The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 96 – Dan Schneider Goes Down

Episode Date: March 29, 2018

Didn't really discuss this on the show but I consider it a personal win for me.

took my father's penis suck my father's penis suck my father's penis suck suck suck suck suck you got to go in there earlier, I can't remember how it went butbia Mario going into a cave music suck my father's penis sucking on his dick and his asshole

Lentilly comes in the mouth of my ass yeah, it was good man when we hit it we got lightning in the motherfucking bottle people don't know that We're constant. We're singer songwriters. I'm like John Lennon. Yeah. I'm more of a James Taylor. My dick hurts. Yeah dude you keep rubbing your cock. It hurts. You know in a suggestive but medical way. Yeah. I can clearly see the outline of your cock every time you do it. Yeah. But you're in pain. Yeah. It's kind of hard

for me to see the outline but just because it's so small. It's too black for you. Yeah. It's like a fun character that the black guy would take a really small dick and the girl's like I can't feel it. He's like maybe it's too dark. It's so true. You can't see it. It's too dark. It's too dark. It's fucking white bitch. Yeah. Yeah. That's how that fits. It's okay. It's really small. He's fucking a white lady. Yeah. This one makes it okay to make that joke. It's like my father's penis. Yeah. Fucking you know when someone got mad they posted that Thai bow clip and they're like oh here's the host of Comtown doing AAVE for three minutes. They're like this is literally a minstrel show. Why can't we get socialists

to disavow this. And it's like they think that retarded people. Yeah. They think retarded people are black. Whoa. Yeah. Guess what motherfuckers you're the offensive ones. Yeah. We're regular level offensive talking like retarded people. Sure. Yeah. Fine. But the fact that you think well how about you combine the two of them. You know what I'm saying. Great. Great. That's yeah. A pentane cookies. That's me. I'm a pentane cookies. I were eating cookies. I got down syndrome. But that don't stop me from getting down syndrome. Yeah. A pentane. Well said. They're the little Kebler ones. Yeah. It's D. D. O. W. N. S. The double D stands for an extra dose of them. So thank you to at Stalin didn't do anything wrong for a great

suggestion. Black retard. Thank you. Thank you for comedy professor guy with statue in his avatar. That's how you know somebody's going to be chill as shit. Yeah. A picture of some young young Lenin. Yeah. Fucking nerds. Yeah. Yeah. Do you see Paul McCartney was marching in that March for John Lennon. Oh because you got he's a victim. He got shot. Maybe John Lennon shouldn't have said that he was bigger than Jesus. I mean I'm you know I've never ever had a problem with John Lennon being murdered. He deserved it. Yeah. Yeah. He disrespected our lord and hubris of that. No I mean obviously Jesus isn't real but to say that you're more famous than Jesus. Yeah. You should be murdered. Yeah for that. I mean

also you're not right. You think you're like anybody that think anybody that thinks they're bigger than first anybody that thinks they're Jesus should be killed probably. Just in case or something. Yeah. Just in case. But to be some lunatic that's like what if a submarine was a different color and then you think you're a fucking god. Ringo. That was the one time they let Ringo right. They should have killed Ringo. I think so. He's still alive. You know they're vegan. Yeah. I saw that. That's like a Peta tweet that the two Beatles that are alive are vegan as if John Lennon got shot because he would have been George Harrison a guy shot him too. He got cancer. Oh did he. Yeah. Didn't some guy break into his house

or something. I remember this from a family guy. Like that. Yeah. I don't know what actually happened but there was like a joke on family guy that implied it. Yeah. He was. He was the spiritual one. He was really into. Hari Krishna. Yeah. You guys watching that Netflix thing goes star and he's a dog. Oh. He's like. And he's retired. Guess what. It's for anybody that says that come town doesn't do any bits for children you know it's great I'll probably be able to transition into children's entertainment he thinks well yeah after the Dan Schneider thing you know I mean it's like as long as you don't fuck free dance congrats he got seven million dollars he got seven

million dollars to leave Nickelodeon Jesus Christ so he got a golden great Jesus fucking cry that guy is just I mean he's the goat like you like imagine what a fat Jewish child molester looks like yeah like this is exactly Jewish Schneider yeah that's just German yeah it could be it could be either or yeah it's like how mayor isn't always mm-hmm you know or Meyer sorry Meyer isn't always Jewish well either way he looks horrible disgusting and let's just say he's Jewish I'll give I'll let you all that I'll let you say I mean culturally yes he controls the entertainment industry and he rapes

children man himself by chance yeah he doesn't need a fucking yamaka when he's got those two well congrats Nick you did it that that three week period where you didn't sleep it was worth it somebody stabbed Corey Feldman in his car well that was your fault too I'm telling you man they're like it's it's pizza gate is real you think Feldman's a rapist too no he was a he's a victim but he I'm sure he also diddled yeah yeah you got to get it my mind off a taste of the return to the scene of the crime that's the cycle of violence yeah sex a history of violence

yeah which I need to rewatch I want to watch it again too with Nego Mortensen yeah I really I actually rewatched it was good it's sick we talked about it David Kronenberg he's eating pussy big time in it that's what I like he rapes his wife no he does not well sort of yeah it's weird but she's into it yeah that's that's usually how sex for me goes yeah you catch him you know and they don't like it at first like a fish like a fish yeah flopping around and they accept their fate yeah that evening yeah and they're like also make the best of this I was saying on the stage the other night it's like I feel like I'm sort of

like a groundhog because all the me too shit I'm like a groundhog like just poking his head out of the ground like rape joke go back in maybe see what I could get away with in my shadow go back into your home rapes a tawny fill yeah that's who you are dude sucks a sucks a tiny fill sucks a tiny prick something like that you remember that video the groundhog biting that mayor in the ear yeah that was great didn't he toss that guy and didn't that didn't they kill the groundhog for that they did they killed the groundhog mayor just took a gun out you don't fucking bite me mother fucker just shot

