The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 90 – Bug Audio

Episode Date: February 15, 2018

Last chance for the computer

okay we're gonna back and this is the final attempt of using the computer I should close them because the battery is probably gonna die now I take a look at it damn you have the two let me force I should do that I should plug in the power plug it in suck my dick plug it in suck my dick oh this is cool so this splitter I got mm-hmm that Apple advertises they charge $70 for this just have two ports yeah yeah because it was a good idea to only have the one USB-C port because that's the future you know it's like let's simplify things and now you need a million fucking adapters yeah so this one that's a regular USB

HDMI and then the USB-C apparently that's not USB-C get the fuck out of here it's like only a charge thing because it's not yeah it's not gonna mount that so $70 for a fucking USB splitter you should have gotten the shit off Amazon baby the non-apple official apple is such a fucking garbage company dude no but but you can't have green bubbles man we've talked about it I would love to fuck but also I feel like their computers are pretty good they last like my fucking my max this this MacBook this MacBook completely died within 10 months of having I've had my money to hold your bad enter whole logic replaced that's

all that's all your bad and all of his like risky risky pornography pornography all the all the dangerous websites I go to buy Stov's birthday presents oh no fuck I can't wait dude you guys buy me dick I literally saw it today oh no what is it man I'm so excited I didn't want it off the silk road I didn't want I didn't want to tell I didn't want to share it with someone I've been yeah keeping it secret for like a week damn it it's too funny you'll find out tomorrow night at Caroline's forget about it and then I think about it again it makes me laugh oh my god fuck dude I'm so stoked yeah we'll find out but not

you broke motherfuckers if you didn't get tickets because the shit sold out yeah very yeah thank you to everyone who fucking bought tickets we're gonna get buck wild you know I think it was Nick on Buck Angel we're gonna get bucking we're all gonna get our cocks chopped off we're gonna get pussies but we're gonna still look like men man you have me a favorite punk handlebar mustaches tribal tattoos oh yeah big hard cocks air pussies big wet pussies it's gonna be awesome man it'd be pretty cool I can't wait to have a pussy be cool to be friends with Buck Angel. Buck Angel's band is pretty good too. What kind of band? Buck

Cherry. You're crazy bitch but you look so good when you fuck my pussy. I dream I'm doing you all night but I still have pussy. Buck Cherry is the worst band. It's unbelievable. It's like a parody. The worst band of all time. Yeah yeah. I don't think there is a fucking worst band in Buck Cherry. They should get all the creed hate for 100 percent. Don't you even attempt to disagree with me Adam. Adam are you saying or I will put you right back. No I only know the crazy bitch song but it's not very good. What other songs do they have? Yeah don't don't get out of line man you're going right back to that girl voice. You're putting me right back on that. All the Kings of Leon songs for starters. Yeah they're not very good. Your sexes are fine. Those are all originally Buck Cherry songs. Really? That's so funny that they

wrote that as a lyric in a popular song. Your sex is on fire. Dude it's fucking poetry man. It's like what an 11 year old. No man that's poetic. Have you ever seen you know those shreds videos? Yes. Have you ever seen the Kings of Leon one? It's probably the best one. They're like glass and berry festival or something. What are these videos? They're like they re-edit. They re-dub someone and it looks and it sounds like shit. Yeah it sounds like shit. The Van Halen jump one is also very good. The Van Halen one is pretty good. Might as well come. Come in your pants because you have a small dick. Come. Come in your jeans you're gay and you saw man's ass hole. All right well that's great but we got a lot of stuff to cover today. We got a lot. It is Valentine's Day. It's Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. It's gallant times day. No Valentine's Day is about 20 minutes later. Ladies, how about we go Dutch? And you pay with your part with a coupon? How about we go Dutch and you whip out a 50% off coupon at Outback Steakhouse? That's a form of payment. I paid half with the coupon. Bitch, I went to community college for marketing. Don't fucking come at me with that shit. Go ahead and suck. I love destroying women with logic. Valentine's Day baby. I love destroying women with logic. Shut up dude. I have a cold right now. I know I always say. You stayed up all night gaming. You know I have a triple in gaming addiction. You made fun of me for gaming. You played one video game and now you can't get your dick. It really is. I forgot to eat. I forgot to jack off for three days. I didn't get tackies all night. I didn't get tackies. I already left over them. What is that? It's a libertarian snack. It's like Big Cheeto is ruining it. Isn't it Hispanic? Is it made by the handicaps? No, that's different. That's hot fries. I thought tackies was like fucking Hispanic shit. It's Greek dude. Although tacky is a guy's name. No, it's a Greek snack. I had an uncle tacky. That's a good name actually.

Like tacky is shit. No. Like costacky. I love to tacky to little kids on the internet. I was laughing about it like that. And if Shane Vader, if resident pedophile, is listening. Come on, don't be mean. I'm not being mean. I'm describing him. Continue, continue. She chooses to identify, which is as a trans pedophile. I don't think that's her pronoun. The pronoun is she, but you have to say she with a bunch of saliva at the front of your mouth because you're just thinking about those kids. She. My preferred pronoun is she. Anyway, what about anyways? Yeah, so the manifesto typing scene from Jerry Maguire, you stripped the VO out, put the background music back in and then interspersed the shots of like, you know, Decoy, can you bring the condoms and then back to Tom Cruise like sweating and typing. That's good. Yeah, that's good stuff. And then it just ends real quick with him like bursting into the office with the paper and everyone cheering. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. And then if you want, throw a couple of the ends with the beep in there also. Always classic. When he's talking to Cuba, good. Juniors say something ridiculous. Actually, the Hello Newman thing works with any movie where there's somebody says a word that starts then and literally any word. Yeah, and I would work a lot better. Nincum poop with the nightmare before Christmas than before Christmas. But really long. What else? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That's good.

