The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 9 – Technical Difficulties

Episode Date: July 6, 2016

(PLEASE REDOWNLOAD) Well this one’s jammed packed with content folks. Jim Norton joined us for the first half, but then the second half of his episode got fucked up when I forgot to change the batteries in the four track. So our good friend Felix of Chap

🎵 Okay, here we go. This is Come Town, episode nine. I think it's episode nine. I feel it. Maybe it's episode nine. I think it's episode nine. This is a big one. We've got Jim Morgan.

I think we're having a really weird starting of podcast. I hate starting a broadcast. Well, I'm alive. Thank you for listening. I never know what to say. Yeah, no, it's weird. Especially because the stakes are so low with this. You know what's funny?

You got criticized for using retard on here. Which I don't think we actually did. I've said it a lot. No. Somebody really criticized us for saying retard before we actually said it.'t think we actually did. I've said it a lot. No. Somebody really criticized us for saying retard before we actually said it. Two episodes in.

Oh, really? They just assumed we did, which is fair. Fair assumption. That was like a preemptive criticism. Sure, sure. It makes sense.

When you guys say this, it's going to bother me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, I've always been like, what is that? Or they're not listening. And then we did that.

Yay! We did that. And that was then we did that Some guy came up to us And he was like I really like the podcast And I was like Oh shit We shouldn't be saying that word Yeah Our friends

We're offending our friends Yeah you'd be surprised No matter what group you think Ah they don't listen you know like fucking eight of them come up to you at a show you're like oh my god

I can't believe I made fun of one legged Jews why would I do that they do listen so you can't so you have to just kind of write it off and go I'm gonna bother

some people saying this because there's no way they're never gonna hear you yeah have you had a one legged Jew experience a lot yeah

that's cool who's like do you get a lot legged Jew experience? A lot. Yeah. That's cool. Um, who's, who's like, do you get a lot of like hate on Twitter and stuff? Oh yeah. Yeah, sure. But it is what it is. I mean, it's, um, you know, it's funny with Twitter and social media because a lot of them come off like they're these hardcore critics and this and that, but it's like a lot of them are just literally, they need the same thing college students need with safe space.

Yeah. Right. Because they can't just come out. And they've gotten mad at me when I've said I despise their anonymity. I don't respect it. Because it's like, look, we're not in fucking communist China. All right. You're not criticizing the regime where you're going to be thrown in jail.

Right. You just want the safe space. You want to weigh in, but you don't want to weigh in as yourself. Yeah. So I get a lot of it, but you don't want to weigh in as yourself. Yeah. So I get a lot of it, but I kind of take it with a grain of salt. But it doesn't mean it's not legit criticism either. Like I did the chip animation, and some people really loved it, and a lot of people hated it.

And you have to weed through hateful comments, because a lot of them are just being cunts. But some of them made great points. So you have to weed through and go, okay, well, that was a really smart criticism. Yeah. They're right. This didn't capture go, okay, well, that was a really smart criticism. Yeah. They're right. This didn't capture Bob or whatever. You know what I mean?

But let's say between reading that, you have to read, you're a fucking piece of shit. It's like, dude, all you had to say was, this is why I didn't like it. And I actually would have given weight to what you just said. Yeah. Right. Well, I feel like, I mean, half those people are just mad about that, the schism, the O and A schism. Oh, that's a tremendous part of it.

Yeah. Well, I don't understand taking sides with like the end of two grown men's friendship. It's a weird thing. You know, it's like, that's basically what it is.

It's like a divorce. And they're really mad. Well, dad, dad gave me a better birthday last year. So I like his house more. They look at it like, and I can only speak from what I've heard from them, but a lot of them come from a place of like, this was a show that,

it was a different fan base. It was a very aggressive fan base. Very taunting. Well, I remember when I was a teenager, it wasn't like a bit, like a pest bit to blow a fucking air horn in a local news reporter's ear. No, that was the one that ended that bit actually.

They got sued. Yeah. Let's make somebody fucking deaf. Yeah. It was just about being stupid and get their name out there. Yeah. When they're, when they're,

um, when the show ended, people really did split down the middle because it was frustrating for them to see this thing that they love so much gone. Like one day it was there and one day it was gone. And then when Opie and myself didn't go with Anthony, that's when a lot of the anger came out. Like they were angry immediately that we didn't quit.

Yeah. Right. Which contractually we couldn't have. We would have gotten sued by Sirius. And then when we re-upped with Sirius and didn't go with Ant, I always kind of held out a secret hope that there would be some kind of reconciliation. But as time went on, it became apparent that it would not be. But the thing I don't understand about the side taking thing is like, have you never had a group of friends in your life?

I mean, everybody, anybody I know knows somebody that or knows two different people that fucking hate each other. Sure. And they can be friends with both of them. and that's like a social dynamic that everyone has to navigate and then these people just don't understand that I think what bothers them is they looked at it like these guys are very and I mean see these guys meaning me too are very real people they tell us how things are for them and they tell us what life is or how they see life and then all of a sudden this um as you said schism this thing happens and it's not the life is or how they see life. And then all of a sudden this, as you said, schism, this thing happens and it's not the way they saw it. They're like, these fucking guys were fake.

They didn't tell us that they didn't like each other. They acted like everything was okay. To me, I mean, I was there every day, so I saw a lot of it. But there were things that came out afterwards that I wasn't even aware of. You know, I didn't know exactly how Opie felt. There were times where he said things were good and there were times where he said things were bad. So I think the fans, if I'm sitting there

and I'm not 100% sure, like there's been a couple of things that have happened in the time since the show ended that surprised me. But then the fans also have to be realistic too. It's like Keith Richards And Mick Jagger Really don't like each other Yeah

You know Kiss didn't like each other For years Yeah Ozzy and Sabbath Didn't get along at one point It's how it is In a creative collaboration

Right The difference is When you're hearing music You're not hearing Real opinions On a real time Daily basis Yeah

You're not hearing guys You're not hearing The fucking recording sessions Right right where they're yelling at each other so when you're it's just a different dynamic with talk radio man fans get very attached to it but the only thing that bothers me about the fans reaction is the way they've kind of turned on on the three of us and it's like man we made you laugh for fucking ten years yeah guys that hated us all along that's different yeah but it's like all man, we made you laugh for fucking 10 years. Guys that hated us all along, that's different. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's like all of a sudden to have such vitriolic anger towards guys that made you, like I've been pissed off at people who I enjoyed too. Yeah. But I didn't get that vengefully angry at them. I guess it's kind of like a finding out like wrestling is fake sort of thing. But it wasn't a fake dynamic. Right. I mean, what you saw,

I mean, we were trying to be funny and there was a lot of it they saw before it ended too. But yeah, maybe it is along those lines. They just feel deceived to a certain point. But, you know, it's like, I have to let more of my personal life hang out than fucking almost anybody in show business. Like, what do you want?

Like, that's what bothers me. It's like, what do you fucking guys want? Like, I've told you more about myself than most performers would have ever told you about themselves i told you to be to be funny i told you in times when there was a slow news day you know what i mean i just started spitting shit out yeah hey sorry if i let you down what do you want me to tell you yeah you're happy you don't even use your real names when you yell at us yeah i've told you things that most guys would never have told you that's like a funny comparison to like the band thing you know like i always have had a lot of respect for like the brian setzer

orchestra that he could manage all those people that that band didn't break up you have that many people and they never had an issue where they had never had a visible issue i'm sure they had them yeah but you know how many how many musicians are there in that band i don't even know it's a whole orchestra yeah and they hold that together do you think like work like philharmonic orchestras have like like first chair violin has a heroin problem and then the tuba players tuba players wife yeah it probably happens all the time and they just boot them and you never know it's just another jerk off in a tux. There's no attachment. There's no attachment to those people.

So you'll never see them coming and going. Yeah. You know? I would love, yeah, I would love to see a showboating like

cello player. Just like, you gotta, you gotta keep it together. So you get no more, I don't know, fucking, just comes in,

makeup, I don't know, just like spandex. See, I don't know shit about the orchestra. I'm sorry I took this in this direction. I'm really reaching here. Yeah.

Hoties. Violins. That's all I really understand. I had cello. That was it. I had tuba. I don't think tubas are in orchestras, but I said it. I'm sure they are once in a while.

Yeah. Maybe that's what the rift is. You know what I mean? Maybe one guy shows up with a tuba because he's better at that and they're like, we don't need this. Whatever just happened. That's how marching bands started. They literally walked out.

