The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. X03 – TAFS Test Episode 3: Gun Violence

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

Figuring out when we should bring out guests, also how to handle mass shootings interrupting our recording schedule. Jordan Jensen joins us as the first test guest on The Adam Friedland Show.

I don't want to sing this song, you got it. Come on, sing the song, man. I did the... It's not. You can't... What are you talking... People loved it. What is it?

They can go to... No, he's doing this because the girl's here right now. I want to see it. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not doing this. Jordan, tell him you want him to sing. I really would love it if he sang. The girl's asking you.

We're already too far into the song. Come on. I already missed my mark. You made this song. I made this song. You did? I produced this song. It's a new theme song.

It's a new theme song for the Adam Frieden show. Just sing it for your... We're going to get like a Delta Blues black guy to sing the intro music. And you made it. We filled in last week because we couldn't find a black guy in time. On the Patreon episode, patreon.com slash come town. That's it. My boy, after the money.

That's how you know he's a star. What do you mean after the money? You're the producer. I'll write the Patreon just to hear it if you say it. Nick, just do it for Jordan. I'm not going to... I'll sing maybe... If you want, you can sign up for the Patreon.

Just do it for Jordan. We're here for you. I want to hear it. I want to hear it right now. I'm not going to come in. Please. I'm not going to come in and make myself the star of the Adam Frieden show. You're not the star.

I know. I'm not the star of the top, but everybody's... Is the show about me? Everyone's listening for me. It'll become a music show. Do you sing about Adam? Yeah. Well, it's the Adam Frieden show.

Just do it for Jordan. I'll get it. We'll move on. No. No. Come on. Come on. I'm telling you, we got limited time.

Jordan Jensen is here saving the Adam Frieden show. What do you mean saving? Test episode 104. We did... We got into an hour and a half long argument about me singing already. Yeah. It's been an hour and a half. Give or take.

No. What about the outro? Maybe. We'll see how I feel. Can I try to sing it? Yes, please. In the style of Nick? Oh, he wanted to sing.

I didn't want to sing. I have a bad voice. But it's your show. We'll start it over. All right. And then I also... What do you think about this? Getting rid of the first part of this song at a certain point?

Once we got the studio... We got to phase it out slowly. We got to phase it out. Slowly. Because you know what, guys? This isn't Come Town anymore. We're transitioning the brand. Yeah.

Yeah. You're very good at that. Transitioning. Transitioning? Transitioning. Yeah. All right. Play the song.

Okay. So you sing the song then? You can do it. It's just you want it. Maybe you want to give it a measure until the drums start. Okay. Yeah. Run it back.

Run it back. I can't. Unfortunately, there's no way to run it back. It's a one-shot. Yeah. Yeah, boy. Count me off. And go.

We're going down in the river. We're going down in the show. We're going down in the river. It's a Adam Freeland show. Nick, just do it. You do it better. No, it's fine. You have a good voice.

No, it's because now you're building up. You're building things up. No, Jordan wants to hear it. Come on. Please. At the end. At the end. For my birthday.

We're getting this one. It's not for my birthday. Come on. I need to be cleansed of what Adam just said. No, it's bad. That was really bad. She hated it. It's all right.

We'll get it to the end. No, you did that. So I'd look bad in front of my girl. Look, we got a long show today. Sorry, you haven't been, this is a new show, the Adam Freeland show. Jordan, thanks for coming. It's not come town anymore. It's not come town anymore.

It's more structured. I'm kind of stepping back in the more of like a producer role. Nice. Filling in where I'm needed. Okay, great. Which is, last week, singing. This week, keeping us on track. I see.

He's just doing his job, Adam. He's just doing his job. Yeah. Making sure. For my birthday. Making sure. I'm going to be on the bar of chips. I'm going to be 36 next year.

Oh, wow. We're going to eat on the pod. April 10th, next year. And it's 36. And now you're going to have a real, you're going to have a real TV show. You haven't gone on a birthday present in years. We're pivoting to where Adam bosses you around though, which might kind of be nice where he can tell the producer to sing.

But you know what? He has been bossing me around and it's given me sort of a healthy type of stress that's been missing in my life. Nice. Some structure, yeah. Yeah, to have a boss that's upset at me and I complained to the cat here at home. nightmare. Yeah. I'm high maintenance place. Did you do this puzzle and leave? Are you doing it systematically from left to right? No, I didn't want this. I just I had this

is I'm going through the puzzles that I didn't want in here. And that one has a color coded system for beginners. So I'm just getting it out of the way and then I'll frame it and maybe it'll go on the wall. Probably not. Oh, you don't respect this one. Well, I got all this shit I need. You can take a look at the art that's going to go on the wall all over there. I get it. My my my Mark Wahlberg poster fell off the wall and shattered. Oh, I see. So I got to go. I got to take all of these things here to the to the I guess Michaels and one of them is is a lot of that is blick to blick to blick. And I don't know if they'll do it because some of it is obscene. This up here. Yeah, one of it's like Shrack and

he's pregnant. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Girl that made it. She's very good. Mario paint girl. She's very good. Oh, yeah. Also, Jordan. Yeah. I know you brought up the puzzle, but Nick doesn't like his personal life. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Right. This is kind of Joe. No, I mean, just in general, he's never like talking about his personal. Okay, well, that goes for me too. Remember? Yeah. What I'm talking about. Herpes. What do you say? HIV. Oh, you said a real thing. Yeah, real thing. I wasn't gonna. That's the other thing too about the Adam Friedland show. Literally the entire thing is bullshit. Okay, great. Perfect. So none of the emotions are real. Not a single word. No, this is it's like smarter. It's like a

more intellectual approach to podcast. We're trying to ease our way into public intellectuals. So we're starting with comedians. And by the time we drop the home improvement theme at the beginning, we're going to have fucking Nina Turner on here talking about I would love her. Yeah, should be a big talking about do do. How are we going to do? How are we going to get the vote to oh, how are we going to take the vote to them or whatever the fuck? Are we going to take them? How are we going to bring up the vote? Are we going to get the vote? Are we going to carry the vote over there? Yeah. What are we going to put the vote in? That's right. Yeah, exactly. So this show is is a little bit more structured.

