The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 94 – Museum boys

Episode Date: March 15, 2018

We come up with ideas for new museums.

that should do it are we good to go yeah maybe I don't know how to get that clicking noise to stop that's gonna be a problem for forever probably oh yeah okay are you sure it's not Adam rolling a pair of dice in his ass yeah there's a constant game of C. Lo occurring in my ass it's what cool oh cool oh C. Lo C. Lo C. Lo yeah it's a bunch of Dominican guys his name was right it's asshole ass holy oh yeah my name's little asshole like that name's already taken fine remember the story that little Bowell got raped by his body guard mm-hmm yeah I thought that was real until like two years it's not real I

think it's real no apparently that was like just it was like a rib removed suck his dick story urban I do think someone got raped in a boy band oh all of them by Lou Perlman little way the urban legend it's not that little Bowell well it's an urban legend it's not that urban it's not that an urban legend that little Bowell got raped it's an urban legend that like that's a story right you know I mean they all got raped mm-hmm right yeah he just didn't get raped in that way I think I think it's his name Shad something someone from Chad I raped I believe Shane Maugham area median Shane Maugham yeah Shane

Maugham Maugham you don't put it on your car that's a good Shane Maugham but you know I don't think a lot of people would know it yeah good guy I'm making a bumper sticker that says pedophilia is not a crime sorry I used to be able to Shane but I haven't spoken to Shane or heard his voice and probably like I guess I saw him a year ago where in LA yeah yeah he consulted on Moshe's show for uh-huh like they did something about psychedelics and had Shane come in and they're like Shane you've destroyed your brain with he's a tripper yeah word but like all that he's like yeah I'm doing like those drugs that are just like

you know like barcodes essentially it's like to UXF you know they're like yeah obscure codex yeah the name of the the drugs design chemicals yeah that you squirting into your fucking why don't you wait until they name the shit first before you start smoking it's a good idea yeah I'm doing to HF CBL yeah I thought you were gonna go the other way where it was like just like a kind of like it's a larva that fuck it you have to eat a spider and then it lays eggs in your bloodstream and then like a day later you trip balls you know what I mean no I don't know you know shit like that we're so I look in toads or whatever yeah

like naturally like that's like I was looking toads that was like when I got really bad was that a newer one it would ball newer in the sense that like after it was I do remember that they were in like their eyes got all big and shit no you're thinking of the one where he eats the chili pepper and goes insane that's still a good episode oh maybe I am no there's one where he goes he's like doing mission work or something what yeah he's like in the in like the jungle or something he's doing work and he starts like licking toads was there a family guy episode about licking toads maybe I think yeah like someone goes

undercover and then somebody may Peter goes undercover to stop them but then he's like he's trying to fuck the young girl or whatever something like that you guys get it yeah that sounds funny he's trying to fuck Meg he's trying he accidentally fucks his daughter no Meg's ugly Meg's ugly and then you can't tell because they all look like the same they'll look the same right I know but in it's clear that whatever and whatever did remember that always confusing me when I was a kid about family yeah they're like Meg's ugly or whatever we asked how can you tell especially because it's Mila Cunis his voice right

you know that's a sex she's hot yeah bad bitch yeah voicing her she's so fun and miss swan is Lois that's true Mo what's her name no no no that's a different no that's the other store one night and I was hanging out with Bobby Lee and fucking some drunk kid is like Bob I can't believe it you know he's like just being really funny this is actually a story about me can I crash with you or one night where I wasn't drunk and this is kids going up and then Bobby's like you're being annoying get out of here and then the kid would eventually like no man I'm just I'm fucking a huge fan I love miss

swan yeah that was a Jewish woman it looks a lot like him to that kid's credit he does look like miss swan yeah that's Bobby Lee's fault for being Cory on who they would have been less problematic probably if they had Bobby Lee do it I guess yeah I guess like honey Chung did he show is the best of all time I saw like a black Twitter meme a couple of months ago that was a picture of Maury and it's like when when you got the baddest Asian bitch the whole hood fuck with you and you're an old Jewish man he carved out yeah carved out a great that was it since we're talking about memes that we enjoy

now there was one at OJ's trial that was like that was Chris Jenner that was like she was at her side you know what's trial with her new man while her husband defended her side you know what whole level 1,000 yeah yeah did you know what I meant by side you know what Nick mm yeah okay mm-hmm yeah cool is that what she called OJ yeah he probably was pretty pissed off here and here in her say that he liked it I want to go how about like that that word but it's side show Bob still voiced by Kelsey damn bitch yeah I want to go hurry up let me bust this nut for your man gets here there's a bar not too far from my

parents house in Vegas where OJ goes and hangs out every single day every day yeah it's called Grape Street lounge for my parents house I just want to go there guys if you want to just start looking up addresses on Grape Street off Grape Street yeah yeah for Freedland Google Freedland Grape Street you might be able to find their number house number I'm sure that OJ did that it was like if I did it the but it was an old interview still dude it was why I didn't watch it no it was was it easy yeah I mean he straight up just admits to how that he killed them and it's like and he made up some hypothetical guy he was like yeah

my friend Jimmy was I'm not even kidding I don't know if it was Jimmy or some dumb-ass name like that or Charlie or some shit and it was just fucking it was insane and then he kept she kept being like where'd you park he was like in the hypothetical I parked down the road and then she's like well what happened who stabbed me was like and then at one point he just laughs he's like sorry to say this in the hypothetical and then he talked about how he stabbed them it was fucking wild dude allegedly just laughing so shout out to OJ for beating that kid you can't try him again dude it's double jab double yeah I love that move

the only way the only way the Tommy Lee fuck her Alex Trebek no twice that's how you get your name that's double Jeopardy the only way to get OJ back in jail he has to fuck out double Jeopardy is a movie about two guys fucking it's Ashley Judd is the girl in this famous hole feels like what is the ass oh try again what is your mouth that's correct Derek the choice is yours I'll take a hand job for 200 the Daily Double they both put their cocks in his ass it's the Daily Double let me go to Alexa live from Peru this small favela is where Alex purchases his child pornography what is Machu Picchu that's correct what did you wager $69 yeah I who got Machu Picchu a mountain it is

that's the only thing I can name yeah yeah it's the only I don't know a town in Peru a fort llama there's hella llamas out there yeah Lima you mean no I think Lima yeah yeah I used to never mind yeah go ahead go ahead say it please say whatever have all the capitals memorized okay what's Surinam I don't know I don't remember now I think it's Surinam is it the capitals yeah I remember that blue two capitals La Paz and sucre La Paz is that just a bunch of gay guys yeah they're all like Poles La Paz it's Brazil Sao Paulo Brasilia they moved in the 70s Brasilia yeah it's like a DC it's like

