The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 92 – Ruthless and Toothless

Episode Date: March 1, 2018

Stav got his tooth removed lol. Adam is still gone. Soon this podcast is just going to be Norman Wilkerson sending you all links to Reason and telling you about his sons.

You're pretty good. Push the game. Push the game. Push the game. Push the game. Hell yeah. Listen, in the come town, the world's only podcast. That's right, bitch.

The greatest podcast in the world. In the fucking world. Suck our nuts. And I'm saying that, not as a joke, but seriously. Me too. That's right. People think a lot of the hubris related to this show is ironic. No.

I tell you, that's the only thing that's not ironic about this show. It's true. My love of gaming, and then the racism is about half and half. Yeah, 50-50, depending. On the kind of experiences we've had with minorities in the last 24 hours. That's right. In fact, I only have pleasant experiences with minorities in real life. Yeah.

Only? Only, yeah. Really? There's never one? You know what I'm saying? It's weird. You know, it's because it's like, I don't think I'm racist, but it's also like, I haven't been put in many situations where I could have become racist.

Explain. You know? I mean, like I had that Korean guy fuck me over on my rent at one time. But it's also every Chinese person I've dealt with in a landlord situation, they've been great. Interesting. They've been almost perfect. Interesting.

Really? I guess, yeah, maybe Koreans can go fuck off a little bit, but not Chinese, and they're the same race. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. So that's what kind of protects me from racism is the Chinese being better than Koreans. They're not having an understanding of Asian peoples. Yeah. Well, you know, the Chinese and the Koreans are same.

It's not like calling the Japanese and Chinese the same. Japan has beef with the rest of the Chinese countries. Right, right, right. But China... Would you say Koreans look a little more Japanese? No. In fact, they'd be pretty fucking mad at you. I don't know.

I don't know, man. Would they? Yeah. I mean, I know... I know a Chinese guy. I mean, I know... I can tell a Korean guy. My order of preference goes Chinese, Japanese, and Korean.

Interesting. Yeah. I would put Chinese at the bottom. We started talking about the racism being ironic, and we're ranking the types of Asians right now. But yeah, for sure, Korean... It's not racist. Korean goes number one.

It's racist to say you dislike a group of people. It's not racist to say that they're worse than... That's right. You're right. It's cuisine. Yeah. You know, that's not... If what we're being honest, Korean barbecue is really...

It's weird that cuisine is a French word, and the French have the most disgusting food of any people. I just think it's regular food with butter and shit. All the chef terms come from France, and yeah, French food is bullshit. French cooking is like very regimented and fucked up like... Yeah. They think it's the army. Because it's the closest thing to the army they have.

Yeah, because they don't have a real army. Because they're gay bitches. So to them, julienning shit. Yeah. I mean, what French is the worst type of Asian? Have you seen an Asian... Guess what, France? You've just been downgraded from a white country to an Asian one.

We're podcasting. This is pressure podcasting. Nick's got a damn spot. He's sitting on a wooden chair. Dude, it is... I'm doing it with a tooth... Missing a damn tooth. Your voice already sounds different.

I wasn't expecting it to be so different, but it is. It's like when a little kid loses that fucking front tooth. My F's. Yeah. You look like... You look and sound like the Stranger Things kid. Yeah. Hell yeah.

This is Stranger Things season 12 where they've run out of people in the town to molest him. He's 35 years old. He works at Blockbuster. He still rides the bike there. Oh yeah. He still lives at home. Same bike. I guess he got a tooth in season two.

They got teeth. Did he? I don't know. I don't watch that show because it sucks. Yeah, I only watch it. Your only good show is... Chops. I like Mindhunter.

You like Mindhunter? No, I don't like any cooking shows. I like Chops. Except for Guy's Grocery Games. Me and... Oh, Guy's Grocery Games fucking rules. That is Chops basically, but with Guy just stunting and acting awful. Chops is for like intellectuals.

I prefer Guy's Grocery Games. That's true. It's easier to understand. It's not as complicated as Chops. It's for... Yeah, it's for guys like me who just, you know, at the end of a hard day at work, I don't want to think. Mm-hmm.

I just want to shut down and watch some people compete in a grocery store. That's right. That's right. To see who can make the best Oreo dinner. Oh, the fucking Oreo Curry dinner. Yeah, Tilapia fucking crusted, or Oreo crusted Tilapia. All right. Your ingredients are some mayonnaise, mustard, a bucket of Kool-Aid powder, and this stack

of the coupon books they sell, or they hand out at the front of the store. I, me and Eldis have been, and Pete, my other roommate, have been gambling on Chopped recently, and it's, it really fucking throws a little something. On our favorite gambling website? Yes, Bet DSI. They started covering Chopped. But it's fun, dude, it throws a little extra something, something to the Chopped watching experience.

Yeah. Yeah, man. Sorry, I'm just getting the timer going here. Okay. Yeah, because we got it, man, this is fucking down to the wire. I don't know why we didn't do this shit yesterday. Man, Sunday happens. I texted you, I asked you, I said.

I know, I forgot it was Tuesday already. For the wire. You'd think that by now I would know that I do two podcasts a week. It is true. Once we do one, I'm like, well, I'm done working for the week. It is, you know, it's funny because like people are like, you don't work very hard, you only do two hours of saying the dumbest shit twice, two times a week. You don't deserve $30,000 a month.

And you know what, like, we have not taken a single break except for like maybe three or four or five times every couple of months. No co-host has ever gone missing for, be it like illness in the family or going on vacation in Europe for three weeks for no reason, you know, that's never happened. So we've never forgotten to upload an episode and just kind of skipped it and hope no one would notice. It is funny, like we did hit 30,000 and I saw a lot of people deleting subscriptions or like, fuck that, you make too much money, you don't deserve this much money.

People are like writing that and it's like, we didn't deserve $200. There's no amount of money we deserve to do a podcast. Right, absolutely not. What we deserve is health insurance and I still don't have it. Yep, me neither, clearly with my fucking tooth. Yeah. I'm going to be toothless till Friday, dude. And then I get a little flipper.

And the reason I deserve health insurance isn't because I'm a good person, it's because I've paid probably $70,000 in taxes this year and I don't use the fucking roads, I walk on the sidewalk. It's true. The sidewalks, that doesn't come out of taxes. That's private. Mailmen pay for it. That's right.

That's right. That comes from all the birthday money they steal out of the cards they don't deliver. Damn, you paid that much. I'm about to get banged attack. Dude, this fucking tooth thing was fucking brutal. How much did it cost? Well, I got hooked up. I got hooked up.

You got to stop getting hooked up on dental work. That's how this happened in the first one. No, this is good. This guy is good. No, your tooth was a little pink and your mom said she knew a guy. That's true. Here we are three months later and you look like a goddamn jackal. I know, dude.

But it's out of my mouth now, okay? The problems are gone. Now, I'm going to get a little flipper for six months. I'm going to be able to pop it in and out and then I'm going to get a dental implant and that I'm not scrimping on. But that's going to cost at least two grand and then my surgery, who knows how much that's going to fucking cost. I'm going to have to spend like $10,000 to not have a fucked up mouth.

That's insane. I know. It's crazy. That's really fucking insane. I can't get fucking health insurance. I mean, the flip side is I'm going to have to spend $100,000 on that surgery where they break your bones. That's true to get to be half an inch taller.

No. It's a lot more than that, dude. How much more? Like four inches. No, really? Yeah, dude. Interesting. If you wanted to grow a half inch, I'm sure you could figure out lifts would be enough.

That's true. I mean, I'm five-two. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. You know? I'm trying to get to six-seven. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So you're going lifts. You're going to break your fucking... I'm breaking all my bones. Yeah. Ooh, even your dick bone, which everyone has. Yeah.

