The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. MCM – Lonely Teardrops

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Just having fun here. Patreon.com/TAFS

high-photons It's the Adam Friedland show. It's the motherfucking Adam Friedland show. Welcome to the show. You might have taken the gain down a tab. Down a touch. All right. Touch it down.

Why don't you touch that sound. Why don't you come touch me down real quick. I'll touch it down. I'll touch it up, brother. Stacey, you and your friends, I saw you, who's the big girl you're friends with? She's got titties now or is she just fat? Oh, the big girl, Destiny. You're in sixth grade now, Stacey, so I'm going to tell you something.

Your friends are going to start getting titties, and you can't bring them around me. I know I've been a good uncle to you so far, but if you bring even the fat ones, you bring them around to me, I'm going back to jail. I can't. It's going to be your fault. Yeah. How you doing? My name is Cletus, and I recently found out I have borderline personality disorder.

Yeah. I'm a messy bitch. My name is Cletus. I do art. I went to SVA, and I got borderline personality disorder. And if you dump me, I will kill myself. Well, yeah. Well, if you break up with me, I'm going to cut myself, and it's going to be your fault,

and the police are going to see the marks, and they're going to send you to jail. That's right. Yeah. They call, you're listening to the Southern BPD podcast. That's a good character, dude. A redneck. A redneck Ardho. A redneck Ardho.

But there's two things I love in life, Corselight and the Red Scare podcast, trying to be like Dasha and Anna. I actually don't, I can't tell you a single thing they've ever said on the show. 55-year-old men stopped eating. I'm listening. I'm 82 pounds now. I'm 82 pounds. And when I walk down the street, my knees, they collide, and it sounds like empty coconuts

fall down the stairs. It's kind of a hollow clunking noise. And everyone, everyone, at least every gay man and every other emaciated woman in a five-mile radius, they hear the noise, and they say, listen to how beautiful that woman's knees are. And I say, surprise, bitch. I'm a straight man. I'm fucking, I'm the Dallas Buyer's Club of BPD Ardhos.

Matthew McConaughey is showing up to a bar. I got this via intravenous means, not from gay sex. I'm still a fucking cowboy. I'm still doing the rodeo, like, brother, you got anorexia. Fuck you. I ain't a fag. I just like hot Brooklyn podcasts. I'm not a fucking, I ain't a fucking freak.

Yeah, he's just in the hospital bed. You just hear Anna being like, yeah, well, actually, the Uyghurs deserve to be murdered. Yeah. Actually, the Uyghurs deserve. Yeah, actually. Actually, the Uyghurs, as a mother, I realize now that the Chinese basically have a maternal instinct to murder the Uyghurs. It's more of a sort of a postpartum depression, and that's that's the way in which they want

to murder them. And then he's listening to it. And then fucking Jared Leto is the, he's like, ooh, are you listening to Red Scares? I get the fuck out of my room. You fucking queer. I'm not a fucking fag. I'm not gay. I got.

I just like this. I've lost weight because I got borderline personality disorder from the rodeo. A fucking bull kicked me in the head so hard that I cut myself when women break up with me. I don't have fucking. I don't. I'm not fucking gay. I just like a podcast.

God fucking dammit. Oh, man, I love that guy. And then the next scene, they're just in bed together listening to Red Scare. Hey, Dasha's, Dasha and Anna are kind of idiots, huh? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think they know what the fuck they're talking about. But I still like listening to him anyways.

They're funny. They just go there. So what's your deal? You got, you got BPD2 and that's why you're anorexic? No, I have AIDS. No, I have full blown AIDS. Oh my God. I got it from being a rent bull on the streets of Dallas.

Honestly work. That's kind of like it's, it's iconic. Well, it's retro. It's iconic retro. It's kind of iconic. I feel like I'm hanging out with Andy Warhol and his friends. You're kind of serving. Yeah.

You're serving. That's a serve. When I'm, I used to be disgusted when I met somebody with AIDS and now I'm like, where did you get that? Oh my God. I'm like, where did you get? Did you get? Where'd you get those AIDS?

You got to go, you got to go on Depop now to find AIDS. Oh my God. I don't even know how you get it. AIDS are expensive. They're putting, they're putting PrEP in the white claws. Down here in Texas. They got PrEP in the white claws. I don't even know.

I don't even know how you, how you would get that. I'm just trying to have a BPD girl summer. Yeah. My name's Cletus. I got, I'm a BPD art hoe. Shreveport. I'm a BPD art hoe from Shreveport and I'm the only fucking one dude. We'll talk about a lonely existence.

We got a, we got a, we don't even have a coffee shop. There's a Valero. I hang out next to the fucking. You have to go to the gas station. I go to the gas station and hang out next to the coffee machine and I fucking, I just side eye people. That's the, that's the liberal bastion of Shreveport. Yeah.

I'm like, ooh, nice clothes. Where'd you get them? This gas station? They're like, what's your fucking problem, queer? It's like for the last time I'm not queer. I'm a BPD. I have borderline personality disorder. I love you.

I love you. I love you. Where are you going? I'm going to kill myself. You better not leave this gas station. I'm going to fucking kill myself. Oh, I love that. He's like a rough neck on like an oil tanker, an offshore oil rig.

That guy rocks. They were on the last episode, they were saying, Kyle Rittenhouse is the ideal male. I agree with that, actually. So what are we talking about today, guys? Welcome to the Adam Freeland Show, cleanest. Thank you for joining us. I'm actually, we have big guests today. I don't want to, I don't want to talk.

What are you doing? Sorry, I was responding to a friend about a wiring question I had. Yeah. So guys, we're at the global corporate HQ right now. Things are looking good. Yeah. I don't know. Do they think we're fucking with them?

I don't know. I don't give a fuck. They don't believe us. They just got a five minute classic riff. That was a great riff, dude. Yeah. I really try to, you know, let you go run with the ball on that one. You're juke and people in the, you're also sick too.

You showed up today and got me sick. Right before I go to Nashville, Tennessee to perform at Zany's Comedy Club where I'll be this Friday and Saturday, there are still tickets available to every show. Please come out. Please send your friends out and, you know, tell people who the fuck can come or whatever. And then. That's right. And then let's get this tour over with.