him point blank I think it's fucked up that there's a statin Island shot and he doesn't get more more more pub what who's what is that statin Island Chuck is a groundhog oh he also does the minor leagues yeah minor league groundhog oh a statin island yeah that's cool did you guys know that what there's a minor league statin Island Chuck is a is a competitor to pop pucks a tawny fill really yeah but no one hears about he's a general that is that's the rape joke yeah it already exists yeah if he says the n-word then there's six more months of winter or something that sounds good yeah I like I like a nice

statin Island rodent about spats an island everybody's got spats yeah I was a bit spats there's like a dumb type of shoe from the 20s oh I don't know that you know there's like shoes that are like white on top like a bowling shoe here hold on no I might like creepers it might be a thing you're talking about no it might be a thing that goes over like a regular shoe like a shoe guard I'm just gonna pull them up because you'll recognize them immediately those are spats oh yeah the Donald Duck I thought those were creepers um isn't that what like rock ability people wear no they yeah they were creepers but those are

like platform but they're like platform versions of that yeah they're a little different hmm anyways it's a cloth gator that goes over the top of the shoes interesting you know kind of arcane footwear I like is the I was at the I was at the stand and Aaron Aaron Berg's like Aaron was like you think I could pull off Tim's and it's like yeah everyone can wear Tim's fine he's like huh really we're like yeah and then he like shows his phone and he's like got their like spats Tim's like well no not those obviously you can't go around looking like goofy yeah you think I can pull off you think I pull off a suit and it's like yeah surely just

like is the ass that cut out of the suit it seems nice ashless chap seemed like they would be very breathable you know by the way I bought I bought overalls assless assless overalls yeah no not assless just about over balls I mean overalls are technically over balls over balls no I like that you just think overalls are called over balls why are you calling them is because it goes over your balls like yeah but it goes over everything no I want a little like no you can see my arms motherfucker that stupid idiot that's true not over all it's definitely over balls they're more over balls than they are overalls that's true

they're completely over balls yeah and that's the show that's a bit that we get no I like the idea that it's a little overall and your cock is out where the neck is the head is just just covers your balls yeah that's cool like a nice little hammock yeah yeah yeah I like that what kind of overall actually your balls are coming out of the bottom like feet did you get seersucker overalls no we're like dinner how do you fuck are there like Oshkosh big gosh like train yeah like baby overall yeah that's what I know I didn't but I should I saw a picture of Andre 3000 wearing those and I was like wow that's yeah cool no

seersucker overalls I used to have was a baby yeah me too I got a cute ass picture me in those and then also in a little sailor outfit yeah I was I was like draped an Oshkosh but gosh oh yeah that was the shit dude yeah I remember that was the first brand I wanted oh yeah that was the first brand I knew was like don't cool ass babies because they would because they would advertise on like Saturday morning cartoons and shit apparently I used to throw tantrums when we're at the mall to go to Jim Briggs yeah that makes sense they had a ball pit and so I wanted to play in the ball pit hmm you're very tantrum you

get to give off tantrum I wasn't tantrum I was a runner actually you're a tip I was crying away in public like I'm gonna play with the girl doll does like not again you've had your two hours today to play with the girl toys please just for five seconds play with the truck you like touch it and start crying it feels so wrong I just want to shove the easy-bake oven into my pussy it's my boy pussy my boy putty I have to go poo-poo out of my putty mommy I have to push it a dick out of my shit out of my pussy mommy that cold tubs yeah that's what happened to you that's true that was your life at the

jimberee I never stepped foot in a damn jimberee I don't even know what a jimberee is it was a kid's gosh-gosh-gosh-gosh-gosh competitor gosh yeah if they had but they had like a play place yeah you got a play place in you mm-hmm what's that my what your heart and your mind the imagination in your mind yeah beautiful imagination I could be anywhere I want to get a play place every time you open a book man yeah I got a PlayStation you know I'm saying yeah what's that I don't need to fuck your dick and both literally a play station oh yeah PlayStation 4 I have a game cue I haven't ads for PlayStation 2

that was like the PlayStation 9 it was like a ball like some it's like gelatin ball that went in your skin yeah I remember that I don't remember I remember thinking that was such a cool ad yeah damn when PS2 was coming out they had like this ad for the PlayStation 9 oh like in the way yeah it's like in the future yeah it's just like some ball that you hold and then like transports you and it's like some VR shit yeah and then there's only been two more PlayStation since then and they look exactly the same graphics are a little bit better and like they cost the difference is now it costs like a thousand right right

right to get all the shit yeah although I got to say man I played a little VRity recently it looks like shit compared yeah of course the new one yeah but was that PS1 did you know it's PS2 did you play the did you play the vice city HD like re-release no fuck no it looks just as bad oh damn but you could download it on the PlayStation store oh yeah that's probably what I have then yeah yeah yeah looks like shit yeah I got the BioShock HD remake it looks okay yeah but I just remember how fucking much my cock got blown out when I saw how the strippers looked on PS2 yeah she was wild dude that was a wild time

yeah I thought it was incredible but that's the biggest jump we've made video game-wise from PS1 to PS2 and from like N64 yeah PS1 was like as as the hardware gets older the developers get better at like making things look better uh-huh so games will continue to look better on like PlayStation 4 so by the time that like they are done with PlayStation 4 it'll probably look pretty sick what about dolphin remember there's something always everyone kept saying something called Dolphin was gonna come out turned into the Wii oh really yeah Nintendo dolphin maybe it was the GameCube everyone was waiting for fucking