Sao Paulo or maybe Rio I don't know maybe Sao Paulo yeah damn Brazil is really cool it's like a failed city yeah yeah it's like no but I've like I so it's like you if you were a city yeah exactly yeah yeah oh by the way you never showed us that picture that fucking someone actually sent it to me on a DM where the fuck I gotta find it I'll find it there we go no another lie another lie fucking saying so I'll find it to you I'll find I've been to Guatemala though that's not in South America this is but it is a yes it is what the fuck no it's in Central America that's South America no that's North America actually

Mexico's the last part of North America that's not true it's like all the way down to Columbia is really America yeah interesting I think anything that's not in South America is Central America sorry all the way down to Columbia South America is a pretty like clearly distinct continent Mexico's the last part of North America yeah yeah that's not true well yeah because there's like was a Guatemala and Honduras yeah okay so you don't Costa Rica those are all technically part of North America really yeah interesting Costa Rica San Jose Central America isn't a continent mmm it just means not white people yeah I see I see

I see we're Mexico yeah I want to go to Mexico I saw I saw a Netflix thing about tacos mm-hmm and I'm Mexico city looks tight oh you saw that that David Chang thing dude I went there last yeah dude I did that's amazing scrolling through Netflix and that's the choice you talk as a fat I watched I watched it but I want to watch it's in the zeitgeist shape of water oh here we go a documentary about tacos hell yeah dude you watch shit about power tools or whatever no I don't actually what we love I fucking I don't want shit about whatever man you watch gay shit no I don't actually yeah watch the same movies everyone else does like like

yeah it's the Oscars the Oscars the movie my favorite movie is a Rover Danger Field or whatever I love that movie when I was a kid yeah that was my that was my shit I knew about that before I knew about Rodney danger yeah when I was a little kid I wanted to grow up to be the abusive boyfriend that threw him in the river I want to be that guy heroin addict boyfriend the Italian heroin addict boyfriend that beats up Rodney Dangerfield's owner damn I don't remember that that's how the movie starts really yeah he belongs to some bitch in LA and then her boyfriend like puts the dog in a suitcase and throws them into the

fucking river and he like washes up on a farm who I don't know how I got all I remember is a lot of him tugging at his dog collar his dog collar that's cool great stuff yeah I think I found out about him from back to school though because I was on comedy central in the afternoons like every day I I watched back to school after I knew about Rodney stand up for sure I love that movie so much yeah that's uh what's that I'm I read a blind item that said that Sam Kinnison was murdered by Bill Clinton Sam Kinnison and Bill Clinton like double-team some girl and Bill Clinton accidentally killed the girl I could see

that big Willie was a fucking straight-up rapist dude what what makes you think he wouldn't like slick Willie slick Willie what's the woman Juanita something we need a broader yeah Matthew Broderick's mom Matthew Broderick right Matthew Broderick as well killed the woman that's the thing that was it was a retaliation for killing Bill Clinton's yeah side bitch he killed a what's her name oh gray what's that actress name did he can't didn't he kill what's her name oh I don't know who he killed Matthew Broderick now I killed he killed the cold brown Simpson no I don't know Sarah Jessica Parker yeah he

killed Alicia Silverstone apparently she her pussy doesn't work who's Sarah Jessica Parker George Washington I saw her on the Kimmel the other night she's she's frigid and she lets Matthew Broderick Inspector Gadget any other woman he wants for real no I mean her pussy doesn't work it's a hole she doesn't she can't get wet or something the solution in there dude was a little bleach gasoline in that some fucking a only frigid okay and if anyone wants to debate me on it on I'll be here we mean frigid frigid frigid doesn't mean your pussy doesn't work yeah it does that's the medical term no way if it is no

chance yes it is like a cold person her pussy is frigid does not mean they're busy six degrees Fahrenheit 12 years where your pussy drives out all the way I think I think yeah it's a thing I'm seeing items dickitis yeah you got a nice Jack's not true pussy Matador pussy it looks like a prune I'm gonna look up frigid there's no way it means that means frigid I know what it means but I don't know words frigid pussy mm-hmm you should yeah yep it's a metaphoric anyway also isn't Matthew Broderick gay he's married to Sarah Jessica Parker I know that should be that's that's evidence enough maybe

that's why her pussy is so dry because he's been fucking her ass for so what's the what is the ass what is actually what is what is he's been fucking her asshole for so long because he's a closeted man okay our judges are gonna let you have it dry pussy disease yeah let me know what you find it's just a picture of Sarah Jessica vaginal dryness causes and moisturizing treatments web MD nice nice normally the walls of vagina stay lubricated nice with a thin layer of clear fluid the hormone estrogen helps maintain that fluid and keeps aligning your vagina healthy thick and elastic

mm-hmm fuck I love a thick pussy a drop in estrogen levels reduces when the pressure available can happen any age from a number of different causes cause number one it may seem like a minor irritation but the lack of vaginal moisture can have a huge impact on your sex life yeah fortunately the treatments are available to relieve vaginal dryness like getting your pussy ate yeah for a couple of for a nice long amount of time yeah sitting back getting your pussy ate letting letting Stavi go to work actually that's my part-time job is doctors call me in to eat sometimes

