The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. P12 – Chris Distefano

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Adam will be at WISEGUYS COMEDY CLUB in Salt Lake City, UT 4/7-4/8 Nick will be at HYENA'S in Fort Worth, TX 4/7-4/8

Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, the podcast. We're joined today, a huge guest, massive guest, Christopher Maltesanti. Christopher Maltesanti. Welcome to the show. Thank you, dude. I appreciate it. And also, my agents are going to kill me. This weekend, the 7th and 8th Salt Lake City of Wise Guys. Great club. Great club, good hotel. Go see Adam. You know what? Go see Adam. Thank you. And don't do any Mormon stuff. They're anti-Mormon there. Are they? They're the opposite of the, like they don't, the Mormons are not going. They're wise guys. They want you to hear, they want to hear. The Mormons go to see Brian Regan. Yes. That's it. He's such a good stand-up. Yes. But even he got, he got, I got hurt, he got

in trouble there because he said, well he said, damn, on stage. Yeah. And the Mormons are like, wow, we got to go home and have sex now. We're going to have a lot of sex. No, they soak. That's what they do. Do you know about soaking? Yeah. Soaking, soaking, soaking. Is it like a sex thing? Yes. They go in. I also put my tickets over at Hyena's Fort Worth this weekend, 7th and 8th, Dallas, Fort Worth. Good city. You're going to be laughing like a hyena. Dallas. Can I do one? Yes, please. Madison Square Garden, that. And April 13th, I think it's the Empire Theater in San Antonio, Texas. Oh my God. They got a lot of big women down there. Is that downtown? Where is that? Where's the Empire Theater? I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm Austin the night before and then

San Antonio. We're in Austin, right? The Paramount Theater. Oh, okay. But sold out. I'm excited to go back to Texas. I'm reading all the Carol LBJ books. We almost bought a house yesterday in Texas, Dick and I, for a gay marriage. You said 70 on Zillow. I know, but if you look at the map, it's in a cul-de-sac. Well, I'm glad you looked at the map. You guys don't want to go to Texas. You're not Texas. Beaumont, Texas. Texas is a big state. There's a lot of different parts of Texas. Beaumont sucks. East Texas sucks. Hill Country's great. And then West Texas, fucking Mars. But you guys want to walk to a store. You want to walk and get a coffee. You can't do that in these other places where everybody moops. And you're not... I won't have to get in

my truck to go get my man. I want a cold roll to Starbucks. I want a horse that doesn't respect me that I can't get on. That I have to use doggie steps to get on my fucking horse. You have to run and start and jump on it. I'm trying to get kicked in the head by my horse that doesn't respect me. You'd survive, dude. Well, and then I could live as a mental retard. That's the dream. You actually have the perfect facial hair, too, for like a horseshoe. No, it's a bang. Did you wear this on account of us? You're like, I'm going to the Bad Boy podcast. Deutsche Land Special Olympics. Wait, that's the German national team for the Special Olympics? That's got to be a tough Special Olympics. They would all been experimented on 80 years ago. It's a mangle and grandchildren. I would imagine the parents when that came out in Germany were like,

you have to promise this isn't more experimental. They're like, well, it kind of is. It's sort of an experiment. If Hitler came back, this is the most offensive thing he could see, is that they made a Special Olympics with his beautiful people. There's a lot that he wouldn't like. He wouldn't care about that. Jesse Owens beats all the German retards. All those German Special Olympics will say Ivan Drago, probably. They're probably pumping them with roids. They're huge. What were we talking about before? Oh, Mormon. Texas. Soaking. Soaking is, they get it big and then they stick it in no pumps. Okay. But then there's an additional element you're forgetting. So they put it in, they don't move, because if they're not moving, then it's not fucking. Right? And then they have a friend jump on the bed.

Yes. So it's the friend doing it. It's like the fucking like, I'm not fucking you, kind of like, you know, I'm hitting yourself. But it's a gay thing. No, it's Mormon. It's a Mormon thing. It's a premarital sex thing. Oh, okay. So they just, they don't, they don't insert at all. No, they do. They put it in, but they don't move. Oh, okay. No pumps. That's, I respect that. Soaking. I always love stuff like, I love the idea that God's like, ah, you trick me. Yeah. Yeah. You did it. Yeah. Wow. As God, I didn't think of that. Yeah. No, I grew up with a lot of Mormons in Vegas. Right. And their moms were so hot. Like all my Mormon friend, friends, moms were like, they, they'd only had sex with one guy their whole lives and they were just like bursting with like,

they're all blonde and like nice. They all had like a great snacks. Did you hook up with any of them? The moms? Yeah. As a boy? They weren't fucking me. They were not fucking me. I think you are. Alex was. He was fucking the, Alex was fucking like wives and stuff. Really? That's crazy. Why did he come here? Because I don't know. He wanted to get out of the hall later. Yeah. Yeah. You wanted to be a director of photography? Yeah. I didn't know he was fucking a bunch of hot Mormon moms. Yeah. Blonde, angel. For how much he complains about Salt Lake, that would kind of offset what makes Salt Lake. I'm a queen, dude. Yeah. Alex loves to complain. Yeah. It's cold, but if you're fucking a bunch of, it's cold air. It's cold here. The moms were so hot. I used to abuse myself to the moms.

Salt Lake, I found to be very weird. It is peculiar. I stayed at a hotel there because I did, what I do is I find where the club is and then I go and hotel tonight and then I find the closest. Hotel tonight's the best. Yeah. I find the closest hotel to the club and that's where I stay. Right. So, you know, I stayed at that hotel. The Evo Hotel? Yes. The skateboard. Yes. That was shocking. Yeah. Because it's weird because it's like, you know, there's this idea that Instagram isn't real. You know, it's like there's this, it's like make-believe world that we put in. Right. And then there's other parts of the country where they don't know what to do. So, they're looking at Instagram to create a culture. Right.

And it seems like that hotel, or what are that part of Salt Lake that I saw is entirely derived from Instagram advertisements. Right. That there's people, I saw, I told, I've made a set on the show already. I saw a father who is like a skateboard dad. Right. I don't mean that, I mean, I'm sure he's skateboards, but he's walking and he's got like his mini version of himself, like an eight-year-old. And he's like, well, when was the last time we worked on your 360s? He's like the Earl Woods of skating. This kid has to reluctantly skateboard. And it's like, also, what's the end game there? It's like skateboarding even. Who's the most famous skateboarder now? Tony Hawk. Yeah. And he's 75 years old. Right. Right. Yeah. He's doing like diabetes

commercials. Yeah. It's him. It's like struggling to put the helmet on. And it's like, you know, pressing. He's getting like, like, what's it called? Like pressure edema on his shoes. And not only is he the only, he's the only famous skateboarder ever. Yeah. Right. Like there's not another one. Yeah. Maybe the kid, the kids from that movie Kids. Yeah. But they're all dead. Yeah. Mike V, I guess, is probably next. Well, Ben Margera. I was going to say, Mike, I'm taking the last one. Yeah. Vecchione, famous skateboarder. I want to take them off. I want to do a few minutes with him, a few minutes. I'll put them on in a few minutes. I have very similar glasses I wear on the show also. I lie and tell people they're a prescription. I'm very insecure about being on

