The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. CCT – Camera Test

Episode Date: October 20, 2022

The set is ready to be lit. We filmed this one but won't release the video until the first real video episode comes out. COME TO ACME COMEDY CLUB THIS WEEKEND. OCTOBER 20-22. PLEASE patreon.com/tafs

It's time, god damn. listening to the Adam Freedgen show. I'm your guest host, Alec Baldwin. I heard that you sent a woman to suck my dick. Is that true? I've been rewatching clips from the shadow trying to dial in the Alec Baldwin voice while I still have it.

I'm hoping this isn't permanent. I talked to a woman recently last night who told me she had laryngitis for two and a half months. And I don't know if I can do that and continue to do my job, which is run my mouth for a living, unless I can dial in this Alec Baldwin voice. But it's slipping further away.

I'm becoming more Winnie the Pooh, less Alec Baldwin every minute. And maybe I can make Winnie the Pooh work. I'm thinking I start dressing up like Winnie the Pooh. And I gain hundreds of pounds. And I go on stage with just a shirt on and my penis and legs covered in honey. And then I act really cute.

I act like it's a cute thing to just sexually assault. Well, my show, maybe 25, 30 people, however many came out for early show Saturday. Let's say total 67 people over eight shows for an entire weekend. That's about how many tickets I'm selling these days. And I go, oh, bother. Oh, I'm so bothered by my inability to get pussy.

If someone could please, if someone could please do my poo. Everybody do the poo. That's not gonna be my catchphrase. And Adam is back with the water. They got a fresh pulling spring. How's that water? It's good.

Did you put a new, you had to put a new bottle in there? No, it just started coming out faster. I thought the bottle was done. Oh. Did you switch it? I didn't switch it. I switched it last week. Maybe the ghost switched it.

I don't know if I want to do the reveal too early, but. No, we don't want to spoil the ghost thing. Yeah, people don't know that the studio is haunted. It's haunted by the Central Park Five. Are they dead? No, they're probably our age. No, I think they're a little bit older. No, they were accused when they were like six, seven years old.

Were they six year olds? It was, well, the rape happened at 330 in the afternoon. And, and, and about two and a half miles away. Yeah. There was a little, there was a Dominican little league game. And Danny Almonte was arrested. And they said, yeah, these are the guys that did it. So they said they were six and seven,

but they were actually 19 years old. Yeah. Welcome to the Adam Friedland show, folks. I will be in Minneapolis this weekend, starting tomorrow, Thursday night, Thursday through Saturday. Minneapolis, they call it. The Minneapolis. The Minneapolis.

Is that what they call it? I think in Fargo, I think that people outside say, oh, Minneapolis. You're not going to be in St. Paul. Yeah. And why is it so hot in here? We had the, we had the radiators plugged. I turned the radiator off in the office,

and it's a fucking tropical rain force in there. It's still, it's still like 150 degrees in here. It's so hot in there. Yeah. But it's nice out here. It's kind of cozy out here. I could turn the air conditioner on. I mean, the inside air conditioner?

Yeah. Not the one that leaks. I don't, yeah. The left one, not the right one. I think they fixed the one that leaked. I don't trust them. You don't trust them now? Now that we have this stuff here, I don't, I don't.

Folks, Acme Comedy Club this weekend. I'll be there. The Looney Tunes Comedy Club. I'll be there all week. Is this playing? We're, we're. I'm going to record it. Yeah.

I don't know if we'll be able. We got the cameras rolling. The set is not done entirely. Well, we're not lit. And yeah, it's not lit. And then also there's some, just some stuff missing. So this is coming out tomorrow. Yeah.

And I want to do like a little, like just a test to see how it looks. Yeah. And cut it together, get an idea of where the cameras are going to be. It's pretty exciting. It is exciting. Is Ed going to be around next week?

Monday. Monday. Yeah, he said he'd come Monday after. Awesome. Yeah. OK. And there's no Jewish holidays? I don't know.

Because that could fuck things up for us. Why? You would know better than I would. Well, if we need to rent any type of film equipment in the city, it can't be on a Jewish holiday, apparently. That's true. They don't know about this outside New York. There's too many Jews in New York City.

Oh, no. He's back. Anti-Semitic Alec Baldwin. I've been wondering recently, maybe this Donald Trump guy is actually Jewish. It doesn't sound like Alec Baldwin anymore. No, you lost it. That was Cri-Macho.

Dude, it was so funny. I love this, Nick. I meant your dad asked me to come to Mexico to find you. Did you watch Cri-Macho? He said the only way, the only way you'd come back is if a 183-year-old man came down here and tried to purchase you. That movie doesn't make any sense.

Did you watch that? Why? I'm not half way, I should do it. It's very funny. He just waddles around Mexico and kicks people's asses. I was at Opinion in 1971 when he was doing the rodeo. And then it says, 850 years later. And then we see him and fucking Dwight Yocum. Dude, that would be a great guess for the show.

Dwight Yocum? I would love that. He should be a permanent fixture on the show. He should be on the show. I honestly, if he wanted to make it the Dwight Yocum show, I would humbly. I'm surprised. After I get the Adam Friedland show off the ground,

turn this into the best talk show anyone's seen. I'm ditching your ass. I'm finding Dwight Yocum. And I'm creating the even greatest radio talk show that anyone's ever seen. Honestly? The Dwight Yocum show on Sirius XM. Society and Nature.

It's video, and it's on public access. And it has nothing to do with Sirius. Yeah, we're going to say that this is the NPR official Adam Friedland show and have nothing to do with NPR. Yeah. We're going to get sued by those pussies. What's with the backwards N in Hebrew?

Is that sort of like a fuck you? No, that's Cyrillic. That's like a fuck you. That's Russian and Greek. No, they have it in Hebrew. The backwards N, for sure. A laugh. Oh, the chet.

No, it's a chet. A chet? Oh, remember you heard me speak Hebrew the other day? I want to put the chet on. The Thomas's girlfriend. I want to put on my little chet. My chet. No, it's the ch-letter.

