The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 95 – Ideal Podcast Hours

Episode Date: March 22, 2018

Tim Dillon Me and Stav for a power hour

It's, as you know, is not allowed in chorus. No. Check, check. Check the levels. Yeah, we're good. We're already recording. Oh, hell yeah. I do this thing where I cheat a couple of minutes out of the podcast by starting it early and

then include all the, you know, sounded shit levels and shit. Yeah. I only have to do 40 minutes of content, 10 minutes of bullshit. Well, that's what the premium is for. People get to hear the sound check. Going check. That's right. Check.

I'm gay. That's right. Yeah. We blew off the premium this week. We tried to record it, but Stav was too fucked up on Percocet. Yeah. Nick came over here and I was fucked up. Yeah.

I was on an edible. I was on like three Perky's and I was just fucking, do you still have that recording anywhere? That'd be a funny, that'd be a funny recording to show people. You just sound like you're mid stroke. Bro, it was, I don't even remember what I said. Yeah. I was so fucking.

You didn't really say anything. That was a problem. They're just moaning. I'd say something and you would just go, damn, there's like 15 minutes of me doing like riffs about Wario. I get it. Just talk about Wario for 15 minutes. We were, dude.

That's where I come alive. That's where I come alive. $30,000 a month. Maybe in like, yo, what's Wario's deal? Damn. Damn. That's just crazy, dude. Just scratching yourself in a Percocet frenzy.

Did that happen? Yeah. I mean, I used to take him. You would get itch. That's what happened. Yeah, bro. Dude, I was getting itchy as fuck. Yeah.

I thought the infection was spreading to the rest of my body. No, it's opiate. I knew these two junkies had dated each other. It's got Brian, this girl Val, and Brian one time. It was like. Great junkie named Val. Val's a solid. Yeah.

What other with Crystal? Val Ivan. It's Russian. Crystal's a great one. Crystal's a great trashy dude. Yeah. Yeah. Brian one time was like, dude, there's nothing better than when you're like,

you're just getting really fucked up and you just scratch each other. Oh, it's tough. No, yeah. There's literally everything that is in your bullshit fucking heroin relationship. Yeah, yeah. Which is great because it's like, the heroin is the only thing keeping you together. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. People are completely compatible otherwise. Could you imagine just the cold sober morning where you're just fucking trying to kick heroin when you wake up. You see the pockmark face. You just fucked. Yeah. The night before.

No, there's no blood in your fucking fingernails. There's no reality in which two people who detox from heroin are also like, we just figured out we have so much in common. Right. Sober. Like we thought we was just good robbing our families together, but we love Wes Anderson. Yeah. We had no idea.

That's right. I thought it was just because Val you all the way into Settlers of Cattain. Yeah. Right. We kicked the heroin addiction. I did a comedy show once and that game has some hold on people because I was doing a comedy show. I'm like, I'm a fat guy screaming and not one of them looked up like from that game.

Like in the Bay with some hipster bar and like the back of it, they were playing that game and it had like a cult like, oh, people were just, they were in it. You know, it's funny. I was going over to Adam's house and playing it and we were doing blow every time we played Catan. It got me back into Catan. Yeah. And then a couple of weeks ago.

Get you back into most things. Yeah. Yeah. We went over there and tried to play Catan sober and I'm like, oh, right. This game sucks. Right. Yeah. I'm like, I'm so sorry that I wasn't, you know, good at Catan and fucked up or not on

Coke. Right. I was, I was staying with somebody in LA and they were like doing a role playing game and it was kind of weird. These are people that are like comedy writers that make like hundreds of thousands of dollars and like, hey, can you not come home tonight? And I'm like, oh yeah, what are you, some orgies, some LA fucking, they're like, no, we have like a roll, a call of Cthulhu role playing game.

I'm like, you're like in your mid thirties. I'm like, what do you, what do you, what? Yeah. And they're like, Justin, Justin tried to offer that. The chapeau guy. Yeah. It would be cool to do like a call of Cthulhu episode of come town. I was like, yeah, no, we're not.

It would be funny to like, he's like, we did it with chapeau and it's great. I'm like, yeah, we're not doing that. It would be funny for how interesting to do, but you know, they would spend so much time trying to get it together and we would just be like, this shit is fucking gay. I roll to pull my cock out and have an orc suck it. And how many times me asking the guy that, do you think it would take for him to quit? I'm all the lame gay bullshit I've been into in my life. I'm glad that I never went down the dark paths of anime or role playing.

And it was funny. But the role playing games, he's like, listen, he's like, if you do come home, just don't like call it out. I'm like, what? He's like, we're just, we're really into it. So like, if you happen to come home, just like, you know, like, don't ask what it is. I'm like, I know what it is. Like, I'm not gonna.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's brutal. Yeah. It's interesting. It's weird. Man, that's tough. It's weird because you're like, this is what you're doing. But there's an element of it.

Like, I have thought like, oh, maybe this shit isn't fucking horrible. But it is. It's just before they had video games. It's like, you create, it's basically, you write a whole video game and then you pick out some fucking characters and then you like roll dice. Yeah, dude. It's not an anime same thing. It's like, this should be, I mean, it's like, it's art, you know, it's a story of all that

should be able to enjoy it on some level. And then you watch it on anime and you can just never get over the fact that you're watching anime. Right. Saki-saki, my pussy. Yeah. How much of anime is just porn? Like, how much of, what percentage of people are just, cry.

Let me see how cockadoo. It's a boy. It's a hot-ass boy doing this. Oh, yeah. Oh, there is? Of course. It's sucking on a cop. The suck them is my real test, to fuck them is my cause, fill your butt with jizz.

That's what I like. Anyways, welcome to come town. Yeah, that's the opening. Oh, thank you. We got Tim Dillon in the fucking trap. I'm back. Really sad Adam's not here. Sorry, putty.

Yeah, so I like Adam too. I'm very sad. I'm more sad than you are that he's here. Sorry, yeah, I know. Sorry we're not in Adam's bedroom. He's the eye candy. I know. You know?

What about this? I'm trying. You're working it. You're working it. I appreciate that you're working it. Yeah, Adam's got that tone, you know, small kind of compact nature, but I'm kind of stretching out though, so I look lean. You're selling it, you know, hard.

You're used car salesmen selling it hard over there. I'm just giving you a little peek of the underbelly. Slightly out. Yeah, of course. You know, there's some good dick up under here, boy. There's some good dick up under here, boy. Yeah, from the ninth ward, Stavros Alquius. If you sit outside a barbecue like that to make it more authentic.

I got a good dick here, boy. I got like, ooh, I'm going to get those burn ends. There's some cop. It's like, we got to go tell that Cajun guy who keeps advertising his dick to shut his mouth. We got one of the parades today. This could be a real issue. Now it was, I ain't had nobody out here slinging dick bar.

How they going to know if I don't tell him? I get you a little taste for free, officer. He keeps taking his tooth out and tonguing it at the girl. That's a great move, dude. It's the first amendment. Oh, man, you are just trash, dude. Bro, my body's fucked. I'm dying.

Yeah, man, you are fucking garbage now. I know, dude. I mean, what else could go wrong? It's written about me and Stavros. We have the bodies that we fit in anywhere in America. Exactly. Immediately. Exactly.

No matter what class. I really can't leave Brooklyn. You really can't. You're a suspect. You put us in the middle of a Walmart in Kentucky. We're good. Beautiful. We're part of the community.

100%, dude. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice. That's the thing of like my whole life. My body just completely, completely disintegrating is like fitting because this is what I've been preparing for, you know?

