The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 97 – Another delay

Episode Date: April 5, 2018

Sorry i accidentally ate a bunch of wax paper last night and had to sleep it off

I love, I love, I love, I love my penis. Yes. Coming out of the gate strong. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. This mic's fucked up. Is it?

Yeah, it's every episode. This is what happened. This is what happened last time. It stopped. The mic cut out. I don't know. We should get a new XLRs. You should get a new pair of lips.

What about it? Stay zips shut. Sex. Hands on your hips and zip your lips. We got home monitor rules going today. Sex. We got a website to tell you about Nick. He's at www.yourgate.com.

No. Shit. God. He beat you to it. God damn it. Every single time. No. Your gate.com is better than zip it.com.

I love to, I love to have sex marriage. You'd love to. I love to have, I love to have the same sex marriage. I love to have the same sex. Please. Safe sex or same sex? Please let me have the same sex. Wow.

I'm glad you're doing better after she sucks your thing. She sold my thing. She fucked your ass. No. After she foe your ass. No. She foe my ass. But now I have a marriage, marriage the same sex.

Wow. Wow. Rape day labor. You're doing a lot better. Things are going good for me because I got fired from the parking lot. You can get fired from the whole people parking lot. My husband, he took care of me. That's awesome.

I got fired for complaining about the lady that raped you. Yes. There's a code of silence in the Home Depot parking lot. They said I violated the show. Mm-hmm. There's a total silence. The chode of silence. That's what I call it.

That's right. Oh, damn. That's my dick's name. No. The chode of silence is my dick's name. God damn. It would be cool if your dick made like a little, just a small little noise when you come. Just a little.

It does. Like a puff. Like I said, puff. I sing like the weekend every time I come. Ah. Ah. How about, can mine be chode black entertainment? Sure.

Like code black. What's code black entertainment? About Mountain Dew chode red. Chode red. Mountain Dew chode red. Because you have a chode. You have a chode and you only have sex when a girl's menstruating. No, it is.

What's every phrase ever with code in it? Yeah, yeah. We're about to get down to rabbit hole. My great grandfather in World War II, he was a chode breaker. Yeah. Neo goes into the control room when Cypher is looking at the Matrix and he's like, do you always look at it and chode? He's like, yeah, that's the only way to look at the Matrix.

You know, it works for the construct, but all I see is blonde chode, redhead chode, brunette chode. I like the idea of just little chodes on the screen. Yeah. They're all wearing little business suits and shit. Little fat cogs with blonde wigs and so on. That's why I do chode switching whenever I'm talking to black people. My dick gets a little bit hard whenever I talk to them.

But very wide. That makes a lot of sense, man. Oh, fuck boys. So I guess we, I should address this. What? There's a controversy surrounding a question as to whether or not I'm posting shirtless pictures. I'm not posting them.

I am sexting with women and gay men. Yes. And which I will not stop doing. Wait until we eat the shirtless pictures. Oh yeah. Where? One of our gay fans. I'm not going to...

This motherfucking fan's gay guy shirtless pig. Of course I do. Well, they give big feedback. There's nothing wrong with sexting with gay guys. Look, I'm in a committed relationship. It's dangerous to sext women. I won't do that. But I'll text other guys about how I don't want to fuck them or whatever.

How I would do it if I had to. Here are my lats. Because that's called being a good boyfriend. If someone had your family poisoned and the antidote was in a gay man's dick, how would you get it out? Right. Doing those kind of hypotheticals with other guys with the same problem I have. Wait, so you said a dick pic to a gay guy?

Oh, I didn't say a dick pic. No, what is it? Just share this? Everybody's mad about my body. That you're strong now. Not a yes. Honestly, I'm humiliated because it was a progress photo. I'm not done yet.

If you're mad now, wait until I get under 10% you fucking idiots. It's like showing the painting half painted. Exactly. Yeah. People like their clowns to look like shit. Yeah. Not me, dude. It sucks that we're all beautiful as fuck.

Yeah. Everyone gets on our asses for looking good and having proportional nose sizes to the rest of their face. Yeah, dude, that was a gay ass pic. I think I saw it. I thought you did post it. No, I wouldn't post a full on shirtless pic. Is it on Twitter?

Yeah. I want to see. I feel like someone tagged all of us in it. Yeah. Well, that was funny that Tex exchanged with you and Evan. He's like, that's a real man. Why work out if you're not going to send nude pictures to your friends to compare bodies to?

To fuck women. Fuck hotter women. Fuck that, dude. I don't care. I don't give a shit what women think. What the fuck do women know? They're like, what's a dumbbell and a barbell? Can you just get out of the way?

Not Julia, though. Julia is so hot, dude. It would be like fucking an animal, you know? A wild war. A good jaguar. Yeah. To like, if there was like a pig or something, you know, you're on a farm for months or whatever. The first couple of days, it's just a pig.

And then after, you know, weeks go by, you forget your wife. And then you're like, what's that pig up to? Yeah. I just want to hang out with it for a second. Yeah. That kind of happened to me, except instead of a farm, it's my room. And instead of a pig, it's my Instagram feed. It's just filled with Russian people with weird bodies.

I'm trying to think if I've been beating off to anyone strange lately. I don't beat off to Julia. Yeah, you do. No, I don't. Yeah, you just did yesterday. First of all, I need massive amounts of pornography, nine screens, the Mortal Kombat team playing. I'm on an inversion table, you know? I got to be upside down.

Yes. Yeah. That's hot. Yeah. You can't jack off on Ketamine, right? I can do whatever I want. But like you, most people can. You can't tell me what I'm allowed to do with my body.

I'm not telling you shit, dude. I'm glad you're feeling good about yourself. I'm glad you're feeling good about yourself. I'm glad you're feeling good about yourself. He's right about that. I'm glad you're feeling good about yourself. Yeah, dude. You know what?

I figure I'm going to be dead in probably two years. Consider. Dead of what? I don't know, man. I got to do something about this hard thing. I wake up in the middle of the night and I have chest pains and my heart's pounding and I'm sweating. I'm like, oh yeah, this has just been happening and I haven't really thought about it.

So I've been needing a lot of dark chocolate. Someone DMs me to say that we should tell you to stop doing cocaine and I said that you're not doing cocaine. Yeah. They're like, yeah, Nick's doing everything to lower his blood pressure except for stopping doing massive amounts of cocaine and I've corrected him. People think we do cocaine all the time. People think that we're on the show all the time.

You can't really deny it because as soon as you deny doing cocaine, then you become a cocaine addict. Right. Exactly. So you kind of just have to let people think that you're doing blow constantly when really you're only doing it once every couple of days. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I for real, that's the one thing I think I'm not going to do anymore because I am, it does fuck your heart up and I don't know that I could be rolling the dice anymore. Yeah, you got it. You got it.

