The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 86 – Go Back to Africa

Episode Date: January 18, 2018

Brimming with confidence Adam can't wait to prove how essential he is to the show, with one of our funniest, highest energy shows to date.

hard check check check check check check check check check check I'm all about me because you double pussy check getting good levels now oh yeah yeah cuz everybody complained about the professionalism of our podcast I guess something like that we should get a fucking producer dude now we shouldn't yeah some guy we make fun of Scott's torch oh super producer Scott storage of course yeah we got the money now we said I was trying to work broke no no he's doing a comeback now I follow him on Instagram yeah of course he'd say that on his Instagram no he's like working with like big rappers cuz they all

fucking oh I guess huh cocaine no he's like not into coke or yachts anymore it's like got his priorities but he does like smoke weed in the mall now that's like his new thing like those guys at IKEA he's like I'm at sex yeah I love those guys at IKEA hell yeah the grandpa and like the like five 15 year olds that he hangs out with and wears the same t-shirt as it's pretty tight yeah that's great this is the podcast or reach second no you started oh no shit I love pussy well hey guys I'm back Adams back everyone I'm back from Africa coming in with a more global perspective more worldly perspective yeah it's really

great to get out of this country what do you think about that Nick Nick doesn't like vacation yeah I'm not much of a vacation what's going on man you I'm trying to set a timer so oh he's stressed out about going to the gym no I get that just a bunch of shit then I get a spot after yeah I'm up today we're at the stand tonight they're at no one will no one will hear this plug because we're going right after the show and we won't post it but yeah this will go up when at midnight probably probably like a couple weeks yeah probably tomorrow afternoon late tomorrow night when people are freaking out I was getting

messages in Africa about like where the fuck is the podcast you fucking bug piece of shit yeah dude it was Adams fault guys I'm at dinner with my parents right now it was Adams fault he stopped he tried to hack Nick's computer yeah I put in some malware yeah I tried buying that new iMac again what happened your card my gross center had it for a thousand dollars on his home and yeah so even if you bought it you could sell it immediately make like 500 bucks did you did you buy it um no I called and they said because the problem is my card I can't spend more than $3,500 that's hilarious yeah and I can't get a credit

card if my credit is shit really yeah I think you could probably get a credit card at this point I tried today you tried today yeah my credit's fuck I don't know what the fuck it is but bank idea no you need me to come through and I suit no I just client Nicholas would like a credit card please I can't I can't I have a secure credit card with a $500 limit like a fucking teenager yeah rich 12 year old you have to like pay them the money first and then that's your credit limit is the amount of money that you give them up front we was a bank account basically it's the bank account with a deposit and then this you still get

charged interest you like pay them to it's a fucking scam but how's it that's like you right that's how you and like ex cons get their credit back I don't know what the fuck happened to my credit that it's such shit I mean I had you have some electric bills from Texas that you didn't pay I didn't I fucking paid them there was like some some shady like collections agency that said I owed but as soon as I disputed it they removed it from my credit report there's got to be a credit czar they can help you with this yeah I'm not really worried about it but anyways they said I could pay with a check and I went to go pay with a

check and then I get there and they're like oh you can't pay with a check I'm sorry dude hey listen you ever need to buy a computer call your boy I'll come through with a chase fucking sapphire fire rewards no no let me come with your credit limit it's big yeah good yeah what is it what you got I don't mind what's yours 10 well the mines more than that because I've had it longer than you what do you mean I've had the card longer than you I'm a chase sapphire they up they upped it for you yeah how often they up it I don't know I just got it first out of Africa because if you buy flights yes they give you the triple

points my yeah absolutely quadruple points something like double points for restaurants yeah you got to spend listen guys we're talking about rich people problems right now mm-hmm well I had the I had this I got I got that car when I was broke as shit I lied about how much money I was making I lied to and I got it when I was broke as shit so that I could get those rewards and go to Greece I've been declined for every fucking card I've ever applied for ever how's that positive I don't know he's he's mean on the phone no I'm not you apply that's what you need to do you know it's like unstable job history of

like never had a loan never had any credit whatsoever huh yeah I guess my credit's okay from student loans because I pay those every month I have good I have really good credit I don't know how the fuck it happened probably because the the banks all fear and respect me don't they know that you're an immigrant though that should have bad credit that's why I go in and I'm like ever since my family came here from Ellis Island yeah you're wearing a the news boy cap a little news boy cap you look like five will yeah yeah five will goes gay to the pussy store what's wrong buddy you seem down exhausted no I haven't been sleeping

well I don't know what it is but I can't get more than like three four hours of sleep really same here but that's just because I'm just like this fuck right now chip my tooth yesterday oh which one this is in the front it's barely noticeable did we get insurance any of us for this year I don't know what are we gonna do I'm going to a dentist in Jersey my friends my friends uncles a dentist and I'm hoping he'll hook it up and I and give me a fix up this fucked up tooth I think there's a hole at the top of it now I think my $40 root canal starting to yeah I don't think filling your tooth with caulk good solution to

the account today I'm all paid up taxes well I did I did all the like estimated payments so I should be all right and then I'll wear those do you fuck I needed I should get you make any payments at all this year I've been making payments to the state and yeah yeah then you're fine yeah I did not I'm about to you're gonna get fucked in the ass and then the big time but it's not I'm not gonna there's no penalty I thought there would be a little bit of a penalty no there's no penalty for individuals they recommend you make quarterly payments but there's no penalty whatever man who cares all right

so there's absolutely no there's no pain I talked to the I talked to an accountant if you just don't pay anything I mean you if you if you if you if you make quarterly estimated first of all like you're a business you by definition have a business if you're getting paid as an independent sole proprietor sure so yeah you have you're getting them 1099 is my bitch yeah yeah yeah so if you like if you made a bunch of money last year and you owed estimated quarterways last year and then the next year you're projected to make the same amount you don't have those payments and like there will be a

penalty you you can avoid it if you like make some kind of payment I mean it's not like that big of a deal but mm-hmm well I don't understand but I'll just figure it out on April let's put it this way you made you made $50,000 off just the podcast last year so did I yeah nice more than that actually don't tell them that so probably if you didn't pay anything on that you're gonna get oh my god gawk that's that's uncle Sam's red white and blue cock yeah off the off the break off the break you owe like you know 15% on that and yeah yeah white yeah yeah I can I think I can cover it cut he dipped his cock and raspberry sauce it's