Just didn't stop. Just kept going. Sorry I'm clearing my throat so much. I realize it's coffee that does it to me. I don't drink dairy at all, so it's like, that fucking thing you get, it's caffeine. I got to quit caffeine. Yeah, you're like a big, you're like a diet and exercise guy now, right?

Yeah, but I've been eating like shit lately, so I get self-hatred immediately. So over like 10 years ago, you were never like fat, but you were like. Oh, I was. I was ahatred immediately like ten years ago you were never like fat but you know I was I was a fucking pig you were like round I'll show you my driver's license photo I was an oinker I was yeah fucking yeah I would say fat yeah as a fat man I was I was I was like I was probably around the same weight you were or like the same like when I was like 17 I was like a little bit heavier but I was like I'm not fat So

Yeah I don't know What like motivated that When we were doing Tough Crowd Back in like This was like 2002 Me and Nick DiPaolo Had an argument

In the You know Far be it from Nick To say something caustic But we were in the We were in the We were in the writers room Fighting

He's like Ah you fat fuck And when he said that I was like Oh my god That's something people use at me Now when they're mad Right I must have really put A lot of weight on it And I still fluctuated Up and down And when he said that I was like Oh my god That's something people use at me Now when they're mad Right

I must have really put a lot of weight on it And I still fluctuated Up and down For years after that It was a couple years ago I just got sick of it But I found I was looking through my old hard drive

Last night Trying to find something To jerk off to That I'd saved And I saw a picture of myself Actually on camera With Gene Garofalo For the first Tough Crowd

And I was so fucking fat yeah we taped those first eight in november of 2002 and i remember i think i was in for the first date and uh oh was i fucking horrible that was like almost at my fattest i was probably like 175 at that point i think i hit 181 at one point if i remember right yeah that's kind of fat i guess yeah, yeah. I'd take that back. That's hilarious, yeah. That would be pretty big. What was your fat guy vice?

Did you have a specific thing that you did that you just went crazy on? Food, you mean? No, it was everything. Because I quit smoking in 2001. So I think that was where I just started eating more. And no, I wasn't exercising. I was doing this thing for a long time when we got kicked off the radio, which was, again, 2002, 2003, where I was watching The Sopran long time when we got kicked off the radio, which was again, 2002, 2003,

where I was watching The Sopranos and eating fruit until four in the morning. I'd go to the diner and get these, this giant like fruit plate with,

what comes with fruit? Cottage cheese. And I didn't realize that that was all fattening and sugar. Wow, that sucks. Wow, getting fat from fruit is horrific.

That's the worst way to do it That was just one way to do it I mean there was other stuff I was eating That was just That was like I was thinking I was being healthy

At two o'clock in the morning Well that is pretty healthy Cottage cheese is like A great you know Post sleep Or pre-sleep meal Sugar keeps you up all night It was really awful

Yeah the sugar Yeah I guess that's Probably bad for you I tried to get I tried to be healthy By ordering a salad yesterday And I was like Oh like a chicken salad

And it was just like I just ordered from a place I'd never gotten It was like four pieces of lettuce And just a chicken cutlet On top of it And I was like well I guess I ate a salad today

Yeah you gotta ask for grilled chicken You gotta ask You do So I'm the Why do vegan tell me You're fucking worse than me When I order I'm horrible

I order everything exactly how I want I went to uh i went to joe's uh by the uh by the stand oh yeah fucking place and i was like can i get like a just a chicken salad and the guy was like what like uh what you mean like a chicken salad i'm like yeah no yeah that's literally yeah that's what i said yeah let me get a chicken salad he's like oh, oh, okay, I guess. And he was like, weird about it. I was like, what the fuck was that? And then they bring the, and it was chicken salad. It wasn't like a chicken salad.

With mayo and stuff, right? With mayonnaise. And it was a giant scoop, like the size of a half of fucking basketball on the plate. And they're like, yeah, it's like $13. He thought I just wanted like a You know three pounds Of chicken salad A handful of chicken salad I'll just put it in my hand please

I'll just take I'll walk it No you gotta ask for A regular salad And say I want grilled chicken on it That's how you gotta order that Cause chicken salad They bring that fucking

Like you said that scoop of mayo It sucks This is excellent content I know it really is I know We're just chatting About the fucking Three fucking hens

Yeah Fetching about our weight Oh I don't know It goes right to my hips I know We're just chatting About the fucking Three fucking hens Yeah Fetching about our weight Oh I don't know It goes right to my hips I try the fruit salad It's delightful We really should be killed

Well I don't know I guess It's just weird to think That like Cause you seem like You know Very like Not obsessive

But like detail oriented And you gotta schedule And you gotta like You know Keep things going All the time So the weight Fitness stuff

And like the diet stuff Makes sense In the context of your personality now i don't like what was your thing before diet and exercise i was up i mean you know i was i as much as i talk about escorts and stuff i really don't do that much at this point um but back then man i was in somatic depression i was doing uh like fucking dominatrixes every night escorts every night you know till three o'clock in the morning we did afternoons

when I was in NBW so I was not a morning person so I'd go to bed at six in the morning seven in the morning get up at two or three in the afternoon tough crowd tape

to three so we'd get the topics I'd write the night before I'd get up at like noon at the fucking earliest and then kind of go sluggish to work so it's like

there was no time to exercise. After that, it would be right to work and do gigs and up all night again. So now getting up in the morning kind of helps you be more regimented in life. So that's why I hate it, but I like it for that reason. I feel like a real person. Because you quit drinking like young. I was 18, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you regret that at all? No, no, no. I don't. Regret quitting drinking? I do. I do. I've been sober for a couple years and I don't know no. I don't. Regret quitting? I do. I do. I've been sober for a couple years, and I don't know why. I don't understand why I'm doing it.

There's times where I was like, hey, smoking pot would be fun. But I learned from the people who, is that too loud, that thing? No. You sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's times where I crave it. Like, wow, that'd be fun. But then I look at people who are wrecking their careers with it, and I'm like, no, it

wouldn't be. Yeah. Because I'm the guy who wrecks his career with career that Joe Rogan fucking eats pot and then practices jujitsu I'm not that guy yeah yeah I'm not the guy that fucking eats pot and then succeeds I don't really have a career to wreck so I mean it's it's kind of just like you know I just haven't had fun in the last three and a half years. I guess things have gone better for me. Things are definitely better. You, you used to live with a, uh, clown rape victim from the army in a closet in Baltimore. Remember that?

That was, that was your life. You worked at a, you were a part-time, what were you, a telemarketer for a symphony? You don't think your life is better since you quit drinking? No, no. I look worse for not knowing shit about the orchestra. I worked for the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra. I was like a telefunder for them. I worked in the basement at nights and I would like call old people and beg them for money for the orchestra.

Oh my God. And I lived with a clown that had PTSD from when he was raped in the army. So he would like fucking wake up in the middle of the night hyperventilating and screaming and throwing his clown shit all over the fucking... Who raped him? Another clown, I guess. He was in clown college. Other soldiers. That was the story, yeah.

Wow. You rushed a clown fraternity and they raped him. And it's shitty. I know like, you know, believe victims or whatever, but I don't think it just didn't make sense. Yeah, there's times where victims are lying, too. I mean, just because they're victims or they say they're victims. Everyone's not a victim just because they say they are. Yeah.

I mean, the story, the way he told it is, like, he was coming out of surgery at, like, age 47. And he, like, one of the orderlies in the hospital looked creepy. And then he had, like, a flashback to, like, oh, yeah, when Ilies in the hospital looked creepy and then he had like a flashback to like oh yeah when i was in the army i got raped but there's you know repressed memories is kind of like a bunk science a lot of that's just like a suggestion you know on the part of a therapist it can be yeah although i know cases where it's really come back um you know where your mind shuts down and fucking because you're protecting the person, um, or protecting someone who abused you or whatever, or protecting yourself from it.

It's a good time for my fuck. You do that bit though about your friend with the star, what was it? The Star Wars cards or the Star Wars toys? Oh yeah. My friend who got, uh, I think molested by the fucking, uh, security guard. He pulled his dick out to show him that he didn't have any Star Wars. That's a true story. He came back with a store with Corvettes,

a white trash department store in New Jersey. And I just forgot it for years. But I didn't repress that or wipe it out. It might have just been unpleasant or scary and I walked away from it.

But I wasn't the one who was abused. He didn't ask to see my dick. He asked to see my friend's dick. Well, it's like the satanic ritual. I'm just being thorough, honestly. The satanic ritual abuse

like scandals in the 80s. You know, they have all these kids where they're like, and then did he, you know, like, and you can say no, but did he bend you over and fuck you in the ass and pull your hair, you know?