We would have like a topic every time. And we were going to do Animal Kingdom for this one. Yeah. But then we need to have the studio first because we wanted to bring in one of like the zoo lesbians to bring in an animal. Oh, nice. It is frequently a lesbian. Yeah. Yeah. It is. Mad cargo pockets. Yeah. Yeah. The elephant lady. Who's the elephant lady? All of them. I remember the first elephant. Oh, no, the chimpanzee studying lady. Oh, Jane. Jane Goodall. Yeah. She was for sure. Yeah. Big old dike. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. I think it starts off with the clothes. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah. They have no interest in the animals. They're like, I want something. I want like a nine and a half inch zipper

and big pockets in the front. And then next thing you know, people are like, do you talk to monkeys, right? Look what you're wearing. Animals respect you. You teach deaf gorillas how to talk to each other. I will say my mom's a lesbian and she has animals surrounding her at all times. She hates them, but like wild animals come up to her frequently. Is she a master of beasts? She does seem to be a master. I mean, it really is like her throwing rocks at like baby deer that are just following her around. It's quite bizarre. A woodchuck today. I saw her today. Three woodchucks were surrounding her on a job site. Really? She was trying to get them away. Yeah. It's like Ace Ventura. Ace Ventura was eight pussy.

Wow. What is it about carpet munching that animals respect? I'm not sure. Maybe an authoritative figure that's also maternal. That's why I follow my mom around. Really? Yeah. Yeah. So we can't do animal kingdom. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. It's okay. It's not visual enough, but maybe when we do, we can have your mom and her chipmunks come up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Because I've kind of, I got into a fight with the Bronx Zoo over COVID protocol stuff. I saw you remember. I am. And that's why I got, you know, I just found out there's a zoo in Prospect Park. I had no idea. There is. It's a great zoo. It's a screaming, screaming noise. And I, every time I run there, I would hear like

just this like, and I couldn't figure it out. And then finally I walked up to a guy who's working behind the fence and I was like, what is that? He was like, a fucking zoo retard. It was insane. And I was like, there's a zoo. And he was like, yeah, over here. And I was like, Oh, I haven't been. Oh, you didn't, I thought you were at the zoo and then you heard, no, I was running in Prospect Park and I heard a sea lion screaming. No idea. There was a zoo. I mean, I thought it was, you know, like a child being raped. I got my hopes up. Really? Yeah. Um, would that have excited if you saw that? A child being raped. And just to shake shit up the Manhattan life, just being like edgy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm

being edgy. She's saying fucked up crap. Yeah. Yeah. That's not the kind of show this is. Oh, I see. I see. I see. Okay. All right. So it's not animal pain. Some messed up crap happened this week, I guess with the shooting, which kind of saved our asses. Yeah. What was the shooting? What are you talking about? What? I don't read anything. I told you it's a public affairs show. What happened yesterday in a suburb of Chicago that people on Twitter wanted to make sure everyone knows that it's not Chicago, Jewish. Yeah. It's a Jewish north shore. Yeah. Yeah. Highland Park. Highland Park. Highland Park is the name of it. There was a an Italian American wigger shot up a boy named Robert Cremo, the third shot him

up shot him up shot a parade up. Yeah. Oh, mass shooting AR 15. Yeah. Wow. So that saved you guys. Thank God for that. Well, well now we didn't have anything to talk about. Yeah. We were kind of stuck on the animals and then we're like, we can't do it until we have video. Yeah. And then we're like, what the fuck else do we talk about? So the topic for this episode is going to be gun violence. We're going to tackle it. And we got Nina Turner. Well, I might just do an impression of Nina Turner, I guess. And that's a vision. Yeah. Yeah. Because we can't get her yet. She's like, yo, yo, she I can't I've only seen her tweets. But yeah, you know, they're mostly that. Yeah. A lot of snaps. Girl. Stop playing with

the guns. Yeah. And and so she'll come on and say something like that. And then so yeah, so maybe we can get we can get another white rapper, another Italian American white rapper to give maybe Cremo side of the story. And this is on the animal kingdom episode. No, no, this is guns episode. Are you not listening? I think you should put them together. You know, it was very funny yesterday as I was I was watching the news, like CNN. And after the shooting, they had like Wolf Blitzer and then because it's 4th of July, they had 4th of July shit planned. So it cuts to Don Lemon. And they have not thought at all about what they're going to say about the shooting. Yeah, he's like, yes, tragically, there was a tragedy.