kind of yeah whatever and white is the regular color of his dick so let's talk about balls are blue because you he hasn't fucked you yet but he will fuck I'm getting scared are they gonna throw me to jail yeah you're going to the Jew Jew jail that would be so sick if I went to jail and then had to do the pod we snipe through it through the through the phone go to jail so I have to do CrossFit anymore you know a paper CrossFit jail is just one big CrossFit I love those gyms that are like boot camp for fucking accountants or whatever and it's like someone will scream at you because you're too much of a piece of

shit to do push-ups on your own you a man with zero fucking willpower that yes they never change anything about me specifically I'll spend money until I would love to spend money until my problems are solved yeah I have no willpower whatsoever mm-hmm well when I was at home with my little brother he would put me through like fun-ass workouts and I was down but I can't do it myself does it smell like cat shit yeah the cat shit on the floor right next yeah I see it oh fuck right under the Christmas tree which is still up yeah well we got the Christmas tree late so it's well that's it'll be fine

nice little present Christmas tree until probably leave it up to like April May on 420 mm-hmm we'll come out we'll smoke the whole Christmas tree yeah dude I believe was Phyllis mm-hmm you should so Adam what do you think we're thinking about replacing you with Ian what do you think I'm not done with Ian I've had enough of Ian yeah wait why would you replace it I thought we were the guys maybe somebody else then why Ian's too tragic of a figure yeah are you guys mean to me his life is the fun part about being mean to me is that my life has been kind of not that bad no there's a lot of no it's fun to make

Ian's life has actually been hard yeah yeah but you're still just because you're you know your life is good you and Ian look very similar no we don't have big noses yeah first of all I'm the most attractive person on the podcast if Ian established if Ian could if you could grow a moustache you would look exactly like you and unfortunately you lack the testosterone to be able to grow any kind of facial hair I have a better grow facial hair you have better you have you have three pubes that grow sparsely out of your face Ian has like a young girl's vagina mm all right best you have like an 11 year old's vagina

to be back it's great to be back you have some pussy cheeks you do have some young pussy cheeks um yeah okay pockmarked and I do not look like what yeah I cover up your acne scars or the beard but you'll never be able to do it because no actually I can get my acne scars fixed it's called how process called microdermabrasion really yeah if I go to a dermatologist okay your tiny skin microdermabrasion that's how they fix your dick skin that's how they fix the my at what my scarring my small amount of scarring from acne do you have dicks and acne what you think anyone about micro sperm abrasion where

we make fun of your small dick that's good is are we back is making it back you're in a great place before I left and now you're like man runs three errands and it's all you asked us to make you just you just said it's better to make fun of me than Ian I didn't say please make fun of me I said it's meaner to make fun of Ian no I was being gracious you were worried that you might lose your spot on the show so you directed us to make funny I'm not worried that I'll lose my spot also this is in response to your your arrogance oh fuck off you brought this on you're fucking life is good you're a black hole

of air I'm a fucking I'm a god among men I never said I mean it's hilarious because in reality I have it all I don't have it all that's what you're going to lavish trips to Africa with my family wasn't really paying for everyone yeah you paid for your whole family's flight I did not we're staying in a palatial estate built by slaves by the way I was at my grandmother built by slaves it wasn't built by slavery there yes there's something called apartheid yep get it right which which your grandfather did the books for my grandfather was not an accountant the books for apartheid no he didn't like a

certain company we know yeah the company that was not owned by Jews yes it was that's not fucking bad that's why we need to kill them that's right they do shit the holocaust the other Jews right exactly mm-hmm well the good ones that they killed they replaced the Jews that live now aren't the Jews that existed before the Holocaust yeah the Jews that died in the Holocaust were the good Jews interesting these new people are interlopers oh this is good they're imposter theory yeah you actually are pro-Jew here you're just anti the new

Jew imposters right exactly that perpetrated all the people that died in the holocaust niggas no no he loves to roll a shot shut the fuck up all the people there is all the people all the people that died in the holocaust were black they were those black the black the black israelites yeah wow I don't know that of course you know that you fucking idiot are all the holocaust pictures like photo negatives are they photo negative fuck what are all the pictures from the Holocaust the photo negatives then well that's why those guys all look so you know sinewy yeah they have that fast twitch

muscle they were really thin they're not those are all just jacked children Jesus Christ this is just very low-bodied good at dunking children oh yeah yeah mm-hmm well that's I mean I love learning you fucking facts mm-hmm and I was not aware that I was saying I love saying facts to people yeah mm-hmm I gotta say I will say I'm chat you know I will admit when I was wrong I've been saying Jews were the victims of the Holocaust this whole time but mm-hmm now I know they did it yeah this guy on the bus explain the whole thing to me was he a professor I miss getting bus advice that's probably the best part about being a teenager is

getting advice from people on the bus trying to molest you secretly yeah now I just remember there was like this fucking old black guy one time it was like just tell me somebody's like thing is man is a pussy comes and goes you know money same thing mm-hmm and it's like left it's like is that I don't understand what the point you're making yeah there's no third thing yeah yeah there was no but this thing yeah God mm-hmm is always there yeah I love the guys that are vulgar and trying like to turn you to God at the end mm-hmm yeah like those guys yeah they say about words that roommate I had when I was living in that

SRO at that black I would come over and they do Bible study together at night yes and then the black I would use the n-word while discussing the Bible that's great stuff man mm-hmm have you seen the good of the pastor that curses that's good he's like a fat black guy is that like Christian rock it's so much better than Christian rock he's just like some fat black guy and he's like and he like does a response video to people like why is the pastor talking that way is their Christian anime ooh that's gotta exist that's good is the hero Jesus every time uh no it's the allegorical I would watch Christian anime with like