Right. It's not an advantage because of my body. Right. Or how good I look. No. I'm going to be just a fucking fat head on like a tank. One of those Futurama tanks, I'm preparing for that. What sucked is I was a hot kid and I was like an actor and I remembered what being a hot

kid felt like. Oh, fuck. Then around 11, you start getting fat and you're like, oh, I'll never get back to that ever. No. No. Man, it's like a rough. Because you can't take advantage of it when you're a fucking kid.

You're not fucking. You're not. You're just sitting in an audition with three other kids. You're just a child actor. Right. It's true. If my parents were smarter, they would have fucking hit me out. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, when you're, because you see there are people that are good looking as kids. For sure. And then pre-puberty, they hit 11 or 12, it starts to go down hard. I was an actor until I was like 23. That's better. I was, yeah, for sure.

I was actually probably, I was a pretty cute kid, but I had a lot of self-esteem. And then when I started getting fat normal, I was like, oh, this sucks. Sometimes you look at the way I think I deserve to be treated. Being fat as shit in, in ages like, I don't know, maybe 10 to 14 should be mandatory for I think anybody that wants to pursue any kind of creative. Yeah. It makes you, it makes you probably a better person. You have, you're more, you have humble, you know, you're, you're, you're, you have empathy.

I don't know. It may be. Yeah. No. It turned me into a monster. Yeah. Oh yeah. I just, I don't like.

Nick was keeping score. It turned me into like a fucking cynical. The world still owes him from that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. There's something about being fat and knowing why you're fat. Like I was fat, but then eating. And there's something about being fat and not feeling like just being like, not knowing yet. No. But being fat and being like, oh yeah, I'm the problem. Like I just, I love, I fucking eat.

See, I remember those. I'm with you now for sure, but I remember those beautiful days when you didn't know I didn't put it together. Yeah. I was like, maybe dousing this grilled cheese in extra butter. Right. I was going downstairs and melting another thing of butter in the microwave and dipping my grilled cheese.

Doesn't everyone get twisty bread from Domino's and dunk it in the industrial oil in the box? Doesn't everyone do that? Yeah. Why would, why would people not do that? Those beautiful days when you don't know that's the issue. That was the best fat. Because you didn't know.

You're like, oh, it's freewheeling. You're like, I'll just grow out of this. Yeah. Eventually. Yeah. I called it baby fat until I was 17. Yeah. I was going to shed my baby fat.

Yeah, I'll just be able to handle this General Tau's chicken. Yeah. I mean, it's hard to make smart food choices. Yeah. You just don't know shit. Yeah. It's tough. Yeah.

My dad, you know what I think? I'll have one salad and I'll just like, I'll go run nine miles today. Right, right, right. And make myself hate running so much with all of this exercise I did in one day that I just never did. I never exercise again. Exercise again, yeah. Oh, exercising sucks.

There's always a panic. There's always a panic that when you order food, there won't be enough if you're a fat person. There's always a panic. Yes. If you're on Grubhub or Seamless, you're like, if you're fucking, if you, if you, if you. I still have that. Let's get the appetite.

Let's get the appetite. Why not? Just to be safe. Yeah. I only just this year started not finishing everything on my plate, right? Because it's like, you know, like, well, this costs money. I spent the money on it. I got to eat all this fucking food.

Yeah. You know, it's like, there's no way I can't eat. The garnish is being eaten as well. Right. Right. I'm eating this plastic flower from the silverware is coming home with salt and pepper. I'm melting it down. I've, I've, I've zipped up the tablecloth in the zipper.

So as I catch a packet in my pockets, they're just bursting. Um, no, I know that feeling. I still feel that. That's how I feel about sex. Also. Yeah. Because it's like, you got to eat all the pussy. You got to eat all the pussy.

There's some good pussy out there. Boy, I got some good pussy up on his stomach. This is a fat woman sitting next to me doing the same thing. Yeah. Stop, stop threatening those women. Yeah. Stop pulling your tooth out and threatening those women with pussy eating. Hey, I ain't nothing wrong with this.

I'll let me go in there. You're St. Pierre. You're St. Pierre. All right. Yeah. Probably a good pussy out here, boy. I'll tell you that much. Hey ladies, you want some bar pussy?

Yeah. Ain't nothing like a crown dad. I'm not allowed. I'm not allowed. I'm not allowed in Shreveport anymore of all that pussy. I don't need nothing. Katrina. I'm not allowed.

All those women need to play to live. I'll put them in my shack. I eat all that pussy right up. They're like, Pierre, don't you care about tourism? Don't you understand how this makes us look? Yeah. Pierre. At least don't do it outside of the cigar shop.

My papa had this cigar shop. He was slinging dick out here for a generation, boy. I'll tell you. Ain't moving me just cause the storm came. Plenty of dick out here, boy. Plenty of dick out here for everybody's sauce. Pierre St. Pierre is a great guy. Pierre St. Pierre is amazing.

This is what SNL would be if they knew what they were doing. If they would fucking hire us. All right, more. So it's a pussy eating occasion that's ruining the tourism industry of post-Katrina New Orleans. Get this Pierre St. Pierre. Just lawn going. No. Come on down here.

I'm gonna play that pussy like a trumpet. Don't have a dirge all the way up your ass holding your pussy cracked. I'm gonna march the whole funeral from the tip of your ass cracked to the top of that pussy. David Sodman, do you have any interest in writing this? Tremay too, baby. Sure. Pierre St. Pierre. I didn't even know what Tremay was about.

I couldn't get into it. It should just be called not the wire. Right. It's just the wire with trumpets instead of guns. Right, right, right. No thanks. I didn't get it. Too many parades.

No, it's gotta be drug dealing involved. Molly Klein was going off on the wire the other day. Cool lesbians? About what? About how fucking people dislike or like it. White people like it. Is she a comedian or writer? No, she's an insane person.

Think a piece, writer. Great. Yeah, no, not even a think piece, writer. Just someone that sits on Twitter. Oh, really? Doesn't even make it to the piece. Media criticism. Oh, is that Red Kelhuna?

Yeah, she's insane. She has schizophrenia. Yeah, I would imagine. It's probably not great. She hates Amber. I like her because she goes to insult people and she's like, you know one of those nerds you'd make fun of as a kid and then they'd finally lose their temper and they'd be like, oh yeah, well you're this and the thing they said was like...

So pathetic. The worst thing ever. Yeah, what did you say to Amber? She called her Amber ass, ass frost. Oh, yeah. Amber. Oh, god. Like, what'd you say to something like that?

I was like, oh, you should be beaten. You know? Like, you should be allowed to be clubbed repeatedly. She's going off on the wire saying that it's like white people like the show because there's not a single 12-year-old black kid on the show that isn't shown as a gun-toting drug dealer. What? Yeah. Which is like...

That is completely false. First of all... First of all, you didn't watch the water. What show are you watching? That's the whole... Those are the people you feel the only sympathy for. You realize how hopeless their situation is. It's a show about how the police are bad and how the people like running drugs are kind

of normal. Right, right, right. Yeah. Well, it's a show about how the problem is, the scope of the problem is so huge and that it's really every element of society. It's kind of like my penis. Right. And all of these different interests, it is like Pierre Saint-Pierre.

Yeah. In a sense. There's so many different interlocking systems of oppression. Well, I tried to buy them. Them the only young black boy. They had no chance, man. It's just double-graces. Two of Tremay is about the tourism industry in New Orleans.

And now it's incredibly hamstrung by the Cajun pig, Pierre Saint-Pierre, the pussy-eating pig of the Gold Coast. Yeah, when you watch the wire, you go like... You go like... You go like... You go like... You're like, we're fucked. You know, you watch the wire, you're like, oh, there's no easy fix to anything, which is...