And then the kid's like, yes. They're just like playing with a truck and not even looking at the investigator. And like most of those people recanted. But there was like one, like if you watch, you know, Capturing the Freedmen's, I think there's like one guy that's like, no, he did it. He's still convinced that it happened.

Yeah. That's a very weird thing with repressed memories and childhood, like the McMartin preschool. You know what I mean? They, it was a whole thing was a, uh, I don't know that story. Oh, it's a really huge story. Look up the McMartin preschool with the power of suggestion. Yeah. A bunch of kids said that these teachers molested them. Yeah. In hindsight, it looks like they really didn't. Look up the McMartin Preschool where the power of suggestion, a bunch of kids said

that these teachers molested them. In hindsight, it looks like they really didn't. Well, that's what, yeah, but this case was. Did you see Capturing the Freedmen? I did, yeah. One of those guys

was a comedy seller one night. Oh, really? He was doing the documentary. One of the victims or one of the Freedmen? One of the Freedmen. Oh. Okay.

I think. Did you ask him if he did it? Don't remember. I don't remember if I mentioned him or not. It you ask him if he did it? Don't remember. I don't remember. You should be great if you just conspired with everyone in there that was there that night to be like, he raped all of us. He came in and he raped everybody.

He came to the cellar. I don't think we knew he was there while I was on, or I don't remember if I knew he was on God fucking damn do you guys talk I'm gonna open my dryer my washer thing because that's gonna beep

and annoy the shit out of me look at the look at Mr. where's clothes over here he's got his own washer so how do you feel about this how's it going pretty good

I think you know we could pick it up probably I want to ask about dominatrixes probably next in a second that would be a good idea we could do that we probably. Yeah. I want to ask about dominatrixes probably next in a second. That would be a good idea. We could do that. We always talk more about Bray Shee. We probably could have gotten more into Baltimore, that weird period of time in Baltimore where

you were a big time alcoholic and you were... I mean, I was a big time alcoholic, you know, for years. Yeah. Well, that's... But I knew you then when you were... Yeah. You know, there's plenty of, this is a nice little

mid-podcast check-in. It is a good mid-podcast check-in. This apartment is so nice. I'm like, just so relaxed. You usually do it in your shitty office, you know,

where I'm thinking about getting all that free cereal. Right. That woman so badly wanted to kick me out last week. Oh, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, who are you here with?

She asked me that like three times. They barely want me there. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Where was this? He has this fucking dumb job at this office in Midtown. So you can tell him.

Yeah, I work for this company. They're trying to launch a comedy site, but the rest of it is all clickbait. They all do just the worst parts of the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just ripping off anything that's successful they just do their own version and it makes the sad part is that's what makes the most money it's not original content it's just taking other ideas and retreading them uh but most of the people there are just like you know it's coders it's advertising people it's like professional people and it's like yeah the company the company

is like what are they their main thing is like programmatic ad sales or something it's an it's like professional people and it's like yeah the company the company is like what are they their main thing is like programmatic ad sales or something it's an it's an advertising company and then you know i think what their main thing is they they uh they find like media outlets or websites and then they tailor like ad content for those sites oh but then to make more money they said well why don't we have our own proprietary sites right and then put the ads on there and then one of them is like an onion or like yeah and then they're turning into comedy but whatever that what matters is that most of the people that are perfect like you know real people with real fucking jobs and shit and then we come in every once in a while with dog t-shirts and mullen's wearing a mountain deuce sleeveless tee and they're just trying to kick us out every day do the podcast there, and it's like,

clearly we don't belong there. Clearly this is, you know, we're the people that are just working for the comedy site and doing a cum podcast in one of their conference rooms. But I'm surprised with the internet and stuff, there's so many people that work on it that don't wear a suit and a tie. I'm surprised they're not used to that dynamic

of somebody who's different or odd coming in. I mean, it's not that uncommon with the fucking web. Yeah, well, it's mostly because I'm screaming they're not used to that dynamic of somebody who's different or odd coming in. I mean, it's not that uncommon with the fucking web. Well, it's mostly because I'm screaming in the kitchen or whatever. She got mad at me because Adam said that, like, Adam told this story about, he's like the other guy we do this podcast with. Adam was like watching, well, fuck, because now his friends listen. I can't tell his story. Well, whatever.

He said he overheard like some girl he's watching like game of thrones with some girl and the episode ends and the girl was like it's just so cool that we like all get to be a part of this like cultural event together it's like a cultural movement she's referring to game of thrones it's like a cultural movement and then you know we were like making fun of her in the kitchen or whatever i was like yeah like you know how like dr martin luther king wrote game of thrones and the receptionist is i was like she's like a black lady and i saw her like fucking snap and look at me as soon as i said dr martin luther king you're just taking free cereal it's 6 p.m you're loading up on their breakfast cereal that they have there and eating and drinking coffee special k they have there and she asked

me like three times. She's like, who are you here with? Does he know you're here? And it always kicked me out. I want to ask you this about, because you know about like, I guess, well, prostitutes and stuff. Because somebody told me, do you know what FINDOM is? Financial Elimination.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody told me yesterday that that's not real. Oh, it's real. Like a grizzled vet. Of course I know. That there's no real market for it. But people do that? For real? Of course there's guys. Like a grizzled vet. Of course I know. But there's no real market for it. But people do that for real? Of course there's guys.

I used to date a dominatrix. There are guys that love that. They absolutely is real. I'm not saying it's a big fetish, but there's a lot of guys that love opening their wallet. It's probably more wishful thinking on the part of the dominatrixes too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there are guys that love that type of humiliation. I don't get it at all. I don't do it. I think it's stupid. Right, yeah. I'm tactile. You know, I need to fucking get my ass in myiliation. I don't get it at all. I don't do it. I think it's stupid. Right. Yeah.

I'm tactile. You know, I need to fucking get ass on my face. I gotta smell it. That's how most people are. Yeah. With cumming. That's what I don't get about

like when a dominatrix, it's like they just like treat you bad and then look, do whatever you want at first. Treat me like shit, whatever. But at some point, I want to cum.

Sure. Yeah, right. That's where. Well, at the end of the day, with the fin dom shit, you're still beating off and if you're beating off, then it's like a fantasy and then it's like, But at some point I want to come Sure That's where Well at the end of the day With the Fyndham shit You're still beating off And if you're beating off Then it's like a fantasy

And then it's like Why don't you just fantasize About someone taking your money It's not enough anymore And you keep the money No it's progression It's not enough How come you don't

Just drink one beer Well because eight Is what I need now That's how it is With this shit It doesn't feel good anymore Gotta keep upping the ante A little bit

Gotta do this Fyndham does nothing for me I don't get it I mean I get it But it's stupid to me Yeah Nah cause there's This girl that hates Kurt

The one after Kurt Who Just like a nut job Internet person And she does Fyndom now I guess Cause she couldn't get A job writing

But Yeah Someone was telling me That there's no way That she actually has a job doing that Because no one will Wait, she does financial domination? But online, where she just like texts you like, fuck you pig

And then apparently men give her money for that What? Yeah, it's a weird thing with, there are guys that like to be Like if you would have told me at one point in my life That I would ever get turned on by a woman putting her feet in my face while I jerked off, I would have thought you were nutty. But. So you grew into feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I never liked it. When I did my ex-girlfriend who was a dominatrix, a beautiful size, eight feet, never cared about them. Never. It was something that happened after. A recent development. Yeah, it was one of those things where you just get bored and you move on. So financial domination is probably one of those things where guys who love just having hookers say, open your wallet, or dominatrixes say, open your fucking wallet, worthless.

Lick my feet, worthless. Just a way of feeling worthless and used and shitty. Probably guys like judges and fucking hedge fund guys and guys that get whatever they want. That's weird, and now I have to worry about about that that i might turn into one of those my dad at age like 60 got into trains and it was so fucking embarrassing hope you don't want to be the middle yeah two two darker studs well no really like he's like 63rd birthday And he's like yeah My wife took me up to Some bullshit town in Pennsylvania To go see a train

And then he's like Got videos of the train On his like phone I swear to god I thought you meant threesomes No no I swear to god I thought you meant threesomes

Why would I be ashamed of that It's more embarrassing To be into Yeah Yeah Yeah No I became like a railroad fan At age 63 after like i had spent 15 years making fun of those people on the internet your dad turned autistic at 63 and those are just

in your genes he just likes to look at trains he just likes trains yeah he likes enjoys looking at trains he used to oh man one time i like he used to wake up. So his wife doesn't let him do anything. He's not allowed to have like friends. One time he used to he's like wake up at like four, four, like three forty five, four o'clock in the morning and like go out into like where his like laptop is by the kitchen area in the apartment and like quietly look at model cars on eBay, like slot cars and stuff that he wasn't allowed to buy. His wife wouldn't let him have anything, but he would just look at these collectibles that he would have if he could. But he had to sneak out into the computer area to do that. Why? I don't know, because his life's shit.