I'm prescribed to eat a pussy yeah and you go into the dryest you go to the driest pussies mm-hmm sometimes yeah and I make it nice with $30 an hour to eat a pussy you use an applicator to get the cream in your vagina what kind of cream like Twinkie filling this S-stracer premarin I would say why don't you go that brown shit from Cinnabon mm-hmm that's a good ass pretty sticky and gooey the that's your pussy yeah but he gets sticky remember the grapefruit trick video yeah of course a woman with a with a Cinnabon that'd be pretty cool stop would you get that would I get sucked off yeah yeah like the Cinnabon

around my car is it related searches dry vagina home remedies but vagina is spelled V I G I N A yeah that sounds like a medical website great female dryness cure why am I dry down there all of a sudden how to get really wet naturally dry vaginal discharge it's nice to know that you know sometimes men can't get hard but sometimes women can't get wet yeah for medical reasons mm-hmm but it's a much easier because there's lube you just throw a little lube in there mm-hmm there's no there's no equivalent for men I would love it you know how there's hard shell like coating for ice cream yeah why don't they have

that where you pour it over your cock yeah yeah you just have a fake penis on top of your regular one no it's a thin layer yeah I remember that was like one of the first shows I wrote it's me my friend were in a sex shop and we saw like the strap yeah I saw a strap on for guys with micro penis well it was a picture on the front of the box is a guy wearing the strap inside the day that's a real thing wait is there is like is there also a blue dick in there and a black one and a yellow one and they they formed a bigger dick to fight whatever Rita repulsive has sent to earth I think I remember the punch on being

like no no let's use the bigger oh yeah yeah something like that let's use the bigger dick yeah okay imagine me like yeah great oh wow this is great I'm so happy for you you're just fucking the inside I feel so close to you yeah that was that was an early hit I like that bit dude you do 16 years old baby playing the hits hidden my dick um yeah dude there is a what's that what was I saying along the lines of dildos that you fuck or something about a harsh I said that thing about a hard shell candy coating over your cock mm-hmm yeah mm-hmm like for ice cream Sunday exactly who could have used that dick is Stephen Hawking

who I made fun of on Instagram and people are getting mad I don't understand we're mad at you you didn't make fun of him like this is a bad take I did make fun of him would you say nothing I just made some joke at the expense of Stephen Hawking which I could get to who cares yeah yeah it is impressive don't come in with your bullshit on Instagram yes that's for Twitter get back on Twitter mm-hmm you know mm-hmm stay the fuck off in stay off Instagram Instagram is for hanging out with friends it's just chill now it's like my space now yeah yeah but seriously showing titties on DMs so if I am sorry that Stephen Hawking died dude

I know it's hard for you he's tough dude as a man of science as a man who loves the cosmos yeah as someone that's read all eight Harry Potter books yeah I'm really sorry yeah my man was so fucked up I also like that this motherfucker has the audacity right a book called a brief history of time and the shit's like a hundred and seventy pages long yeah how about why don't you give me give me the gist yeah I'm saying I mean I don't got all day to listen to your fucking captain me for 15 hours details you fucking robot bitch yeah machine fuck yep get him dude fuck yeah fuck your Mario Kart ass body he was so fucked up

looking yeah now the New York Times that the headline was Stephen Hawking dead at 76 which it should have been Stephen Hawking finishes dying and then the caption under it was like it was the author and physicist explored the cosmos from a wheelchair you know it's just so funny that they had to oh by the way he was in a wheelchair Stephen Hawking author physicist wheelchair dead 76 there's like a self-righteous post that people were sharing today which was like yeah most Americans can't name a scientist like 76 percent of Americans can't name a scientist but the 24% they can like it was something like half of

them knew Stephen Hawking then down the list it was like Neil deGrasse Tyson was number two there was like 8% of people and then number four I think was Dr. Oz yeah I don't know any more scientists I guess Carl Sagan right how about Albert Einstein yeah Einstein the guys DNA stole from a woman Dr. Oz Joseph Mangley fuck it fuck it's in Crick yeah Lawrence and Crick right the nation what about the bitch that got cancer from radiology what from Ray about Jane good good all yeah the woman that invented having sex with them right no I don't think so they turned on her and ripped her pussy off maybe it was too

dry they got mad I was thinking that argument to somebody frigid maybe was on the show yeah what I might have just said it on the show what what well then I don't believe in evolution because like if we came from chimps like why did we lose the ability to rip people's hands off yeah you kill everyone kills each other too quick when you get smart no I would I would prefer to have the vestigial ability to rip people's hands off at well of course you would well wasn't it that we didn't come from them but we had a common and imagine imagine you get pulled over by a police officer and they're like can I see your idea and

you go oh yeah sure and you go to hand it to him and you just rip his hands right off he's already ripped your hands off no I'm the ape he doesn't know he's also as a police officer he's a Christian and he doesn't believe in evolution only me with my ape strength of rip that cop's hands right off so you're saying we don't have a strength because we don't believe in evolution yeah it's evolution about faith it's basically you have to believe it it's like Peter Pan right doesn't fly yeah you have to think nice thoughts mm-hmm I love that that's the theme of Peter Pan it's like just don't think about raping children you can do

anything keep raping them having trouble getting hard mm-hmm just think nice thoughts like the FBI agents on your case losing your file in a fire that must have been really nice for pedophiles like right after 9-11 when they were like each other for a sec the FBI is gonna go real like gonna go off on Muslim time to go to fucking Thailand what if the pet here's my I think October you think October 2011 was a big Thailand tourist what if it was a what if it was inside Halloween in the United you're right you're right that's a good but you know what they get back just in time for Halloween they go last week of September

couple you know I mean that's that'd be a great how Stella got her groove back screenplay just bunch of pedophiles after 9-11 we should do like a what's it called spare chain this one is bullshit boomer you know rediscovering yourself movies yeah higher soundtrack is nothing but like fucking Motown yes that I refuse to let I got sunshine you're like I thought you said this was DSL that song there's 20 little boys lined up and they're like it's a trying it's a trying it on montage but it's like different types of bondage that they're

different like masks and leather and shit or pedophiles into that I think the very extreme ones are if you want to be the highest level pedophile you got to do it all the highest level you can't use just some guy on the top of the mountain sitting in a lotus position it doesn't seem to be fucking a kid at all and then he turns around there's a whole kid his head like this like this like Rorschach or like fucking like like a monk guy going to prison for raping kids and he's in there and like he's not saying anything to anyone in all the other prisoners like we're gonna fuck you up and he's just walking down