They have two ch-letters. The audience is loving this. I bet there's going to be this one guy that comes to your show. He wrote a really cool email about how we should build the studio in St. Paul, Minneapolis, and the Twin Cities. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but he seems to be a racist. Yeah. What makes you think he's a racist? Well, I could find his email, if you want. What did I say? Just talking about why are we spending all this money building our studio in a cesspool, revolting cesspool city?

Yeah. Why are we not doing it in St. Paul, Minneapolis, St. Paul? I wonder what the hell that would look like. Hey, everybody. It's the Adam Friedland show. I can't breathe. That's Minneapolis' catchphrase.

Live from the George Floyd studio in 30. It's going to be a tough one. It's going to be a tough hour. Oh, with your voice? Yeah, my voice. I'm just burning the fuck out. This is the last weekend. Hopefully we can have fun.

No, you have three more weekends after this. No, I get a break for a week, and I'm sleeping the entire fucking time. Don't we have that thing next weekend? What thing? The thing, the big thing. Well, we have to, I mean, if we can get it done. We can do it.

No, we're going to get it done. All right. There's no if we can. We're going to get it done. All right, we'll get it done. They're dying for it. They're going to love it. Should I find this asshole's email?

I guess you should. Now I'm admitting that I read the emails. I'll just go ahead, and I'll just run the show for a second here while you do the email thing. So I went to, we got a little DVD player for the office. I thought something bigger than that would be too much of a distraction, but it's nice to put on DVDs in the background.

You got a CRT television. I got a shitty CRT television off Craigslist. I got a DVD player, and I said, that's the only entertainment we're having in the rest of this for work. And I rewatched Training Day the other night. And that movie really makes no goddamn sense. None whatsoever.

I mean, it's truly insane. I mean, there's obvious stuff that was like, you know, the time you see it, you're like, all right, this is kind of ridiculous. You know, I mean, I would take the Mexican guy that's like hired to kill him, and he's like, oh, your sister. There's probably 800 million Mexican people in Los Angeles. I mean, I guess they're all each other's little cousin.

So maybe that is plausible. But like, I mean, the whole thing is fucking insane. Alonzo, he's going to be killed by the Russian mob, and he's got to do anything he can. That's probably where they started writing the thing, right? He's this crooked cop that has an expensive weekend in Vegas. And he's got a trainee who has to show them. He's got one day.

But what doesn't make any sense? Like, why the fuck would that be the day he's like, oh, yeah, I guess I'll also take this trainee on. Like, on the day that I'm running around committing a bunch of fucking crimes, it doesn't like, there's no, it's not, he doesn't need that guy there. There's no reason for it. The entire movie is, the premise of it is insane.

Great movie, though. But anyways, what I was going to say, you're still looking for the email. Yeah, it's not even that good of an email. I don't know, we're not going to release a video. Of what? Of this? No, probably not.

No, because it will blow our load. It will. Maybe that in the line, if you want to go to patreon.com. T-A-F-S, T-A-F-S, once the show is launched and up and running, we'll do this as like a kind of a work in progress sort of thing, a look back at the show. We should have done a docu series. There's too many documentaries nowadays.

No, people love documentaries. I don't. I'm no more process bullshit. Only finished products. I like that, actually. I don't want to see how they made the Starship Enterprise. Who ruined that for everybody that showed how it's made? They thought everybody wanted to know how everything's

fucking made. Yeah. I like believing in magic. For a while, they were right. How about coming up on how it's made, a baby. The penis goes into the vagina and moves back and forth. Boom, tch, boom, tch, boom, tch, boom, tch, boom, tch, boom. How I was made fucking factory music.

Yeah. Boom, tch, boom, tch, boom, tch, boom, tch, boom, tch, boom, tch, boom. Then the penis busts. Then they bust into the pussy. The cum is made in the balls. Then it shoots out the cock. Coming up on how it's made, cum. The little boy's balls grow bigger

and drop further away from his body during a process called puberty. Some kid crying. He's just strapped to a wall. He's got him crucified against a wall wall. He's in a dungeon. Well, they do bullet time around his penis and balls so they get bigger.

They'll be badass. Yeah, they do time laps, bullet time. They're just feeding him through a straw. Yeah, 360. He's crying. They feed him like a Taiwanese pig. You're like, we need this time lapse of your balls and pubes coming in.

The boy also gets fatter. Yeah. When did you get pubic hair? I don't know. A couple of years ago. Yeah, me too. I got him late. I was so jealous.

I couldn't grow a real beard until I was like 27. I still can't. Yeah, you're done now. It's not happening. I don't think it's going to happen. I remember being like 21, 22. And I could only grow like a mustache and like a goatee. Yeah.

I was like, fuck, I'll never be able to grow a beard. And I had friends that were older. Like, yeah, you can't grow a beard until you're like 30. I'm like, that's not how that works. You have beard pretty. There were kids in seventh grade with beards. Right. And then they were right.

Turns out, yeah, it is how it works. Not even for me. Yeah. What is it? Now I can do all the dumb facial hairs. I know. You have a really cool version of Nick right now. I know.

Well, I'm Mr. Las Vegas. You have the Las Vegas apparel. Yeah. You have the the. I should have gotten pajama bottoms. I should have showed up with the Las Vegas backpack pajama bottoms. You have the gambler style 1887 facial hair.

Yeah. What is it? What is that? What would you call that style? These are friendlies. Friendlies? Yeah, you call these friendlies. It's kind of like mutton shops connected

into a handlebar mustache. Yeah, it's friendlies. That's pretty cool. You should go mutton. I don't know about that. We could do like a Ken Burns thing. That's still weird. That's still like bicycle guy look.

There were presidents that had that. Yeah. Martin Van Buren had that. Yeah. Martin Van Buren was a barista. Yeah. Martin Van Buren worked at a record store and was a barista on the weekends.

Yeah. There was that. And then you have this voice now. Brandon Wardell, I think probably spent the last six years terrified of you. Yeah. Until Monday night. And he's like, Nick, it's just so nice.

Oh, that sounds like Winnie the Pooh. Because it's the voice. Yeah. You couldn't even be mean to him. You couldn't even be like, where's your, why aren't you wearing all purple right now? Oh. I mean, I was teasing him when I got to LA

because he, because I've told him in the past that he wears too much purple stuff. Yeah. And it says your line. That's not mine. Well, we could share it. Oh, I didn't finish telling my story. Oh, yeah.