It's either fucking cheesesteaks or cocaine and cheesesteaks are going nowhere. I'm surprised at the restraint you showed with that birthday cake at Kaley's birthday party the other night. Oh yeah. How was that? I was sick. It was fun. It was not.

It wasn't fun. No, it was. No one was there. Sorry. I meant the sneeze. Fuck. God damn it. You look Chinese right before you sneeze.

Yeah. That's like a thing about you. Yeah. Why did you do that with your eyes? Yeah. Why did you do the eyes thing? Yeah. Why did you put on that rice patty hat?

Yeah. That raiden hat. Yeah. Dude, I've watched Mortal Kombat again the other day when they introduced raiden and they're like raiden and he looks up and it's just the least Chinese person in the world. It's a northern European guy underneath that hat. It might as well just be a man in blackface. It's that like offensive that that guy is wearing that fucking high hat symbol looks

up and is just fucking you have to understand the power you have. Wait, who plays Raiden? Christopher Lambert with his weird down syndrome lisp because he's like Belgian or some shit. He's Belgian. And he's also still the reason I got banned from Facebook. Right, he's bald. Oh, because of his nuts. Yeah.

Stupid French balls. Wait, he's Highlander, right? Yeah. I feel like it's like French people are constantly trying to prove they have genitals. You know? Because most of them don't. That's true. Most of them are smooth.

Yeah. JCVD is always doing the splits. Well, why do they smell so bad if they don't have nuts? But Belgians are just French. Nope. Right. They're Flemish. Half of them speak like Dutch, right?

They're Flemish. Yeah, they're Flemish. I don't fucking know. Flemish. Flemish. Dutch is the waffles and clogs and shit. Yeah. Windmills.

Tulips. Yeah. French fries and mayonnaise. I got tulips right here. Oh, they got good ass fucking mayo. And you know, of course, you're forgetting 420 blaze and smoke weed every day. And prostitution. Yeah.

I think I'm gonna answer your image. Smoke weed because I'm gay. I told you last time you went. Why didn't you do it? I didn't know why I didn't. But it didn't grab me at that point. If you're gonna pay for the best, pay for the best. Yeah.

You know. Not like in the United States. Something legal, someone who knows what she is. This should be like a whole escape room thing, like in addition to prostitution. Why do I keep hearing about escape rooms? Because you interrupt people when they explain what the concept is and then you don't ever hear what an escape room. I was just adding to it.

Were you? Yeah, continue. Yeah. I was adding. I love that. Cue the change dropping sound effect. So what's going on? What's going on with the escape room here, Nick?

It's like a thing you pay for. What is he? What was he getting at? Oh, yeah. So hold on. My account just got back to me with the penalty for the, anyway, yeah. So the joke, the shitty joke I was gonna make is that there's a, why don't you read the email that you're getting about your finances?

Yeah. Well, Nick was very worried about it, the health care penalty he was getting for. Share responsibility, multiply line four by six ninety-five if twenty eighty-five or more enter two, oh, eight, five, of course, so line four by six ninety-five for each month. Cool. Yeah. The maximum penalty is two, zero, eight, five.

So I don't know how he got to twenty two thousand four hundred and forty two dollars. One of life's great mysteries. Well, you should email him back on the podcast. I don't know. Sorry. This is anyways. Yeah. Escape room plus what did you hire the prostitute, but you also get to, you know, it's Liam

Neeson's daughter, so you have to like figure out how to kidnap her when you run around the house. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. I would. Yeah. I would just like to fuck her and then and then just leave.

Yeah. Leave or maybe we could hang out, watch a movie. Oh, that's the girlfriend. G.F.E. I'd like to G.F.E. Yeah. How do you feel about on like a prostitute list, post things on the internet, they call Assex Greek when they say I love it.

I love it. That's cool. That's fucking ethnic pride as far as I'm concerned. Did you think at first that it just meant no Greeks like that you were? No, I knew. Also a Greek pregnancy is when you fuck someone in the ass and then it trickles and the jism trickles from their asshole to their pussy. Well, speaking of the YouTube shooter lady, which is how all me and my brothers and every

Greek person ever was conceived. Oh, really? Yeah. Where I come from, that's called the New Jersey Turnpike. Oh, really? Yeah. I do all different types of sex stuff. Is the Gooch the Turnpike?

It's in that analogy. I think the Turnpike is sort of the avenue between the asshole and the pussy. Interesting. Yeah. You give her a nice Tennessee pile driver, you give her kind of the smoking dragon. What's the smoking dragon? It's where you are getting hit and right before you bust, you jam it right in her throat so she coughs it.

The cum comes down her nose like a dragon having smoke come out of its mouth. That sounds awesome. Yeah, that sounds pretty cool. I thought it was when you kill a Komodo dragon and she puts the skin on and you fuck her. And then you set her on fire and it smokes. I'd love to fuck a lizard bitch. Anyway, Nick, how's your emails going? It's good.

I just got to email them back because I'm not going to pay an extra $400 for a penalty of that. It's egregious. I mean, it is egregious. Sorry, this just came up, but I mean, it's like this is blatantly fucking incorrect. Yeah, it probably can't wait 45 minutes. I don't know. I mean, no, it really can't.

I mean, it's like this shit needs to be filed. I emailed this off. Like, you know, you pay somebody a bunch of money to do something and something is basic is filling out a fucking worksheet. Hey, man. Yeah, I'm not the customer service person. Yeah. Well, you said read the email and get mad about it on the show.

Yeah, you're right. We know that your anger is good for your heart. It's to fuel. There's nothing I can do about it. I was I've been drinking like I've been drinking tea to try and like, but then I get pissed off at how long it takes to seep and I'm like burning my lips on hot water. I'm just fucking mad. I just, um, I just watched the sopranos, the sopranos at where the where Janice goes

to anger management. Uh-huh. And oh, that's awesome. She's in the group therapy and she's like anger management, sorry, Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler and Great Flick. It's the in man. Why are you so mad?

I'm not mad. You're mad. I'm what? I'm Hanukkah. Wow. That could have been your trailer. Here I am. It's me, Mad Jack here for anger management starring me and Ben Goldfarb, whatever his name

is, I love seeing him in his civilians these days where he's just wearing like, like loose fitting workout clothes. That's fine. If all time is not the best, but a top Vines him and Justin Bieber just meeting on the street. Oh, yeah. I was trying to work on a character for stand-up, uh, gay Jack Nicholson. Did we already do that on the show?

Let it run. Let it run. Let it run. If any of you ever heard of gay sex, you put your dick in the asshole, you get your dick hard and you put it in an asshole. There's that great Norm MacDonald's sketch, it's like the first two gay guys, and it's Norm and Will Ferrell and Norm is on the CD. And he's like, hey, why don't we try, and Norm's like, hey, why don't we try this?