And then, and then we can really, we can make movie magic. Let's start making art. Yeah. And guys, I did wake up sick this morning and yesterday morning, but I will be all better this Saturday. I think there are a few tickets left to the crocodile in Seattle and Mississippi Studios on, sorry, Friday at the crocodile in Seattle, Saturday, Portland, Oregon, Mississippi Studios. I think there are some tickets available to the late show on that guys.

And I'm grabbing quick, you know, it's going to be a fun one and then I'm back in New York. Me and Ray Lee and we started, we out of a motel room, we started a place where other Southern BPD art hose can listen to our Red Scare Patreon feed. So we all pool our money together to afford the $5 a month to Bos and his child, Russian baby formula. Yeah, baby formula with a nuclear fallout in it. I'm raising my child on nothing but fishes pussy juice. Who funded the, the Institute for BPD Southern Art Hose?

Was it a certain tech oligarch perhaps? Elon Musk? No. The gay one. His boyfriend. What's the gray one? The Ray Lee of, of the, of Tesla. Yeah.

Silicon Valley Buyer's Club. Yeah. What's the other one that they say all funds, all that stuff for nefarious purposes? The Greek guy. No, the gay guy, not the Greek guy. Oh, Peter Thiel. Peter Thiel. Yeah.

Peter steal your girl. Peter steal your man. Dude, he's doing this. Peter steal your man. Peter Thiel. Your man. Yeah. Oh, you better not bring him around.

Peter Thiel. Your man. That's what his name, he might feel your man. His name is actually Peter Steele. People don't know that. He's just gay. He's just a gay accent. Oh, man.

I don't understand where, what they say that guy is funding all these projects to undermine the left. I don't really understand that. You know what I think? I think the left undermines itself. I agree. I heard they had this. Sexually.

Absolute clown of a guest on the Chapo trap house broadcast. Anderson, as you know, I was brought here by Peter Thiel. He said I'm trying to take down Donald Trump and I'm going to get E. Jean Carroll on the case. E. Jean Carroll here for Werther's Originals. There's nothing I love more after being raped by the president than sucking on a nice piece of hard candy. And I've produced this commercial entirely on spec and I've sent it to the Werther's

original company in the hopes that they'll give me $32 billion, which I need to build a rocket ship so I can fly to the moon and then start a rape colony and start a rape colony funded by Peter Thiel, your girl, Peter, your, your man by the thing I said 30 seconds ago. Yeah, the thing next to 30 seconds. Yeah. Damn, I thought this, I thought it was going to be, I'm going to actually run out of steam in the next 10 minutes.

So the last one went to come in hot and then I've been, no, it's fine, dude. We have a big guest today. I've been. Oh, oh, yeah. Right. What is the guest? Oh yeah. I guess I got to keep some in the tank for that.

Yeah. We'll keep something in the tank for that. I'm excited, dude. Now I got a local source for all this speed rail. We're doing a lot of Dolly shots. We got a lot of Dolly shots coming in. This place is going to be so fucking sick. I know we did that on the, the premium episode.

Yeah. By the way, folks, if you, if you're listening to this, you want to support the show, go to patreon.com slash T-A-F-S. It's only $5 a month and you get all the additional content. For $15 a month, you get your name in the credits and for $25 a month, you get your name in the credits in an even bigger font as an executive producer or a regular producer. I forget whatever. It's a bigger font. I think the executive one.

Yeah. And then there's also supplementary stuff. Yeah. I put the script on there. There's producers and associates. Anybody who had a book giveaway, which somebody won and I got to mail that out. What's his name? Say it on the pod.

I forget. It was something like Indian or something. Yeah. Yeah. Which I'm pretty sure is just, is just a white guy doing a racist character. That's rude. Can you believe that? I don't know where he came up with that idea.

I think he's trying to copy. He met like an Indian guy going to blockbuster and he picks up taxi driver and he's like 30 minutes into it and he's like, what the fuck is this? Who the fuck is this guy? What the fuck is he talking about? That'd be a fun thing to be like an Indian comedian being like, y'all, they got a movie called Taxi Driver. Guess who they put in it?

Motherfucking white man. He said, there's one part I liked, which is he found a baby chair and he wanted to protect the baby chair. Yeah. That's the best part of Joker is when you find out that he's just stalking this woman. He's just crazy. Yeah, he imagines, yes, I love that. I got to rewatch Joker.

I only saw it in the theaters and Matt Crispin was laughing too loud for me to appreciate it. It was black women. Yeah, they were like, what the hell? He on a man. Yeah. Yeah. That must have been a weird experience for them to see that, to see that, but then have

that guy turn around. You see Matt. You have no idea. No context. Matt. Yeah, like Max Katie. Yeah, exactly. They must have felt like they had gone into the South in the 1950s.

Yeah. They were like, we made a mistake. He's smoking a big ass cigar. It would be great if at some point she was like, excuse me, we're trying to enjoy the Joker movie. Could you please keep it down? People say this movie is based. Can you please pipe down for a second?

They're always ruining our movies. Rated R, rated R for black women, rated O U R. Hour. Yeah. Rated hour. Rated. Girls trip. And then the trailer ends and it's like rated hour for us, rated for us, rated hour.

Yeah. Oh man. Yeah. So folks, I hope I don't have coronavirus. I don't think I do. Damn. If you gave me corona, if I got corona again from you, shut up, bro. You can't complain about corona if you don't believe in corona.

Yes I can. That doesn't make any sense. Why? Well, if you don't believe in God and you're like mad about the Catholic Church pedophiling children. Yeah. But then you don't think that the Catholic Church actually knows that God exists. Well, obviously God exists because they keep getting away with it.

That's true. God's really hooking them up. Well, what other, what God has to be like, I'm out of ways to prove that I'm real. Let me just let all of my guys violently rape children with zero consequences. And that has to prove, there's got to be somebody that's like, well okay, then that proves it. Prove it. Yeah.

That really proves it. Because really no one else can get away with it. Yeah, I think that's what Thomas Aquinas was writing about. Thomas Vaginas. What is in the news guys, we're having a, we're having a slow day here at the office. I'm not having it. You've been sleeping. I've been working.