Go for it. You're a Barnes and Noble. We listen. Like I said, it's going to be a rough hour. Of today? For tonight. Yeah. It's going to be a rough one.

Don't say. You always curse it before it's ready. What do you mean I curse it? Just say it's going to be bad. Don't do that. All right, fine. This is going to be the greatest of us. It's going to be bad.

I said it's going to be rough. Yeah, OK. Whatever. No, yeah, it's wearing a purple jacket. And I was like, oh, damn. Look, is Borny the dinosaur? I'm Borny. And he got upset.

Have you ever watched Barney the dinosaur? For black people. They got Barney for black people now. Bebop is named him. Turn Barney off. Barney's for closers. What's your name, Levine? You call yourself a baby.

You piece of shit. There's just a bunch of babies in an office. Yeah, we should do an all kids shot for shot remake. One of the 10 years, 15 years ago, I was trying to put on a children's theater to put on a children's theater production. Blangerick on us. That'd be amazing.

Turn that Barney off. Barney's for closers. A, A, B, B, C, C, the alphabet. These are the first three letters that you have to learn. That's pretty smart. We should do a full episode of the talk show with babies. What I like about, too, is people forget in the ABC speech, there's also AIDA.

What's the second part? I don't know. Always be closing. Always be closing. A, I, D, A, auto, I, immune, D, deficiency. Asexual. A, intersex. Yeah.

L, G, B, Q, plus, L, lesbian, B, bisexual. Barney's for lesbians. G, gay, F, fag, T, trans. Where's the F? Plus HIV positive. Right? That's what the plus stands for. It's for paused up homeboys.

First prize is a chew toy. Yeah. Where's the DL? DL should be on there. Second prize, set of safety scissors. Third prize is you're fired from being a baby. Not allowed to be a baby anymore. Yeah, that's right.

We should get Alec Baldwin. I don't have to listen to this shit. You sure don't, pal. Well-behaved, don't cry. Fuck you. Go home and play with your toys. I don't give a shit. Well, we're doing 15 or 20.

What? For our friends. What friends? DyeSmoke.com. Oh, 20 minutes. Always. It's always 20 minutes. But it's 15 and 30.

That's 20 and 40. That's why you're not a baby. Yeah, that's why I'm not a baby. That's why you're not cut out to be a baby. You sure don't, pal. Yeah, that would be a really good movie. Sucking dick is for closers. Uh-huh.

Dude, Alec Baldwin is awesome. I really had no appreciation for him until like literally two days ago. He's a great guy. Well, once you can talk like that, it's like, fuck. Right. No one's standing up for him. Have I lost it?

Now it's gone now. You're like now a horse-neck. Damn. You didn't utilize it by getting pussy on Monday night. I was trying to tell you, you had to go on the, you had to go milf hunting on Monday night. I know, I didn't do it. Now I go out, I'm like, do you want to make a baby?

I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, don't I sound like Alec Baldwin? We should have gone to those bars. Is it gone? I can't hear. It sounds good. It's less there. God damn it.

But you were doing the shadow nose on Monday. Oh, the shadow nose. That's still there. He's still got that. OK. Put that coffee down. That's pretty good. So it's just deeper.

It's just deeper. Coffee's for babies. You could do a, you could do what? You think I'm fucking with you? You can do Nick Nolte maybe. I'm not fucking with you. Barney's for babies. The barney's for babies.

Barney's for babies. Can you do Nick Nolte? No. I think with a voice like that, you can try. Damn, I wish you had a cool voice. You do right now. No, but I wish it was like cooler. Yeah, I know.

I wish I just sounded like that. No, you have a cool, you're very good at mimicry. I know, but my regular speaking voice just goes back to, you know, it's like how it's made. I have a process voice. I don't know, a finished product voice. Oh, by the way, thanks to everyone that's, that came out to Funny Moms on Monday.

We have, our next Funny Moms is this next Monday. It's going to be a really good one. We have a good lineup booked. Book, get your tickets. The 24th of October, it's going to be a spooky one. And then a week from then, 31st of October. Halloween. It's Halloween.

We should do number, first episode definitely just needs to be Halloween special. Let's just do that. Yeah, we're going to do it. Let's bang that one out. And then we can have our guest as the guest on the Halloween special. Yes.

Well, maybe. And not tell him it's a Halloween special. Maybe. Bonnie's for, Bonnie's for babies. Try to scare him. Yeah, maybe do. Hey, boo. Who the hell is this guy?

I'm a ghost, pal. I'm here from the cemetery. And I'm gay. I died of being gay. Yeah. You want to talk about, friends, we got a little break here for a second. A little break here for a second.

We want to talk about our friends over at dietsmoke.com. What's diet smoke, Nick? Diet smoke is not even a smokable product. It's gummies. It's gummies. So it's confusing. Diet smoke, their slogan is, go on a diet, you fat bitch.

I sell propane and propane accessories. Diet smoke. What's your name, Hank Hill? You call yourself a propane salesman, you son of a bitch. Diet smoke, folks. You hear me? You fucking faggots. That's the best line in the movie.

You know what? How do you write that? How do you come up with that? How do you come up with that? Diet smoke sells an entire line of both Delta 8 and Delta 9 THC products. I'm going to go to the shop section of their website and tell you what they got.

They have gummies, Delta 8 and Delta 9 gummies in mango, cherry lime, watermelon, blue raspberry, peach. They have vapes, pineapple, watermelon, drinks, peach, lemon lime. They got some good fucking shit, guys. That's going to definitely get you a perfectly balanced buzz. I'm going to get your Jimmy's Rosalind. Folks, folks, as a result of section 297A from the 2018

Farm Bill, you can get this shit to get a balanced buzz on. You don't need a prescription. You could skip a doctor visit. No prescription or medical marijuana card is required. It is hemp-derived. Diet smoke is a product exclusively with American-grown hemp. That sounds pretty fucking good to me.