the hallway very calm you know and then finally somebody corners him in like a cell and they throw him up against the wall and they bend them over and they start fucking his ass and like you know the head guys like yeah how's that feel baby rapist and then he's like oh man this guy's ass is so tight like he's like I can't pull my dick out and they're like help me you know the old man is like smiling right and then the guy like pulls his dick out and pulls an entire baby out of the guy's ass and the baby is stuck to his dick and he's like now who's the baby and then the guy he's like I didn't mean to guys you want to know how I got these scars yeah that's good yeah those are good three minutes maybe it's

probably 30 seconds 17 seconds you have no concept of time well I never read a brief history mind as a love as a lover of scientists and the stars I know exactly how much time has passed yeah I say I was pissed cuz I thought that book was all gonna be about like rollies you know clocks mm-hmm watches Tom pieces yeah Robin jeans you know what I'm saying yes yes yeah let's talk about escalates 22 inch rims yeah woodgrain dashboard mm-hmm what is that about just the big bang or some shit yeah yeah it's like like pop Psy in cosmology I guess okay yeah whatever dude the guy fucked from the chair yeah

but he's being kept alive by pornography for the last like 30 years he cheated on his wife right with the nurse with his nurse yeah which is more impressive than knowing dumb gay shit about science yeah that's a dana gold bit what is it he said I don't know he's a dana gold is like the best at like setting things up like he's gonna make some real point and then yeah and then yeah it's just a retarded punch line yeah like the fucking black dolly and yeah he's like I'm amazed by like the the like the ability of the human will take professor Stephen Hawking for example here's a man who cannot speak

who cannot walk with his own you know where ever and he's still managed to find a way to cheat on his wife yeah I mean that is incredible yeah he looked so fucked up it's one of the most amazing things weird little limp ass dick and looking at it fucked up fucked up can we please can we please get you a wheelchair that is the next one dear dude lost of my fucking legs toothless stop yeah you're gonna be a walley guy by the end of your life no I will fill a job double we have no my my my hunches are too powerful for that I can't lose my body I do have I think Dasha was saying to me the other day how much she

does not like what do you call your legs I have powerful hunches I can't I can't do anything about that if she doesn't like the truth what do you want from me haunches they are disgusting disgusting they're muscular they're fucking the basis for a great man to the foundation that a that a Titan walks upon I'd like to see you going at a tackle dummy like a fucking up combine kind of scenario get up dude you're talking to Baltimore Polytechnic Institute's starting nose tackle okay in 2006 what are those things where it's like you push them and they go are those tackle dummies I know whatever I don't fucking know dude but

listen I'll fuck anybody up you know try to get me between me in that quarterback you got nothing coming pal I mean um yeah you know those tackle I thought was oh yeah that's like the you go against the center on defense yep okay that's right where do we have 30 minutes should we take a break no no yeah we're not taking a break we're just gonna go right into it folks haunches disgusting word something that's very easy to cover up with beautiful set of fucking underinos for Mack Weldon dot com home of underwear for large men small men men of any size very of any race very few brands of underwear can cover my powerful

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come come down and we're back with our guest Pat Buchanan and we're talking about you know day labor is getting right about that I think it's good yeah that's good that's good sure that sounds like someone other than you that's the first step to doing impressions it's good to do that I got a couple that I'm about I'm Pat Buchanan that's Nixon right Nixon yeah cool it's cool to like Nixon now right no no I think it's you don't realize that other people don't spend all day long worrying about what opinions are not cool to have what are you talking about you don't really pitch for fuck are we supposed to like Nixon

today no don't live in thinking about Nixon yeah people who don't live in Brooklyn and aren't ironically wearing crocs with socks around the house these are house shoes no they're crocs and you know how she will socks and you thought oh Nick and stop are gonna love this I wasn't wearing them for you they look stupid of course you're for me you're wearing them for us you're gonna take a nice stroll over to Prospect Park in cool Brooklyn everything you know eat them fucking hot fire funions or whatever snack you don't even what else is cool nowadays Adam yeah playing fortnight because you heard black kids play yep

that's true for tonight I just suck at it what I don't even know what fortnight is you play like I'm the only member of the gaming community like arriving in this little world and then you have to collect weapons and like shields and stuff and then the world gets smaller and smaller until you're the last person left that sounds a lot like my regular life yeah yeah exactly yeah you have to kill everything becomes a prison yeah but apparently a lot of you know NBA players and black teenagers like it so it's fun I'm just gonna get a shooting game I've got the little headset on you guys like Richard Nixon they did they

said yes it's pretty cool how he went he was probably the only one that could go to China yeah cuz it like you know and then they're like yeah that's true you also passed all of our environmental laws yeah it was a Quaker yeah it's wild yeah my man he know me a lot in up in his he was only he was the only president from Cali nice to Reagan Reagan's from Cali Reagan was from Illinois no but he was governor of California yeah it was that count he didn't grow up in California no but not like Nixon do you right now I like you'll chill Cali vibe yeah yeah just eating a chilling my time did what

someone tweeted a screen cap of it that line from Encino man at the end like was it Christian he was like the emotional part of Encino man where he's like yeah life isn't just about chilling grindage and her nugs chilling and grindage I don't know man I can't think about Encino man or Biodome without thinking about that story about Paulie short nutting on the couch he seems like a chill bloke yeah it's definitely you know who's you know what has is like the hallmark definitely a telltale sign of someone that's cool somebody whose mom owns a comedy club and and contrived their entire comedy

career by giving them spots yeah he's still trying to fuck real hard off of that Raya right he's like one of the celebrities the like is always trying to hey man shoot your shot I guess Dustin Diamond they let that motherfucker on no I'm not sure yeah you should get on Raya even though I have a girlfriend I want to get on Raya you know I'm trying to get on Gaia you know I'm talking about Gaia online yeah no not maybe you said in person not a guy for like Gaia the oh like Gaia Gaia was like some eternal life force actually have no idea what Gaia is I just ten