Yeah, I know. You got that speed rail. We're excited about that. Mm hmm. Then we're going to get the lights next and then we're going to get the stage. Yeah. Floor's got to be cleaned and polished waxed. Are we going to have a cleaning crew come through?

Yeah. Yeah. You got them coming through this weekend or not? Yeah, next week, before they drop the stage off, this is sick. This will all be clean. The floor is spick and span. Uh huh. Well, maybe my friend can, my friend wanted to go do like a, like a, like a pre-light,

just rent a bunch of shit and then see how it looks. And I think, I think, no, we just go spend the money. What do you talk about? We get as many lights as possible. What's the pre-light? Whether you rent the lights and you bring everything in and you light it to see how it looks. And then once you know how, and that's your equipment list, then you go.

That sounds like a responsible way of doing it. Responsible. Yeah. Brother, my middle name is irresponsible. It sounds like you want to get like the stuff that they made. Irresponsible Jones. The bad man begins with, you want to light up Gotham City. Well, I kind of want to put a bunch of expensive big lights in here.

And then you also see the lights. And then some people can see that, yeah, we got lights for like one second and we'll have just some sort of dolly shot or that way, but that way when people are like, get lights, get real lights, you go, Oh yeah. And then you zoom out. You somehow have that for the one press for the one guy. Yeah. For the one guy.

And then you're going to be going back to stealing the show. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going back to stealing the show. Yeah. And guess what? That guy. I love those guys.

Yeah. Those guys rule. We should also get a boat in here. I think too. What do you mean? Like part of it should be like, you know, on the stage. You know, like in the other, another section in here, we should have like, so sometimes we have like a yacht, like scenes with a green screen behind it.

Yeah. But we get the, we'll cut a boat in half, like a 50 foot boat, we'll cut a 50 foot boat in half. And then then we can do scenes where we have a lot of our friends and so ladies and gentlemen, we could do the Jack Holding Rose, but I'm also a businessman. We also have to have really expensive. I think in the Adam Freeland show has been the greatest journey of my life. And now you're doing Chris Christian Bale.

No. Who are you doing? It's just a British guy. I don't even know. I've, I've done Australian so many times pretending to do British and now I can't do them separate. Yeah. We better get the show started before we lose. We lose your powerful skill of impersonation.

What was I going to say? We have to, I had something to say, fuck guys, I'm sorry, I'm so sleutered today. I really hope I'm not sick and I really hope I don't have to cancel these shows, but you should buy tickets because I'm not going to be canceling the shows. And if I have the coronavirus, I will not be telling Alaska Airlines. No, what I was like, oh yeah, what I was going to say is we're going to have to, the next step is staffing up right after we have this whole set up. I think a good idea for us would be to hire some, hire those Venezuelan migrants in Martha's

Vineyard. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. What do you think they're doing there? They're like, oh, Mr. Obama. I want to see Mr. Obama. They're like, I just got a full Vineyard Binds out, a lot of Vineyard Binds. I love Vineyard Binds.

Do you know where Barack Obama lives? I want to beat Barack Obama and wear my Vineyard Binds to a Vineyard's house. Bo Bimeer, I love Barack Bo Bimeer. I love watching the past game this weekend. The Pants, the Pants, which you can, fuck it, you can bet on the Pants game at mybookie.ag. Oh, okay, great. My bookie, my bookie. It's a website you can go to if you're pussy aside ways.

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Suddenly I've been hit with a wave of nausea, and I'm about to projectile vomit. Dude, I think I got you, so I'm fine. You fucking cots. You're my fucking whore, girlfriend, got me sick. Getting started, and then what? Then I go home by myself, and I'm just sick on my fucking couch by myself. No, she can take care of both of us. Yeah.

Well, she better. And you won't have to go to fucking Nashville. Dude, have you? It was the last time you went to Nashville. I can't, so I have to go to Nashville. I have to go to fucking Seattle. I don't go to Portland. The shows are booked.

I got to go do it. I got to go do it. And I was sick in Irvine. I'm like, I just keep getting fucking sick. What the fuck is going on with our lives? And nobody got sick for like two years, and then... Anyway, so getting started, a simple sign up today and use promo code COMTON or COMTON20 and you'll double your first deposit instantly, that's promo code COMTON or COMTON20 to double

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Yeah. It's Nashville. It's like, it's become like New Orleans for just for country music. And you can just see the fattest... That's where you go if you want to just like walk around without shoes, playing guitar all the time, right? No, you go there if you want to like take the fattest women you know for your bridal party, or your fucking, what's it called, wedding, what's it called?

The wedding. Your stag weekend. Snatch or Lorette party. Your Snatch or Snatch or Lorette party, yeah. Like Mike Racine and I were there and we saw some of the biggest, the absolute biggest monsters. At mybookie.ag. Yeah.

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How about instead of dying of AIDS, they call it suicide by gay? You know, it's pretty good. Yeah, the doctor, the, the medical examiner ruled it suicide by gay. No? That's a little, that's probably offensive. That's probably offensive to their commuter. Anyway, online gambling pioneers created mybookie in 2014, vowing to improve the services where so many other brands had failed.

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Okay. All right. Hopefully. I'm going to work out and then I'm going to go maybe figure maybe go on another boring date. Yeah. Yeah, I've been doing a lot of that. Now I'm just so bad at it because I do it all the time.

I just take people out to dinner and then I'm like, yeah, so what do you fucking do? Yeah, that's great. Is that your first question? Yeah. And then I go, all right, well, it's nice meeting you and then I leave. I like to ask them if they're wearing a wire. Yeah. Yeah, I just don't, I don't, it's kind of unfair.

I shouldn't do it. I think I just do it to like try and strike some work-life balance and like that's your life is just meeting different women you don't like. Yeah. And then I go to dinner and then I go home and you're pissed. No, I'm not pissed. I just leave. I'm fine.

I'm like, all right, I did it. I did it. I did the thing. It feels real. I did the thing you're supposed to do. That accomplishment? No, it doesn't feel like an accomplishment. I just did something other than, other than focus on, you know, my gas little project.