I'm having all of my joints shattered. Beautiful. Fingers? Yeah. Everything. My skull. Oh, really? I'm going to have all my bones pulverized.

And then I'm going to put me in a giant vacuum with a hose that comes down and goes directly into my lungs. Interesting. So I'm going to be tube-fed air to stay alive, nutrients through IV, and then you keep me in that fucking vacuum until I've expanded. Oh, like a sea monkey. Like a bathtub suicide. Yeah.

Then I'll get all the girls. Perfect, dude. Just be spongy, round, and fucked up. Yeah. Waterlogged. Yeah. Just a purple fucking mess on the ground and puddle, but then on my tinder bio, I put six-seven.

I'm going to be like, well, he does look like a corpse. Yeah. He does look like a rotten eggplant, fucking melted beanbag chair, the final fucking caught on fire. That sounds hot, dude. I'd fuck a big beanbag chair with a bitch. You know the rules, because everybody wants a tall, I'm going to sit at the end, word. I'm going to sit it.

Everybody wants a tall guy. You've got to be tall these days. I remember it used to be, because look, I'm 4'11", and 20 years ago, guys like me were respected. Yes. Put on a nice fucking suit. Yeah. A fedora.

In the 1930s, the average male height was 3'6". The Mexicans haven't grown since then. They used to be basketball players back then. That's a little known fact. When the WNBA first launched, it was all Mexican men. Yeah. It stood for, where was the NBA? Yeah.

They originally sent his contractors to build the hardwood floors for the NBA, but then they just started their own league while searching for the location of the NBA. Yeah, bro. I've looked into it, man. I was also going to do that thing that African women do, where you put rings around your neck to make my... Your neck bigger, longer. Yeah, I just go on dates with women, they're like, how tall are you, I'm like 6'4".

My shoulders are at their waist. That sounds pretty good, dude. Yeah. We're walking down the street, and there's a tube hanging off of some building that's under construction, but for whatever reason, the tube is hooked up to a vacuum on the top floor. Uh-oh. It sucks air in.

Yes. Then she's going to her purse, and her keys get sucked up the tube. She's like, oh no, my keys, and I'm like, I got this. Then I just stick my long head of that tube, and then all the guys on the street are jealous, because none of them have a four and a half foot long neck. Of course, dude. Yeah. You stunted on them, dude.

I did. You burdened it. You ostriched all over those motherfuckers. You got that big ostrich neck. Hell yeah. That sounds pretty good. The surgery I would like is not elective, it's the one I need. Yeah.

Bro, this motherfucker grabbed- What do you mean I don't need surgery to make my neck three feet long? You think you need that? Yes. Will you die if you don't have it? Here's the thing, man. You don't need a tooth. You got like 30 of them.

I only have one neck, and it's not long enough. That's true, man. I'm being selfish. Fuck. You're right. Well, my neck's not long. Do I need the surgery? No, because you're morbidly obese.

First of all, I am regularly obese. I'm basically physically perfect, except for- Except for your short ass neck. There you go. People are like, look at that little fucking short neck piece of shit. His body's so beautiful, his calves, his pecs, works of God. That's what they say. But the neck, that little fucking squat piece of shit. I know, dude.

Damn. I'm sorry, man. Everyone has been saying that, and it's been hard on me, because I agree with them. Your neck is disgusting, but I love you so much. I always have your back, but now that you're bringing it up, yeah, you have a fucked up neck. Yeah. You gotta be depressing, having your front tooth missing.

You know, it's kind of funny, dude. All day today, I was like- I mean, it's funny to me. No, no, no. But first of all, I was on the train, and just no homeless people ask you for money. A lady came up to me, she was like, you have some money, and I just smiled at her, and she walked away. She didn't even ask for anything. She was like fucking taking it back.

I look like a guy who's in his first stages of homelessness, because you know what I mean? Like I just- No, no, no. You look like a guy that's homeless. You look like a guy that's been homeless to the point where he lost a tooth. This isn't week one. This is fucking years and years and years of homelessness. My regular habits are just what a homeless guy's dental habits are. Yeah.

Where you're on a first name basis with everyone that works at every shelter in the city. Let me just get some scraps, please. Yeah. You got your fucking shopping cart pulled up to the front of one of those Lincoln YC boots, and you're watching fucking- Oh, yes, dude. You're watching Kodak Black music videos. I'm on- Oh, yeah, hell yeah, dude, I'm on four fucking milk crates just fucking sitting down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Post it up. Yeah. So, but people keep looking at me, and I keep getting a weird glance where it's not hor- Like, I guess they're trying to be polite, but all day I've been like, damn, I must have something going on today. I got some charisma about me, and I'm like, no, they're gawking at you because you don't have a fucking front tooth, but women have looked at- Won't break eye contact immediately,

like usual. It's like, they're looking at my fucked up tooth, and I'm like, why are you going around smiling at people? Nobody ever sees my teeth. I smile. I'm a smile. First of all, that's the sign of a coward is letting someone see your teeth. I bear my teeth at people like a chimp.

Yeah. The show. Yeah. The show you're in control is- If I'm going to 7-Eleven and I see two taquitos rolling on that fucking thing, I'm burying my teeth at everyone in there and I let them know, they better not order those fucking taquitos. They'll wait until I make my half pina colada, half Coca-Cola slurpee, and then I'll order those two taquitos.

Wow, dude. Yeah, let them cook a little extra. You like them crispy. Yeah. Well, you know, what can I say, man? I also had a moment in a coffee shop where I saw some fucking, some hot woman with some ugly dude and I was like, damn, I should fucking steal this girl. I was like, oh, I'm ugly as shit and I'm missing a fucking tooth.

Imagine me just sauntering up to someone. I like how it took losing a front tooth for your self-esteem to finally match your physical appearance. It was the last pick, dude. Yeah. Because I mean, the tooth brought you from like a three to a two. Nah, nah, nah. One tooth, really.

Actually, you know what, missing the tooth kind of brought you from a three to a different kind of three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it got me up. It's weird. It's like, because it's like, if you can, if you have... Dude, I'm just, and you're, I'm wearing your room and it smells bad in here and like... Well, I just took, listen, motherfucker.

No, I don't say anything. I can see that you got brand new laundry sitting on the bed. So if anything, it smells better in here than it normally is. First of all, I had a long day of writing two tweets, okay? So I worked up a nice musk in the coffee shop today. Yeah. Also, I'm out of soap and I usually steal eldests, but he is also out of soap. So I've been taking regular showers with some of Ryan's shampoo.

Yeah. Okay. And that doesn't clean the way soap should. Yeah. Okay. So that's number one. I never use any kind of soap. You don't use any soap?

Not often. No. I just rinse off. Not to wash your cheeks? No, dude. I'm fucking, I'm clean. You don't wash your asshole with soap. Nope.

Are you out of your fucking mind? I just never smell bad. That's wild, dude. There's no way. Nah, man. Your dick, your dick head under your balls, none of that gets soaped down. I'm like once every two weeks. What do you fuck?

Once every two weeks. You fuck once every two weeks? No. I know you fuck more than that, bro. I know. At the very least, you should be fucking scrubbing pussy off with some dial, dude. No. Yes.

Absolutely. I don't. Maybe I'll wash my balls and dick in the sink after. With no soap, though. Yeah. Just a little rinse. A little rinse. I was designed to do that.

This is, no. Absolutely not, dude. I don't give a fuck. You know about the Rockstar Car Wash? You ever hear that? No. People talk about that? I know.

That's where you fuck a girl and then you wash your dick off in another girl's pussy right after. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. The hook or shower is when you wash your genitalia in a sink. Yeah. Preferably in a gas station. They also call that a Mexican shower, don't they?