You don't like her? No, she's great, actually. She was a nightmare when I was a teenager, but now that I'm an adult and she doesn't have any control over me, she's a lot of fun. Right. She's like, we went to my grandmother's funeral like two months ago

and she's like, you know, well, I got to stop to get and she gets those little like, you know, those tiny liquor bottles so she can get drunk

at the funeral. Yeah. She's yelling like, fuck you to everybody and everybody's like horrified. Oh, wow. This is funny. I think it's...

Once you're out of it, it's fun to watch from a distance yeah my funeral i don't give a shit you know let her ruin it is your dad embarrassed by her is he like one of those co-dependents who's like oh you know she's just grieving you know or is he's it's not it was his mom yeah it wasn't he was the one who was grieving she was just drinking so she's just being an asshole i guess yeah, yeah, a little bit. I don't know how he... I mean, they're not...

Well, I mean, maybe they're happy. Who fucking knows? They've been together forever now. Right. But at a certain point, it's like, what are you going to do? Right. When you're like, you know, 60, whatever. Yeah.

What are you going to start a new life? Yeah, it's hard when you're older. I feel bad for older women. I think older guys have a shot. We can always go out and find somebody. Right. But if you're like in your fucking late 50s, early 60s with two kids. You don't have a shot if you're like 63 years old and you just like trains.

Yeah, that does knock down the odds. You're not having money. You're just a guy who likes trains. Yeah. You're knocking a lot of pussy off the auction block when you fucking come with that. Yeah. The only woman he can fuck are the women that are tied up on the tracks.

Yeah. And rescue. Oh, man. So, usually we take a break right around now. You break on your podcast? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you break?

Just because it, like, offers people, like, a split. If you do, like, a 30-minute chunk, people listen to 30 minutes if they're, like, I don't know. I read it.

Where are we at, time-wise? About 30 minutes. Oh, okay. We'll take a quick break yeah sounds good take a quick break do you do any ads um no we do uh uh like a patreon where people can just like like oh okay it's like a monthly donation they donate yeah now we're getting like i don't know 90 bucks that's nice yeah my friend started a podcast like two months ago and that's where I got the idea for the Patreon thing. And I checked yesterday to see how much money they're making off donations to their podcast. And do you want to guess?

Um, is it a good podcast? Yeah, it's a good podcast. A thousand bucks a month? No. It's just shy of like $8,000 a month. Wow. For like a podcast off like donations. That's insane. I mean, well, we were smart because they, yeah. Oh, they000 a month. Wow. For like a podcast. Off like donations. That's good.

That's insane. I mean, well. If we were smart, because they provide services. Oh, they're smart guys. Yeah, they do like, they know about fucking Syria. Journalism and shit like that. Yeah.

We're not like, we don't really know stuff. Yeah. We barely can keep a conversation going. Right, perfect. So we'll take a break. Sure.

And either, so here's the thing. Either we'll decide, like if we're having a good time, we'll like continue or like we'll take a break and either so here's the thing either uh we'll decide like if we're having a good time we'll like continue or like we'll just get adam for the second half oh a teaser uh so take a break and we'll be back they say you can't say that so you're wearing a phone right now well shasta mcnasty is saying that so you want a brofist you share my sister people say don't do that. Give them breast implants. We say,

do the McNasty. Shasta McNasty. The WWF's big show and Sidney Margolis guest star on the series premiere. You want to play in her sandbox, you're going to trade in that little digger for a steam shovel, baby. A full hour beginning at 8, 7 central

UPN Tuesday. Bitch. Okay, we're back, and Jim Norton is gone. Stav's fault, mainly. No, he loved me. Yeah, no, we recorded a second half with Jim, and then the recorder shut off because I didn't change the batteries. I think there was like a rape override.

We talked about rape for too long. We talked about a bunch of shit for too long. It was bad. It was fucking terrible. It's probably better that it got erased. But it shut off and then I didn't know what to do. So I panicked and just pretended like it was still on for a while. That's right.

Because at the end you were like, oh no, It doesn't work Yeah But hopefully Jim Jim won't listen to this He won't find out No chance he listens Yeah of course not

No I don't think he even knows The name of the podcast Didn't ask Didn't at all Yeah But yeah no We really fucked that one up

That was like a big I know we should have done Some work for us It was a big guest And we kind of ruined it By We had no We had nothing prepared. Like, less prepared than when we do it with you, Adam.

You know what I mean? But we're friends. We can't be like, hey, Jim, do you know about Dr. Evil? So, all right, we're going to pretend that I'm Dr. Evil. And you need to react to it as if I actually were. I mean, what was just, like, you didn't have anything to talk about with him or? Yeah, no, not really. I mean, there's plenty of shit to talk about.

It's just like, we want to just say dumb shit. Yeah. And, you know, I don't know if he was on board with that. No, not at all. He was just like answering earnestly. It was, yeah, it was like he was having like a really, we talked about like, actually that's probably going to stay in the first one, huh?

Yeah. The first, the people already listened to it. We talked about like diet actually, that's probably going to stay in the first one, huh? Yeah. The first, the people already listened to it. We talked about like dieting and shit like that. Yeah, it was 27 minutes of talking about chicken salad and the best, what you have to do to order chicken salad at Joe's. I told a great anecdote about going to Joe's on 3rd Avenue and I asked for a chicken salad. Oh, yeah. And the guy was like, what do you mean?

I'm telling literally the same story. People just listened to this, by the way. Adam wasn't, what do you mean? I'm telling literally the same story. People just listened to this, by the way. Adam wasn't here. I mean, now you're telling me the stories. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.

We have a whole new bit. We have Felix Biederman from Chapo Trap House, honorary Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Felix Biederman, and Adam. Of course, I'm back.

Adam, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake. And I'm actually now, I'm Sherrod Vrosalkius. Yeah, Sherrod Vrosalkius. The Black-O-Rican rattlesnake. The Black-O-Rican rattlesnake from Race Wars. Spinoff. Stav told me he had a racial awakening on his way here.

That's absolutely right. Yep, I'm a Black-O-Rican now. Yeah, we're actually now live at the Anthony Cumia Studios 2 in Bed-Stuy. Bed-Stuy. Believe it or not, Anthony's not actually allowed in this neighborhood. So we have to Skype him in whenever he tells us how to decorate the studio because he wants it to look just like the top of the Empire State Building where his real studio is.

Oh, man. He likes to stand on the balcony and just say the N-word a lot. Yeah, so this whole place is filled with lawn jockeys, a lot of blackface art, the way Anthony wants it. The Al Jolson wing of the studio. All of his concealed carry permits adorn the walls. African masks with darts in them. I think the thing that sums up this studio is the graphic that reads right when you walk in,

have you ever tried counting to six million? And it really makes you think. It's too big of a number. How could a number be that big? I agree. I agree. He said that Mr. Show sketch with the highest number, but with the Holocaust. Yeah, yeah.

The next guy to add one number to another number is going to hear from my 45. That's such a good sketch. But boss. Oh, man. The pitch for that sketch must have made absolutely no sense. I mean, most of them. Most of those. Most of their sketches were like that.

That's what made it such a funny show, is that they were just trying to be funny. Also, the fact that they kind of circumnavigated the fact that it's really hard to end a sketch. Oh, yeah. That was genius. Just blowing it up and then, like, you know, mashing or whatever.

I'm trying to. I'm trying. Maybe you guys can help me with this. Stav's company pays $50 for anyone who can come up with a sketch. It doesn't matter if you're homeless. It's true. It doesn't matter if you're illiterate.

I did get that $50 for an anonymous sketch. That's right. It's dropping this week, baby. Well, I want to do. Here's what I need to. We need to riff this one out. Maybe we can just do it on the podcast and then sell the idea. Yeah, so it's Jurassic Park.

But Attenborough is like, we can bring back the dinosaurs and then we can fuck them. And he just wants to fuck the dinosaurs. Suck my fucking dick. Suck my fucking dick. You do the song? That's pretty much all we got.

I love it. Well, no. Okay, so the mosquito, it's sealed in cum. And he says, this proves that even the tiniest of creatures can be fucked. I love it. Something about maybe getting pissed on by a hot, thick stream of brontosaurus piss.

