The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. P08 – Caleb Pitts

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

OMAHA MARCH 10-11 Support the show, and watch the video episode at patreon.com/tafs

Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, the podcast. It's Wednesday. I'm here, joined with my best friend, Nick, and I got the game on. Guy, if you're going to be talking to the laptop, maybe Dave, this is lab and my lab is my lab good because we were told the audio was good. We got Caleb Pitts in the house, in the hins. I don't think they can hear you today. Dave, if you want, you can plug an XLR to the board and get yourself there.

Actually, Dave, can you do that and apologize to the audience? Okay. We got Caleb Pitts in the house from the band in 1975. Thanks for coming. What's up? My boy. We've been going on the road together. Recently, off a neck injury, which I don't know if you want to disclose that.

Yeah, no, that's fine. I had a shout out to Corey G. in Providence for fixing your neck. Corey G., Providence, Rhode Island. Is that the guy that owns the club? No, that's our host. He was two men over 40 named Corey in the same room. Yeah, we didn't know if that was a regional thing. That's how old Corey's are now.

Corey's gotten old. True. Corey in the house is like 57 years old. Oh, really? That little black kid? No. Corey in the house is 57. Is he the one?

No. Raven's brother went crazy. Everything of George Floyd is killed by the police, not Corey in the house. No. It wasn't Corey in the house. No, it was Fatso Raven's brother. It was George Floyd. No, it was Fatso Raven's brother who got killed by the police, but separately.

Oh, man. He had a toy gun. Because you got fat? Yeah. Yeah. He saw how fast he got, and then he did a suicide by cop. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, last week, Brace was here, and he was talking, I don't know if we'd leave this in, but he was talking about how fat Lena Dunham has gotten. I'm not. Nick, let's, let's, no, let's stop that train of dots. I'll say this. No, I'm a little interested. No, I want her for the show. Like, I'm desperate for her for the show.

Why would you not? She's a genius. She's, she really is a genius. Well, let me finish my point. Okay. Because I said, hasn't she always been fat? And he said, no, you don't know. His eyes got wide.

He said she was being beautiful. He was terrified. Yeah, he was saying. I'm with him. But I looked her up. She's finally as fat as she was always supposed to be. Oh, so she's doing well. It's weird.

You look at her now and she makes sense. She was in, you know, like, you know, you, like this, what we got that gay in between yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're doing it together. We're growing our hair together. Oh, that's sweet. I'm sorry.

Once you got it down to here, it's cool. But the fucking like rider strong kind of boy means world. She had the woman's body version of the rider strong hair where her hips are too big for her body. It's just, her body was like, where do we put all this stuff? And it's like, you know, you got it's shit here. Now it's organized. I like, she looked like a snowman.

I thought she was hot. You move into an apartment and you get like, you have like art in one room, but no chairs. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's kind of her body. She furnished her body. Right. She had like, you know, she had one huge tit covered in tattoos.

Right. That was my memory of her. I guess. Scripts. Yeah. In 2014 is all of Robert De Niro's tattoos from Cape Fear on her tit. I'm like a two year old. Counselor.

Does she still do anything? Does she do any kind of? They let her direct something. In Hollywood, I should have kept letting her work in my head. Yeah. Well, I'm saying she looks good now. If you, Lena, if you want to come on the show to discuss. We would love, no, not to discuss that, but to discuss.

So I want to publicly. What else is there to talk to her about? Yeah. So you're fat now. Yeah. So you had a rapid weight gain. There's other stuff. Tell us more about how bad you look.

I like that. So you're big as shit. Yeah. So you're huge. You're fucking big. Yeah. You put her on two chairs. Like that makes sense.

Yeah. Just a wheelchair. Yeah. Just stack chairs. Just put wheels on this. Yeah. Fucking penny farthing. Fucking giant wheels.

Strapper in. Like she's a wild animal. She always. Just have a garden hose. I'm just keeping her wet the whole time. Yeah. Do you want a fish? Do you want a fish out of a bucket?

Should we give you a fish? Yeah. We have a contractor show up and he's like, yeah, I'm here to remove the wolf when she leaves. Yeah. The fire department will be bringing her down. Yeah. Yeah.

We got. We got. Isn't it crazy that that's what you become a firefighter? You think you're just like, you think the life's going to be just like in the, in the house, benching, fucking just steamy showers with the guys. You know, there's a fire comes in, you go and fucking do your backdrafting back to the house. Steamy showers with the guys.

Yeah. Bench pressing. Yeah. But it's all just lifting fat people. Yeah. That's it. That's what being a fire depends on where you are. You call it the fat department and then yeah, the fat department also handles fire.

Oh yeah. We also do fire. Yeah. Yeah. The fat department. Yeah. Yeah. It depends on, I don't, I feel like I don't see that.

You got, you got big bitches down in North Carolina. That's what I'm saying. It's like, oh yeah. Let me make this point. How big the bitches. Real quick. Yeah, go ahead. You know, everybody says all the sacrifice the 9-11 firefighters made.

Yeah. I can only imagine, I'm a firefighter and there's, I get to die instead of picking up fat people. Yeah. I would be ecstatic to go in the tower. Right. Yeah. Thank God.

You finally get to do. This is a vacation. If you died helping a fat person out of a building, you're not a hero. Yeah. Yeah. If you get crushed by Alina Dunham, that's bad. Can you imagine too? No, it's just funny.

The 9-11 firefighters, they make their way up the stairs. They get to the 99th floor and then that's the, that's just all just like, can you help me? Yeah. Just 500 pound people up there. Oh God. And that's why they died. Them again.

It wasn't that the stairs were blocked. That's where they kept Alina Dunham's production office. Come on. I want her for the show. She will come on the show. I want her for the show. She will be on the show. I just want to publicly tell her that maybe we said inappropriate, maybe even earlier

on the show, but I was going to say maybe back in the day, I might have said inappropriate things because they said that she was a voice of a generation that I count on. Thank God they got that freedom tower up before all this woke stuff started. Yeah. Thank God. That's a good point. If it had come out in 2018, oh my God, instead of, you know, before the disease and wokeness luckily it got right under the bed.

The woke mind virus. Yeah. It is pretty horrible, man. Now we like, I like Alina Dunham, man. And I do think she's beautiful. Yeah. I like those big ass kind of girls, man. Really?

Your girlfriend is pretty attractive. Why would say anything when she's married, so I'm not going to disrespect her husband by commenting on her body in a sexual way. I'll just say she just looks fat as shit. That's, you sound like she married too. You were married to her? Yeah. Yeah.

Really? No. No, I wish. That's how he hurt his neck. Going down on his 500-pound wife's face. He's very broke his neck. No, I like, I like big, beautiful women. My wife is skinny, but maybe I'll fatten her up.

She's like, it's like fucking a fucking bicycle now, but if I can do it. You're a feeder. Yeah. Maybe I'll feed. Yeah. We did an episode recently where we went into the whole feeder thing. It's pretty, it's a pretty massive fetish. Episode of what?

Episode of what? Podcast about the list. It's a massive fetish. It's a massive fetish, dude. They're like, wow. No pun intended. Yeah. Yeah.

They have, they have two forums. One is, they have a separate one for straights. They captain the pitchers and the cashers? No. No. They have a straights forum and a gay forum. Oh. It's all feeding.

Like Facebook. Yeah. Yeah. Where there's guys who are like, we found guys doing like line break weird Twitter jokes on the feeder. Yeah. I could totally be one of those guys. A feeder?

Absolutely. Or a feedee. No, a feeder. You would feed people. I'm an enabler for sure. Oh yeah. Yeah. I also don't know how to keep somebody happy.

Uh huh. So like if I'm dating somebody, if I, you know, like I find out they like Teddy Grahams. It's a. Guess who's just showing them the Teddy Grahams every day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There was like, there was guys who like the feed, the feedee thing I understand

because I. Do they have like a slang for the feeder and feedee? It's feeder and feedee. They don't have like in the community, they don't have a slang. Not that I could tell. Like the feedee is like the whole or something or. No, that'd be better. Yeah.

I guess I understand the feedee thing because like eating is like who doesn't like eating and kind of losing that instinct to like keep yourself from eating would be nice. But the feeder thing of like there was a guy who was like sending 50 bucks to random people with the caveat that they had to spend it on fast food. They like Romeo feed. Yeah. Yeah. They like buy food for their feedees.