Saint John the Baptist he's got big eyes and how long do you think it takes before brandon wordel is talking about Christian anime five minutes yeah where did he do honey I blew the kids the other day yeah no but he texted me because someone someone was like come down did this he was like did you guys do this I was like yeah and he took it down mm-hmm cool interesting yeah very interesting I mean it to you know it is a very hard nuanced ass joke mm-hmm to come up with like my storage is hard mm-hmm and nuance is that another word for small new ass no new ass no hard and new my dick is really new my dick is

nuanced it's really big is subtle it's not for listen if you're one of the these fucking yeah you know low culture big dick loving horse you're not gonna go for my dick yeah yeah but if you're smart and you understand art yeah exactly you know you want you've you've you know you've read you know a lot of books of a you know a good author yeah you read can't think of one doctor she's told story the giver our friend's favorite book yes you've read the giver Ralph Ellis oh yeah yeah Ralph all the no no no we know yeah I just want to tell the story tell the story no I don't want who's what Walter Strausky

comedian yeah his favorite books on Facebook or like one fish two fish red fish blue fish and the giver the giver was like we're topped out yeah and I gotta say the giver is like sixth grade reading love shit bro I was like I signed reading up until like the age you can have sex and he hit like 12 and he's like yeah I'm done yeah yeah I'm not reading I'm about to fuck these whores I'm about to get I'm about to be responsible for somebody's first abortion yeah hmm but yeah if you're one of those ladies check out my subtle ass dick that's a giver about it's like some old man

that you guys know what colors are yeah the big thing is the kids these colors but it's about it's about it's like the same thing as Pleasantville right so it's like I think they kill old people or something it's the same thing as Pleasantville so like the old man molests the young boy right that's how he sees color yeah every time every time someone comes in your ass you see right the mom in Pleasantville comes she like jacks off and then she can see talking off as the secret to colors that's why if you're colorblind if you get molested fixes it right up that's yeah that's a good point yep it's Pleasantville

meant anything if you yeah it's people you know people think you put on those weird little glasses and that fixes it nope more glasses there's glasses that make you not colorblind oh yeah yeah or at least there's a viral video that I saw that did that was it square the aspect ratio like was it like one of those Facebook yeah it was one of those like in a square and like top it said like you won't believe yeah yeah like there's a bottom is like a bunch of fire emojis yeah one hundred yeah they so what happens if we see though to put those on do we get extra color hmm because you know there's probably colors

that our brain can't even fuck with yeah there's like fucking starfish and other kind of animals that see wild starfish see anything they don't have eyes well there's like an aquatic thing or something there's something that would catch you off guard a shrimp says amber they're shrimp they can see other color see some fucked up like an animal slash green slash pink shit the same thing as noises you can't hear it's just right it's a spectrum of which fucks me up how does that happen dude and also there's people like x-rays are technically I know someone can see x-rays ultraviolet light fuck yeah

well red light that's all just make see infrared right yeah that's tight vipers they're sick they're like that's me I'm not a rattlesnake you're a viper you're a viper you're a viper cool that's the same thing but more tracksuits mm-hmm well we can viper yeah so haven't I accidentally bought the same tracksuit with it without telling each other it's pretty I want to get that night there's a Nike one that I like I'm thinking I like you taped on the side taped yeah that's what these are called oh really yeah that's called tape take it you got the same one but I got too many I got too many adidas

tracksuits yeah I just bought the pants for these but oh you're gonna see me just dripping sauce in that hunter green shit soon I I really like the green where you mean literally yes marinara will be the way you Chris the tracksuit is by having a big Italian dinner yeah and then hitting your wife I have to get married I saw a Chinese guy beating his wife outside of Beth's morning this morning this morning yeah well at first I thought it was stopped yeah I'd stopped I stopped next I thought it was two Chinese men so as soon as like people realized it was a woman they were like what are you doing cuz he didn't he

wasn't swinging at her he was just sort of shaking her around people I stopped and then she'd like took off through a smoke bomb down there was a moment of like you know this is just how they settled disputes yeah they love fighting they love combat you have before you bring a lot of honor and as long as they're the same belt in China you could do domestic disputes but if she's a yellow belt he's a blue yeah I don't know what she did maybe she's like fucked up and had a daughter or something I read today that would be pissed it does grab my Chinese wife had a dog I saw I think we're talking million

I think we're talking about is a viral video that Russ Green reposted I think it was I didn't read shit 16 million damn China killing your daughters I read a place you can send them yeah Adams house that's a charity where he adopts every little Chinese girl he raises them for good for honorable reasons don't worry there's 60 million more men than women which is like what's what are they gonna do now start put them in the army dude make them super soldiers we're fucked yes no they would just be regular soldiers no dude no but they're horny dude you know that comfort no fap yeah those guys are gonna be

fucking so horny up because they've never fought never fucked that they're gonna become super soldiers and then China's gonna really fucking run or they do make him do the fusion dance from Dragon Ball Z what is that where two guys become one even more powerful guy he's just on his back with his dick inside it's just like it's just like ruin the end of call me by your name for people you haven't seen it they fucking go super did you see it guys that's all I thought it was good no one cares what you thought did you think it was good homosexual you loved it they loved it well actually I know that because Josh was

so he's like yeah Nick's been texting me about call me by your name because he doesn't want to admit to stop I said it on the podcast did you of course you don't pay attention to anybody I haven't been here for three weeks no you didn't see it when I was going I didn't see it when I was here you definitely saw it after New Year's yeah yeah I thought it was pretty good but so wait wait wait for real though what are they gonna start bussing in different kind of Asians I don't know what they're gonna start bussing in Taiwanese are they gonna invade other countries they love bosses yeah just use the game they'll use the

Atlantic City buses yeah oh fuck maybe they'll do a program where they trade you get an old American wife if they lose enough money that Atlantic City bus to crash in Queens last year you watch that video I do not remember I remember that it was it was like going like 60 miles per hour 30 I think we're doing the podcast at that point and it was like a it like hit under a brick and underpass something right no it isn't flushing robust oh right right yeah the driver died but no one I can't I can't imagine that no a couple of people died I can't imagine like six people died I can't imagine like taking a bus to