You know, you're like, this is a fucked system. But then every once in a while, a couple kids who are gangbangers get out of here, you know? And the answer is young people paying lip service to leftist politics and accruing their own wealth and forgetting about it when they turn 35. I think that makes sense. And becoming liberals and, you know, moving out of Brooklyn, getting a house in the suburb. Yeah. You forget all about the podcast.

I think a good improv strategy. How many people are going to be so ashamed of themselves that they used to listen to us? I feel like they'll take it out every now and then. You know how like suburb and yuppies will take out like a joint sometime? They're going to bring out an episode of Come Town. They're going to be like, listen to this one. And it's just Nick doing some crazy Asian accent. You know, it's just like five yuppies in the suburbs, like, all right, come on, let's go.

What do you got? We got Come Town. Oh, wow. Can you imagine what a fucking train wreck I'm going to be at that point? Oh, that would be amazing. It's going to be amazing. It's just covered in plastic surgery. Yeah.

Andy Kenyon with a Rachel haircut. 90 pounds. I just got to lose five more pounds. I'm going to stay young forever. You keep going to the hospital. They're like, there's nothing wrong with you. I need another operation. Make my elbows jacked.

My elbows aren't. There's not enough definition in my fucking bows. God damn, I am not looking forward to anything happening after this moment right now. Yeah. Nothing good's coming. Yeah. Nothing good's coming. No way.

This sucks. There's nothing good coming. Yeah. For anyone. I know. I don't get the vibe that anyone we know is going to a good place. Yeah, of course not. Even wildly successful people.

I'm just like, oh, it's going to end bad? It's just what kind of bad? Right. Just for being, if you were a positive influence in my life, nothing good will come of it. There's 10 sober comedians I know right now where I work out what the relapse is going to be in my head. I'm like, what will it be? How will it happen?

Will they get more than one? Or will they just OD in a fucking Red Roof Inn? How does it work? Oh yeah, it's going to be bad. Yeah. Yeah, because that's the thing. I've been pretty good at staying sober, but it's also like things have just been getting progressively better for me over the last five years.

If I had spent the last five years walking dogs in Brooklyn, there's absolutely no way I wouldn't have started drinking again. I've been hanging out with Jake Flores every day and getting drunk and playing fucking board games. Drinking is tough, man, because it's everywhere. It's all over the place, and it feels still so much like the right move in our society. Just grab a drink. Quick drink.

Even a line of blow is still like, well, maybe I should. Yeah, this is a little... Right, right, right. You feel like an asshole. You take a fucking drink. You're like, yeah, this is... This is great. That's why I should be doing it.

And there's something beautiful about a nice hangover. That's why it's sober. That's why it's sober. Yeah, the next day. It's beautiful. I love that. That's why it's so easy to fall off the wagon. Oh yeah.

It's because you have that first drink, you get a little bit of a buzz, and you're like, oh yeah, this is what being a human being feels like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is how I should feel all the time. Yeah. That's how I feel about food. Yeah. That's how I feel about that.

There's a feeling you get when you eat that's like, I don't know what it is, but it's just this feeling of like, all right, I'm going to make it. I'm going to survive. I'm going to survive. I feel like my heart's getting a boner when that's happening. Yeah. And in some ways it's hardening. Yeah.

But in some ways the cholesterol is changing. There's something going on there where you're like... The best comedy writing I ever did was while I was hungover. Second best comedy writing I ever did while I was drunk as shit and, you know, also high. Yeah, I don't know about that. No, third best is after a murder. I hit someone with my car. I watched them die.

I went right to the writer's room. Sick sketches. All amazing. Yeah. That's where I came up with Pierre Saint-Pierre. Yeah. Because I raped a five-year-old with that. During Katrina, I said, what if there was a character who had a dick that he would offer

from underneath his gun? And they were like, oh, yeah. Oh, Pierre Saint-Pierre. Fun. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I need to do a Pierre Saint-Pierre photo series immediately, dude. That's amazing.

Because you look... I'm picturing Pierre Saint-Pierre. It is you. It's me. It's me. Because he's gone. Oh, dude. Yeah.

There's nothing to be added to it. Not even really a change of venue. Yeah. This is as close to New Orleans as you need to be. Yeah. Just maybe a king cake next to you. Like one of those tricolor cakes. Right.

Some crawdad shells. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. New Orleans has got some of the best and worst food in the world. You know? It's like something you eat will be amazing. And then they're like, we got spider.

It's like, wait a minute. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it one of my eating? Deep fried gasoline. You're like, wait a minute. This can't be. Yeah.

We got bread pudding, rock pudding. Possum tail gum, boy, boy. Just like a big old spaghetti. Those menus are real confusing. You ordered the wrong thing. I get the peach cobbler and the turd. That's a todo. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a todo. That's a toy. That's a toy. It's a toy. Oh, so it's not shit?

Nah, it's human shit. No. It's a big old... That came straight off a tugboat. Man, tugboat boys out there, they take a big old dump on the deck. They come in, they put it by on the table, and we heat it up a little bit. We've been serving here for about 90 years. Everyone's been in business 95 years.

Yeah, yeah. You go to every place in like 95 years. Excuse me, black people weren't allowed to look at the turd. A black man came in here and looked at the turd. Oh, they put his ass in jail. Yeah. This is all over my mabbit. It was a wish.

It was a real wish. We hung up right in the courtyard. We've been here 116 years. They let high yellow boys come in here and look at the turd if they was good at peeing enough. But I mean... You better be pretty damn good at peeing and come in here and look at the turd. You better talk about eating the turd, boy, you better look like a banana.

They do a travel video. There's your travel video. You better be so light-skinned that I'm about to peel you and suck you off. Matter of fact, we did suck off coming in, boy. It's always funny when you see like a travel video of just like a hot blonde chick get kind of uncomfortable in one of these like New Orleans, like real like swamp type situations. Yeah. It's always the same chick.

It was really thin, hot. Like, it's so exciting to be here and then it's like a chef who's just standing a little too close and sneering at her. The moment the cameras are off, she's in danger. Yeah. She's just... Yeah. A guy with like a bunch of scars all over.

Yeah. He's in Popeye tattoo. Yeah. He learned everything at Angola, you know? Oh, fuck. Great city, though. I love New Orleans, dude. Yeah.

Angola. Beautiful. Good place to be. Yeah. Guys, don't worry. I'm going to discuss, for example, I was watching an old episode of Family Feud and... How old are we talking? Very old.

Richard Dawson. Whoa. What is that? What year is that? That's like late 70s. Gotcha. This motherfucker is straight up... Vietnam feud.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What did we not have any hand in? The Gulf of Tonkin Bay. This motherfucker is just straight up kissing women on the mouth, dude. Yeah. Like in the way... That's what it was. In front of their husbands.

This fucking... Their husbands loved it. ...this dad has got to watch some fucking old alcoholic literally feel these bitches up and kiss... like tongue mouth kisses. Yeah. This shit is wild, dude. That's my take on Family Feud. So what do you guys think about that kind of situation?

Steve Harvey. Yeah, I was instantly imagining Steve Harvey doing that and what... Well, they've also had some hilarious guests in the past. They had Louis Anderson. That's actually Pierre Saint-Pierre got his start on Steve Harvey's big break. Louis Anderson had like a sex scandal that just went away. Yeah. What was that?

He was like one of those things. You know some guy? I was like, I can't. We just keep grabbing my dick. I was like, well, you shut up. Yeah. It's Louis Anderson. Let him grab your dick.