Yeah. I guess so. I guess so. Yeah. I got a couple of gay-ass projects. I got a couple of gay-ass little projects. Yeah. You know, I'm got a couple of gay-ass little projects.

I love projects. I love activities. Have you ever had a gay-ass project you're working on? What? Um, okay. So what, what the fuck? What are we talking about? Okay.

So Donald Trump, Donald Trump, let's see, Donald Trump. Let's see. One second. One second. Oh, okay. What do you got? You got some? Mm-hmm.

One second. So, um, Michelob Ultra is back in the news after a man ran over his own son drinking the other day. Yeah. Try to do that. Try to do that after a couple of Miller High Lives. Impossible. Impossible.

Michelob Ultra, the beer for getting fucked up and killing your family. Okay. So. Oh, okay. It looks like, uh, we're in the middle of an inflation crisis, right? We got an inflation crisis, folks, um, and the Fed is getting even tougher on inflation. They're getting even tougher on inflation. So recently today, we had, uh, the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Jerome Powell, spoke

and he said that there are no indications of lowering interest rates until the very least 2024. Looks like we're going to be raising this motherfucker for a while. Mm-hmm. So, um, I thought we'd have an exclusive interview with Mr.... Oh, well, we only got two microphones, so I guess I'll leave and you can introduce... Yeah, yeah, okay. So.

And remember, this is, this joke really only works for about 0.2 seconds. Okay. Well, it would be a quick... It's not going to be a joke. It's going to be... Oh, okay. Hold on. It's my girlfriend calling.

Oh, okay. You might want to... you might want to handle your... when people say handle your bitch, control your bitch. Okay. I'll see you soon on the recording. I'll see you soon on the recording. I'm recording. I'm repeating what you just said.

Okay, bye. I see it. Love you. Okay, I'm back. Um. So, yeah, it's Federal... Federal Reserve chaired Jerome Powell... Valid officials. That's interesting. Yeah.

So, you said you got Jerome Powell for the show. How did you do that? Oh, I just looked him up. He seemed like he was available. You looked up Jerome Powell. Yeah. So, maybe you did what you did, but how did you do that? It was the white pages.

So, you looked up Jerome Powell on the white pages, and you called the first one, and that's who you got. Yeah, but he said he works at the Fed. Okay, cool. Okay. All right. So, everyone, please welcome Federal Reserve chaired Jerome Powell. How y'all doing?

What's up, man? How you doing? Thanks for joining us. Yeah. What's up? So, you said you wanted me to... What? You had me come through? Yeah, we got a podcast.

A podcast. But we're trying to make it a television show. But anyway, we're trying to make it a television show. Is this Jerome Powell? And I said, yes. Yeah. And I said, you are the chairman of the Federal Reserve. You didn't say that.

What you said was, is this Jerome Powell? And I said, yes. I'm one of maybe 9,000 people named Jerome Powell. There's only one of them that's a white guy. And that's the chairman of the Federal Reserve. And I'm one of the other Jerome Powell... I'm what you would expect when you hear the name Jerome Powell per the joke that we discussed, so that's set up Jerome Powell at the different one.

So, I'm pretty sure I did ask you if you were chairman of the Federal Reserve, Jerome Powell. And you sent me a picture of your girlfriend and said, I could titty fuck her if I can't do it. No, I didn't say that at all. Well, that's... I looked up you and found the picture and decided that that was going to be the exchange. Okay.

So, we both made some assumptions. We made a couple of assumptions. You know what happens when you assume? You get the titty fucker. You get the titty fucker. You're a fast girlfriend. Yeah. It's fucked up.

It is. So, I guess Jerome... I guess you're the wrong Jerome Powell, but you know... But I can answer these questions. What do you want to talk about? Inflation? Okay. So, we got to get inflation behind us, clearly. And...

You know what? We also need to get behind something else. It's me. Behind your big titty girlfriend. No. And then sexually. Listen, sir. And maybe I can inflate my penis inside of her over time.

Sir, this is a serious show. This is a serious show, okay? Okay. Go ahead. So, continue, ma'am. I'm sorry. I'm eating. I apologize, Jerome.

Okay. So, we got to find a painless way to do it, but it doesn't seem like there is a painless way to poppers. Pop. Oh, sorry. What were you talking about? To lower inflation. So...

Oh, okay. So, the press conference in Washington on Wednesday after the officials lifted the target for the benchmark federal funds rate range from 3 to 3.25 percent. Let me tell you something, man. Y'all need to stop talking about the federal reserve and start talking about the federal deserve. What do you deserve? And if the answer is nothing except what you're putting in.

So, you're complaining about... That's right. Oh, we made the interest rates bad? Mm-hmm. Well, your ass, what did you do? That's right. What did you do today? Right.

Nothing. Mm-hmm. Nothing. Yeah. You don't even pick up the phone when your son calls. No, I don't have a son. And you're mad at me? I'm not mad at you.

This is me at the press conference. So, you're mad about... Hold on. Inflation? What have you done? They got another guy named... I only got five minutes of teaching chess to retards at the park. Oh, yeah. You play chess really fast.

I play chess fast. I've never learned how to play the game, but I go so fast. You go so fast, people think you're really good. So the S&P 500 sock index ended near session lows. The Salt and Peppa 500? No, it's the standard and... What's the standard and poor? Salt and Peppa. Salt and Peppa.

Yeah. So what is that? Famous R&B group, Salt and Peppa. Why is it 500? Because it's how long the racetrack is. Oh, it's like 500 laps. Oh, okay. So...

No, I mean... So there's this guy, Paul Volcker, right? Yeah. Look how big their heads are. Salt and Peppa? Mm-hmm. Yeah, they do have really big heads. They do. They're like DK mode.

Because their heads are so big, guys, before you get fucking mad at me, before you get mad at me and say, that's not a very centered left thing to say. What's DK mode? Like Donkey Kong mode. Oh, you can't say that, dude. But DK mode in fucking GoldenEye, dude. Oh. They're Donkey Kong-

They're Donkey Kong- They're Woob. They're Woob. They're Woob. They're Woob. They're Woob. They're Woob. They're Woob.