Atlantic City and that's how you die yeah that's gotta be those people are better off the problem the life they were living one of the guys that died was like some like Ukrainian guy it was like it's like a couple weeks after it's like 60th birthday or something and it was his first day he was like I'm gonna go on morning walks for exercise and it was like his first day going out for exercise and again blammo the dangers of exercise the dangers of exercise brother god damn it I'm Adam West Batman visuals you get a little early death you get a child's an orphan meet the same

fate as Ian's father I know it's pretty sad yeah it's smash smash like pianos like a fucking I think I made that accord piano accordion joke piano accordion you know accordion as you think piano because they got the keys you know it's like a foldable piano is what an accordion did they used to drop anvils like was that a thing that people didn't real life no I just think it was the heaviest thing yeah they're just heavy shit they didn't drop them out of planes or something like and before bombs were invented yeah they definitely invented planes before bombs did they yeah no they didn't yeah you're you're

for sure right there sorry I didn't know I don't know how military like they skipped explosives and went right through internal combustion engines and the ability to fly it makes sense to me I love flight dude if I could fly I would be like nice what about you guys I smoked I smoked loud on the plane did you back from South Africa on the plane yeah yeah that little little pipe I had the pen what would you do if they pulled you over take me back to Africa take you back to Africa whatever dude stay I'm yeah political prisoner how come you didn't get me a mask look I asked did you I have an extra mask if you want it's on

record I asked for okay I got you I got you on a mask that turns you green I thought that I thought you guys on the accountant's office today would you get stole a bunch of snickers minis from you thanks bro yeah I got you on a mask what the fuck what about me I got you on like a textile men's what do you call it so wrong like a zulu men's so wrong oh my god yeah yeah yeah 100 I forgot to bring it I was gonna bring it actually for you yeah awesome I missed you guys dude that that trip was too long I was with my family for too long yeah yeah it was like your family going on family vacation at 30 is like not you shouldn't

do it of course not why the fuck was that was a while it was fun I mean it was a really cool place to go but I saw you fucked some penguins dude I hung out penguin it was the penguins from the cereal box puffins they're African penguins though I don't I don't know if they were from yes puffins the fruit loops there if it yeah they had a whole club it club penguin yeah no that was amazing I wonder if you put like a toucan around a bunch of penguins if the penguins would assume the toucan is gay again yeah because he's like it's so incredible to see how I don't let the toucan around the

children we can't like toucans be teachers for my sake they shouldn't be allowed to have their own eggs it's incredible to see how retarded they are at walking and how incredible they are at swimming penguins yeah they like walk like so slow and stupid and then when they get it's kind of like you with watching you try to podcast and then also after that watching you try to be gay I'm not comfortable being gay I know I'm a dive into a man's I mean it would have been tied if we went on the trip to Africa but here's what we should do we should book a fucking trip we should do show a show in London

maybe even Amsterdam and then we go to Greece mm-hmm that's a fucking big dick maneuver put a lot of thought into this I just thought of this today oh yeah talking to George he's like let's go you were like people want us to go George involved I was just talking to George I'm thinking out loud he wants to go to Greece and I'm like hey you know we'll be fucking tight yeah get the boys and listen come over to Greece meet the fuck I'm thinking we go Easton Pennsylvania York Pennsylvania yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's the capital York Harrisburg oh I'm down

Wolfsboro Scranton Scranton oh yeah get my dick sucked we do we tore the entire United States yeah she's still there the whole United States Pittsburgh State College the suburbs of Philadelphia where's the little New Jersey Princeton before he's New Jersey where's this what where's the Little League World World Series in Cooperstown in your bedroom in front of the camera on a tripod be more careful yeah I'm sorry with your pedophilic tendencies mm-hmm there's now everyone knows you fuck the whole Little League World Series both teams it's in Pennsylvania I'm pretty sure isn't it

in Cooperstown no I think it's somewhere in Pennsylvania bro all I'm saying is let's go get some bangers and mash okay in London in London London town towny let's fucking put on one of those big hats yeah yeah let's pants those guys have to fucking that outfit right for sure the Buckingham Palace guards they get to take that hat home don't they or they have to check in at the Palace the March Simpson heads you're not allowed to keep it after you you're you're done with your service why not you know it's like an m16 you have to give it back but she's the thing I throw the longest time I thought that if

you were in the army you got to keep all your guns yeah honestly you see adulthood I thought I'd be honest it's like well what's the fucking point of joining the army then if you don't get to keep the machine gun at the end that's funny because I I never thought about it enough to realize you don't get to keep it but you get to keep the uniform right yeah yeah you do yeah and they probably keep the hat the fucking Buckingham has had seen expensive yeah yeah they're like eight of those Jew hats stacked up I know and those are expensive I wonder how much one of those big fucking hats caught what do you

think they're made of fur fuck really think I mean I guess feathers the fucking it's the Queen's guards they got to be fucking decked out I guess I have no respect for the Royals shut up bitch I don't that's my political position shut up with your fucking DSA political opinions no I'm not in the DSA anymore yeah I quit I gotta give a fuck about Royals I got a girlfriend I don't need I'm in the Burger King kids club do you remember that there was like a black kid with that had the visor like the guy from Star Trek no yeah DJ kid or was it the white kid that had the visor yeah we've talked about the fuck is oh yeah

okay we're halfway through so we're gonna take a break here and move back in a minute stay tuned for some advertisements everybody's well everyone it's break time and I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you about one of my favorite pastimes making wild predictions and putting other people's money on it how do I do that well aside from having a successful podcast for people blindly listen to my financial advice I'm also a patron of a website called bet DSI comm what's bet DSI well they're not like any other gambling website they've been in business for over 20 years and they got an A plus rating

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you can't go against Blake you can't go against Bortles mania dude he's he like what he threw like a hundred and fucking hater things you should bet on on the website that's right we just talked about that maybe maybe just me just talked about I don't know yet yeah probably next year yeah this is a little secret about radio is which is not what we're doing by the way yes sometimes things are said in different orders yeah the magic that's slight of hand we haven't even the first episode you guys have already of those podcast ever mm-hmm we haven't even recorded yet you're let you've listened to already but it's pretty cool

dude yeah this was recorded in 2014 record this podcast at CERN they use that fucking time machine that they go to every episode costs 86 billion dollars oh yeah dude that's why we're not really making any money it sounds it seems like the patrons doing well but we're barely covering our expenses yeah between the the particle accelerator and the throne Gran Turismo racing wheel yeah and constantly getting reconstructive surgery on Adam's asshole yeah after he gets fucked every weekend listen huge-ass dicks that's true I can't be shitting my pants that's right podcast I don't have any get it