Yeah, being pissed on by brontosaurus. Have you imagined eating the asshole of a brontosaurus? As it unloads tons and tons of waste Of foliage Into your mouth And he just wants to Fuck the dinosaurs Maybe Chris Pratt Knows how to jack off Velociraptors

He's the only guy That can do it He's got a cool I'm not fat anymore Style He's an action star Yeah I don't appreciate that That guy betrayed us

Can you imagine how good He is at giving head You know Cause like fat people Are good at giving head Hell yeah dude Cause they like to eat That's is at giving head? You know, because like fat people are good at giving head. Hell yeah, dude. Because they like to eat. That's my favorite. I know. Yeah. You know what they say about fat

girls, dude? Is there better giving head because they like eating? You know those guys? Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, because that's how you suck it. They do. You get nourishment like that. That's the way you eat things is by sucking it off. Classic. So what... Speaking of eat things is by sucking it off. Classic.

Speaking of getting sucked off or jerked off, somebody has a little story. Oh, yeah. Tell the story. Somebody got their little. Should I? Yeah, absolutely. I already told everybody. You said it during the first half?

No, but I've been telling people. Yeah. I got a full-service massage. What happened, dude? That's when you get jerked off in Jersey is a full-service massage. Yeah, they actually don't let you jack off by yourself in Jersey. Yeah. It's a big problem they have.

They pump the gas and they jack off. The union is too strong. I had a slight headache. I was walking down Canal Street at about 5 in the afternoon a couple weeks ago. And I had my back hurt because I had my laptop in my backpack. And I saw a massage, $25. Nice, $25. I was like, that's $25, 30 minutes.

Good deal. Tell me off air. On Canal. Canal what? We'll talk about it. There's like 35 of these places on Canal. Tell me off air. On Canal. Canal what? We'll talk about it. There's like 35 of these places on Canal. There's like 100. Yeah.

Every single one of those places where they have like a discount massage, they'll jack you off. The best part of it. Yeah. Give us the whole experience. The best part of it is like, she's like, you want hard or soft? And I was like, hard. And so she just starts walking on my back and it hurt.

It's like very uncomfortable. It was a terrible massage. She actually fucked up my back and it hurt it's like very uncomfortable it was a terrible massage she actually fucked up my back for like four days that's hilarious but uh but she jerked you off she like you think you're gonna get beat off or no i didn't it really wasn't in the front of my mind you had an inkling though i was if it happens it happens listen to this motherfucker oh I don't know if this if this $25 massage place will beat me off

in the basement of a fucking shoe store yeah this is like that Jim Carrey movie where he can't say no yeah

that's Adam's version of it liar liar no no there was another one that was just like yes man ripping off

liar liar yeah yeah yes man how did he make that movie well I mean I consider liar liar the Quran and yes man like the Hadith. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it expanded on the lessons of that movie.

Exactly. The best part was she's like, okay, hand or mouth with condom. And I was like, I don't – my sister listens – okay, whatever. It's too late now. It's too late. All right. When I was 19 I was in Israel

In a strip club You're worried about Your sister hearing about Sex on the cum podcast Yeah yeah that's true I was in Israel At a strip club There was this Russian woman

With braces and fake tits And she had a necklace on That said sex on it Oh where do you get That necklace She said fuck And I was there with like Boys It came with the braces? I was just like, fuck. I was there with boys. It came with the braces.

I was on my occupation tour with my friends. You were there to steal the rightful land of Palestinians. Lap dances were 20 shekels, which is like $5. We're getting a ton of lap dances. I love And we're getting like a ton of lap dances. I love that you're complaining about the price of lap dances. No, no, no. He's talking about what a bargain it is, dude. Incredible. He's chewing it up even further. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It was only 20 shekels. There's no way a Jew can complain about or mention the cost of something without it sounding like a complaint. That's where all that Sheldon Adelson money goes. It goes to subsidized strippers for birthright. We'll pay for $15 of the lap dance. That's actually pretty smart.

Anyway, she's like, you want private room? So I went, and she was like, blowjob with condom, 200 shekel. And I was just like which is like and you talked her down and i had my meal stipend thing for the month like the program gave us a meal stipend yeah and i had literally had an envelope of cash in it and i like fumbled through it i just like entered the cash and i got a blowjob with a condom. Came in three minutes. That's insane to me. Maybe less.

Okay. Well, because the braces tear it off immediately. Smart. She knows what she's doing. That's less time than it takes for the Iron Dome to block a missile. Same technology. That's what actually they call that braces blowjob. Just kidding.

Iron Dome. That's her nickname. There he is. There's thejob costume. Just kidding. Iron Dome. That's her nickname. There he is. There's the bulldog. Oh, God. This is so extremely online. This is so good. Yo, I love getting Iron Dome.

Yeah. Dude, it was Iron Dome. I love getting Iron Dome from retarded girls. Yeah, she mouth retarded. Her mouth retarded as hell, dog. Left my entire meal stipend for the month. In this girl's mouth? In that strip club.

That's hilarious. I starved. Literally for a month, I would eat at 5 o'clock once a day. I'd wait to eat. Ironic, that's like Ramadan. I'd eat at 5. It was like my Jewish Ramadan Anyway I felt horrible about the whole thing

Yeah Fast forward Fast forward two weeks ago She turns me over She's like $50 So you're fully nude? She pulls

No not yet I'm in my boxers Okay That's the funniest part of the whole story Which does this person look like by the way?'s that how are we looking what does she look like you know i don't want to do the accent but do the accent woman she's like but is she hot is what i'm getting at here she was attracted i know that people can't see this because this is a podcast but adam just put on a straw hat yeah and, and he's really stretching his eyes. He's got tape all over the place.

All right, gong sound. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. We're in the massage parlor. So she says, do you want to touch me? And I was like, okay. So she takes my hand, puts it up her shirt, and I'm just squeezing her boob. I'm like, okay, So she takes my hand, puts it up her shirt, and I'm just like squeezing her boob.

I'm like, okay, this is cool. And she was not. She's like, yeah. She's like, okay, hand her mouth. And I was like, I'm not going to go for mouth with condom. I think I'm going to go hand. This is an expert practitioner. I see what you're saying.

You're thinking she's much better at it. I've never gotten a good hand job in my life. I agree with that either. Not even from me. I abuse my shit. You don't have a good hand job in my life. I agree with that either, yeah. Not even from me. I abuse my shit. You don't have a good technique, though? She did 50 million times better than I've ever done. So she's a pro.

Incredible. But the best part was I was wearing my boxers. She pulled out my boxers, and she looks at my dick, and then she looks up at me, and she goes, like it was the biggest dick she'd ever seen in my entire life and i was like oh come on yeah i hate that like it's so big a girl i hooked up with is not a girl like that was doing the same shit she's like oh my god it's so big she's like pretending to choke on my it's like listen i've had my dick for a very long time

I know exactly how big my dick is it's not a big fucking dick she was doing fake gagging dude it was so I was embarrassed for both of us

she was actually just gagging from report yeah yeah hey what the fuck anyway I left I came super quick also she was incredible

she beat me off it was amazing. How much did the whole shebang run you? It was $75. I left, and I was just so mad at myself. I was like, New York City, you've done it again. You just fucking vacuumed $75 out of my pocket. Whatever, man.

That could have been a decent pair of pants. It could have lasted me a couple years. That's true. And I just fucking paid for sex work. Nothing, not that there's anything wrong with that. That's true And I just fucking paid For sex work Nothing Not that there's anything Wrong with that Right That's legit

And then I told the girl That I was Used to be dating I'm not dating her anymore But And she was like So mad at me You told the girl

You used to be dating And you got beat off Yeah we had like an open thing That you paid To get jacked off By someone that looks Exactly like her Yeah

So she was like What her life would be like If her parents didn't come over. But I thought, like, it was this progressive thing where she's like, yeah, I want to fuck other people, too. Yeah, that's totally a Bernie Sanders move, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so brand new. She does cam work.

Or she did cam work, so I didn't think that it was, like, a big deal to her. And she's like, you're disgusting. That's disgusting. I don't feel bad is came work bad though i feel like you have to because we live in the future now yeah you have to beat off that's like the new way to fuck like i would love if my dick was bigger i would beat off on with a luchador mask on you don't have to have a big dick dude you already have all those instagram followers that's true. A lot of gay men want to fuck me.

A lot of Zend-O-Lit. There was a guy I saw on Chatterbait one time who had to be like 89 years old. He looked like... What a start of a sentence.