Nintendo to come drop the big yeah cuz they had us as children and then just let Xbox and fucking PS take over did switch do well has it done well I think so I don't want to play that shit though cuz it's I don't know you could do it on the train though you're like take it with you I don't want to do I don't know something about it doesn't ever has one it looks too big no yeah it's a place it portable but like you can plug it into TV you can get one of those supreme cross-body bags the thing is it's a real hype video games video games guide good enough where it's like I only need one video game yeah yeah like when I

played modern warfare 2 it was like I don't need to play anything else and I would just sit there playing modern warfare 2 all day long for like seven hours because you can play online yeah battlefields like that and I play Gran Turismo like a lot yeah you got that little wheel dude you got the wheel out it fucks up my shoulder yeah well I have like already like latent shoulder issues but using that wheel makes it worse now you're never gonna be a fucking formula one no man that's the reason cuz my fucking injuries fuck dude what's gonna be your next career after this dude this yeah if it's not

gonna be Nickelodeon kids coordinator a day literally Dan Schneider I change my name I demand to be my tight job title be Dan Schneider Nick Mone senior Dan Schneider Nickelodeon credit is that on the shows I come up with yeah that was gonna be funny how bad their shows are gonna be now Nickelodeon's are gonna have like a ratings tank because like that guy who fucked all the children's don't just produce kids yeah so they're there's a very good job but he had sex with children and I think like well we'll figure it out in the next shows about like it's a girl and she's on Twitter and like you know her and her

friends like you're in a band together it's like all the same ingredients but it just doesn't fucking work right what if that's what makes you a good child actor of course it definitely does because it makes you more raw and that's what you need to be a good actor yeah yeah he's I mean say what you want about Dan Schneider the man's an artist yeah you know who else fucked weird Rambo you know so true John Rambo John Rambo yeah when he was gunning down the view the me Dan Schneider is a guy that French poet that had sex with men and then quit doing poetry at like 21 oh that's cool so did you all have sex with men

isn't that what you have to do to be a poet yeah you know unless you there's no like straight guy poet except for Bruce Springsteen he's the only one yeah that's true he's the only straight I really don't fuck with poetry proper for I don't like my dick yeah I give me a narrative you know I'm saying it's like either make it a song or make it longer and make it a story yeah that's it you know and then they have those bullshit poems that are basically narratives but they just put like they put weird line breaks yeah they hit enter at random places it's like okay that's about how about brohams and it's like so bitch let me see your pussy

you're legit crucial pussy who's that who's that Instagram girl that people were shitting on a while ago rupee Kapoor or something oh yeah poopy poopy poopy filthy pussy from smell very bad I am from I am from smell very bad my family has come here to do but if you guys watch that documentary by that sex cult that fuck cult aren't they all aren't all cults like an Indian sex cult that went to Oregon or something and everyone's fucking dark-ass no they were yeah some way you can see your nipples in one of them it's kind of dark as hell you can see your dark ass nips but it's just some old-fashioned

you got the long-ass beard and you just fuck we're my brown girls that mm-hmm go off yeah roll call roll call dark-ass nipple roll call let's get it in formation show us those have you got dark ass nipples you call in now here she kisses mm-hmm mm-hmm have you guys seen it though it's good no you should watch it so we can talk about I love cult shit though I love it I just watched the Louis through Scientology movie it's great I've seen that I tried looking for his like in America series or he's like that series 10 years ago the one that was like the black nationalist in the body oh no that's

weird weekends weird weekend yeah I think some of them are on Netflix or they were on it I went looking for it I couldn't find it the black nationalist one is hilarious black nationalist one is the best it's so funny yeah and what's his name Tom Jones the funniest line it's like you couldn't write a scene funnier than that oh when he's asking who's black who's black at Beethoven yeah he's like positively black question yeah Cleopatra and he goes she looked black but she was white yeah because she was trifling Cleopatra was Greek actually thank you very much she was trifling don't

take our ugly bitches of history dude was she Greek yeah she was they were like that she was married to Mark Anthony wasn't she and then yeah married Jennifer Lopez yeah yeah yeah yeah Mark Anthony's got some bangers some secret bangers he's one of them I wasn't super she was married to one of the Greeks she was Mark Anthony yeah she was Marcus Aurelius no no mark it she was told me she she played she played him I think she played Mark Anthony did she yeah and what she was like she's like she gave him she gave him the good pussy and then he got he put the pussy on the pedestal and then number one mistake number one

now you can't be out here feeling anything for these bitches no man I've never had an emotion towards a woman especially not these Cleopatra if that bitch got a pyramid it happens that are not tip your hat strut right out that fucking door clear patches ugly shit have you seen that like IRL have you seen that like they found like her skull or some shit she's just like a busted-ass motherfucker this bitch got an ugly skull oh you can you can tell what a person's face is I guess yeah science is truly amazing Neil deGrasse Tyson shout out to him he did it personally but yeah everyone in

history that was like hot was probably ugly as shit dude it just means like they didn't smell like they weren't having diarrhea at the time I constantly mm-hmm that's what made a hot person well they got they took a bath they got they had access to like you know linen wiping their ass yeah yeah yeah that's rubbed oils on their fucking filthy pussies yeah I would have smashed though for sure that's all smash for sure do you just to say like well there's so about that power that powerful pussy yeah exactly also Cleopatra invented kegels like I know that I'm Rand she's that she's not that's a fine bitch she's to

get dick because she was so powerful at an atlas fucked at the original title atlas fucked was yeah like a smashed yeah I ran he put the whole world in a guy that runs the train do you think that's like a hook for autistic guys to get into libertarian libertarianism like that you made a train book it's sort of like a chicken and the egg sort of thing yeah oh is it about trains yes yeah I didn't know that well there's one about architecture the fountain head well not about it with the guys again give me head fuck yeah she was she was like she used to she had like a cult of 24 year old grad students that she used to keep

