The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. X01 – TAFS Test Episode

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

101 pushed to next week due to corona virus. Stay tuned.

Ladies and gentlemen, the latest, right-wing fascist comedian Adam Friedland, Zionist, racist, also number one America's most racist comedian. That's not true. Take these topics and we get down to business. Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Friedland. Hello. Welcome to come town. No, this is Adam Friedland. It's I don't know about what I don't know why it has to be my name. I don't know. It's Nick and Adam. No, I told you I'm moving back into a producer role. I'm working the board. I'm doing that. I told you if I'm sticking around, I'm producing the thing. I told you what I told you how it was going to be. I don't know. I mean, I think just you know, this is the Dark Alliance. There were three and now there are two. And

the Dark Alliance creates a brand new different product. Okay, you can't look. Listen, we can't look back. We can only look. You know what you're doing right now? What? You're chasing waterfalls. I know. I have to look to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to that I'm used to. And one of those is, uh, you know, that's what that whole song's about. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. The River Jordan. Right. Don't go chasing waterfalls. Yeah. Well, welcome, Nick. This is, I guess the first episode of the Adam Friedland show. Yeah. This is one on one. Actually, I'll tell you what, I got COVID. You're testing negative, but you're sick. My girlfriend also has COVID, which is lead leading me to believe that there's

something nefarious going on. What do you mean? In the background. I don't know. You guys both have COVID, but I don't. Yeah. And I don't understand how the CDC is saying game and, um, or getting monkeypox. Maybe there's a thing where the new COVID you only get if you're, um, if you have like brown eyes, I don't know. My girlfriend has blue eyes. Well, maybe that, maybe she's an exception. I don't know about that either. Honestly, last week or two weeks ago when I got food poisoning, I looked up monkeypox and I was like, maybe I got it. Yeah. And, uh, apparently there's like a lesions on the asshole. So, uh, I don't think monkeys, monkeys really love doing just wild stuff with their ass. Really? It's true.

It's funny cause it's like monkeys are so similar to us in it from an evolutionary standpoint, but the one area in their universe where they're like, let's try something different from the humans. It's always asshole related. Yeah. Well, we took that from them. We have normal assholes that are hidden behind cheeks. A monkey's that monkeys, whole posture is set up to show off its asshole. And they're proud of their ass. They're just swollen constantly. That's a secondary sex characteristic for baboons is the male has a big juicy red asshole. And that's, that's what gets him pussy, I guess. Yeah. Right. You can go to the zoo. You can go to the Bronx zoo right now. By the way, folks, this show is brought to you by

the World Conservation Society. Yes, it is. Uh, the Adam Friedland show is a proud sponsor of the World Conservation Society. This is actually, this is actually an old school type of Hollywood conservative show where we're environmentalists. We're like Teddy Roosevelt. We're environmentalists. We're anti-war. Uh huh. We're pro, we're pro drug use. We're isolationists. Yeah. We're isolationists. Um, this is like basically what John Wayne was. Is that what he was? I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea either. Yeah. When Ronald Reagan was before he went into politics, he was a, a cock, basically. Yeah. So it's, yeah, it's more like a cock style Nancy. Nancy. Could you just come out here?

Right. Anyway, that started auto playing on my YouTube, which one? I was like trying to fall asleep when I had a fever the other night. Ronald Reagan's debate with Jimmy Carter in 1980. What, what, uh, were there any highlights or anything like that? No, it is, it's, it was a very stupid debate too. What were the issues? They're like, they're like, Mr. Reagan, can you clarify your foreign policy? And he's like, well, I don't know exactly what my foreign policy is. I just know what Mr. Carter has said about it. And I can tell you that what any policy should be any good policy is the number one issue should be world peace. Yeah, it's like a beauty pageant. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. And the use of force should only be

a last resort and only in the instance that the United States of America is under threat. That's pretty good. Yeah, I could vote for that. Honestly, the GIP. Yeah. I don't know. And then he won and he tanked the economy or continued tanking. He tanked the economy. Yeah. He got the, he got the hostages out though. That was the big thing. He continued to take the economy and then he still won anyway. So people, everybody's saying that Biden can't win again. Just wait. When do you see how good they get at rigging the votes this time? Yeah, we're going to have to do it because the girls are going to make us do it because of Roe v. Wade. Yeah, this little Michael and Dell is going to need two pillows

to sleep out of that shit. What's Biden gets? Once his ass is this going to need three pillows. Yeah. So we just, we both got COVID. We were both at Carolines this weekend. Thank you for it was actually normal. Norman. I'm pretty sure had COVID. Norman Wilkerson from who was visiting. He stayed on my couch. He had COVID. I thought you said you got it from Tim Dillon. I asked him, Tim said he's better now. Tim just had a mild cough. Norman's been very sick, but he's been testing negative. So maybe Norman. Fuck my girlfriend. Maybe. I don't know. It's annoying because I can't take a lift over here. I had to give up my parking spot to drive. I know you're like, you're fucking like, uh, you freak out over

losing a parking spot for like, uh, that's how that's the reason to have a car. I just, I just want an opportunity to signal to the listeners that, uh, I'm a good guy who did not take a lift over here despite having the fake Wuhan disease. Despite the fact that you pose no risks to the driver's life. Yeah, of course. I mean, it's just, it literally is just a cold. I know. Yeah. And it's literally something we're going to have to get every six months. I guess at this point, which I kind of did with colds anyways. I think that's what a cold was. Yeah. It's just a new kind of cold where you're like sicker for one day. Yeah. And old people. People are like, what about long COVID? It's like, what about the

odds that I'll kill myself anyway? Yeah. Exactly. You know, that's pretty high too. Check and mate there. What about, yeah, what about inflation? What about, what about white men losing their power in this country? The real pandemic. Yeah. And I know what you're thinking. You said you were just going to be a producer. Why are you? It seems like you're, you're taking an active role as a producer, kind of a Dick Cheney style role. Yeah. Yeah, maybe kind of, but also kind of just in the, in the center this time. But that's what people wanted. I don't know what my foreign policy is actually. In fact, I don't even know where I am. Nancy started seeing a psych, a psychic that apparently once he had like full blown dementia was making

like state decisions. Really? Yeah. Like the Greek system. I don't know. What's the Greek system? They had an oracle that would. Yeah. It's kind of an oracle at Delphi situation. Yeah. Mentally ill person. Yeah. Just some guys like huffing methane. Yeah. Yeah. Some guy outside of jam bed and concert just doing ice cold fatties. I'm glad we can disparage the Mediterranean cultures now. Yeah, I know. We really had to hold back last time around trapped in that prison and not being able to besmirch Mediterranean culture. Well, you know, we were all been holding this show back for years. It has. It's true. Yeah. But this is a different show by the olive coated hand. The Adam Friedland show. Let's listen to that