It does sound like... That actually probably was a favorite of young racists everywhere. Yeah. Maybe like the end apostrophe, apostrophe, apostrophe or asterisk, yeah, before Christmas and then Jack Skellington goes into the Kwanzaa tree. Did they have a tree? Yeah. That's a black menorah. Well, they have a tree too. They combine Christmas and... That's sick. I want to go to like a Kwanzaa celebration. Yeah, I want to go to Australia. Do you? No, I don't. Why not, dude? Let's go. I don't know. I watched that Simpsons episode, I watched that Simpsons episode Bart vs. Australia. Yeah, that's a great episode. And you know, I've seen that fucking... Alright, mate, you win. So you've played Naughty Spoonie before. I've seen that joke hundreds of thousands of times in the last 20 years. Every fucking time. I was laughing about it for a day. So good. It's so funny. Win Homer gets the toilet to go the other way. Alright, mate, you win. So you've played Naughty Spoonie before. Bro, we should go. You know that eat kangaroo meat? I think I brought this up before, but that blew my mind. Yeah. Austerich I get, it's a big ass bird. It's a big chicken. But kangaroo is like, yeah, giant chicken. But a kangaroo is like, I don't know, kind of a dog horse. That's their national symbol, yeah. A kangaroo is like a dog and a horse put together. Right? Wouldn't you say?

But it's also like what they identify as their best animal. It's like a deer mixed with a rat. Yes, a big rat. Yeah, so why would you want to eat that shit? Yeah, it's jumpy like a deer. Yeah, it is rat. Kind of also kind of like a monkey because it's muscular. It's a monkey. It's like muscular though. Monkeys can climb good. It's more jumpy. It's like a rabbit. It's like a rabbit. Rabbit rat. Rabbit rat. It's a rabbit rat. Giant rabbit rat deer. Yes. With a pouch. Yeah. Oh, the pouch is big too. The pouch you got ears. I prefer it. There's definitely one guy that just listened to that. He's like, what the fuck was that? I would be interested to see where they evolved from. There's slime inside the pouch. That shit gets fucking wet. You could make good pussy. Let's hold down a kangaroo and fuck its pussy. No, I'm going to open the pouch and just pour gallons of LSD in there and see what happens. The kangaroo kills itself. It just jumps off a fucking big ass cliff. It becomes even cooler. It would be tight. Put on a tie-dye shirt. Yeah. Did you see that movie? It starts coming up with Ben and Jerry's flavors. Oh hell yeah dude. Shots out to Ben and Jerry. What movie? Kangaroo Jack with... I saw Kangaroo Jack me off. Did you ever see that movie? Anthony Anderson jacked me off. It was really good. In a Hawaiian shirt. Kangaroo Jack was really good? No, it's not very good, but it's good to watch when you're stood. I watched a bunch of...

What's Kangaroo Jack? Is this another one of those Jack Black movies for children? Yeah, it's him as a kangaroo. Man, this show aside, you want to talk about things that require zero talent and have way too much success. Jack Black. What a fucking career. He's been in like two good movies. What are they? Saving Silver Minutes to get a good movie. School Rock was good. No, I didn't see School of Rock. It's pretty good. The one with the record store? The English patient. He was not in the English patient. He is? He's the patient. He's the doctor. No, he's not. Yes, he is. Jack Blankman was a power uppter. The English patient? He朵ch Adams? That's, I don't know, the愀 pathogens. He doesn't? He does. What happens to the朵ch Adams? They trust the guy and he rapse pageatoms like, What? The怎麼樣, in the Medical school? It's sad as shit. Then some weird guy and his wife is like, I don't know about this guy. They're like, I don't know about this guy. He checks it all, then he kills her. I think it rapses her. Patch Adams kills and rips it. Yeah, Robert. It turns out patch Adams was Snatch Adams, he's like, all right. What are you sick for?

Don't be sick you fucking idiot. You fucking slag. What are you five? You're gonna fucking cry cuz you got cancer you little fucking faggot Well, you know from I'm from East turd show my yeah, I'm from turd Chester It's downtown London the worst fucking place in the fucking world Just cuz you go fucking Leukemia you little bitch you got act like a fucking bitch cuz you got leukemia Yeah, I'm snatched Get it. Thank you. Do my all right

Time for tea You said enough Adam do not fucking deconstruct the bit while we were I'm not while we were in griff city High-T in griff city It seems like you're so the African boy shut the fuck up. I'm sorry my Call him gay snitch You get him snitch How about yeah, how about a Hatch at what's the one with a crash crash Adam's not crash Adam. What's the Will Smith movie? Hitch Adams

Yeah, there you go. That's good. It's like a Kevin James. I'm gonna let me tell you how to fuck. How about how about Hey You listen to the Adam Freeman impression of Will Smith Be cool, baby. Yeah, yeah, y'all motherfuckers seen independence Welcome I ain't got time for no damn aliens Man you're so good. How did you get in the motherfucker boy? My impressions will come out one of these days not maybe not this episode

Yes, I was yep. Yeah, I was thinking that same thing fucking rack. I'm Good Adam Friedland, it's like I'm gay They're like what the fuck is wrong with this man giggling like an imbecile that was a child That'd be a good movie Giggling bitch Getting beaten up by kids with cancer Speaking of beating up kids, dude, I mean, I told you guys are running again

I was in flatbush yesterday and I'm buying a hat off some guy on the street very nice as I do I gotta go out conduct my business by street hats And then I fucking like right behind me I hear a thud and I turn all these black kids are yelling And there's this fucking like maybe 11 year old girl being thrown to the ground. It was a girl. Yeah And uh, it looks like a grown man's throne or there's all these kids swarming and I'm like, I don't always have This is not in my fucking business. So I you know, I keep walking and these two black guys are watching and one of them says the other one like Man, if that were me, I would have killed that kid

So I'm glad I didn't say anything. That's obviously that grown man was in the right. Yeah, of course. Yeah That kid probably, you know Spit on his shiny shoes. No, what I imagine happened from Looking at it and said like that guy was walking his daughter home and then some other girl Who's like a bully probably did something to his daughter and then he beat the girl He threw her to the ground, which is like don't do that But you know, she like yeah, it looked like he was trying to break up a fight or whatever. Okay. All right I thought he was just wailing on his I thought he was just beating a child. I don't know