Yeah, gummies. Gummies. Gummies are for babies. Diet smoke, it's for fat bitches. The THC that gives cannabis, it's popular in desired effects. It's technically called Delta 9 THC. I'm winning the poo when I'm like,

I'm going to start calling my cock a diet cock. Why, because you're winning the poo? Because it's small. Does poo bear have a small cock? My shit ain't small. I got a diet cock. Yeah, they say my penis on a diet. Any ladies trying to be on a long-end diet, something like that.

Yeah, let's go out and try to go mill funting with that line. Yeah. I hope my fucking plane crashes tomorrow. Why does it, why do you want to crash? I mean, I'm the survivor of all this. So dramatic, of course, it was right. Yeah. You want to eat people?

And then I'd be in bio shock. That'd be a pretty bad ass. Yeah, the plane gets diverted and it crashes in the jungle. It's hatchet. What I want to happen is hatchet. They find naked in the middle of the jungle. You just have a serene look on your face? I come out.

I've been in the woods for six months, they find me. And somehow I've gained hundreds of pounds. I somehow got fat as shit in the woods. Yeah, because you ate the fat, but it was on the plane. Yeah. And you used the sub zero temperatures to freeze the meat. At dietsmoke.com. At dietsmoke.com.

How many months, how many? How many code, come down or come down to 20? How many gummies should you take? If it's your first time using the THC, start with half a gummy. I don't know. Let's ask Mr. Owl. If this isn't your first rodeo, you should be fine starting with a whole gummy.

It takes up to an hour to experience the full effect of diet smoke. So start slow, just like fucking. If you're a regular user of THC products, Delta 9 THC gummies may be your favorite product. Go to this website, you can get this shit. It tastes good. It smokes good.

Tastes good, you don't smoke it, it's a gummy. They also have a different company, the same sponsor, but different company that has smokables, but they like to keep their shit discreet. Nice little separation between church and state. Alec Baldwin, you've spent your entire life talking like this. Now you're going to teach me how to do it or I'll suck your cock. What happened to his brothers?

They're not working anymore? Danny and Steven and Billy. Billy? There's three of them, right? Here are three. I always included Ed Burns in the Baldwin Brothers. Yeah, he was like the sheen. Yeah, the fourth.

The rest of them were estivets. One of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life, Howard Cramer said Ed Burns movies are like if a construction worker tried to make a Woody Allen film. That's really good. It's hilarious. It's spot on. That's very good.

What happened to that guy? That guy was funny. Ed Burns? No, Howard Cramer. Howard Cramer? I think he's one of those guys who stayed in LA. I mean, what else are you going to fucking do? You want to know how fucking bad our careers are going to be

in 15 years? Well, I think we're going to be tight. No, we're going to be trying to cozy up to some 20-year-old that has a virtual reality show. We have to figure out how to do uplink comedy. Can you explain it to me? I'm just trying to jam a giant needle into the back of my head. And they're like, he's doing it wrong.

And I'm like, I really should have just died in that fucking plane crash. In the Minnesota wilderness. Because we're not like good comics. Like us? Yeah, no. I thought we're some of the best. No, we make a pretty shitty product that has outlived its

time, for sure. Well, it's like, you know, it's not a shitty product. I mean, would you say Family Guy is a shitty show? No. We're kind of like the family guy of a podcast. The Chamley guy. We're the Chamley guys of a podcast. It's a Freudian slip.

Yeah, we are. So you're experiencing imposter syndrome now that the studio is finished? No, I'm not an imposter. No, I'm not an imposter. I'm Mr. Las Vegas himself. No, you're not. Can you please stop saying that?

Yes, I am, boy. People call me Mr. Las Vegas. You better show some respect to Mr. Las Vegas. So what happened to you when you were at Barnes & Nobles? Let me tell you something. Oh, go ahead. I want to behoove on you to respect that title, Mr. Las Vegas. Because I may be Mr. Las Vegas.

But you don't want to roll in dice right now. I'm Mr. Las Vegas. You don't want to roll in dice right now. And you never had a gambling problem? No. You seem like a guy that would have a gambling problem. Never. Unless you count $100,000 in cryptocurrency.

Yeah. Unless you count. And hitting it wrong. Yeah, yeah. Unless you count reckless behavior. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Busting inside.

Yeah. I don't have a gambling problem unless you include doing a bunch of amphetamines and watching all of the show Doug in a hotel room. I got one on one of my classic Doug benders. Dude, you don't want to see Nick during a Doug Bender? Yeah. They find me in a hotel room.

Just season 17 of Doug. Yeah, you're like, they're on the fast run out of Doug. I've got a tamp. My body's, I've been dead for weeks. I'm completely new. There's just needles in my arms and IVs are going up to a VHS player. And he's been watching Doug for weeks.

His family had no idea he was so into Doug. You're wearing a pair of Ray-Ban wafers. You look like Weekend at Bernie's. Yeah. And I'm in the hotel room like, oh, he's fine. He's watching Doug. He was in, yeah. The famous actor, they just find him

in a motel somewhere watching baby movies. He was addicted to Barney. Hollywood actor Alec Baldwin passed away in mysterious circumstances. They found him in a hotel room with Barney playing on the TV with over $1,660,000 worth of Barney VHS tapes. He left a note behind and said he doesn't like baby stuff. Dying in shame, Alec Baldwin discovered

nude surrounded by Barney VHS tapes in an O'Connell Lodge in Corpus Christi. I would be sad. What? If I'd died and then everyone had found out I liked Barney. Yeah. I would hope that my friends and family would stick to the line. Yeah.

Be like, you never like that stuff. Like, what's going on? I'm going to go to Ireland. I'm going to make enough money to go to Ireland. I want to go bad, dude. I'm going to buy the Barney Stone. And I'm going to rename it the Barney Stone. And I'll be like, cool.

Why don't you come check this out if you're a fucking baby. You're a baby. You're a fucking baby. Yeah, cool place to hang out if you're a fucking baby, maybe. Just ruin their culture. This was one of the most important things to us. Our favorite stone has been renamed. They've ruined our stone.

Now everyone thinks Ireland's for babies. Fucking lucky charms, eating a piece of shit. Dude, you're hating on your own people. Come on, bro. Put the lucky charms down. I want to see more Prada be Irish. Barney's for Alec. I want you to come in with like.