intro song. No, let's hear it again. It's bad. Thanks, man. Where'd you get that riff? Mark Maron? I put it all together myself. You made the riff. I'm the I made this whole thing. I thought you played the electric guitar. Yeah, I went out. Yeah, play. I got an electric guitar today. I went to guitar center with the with the Corona virus like royalty free music loops. Yeah, I want to get like a nice little like that like that like dick don't work kind of conservative style radio show. Yeah, you know, where it's like you can't fuck your wife anymore, but you got a boat. I love that. That's that's who we've already become. Yeah. In our, in our mid to early thirties. So you following this January six

commission stuff, January six. We're now going to. Okay. So you know what I'm telling you what scrap one on one. This is no longer episode one on one. No, it's not show what we're doing now. We had plans that have been scrapped that we've had. So this is production meeting number two. We're not even saying that as a lie. We're not. Yeah, we're not. We had to push back the plans that we the plans that we were excited for this week. Yeah, we do have plans. So this is another plenary commission. We were gonna say should we go through the monologue today or just say fuck it and we'll we'll go we'll go next time when everything's set up right because usually should we say what it is what we're

planning or no. Should it be a surprise? Well, I think somebody's gonna call the police if we don't happen. You don't have to do a joke about how we're gonna do an illegal thing. We're gonna. Oh, that's right. That's for the show in humor. That's it. Yeah, you know what? Fuck it. No more irony. Now this is a fully sincere show. Yeah, it's true. But the problem is we're gonna listen to songs that make us cry. If you ask me what my actual opinions are, I have to tell you, I'm not sure what my policy is. I just know bad things that people say. I just know what the criticisms of me are and I lean into them. Yeah, you're kind of fueled. Yeah, I just I know how to set the tone for the Republican Party for

the next 40 years. Spite is a powerful motive. We'll use we'll use my charisma to win the office based on nothing force the Democrats to become the real races. And then we'll just focus on being as evil as possible. Did they lock Trump in the car? Is that what's coming out? No, he tried to hijack his own limousine. Yeah, and he couldn't get the door open. Well, this is that's what Cassidy Hutchinson said. Who is that? A perfect question, Adam. Who is that? This lady comes out of nowhere. She said they tried to lock. Here's one of my monologue jokes. I was here. Let's hear it. Well, you'll have to say it. I'll say it first, then you do it. Your voice. They'll say it's copying, but I'll do it. I'm producing

the show. All right. All right, let's hear it. Cassidy Hutchinson said that Donald Trump tried to hijack his own limousine. A story so unbelievable that some folks are asking, is this a stretch limousine? I think it's pretty good. Perhaps. Yeah, a stretch stretching the truth. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty good. Thanks. Wait, but who was she? She worked for Trump or something? Yeah, I've been calling her butch Cassidy. I haven't seen this lady, but if she disagrees with the president, she must be a lesbian of some sort. If she disagrees with the true president, yeah, well first for starters, we'll call her a lesbian. The president that God gave us while while insisting that women like Sarah Huckabee Sanders are

gorgeous. She is quite the quite the lady. Can you imagine having sex with her? Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Yeah. Oh my God. Imagine what her eyeballs would be doing. She's like a Felix clock. Just bouncing around and just getting absolutely mopped off. It's like yeah. I ball. Her eyeballs would look like you know when you get an extra ball on a pinball machine and they spit that shit out and then they're both fucking. She's just googly eyes sucking your dick with the fuck. Imagine her hands. Yeah. Imagine her fucking fat hands wrapped around your cock. Yeah. Well, she's bopping you off with her eyes protruding. Yeah. It's actually pretty hot. Does she have fat hands? She seems like she'd have some pretty

fat hands kind of Augustus Gloop style hands. Who is this guy? They got this guy where this guy. Do you see him right here? The rent is too damn high guy. Yeah. What's he doing? I don't know. He's testifying before Congress. Why are we still talking about Trump? We just got rid of fucking Roe v Wade. That's my take. Enough is enough. What is that car that he got locked in the beast? Is that what they call it? He got locked into a car. Yeah. What's his story? I don't know. He tried to get he tried to get out of the limousine so he could kill pants according to this bitch. But he's in that. Yeah, he's in that fucking. I don't know. I guess they put on the kid locks on the back so he can't get out of that kid.

That's the only thing that saved John Rambo slash Donald Trump from murdering Mike Pence with his own hands was the fucking child lock. What he wanted to do is he wanted to take the car to go to the capital riot by himself. Sorry. Hold on. No, I've got another. What is that? Just bullshit. More bullshit. Just more bullshit every day. Anyway, guys, I don't fucking know, dude. So yeah, he was in the beast and apparently like the Secret Service just locked him in. I was trying to get out to help the mentally retarded people descending on the cap. What did he think was going to happen? He was going to go there and then he would like lead the charge. His big ass going up the capital steps. That would have

been amazing. They should let that happen. Let it happen if only for the historical paintings of the event where you see his just the wind blowing in his big ass. It would have been like just his big act like an oil just ban garrison paint that like fucking Washington crossing the Delaware with a bunch of incredible. Yeah. Why did they stop that dude? Stop him from what from killing Mike Pence who's hiding in like a bathroom? Were any of those like nooses functional? The gallows that they brought? I didn't know about the nooses. I don't know. There's that one picture of the nooses. Honestly, I shouldn't have. As the producer, it was my job to watch this January 6 shit. Honestly, I've been knocked out. Yeah. I've been watched.

I tried to start Yellowstone. I texted you. Actually, I had COVID when we did the last production meeting. Did you? I had COVID on Sunday. Yeah, I was sick on Sunday. Yeah, I remember that. You're like, I need to get home. I feel like shit. And then we did the show. Yeah. And I was almost fucking. I was like sweating. Yeah. And then that was my day yesterday. I had that one day after you. I was like sweating out in bed and sleeping all day. Yeah. And then the day after that, that's when I was like, Oh, fuck. That's one. I was like, maybe it's coronavirus. I got I had that. And then I was like, I'm and then my girlfriend tested positive. And I was like, I was like, I better get into Yellowstone

and ignore the clear signs that both Nick and my girlfriend got it and what that could mean. And Norman Wilkerson, for that matter, kind of a devil's three way between the two of you. Yeah. And my queen. Yeah, really. Well, Norman's testing negative. So far, it's only me and your girlfriend. Well, I don't believe it. What? He came to New York, dude. Well, he's saying that maybe he gets a different type of tests in Virginia. They have Virginia and tests that's just coming to pack of cigarettes. Yeah, that's true. Marlboro, Philip Morris style. Hello smoking down there. You know, I saw in Portland who Blake, our old friend Blake, good time. Yeah, a good time. Is he off of crack? He's off of crack now. Yeah.