And but Americans are not going to let this stop them from dreaming of today's celebrate to birthday of America. And we're going to celebrate it. And it is a tragic day. But here's Pitbull doing Tinder with Lady Gaga. And then yeah, just wow, no way to transition. I was on CNN. And then they just go to Pitbull. And Pitbull is doing the same thing that he's been doing for the last 35 years. Bleak. Yeah. But I love Pitbull, honestly. Pitbull's great. But he's an institution. Yeah. I mean, what do you say, you know? Yeah. Is that why they canceled a whole bunch of like fireworks and stuff? Or was that COVID? Like I was in Ithaca. They're like, no fire. Surely it wasn't because somebody got shot in Chicago. We're not doing

it. Well, if that's a myth, a good shit that would happen. Yeah. Well, I mean, is upstate New York like that? I think like long, long Island cannot. They love tragedy. A lot of upstate New York is Maga, though. Don't tread on me. Yeah, not Ithaca. No, no, no, very much the opposite. Long Island. Long Island would love a mass shooting to ruin the 4th of July. Oh, yeah. That would that would make I bet they're really upset that that didn't happen there. It depends what part of Long Island. Definitely. In Ithaca, they were like, we were like, oh, hey, it's we're all at a 4th of July party. And I was like, 4th of July. And everybody was like, I'm not feeling very patriotic. And I was like, you we just made

all this food, though. Yeah. But fuck America. And I was like, I need to I hate all of you. Really? Shoot this place up. Yeah. That's very little. They couldn't eat because they were remembering they were eating, but they're like, it just happens to be the day. But fuck, fuck America. It's very much that way. You know, they were they pro England, maybe? No, I'd say pro like Denmark. Sweet. You know what I mean? Denmark had a shooting, too. Did that market a mall shooting on the 4th of July. Trying to copy. That's copy. Put that in the monologue. You're going to say there's something rotten in Denmark. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. That's pretty good. It's the body of a four year old outside of the mall.

At whatever mall we're shooting. I guess his body is right. It's decomposing. I was just there. He's small and he said the guy the booker of the funny bone and Syracuse was like, we just had a mall shooting two days ago. And he had all these American flag things. And then he locked me in his office and tried to convince me to be super pro gun. And he was like, I was like, yeah, I just don't know how I feel about it in New York. And he goes, or where I come from, we have these people called Hill people. And I was like, oh, yeah. And he goes, but then we also have these people called, he was like, they live above the hills. And I was like, that makes sense. And then he goes, but we also have these people called

Farrell people. And I was like, what's up with the Farrell people? And he goes, oh, they're uncivilized. And I was like, why the Hill people are debutants. What the fuck? It's just Hill people, but they've got like a, like a, like a, like a top hat with the hat, the top open, like a can. Yeah. Or their whole head just is a cone filling the hat. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty cute. Yeah. When you said he locked the door, I thought that was going to go in a different direction. No, sometimes you got these bookers at clubs that just want to chat. So they're like, come into my office, we'll settle up. And then they write the check in super slow motion while they tell you their life story and why they hate their wife. And then they try and come on you.

But that's, that doesn't bother me. That's what goes to work. You try to come on you. No, no, no, no, no, no. If I was there, I wouldn't let that happen. That's really nice of you. I don't thank you so much. It's kind of like Mark Wahlberg talking about 9-11. That's why it's Adam Friedland Cho. Yeah. We're okay. Adam, have you ever been cummed on in comedy? In comedy? Maybe, maybe we'll do, look, we'll scrap mass shootings. This episode, sexual assault in comedy. Yeah. I got plenty of those. You can, you can maybe tell some of your stories, Adam, about being on the road. Look, it's been a long, it's a long path to get here to be a late night host. I know there's kids watching and they think, I want to be Jimmy Kimmel. I want to be Conan O'Brien. I want to be Adam Friedland.

Yeah. And they, they imagine in their mind, you know, it's a 12 year old boy, you know, you're cutting up, you're the class clown. You think I'm going to be that one day and they think, well, I go to college and then I'm on the show. Yeah. But no, it's years of being raped. Lots of rape. Yeah. Raped in nightclubs. Yeah. By men and women. And yeah, maybe you want to tell some of those stories. Well, every time I went to the police, they laughed at me. So I don't know. Just if you promise to not belittle me or make fun of me. Me? It's a safe space. Okay. I'm the producer. Why would I, I'm all here to gas you up. I was Margaret. Gas you up, collect the paycheck. That's it. I was Margaret. Maybe do a couple of rapes myself. You know, who knows. No, no. Okay.

Fingers crossed. That's a trigger warning. I was Margaret Cho's opener. Margaret Cho'd? Cho. Oh. She's a Korean American standup comedian. That is not the first time I've made that mistake. What do you mean? To her face several times of matter. You called her that? I just, I've misheard her every time. Because you had some inkling that she did some things to me. It's because she's shaped like a Cho'd. I think that's why her body had a form that shaped like a Cho'd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tracks. It makes sense. Well, I thought Cho'd. I didn't realize I was a penis thing. I thought it meant Chinese Toad. The first time I heard it, I thought it was like a stage name she was doing. No, I think it's her Korean name. I'm sorry. Margaret Cho'd.