Do they? I don't know. I remember. I don't think so. I've heard that. I've heard that. A horse bath. A horse bath.

I thought the Mexican shower was just an axe body spray. Yeah. You know? But enough like you're in the misting tent at the zoo. That amount. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? My thing is laying down in the shower and doing characters.

Wait, no way to say it. You lay down in the shower for real? Yeah. Or is this a bit? No, I do. You know what I like to do? I like to fucking work the edge of the bathtub into my rhomboids. Oh, no.

Yeah. That shit is dirty as fuck, dude. I know. I don't give a shit. You don't use soap and you lay down on the dirty ass bath. And I work my back in. You're fucked up, bro. I pressed the little soap holder into my lats and shit.

No, this is prison, dude. That's a prison massage, dude. If you did that in prison, they'd probably kill you. Nah, they would take it as an alpha move. Yeah. If you're using the fixtures to rub yourself. Yes. We're getting dangerously close to shitting in the kitchen.

You mean fucking beautifully close, dude? That's what we need. That got me so good. That was the best bit we've ever done in our lives, dude. But no, I don't know, man. I think I'm just, honestly, what I'm really scared of is I'm going to like having no tooth too much. I think if anybody's going to pull it off, because actually, here's the thing.

You're right. You're very rude the way you talk about it and you could be better. But yes, I understand societally, I'm not the most attractive man. However, well, basically, my whole life has been built up to overcome a horrible body. And if anyone can pull off no fucking tooth, honestly, it's me, dude. Yeah, probably. Honestly, I could make it kind of charming somehow. I'll figure it out, dude.

Give me a couple months with no tooth. It's fine. I might get more pussy with no tooth. That's the power. People understand if you've been fat your whole life, it definitely helps you in many ways. Not medically, obviously. No, no, no.

And not necessarily self-esteem, but the outward, the confidence you have. Short bursts. Yeah, if you're able to have the confidence to be that fat and not, you know, be into like, you know, warcraft. Right, right, right, right, right. Seek fat shelter somewhere amongst other fat pieces of shit. Exactly. Yes.

Yeah, build a cabinet in your bedroom that houses the computer so you can have a bedroom inside your bedroom that has a toilet paper roll underneath the... I mean, I think about it sometimes, man. A toilet paper roll holder underneath the desk so when you masturbate, you can just pull off a wad of toilet paper over there. Beautiful. Have you seen those, those gaming rigs that have... We've mentioned these before.

Yes, they're beautiful. Yeah. Honestly, I think about it sometimes, dude. You know how beautiful life would be if like, just on one of my benders, if that was just my life, I'm just always fucked up. I'm eating fucking pizza and wings for breakfast and shit like that, and I'm just, I keep getting fatter and fatter. I don't worry about fucking ever.

Man, I just die. That wouldn't be that bad. You know what I mean? That's kind of like just quitting. You know? Yeah. I'd be very depressed, but then I just get fucked up the second I start getting depressed. I had a real bad day the other day, and I was like, I just want to just do heroin.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah. When I'm like that, I would do, I was a while ago, I was doing a lot of pills. Yeah. Pills are great. My roommate got in a car accident. I was just stealing them.

Yeah. And I was fat as fuck, bro. And honestly, those pills running out kind of made me get my life together because I was like, well, I've eaten too many of these fucking pills. But you didn't get your life together. Momentarily I did. This was in college. I lost a lot of weight.

I got a fucking girlfriend. And then once I locked her up, I was like, well, time to get that shit. That same girl you were dating when I made it? Yes. Yeah. Because you were what? 370 pounds? I was fat.

No, I mean, I know you're kidding, but I was serious. No, I was 325. Oh, okay. I thought you were about 470. No, no. These 25. I mean, I know. I understand.

It's hard for you as a man of your size at 460, but people are much, you don't, you understand size. Well, I'm 460225. Sure. You're built like a fucking breakhouse, a shit breakhouse. That boy's built like a fuck shit house, a fuck ass house, boy. Isn't shit breakhouse a term? Well, like a brick full of shit.

I don't know what it is, but I think I've heard it somewhere. One of those dumb ways to refer to somebody. I love it, dude. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know, man. I think I'm kind of like, if I learn how to whistle out this tooth, dude. Yeah.

Try it. I can't. Damn. You know what you should get as an implant is like a little eight ball. A magic eight ball? Yeah. I shake my head up and down. No, no, no.

Just like, you know, I was somebody, I was when I was a kid, I would fantasize about losing my eye so I could get rid of this. Oh, hell yeah. Like an eight ball. I thought that would be bad ass, dude. That would have been bad ass, dude. Just in second grade, eight ball eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Looking fucked up, dude. Looking like you just got your shit. Just self-coked. Split open at a fucking pool hall. Like a horrible accident happened. That's all I wanted, dude, is a horrific eye injury when I was a kid. I remember my first girlfriend. There was some guy.

She used to fuck or some guy she was friends with who had had a missing eye. And I remember I was like, I was very insecure about that guy had a cool scar. He had cool. He got shot in the eye. I wanted a scar. I wanted a scar, too. She would talk about it, too. And the way that would make me insecure, she's like, that's so hot.

How old were you? So bad. I was probably 17. Okay. This is the girl who was doing heroin? Uh, now, yeah. And at the time, at the time she wasn't. I mean, she had pills here and there, but her life went to shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. After she got that mole dog dick. Well, after she left me for some guy that got shot in the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I wanted a scar. I don't remember who. Not scar. I didn't fuck with scar from The Lion King.

Tom Beringer in the mask. In a platoon. No, I didn't see platoon till later. That's a good movie, though. That's a good scar. I don't remember the scar, actually. But the villain from the mask had a scar. Fucked up, you know, because here's the thing.

We already do, we already, a little baby boy is born and they like, mangled. Not, not everyone's parents. Not everyone's, but I'm saying. Someone's got a nice little song. You know how fucking mad I am? I don't remember being circumcised. I don't give a shit. It looks better.

I see where you're going. Yeah. Cut my face off. Yup, yup. If you're going to remove the head of my dick, you're going to do something that fucked up. I want to, I want a scar going from the top of my head, all the way down my cheek, through my eye, sliced through my eyeball.

You want to lose functionality in one of your eyes. I want, I want one of those glossy white ones with the red line down the middle. And you know, if you go to a nice hospital, give me the eight ball. Yeah, yeah. And it just, just, you know. Your family has money. Just give me an eight ball. Yeah, I want to be like, what are those rich, rich babies with a scar down his whole fucking

forehead, and an eight ball in his eye. Yeah, dude. And then fucking cunt destroyer tattooed across my neck. Yeah, you know, in the fucking Hoity 20 Connecticut, you'll fucking pop into a fucking gas station on a road trip and you'll just see some fucking kid with perfect blonde hair and just a fucking flame tattoo. Look at that rich baby. That rich baby with a couple slurs on his forehead.

Yeah, yeah. No, but for real though, I wouldn't have been, I wouldn't be mad at my parents if they had the doctor slice my face open in various different ways, you know, really make me look like a fucked up badass dude. And then, and then, you know, maybe I don't need the circumcision at that point. That's right. Because what circumcision is supposed to do? Keep your dick clean?

The only women that are going to be fucking you if you have a bunch of horrific facial scars are Virgins. Oh, Virgins, interesting. Because the only people that are attracted to that are morons. Ah, I see. I was going to say whores that maybe, you know, had some rough stuff happen to them in their childhood, actually. Oh.

That would have been my guess. Yeah. Like that girl, there's no way she had a chill childhood. Which girl? Your first girlfriend. Oh yeah, no, not at all. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Decidedly. For sure, no. Not chill stuff probably happened. Yeah. Speaking of that, I was watching Forrest Gump. Mm-hmm. Jenny apparently got molested big time. Oh yeah?