And Will Ferrell's just like, ah, stop! And he's like, oh, this is pretty good, and Norm is just like, it's rape, it's gay sex. Yeah, that CD feels so good, the dick right up there in the man's ass. Oh yeah. I'm gay alpachino. Yeah. Who are the scent of a man, the scent of a man's ass. Yeah.

You know, that's a really open-ended dick. Yeah, dude, really, anyone. That's the beauty of it. Dude, honestly, let's just stop recording and put that in like a packet, that's refillable. You know what I mean? Send every week. How about, and then at the end they say, gay from New York, it's Saturday night. Yes.

Wow. It's a play on the classic. Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I would love to just run in an SNL packet that's like, hey everybody, thanks for coming to my press conference, first I just wanted to say I'm gay and I'm a baby, I'm gay and

I love to go to the bathroom in my pants, and it's... President Trump. How could you say that? Oh, because I'm stupid and I'm bad at being president. I'm a gay retard. I'm a gay idiot and I'm bad and I'm really stupid and I love being skewered by kids who went to Harvard, I love being skewered by them. Damn, dude, should we go to Harvard?

We should. We should. We should go to Harvard. Take over the lampoon, you know? And like, show them the Slam Poons. The Slam Poons, yeah. We've made that joke before, I know that. Yeah.

That might be my favorite joke. Take that SNL. Take that everyone that went to the Harvard Lampoon School of... The Come Town Slam Poons. Yeah, yeah. We should start a competing magazine, the Come Town Slam Poons. Yeah, and people would actually read that shit, you know? It would just be pictures.

It would just be pictures. Yeah, it would just be pictures of titties. Oh, yeah, yeah. They'd read those pictures of titties. But it would be, like, captures where, like, nice. Nice. I'm really sick. It's like a guy that gets mad magazine, he thinks it's just for guys that are pissed

off. And he's like, what is this? This is just all fucking jokes. He just tears it up on the subway. Wow. He has a heart attack. That was pretty good. He's happy, though, because that's what he wanted out of it.

Just to be mad. Yeah, I guess it worked. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I'm going to start a gym called Pissed Gym. Mm-hmm. It's for guys that are pissed off. Oh, yeah. You coming here, you better be fucking pissed.

That's Gold's Gym, isn't it? Isn't it where Gold's Gym pissed? No, they're happy. Or is that the Dundalk one? The Dundalk Gold Gym is horrible. Gold Gym is a little aggressive. Yeah. It can be kind of intimidating.

Yeah, a lot of lunks. No, thank you. Mm-hmm. I like going to a gym where they got a lunk alarm. Yeah. Rear, rear. Mm-hmm. No heavy lifting.

Yeah. I want to just get the elliptical. Dude, I went to fucking Planet Finis and I was like... I want to go to Planet Finis and loudly and very visibly and smellily shit myself in the Smith machine. That'd be cool. And when they come over to clean up the mess and get mad at me, you know, well, what happened to the no-judgment zone?

Looks like somebody owes me $10. You fucking bring... You gotta have sex with a child in a Planet Finis. This is like, whoa, hey, no judgment. No judgment. Yeah. Sir, can you please stop jacking off the child porn on the Bowflex? Well, I guess you could just call me the Aaron Brockovich, your Planet Fitness.

I've discovered a flaw in the system. What's that movie Aaron Brockovich is about? Some dumb bitch that figures out water's bad. Yeah, but she's got big... Yeah, but she's got a slut. She's got big tits. Yeah, but she's got a slut. She's got nice cans.

Yeah. That's gotta be the funniest Hollywood pairing. Her two tits? Julia Robertson tits. Yeah. One of them is black and the other one's... Yeah. No.

But she's married to like Lyle Lovett, isn't she? She was. I don't know if she still is. Yeah. He's cool, dude. I like Lyle Lovett. He looks like there was like a fire at the Wax Museum. He's got a fucked up Adam's apple.

Yeah, I like that he's an ugly guy with a hot girlfriend. Ugly guy, big Adam's apple, big nose. Yeah. You like those kind of guys, Adam? Yeah. Yeah. A lot. A lot.

Yeah. Because I don't respect you. Straighten up and stop being gay. Straighten up and stop being gay. I've never heard his music, but I like what he asks. This is number one hit. Straighten up and stop being gay. Yeah, yeah.

That's a good... I support the message. Yeah. Certainly behind it. Yeah. I confuse him and that guy, Chris Isaac. Yeah. Yeah.

We're very similar. He acts and stuff. What is Lyle Lovett in? He's in like a bunch of David Lynch movies. He's kind of creepy. Yeah. Yeah. When he acts, he's like strange.

You think he fucks good? You think he fucked Julia Roberts good? No. She's... She actually has... Julia Slobbers. Negative 32. Blop.

Blop. Blop. Blop. Blop. Blop. Blop. Blop. Blop.

Blop. Blop. You know what the runaway bride was doing? She was running away to suck dick. Yeah. To this, Ocean's five and a half. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah, dude. That's me skinny-dipping. Ocean's five and a half. It's just you like winking at George Clooney and smiling at Matt Damon nude. The show to Silence. Oceans, yeah What was the last one did 13? Now they're doing lady oceans. Yeah, oceans eight. I felt like they don't get as many

I think they've been fucking saying that for a while. Yeah, I think Rihanna is one. Hey oceans to hate What are they gonna get three quarters of the fucking? Score is the man. Yeah Yeah, three fifths. Yeah, dude. They're all black Yeah, yeah, now oceans eight is four women walk into a casino and they cry They just they they put they pull their fucking tits out and stand next to some high roller until he just gives them money That's pretty good. Yeah, the perfect crime. Yeah, that's Sharon Stone's character in Casino, yeah, which I just watched the first two-thirds of recent fatal attraction. It's such a good movie

Yeah, we're talking about fatal attraction. No, you know Because you get slopped off a lot in that Michael Douglas. Yeah, he grabs women's heads And he shoves him on his dick and that is about how I learned how to get Michael Tuglass and he's incapable of jacking Michael Douglas stars as himself and Michael Tuglass Goddamn it if there's one thing I want to do it's just to make love to my own I can't make love to my own penis He's never Michael Douglas has never referred to his dick is anything other than his penis Yeah, I can't wait to put my penis in your vagina

Nothing he says ever sounds hot like oh you're so sexy I can't wait to insert my penis My view into your your love-making vagina hell your labia majority It's mad, you know Katherine Zade is a great pool. She's by the way and by the way after she got sword fucked by Zorro No, thanks, baby. Yep, you know our pussy's just all cut up from that blade big Z Right above her pussy's just chopped off I've locked up in my blade She got bladed at real Keith here. I used to fuck Katherine Zade Jones A lot of people wonder why my voice sounds like this is because I went down on Katherine Zade Jones. I got mouth cancer. I