And I haven't been to Montreal since. That was the last time I was invited there. Oh, to JFL. To JFL, yeah. This industry. I didn't realize I was on a hot mic that was piped into the PA system in front of the entire, the Gala, the state of comedy. You know. Yeah. The Howie Mandel was on stage talking about germs. Yeah, washing his hands. Yeah. He's like, there's 2014. He said, there's a pandemic coming. We're all laughing at him in the time. We're like this bald freak. Yeah, you're gay. Margaret, yeah. Margaret Cho'd comes up to me. Cho'd, yeah. And I was... You were bringing her up on the stage. Well, we were just standing next to each other. I just saw kind of an Asian woman in my periphery. So I started

putting my, my shrimp, my shrimp tails, which I'd collected. I've been eating a bunch of hors d'oeuvres. I didn't realize she was, you know, the talent. And so I just sort of fished, I was just dropping them into her cleavage thinking she had a plate or something to collect garbage. Or as if that was her job. They say you're supposed to do that. That's what they say. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, she's there. I thought she was service industry. She's like, excuse me, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm done with my shrimp. Yeah. And she said, do you know who I am? You can go now. Yeah. And I said, of course not. You know, I'm just some, I'm, you know, I'm just, I'm not even supposed to be here. And you haven't even

turned your head to look at her at this point. You're just looking, still looking, still dropping shrimp. Well, I didn't know if she had a husband that might be like, yeah, yeah. She said, I'm Margaret Cho. And I said, and it was one of those moments where, you know, there's like a dead silence, a pregnant pause, a pregnant pause for how he met Del because he's bombing. And so he's finished bombing. And I just say, I'm sorry, Margaret showed. That's good. And yeah, I mean, you could hear a pin drop and a pin drop. That was actually the name of her cousin from Korea. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. She said, yeah. All right. I said, oh, pin drop. It's you. Yeah. That was the best Indian comedian that was pin drop pin drop was, he was, he was in the green

room putting his dot on. He was getting his dot ready. What, that's a great thing. Yeah. He was, yeah. What's that? Best Indian pin drop. Oh, South Asian. It was JFL. Oh, pin drop. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Gotcha. How are they related though? Pin drop, jip-jap. That was his name. Who's just Indian comedian at JFL that year. Oh, he's like a wigger kind of Indian. Oh, well, yeah. His, he had this great bit where he would, he would put, you know, they have the red dot on his head. He would put a black dot up there. Yeah. That's hilarious. That's pretty funny. Yeah. And he's like, it's not racist. It's just a dot. But how big can the dot go so far? It's racist. You know, and it's very funny. And it turns out the answer was immediately because he got,

yeah, he, he, uh, the French Canadians do not take kindly to, um, people from the colonies. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah. Oh, okay. He, he was beaten to death by, by, uh, shoeless, uh, court gestures, basically. Really? They just barefooted those, yeah. French Canadian goons. Anyway, um, I was Margaret Cho's opener for, uh, about three years. And, um, I went through a process of psychic and sexual trauma, um, that I guess will haunt me for the rest of my life. Hmm. Um, this might be too, is it true what they say about, um, Is it sideways? Yes. That's what you're going to ask? I'm just, uh, I thought maybe that would be like a nice probing kind of question. Does it look like the eyes? I think that's what we want to know.

Is it the same as the eyes? That's, come on, man. Just answer the question. Yes. Okay. Keep going then. All right. But it doesn't matter. Let's get those terror trips going. Okay. Oh, it definitely matters. Track those terror chips. Okay. I need a stressy. She's all right. The cat's all right. Yeah. So Margaret Cho raped you with her sideways vagina? No, no, it was never penetrative. Um, but yeah, I would be sleeping and she, she had a certain fetish where she would crawl into my bed. Can you just open those fucking shit? Uh, produce her to the rescue. Yeah. Thank you. That's why we, that's why he's paid. I'm like female. I haven't used these hands. Well, it is really difficult. It's like a prank bag.

Yeah. That is very difficult. And I'm going to just tear the bag. I knew, I saw you watching me tear it and I saw you getting all OCD about it and I was like, look, it's not going to go. That's the only way to do it. We went sideways. That's why they call it tear up. We went sideways like a certain other bag of a Margaret Cho's pussy. Oh, I thought you were talking about the the movie with Paul Giamatti and Thomas Hayden Church. I always thought it was when I was a kid, my big joke when that movie came out. I was like, yeah, it's about Sandra O's vagina. She's in the movie. Yeah. Yeah. It is pretty good. Wow. That's gold. That is very good. How's a funny kid? He started early. Before I got raped and then you got to be a different kind of funny.

Yeah. It's a good movie. I just watched it again recently. It's a great movie. When the fat guy has his body pressed up against the side of the car, you know, and he's chasing him down. So funny. Really good. Yeah. When he fucks that wife, the waitress. Yeah. Yeah. And his penis. You don't get very funny penis, penis, penis outside. Plastic penis is a great bit. Yeah. They've kind of, they haven't done it as much. I was thinking about doing that. We do, I could just play the zoo lesbian when we get an animal or something on the show. And I put the shorts on and I have my cock hanging out of one side of the shorts and then my nuts hanging out of the other. That's funny. That's funny. That would be my big bit

is on the animal. You want these on? I mean, I'd like some. They don't, okay. Yeah, please. Anyway, after a show, after a show, I thought this said tarred. Yeah, it looks a lot like tarred. Yeah. It's a solid tarred. All right. I'll, I'll just. Also known as Milanga and Dashin, the white ship with who the fuck is reading this? And they're like, oh, let me find out about the types of potatoes. We ain't tarred. I just found out about the Down syndrome on sports illustrated. Just found out about it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I talked about it. The Victoria's, the Victoria's secret.

I thought it was sports illustrated. No, it's both. Yeah. She got sports illustrated. Had no idea. Yeah. Blew my mind. She's dating Tiger, the rapper. Oh. Yeah. There's a judge actually. It's gone to the Supreme Court. Can she technically consent? It's a question. Well, that's like, can you rape your wife who has dementia, which is like 100% yes. Oh, I never saw that. She had put out your whole marriage and now she has dementia. But it is kind of beautiful to give her that. Yeah. Now that she's willing to receive it finally. Here's a question about the sports illustrator girl. Yeah. Sideways?