It's kind of amazing. It's a cute name. Feedee. Yeah. What are the names of the forums? Grommer and Phoebe. Grommer. Grommer's the gay one, Phoebe's the straight one.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So Grommer's like Grinder, but there's. Yeah. It's G-R-O-M-M-R. Grommer. And then there's the people who want to eat other people, which is kind of interesting. Vore.

That seems like a completely different thing. They lump them into the same. They lump them into the same. Oh, is the food sex community? It's all just one forum and there's guys who are like, Chicago's cold tonight. I wish I was eating somebody. Is there, are the sushi on the naked chick guys in there too? Or they're like.

No, but that is so hot, man. What do you mean? The naked sushi women. That is so fun. That gets you going. That was probably, yeah. That was like an early TV boner for me, I think. Really?

I was watching that on Ripley's Believe It or Not or some shit. Yeah. Did you believe it or did you not believe it? I didn't believe it for a while. They never really give you the options and not believe it. There's nothing on that show that's like. Not that crazy. Yeah, right.

No, they have like right before the commercial, like a quick tell us if it's believe or not believe. Okay. I've actually never watched a show. Mario Lopez, right? I just knew a guy that was on it. Who? I don't know where.

The Lizard Man. You know The Lizard Man? I do, yeah. Yeah. Really? From Austin. He used to deliver it in pizzas. Yeah, I used to tell him.

I delivered him pizza one time. I knew him because he would do comedy. And what was funny about him, and I've told this story before, what was funny about him is he wasn't like bad. I mean, you know, if her guy had just started doing open mics, he knew how to write jokes and stuff. Yeah. But like, you know, like somebody should just pull them aside and be like.

What's the camera for me? I don't like to vape on the screen. Continue. What's going on? What's the camera on me? Because he knows it. And you haven't apologized yet to the audience. Continue, Nick.

Yeah. No, he wasn't like that. He was like, you know, he could write jokes. He was funny. But like, you know, you have to tell that guy. He just did lizard material. You're already a lizard man. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like you can't be, you can't be fucking Dave Couillet and all sort of lizard guy. It's kind of a nice icebreaker though. There's stuff like, you know, I get a little bit jealous of comics who are little people or have like some awful disability or something. It gets me so pissed. Cause it's like, dude, I mean, I have bald, but when I was doing, when I had the neck brace on, it was so, it was so easy.

I mean, it looked so funny. It was so easy. There was a guy in San Antonio. There was a burn victim. He was like a golf war veteran. That's scary. He looked like a ghoul from Fallout. He was like Snape.

Yeah. And somebody told me a story about watching him. They're not Snape. Voldemort. And like, that's got to be the toughest comedy show to watch. Yeah. He just, with his face is melted off and he's like, boy, I'm really on fire up here. And then just getting nothing.

It's really mean not to laugh after everything he went through. I'm pretty impressed that he had facial burns. But then you don't want to be the one guy like Max Cady of the burn victim comedy show. Like you're a fucking psycho. How bad was it? Did he have like no nose? Yeah. No eyelids.

Yeah. It was really scary. It's crazy how people all burn the same way. They all look like that. Yeah. Like a red skull. Like humans are a recipe and that there's this one final step in the process. They just didn't put us in the oven.

Yeah. Well done. Yeah. Which is sort of how Nazis think if you think about it. Back on that. Okay. Maybe they weren't even anti-Semitic. Yeah, we're back on that.

Maybe they were just starting to create the ubermensch. They're like, oh, it's just pre-heat. Sorry. Go ahead. No thoughts on this? This whole thing? Yeah. It's the most well researched period in history.

It's pretty much case closed. I would say maybe Bible. What did I say that's, I'm not denying the Holocaust. No, you're trying to build the alternate history. Maybe the Nazis were accidentally did it and they were just trying to work out and get up. Isn't that nicer? Isn't that kind of better to believe?

Yeah. No. You have to know that human beings can. That's better. You believe that if it was all an accident, you kind of, it's kind of a more optimistic. No, no, no. You have to believe that human beings have that in there. The one defense of the Third Reich, I guess, with the Holocaust is that if you look at

some of the other stuff they were doing, like, do you know what like Der Glauke is? It's this giant bell that was supposed to summon demons or something. That they were working on that. And they, I think they were trying to find Santa. They were like, they were involved in it. Oh, like Glockenspiel. So it's like, if you're trying all of this crazy shit and one guy's like, what if we burned all of the Jewish people?

That doesn't sound so crazy when you consider the context of making a bell to summon. I guess what you're saying is that's a defense because it's less crazy than making a giant bell. They're throwing spaghetti on the wall. They're trying to find their thing. They're like, let's find our thing. Remember when you got an earring? It's the same.

Yeah, it's kind of, yeah. It's literally the same. Maybe it's the Holocaust. You got to fit in, cap it, and ear it. Maybe they find a genie or something. They're really just interested. They have a broad. They have a broad.

Maybe we, maybe we fight Indiana Jones in a tomb, which that's, that was a, Indiana Jones is also the bad guy in those movies because he just wants to bring everything to what? He's doing it for America. What, for money? The British Museum? Yeah, for capitalism? No, he's doing it for America.

No, he's doing it for our country. He's doing it for our country. If you can have what, go ahead. He's doing it for our country. The greatest country on earth, dude. Isn't he doing it for the British? Yeah, no, he wants to put it in. His dad's British.

Yeah. Yeah, but he's like, he hates America. Yeah, he's a British. Yeah, but he's a professor at Indiana, probably university. No, he's a professor at the British Museum of Art. His name is Indiana. He's doing it for them. I'm pretty sure, because his dad's British.

He's a fucking Benedict Arnold, you're telling me? His dad's like, girl, find me stuff to bring back to the museum. Maybe I should push it at that time. Bring a little Asian boy with you to go find the Neches. What a talent. Yeah. I've tried to get into those movies so many times. There's a new one coming out.

Did you see Young Indiana Jones? You mean the Crystal? No, the Young one. Crystal Castles. No, Crystal Castles was the Tumblr music, which is not, which, you know that she was abused? No, I would imagine. Oh my God.

Really? I just, I found that out recently. I was listening to music. Dude, that was good talk show cadence. You know she was abused. Did you know that she was completely abused? She was kept as a slave. I didn't know that Crystal Castles was abused.

Everybody's better at this. I might not be true. It sounded great. Literally, everybody comes over. He's a great guy. Look at his casual here. I feel like my outfit is pretty much sitting on. Yeah, I'm pretty sure people can hear me breathing right now.

It's like labored. Do you wear this outfit every episode? It's just to clip the lab mic on and I spilled Chinese food all over my shirt. I did see that. I didn't want to call. I didn't know if you were doing it on purpose. No, this is the only way I can clip the lab on. Oh, okay.

I like the look though. Yeah, it's all right. Yeah. Also, I'm trying to get fatter and I kind of want it to be like a surprise. I don't want to take the Lena Dunham route of like failing to get fat for a decade. Yeah. If you get an apology video, you get 10 pounds fatter. Yeah.

That's how she did it. Yeah, yeah. She's one of those girls that makes up new disorders she has. It's always two last names. She has like fucking like a... Bocchi Hoppenstein. Yeah, yeah. Something like...

Yeah, Japanese Jewish usually. Yeah. That's what it is. That's a really bad word. That's a really bad word. That is fatal every single time. If you have Finkelstein, Ho Chi Mordeaux. Nakamoto Shorts.

That's terminal almost every single time. Yeah, I got a Sony PlayStation disease. We've been... It's a car company. I told you what a Volkswagen is. I've recently been diagnosed with Sony Ericsson. I have Bosch and Lomb. Yeah, I got a Kia Sorento.

Yeah. What were we talking about then? I don't know. An old man told me that I was a fucking asshole during my set on Saturday night. He was getting... When you go out on the road, do people scream at you and do you walk people pretty often? No, I think... I walked an old man and his wife.

I'm like... I mean, I did club comedy much longer than... They got tough doing club comedy young. Well, it's not that I got tough. You're tough. No, no. I don't want to say... You're tough. I spent so much time as a feature that it was like, I'm trying to just be like, oh,

hey, guys. I still have that in me, which doesn't come natural to me, but I want everybody to have a good time. You're not trying to beat it up? No. I don't get into it with people. In Charlotte, there was a fucking Asian lady that got really upset. The only people that...