around and one of the tenants service that puts one of the tenants of objectivism or whatever is that there's no such thing as aesthetic beauty it's all intellectual oh my god I wonder why she came up yeah so this so this old-ass nasty Russian girl yeah she looks worse I'm sorry I did I'll take a lot of comparisons but I won't take that one yes so like Alan Greenspan was one of those guys wait yeah he like ate her pussy shut up yeah Alan Greenspan yeah she got it she got it she's she learned that she would have to suck dick so good to get her pussy yeah that's the free market that's objectivism that's the

free market yeah it's because you want to objectify something yeah I guess objectify that vulnerable grad student that well shots out to her for figuring out a way to get no no yeah yeah that's despite looking fucking that's a pimp that's gotta be that's gotta be the hardest thing in the world to be an ugly woman and trying to figure out how to get dick you know I'm saying cuz everybody's like all women could just fuck whoever they want it's like like sort of yeah yeah it's like a bell curve yeah I think I saw a guy um cuz it's like if you're if you're ugly enough that no you can't just you can't just go

out and fuck cuz no you could no there's women like that they're busted enough that it's like they couldn't just go like go out and be like somebody fuck me they could but it would be a horrific it would be like a you know like very charming and then but but like it's like I'm sad cuz I just had sex sorry that woman doesn't have that woman doesn't have the option of like just making a bunch of money being successful and then like fucking but on top of that she also doesn't have the option of just raping people I'm an ugly guy you know it's like making a bunch of money thing to attract women

didn't work it's like I guess I can hold them down and fuck them sure women don't have that choice ever right well they could I mean Adam could probably be raped by a woman yeah a strong woman could hold you down and suck your cock so it gets hard yeah then slide that big ugly pussy on top of your little ass dick yeah well and you're like fuck my putty something takes like a wet rain jacket off and hangs it up backwards on the co-wrack just sounds like gack I'll be right back I'm gonna get that cereal what cereal they don't like you I don't eat on my but I want that cereal just

eat another cup of coffee the Comtown is brought to you by the puffins peanut butter cereal they're so good and every one you eat goes money to Africa it's like Tom's shoes it helps us bird those African they force feed those penguins waiting for the G train reading shrill by Lindy West and he was perfect I mean he looked exactly like he was sexy shit no he was just like all fupa and like no facial hair and like just look like he he just looked like he was about to cry constantly it was pretty cool would you could you beat him up yeah I think he was strangely large though I think he was like 6 6 it was weird so you look

like yeah yeah like you sort of you know in that movie I will never be able to beat anybody I could beat someone up name a person you think you could beat up barron trump no he would be you know he wouldn't do he's don't and he had a gross group but yeah yeah I could beat him up he does have the strength that's true okay I couldn't beat up there and he's got that that that famous Trump will yeah he's like 10 years old like 6 6 he would fuck your ass up he's big my girlfriend had autistic strength yeah yeah you couldn't beat him up I could beat up maybe John like no no no way no way for sure not I met him once he did

yeah I'm so jealous on a plane on a plane yeah I told him that the jerk that the jerk the pest is my favorite movie it was on I was on the way to summer camp on the East Coast and you're like he was like hey pal now you're being a pest no he was like I'm trying to sleep bro Nick put your phone away please I'm paying attention to the porn are the best are you watching porn during the show wait wait wasn't there never said where you were looking at poor thing wouldn't let me look at what kind of porn was it nothing I wasn't looking at porn you're a fucking liar dude this is why he's looking at Julia doing bicep

curls dude I it started off as a joke but I would I would so fuck Julia did you let her you'd let her sit on your face of course yeah let you'd let her pull up you sit here's what here's what Nick wants she wraps her thighs around his face it's not a straight thing she literally has Chun Lee thought it has nothing to do with Jack is a freak not even that it's just like I kind of have low standards anyway so it's like she's like got a pretty face and a flaw which is like her weird body and the fact that she's you know I don't know if that's a power plant that you grew up yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and she could

fuck you up she's gonna get like she could rape you but today I make another video video blog for my fans out there please thank you for watching do you guys like those videos where a woman smashes a watermelon with her thighs yeah oh yeah I like those there's one famous one where I really looked to see if the woman did any other kind of pornography and she had not so she was a first-time amateur you know when you get like a booger in your biggest cities its way in there from your nose yeah yeah through your throat no like through just blow them on no no maybe it's just as dried shit on my nose I know when I

get in my mouth because I'm eating it yeah bodies are so gross you know really are everybody's bodies like you went when you don't wipe for like weeks and then you get like a dreadlock in your ass yep no one I don't know about everybody has an experience we all deal with me once and then you clean my ass that one love experience yep Bob Marley yeah when I'm the fucking Zion lion in the bath your ass is roster yeah a lion my turds come out and land on the seat because of being because of the hammock of dreaded head is my ass crack your ass is homophobic for some reason oh yeah that's the ultimate way to prevent

being fucked in the ass just in prison and I'm like I'm being bent over and like we're gonna fuck this guy they're like what the fuck that's right mother fucker dingleberry dreadlocks never I've never wiped once ever in my life yeah if we're ever gonna go to jail that's the first stop wiping our ass do you remember it like very fibrous I was like in a photography class in high school and this guy was like I think I would fill my ass with concrete so hard at that guy's friend he's like I would just put concrete in my ass that's what we did to icy to get her fixed you filled her pussy with concrete yeah cement rubber