They're Woob. So, apparently, Derek Tang, who's an economist at LH Meyer in Washington said, this is Powell's last roll of the dice, right? He's going all in. And the higher unemployment forecasts are a fair warning they will inflict pain. They should just raise the rate to 15% now. Federal funds rate at 15%, correct? Just tank the fucking economy.

It's all the poor people, their retirements are wrecked and everything, and fucking, then we can come in and the people whose job it is to make money, we can come in and clean up. Yeah. You know? What people? The people. The people whose job it is to make money.

The people who actually like the economy. Yeah. The people who do the economy. Why is it that when the economy gets bad, suddenly all of these Johnny come lately, they have no positions that aren't playing the game, that haven't been the ones driving up prices to begin with. Monday morning quarterbacks. Oh, I can't afford groceries.

Yeah. Motherfucker, shut up. That's right. Your job is to eat the slop that's produced by me and my friends from Suitsupply. The guys I met at Suitsupply, we go to the cigar lounge and we laugh. We laugh about these peasants that don't understand positions. You're a creative elite, right? Yeah.

And they're just some Johnny come lately. Johnny come too early. Johnny come quickly. Johnny come quickly. Puffy before Puffy, the genius of Herbie Lovebug Azour. Sometimes I worry that this show has to be terrible because we'll just laugh at, I'm just reading a headline. How is that a real headline?

Puffy before Puffy, the genius of Herbie Lovebug. What was the headline you saw about? Oh, yeah. Well, I was looking at the Chinese mice. Alex sent that video of the fucking, the mice fight or the rats fighting in the suit. No, those look like cute little mice. They're like baby rats, I think. Are they?

I think they're baby rats. They're so cute. Because they're dark. Yeah, but it syncs up perfectly with this kung fu movie. How many other mice are there in that suit? I think the other ones are all dead. And that's why, look how long the tails are. That's why I think they're rats.

They let them die. They put them in the soup alive. I think so. I think they just eat them like that. And here's the thing. You know what's funny about this? The soup looks disgusting even without the rats in it, not even the addition of the rats. What's going on in the Chinese mind that you're eating that, you know, like, this is missing

something. Oh, I know. Live, live, live baby rats is what that's the missing ingredient in this fucking thing. But yeah, looking it up at the Sun article, the disgusting moment captured in which Chinese man dips. Right, it's like, first of all, how did the news even get that video? You know, that's like some Chinese home movie. Like imagine like we live in the country, we live in the emergent super superpower.

But for years, our culture has been neglected. And it's like your girlfriend just takes a video of you like fucking having chicken nuggets. And then the biggest tabloid in China is like, disgusting moment, hideous Jewish man enjoys a processed chicken snack. Watch is this fucking pig eats disgusting food. Disgusting moment. And then you're like, wait a minute, I'm on the fucking news in China. All right, we got another writer's packet, Nick.

We also have another ad read. Oh, shit, let's do that. And then we're going to go through Phil's writing packet. Your friend, Phil. No, Phil smitten. Phil's mitten. I don't think it's real name, but these are really good jokes. What's the read?

Oh, sorry, I thought you were about to say something. Let's see here. Diet smoke. Diet smoke. I don't know who's that was Japanese parliament, the smoke. Why is it called that is that the diet in the call that. All right, folks, diet smoke has Delta H date Delta eight and Delta nine THC gummies, the the CBD's, vapes, drinks.

They got it all. And guess what guys, it's going to fuck you up. National diet. Coca is Japanese, Japan's bicameral parliament is composed of a lower house called the House of Representatives and an upper house, the House of Counselors, Shujin and Sanjin. And then elected under parallel voting systems. Damn, I want to go back to Japan. Just bowing at people constantly.

You were just calling people gay. No, I wasn't. Yeah, you're being like, you're fucking. I didn't do that. Yeah, you were. I didn't do that. Don't be smirch me. You're touching people.

I refuse to be besmirched. Yeah, you don't. My name is besmirch. My name is besmirch. Y'all sell besmirch and dice. How about besmirch and dice and it's sure it's there like, yeah, your wife said, don't bitch. How dare you?

Yeah. How dare you besmirch? I didn't besmirch my fat, bespitch, bespitch. My boy. Anyway, guys, most people are familiar with Delta 9 THC and CBD products, but these days other cannabinoids are seeing more fame and curiosity. Delta 8 THC is one of these cannabinoids. The top list of FAQs, everyone seems to have.

Did you step in dog shit or something or did I, I keep getting whiffs of like dog shit. Maybe it's me. Maybe I shit myself. Did you? No. Actually, I have something in my, yeah, you got dog shit all over your shit. No, it's not. Um, anyways, we're talking about dog shit, is it?

Diet dog shit. Yeah. So basically people have been smoking dog shit for years. The Chinese guy that's like, Hey, did you hear they got diet dog shit now? Excuse me. Do you have any low calorie mice? I was trying to watch my figure. I was wondering if you got any, any diet rats.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just going to get a small, some Chinese guy riding up on a fixie and he's like looking at him and you know, places like, yeah, I'm a rat, a tarion, so I can only eat vegetables and rats. I'm a mice, a tarion. Yeah.

Right. A fixie. Basically I listened to Red Scare and I eat the borderline person. Personality disorder. I got borderline personality disorder and you're saying, don't you need a personality before you can have borderline personality disorder? That's what, that's, that's a joke. Yeah.

It's weird. All these Brooklyn women have borderline personality disorder, which you would think someone would need a personality first before they could even have that's pretty good. Yeah. Take that you fucking, take that you fucking dumb. The sluts. Take that. If you're living off the fucking J train.

Oh my God. If you're living off the J train. Yeah. That's gotta be, you know, that's gotta be a sad character is like the woman who's like the girl version of us, you know, like a girl that's like now just in her mid 30s that's still living in Bushwick and is like, do I just keep fucking people? I guess. Do I just?