I felt like Tara. I want to cry. It's never like... That's how he was, too. Yeah, because you want people to have a nice night. Well, first of all, she's fucking drunk. You don't want to be Steve Hoffner. She's snapping at me the entire time, and the club's not doing anything about it.

Then she starts almost tearing down the fucking curtains, and I'm like, what's going on? Are you all right? Yeah, the club has to deal with that. I'm like, you, fuck, you say, fuck, fuck, you. She's just trash, and I'm like, well, now everybody's paying attention to this lady. That's got to be fucking humiliating, and it's like, yeah, I mean, I hate that. It ruins the night, and then you feel bad the next day. Yeah, you want to entertain people.

Yeah, I was like, it's great to be here in Provincetown. People told me this is like gay Boston, and then there's like an old couple in the front row that's like, I hope these two gay fellas enjoy the show or something, and then he's like, you're a fucking asshole. And then his wife was like, please don't stop. Please stop. And then I was like, and then I offered her money, tried to give her 20 bucks, and she was like, no, please, no.

And then he's like, I'll take your fucking $20, and then he like storms out, and then he looked cool. He was like a West Coast chopper style. Yeah, yeah. He had handlebar. The Paul tunnel. Yeah, gray handlebar, flannel. He looked really good.

Aren't they in New York? I never understood why that shows. West Coast choppers? Yeah, what does she know? The Orange County choppers was the Orange County of New York. That's not what they were. That's what always confused me. When I was a kid, I was like, what the hell is going on?

Yeah, yeah. What is, what the hell is this? They're not from Newport Beach. What the hell is this? I would say that every time. What the fuck? At the TV? Yeah.

What the hell is this? Yeah. What is it? I miss those old, was that on MTV? I have no idea. No, that was on like A&E. Yeah, my favorite of those was Monster Garage. That was the best show.

Which one was that? Jesse James. And the show would start off and they'd be like, Jesse James is the descendant of Jesse James Outlaw. That can't be true. Well, he says it. But I mean, it's also true. It doesn't matter.

Yeah. He's already, he's good at something. We can just see that. We don't need to know that he's related to this album. He was a bike mate. He made bikes too, right? Well, they did like, yeah. They did like custom cars and stuff.

There was a challenge on each show where they'd be like, all right, you got to take a fucking limousine and turn it into a fire truck and it's going to look like a limousine still. That's fun. Yeah. It's like, remember Junkyard Wars? Oh. Remember that? They'd get a family and they'd put them in a junkyard and they'd say make a boat and

find dinner. Yeah. Well, no, not even find dinner. That would be a better show. But the war was always about building something. Oh, like Battlebots? Yeah. It was like Battlebots, but you had to use like old, an old fridge and a Nintendo and

stuff and they'd just make the worst shit ever. Yeah. Battlebots is still going. Is it? My grandpa watches Battlebots pretty much every, every episode. Like your Italian grandpa? No, the other one. I said it on the show before, but my idea for Battlebot was always, you make a Battlebot

that has like an iPad on an arm and then like it also has like a cellular service. And so as soon as the battle starts, it's also very fast. It goes past the other robot up to the guy controlling the enemy robot and it goes up in his face and there's child pornography on it and then it calls the police and it's like this man is looking at pornography. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know if that would be a TKO, but it would be funny. I think it would. I can't keep, I can't go on, I can't go on. Is your family going to come to our shows? It's called Tattlebots. How about that? Oh, okay. Tattlebots.

Both of them are doing it? Well, no, that one is called the Tattlebots. Oh, okay. You said it's called like the show. It's called Tattlebots. I was rewriting the joke. Oh, right. Yeah.

Because that would be a, I mean, that's a stalemate every time, unless you can somehow find something worse in child porn, I guess. Well, the strategy would be to try and disable the iPad before it could get to you. You get one surprise with that. You have to cut the HDMI. But then it would be this kind of, you have to use your orbital fucking robot. Well, that would be just, then it would turn just into battle bots, but everybody would be doing it blindfolded.

Like guys who can solve room issues. I don't know why someone didn't want to just make one with a gun on top. They kind of do. Oh, do they? I mean, they'd have like, they have one, I know one that has like. It misses and it hits a guy with a controller. I think it's bulletproof glass around the hole. Is it?

Wow. So you can use guns. They get pretty, I love the ones where they get the main bot and then they have like a little one next to it for some reason that just does nothing. This immediately dies. That's pretty cool. That's sweet too. Yeah.

It would just be an RC car. Yeah. There's people that went to school to get an engineering degree because of that show. Every single person that they show, it's like Derek from MIT. Yeah. Right. He's like, well, somebody already made Facebook. So I'm doing that.

I'm making a battle bot. It's really impressive stuff, but it would be a better show if they didn't figure out like two years in that the best bot just flips the other one over. Anytime they try to do anything cool with a hammer, flamethrower, it sucks. It just has a ramp. It's just a ramp. And as soon as it hits the edge of the other bot, it flips it. You know what I was thinking about?

I learned this recently. Those are the good pictures of Japanese people's shadows got burned into sidewalks during Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I've seen this. Like apparently, because you learn that the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings were this like horrific act. Mm-hmm. Right?

So they say. Apparently, the fucking blast from a nuclear bomb, the like radio, the because you're doing one of those Dresden was worse things. No, I'm not doing Dresden was worse. Yeah. It's that's also bad. I mean, whatever. But Dresden sounds awful.

Dying in a nuclear bomb is probably the best way to die, really, because the fucking apparently the blast of whatever the magnets or whatever the first part is, because there's the light. I think it's the magnets and then the light or something. That it goes. It works. It goes. The wave is faster than your nerves. So you literally don't.

You just stank. You just stop existing. You don't even have time to blink. True. Oh, that's why I was the end of Sopranos. For your brain to like send the signal to your eyelids is the blink. You're already fucking evaporated. Yeah, that's a I kind of forget that there's some kind of lag built into the human body.

Well, if we could keep the death penalty, but somehow use a bomb, like a nuclear bomb, a mini new Chris Nolan, yeah, that would be that would be the way to continue executing people. I guess. It's amazing. You know, I anytime I look at the any time I've seen pictures of the people imprinted on the walls was amazing how thin they are amazingly thin people. Well, I think it's because the light wraps around them a bit.

Oh, that makes sense. In fact, to even leave a shadow, you probably had to be Lena Dunham sized. So it was all the baddest people in Japan. We love her. We love her. Kind of Gary Larson style. We love her. We were drawn.

We joke because we love, you know, anyway, what were we saying? We were just they're skinny in Japan. They probably didn't have a lot of food because there was war time also looked like a beautiful place. Yeah. Hiroshima. It's in the south. Yeah.

It's in the dirty, dirty. Yeah. I just got diagnosed with Nagasaki Dunham disease. Have you seen her dad's art? No. Her dad. Is it all over the walls in Tony Podesta's house? Have you ever seen her dad's art?

What is it? You would love it. It's literally he draws like he draws like aboriginal people like doing goat's feet. They're dicks and balls. That's her dad? Yeah. And they're plushies and they're giant boobs. It's very, very funny.

And that's like her all of her dad's art is like like a lady in some in a village with like her asshole is like puckered like like this. It's really incredible stuff. Does her mom actually do the tiny furniture photography or was that just in the movie? I never saw a tiny furniture. I didn't like it. Really? No.

That was her big break. That was her big break. And it was all about how it sucks for a rich girl to have to be a waitress after you graduate college. I mean, that does suck. I thought it was about how every piece of regular furniture fell to her. Yeah, we love her. We love her.

We love her. It's a seven million pound. You make fun of the ones you love, you know. That's really it. Anyway, maybe she wouldn't be so big of her and so Lena, she would stand up straighter. Okay. Yeah, yeah. She's kind of doing that.

Yeah. Lena on what? Slouch so much. I feel bad for the pole. Lena on. She's great. She'll knock it over. She's great.

Yeah, this is probably the Lena Tower of Pizza. Well, that's how I got that one. Yeah. Yeah. She pulls up one down. She said, oh, I got to take a breather for a second. She walked four feet from a hot dog stand, an Italian hot dog stand, and she leaned on the pizza tower.

Yeah. Oh, I go to Italy so badly. Oh, yeah. That's the, you're Italian. You're half Italian. You're 17 or 20% Italian, yeah. I thought Peter DeVito. Can you be 20% or something?