That's what it seemed like. I see that movie sucked, dude. Yeah, that movie. Forrest Gump sucks, dick. It's a terrible movie. I put it on in the background while I was getting some writing done a couple months ago. And I was like 15 minutes into it. And I was like, what the fuck is this?

Why do people love this movie? Also, Jenny would have fucked him way sooner. Yeah. Because she got molested. Yeah. And she's clearly, there's the two flavors. You never fuck again. Forrest Gump feels like a child molester tried to make a Wes Anderson movie.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. Okay, I can see that. I just don't get it, dude. It's like, what the fuck is supposed to be cool about it? This retard just fucking hops into every part of history? Uh, yeah. Is that the whole movie?

Yeah. And then he runs fast or something? Something like that. He's good at football? Why? Because he runs fast? Yeah. He's lucky they didn't allow black people in at first.

Damn, this bodega coffee is terrible. Yeah, it's bad. But they do sell Lucy's. I just spit all over the microphone, I'm sorry. While I was laughing, not now, but earlier. Earlier. That's fine. That's Adam's.

Is it? I don't know. I wonder if Adam's ever coming back. I hope he is. Yeah. Feel bad for our boy. Yeah, but the show's going great. Yeah, it's fun to do the show.

I wish that wasn't the truth. The live show was terrible. You think so? Yeah. It was fun. No, no, not Caroline's. Funny mom's. Oh, fuck.

I'm sorry, dude. Yeah, I wish I could have been there. That's not your fault. I know, I know. I know he's got stuff going on, but I don't want to. I would not put it. I would not put it past Adam to. Interesting.

Intentionally not tweet out the link to the show to make me look bad. To remind me that he's necessary for some components. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. It's a it's a minor power play from him. You think you're thinking. Yeah, you always look, you always look at Prince Machiavelli.

Right. You're probably, you're probably brushing up on Prince Machiavelli right now, aren't you? No, that shit comes natural to me. I see. Yeah, I don't need to read a fucking book to know how to manipulate people. Smart. Yeah. How did you pick it up?

What? What Adam's doing? Manipulation. The art of manipulation. Gaming. Gaming, of course. On the mods. On the boards.

By playing anime dating sims. Selecting the right question to ask beautiful princess. To get, just to see some side boob after playing it for three hours. Thank you for fucking my pussy. Checkmate. Bro, I definitely want those on Xbox. Like, too late in life. Like five years ago.

Back when you had all your teeth. Yeah, dude, when I was a beautiful 325 pound boy. Nothing but teeth. Nothing but beautiful chompers. By the way, it turns out you should brush your teeth, guys. Yeah. I was always a firm believer that not brushing my teeth was never going to come. Dude, I make fun of you, but I got a bottom, one of my bottom teeth is doing the same thing.

Oh, no. Go to the dentist, bro. I got it. I mean, it's all black at the fucking bottom. Oh, that might be resorption. That's what I had, dude. Yeah, I think it's just rotting away. That's a type of rotting away.

I'm going to lose the tooth, too, but it'll be one of the bottom ones anyway. Bottom's so much better than that. Dude, this is the worst tooth. Top right. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. The worst tooth to fucking lose. I like that you're still going to be eating like shit, too.

You're like one of those guys that has a stoma. You know, it's like the fucking tracheotomy, and then they smoke through it anyways. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I had one day where I was on a liquid diet, and that was fine. And then they said 24. Your boy got right back to it, dude. Yeah.

In fact, I am kind of a bender. I'm in a weird part where it's like, I'm struggling to get my life together, but every medical problem sinks me back into depression, so I eat like shit, and I am. Well, this tooth, the gum has been receding for like five years. Oh, my God. And it's every year because it's worse and worse. Go to the goddamn dentist, bro. Shit, well, it doesn't hurt.

It doesn't? No. It doesn't hurt at all. It's not loose. It feels healthy. It'll bleed a little. So what I do is I use one of those, you know, those hooks, those metal hooks. Uh-huh.

After I brush my teeth, I'll scrape anything out of that hole with one of those metal things. Oh, shit. So I pay extra attention to it, and I do my own scaling in my own mouth. You gotta fucking get a doctor to do that shit, dude. Why? I don't know. It's a tool. I know how to use tools.

I don't trust you with it. You're gonna fuck up. Bro, by the way, the cleaning I got, because I hadn't just gone to the dentist at all in years. You know what I do? That shit was worse than the fucking- Yeah, dude. With a scale and playing you?

Yeah, dude. It was like fucking a mind. I feel like- I had that shit done once, and everybody's like, oh, it's excruciating, and it was fine. Nah, bro. I just didn't. I mean, it was like uncomfortable, but- Nah, it was horrible, dude.

It was like some Honduran, like, little fat Honduran lady who had no time for my yelps. I was like, eh, eh, eh. There was like a whole time. I had to stop her. It spit out just the most viscous, red-ass blood at the end. It wasn't even like a little pink, dude. This bitch was going at me with no remorse, dude. Yeah.

Well, I guess I should go to a dentist and get a cleaning. Yeah. I still don't have health insurance. Damn, bro. It's so expensive, and then it's shit. If you look at the marketplace, it's like, there's not a single plan that's four stars or above in my area. There's no platinum plans.

You have to get a shitty plan that sucks, and it costs $500 a month. And it does nothing. With a $6,000 deductible. Yeah, exactly. The thing that it does do is the health insurance company has allowed to negotiate prices with the medical provider, so you pay $500 for a thing that would have cost $800. Gotcha. But they still don't pay.

But I feel like if you go to a good, see, when I say I got to hook up this time, a friend, a friend's uncle's actually a good dentist, and he really did, like, he did do good work and the cleaning is good, and he also knows a surgeon who has been working with me. Like, they've been, like, cool since I don't have insurance. This is the thing, if I go to a guy and I get my teeth cleaned, I pay $500 fucking dollars. You're not paying that for a teeth clean. Then I pay $200 or whatever I pay. I want them to cut across my face through my eye with a scalpel.

And I want that goddamn eight ball. That's right. We can get matching eight balls, dude. How jealous would Adam be if he comes back and you have a missing tooth with an eight ball in it? Honestly, that would be cool. Your faces stick together. Yeah, I mean, you're still healing, so you look horrible. It's just pink and terrible.

Yeah, he comes back and I've been butchered with a shake. And I have an eight ball eye. And he goes, what? I want water. I'm like, you're not allowed to copy, bitch. Sorry, dude, no copying. I'm just hooked up to an IV. And I smile and just gleams.

My little eight ball gleams in the fucking sun. Yeah, dude. We went to the hospital. I guess we went to the hospital without you. I guess it would be a round eight ball tooth. It would just be cosmetic. It would not be functional. No, it would look like a tooth.

It would look like a tooth. But then it's got the eight ball on. God, this fucking sucks. This is the most talking I've done. Because it's like, you know, I mean, I'm regular talking, but like, I sound so fucking stupid. You do. Speaking out of the fucking old tooth. I've already gotten used to it.

It sounds normal to me now. I just hit a couple Fs in a row and it really got to me. But whatever, man, I'm precocious and young and cute. I've got a tooth missing. I'm definitely not dying. That's for sure. This is definitely not the first stage of my body quitting on me between this and the growth in my jaw.

I mean, getting fatter every year and less healthy and doing more drugs as I age. You're young. You're almost 30 years old. That's young. That's young. That's certainly not middle age, by definition. We're definitely young guys. I fucking, you know, when you're like half asleep, half awake, you know?