No way. Well, the eyes. Yes. Is it like the eyes? I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Go back to the original question. The mongoloids. Is it similar to the eyes? All right. Okay. All right. The small almond glob.

We're trying to do a public affairs show. No. How about this? We do an animal kingdom episode. And we bring out a lesbian. And they've just got a guy with Down syndrome and with a chain around this. Oh, you wrong for that. You wrong for that. I'm just saying what and then what if. What if. What if. Yeah.

Nobody's doing that on television. No one is. That's true. Sorry. I had a couple of Tara chips and I got I got a little. Okay. Anyway, a little hot. If anyone's seen a Margaret Cho show, she puts everything into her stage performance. You're thinking of Bobby Lee. No, I'm not. Okay. And after a very similar act.

Where they go up there and they put a diaper on. They just speak in that sense, gobbledygook the whole time. He both do that. Who is it? Who is the Asian guy who when Rudy Giuliani was on Masked Singer was like, fuck this. Who's that guy? William Hung. That thing. Nope.

Oh, Joe Coy. No, was it? He's the biggest comedian in America. The guy from the Hangover. Oh, Dr. What's his name? Fauci. No, no. No. Dr. Ken. Ken Jong. Ken Jong-un. Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. That's it. That was it. Oh, yeah, that's who it was. Yeah, that's him. I wanted to talk about gun violence. Okay. Anyway, if you've seen a Margaret Cho show, she puts everything into her performance. She's dripping from head to toe with sweat. Oh, come on. So after a show,

she would take her clothes off and her panties also get fully nude. And she would hand me her panties in my mouth. And then she would say- She would hand them to you and your- She would put them with her hand into my mouth. And then she would instruct me to hand wash them in a sink. And she would make me crawl back to her in the hotel with her clean panties. Yeah.

And she would constantly tell me that they weren't clean enough. So it would have to keep going back and forth between the bathroom and her on the bed, wearing cucumbers over her eyes and one of those mask things. To open them up or what? She just likes the feeling of having normal eyes for a second. You know what I mean? Just round.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She just comes in the sink. What's the point of doing this? This is a public affairs show. Yeah. She cut little holes on them so she could see. You know what I mean? See out of it. These are public questions. I mean-

Yeah, I guess that is. I guess that's- William F. Buckley did, to my recollection, 17 different episodes on Asian people's eyes. Did he? Yes. What was his conclusion? As a classical conservator?

Yeah. My guest tonight is Margaret Cho, comedian and author of the book Who Ate All the Dog. Thank you for joining us, Margaret. The Cucumbers. What are the- what's that about? Margaret. What are the Cucumbers about? What do we-

What? Bluetooth? Okay, yeah. Bluetooth, boy. I got it. I got it, baby boy. I'm producing this, motherfucker. I had sex with Bluetooth.

Yeah, you can give us a testimonial in two minutes. Okay. Yeah. Did I do that last time? I don't think so. I don't think I had done the Bluetooth last time. No, you were on- Certainly not on the Adam Friedland show.

Yeah. I know. We should do it. You- one of you should take it while we do the podcast. We should fuck you. I don't have any here. Sure, but we should do the Bluetooth. Yeah.

You guys should rape me with Bluetooth pills. You guys should get me drunk on Tara chips. Okay. And then rape me. Have you used it? Of course. Yeah, I was like addicted to it for a while. Really?

Yeah. All comedians are addicted to it. You know, like an entire year just on cocaine and Bluetooth pills. I'm sober now. Yeah, I'm sober now too. But trying to come on Coke, impossible. Is that- is it like that for men? Trying to get hard on Coke.

What are you talking about? Well, I don't have a dick, so- Oh, yeah. It's hard to get- It's hard to tell I don't have a dick. To attain an erection on cocaine. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's real hard- it's real hard for women to come on Coke. It- is it- Once you get an erection- It's truly an evil drug. It is. It's fucking disgusting. Yeah. I got really addicted to it then into porn.

The first five minutes, maybe. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But then- I would love to go bowling. Yeah, it's so fun. We should go bowling sometime. On Coke.

On Bluetooth. That'd be sick. I used to go bowling almost every day in Cedar Park, Texas. Because they're in Happy Hour. They had $5 all-you-can-bowl. Wow. So we would just stay there for three hours and get fucking trashed and bowl. I got so into Coke and bowling that I have my own ball that's at the gutter.

It's there. Wow. You keep- they keep the ball there. Do you have one of those clear ones with a skull inside? No, I don't know. That's from the movie Mystery Men. Yeah, it's badass. Yeah.

Which is weird. You couldn't make that movie today because- You couldn't make that today. You get a bunch of fucking- Sorry, but you get people- like trans people showing up one- Right. And they're like, okay, well-

Mystery Men. It sounds like this is gonna be about me, but- Yeah. Yeah. It's a bunch of- It's a fucking bowling bullshit. It's about Pee Wee Herman. Pee Wee Herman and Dane Cook are in this.

Is Dane Cook in it? Dane Cook is in the movie, yeah. Wow. Did you guys see my remix of Jordan Peterson's yelling on Twitter? You saw Jordan Peterson doing the- Yeah. Fuck.