There was a guy I saw on Chatterbait one time. He's this old ass man completely bald. How does Chatterbait work? You just... People just jack off

on camera. No, no, no. That's Chatroulette. Chatterbait is like a gallery, people just jack off on camera. Just randomly you get paired with people jacking off. No, no, no. That's Chatroulette. Chatterbait is like a gallery. That's also LinkedIn Premium. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a gallery. You can choose somebody to watch, masturbate, or whatever.

So you watched an 89-year-old man beat up? Yeah, I was like, look how old this man is. I mean, there is a market for everything on camera. Oh, yeah. Like, that's, half of bodybuilders supportbuilders support themselves by jacking off on their stuff. That's how they buy Anabar. Really? Is that you gave her pay stuff?

Yeah. Hell yeah. There's actually a separate room in GNC where you can do all that. The supplements. When Arnold, to raise money to come to America, Arnold's dad actually just recorded himself jacking off on an 8mm. Distributed it over the Iron Curtain. Oh, God.

He's a cop, you idiot. Well, that guy, yeah. That guy, he was like 89 years old. Big, long, white beard. He looked like The Giver. You know the cover of The Giver? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looked like that guy.

Like Walt Whitman? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looked like Walt Whitman you know the cover of the giver like that guy like walt whitman yeah yeah yeah he looked like walt whitman uh kids right yeah less of less of a sexual deviant than the actual walt whitman this was just a guy that jacked off on camera instead of on little boy's faces and so he's got uh and he's got like this distended belly and like you know just like an old fucking ass man he's got nipple clamps and he's like beating and hitting his dick with shit and he's jacking off and uh he just seemed to be having like a great time and i'm like you know what good for him he figured out the computer he's like you know living an active life this isn't like it's not deviant if he's like you know like his family's probably like, yeah, Grandpa loves the computer.

We got him. They're like, yeah, he's using the camera to keep in touch with friends from the war. He's Skyping all over. He loves Skype. He's on Skype all the time. He doesn't really use any of the email software we got him, but it's, yeah, he loves that camera.

So, you know, he's holding out. Oh my god. Have you guys ever tried to have skype sex before i have it's terrible i have so bad you just feel silly like you you like see yourself in the little box a little corner like you're like i didn't your mangled face just like beating off oh no i get a top angle of my dick and i angle it down so that my dick looks good no i'd go you Terrence Malick of jacking off. Just trees and leaves. I got a lens flare coming out. This is a Jessica Chastain voiceover.

I don't know what I gave you. Yeah, I only do it in 70mm. 70mm. The light is just exquisite. I mean, Louis C.K. is really adamant about using a red box for his jack off footage. Yeah. When he does it in front of women without their consent.

They're bringing that back. That's coming back. Roseanne was talking about it. Who was it? Jen Kirkman that said that? Yeah. Apparently she said it and then deleted it. She said that he either said that he did it to her or brought up the allegations and then deleted the tweet.

Interesting. That he's just like a subway jack-offer, but he does it in hotels? Yes, he does it in his hotel room. He dresses his hotel room up like a subway station and then invites people. No, you've got to swipe. You've got to swipe to get in. Yeah, he's an autistic pervert because he has to incorporate trans. Yeah.

Oh, God. I don't know. I mean, it seems like from what I've heard, there's been no substantial claim. It might be a thing he likes to do consensually is beat off in front of people. But if that's a thing, then that's just like kink shaming. Yeah. Whatever. He's the president of comedy.

Well, I don't know. I mean, if he's doing that, here's my stance. If he's doing that against people's will, I'm against it. So sorry, guys. Well, even then. I mean, he is a very good comedian. Sorry, guys. Dude, you're really taking a stand today.

I'm against forms of sexual assault. Sorry. You're coming out firing shots at Louis C.K. That's the kind of guy I am. Wow. Well, hold on. You know, I didn't say you know i said if you know but uh who what other remember there was that one comedian champion that guy champ was it vince

champion walter clean guy who was also like a rapist and murder no now i'm just accusing vince champion of being the rapist there was a guy that was like on the road champion brothers from dc those guys yeah no there's like four or five when I watch porn do you remember that bit they had this very anti-gay bit what was it do you remember dude this had this guy had a bit a pro porn bit which was incredible I don't remember it made no sense he's like when I watch porn I ain't trying to hurt nobody yeah they were great there was a guy doing anti-gay bits at Caroline's the other night. Remember that? That guy that was like, just don't do it around me.

Who, Mateo? No, yeah, it was Mateo. Well, in my defense, it was open mic night. There was a guy, I remember, did I talk about Big Ron on the podcast before? I don't know if it was, yeah, I think that was his name. Big Ron. Did we cut you off? I don't remember.

Who, me? Yeah. I don't know, probably. Whatever. You do that shit all the fucking time dude huh we're gonna beef about it i do no i mean him adam does it yo let's blaze adam's the cutoff yeah uh no there's this guy that used to go to uh japone you do the mic of japone oh what a shit that's so yeah that sushi restaurant where the light was just uh ian salmon like drunkenly holding up a candle at you oh he is who would do 35 minutes in between every comic um but yeah no this guy big ron he came in and he's like you know immediately like i don't write down shit i never write down shit it's all you know improvising you

know i'm like saying things off the top of my mind and uh so he goes up and it's like a nice restaurant and he's talking about like you know in jail you know you think that hearing people being raped would be bad but it's not that it's when you hear a motherfucker getting stabbed that's the fucked up part there used to be this big motherfucker, and he used to jack off to the Little Michael videos. Michael Jackson be coming on the TV, pull his dick right out, and jack off to Michael. And, you know, people are just trying to, like, eat dinner.

And then my favorite thing about that guy is he handed me his business card. I was, like, talking to him afterwards, and he and he had like a business where it was a detailing service, but just for Lincoln Town cars. Yo, I do not do fucking Escalade. Only thing I touch, Lincoln Town cars. Dude, that's, oh man, that reminds me of when Rollllo did funny moms yeah our friend rollo is our friend rollo is one of the funniest comics and every boy he's definitely a comics comic we all like no he's a good comic no no i mean like back of the room always loves rollo you know yeah in fucking shitty alt rooms is what you're talking about right so he did he did our shitty alt show in dc and you

know it's all white people with clenched assholes and he's just like talking about pink areola isn't crushing and then again saying the n-word like everyone's just like oh we love this we love this he's just like he's killing he's killing and then like all of a sudden just midway through his set he's like nah but seriously, gay sex is disgusting. How you gonna have sex in a bathroom? He goes, how the fuck you gonna get raped to death in a bathroom? Dying of AIDS and shit. And then you could just hear a pin drop,

just literally every single Columbia Heights, soft ass, white DC, you know, like, works at the, you know, fucking some NGO and, like, just silence. And then the back of the room, like, all the comics are just dying. Yeah, he's really funny. Nah, but gay sex is gross. Nah, but, like, seriously, though, gay sex is disgusting. Just like, wow. How are you gonna go there Just read the room

I used to do his rooms And just get absolute Well you gave me the best advice Like whenever I'd work a black room in DC I just like They say come up next to the stage And then just like there always be A drunk next to the stage I'm freelance and then just like there

always be a drunk woman in the stage I'd just be like oh he looked like Harry Potter right and then like everyone started laughing and stuff and I just I didn't know what to do and I'd feel like really like intimidated and stuff and the stop was just like yo if anyone makes fun of you just tell them that they have a tight shirt yeah Yeah. 100% crushes every time. Crushes every time. Look how tight this guy's shirt is. Little ass shirt. Call someone gay, say they have a little ass shirt.

Yeah. I would always make fun of Rollo for being dark skinned. Everyone loved that shit. Oh, man. Rollo hates the Warriors because they're too light skinned. That's so funny. Yeah. He's too light skinned. That's so funny. Yeah. He's anti light skinned people.

I love it. He's such a stand to take. I love it. Well, he is pretty dark. He's as dark as the fuck. Yeah, dude,

he's dark as hell. It's a stage name. Rollo. Rollo. What do we talk? What are we telling people this for? Yeah, that's what he used to order pizzas under when he was at Howard.

That's the Genesis. Why do he used to order pizzas under when he was at Howard. That's the genesis. Why do you need a name to order pizzas? He used to tell the pizza guy, Rollo Boykins. Interesting. My friend went to GW and he had this fat piece of shit roommate. This like Asian Pacific. What are they called? Pacific Islander.

APA. Whatever the name they have. Asian Pacific Islander. Yeah, Asian Pacific Islander or whatever. He was Samoan. Yeah, he was like island Chinese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was spam Chinese.