I mean, I'm trying to deduce based on like no one Intervening or whatever. Yeah, so I guess the girl deserved it or it could just be, you know, good old fashion You know what maybe think twice before you get into that me too stuff, you know Yeah, we don't know what these ladies that's the clear lesson from that. Maybe they're maybe they're the bullies Yeah, you know, that's really sad though to see just in the middle of the day. Yeah, you saw something pretty hilarious I saw yeah, I saw a mom It was like late at night on the train about that chatoms and it's margaret thatcher. Yeah, that's good. I'm the dumb bitch I mean, it's the same character. I'm going to bomb the falkland island. I'm from turdshaw, mate

turdshaw The toughest sniper wooden downtown london in london town Ah, fuck. I would love to I want to go over to england and marry me like a fucking Very ethnic Yeah, ethnic british person. Oh like like an indian Like a switch up like ribby and british. Yes. Give me one of those when we met. It was a model. I'm a model I'm a model. Yeah, when nick and I were like at a mic once this girl was like, we're she's like, what do you do?

We're like, oh, we're both unemployed. She's like, you should just say modeling. That's what I do I'm a model. I'm a model. I live in breason and I'm a model. I'm about to I want a little brexton model How about your boy if you're a model from brexton and you want to get Yeah, dude ship in america. I used to have a really big crush on uh, m.i.a. I used to think it was really hot, of course That's a pretty standard. That's a pretty standard little hips. You know what m.i.s stands for is uh, Missing and uh, yeah, it's maybe indian. I don't know I don't know

You know, why they call it's like a larry the cable guy. That's not bad That's not bad. Mail that to him. Y'all listen to the m.i.a. girl. What's her name stand for maybe indian. I don't know Get her done Um, you tell him larry He tells you like it is. How about that folks snatch adam I'm a boy talking about where's where's the lorry? mm-hmm throw another shrimp on a truck

Dan whitney, what's a lorry? Uh cab. It's a truck or a truck. Yeah. Yeah a cab Fucking in. What are the cabs called there called cabs round it round to do we Yeah That's really good just going there and just calling the wrong things fags Hey, what are you fags up to? No, I thought it's in english Everything's a fag I thought that's what you you're like who's that fag like the queen Yeah, that's what you call her a fag

I know she's called the queen. It's a title of respect. I thought it was she was called a fag That's awesome dude. We should go to England just for that bit. Yeah, this is one of those $5,000. I'd like some fags and fags. This is one of those episodes that's sort of just for us. Yeah, but yeah Yeah, I'm having fun though. This is like when we did that greatest riff of all time. Oh, yeah Yeah, no one thought was that good. That was that's the funniest thing We were at target for like two hours afterwards me and nick just laughing about that. Yeah, I just Forget it. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the president has authorized the use of the gayest bomb of all time I'm sorry, excuse me. It's the mother of all bombs

I'm sorry. I would like to issue a correction earlier. I miss I misstated in between denying the holocaust I miss that dude spicy spicy young spice. He was great Yeah, now we got fucking That fucking bitch. Yeah, Mike Huckabee's son Sarah Huckabee's. Yeah Mike. Yeah, it's Mike Huckabee's son That That fag in the british sense. This is british. No, you said it the slur way. No, I said it the british way Using slurs

On the show. Look who's using slurs. That's a book. I'm gonna write for my son when he's born. Yes. Look who's using slurs It's just drawings. I've done of elmo and grover saying All the different racial all the good ones Yeah, there's at the book called there's a racial slur at the end of this book and grover's like Wait if I know what the racial slur is And then he gets to the end and it's cookie monster calling him the n-word. It's like it's you grover You were the slur this whole time That's deep bro. Yeah, because by wanting to hear slurs you become the n-word. Yeah

So I'm gonna get into children's books. There's like naughty children's books. They sell at urban outfitters. Yeah, the fuck to sleep That's the big one. Yeah, that was the first one. I believe. Yeah narrated by samuel l jackson I had I'm never gonna do it, but I wrote I wrote it and then I was gonna get an illustrator to do The little engine that had rich parents. Oh, yeah, I remember that You could probably do it. Yeah, that's a lot of fucking work. Whatever dude. You know that's like that's like 12 drawings That's not that work. That's that's not that's at least a fucking week of Of solid work. Yeah, dude. I'm sell it. No, man. I'm like I gotta do like maybe two hours of work I'll play a little bit disc golf, you know

Have a That's the shit you're into now. Yeah, that means going to the bathroom, right? Yeah, what if you drink a bunch of milk and have a big ol schvitz as you go in the schvitz and then you just You're right. It's better in here You take a big dog What have you done like you called it that motherfucker? Yeah, I'm taking a nice bunch. I thought that's what you were supposed to do The air would just be fucking heavy with particles

Like Why would they make the names so close to just take it? Yeah, just taking a shit on the coals Steaming hot coals hot in here I'm gonna get a little more shit steam Just get it the coals. I'm just trying to make it steam a little bit more. Oh, I'm taking that I'm taking a nice steam. I'm taking a nice steaming shooting onto coals Yeah, fuck. Yeah, now it might go for a little hot air balloon ride. Yeah Take a shit in that thing. Take a shit in the little heat

The part that makes you go up. This episode's for us If I could rent a hot air balloon, you should the basket come back. It's great. Thanks You guys are like, what the hell? Oh, yeah, this is a terrible It's Sounds great to me. Shitting that high up overlooking like oh one of you Yeah, one of you. You got to take it all in. Yeah It'd be great too to just you jack off off a hot air balloon And some guys walking to work. He's like, oh great a bird shit on me bird shit into my mouth

That's somebody's like, you know, that's good luck That's like a joke from airplane or something like that level of comedy. Yeah, you mean high higher level I love airplane. Don't you ever try to disrespect? It's a great movie I especially like to see where everyone's lining up to beat that woman Get a hold of yourself I used to love that that was like one of the movies I kids watch as a very young child that just had Complete tits in it. Absolutely. Yeah, and it was like why am I allowed to because it's like stupid, right? Yeah, porkies was too. No, porkies was straight up about like, yeah