But still smoking and drinking, which well, I guess if you can cut out the crack, that's a good middle ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is his body looking better? He looks exactly the same. He has the funniest body because he's like he wears cut off shirts like at the sleeve like he's a strong fat guy. Yeah, but he's got a fat torso. He looks like Homer Simpson kind of weak arms. Yeah, right. He doesn't have it like he's like, oh, I'm fat, but I also do CrossFit. Yeah, but he has that aesthetic. That's pretty funny. Yeah, it's a great look to shout out Blake from page 99. So I guess we get we should get into it. We've done enough chit chatting. We need to figure out what the plan is for the Adam

Friedland show. I know. So number one, guys, and this is going to be I know if you've made it this far, and you're like this, why, why, why is come town different? Mm hmm. Why isn't the same sure was right? Look, kid, grow up. Yeah, grow up. Shit changes. All right. Yeah, people leave sometimes your stepdad find some better pussy leaves. And then you got to deal with your mom's new stepdad. We didn't even get a new one. No, I'm saying the come town was the original stepdad. That's true. The new stepdad is the Adam Friedland show who doesn't hit you or fuck your mom in the litter. He's a Democrat. But he's Yeah, he's the like psychiatrist on the sopranos. Not Peter Bogdanovich. Yes, milky psychiatrist. No, the fucking

the member like the teacher or something. Yeah, she like almost cheats. Oh, the guy from Columbia, the Yeah, yeah. Or no, the teacher from Anthony School. Yeah, that guy. That guy. Yeah, that's what the Adam Friedland he's still he's still Italian, but he he won't get his hands dirty. Come town was Tony. So imagine the sopranos come down. It's not a good pitch. It's not a good guy. I don't think the audience. The Adam Friedland show was like, I don't think the audience would like that. Let's see a whole show about the guy from the Anthony School. The guy who almost got pussy off. Why don't we have a whole show about that? Uh huh. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know if that's a if that's a very

strong pitch. Here's what's going to happen, folks. You guys might be fans of certain shows like the Tim Dillon show, the Joe Rogan experience. That is the pivot that we are going to make. We're going to make a pivot to a studio and a video based podcast. Yeah, not something that you could listen to on an iPod. No, we will be getting a studio for real. We will be getting a studio and we will be building a set that will look very similar. You're going to say, well, how does that make the show any better? The answer is it doesn't know, but when you use YouTube and do that, apparently there's more money to be apparently you can make a lot more money that way. And so as you you you ride the dying horse off

into the sunset, I don't know if it's dying. I think it's just it's just coming out of the closet. Where's my thing? Who is coming out of the car? The horse. I don't think horses gain. I don't think horses do that. Yeah, it can be. I don't think horses have sexuality. I think they only fuck humans. They only fuck white women. Well, they fucked a male or female humans. Yeah. I don't know. I think there's that one guy who horses. I've never seen horses fuck. I'm pretty sure they're all artificially inseminated. I have seen horses fuck. They mount each other. Oh, where on the reservation? Yeah, on the reservation that your family owned. You don't own that they have their own tribal laws. Yeah. But

I mean, they quote unquote, they own it. Right. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The Native Americans own this. It's so condescending. No, they have they elect a chief. His name is more to hide. Reservations have got to be the most condescending insulting form of life, right sovereign land in the entire history of the world. Yeah, we say we say, listen, we took away the whole country. We'll give you a little bit. Yeah. And you can sell any type of fireworks that you want. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And you can have casinos and you can drink yourselves to death. Yeah, you can get diabetes. You can get a foot chopped off. Hey, can we have a reservation in Central Park? No chance. No way. Where's it going to be

at the bottom of the Grand Canyon? That's right. The hot, the hottest place in the United States. Yeah, we're going to find a hole. We're going to find a literal hole. We're going to give you an arid piece of land that nothing can grow on lining the walls of the mouth of a volcano. That's where your reservation is going to be. And you can make fucking wampum purses to sell the tourists. You can do your your gay dances there. But don't worry. We'll get really mad if a team names themselves a reference to you. No, we'll stop that. We'll stop that. We're going to cut that out. Yeah, that would be fucked up. Yeah. To make a comment about the color of your skin. The Adam Friedland show is going to be a hit on reservations.

Oh, I think so too. We got to start thinking about demos. Have you ever met a Native American? Yeah, a million times. Really? Yeah, of course. I don't think I have. Really? I mean, I don't think so. I've met probably every Native American there is. Really? Well, they come to you in your dreams. Oh, they do. That's right. Yeah. You're like, how's it going? Hey, Nick. I live in South Dakota. Yeah. My name is Raincoat Bubblegum. Can I have $17? They beg? My Venmo is Raincoat Bubblegum 22. Can you please send me $17? Thank you. Enjoy the rest of your dreams, folks. Oh, they just like come in. Yeah, they just sort of broadcast. They don't give you like a warning, like an ominous warning about your future or anything.

No, no, no. They kind of just, you know, they don't really know how to do that anymore. They just broadcast into the dreams. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know that. That sounds pretty bad ass, honestly. I don't think. What do you tell the audience about your dreams? Oh, that's dream corner. That's going to be pretty bad. You know, Adam's pillow. A lot of a lot of nightmares, especially in the last two weeks, pillow talk. So first five minutes are going to be we're going to do something a little different. Kimmel, Conan, they do what? Probably probably about two minutes of monologue. Right. We're going to go 15 minutes of monologue. Yeah. A full 15 minutes. And from there, we're going to transfer immediately

to Adam's pillow talk where you talk about your dreams. So, um, and then we bring on our first guest. It's a big recurring dream. I've been having recently is that I'm in a car, but I'm from passenger seat and a man has a gun. Yeah. And he's a it's a forced homosexuality type situation. Uh-huh. And you said that's a dream, not a nightmare. Well, I think, you know, they're basically part of the same category. But would you describe that as a nightmare or a dream? Oh, it's a scary dream. So it's a nightmare. A nightmare. Yeah. So do you have, you would say it's a homophobic dream you're having? No, it wouldn't be homophobic. Well, it's quite literally homophobia. You're describing a homosexual

act and saying it's scary. It's more homophobic than calling somebody the F slur. No, I don't know. I wouldn't say that. No, I wouldn't say that. No, I wouldn't say that. No, no, it's not a fear of homosexuality. It is a deep rooted homophobia. No, no, the forced homosexuality would be more of a fear. I suppose like a public humiliation. Now, I don't know why this hit me, but you told me that and how I visualize the dream. It's happening in like the 1940s. Yeah. Kind of Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I'm I'm going to plume it. It's an old Buick. Yeah, a Buick. Yeah. Yeah, yeah something like that. A big AsCar. Big car. Big, big, big, big eigene Bubbly car. Yeah. Big suit. And the guy that's like, you know

the Mom? Yeah. One of those kind of guys and there's their steam coming up from the streets and all went at as nighttime. Yeah. There's a kind of like that, the melancholic kind of jazz sort of playing. Yeah, kind of that kind of vibe. Yeah. Yeah, I know that dream like like a noir style scary dream, and the guy has gone and he says, if you don't perform a... It's James Cagney. Yeah. He makes you suck his dick.

You get out, you stumble out of the car and you run into Humphrey Bogart. Well, you don't... Hey, what the hell's the matter, pal? You look like you just sucked a million dicks. I wouldn't even say it's a homosexual thing. I think, you know, rape isn't... I wouldn't classify it straight or... You know, it's more about power, as they say.