This Alec Baldwin, he's cinching up a tie around his neck and masturbating in a hotel room to Barney. He's going, Barney's for Alec. You call yourself an actor. You piece of shit. You can't even watch Barney. You're too scared of Barney to even finish watching a single episode.

You've never finished one episode of Barney. This is why Kim left you. You don't know who'd be Bob. This is why your daughter won't speak to you, Alec, because you're too scared to even finish an episode of Barney. Oh, man. You got to be more proud of the Irish, dude. I'd like to see you proud of Prada.

Prada is a sin, dude. You know how, like, when I'm me, I'm Treadcath. I'm Treadcath. Slut. Yeah, just all a bunch of Roman numerals. I'm changing my Twitter avatar to a picture, a painting. Yeah, that's a painting of a guy from a stained glove guy, stained glass window avatar.

And I get into arguments with other fags about the church. You change use to Vs. Yeah. Yeah. About the damn church. The church. The church. Dude, why are people becoming Catholic?

They don't even sing Amazing Grace in Catholics. It would be less embarrassing if they just earnestly got into Barney. Yeah, Barney would be tighter. They sing. They have great tracks on Barney. Just crying at the Barney stone. Clean up.

I had an experience at the Barney stone. To return. Yeah, I really felt like a baby. My grandfather, he got cancer, and we went back to Ireland. So he can finally see the Barney stone for the first time. Yeah. And they changed. He wanted to see the Barney stone,

and then it turns out they changed the name. They changed it to the Barney stone. And then he died right there. And then. Yeah, I'll tell you this. I'd say shame, because we don't have another person here, because they would laugh at it. I'm just going to tell you this story.

You're going to react. I'll fake love. I'll do it for the audience. I went to Barnes and Noble. Because Barnes and Noble is the only place you can get DVDs now, or at least, you know, in the neighborhood, you can go shop. You can find some.

Sick of big blu-ray, dude. Yeah. I was looking for Drop Dead Gorgeous on DVD. Great movie. It's a hilarious movie. Great movie. Amber had two DVDs when we lived together. She had Slap Shot and two great movies.

Two great DVDs. Slap Shot and Drop Dead Gorgeous. But we didn't have a DVD player, so there's no way to watch. I always thought that was a Christopher Guest movie. What, Slap Shot? No, Drop Dead Gorgeous. It's got similar. But I always thought it was, but it wasn't.

Yeah. Just Will Sasso reading for that. They're like, yeah, we're looking for a fat retard. Your character is a fat retarded person. That's what comedy was. People act like I'm a bad guy. And it's like, no, I just paid attention. Dude, I've been watching a lot of Happy Madison

slash Kevin James movies recently. And that is what a comedy was forever. They took it from us. And we're giving it back, folks. Anyway, you're at Barnes. I went to Barney's and Noble. It's the baby version. I'm going to make a million dollars.

I'm going to buy Barnes and Noble. And I'm going to change the name to Barney. Barney's and Noble. And readings for babies. Yeah. My cool place to buy, but just hang out outside. Nice place buying a book for a baby, maybe. What are you buying?

Fucking goodnight moon, you fucking baby. Yeah. Good night getting pussy ever for you. Yeah, you're fucking me. Do you remember what you said last over at Barnes? You were like, I'm just going to. Can you just call Barnes and Noble? Just for me.

Just for this. Barney's and Noble? No, just for the sake of me. Just say the whole name. Don't call it Barnes. No reason for that. That was pretty good of me to do. You don't have to.

Last time when you were there and you were like, there was a lowling conversation. Anytime he texts me, I want to meet you at the stew. And instead of just saying the studio or the office. But that's it's cool to say the stew. No, I just got to block you. I block you. I block you like three or four times a day.

You should keep that to yourself. OK. Now that I know that, it really hurts my feelings. Oh, it hurts your fees. Yeah, it hurts my fee fees, dude. No, not fee fees. You'd say fees. My feel.

My feels. Yeah. Yeah. But when there was like a lowling conversation, we were buying Michael and you just looked at me. You're like, maybe I'm just going to date a fucking nerd. That'd be cool, dude. Yeah, just be like, yeah, you're a fucking nerd.

What are you doing? You're a fucking nerd. Shut up. Shut up, you fucking nerd. You're a fucking nerd, girlfriend. Dude, she's a fucking nerd. What are you going to drop a bunch of books? Yeah.

But good hang. Yeah, it was a good hang. Nerds are good at media. You got a nerd girlfriend. There's not a single boring moment. There's not a single exciting moment either, but there's no boring moment. No, you have to do fucking cosplay.

You don't have to do cosplay. You just sit there and then you let them tell you about their Funko Pops. And then you find yourself being like, yeah, she's got all these fucking bobble heads, basically. She's a baby. Yeah, she's a baby. Yeah, she's still a baby.

Anyways, I was at Barnes trying to buy a DVD. What the fuck was that, man? What? You just said it. Said what? Barnes. I don't know what you're talking about, man. Go ahead.

Anyway, so I'm at Barnes trying to buy a DVD. And there's a bunch of African guys in monkey suits wearing, like, you know, tuxedos. Tuxedos. Sorry, yeah, I didn't mean to do it. Tuxedos. They're wearing tuxedos. And they're event security.

And I couldn't get into the DVD section. Because there was a DVD event. There was a DVD event happening. They had a book signing going on in the DVD section. That's annoying. With one Ralph Macchio, the karate kid. So I look around, and it's all Italian nerds wearing Cobra Kai's gear.

That's who's going to see Ralph Macchio, and yet, you know. Yeah, but he wasn't on the Cobra Kai. Those were the bullies of him. I know, but that's the only kind of shirt you can get. You can't get a. That's the only kind of Ralph Macchio shirt. You can't get a karate kid, good guy's shirt. And I would let me in there.

I wanted to go in and just be like, do you diagnose his murder? Fucking Charles in charge. Bugsy Malone, you're my guy, you know. Wait, he replaced Scott. What's his name on diagnosis murder? No, he did not. He didn't.