cement so those doggie dicks that lipstick bounces off yeah about boncrete you know what I'm talking about is that what boncrete is Nick's off that Nick you didn't tell the the fan yeah that CBD CBD on account of my bad ticker okay interesting you are a little chilled out I didn't I didn't I didn't smoke any today I just have a smoke you vape it yeah little brother was on that shit somebody gave me a pen yeah yeah yeah those are I like a CBD pen yeah can you feel it I can't really feel it what's that would you get from somebody had one already I'm a buy one no I feel so see it of mine I feel zoned

out it was Gomez no and I'm lose just smokes blunts yeah that's true I can't I smoke eight blunts a day I don't understand people that like smoke weed but then also do the CBD oil yeah it bounces out well he does add her all too so you can't really feel the weed that who Lewis does yeah yeah dude I'm right I need it for my damn hard I'm trying to get my my blood pressure back in line is it good for blood pressure CBD supposedly that chocolate I'm gonna get a nice little dark chocolate bar after this and then check my blood pressure go to the gym and see what it says I went to the gym today I've taken

longer hot showers too well temporarily to lower your blood pressure but raise your heart rate because when you yeah the outside of your body your blood vessels dilate and your heart rate increases and your blood pressure drops interesting but it might have like a rebound effect oh what's some other good fix that cheating I haven't checked in a while but I'm guessing I have very high blood pressure because I've been like shit for the last two months well Nick has an app yeah I'm gonna use his app wait how do you measure I got a ball I went to the Apple store and I got one of those like blood pressure there's a

monitor that goes on your arm whoa fills up this is bluetooth to send shit to your phone so this has been a blessing you get to get new tech yeah yeah which you are reviewing on the podcast so do you want to buy on a car how about this it's a fucking medical expense because I there you go hypertension so I can write it off can you get rid of medical shit yeah yeah yeah yeah your tooth is is taxed well fuck yeah yeah I didn't write anything off this year I mean you should let Patrick know that you had to get a series of surgeries that's for next year's taxes yeah it happens here whatever damn I gotta run off my medical

expenses like my penis shrinking surgery mm-hmm how much did you pay for that though yeah it's so fucking heavy to bury all the all the extra fat yep where they put all the ground zero trash out in Jersey why the fuck does your cock it fatter man it's unfair like if you get fat I've talked about this before I think yeah why do titties get bigger when you're fatter they get big why don't dicks get bigger in a shitty way though like a fat girl is always like it's like yeah you know cuz I got these big boobs and it's like I mean they're resting on your giant no maybe technically have big tits well here's

the thing I carry my weight they're like small tits sitting on top of a man's breath I used to have a bus driver in middle school whose tits were so big she was just literally driving a bus with her it was incredible miss V chivalrous to you no but she used to get really mad about rough housing stop hey stop putting your fingers in Adam's boy pussy no that was not the kind of rough housing we're doing you just have a note from your dad that says it's an asshole yeah call it his ass I don't care if you finger him it's his man I call it his man's ass yeah and if you make him eat turds call them

turds not shit dicks yeah that my dad did he said that he said she wants to hang out but like she wants to hang I'm not a schedule guy yeah I'm not a do things guy you know you're certainly not especially even when we have like things to do you don't schedule it kind of just all show up why don't you schedule me sucking your dad's dick mm-hmm that has to be spontaneous put it on the Google Cal I will yeah it was kind of nice yeah it was nice we do have some stuff cooking actually we've all persevered being lazy and we might have some oh yeah in the fall guys live dance out in the in the beautiful

United States so look out for that if you're in some of America's premiere large but the United States is it just shit yeah this country is shit we're going to Dayton Ohio the poo KKK United States that's got a political message I see that yeah that's good I mean America with three K's is the dumbest shit anyone's okay I came up with that yeah America come up with it but yeah I it's like the dumbest it's so stupid I think the first time they they came out with it was pretty good probably it's like the night is young the first time someone said that that must have been cool dude the night is yeah you must

feel the first guy who said that no if I had never heard that someone said that to me I would be boo that's you don't like you don't have a sense of remember you don't dream to imagine yeah yeah you don't have a sense of what do you do tax isn't it great when they have like a fat statue of you outside an elementary school you have to dream to imagine the Stavros Halkia school for kids that were too stupid to get into regular special education no they have to be both fat and stupid thank you very much seven periods of lunch one period of the teacher is drunk so we're gonna watch prices right that

sounds fucking awesome dude yeah I'm about to fucking make a Stavros Halkia's home for exceptional exceptionally fat the home for the criminally retarded we need to bring that turn back fuck you joker you'll never get me you're never going to catch me on this ball pit how do I get out of this maze when you act it's just a straight hallway fuck he keeps slipping on fucking hundred grand rappers damn I really want another cup of coffee so good cup of Joe I want a one cup of coffee this has been a rough yeah how many days without coffee three days three

days now damn wow wow Dasha only if you want thank you Dasha thank you we're really sorry you have Adam in your life sorry you have to live in this beautiful he makes you fucking do shit like this yeah after I make you a beautiful dinner is beautiful yeah Adam is old cookbook the Miyazaki I'm still mastering Japanese home cooking are you yeah it's on pause but I'm gonna I'm gonna by the end of this year I'm gonna be a master Japanese no you're not yes I am dude you've never mastered Jeff Morimoto said I could do it you've never you never will master anything in your life I've mastered some what's one thing you've

mastered criminal manipulation I mastered like to keep a secret you know don't tell your parents about I can't keep secrets that's the one yeah you'd be the guy molesting children then you tell everyone you didn't hear from me speaking of secrets I know that there's a son of a famous person that listens to this podcast yeah who is it I just want to say fuck you tag Romney that's a retard one that's trigger palin yeah trigger palin right yeah I love you go palin that one is really like it's not technically close but it feels bad it's wrong yeah it feels pretty wrong I didn't say it I just sounds like a guy just