Keeping on women's locker. Yeah. I saw that when I was like six and everyone got they got a whore and they all fucked They're right something like that. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't ever seen porkies, but Um, yeah, major plot points. Yeah, it had a whole like staring at women in the shower thing and you like to do that You pervert. I'm I'm actually me doing porkies the movie right now. Why? Because it's it's disrespectful takes place in the 50s. Yeah, porkies is what it's a bar, right? It's like they're hanging out. Yeah. Oh nice or like it's like the max or something. I remember the box for porkies in blockbuster as a kid I remember thinking like man, if I could be that guy, right that guy's so cool through that hole Oh, fuck dude, I could be a horny voyeur

I Don't want I don't get when people like watching other people fuck Really? I want to get in the mix, man. I don't want to watch some other guy. Oh, you're saying like like in a cuckolding scene Like you don't want to be the sweater and dockers guys. Well, yeah that for sure But also just like I don't understand voyeurism. I guess I want to because it's not Um, be in the mix probably some shit from childhood, right? You saw your parents fucking or something. Yeah, fucked you up Maybe you wanted to join. You know, what's uh about voyeurism? Yeah, of course. Well, my parents let me when it stops parents just have sex and his mom would

Take stops round body and wedge him under her hips to mop them up higher. Oh, yeah Dad could get what's that thing? They get to the real deep spots. They advertise the bowling ball stops the liberator shoved under his mom's ass They're like, wait, I didn't want a snack I want to have a snack like shut up. We're pounding Mommy and daddy you're pounding right now getting their pound off. My parents fucking suck mom's getting railed out Um, yeah, that was that thing that they advertised to the back of porno mags the liberator Which is like that

Triangular foam thing that a woman puts her ass up on so yeah, you can hit all the back walls No, but if you put a pillow under a girl like while you're having a triangular one seems like it would it seems like it would be Really nice. You know what? I'm gonna write a letter to the casper mattress company and say they make one rig me up one Have you ever used what's the weirdest like sexual? accoutrement you've gotten in the mix. I put a gun in the girl's ass Is that real? Yeah I mean Right in there

Bumps, I would not be surprised if you literally put a gun in a woman's ass. Just drunk as shit No, I've never done that. That's so scary. Is it remember the sopranos she would janet Would you be fucking Ralph? Oh, what's the question? Weird is sex accoutrement like a toy or like a piss count? I guess I mean, I've done a lot of piss stuff in my life really a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah just drunk Um, no, and you know, it's not even really something that I mean you want it Yeah, you just keep drawing women that want to be pissed on what? No, there's times where I make a track But which you know, it's funny because like and I think I've said it before the nicest part about it

Is like it's just really nice to be able to go to the bathroom You're sure It's just really nice Yeah, it's like being an astronaut. I've been focused on the mission. I don't have to worry about going to the bathroom Yeah, there's one I've never pissed on anyone but I'd be open to it Um, I have How did you feel about it? I remember you were also tying bitches up. You had it's funny because I had that one girl You're probably the horniest on the show

But me and Adam have had a lot more sex than you and we've done a lot. We've done a lot more. No, I fuck a lot You know, it's a character that I do the guy who doesn't fuck No, you're like that. You're like the guy that didn't start smoking weed until he was 22 and he's like fucking pink floyd You guys try have you ever heard of the doors? Someone told me that what is it? Someone told me Doug Benson didn't try weed until he was like 39 years old I believe well Doug Benson's old as shit, dude. He's like a lot of people don't know. He's like in his like mid 70s Yeah, he's really old. I'm eskimoed brothers with him. Apparently that video she both pissed each other's mouths

No, but uh, but one of the women you pissed. Yes Of course The woman that fucks Doug Benson gets piss in her mouth Yeah, we're getting stoned um Yeah, what was what were we saying before that? Oh the sex thing. Oh, yeah. Hmm. You're using ropes and shit Oh, yeah, that one girl wanted me to do all that like Abu grade stuff the paracord girl

Yeah, you basically can't fuck unless you're a boy scout Once you got your fucking I needed to know like all the nautical nautical That was the same girl double bow line That was the same girl who was like, yeah, my ex-boyfriend was a real sex nerd And I was like, I'd need to that's awful. I need to leave right now a sex nerd Yeah, because he like he had a lot of he had like a library of sex books Like about like fucking about how to fuck or something. I'm just trying to get this not arena off. That's fucking stupid It's quite literally the gayest thing

I'm like, I don't even get my dick hard anymore. Yep. I'm done post. I'm post hard. I just What's directions? I just you know what because honestly that makes it harder to piss. Yeah That's fucking true. What you want to create this tiny little bit of cum or Just six hours of pounding Dunkin Donuts coffee worth of urine I'll talk about quantity not four liters of urine I'm sorry. Dark yellow brown. Syrupy. Syrupy New cheers to smell like piss for three weeks after this coffee He's like, my mattress is destroyed. You're like, you're welcome

Yo, Elvis told me this one story this girl I'm like, you shit the bed and while they were all his dick was inside of her And my man stuck around He had a nice shower. She changed the sheets Did he finish? Did he finish? She got shit on his balls. I don't I didn't think he missed him I don't know man. She was on the bottom. She poofed. I don't know the exact It listed. He probably got shit on his balls that he didn't tell me because he didn't tell me until months after

He's probably not going to be thrilled that I told this story So when you were she pooped the bed My man just hit the fucking shower Good for him. Stayed in the mix. What a legend. Elvis I wouldn't out the shit stuff seems wild the people that shit on each other sexually I'm not into that at all. Uh scat play. Yeah, that's weird. There was this girl I I hooked up with when I was like 15 or 16 And uh, I don't even really know her that well. She just like lived in my neighborhood

Yeah, and like that used to be enough. It was like, oh, we live in the same neighborhood Right, right, right, right. She'd like just have sex where your dad's gone And uh, she was like filipina and she's fucking uh Yeah, we were like, hold on. I mean she's like talking about it. She's like, yeah, my friend went to the Philippines and like She hooked up with this guy and he like asked her to like shit on his chest But he said it in like whatever, you know, tag along. Yeah. Yeah, whatever their language is And she's like and it sounded like really hot but like in that language And it's like, you know, when she told me that because I wouldn't be into that but like the way she