tightened I don't have any betting advice because I guess not crypto bottoms falling out on crypto yeah yeah are you gonna issue an official apology I didn't I know like cuz I'd never told people I said anybody you ask me at anybody you asked me after Ripple went past a dollar I said don't buy cuz no no one ever said it was supposed to be worth more than a dollar mm-hmm but yeah cuz we're Tim Dylan asked me and I told him that exactly that and the same thing with Racine but it seems like he put his whole life when it hit $3 when it's $3 I said on Instagram you should get out before nice before the whole

thing collapses I like you pretending like you know anything about crypto currency yeah you gotta buy anything that happens in the market you gotta buy the dip that's what it's going on right now it's dipping you gotta fuck crypto I don't give a fuck I never gave a fuck I never gave a fuck but I seen is getting into investments right now and it's really funny we're at Costco him and me and he was talking about how he really likes Fila tracks and he's like yeah you know like we should probably invest in Fila I think that those are coming back yeah I like how people who confuse like shopping with investing yeah you

know that's one of me I have no fucking idea what investing is yeah and I'm keeping it away all my money's in a brown paper bag under my fucking mattress the way it should be a way to tell the federal government yeah dude maybe it's gonna be I'm telling the government tomorrow we're both of you made last year that's my job can you tell them love no cuz I owe that whatever man so be a pal about it just be a pal to us no be a pal to us never learn how to deduct things I deduct all the time I deduct my pride constantly you don't have any pride he's talking about deducted it he's talking about going to this Korean

jackoff salons in Chinatown and having his ego stroke this deducting his pride yeah first of all you know when he said he got a happy ending it was just so wouldn't be like you're good at podcasting yeah you're not the worst one on you know what you know what I had a small tear go down my cheek with that beautiful angel and finished on your face yeah that wasn't tears a guy a man was squirting on you you guys and squirts just pee so nose diarrhea it was clear diarrhea yeah he's an anal he puts a little crystal Pepsi he puts a little caro syrup in his ass and he just squirts it out fuck I yeah I mean I want

to invest I want to be I want to take down the Anglos you know what are those that's non-ethnic white British no no no that's that's people like Nick oh yeah that's the man yeah yeah I'm gonna I'm a Mediterranean American yeah and I'm an Eastern European no we don't want we don't we're not interested in having you in the coalition what do you mean I'm not Anglo yeah but you know what you are I'm technically not Anglo now but you are Irish yeah what is that it's every white British I was burning in nah man everyone it's not European you know Anglos white guys why don't you just identify with bald people yeah why why

it's just because I have I'm just I'm bald I just glasses and bad teeth and overweight you mean people you mean people who was the last one overweight teeth and yeah well first number one I choose to cut my hair short number two sure this is some unfortunate look like a like a truth comm add about candy and here's the truth it's delicious that's the truth you need to know about candy yeah truth comm always tried to make it sound cool not to smoke cigarettes they get like wrap kind of people it is cool not smoke cigarettes that swung back around I think yeah I guess you're a bitch if you smoke it's cool to smoke now

you know it's not cool to smoke in the 90s now I don't think now it's cool again a lot of people in New York smoke cigarettes how about this it's cool because they're poser the two months out of the year that I'm smoking yeah yeah it's cool when I'm on cocaine and drunk as shit that time it's cool but other than that it's not you taste bad you know your mouth tastes bad when you smoke cigs no yeah that's true you know yeah fuck sorry but I should have drank some BCAA's during the break my creatine during the break big cock ass ass ass ass big cock ass ass

it's a debate that's never been settled do people have two asses or one you have one ass one ass no two ass chicks you have two cheeks one but those each one is an ass the whole cheeks comprised well if you have two holes then you have two asses I never understood that expression I'm gonna do it half ass because that applies to so few things half ass means one cheek or half of two cheeks how would the dog wear pants yes good question no I mean what are you doing half how do you use your ass for that you could only use half is sitting in a chair that seems harder than just regular is that like plumbers you're gonna

do like a plumber because half his ass is hanging they work very hard yeah they're not really working gentlemen no I don't think so you try a day in there in there they actually don't if you watch a plumber work they don't work they don't work hard do they know it's a very easy job they'll come out they'll be like oh this is a fucking fruit you know this is a diagnostic it's gonna cost you $90 yeah like imagine you go into the world of like home repair you can do HVAC you can be a carpenter you got it hangs drywall and then you choose like well I'm gonna fix shit I'm gonna the tubes I mean that sucks shit tube I

love getting some shit I love to get some shit square I love getting my shitty ass to get my shit tube sucked on my nuanced ass to baby you know it's fun huh calling not pussy not only maybe maybe it's really good pussy not only is it square it's cube yeah get some cube wow that's three-dimensional three-dimensional pussy deal I love getting cube at tesseract hole okay what's a tesseract I don't know some kind of theoretical shape okay is it yeah I thought that was from Marvel tesseract so what are you talking about no it's it's a shape that has like four dimension four yeah that's it I means four no well I

watched Thor on the plane and that's what Loki was trying to steal that's what Teresa means in Greek that's it I for yeah so it's like that's the fourth the fourth dimension and I do three a test my beautiful daughter will be four for beautiful that's what you name your daughter if she's ugly she's four you let everyone know she's a four okay yeah tesseract no Teresa that's a different the R is in place of the S I think that as I is a Greek you're right name I don't know what it means Teresa yeah I don't know what that's a Greek name I've met Greek women yeah a lot are I guess I have a Greek name I guess yeah