You know, you're forced into it, and he says, if you don't inflate me, then I'm going to crash this... I'm going to shoot you in the head. And so, I just arm him and grab the gun, and I kill him, but the car is still speeding. There's a cliff, and I have to get on this man's lap, and he's still hard, too, with this cock out of his zoot suit, and it's disgusting, but I have to get to the pedals, and I keep reaching for the pedal, but my foot isn't... My leg isn't long enough, so I have to dip beneath the wheel, and the more I try to reach

the pedals, I still can't reach the pedals. I realize there are no pedals, and then the car is speeding towards the abyss, and right before we go over the ledge, I wake up, so that's one of the dreams that I've been having. Just to clarify, this is also in the 1940s. It is in the 1940s. So, it's like, you have the big jaw, and it's like, show us the brakes, pal. Yeah, kind of a road to perdition. Yeah, where the hell are the brakes in this car?

Well, my name is dead, I'm just trying to find the brakes myself. He has his cock out, his head has a hollow point bullet list. So, this is a continuation of the first dream? Yeah, he's trying to force me to suck him. I thought this was the second dream. No, it's all part of the same dream. I don't actually suck him, I'm terrified, and then I wrestle the gun from him. What are some other dreams that you have?

Maybe we can interpret those. I mean, you didn't really interpret this one. Yeah, I said you were a homophobe. It's not homophobic, it's about humiliation. You're a homophobe, which I can't relate to, but you'd like the 1940s, which is something that I think is, you know, it balances out the homophobia, it makes you an alright guy. A real therapist, I tell you, 40s, pretty cool, homophobia, maybe work on that. Kind of a Zeus.

It's not homophobic. It's, okay. Alright. Rape. Interesting. Not wanting to be raped. Hold on, let me get my notebook out. Stop writing.

Stop writing. Why are you writing right now? I don't know. I just don't remember to watch Rave Donovan, you DVR'd the, I'm telling you. Is it a good show? I don't know. I'm just writing down my, these notes are for me. They're not for you.

I thought you were interpreting these dreams. I know, but I multitask am listening to you. I'm also trying to make sure that I don't forget to watch Yellowstone tonight. I started Yellowstone. Oh, you started Yellowstone. Wow, sick. Did you start it? I started, I watched the first episode months ago.

Did you? Yeah. It's kind of like a mini movie. It's like an hour and a half. Yeah. I'm sorry. There's Native Americans in that. There are Native Americans in that.

Yeah. There is a reservation. Yeah. It's probably kind of why you brought it up. Because it's in your subconscious. Mm-hmm. And that's where dreams come from. Yeah.

Yeah. See, I thought, I thought it was going to be a movie, or a TV show about an Asian-American who is also a stone cold Steve Austin. Oh, I would have thought he would be a pot head. No, no, no, no, just, uh, I'm sorry. No, no, we can, we can still do that. That's what people like, dude. That's what people like.

Just do it. Just do it. Just give it. No, come on. This is the Adam Friedland. No, it's not the Adam Friedland show. No, no, Nick. Adam Friedland, Asian stone cold Steve Austin in three, two, one, camera.

You're on. Live. Mm-hmm. So he's, he's very, uh, meek, you'd say, he's, I wouldn't say that Asian people are meek. I was just trying to affect the Chinese accent, which people like on podcast. Sure. So is that how stone cold as an Asian man would sound? No, it'd be brave.

Just like stone cold Steve Austin. So then do that. Um, okay, uh, how about you come down in this ring and I open a can of whoopas. Yeah. Yeah. How about instead of snakes, his arms are just chopsticks. Um, how could I say to you? How about there, but just each one of his arms is one of those big soup spoons they give

you. Those aren't good spoons. I like, I have some. Well, they kind of look like cobras. Yeah, they do. Kind of like, yeah, the Texas rattlesnake. Yeah. Um, yeah, that, no, I mean, his arms are chopsticks.

Did so-called have snakes as arms? He did. Remember that was like a promotional thing. You would have cobras as his arms. Oh yeah. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He's pretty cool guy. But if he was Chinese, he'd be even cooler. Yeah. Yeah. So how about this R Kelly sentencing deck? Yeah. What is there?

Like a John three 16 that's like, uh, that's Chinese. Yeah. Like dog 1997, whatever the Chinese zodiac is. Yeah. That's pretty good. Maybe, um, we could do like, uh, what, what other things was he into? He, uh, he'd, uh, shotgun beers, right? Two at a time.

Yeah. But, uh, instead of beers, they'd be, um, to be hot and sour soup. Yes. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. P P Joe. What's P Joe?

I think that's beer and Chinese. I remember correct. Really? This is what came to my head. Do we have any sponsors today? No, sir. We've lost all the sponsors. We have.

There's an advertising contracts for, for come town. This is the Adam Friedland show. What do you mean? What do you mean? What do I mean? I ran it by the sponsors. I said, no, we're not paying for that. We paid for a different show with the sponsors left us.

The sponsors of all. We have to go back to come down to know we can. Why not? You got to make the Adam Friedland show. It's a brand that we've built over six years. I'm moving on to a new project. I'm the least popular member of come town. All right.

And we're, and this is going to be bigger than come. I've gotten emails belittling the fact that my mother's died. Yeah. There are people out there. Like your dad's an asshole. I don't know why he didn't do it. He was my father. Yeah.

No, no, it was people that I was assume. Listen to the show. Uh-huh. Jay Leno. You want to make fun of me, you little faggot? I heard your mom's dead. Yeah. I'm not firing this off from my Ferrari.

Oh, now you're doing a thing that I would typically do, which is brag about a celebrity that likes the show. You know? Yeah. No, this just happened to be a dead week. As far as ads go, everything dries up in the middle of the summer. Yeah. It's tough for ads in the summer.

Well, it's not tough for ads in the summer. But there's nothing to gamble on. There's baseball, right? Yeah. But nobody gambles on baseball. Uh-huh. What are you, like a guy from the 1940s driving around forced people to suck your dick and... What are you, Mo Green?

You're trying to fix the Chicago Black Sox? Well, this is where you'd have a guess on. So I don't know. Like, you know, let's, I'll do you the favor. I'll come out of the locker room. Okay. No longer in a producer category. Okay.

This is not episode one. This is still planned. So this is going to be a driver. Okay. Until we don't have coronavirus, then, yeah, then this is, okay, you're lucky we're even doing this, pal. All right. Yeah.

I know what you're saying. But some of us are paranoid about the future. Uh-huh. Would you describe yourself as such? I'm not. Would you say the future is a man in a zootsuit pulling up to you and asking you to get in the car? Yeah.

And you don't know what, yeah. I don't think a dream is supposed to be taken literally. Because of the security of the distant past, which is come town, represented by the 1940s, is now approaching you in a way that seems familiar at first. Yeah. But the next thing you know, you got a gun to your head and you're forced to suck dick and you're hurling towards the abyss and you're waiting for the nightmare to end. The abyss is the end of it.