speech impediments I said Nego Mortensen and then you decided what to do with that that was Adam yeah I was thinking like you know like an alternate universe Vigo Mortensen it just says like he's like a dark wing duck naked duck character but that one's naked ducks yeah that's wild I thought dark wing duck was black yeah yeah so they can both be black but this is implication isn't that they're different races is that naked duck is a criminal and dark wing duck is a private like the Chris Rock bit the classic yeah you got two different types now that bit makes sense to me now I have something to

relate to to understand the comedy stylings of Chris Rock I'm just annoyed that you're sitting here pretending like you watch Darkwing duck when all of this is explained on the show yeah I don't remember Darkwing duck I was sorry I don't retain me I'm Launchpad was mentally retarded Launchpad was blue and in the plane no no blue is blue yeah Launchpad is a different character but he was like his co-piloters well Launchpad McQuack he's the pilot on Darkwing duck he's also the pilot on tails or duck tails yeah I was always a little offended that they chose to make Scrooge McDuck a Scottish person not a

Jewish person yeah well his name is McDuck I know but he should have you know he was swimming in Duckowitz he was swimming in Duckowitz Scrooge duck Berg yeah Schmooge Schmooge Schmooly-Duckberg yeah oh Huey Dewey and Louie my beautiful nephew you such strong boy geez Uncle Scrooge can we have a quarter no ever you can have a a job at my company though and will pretend like you earned it. An unpaid internship. Um, yeah. Fuck. Yeah, dude. No coffee is rough, man. It's hard to sit here. I love it. Honestly, it is one of the pure joys of my life. I even had coffee. I don't want to sound like Mark Marin, but I wake up, pow, and pow. I shot my pants. How I just came in my pants. Coffee.

What if, uh, what was that called? Uh, just, just coffee. No, is that how I just? Yeah, that's Mark Marin's one. But what if he actually shits his pants? Then he has to go do an interview with Obama, this pants. So that SNL sketch, uh, oops, I crap my pants. Yeah, that was hilarious. That was such a good. That's when SNL was doing the real peer stuff. Let's imagine that this diaper is your diaper and this gallon of iced tea is a gallon of your face. That's so funny. Yeah. The commercials in the nineties that they did were awesome. Yeah. The one, the one where real Farrell was just mean to dogs. It was like a dog training thing where he was just like verbally abusing dogs. I just remember Robert Goulet and he says the

N word as Robert Goulet. Oh yeah. He says it. I forget. Yeah. When he does a bit of pop, I love it. When you call me big papa, put your hands in there. Yeah. And then people you know how to have fun. Yeah. For all these woke characters got on. True. That was incredible. So fucking good. Yeah. Um, and then that was like, I think probably the first time for a lot of boys in our generation that were like, is that that gap fat? Yeah. Yeah. That was so great. Oh man. What was that ball that had like a hundred, like, uh, the horrible side effects that shit was awesome too. Uh, wonder ball. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just like that was such a quick commercial. Then they just have like Nick's new thing is stabbing

me with knives. You're doing that at dinner the other night. Yeah. You're like making a point by like stabbing me at the arm. How was dinner, boys? I'm sorry. I was in a story. I know you were there at pizza. All of the pizza. Oh, no. Yeah. No, Nick just came over Yeah, I was I was I made a spaghetti boy and they said in my apartment all night playing Danny boy on the piano That's so fun. That is so funny. Just to think of you alone. Nick fucking blood pressure That is so funny The things that happen when I spent too much time alone Pretty funny. You were sending us clips of HBO softcore ports alone

That clip was very funny the way he was simulating sex from behind Yeah, yeah, you sit around watching softcore porn playing Danny boy You know having a night with your high blood pressure. We got to get the band together finally dude I know I've been out of town, but Nick and I did buy a thousand dollars of music. Oh, yeah Yeah, you guys Buy I want to buy a really expensive tambourine. Yeah, I'm gonna get a I might get a real a real piano when Amber moves out Oh You can actually get them for free. Yeah, and Craigslist all the time because people don't want to move them

So you just hire piano movers. Yeah, cuz they're like cost money to move how much the car city Jonah probably spent a piano into his his apartment. I think he got two guys. Could we do it? He is in a walk-up. He said it was like three dudes and they pretty much finessed it up the stairs one stair at a time We could do that. I think one of them threw No, I mean, I had to bring that oven up the stairs and that was you didn't help at all. I did help Yeah, Adam did not Adam did absolutely nothing Max helped and I brought another oven up to the third floor a couple months ago No, it was a light it was an easy no, it was also like it was an easy big oven. No, it was like when you're at his boy posting That's not true. It did look fun that girls got to big

It did I'm gonna say that that looks boys. They had that that like I remember it was like it was like science experiments Yeah, they really make the bugs you make bugs that but they're like gummy bugs. Yeah. Yeah. I was like a mad scientist Yeah, that looks fun. Yeah, I had a little cooking set of an infant like as a one year old They got me like a little Fisher price cooking shit. Yeah, I was my man. You ate it dude. Yeah He's going to be fat We can tell by his calves Because sad your dog looks let me talk his depression. She knows its owner is a bitch. No, she has depression because she was She wants an alpha

Alpha pack leader, she knows absolutely respect me as an alpha pack leader. She does she said she does You know how I did it. I showed her a gun the first day I had her and I pointed it right towards her dog pussy I said We were watching the Sopranos last night when Nick came over the episode where they find out Vito is gay Oh, what a fire and Paulie says He Paulie says I'm gonna stick my gun right up He said Basically Paulie said that what he wanted to do was put a gun in Vito's ass