Yeah. What is she gonna do? What is she gonna do? Do I just keep? I can't get any more tattoos. The only way I can get more tattoos is if I get fatter, so I have more skin, the tattoo. So I'll get fatter and I guess I keep fucking people and then, and then I guess, yeah, if I threaten to kill myself, if people break up with me, they're just gonna be like, all

right, well, maybe you should. Yeah, maybe actually, that would be a good idea for you, but what are they gonna do? And I guess the girl version of this is only fans. I mean, the male version of this is also pretty bad, but we're rich now. Yeah, I'm saying if she wants to make money and maybe try to. Can you imagine if I was if I was doing shit like this, still trying to get stuff off the ground? A lot of people are.

I know. A lot of people are. I don't know how. I mean, I don't have any self respect as it is, but if I was like, yeah, we're doing a show called that. Imagine trying to explain trying to do the Adam Friedland show, like the people, like would you have the, like the, I would feel like I would have maintained an even now, but I don't know what the show like is, you know, people listen to it when people are

like, what are you up to? I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. We're trying to do. We're building a studio. Yeah. It's fucking. I just say we're building a studio.

Yeah. That's the only way. And people don't even know what that means, but they're like, oh, OK, that sounds like something. Yeah. I feel like the only kind of guy I respect now is a guy that's like, yeah, I don't have a job. I'm not looking for one.

Yeah. Yeah. I do nothing. Yeah. I don't want to. I don't know. What do you do? Nothing.

I fucking, I live off the state. I do absolutely nothing. I sort of wander around. Walk. Yeah. I walk. Yeah. The only people I really respect now are just drunks and drug addicts who aspire to

do nothing. Like if you have come full circle now, if you're a guy that just, you go see the Marvel movies but you're not really even into them, you just don't know what the fuck else to do. It's just the thing to do. The only news you know about is like seasonal menu items at fast food restaurants. Like if you're one of the guys that knew a Wegmans was coming to the Navy Point. Yeah. Yeah.

People were hyped on that. And that's the only news you have in your head. Yeah. Oh, I heard they're getting Wegmans. Mad respect. Diet smoke. Diet smoke. Brought to you by the Japanese government.

Is Delta 8 a synthetic cannabinoid? No. Delta 8 THC is a natural cannabinoid but it is usually produced from other cannabinoids by humans rather than directly extracted. So basically here's the thing guys, you have Delta 8, you have Delta 9, they're basically the same shit. You get high from it. They have both these things at dietsmoke.com.

You can order them depending on where you live. You can go to their fucking website. They got great products. This shit tastes good too. It smokes good too. Actually, I don't know if it smokes. No, no, they have vapes. You can smoke the vapes.

You can drink the drinks and you can eat their damn gummies. And they got some great flavors, folks. Cherry lime, strawberry, mango, some blue shit, blue raspberry, watermelon, all the fucking coolotta flavors that the heart desires. Yeah. Folks, this shit is good. You don't need a prescription. It's 100% legal, I think, made from American grown hemp plants, third party lab tested for

potency and safety. You get 30 gummies per jar, 10 milligrams each. Guys, it's going to be fucking good. So if you go to their website and you click shop, now you're putting promo code COMTOWN or COMTOWN20, you can get all that fucking shit. It's legal THC, it's perfectly balanced, it's a non-prescription, it's hemp-derived. What the fuck else are you going to do with your life? What the fuck could you possibly else do?

Just go, listen, guys. What are you going to do with your fucking life? You're just going to watch a fucking fantastic beast and you're going to eat one of these? Fantastic beast. What do you think that movie's about? It's about some of those bitches down in Nashville, Tennessee. You just got a DJ at that wedding. What the hell is this?

The Fantastic Beast? Oh, it's a fantastic beast and where to find him? I guess I had this wedding. Yeah, that's where, you guys see that movie? You see that movie, Fantastic Beast? You guys, why am I getting booed? Anyways, here is Maroon 5. Dude, you're going to see some fantastic beast.

I'm more like, looking at the bride, I'd say, more like moon-faced 5 out of 10. Dude, you got to see them. You got to see these absolute fucking, they got this, those things too, like, dietsmonk.com, promo code, come down or come down 20, they got one of them. They got those things where it's like a, like a mural on a wall of like wings, like big wings. And then you'll just see a line of like 40 women, just, you know, with like bachelorette party sashes, just drunk at 10 AM, lined up to take a picture in front of the mural with big wings so they can get a picture of them in front of some fucking shitty wall.

Yeah. It's, it's pretty good, dude. You should get a some Western wear stuff while you're down there and there was a good disclose along the way. Oh, there's the best bar, the best bar. I think maybe one of my favorite bars besides Club Deuce in Miami, Hard Rock Cafe, the Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville, Tennessee. No, they have this bar, this like fucking, what's it called?

It's like a Christmas theme. It's like a double wide trailer is this old redneck who's got a long ass white beard. And he's like the people, I guess people call him Santa. There's a Christmas theme bar in Austin also, La La's. I think it's just, it's not, it's barely even Christmas themed. That's how, that's how it's like karaoke. Yeah. It's like there's karaoke going on.

It's great. That place is fucking great. I went there with Mike Racine and some of the, some of the local national comics and it was fun. I'm going to be in Nashville actually this year, 2023. For what? That's not this year. To be a Xanus.

Next year I guess. How are you doing Xanus? Yeah. Brainy's. Go get some head. Go get some hay. You know, people are sending me pictures of this 21 year old drunk driver. Yeah, that's what, that's what La La's looks like.

Yeah, it's kind of like that. Do you want to go through this fucking? This guy looks like you. This guy that got pulled over. I got it. That looks like, you know, there's a 21 year old Florida man. Fuck off Mike. Fuck off.

Fuck off. Fuck off. Doesn't look like me. Doesn't look like me. Fuck off. It doesn't look like me. Well, I want, you know, I want to be like mentally disabled, you know, like a guy, you know, he's like, you know, and they have like a, like a, like an invalid or a simpleton

that they make fun of on British television. That's what, that's a career I want. Yeah. It's to be a guy and they bring them on and they're like, oh, Eric, you tell us again, you're saying you went to the shoe store and you were surprised, you thought, you could thought you could buy one shoe. Yeah. And I'll tell my story.