Talking about it and I don't know. Are you like 13? No, it was like 15 or 16 And I didn't put it together till later that she was implying that she wanted to get yeah She wanted to shit it on did she want to get shit on did she want to shit on you First of all, neither that's happening Would you would you squat and shit on someone? No, I'm not no That seems horrible. First of all, I'd have to be checking my phone. I don't like it. I don't like doing any ass eating stuff I don't I mean, I'll do it if someone's into it, but I'm like, I don't like the ass mix I don't like getting my ass eat. I've had an ass

Uh revival recently. Yeah in the last You've been having gay sex. Yeah, I've been getting my ass fucked by uh strangers revival No, I was like I was kind of put off by The concept of anal sex until like the last couple of years. Oh, I'm in the ass mix big time We got to take a break real quick. Do we got to do the god damn it dude the fucking Apple mail app just got you fucked up every okay. Here we go taking a break Um, and you know what? We're just gonna we're gonna just roll right into it guys. Oh, dude

I'm shut the fuck up dude. Come on. God damn it, dude If you don't want to listen to adam I'll say it. I'll tell you what if you're if you're enjoying all this sex talk Maybe take your pants off. Hmm throw out whatever underwear you're doing the damn garbage pick up a pair of mac welden underwear From mac welden.com. Mac welden is the best underwear in the entire world. Oh, yeah They believe in smart design premium fabrics and simple shopping you can go online to their online store Which uh, we don't even have you know, that's how hard it is to set up is that I haven't paid a guy to do it yet Yes, so mac welden has it's a very easy website to navigate and they got great products

Uh, they got the most comfortable underwear socks shirts undershirts undershirts hoodies and sweatpants that you'll ever wear and they got a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally Anti-microbial which means they eliminate odor. I personally don't smell so, you know, I mean I imagine imagine smelling like me all the time Just a very clean individual No, they want you to be comfortable So if you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can go ahead and keep them and they'll still refund you your money No questions. That's that's a pretty great policy. A lot of places you just try the underwear on and they call the police on That's right. That's me at models

That happens. Yeah, I'm standing there in the middle of the Nike rack Squaring up with the mannequin because I was the compression. Yeah, yeah full erection And they called the police on me. Can't believe that uh, and not only do mac welden's underwear look good socks shirts They perform well too. Um, they're great for working out. You can wear them to the gym. You can go out on dates with them You look good both flaccid and direct and hard in the under and trust me. I've tried this out I brought a pair of mac welden underwear to that same models To see if I would get arrested wearing them. The answer is yes, so I can't promise that you won't be Arrested multiple times for getting a full erection wear underwear in the middle of the motels models in downtown brooklyn

But uh, you can go to mac welden.com and get 20% off using promo code come town CUM twn all capital letters. Check them out Uh, mac welden.com and we're back. We're back, baby. That is a really sad models by the way downtown brooklyn models Yeah, two story models. They never have. Oh, is it two stories? There's a second story. Oh, you're talking about the one at the near Fulton mall. I'm talking about the atlantic barclays. Oh, okay. Yeah, which is also shitty It's big as fuck, but they never have any of the stuff I like right I went there to get some gloves and they didn't have it. Yeah Yeah, that that that atlantic barclays whole shopping centers

The other thing I hate about models is you only they only have like nine excel sizes because uh, everybody Yeah, they never restocked the the normal people sizes, right? And it's like it's fucking athletic wear, right? Why do you have fat people sizes? Uh fat people are athletes too. No Some fat people are natural athletes being wedged under your mother's ass so she can get she can get pounded out incredibly strong Yes, I had the core strength to support my full grown mother That's a baby athlete my more like apple core strength. Oh Apple shit. Yeah, you're wrecked. Yeah. No, I'm blowing the fuck out You're a fucking idiot

Guys, we should we should go do paintball while it's so cold. I do that. Oh, yeah You get some cigars and go to paintball. I'm gonna be I'm all sober. I had a wild birthday drug Oh, yeah, tell us about it. Stop. Tell us about your your fun guys aren't drugs. I'm not smoking shit I'm just I'm my body's a temple except come on dude. You have cancer. Not yet. Hopefully not We'll see. I have he said it's some kind of growth. I have to get a fucking biopsy You don't have cancer if it was a cancer would have tore through my mouth He said but I do have a growth that's moved my teeth. That's something's gonna have to come out I'm gonna have to have cancer. It's gonna suck. No, you don't have

That surgery that other gum thing that's happening is you have some sort of like Gum disease where it's like awesome. It's not it's the bone. No, no Well, yeah, it's a growth in the bone. It's I know, but it's your gums It's because you're so thank you doctor Nick, dude. He's a baby like Why don't you let me fucking explain my goddamn through it continues. Call me a baby guessing is the uh, uh, I didn't guess it all scientific knowledge. Yeah, that's true. There's a guy like me was like, you know What it probably is is you put a tie a key to a kite. Mm-hmm. That's how we prove that the jews are trying to control the government But that's right symbols

Symbols that they love so yes, and was he wrong? No, he wasn't wrong And now he's on the hundred dollar bill the highest on And who you talking about that really hurts the jews pyramid guy that he gets to be on it Yeah, it's their favorite thing is a hundred dollar bill the eye pyramid guy. Yeah, no benjamin franklin. Oh Itanya That movie wasn't very good. Yes. It was. No, it wasn't. Yeah, you're a fucking idiot. It was it was bad about it It was like fake good fellas Shut up. I thought that alice and janey and I thought what's her name? We're both really good. Okay