Which is that would that would treat that would I just love the way Vito's dressed at the club. He looks like Garry so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Garry. Oh, Garry. Oh is gay. Wario. Not gay. Mario Vito as the leather dad Garry replaces Wario Yeah, game or because really the opposite of Mario Mario's whole thing. It's like fucking some princess I love that princess whereas Garry wants to fuck a queen. You know what I mean? He is a queen anyone? Yeah, he wants to fuck a queen in the club. So he's got like a little leather daddy outfit Most he looks exactly the same as Wario. Yeah hats made out of leather. Wario is gay. Oh, it's just Wario It's Wario when he's not on the car

Yeah, Wario's yeah, you know him and why Luigi fuck of course we're vilifying homosexuals You know because they really are like the gay body type versions of Mario and Luigi Well, they're body types. They're twinkier. No, no, Luigi. No, no Wario is way twinkier than Luigi. Luigi is small. Yeah Yeah, and Wario is fatter and rounder or not like Mario is like me a Stout athlete. No, I don't know Mario and Wario is an obese mess Whereas me and Mario that would be strong You and Eldis could never be Luigi. Why not? He's taller than you. No, he's more agile. He's too fat to be Luigi No, he's Luigi. He's too fat to be Luigi. No, if you guys did Mario and Luigi would be so cute. Yeah, that's fine

Yeah, if you guys did Wario and Wario and Luigi. I know what you're saying No, we have this conversation a lot on the show Yeah, it's probably me and Eldis being different kinds of things that one is fat and short and one is tall We've done. We did the M&M's. Yeah, there's probably a few more. What else? Abbott and Costello sure That's a good but what's fat and what's a tall but and then less fat but still fat. Yeah Like a magic eight ball in the lava lamp, okay Yeah, he is he's got a lava lamp body. Oh, yeah, I imagine his internals are similar-looking

They use a car a cova lamp bright red from all the fucking Cheetos, oh people are really mad at you stop for saying Andre the giant was alive during World War one Listen, I've I've made a lot of mistakes on this show. So When I don't give a fuck Yeah, first of all fucking facts are just things that I say. Yeah, it's true. It's not that real events as you believe them to have I'm the journalist you are the fucking peon. Hey, how about this? I'm doubling down

He was fucking born during World War one stuck my yeah in France in France in some author some author would drive into school I remember Yeah, oh Yeah, that is That's what I'm basing this up. I've read some fucking Facebook article It's like you'll never believe who drove Andre the giant to school doctor suits. It was someone. I don't know Dr. Sure, all doll. It was all doll. Yeah, he drove him in a big-ass peach Autobiography talks about losing half his nose in a car accident. No, it's intense. He's British, right reading as a kid

Yeah, and then maybe maybe I'm like Confusing different stories. It might have been the Andre the Giant Autobiography. Yeah, yeah But yeah, I remember yeah He like describes his like sister driving in a car and then they used to have like plate glass for the windshield Oh, yeah, she hit something. There's no seatbelts. He went through the windshield and fucking Goddamn those So it's just hanging on by a thread. Ah, fuck my are you fucking kidding? Yeah, look at his nose dangle Yeah, just like as a child reading that it was like so intense fuck

I remember I think there was something else in there about a guy breaking his arm and back then like they couldn't set it So like they just had a strong man Like pull on the compound fracture until the doctor could reset it Well, Jesus Christ, dude, and again, I don't remember if this was actually in the book or these things I imagine Scenarios I came up with while drawing swastikas in my textbook Oh, of course Every fucking I mean I was definitely a dick kid. I was swastika kid for shower. I threw I Everybody's drawn that s thing. I'm like check out this s thing. Yeah

Put two of them together Fuck dude. Yeah, that's a jurist watch the good bad bathroom me on yesterday. Yeah, that's what beyond stands for White white a nationalism a beautiful idyllic society with no fucking oh man I've been getting back into I look I went looking for it like a month ago And I couldn't find it beyond belief factor fiction hosted by originally James Brolin and then Jonathan Franks I don't remember this is that a show it was the show that was on and I couldn't find it And I found it like two weeks ago

James Brolin Josh Brolin's dad. Yeah, Barbara Streisand's husband Yeah, double a you know, he was to be a he was supposed to be no country for old men It was supposed to be him because it makes way more sense. It's old men You know, but they accidentally well in they accidentally sent it to a son. It was like a fucking error. No way I swear to God. Yeah. Yeah, there's something The giant It was Samuel Beckett used to drive in the school. See yeah, that's who it was. You're right. Yeah, motherfuckers Sam Shepherd drove Hulk Hogan They were both collaborators

Very anti-fishing France is so funny that they were like they found like they were that was like the Waluigi of France They were like, oh, yeah, we're just like the Nazi French people. Yeah, we're all so gay. We're still gay. We love the outfits Oh, no, that's German Yeah, good bit. Sorry I Am a gay man who likes Nazis, but they're not the Jews Where did never mind

No, I don't know why I was gonna say I Don't know why I was gonna ask this. What do you what we where did Charles de Gaulle go? Like when the Nazis took over France his baby mama's crib. He went to England Algeria. He went to North Africa I went to Algeria and fucked around with some hell. Oh, yeah, no, you had them hurt roll call Get information with them dark nip babies at yeah, let me because then he came back after the war, right? Yeah, yeah, I thought he had that wasn't he just in a different part of it when you when you I thought they the Nazis took over all it for the general East remote France and you lose yes or remove his little Bean can hat and and hand the turd that rests on his head

Yeah, to the invading leader, which is the greatest shame in France to lose your turd that you turn This turd has been You have a little little furry toy poodle take a dump on their head And when they first get there, you know Commission into the army Yes, and if you ever lose that turd, you know, what happens? That's it for you. It's curtains, baby Oh fuck. Yeah, they kill you. Mm-hmm. It's like a REF. They have mustaches That's how they all those guys back they all had like big-ass mustaches. Yeah, I joined