Scott Bale just left the show. They didn't get Macchio. I don't think they replaced him with Ralph Macchio. Not the mind. I mean, I watched all of that show. I can't remember that happening. But my memory's been bad lately. So I mean, I can assert that and I would not

be surprised if I was completely wrong. But no, the problem with that was they, I guess, like in the process of developing the show, they went to both Dick Van Dyke and Scott Bale and pitched the two of them like two completely different shows. Like they went to Scott Bale and they're like, yeah, it's like a tough guy.

It's you getting pussy every episode. You're like a tough guy, Italian doctor that solves crimes. Imagine that. Dick Van Dyke and they're like, you're a buffoon doctor that solves crimes in Mr. McGoo sort of way. And then they both said yes. And then they tried to synthesize the two into one show, but it was clearly the Dick Van Dyke show.

So there's like every episode, there's like two different shows happening. And I guess Scott Bale kind of figured it out after one or two seasons and then left. And he's like, I'm out of here. Yeah. But anyway, what was happening at the DVD section? All of these Italian guys there to see Scott Bale.

To see Ralph Marchio. Yeah. To see Ralph Marchio. And they're like, Charles in charge. I fucking love you. Fucking bugsy Malone. When I was a kid, I wanted to be bugsy Malone. Get pussy from Jody Foster.

Now, what if John Hinckley Jr. could have done that? He could have shot an egg cream pie in Reagan's. He had thrown an egg cream pie in Reagan's face. Yeah. Done a high drink. Yeah. To fuck Jody Foster. To get pussy from that lesbian child.

The problem is he saw a taxi driver and not bugsy Malone. Yeah. He saw the wrong one. He got to live in a different world, a black college. An HSBU. That's kind of a condescending name for that show. A different world. A different world.

Imagine. Can you imagine? A world where black people go to college. Can you imagine? It would have to be a different universe. But black people learning. It's a different. It's in the multiverse.

No, hold on. I understand. The premise of the show is ridiculous. A black college, obviously. Insane. But we're saying it's a fantasy. It's a completely different world. It's a different world entirely.

It's not even close to the world we're living in. It's a separate universe. Oh, man. Yeah, so I'm there. And there's this like 35-year-old Italian guy. What's up? Are you looking at it? No, we're good.

This is like 35-year-old Italian guy walking around just screaming on like, you know, like Bluetooth or whatever. And he's like, ma, ma, I'll be home when I'm fucking home. I told you. I'm going to see Ralph Machio. It was an hour and a half line to get in. I've been waiting all fucking night. I'll be home when I'm home.

And he just kept going. It was like a 30-minute conversation, because I was waiting just to see if I could go by Drop Day Gorgeous. I'm like, excuse me. Some of us have even gayer plans tonight. Can we hear this Ralph Machio bullshit up? I'm trying to watch a girl comedy from 25 years ago. One of the good girl comedies.

Yeah, that mean girls. That is such a good movie. It is. It's so funny. It's about us. Do you mean with it? That's us. The line where the gay kid is in the girl's bathroom

and the fat girl comes up. And she's like, you can't be in here. And he's like, oh my god, Danny DeVito. I love you right here. It's so good. And this guy's like, Ma, you're fucking killing me. And he's like, I'll be home when I'm fucking home. And then it's already morning.

He's like, Ma, you're making me want to fucking drink again. And he's like threatening his mom with falling off the wagon because she's ruining his night out meeting Scott Bay up. That could have been you if you had a better relationship with your mom and your Italian. Can you imagine if I was Italian how awful I'd be? You'd be, you'd be. First of all, the starting voice would be this one.

Of course. You'd be born that way. Yeah. And then I would be even worse. That'd be a good nickname, too. Eventual laryngitis. Ma, I'm going to fall off the wagon. I have to see karate, kid.

Ma, you're making me want to fall off the wagon. Well, how do those Guido's react when they got Hilary Swanks? Can you imagine him just going to a bar that night? He's like, yeah, I've been sober 15 fucking years. But my bitch, Ma. My Ma wouldn't let me go see Ralph Machio. And the bartender is like, I don't think I'm going to serve you. I don't think that's a good enough reason to fall off the wagon.

Yeah, I know I'm just here to get a tip, but that sounds pathetic, man. He's like, this is almost like my 9-11. If it weren't that 9-11 was already my 9-11. It was an attack on Italians. Famously, they were trying to get the Italians. Have you ever heard that 56? Who's our other sponsor?

I forget, yeah. Let me look it up. Have you ever heard that 50 cent song, Patiently Waiting, featuring Eminem? Eminem's verse is all about how shady records was right by the towers. Oh, my bookie. Oh, my bookie.

Sorry, it was supposed to be my bookie then died, smoke. He says shady records was 80 seconds away from the towers. And he claims that Bin Laden meant to hit Eminem. And that's why he missed and he hit the World Trade Center. And there's also some other shit. Why don't you talk about my bookie? My bookie. My bookie.ag, an incredible website for those of you

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if you lose that fight. Imagine I named my son Jesus Christ. Can you imagine going through the TSA and handing them the fucking ID that says Islam Makachev? Yeah, well, he's like a white Muslim, probably. He's like a Dagestani kind of guy. We all know that's worse. Yeah.

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White Muslim, white Muslim, two separate things that you think would be all right. Like, you know, it's like a crow nut. You combine the two of them, and it's like, this is disgusting. Yeah. This is fucking, this is just too much, man. That's the way MMA comes out of that. That's where, you know, you get that guy,

Khabib, you know, the best guy. Mixed Muslim arts. That's what they should call it. Put that karate down. Karate's for Chinese people. Yeah, you can go to this fucking website. You can bet on shit in mybookie.com. Put in promo code T-A-F-S.

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tomorrow. I wish I could just wake up at the club. Maybe you should change your name to Islam Makachov. I flew way too much this weekend. I know. You've been in and out. West Coast is rough. For a weekend, it is rough.

Yeah. Yeah, that weekend when I did Seattle and came back and then did LA. I was doing Phoenix and then Vegas in quick succession. That's been sitting on the fucking tarmac forever in Phoenix waiting, delaying the flight. You should have chilled with my dad, dude. Yeah, that would have made it better.