Um, so two of the biggest characters were really good. Yeah, but it was a bad move. Yeah, I didn't like the way they made it I got a good. It was a good bit out of it. Go ahead. What is it? No, I did it to stand the other Well, you know the whole movie the premise is it's like uh, it's like oh This is poor white trash girl competing in a rich girl sport and it's this underdog story and it's like Yeah, sure that makes sense in the context of like only the american athletes participating in Figure skating right and it's like not for all the rest of figure skating at large in the world It's poor people. Well, I mean it's global poor. I mean, uh, uh, uh, like the uh

I watched figure skating this year and I got I got a glimpse at this big gay chinese man, right? No one knows how old he is Do you feel like I'm sorry, but fucking tanya harding has a birthday Right, right. No one knows how this guy doesn't know how old he is. He's just somewhere in his 30s He's no record around his cock. I guess Uh, but anyways, it's like You know, you think her mom fucking hates her imagine you've aborted nine of your daughters You finally have a son and he's like won't I go on to be ice dance

Uh, I won't do be iced at the amount of Not cigarettes, but full opium pipes put out on that kid's fucking head Because he brought shame to his family with his ice dancing Anyways, I did that at the stand so guess who now has four jokes where I do a chinese voice Congrats, man. I called out my china chunk Uh, my china chunk is the erection I get when I watch yeah one night one night china Joanie luller you're you're you're a non-functioning chode is a china chunk How dare you my dick's been working like a charm recently. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh

Yeah, man It's uh, it's you know, it's just been oh, I've been meditating you have and I know Wait, so it stops tell tell everyone what you did for your birthday Well, hold on. It's like, you know like meditation is kind of bullshit. It's like all this stuff That's I don't think it is shut the fuck up and let me finish what I'm saying For points you just can see you Just for once just finish your thing just for one. I didn't interrupt you for once in your life For once in my life. Do your meditation

Chunk guess that all right So meditation is something that you know like white people here do but in china Yeah, you know, there's a guy sitting there like I have to meditate Five that's five bits. I have now Whoo, let's throw another one on the china chuck Nice and fucking plump Um, no, but I mean, you know just it like People like it's like zen in particular or whatever. It's like this is a

religion or a Philosophy for people to sit and do rice farming all day long, right? And you have to find a way to not kill yourself Have done the repetitive your life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not for like somebody that makes 80 thousand dollars a year And they're like my hair is going gray Right, how can I feel how can I become more of a narcissist side of being on trying to transcendental meditation? Yeah, it's like you're a fucking billionaire dude. He's a billionaire and he's a bad person Yeah, it seems like yeah, he is a bad person

But uh, I don't know the guy personally, you know, although didn't he he would he like date like a child at some point? Yeah, he dated a child. Yeah, 17 year old pull the dane cook You know He's like that, uh, you know, I confuse his uh I always confuse Larry Nasser and Aziz Ansari the doctor. Yeah, I always mix those two guys up I love them. They're both funny people. Yeah, they're both rapists Mm-hmm. Uh, I mean regardless of the details. Mm-hmm. There's no reason to go into the details. Right. They're both equally bad Their dicks are both tiny. They're both sex criminals sex criminals and there's no it's disrespectful to the victims

Uh-huh to To draw any differentiate differentiate between the two. Yeah, there's no reason to do that. That's true And that's the thing we need to understand with sexual assault is that Larry Nasser and Aziz Ansari are the same Uh-huh in the same way that they're both some kind of Indian, you know, I don't need kind of some some type of yeah Maybe I don't need to know the details because it would be racist to know the detail Yeah, yeah, and then so there's no reason for me to figure out what they did I agree with you. That's a good. They're also both guys. I didn't think we're very funny until about two weeks ago You think Larry Nasser is really funny now

Yeah, it's hilarious the plain bit. Yeah more like hilarious Nasser, you know hilarious Nasser wait, what were you saying stuff Larry the Larry the cable Larry Nasser the cable guy Wait, what are done? Dane cook is fucking a child too. Yeah 19 year old right now looks like fucking Harvey Weinstein Yeah, he literally looks exactly like Harvey Weinstein. No joke. Yeah. He's got the a fucked up lumpy ass weird body Yeah, speaking of and you uh Uh No, not speaking of anything

And uh, it's funny because in his instagram pictures. He used all that like Chinese like face smoothing software Yeah, the shit Chinese people used to like make them. Oh, he really does look like shit. He looks like Harvey Weinstein Dude, he's like fattest shit and stuff and I'm on a mexican. Whoa radio Oh, yeah, what's wrong with his fucking skin? I mean, yeah, it's all like photo like bad photoshop. Yeah, it's like Korean girl selfie. Yeah, that's what I said filters Chinese ass Um, anyway, I did a bunch of fucking drugs. I took a bunch of edibles. I took uh acid and then did mushrooms Oh my birthday. I've run out of drugs. Yeah, I think I might get into cutting

Like a depressed teenage girl dude. I followed this girl on instagram. Nobody follows her. It's like a it's a hidden jam I found some like depressed teenager, but she had like the funniest fucking post yesterday It was uh, here. Let me see. I hope I die soon. I think it's A good account I Die soon. Let me pull this over. Is that the name her handle? Yeah, we started late. So I'm probably gonna order a burrito on the phone during the show hit them up lucha lucha They don't sponsor the show. We're just big fans

That's right Actually, I got hooked up there once. Yeah, here it is. There's your post. It's just a picture of a text and it says wake the fuck up Punctuated by periods So it's a depression is not special anxiety is not cute self-homers scars are not beautiful suicide is not poetic Eating disorders are not glamorous. You don't fucking want them, you know, and their caption is at my school I know people say suicide jokes and do drugs for fun. I know a few pretty girls Attention, I know I smoke because I need to relax. I drink because I don't want to feel anything I cut because I can't get everything going on in my mind

I cry because everyone has something to hate about me I sit alone because I know secretly everyone hates me I put pills in my mouth waiting to die because I know everyone would be happier with me gone Let's face it. It's the truth Oh 10 likes That's tough, dude. Yeah, really. I'm guessing she didn't have a chill childhood I mean What's gonna happen is this girl is gonna fucking in six years be like 22 and just work as a temp and be like