Nico yeah Nico Nikolaos I use Nikolaos which in Greek St. Nick is not Santa Claus it's St. Basil St. Veselios and they're both just Turks St. Basil's a Turk that gives you presents so St. Nick they're all fucking Turks a lot of saints are like oh that's why Santa Claus has a turban that's right yeah that's right yeah um any other words you guys want to know in Greek how do you say Jew oh if it is if it is if it is yeah all right man this sucks I hate chipping my teeth how'd you chip it on a guy's dick those are a barbell on a what a barbell that's a gay man it's even gay and you chipped your teeth in a

barbell and crossfit oh yeah did you say to the audience that you're a crossfit guy I've been talking about before you left sorry I know these things that you want to like giddily laugh at like a fucking faggot I'm not laughing so we already did all that you don't think gay bash once again you're using a word I've been gone I've been in Africa stay sharp man I've been an ex I've been a political refugee from this country in this government you should have been in Africa shadow podcasting how do you feel that Trump says saying he weighs less than you yeah how do you feel about that it's not true it's not true right does

that piss you off how much does he weigh he said he weighs he said he weighs like 238 and he's six three no shot which is like Tim Tebow no chance he was like 238 how about him fucking the porn star from 40 year old virgin looks like he might just be mostly loose skin no he's not he's fatter than he's open he eats McDonald's all the time yeah I mean it's like a terrible diet 238 I would have a shit sometimes fact people can be deceptively light I'm the opposite of any muscle tone the opposite because I have because you've been fat your whole life I have large legs I'm very strong your body's ossified I'm very strong no that's

not what's going on but you're very weak though my upper body is weak my lower body is very strong but even for a week it is weaker than my lower body but I'm still a formidable opponent in the ring in the ring that's right onion ring maybe I don't like onion rings that much I fucking love onion rings dude I don't like when they're too oniony what a non of batter you mean I like more batter I like a thing onions really are a thing that like shouldn't be fried a hundred they don't work makes no sense but I do love onions and I love breading I love breading you go to Long John Silver's and they give you the extra trash like the

extra I've never had that shit from the deep fire they just I've never my life with John Long John Silver you gotta get the biscuits you gotta get the hush puppies do they have they have lj on silver says the best I know that's red lobsters got the biscuits the cheddar biscuits oh yeah wow you fucking idiot sorry I confused both Long John Silver says the best fries really who followed closely by Roy Rogers is curly fries I'm not a curly fry guy come on I'm a fucking traditionalist I love curly I like a nice fucking hand cut plain-ass square as a kid you would have curly fries occasionally and I wouldn't

remember where they were how I had access to the cafeteria but anytime you would see regular fries you'd be like man what about those like special fries yeah that one time I will give you that it did feel it did feel special even me not a huge curly fry fan uh-huh I'd like to throw it in every once in a while you seven in my school cafeteria and I used to fucking get stoked lucky for you man yeah we had fat we had fat wedges in my school cafeteria shuts out the poly potato yeah yeah they were okay but I two potato for me same way you know I like a thin I wanted crispy on all sides I

like it uniform I don't like irregularities in my fry what makes a good fry is you cut the fries and then freeze them and then deep fry them after they've been frozen interesting yeah I don't know I don't know about that I like a nice way to do it now you got it you got a freezing Greek style Greek restaurants have like shit that's like kind of you know I just said I don't like a regularity but sometimes I do like a hint if it's very fresh I like it not a wedge I just like it with a little fucking you know it's alive you know it's not a machine a human being you can feel like it you feel the energy

transfer you know in and out burger they make the fries there they they have a machine that slices the potatoes okay and then they they fry them there they don't get them from like a frozen bag okay that's why people that's why one of the reasons why people freak out for in and out burger I see yeah yeah I could I like it and I could you know it's but it's nothing wild it's not amazing yeah it's a regular ass burger you know what I was saying the other day that you read Robin great burgers reasonably pressed never never been a red Rob we should go I'll go to red Rob do they still have red robin it's a suburban

it's impossible that there's not wanting I feel like there's one near me actually yeah yeah Queens is the place that has like all those kind of chains bro Queens rules it's like I'm in a story and then it's like ten minutes one way you're like oh I'm just in the motherfucking city and then ten minutes the other way it's like you're in the suburbs yeah like I just the there's a home depot is a guitar center a best buy all like a big-ass parking lot closest shit to me it's weird that guitars would warrant their own center mm-hmm you know yeah well they do so much more than just guitars but they know that that's the

flashy name is gonna get people in yeah I love going there and playing with that DJ equipment because it's like you spend five minutes with it you're like oh yeah anyone could be a DJ well so every comic now soon as DJ who everyone Brandon no I'm just saying like a lot of comics like DJ name name to other than Brandon will winner all is always DJing oh like shows yeah like friends will like and it's you know even a comic anymore though I because I only see him DJing stuff I think he's on shows I think he's on shows yeah I don't fucking know man they just do there's more there you go the fucking Aziz yeah he's on sorry yeah

he does a nice cool he does a really cool v-technique with a turntable scratching yeah yeah he does a scratch he's got the claw scratch I think that's how he learned how to finger was DJing yeah man I didn't understand that part he puts his fingers in the mouth and then the pussy he put his fingers in her throat in a view he just doesn't know how to fuck is that what is that that's that article I think mostly that's a takeaway that sucks Adam does everything in that article except with three fingers no that's not true it is yeah actually I'm a good lover I think I'm a good lover no we actually did a

survey while you were gone Dasha told us like Dasha why would you be with me then you had Joyce no we called her you we're just we're all getting brunch Dasha Joyce and Sammy someone told me after the show in DC they're like dude great show by the way your ex-girlfriend sucks he's like she spends all day just calling people racist on Facebook do they know her or something yeah I guess they know her from DC yeah well don't talk about me and Nick's friend Joyce like that I'm still very close with Joyce and we talk about followers there on Instagram he's like dude you should see this piece of shit post you just come on

man don't say that I don't want that to get back to my dear friend Joyce you know how much to explain it we're gonna have to do it the brunch me and Nick have with Joyce every weekend you go down a DC sometimes she comes here sometimes we meet in Philly she's giving us DJing lessons so we could be like all the other comedians every other comedian there's a couple more man that I'm fucking blanking on but yeah a lot of guys do it Courtney old DJ sometimes very yeah does he the homie Farrington I I'm imagining him DJing shirtless Bane mask yes my man is dead mouse mask with the Bane mask on top on the

little mouse mouse yeah yeah are you gonna DJ Joker Mickey there's definitely a guy in Greece called DJ Joker who's ready to listen to music everybody take your pussy out are you gonna be one of the good guys take their pussy out are you gonna get into like Bane mask workouts no that's just the air restriction no I'd smoke cigarettes dude dude you need to do that you need to do that just to protect your teeth you need the Bane mask yeah yeah yeah you know if you're gonna start lifting weights with a mouth guard in nah I'm just gonna chip on my fucking teeth I chip I chip a tooth like every six months really yeah it's