camera. And so I like hiding my eyes. Well, that's the thing is I've been since I've been wearing these glasses. A lot of people are like, Oh, you're hiding behind the glasses. I'm like, you can still see my full face. You fucking retard. Yeah. Like, what are you talking about? Me, I'm absolutely hiding behind the glass. I spent my entire career I built by hiding behind the internet. Right. So what, you know, but I said, like you having anonymity that that's you have a beautiful thing. Yeah, we're not getting in trouble. He will get in trouble. Yeah, exactly. Freeland. So I'm Adam Friedland and a bomb will go off at the FBI headquarters in Brooklyn on Wednesday. They have the FBI in Brooklyn. They have the FBI

office everywhere. Oh, yeah, there's there. You know, my friend who told me that John Gotti. No, I don't know him. I think I knew one of the sons. I don't know him. The son is very funny. Yes, hilarious. He's also going to be a wise guy Salt Lake City. Yeah, I can't. I love that guy. But he told me that my friend who's in the FBI told me that the BQE, especially after 9 11, Brooklyn Queens Expressway, that there was so much traffic there and so much construction there right after 9 11 for like five years. And it still isn't a small way, but it was never construction. It was just FBI agents scanning everybody's car. And it was the it was the FBI and the CIA looking in all your stuff. But disguising as construction work construction workers. So it could not just

blasting every commuter with x-rays 100 percent babies. It doesn't matter. Yeah, we set up an outdoor microwave. It doesn't matter. Muslim daycare center. Yeah, with taxpayer money. Man, your friends in FBI agent. I got friends. I got the thing is about friends on the inside on the inside even rats even today or last week. This whole Trump indictment thing. All my friends were my friend is sergeants were texting me this morning where he's going to go. What roads are going to be closed? You know, you kind of I always get like a video of like some crime scene that'll be and they're like, we can't show this video. I'll get the video. Somebody get his head blown off. Get hit with a meat. That's so funny. The FBI spends all this money spying

on people and the secret operation and the BQE and then they just tell their gossipy friend with the podcast. Yeah, exactly where the president is going to be. The path the indicted president is going to take. Yeah, if the FBI wants to know like any inside info, they just have to come to Staten Island and like go to any pizzeria or a coffee shop and we're all talking about it. We all have all the answers. It was gossiping. It's the best. You guys ever go to Staten Island? Yeah, I did work on commercials. I had a couple of jobs out there. Nick and I used to go to we went once to the Staten Island Yankees single A. Oh, yeah. Now, that doesn't really count as going to Staten Island. You got to like go in. Yes, like you got to come to my house. That guy

talked to the reliever warming up. Yeah, there was like a sport man. Yeah, there was a reliever named JP sport man. And he was warming up. And this guy's like, Hey, can I get a fucking bowl for my kid? Yeah, right. Thanks a lot. You fucking asshole. I think he called him a bum or something. I don't know. I don't have a fucking face. He's like, you're probably a fucking steroids. Probably should be. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I imagine everyone is you have to be. Are you cycling right now? Now, the last time I took a cycle of anything was windstroll. And I took it when I was 18 or 19. What's windstroll? It was like the sounds like it's for British nerds. Yeah, it's it's me and Mattie Haley do it. Yeah, it's it's it's a it's a was a like a performance enhancing

steroid. I was played college basketball three, so they didn't do any test or anything like that. So I just took a cycle of it. They were called that and D balls was the balls. That's the original one. Diana balls. I think that was I think it was windstroll was that I mean, dude, you would just get like another, you know, six inches on a vertical leap. Like it was insane, but everybody's heart started to explode. Where'd you play ball? Division three, St. Joseph's, St. Joseph's in Brooklyn, though. That's a beautiful campus. I live right by there in Clinton Hill. I live in Fort Greene. Yeah. Oh, Fort Greene. Yeah, it's really nice. Yeah, that dude. And by the way, they went on a little run, didn't they? Yeah, or they won a big game or something. I saw something. I mean,

to this year, at a low, yeah, division three level. Yeah. So it's like, I mean, matters, but it doesn't matter. You know, Fort Greene, by the way, it's amazing because when I went to school, they are in 2003. That was big style. You know, you couldn't, you couldn't live there, but now you can. It's gorgeous. Welcome. Gorgeous. Welcome to Brooklyn. We made it. We made it bloom. It's amazing to me how kids that look like you will are like there's an 18 year old kid that looks just like you. Some 18 year old girl looks just like you and she's gorgeous, beautiful and born and raised in Bed-Stuy. She's born and raised in Bed-Stuy. It's a mind-blown thing for a native New Yorker to understand. That is crazy. I'm actually very cool with it. A lot of people in

my neighborhood are like, what the fuck? But I think it's great. It's like the property value is going up. This is what we want. Yeah. I met a 19 year old red hair white girl from, she's like, I'm from Bushwick. Yeah. Yeah. That's where she was 19 years ago was born there. That's fucked up to grow up in Bushwick. Yeah. I grew up in Ridgewood, Bushwick. I grew up right there. That's a real neighborhood. German baby. That's a beautiful neighborhood. Deutschland. Wait, what are you doing next Monday? Flagrin too. What's that? A Fowl? Schultz's podcast. What about Monday night? Hey, let me ask you something. I can hang. So Flagrin, they're set. Is it the same size? How big is that? I've never been inside that. I've never been inside. It's so nice. It's very nice, but it also looks

massive. But this looks massive. And it is. I know. When we went up, it was like, let's build the biggest. We've got to have the biggest one. Yeah. No, this is the way you guys are doing it. Do you come in here every day, even when you're not filming? Like, this is your office? I used to, but Dave's in here all the time now, so I don't come in. And he's weird? Yeah. He brings some strange guys here. He brings strange guys here. A lot of Scandinavians. Well, I don't know. They're just in towels. He's paying them. I think they're paying him. Yeah. A Scandinavian woman, I think, is one of the hottest women you can be. Like, some, like a Viking sex. You know what I mean? Yeah. I like that. What are they? The women that take you to heaven? The Valkyries, yeah.

That's got to suck. That's sort of like the inverse of Muslim heaven. Muslim heaven, you're like, the bomb is probably still exploding. Right. And your guts are just coming out as you go into heaven, and then it's sexy lady time. Yeah. Norse heaven, a hot lady shows up, and you're like, oh, fuck, yeah. And then she just carries you to heaven, and she's like, all right, well, so yeah. And you're like, well, where are you going? She's like, I have to go bring other people to heaven. If you don't get to fuck me, I'm just the cab driver, essentially. Yeah. And Valhalla is all vets. You're there with all guys that died. Right. It's a VFW. You listen to Mustang, Sally, you play fucking football. Yeah, Valhalla. Drink a 50 cent coke. It's all guys that talk

about the shit, yeah. Yeah. About being in the shit. You have a Michelob Ultra and play fucking, yeah. Guys with no legs. Yeah, you play darts. Vikings, too. I just learned this, that they invented biological warfare. They would light sick rats on fire, and then you filmed them, and then they invented jackass, and they would shoot them into enemy boats or like enemy forts, and then they would let the rats like bite everybody and infect their food. They also, supposedly, shitting on the chest came from Vikings, because what they would do is another form of biological warfare. They invented that because they would go raid your town, say, coming into your village. I kill everyone. You're the chieftain before I behead you,

just to, you know, in front of your wife and kids, just to kind of degrade you one more time. Everyone comes and just takes a steamy shit on your chest. They should have changed the Indians to the Cleveland steamers. Yeah, I don't know why. The Guardian sucks. This is a term. It's just the other type of Indian guy. I thought you were going there. Yeah, okay. That'd be funny if it was just a dog on the head. Did you make that joke ever? Huh? Did you make that joke ever? Did what? If they changed the Indians, but it just had a bindi on that? That sounds like something I would say. That sounds like something you just said. I've got a very small playpen that I operated. Yeah, but, you know, you're a man of principle.