I'm really into micro brews This is just like well, I don't know. No, this is typical dumb teenage bullshit. Sometimes nothing particularly interesting. Yeah I know that but also sometimes every single fucking teenager feels this way and if they don't then they're like Then those are the people that should kill themselves. Right. They gotta pass Well, sometimes those people though that cut and shit and they've got like got like ultra molester or some shit Yeah, I think cutting is like it's way more girls than you Ultra molested the the biggest molestation possible Ultra multiplier molestation multiplier

I'm gonna call this burrito in right now um Yeah, that's I mean I I feel like I should just throw that girl like or something. Right? Is that what you're saying? We're gonna start messaging her Shut up fucking it's so hard being you creep You're a fucking creep dude. No, I'm not not me. I just follow these teens and laugh at them. Yeah. Yeah, you're the You're the you're the normal one. Yeah

You're the cool guy this fucking asshole. Here's your poem posted. Oh, they don't fucking pick up their phone sometimes brutal Yeah, I get really mad at the breakfast burrito, dude You're calling you can do it on seamless. You're calling a burrito place. Mm-hmm because you don't want to wait He has to go to know he has to go to work after wait. Just uh seamless And is there an option for pickup on seamless? Maybe I'm just gonna call back I'm gonna stay on this fucking line forever. Um, sorry the double call back. I want to speak to your manager, please This is bad listening. No, it's not. It's good. I've been on the phone for 20 minutes waiting the place is burrito order bro. I have a job to go to

Yeah, dude, uh, what's his name matt christman's friend used to work there and he he hooked me up with free burritos A couple did you kiss his mouth and his penis? No, but he had a cool Milwaukee Felix. Yeah, he's only three friends No, his friend from his friend from wisconsin texas amber texas aka Virgil texas is alexis texas Is virgil texas's mom? Yeah, I'm gonna start that rumor

What the fuck My call cannot be completed The world is really trying to stop me from getting the damn burrito. Damn number Dude, I can't believe it must be so embarrassing for virgil to watch his mom get railed out like that. What happened to alexis texas? Uh, she's a senator. I think yeah, yeah from texas It's her and john cornan. I don't know what happens to all them. Don't they just become like Just become horrors or no, they like become moms They become like

Become They become like high-end escorts and they become strippers. No, well jennon jamison's just like uh likes israel a lot Yeah, yeah, they become like She looks like shit. Yeah real estate agents life, dude I mean fucking look at look at cal pen. He was kumar from herald and kumar and then now he's a porn star They became obama's friend. Yeah, and now he's back to being kumar. Oh, is he are they rebooting it? No, I don't know but he worked in I I don't I can't imagine he has the same. What was he in charge of like communications

Yeah, like maybe it was like millennial outreach recently. Yeah, yeah You got chorizo breakfast. No, just that. Okay. Well either Do the podcast or have your phone called Don't don't speak the phone call into the No, no, no, no, this is good. This is making a real three-dimensional. My name's stavros and she's like f a t s I guess That's weird actually if you rearrange the letters in stavros halkeas you get very fat. So I don't think That's true. There's no f in my name.

But yeah, stavros Stavros. No, I'm including this the the written out sound effects of you breathing while saying that name No, I breathe beautifully dude. Yeah, I've been breathing really bad on this episode. I think I have a cold Yeah, you don't have a cold Don't lie. Don't lie to the the fans of the show Well, they can find out if I do have a cold tomorrow night at carolines unproper Which we sold out by the way. Yeah, there will be Andre steakhouse shirts available. Mm-hmm. Yep yours. They look good. Stavros golden angel shirts as well. They fit good

I don't have any shirts. We've got a nice little athletic cut to them. That's nice. I tried one on guess what? You will be if you get in a medium You're gonna maybe one of you will get to wear the shirt. I fucking wore you're gonna sell it Oh, you're not even holding on to it. Wow. That's nick dude. He has noticed. He's not a sentimental type Not a sentimental type. I'm also maximizing profits. I'm also paying it forward to the audience by not Not keeping a single shirt. Wow. Yeah fucking mitts. There you go, baby. He loves the fans, man. Yeah, I've I Saw my friend for the first time in a while eric Uh last week and he was just going on to me about uh, he's like dude. He's like fucking

He's like capitalism is religion You're a fucking batch dude with your dsa batch and then he's like I voted for fucking gary johnson Rex tillers is the smartest guy in the fucking administration. Oh, yeah, dude. It was so fun sex rex sex rex Dude, I I totally forgot how much I missed eric until last week like getting into it But like a freshman dormitory argument with him like in a bar. He's a libertarian. Yeah, he's like a proud libertarian It's hilarious. He's like, yeah, dude. I wanted gary johnson get five percent new york's day. That's my goal That's his goal. Yeah Gary johnson, I love that gary johnson stopped smoking weed. You saw that clip that someone dropped last week of the

driver's licenses From the libertarian debate like for president. Mm-hmm. It's pretty funny. It was like, uh, They're like, should there be driver's licenses and everyone's like hell no Then gary johnson's like, I'd like to see some qualifications that the entire like auditorium just starts booming God damn, dude libertarians are so fucking stupid I bet they they also like probably don't want like an age of consent or like Oh, no way or like paved roads that are free to use only if it's only if it's maximizing profits The market, dude. Yeah, the market. I love the sweet beautiful market

They think that like every he was telling me like every publicly funded project is like Uh, like just bridges to like a place where there's like three people and it costs like five billion dollars. That's true. Yeah When he's right, he's right Oh, man, what are you gonna do for Valentine's Day, Adam? Um, well, is it actually Wednesday? Yeah, it's schmutz Wednesday. How about snatch Wednesday? Well, you got all that black on your face you fucking slag Just because you have cancer you're gonna do blackface you fucking you fucking whore What are you four years old you think because you four you have cancer you can do blackface

It's nothing more hospital. You get the fuck out of my hospital This is an hospital for models only Why don't you guys just be a model like mine? Yeah, fuck that you got a smasher Yeah, dude. She was all right. She's dude. Do Eiffel tower. Yeah. Yeah, she got full monty Can you imagine how fucking gay it is for two guys to be double teaming a girl and then just be like this is our chance The Eiffel tower like we can we can finally fucking do it. Yeah, man Sounds awesome