years ago used to make jokes about people who were on Gaia what is it was like a free mother is like a free MMO or some shit hmm that would would play or something massive multi was like maple story maple story was another thing it was like I don't know what that is a free MMO RPG that people would play was that like World of Warcraft something like that but even Gaia I know like you're like a damn that's really gay person that goes around like collecting apples that fall off trees or whatever sounds kind of nice yeah that's good sounds kind of like you know calming and soothing can

you make can you make ciders with the apples and pies you know it's weird as ciders are easier to make than apple juice why do you think why is that why you would think the juice would be the easier one and ciders would be a more complicated how do you make a cider I think you just fuck up the apples yeah boil the apples and mash them up and that to me seems easy that's it no straining involved yeah it is easier why is cider bubbly what like why is it why you carbonated yeah oh they it's carbonated afterwards I think so yeah what the fuck you motherfuckers haven't had ciders that aren't bubbly you just

open up a fucking thing of apple cider from the store it's not Martin we should go to a fucking apple orchard they smell really good cider it's too late that's not for this season it's yeah that's a fall thing any season that's an end of summer thing right yeah I could completely forgot what time of year it was yes I was I'm so about Stephen Hawking that I'm I'm forgetting time well time is a circle or whatever he said that's like a cool thing to say nowadays is it nothing black no check your spreadsheet of cool things that's why I said it I set you up to like did you didn't yeah I'm pulling all the

strings yes I am you don't realize you're pulling maybe the ones at the bank I wish oh yeah mm-hmm yep yep yeah we go we go we know the score you guys ever remember when it cartoons would pull the string pull one string and then they'd be naked like there's like one string hold on do you guys know when cartoons pull once you know what I'm saying yeah I don't yeah yeah it's like it was like a sight gag we know I don't know what you're there's a there's a loose thread hanging off a cartoon shirt or something mm-hmm and they would pull it and then it'd be like you just see the dick and pussy yes but no but it would be you know

as a comedic effect was this some Greek cartoon oh man I'll be vindicated when this comes out this is a common I just remember cartoons when someone was naked they'd wear a barrel that was like a big thing I remember somebody opening a door and then a woman would scream yes yeah that was a thing yeah women are just hanging out rooms naked yeah yeah they are yeah it's up to you to find them well that's what the fifties were well for going in a row in a room find a woman find a naked whatever and he whatever goes man twist and shout woman's nipples yeah we're going to twist again that guy went to jail the

twist guy yeah for for nipples off we have women's nipples who's saying we love to do I love that story about like Ray maybe we'd like feel women's risks to tell how beautiful they were but it's like he's just checking to see if they're fat really yeah that rocks yeah what's his name again Ray what Charles Ray Charles yeah I thought for a second you met Ray Romano yeah I did all right let me feel your wrist what's that me what's a terrible Ray Romano that's my rare I'm gay but he does have that you know a throat thing can you do a bridegarette that's a great one the

sakes impression you're doing right now I feel like it's like I didn't even say so many people are hoping to say it say it real it's the real me what is that Nick yeah I won't do it Nick's gone actually yeah using that defense in court what if you don't is Mark Simpson yeah you that she gets the passage he has a yes I love that we pissed her off we had episode where Lenny pissed her off Carl yeah yeah I love that we're a part you'll always be my special little guy I love you but right now you're acting like you're pulling

your shirt down yeah you know dude we're back on the couch we've been recording at a table in real chairs now that we're back on the couch sitting in the lab sure doll so I'm sure you just look like Ezekiel Elliott yeah dude I got the little half shirt about beat wad you know that's why they're at every day his Felix can do master shake he can yeah I'm gay yeah no way not even close I'm bad I'm pretty close it's a good show that sucked my yeah it was cool 15 years ago I could be like well what's your what's your pitch for the show it's like okay we just smoke way too much and then the animation studio has to make

the things that we say fuck is that still on TV I'm sure yeah yeah that episode where master shake realizes that the happy birthday song is copyrighted so he makes a new birthday song oh yeah yeah I remember that wild and Getty Lee damn Zach Wilde there's such a good pool yeah I was born's late in career that video Zach Bowser he's on stage and he's like he's like and fuck Fred Durst and fuck all that wigger bullshit hell yes we know what you mean we know what you want to say man that boy is that wild dude that boy wild Zach's wild and out they should have Zach's wild and out where he's screaming at Nick Hanna for doing

all that wigger bullshit yeah no I'm saying I don't have any problem of black people when they act like fucking wiggers there's two types of black fucking there's black folks there's black folks and then there's the wakers and the wiggers are coming through and ruining everything for all the normal black fuck dude that's awesome man God bless Zach Wilde and his weird um that little guitar that was a bull's eye you guys remember that I wanted to get one of them triangle electric guitarist yeah that's right but I got an Ibanez I got a I got a regular fender I wanted to be in a band for like two years of my life

so bad dude well you can't be in the nick of my band yeah we're having tryouts if you want to be in your gas well you're not in it so sorry I'm gonna be my own band guess what kind of band it is it's called Mathis and Joe Brown baby we haven't decided which one is yeah but we both do real talk as we like set we fucking yell at people that makes sense and people the old black ladies in the in the gallery nod because we're speaking truths yeah it's nice read your book Joe Brown went to jail judge Mathis Mathis if I could if I could hop in which judge would I have to be then Judy Judy seems like the obvious choice

yeah what about this judge Alex yeah hey well look at that judge Alex is cool he's like a judge Alex is the only judge that fucks he definitely fucks oh yeah for sure he's a good-looking guy he's picking up moms from soccer practice our judge shows still on bigger minivan they drive there I don't see a man I watch a lot of like just daytime yeah I don't see you when in my room I put my TV on all day long while I get my my writing done when I write my my memoirs I remember when my diary when my ex-girlfriend was getting an abortion and I was in the waiting room nice judge Mathis was playing on the TV it was just

me and all the degenerate guys paying for abortions in the later of it he was yeah he was yelling at some dude about child support payments there do you feel guilty about murdering an innocent child yep I do consider it to be a life and that is why I'm getting a teardrop sassy on my face I killed that motherfucker dude that's fucked up man I'm very pro-ass life are you oh yeah I want to get on I want to get Caprice classic tattooed above on my right-ass cheek mm-hmm and then Chevrolet on the other one you know so it looks like the back of the yeah back of the Caprice oh yeah that way people know yeah I got a v8 ass in