Sure. Yeah. How'd you find this out about the Vikings? On a white revisionist history site. Because that's not on Wikipedia. Yeah, white revisionist history. I, you know, some, you know, Instagram thing, you know, that, well, I mean, it could have been a lie. Oh, okay. You know, so some, some, clearly the Chinese came up with red, red warfare. Yeah. Yeah. It's actually was the whites, the Vikings. Yeah. Yeah. It was us. Yeah. There, I think they're the best group, the Vikings. Those are, they're my favorite. Your favorite group? What about Italian? What about Italian? Huh? What about Italian? I'm mostly German. That's the thing. My last thing was DiStefano, Maltesanti, sorry. And, and, and they, and they, and I

thought I was Italian my whole life, but then I did the 23 and me, like 95% German, mostly German. And your world shattered? Huh? Your world shattered. Shattered. And then people my whole life would always, because I grew up in Ridgewood, which was a historically German and Polish neighbor, German and Polish now, but when it was German forever, and people would, old men would always come up to me as a little kid and say stuff in German. And, and you know, I was like, I'm not German. And then there was a guy across the street, old man who lived there for years. And then he died when I was like 15. And then I found out because he was a war veteran. And then we found, I found out later on in life, he was a Nazi. Yeah. Was it that guy Trump deported? Do you remember

that? Yeah. When they pulled him out, they had to bring him out of his house on a stretcher. He had this giant beard and he was like looking terrified. Yeah. And then everyone was like, we got him. And it's like, I think he was already got. They were like ice. Ice is doing their damn job. Yeah. They got rid of him. A guy that was in a bed in Queens. There was a guy, there was a guy in Queens that used to, I saw him. I didn't even know because I guess he'd been in, I don't know if he'd been in the newspaper yet. I was just on the train one time. There's this big fat guy wearing a swastika necklace. Like he had like a medallion with a swastika on it, like a Nazi swastika. Right. Like white, black on white, red field. And so I just took a picture of him and I was like,

what? Yeah. He was always saying anything. Right. And then, and then yeah, I showed it to somebody and they were like, oh yeah, that guy was like, he had been in the New York Post, I guess. He just, he puts his swastika medallion on and rides the train. I have a family member who served 20 years in prison and he was Puerto Rican. So he's, and she transgender, and they were saying that the Nazis, the like white Aryan race, like as long as they like you. They perfected sexual reassignment surgery in prison. Perfected it. But they were like the easiest people to get along with. They just wouldn't, they were like, they had, they were clean. They're like, look, that didn't exist in Nazi Germany. Yeah. There's nothing on the books. There's nothing on the books. So we don't know

which way to go. So we might as well default to smiles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the, that's pretty much the Nazi party standard. They have no rule for it. Yeah. He said that that that and you know, he's a gay guy who blow a lot of them and he said they were polite about it. Or like he said, the most impolite. Yeah. Well, there were probably all on windshield. They said, thank you. Yeah. No, they were, he said extremely polite guys. Yeah. He said that, you know, Charmed. Yeah. It's like, he was like, you know, other groups would treat him disrespectfully. But Jerry said, if anytime you blow like a Nazi or like anybody like that, that they were very nice and very cordial, which I, you know, I don't know about the 1940s Nazis, but the New Age ones

in prison, supposedly are nice guys. They've really gotten there actually. Supposedly they're nice guys. Yeah. So there's that man. Well, back in the day, all the worst Nazis and worst like, like World War II was like, if you were just a sinister gay, that was like the best time in history for you. All the top like. They're all gay. Yeah. Can you ever see like the fat one? I think it was the head of the Luftwaffe. Garen. Garen. He's a big fat. Well, originally the head of the SA, what was his name? Gelt. No, before, before the Nazis took power, there was an SA. That one I don't know. And he was gay. And initially they're, they're, they're fucking, I don't know. I don't want to go too far into this because then, then you just start to sound

like you're making a point that, well, the Nazis were actually gay, but that's not some of the fancy I know, but Hitler was gay. Yeah. I mean, Hitler was, yeah, he was on the Adderall. He was gay. Crystal meth. They say. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He had a, he had a, a fag hag Ava. Yeah. Yeah. Gorgeous country home in the mountains. The Eagles. The Eagles is so cool. So nice. Yeah. Yeah. It makes the whole thing kind of worth it. Honestly. Yeah. I mean, you see, I like go in that. Dude, his, his, his limousine produced the most Jewish television program, you know, which gives me license to say these things. This is the Heshi Teshwitz hour. Yeah. I don't know what that means, but yeah. Heshi Teshwitz is the character. Hitler's car. Great.

The beetle. What do you mean? No, not the fucking beetle is, is limousine. With the car that John Lovitz drives in, in Ratman. That is the funniest scene in any movie ever. It literally is the funniest scene in any movie ever. I rewatched Rat Race last year. It held up. It surpassed. Yeah. I was peeing my pants. Never seen it. Saw it. Oh, you're not into cinema. Okay. I've seen a lot of this stuff. You gotta, you gotta watch Rat Race. All right. Yeah. No, John Lovitz, uh, steals Hitler's car. What year was it? 2000? He's gay, right? Lovitz? Uh, I think he's just Jewish. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. We're all crayons. He's, he's, he's like, he's like a very conservative, like socially conservative. No, didn't you have like a,

like a 17 year old girlfriend? Now I'm making him. That doesn't make him not socially conservative. That's more traditional. No, I mean, I was saying heterosexual. Oh yeah. No, I remember, there was, Wardell told me Lovitz did the draft house in Arlington and it's John Lovitz and I don't know, like he does stand up, but you know, you know, it's not like you see him around. Right. So most people aren't familiar with his act. He did the draft house and he came out and he's like, what's the deal with these fucking trannies they got now? You know, he was like all upset about transsexuals and they had to bring him out the back because people were like, like, fuck you, John Lovitz. Yeah, because Arlington's pretty woke, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, what's his name? Sandler's boy. Uh, Rob, um, Schneider. I saw him open for Sandler and he had some opinions on the transgender community. Yeah. Well, he's, he's a very conservative. In the, in the anti-vax world, because he, him and Jim Carrey are like two of the only male anti-vax guys that pre-date the COVID vaccines. Yeah, they're like LA anti-vax. Yeah, they were the guys that were like, you know, yeah, they cause autism and fucking the MMR vaccines. I did, um, Opie and Anthony with him, uh, with Rob Schneider and he, and yeah, this was like 2016. My oldest daughter was only like one and he was like talking to me about like not leaving, you know, he's like that he regrets so much, like going on the road and missing his daughter who's like a singer,