Hey, can I fuck your cock? Well, people... People knew that about him. Yeah. And he had to keep his like gay identity under wraps because he worked with children back in the 90s. And that terrible animated series, Life with Louis. That's true.

I used to... I used to like him. I was a little kid. Is that different than Bobby's World? I was one of those fat men you're supposed to like as a funny child. Right. Mmm, sure. You know?

As a fat... I was peeking in the brain. That was like a strong lineup they had. I think the brain was good. It was great. Man, because Life with Louis wasn't on WB. No, but it was on... I'm sorry.

It was Foxbox. It was Fox or ABC? I think it was Foxbox. Okay. But it was Saturday mornings. Yes. Yeah. It was Fox's cartoon program because I remember I didn't have access to it.

I wouldn't see it very often. It was like, I think, Eek the Cat. Life with Louis. Eek the Cat, dude. That was a big one. I don't remember that. Maybe it was WB. And then cops.

Then it led right into cops for the kids. That's different than Bobby's World? WB led to Hercules and Zena. Yeah, you're right. Hercules and Zena. Yes. Hercules and Zena. I used to watch that.

That was a Saturday afternoon check. Yeah. Zena was such a good show. Hercules sucked compared to Zena. I mean, just because Zena had them titties on deck. Oh, yeah. Gabriella was so hot, dude. Was she a lesbian?

One of them was a lesbian. Zena was. Lucy Lawless feels like a lesbian. She's not, though. She's not. Okay. And then don't you see her tits in... She feels like she could beat Kevin Sorbo in, like, a documentary.

Back then for sure. Back then, like, there's a domestic. Go to the house. Kevin Sorbo's a lesbian. Yeah. He's got the haircut. Did you see that movie that came out two years ago with him? They had those two Christian movies that came out.

Bro, I love how he's rebranded. He's like... Nothing's funnier than when somebody goes hard, right, in Christianity. He went Greek mythology and now doing Christian mythology. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now he's like, it was really old Jesus.

Zeus, everything led to Jesus. He's playing a different fictional character that never existed and had any of those powers. That's so funny, though. In Greek school, that's literally what they tried to do. Yeah. Because they would teach us about Greek mythology. And then they were like, look at this. They were...

They talked about Jesus coming. Yeah. They're like, oh, there's going to be... They just made something up. I mean, it's like three-headed dog. You read the Bible. You're like, oh, this is kind of... This is pretty similar.

So many of them missed. The virgin birth is like the birth of whatever. But they literally tried to tell us, and actually the 12 gods were like, a new god's coming. That's going to be even more powerful. A new god's coming. And they just wanted to seem... And we were like, yeah. I love how they say it like a gay guy announces a Starbucks is coming.

A new god's coming. Next week. Oh, he got some fresh meat, boy. Yeah. Oh, that's him. He got some good dick up under that loincloth. He got bad news. Peer say, peer found a new Starbucks.

Hey, boys, how y'all doing out there? Pierre, these Yelp reviews, I'm going to read them to you. I'm going to read them to you right now. Shut up, boy. You know I can't read. No, I'm going to read them to you. He's like, yeah. I'm that bad at reading.

This man spit at my daughter. Do you see that, Pierre? He made winking noises, and while jerking off, oh, don't stop now, girl. I don't know. The air around him was viscous. I don't even know what to do with it. It's like a vapor. It's humid out here, boy.

It's pH. I got full. Yeah. It's like somebody put pee on it. You walked into a fryer, like a deep fryer in a bowling alley. That's what it's like around some beers at Pierre at all times. Just smells like canola oil in the air. He's a real yellow king from True Detective.

He invaded capture. I'm going to let the only boy. I'm going to let the only boy. If the car's ran on bacon fat. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, yeah. Kevin Sorbo. Yeah. Yeah. I love his rebrand, man. It fucking rules. There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere to go.

That's the other thing. When you get to that point, you kind of have to, what are you going to do? Well, Zena, to her credit, she was in, fuck, wedding crashes. She was like the hot, milfy mom. Yeah. You get that check. You're like, you know, Sorbo's like, you get in that Christian freak arena? Those people probably pay you.

You probably make more money than being kind of like a being like do doing a fucking self aware. Right. Like cameo. In a lot of stuff. No. You got to be like, you're right. That doesn't pay.

We're doing another Christmas Carol. Where Kevin Sorbo plays Scrooge. I would love to have Kevin Sorbo on the show, man. Yeah. That's a dream. By the way, I'm sure it's attainable. Yeah. You're acting like it's not attainable.

Yeah. Can we debate Sorbo? Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's literally an email and a Southwest flight. Bro, whatever the cost is, if you know Kevin Sorbo, I will do whatever it takes to get him on the show. Yeah. Just tell him it's a Christian podcast.

Yeah. You just tell him be like we've... Thanks for Christian United Ministries. Town. Yeah. There's a town of them, sir. They're all together. Yeah.

Salute to Sorbo. I mean, the fucking like production value on the shows was basically pornography. It was basically soft-core porn. Yeah. It was... And they always had like a... Every scene was the same. It would be like a bunch of peasants with jugs who would get knocked over and then there

would just be a fight and Lawless's tits were like hanging out. And it was like that was every scene. Literally every scene. Jogger would show up, try to fuck every other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Who's that? Wasn't he a famous guy? Yeah. It's Sam Raimi's brother. Oh, okay. I'm pretty sure. Sam Raimi.

No. Right now. Bruce Campbell. Bruce Campbell. Was he ever in Zeno? I feel like he was. No. He was on a show called Jack of All Trades.

It was part of that programming block. I could have sworn. I'm sure he... This knowledge is amazing. I'm sure he guest-starred on Zeno once or twice. Yeah. Yeah. They did a lot of Jack of All Trades.

A lot of cross-promotion. They really did. Oh, they did. Honestly, I loved it. Oh, it was great. I could knock it enough. Dude, it was great. And then wrestling.

Like wrestling was also part of that. Smackdown. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, I had to pretend to know what was going on. Yeah, yeah. Dude, that was so many conversations you had as a kid, just pretend to know what everyone else saw.

I pretended. No, I didn't. I had never seen South Park until I was like 22 years old. Right. But you had to be like... But I was like, you know, nine years old. Dude, I didn't have a cable. I had no Nickelodeon.

That was fucking brutal. Everybody was talking about Nickelodeon. Yeah. Every fucking thing. My go-to would always be like, can you believe they killed Kenny again? Yeah. Like, that was what I had to fucking talk about. I knew...

I was just like, let's jerk each other off. I'm not talking about fucking cartoons. I remember when, yeah, when South Park came out, I didn't know it was a cartoon and people would talk about it and I had just zero context for what this show is or what's going on. Yeah, yeah. No idea. I just... You bastards!

Can we talk about The Simpsons? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I had The Simpsons locked and loaded. The Simpsons. No one wanted to though. The Xerokefali, that's what Pete's dad used to call them, which meant the Knuckleheads. The Knuckleheads.

Or I guess, I guess typically the translation was, or more accurately, the Dryheads. Interesting. Xerokefali. Dryhead was a real... It meant you're dumb. Why didn't he just call them The Simpsons? Yeah. What was the need for the...

Because he's a fucking Greek encrypted... Greek fucking villager. He hated them. Yeah. Yeah. He was the hero. Yeah. He was the one who saved his village.

Bro, this guy hated... Here's how much of a Backwoods villager he was. I think I talked about this on the show. So Eldis, my roommate, I don't know if you've met him, Tim. He's Albanian and to a certain subset of dumb Greek villagers, Albanians are like, to be spit upon. Okay. You know what I mean?

They're like, treated the way like... Turks are? Yeah, no. Because they're lower than us. Turks. We hate because of the Ottoman Empire. Right. They copped us.