jail they know not to fuck with me how many horsies how many pony kind of what kind of gas will your asshole accept these are unleaded wow I love stuff's a podcasting stance right this is Zen podcasting I'm not lying down I'm not making eye contact with anyone have my eyes closed yeah it's definitely good to put as little effort as possible yeah I'm gonna give you the Arabian goggles what's that nuts across my not so nuts on the sleeping eye you'll never do that bitch if you ever dream of doing that that's what the ISIS flag is it's a detailed description of the you're doing a step-by-step that's when when

there's a global caliphate what are the written language Arabic Arabic yeah it looks kind of tight it looks cool it looks made up right backwards and shit that's use aren't isn't it don't use right backwards use you right here is backwards to yeah Arabic in Hebrew never speak Hebrew did anyone like they did way back Hebrew was like a dead no it's not yeah no one's ever spoken Hebrew ever I know but they brought it back right brought it back in like some hard bullshit right yeah now it's like a you know spoken yeah that's kind of impressive that they did that though yeah well they made like but like because

there was they use like biblical Hebrew to make a new language like half of the words are like just computer Dora or whatever you know they're just like the they just had something a sexy robot you can fuck computer Dora a computer I don't even know if that's how you say computer yeah that's my name of my autistic wife are you home from the podcast yes dear did you make dinner yes we're having toast thank you my love don't touch my ears I love you computer Dora yeah what I love you it's an emotion oh I'm gonna be playing maple story in the bathroom don't touch my swatches don't touch my velcro on the

bathroom playing me fuck what did they what did you use to speak then Yiddish in Europe yeah mmm it's a funny language yeah it's it's really gay so sounds like something like a nice photo yesterday there was like an orthodox guy with this just awful posture just like completely looked literally spineless and you know he's got like Dr. Eggman's body yeah and he's got his phone held all the way up I love that look he's like glaring at the you know and his fucking like just chin pressed in his torso glaring at the phone and I was laughing so hard imagining that he was just zooming in on a picture of a penny

chance yeah oh fuck computer Dora I want to have sex with computer Dora your wife yeah I've calmed I finished coming please exit me so stop are you excited for the apparently according to hair loss talk this is supposed to be the biggest year for that Italian cream yeah brats the brats who hair loss cream is the big and new item nicks back on the hair loss boy when I see it my hair started shedding yeah I believe when I see it dude yeah I would love to get you some Italian thick I'm gonna keep getting you rude gifts hey man if you buy me like a 400 I wear it I've used the pump just out of

curiosity just to try what does it do how does it does it hurt to make does it make you calm no I mean I use I put it on my soft dick for a day I felt like I felt guilty that I hadn't used it and I was like kind of busy draw draw bath no I don't just put it over your cock and pump it no it's a water you supposed to use it oh yeah wait really it's the bathmate it needs to be immersed in water yeah you gotta use it in the best for like a that's good that would oh my god no I didn't travel cock pump dude I need some on the go read the instructions of course I didn't read the they were in

German why would I mean of course you didn't read the instruction you figure it's a cock pump what the fuck I didn't expect there to be like steps but you put your cock in and you pump it it should be so what is the water I read the instructions for everything I've never read the instructions for anything in my life Nick likes reading instructions I love things except my dinner was dinners I love reading instructions I hate to be told what to do you know face consequences oh yeah yeah computer doors gonna fucking spank you if you know what she says well anyway it's out of the make you come or no no I put I

basically just put my soft cock in it for and did it like pull it in a very funny way sort of it did I don't know I just I didn't know I'm gonna give it another shot when I'm like was it like was your soft cock like pulled up like was it like really it started to get it I think it started was it in it hard in a weird way I wasn't that aroused it kind of hurt it hurt that's that was my question I would say is it would be much easier to get jerked off to get hard than to put put in a cock pump yeah but what about the technology there's true wasn't now that I know it's a water pump I'm gonna draw a nice bubble bath right

there on the front of the box I didn't read the box dude I took it out of the box at the time I don't read I like so I like that you have the ability to not read words that you can turn off your brain's ability to process letters I don't think you know that must be difficult dude no it's easy to not save a lot of time how will you know when you've arrived at Chipotle if you can't read the sign by the smell I close I don't even know I don't even fucking I don't even look I close my eyes when I go to Chipotle anytime I go to a restaurant I close my eyes and I like well anyway I don't care about the pump

I'm more interested in you trying out that you gotta use it I'll use it once I guess it looks like dinosaur bones I don't want to use it but I will for the pod because I'm a team player I wonder if the guy who makes it you I'm sure uses them for sure sure it's he he needs just the biggest strongest cock of all time he needs to sort of spread the guy for a picture of his cock proof that I mean he was so mad at me when I asked him if they had a book in my 20 years yeah but yes I will just going back to your original point I would I would definitely use some kind of hair cream to grow my beautiful luscious

yeah sorry I was trying to Google this you curly hair had a nice curl yeah me too what he gets along grow it out man prove it I did dude I grew it out a couple years stupid it looked really bad I got a bob it looks horrible yeah I got I looked like the print of the the midget prince from Shrek the short guy what's his name John let's go was he a counter a king I think he was I don't remember France but I remember either cuz my dick is too hard yeah here we go the big bad awesome Bratsu lotion fact hair loss talk forums okay since the main thread keeps going what is Bratsu lotion it's a lotion created by Italian

doctors Giovanni Bratsu I'm already in my fucking cock and getting a werewolf dude it's such a funny world I love that Balding can't be cured like no matter what no matter what they try it just doesn't work yeah because it's like it's like such as like it really affects people like on a psychological yeah and like destroys their lives but it's so quotidian that you can't really feel bad for them it'd be like if women's if I go quotidian look at mr. big nice ubiquitous it's a thing that happens yeah every day I know you bit with us you know anyways yeah it would be like if women got breast cancer like every