And the only way, the only, the only way for it to end is for you to let it end and find something new born out of it. That's right. Which is the Adam Freedland. Which is the Adam Freedland. I think. Which will be completely different. You're 35 years old.

I know. I am. No more Asians, Stone Cold Steve, whatever that was, whatever that racist thing you just went into. Yeah. It was unnecessary and it would be hurtful to a lot of people. We're not doing that. Probably the most, it would be hurtful to the most people.

Lord knows I contributed plenty to that during my time at come town. But you know what? I'm a worker. Uh-huh. That was the job. You work hard. I'm done. Uh-huh.

This is Hollywood, baby. Yeah. Let's drop it. I'm done with it. That's true. I'm a turncoat. Yeah. Doesn't matter.

Yeah. We're done. To hell with all that. Yeah. You know. Damn it all to hell. Damn every bit of it to hell with it. This show is about, the Adam Freedland show is going to be a show that does what all

the other shows, all the other comedy shows could not do and it's going to stop Donald Trump. Yeah. All the other fashions. Well, for once and for all. And for once and for all. Yeah. The proud boys are marching.

The oath keepers are surrounding them. It is literally not a coincidence that the day that, once we even just start talking about producing the Adam Freedland show. Mm-hmm. January 6th hearings, start turning a little bit south for the Trump camps. I don't know if you've been paying attention to this. Up until this point, basically every testimony has said that Donald Trump did nothing wrong. Yeah.

And then we, they know. They know we're coming, so they need an excuse. That's right. know you're coming. I'm coming. I'm using facts and law. Yeah, so we got it. We got to have guests. It's gonna have to be guests because that's gonna be the new format. We're gonna have we're gonna have guests. It's gonna be 15 minutes of monologue. Yeah. We're gonna talk about your dreams for a little bit. We're gonna interpret them. Dreams or scary dreams. Oh yeah. Which other dreams after you have

any other dreams because we can certainly discuss that for a second. I don't know. Maybe I I'm a little bit embarrassed about the first one that I shared. We'll go maybe second one with Debia. I'm with my girlfriend. We're also in a car. Yeah. She's saying that she's she's hot and bothered. She wants to find a wet. She's wet. Yeah. And she wants to find a place for me to take her to make love. Right. And so we're in the car. We keep trying to find places really hot. The AC has broken. Yeah. Right. And she's berating me because of my driving. Telling me that I drive. Oh you're driving. I'm driving. That's interesting

because I'm trying to find a picture. You and your girlfriend is like babies in the back seat. No. That's not. No. We were not baby. No. I was an adult. And you're being driven around by a babysitter. No. No. You're both too like baby like muppet baby. Very tiny. And my baby girlfriend wants me to have sex with her. And yeah. But you guys are just like so small. You're both in diapers but you're so small that you know you're like both the size of like a package of peanut M&M's on the back seat. Yeah. You know like that size. Each one of you. And there's a monstrous kind of far side 1950s woman babysitter driving the car. Yeah. You only see her ankles. Yeah. Kind

of like muppet babies. Just big ankle. Just big blue cheese ankles with varicose veins all over them. Yeah. Thinly covered by a gossamer pair of stockings. Yeah. Just spilling it. Just fat spilling out of this very pointy scuffed up. Why don't you tell me what my dreams. High heeled shoes. Yeah. I'm interpreting. Okay. Keep going. Yeah. So then she says she's hot. Right. She's like I went to have sex. She wants to have sex. Yeah. So I tell the babysitter to find a place to have sex. Yeah. Go ahead. She's driving around. It's getting hotter and hotter in the car. My girlfriend keeps berating me for not being a man. You look out the window. Not knowing. You look out the window. Yeah. You have to

climb up the window and you can't see the road because you're so tiny. You can only see the horizon. Yeah. Can't see the road. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. We're like we're driving around trying to find a place and can't find a place. Finally we like we're like in the middle of the desert. Right. We stop at like a like a roadside diner. And I said will this do. She's like I guess. And I was like well where should we go. We can't go in the diner. She was like just take me to the bathroom and fuck me. You know. Fuck me like like a man. So I take her. But you're a baby. Yeah. But she wants me to be a man. You know. And you're surrounded. The diner is filled with like same up as baby style things just cowboys.

So it's cowboy boots and stirrups but then their dicks are hanging down between the boots and they're just kind of slapping in between the boots. Yeah. Shuffling. You're trying to you're holding your girlfriend tight trying to make your way to the bathroom with her. Yeah. We're like our foreheads are as we crawl towards the bathroom getting slapped by the dangling massive cowboy cocks. We're trying to avoid the the boots and the the you know the what do you call it. There's a droning sound of like a warship or something. These massive engines. Yeah. You know like. Yeah. And it's louder and louder. And you look outside and the babysitter is getting fucked on the back of the car by one of these cowboys and

the sound is it's like you know it's the sound of war. Yeah. It's it's there's an industrial noise kind of sound of war machines. Yeah. It's very like a razor head kind of David Lynch. You're looking out the window and there's it's like the tint of the window. It's turning more and more red as you're looking out the window. Yeah. And you have to turn away from it because it scares you. So we're in the cowboy diner. We're avoiding the cocks. I'm barely I'm barely holding on to her but I you know I have her in my grasp. We finally get to the bathroom. Yeah. We swing open the you know the cowboy style doors saloon saloon doors that's it. But you walk under them because you're babies. Yeah we're babies so we don't

actually have to swing them over. We sneak underneath and in the bathroom is my entire family. Yeah. They're all they're all morbidly obese. They're all fat. Yeah they're fatter and they smother you. They come around you. They make a circle around you and they start smothering. They say surprise. Yeah. Right. And there's birthday stuff. There's they have birthday stuff. This is happy birthday. It's the 1940s. It's the 1940s. Yeah. They're wearing suits suits. Yeah. They have a big birthday cake. Very fat. It's the 1940s. They're massively fat. Yeah. And there's jazz music playing off of a phonogram. Sure. And it's crackling. You know it's kind of eerie a little bit. Yeah. And she still wants to fuck you know

my entire record machine. That's what scares you to be clear up until this point. No part of the dream is scary until you get to the record. No it's there's something off with the entire record player crackling. Okay. No the entire thing has been what's playing on the record player. There's like a you know like a name an artist. I don't know. Benny Goodman. You know Benny Goodman was a homosexual. Was he. So the first part of the dream you describe is I don't know if he was a scary is also the only part related to. No I would do it has nothing to do with homosexuality. But it's about me and my baby girlfriend because we're to be babies. You were afraid of you're afraid of 1940s homosexuals. There is something

spooky about them. Yeah. Kind of a Miller's crossing. Yeah. So it might not be that the homophobia itself is what is what bothers you but the implicit dishonesty of old school homosexuality. Yeah back when they called them punks. Well yes it was just sort of coded and you had to be an artist of some sort. Yeah. Maybe that's what you really don't like as artists. It's true. Or being an artist. Which are 1940s homosexuals. Yes. They scare you. Yeah they do. They do. Because what you want is these sort of inverted artists which are the out of the closet homosexuals that have no talent whatsoever but bank on their homosexuality. I don't know about all of the out of the closet artists to sell them. I