Elle King. She's like had a couple of big songs. She's Nick Rushford's neighbor in, in Rhode Island. Like in the woods somewhere? Schneider's daughter is a big country musician that lives around the corner from Rushford. That's correct. Yeah. So, but he said, you know, he was like, you know, you don't want to miss anything in her life and all that stuff. I was like, yeah. And he said, but the main thing is do not give your children's anti-vaccines. That is the thing. I was like, all right, it was on the airwaves. So I was like, whatever. I was like, I was like, sure he had to get vaccines for preschool. He's like, get him out of her. Well, now she's famous and she has to live in the woods. Yeah. That's what not getting vaccines will do for you. Yeah. You can't be in

contact with human beings. If you had a kid, would you vaccinate it? And would you circumcise it? I have two questions. Absolutely. Absolutely. Vaccine and circumcise. Circum, I don't care about vaccines. Circuit, like I am not having that in my house. This has been a constant debate between me and my girlfriend. And I don't understand why she's getting so entrenched on the no cutting thing. It just means I would do, I would do. She got her bag to loan out on study abroad in Berlin, some Danish guy with a fucking like, like Mike and cock. She definitely like had an experience she'll be on her deathbed thinking about and it's made some impression. It should be my fucking decision. Well, my son's penis looks like I don't want some gorgeous

fucking Dominican foreskin in my house. I don't want that in my house. He's not going to respect me. I'm sorry I'm getting upset right now. I'm sorry I'm getting upset. I would do half of it with like a swoop. So it's like a sort of like a beret. It's kind of dull. It's like this kind of what's going on. You know, so then it's all vibes. You're a German-Itralian. You probably mutilated. You're American. I'm an American. No, I'm mutilated. I'm American first. Yeah, I'm American first. I'm red, white, and blue. I go on stage. I'm a nice country. I say I'm proud of my parents had my balls removed because they thought it would make my penis look bigger. Did it? Yeah, no. That's a good try. Because then it never grew.

You just have like a little... Yeah, no, I don't have balls either. It sucks. But you're in the Vienna boys' choir. Yeah, that's why I don't understand when people get mad about this trans stuff. You just see the way my parents fucked me up. They brought a little baby me into that plastic surgeon and they said, let's get wild dude. We're artists. Yeah, we're gonna have fun. Let's get this little dick out. Yeah. I'm sorry I got so upset about the force. It's all right. It's a thing. What about a daughter? Would you circumcise your daughter? Absolutely. Yeah. You know I'm from Nigeria. The clit thing, I think, is wrong. But maybe some of them, they could maybe just even out the lips. They don't have to make them small or big,

but the same size. I get it. You know what I mean? Pussy lips? Yeah. If you're gonna get one that's like, hey, how's it going? But how do you know what a baby's pussy is gonna look like when they're an adult? By doing surgery when they're born. If they can do heart surgery on a baby while the mother's pregnant with the baby, they can predict what the pussy lips are gonna look like. 100%. This show has gotten so weird. It's an intellectual show now. Yeah. I'm proud of us. Yeah. This is good. Yeah. The patron's gonna start rising. Do you think a female genital mutilation is, they can't stop doing that in Africa right now. What do you mean? Well, imagine you stop socially. You stop cutting off the clitoris of women, right? And then you have to admit like,

yeah, we were wrong about that one. You know what I mean? You can't risk that. You can't take that out. So you got to just, there's never gonna be a jump off point where it's like, oh, that was in the past. You know what I mean? No one wants to take responsibility. That's why it could took the civil war to end slavery, right? Well, I was about to say we used to have slaves. Yeah, but it took a war to end it because nobody wants to be like, you know, there's probably a lot of people on the side that are like, I know this is bad, but I don't want to fucking be the guy to admit it. Yeah, embarrassing. Right. You know what I mean? Does that make sense to you? So they're gonna continue to do it. Like, you know, have you ever clog a toilet? And then you just go,

it was you, you heat the other guy did it. You know what I mean? But the other guy wasn't in the bathroom. I know, but you find a way to blame it on literally anybody else. There's no way to do that. I blame it on my girlfriend. Yeah. She caught me doing something that I've done for years. It's one of the most like lazy, disgusting things I do is I pee with the seat down. And if I see a little splishy splashy and I'm wearing socks in the house, I'll like put my foot on the bowl and wipe it. It's a nasty habit. She caught me. I don't understand the physics of what you're describing. If I get a little splishy splashy, you somehow sit down to pee and still piss outside the bowl. I don't sit down to pee, Nick. I don't sit down to pee no matter what you say

to the pope. I thought that's how this started as I sometimes sit down to pee. No, I pee with the seat down. I sit down to pee. I sit down. Yeah. You know I sit down. Yeah. No. And then she caught me. She was like, what are you doing with your foot on the toilet seat? I just removed the seat. I saw a little splishy splash. I just removed the seat from the toilet. Yeah. My mom would always say if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seedy. That's so cute. So she would, you could do that with your sock. She's a nice lady in your mom. She's a nice German lady. German. I met your mom at the airport. You met my mom. She's a nice lady. Nick met my whole family at the airport. Yeah. I think it was Anaheim. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. He was coming

from doing shows at Mike Racine and I was coming from taking my kids to Disney. Really? I had it worse. Your family's Disney? We went to Disney last August, but we won't do it again. That's like a thing, like a Disney family. You know, everybody in my family, including the children, were like, we hated this. That's a loser ass family. Yeah. It's a family that's into Disney. Disney world and land seem like two. Six Flags is perfect. Yeah. Six Flags is a perfect size amusement park. Yeah. Universal Studios is much better than Disney as well. Yeah. But Six Flags is big. Yeah. Six Flags is good. You got enough time to go on maybe two of the big rollercoasters in a day. I was at Six Flags in New Jersey with my father. I want to say it was 1997. You can

Google and find out. The Yanks. The Yanks. Great team there. Great. Yeah. Yeah. We lost in the World Series, but we had a good team. Great team. But anyway, I was online for this ride, the Great American Screen Machine, and I was literally, I wasn't close, but I was in, let's say, 40 minutes away, actively on the line when a girl fell off it and died. Like her contraption opened. You got your money's worth at that. Yeah. And then my dad, you know, heard it. My dad was like, so does that mean the ride's closed? We've been waiting for 40 minutes. And I was like, what? Yeah. I'm terrified to go on. And my dad was like, you know, we'll go on another one. My dad was like, I don't want you to be fearful. I know they just died, but you got to

get up and get on the next one. And we did. We got on a ride called Viper. Does she unbuckled because her clit actually jammed in there? Yeah. If she was going to remove you. There was a Nigerian man operating the ride. Yeah. Nigeria. This is what you get. Yeah. It was Will Smith in Concussion. Yeah. It was the doctor. I have discovered a flaw with the rollercoaster. You got into doctoring from being a boy, a girl boy in Africa. That's not true. That Jewish rabbi is when they circumcise babies. It's not true. It's not true. It's not true. It's not true. It's not true. Babies were getting herpes in Brooklyn from it. That's true. Yeah. No, they were getting that from hidden crows. It's true. And it's true. And it was something that I found out way before,

like, you know, a lot of people I found this out. There was a story about it. This, like, you know, babies getting. You found it out on websites. And I would tell people and they would call me an anti-Semite. And I'd say, no, it's the Hussites. It's a different, they're like. My, I had a family member. The Satmers that were doing it. Yeah. I had one sect of Hussites that were doing it. That were doing that. But it got made, my family members who worked at a hospital in Brooklyn, where the Hasidic Jewish community was there. And my, we're in Burrow Park, Wycoff, Wycoff Heights in Bushwick. Okay. And they said that literally, like, weekly, a Hasidic Jewish man would come in with rampant STDs, a different one, because they were paying extra money to have