Yeah, if it's like enough. I just did 23 in May and it was heartbreaking. I found out, I never knew that I was Irish, found out I was 60% Irish. See that's why I don't trust this website because it doesn't make any sense to me. How the fuck can you be 60% of something? Well, because you're thinking of it as like people are, there's plenty of people in Europe who are 2% Italian, just somewhere down the line, it got split enough times. Can they be two?

There has to be a divisible by, it can only be, you can be 50%, 25%, 12.5%, fucking, because you have two parents on either side. Yeah, but people from like, you know, back in the day, you have all. So how the fuck can you be 60%, it doesn't make any sense. Yeah. You never add up to 60%. Well, because somebody is a little bit, I just understand it as like, well, like I have a little bit of Irish on one side and a little bit on the other side.

Yeah, but do the math. Nah. But how do you, how do you, at some point, at some point. It's all fucked up. I'm not going to check them. You go far enough back, you have to be, it has to be somebody with three parents to end up with a number right at 60%. What are you, what are you, Irish, Nick?

Well, my point is this, is that he's American. At some point, I don't think gender existed. This is amazing. Yeah. Let's go. And I think that, that's the only way, if you look at the DNA, you can end up with 60%. We must have had a thing where two guys, or it's a guy with a pussy or something. And then, yeah, there's multiple types of, you know, so even our idea of sex is probably

a recent invention. Some might say even as late as the Reagan administration. That's when they admitted sex. The way that we have it now. Yeah. Modern sex. Yeah. Yeah.

Because you think about, think about Wayne Newton. What the fuck is that? Yeah. That's K.D. Lang, but a lounge version of K.D. Lang. Right. Yeah.

Which is, what the fuck is a K.D. Lang? I don't know. I don't know who either of those people, who's K.D. Lang. How old are you? 25. When we were kids, we were listening to K.D.

Lang. K.D. Lang was like the biggest thing when we were kids. Really? Wayne Newton. That was like fucking, that was like Jonas Brothers, right? I like Yoji. Me too.

Me too, Dave. No, I actually never heard of a Yoji song. Dave, the apology. We also, we don't use the words me too in this office, Dave. Yeah, Dave. Stop throwing around accusations. We don't say me too in this business. That would, yeah, those are always, this is a small enough operation that a me too would

be really disastrous. A me too in a three person thing, that's not good. What about a three too? Well, that's what I'm saying. That was all relationships. Yeah. Out of the 1980s. True.

That's when we got new people. Yeah. It's three different gender fluid people raping each other. Dude, Dave, his first day working here, he started cleaning up and he like, he took off all his clothes and was wearing a bronze panties under his men's clothes. He was wearing like that. And he's like, that's what, he's like, I, he's like, that's what I thought you guys like.

And I'm like, Dave, it's not that kind of job. You're always talking about some of your, my friend sent me a picture of his penis. That's what you say. That's what friends do. That's not. Do you, do you do that too? No. What is that?

Nick got mad at me when I did in the group chat with him. And then the other guy started. Why do you, why do you do that? I don't know. It's weird. It started during COVID. It started during COVID. My friend Brian started it.

The bit is that it's gay to send your dick to a girl. I thought, I thought him and his girlfriend were trying to do like a Polly thing. Yeah. He thought I was Polly. He thought I was, he thought I was doing a weird. No, but I sent it to a group chat. I was worried about boys. That's what that.

The bit is that it's gay to send it to a girl, but it's cool if you send it to your boys. I felt like it was grooming. You never said it hard. Then it's gay again. And I was worried about my friend for political reasons. I wasn't grooming him into being Polly. We also would happen to Virgil Texas.

You know, we actually didn't really see what happened. Yeah, we didn't. I guess we didn't know. We just quietly got fatter under that blazer until, until, until his body pushed his penis into a child. I don't want to worry about that. He just got, he got so fat his penis tip just touched the baby old. I'm actually growing my penis by getting me.

Excuse me. Fatter? Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I accidentally touched my penis tip to a preschooler. Oh, hey, I meant to tell you, I got so fat my penis tip touched a preschooler. Wow. Now friend of the show.

Friend of the show. Come on. Friend of the show. Come back anytime. Falling asleep in an opium den somewhere. God bless him, dude. Yeah. He's okay.

He's smoking one of them long pipes. Yeah, exactly. That's what you do when that happens to you, I think. Where you smoke a long opium pipe. You just go to opium den. Go to opium den. Go to opium den. What's Andrew Callahan doing now?

Because he didn't, he was like, all right, I'm out. He's back at it. I feel like he got, he got out, dude. That was like, that's why he's Robert DeNiro at the end of heat getting away. We love him. He got pulled out. We love him. Friend of the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good friend of the show. He probably, we'll probably find out that he got, he got a fucking $80 million deal from HBO. Yeah. And he was like, now watch the Joker's exit. I got the money. I'm out.

I'm going to pay 900 girls to say I begged them for pussy. Do you live in Ashtray, but you don't smoke in here? Ian Fyde answered. And Ariel Pink did. Do you know him? Do you know him? I don't think I don't mind. Ian, what the hell is Ian doing?

He's really into it. Smoking? Ian is, Ian might be the most annoying, and it just, it's somehow endearing. I don't know. It's so endearing. Dude, him catching shit for that video. I heard about that from him. That's the funniest thing ever.

And the video is so funny. The video is really great. He's got this principal skinner outfit on, but he's not like, he doesn't wear that on stage. He just had it on for some reason. He literally was probably out of funerals. And he's like, yeah. For someone that he does.

Like, suit on? Yeah, yeah. No, no, he does. He does. And he's like, you like communism? Ian does that. You ever read a history book? And then it's just like, wow.

Like, boop, boop. Does he crush? Is the audience loving it? I don't know. I mean, but it's like, I can only watch it knowing Ian, and I'm like, this is so funny. Dude, Ian MCs the talent show for his narcotics anonymous, and he says that he just like, brings guys with like broken backs from heroin on stage, and it's Ian doing his act. But then he'll say stuff like that, and then it'll be like, and it's like really good for

them, man. Yeah. It's like real life. If you practice gratitude, man. It's like really good for them. It's great for them. And it's amazing seeing the change in them after they get their backs broken and open like night at the fucking NA meeting.

That's amazing, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty jealous of people who do AA and stuff. It seems fun. It's good for a youth group, show business, show business networking. Yeah. In LA, it's all people.

You meet a lot of people. Networking for the media. I've gone to meetings here and there with other people. And I don't understand how the people don't run out of stories, because every time I've been to one, like I've never been, I'm always assuming these people meet every week. And then a guy that you must have seen a billion times is like, yeah, so I've fucking, I got fucked up and I stuck my dick on my son's face. Yeah.

Yeah. And that's when, you know. There have to be a lot of lies. That was my rock bottom. But it's like, does he get up every week and be like, hey, it's Eric. So I fucked my son. And you guys know about that, but I'll tell it again. He's doing a big, sagging kind of wheel of time like he has every time.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Every time it's always like that. You know, is it different stories? And they always say great share. I loved your share, man. Yeah.

I guess at some point you are just like, I mean, it's the same thing with you. He's doing a podcast. You just do the same stories over and over again. Yeah. You've got to relapse to write a new hour. You have to live a life worth commenting on. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you see Marin's new special? I watched a couple of minutes of it in the hotel. Wait, is this the one where he takes down Rogan? I guess so. I think I saw a clip where he's like, he's telling some joke and then the tag at the end is like, yeah, and then the guy goes on Joe Rogan. There was one about people. I watched in the hotel.

Shane said it's very good. He said it's good. Yeah. Yeah. I used to like it. He's been doing Santa forever. I made a mistake when I was like 15 and I bought the Doug Stanhope on Mark Marin and now anytime I plug my phone into a car, it just starts playing.

You bought it? Yeah. I bought it on iTunes. It was like $199. Isn't it free? No. This is when, before he had like a subscription thing. I have a thing where it's like any audio file you download to your computer, it'll

just open in iTunes for some reason. So I would do that, I would plug my shit in, but then it would be like fart noise, like sound effects that I had to get for other stuff. That's better than like, you know, I'll pick up my mom from the airport or something and I will start driving away and it's also, what the fuck, that shit just starts. It's pretty embarrassing. Yeah. Maybe I'll watch them.