Yeah, of course. And you're still kind of like dreaming, but you know you're like sort of awake. I had one of those the other day and in the dream, someone was like, how old are you? And I like had to think for a second. I'm like, oh, I'm 16. And then I was like, wait, wait, wait, I'm 19. And the guy's like, okay. And then I woke up and I was like, fuck, I'm 29.

Yeah, yeah, it sucks. That's yeah. I haven't like aged mentally in 13 years. No, absolutely not. I'm stupid as fuck. I'm the, I'm dumber. Yeah. But we've talked about that.

Yeah, I can't. I don't know, man. I really do think this might be it, man. The beginning of the damn end. Yeah. That's how come town ends with everyone dying. Yeah. Just you left alone.

Yeah. The way it began. Mm hmm. Jake Flores and Mike Racine. Yeah. Blake Midget. There's no way that fucking, there's no way that Jake and Blake wouldn't die like six months after you.

It's true. It's the curse, dude. You're like cars breaking down. You're like, oh, I'll just buy another one. And they're like, oh, I could get a loan or I could spend $500 on this in 1887 maximum. That'll last six months. Just cigarette burns in the fucking seat. Yeah.

Ripped a knife to the fucking like, you know, it's like sinking that like the top of whole thing. You go into like a restaurant, like a shitty diner and someone's like taking a knife to the seat. Yeah. Yeah. The booth and they're just like, I was fine. Who's doing that?

Who's cutting up booths? Probably a kid like you as a child. Yeah. Maybe taking a knife. Did someone do a bit about that? I don't think so. Who's slashing the booths and the diner? I don't think so.

I don't think they did. That's all yours, buddy. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it's like, that's such like a fifties gang move. That's true. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You're like a fifties themed diner and you have to threaten the waiter by slicing on him. I heard you was serving P.R.s here. We don't let the, we don't let the thunder horses sit in this. The thunder horses down from 87th street can never come into the diner. Yeah. When, when, the only thing that like separated gangs was their fucking little names.

They were just all white guys. They weren't even, they didn't even get the race yet. Yeah. A beautiful time in America. The 86th street goofballs. Nobody messes with them. That's Billy. He's the hardest guy in the world.

His dad just got laid off. That's what makes him so hard. His father suffers from depression. Damn. I could have been in a gang. That's when I was, that's when I would have been tough. Yeah. Back then when other gangs were very real.

Yeah. Back in the fifties. I could have been in a gang. I feel like everybody has those fantasies. Like when you read about like bank robbers in the twenties. Oh yeah. Yeah. Mulaney definitely has a bit about that.

So I don't remember that. I can't go into that territory. Oh. You know that Billy does about how easy it used to be to rob a bank back in the day? Oh. Easy to commit a crime wasn't it? Yeah. Easy to commit a crime.

You go into a bank and you tell everyone your name. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. He also had that other bit about like you're bleeding everywhere and it's like the tank comes in. It's like, here's the, the, the like the criminals blood is all over. It's like, oh my God.

No, it's not. Well, here's like the victim or whatever. And there's like his blood hair and semen everywhere. And the detective goes gross, clean it up. Yeah. That's the punchline. Yeah. Thanks for listening to Come Talent, the stand up comedy recap podcast.

Where we repeat bits that comics have done. And we say who does them. So it doesn't count as stealing. It's not stealing. It's attribution, baby. The New York Times like recaps like they do like a best of late night. And then they transcribe things at the late night. Really?

Yeah. It's, it's almost like they're doing it to prove how not funny late night is. I get that. Because when you read those jokes, it's brutal. They're terrible. I mean, it's tough enough watching them. Yeah. But it's like, you know, it's these fucking bouncing up and down.

And it's like, there's this fucking audience. Yeah. Ah, fuck my run. So what should I do next, man? What do I do? In life? Yeah. I don't know.

I'm kind of run out of things to do. I think this is a sign that I should just fucking. I feel like, I feel like my life in the last year is like, you know, in Scarface when the push it to the limit montage is happening. Oh yeah. So it's me at the Porsche dealership. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me, like fucking a hot girl or whatever.

Like ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da. You know, it's blowing them on. Yes, of course. You know, PlayStation VR. Push it to the limit. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Weight vest, you know.

Right. Pass the port up, no return. You know. 800 dollars stealing wheel. Yeah, 800 dollars stealing wheel. Push it to the limit, ba-da-da-da-da. But then, then we're only halfway through the song and there's still plenty of song left and I'm just sitting in my apartment because I've run out of shit to do.

Pass the point of no return. I'm just watching the Apple TV screensaver and totally my thumbs. Reach the edge, but still you gotta learn just looking at my fucking Apple watch. How to keep it. Answering a text message about why Adam can't come back to the show for six months. Push it to the limit. Suck your father's penis. Be reading, like, the Wikipedia page for corporate sales tax.

For how capital gains works. Yeah, just fucking looking. Maybe I'll become a stockbroker. Yeah, yeah. Never mind. Fuck all that shit. I ain't learning. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

Learning is okay, guys. As soon as the podcast ends, I'm fucked. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Good luck getting a job if the employer has Google. Even if it doesn't and I still have depression. I just wanna kill myself. Hell yeah, dude. Everything's going fine and I wanna die.

I feel like I just need to get over these little health humps, you know? Yeah. These lovely health lumps. Yeah. Suck my tits. Actually, the doctor said, it's crazy, he said, the more nudes I receive into my inbox, the healthier I'll be. So I can't believe he said that.

But yeah, I mean, I guess you guys don't want me to die. I should listen to what the doctor has to say. Yeah. But he also said some other shit about it. That's right, dude. Apple bottom a day keeps it down. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

You got those apple bottom jeans. Put your ass on DMs, you know? Yeah. Or even if you don't. Yeah. You know? One of my bonsai seeds came out of the soil. It didn't sprout.

It just fucking worked its way up out of the soil. Interesting. I don't know how that happened. That's a sign of disrespect, dude. You gotta fucking make that seed a fucking example. Not only is it not growing, it's unplanting itself. That's how bad I am at bonsai. Yeah.

You have to make that seed an example. You have to fuck it in front of the other bonsai seeds. You have to fuck it. You have to rip that bonsai seed. Man, this is depressing. How much friends are dying? Yeah, I'll probably be fine. This round probably won't get me, but I'm not going to change any of my behaviors.

You still haven't gone to the doctor for that tumor in your head? No, no. I did. I did. I mean, the biopsies next week, I'll figure it out. It's just something that has to get removed more than likely. Like some fucked up growth. Okay.

But it's not like, I mean, they have to do a biopsy still. It could be cancer. It could be, but it's probably not because cancer would have just eaten through my fucking jaw. This is just some fucking growth that's pushed it aside. And I have to remove it and like get a fucking tooth removed. That's one of those things where it's like they take it out and they're like, it's not cancer.

And then a year later, you have cancer. Yeah, it could be. I mean, we'll find out, you know, it's cool. It makes, you know, I was kind of feeling better about it. But now, yeah. Now that you say it. Dude, you got to be realistic about these things. That's, I tell, I don't, I tell all of my patients.

That's right. Staying positive. That's for idiots. Right, right, right, right. Be realistic. Say goodbye to your family. That's true. You know.

Spend time gaming. Yeah. I do have to beat a couple of games. Yeah. Damn. I don't want, I have cancer, dude. I want to live. Yeah.

I want to live at least another 20 years. Nobody wants to die. There's so much more pussy to be gotten, dude. Yeah. You know, there's so much more titties to suck. You know, it's funny because a lot of people, I always thought, like, who would want to live forever? And I think, honestly, I would.