sex with toots with no condom. He's like, so, and then, so you think that they are not supposed to obviously be doing that religious, but they'd all have a million STDs. They were a big thing. And then they're, and then they're sucking their kids' cocks, giving everybody herpes. Yeah. It's a damn shame. It's a damn shame. Yeah. I'm embarrassed, personally, on behalf of all. What's going to happen when the Messiah comes? Mashiach. And then he sees what's going on. Well, a lot of people say Jesus is back already. Oh, is it, it's not G, they wouldn't call him Jesus. No, no, no. It, that's the difference between Christians and Jews. Because Christians think Jesus is the Messiah. Right. Yeah, I understand that. They're waiting still. Jews think we're

still waiting. Then the Hasidic, they have, one of the Hasidic groups, they have a guy. Bobby think that it's this guy, Menachem Schneerson. He's alive right now. No, he died in 91, 92. He died, no, he died later than that in the 90s, though. He was a, he was a great man. What'd he die of? He was nailed to a cross. Minerial disease. They crucified him. They crucified him. Yeah. Yeah. He was, those are the guys that live in Crown Heights, the Lou Bobbitt. The CHJs. Yeah, yeah. I, let's remember that Yankees team, Bernie Williams, Paulo Neal. Paulo Neal, Scott Brochus. Scott Brochus. Was Pasada on the team yet or no? I think Pasada, Mariano Rivera, John Wetland. Mo, dude, enter Sandman. John Wetland with the

sweaty hat. With the sweaty hat. Remember that, Jimmy Key was a great pitcher. Fucking, who else was on that pitching staff? Jim Abbott. Well, that's 96 with one arm. That was amazing. God fucking, why don't we have shit like that anymore? We should, we should have more athletes. Yeah, we don't have any more athletes with one arm. People would forget about Jim Abbott. You knew I think ruined it. Do you remember how he had an awesome pastorious? Yeah, with his bionic legs. Which was cheating. South African legend. Which was cheating. In prison right now, actively. For murdering his son. He got set up. You believe, you don't think he killed her? No, he. No, he thought somebody was

coming for his arms and he fucking shot. Which I would tell. Yeah, and his girlfriend is coming back from the bathroom. No, he wanted the arms removed, actually. Did he? Yeah, he wanted four blades. Yeah, to what? Scoop ice cream with? To do like a gallop kind of thing. That'd be cool. Like one of those Boston dynamics for us. Elon Musk is tweeting them out. Those robot dogs. It's wild that they think that that's going to be well received. Yeah, people hate those. They say, I mean, it's a slip. I mean, every smart person, every top person is saying this is the slipperyest of all slopes ever. Who are your top people? Top smart people? Yeah. Who are your goats? Louie. I guess Elon Musk. You're a musk guy. Neil deGrasse Tyson. Who else? I guess

that's it. That's really those are your three. If you ask people on Staten Island who the smartest people in the world are, we would say Neil deGrasse Tyson. People think Stephen Hawkins still alive. And now everybody would say Ron DeSantis. Everybody would say. They like him. Because he went to MIT, which I'm not saying people in Staten Island even know what MIT is, but they think that he's the smartest guy. What about Tony Soprano, Tony Montana? They like them, but they like them. But I don't know that it would say as far as just who's smart. Yeah, it would be it would be those people. Did you ever have that poster where it was like all like the good fellas, guys, Tony Soprano, Scarface, and they're all like playing

poker and stuff. Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King, Arm and Arm. No, Pete Davidson. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The practical jokers. Does Pete think that you're like, you're like trying to try to like claim Staten Island? He's like, we all know you're out there. You're like, you know, like outsider. No, I don't think Pete. I don't think Pete thinks that. I think Pete's just drinking smart water. He drinks smart water. They would think actually he might be a top guy because he's the spokesperson for smart water. So they might they might think that. But I don't think that he has any issue with me now claiming Staten Island. He doesn't gatekeep. He doesn't gatekeep. He doesn't gatekeep. Neither do the practical jokers. Neither does Vinny Guadagnino

from the Jersey Shore. None of these Staten Island. Neither does Curtis Sliwa. What a legend. Legend, dude. When I saw I saw every time if I see him in the street, I mean, it's a pound, it's a hug, it's a pick. We gotta get the foreskin. That's what he has. The foreskin. We gotta get the braids. I saw they would do the show in a heartbeat. The guardian angels. Of course, bro. I would love to have Sliwa. You know him? Yeah. Curtis. By the way, I got a text while we were talking about something else. Mattie Haley, 1975. He said your boyfriend, he said, love all caps him. Exclamation, exclamation. For some reason, he thinks I don't think he's funny when I really, really do. Well, tell him to come here and fucking prove it. Yeah. Tell him I want

to get soaked. Should we FaceTime? Yeah, the British probably invented soaking before. Dude, fix your hair. You're going to talk to him. Was my hair fucked? No, no, I'm just saying it's, you love him so much. We gotta get away to stream the FaceTime to camera 4. All podcasts just have a fucking TV. How could you stream that? There's a way, so the switcher has a... He's not going to pick up it. Why not? Dude, he's so nervous looking at him. No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. You're such a bitch. Dude, he cried in 1930. All right. Look, unavailable. Dude, take a screenshot where it says unavailable, and then I send it. No, let me see if I look good.

I love that guy. Have you hung out with him? No, never met him. I hung out with Ross from the 1975. He was awesome, but I never... What's he like? He's like, I'm also in the band. I work at the music show. I'm also in the band. Right, Joel? Now, he was cool. I went and saw him at SNL, and I never been to SNL and never been to the after parties. Oh, my God, you look like a fucking smoke in this pic. Let me see. Unreal, bro. And I thought I was going to meet him, couldn't wait, and then only Ross came to the after party, and Michael Chey was there. He was like, dude, I've never seen a band not come to the after party or only one member. That's disrespect. That's disrespect. No, I love it. It makes me like him

more. No, he was in trouble from us stuff. Oh, that was happening. It was our fault. People are trying to get their band banned from Japan. Nick made a joke about... I didn't make a joke. First of all, I criticize Japan for being racist. Fascists. They're fascists. Yeah, they are. People want to... Everybody's... You know, white people are not the worst. I'm not saying... The rape of Don King. The rape of Don King. The rape of Nat King Cole. Yeah. Their jabs were... They weren't good back then, and that's what he's referring to. You're referring to ancient jabs, not Jewish. It's a different thing. The reason they all killed themselves now is because they can't do that anymore. Right. And also because I think they identify with their careers too much.