Gotcha. They're like... They're rat people. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, undocumented workers and shit like that. Right, sure. They would treat them like second-class citizens.

It's how in Long Island we view women, minorities, people that don't own homes, people that don't have SUVs even. Yeah, exactly. This guy made Eldis... We've grown up together. We've been friends since preschool. Me, it is my friend Pete and my friend Eldis. And Pete's dad, the villager, he made Eldis wait outside.

He wouldn't let him in his home. So he wouldn't let an Albanian child in his home. And we had to play outside in the yard. But that was inside watching Eldis. Dude, but that's my respect about Greek people. They commit hard. Oh, yeah. Yes.

Hard. Like, I don't think there's any deathbed retractions right now being in his home. Yeah. But Eldis was like, I'm gonna keep being friends with this guy. Yeah. Yeah. Eldis was like, this guy's different. He's gonna change the whole thing.

I mean, obviously, we were sad about it and we were like, dude, sorry, like you can come to my house. Like, my brand's very progressive. So it was interesting, those friendships that are formed, like, into, like, I used to work in Long Island with this guy who was like this disgusting racist. And he would like say to me, he'd be like, he was this guy, you talk like this, I tell you, he'd go, my daughter comes to the house with a couple of black kids. My wife looks at me, I'm like, what are we gonna fucking do?

I'm just horrified. Like, what do you mean? What are you gonna do? I'm like, by the way, 2007, like he said, I was horrified in your office. I'm like, what do you mean? Like, I thought I didn't hear part of the story. I'm like, oh, was it a rape? Like, what do you mean?

What are you gonna do? He's like, what are we gonna do? And I said to my wife, and my wife sat my daughter's down. And she was like, if you ever do that again, we'd throw you out in the street. And I'm like, oh, so you'd make your kids homeless if they bring home, like I'm like, what is this? Yeah, good. But this is a guy, this is a guy in fairness, who went to homeless shelter.

When my boss walked in one day with a yellow tie, this guy looked at my boss and went, you look like a piece of mustard. So he also could have been slightly retarded. You know what I mean? Like a piece of mustard. Yeah. You look like a piece of mustard. I got some mustard on right here, on the stomach boy, all the time, my car got no mustard.

Pierre's causing issues outside of the convention center. We got a big weekend. We can't handle this shit. You look like a crawdad, baby. Yeah, that guy could, I mean, that's the other thing. Being stupid is shit and white. Yeah. I mean, so many of the most racist people are just like probably retarded people.

And not only that, because they've been able, and especially in Long Island, they have jobs. Like they have money, like their ignorance has been rewarded with, they've been able to like do okay. Right. So they're like, why challenge this mindset that, you know, but it's like, when you like meet somebody who's like, that cartoonishly racist, you're almost, you wanna, your first instinct is to laugh.

Right. You're like, this is a joke, right? Yeah. Like what are we going to do? What are we going to do? What black kids in the driveway? What? I was like, what?

I'm like, wait a minute. What are you, like when I grew up, I had black friends in Spanish, I'm like, what do you mean? Like, it was bad, man. What are we going to do is the best. What are we going to do? This emergency you fucking caused on our home. Yeah.

And he's like, my wife sat at dad, and he, she told him, you'll be out of this house. If you do this again, I'm like, do this again, bring kids to the driveway. I can't recall ever meeting somebody that's just, because it's always been couched with like, I'm not racist, I just think they're racist, they're separate and they should be genocide. It's never, it's never, they're worse than us. Yeah. Right.

Right. It's like, it's worse than us. I don't, I'm not apologizing for it. It's like, you know, it's other than online, I guess. Right. Well, Greek people, like, I think I've already talked about this fucking piece of shit. That was at a restaurant. Just a fucking, no, it was a stroke.

Piece of shit. Guy. I mean, just a horrible. Great PR same. Yeah. Yeah. One for everyone. Harambe, Bobopolis.

Yeah. I think I've already talked about him. Constantine. His biggest, one of the biggest quotes I remember this guy saying, and it was like, what was he? A speaker, right? A speaker. This Greek guy, he was my friend's.

Oh, okay. My friend's dad. I thought he had a platform. No, no, no. He's a fucking plumber. Okay. He's a fucking shitty. He's a failing plumber.

Yeah. He runs Athens plumbing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I talked, I told the story where this kid, George's birthday. His dad was like, like giving advice and he was like, listen to me, boys, the two worst things a man can be is a gambler and they faggot.

And I was like, what's the point where he's wrong? Excuse me. Hold on. Stop, Rose. Where does he stop making sense? Because I got to be honest. I've gambled and sucked some dick and it's got to be a better road. You know?

This is the kind of guy he loved basketball and his sons were horrible at basketball. And it was like, how can you even claim that black people are in fear here when you watch basketball? Yeah. These people aren't big on logic. Yeah. I know. But it's like, he was just such a piece.

Yeah. And one of the most racist people in my life. Well, to be fair, I mean, at least he puts them above faggots and gamblers. Yeah. Yeah. He does have a hierarchy. I mean, you're making this guy out to sound pretty bad. I love that.

By the way, that's because, you know, somehow he got fucked over gambling and someone like grabbed his dick. Yeah. It's so weird. Those two groups of people, you know, he's like, there are two things in life you should never be. They faggot and the short-torter cook, be a chef, don't work at the time. It's like, wait a minute, what are you, what personal thing?

They cannot talk down to you. They chef. They say, Bobby. Where are my eggs? Fuck you. That's where your eggs are. How about that? Yeah, dude.

He was a fucking, just a piece of dog shit. But these fucking horrible immigrants, like nothing goes well for them. Yeah. They come to new countries bad. Yeah. And they usually take it out on their fucking wives and just say, you know, race it, just say Mexicans are the problem. Why you get married?

That and the tax benefit. Yeah. Yeah. So. Yeah. If you make enough money, you don't have to get married. They just, they'll keep making new playstations. That's true.

That's true. You don't need a wife. I want to, yeah. I wonder if I want a wife, dude. I want to settle down. You know. You want a lady? No.

I mean, do you see yourself as a suburban dude? Like, because I see myself. You see yourself as a suburban guy? I eventually get out and sit, not anytime soon, but like eventually I kind of want the idea of like that Bobby life, just kind of being 40 minutes away. That's kind of nice. I just, I pray that I will have the courage to kill myself at some point. Okay.

Well, hey. Well, hey. None of that. None of that. Hey, dude, no problem. You won't have the courage. You'll want, there'll be a point where you want to, but you won't do it. None of that appeals to you having a house, porch.

No, it makes me, it gives me like anxiety. Really? Yeah. It gives me anxiety, but because I think of that as quitting in a way, like I can't wait to quit. Like what I mean is like, it's like, I think it's starting, but that's like, that's like, that's like, oh, I've done it. I've achieved something and it's like the idea that I can move a kind of semi-retire

sounds nice in the same way. It's not happening forever. The accumulation of like things gives me anxiety because you have more to lose. I like had like a, like a breakdown almost when I was like 21 before I moved to LA because I had my own apartment and I would like temp here and there, but I made enough money to like, you know, pay for all my shit. And I like put everything I wanted in my apartment and like, fuck with me. I'm like, I got to get, and I just sold everything.

I had a, when I was 21, I had a house I had bought with a scam mortgage for $700,000. I had a Chevy Suburban, it was 44 gallon tank, $4 thing to fill up, fill it up with credit cards and stuff. And I really, I always remembered like when I was 21, I go, I'll just go bankrupt. Like my friends would be like, how are you going to afford all this? I would just be high and be like, let's just go bankrupt, let's just do a line to come. So it's like to me, I'm like, there's no debtors prison cock, live, go out there and live.