Yeah, of course. You guys just got along great when you met each other. Did he tickle you? No. I think he did. I have a picture of it. He did not tickle. I have a picture of my father tickling you.

He did not tickle me. I did. I've never been tickled in my life. Who's tickling for? Babe. Tickling's for Adam's dad. I don't know. Tickling's for my penis.

So yeah, well, just don't go then. Tell him you have the coronavirus. I gotta go. We can't do this on live air because then if you do it. Yeah, it's the last weekend. And then the show changes. And then what? Our show changes in the next two weeks.

Yep. Yeah, the last weekend. And then, yeah, I gotta get off the road. Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately, I can't ride on the road. And I really hate this fucking hour I'm doing now. You know who could ride on the road?

Who? That Jack Kerouac. Yeah, he did ride it. Riding books is for babies. Welcome to Parties of Noble. Yeah. What have you been up to? No, not shit, dude.

Nothing. Yeah. Having those dreams again? What kind of dreams? What is about the female bodybuilders? Should we bring back the dream analysis segment? Maybe we can if you want. What is the dream of yours for real?

I'm in the gym. Yeah. I'm doing a set at the squat rack. I turn around and it's all a bunch of muscular women. Six, five, huge. Sweating, laughing at me. They pull my pants down with the laugh at my penis. I tell them, leave me alone.

Then one of them gets mad at me. What's a dream you have for real, though? Me? Yeah, not a joke. Let's get into it. What did you dream about last night? I don't remember last night. This is the last dream I remember.

My neighbors upstairs got mad at me because my girlfriend ordered bagels for breakfast. Then we got a delivery of bagels. So I started eating the bagels. Turns out it was for them. They got furious. And she was like, sorry, my boyfriend's an idiot. They're mad.

How about furious satellite radio? Yeah, that'd be good. And it's fucking, who did I say in this area? Oh, Dwight Yocum. He's like, I'm fucking pissed off. I'm pissed. You're on furious XM. That'd be good.

OK, so that happened in real life. They were pissed at us. We gave them the bagels that we ordered. They were still mad. It's an honest mistake. I mean, we just made a fucking food delivery. They gave it, delivered it to us, whatever. So then I had this dream that my TV was out

and I wanted to watch television. Barney. It wasn't Barney. And so then I remembered that they were out of town. So I checked their doorknob and it was open. Barney's already playing. And I went, it wasn't Barney, but the TV was working. So I sat down, was watching television.

I love you, you love me, we're a happy family. And I was like, wow, these people hate me if I were to get in trouble. You know, I ate their bagels. They're going to be fucking pissed off. And you're watching Barney in their house. I'm watching Barney. Can you imagine?

That's like fucking a guy's wife watching Barney on his TV. And then legitimately, this is real. I've gotten into something I call Barney cuckolding. This is real. I leave the room and I let another man let a big black guy watch Barney on my TV and play with my toys. I'm Alec Baldwin and I'm here raising awareness for baby, baby, dumb cuckolding.

Well, I leave my, I go on vacation and I let a big black man come in my house and play with my toys and watch my Barney tapes. So I'm watching the television at their house. And then a door opens, I freak out. I was like, fuck. Now they're going to hate me forever. And they're like, I'm like, I'm sorry.

And they're like, what are you doing here? I kind of forget even that I'm in their apartment, which for a dream is interesting because you normally go to a different location. You forget the last one. But I kind of left that location, then came back. And then they were like, I'm the dog sitter. And then literally, the two weeks after that,

I thought that they were, I thought in my mind, I was like, the relationship with the neighbors is irreparably damaged at this point. But it was based on that dream. The Barney dream. They had nothing to do with the Barney. Yeah. The classic Barney dream.

Yeah. But what does that mean to you? I'm going to make millions of dollars. And I'm going to buy the rights to the therapy. And I'm going to become the only therapist in the United States. And then I'm going to say. How do you buy the rights of the?

I don't know. But I'm going to sit down and I'll have nothing but Mafia clients. Yeah. And they're looking to analyze this. Yeah. So would you come here for? I don't know.

I've got stuff I can't really work out. You watch Barney. I don't watch Barney. You fucking piece of shit. I told you I watch fucking Barney. They grab for their peace. Yeah. Yeah.

You're at gunpoint. What are you going to do? You're going to shoot me? It's not going to change the fact that you watch Barney. You don't break a sweat. Yeah. I do this for a living, pal. I see guys that watch Barney all day long.

You know, they almost cast Alec Baldwin as Jennifer Malfee. Did they? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. It's a little Hollywood legend for you. Yeah.

But he wouldn't wear the women's clothes. He wouldn't wear the women's power suit. Yeah, he's like, I'm doing it in a Brooks Brothers suit. Yeah. They were like, come on. You've got to. Jennifer Malfee, she's an Italian woman. Come on, Alec.

We really wanted you. I know you're Irish, but you could play Italian. We really wanted you as an Italian woman. Italian woman therapist, yeah. But like a kind of highfalutin, not like a piece of crap, like a. Me, I'm just some Northern Italian bitch. And you, you're scum.

You're Sicilian scum to me. But I want to fuck you, sort of. But I won't do it. And you're going to have a dream where you fuck me. It'll take me five seasons to figure it out. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

OK, Shang Chi 2 hits theaters. Yeah, I hear he has 20 rings. To promote the movie, our next guest is the Asian woman that works at the Dollar Dumpling Place on Mott Street. Welcome to the show. Yeah. Why, why, why, why, why, why?

She screams a lot. So you're excited. Do you have a clip to share? I can't do the one. It's me, the Chinese lady that sells dollar dumplings on Mott Street. Pork bun, $1 for five. Pork dumplings, five for $1.

Can you still get that deal? What? That used to be my poverty food. Oh, don't act like you went there. Dude, of course I went there. You were living in fucking Bed-Stuy. You were living in Bushwick, weren't you? I was living in Bushwick first with the tickling guy.