I said, the price of the shoe is that for one of them or both of them. And they tell me it's for both of them. And so I hand them half the money and they say, what's this for? And it says, because I'm all, I only want to pay for one of the shoes and I'll take it and they say you have to buy them as a pair. Yeah. And I say, well, I'll come back later. I went to one shoe now and okay, maybe a different scenario, a different scenario for an idiot

to be. Yeah. Let me think, why don't you prompt me and I can be like, you're saying these are scenarios for a British simpleton on the show once we get, who's this, what the fuck are you doing here? No. Don't talk to her that way. Hi.

How was work? I'm doing my podcast. He's just shopping in. Have you seen this yet? Have you seen what it looks like in here? Come look at it and sit and be quiet. We'll be done in 10 minutes. Yeah.

Did you go shopping for me for my cold? Thanks. Thank you. What did you, what did you get him? You got him cold medicine that comes in a gift bag. No. Throat coat. Throat coat.

The T, throat coat T. Don't make jokes on the internet. Nobody buys shit for me. I guess it's because I'm an unlikable kind of piece of shit. She'll give you some. I don't want, I don't want any fucking pity throat. What is that, drops? Echinacea? Yeah.

Wow. Thank you. That shit was good. I was putting Echinacea in my eyeball when I couldn't get antibiotics. And I think it, I think that's what actually permanently damaged my vision. Yeah. Just go to the office. We'll be done in a minute.

Yeah. All right. So we're, we're talking about British simpleton. Yeah. All right. Let's, let's. I went around a car place and I said, what's the rate for, they said, you know, the car cost 117 pounds.

They call it, they say it cost 85 quid a day. Okay. And I got my pencil out and my calculator and I said, and what's it cost at night? Yeah. I was thinking, everyone laugh at me in that place. So you're, you're being like a Karl Pilking too, is that what you're trying to do? Yeah, I guess. Like a British Mungaloid.

It's, it's kicked. Well, now I'm getting, now I'm feisty during my, my addiction. Now you're putting this addiction to. My pencil, my calculator and I said, what's it cost at night? You know. Yeah. What, okay. I know I'm trying to think.

you went to the bank, right? And you wanted to open up an account. Yeah, oh no, I was on a plane and I was sort of shutting up the guy next to me. They put the seat belts on. And he said, you know, what the hell are these for? A seat belt on an airplane? And I said, you know, in case the airplane

gets into a car accident. And he said, well, then you'd be dead. You know, you mean if the plane crashed? And I said, yeah, but not if it gets into a car accident. Because some of the time the plane is driving. And what if a car drives into a seat belt? Yeah, it's true. And he said, oh, you wanted those British.

Carl Puget. You wanted those idiotic British guys. I said, I went to a store. I wanted to buy a chair. And they had this chair. They said, this one's a lazy boy. And I said, why is it called that? And he said, because he reclines or whatever.

I said, wouldn't that be a better name for the wheelchairs? That lazy boy. And they said, no, because those people, they can't walk, they're making a choice not to. And I said, I've offended again, haven't I? I've done something offensive. And now you're going to, now the fucking, the political correctness.

It's a bit weird. You've got to mix your own paint when you get home from the store. Yeah, why don't they, yeah. They mix it at the store, but you've got to mix it again. Yeah, why? I don't know how they can't figure out how to make the paint mix, but you can go to the groceries.

The grocery. You can go to the, what do they call it there? The grocery, yeah. You can go to the pineapple nitty down on the corner. And also you, they got peanut butter and jelly in the same can now. So I said, fuck it, I'll just paint in my house some peanut butter and jelly.

That's like a Jack handy. I don't know. I'm trying to think of dumb ones. That's good. Let's just, let's keep going with this. I like the one about a car. Kiddy, got a car accident on the plane. You haven't noticed how some of the plugs,

they got two of their eyes and some of them got three. And I said, what was that for? And they said, it's for ground. And I said, but it's all the way up on a wall. It's a different kind of ground. I was like, what do you mean? And they said, it's a ground for the electricity. I was like, what do you mean the ground for electricity?

And then they tried to explain it to me, and I got a nosebleed and I had to stop listening to them. It's where we use stuff all the time and we don't know how it works. Like the alarm clock, how does it know to go off at 6 a.m.? Yeah, because it's a clock. Yeah, but how is it? I guess, yeah.

Are you programmed? I guess, yeah, that's how I would know. But how does the alarm part know it's 6 a.m.? You said it, though. But the clock does the clock. The clock tells the time. They're working together. But the alarm, it's the bells on the top.

How did the bells? How did the bells? But what about the bells? What about the bells? Why is there two of the bells? It's because they want to look like ears. No, because the bells, if they're knocking together. I figured they could save a lot of money

if it was only one bell. It's true. I wanted to store it. But then it'd be like you're getting woken up like at a hotel desk. I'll pay for it, but I'll take this, but I'm not paying for the extra bell. They're trying to charge you more.

They throw another bell on there. Yeah, why do they have that? They have the thing at the hotel desk, the one bell. What the hell is that guy doing in the back? Yeah, I know. What a bloody hell is he doing in the back there? It's annoying. Well, every other job, you've got to be at the counter.

But if a hotel, you're allowed to fuck off. You're allowed to fuck off to the back. And then some guy with the world's most pussy bell in the world. It's a ding, ding, ding, ding. I went. You know what I did? I went to the hotel. I pulled up.

I brought all my luggage in. The guy was in there. I saw the bell. I got offended. I left a note. I got my notepad out, and I do math on when I get into arguments. And I wrote, I wrote, I'll tell you what, mate.

I'm going to go to my car. Why don't you ring the bell when you're ready for me? And I left a note there. I ended up sleeping in my car in the parking lot for three and a half days. Saved myself three nights in a hotel stay. He never rang the bell. Probably $1,000.

I said about $15,000. I don't think it would be that much for three nights. $48,000,000 and a half million quid. And I went on a vacation. I went on holiday with it. What do you do for a job? I went to Puerto Rico. I saw all the places where they filmed fast in a few years.

I saw the beginning. I went to La Perla, whatever the bad neighborhood is called. And they said, you know, you can't do it. In La Perla's women's underwear. Yeah, whatever the fuck it's called. I went down there. I went in the bad neighborhood. And I took pictures.