I haven't watched a standout special, probably since Allie Wong's special in 2000. The pregnant mom one? The pregnant one? I think so. Yeah. It's called I Don't Want to Be White. She loves that special. Allie Wong?

Yeah. I remember her thinking it was funny. Well, you'll love this. My mom said that's her spirit animal. I'll say that. Oh man, that is weird. Animal. That's great.

Yeah. She's like, Allie Wong is my spirit animal. Can your mom come to our shows in North Carolina? I think she's far, right? She's on the coast. Yeah. She's in Wilmington. Speaking of, I'll be in Omaha next weekend.

Damn. I hope I die soon. I really don't want to be touring anymore. Yeah, why they send us to these kind of places? You've only gone to nice cities. No, but I got to go to Salt Lake and stuff. Yeah. They'll book you and then they run out of nice cities.

And then you have to go to Fort Wayne. Because you can only do nice cities once a year. Well, I was booking myself last year and I booked all the healing inside a couple in there. I mean, I did Buffalo in Indianapolis. Buffalo is bad, you said. The clubs are like 350 or something capacity. Even that many people live in this town.

Yeah, for sure. And then, yeah, Indy was hard. I was like, can we just bring the home? Can you just let the homeless people live in here? And I'm sure whoever's there next week. Caleb was telling me during the movie past days in Boston, it was just homeless people are getting movie passed and just every movie theater was just filled with them. There's a theater in Boston, the AMC, Lowe's, Boston Common.

That is all like half of the audience every day is homeless people. But it's also like they just kind of sit there with their bags. That's what now I can't like movie theaters freak me out just from going to movies there because I thought every single time they were going to do a mass shooting at the fucking Predator. Because of Joker. Yeah, dude. Do you remember the media drama about Joker before that came out?

They were like guaranteeing it. Like you could put like a prop bet on it. Yeah, right. Dude, they're going to kill, somebody's going to do it. Can you imagine being that stupid and then you just keep your job? Yeah. You continue getting to like have opinions. They were trying to do that James Bond where they predict the news.

Everyone was like, everyone's like someone will get killed tomorrow at Joker. It's like, do you not understand how schizophrenia works? Yeah. It's not like, you know, I'm like, I got to go kill a bunch of people in the Joker movie. Yeah, no. There's a fucking Joy Ann Reed said so. A movie shooting I forgot about until the other day was the train wreck. Yeah.

Completely. That was like the last one. Wait, someone shot up Amy Schumer. Someone killed like six people or something. And like literally five minutes after the story broke, Kerr Mesker was telling me his fucking like representation was like, do not say anything. Don't post anything. Don't say anything.

Never. Stop. Yeah, that one. I don't even. Okay, here we go. That one I don't even, I don't even know like who the shooter was. I feel like that was never covered. It was just, that one was almost like it was funny.

Probably somebody who got the fucking vaccines who was probably an early version before they released the virus. It's probably another female comic. We're debating whether we want this to be. Kathleen Madigan. Yeah. An anti-vax show or not. If this is an anti-vax show.

Yeah. I don't know. But I got it, Nick. What? The vaccine. And they've been anti-vax the whole time. I'm ready to start talking about COVID again. What?

I'm ready to start talking about COVID again. I feel like it was kind of boring for a while. Yeah. No, it's kind of funny again to me. I guess we're going to go to war with China now. Yeah, we kind of have to. Yeah. I think it's like good luck doing that because first of all, what, how, how many of regular

Americans even know what a Chinese person is? Yeah. Yeah. Your, your mom thinks they're animals. Not even real animals. Yeah. Fictional animals. Spirit animals.

Yeah. Yeah. You got to take a lady like her mom and then what, she was supposed to watch Tucker Carlson. He's like, we got to go to war with China. And she's like, we got to kill Amy Wong? Alley Wong? What's your name? Alley Wong.

Yeah. Yeah. I haven't watched the stand-up special in a while. The last one I watched was with that Chappelle one with you and Stav in the, in the cabin. And it was bad. Yeah. We watched 10 minutes of that. Yeah.

Who's the fucking guy from the Jerry Seinfeld documentary, the comedian? Michael Richard. Kramer. No, guys. The, the documentary comedian. Jason Alexander. No. What's his name?

Orney Adams. Orney Adams. He, he put out a YouTube special and it was so, I, I, people didn't, I guess don't remember that documentary that he was like, he got, he got, he got framed, I guess, by the documentary. That's what they say. Cause I guess he like, the reason that they didn't. What is the documentary? You never seen Comedian with Orney Adams?

No, I never saw it. Seinfeld was like getting back into stand-up after the show and met this guy, Orney Adams, who was this like delusional like middle act who would work like comedy clubs in New York and do like 10 shows every single night. And was so, it was supposed to be about a documentary about him getting back into stand-up, but it ended up just being about this guy, Orney Adams. That's what you're giving me. What's this?

Oh, Dave, I told Dave not to put it when I'm, sounds like we got our own Ornery Adams here. Dave, what about, Dave, you got a microphone, XLR, so you can say sorry about Brace's uh, yeah, Brace's audio was fucked up. I guess all the audio was fucked up. Yeah, it was, it's really not Dave's fault. It's funny how much, this feels so, so relaxed in here. So nice in here.

It's really hot in here right now. It's really cultivated a nice kind of, I don't know how we're going to do it this summer. So that's it, we wanted the Dick Cavett show, we got the Dick Cavett show. It is really laid back. If you go back and watch Dick Cavett, I don't mean, a lot of people say they like Dick Cavett and then they'll, they'll cite like the greatest hits on YouTube. The three YouTubes, yeah. Go ahead and put on the Decades channel and watch a regular episode of Dick Cavett.

Dog shit. With fuckin' Marry Clooney and like some guy who's like, has glasses so thick he can see into the past. Yeah. And then watch that and tell me it's any different than this. No, I'd never, I think that you guys are the first one I've ever heard about Dick Cavett. That name, I thought it was like. Dude, when we were kids.

Plinko ball guy or something. It was Dick Cavett and Katie Lang. Katie Lang and Dick Cavett. Really? It was the number one and two. It was like Jake Paul and KSI. And every Thursday, Katie Lang would go on Dick Cavett and show her janetalia. She recode.

Dude, she's, she was like the hottest girl when we were kids. Katie Lang. You want to see a pic? I'll show you a pic. Let me use your vape. Shut up, bro. Katie Lang is the reason men stopped wearing suits. Did you know that?

Really? Yeah. She is, she is. Is she fine? She's fire, dude. Check her out. All right. You got me.

You guys got me. All right. Yeah. Once again, the old men win the reference wars. You guys got me. Damn. Yeah. She just broke up with her longtime partner.

It looks like. Oh. Great. Back on the market. Yeah. A hot chick. Jamie Price. Splitting after.

Sounds like the price wasn't right. Yeah. Yeah. Move back on the Adam Freeland show. And we're back. Kelly Price. Probably maybe related. Hmm.

Maybe not. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. What kind of name is that price? You got Kelly Price? Yeah. You got Vincent Price?

Yeah. You got Katie Price. Hmm. You got Price Check? Yeah. Price Check Alpha. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That was kind of like this is a Wendy's. Sir, this is a Wendy's? Yeah. I never actually heard anybody say that. No. There's all this Twitter.

I'm bringing it back. There's all this Twitter humor that's just, it's just like media people trying to do drill. Yeah. Yeah. And none of it is funny. Yeah. And then it's all just these people saying the same dumb shit back to each other. Yeah.

That if you said it out loud, you'd be like, oh, I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. I'm in LA and he is not Jack Nicholson. I thought the whole time, yeah, I thought the whole time was Jack Nicholson. No, he's just a normal guy. He thought that he was maybe a fast Jack Nicholson. I thought he was a Jack Nicholson. In a car.

Yeah. Well and away in a convertible. That was going to be him. Yeah. I thought that was him. Yeah. Who were like the hot shakes when you were a kid, like Kaio? What is Kaio?

It's a furniture website. What is it? What is Kaio? I thought it was a kid's kit. Kaio? Yeah. Bob the Builder. No, I loved Diane Keaton.

I love her. Good. Yeah. Diane Keaton. She's fine. Dude, how good. Trying to think. We watched It's Complicated, which is I've talked about on the show, it's a fantastic

movie. We both like. Drills in it. Drills in it. Yeah. And we did this joke because every time she gets touched, no, it's not Diane Keaton. It's fucking. Diane Lane.