I think I am that much of a crazy person. Like, you know, these, like, these, like, tech trillionaires. I could see you being, like, one of those fucked up, like, bodybuilders in the 80s that doesn't look that old. The, what? That man with the beard from the spam advertisement? No, no, no. There's grandpa.

I figured out the one trick. That ripped grandpa. No, there's, like, two different vegan black people that are like that. Yeah. You know that old lady? She looks kind of good, actually. No, I mean, I having my brain removed and putting a robot and then being blasted into space.

Sure. That's what I want to be. You want robot limbs. No, I just want to be sort of, like, sentient. Yeah. So you don't even want the pleasures of humanity. Actually, who am I kidding? Yeah, that would be an upgrade for you.

Right. If I could just be some sort of distant quasar, contemplating things. How funny would it be if, like, humanity already reached that point and everybody left, but, like, it was humanity. So it's just regular people. Right, right, right, right. Scientists are looking through a telescope and, like, they have, like, one of those radio telescopes or whatever.

Oh, that's funny. Listening like a pulsar and it's like, listen to this. It's like, they're like, isn't that amazing? This is coming from millions of miles away, but it's really just an ancient mind and it's out there just, like, those are all just slurs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just some racist guy. Yeah.

Wait, what about this? The ancient Egyptians, they blasted the fuck off. They were smarter than us, dude. Is that true? I think so, dude. Yeah, they're in space now. We should get into conspiracy theories. I would love that.

We should get into... I mean, where's Atlantis, baby? We should get into alternate realities where you don't have cancer. Oh, fuck yeah. Have a big-ass dick too. I'll join you in that delusion where we're capable of living forever. We could just, we could capture our voices in our minds and go into the Zoom recorder. I don't want to live forever.

And leave this bullshit play. I don't care. You're coming with me. Aw, man. I'm bringing all my podcast friends with me. No. Ian. No, I don't want to be an attorney with Ian.

We're all going to share a Zoom recorder and live in space and request for Ian's father. Yeah, we're looking for heaven. We're trying to find my dad. That sounds horrible, dude. I love the pleasures of the body. Yeah. I love eating. I love gluttony.

I love having sex. I love sucking on butt cheeks. I don't. I feel like the body is a prison. No. The body, I love the body. I hate mine, but I love the body. I don't want to live in a world where I don't suck titties.

I'm a fucking... I'm a pulse. I'm in a little fucking digital card. I'm a gigabyte. No, thanks, man. Dude, I want to be a Tamagotchi. If I can fuck one of the Tamagotchis... If it gets to the point...

Yeah, you just shove it in your ass and use it like a yoni egg. No, I want to be a digital version of a Tamagotchi. That's got to be... You know, sharding is already pretty embarrassing, but what's the version of sharding where you're trying to kegel on the bus? I just carded. You what? I tried to kegel and I shit all over my pants.

Your butt plugs are coming out of your fucking pants sleeve? If I had no shame whatsoever, I would go to all the free yogas in New York City and shit myself. That would be awesome. Just in white fucking joggers. Yeah. Hi, I'm Jackass and this is Shitting Yourself at Free Yoga. No joke? That's a good Jackass.

That would be a good Jackass. I can't believe they didn't do that, actually. Yeah. But you're also an old guy and you can see your old balls. Maybe I should call up my close personal friend, Johnny Knoxville, and let him know this story. You guys boys? Yeah. When'd you guys meet?

We haven't. I was hoping maybe that would slide by. It's conceivable that you would be friends with Johnny Knoxville. Stevo's out there. Stevo's doing clubs. That's true. Stapling his nuts to the fucking, to his thighs. Maybe I'll befriend Stevo and I'll pitch him my idea of shitting yourself at yoga.

Yeah, he just steals it. He would, dude. Stevo's got no fucking dignity. It's not stealing. That's me writing for Jackass. Nice. That would be a great job. It really, truly would be, dude.

Yeah. Oh, my God. All right. So, Wee Man has to fight a bunch of other midges. Yeah. We shove Wee Man in a woman's pussy and make her give birth to him at Ruby Tuesdays. Can I have the check now? Can I get paid, please, and go home?

Oh, fuck. They did a couple that was just like putting different kinds of dildos in their asses. Yeah. They put a firework in his and Stevo's ass. They put a gold dildo, I think. Bam, just put a dildo in his ass. Yeah. That was pretty good.

So, no ass stuff. The car, of course, Ryan Dunn. Yeah. Putting a car in his ass. I've seen Jackass. I'm familiar with all this stuff. You're not. Well, I'm trying to figure out what else could we do.

What else could Jackass do? Yeah. If one of them is uncircumcised, you put a couple of slices of ham under their foreskin. I like that show. What would you do that's like woke Jackass? Really? There is a woke Jackass? Yeah.

It's something like NBC Prime Time. The guy that hosts it is some fake race. Oh, that guy who looks like an Indian, but he's just Latino? Yeah. It's like Jeffrey Keenwar or something. Yeah. Yeah. That guy.

They're like, we, and I'm sure I've talked about this on the show before. Well, yeah, it's always like we sent a racist into a restaurant to not tip his black waitress. But what would happen if he was also retarded? And then they just like record strangers being like, should we confront this retarded man for being racist? That's good, man. Yeah. That's actually, that sounds like a good show.

A lot, this is, and this is, I know it gets into conspiracy theory territory, but I truly believe Yes. That the Trayvon Martin incident was a botched episode of what we do. Interesting. I think the camera crew was there. They set up George Zimmerman. Interesting. To see what he would do if a kid was...

And they just were not prepared for that. They're like, get the shit. We got to go. We got to get out of here. You don't know us, George? You've never seen us? Yeah. We sent Subway Jared lookalike into Subway to have sex with a child in front of everyone

to see what they would do. Don't worry, it's a fake, it's a prosthetic penis I'm using to fuck this child. We set up a dog fight in the middle of a black church. Then brought a white Christian field trip in there and told them they were going to go see Black Panther. That's good. They're like, what would you do? Hires Jackass right here.

We sent a racist to put a race car in his ass. We sent a midget. We sent a midget. Staple his balls to the bulletin board at the community center. But get this, he sharpied the N-word on his balls. We had a waiter with Down syndrome and then we had a rodeo clown not tipping. But what would happen if he tipped him with candy? Coming up next, what would you do?

MTV2. MTV2s, what would you do? That's a good show, man. I'm in there. I'm in that show. I'll fuck with it. Fuck, dude. It's hard for me to podcast because I'm worried I'm going to die now.

Yeah, I know, dude. I'm in a bad mood, too. I don't want my friends to die. Not because I'll miss them or I feel bad for them, but because it's a reminder of my own morphology. Oh, man, thanks. That means a lot. That's the only way to process other people's deaths. By remembering you're also going to die?

Yeah, you're making it about you. Yeah, it does feel like you probably will survive because you deserve it the least, you know? That's true. You have the least love in your heart, so... Yeah, it sucks, though. I'm insecure about it. About having no emotions? Yeah, it does suck.

When you realize, like, oh, yeah, I am just sort of an angry robot. You could go to therapy, man. I keep pictures to you. Then I go out and I see people, like, being friends with each other and listening to each other while they're speaking. It's rough, man. I'll be honest. I wish I was one of those guys, but then I'll start talking to somebody and they're like, oh, and then we were supposed to go to the laundromat, but it was already closed,

but it was 3 o'clock and I'm like, I'm out of here. Right, right, right. No, that is true. The truth, the trick is finding someone that doesn't have little dick-ass bitch-ass stories. I guess. I just want to trick people into thinking that I have... Empathy? Yeah.

That's all I want. You'll get there, dude. You'll find a program to do it. I believe in you, dude. Yeah. Maybe I should just move to Los Angeles for everyone's like me. That's true, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's why you hated it so much.