Got pussy eating cancer from Katherine Zade of Jones. Yeah, that's what I fucked up with my blade She's sweet Michael Douglas by the way. She's sweet will Keith. Did he also get pussy eating cancer? Probably that's what he looks like that He has a speech impediment. Mm-hmm. That guy rules Imagine being that un-fuckable and being like well time to live my life publicly on the internet Time to time to make videos of my sword collection Do you think how many times in his life do you think that guy's fucked? Zero you think absolutely zero. He's never had not a single time ever. I

Really, there's probably some rent probably way more virgins, and you think there are no Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's probably way more people that haven't fucked I don't know you think yeah, I don't know how many people in the world There's probably more people that haven't fucked. There's more people that have murdered than you think. Oh Oh, I like this tape. Well, you think more definitely more people haven't fucked than murdered I think one in every 20 people is murdered. Yeah How many people have fucked I was talking about getting a gun the other day. Well, I guess I should keep that New York City can't fuck around with that. I know that's what I want to say. You get plexigode. Yeah, what's plexigot plexigoburis?

This is a fellow wide receiver who shot himself in the leg at a club and then went to jail I thought like what four years for shooting wild self. Yeah, shooting himself. Yeah, what a cell phone. Yeah epic Yeah, the the gun laws really suck here, but apparently we can go up to Vermont and get guns really easy Oh, nice. Yeah, Bernie style. Yeah, Bernie's a big fan of guns, right? Well, they try to say that Bernie fucks I don't think he's I saw him with his shirt off fucking shooting two Second sucking a gun off about a gay R15. Yes, what have they heard that you say that and then That's an air horn goes off in the south and they all have to kill themselves Okay, that should be the gun reform legislation is that you just changed the name to the gay R15

I wish I could write for willing grace willing grace is basically this show Jack is like the same as your Jack. No, Adam's Jack. Adam's also will you're Adam's grace. Yeah So willing grace is just me. I'm a guy that fucks Megan Mullally's big-ass titties. Yeah, dude. I would tittie fucker Ron swans if you want my personal opinion, dude, can I be honest with you? I would also to be if I'm being completely honest She would get to be fucked. Absolutely I'd give her oceans five and three quarters. Yeah intertees a big old whoopee cushion tits. Yeah Making noise farting and she

She's just laying her tit on a chair. I Did a really good visual good joke guys you missed it. I'm sorry She she her voice in real life isn't like on willing grace, right? No, but I think it puts that on for willing grace I kind of like that. It's kind of like we do video content because I'm really feel like that whole the tit What do you've been doing stop eating soy The food. No, is that why you have breasts? No, I have you do have breasts now because they're beautiful and luxurious Cuz I heard you lost weight, but it's not coming off your breasts. I don't think I lost weight I think I'm exactly the same. You're just growing bigger breasts. I'm yeah, I'm doing I've been in the bench

Thanks for noticing guys. Yeah, I've been just fucking that did like seven push-ups the other day Yeah, that's not the bench on a bench on a bench. I was sitting on a park bench. You were just pushing up air You're flat on your back pushing up. Yeah, yeah sitting on the bench. We're outside of the don't say it ice cream Inside a big gay ice cream real place. It's pretty good. Take it back. It is actually really great big guys They got this one that's salty. Oh my god, and that don't say to let you salt salty pimp salty pimp I don't like that was much like American glob. I believe which is there which is you know, yes, which is their pretzel Pretzel chocolate peanut butter, which is my shit

Yeah, and some you shut that out. Huh? You shut that out your shit Dude, if that happened, I would I would eat my own ass. I would figure out how to do it Would you eat your own shit if you shit out like hamburgers and fucking? Yes curly-frozen That's not the kind of way you could say from you could currently save money by eating out of the garbage Yeah, yeah, it's true. Okay, but do they taste like regular hamburgers? Like what are you talking? Are they shit-covered? No, they come out, but they came out of your ass. Do they come out wrapped in something? They come out. I do love cheeseburger wrappers Unwrapping a cheeseburger. That's such a good feeling. Yeah, so it's so much better than every other feeling in life

I agree. I can't wait to get fat again. I'm not gonna get at some point you will I'm too goth to get fat. You will at some point get very fat. No, you have one more at least in you No, I'm done. Maybe you're old or something. I'm not gonna make it the old no Take time your next big breakup. You're gonna get fat a shit, dude. Yep I'm not gonna get fat. Yeah, you are and he's never gonna break up the next big I also don't I also don't I'm not one of those guys who gets fat when they break up. I get fat when I'm in a relationship Yeah, me too. I don't get Again, I get jacked when I'm ramping up to break up with somebody

Yeah When you're about to go back on that mark all I know is you will get my thing now is now You know what it is is because I'm old enough now to have the patience to go to the gym Because I was impatient when I was younger, but now I'm like, I mean I could do bonsai and stuff and assure you're yeah You're bonsai. Oh, yeah. Yeah by the day. I've learned Zen garden. I've learned patience. I do it twice totally to a bonsai tree twice Did you fuck your bonsai tree up? Most of them are dead. Yeah I ripped one of their heads off. I

Got angry And you ate it. Yeah, well, I signed the lease on a new apartment today. Oh, you signed me. Oh, yeah, everything's done Dude, it's really everything is changing the locks tonight. I'm moving the more what no way Yeah, dude, because I just wanted to get it over. I thought you needed you were moving five one No, that sofa downstairs. It's really not a room for it. Are you sure you should measure it? No, I'm gonna get the smaller version of ones. We already have Come on get something nice. Talk to me. I already got the fucking ottoman. I want the couch that matches it Because of my ottoman you're gonna get a couch. Don't piss me off

$270 ottoman that I know you did not I did to match the fucking because I didn't think it this is right Literally days before I thought I was gonna have to fucking move. We can make it nice Nick We can make you fucking make yourself quiet. What do you make myself quiet and let me handle He's right about that. No, no, Nick. Please when it comes to aesthetics interior decor I've got the right amount. It's got the right friends. Yeah, of course Yeah, no, the couch is the couch is the only thing that I just want that because that that I fit I measured everything based on replacing The couch with the one that I have so that aspect doesn't change. Okay, everything else is fine

Which ottoman wait matches the black leather couch you have right now that yeah the chocolate ottoman I have I Haven't been over the Turkish man. I haven't been there a long time. I'm sure an ottoman Turk Yeah, well, that's offensive. No, no, I'm happy. Fuck those fucking. Oh, you put your feet on them I put my foot in their ass Cyrus Oz Turk. Mm-hmm. Fuck him. He's bent over on all fours. Am I Towing his ass every day is disrespect. Yeah, I remember one time in college. I heard these like four kids talking this language There was this I dated this girl who told me about her ex-boyfriend putting his foot in her pussy To disrespect her and how hot that was