Yeah, he was shrimp Chinese. So he goes, he was this big fat kid, but he was Catholic. And I remember one time I crashed in their dorm or whatever, and he was out of town, and he had a crush on, was it Rachel Adams is the actress? Rachel McAdams. Yeah, yeah. and he was out of town and he had a he had a crush on uh was it rachel adams is the actress rachel mcadams and so above his bed he had a poster of the notebook on the ceiling which is like that's not the movie you beat off you don't have a crush on that actress you know i'm like yeah the woman where she's in love and that kid so he's real fat. And I remember, like, my friend was telling me, so for Lent, he, like, gave up pizza. And, like, the first day of Lent, they're ordering from, like, Manny and Olga's or whatever.

And they're like, yo, Jesse, do you want anything? And he was like, yeah, let me get a calzone. And he's like, no, it's not a pizza. Holy fuck. I love people who follow really strict religions. And then they're just like, oh, yeah, I'm going to fool God. Like the Hasids. I'm from Chicago, and we gave Hasids an entire neighborhood, Rogers Park. And half the people in Rogers Park are Shabbos goys.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I always thought that was weird. Like, A, they didn't update the rules to be like, oh, yeah, pressing an elevator button is work. We've decided that for some reason, but we're going to get around that by hiring a Mexican kid at Birchwood in California to press the button for us. Wait, why do they do it then?

That's how they do it? Yeah, yeah. They do that shit here. That's incredible. On Pride last year, did I mention this? I said this. Was there a Chabad float at Pride? I don't think you said it on the podcast.

I don't know if I said it on the podcast, but last year at Pride, I was walking home, and I walked through Pride, and there's a protest. There's a counter-Pride protest. A shame protest? Well, yeah. At first, it looks like they're Hasids, and I get closer, and they're Mexican guys wearing the outfits. And they're holding signs, and they're these tired, you know, tired, you know, that like five foot one Guatemalan type where you can tell underneath the hat he's got like a faux hawk like those guys.

I was like, what the fuck is this? This looks like he's just hired day laborers to protest pride. And it didn't like make sense. It was just too absurd to make sense. And then the next day, I saw in, like, the New York Daily News or something that, yeah, Hasid's hired day laborers to go protest pride. I guess it was, you know, because it was Shabbos or something,

or they couldn't be there, or they just didn't want to go themselves, so they hired day laborers to dress up like them and protest. I did the opposite of that when I was a kid. There is a, like... You so they hired day laborers to dress up like them and protest. I did the opposite of that when I was a kid. You had sex with day laborers? Yeah.

There was a Puerto Rican Day Parade in Chicago or some type of Latino parade. My mom knew the person who was organizing it, but for whatever reason, they couldn't locate Latino children to do it. And I was eight and I was like,

I was way darker as a kid. I'm glad things worked out for you. Yeah, no, it was a scare for a moment. You prayed every day. Thank God. But I bleached like one of the reggae singers.

Give me the asshole kind. I need the extra strong asshole kind. But my best friend was Greek, and we were really dark. And they paid us $20 each to lead the parade that late short time. Like, we can't trust Latino children. They're too fiery. They'll just run off. A soccer game might break out if we let them lead it.

Yeah, there's some real race science. They're like, the Jewish and Greek brain has the European order gene. That's right. It can carry the sign without straying. Oh, my God. Did you see where, I guess we said we weren't going to talk about him anymore, but Cockfield. No, Nick, please stop Fuck Adam, go ahead

You were using his real name Well, we killed off the other guy I don't want to do a cruel impression anymore But I do want to make fun of He got He's like, my girlfriend got 23 and me You just said you don't want to do a cruel impression I don't want to do a cruel impression. I don't want to do a cool impression.

You're addicted. I'm doing an accurate impression. My girlfriend got me 23 and me results for my birthday. Oh, I did see that. It's so funny.

Yeah, yeah. And so he's like 96% like British and Irish or whatever. And then he's like 4% African. So he's like,

here's the results, everybody. I'm 1% African, 4% Pacific Islander, 4% African, 95%. Who cares? And also, those, by the way, are like that's within the margin of error, that 4%. I was like 6% Jewish or something. And it's like... I swear to God.

Stav immediately got on the phone and said, what's going on with this? Margin of error. It's the margin of error. I want my money back. Did you see that? There's a thing on PBS where Henry Louis Gates was doing ancestry tests for famous black people.

I saw that. And Oprah like sitting there she's like i talked to my spirits and i know i am a zulu i am a zulu warrior i have zulu warrior blood and uh they were like no you're ghanaian like every other black person in america like yeah south africa was not part of the triangle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slavery. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about, Oprah? It was so funny.

Do you follow? Quincy Jones was more white than black, I think, too. Was he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I immediately burned every album he produced after that. Yeah. I was like, no way, buddy. What were you going to say, Nick? Do you follow?

I found them through Haywood, but one of those Pan-African Facebook groups I remember those 90% of the things they share It's like be proud of your culture Be proud of your heritage It's like a positive Affirming stuff

And then 5% of them like There's nothing wrong with female genital mutilation They shared one meme that was like And 5% of them like, there's nothing wrong with female genital mutilation. They shared one meme that was like, Europeans didn't bathe before they discovered Africans or something. It was like they learned bathing from Europeans. Going into water, that didn't come up at some point. Oh my God. Yeah, no, there's like a bunch of sites like that that claim basically every single invention was actually made in Africa like, you know,

3,000 years ago. Who are those rat, like, who are those like... The black Israelites? Black Israelites, like outside the gallery placed metro station. Yeah, yeah, they're great. So they think that white people were created by an evil scientist named Jacob

that invented white people in his lab by accident. Wait a second. Well, that differs. Like, the Nation of Islam follows the same shit where the evil scientist Yakub used germs from black people to create white people. But in the black Israelite version, he does it by accident. It's like the Nutty Professor.

Yeah. Oh, whoops. Buddy love. Which is funny because they all look like the nutty professor. Yeah. Oh, whoops. Buddy love. Which is funny because they all look like the Klumps. All of those guys. Look at these. There was...

So, wait. This is true? Like, there's a scientist? It's like a... That's what they believe. Yeah. Holy shit. They really believe that, yeah,

a scientist... And the Nation of Islam? Nation of Islam believes some, like, really cool shit. Like, they... What's Farrakhan? Is is he like still act like? He's still doing his thing. I saw a video with him and young thug and it was like really powerful Really? Yeah young thug was like it's so amazing to meet you. I would really like you. Yeah

What's with the bow ties what what's the deal with the boat really pretty pretty cool Yeah, but there's got to be a reason to wear them. I actually don't know. I know most of the Nation of Islam stuff because it's big in Chicago. They eat navy bean pies because that's supposed to make you live till 150. Hell yeah. But the bow ties is probably something like Waleed Muhammad or someone was like, I think they look good.

Right. And then usually there's a reason for shit. You notice that no Iranians wear neckties because they think ties are a symbol of Western imperialism. Oh, really? Yeah. But I thought it was just like showing off chest hair. Yeah. Yeah. The same reason the Iranians. Yeah. Yeah. But no, I actually I think the bow tie like the founder wore them or something. Everything else has like a cool reason behind it. Like, 9,000 years ago, some guy invented white people or a spaceship showed up with the bow ties. They're like, oh, we just like them.

It's just swag. That's, like, I was trying to... Do you know the story with the Hesed's, why they dress like that? Well, basically, when the Jews, like, left the pale of, like, settlement, like, in Eastern Europe, that was, like was like eastern europe

style and then once they left they basically stopped evolving their style so they just kept dressing like so everyone dressed like that at some point well in their particular yeshivas right so like that's one yeshiva had like the circle hats one yeshiva had like you know pay as one you know did i tell that story on the podcast about that guy at that Halloween party? I think you did. That we were at? Wait, no. Remember that guy at that Halloween party we were at?

Didn't you tell this on the podcast? I don't know. I don't think you did. Not when I was there. Yeah, we were at that Halloween party with those giant M&Ms who were listening to Fleetwood Mac. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We met up with Tommy, and then he was in the bathroom for like four and a half hours oh yeah do you ever do you ever do you have a blow guy yeah yeah oh yeah oh holy shit

oh my god dude that's so funny this is a completely separate story but i was we were trying to find coke and uh i went up to uh to our friend tommy my friend tommy and he's sitting there and i was like hey do you got a blow guy? And I said that to him and it was like kind of loud where we're at so he like reflects for a half second

and he's like, nah, but I fucked a tranny once. And I was like, what? And he's like, did you ask... Did I ever blow a guy? Yeah, he's like, did you ask me

if I ever blew a guy? And I was like, no, I said, do you have a blow guy? Why is that your response? On the spectrum of gay stuff That is closer to being gay Than being straight I guess

Yeah he's No he told a great story About like following this After his show in Philly Yeah yeah He like bought a prostitute Or whatever And she was like blowing him

And then I thought he just met a woman At helium No no no I think he like bought a prostitute or that's what the story is. And then he like he's like, oh, it's his story to tell. So I don't want to tell it. He's got a career now.