I was taking pictures for the camera. And some guy came up and he said, you know, you're not allowed to take pictures here. They'll pull a gun on you. They'll kill you if you take pictures. And I showed him the camera roll and it was all, you know, it's a pretend camera for mongoloids. It's for babies.

And it doesn't even have service. It does not. Yeah, it's made out. It's filled with candy. Yeah, yeah. It was a Fisher price. It's a Fisher price. I wish I could do at least one of these.

It's actually funny. No, I think the car accident with the plane was good. What sort of things like a British idiot would say? I was on the plane and they told me, I need to put my seat back forward. I said, how's it supposed to go back and forward at the same time? Yeah, that's good. They tell you to put your seatbelt on.

And, you know, sometimes I don't do it. And they kind of just drop it. They don't really give you a hard time. You get pissed when they tell you to. Yeah, it annoys me too, but I do it. But I kind of like being securely in the chair. But that's only because I'm a conformist. They say put your phone on airplane mode.

And I'm like, what the hell is that? They say it turns off all the radios. I said, I don't even know my phone had a radio. This whole time, I could have been listening to Mickey in a minute. It's awful. It's awful. It's awful. This whole time, I could have been listening to afternoon drive Mickey in a minute.

To 95 rock. What's the 98 rock? This whole time, I could have been listening to sports junkies. I could have been listening to Mike in a mad dog. Yeah, I said my phone, it's not a radio. It's a phone. It's a phone. Even if it was a radio, how would a radio...

Idiot. Idiot. It's a phone. It's not a radio. How would a radio even know what's harmony alarm was? Exactly. That's a good question. How would a radio even know it's not a radio?

What's the... You don't even know you see the drawings of sperm, but when it comes out, it doesn't look like that at all. Yeah, it's like liquid. Yeah. It's like how you know the drawing of a hawk. Imagine going to the doctor. Mine doesn't look like this.

I went to the doctor. I went to NHS. I said... When I came out, it's a liquid, it's not a little tadpole fella with it. I thought I was going to have all these tadpole fellas. I thought the tadpole fellas would come out, but I wasn't. But it's just like a liquid in it. It's a liquid.

It's not fair. Everyone has done that at me at Easter this year because I found all the eggs, and they said that's for the children, and I said, well, obviously it's not because I did it. Yeah, sort of. If it was just for the children, I wouldn't have been able to do it. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. How would I be able to?

There's certain things that are just for children, like going to a tiny door or the play place at McDonald's. Right. I can't fit in there. You can't do that. I can go find eggs. Any fucking time. I stayed.

I was up drinking the night before, so I would have hit all of them. No, children wake up 10, 11 a.m. They're crying. My mouth is covered in chocolate. I love this guy. He's just dick. Guys, everybody's mad about inflation. I said, what's that?

And they said, everything's getting more expensive. Yeah, like a balloon. And they said, the price has got to come down. And I said, well, it's just basic. They say it's just supply and demand. The supply's low and the demand's high, but they forget that that's all. There's a third thing. Stealing.

If something becomes too expensive, then you say, fuck it, I'm not paying for this. And you steal it. Yeah. You worry about the companies, and it's on us to start nicking things. Yeah, yeah. Then you got to start nicking. I've been stealing medicine. What do you steal?

I was on the lorry, the train. Yeah, yeah. The truck. I was on the lorry. Right, yes, the truck. Wherever the fuck we call the train. There's an elderly woman next to her. Next to me, I went to a person.

I nicked the medicine. Yeah. And now I've been taking it. I've never felt better. You feel good. I've never felt better. I think they should give. Why do you have to wait until you're an old lady who's start taking the old lady?

That's a good question. You start taking it now for free. Yeah. And you're fixing the economy while you're doing it. That's a good idea. Yeah, yeah. The old lady drives down prices of the medicine. Because the old bird, she's got to go back to the pharmacy and say,

mongoloids, nick me medicine. I fucking know one of these mongoloids. Off the lorry, nick me medicine. Yeah, yeah. They do do the lorry job. She said, I'm buying again. But this time I'm paying half. Because he got nicked.

And that's how the prices got down. That's how they go down. You say, I'm not paying for the bell. I'm only paying for one of the shoes. I'm nicking all the medicine off the old birds. I'm driving the prices down. I'm not waiting on the queen to do it. I think that the supply is getting smaller if you do that.

Because then there's less medicine for people to buy. Fuck off. And I think also medicine is free. That's true. It is free. In the UK. But it's going to hit the thing. This is how the economy works.

You keep stealing it. Eventually you're going to pay you to take the medicine. Yeah. Because it'll drive the prices down so far. The people will say, why even get the free medicine anymore? It's just going to get nicked by a lorry among a lorry. A Jerome pallet, really. And they say, oh, Jerome.

They say Jerome. How'd you come up with that? Are you up to your bollocks again? You're up to your nonsense. Stealing medicine off the old birds. That's my plan for fixing the economy. I'm telling you, it's made me smarter. The medicine.

One of these days I'll be able to read a bottle. Yeah. Yeah. So you don't know actually what kind of medicine it is? No idea. But it's all the same. It's all the same. All medicine is, you know, they try different things.

And something works. And then you take it. And they say, all right, fuck it. We'll give it a fancy name and pretend like we came up with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, if it isn't something just fucking fuck off, mixing up chemicals. Yeah, yeah.

Who are you? Let's try this. Yeah, yeah. Half the medicine we have came from the Holocaust. That's true. They didn't get any new medicine until they do another one. They had a lot of trials. A lot of trials.

A lot of errors too. Yeah. Couple errors. That's what they had to do, always coronavirus. That's what they did for trials. For trials, yeah. Yeah. It's weird that they call them medical trials, right?

And it's like, okay, well, let me ask you this then. Who's going to jail? Right. If it's a trial, who's going to jail? Because it's not going to be me, mate. It's not going to be me. I'll tell you right now. This is the smugness.

The smugness of the check and made point that he's just made. Who's going to jail? It's not going to be me, mate. It's not going to be me. I'm not going back to jail. I'm not doing it. Not for father. All right.

Thanks, folks. Patreon.com. I'll see you guys next time.