don't know about every single out of the there are a lot plenty of talented out of the closet artists. Well I'm just telling you your opinions. OK I'm not saying no I didn't say that those were my opinions. That's interesting. Let me just jot this down. What are you writing down. Stop writing down. I'm just I'm just writing down Chinese Stone Cold Steve. That's something to remember later when I watch it. Yeah that's true. That would be that would be pretty fun. So yeah so I get to the bathroom my entire family is there and she still wants me to go for it. But I say you know I don't think it's appropriate with my entire family here. Yeah. You know it's my it's clearly my birthday party. And how old are you turning

one. I don't know. It doesn't say a number on the on the cake. You know I assume that it's my birthday party. Yeah. Then another boy walks through the corral doors. Yeah the saloon doors. Sorry. Yeah. Older boy younger boy is older. How much older. He's about eight years old. Is he sexually developed. Nobody's sexy. So he's got promise. You know when you know he's going to be a piece of the kind of boy that you see where you're like when you're 18 you give me a call. Okay. The kind of the kind of boy that you have a you have a sign in your house. You keep tearing away numbers. It's days till 18. Yeah. So you don't want to break the law. Right. You check and make sure your girlfriend can't hear you.

I don't know. She's I don't know. She doesn't listen to the show. Yeah. He walks through the door. Yeah. Confetti starts flying in the air. My entire family starts sharing. Oh it's the birthday wasn't even for you. It wasn't my birthday. It's for a different boy. It was for that fucking piece of ass. That's sexy boy. You know what else happened during the 1940s. What happened. The Holocaust. That's true. And in your dream. That's true. You're seeing the Holocaust as a party for you. Right. You deserve all of the celebration for surviving all the credit. Another sexier boy comes in and you're like oh I wasn't even in the Holocaust. I'm just a whiny millennial. Yeah. Brooklyn who's a homophobe. Yeah. Who's

making it all about me. Exactly. So that maybe that's that's something taken into consideration when you're sitting at home watching Ray Donovan pretending to be an artist. That's true. All right. Next dream. Well now I'm going to have to remember. Or we could move right into the guest segment and what I was going to do for this because guys this is what this is what we call in the biz we call a test show. This one normally wouldn't air. You just go do it at like a right at like a community college. I went to the test show for Colbert. Yeah. Yeah. That wasn't. It's bad. I don't know. I was excited about it because you know we're getting Colbert back and been on TV in a while. The guest was Bill Cower. Yeah.

More coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Yeah. I think was also the CBS football analyst. So there he was in the family. So they got they got him to be the big guest. Yeah. And then they I was watching. I was like this is a little off. I don't know if this is the right format for old Steven. But yeah. Well so like I said it's a test show and the real show will have real guests but the test show you bring your guests out. Normally we're running way behind schedule here. So we're at forty seven minutes and this would ideally all be happening in the first 15. Right. We do the monologue dream analysis. Fifteen minutes of monologue dream analysis and then we bring in the first guest who is somebody

that has to sort of offer like a counterplay. A counterplay. I thought they bring it. They do like an anecdote. No they have to bring in somebody that. So with the dream analysis we discover something about you that you didn't realize. Yeah. You know that's. Well I'm afraid of 1940s. So too many too many entertainers today try to ingratiate themselves to the audience by you know for lack of a better word virtue signal. You know we're sort of appealing to whatever collective morality that people think that we have now. We're not doing that with this show. We're going straight deep into your subconscious revealing something to you and making you and the audience at the same time see the humanity. OK. So

we're helping you to understand yourself better at the same time that the audience does. And then we bring in a guest. It'll be very difficult for booking because all of this will happen on the fly. That has to offer like a like sort of like a counterpoint. Right. Or some sort of like you know into this game. So in this one we find out that you know I mean like we just did the dream analysis that you're you're feeling sort of like insecure about yourself like you're a fraud of some sort that you're you know not really an artist that you're actually just a 1940s homosexual. Yeah. I would say that's probably a correct analysis. The best guess there would be Bruno Mars. That would be that would be good because

he has a kind of a classic classic look look. He's not actually gay. He's kind of timeless. No he's not. He's not. Yeah he's not. Actually he's really cool. Yeah. Exactly. And it's also not really the 40s. No it's not the 40s at all. So you bring Bruno Mars. But if he was in the 40s Bruno Mars you'd sit him down at the table you hold up his album. He wouldn't have seen any of the dream analysis part. That's important. No no. He's been he's but he hasn't been watching the show. Yeah. Yeah. We've kept him in a sound proof. Yeah. And then you sit him down and you say do you ever have nightmares that you're being orally raped in a car in 1940s or a man was trying to but you wrest wrestled the gun away and yeah and

shot him in the head. I'll say excuse me. You'd be like is that what Uptown Funk was about. Yeah. You could do that. Have you ever met. Have you ever met Kanye West. We could ask him that too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kanye West is a good example. Well I guess it's you know it's your show. Who do you want to have on for one of what's the what should the theme of 101 be. I think the theme is well if we're going away from the irony the theme should be use middle age healing healing in middle age. Yeah. Which is not really ever possible right. Healing doesn't exist. Yeah. It doesn't exist. No calcification. That's what your body just. Yeah. I drilled up of collagen fibers. Mm hmm. Yeah. I think that's probably

big skin. Yeah. But thinner than it's ever been before. But it's not a nerve. It's dead dead tissue build up dead tissue build up. Yeah. But hey tell you what you know what that is. It's a callous. You know what you need. Callous is for making fucking music to be tough. Oh. Beautiful guitar. Lots of instruments. Yeah. That's true. You gotta have you gotta have some of that built up. You gotta be worn out. You know that's the most beautiful part of that Glenn Campbell documentary. What about all cybers. Yeah. Which is what when he just like the only thing he can remember how to do is play guitar. Yeah. It's really beautiful. That's great. Yeah. And you'll never have that because I didn't actually. You're a 1940s

class. You're a 1940s straight guy pretending to be gay. Mm hmm. To trick everybody into something. To think that I'm an artist. Next up. Issue number two. Japan needs to bring back the rising sun flag. Oh my God. So bad. It's a fucking amazing flag. Chad Musco used it. I don't care. I don't care if it's it's it's you know it's funny how like people like people like they can't understand why in Taiwan they have like the Hitler cafe with the swastika or whatever. Yeah. I still I don't really understand it. Yeah. Well it's like but that's what the rising sun is here. Like they're like that was a fascist government. Yeah. It's but yeah but it's it's Asian fascism. Mm hmm. That means nothing to me. No we don't

care. They were actually really racist against the Koreans. I'm like oh damn. Yes. It's sad. Oh that sounds. That's rough. Like it sucks. Yes. Yeah. That's why we like the yeah the rising sun for sure. Well it's just a cool. It's just a cool flag. It is bad. Korea's got a dope flag also. Korea doesn't have the Pepsi one. Yeah. It's like a Pepsi yin yang generation Korea. Yeah. It's pretty bad. Yeah. Yeah. That's Pepsi. Let them use. Yeah. That's cool. The coronavirus sucks. It's it's really frustrating too. It's like because this is I feel like it is you know it's funny just a couple of weeks ago. I was like Corona's coming back