So, yeah, but but yeah, no, that was a funny interaction. But no, the guy at the party at the Halloween party, when he's talking about those big circular hats that the seeds wear and he's like those Ottomans. Yeah, yeah. This is a big Ottomans, The big Ikea Ottomans. And he's got, he's like, yeah, dude,

one of my friends actually, he got one of those. And I was like, what do you mean? He was like, you know, he's riding his bike and he managed to like get one.

And I was like, what do you mean? He stole it? Yeah. And he was like, yeah, he got arrested for like, you know,

grand larceny or something. Cause he got, they caught him. Cause like, you can't just be the guy wearing that. The one guy. And then a fucking odd future shirt.

Do you know Shine, the rapper that got arrested with Diddy? Yeah. He's a Hasidic Jew now and he's like wearing a, it's called a strimel. Yeah.

Oh, that's, yeah, that's what they're called. They cost $6,000? Yeah, dude, they're super expensive. It's like otter fur. That's crazy. Yeah.

I don't even know where you get otters. It's like young boys. It's actually young boys. Well, it sounds more of a bear, but... Yeah. Well, he's got like a cub fin because he's hairless. He's a cub. I'm a cub.

Thank you very much. Actually, it's more walrus because a cub... Cub. Cub is like a... Cub, fuck you. It's like a small but still hairy bear type. If you're large and hairless, it's walrus. I'm not a walrus.

Or manatee. I'm a cub. Cubs are cuter. I don't know. I would go walrus. There's no way to have this out. They need more animals. I don't have a tusk.

This is like a body acceptance thing. Yeah, you're right. People aren't just bears or cubs. Gays are the original body acceptance people. They'll fetishize anything yeah absolutely you may i've already there's that stereotype like all gay guys are in shape and it's like no just the ones you secretly jack off to the ones in your movies yeah yeah my friend there was this dude in college that was like his whole persona was he was a total alpha. He was like a Long Island, Nassau County Jewish fucking blowout.

Looked like a Jersey Shore guido. And my friend, it was always strange because he had a Leonidas from 300 poster of just this jacked ass Gerard Butler like six feet tall in his bedroom we're like why does why does Brian have that in his room and then my motivation my friend for some reason who was his roommate like took his laptop to go on Pornhub and then like saw the last ten searches it was like Guy kisses guy For first time Oh That's totally Poor fucking closet Straight guy

Fuck straight guy I do love that Two straight guys Fuck Yeah I think that's what All like motivation Shit is

Oh yeah Like whenever you go to YouTube And it's like Motivation of Phil Heath Yeah And it's just like No that's just like People are jacking off to that

Yeah Your closet kiss For sure Yeah 100% I mean like I watch I obsessively watch MMA And have for years Keith. No, that's just like people are jacking off to that. You're a closet kiss. For sure. 100%. I mean, like, I obsessively watch MMA and have for years. And, like, the big thing is, like, watch the weigh-ins where they, like, get naked and almost, like, get so close to each other they kiss each other. And you're like, oh, dude, I can't wait. You said weigh-in, and I thought you said weigh-ins, like the weigh-in brothers.

Yeah, when the weigh-ins brothers come down to the octagon. Keenan Ivory, Damien. How many are there? Some of those guys are definitely gay, by the way. Just by law of averages? Yeah, of course. Of the Wayans brothers? Damien Wayans is so homophobic.

Did you hear Norm talk shit about him? About Keenan Ivory? No. Norm was, or Jezelnik. Jezelnik was talking shit. By the way, Nick, great. Thanks, man. Thank you. Sorry, I wanted to get that one in there. I missed it Jezelnik was talking shit By the way Nick Great Thanks man Thank you Sorry I wanted to get that one in there

I missed it Sorry I was talking over it I said Gaines brothers Oh That's good They are going to be feeling that one in the morning That's a switch That's a switch

What were you saying the Norm Jezelnik was just saying that like Keenan Ivory Wayans When he was a judge on Last Comic Was the absolute biggest piece of shit of course dude that he's like

ever worked with I could see that he's like I've never hated anyone in comedy more than alright let's just talk shit about

someone's second hand so if you have a problem Keenan Ivory you can come on the pod yeah we'll squash it yeah we're big we're big squashers what happened to

Simon from American Idol? What's he doing now? He went on another one. He fucked someone's wife or something? He stole his friend's wife or something? He's one of those like... From Simon?

Yeah. That doesn't make sense. Because, you know, you just assume most British guys are gay. Yeah, of course. And then they're like actually cool, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like a cool alpha type. Well, Statham, not gay.

Well, of course. Let's be honest, guys. Of course not. I mean, that's why they brought him to America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. cool you know yeah like a cool alpha will save them not get well yeah of course not I mean that's why they brought him to America yeah yeah they should make a statement where he solves brexit with karate we're gonna bring the country back together I'm bored yeah'm bald. I don't have any hair. I've got no hair. I hate Chinese, and I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm racist. I hate Chinese, and I've got no hair. What was the genesis of that?

We were just walking around Greenpoint. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. We're out of time. We're done. We've filled our contractual obligation to the people that donated $97. Is that what we were pulling in? Yeah.

Yo, shout out to my friend Max, who's a listener, who's buying us the tracksuits. Yeah, Max, thank you for the tracksuits. We're getting come boys tracksuits. Yeah, yeah. I don't agree. Stav will suck you off. Adam will suck you off, Max. You just got the shout out, the podcast shout out.

Yeah, this is big. And then thank you, Felix, for joining us. My pleasure. Thank you very much. His presence alone on that. We got two big gets for this one, guys. That's good, yeah. A lot of people are going to listen to this, seeing the names, expecting a mashup.

Well, most people are not going to make it to the first half. Are we going to go on? Yeah, probably. Most people are going to turn this first half off. Are we going to do a Choppa mashup? We would love to have you guys on Choppa. I've been practicing my Slava Zizek impression. Will does a great impression of you.

Of me? Yeah, yeah. What does it sound like? It sounds like you. I don't know. I can't do it. It sounds like really gay and like a bitch. He's like, oh, I'm Adam.

I'm a bitch. I mean, you shouldn't say that so much. Shabbat shalom. Shabbat shalom, boys. I love you Chinese girls. Have you ever counted? Where are the shekel prostitutes? $25.

I can't pass that. Oh, boy, that's too much. I'm only capable of doing Dickfield. Me and Stav are joking. I don't want to do the sound effects or whatever, so I'm not actually of doing Dickfield. Me and Stav are joking. So I don't want to do the sound effects or whatever, so I'm not actually going to do it. But there's lightning or something and a portal opens. No, dude, save it.

We got to do this. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're doing it. All right. A little teaser, guys. Yeah. That's a little behind the scenes.

This is what happens when you go past the fucking 40-minute mark on the second half. Hell yeah. We start breaking the fourth wall. It's been a fun one. But yeah, it was a good one, guys. Thanks for listening. I don't know. We don't have anything planned.

Yeah. No, we should do that mashup, though. For sure. Yeah, we would fucking love to do that. Which we want to do. We want to use... Bobby's in Aruba, so... Yeah, Bobby Kelly might let us use his studio to do that.

I'll talk to him about it. Which is like... My father. It's sort of like a second-rate Anthony Camilla studio. It's above. Matt, if you are listening, buy a fucking plane ticket. Do not talk shit on my KMED studios. Matt doesn't live here.

No, Matt lives in Cleveland, but he came out for the live show. They can Skype him in, too. They got this Indian kid there that knows how all the computers work. Oh, and if you're in New York, we have a live show in the works for August. Oh, yeah. And I do, if you guys are cool with it, I want to plug the Choppo live show. Please, of course. On July 28th in Philadelphia at Everybody Hits.

And yes, due to the name, it is a group sex event. We are running a train, running a cell on these hell yeah bro we got we got the venue that we're doing is come on everybody for come town so is that the name of the venue it's come on everybody but it for us it's come on oh yeah yeah that's perfect i love it dude well uh we saved that one we say yeah that was great this is really fun yeah thank you pretty funny thanks everybody thanks for getting jerked off Adam guitar solo Well, what do you think? Could we get the kids to look at it? Oh, yeah. Yay!