You saw what you really were. Yeah. I mean, that's partially true. I would talk to my landlady and we would just both be waiting for our turn to speak. And be like, man, everyone here sucks because they're just me. But they're also sexier than me? Yeah. Well, that's not true.

I was sexier than her. Were you? But in LA, you used to compare. The sexiest? I don't think LA is a particularly hot place. I don't know if that seems like a wild take. Nah. Uh-oh.

I wouldn't say so. You wouldn't fuck the average person in LA? Nah. Really? Yeah. Interesting. I mean, it's a huge city. That's true.

You're probably right about that. Yeah. You walk around. Because there's women that are wearing like $900 Velcro shoes with no brand name on them. Oh, yeah. You know those? I do know those. Yeah.

They dress like, they look like fake clothes. Yeah. And all those clothes cost. But all the leather is like from a fucking, like a very rare type of baby cow or some shit. Yeah. And it costs so much fucking money. Yeah. And it's soft as shit.

That's the thing. That shitty clothes. You know, if a retarded person walked into subway wearing those clothes, would you steal the clothes from him? I'm Abuelita Quinoa. You're watching What Would You Do? No. Why would that even be a thing we would do?

Look, sorry. This show's been on for nine seasons. We've been doing this for 18 years. Yeah. You're right. That is sort of fucked up. Because look, man, you're just at Denny's. Should I have a nice time?

Yeah. It's like to catch a predator, they run out of like, they finally catch all the pedophiles. And they're like, they just get into like, you know, we pretended to be a woman that was 45 pounds lighter than she is on the internet to lure men in here. Then the guys show up and then it's like, we sent out the real woman. Hey. The guy's like, oh. And they just tackle him, a bunch of fat bitches tackle him on the way out.

She's so beautiful. You didn't even get to know her. To catch a guy living in 2007 in this head. To catch a guy who didn't get the memo. Ah, man. Ah, fuck, dude. Jeez, yeah, I just keep, nah, but it's cool. I have a good ass funeral, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, dude. At White Castle. It's gonna be so much sadder. A little sliders for everybody. Because the fat guy, I'll die soon. Yeah, exactly. No, I want everyone to have all you can eat Korean barbecue at my funeral, man. Pass the bulgogi.

Yeah. Pass the dumplings around. Yeah, I would suck if you died, dude. No, I probably won't. Especially before like, you know, Bobby Kelly. Oh my God, that would be brutal. I'd be so mad dying. I'd have to kill Bobby on the way out.

I'd be like, Bobby, I have to speak to you. Yeah. You're my mentor and I love you. And then I just shoot him with a gun. I'd die before Bobby. Right. I should have sucked, dude. But I'm not going to.

I'm gonna live forever. I'm gonna shake this shit off. Yeah, it's weird that people die. I've had a couple of friends die. Yeah, because the thing is, you just, you don't forget, but it's like, just shit keeps moving. Yeah. And it's like, oh yeah, it's like, yeah, they don't even fucking exist anymore. Who gives a fuck?

You know what I mean? You remember, once you want your sad as shit. Yeah. But it's also like, the world that they lived in is gone. My aunt died when I was really young and it was so sad, but like, my life would be so much like, I just never really existed in a world where she like, shaped my life after I was like seven. So you're just like, yeah, that sucks dick that she wasn't around.

But you know, whatever. Yeah. Like that tooth will never come back. No, I'm going to have a bad. Your hair will never come back. I'm going to have a gold tooth. There's no going back. I'm going to get a toothache.

Once I get the tooth in, once I get the tooth implants, dude, I'm not stopping there. Yeah. I'm getting fucking pec implants. I'm getting bicep implants. I'm getting eight ball biceps. Eight ball biceps, dude. But it's, but it's a magic eight ball. So I shake it and it's like, should you suck my dick?

And guess what? The answer is always yes. I have, I had some of that liquid latex left over and I was very tempted to give myself epicantic folds in the bathroom the other night. Just for me. I wouldn't post it. Yeah. Oh, definitely not.

You character I'm working on the next come down live podcast. Yeah. It's me. Full skin eyelids. Fuck man. I don't know. I don't know. So yeah, I've just basically gone to the doctor gambling on chopped.

That's all I've really done the last couple of days. How do you gamble on chopped? You say who's going to win. Who's going to win? Yeah. It's fun. I'm getting back into gambling. I'm starting to sports gamble again.

Yeah. You know, but I'm eating like shit again. I'm not doing drugs at least, but I feel like I might start again. I miss the sweet, sweet, sweet baby. I miss that sweet baby. Just guzzling it dude. Just go, go, go, go, go, go. I might get some food.

I'm going to get a fucked up meal tonight. Yeah. You want to come with me to stand? Nah, bro. I'm already in my home. I'm in my sweats. Yeah. I'm going to grab down there.

I'm going to order some. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I am in the throes of depression, but I'll be out of it soon. What are you doing tomorrow? Can I come up here and do that post office shit? What am I doing tomorrow? I finally got all those fucking labels from the post office.

I was going to take the shirts with me right now, but it's like I don't want to fucking have them sitting out at the stand. I feel like I have something to do. This is the kind of bullshit we should be figuring out off the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. It's not the best way to end the show. Nah, sorry.

We got a hot riff in us right now. I feel it, dude. I know, dude. I'm fired up. I'm fired up. I'm ready to go. I finished my bodega coffee. You got it.

I almost bought the beef jerky there, but they only had one of them and it was on the floor. Bad sign. Yeah. No, that place is fucked up. Yeah. One time there was like seven people just strung out waiting. That's what always happened. There was like a whole crew with a pit bull.

Really? There was some girl out front. And it's like, yeah, it's like one of those hoodwrapped white girls. And she's saying like, she's like, no, I'm telling you. I don't sell drugs. Okay. I'm out here living on the streets. I got a kid.

And it's like, you're just trying to cram all that shit in while I'm walking. Of course. You're doing a character. Of course. There's no way that those thoughts all combine into one. She's trying to scare another white person, you know, to show that she's a bad ass. I already told you, I don't sell drugs. I'm out here living on the streets.

I got a kid. Yeah. What was the prompt? Bro. Hey, do you got any weed? I don't sell drugs. Yeah. I'm out here living on the streets.

I got a kid. Okay. You could have just said no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know?

Bitch. I'm sorry. And then you fucking backhand. Yeah. You got to be respectful. But there were people waiting there one time and they looked strung out of shit. And they were like, do you, and one guy walked up to the registrar and was like, are there any cigarettes here yet?

And the guy was like, nope. And just behind him was every cigarette. Like cigarettes was clearly a fucking code word for something, dude. Yeah. Yeah. They're fucked up over there. It was just weird because every bodega sells drugs. Like my bodega, they sell drugs, but the guys are like.

You think they do? They're like, Alex, do we have any, I don't know. It's all diesel. How should I make it happen? Just speak Arabic whenever they want to. But you can hear them like, 8K, 47, shall I come out and head them out? You guys are good though. They're friendly and nice.

They're great. I don't trust them, dude. Yeah. Blue-eyed Arabs. I don't trust. Yeah, dude. They say that many guys that just fucking flagrantly uses the n-word. He rules though.

Constantly referring to himself as the n-word. Black guys come in. He's fucking immediately calling them the n-word. Get out of my fucking fucking mind. No, I don't even like that. But like, you know, and nobody questions it. Cause he's cool, dude. He's laid back.

He's chilled out. I'm gonna try one. You could for sure, dude. In your neighborhood. Looking like you do. I would love that. With your general energy. Yeah.

I just, I fucking hate all those guys that look like me that go in there. That are like, you have a good day too. Oh yeah, yeah. Those guys are the worst. Absolutely, brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We talked about that. We did.