We're talking about. Or not Martha. Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep. Yeah, but every time she's like, she's like getting fucked for the first time in like a long time because she's a woman of a certain age and every time she gets touched, she's like.

But kind of her reaction is also anytime somebody's like, hey, do you want to get lunch? She goes like, just like that. Yeah, so we just the whole time we were watching the movie, we just, we were, the joke, the bit was that she was queefing. We were ADR-ing Fartson. Every time she gets touched, so she's like. Steve Martin. I can't believe.

That's what I love about comedy is that it doesn't matter how good anyone is at it or how much work you put into it. Yeah, yeah. You just take any video and add fart noise. That's the funniest thing ever. It's the hilarious. And if you do it for an hour, 45 minute room. My God, that's Jason Bourne.

Yeah, I mean, especially somebody who's kind of as, as put together as Meryl Streep. Yeah. We're such a legend, right? Yeah. And just imagining her. And now. Ripping pussy. The entire movie.

Yeah. Like they do that thing like where they don't show the sex, but they like flip back in bed and they're like. Oh, I love that. They're sweating. That's the best part of sex is laying back down. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. I run around the apartment like a cat. Yeah. I immediately start chewing on my ass. Oh, man. I got a piss. Oh, dude.

Too much coffee. Did you drink? Oh, it's the coffee. I'm full. I'm full of water. I'm waterlogged. You're back in the gym, dude. You're waterlogged.

I'm trying. I gotta, I gotta gain at least 10 pounds. How much do you weigh right now? It's bad. It's like 147. I think in the morning. Last morning. Yeah.

That's nice. I'm like, I lost so much weight during the pandemic and then just, uh, yeah, now I don't have an appetite. What are you, 240, 250? Come on. What? I don't know how much men weigh. 182 pounds.

Yeah. Yeah. This morning. I'm tracking every day. I'm like. Do you have a 130? Do you have like a smart scale? No.

No, just a regular scale. I'm not allowed to get anything like that in my house. Why? Because my fiance is like, uh, real into like Amish style, like everything. We have like a, like a corn broom and shit. So I can't even. Oh yeah. She works at a store that only sells that kind of stuff.

Yeah. So I have to like, if I get an electronic, it has to be like very small and hidden. So my scale is like this big and it doesn't work very well. I mean, it's basically the food scale that I sit on every day. That's insane. Yeah. Yeah. You know, my life is pretty nice, you know?

Yeah. She's an artisanal type of person. But she has an iPhone. Yes. She's on it all. She pays the bills. She's on it all day long. Can I say something sexist?

Shoot. You're saying to me that she sucks at cooking? Yeah. The rule should be she could be like that, but she has to be good at cooking. Oh yeah. No, she's terrible. Then she's not. Well, she's not allowed.

She's not allowed to fucking like corn bread all the time? No, she can't make. She's just, I've, she's never made it. Then she's not allowed to get eight years. You can't buy gadgets. It's, it's really sad when I'm going to say it. Say it. When a woman's bad at cooking.

That's too far for me. I hit my limit. That's too much. I hit my limit doing like doing the fucking. Thank you. You crossed the line. I've never said this to you. I dare you.

I'm going to walk off. Anytime I do the holocaust and the whole thing, it's like, it's like, all right, here we go again. Yeah, yeah. Playing like this. This is scary to happen. All right. Yes, I'll say it. This shit again.

Yeah, right. Yeah. You kind of, you should move into a little more. You could be more of an absurdist than you're the second half. Well, I always look for that. But 90% of the time it's like black people should be slaves. I got nothing. Sorry.

I don't know where, you know. Yeah. Because that's, it's fun when you figure out the little, the way out. Yeah. You know, the dig a hole, get out sort of thing. But I'm just, I'm a hole digger these days. Yeah. It's all you do.

You dig them holes. Grave digger. That's an amazing movie. I talk about it every episode. Shia LaBeouf played Grave Digger. The monster truck. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. But it was spelled differently. Holes made, that's the only movie I've ever seen that made me want to eat an onion. Pretty incredible. Doesn't the guy from Iron Chef Japan use an onion? I don't know. But I was watching that movie like mom, buy onions.

Incredible. Yeah. No, that is, this is the dick habit show. This is dick habit. Yeah. Just having, having David Bowie be like, yeah, it's the only time I've ever wanted to eat an onion. The dick habit being like, yeah, that's, really, that's interesting.

You think, is there any other vegetables maybe that you've, you've ever wanted to eat? No. Yeah. I want to tell our bookers to get us dick habit. Apparently he's around. You see what? Yeah. He's like 90s.

You guys need to have stand ups. You guys need to come out. No. There's an opening for that. Yeah. No. Well, that's what we do. Oh, a comic.

Yeah. No, I mean like cut to over there. Yeah. And you don't need an audience or anything. Just have. Have them just walk through. Yeah. But we booked the worst stand ups in the world.

Well, no. I have a lot of, we have a lot of ideas for the show. It's just, it's, it's, we don't have limitless resources. We have to come. Yeah. But that's not something that's expensive. Yeah. That's, that's a stand in front of that green screen.

Yeah. That's a comic. We'll do that for some methadone. Would you guys do house band? That's another thing where it's like, we got to pay them. Makes good at piano. And then they just have to sit there for the hour. Well, we should do an episode where you're house band.

We should do an episode where we're the house band and Ian finance hosts the show. Oh yeah. We should have a $50 tier, which is, you get jam sesh, which should be a $100 tier of show. You're banned from all the other content, but you get to watch Ian finance hosts the show and no one, it's just this homeless friend. He just gets, you don't let him use the book or he has to book his own guest. Yeah.

Yeah. He's like, so you found a rat in your ass. Tell him, tell him, tell all uncle, uncle Ian, and that'll be his thing for six months. It's kind of amazing. It's uncle Ian merchandise. Full time cane these days. Yeah. He has a cane now.

What? Yeah. Ian? Yeah. You're not the only injury comedian. He heard himself. Yeah. I think he's back.

Doing what? Go ahead. I don't know. I think he's just old. I think he got his back blown out. That's what I was looking for. Yeah. That's what I was looking for.

I know. By who? A guy. Okay. Yeah. I'm starting to get the hang of this whole thing. It's not bad. It's really nice.

It's really nice. The chairs are comfortable. This is so much better than when I did the podcast, dude. You guys should have been doing this the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we hated the podcast. You came on probably pretty late.

I think I did probably the worst episode you guys ever did. No, people liked it. No, people liked it. No, we had fun. No. You didn't have fun? People came up to me after our Providence shows and they were like, man, they should really have you guys on the podcast.

I was like, yeah, I did it. And they were like, dad, I don't even remember. Oh, that's fine. I was such an unforgettable shit guest, dude. That doesn't mean that it was bad. I mean, 90% of any podcast is bad unless you have one of those NPR podcasts where they write the thing. Yeah.

And it's all about today. We're learning about fucking turkey. With Ira. Yeah. Today, we're learning about turkey. No. It was in 1983. We recorded probably cumulatively 5,000 hours of content.

And you could boil that down to maybe 22 minutes. And people have. Yeah. But that on YouTube. Yeah. Yeah. But for the most part, I wouldn't say that. This is great, though, because people like to watch us.

They like to see our body language. They like to see what Adam is wearing, what his fits on. You have an amazing cock energy at the moment, I'd say. Yeah, I always get… People have said that about when I come back in. I get a little self-conscious about crossing my legs. Really? I have to open it up a little bit more.

Yeah, yeah. I have to mentally not do it. I got a big S. See, I try to cross. I mean, I try to make an effort to cross my legs, because somebody told me at one point it makes the hemispheres of your brain cross, and it makes it easier to think. And who told you that? I don't know.

Scientists? Some insane bitch at some point in my life. But I hear things like that. Because it's weird. I'm highly conspiratorial. True. If the government's like, you got to put on a seatbelt, I'm like, yeah. Why?

For Israel? Yeah. You know? But if anybody, like anybody just says something to me, I won't think about it for a second. They're like, you know, if you put your fingers in your ear for 20 minutes every day, it lowers your blood pressure, and then I'll just be at home like, oh, got to do my fingers. I got to get my fingers. I do the same thing.