And then I remixed it with the- I really don't- God, nothing's wrong with me, too. It's pretty good. Well, I didn't see him yelling. I also don't- You're doing content. I don't understand how he continues to-

like, he can persist as like a cultural thing. Well, that's the problem is he is like- He is like a very intellectually savvy person. He's very articulate. He's very educated. And then he comes out and just has a full hissy fit and a three-piece suit. But that's what he's been doing.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. I think he's- That's the whole- He dresses up like Mr. Conductor to go on Joe Rogan. And he's like, Fat women are disgusting. And the people are like, You look like a fucking faggot.

And he's like, Stop! Pee! And that's- And now that's his career. Yeah. I don't know. Or to watch him read from the prompter,

his angry- You can't have reading something angry from a prompter. It doesn't look great. Yeah. It's just him being like, And fuck this institution. Fuck this institution. Yeah, it's really bad.

You think Hitler used prompter? I don't. I think he was motivated by the real, true, God-given love of Jews. Yeah. I mean, hatred of Jews. We gotta- We gotta get-

We gotta kill all of the- Jews. Yeah, that's what Peter's looks like. Yeah. No, that's what I mean. You gotta be- You gotta be activated by it. You gotta be bad.

You gotta be bold. You gotta- You gotta get stronger. Tracy Chapman is our musical guest tonight on the Adam Friedland show. I would love to get Tracy. That would be amazing. Does your mom like Tracy?

No. I thought Tracy was a man for years. No. I did too, of course. Tracy, you're here. I thought she was a white man. I gotta ask you. I've always imagined-

Does your pussy look like a big tray of brownies? It hasn't been cut yet. That's what I imagine. And I just got- That's what you're mind- I gotta ask. I'm thinking I'm imagining your pussy and a big 8x10 tin of just freshly cooked brownies.

Am I close? Yeah. Am I anywhere close? Is it like that? All right. Forget the question. Margaret Cho. Margaret Cho.

Yeah. Oh, you ever meet Margaret Cho? Did you ever fuck Margaret Cho? When you're driving around, you're in that- You're going around your fast car. Just picking up trim. Just picking up trim

and shoving it in your big brownie box. Yeah. Today's episode of the Adam Friedland show is brought to you by Bluetooth. Bluetooth.com, folks. If you love sex, you'll love Bluetooth.com. It's a website where you can buy- I forgot.

You know what? Chewable tablets. And I'll tell you what. That help get your dick hard. This was the thing about the old show that I got in the habit of completely checking out during a ad reads. And I'll just look at stuff like this.

Look at that. What a great still. Oh, beautiful. You remember him? Tony Little. Look at those not little breasts. Those perfect breasts. Do you know who this guy is?

No. This guy was a fitness, like he would advertise the gazelle freestyle. Oh, that guy was a ponytail. Wait, that's a man. I love that guy. He is a man. Yeah.

But his life story is amazing. Because he was like a fitness guy. But he just like, he would have- he has like the worst luck in the world. Like he'd finally get like a commercial fitness guy job. And then he got hit by a bus. And then when he was recovering from it- That guy?

Yeah. Then when he was recovering from that, he accidentally sat down in like a tub of acid in his friend's garage. How? And like burnt his ass and his nuts. No, he was doing some acid ass play. Yeah.

And he got into deep. Yeah. And then got like spinal meningitis. And he kind of invented being trans or like this power trans look. Yeah. That the- anyways. Bluetooth.com.

Tony Little's Bluetooth.com is a Bluetooth.com. Let's go here real quick. There's this guy. And you already know about Bluetooth. You said you got- Yeah, yeah. You got- I gave one a go.

You gave one a go. I didn't take one. I would like to take one and see if I get the, you know, the pebble clit or whatever people talk about. Oh, wow. Is that what happens? Nobody's ever said pebble clit to me. No, I think a woman would get wetter probably.

No, really? A little kidney stone. I think you get a little kidney stone. Don't you think you would send the blood to my clitoris? Maybe. I think- Does it send blood? I don't really know.

It has to send blood to your dick. Because when I, the dude that I was with took it. And it was like a dildo. I mean, it's like a rock hard metal mechanical creature that arises, that comes into the room. The entrance are- And you're like, hey, we didn't invite you in here. And it's like-

That's what girls like? No, I wasn't that into it. No, we're doing- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, it was great. I came a thousand times. Yeah. I came over and over again.

And you're asking, does it work on the sideways kind? And the answer is yes. Come on. All right. This is the reed. They want us to give them the facts. I'm sorry, dude. No, I shouldn't-

Look, I need this job at least for the next six months. I need it for longer. Probably the rest of my life. However you want me to do the reeds, I'll do them. I have nothing left, dude. I pooped my pants on the internet. I can't- That was come town.

I know. This is a different show. Like, what am I going to do? I need T.A.F.S. And I need your friendship. Discussed Taddafi and Teladav. What is that? Taddafi.

Great question, Jordan. Okay. Yeah. This is an extra service they offer, as you can talk to the Bluetooth people about these two Muslim guys that came up with the company. Really? Taddafi and Taddafala were the Muslim brothers

that actually came up with them. Right. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to say anything negative about that, but I'd like to.

Good job. Thank you. Oh. The Muslim Brotherhood. What's happened with those guys? It was like- They're still doing that thing. I always love that name.

I always imagine it's like a Mario and Luigi type. Uh-huh. Yeah. The Muslim Bros. One's a little taller, a little faster. Muslim Bros. a bank. Yeah. Like a plumbing company.

Yeah. The Muslim Brotherhood. Who'd they kill? Sadat. Sadat? Who the fuck is Sadat? They killed Anwar Sadat. Who's that?