single woman got breast cancer at like 23 and they had to get a tit cut off and then like then all media was filled like with people being like you fuck that one titted bitch you know like are you tired of only having one titty like if Elaine was missing a tit on Seinfeld yeah instead of where she got a fake tit and everyone was like gross that's what baldness is it's like cancer mm-hmm I think it's the stakes are just as high as breast cancer and baldness yeah yeah it's equally as dangerous yeah yeah yeah I would give millions of women breast cancer if I could have my hair back yeah whatever dude I would wear maybe you

know damn just a life where I have beautiful thick luscious yeah dude I'm telling you that Italian hair cream I mean I could just grow my hair out well Bratz is supposed to have a conference next month because you know we go I look at I look at I look at pharmaceuticals to see who's got like you know research pipelines like hair loss stuff and anything that seems like it's effective I look monitor just the stock price or whatever because I'm going to have to start investing at some point and invest in what I know about investing is you want to pick one stock mm-hmm put every ride it dollar you yeah yeah yeah

based on wild speculation and then if you hair loss dips even a little bit sell everything yeah sell everything as soon as you incur any kind of loss immediately immediately solidify that loss by selling every single fucking share you have fuck yeah damn I'm excited dude I hope because you know what I like I don't even think I'm gonna go bald but it would be nice to that would be like a fun thing for them to cure you know I think men deserve a win yeah this year baldness yeah yeah we're gonna kick baldness's ass yeah fuck baldness doing like a 5k we should we should literally start a fucking

charity there's no like the money's not going to cure there's no treatment we just kind of raise a bunch of knockout baldness by them all hats yeah we get them visors with where it looks like there's hair oh yeah those little silly visors yeah like it looks like you have wacky hair wacky I think I think you want to hear something that's gonna be cool again yeah not cool yet hey I go ahead visors I think visors they can come gonna come back I guess no I think visors next to next well for you maybe not very dumb actually you would look like a retarded McDonald's employee you said nah like I was like I can't wait

to wear a fucking visor nah like that's why you hate visors cuz you know maybe I'm dumb I'm gonna get I'm gonna get into visors this summer summer look that's fine 2018 with so now that I'm toothless I'm thinking what I'm gonna get into is overalls no shirt one undone two yeah yeah one that's exactly that's what I call my penis like a retard from drop drop dead gorgeous retard that's my cock Parker Posey looks so good in that movie yeah I would smash I look so good in that movie I green screened myself into dropping gorgeous and I masturbate to two-hour movie I made with just you standing on the side yeah just waving I

added myself masturbating in the back oh you're jacking out Titanic oh drawing Rose yeah I thought it'd be so funny if you could and it was not even really that funny but like you take that scene from Titanic and you edit it so you see like you know Jack drawing Rose and then it pans out and then you see Rose on the couch but you like Photoshop address onto her mm-hmm so that it's just she's there where he's drawing titties draw your make that's solid yeah that's cool fuck I liked what the movie Titanic you know I was just listening to fuck about shy tannic you know and it's about like about Chicago I go was tight and yeah

that's a good idea yeah yeah Chicago shit is hot yeah you got a shy rack you gotta you got shy rack that was like that movie from four years ago yeah Chicago you got I want an Oscar you got Chicago a mere max pictures Richard gear your museum you got chief chief one of the best one of the hottest rappers everyone's talking about the Richard gear museum is that a real museum yeah there's a gerbil wing it's in the Willis tower the top floor is all like the Richard there's like a whole it's like the gerbil experience wing where you go and you're on a wheel for a while and then you're like in wood chips taking a

shit right in the last room as you go into his asshole yeah it's it's what's funny is you could have gotten stopped to believe that there was a Richard gear museum at the Willis tower if you didn't say that gerbil yeah you'd be like seriously oh is there not a museum no I didn't think it was in the fucking Willis tower but who knows man you thought there was a Richard gear museum shut up bitch Liberace was your obvious ass fucking gerbil joke Liberace was a fucking actual not a gay guy according to fifth grade that's kind of a shitty actor that got way too much work every gay guy get some museum yeah that's true I guess

you're right what the fuck would be in the Richard gear yeah I know stuff from every movie yeah off is there is somebody walking around with a mothman prophecies bug I don't think it was like a big museum like it's like a room yeah yeah shit all right I got my days of heaven snow globe at the Richard gear museum I don't know the fuck I would be a whole part about him not not jizzing right or something that's sting no it's Richard gear too I don't think so he hasn't just in 30 years I think I would see the whole thing his ballsack is like a suitcase he's a Buddhist right yeah yeah it's a Buddhist but there would be

some Buddhist shit in there yeah you can I'm just saying man there's little fucking shrines to off guys that's great dude I should get back into just meditative and not dealing with any yeah you're a Buddhist in high school right no not in high school and I was never really a Buddhist I would just I got into likes and meditation yeah because it really is good for like if you don't have much control over your own fucking head yeah and you got a lot of mental problems yeah if you guys have to have like just at least like one part of the week or day or whenever where you have like some actual ability to like not

being a fucking like destructive downward spiral mm-hmm at will you know you can choose to just ignore things for 45 minutes or whatever like it just demonstrates an ability to reign in you know your anxiety or whatever that's why I pussy yeah forget who I am well now that I'm in the bond I got I got some I got trees now I should probably going okay we'll see you know bonds I dream yeah yeah yeah you can smoke it well they the two of them sprouted and I guess it was like legalized it's like the like the I thought they did it wrong because the seed sprouted above the soil so I like repotted it upside down but then

just had the roots and then I looked online it was supposed to be that way so I'd then dug it up again and put it back it's probably killed that you got a real green phone yeah yeah yeah I have a bunch of plants that I that have been growing in my window sill yeah they're getting big I got to repot them bitches and bigger pots yeah well I looked I so like I you know everyone's like oh well bonzai takes like patience or whatever it's gonna take like six years till those are ever looking like trees oh that sucks and they're like six inch trees they're tiny little tiny trees yeah just look like plants for years and years

and years until until it looks like a tree like trees yeah I guess well it's all about in years fuck that Japanese are all about baby yeah I'm gonna be like a six-year-old man with like a bunch of cool trees from when I was like 28 years old and you'll be remembering the times do you the wild kind of good maybe I'll get some yeah well it is it is like that's why bonzai is cool is because you know you get to just waste your life looking at tiny trees but then it's like you know what else are you gonna do um order Thai food yeah I did that yesterday take a bunch of Adderall yes bonzai bonzai helps pull you out of the rat