the last time when a guy's really hard dick yeah I don't think that's possible stuff well maybe it would have to be really hard I'm saying yeah not just eating and shit really yeah yeah yeah I think I would have chipped the tooth eating if it was possible yeah he eats all the time I do and hard stuff yeah I'll eat things quick that are maybe you just write your shit down you have short teeth it's like the way shorter guys can squat more my teeth just come down harder you know there's not a lot of you know not a lot of potential energy you do have weird short teeth they look like a little finger you have powerful

teeth yes I have because it's like there's the transfer from potential to kinetic energy less of it is lost with my that sounds like some smart type shit right with my fucking condensed my dive density they're denser I got that compact except for the one the gray one it's not gray it's kind of a huge little tombstone look man I'm gonna get a replace with a gold tooth relax that would be that's gonna be really sick I am gonna do that I want to get a gold tooth on the bottom one of my one of my gums is like receded all the way to the bottom of my mouth and one of my teeth and it's probably gonna have to come out I

think yeah I'm going gold tooth that's a good idea yeah yeah that I had first no I've been having it for years I've been keeping an eye on this tooth no chance yeah I've been a gold tooth boy my mom had gold teeth when I was growing up because like that's just what they like in Bulgaria they just replaced him with what everybody's everybody's parents has like fucking unless your parents like good feelings and shit yeah well whatever the other silver shit is we had a gold ass fucking when our kids parents were kids and when I saw that I was like nice I need those last longer the metal ones last longer hell yeah you get the

resin ones they don't like they don't tell you that but they you need to get them replaced in like fucking eight years yeah you get you get ten years I think max yeah yeah man I gotta get a fucking so anyway I'm I got high hopes for my friends for my friend's uncle who is a dentist in Jersey City I will be going there in a couple weeks he's very busy he's packed I think that's a good sign mm-hmm that means he's highly highly talented and hopefully I'm gonna be out here looking beautiful yeah gleaming I'm gonna get a gold ball that's not bad I'm gonna have one of my balls removed and replaced with gold mm-hmm would it

wait well then man that's pretty heavy though yeah well I guess yeah I mean inside the test score wouldn't you wouldn't even be able to see it I'm gonna get my sack replaced with a clear one oh that's good they sell those back packs they sell them at the at the one of those like Indian cell phone accessory my friend come here please give me you I would give you clear balls everyone can see the electronics inside look at my penis and balls they are clear oh the cock too is clear I don't want to come off racist here every Indian guys got a clear day I read the Aziz article yeah he's had a move called yeah the

PlayStation controller was clear you could see the circuit boards like a purple tint yeah that shit was cool his weird fucking that was the n64 you're thinking of a pass it or filled dick mm-hmm you know yep the fuck is fucking his iMac dick that's what I call my dick his generation one yeah she did everything short damn girl you want to see my wires you want me to fuck you with these wires she did everything short of saying he has a tiny penis in that article that would have been awesome if she did it was really embarrassing yeah and it wasn't sexual assault he got flamed yeah no it was

not sexual but I think people are now saying that it we already covered we talked about so sorry it just wasn't chill but it wasn't sexual yeah I know you want to come in here thinking that these takes haven't been expressed but oh but we all right well we very what happened today in the news see I'm not I'm stable I'm slacking genius I'm so having today there's I'm slacking I didn't read the news I did nothing I went to an accountant I feel like shit yeah why are you sick no I just I've had something's wrong like I just can't sleep I don't know what the fuck it is but I can't get the bed till like four

o'clock in the morning and I wake up at like seven you got a chief a little ganja I guess I don't know what it is but I just do a melatonin or something I just wake up and I'm fucking up are you anxious about something no I've been good lately actually yeah yeah things there's something on the horizon that you're worried about no everything's actually there's a lot of things I'm excited about right maybe it maybe I'm just allergic to being happy I dude no joke yeah I don't know how to be like I'm like I'm like I'm kind of happy and I'm just creating problems that don't exist well might be that might be that

like I used depression to go to sleep for so long yeah it is a good sleep aid yeah I was in bed the first year I was here I would sleep for 12 hours at night time I'm like still in a good mood which is usually reserved for the morning so it's like you know like I'm like well maybe got some writing done or you know read or work on stuff or clean my room like there's just more shit I want to do but I don't feel manic either like in fact I like I kind of came off that I was like manic a couple weeks ago I feel we come on to go and then I kind of crashed after that by the way you should just go to a therapist also no sounds

like that feels wronged you're so proud I'm not proud it's yeah it has nothing to do with fucking no he's dumb he's a fucking idiot who doesn't think it's like good to go to therapy you sound like a like a Chinese parent they don't trust like Western medicine or something I mean yeah I guess it's not medicine it's talk therapy it is medicine it's that they're doctors they went to medical school yeah all of them is yeah it's not like there's no guarantee I've no I don't want to sit there and just talk to somebody it's like this is why you do that and go huh well I guess now I have a thing to be insecure about about

having like a personality flaw that's not the point well the point yeah the point is is I don't think it'll do anything and also like my problems are fucking manageable it's not like I'm funny you know like things are fine you're very you're we're not saying you're not like you know very now you should go to therapy so I mean everyone you would be would do better off I think I think yeah yeah you're probably right I don't like the idea that you know everyone should do well like what is that everyone should just go to therapy I think it's pretty fucking true like everyone has fucked up shit about them no everybody

should have values that they embrace and derive some sort of mental stability from that like religion yeah yeah but it has that worked for you yes you're just telling us how you don't feel like stable and you don't understand I did not say that I said I can't sleep and you were manic to yeah well that's like an example of that right you can't process happiness you can't it would it really is probably just like exercising too much and then fucking not eating enough something you can eat yeah because I've been doing those crossfit classes which I'm not used to take a hot dog to like justify you know the money