I just can't I don't want a toenail in your yeah. Yeah, it's disgusting. It's disgusting. She sucked. Yeah, that's this I mean, yeah, you get athlete foot in your pussy Have you ever had your toes licked in like a Woman wanting to get degraded manner my dog licks my feet every day and yes, it is sexual Yeah, no, the best is Because I don't really give a shit. I'm not very I'm not a very sexual person. I'm more about power. Yes That's why you're a rapist, right? It's about molestation and yes, that's why you're an active rapist. Yeah

That's why I fuck kids it's not really about The sex really so much is about having sex with children You have so much more power over their little asses when it comes down to it kids very bad at having sex Not not the best. It's not about sex is about power. That's why I hook women up to a car battery That's why you have sex at AC Delco. Yeah with a girl at AC Delco Is that the battery place? What battery place a store that's all batteries. Yeah AC Delco is a good aftermarket parts company for like spark plugs. Is that what it is? They make like radiators

Do not put that you meant you meant Napa. I think Napa. That's why my Napa auto parts That's where you fuck them. Yeah Napa auto parts. It's where like white people drink wine and all right. I'm done Nice yeah, I'm about to take a nap after listening to Adam's great Shit dude a couple people I got to say also we're pretty offended by my Muhammad the prophet impression in the last episode. I don't remember. I just want to apologize do it again Cuz it's too late dude. Once you get a far twat. That's it. What did you do? I'm trying to shout out the Muslims for Inventing the public pylon, you know, that's true Came up with that shit

Yeah And you know it seemed like a bad idea when Muslims were blowing people up for doing things like drawing a cartoon But now that that seems to be the best way to handle anything, you know, you don't like something you get to people fire It's a good point. Yeah, I guess probably shout out. That's Muslims get the shout out of the week I don't know if I'm remembering her name correctly Can we talk this is this yes, we got to talk about it. Yeah, I don't know One joke I got take a look at her she looks like a guess who character that's good that bitch's face is fucked up It's long. No, I got a long ass nose. It's pinched

It's like is your character a mass shooter folks. I'm gonna just wait until these hot riffs hit the stand Actually not on the show right I'm gonna be running these bits by Patrick at the Next to the rich boss merch table It's just hats. Yeah, it's just a collection of Perry Cuomo style hats. Yeah Um, yeah, the the shooter apparently what she was mad about was she posted like a workout video and then YouTube Age protected it as 18 plus and she got real pissed Honestly, I can be off to some of those workout vids. Some of those are just pornography

Maybe you know, I haven't you seen late girls with big-ass butts and titties just squatting and shit. Yeah, but you can get that on Instagram I don't have to go on YouTube. How about jerk out vids? Yes Oh, so they should call him. I agree Suzanne powders fine smooth body and her male skull Mm-hmm. There's nothing better than that To fuck a woman to jack off to a fully clothed woman. It looks like Bart Simpson. Oh, yeah, that's what I want That's my shit. Yeah a woman wearing a remember in the beginning of the episode. We were talking about sending men Your shirtless pics. Yeah, there's a nice case being made. I can't believe that gay guy I doxed you like that after sending him such a doc saying well

I mean, that's that's personal if I'm setting if I'm setting my chest to a gay guy Put it all over the web. Hey, there's some sort of innate understanding part of the game This is all Nick conspiracy. This is how he posts these pictures. He's created a gay man who Leaked it. Oh, he's leaking himself. He's a little drama queen. How do you like my progress? Yeah, this is some this is some 3d chess bullshit Yeah, yeah, I think I'm on I was like this is why like people are like oh Donald Trump knows what he's doing Yeah, nope. You're the Donald Trump of sex. I have no idea I'm a man that stumbled ass backwards into a Gran Turismo racing wheel and I don't outside of that I don't really have a plan. He's playing he's playing it down. Yep. Yeah, what he's doing. We're gonna see more leaps

Oh, I'll show you playing it down. Oh No, I'm playing it down. I'm Sean Penn I'm playing it down starting Sean Penn everybody. I want to thank you for coming through my community feeder production of rent My name is scooter scooter sham walk. I'm the first openly down syndrome

Played director. I'm completely out of the cookie class Whatever Yeah, that was barely I had a friend that um did like like theater. It's like it's like it's like, okay. I did cement it so instead of 5,021 the minute song we're not doing that. We're gonna go six minutes Yeah, that's a number I think more people can comprehend Actually, it's just colors no numbers I ever show you guys

Howard Katelyn. No. Oh my god. It was like one of my favorite videos on the internet like 10 years ago So I'm like 1993 There's this center in Palatine, Illinois for like mentally disabled adults where like a little town They could live in and they learn like life skills or whatever and they had like an AV program I guess where they would like tape shows and then they would put the shows on public access which huge mistake So some beautiful man Yeah, some some guy who I would aspire to be early 90s had the insight to

tape this 30-minute broadcast of the Merrill Howard Katelyn show which is this obese mentally disabled man Who has his own cooking show fuck? Yeah, and he like in like this completely unsanitary fashion He prepares like a salad while handling raw chicken. Yeah, you know it makes like the most disgusting me It's like a chicken with Jello But the whole time he's like because he wants to be like a TV chef, you know, so he's like doing impressions It's extremely dated because it's like from 1992. He's like I'm Raquel Welch. Look at me

The idea they kind of like just like imagining that a retard a guy now would know who Raquel Welch is And then do an impression of her. It's just so funny You know, he's like doing French gourmet and and Julia Childe, you know, it's really funny. I was just gonna say He died actually. No. Yeah. Yes people like lift up this thing. They were harassing his family Oh Yes, the internet rocks guy, I was in college I knew this girl who went to Georgetown who's in the theater department She was directing a play and I was trying to fuck her so yeah, I'll go to your play

Yeah, and it was about homelessness and Mr. Freeway. What have I told you about trying to defy my actors? No, so they got I'm sorry, mr. Skittles They got a they got like I had to bust my ass off to become a teacher at this school After not even being able to attend it They got a real not to have some faggot like you Come in here and try to sell me the drama department Yeah, anyway, but they sorry for being dramatic So what happened they did a like play but they were like we don't want to have like someone play like a crazy homeless

Person so they got a real street person to be in the play and they they had to cancel at the first night Because like the guy had a meltdown on stage. He just started yelling about he's like fuck. Fuck, you know like punching himself in the face That's it that's it Eric wean into the moment Really explored a character here, and it was so funny because before the play like her and don't stop to play He's having a break room. This is we're acting This is what Brando talked about Her and like the co-director like gave this like fucking self-righteous like oh, this is about Representation like we're just trying to tell stories that aren't being told