And the tickling? No, before that, you were living with Eric for a while. I stayed with Eric for a week. Oh, I thought you were there for a minute. No, I stayed with Phil for a week and maybe Eric for a week. Two weeks. Yeah, you lived with the tickler and then you lived in Fort Green or Clinton Hill.

And then I lived in Clinton Hill with Ben. I lived in Chinatown. I live blocks away from that place. I eat there every fucking day. It was a good deal. That or Dollar Slice Pizza? You get fed for $5. Yeah.

It's like civil war food. Dumplings and pizza? How funny is that that you go down? You go, you personally have to go. You're just some guy that has a bullshit job in a factory in New York. You'd be saved up for 30 years to buy your first tie. And then it gets caught in the machine.

It almost rips your head off. And then they're like, hey, there's a way out of this factory thing. It's not really, you don't have a choice. We're just going to send you there anyways. But you've got to go in slavery. And you're like, what's slavery? And they're like, people are forced to work.

And you're like, this, and they're like, no, they're black. And you're like, put my head back in the machine now. That's what gangs in New York was like. And then they march you all the way to fucking Mississippi. And then you kill 800 Rednecks. All your friends get a cannonball to the head. You kill 800 Rednecks in a long time for lunch. Here's a saltine cracker.

Here's a saltine cracker that a retarded guy made. And the only recipe he had was the picture on the box. That was it. It's a hard tack. Was that it? That's what they call it, hard tack. Those were saltine crackers? Yeah, it was just like.

They didn't get a stew? I don't think they got a stew. I think you got a salt cube that you could dissolve in water and a premium saltine cracker. They didn't get any, like, TV dinners? Yeah. They didn't get Salisbury steak? Have you ever had a Salisbury steak?

Of course. I've never had one. Yeah. What is it, from the microwave? Yeah, the microwave is like hungry, man. There's a sauce on it? No, Salisbury steak, hungry, man. Does it taste good?

No. Is it like a composite of different pieces of meat, like a spam? Yeah, it's like fucking, yeah. It's like just, yeah. It's just all the scraps. It's like connective tissue and shit. It's from the floor.

Yeah, yeah, basically. Of the butchery. Then it's got gravy on it. It sounds pretty good. I had to prep a bunch of them when I did a, when I worked in the, not the food bank, but a different kind of volunteer thing, like a kitchen for homeless people.

What about a food bank, but it's run by the Jewish media? Mm-hmm. Yeah. People come. They're like, I want to deposit my food. Yeah, a big fat Jewish guy being like, the food bank? You don't say. I'm going to be president of the food bank one day.

So this Kanye West stuff, is it, is it hurt? Are you seeing that I'm being hurt by this? I don't know what's going on. He's really mad at Jewish people. Isn't he Jewish? No, he's not Jewish. I thought that was his whole thing. Well, I mean.

Oh, he's black. He's black. Yeah. He's called him Kanye West Bank. He's a Palestinian. Pretty good. So, so you're leaving at eight tomorrow morning? Yeah, 7 AM.

I'll be here at 11 for the electrical. Oh, yeah. This is coming down. Yeah, that's coming down. And then you know what I kind of want to do is we'll get like a big, big stand over there. And I'm going to put a spotlight in that back corner. Yeah.

So when you walk out here, we can have all the lights off. Hit you with the spotlight. That'd be great. So we don't, especially for the reveal, that'd be pimp. Yeah, for the monologue. That'd be sick. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, like, you know that. And maybe I could be reacting to the blinding light. Yeah, you know, like, like, was it Bronson? Yeah. Yeah. So I have to be naked fighting prison guard. Yeah, we have you come out naked. Soaking wet.

We put you in an ice bath beforehand and then you come out and you have to do the monologue. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. I fuck with that. That's sort of my dream. That's pretty bad ass. Naked and afraid.

Have you seen the show Naked and Afraid? Yeah. I'm never afraid when I'm naked. Until Bonnie comes on. And that's when I come, pal. I don't watch Bonnie. It's too scary. It's the only thing that makes me come.

Here's that mid-register that's sort of in there. Yeah. It's the only thing that makes me come. That's pretty good. Yeah. Damn. We're exhausted. What are you exhausted for?

Me? Yeah. The unbearable lightness of being Chinese. What was that? That was a movie about getting pussy. That's a new movie that's out now. That was a book about getting pussy. Everything Chinese everywhere.

Everyone Chinese. Everyone Chinese all at once. Everyone's always Chinese at once. Yeah. It sounds pretty good. Somebody said, I heard it was bad. I heard it's a piece of shit. According to Freddie, it's bad.

Who's Freddie? Freddie DeBoer. He's still doing his thing? I subscribed to his sub stack when he signed up. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I like Freddie. And he's mad at movies?

I don't know. I never read it. I just, you know. Yeah. If I see a friend of mine, or even just a casual acquaintance, or somebody that happened to be canceled for whatever reason, I'll just give them money. Oh, man.

Well, have fun in Minneapolis. Yeah, I just got an email. He was in my email. He's like, this movie's overrated. Fuck this movie. I don't think anyone liked that movie. Yeah. But people did like Shang-Chi, the legend of the Ten Rings.

They did like Shang-Chi. Yeah. Did you like Shang-Chi? I went with my girlfriend, and I was in the middle of the day. It was really hot. And I think I was like being horny. In the movie theater? Yeah.

Towards the Chinese guy? Well, I think Shang-Chi turned me on a lot. And my girlfriend, I was just like, I'll get a popcorn and put a hole in the bottom of it. And you can jack me off. I was like, his superhero costume should be him. And it's completely covered, but his penis is out. Shang-Chi.

Yeah. Yeah. But he's got a big dick. Yeah, maybe. That's the superpower. And then he's at work. And he's just a Chinese guy. And they're like, do you see this big dick guy going around

fighting crime? I was like, oh, no, never. He's like, oh, I don't have never. I never heard that quote be. I have no idea we're like, well, it's certainly not fucking you. Yeah, it can't be you, obviously. But has anyone seen me in the same room? Nobody knows who this guy is.

What a cheeky surprise. A Caribbean, a Caribbean. Well, that's going to have to do it. Thanks, man. This week, guys, patreon.com. Touch TVFS, and I'll be in Minneapolis this weekend.