They are so intertwined with I am a... I work as a receptionist that when that's over for 40 years, they kill themselves. That's a big thing because they don't have any value if they're not working. That's a Japanese thing. I agree with what you said, and I fucking... You're not going to get the 1975 out of Japan. I'll make sure that they're in Japan. Oh my God. I'll literally make sure. I'll fucking kill all of them. Last samurai. That's it, dude. I'll go and I'll kill every single person. Well, you're a German. You can maybe... I can broker a deal with them. Maybe talk to a couple guys. Yeah, I can broker a deal with them. Do you think they're still cool with Germany? Japan? Yeah. They're like X's. They don't talk anymore. Listen, bro. I think that, yeah, they

don't forget. Do we forget? What if you found out you had like one person, you did 23 of me, one percent Japanese, you were all Axis. You had Italian, German, Japanese. Japanese. I would feel great. I'd put on a U-Go ball suit, do some math. Fucking go vegetarian. U-Go ball suit and the fucking the bonsai sushi chef. Yeah. I would feel awesome, dude. I think it would be wrong personally after what they did. Well, we'll see. Finland became NATO yesterday, so we'll say. Did that happen? Or today, yeah, officially. Are you going to fight? If we have to go, are you going to fight? Fight where? Ukraine? No, I'm fighting for Russia against Ukraine. Oh, you're pro-Russia? Oh, you're a mercenary. Yeah, dude. I watched the Navalny documentary this

weekend. Did you like it? There's one part that's sick. It's a prank call. He does like a prank call of the guy who poisoned him and he's like, hey, I'm from the head office. I'm just doing like a report and he's like, maybe we should do this in person. He's like, no, no, I don't have enough time. And then he just got this guy like on a prank call to say exactly how he poisoned him. He put the poison in his underwear. It was pretty sick. Yeah. But I think Navalny is, I don't know. Poisoned underwear. They poisoned his underpants. That's funny that that's the stuff that KGB told me. Well, he was on a plane, so they stole his luggage. Dude, did you see the amount of pain he was in on that plane? That was pretty terrifying. Like you could just tell. Like it looked like he

had like a kidney stone or something. He's got a daughter named Dasha. Dasha? Yeah. Dasha Nadavny. Navalny. Navalny. The rape of Dasha Navalny. She goes to Stanford. I looked up her Instagram. The Stanford Cardinal. Are you really a Russia guy? You like Russia? No, I just don't. I just don't give a fuck about Ukraine. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't trust any of it. I know that there's a million people that can explain it and this, I don't know what any of you guys are fucking talking about. I have no idea. Yeah. I have no idea why what's going on. And to me, it's like, to me, that's, that's why I don't white violence. Not my problem. Exactly. If you're walking in, getting applause breaks from Congress, it's all, it's, it's, it's fishy to me. I didn't like that at all. They're

just flipping weapons, dude. That's all they didn't have Afghanistan anymore. That's it, baby. They want that oil money, supposedly. Oh yeah, Russia has Russia or Ukraine, right? I mean, you, I think that's what that whole Crimea. There's got to be a new drug in the pipeline. Something. There's got to be some type of drug they can make in Ukraine that the CIA is like, oh, this is going to be way better than hair. Well, they make a lot of mail order brides. Right. Fine ass girls. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently, at the beginning of the war, there was a run on Ukrainian women in China. They were just like, by, they were like the Chinese men were like, just like going crazy. They were like, we can get them all because they're considered the most

beautiful women in the world and Ukrainian. I mean, they are to the Chinese and that, but they're also, they're beautiful, but in the world, they're considered, I mean, I can't imagine a better Chinese evening than eating a bucket full of live baby rats and then fucking your Ukrainian bride. Yes. I think they look pretty good in Ukraine. What? They look pretty good over there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What would you buy if you were a Chinese businessman? If you were a Chinese billionaire? I wouldn't buy love. I would just find it. It's crazy that you ever like accidentally end up on Alibaba.com. Yeah. Of course. Like you try and buy something and you click on that thing

as a link and then it's like the machine that you buy for a factory that makes the thing you're looking for. Yeah. Like you want like a lint roller and then you end up on Alibaba and it's like industrial lint roller maker. You can provide you with a thousand a month from Guangzhou. But that website looks like such shit and that's like their Amazon. Yeah. And that guy's worth so much money. It's fun to like buy a bunch of shit and then forget about it and then it comes like four and a half months later. From Alibaba? Yeah. From Alibaba. It takes forever. Yeah. I'm going to order a printing press when I get home. Oh my god. Holds for one like Benjamin Franklin. Yeah. Yeah. Guggenheim press. Yeah. Gudenberg. It's a Gutenberg press. Gutenberg.

Is that the one they made the Bible on? Yeah. The Gutenberg Bible. Okay. All right. Am I wrong? No. That sounds right. Steve Gutenberg. Police Academy. It's not Guggenheim. That's a museum. Have you seen that film? That one I've seen but I don't remember any of it. Oh, it's very good. What movie? Police Academy. Oh, yeah. I'm not a big film. You know, I wish I don't have any like hobbies. Really? You like history. Just 1970s. You like Russia. Yeah. But I kind of lie my way through the facts anyway. That's what history is. I just kind of make up a story. I make up a story of what I think happened. That's what history is. That's history. Yeah. Yeah. History is just who's the best at storytelling and then they tell you what happened with a little bit of flair and.

Yeah. You ever like listen to like America's enemies tell the story about the war that we learned. It's always completely different. Yeah. First of all, it's not even in English at the time. Yeah. You ever hear a Vietnamese guy talk about the Vietnam War? Yeah. I'm like, what is this? I can't understand what the hell he's talking about. What the fuck is this guy talking about? First of all, put your clothes on. You're making that up. You're making that up. You're completely naked wearing flip flops screaming at me. I don't know how things operate in Vietnam. Over here, we put on shorts at least. We've talked about it before but you should see this documentary, The Act of Killing. What's that about? It's about like these Indonesian death squads. Basically,

the Nazis won there. So they like they did the Holocaust and then the Nazis won and then so they like remember like just like butchering like. Right. Yeah. They just follow all these guys that were like like basically warlords that murdered a bunch of people and so the documentaries going around and they're like local celebrities. Right. And they're like, yeah you know so this is where we reloaded them all into this van and then like hook the exhaust up to the window and gas 15 people right there on that corner. And before the war broke out, they all like sold tickets to like movies. Like they were all scalping tickets. Okay. And so they all like were watching American films and so they all like dress like Ginzo's. They all like they

think they're like John Travolta. Right. They're like so they dress like they're in good fellas but they're also like Indonesian like fucking you know you know killed thousands of people. How long ago? This is like in the 60s. Oh, when they had fun. So anyway, so they so this American guy goes and he's like I want to make a film about your great victories and so he has them reenact like they're like you know death squad like killings and then there's like a scene there's like a moment where the guy realizes he's like I'm going to hell aren't I? Yeah and final scene the guy's like he's just he's like showing them the top of this restaurant where he executed a bunch of people and then he's like thinking about it for a second and then he just

starts like dry heaving and like you know almost throwing up because he's like oh yeah I murdered all these fucking people. Well but why did that revelation happen like right then and there? Because it probably happened like well think about what he just called it. Think about our country. We did that to the to the Native Americans right and like we don't think of it as like a great national shame. Yeah but we didn't do it. I didn't do it. Yeah I didn't do anything. Yeah. You're fucking you're you're doing that thing where it's like I'm now got to pay for something that happened 200 years ago. Oh my god. I'm fathering Puerto Rican kids what else do you want me to fucking do? So am I. I came up with the Cleveland steamers. Exactly. That was a great idea.