I have… That's why I started… I wake up and I just look directly at the sun, because it supposedly wakes you up. Yeah. But it's definitely bad for your eyes. Oh, for sure. To look at the sun. That's why I was always taught.

Yeah, it's not even… I can do like five or six seconds looking directly at the sun. I do remember when Trump did it. I miss him. Yeah. He's coming back. I know. I can't wait.

There's no way DeSantis can… I mean, he's going to body him. Yeah. He's going to body him. I just don't think we're going to have a president. That's been my stance for years now. Really? We don't right now.

I think 2020 was the last election. That was it. Yeah. We're not going to have another one. We've been watching a lot of Tucker in the hotel. They're going to do like a princess on the dollar thing with Hillary Clinton. She's going to come down on like a floating platform. Yeah, but the body double will be a beautiful woman.

It'll be so obvious. Yeah. It'll be just like a fire ass bitch. Yeah. This is my slave, Turdu. Hello. I'm going to get the bitch from Jurassic World. You fucking Hillary.

She just gets her head blown off. Go on Howard's a daughter. Yeah. She's hot. What's what's all Hillary up to these days? I love this. I love this. Do you see this?

These fucking EPA scientists died in a plane crash, but they took off from the bill in Hillary Clinton Airport. It's got to be there's just got to be bad luck. It's got to be bad luck. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't make a very curse. That's like, there's no way that like fucking bill, they probably had no say in naming the airport.

Yeah. You know, they're just from Arkansas. But there's not going to be like, I've got an idea, we're going to fucking make an airport. So in 30 years when there's a train derailment in Ohio that we make happen to kill people who voted for Donald Trump, who's going to run for president, we can kill the scientists who go to investigate it at our airport and no one will connect it back to us. But then we got to put our name is like, I don't understand what the theory is. But the fact that, you know, people lose their minds, you know, I love, I love that.

No, they're like, it's what airport? It's the what? There's something about him that is just so he's like, truly everything in the world revolves around him a little bit, I think. Bill Clinton. Yeah. Oh yeah. He was the president.

He your mom loves him. My mom, I told him this the other day, my, my mom did a, she has like a, just a, in her card, just a picture of Alley Wong and Bill Clinton hanging in the rear view. She did a, like a graduate degree and her commencement speaker was Bill Clinton. And my mom was always like super, like growing up, she thought that like Obama used swine flu to put like Christians and FEMA camps, like that kind of like conspiracy right wing. And then she did the commencement in Bill Clinton, like says her name. She walks out the shake hands and she came home and I was like, what was it like being

Bill Clinton? She was like, I completely understand everything. She loves him. You look him in the eyes and your life is like before and after. There's a comment. Do you know who Nick Whitmer is? Did you go to Racine's wedding? No, I was visiting my mom.

Oh yeah. Well, he, he catered, he catered Racine's way. He's a comic. He's got Nick Whitmer, but his story is crazy. His dad was like, I guess they had like a regular life and then Clinton got elected and his dad was like, this guy's the Antichrist and he like moved, his dad moved them out to like the middle of fucking like Southwestern Virginia and then raised him on like a compound. He had like fucking each squirrel and like tiger forks and he was telling me about this.

Yeah. He's like, he's crazy. And then nothing happened. And then they just like went back to regular life and then Obama got elected and his dad was like, okay, so I, I know, but this time, I'm like trying to fucking, I'm like, I'm like trying to pull that, come on. Hey, tell me that I was fucking done. Yeah.

That's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. So Obama had, he definitely had my family in a bit of a crisis for a little bit there, man. Yeah. Yeah. He was definitely going to destroy the world.

Yeah. It was pretty bad. He's you might, we used to do. And your family, your whole family was black too. Yeah. It's the oddest thing. Yeah, we used to do like we used to my pastor used to like actively pray against Obama in church But like yeah, they're not allowed to say like actual people. Yeah, so he's like, so is that God's rule?

Yeah, and you yeah, so he's like jinxing so he would do prayers like leave the entire congregation prayer be like Certain people who are high up who are trying to destroy the world who are there may not be the anti-Christ were black Let's pray that some One of God's soldiers strikes them down like you pray for Obama Pretty sick. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, but like you know and you ask him off stage be like fucking kill him You know, I've been I've been getting back into it not really back into but the fucking What's funny to me is that? Do you remember Larry Sinclair? No, do you remember the Obama era like fucking like conspiracies acorn?

Acorn, you don't remember that acorn. Yeah, yeah, Chicago. Yeah, he had that was his first big thing Oh, is that about abortion? No. No, it was like a housing. It was like a hug thing Wasn't yeah, yeah, he got in trouble because he worked for a place that like built how or that like Used federal money to build houses or some shit. I don't think he got a good deal on his house from that rich guy I just mean I mean the ones that were like like sort of like prostitute Yeah, well the Larry Sinclair one was that Michelle's this guy Larry Sinclair Would claim that he used to be a gay prostitute and he sucked Obama's dick in a limousine while they were smoking crack together Mm-hmm. Well, Obama was a senator and then like like that was like the first thing that like conservative media was like

Go on Just said like when people believe something this stupid and I remember cuz I you know I mean I was him I we were probably like 23 when that came out and I remember like it was funny because it was so absurd Yeah, and now in like it's everything now. It's yeah, it's everything. It's like the idea that like even I hear that and I'm like well Maybe I mean he wrote a whole book about it, you know He finished the book. Yeah, it doesn't make that's a lot of effort to write a book. Yeah, right for it There's something true in that he wrote a chapter book Chapter three

Sucking Obama's dick. It all happened in the one hour in the limo. Yeah. Well, you got to go back story Yeah, like I was on a I was on a bad path to be a fly on the fucking window in that limo. I'd do anything To see that kind of it would have been so funny because plenty of don't forget the balls Don't forget to lick my ass a lot of me. Don't don't don't don't tell anybody about this I'm in the con you can't you can't tell anybody about this by the way And he read and then he wrote a book The Ultimate Betrayal. He did he wrote a book sucking Obama's dick Foretheses and smoking and smoking crack and other stories

There's one I tried to find it and it's like one of those things where I can't remember if it's like I just made it up as a joke or if it was real But I could have sworn that there was a thing that Obama was having gay sex in like what's the What's it called like Marine Force one the president in Benghazi during Benghazi The president's boat. No, he was in the helicopter helicopter that he was he was having like gay sex in there But like for money from like Saudis like Saudis were paying that needed the money

That's what he got that Netflix. Yeah, they have like gay to have like he was gay being a gay prostitute Yeah, during the Benghazi attack, but I've like googled it and I can't I can't find that and I'm hoping it's not I think Will Medeker once said that like it would be really funny if the gay prostitute thing was real And then he like said goodbye to America after a second term that gets into the helicopter and immediately He's just judging drag race That's his post-presidential career That's better than doing painting or whatever they do. Yeah, Bush is a good bush got good We were talking about the difference in our the ten years is that he thinks Bush is like Hitler

I hate I kind of think Bush is pretty funny and like we all thought he was funny because of Will Ferrell Yeah, but I hated Bush. Yeah, I fucking hated Bush We love to bush him. That's the other difference. He cheated to be the president. Oh, he didn't. Yes, he did That's a bullshit. He actually did. No, he didn't. Yes, he did. No, dude. You wanted Al Gore to be the president He invented the internet. Yeah So the fucking sex like the raw sexual energy that guy Al Gore. Oh my god, dude, you guys should watch more of the Simpsons He would have been you know who he was college roommates with Tommy Lee Jones

Really so sick to you don't want him to be the president. Tommy Lee Jones. I'd let him be the president. Yeah Al Gore though Yeah, I remember when I was a kid. I was like yeah, Tommy Lee Jones is like the president I did I thought that I was like if he looks like you know, if you had a movie you gotta put a president in it And it has to be Tommy Lee Jones Yeah, that's all I remember in 24 came out didn't they have a Chinese woman pride They had a black lit black. No, they had the guy from the television where they had the guy from the all-state Every every TV show had a reveal of the the chair being turned and then turning and it was a woman in the local office Yeah, and people go

In fucking flash forward some abc shit drama. Well, I guess we're going to have to bomb candy land like uh Mr. President that is not a country show me on the map It's a board game playing shoots and ladders Yeah, god damn it. I will go to war for resources at 8 15 this morning the president overdosed on skittles Did people think jfk because he had that boston accent? Do they think he was retarded? Yeah, yeah, well, he had a sister who was fully lobotomy rose mary and then they gave her but they made it that She got her get back in the end because they've named a road after her in boston. Oh nice. That's canady parkway