race you know what I mean it's true you feel like this this pain in existence we all live we do not especially money yeah what's that shit they do with like sand and then they like like rain garden that's a Zen garden mm-hmm like you have bonzai's you get one of those is the Richard gear museum yeah dude I'm saying I would I would pop into the Richard gear museum for a little bit yeah if they actually had one I would see why there was a Richard gear yeah I would get plane tickets for the three of us to Chicago I mean of course it'd be interesting if it actually existed but if I was like let's say there was no

such thing as the Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile right and I was like yeah there's a car a shape like a hot dog that goes around promoting the world's shittiest hot dogs yeah you'd be like seriously like no you fucking idiot what would be the point of that and then they actually made one and no that's no that you just prove yourself wrong no I didn't yes you did no I did what was what how am I wrong because you didn't you don't dream to imagine I don't dream to imagine what you don't yes you don't you don't dare I'm sorry you don't dare to imagine you know if you told me that thing with the Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile and it

didn't exist I'd be like great can't wait to fucking see it you tell me the thing about Richard gear museum I'm like oh that's stupid but that's cool stranger things have happened you know I'd love to go yeah you know the deleted scene where he actually penetrates Julia Roberts and pretty woman I'd like to see that did you do that oh yeah whoa that's because I dreamed to believe you dreamed to penetrate to he fucks Julia Roberts in the deleted scenes and that's part of what's in the Richard gear museum does that actually is there a video of him penetrating Julia Roberts yes well I don't know I mean you can see

fucking Christopher Lambert's balls and fortress yeah well in the world with a Richard gear museum exists yeah there is video of that that's the world I live in Nick okay yeah a beautiful world where you could see his dick going to about about this because they're worried about doing numbers at the Richard gear museum they have the gear in space museum oh space museum featuring Richard gear yep that's like that's a fucking that's a two for that's perfect that's exactly that's a great idea and gear in space it just becomes a dumb ass idea for museum if it's just Richard gear to a very good deal yeah right cuz then you

got you got Richard gear and you got spade you go see the like I believe by 19 by the end of the decade we will put a man on the moon yeah you just go into the next room and it's like but it's some kind of moth man yeah and then what's the one where his wife cheats on him unfaithful yeah yeah that's we talked about that the other day I used to check off that was a hot movie she really gets pounded out by that guy by that Spanish guy and then he kills her at the end he does yeah and he got that he kills him he kills the the other man oh Richard gear kills the guy yeah oh that's cool the other guy and Diane Lane gets railed

the fuck out in like a staircase oh I used to check off to that sounds pretty good all the time Diane Lane's married to Josh Josh Berlin yeah hmm yeah no country for old men yeah no pussy for gay Nick no he got you honestly he got it yeah yeah that's what I like to call fate fatality mm-hmm fuck Talady fuck Talady thank you I'm mad now sorry dude no pussy for gay I like and use it against me and a very I know starring my close friend you said good set to you yeah he said great job man wow that must have felt cool yeah I did that was a highlight of my comedy career and trust me I've had a lot of peaks Montreal seven

years ago yes seven years ago are you serious that's how fucking long ago I did Montreal that's hilarious who is your year wait hold on Joe list 2018 DeVito Joe is you yeah yeah me Joe list DeVito Ray Romano Jim Kerry mm-hmm shaggy green all shaggy green yeah Don Rickles Carl Marx whoa he was one of the Marx brothers yeah I fucked with Harpo which was a the one that looks like you bro he's the one that like the curls and he was a clown bro took her name from she's her name supposed to be Harpo backwards that's sure love the Marx brothers yeah I don't want to get problematic but the

she's those people are always stealing yeah people from Chicago yeah yeah I want everyone to look under your seats it's two tickets to the Richard dear museum you're going to the Richard dear museum you're going to the Richard dear museum sounds fucking great man I don't know the fuck you guys are on the Richard dear museum I would love to go there we should probably in the episode yeah yeah what's that what is the weekend yeah episode yeah this is a regular today episode it's going up in a couple hours we're trying to add an extra show in Boston but you know the first one's probably gonna be pretty bad to be

honest with you I'm not feeling I'm kind of getting out of sand up again that's funny dude I kind of feel that way too it's sold out you'll never know what that feels like Adam I've sold out multiple times never sold out yes I have my my late show is not sold out yet guys at the good good comedy theater on the 17th this Saturday motherfucking St. Patrick's Day yeah do you bring him some ice cream sandwiches that's what he wants please don't bring him some of that good kids yeah if you have everybody out there if you you want you all flood Stav's inbox with pictures of ice cream no no DM him that make him have to search

through pages and pages of ice cream that will certainly set him off on a relapse before he can find it literally yesterday was the first day in like three weeks I have not had ice cream so please don't do that so the 17th yeah this Saturday please come out to that still takes to the 11th 30 and maybe one or two to the 10 o'clock so please get those and you know come say what's up to your boy and fill in the ill of Delph and I'm getting my fucking I'd also like to plug my biopsy which is tomorrow so if you're in the north oh yeah I'm excited to see how that turns out yeah hashtag stop strong if you're in the

North Bergen area yeah in County mm-hmm North Bergen that's like by upstate New York is it I think maybe it's in Jersey I don't fucking know yeah but it's an hour from here and if you want to buy me a surprise country I hope my mouth's not too fucked up but they're slicing into that shit so you and then you have a show two nights later and I'll be fine when they play that yeah they you asked yeah you can talk the day of but it's kind of hurts and then the next day you're fine okay how about this a guy Opsie you know where they cut your dick off that you're a dude to make sure you're gonna have to test it to make

sure it's not a fake day yeah yeah I just got a positive I don't have a dick anymore though but I'm definitely a guy guys only and then I guess we might as well start plugging the next funny moms thanks for coming out everyone but on the 26 there's a fun one this week's one and we have a couple we've already booked a couple great comics mark Norman a partner will be there so come out all right bye you