Play like an acting coach who who like played a retarded guy back in the 70s And he was so committed to method acting that he became retarded and couldn't fix himself after so now He just says to teach acting because he's yep. Well a little bit about my I Went to Julia the Julia conservatory and then in 1973 I was in a commercial production of my cement And since then I've never been the same Unfortunately sometimes you give so much of yourself to your art that you're never able to return Someone yeah, sometimes you say so much ironic wasted stuff that you cross that threshold and your soul can never be saved

And you might as well just become full-wasted Not that this is what's happened to me Anyone involved turn of that character. It's just an example of something that maybe could happen to somebody I like the idea that maybe gets like a like a lobotomized for the role Yeah, fuck that dog. I only get the top of mine. Oh, yeah, ain't nobody ain't nobody's thinking a dick in my brain. Yeah, the doctor said I told him fuck no You can you cut my brain out any way you want but you are not sticking your dick in there so true anyways I still got the cancer

Damn they used to really fucking They there was like no they used to like try and fix people from being retired right like these like fix by Storing them in an attic. Yeah, and like yeah yelling at them up, dude Yeah, now we make them. That's what jails were originally before they invented crimes It was just like what do we do with all these retarded people? They're like lock them up. Yeah, I mean, that's still sort of yeah in Texas Tejas Spartanages Spartans you should just kill anyone that was deformed. Yeah, they put them in the woods. Yeah, a retarded baby They just drop them in the middle of the fucking woods

That's badass I wish that had happened to me That's how Yeah, dude, I would love to be like a Mowgli kind of little boy Yeah, you would get eaten so quick. No way, dude. I make friends with the bears would eat your ass. No way, Bri No, I would make it out there on my own. I would never survive. Yeah blue would fuck you You don't have a rite of passage ceremony like I did at my Bar Mitzvah. You don't know what happened What's a Greek Bar Mitzvah? We don't have one unfortunately. Mm-hmm. Do Greek churches do confirmation my big fat Greek Bar Mitzvah Mm-hmm. That'd be a fun movie. Yeah, we should do it

Let's shoot it right now. I never saw my big fat Greek wedding. It's a modern cinema classic. Maybe I should watch that the the The travel at the Yahya sisterhood Traveling sisterhood of traveling that's also has the Yahya's and the joy I'm gonna watch all the movies that I haven't seen it's only this for me I watched sisterhood of the traveling pants with my cousin and we started it was on Crying and holding each other and then we're like 20 minutes in we realized it was sisterhood of the traveling pants And then we both looked at each other. We're like, I just like movies dude. Let's just see what them see what happens

Yeah, you watched it all. Yeah, we watched the whole thing Magical pants everyone pray love. They're just such tight boy. They're such like such a crew like they were magical pants No, it's just it's sort of a none. Yeah. Well, yeah, they fit like the ones got like a huge ass What's her name America Ferrera? I was like, who's the sister of Jerry Ferrera from entourage. I was looking up with this dumpy girl for a while and nice I really hated her. That's cool. And she She one time she was like she like but she like bought tickets to Europe on a whim. She's like, I'm doing it I'm going to Europe and I was like, why are they making a movie about you called eat cry eat?

That's good. And then she cried. That's a great burning very cruel Yeah, it was me. It's nice. Hey, but what? Hey, I was drunk. Yeah, you know, what do you want from me? What am I supposed to be a saint over here? Yeah, you're right. Everybody has flaws Anyways, you know what I didn't mean to be that mean but I thought I thought of the burn in my head And it was right when that movie came out. Yeah, I mean, I don't get wrong the burn is unbelievable Yeah, it was knocked it out of the park. It was too good. I apologize immediately after I'm like, look you have to understand You can't let something like that beautiful mind, right? You're allowed to buy tickets to Europe on a whim I'm gonna I'm gonna have to say things. Yeah, you were just visualizing like fat and sad

You like you 90 minutes after that, sure Did you smash? Yeah Dude all the gay men are you so turned on right now by that Uh-huh. Yeah, I'll be treated bad by you. Yeah, right your big muscles. I love our gay fans. I Don't have big muscles. I'm just cut. I got like a little otter thing going on Otter no say it's a beer definitely. No, you're like a little kid. You're like a kung fu panda Come a kung fu pan. No, I wish that's a fed Asian guy. Dude. You're a little cunt. Is that what gay people call fed Asian guys? I would assume so yeah in their community. Yeah, I mean, why do they get all they get really fun names?

I know they get to just I was trying to do a bit about this, but Sean Donnelly basically has the same bit But he's angles at like if you're gay and you're fat you get to be a bear But it's not even true like a very fat guy. They just call it chub And it's like everyone else like a chub chaser Yeah, one gets otter and gets like fucking wolf and shit and then if you're just fat They're like just is that what I'm I'm a wolf. No, you're a twink. That's what you're out One thousand percent a twink. That's not true. You haven't seen me without my shirt on recently. Yes, we have I look pretty fun. You look terrible. And you're getting all soft too. You look like you belong in diapers

Oh, yeah, I If any of the gay guys that I send those pictures to leak that on the internet I'm gonna be really of your balls. See, I won't do my do what you want, dude In fact, you know what I appreciate the move. I like exactly see the power move Mm-hmm. It's all about power for Nick now. He's turned on by the gay I don't really know how to operate unless people are fucking with me Yeah, dude, just things could be nice. I can't deal with with sincerity You're a chub and not a bear

A cub is a hairless bear not just a smaller bear. I Don't know the exact. I just I don't feel like I'm a bear. I'm not hairy enough. Nick. You've been shaving your chest No, I've never shaved my chest. Are you gonna get into that when you get to your ideal? No, no, it's really uncomfortable I did it one time and yeah when it grows back. It's like, yeah, yeah, it's worse than it's worse than sunburn Are you gonna be doing the like the bronzer kind of thing like mr. Yeah Yeah, yeah going around in speedos. That's the funniest part of the way lifting competitions is that they're all in black face Yeah, yeah, so that's where they do that weightlifting competitions. Yeah, you know exactly what you're talking about. Power lift is just smearing fucking bronzer on No, you know what I mean. You know what I mean? Like Mr. Olympia. Bodybuilding. Not weightlifting. Whatever. Yeah, but for all the weightlifting competitions

They put on their geared speedos. That's cool. That would be awesome because those guys are fat as shit, dude Yeah, that'd be so funny. Just use fucking just some fat Japanese guy. Yeah You should get into bronzer. You should have like oh, no my next move after this is is I become a Yoko's Somebody sent Literally just a video of a guy lifting weight Woman lifting oh, it's a woman. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, she's gonna do the Tom of Finland thing in your living room Yeah, that and I told stop the other edition is taxidermy. Oh, I hate that. I hate that idea You should have like heads. Well, I want to get I want to get like

Commissioned like you get like Like a zebra or horse or something or a lion But it's the head and then you stretch the skin over like a man's skeleton's body with just a huge penis Just you know, he's like scratching Yeah, yeah, but it's hard but it's hanging. Yeah, but also like breasts like Like three pairs of tits three tits three pairs six Luscious tits with a big the ultimate animal gender like the three Or maybe I could get a taxidermy Julia Vins from my apartment completely nude

You just want someone in Russia. I mean, it's not that expensive to have a hit taken out in Russia Yeah, I just have her skin. I wouldn't kill her Julia. Well, he wants to kill her to be close to her. Literally You murdered that vagina. Yeah, right to get a little Zorro in that pussy You guys could steal Powers from one person prepare to have your pussy destroyed by Wilkie the bladesmen If you could steal someone's essence like space jam style Mm-hmm. You take some talent that someone has. Yeah, and you put it into your body. What would it be?