Oh, yeah, and she had he said that the only canady that's we saw that living Is the one you would think would be the most likely candidate to be murdered by the cia Who's living uh rfk jr. Oh, yeah, wait. Why he's anti back. Yeah, he's just anti vax Oh, I don't even know anything about him. Yeah, that is that's fucking you were Fucking dancing on the razor's edge to be a canady and be like, yeah the fucking vaccines They come at me come at me Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, he's anti vax and then ronald reagan's son is anti god Oh, yeah, ronnie jr. He doesn't adopt it. Oh, he's adopted. Yeah. Yeah, he doesn't have I think I think it's him

One of his kids is adopted ronald jr. Yeah, he did that ad on the super bowl against god Yeah, my grandma told me that he was an atheist one time. She cried She like literally was telling me Just one little fact and it brought her to tears It's nice that rickard jervais kind of ruined atheism. It's so wack I mean, it's it's nice because if those were are they were already annoying before rickard jervais was doing No, I mean atheists are wack. Yeah, like it's just it's it's embarrassing. Yeah, just say yeah, yeah They're worse than vegans. That's it. Yeah, that's what's been pissing me off so much is like

Is nila grass Tyson's been making me so mad recently because every interview I see with him. He's trying to measure Something he's like, you know, he's brings a ruler with him. Yeah, well pretty much. He's like, oh, you got a three-inch nose He's like you never know that that your nose directly corresponds to Keep off the song when you're bored He gets into just the absolute wrong His his me too is the funniest thing in the world. Yeah What was it? Do a woman had like a tattoo up an old pussy that was like sort of visible on

Like a tattoo of Pluto here and he was like Oh, and he just started tearing her clothes He's like, is that Pluto? Right, he just looked at her pussy What the hell was the girl and then Yeah, he sexually assaulted me. Yeah, he's always on they he keeps going on rogan and uh Talking about the size of the universe and it's just like who gives a fuck how big anything like how many school buses the The universe is yeah, I don't give a shit. Yeah

It's like people complain about all this culture worse stuff going on right now But they forget how much worse it was in 2009 when like the pinnacle of culture was like liking bacon. Yeah, George Yeah, that that shit that was so much worse. I would much rather have Kyle written house shooting up people, you know burning down a cardio Then have to fucking listen to somebody talk about how much they actually actually like Batman Actually, I'm actually super into comic books Yeah, yeah, the Batman stuff was pretty bad. Yeah, you didn't like the new Batman, right? We talked to somebody who didn't like I was like, how what do you mean when you say new you mean the one the robber patterns

Yeah, no robber pattern. I didn't see an emo. I like it. So sick. Yeah, it was nirvana. Yeah Yeah, it's pretty incredible though. Yeah. Yeah It's nirvana, dude. It's the nirvana batman. It's ill sick, dude. What were we talking about the elliott's? Oh How hard it how so everyone thinks that elliott smith's girlfriend killed him because he stabbed himself in the heart twice And they're like that's impossible for a person to do that But like no the only impots at nuke. That's the only way you know, but every other type of bat takes 40 minutes He left a note that said that it was his girlfriend's fault or his wife's fault

He basically left a note that was like, fuck you, bitch Yeah, and he like how how bad would that ruin your life or not? Not just your partner to kill themselves But the stab themselves in the heart and so alpha post it note your fault You know, Japanese guys kill themselves. Oh, yeah Well, it's a Japanese guy Japanese guy goes to kill himself, right? Yeah, but he writes he writes the Like he writes you are very sad You will experience much sadness on a little piece of paper and then he shoves it in his eyes

Oh, okay, so the corner. Yeah, and then he kills himself and then yeah the corner. Yeah. Oh here And then on the back learn Chinese lucky numbers Yeah, then he's a What he's a fortune cookie. Oh, that was the joke. Oh, man You didn't get it because it's a chinese thing. Well, you know, that was the twist at the end That was the shamalan twist at the end of that joke because I was singing And I would love if M. Night Shyamalan's next movie is like it's like he does like a woke movie And it's all like black people doing like a struggle session and at the end we find out they're all in blackface

So they they wash it off. It rains in the black He just did a woke movie. Did a woke movie about a But there's no twist the twist if there's no twist apparently really. Yeah. Oh, well fucked up. Yeah It's also I guess I said the same exact thing on real menikers when no menikers here I just remembered that they said there's no twist and I was like the twist that we find out that he wasn't indian He takes oh, yeah, he is a real life. Yeah, very good. He would mean just hitting my one All of us didn't have it boom boom boom boom Maybe he gets you into a kind of Andy Richter style role. I think pretty soon

I don't know what this is. No, you got to start tweeting at like underage female comics We need a desk for you Which I guess that fucks up the whole dick cabbage show don't fucking dick caviter and richard You don't come up. You're you have a funny don't tell us what to do. Yeah, I'm the guy on the star of the episodes how to talk Thank you to our star. Oh my god, Caleb this click Caleb Pitts from the band in 1975 Click dude. My music career is over man. Fuck me canceled. Yeah Uh, yeah, I don't know what my role will be on the show. Dude. Your role is that you're the fucking you're the genius

behind See, this is not a host would never say this to the sidekick. You're fucking up everything. Yeah You need to say your role is you stay there. You sit tight. You be quiet Right and when we need to make fun of you for being for looking like a private detective or something Uh-huh. We will do it. I just the lights are so bright. Yeah. No, you have a brain damage You have brain damage or autism Yes Maybe both but it has nothing to do with either of those things. It's the lights. I'm I'm just uh, yeah

No, I think that's a symptom. Yeah, I'm gonna tickle your stomach your arms. You're gonna go up like you're doing like Oh, yeah, that's a sun exposure. Sam Hyde told us that the brain damage like the test to see if you're permanently brain damage They do you you rub someone's tummy and then their arms go up like a dog So I'm about I'm pretty close. I'm thinking about it now. Somebody I'll be like, what the hell are you doing? I get the hell out of it. He's retarded Okay, I would love it if I got if I could go if I could go Like they got COVID testing if I go out on the corner and be like just shove something in my nose and they're like, yeah You're fucking retarded. I would wave that flag left and right because then what would the indicator be on the thing?

A lollipop on the on the yeah, I don't know. It's Think about this let's beat this one open. Hmm. I don't know. See that's the thing is like I'm I'm actually horrible I can't do improv really. Yeah, I can just riff but the second somebody's like, well, what would that be like? I'm like, oh, yeah Yeah, I don't know. You didn't you never did a freeze it up. You guys never did ucb. No, of course not You don't miss the fuck out, bro. Why did you do it? You got right? I did one and I got college credit for it You got molested. You weren't even here that he went to Emerson. I did a la semester. Yeah, yeah I finished up my degree over there. LA. What's that stand for? A lot of auto man wheels. See how see how hard it is. No, that was pretty easy. He kind of crushed it

So a lot of automobiles. Yeah a lot of automobiles Yeah You got really you hung out with a lot of filipino guys when you're in LA. I love I love filipino Yeah, I want to I want to learn to the best people on earth. I want to learn to goleg like people want to learn Is that you pronounce that it's not tagalog? I thought it was tagalog I said tagalog like a little girl scout cookie. Yeah, uh, literally. Yeah. Yeah I thought it was tagalog dude. Yeah. Yeah

But that's a bad they're nasty at pool. Yeah, they are nasty That to to goleg and like chinese I always would like to learn but If you like I've fucking thin-ass walls and I don't want to be overheard learning chinese from duolingo in my My living room. I did it. You did it. Yeah, and you do not only do a link. Oh, you can't do this Can you even use duolingo as your wife's like fucking get that you want to learn chinese we're getting Oh, we're getting the fucking dragon lady. She thinks it's voodoo. You get we're getting real out Those chinese. Yeah, we need to cut her off. They're making her trad. Yeah, pretty much. It's pretty bad Well, thanks for joining us this week on the thanks a lot guys. You've been a great audience for being here. Pleasure being here

Thanks a lot. Thank you. I have to post. Me too Uh, okay. If you want to hit the lights check this out. This other show It's no way. Yeah, pretty cool, huh? Badass