Yeah, you high five with your buddy then the girl high five. It's like holding hands girl leaves. You guys kind of rub cocks You know ones who knows where each other's cocks end up Yeah, you know, it's like that's a real tribute to France and the guys who built the Eiffel tower. That's true. Man That's that's the real Eiffel tower Yeah, you go up to the top of it If you actually a lot of people don't know this but if you go to the top of the Eiffel tower and you sit on it You can fit the entire thing in your ass. You can become president Yep, that's how macrone got elected. That's

The throne that's why that other lady who's a fascist her pussy wasn't big enough Oh, yeah, Marie Le Pen Marie Le Pen She tried but she could Marie Marine Le Pen. I love knowing things about French politics. Me too. There's that there was another the third guy Yeah, she was her name is marine Charlotte ruse From monsieur obon pan The prime minister So they raise the vita france and Pierre obon pan

Johnny Depp's character in chocolate. That's all rise for the national anthem And And then also the phrase only do fromage from dexter's lab That one episode. What was that? No, remember that episode? No Well, jacks are keeps saying it was from my mom pinot dance to bush Put put my penis in your mouth. Yep. Oh, is that what bush means? Yeah, this is mouth, right? Yeah This whole time They're forced they're forced to boost

The the power of buster The life of busting You never saw that movie by uh, that was my favorite movie by Godard. Mm-hmm Very gay talk about gay talk. Thank you. Nice. Got hard. Got hard All right. Well, how about luke beats Offson That's who luke best bits on bits on beats on beats off beats off beats on beats off But yeah, man. Yeah, I love the coming up of riffs

Having jokes and stuff coming out live show definitely isn't gonna be an hour this kind of yeah. Yeah, that's yeah It was kind of do one right before the live show, but whatever we have 24 hours to recharge Oh, yeah, I got I I didn't sleep last night Yeah, I think we can all agree that it's up to me to figure out the riffs on the show I got all right. Uh, you know items the gay one. Yeah, I'm I'm sort of the sheriff You're not the sheriff. I'm the fucking sheriff. I don't you ever say I'm not the sheriff. You're a damsel A damsel. Yeah, you know what I am I'm the

Got it What are you? I was actually gonna say the town gay guy So you guys got it right Sheriff somebody tied the town gay guy up on the railroad tracks. Good And see put sheriff if he dies, who are we gonna call the slurs Darn tootin, you're right Fellas, I'm getting a posse together to help that pussy The pussy who's the sheriff of the pussy posse the deputize the rest of them. Um, Leo just rode a horse to

I think they totally Mcguire's house. No. Yeah. David Blaine had the war the war the tin dude the shield I'm gonna take a piss. I think you know then maybe leave No, are we done? We're not done. We're still be stuck. How much more time do we have so you can't piss I'm pissing right now. All right. Well, well, that's fine, dude Let's yeah, let's talk more about what if the pussy posse were a real old west A posse, right? You know, I'm getting tired of this. I have to go to work now in a sense Of stops. Yeah, we should get him fired from his job. We should get him fired from his job We should do something despicable on this podcast so that someone associates him with this podcast

So he they're like you have to fire him because he's associated with here You can talk about this while he's not here because he doesn't know anything about it corruption charges suggested for Netanyahu He's oh, yeah Well, you know what it was, dude fraud. Nope. It was my interview on israeli news Yeah, actually this is what right before you did the mac welden read the guy the producer from the israeli news show Who I guess booked patty to talk about Frasier just text me and said that he'd like to have stop on stops getting called up to the big leagues, dude What does he have? Why does no one talk about body positivity? No one ever has no one asked me to do anything anymore

Well, my my man philip, dude. He'll ask you fuck philip and fuck that show. I'm not doing it. You'll probably see him Nobody fucking asked me. I'm gonna fucking ask to do a goddamn thing and I'm tired of it I'm tired of not getting what are you talking about? You did as sheriff for this fucking podcast. I'm tired of not getting any respect Greg gut-filled and The red eye. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, dude a couple of hot appearances on yeah, it's some fox news You had some uh, is uh, is is what's her name still on fox? Cat is she still doing that stuff? Cat who from dc cat temp? Yeah, I think so. She's still a pundit. I believe so

Well, that's wild Uh Oh, yeah, so anyway the guy that had me on israel i-24 news wants to have you want to talk about body positivity And he was wondering if you got his email. I did not but uh, I guess I'll read it. Yeah, well, you know My appearance resulted in uh net and yahoo getting. Oh, this is funny. Um, they found that his son real quick This won't be good. Yeah, that's not gonna be funny. Well, it's kind of we can talk about it on our podcast It's kind of related tonally, but they found his son Net and yahoo's son like is a pepe and he was like sharing

Like it's kind of funny pepe memes on his facebook page No, yeah Yeah, he was like sharing memes of like uh, george soros looking like a lizard person like Holding like strings with the globe on it. Yeah, and like yeah and like just like anti-semitic like really? Yeah, and then david duke was like this guy rocks. He's like he's cool david duke Um when he cosigned shit and then it actually his son net and yahoo's son This is the worst guy to be into is jordan peterson. Who is that guy? He's like a canadian professor But his whole thing is like logic is the it's like there's no such thing as being triumphs

Apparently like the first chapter of his book is about sitting up straight Oh, yes, it's about sagging not having bad thoughts in your pants. Yeah your palms your ponds Not sogging your ponds. All right. Well, I gotta go so many guys have swore you posture You gotta go get an hour. What time what time do you have to be at work? I was supposed to be at work at one and i'm not going to be at work at one No, you got plenty of time. No, there's no chance 25 minutes to get to stied at maderson square garden I could do that. You can take it. Take your car. I guess I took a car here. Luckily. I uh, they didn't send out a call sheet So i'm just going to use that as an excuse, but I know what time i'm supposed to be there. All right. Well

I guess that's and I still have to get my burrito. Uh, and as the sheriff for this town Good luck and good night