Like, I know, yeah, I'm going to lose it. That's my attitude. It's like, of course I'm going to lose it. I respect that. Yeah. And that's what I mean by quitting. It just feels like I, it's like when I, I don't want that pressure of like, oh, I'm going to lose this thing.

It's going to be at the point where it's like, I have it, it's done. No, I agree with you. So listen, as I get older, I can't think like that anymore. Of course. But I'm like, you know, I was fucking, I was also fucking on drugs and at the end of the day, it's like that, that's kind of like the way I think a lot of people think. That's when you start meeting like people that are successful in business. You're kind of like, oh, you start talking to them.

Some of them, some of them are insane. They're like genuinely psychotic. Oh yeah. Oh, you don't give a fuck about anything. You're just like, you're a machine that will move in one direction, no matter what happens without thinking about anything. These are the people that like money, well, that's like, why do you need two billion? You know what I mean?

Why your next billion? It's like, those are people that. When I met that CEO dude, I won't say what network, but it was like every minute of his days I could count it for. Every question I asked him, I got like this, like, like very direct, very short answer that was very like, he didn't, he was, he could have been wrong. He didn't care. Yeah.

He didn't care about being right or wrong. It was just like, boom. That's why. That's why it is. Yeah. Tell me it's not. Yeah. I mean, I can't fucking, I can't relate to that shit.

I don't know though. I don't know what the, what the dream like end, like a retirement thing is. I'd like to get, the next thing I want to get to is an apartment that's like all mine, whatever. Yeah. Set up the way I want. That's like, that's my home for the next like 10 years. Yeah.

I want that next stage. But the thing is, I keep, I worry about what I, what's next, because it's like, fuck my whole life of like, all I want to do is be a working comedian. Nah, because I get it. It's like, it's here and it's like, I'm scared, you know what I mean? Yeah. I want to say who it is, but you know, we know a guy, he's got a like very fucking nice apartment, you know, has that career that you want and like internally tortured.

Yeah. That's everyone we know. Back up. We know a guy. We know all of the guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's most people. I've tried to keep it as vague as possible. No, of course. But like, yeah. I mean, that's still. He's talking about himself.

I am. Oh, okay. Yeah. He's fucked. But I mean, I'm also trying to want to work on that. But that's what I mean. I want to get to the point where I'm happy in that thing because I feel like I'm almost happy here.

I mean, if I didn't think I was going to die, I'd be pretty happy. I just always like to do this shit and that's like, so me, I'm like things that I haven't been successful at. I want to like try to learn how to do them heterosexuality is that heterosexuality. I know I could get a fatty playing the music. I could get a curvy Greek bitch, nice looking, dark hair, go out to fucking Taverna. Oh, no. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Man, I would see those literally. I suck on tits. They're like a food. I don't care. You know, yeah. There's nothing for you.

Nothing. No children. If I could fuck dudes on the side and I had to marry a woman for money or a house, I mean, I would do it like if a chick, I'd be like straight up like, listen, I'm going to fuck dudes. Now there's a suburban life for it. Yeah. That's a suburban life.

I would have been happy in the 40s. Yeah. Soccer. Yeah. You know, listen, well, I mean, come on, there's nothing better than being in the closet and hooked up with people. I've been out of the closet. Nothing's better than being in the closet, hooking up with people.

I mean, I know that that's probably going to not make people happy, but I will say that's hotter. Yeah. That's hot. It is. Lying is hot. Yeah. Anybody who's like, this is so hot.

My parents are so supportive. I'm like, I get soft. I'm like, I want a guy who shows up with a black eye and he's like, my father fucking punched me because he caught me jacking it to fucking with it and I'm like, I got some good dick up on the handball. What's your father's name? My son's been fucking that Cajun pig outside of the 7-Eleven. I don't have a problem with him being gay, but don't fuck St. Pierre, St. Pierre.

Son, you're fucking Pierre, St. Pierre. He's destroying this city. Our family has been disgraced. We have to leave. Hey, nothing like that. Good closet of dick, boy. I'd take three to the king cake, boy. I'll tell you that much.

Put them in the closet. Put them in the closet. Put them in the closet. Put them in the closet. Put them in the closet. Put them in the closet. It's been disgraced, we have to leave. But you're saying dishonesty is hot.

I mean, it's hot. It is really hot. It's hot. It's only hot. That's the thing that kind of sucks about fucking as an adult versus a teenager. As a teenager, you're not supposed to be fucking. All the fucking you're doing is happening in places where you would be arrested if you got caught doing it.

Yes, I know from all the sex I had as a teenager. You know, it's like, I don't know, as an adult, it's like, what are we gonna fuck in my apartment that I pay for consensually, it sounds like bullshit to me. But is it also possible that all three of us and a lot of the people we fuck have horrible problems with intimacy that we find things that are weird hot? You know what I mean? I find a lot of the prostitutes that I'm with are pretty together. I think they are.

I would disagree with you. I think they're pretty. They have goals. They know what they want to do. They know what they want to do. I want to be a music manager. Sure. Whatever you say, good to meet you, you know, I will go back to Russia to meet my real parents.

I was on a website once where a kid goes, what about like a kid goes like, he goes, he goes, he's like, I'm in Russia. He's like, all I experience is violence and I want to get out of Russia. And I'm like, oh, okay. Good luck. I don't know what you think this is. Are you going to beat off on cam or not? Yeah.

When you say, I was on a website, because this is, I've seen a lot of websites. Whatever you're describing, it doesn't sound like a website. No, it's seeking arrangements, which is like, oh, it's like a sugar daddy baby website where it's like, you, and I go on it and I'm like, hey, you want to have a nice dinner? And they're like, yeah, what about a monthly allowance? I'm like, hey, how about a fucking shellfish tower? Right. And you enjoy it.

You suck it off. You know? So I could stop taking Ray Kump out and pick out some fucking NYU student who just wants a ribeye. Right. And one kid messaged me, he's like, and one kid messaged me, he's like, I want to leave Russia. I'm like, well, this is, this is a very, this is different.

This seems odd. I'm trying to, I'm trying to trade fucking blow jobs for Porter houses. Yeah. But essentially that website is a form of prostitution. Yeah. It's just enough for middleman. Yeah. I had a girl that does it on my podcast where she was talking about like, you know, oh,

I'm on an allowance. All these guys, they do this, that and the other thing for me. And then you're like, you're like, oh, no, this is, you're just fucking for money. Which is nice. Yeah. Yeah. Great lady. Um, should we, should I go on seeking arrangement?

I tried to post one of myself when I was, you know, it is, here's the thing with that website. I don't really use it a lot, but it's like, it's just fun. Like, here's the thing, you're on seeking arrangement, you become a, you're a nine. I'm a nine because like all these 75 year olds. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. You're like a nine on seeking.

Right. My friend, my friend's just a good looking dude. He goes on. It doesn't give anyone anything. And just Fox. Whoa. Interesting. Yeah.

He just Fox. I just want to hear more boys that I can be like, I want to hear more girls. I mean, I refuse to believe there's any website where Stav is a nine. Come on. Well, it is. He's a set. Listen, you know, it's, it's a fucking, you know, first of all, I'm cute as hell. Okay.

When they make a toothless dating website, I'm going to be a nine. The only difference between you and Pierre St. Pierre is the accent. Yeah. He's just a very charming guy. He's a pillar of his community. I love the idea of like local, L L L E R local. Town, local town meetings, discussing like they have like a blackboard with issues and they're like post Katrina cleanup, education, Pierre St. Pierre, like he's the third thing

that has to be addressed. What's that? The thing to say? I know I can't read, but I got bad feelings about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yo, guys. About PSAPL.