Probably some app guy so you just make apps. Yeah, it'd be nice to just have a billion dollars right now and then check out I Guess I mean, I'm so close to your time. Yeah, you basically kill myself kill yourself work out Yeah, get a sailboat learn how to sail like at least down in the middle of the ocean and blow my brains out Okay. Mm-hmm. That's cool. You could get into like you face time me while you're about to do it. Yeah If I had a lot of money, I'd try to get into like oh before that I would wait till next Halloween because I want to do it's my costume. Oh, yeah But it's trans blue but then also with the Joker makeup Oh, it's trans. It's Joker trans blue. Oh, yeah, dude, that's a good idea

Everyone sense ass Everyone don't know Just go to parties. I wasn't invited to You're just in a bear costume Just walk around Bushwick until I find a door that's unlocked like going to a party I'm not too stoked about my Halloween costume. H. Ween. Yeah, Dasha has a couple of this idea. Oh, yeah, yeah Where you go is Dasha? That would rock if I went as soon you and she went

Allen that would rock No, if she wants to do like a Mary Antoinette kind of like gay French kind of thing Yeah, you kind of do look like a marquee already. Yeah. Thank you. You have like the marquee You're like the guy in the French court that they would all fuck his ass when the women were busy the jester You want to know how I got these scars Getting fucked in the ass by the marquee I had a mole removed No, yeah, I don't know if I'm convinced I want to do that, but what are you gonna do something with eldest

I don't know. Maybe maybe we'll just be the M&M. Dude. Yeah, that's a great costume. You really should yeah Oh, you know what I want to do this year and I didn't do is Joel Santana and camera. You know, it's funny Is what if you go you go to a Halloween car or a Halloween party? There's always like some grown man who's like 32 years old and like an army man costume. Yeah And it's like just don't do a costume. Yeah, that's steal. That's like six years old All right, this is a piece of up. Does he paint his hair green his face green and shit like all the way No, that's the Hulk. That's not an army man No, like he means like a big army man like figurine. Stop. You should be guile for Halloween

You should just die at that top. No, hold on. Just die with the little amount of hair. You have Bottoms I'm nailing it I just jacked people and make people and then I get offended That's so funny, I saw a guy at a bar a couple years ago and he was already kind of jacked But then he had a bar. Yeah, he was already kind of jacked and he was already had a receding hairline Nice, like it was already like pretty far back in his head And but he had fake muscles on on top of his muscles and then he shaved his receding hairline back

So you could tell that it was like shaved to be more receding and I was like, are you supposed to be Jason Statham? He's like, yeah I was like, that's the funniest Just barely. Yeah, you're so yeah, he was you already. Yeah, right. I just like added to what he already was I Did you just wear like a black suit and be like, I'm fucking John Wick, dude I'm a fat guy in a hill-fitting suit. That's just a shitty, patchy beard Yeah, that's that opens up a hole like every action movie every like yeah, oh fuck That's perfect

I'm John Wick. I'm fucking John Wick, dude. Grow my hair out. It's like as long as I can I'm John Wick. I'm just like a fucking fat homeless guy who found his suit in the fucking trip store That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. That would be so awesome. I think you should do that honestly. Yeah Shit Yeah, yeah, I'm John Wick. I'm John Wick, bro. Maybe I'll grow my hair out for Halloween Figure something out. Yeah, man, I was laughing so hard We were at the bar the other night and the staff was all high and I was like fucking like Werewolves of London or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it stops like

Singing along and he goes to play air instruments, but he can't decide which instrument he wants Drums and guitars. I was doing drums with one hand and then like the neck of the guitar Wow, that's cool. Yeah, I've been getting very high again. Yeah, you were so fucked up the other night What do you think you're eating weed again? No, not yet, but we're gonna get there soon. Somebody ate all my weed They're at least edible Sorry, dude, I was pretty hungry No, I'm just smoking vape pens a lot. Okay, but I'm back on weed after six months to nine months absence I think I'm gonna stop after this weekend. I smoke heady Indicus. Oh

After my birthday party, perhaps. Oh, yeah guys. I'm having a birthday party on Saturday night Why are you saying that they don't know where it is? I'm just brad. Yeah, they probably I'm throwing myself a surprise party enough people that We sort of know listen to this show that now you've opened yourself up to some horrible shit now. Yeah, I was just kidding I'm not actually I know exactly who I'm thinking should we say is it dress? Do you want to give you don't say my fucking address? Yes, I won't. I'm just two. Shut up. It was a joke about the birthday party and about those two numbers. Yeah, those are both jokes

Please you really fucked up that's on you pal. Yeah I mean Nick also I'm John I'm John, which I'm like, dude. We talked about a little fake Look so bad like a fucking car salesman in a black and white suit Missionary Stringy as fucking Krusty the clown Yeah, no way grow out my hair grow out my patchy beard. I like that look for you though

You should go long bald pony. You've been talking about it. That's that's definitely gonna happen at some point in my life I'm just not ready yet. God damn it. That's funny. This year. I think I'm doing enough this spring It's so we can say that to be like, oh, all right, or dude with this Mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and say I'm Tom Yeah, I'm Tom Hardy an inception Yeah, I'm Bronson Bronson's bald, dude We need good we need facial hair hair and Jack that's the secret to this costume

And Like a different race would be nice to really like make it stupid. I might be raiding this year. That's that's not bad Yeah, maybe I should be there. Maybe we should do so on your character. Yeah Yeah, if you're Sonya, you already have the physique for it. Yeah, I could do so. Yeah. Yeah, dude Just get a green one-piece bikini. You're not just hanging out of it. It's very high way Yeah, yeah, yeah, just dick out one side balls out the other And then I go trick-or-treating That's so funny an adult man going trick-or-treating exposed

Sonya, I Would I could get like a Sailor Moon costume and goes just go around Going around is Luigi, but with your dick pulled through the zipper I Think that works for any Like a wallow each Fuck well Halloween is we're really got a lonely six months away. Yeah, I've never thought about Halloween In advance before you go Steve Harvey for Halloween. Yeah, we should be the we should be the original King's Edric, of course