That was a great idea. It's a joke that's probably been made 10 billion times. Do you feel like a AJ Soprano when he's dating the Puerto Rican girl he goes to the Puerto Rican Day Parade he's got all the flags and stuff. Do you remember that episode? Yeah they're my kids that's so cool. Do you go to Puerto Rico? Yeah well I went one time last year but we didn't go to like like my girlfriend's family's village. I fucking went to the Ritz Carlton in Dorado. Oh okay. I'm not going there. Yeah. She's like but that's my heritage. I was gonna ask did you go to the jungle I guess. No really. You didn't go to the village. No dude I fucking went in the pool with my shirt on. See I would go right to the jungle. I would meet Baloo and Sue's Plain and

hang out with him. I didn't step foot into that village. I would love it if my girlfriend was a villager. San Juan's great. It's such a nice vacation to go to San Juan. San Juan is nice. I landed and we landed in San Juan and then we got right in a van and went to the resort. So we didn't really go. I didn't really go to Puerto Rico. I went to an American beach. You went to a hotel. Yeah I went to a hotel like everything's propped up and they were like look at the village but then a mile behind the Ritz Carlton was like you know Indonesian killings probably very bad but I don't know. Yeah so I went to Puerto Rico but yeah I was in Puerto Rico before me and Lewis were friends and before like there was like a six-month period before me and

Lewis were actually friends where I would just like lock him on social media or like fucking the rattlesnake. It was periscopes and like him a hard time. Yeah just for no reason. But no rainy we get really mad. Yeah I was like I would go I was going around calling myself the Puerto Puerto Rican rattlesnake. Yeah yeah smart. He did not like that. Oh yeah. He took that serious. Yeah no I went to Puerto Rico and there was a somebody had a license plate that was just because everybody speaks Spanish. Right. So nobody like he just it was just the issued license plate from the DMV that was gay 182 and I was like oh I found Lewis's car. Right. I like tagged him in it and he was like do you want to fucking die. He sent that to me. He's like bro do you want to fucking die.

Do you want to die. But now you guys are friends. We had one night where we just did cocaine and then hung out. Yeah. I never did that either. Yeah. You never did Coke. No. But you did still. It's the same. That's the thing is like but I want to start doing some of that stuff like the mushroom with the ayahuasca. It's not the same as Coke. You think I have to do Coke. No Coke is stupid. You've done it. I'd say acid if you haven't done it you should do it at least once. You've done it. Yeah. Like a lot. Not a lot but I've done it and it's I think it's great and it's a great deal. It's like fucking eight dollars. I really think the only good drugs are like hard drugs. Right. What's the heart. You've done them all. I've done a decent amount of heroin. Yes. I've

done heroin. Injected. No. Never. I think once you do that once you're injected it's like he was doing it at like middle school. Not middle school. I mean I was like 17. I did and when I said I've done like a handful of times. Okay but what was the what was it when you did it when you I guess do you smoke it then? No you snored it. So then what happens to like what what did you feel what was it? You just get like I'm trying to think what's like the like you know when you take go to like a sauna or something. Yeah. Like a hot tub. You know if you're just really relaxed everything there's like no stress. Okay. You're just sort of heavy and you should do it. That's what you felt. But that times like 150. Okay. It's like you're just you're like melting. But how did you not get

addicted to it then? They say you always everybody does. How did you not? Well I mean for like lack of access. I mean as a teenager and like oh if it was around like friends had some it's like I'll try it out but and then I mean I guess I've done pills but never if I if I had if I had access to opiates the way like you can just go to the store and buy alcohol then absolutely. I mean I feel like a lot a lot more people would be addicted. Right. Brace told me that once you're addicted you're just doing it to not get sick. You're not even getting high really. Yeah. Yeah. Like you just need to like get right but it's not like you're not feeling like you do if you're like just do it. Yeah. Blow sucks but after the second year of the pandemic it was just fucking everywhere.

So there was nothing going on. We were doing cocaine every single day. Because what else were you doing? No we weren't. We were doing what? Yeah. Huh? See that's the thing I think I didn't do it. Cocas just have three more beers. Yeah. That's that's it. Acid is like acid is like I laugh the whole time I do it. You do with your buds. Does anything open up like spiritually like that stuff? Genuinely it's like really corny to say but genuinely I leave it with like thinking about things and then kind of taking away like a lesson. Always right. And there's no legal dosage of acid that you can overdose on right. I don't think you can I don't think they have. No but I wouldn't take like five hits. Yeah but acid is also it was like invented by the

government to do mind control. Right. You know it's not like. But it was like they were just throwing pasta at a wall. Yeah but it worked. Charles Manson. Right. Yeah yeah. That was the MK Ultra guy. That was yeah. Whoever killed Kennedy was probably mind control. Yes she Teshawitz killed Kennedy. Yeah because yeah because I'm interested in doing I went through a lot of my life I guess growing up more with conservative more conservative parents where I was like you don't do drugs. You can drink all the alcohol you want but you don't do drugs. Well drugs are lame. I mean it's honestly. I want to do them now. Yeah don't yet. I wouldn't. I don't I've never had on any kind of hallucinogenic like any kind of like spiritual experience. No mushrooms night. Most of

the time I've ever done mushrooms. The best I felt is like good for me. I'm not like freaking out or having a bad. I've had an opposite where you have freaked out on mushrooms. I've had a couple like really bad. It's in and out. So like you know like there was one time I did mushrooms with friends and then for whatever reason I was like let's watch Super Jail. I made them put on Super Jail. I don't know if you've seen that show. Never seen it. But the animations it's like just violent and it's like it's even watching it not fucked up. It's kind of like. Obviously that's a super jar. Yes. And then I had to go lay down in another room and then put on the toon town scene from Roger Rabbit. That I've seen. Yeah come back from it. No anytime I've done had a bad trip on mushrooms

I just convinced myself that everyone hates me. My parents hate me. Everyone. But that's true. No it's not true actually. It's just a paranoia that you have to make you have to make right with yourself. You have to use drugs. You're one of those guys like you look like. Yeah. Be like oh you know this guy you know I should not like him or like an unlike you have an unlikeable look. But I was thinking that about you. Yeah. But that's why I was getting to that. What is I think we both have we both surprise people with our personalities. Because you have like a sensitivity about you. Right. I could tell. And you're and you're not. I thought you were like a you know like a liberal like woman homosexual and you're not though. You're not at all. You're like the

opposite. But that's true. Rachel Maddow is like that too. You hang out Rachel Maddow in person. She's fucking in this fucking. Yeah. She does that. CHI. Yeah. They all are like that. She finger pops. Yeah. Randos. She talks about how much pussy she gets all the time. Yeah. She's constantly. I believe it. Yeah. Most people are like that. Yeah. I believe it all. No. You're a good guy man. Yeah. You're a good guy too. And you're one of the and and yeah. And I know ball. I'm a misogynist. Right. Yeah. Oh you know ball. Yeah. Yeah. Basketball mostly baseball football all balls. All balls but not so much football and baseball anymore. But I like going to baseball same. It's nice to go. What was the trampoline basketball called again slam ball slam ball.