Now, you know the rules. Keep my name out. You know, unless you want to put my dick in, find it. Is there any way we can all like crowdfund the Coleman tent to place over him? Yeah. So we just don't. Ain't no tingle. Stop.

Yeah. He'll just shout out the tent. We've tried. Nothing will stop him. We had two weeks. We were constantly feeding him cotton candy. Yeah. His mouth shut.

We made him poison him. He only made him stronger. Nothing's worked. Yeah. We made a poisonous cotton candy. Yeah. Pierre St. Pierre. Last time we saw him, he was eating blood out of a turtle shell.

That was his lunch. All the mice in the area are dead after feeding on his droppings. That's a classic Asian meal. Bloody turtle. They have something like a hot sauce and like turtles. You just eat it and your stomach's burning. Some of the food down there is so hot, you're like, what is the point of this? Where does this?

We'd have to quit, my boy. This turd isn't spicy enough. Turd dough. That is so funny. Turd dough. That's turd dough. Ain't no black. Ain't no turd dough.

Only black, I have a third of it, too, with magic, y'all. I was in New Orleans a couple of years ago with Ariel, Elias, and I think Scotland Green. We went to some restaurant that had just opened up. Literally, they'd opened up like an hour prior. Right. Wait, was I there? Maybe. Was that hell?

We had Ariel's dog in the restaurant, we said she had a disability or something, so we could bring the dog in. I think I was there. We went to brunch. We went to brunch, and that waiter who had just gotten out of prison, who told us. Yes, I was there. I was there. Yeah.

It was a New Orleans brunch. It was like a cheesy over-the-top jazz themed place. Yes, it was. It was called jazz. Right, right, right. It was horrible. It was worse food. Yeah.

But I just remember that waiter that was like, one of those guys who's so happy to not be in jail anymore, but you're just worried about not pissing them off. Right, right, right. Because you're so fucking high strung. Very on edge. Yeah. Yeah. That's like, that's a funny idea that is crazy, because that's the worst job, so to get out

of jail. Service industry and become. And then you're like from jail, dealing with people, they're just complaining about fucking everything. Yeah, you survive. That's how you quickly get sent back to prison, is interacting with the public. Is there anyone worse and more drunk with power than a restaurant manager? Yeah.

The number one job for. Like a cheesecake factory. Yes. You get out of prison, you should immediately get a job at the firewood place where they have you just split. Quiet. Yes, hell yeah. No, there's nothing worse than like a manager at like an Applebee's on a busy Saturday night

where they're like, they're acting like it's a rocket launch. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody's got those buzzing, beeping things and they're walking around like, I need you now. Right. I need you here. You're in this section and it's like, you want to just stop them and be like, your life

is horrible. Yeah. This is so bad. Yeah. He just has a fucking double whiskey. Yeah. He eats afterwards. He's like, did it again.

After the day, he's sitting at the bar like a nom-fat. Right. Exactly. He's like, man, Friday night, half price apps. We did it again. We did it again. That's the big loser thing that they say. After that, that's how they're like, did it again, boys.

Yeah. See you next week. I worked at a GameStop. It was a seasonal employee to GameStop and I was outside in the back having a cigarette with the manager and the assistant manager and then maybe two other guys that worked there. We were all just smoking. The manager was like, I just want to let you guys know, we did 1.1 million in sales

every last two months and the fucking assistant manager is exhaling a cigarette and shaking his fists in the air like, we fucking did it. You don't see any of that much. Yeah. We didn't care. First of all, we're not salesmen. Yeah. Right.

Right. And there's no bear, nobody's like, yeah, you know what, I think I will get the new Grand Theft Auto because I like the way that autistic guy wiped the cheese off his shirt long enough for me to hand him $60. I feel comfortable doing business here in this GameStop. Right. Right. Right.

Edward. Make me feel at home. Let me look at Edward. With the 37-year-old man wearing a legend to sell a fitted cap. Dude, I watched it. Dude, I watched the cell phone. I had a cell phone salesman at Sprint in a Long Island strip mall Sprint store. Beautiful.

The store was just closing, I come in and I'm like, dude, I need a phone. I'm just like, I need a new phone. This is like, bells start going off. This is like, he gets like $70 if he takes this whole transaction from beginning to end. He gets to a point where he has to call up Sprint to like get some agreement waived or some bullshit, you know? It's not going through. Like they keep hanging up on him and he's like, he's got his head in his hands.

I could feel it. He's so angry and he's like, I'm really sorry, man. I'm sitting here like an hour now. I got to make a train though. I'm like, I got to get on a train and like, he's just like, so he's the last time and then the person just, he like picks up and you can see him pick up real angry and he's like, all right. And then the person like, we're going to put you on hold.

He's like, no. And then they do it again and he gets disconnected and he's just like, head in his hands. He just looks at me. He's like, he's like, and he just starts writing on this piece of like paper like, what are you doing? He's like, this is my name. He goes, if you ever come back here, we'll try to make this happen. I'm very sorry.

And he just hands me his name written on a piece of paper. Like if I come back to that like, oh, and it was just like, it was just such a sad sheet because listen, I wasn't broke down salesperson, but at least like in real estate, you think like, if I sell something, I'm going to turn it around. This guy's literally cause sales is all equally hard. Like I can walk out of that cell phone store just like you can walk out of a $600,000 house. The thing is, if you buy that house, I make 30 grand. If I buy that, that guy gets pizza for two days.

I used to be a cell phone guy, it's a terrible fucking job. It's a rough one, man. And you like helping people. Like I like buying a phone and I buy the fucking shitty expensive charger cause I'm like, fuck it. Why not? But then if you can't even sell it to me, it's like, oh God. That's brutal.

It's rough. What a fucking horrible existence that guy lived. It's tough. God, even like my roommates had to go to work today. But what's worse is to be a retail manager. Yeah. Because the retail managers delude themselves into thinking they're those guys while they make $23,000 a year.

Right. Right. You know, and it's like that's a much where there's no bonuses. No, you make more than that, right? No. Maybe like the fucking manager at like a shoe store or some shit? Yeah, probably like 25 grand a year. Really?

Yeah. Nothing. You don't even make 35k a year? Nope. Well, you make 35k selling oxys in the parking lot. Right. Right. You ain't living off shoes.

But if you're managing like a Suncoast video, you're probably getting like 20 grand a year. My mother, I was when I was an actress, a little kid, one of the, got clearly a pedophile director of these shows I was in. This guy named Scott, who came up to me once he's like. Scott St. Scott. He came up to me once. I was like, 10. He's like, if everyone talk about girls, he's like, talk to me.

There's some good cocoa in the hand. He was the manager of a Suncoast video. So every, I always thought like the manager of every Suncoast was just a pedophile. No, I'm like, every time I was in the mall, I would walk by Suncoast and be like, and that's where the pedophiles work. It's a very pedophilic store. Yes. We're going to go black leather and neon.

Yeah. And then there's like a poster. It's a child rape den. Yes. Yes. It's a poster of like fucking some 10 year old kid from some pirate movie. Yeah. Yeah.

And then just a fat, greasy manager who was like, do you want any help? Let's talk about your favorite movie. There are people, just the idea of like working in a store in a mall is a rough thing. Yeah. That's a rough one. I mean, it's rough, dude. That's every day. It's funny if it's like something you do for six months or something.

Like I kind of want to get a stupid job as a bit, but then I'm like, damn, that's someone's life. No, you can't do that. Dude, I wanted to go to the Florida Project Hotel and just do like a Instagram video. My friend's like, what? My friend calls me and goes, because I was like down here in Orlando, and he's like, people live. It's a real thing.