Fuck. Well, let's look at the current events, you know. I'll go to eFuck. I'll close out the show with our current events. I guess Trump called for gun control. Oh, that was hilarious. Yeah. This one's called, that's got a fucking hurt.

And it looks like some big dildo or something is going into someone's pussy. Anyway, that's the eFucked. That's the news. That's the news show. Damn, I got a fucking like pimple forming in my ear canal. Damn, dude. You know how fucking annoying that is? It's the worst.

That's almost as bad as having your tooth ripped out of your skull. Having someone take pliers and fucking looking up at a man. Damn, the world used to suck. Can you imagine how like, I think about like, you know, yeah, it would have been like shitty to live in like the 1800s and get your like hands sucked into a machine and you just die in a factory for a penny a day. Yeah. But like what also would have sucked is like being my age in like 1994.

Right, right. Yeah, yeah. Beat off the Baywatch. Oh my God. Yeah, that's why it was so popular. It was pouring out. You could see nipples. Because you could jack off to David Hasselhoff's beautiful fucking.

He's a Maryland boy. Is he? I think so, yeah. Damn, dude. Yeah, you used to beat off to that. You used to have to like, I don't know, just show up, make plans with someone a day before. How about David Jackaloff? That's good.

Yeah. David Jack me off. Trump stuns lawmakers with calls for gun control. He rules actually. Yeah. Well, I was saying the other day, it's like, you know, him saying that he would go into that. That was awesome.

And it's perfect. And I don't know if I said this on the show. No. It's like, he's, because to say, to say like, you know, I mean, if it were me, I would have gone in there. No weapon, you know. Yeah. Even without a weapon.

They would have done. But he really goes, and I think he starts off by saying like, you know, you can't say what you would do in that situation, but I would have gone in there. I think I would. I think I would. Yeah. Yeah. So he acknowledges that you can't do that.

You. He can't. He's got the best rhetorical strategies of all time. Right. He would always, he always admits that like what he's saying is like, I know in, in the general, this is not a statement that you can make, but there's an exception for me. But regardless of that, what makes it so great is like, he's, what he's saying is so disrespectful to the police officers that respond to things.

I know. And it's like, that's what people have been waiting for is for a president to say, fuck the police. I know. And he just sort of did it. And he did it. By accident. And he did it in a way that pisses off everybody.

It's awesome. And that's how you, that's fucking punk rock, dude. That's trolling, honestly. Yeah. That's good as trolling. He's the best president's ever lived. I mean, if you can't see that, there's something fucking mentally wrong with you. You know, you're not an intellectual genius.

No. A brain genius with a big, hard penis. Somebody sent me a shirt that says tiny dick, big heart. That's good. It's great. They sent you one too. What? Really?

They sent it in my drawer. Yeah. I got an extra. Oh, I can't wait. Yeah. That's my shirt. I know. That really, that does describe me.

I forgot about it. Damn. Yeah. I mean, it's not tiny. It's just, I would describe it as any, we lose even a fucking, you know, even a millimeter, where it's small. But right now we're just not small. Nice.

My dick is just barely not small. Just barely right now. Did you use that hanger I got you? I still have yet to use it. All right. Well, don't throw it out. I'm not. You've got to use it at least once.

I definitely will. The cock pump will get used. If you need me to buy you some lead weights to hang on there too. That would be nice. Because I don't know. I don't really know how you would hang on there. So I stretch my cock with it or it strengthens my cock. I'm lifting weights with my cock.

No. It stretches it out. It's basically- I put my soft cock in there and it stretches it out. Yeah. It clamps down on your dick and then it hangs there and then I'm assuming it works like a traction device would where over time you just stretch out the dick tissues. Okay.

Now, I don't know what amount of weight would be enough to stimulate. Too much. Yeah. Because you've got to hit- I want to rip my cock off. Right. Exactly. If you're trying to gauge out your ears, you've got to slowly go up.

They do a thing called scalpel-ing, I think, where they'll just cut a thing in there and you can get started with an even bigger hole. Interesting. Yeah. It's a good method to stretching out tissue. Now, I don't know if it even would make your hard dick bigger. It'll probably make your dick limp permanently forever. I don't know that I can afford that.

That's another thing. I can't afford any size losses. But you'll have a nice cool punk rock earlobe dick. That would be kind of nice. Yeah. I'm going to use it on my foreskin is what I'm going to do. Yeah. Stretch out my foreskin.

That is the thing. Then we're in business. You can do that. There are people that do like to stretch out their foreskin. You can see that picture of that guy that's got some kind of thing over his dick and balls and he's hanging upside down from his dick like a bat. No, but that rocks. Yeah.

I want to see that shit. Yeah. I'll put the Google that shit right now. That shit rules. Anyways, we're done with the show. Guys, come to, if you're in Philly, come fucking see me on March 17th at the Good Good Motherfucking Comedy Theater. Then yeah, come to Funny Moms on the 12th.

We're going to start saying it now because the last one sucked dick. Yeah. Make sure to tweet it at him and tell him to tweet the flyer up for the show because he took to do a power move on me. He didn't tweet it out last. Yes. That's right. And only five people showed up.

The art of fucking manipulation. I also want to show at the stand on Tuesday the 6th at eight if you want to come out to that. I'm like, I don't know, some fucking shit in Boston on March 27th. I posted it on Instagram if you want to come out. Yeah. Go see Nick if you're in Boston. That's a great show, dude.

You're going to have fun. Yeah. I'm excited, dude. I've been writing more. Me too, dude. That's the one thing. We have actually gotten better at stand up. I'm back in the stand up.

And we're going to kill ourselves. Yeah. We're more depressed, which actually makes sense. I'm back in the stand up now. I've rediscovered my first love. The only thing I ever cared about, really. It's true. It is the only thing I actually love.

My social media destroyed my life. I know. You're great at Twitter, though. No, Twitter is. You had a run. It's funny. I logged into that NYC Guido voice account just to tweet out that Italian shirt. And as soon as I tweeted out, people are like, it's fucking sell out and unfollow.

So I wrote that, like, shame. This used to be a funny account. That's my dick, you fucking piece of shit. What kind of fucking cynical shithole is Twitter now? It sucks. It's just like, you know, because I don't use it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a room filled with, you know, that I don't go in.

And I just, I'm like, oh, what's in here? And I just, people are like, fuck you. This is, because politically, I don't, you know, you don't, because it's literal human garbage. The right side is just screaming at each other. It sucks. I just throw jokes in there. Yeah.

That's it, baby. Yeah. I just talk about it. Instagram's where it's at, dude. I do fuck with a gram. Stop your baby, too, baby. Instagram, and if you can't do Instagram and you prefer Twitter, you're a fucking loser. Tell them, Nick.

You're a fucking loser. Don't hold back all these fucking hoes. I'm not. I'm not. Call them bitches, dude. We sent a retarded guy to use Twitter. What would you do? And he just told all those friends about it, and now that's basically what Twitter is.

Yeah. We sent a retarded guy to work at Vice Media and cover politics. And he just started raping all the girls. We sent a retarded girl to Vice Media to cover politics, and now he's pitching a TV show. What would you do? Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty sure she's retarded, but we can't not give her a development deal. I mean, the fucking cameras are here.

It's legally a show. We can't say no. The cameraman is also retarded. Everyone's going to accuse us of sexism if we don't buy her show, where she just eats candy for socialism. She just eats Karl Marx candy. Caramel Marx. Karl Marx bars.

Oh, there's so many fucking options. Yeah, there's a lot there. The communist Monty Christo. Monty Christo, it's a good sandwich. It's a sandwich. But you put Monty Christo with candy in it. And that's the riff, folks. That's

the riff. Ha ha.