and now you did say that. Yeah. It's but no one cares because Trump's not the president. Is that right. Yeah. No one's going to give a shit. And it's like it's also going to be if you look at like that. I can't remember. But if you look at like the Spanish flu it was bad one year and then people stopped giving a shit for like two years and it came back and that's when it killed like that's when everyone died. Yeah. And it's like you think back to those times especially if you're like you know I don't know. It doesn't matter who you are but you look back on like you know like think about like times like that. It's like the 1920s. Everyone has like Spanish flu. All these people dying dying in war and it

becomes very easy to like romanticize it. Like think that if you're living in those times it would be sort of like romantic times like like you would see the beauty in death and now living in a pandemic where that very well may happen. It's mostly just fucking annoying. Yeah. It's gay. It's just like it's just fucking it's just fucking annoying. Yeah. Like I you know I was sitting like you know on the couch last night trying to go to sleep. I'm having like hard palpitations. Yeah. It's like fucking me up and I'm like God just fuck this shit dude. Like I'm not going to have I'm not going to have a beautiful moment on my fucking death bed. I'm going to be like this fucking sucks. Yeah. You're going to be pissed off

about something trivial. Yeah. Like the show. Yeah. Yeah. We're this stupid fucking Corona virus. It's so stupid. They should have just ignored it. It's like unless here's the deal science. Here's the deal science. Unless before this shit happens you already have the cure the cure 100 percent the cure. Shut the fuck up. Don't tell anybody. Yeah. It's just like oh well millions of people will die. So what. And millions of people did. Yeah. They will. That's how you go. Fauci has it now. Did you see this. I saw that. Fauci has Fauci took that Paxlova like the Pfizer pill and now he's got a rebound case which is I've been paid attention to this Paxlova thing at all. Wait. But that's the pill. That's the COVID pill.

It's a COVID pill. He's gotten the he's gotten four doses of the vaccine. He's old as shit too. Right. He's 81. He got four doses of vaccine. He got COVID and he wasn't feeling well. So he took Paxlova which isn't like supposed to be for people with the vaccine. It's for like if you're in the hospital. Well no that's other shit. Paxlova is just the like the it's like an antiviral that they rolled out. But I guess it's not really for like people who've had the vaccine. And what happens is it just suppresses the virus for like a week and then you test negative and then three days later you test positive again and then it comes back even worse. And like like yeah I guess that happened to Fauci.

He's going to die from COVID. He's going to die dude. It's going to be really funny. Oh my God. Because it's still going to be people being like well he was 81. Right. You know it's like okay but he lived in a bunker. He got four doses of the vaccine. He took two rounds of Paxlova which it's like it's only authorized for one person. And he didn't even get to get pussy off of Randy Rainbow. What a waste. Damn. I guess let's just think about that for a second. These are things you should be saying. I'm not I'm not I'm not popping off anymore. I don't I don't know even what that shit is dude. You can pop off as much as you want. You know who Fauci is. I don't know what Paxlova is. It's it's in the news.

I thought that's a dessert. No you're thinking of tiramisu. And a pavlova. Anyway so we got to go back to the show. So sorry sorry folks ignore my my COVID. Here's the thing. We're going to have. So who's the guest. It's going to be Bruno Mars some some type of celebrity. We're going to use our industry. I know what they sound like. So I'm going to do them and you can you can interview me. We'll practice. You can do Bruno Mars. I mean I don't really know anything about him other than what kind of hat he wears in the song Uptown Funk. Yeah but you know you know enough dude. He's Filipino. I didn't know that he's five foot three. I don't know that. I didn't any of this shit. You're like well I don't know who the fuck

is Dr. Fauci and you're like Bruno Mars was born. No that's not true. I didn't 1980s. I don't know everything about Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars is favorite food is lasagna just like Garfield who also happens to be his favorite cartoon character. All right I wrote a fucking book report on Bruno Mars teacher being like that's not a book. Yeah my book report is on Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars is an inspirational figure because just like an autistic kid trying to get like an A in the class who didn't do the work but he's like I did my book report on Miss Stella our teacher. Miss Stella is a beautiful lady whose husband left her last year because he didn't know. He didn't know what a good woman was and even though he's

now engaged to Miss Clarence who teaches third grade here at this school and they're very happy together and she has very large breasts. Miss Stella is still worth her weight in gold. Miss Stella was born 45 or 50 years ago. Her phone number is 734-4487. Dude something like that. Something like that. All right do I got to be Bruno Mars here. You can be I mean we don't have to we don't have to do it. I mean we could do it. Yeah let's do it. Okay so hey you know kind of like what's up. It's me Bruno Mars. Let me just watch a Bruno Mars interview. Yeah just like you figure it out. Yeah let me just watch the interview and then I'll do them. I just need I need a running start here. I'm heard. Hey

it's Bruno Mars. I'm Bruno Mars. You're going to be. I want to be Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars. No you have to be. Hey how's it going everyone. My name is Bruno Mars. You're Adam Friedl. Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars and Anderson Painter. He was Bruno Mars so here we go. Yeah he's in a band with Anderson Cooper. Please welcome Bruno Mars. How are you? Good. It was good to be back. It's cold out there. Yeah and tell me it's I mean having listened to your rehearsal here it's really all about dancing now. It's dance music isn't it. Yeah that's what music is supposed to do. So we're watching your performer now. Everyone's saying the new thing is dancing now. It's dancing

isn't it. It's not singing anymore. It's just dancing. Yeah I guess that makes sense. What fucking show is this? What is it? What does it say? That's the hardest question anyone has ever asked. SVT Scavlon. It's Scavlon TV show tonight. What is it like a Swedish talk show? I guess dude. Wait let's hear more. Make it make you dance. So what I mean the internet is full of Bruno Mars moves. Oh yeah? Well the internet has nothing but the Bruno Mars moves. We go online we see video every day I click. I click it says Bruno Mars no move no move no move my son he shows me he is 37 but he has brain damage he has Down syndrome he shows me every time he says daddy I want to be just like Bruno Mars. And I say you

can't Bruno Mars very tiny and brown you are large you are Scandinavian Down syndrome 7 foot 2 432 pounds 8% body fat you never believe it. He has the bone structure of a white whale. You never Google yourself? No I never. Really? It says Bruno Mars moves. Well if you Google Bruno Mars moves I don't do this often. You were trying something? I did yesterday. And to prepare a few moves. Okay. I did it to just I mean I want to what I wanted to do was see what are the new moves of the year. Well I'm your guy. So what are your favorite moves? My favorite. What is the perfect move this year? The Bruno move. 24 cat. This is the shittiest interview I've ever seen in my life. So tell me tell me the

new dance move. What are the new moves? I understand the dance is a physical thing but I'm going to ask a verbal question where you have to describe a dance to me. A physical expression of your body. Yeah. What are the new colors you are coming up with? Why don't you just describe the dance to me? Instead of having you come out and perform why don't you just tell me what the dance would look like. What does he say? Magic in the air. What was the move? I don't know I did some weird thing with his head. I've never seen that before. Well you know because you do something here. That's it. Amazing. Bruno you call yourself a student of music. What do you mean by that? Amazing. Bruno you call yourself a student of music.