I would be a not Bernie Mac. I would be Bernie Mac deal Hughley You're clearly DL Hughley Down down low down. Yeah, do people say he's gay like the gay the black gay Sexual underworld. I don't know if he was Choosing the name DL pretty bold pretty brave Or it's a good like bat signal for other guys How about Pete Pete how about P smell Hughley? Mm-hmm. He smells like you smell Hughley. Yeah, I like that idea That's sounds a little bit like I like that a lot actually personally about a smell. It sounds like what like DL

It sounds like yeah, P smell Hugh P smell. Yeah, yeah There's one thing I hate is how bad I smell. I don't even remember his stand-up. Yeah, it's not good He's definitely the worst one. Yeah Although said you know the order goes Bernie Mac one Cedric to Martin Lawrence He's not Oh, we're just I thought we were ranking Barack Barack Obama Trayvon Martin Michael Jordan. Yeah W eb Du Bois the trans woman from

Orange is the new black Darth Vader's voice Uncle Ben from the Uncle Ben. Yeah, rice grimace from McDonald's It's true you've never heard grimace talk I used to do a joke about how how like McDonald's gets way too excited about black history month. Yeah, you know It's like not to do the bit, but you know, it's like suddenly the Hamburg where it's just been shot by the police The grimace has lips all the sudden which I thought that was such a good line Grimace has lips all of a sudden because you imagine grimace with like lips Yeah lips and it's like what that's too much. That's just black face. Yeah, give grimace. I guess the joke would never work

Even though I don't know I did I still don't understand comedy. Yeah, my my understanding of it as you go on stage I say the most racist things you can think of and then people laugh at it, but sometimes it doesn't work It's interesting, you know makes you understand the nuances of art Dude, that's anyways back to the drama teacher that has Down syndrome Because he went too deep method is my snare. Yeah Adam you should be do a my snare method. How about the crystal method acting? Oh, that's cool like a Like a trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah get busy child. I guess you didn't know did they do smack my bitch up with that That's the prodigy. That's the prodigy

Dude, sorry. I don't know enough about you. You're so not cool. Is that I don't listen to cool music Oh, you know about his idea me and my Romanian friends listen to Yeah, really cool tunes man This is not one thing I love is to listen to really cool tunes. We're too much clone and beaches You got to love beaches. I've never had sex Yeah, I like that. I like the new new man you may a song I think it's about time to wrap this up boys about that time. Are we gonna music on one thing? I like about toddlers It's preschoolers. Yeah, that's the thing. I love about these old-ass women. Oh

You know, I'm younger than them and I fuck them I was outside the nursing home The older they get more the harder my dick People are like, are you talking to me? Who's he talking doing that scene to other guys other guys? Yeah, I Thought it was just been walking by on the street. Yeah, Ben Affleck's a bully in that he tries to paddle something Why are people talking so much about Ben Affleck and like shitting on him the back? He has a bad back. What's going on with Ben Affleck and escape rooms?

What is this people keep talking about no, don't don't go into my What the hell is this people are talking about? I don't know Adam Friedland here You're living in the Adam Friedland radio show number the folks. Let me ask you this escape rooms What is what nobody knows what these things are? Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Okay. All right. Nobody knows you worked up. I'm sorry. I'll let you finish Hold on a second. That's not me talking. That's like the majority of talk radio. Yeah He's posing a question 19 different ways with 45 seconds and dead air in between Obamacare

That's what they're calling it That's not what I'm calling it. That's what they chose to call this It rules now really is that Tell me is that No, really. I want you to tell I'm sorry. I'm gonna work out. I'm gonna work up here. I'm a little upset I'll be honest with you. Yeah, I mean I'm honest. He's like something because like most people I've worked hard To be where I met in life

swollen prostate I've got five hairs left on my head I'm addicted to Oxycontin I'm addicted to it. I had knee surgery in 1987 And I've been doing the equivalent of seven bags of heroin and back pain pills since then So what I'm saying is I'm a patriot and I deserve to get the military discount at the movie theater So when you pass a piece of legislation That says that I have to pay for some retarded kids, you know anti-choking medicine

I'm sorry, but it makes me pissed off And if you're pissed off, I want you to call in in the next 45 minutes. We've got two tickets to go see rush We're gonna we're gonna we're gonna go see rush together and we're gonna scream at them for their bullshit Canadian ideas About free healthcare Hi, Adam, I'm longtime caller Is it true that all all those kids are not only crisis actors, but they're gay. I'll take my call off the air Thank you, you know, I don't really like the term crisis actor, you know, why because It makes it sound more fun than it is. I like movies

Mm-hmm, you know, I like crisis. I'm having a midlife crisis right now I bought a Porsche and I ran up $30,000 in credit card debt for enzyme pills basically every email I got about Regaining the erections. I thought I had back in high school. Hi, Adam. Are you ever going to? Offer refunds on all the enzymes that you personally sponsored for the last six months You gave us your guarantee this show doesn't sell anything any endorsements that I've done I'm not responsible for and I think that the 35-minute disclaimer at the end of the episode Make it clear that that's not my responsibility

You're listening to the faggot the morning Dude, I want to be am 107 zero Long Island's fucking radio station the only radio station in Long Island Fuck did we did we talk about that shooter enough? What did she do? Yeah, it was a lady and she She also said that 8% of anal sex cases result in pregnancy. True. Yeah, which I agree with your Jesus strong enough It'll swim through your ass up into your mouth jump out. Mm-hmm jump into the pussy. So that's right gay, man Yeah, double check, you know, we should we should let scientists tried to tell you it can't happen Okay, so I if like that's like a there's like a pregnant gay guy with like a little tattoo of a bumblebee on his lower back

He's like the scientist said he shouldn't be able to fly What if the next Jesus what if the Messiah oh? Yeah, baby that comes out of a gay man. Yep It's immaculate fucking conception babies everybody else was saying Mary probably just got fucked right, right? But now there's no way. Yeah, no way. That's what guys. That's what God should do. Mm-hmm This is you listen to listen to the Tom Myers bit Nah, dude, Tom Tommy. I'm Tom. Go ahead and take that one She got him on the show. Yeah, we should I was trying to get a book for skanks fast

But Lewis is like, I don't know who that is and it's like well look into it Lewis. Come on. Yeah, you're missing a beautiful golden opportunity Yeah, yeah, I mean skanks fast Headlining Tom Myers would be the funny unbelievable. That'd be incredible He tagged me in like a memories thing. I guess that that that thing happened five years ago. Yeah It's so funny. I'll be blocked on it. We're gonna be like dying before we know it It'll be the end of our lives and be like remember a couple weeks ago. We went to that Tom What was that like six months ago? Like shit, I'm 62 Tom's been dead for 30 years

Tom remember he died in that bong hit transplant and that's the show folks, right?