I spent on fucking crossfit mm-hmm like I'd never do any cardio so just even like the oh yeah yeah you're not eating enough food no I'm eating enough I'd say something you can eat he's talking about his penis do you actually want Nick to eat your penis off of your body I didn't say that yeah you did it's kind of like a popsicle yeah like a warm popsicle cold and shriveled with a tiny little joke inside very funny his penis is a humorous it's a good good humor you know yeah don't ever try to beat me to the punch you lose every fucking time I could beat you I've beaten you you've never been you know first of all you've

never been joking your life I don't know how to write jokes all you can do is tell stories on stage have to be me because you're going after me for what I didn't say he said he said I'm mentally retarded person I need to go to a doctor you do you aren't you do I'm not insecure here you are who's attacking me now again you you're insecure that we told you that that it might be you are the one attacking me you're doing it I rewatch Big Lebowski again last night Walter is such a funny character this is like shit every time I probably the first 15 times I watch that movie there was new shit I would notice that I

didn't see before but like there's a part I didn't even like when they go to see the kid who stole the iron lung dad the iron lung dad and they're just at the door and the look on on John Goodman's face when he's like smiling at the housekeeper and he's like is he and he just has like the most saccharine bullshit smile like his level of like comedic acting is he's so good I'm fucking John Goodman yeah that's he's like the funniest fucking guy it's crazy that he's just like a guy that want to be a serious actor and he's capable of being that he could have been yet so I mean he could have been the funniest

guy of his generation I'm sorry ma'am but the Supreme Court has ruled numerous times against prior restraint Walter this isn't a fucking first amendment issue man fuck dude that's man what a great character shout out John Milius who's John Milius this is the guy that Walter is sob checks based on well really yeah you didn't know that and no I didn't know that look at John Milius yeah they look exactly the same John Milius was he in Vietnam I you know I think John Milius is probably one of those guys that wanted to go to Vietnam and couldn't he was like fat or getting as close as he can you know who's worse than the

guys that just straight up steal Valor is a guy that's like using the military alphabet or whatever I of course myself never served I bet I have the utmost respect you know at least be like a fucking weird sociopath yeah not like a loser yeah like me John Milius is he's a writer and a director who's like probably the only conservative that was left in Hollywood after like I don't know the 70s what do you make Conan the barbarian apocalypse now he wrote the speech in Jaws about the USS Indianapolis red dawn hell yeah dude damn yeah John Milius is the fucking man that's good conservative art right there baby

what who who are the conservatives I guess him and James Woods yeah James Woods but there's John Bruce Willis used to be a lot more John really conservative so much as he is a Zionist like but I mean I think he's pretty progressive yeah because I think Habbad got him off of drugs yeah you know he's not Jewish yeah strange wonder if he wants to fuck his daughter I would yeah well she got them DSL yeah yeah yeah she's got a baboon's ass right on her face she doesn't look good like as good anymore yeah after the mastectomy yeah you're right yeah that kind of ruined her in a way no didn't she get new tits mean fake tits well I

don't think they're fair and fire going to jail you're watching TMZ you know we spotted this bitch who had breast cancer coming out they're not even doing celebrities like 75 years old yeah he looks good him and said he can go to the same yeah he's gay yeah that's why he works out injections in the brain that's good he's one of those ten-year-old boys sperm injections yeah they have to have Dominican boys who had puberty at nine shipped in to collect their young cum directly in the Harvey every anyone named Harvey's probably a sex rate that's true yeah well he was the he was like that the the kitell probably no he did

like the interviews after the people's court that's what Harvey Levin remember I don't like after the trolley be like I feel in the settlement oh yeah that is done done Harvey Levin was the I didn't know that I guess the report I just got a coffee table book about every Jewish person ever that's so funny to be in that kind of entertainment where it's like you don't even have any skills or he's going to help or want to make drink or like want to make art you just like want to be a radio guy no lawyer anytime there's a piece of shit in entertainment it's all the story is they were a radio guy like a morning radio

guy that would do like oh I guess some dumb bitch got breast cancer it's still not it hasn't been 30 minutes so chill I don't know why you're I gotta host the eight o'clock well maybe you shouldn't have been fucking late to the show there pal you're assholes are supposed to start without me oh I know we said 530 yeah I said we should do it the three of us yeah so look thanks man I don't know ah well okay that's what you anyway so yeah he was a lawyer I want rice cake with some peanut butter and honey on top see that's not enough calories I know that's just a snack that I want right now it's a nice snack that

is a very nice yeah I went to us right I went to smoke joint again the other night oh nice shout out smoke joint wearing a story green oh yeah yeah bar that barbecue place that place is good you know I was ordering from there and I forgot that I had actually been there because it was just a barbecue place I had been to mm-hmm but they're so fucking reasonably priced for like good barbecue it's not bad it's insane because it's like cheaper than it would be in Texas even really and like yeah and there's a premium on barbecue here beef prices are like fucking through the roof it's across the street from that

big E mural you know what it is or is take Instagram so their brisket is like kind of like too fatty the cuts of like way too much fat in them so maybe you like I love that shit well I don't like eating I love a fatty brisket I love fatty brisket but I don't like just eating fat with no fucking meat that is where you and me differ my friend I love a nice fat globule of fat just fucking eat that shit up yeah I I like you know sex with men yeah like to have sex well I'm sorry for being tired on this one folks but what are you gonna do sometimes you chip your teeth you can't sleep and I've had a full day

therapy work here stand I gotta go do comedy now I actually worked for a real day yeah I had a fucking real day and that you know what it was I was up late last night doing going through all those expenses for the last quarter so that kept me up and then once I've been doing math for hours and like your brain hurts yeah it won't go away yeah yeah every time I do a single math problem I get my head I might I have that I was a kid like math and like a gym felt the same exhausting you just tuckered out math yeah yeah yeah bro every time I tried to read as a little kid I would fall asleep I loved reading I used to

read a lot as a kid I love reading right now but I hated doing math I hate math too yeah I hate math because there's a there's a like a specific answer and you can be wrong was everything else yes that's sure you like how you know that's not yeah yeah bitch teacher yeah liberal arts are all about your feelings on things mm-hmm math is all about like if you get one step wrong the whole thing I actually feel like you should jerk me off is that your feeling those are my feelings well I just great yeah well that's gonna do it for this episode and you know if you guys want start a petition to have Ian brought back I

think we all know what the variable is all things considered you want to talk about doing the math like a joke from like two x February of last year I think it's a hero it's not a joke I was getting kicked off the podcast that wasn't a joke you were kicked off the podcast no this is a was an in came on mm-hmm and then Ian came on he was he auditioned yeah okay well now it's been 30 minutes so great we can go stay tuned you guys if you hated this we're saving all the jokes for the premium if you want a better show make sure to pay us money that's right to hear the same kind of bullshit but there's double it

there's more of it there's more there's twice as much bullshit yeah a hundred percent more bull all right good night good night