What do you mean by that? I kind of messed up. Sorry that's more of a come town joke folks. Do you come town jokes? No we don't have to. I had to be able to produce for a rock artist, a hip hop artist, all kinds of different music. So it's my job to study all kinds of music. So I'm allowed to go into the studio and know what they're talking about. Know what worlds they come from. So if I'm a student of music. I've read somewhere about you that you are the kind of musician that have music constantly in your head. What is this? Take us in. Dude we gotta bring the Adam Freeland show to Scandinavia. Dude they're gonna love clean up there. They're gonna love dream analysis. As long as none of the population

finds out that we're how short we are. We could be kings over there. That would be truly a nightmare. We just can't get photographed from the waist down. Yeah. You know what that that figuring out the conversion to Scandinavian height. I'm like for one over there. I'm like a circus freak. No, I know. I mean, I think I think that they I think maybe we'd be I would be a sir. I could be like we man in fucking Scandinavia. We have Nick Mullen. We're going to throw him into a bigger. They're midges. They gotta be bigger, right? They're midges. Yeah. I mean, they're just gotta be like regular sized people like five seven. They're like five five. Yeah, probably. You know how much that would suck? Just a Norwegian

dwarf mogging you. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. That's so funny. Damn. Damn. I feel like shit. Yeah, I feel fucking awful. I feel so fucking sick, but it's mainly just from from talking for I feel dizzy for an hour. No, I don't have any of that. I don't even have much congestion. I woke up feeling dry cough. I woke up feeling dizzy. Yeah. Okay, well, exhaust. Well, you got to tough it out, brother. All right, let's do Adam Freeland show. Let's do the let's do a driver. Let's do 75% of the money. No, I'm not getting 75% of the money. How does it take in there? You don't want to go in there. No, it's just it's you know, I'm constantly for this album, I was constantly thinking about how I can make it better, how I can

make the chorus better, different chord progressions, different drum beats. And now that we're the album's ready and I got to perform. So he's Filipino. Yeah, he's Filipino. Really? He looks like he looks like one of those like enchanted type of Indian people. You know what I mean? Like Bollywood vibes. No, like, like that, like a secret society out in the jungle somewhere and you can have dinner with them. Like if you find their temple, you can have a suspicious dinner with them. If you hug him, like, you know, hug it like the bad guys from fucking Indiana Jones. No, I know what you're saying. Yeah. The Kali ma guys. Yeah. Like he's got an army of monkeys who kill people for him. Yeah, here you go. These people. Yeah. Yeah.

Those type of guys. Good guys. No, I mean, yeah, no, he's, he's Filipino. I think he kind of looks like a lady a little bit. Kind of like a, like a middle-aged black woman. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I'm incorrect. I'm not too familiar with him, but he will be the first guest next week when we got the studio of the Adam. So what happens after the guest segment? What do we, where do we go from there? We have a second guest. We have a second guest. You want to just go regular late night format. I'm thinking we go guest and then we go back into the dreams. But this time we asked Bruno Mars what his dreams are. Yeah. We asked him, we asked him like what, what he's being haunted. Yeah. So I had a

dream last night, right? I was in the recording studio and you know, I mean, I try to, my music has to be as diverse as possible. I got to work with every kind of artist hip hop, you know, soul, hip hop, R&B, rap music, hip hop, you know, I mean, every type of music there is, but I always worry what if there's a type of music I've never heard of. And it's late night at the studio and they say, Bruno, Mr. Mars, we got one more client for you. Say all right. I mean, I guess I can make another $800 million. Take one more client for the night and make another solid gold record. 24 carat. And this man walks in in a pinstripe suit. He's about seven and a half feet tall. And he opens his mouth. The entire

family from a cuckoo clock comes out and they start hurling racial slurs at me and they're just bouncing off of me because none of them apply. You know, because nobody knows what race I am. So, you know, it's like fun. You know, well, and I'm dodging all of them. He's dancing around dancing and it's creating all new kinds of dances swerving in and out of the racial slur. Okay. And finally, the bone strikes midnight, they go back into his mouth and his face turns pale, pale in the Grecian sense, like the old word kind of a green, sickly color, like the last horse of the apocalypse. And he says to me, I want you to help me make a swing revival album. And, you know, I'd heard about some of that

stuff when I was growing up, you know, like cherry popping daddies or, or, I guess that's the only one I can name for the purposes. Just for swing revival. Yeah, I can't think of another one. And he pulled out the gun from who frame Roger Rabbit, the cartoon. Oh, cartoon gun. Yeah. And I said, Oh, I know what this is. You're gonna, you're gonna pull an Adam Friedland on me. And he said, What are you doing? Why is it called an Adam Friedland in the dream world? In the dream world getting forced to suck deck at gunpoint is called the Adam Friedland. Yeah, that's just what they call it. And and but no, he put the gun to my head and I sat down on the board. And I had the keyboard in front of me. And I just

put something down. And what came out was this. What if I became, what if I became a race trader? What if I became the first right wing fascist, dancing, singing, questionably Filipino artist in the United States? Okay. And that's when I decided I Bruno Mars. I'm gonna become the house man on the Adam Friedland. Okay, what an announcement for a price. How much $800 billion? I don't have that kind of money, dude. Well, then we'll have to find somebody else. I'll get 60% of Patreon. You're gonna have to try this on the next guest. All right. I think we could we could get a band very easily. Yeah. Yeah, why not? That is a cool song. That song's bad.

That song kind of made the whole episode worth it. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah, I'm happy without that came out. But anyways, so that song is a sign of things to come once once this coronavirus clears up. Stick with it, folks. If you stuck around this long, we will be we will be getting a studio. You're gonna have to go to patreon.com. For now, patreon.com slash come dance. Sign up for the premiums. So Adam can also do you have any tour dates? I got I got some dates of Buffalo July 7 through the night. I will be there at the helium comedy club. And then in Chicago, I'll be back at the Lincoln Lodge the week or so after that. And I'll be in Seattle September 16th at the crocodile and Portland September 18th at Mississippi Studios.

And then I have more dates that will be announced pretty soon. What else, dude? I'm fucking I feel like shit. I'm gonna go back to bed, I guess. Yeah, I'm gonna do the same. I gotta drive home. See if I get that parking spot. Was there anything goodness? Anything to salvage? Or should we just delete this? We can probably just delete it, dude. Do you want to delete it? I don't know. We could talk about it afterwards. I forgot there was no sponsors. Yeah, if we don't have sponsors, I don't really have to post that. We already said we have coronavirus.