And I'm like, oh, you're right. And I realized I'm like, what a piece of shit, like I would be to go to that and be like, hey, look at me. I'm ironically doing this. I'm here. Funny voyeurism. Yeah. I was like, oh, you're so right.

I don't even know why I thought that would have been okay. Because our lives are so taken away from reality. Which is also always going to be fucking goofball. We're trying to be funny all the time. You realize it like, oh, this is inhumane. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my bad.

I mean, I'm doing an Instagram live video where I urinate on a homeless person. Right. I go, drink the soda. Drink the soda. And man, what they don't own by hell? What the problem, Neil? Sorry. I'm a comedian.

Somebody pithin' on me. It's not that I don't have any empathy and I'll do anything for a joke. They have an next town meeting, they're like, are you, he's a YouTube star now? You're fucking kidding me. Are you serious? He has a Patreon. I don't know what I paid for. Pierre has a Patreon.

That's a good soda. Pierre liked that soda. Support Pierre. Pierre St. Pierre. Five dollar a month. Pussy eating. Five dollar a month, I'll say you will bottle my pussy. My pussy.

Pussy eating. Pierre St. Pierre. I'll get all the pussy dripping out of my tongue and I'll bottle it out. This is a show. The only angel with red wings. Can we write Pierre St. Pierre? Great. That would be a great animated series.

Pierre St. Pierre. Pussy eating Santa. Yeah. Pussy eating Santa. A group of... A cunnilingus parish. Yeah. Cunnilingus. They don't know what to do with them.

They keep trying to throw them out. Yeah. We needed somebody to suck the swamp water out of every woman's cunt. This man, this man, the older man, brave enough to suck that BP tainted swamp water out of every coot in New Orleans. New Orleans. New Orleans. New Orleans.

Ain't no problem with little crude oil in a puffy. That's actually my favorite type of lube. My favorite thing to do is scrub the clit off with a little toothbrush. You know, like it's a baby seal. You got to suck all that swamp water out there and then brush down that clit like a hurt seagull. Oh. I love to put that.

I love to clean up and help to put that. Yeah. So they caught the Austin bomber. Oh, yes. Yeah. Well, didn't he kill himself? He was a white dude. Way to be consistent.

Yeah. I've read a coverage of him. It was like, they haven't released any more information other than his age and that he was white. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he had like a dumb haircut. Yeah.

Well, it's like, of course, we knew he was white. Yeah. Right. He's a neo-Nazi white supremacist guy, right? I mean, you're doing a black people. He's blowing up prominent black families. You're, you know, and that is terrorism. He's trying to, like, can't call a shooter terrorist because they're not trying to affect

political change. But like, that guy like this, terrorist. Yeah. And the New York Times, like, don't write a fucking article about like, well, the plant closed down and many young men were disaffected. It's like, don't do that shit. Did the New York Times, did they do that? They've done that with a few white supremacists.

I don't think they're doing this guy. They keep doing it though. They've done it. They keep doing this where it's like, puff pieces about white supremacists. Yeah. They keep doing it where it's kind of annoying. And I'm not even one of these dudes who's like, I'm not always like, on war footing, but it's like, stop writing about like, well, the GM plant went under.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, get into Naziism. Yeah. It was the logical course, you know, jobs flee to the city and, you know, there was anxiety. So, you know, Mein Kampf would be the next logical step. Absolutely. He was balding anyway.

He decided. Yeah. Got to go bald completely. Right. Right. You know, what matches with this? Yeah. Yeah.

There was a sale on Doc Martens that same day. Right. Too many fucking factors came together. Yeah, there was another fire bombing though. Yeah. Wait a minute. After this guy died? I think so.

I think it's a copycat bomber. Yeah. So, someone else is doing it. Damn, that sucks, dude. Yeah. What if he was a fucking plant, dude? Stay woke on that shit. Oh, I don't know.

You know, they blew him up. He's a martyr. Yeah. You know? I wish I knew how to make bombs. Alex Jones will be on tonight. Be like, this is clearly a pattern. This guy has nothing to do with this.

Right. This is an actor. It's the globalists. This is an actor. This is the state's version. God forbid an actual actor ever commits it. Oh, God. Forget it.

Alex Jones and Matt LeBlanc loses it and fucking shoots up a school. You can see him in the background of this scene in France. There's an actor. But as an actor, he played an actor. Do you see what this is? Yo, you know Matt LeBlanc's got his own fucking sitcom again? It does. He's on CBS, just gray-haired with some ugly lady.

According to Joe. You've got to be going into work every day just going, well, you know, this is found money. I'll take the check, baby. You know what I mean? That's found money. When you go to LA and you have meetings on those big studios, you see all these people doing these shitty shows and nobody watches, they're all walking around in the death knell.

Like, they all know no one's watching. I mean, shout out to LeBlanc for getting another check. Dick, get a check. It's funny how the entertainment industry can be sort of a trap because they pay you so much money to not realize that you're wasting your life. Right. Because it's so close to doing the thing you want to do. Which is to have some sort of creative recognition from your peers, you know, or to make something

that's actually good. Yeah. That you think is good. But you can make something that exists in the same building as something that's good. Right. Right. You get paid $11,000 a week to produce. And it's like, you know, who's going to the bathroom?

A reality show. We'll be put cameras in people's bathrooms after they get an appointment with Geat Squad. Right. It's like, yeah, no, it's like sort of a crosser between drama and reality. It's potentially legal. It's always funny when people you meet with the production company, they tell you the other things they produce and they're embarrassed. Oh, yeah.

They're like, um, I was at a meeting and guy goes like this. He's like this. He's looking down and he goes, uh, he goes, uh, we do, uh, you know, you do a lot of things. You know, Cedric's Barbershop battle. A lot of things. We do a lot of things. I'm like, wait, hold on. What?

He's like, Cedric's Barbers, Cedric's funny. It's a battle. What? Are the Barbers battling? Who does the best? I don't know anything about it. I imagine that. Uh, yeah.

No, we do a show called Steve Harvey's Giant Suit Off where two middle-aged black guys come in and they see who has the dumber suit. Yeah. Yeah. We're real proud of, uh, what we've been up to. We're real proud of our current line of shows. Yeah. All right.

Well, that's going to do it for today. I feel like we're just getting rolling, dude. Yeah. Well, thank you, Tim, for coming on. Thank you for having me. As always. You're two good people. Hold on.

Hold on. I got to plug up tomorrow, Boston. Second show added, right? Second show added, and I forgot to promote it really too hard, so I think we only sold like 60 tickets or so. That's not bad for the second show, though. What's the total capacity there? I don't know, because they told me it was 100, and then we sold 180.

All right. So we got to sell 180 tickets, so if you guys want to come to that second show, that'd be great. Thanks. And then also, we have Funny Moms on the 26th, that's this Monday coming up. Tim will be on a future one. He's not on that one. He's on, I think, the, who knows, the 16th.

Anyway. Let me know. You already confirmed. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm joking. No, every time something comes up, I'm going to do it. I'm very excited to do it. And I believe that's it.

So please come to Funny Moms on the 26th, guys, and go see Nick in Boston. That was a fucking great, great fucking show. You guys are going to have a ton of fun. And again, sorry I couldn't make the Philly, guys. I was really fucked up, but I'm going to reschedule soon, and I want to come out there. And just go to TimDillonComedy.com, please come out to live dates. Yeah, go see Tim. He's so fucking funny.

Thanks. Thank you, guys, for watching, and I'll see you guys in the next video, guys.