That should that should have gotten bigger. Yeah. No I'm mainly you know it's you know it started that is rap rock that came up with rap rock and then there was this thing where like we got to combine everything everything. Yeah. Yeah. Mashup culture. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What what your point guard. Yeah. What was your game distribution. There's a long ball. No shooting threes threes threes. That's that's white excellence. That's it baby. Yeah. I would shoot threes. And Jim Bayhine the legendary coach of Syracuse Syracuse. He told me at this basketball camp the Eastern Invitational Basketball Camp he said I feel really bad for you. I was like why he was like because you have a division one jump shot in a division three kids body. So you're not going

to make you're not going to make it at all. Were you six flat six foot. Yeah. So it's not you're not going you're not you can't play college basketball. I'm small. Right. And then a casting director told me like 15 years later that take your shirt off. Well he said he goes I feel bad for you. He goes because you're like yeah yeah you ever meet a boy before. Yeah. He told me he was like you have leading man face and best friend body. So you're not going to make it. And I was like you should have punched him in the foot. You know what they told me I was too short for fucking Red Dead Redemption two for voice acting. I did motion like they would have been motion catch. Yeah. I went to the audition and they were like yeah that was great but

you're probably like too short. I'm like it's a video game. Yeah. Just do the fucking just scroll scroll me. You know you're small. You're small and and light but strong. You'd be a good like F1 driver. That's what you'd be good at. I would be a good video game character. No no. I'm back to be Mario easily. You can put me. I have the perfect body type for motion capture and put me in the Xbox. That's all I want. Yeah. I just want to live in there. Yeah. And they told me I somehow I'm too short to be. Do you eat like once a day. Do you not eat that much. No I eat pretty frequently. Yeah I'm vegan. So I'm okay. So that's how you stay sitting shit all the time. Right. Yeah. And what was the decision to go vegan didn't come after drugs. Well that's relatively recent.

It makes massive life. Me and Racine were in Chicago and we had both like just felt like shit for me. One day Racine was like yeah you want to go to sweet green. I'm like yeah fucking let's go to sweet green. And then I was like what if I just did this all the time forever. And then I had to for when I started being vegan I mean the first couple days was just going to sweet green like twice a day. And that's all you ate. Yeah it was like a Subway Jarrod thing. And then I guess it's like I mean there is I don't know if I've made this argument probably I just sounded an argument probably but like I guess I kind of always like bought the idea that like there's no ethical like argument for eating animals right like factory farming spot that you could say. Especially like

pigs and cows. But I'm not doing that you know. There's other people say oh well you know like if you like the soybean farms they have to that like you know like cows all these animals or whatever. It's like yeah well so do the fucking you know like all the like that then your arguments again factory farming not necessarily eating it. The only point I make is this is that I know I guess I always there's bought the argument that it's unethical to do it. Okay. But I always thought it was too much of a hassle to not. So it's like okay I'll do the best I can. And then I started doing it and it was really easy. And so I think it's like the same thing to me. It's literally in my head occupies the same space as like not misgendering trans people where it takes zero effort

and it's like it's probably the better choice. So then I'll do that just because it's like it's easy. Do you cheese? No to not misgender trans people. So it's the same thing. So like not going up to like a and I don't care I'm not like a trans activist but I'm not going to go up to like a trans person and be like hey are you? Hey fella. Trans activist? Yeah. I don't think you should be an asshole to people who shouldn't hurt their feelings. Yeah. If they want you to do something just do I mean it's not gonna doesn't have any effect on me. So the short answer is I do the vegan stuff for ethical reasons but only because it doesn't require much of me. Do you feel like when you take shits they're S shaped? Uh no never. That's exciting because it's a sign of

good like in Chinese like a religion. Yes your S shits. It was a confusion. Yeah well Ni Hao in Chinese it means many S shits to you. What's your like what are your tics? What are your weirdest like habits? You probably have some strange. Biting my toenails. You bite your toenails. You can do that? Yeah. Really? That's like a sort of a vegan flexibility. Yeah. That is kind of like a yoga. I got long feet. Yeah. Uh that um. They don't reach to your head. No but I can't. They got a bunch of other joints. See you just did it. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if my hips are tight. I don't know if I can get up there. I do that. Um what else do I do? I take um I take uh a lot of cough medicine. Oh DSS. You do do drugs. I guess in a way I take cough medicine like five or six

times a week. That's really. What? I take my kids I don't know. I take my kids like children's dime attempt to wait. Well that just tastes good. That's why I think I just kind of tasted it. But do you vibe out to it? You take it and you're like moving. I don't even know what it does to me. It's almost like having a cup of coffee now. Like I just take a teaspoon full of children's dime attempt. That stuff is bad for you. Because that's in the same class of drugs as like PCP and ketamine. So then you're so then you're right. I am doing drugs. Yeah you're getting wet every day. Oh yeah that's what I do. I remember I did it once freshman year at college and my dick got so small. Yeah. And it was like my dick's never coming back. It's going to be just tiny for the

rest of my life. I fucked up my dick. Yeah that's what I was like and you can't move. You're like you have to walk along the wall. You walk weird. You feel like you're on the moon. It's a really stupid way to get high. Yeah it is. I knew a kid that got circumcised at 19 years old. It's fucking wild dude. Was it like a Native American writer passage thing? No he did it for his girlfriend. For his girlfriend at the time because she didn't like that he had skin on his cock. They gotta stop telling us what to do. I'm sorry. That's it. Then she dumped him. She dumped him like a week or two later and he just had a bandage dick. That's crazy. You know about those like tribes in the Amazon that they have like a writer passage where you have to stick

your like a dick in the like a bullet ant. Yeah. Fucking like a gourd filled with bullet. Yeah. Or what about the ones where they thought to cure AIDS they would fuck babies. Yeah. That was a sick one dude. Again one of the all time like dubs of a normally a dark horse in society is like the pedophile that convinced people that that was the way to get rid of AIDS. Yeah. You know because imagine that play. Imagine you're like a pedophile and you're like I was going to be a long shot because if I say this they're going to know I'm a pedophile. Right. But if I'm right if I get them to do it that's like it's like he Michael Mann should make a movie about that guy. Yeah. Fuck Ferrari. No Enzo Ferrari. The next Michael Mann movie should be about the guy that

convinced the pedophile that convinced people to fuck babies. It's kind of like Freud like Freud clearly just wanted to fuck the shit out of his mom and then he said that all guys want to fuck the shit out of their moms. Right. So he just like made his thing normal. Fucking your mom has got to be that is more vile than pedophilia. You're not Italian. You're not Italian. You're not Italian. That's the that's the most German thing you've ever said. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. I say wow that 23 in me shit is real because the the Wops and and us fellows the J boys were in love with our mothers. But to fuck you want to fuck them. There was some comic. Of course. No not like do you know that guy Andrew Short. Do you remember him. Oh yeah. Yeah. Shultz. No Andrew Short. I

don't he like disappeared. He did used to do comedy in New York. Yeah. Andrew Short. He was he was good. He was. He had a tweet one time that said Valentine's Day or Mother's Day is just Valentine's Day for Italians. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. That always made me chuckle. It's probably one of my favorite tweets ever. So did you retweet it. I'm sure I did. There you go. She got a show left. Yeah. I remember getting a Nick Mullen retweet back in the day felt like flying. I was like wow I got 40 likes. I was like I feel like a I feel like a Tila tequila. I feel like an internet sensation. Nazi. Yeah. She became a Nazi. Some scandal. Oh damn. She she lost her mind. She had a like a like a bruntman or like some really like like old money

family. She dated one of the daughters and then the daughter died suddenly. I've just read the Tila tequila Wikipedia recently and then I watched the porn real quick. We got to you got to get out of here. You got to go. You got to go to fight. What time is it? Did he face time back? 249. No, he didn't dude. Did he right? Take us home. Anyway, thanks for joining us this week on the Adam Friedland show everybody. Salt Lake City this weekend Dallas Friday Saturday is Fort Worth Friday Saturday and go see Chrissy at San Antonio April 13th and then September 23rd the Hulu Theater at Madison Square Garden. Unreal. Thank you so much for joining us. The man fantastic. The best guy. So much Chris from multi-santi multi-santi and Dave. Are the lights broken? Do the light thing.