Like the REF or whatever dude We could be in the in that right now. Yeah, all three of us have sick-ass mustaches. Yeah, it's mustache She's in for me. I found that picture when I let my mustache get huge as shit. Yeah, it's cool I'm jealous. I have the worst facial hair of all time, but I got a little less No, I kind of like how little your mustache. Yeah, it really balances out your face. Yeah, my also like your glass Look like that drawing down Jones my strong jaw No, yeah, it does your jaw is literally just had part of it removed Yeah, it was too strong. I was it was overgrowing. That's how fucking masculine. Yeah, I was yeah, they're like you fucking shit

It's too chiseled. Yeah, that's why I love diddy so much I was going a little titty in my jaw, dude. Yes, Lenno was thought of as super masculine Oh, yeah, just a sexy motherfucker that chin that giant chin every bitch wanted to get chinned down by Lenno I can't believe when put your chin in my pussy daddy. You think Lenno's got topped off a lot Yeah, I'm sure he fucked in the 70s. Although he seems like a fucking loser. I don't know Do you think he fucks cars like that guy from TLC? Yes, he does He puts the exhaust pipe in his ass chasing our In a sexual relationship

The guy with the little bear hat the guy that's that was fucking his car chase There's a lot and yes, it is homosexual. Somebody's telling me this thing apparently people Sarah's sending me weird messages. I don't fucking look dude You're on the clock, man. I know I'm on the clock, but she's texting me while I'm trying to look up shit related to the show Somebody sent me I guess there's like a weird DeviantArt thing where people draw pictures of dragons fucking cars. Oh, that's pretty tight What cut like where's their dick go, where's your dragon dick go between the seats, okay? Like change does it have a dragon pussy in the car. Yeah, that's cool. I mean, I don't really look into it I just thought I'd say it that'd be a cool thing to put on a dragon pussy in your car dragon fucking the car

Have you guys seen that one video on the internet of the where they put a pocket pussy on an exhaust pipe? It looks awesome. Don't draw on my phone. I'm drawing Why? They just drew a swastika on my phone. I'll leave it. All right, fair enough Hey, okay, yeah, yeah, no school, baby Take a picture. This is pretty funny. I was I really hated a swastika like I was not a big fan of not well No, it's swastika was like hated swastikas. I was cuz Greek because they taught us that Nazis really fucked up I didn't care about you. They see they taught us Oh, I don't know I just had like a really different upbringing where I was told that Nazis were bad

No, no, it's like when you hear a word is a bad word and then you go to your bedroom And then you say it alone so you can feel like you're doing something bad Well, not like drawing a swastika Nazis never came to America though. They really fucked Our asses in Greece. Yeah, they're bad. They fucking came through. They really fucked shit up So did so did the CIA brother. That's true. They did. Yeah, they fucked up our fucking democratically elected Socialists prime minister hell you're back the fucking military coup Jun Junta the junta and they looked into they fucked grease up

We should have a junta on this show. My name was trying to earn the release emo. Yeah, you can take over You're not strong enough. I don't give a shit. I'm ready to retire. Anyways, baby I'm ready to be like, you know, it's sort of the coach to the show Meredith professor Fuck you got ten years. I'm it like a cut man. You know, I'm the corner. Yeah. Yeah, I can't I can't get in the ring anymore Say gook. Just a whisper You gotta say gook You gotta say gook into the mic

Listen to me kid. You got eight more rounds here. You got you got 12 more rounds here You got to say you go more Look, they're coming about to turn Talk about my dad's cock. It's gonna be lights out for you kid unless you fucking get in there And you say you go more. What if I do a Rihanna song, but it's about stuck in dick. That's also good I mean fucking I don't know why I'm tired. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of what works in it We suck dick Holy place, you know the whole yeah

I fuck my dad in a hopeless place My dad and I fucked his ass I held him down and I fucked Whoops I'm gay I was doing a really good one earlier today in my house, but I forgot it. Yeah, I got the Mortal Kombat one. Oh that's it. Yeah. Yeah, sucka penis There's so many you can throw in there Sonya, Johnny Cage, Raiden, My Dobbs The Mortal Kombat song is like Richard Simmons is probably

The Mortal Kombat song has to be like the best example of hard style techno like that has the most famous Yeah, hard style techno song of all time, you know what my friend told me the other day the The song that's considered to be the best example of world music Darude Sandstorm is no is the Halo Load screen music Apparently that song is good No, the best song is good man. I like that shit. Somali folk song from Black Hawk Down. That's the best song in the world Tom Saiz was just like murdering people

Just a silent chopper slowly rotating in the background Is all your friends die I The guys at the bodega sing along to those songs Guys like 350 brother What the fuck What is this song Do you remember the sting song desert? Oh, yeah

I dream of rain nearly a rap money by Buster Ryan hell yeah, of course This is not the same but Punjabi MC. That was another yeah, yeah And then the what's the other one the fuck Yeah, all right. Well, that's the end of the show. Okay. Good night. Should we plug anything? No, nothing to play next money moms is the 9th of April. Yeah, thank you guys for coming Thanks for and they should come we changed the time the day of an everyone laser for the next week He blazers on the next one. I think someone else. Oh, we got a full female show then. Yeah, we got a partner Nikki Glazer Through the best comic we're doing lady comedy

Um, yeah, so that's gonna be a fucking great show then Aparna a Nikki Glazer. Okay, will it really good comics and then actually the next one. It's gay guys We got Tim Dylan and Matteo. So actually it's gay guys And then and then we're gonna do we're actually we're gonna do yeah, we are woke. All right, you guys are fun Thank you. Good night.