He was the President of Egypt, I believe. Really? I thought- Yeah. I thought it was Dalsim. No. Dalsim's Indian. Oh, okay.

Yeah, he's stretching arms. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of a cheating a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. When you play, like you stay away and you do stretching arms. Yeah.

Pissing me off. I just remember pin drop. Anyway, so at bluetooth.com, you can talk to one of their licensed medical providers. No awkward visits to the doctor. You do it from the safety and warmth of your own home, right? They prescribe you Sildenafil or Tidalafil. You gotta just like a-

You do a video conference. Right. I prefer to wear like a fun, like I wear like a guy Fox mask and I tent my fingers. You did that? Yeah, when I meet with them. And they still gave it to you? Yeah.

They'll prescribe anybody anything. Really? Yeah. In fact, when you're talking, these are doctors. Mm-hmm. So you can always ask. They're probably going to say no. But you can say, look, as long as I'm here.

Can I get some coach? Can I get some depacote? Oh. You try to get oxys off them? Yeah. Let me get some xanies, beans, perc 90s. You know? Yeah.

A couple tabs. Yeah. Yeah. Doses. I'm trying to get it. I'm trying. I just saw Boslerman's Elvis. I'm trying to go that route.

Dude, it's so good. Yeah. I would go. I would go again with you. He kind of, in the end of his life, he kind of turned into a Korean woman. Elvis? Oh, Elvis.

Yeah, totally. You look at some of those last performances. It's like, is this Elvis Presley or Margaret Cho? I have no idea. He kind of, K.D. Lang a little bit. No? Yeah. Yeah.

Does your mom like K.D. Lang? No. She likes Bruce Springsteen and that's it. Really? Uh-huh. Oh, cool. Anyway, you go to this website. Promo Code, come town or come town 20.

We're going to get that changed to Adam Freiburg. Oh, he does look like a Korean woman. Yeah. Look at that beautiful lady. Welcome to the next level. You saw that movie, didn't it? Wasn't it annoying that the cotton ball in his lip the whole time?

No, it was great. Wasn't it distracting? No, Tom Hanks sucked, but the rest of it was great. This is a song that I just recorded. It's an old song. Call on chain not a day. He's panting. Wait, this is, this is, oh, this is his final performance.

It's all a chorus. Is he at the piano? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him a fingers cut and put in the keys. This is, this is me on the last episode of Come Town. Yeah. You're finished. Just play the, just play the Gene Donapoli video.

Dude, this is just like Keith Robb, what guy from the office? Black guy from the office? Uh, Craig Robinson. Craig, Craig Robinson. This was him the other night at the VU. Truly. Yeah.

He had another buddy with him who had like the name of a different, it was weird, but he was like, you know, he helped me down into the piano. And somebody had to like lower him down to the piano. And then he played. Yeah. He played for like an hour and a half panting. Like this.

Maybe he also saw Elvis and he's trying to go a Margaret show route. We got, we got, we're going that direction. Yeah. Anyway, if you go to bluetooth.com, you put in promo code come town or come town 20. You only pay the $5 shipping and get your first month free. If it doesn't work out for you, you cancel,

but I think it's going to work out for you. You're going to get your dick hard and you're going to satisfy ladies like, uh, like Jordan or any other. I was just satisfied just by the sheer structurally. It was a structurally sound object. You like it bendier? Well, kind of like one of those like a human dick. We're selling, we're selling tires.

You like one of those like air machines, salesman things. Yeah. Doesn't everybody know? I don't know. I don't know. Now I'm telling you, this thing was, you really could do some damage. It was like this, truly.

You guys know, you've done that. You make that noise. You guys felt like it was a part of your body when you did it. Speaking of part of your body, I had FaceTime sex the first time. Oh, yeah. How do you, have you done that a lot? Yeah. Okay.

If I'm holding the camera down on my stomach, right? No, no, no, no. You have to set it up where you can like, uh, you know, do the like spread the sushi, that kind of thing for the fella. You have to set up the camera. Yeah. You have to like brace the camera and then like freestyle. I just had it aimed at what I was doing.

And then I was looking at what he was doing, but the way that it was set up, it looked like I was jacking off. That was just a pandemic thing? Or you just showed your own hand? I did. No, no, I showed, yeah, it was my own hand. Exactly. But then I was, but the way it was set up,

because he was jacking off his dick, I was, it looked like it was me jacking off a dick serious. Talk about dysmorphia really made me feel like it was spooky. But am I supposed to show my face or my vagina? No, the whole package. No, I can't do that. I'm not going to set up a fucking Zoom meeting with my gut. You know what I mean?

I'm not going to do an audition tape. You set the phone up and then you do like a little, and if you're a Margaret show, make sure it's in landscape. So come down or come down 20 at bluetooth.com. No awkward visits to the doctor. No awkward visits to the what pharmacy. It gets sent to your house, discrete packaging. You get your dick hard and they taste great.

Like Flintstones kids. They do taste good. Yeah, I do it for the taste. I ate a whole thing of Flintstones vitamins once when I was like 10. Me too. I love the taste. My mom called the doctor.

And that's why you're so tall. A lot of people at home, they don't realize you're seven too. Yeah, seven too. All Flintstones. One over those. But I was like a huge fat kid. And I ate like a tub of these things. And my, my doctor was like, she's gonna.

Would you upstate, you probably just take it to the vet. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, they do. My fat daughter ate too many Flintstones vitamins. That's what the doctor said. Like your daughter will be fine. But you also need to work on this. You need to take her to the dog hospital.

I don't think we treat children like that here at St. Jude's. Just bring her around to the zoo. Take her to one of those brownie pussy dikes they got down at the zoo. Yeah. She'll set the girl straight. Yeah, anyway, are you still doing that right now? Oh yeah, it's over.

Yeah, the ads over. We're back. We gotta have more discreet commercial breaks. I think when we get the show going, especially as we transition to video. Yeah, it's gonna be more of a talk show. Here's what I want when we have the talk show. We have the set come up and I'll do this as the producer.

But for each one of the objects, remember that we're all going to the lobby thing? Right, right. So I'm gonna get a foam rubber costume of all the products. And I'll come out and I'll do a song and dance number as like a blue chew packet. Oh yeah, that's good. It'll be like a blue chew packet, but also take a blue chew.

And your dick will come out of the suit. It'll be like a confetti. I love that. You'll put a little curtain and it'll come out a little curtain in the suit. Yeah, yeah. And then we'll get, I'll get another guy who's in a dick costume, a big dick costume, and then-

Your boyfriend. And I'll be the blue chew. And then they can fuck me in the ass with their dick and come out of the dick costume. And then it's like, there's no better relationship than the relationship between your dick and blue chew or whatever. Two men in costume.

It'll just be 15 minutes long, I think. Fucking through holes. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. We gotta find someone to make those suits, though. I thought we were gonna talk about gun violence. We are gonna talk about gun violence. We still got the second half of the show.

We haven't even got into the monologue yet. Yeah, you're gonna like our monologue. We put a lot of work in it. Okay, cool. We tried to do this afternoon, but then I had too many walnuts and got into Mario Golf. Yeah, that happened.

Walnuts leads to Mario Golf. What was that with the recycling earlier? It was the bag was stuck in the trash can. Yeah, that was a little, that was excessive. I lost my temper. Yeah. You did. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if the bag gets stuck in the trash and then you lift it up in the whole garbage can, then he was slamming the trash can down and he was saying, God damn it. I got into an almost physical fight with a homeless man on the street outside the cellar for like the third time this month. Did he pretend he was from the future?

He pretended that he had one bad eye. The other one was like glassy and cum-colored, but I wasn't buying it. You know what I mean? Oh, so he was completely blind. He's like, no, I'm just, I'm only blind. He was like, oh, I'm blind. And I was like, you're not blind.

And he was like, I can't see anything. And I was like, shut up, you piece of shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. One of these people pretending to be blind. Oh, so yeah. So he had, he still had the other eye, but he was pretending he was blind.

Yeah. He was pretending he was like homeless and blind and really downtrodden by the life. And I was like, you can't fool me. Well, then what you say to that guy immediately is you're like, well, I'm a homeless black woman, so I got a bigger problem. Right, right, right.

I should have said that. If he says you're not black, then you say, ah, you've fallen for the Sphinx's gambit. Yeah. I'm from the future. So if you can see me. I'm going to write that down. You can, if you can see me.

The Sphinx's gambit. If you can see me and you know I'm not. Oh, yes. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. He's like, you think you got problems. I try to get that. I have a birthmark on my forehead that looks like a swastika. Yeah.

And then he can't be like, no, you don't. Because he's too busy pretending to be blind. Or I could just go back and be like, I'm actually a blind black man, sir. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just hit him hard with the, because I think that would activate him enough. Yeah, yeah.

And then he's like, well, you don't sound like a blind black man. You're like, that's why I've never been able to find my community. Mm-hmm, right. I've been, I'm like the 52 Hertz whale. Yeah, you can't play piano. Like the rest of the blind black guys. Yeah, mm-hmm, yeah.

That must be rough. It's got to suck to be like a little black kid that's blind. And then you're like, well, at least I can play the piano. And then you just suck dick at the piano. Yeah, that would suck. You just suck because you're blind. You just suck. Because you know that statistically,

it's got to be most of them. You got to be a little black kid. You lose your eyesight. And you think that piano is going to be your saving grace. And 99% of the time, they are just dog shit in piano. Yeah, it's only been two guys. Yeah. Yeah, that stinks.

And then you say, well, at least you're not going to be in a fucking gang now. You know? Well, I don't know. Maybe it's, you know, now you can beat the data from Star Trek. I don't know what the other kind of blind black guy there is. No, that's Jordy.

Jordy, sorry. Yeah, data is super white. I thought you're the Star Trek guy. What do you mean? Just because I'm like a nerd or like I'm an autistic guy? What does that even mean? I'm not a Star Trek guy. You answered your own question.

You do seem like a Star Trek guy. What is that? Adam smells bad, by the way, if you don't know. Why are you saying that right now? Because there's a girl here you're acting different. Well, I thought maybe she thought there was me that smelled. Don't call me.

Who's calling you? My girlfriend, she loves me. Oh. Pick it up. No. I keep my private private. I'm shy. Why do you smell bad?

I'm going to get you my outside. Because she doesn't want to be using aluminum-based underarm anymore. Really? Yeah. She's worried that he's going to get breast cancer. She doesn't want you to die? On some girl blog, she was like, you can't do it anymore.

So I have to use this natural crap. You have to do it. You can't live in New York and know whether or not. And I smell like shit. Yeah, you have to wear the real stuff. And it's 1,000% humidity. And like two minutes later, I already smell bad. And the Jewish thing.

Like out of the shower. The Jewish thing also. What do you mean? Jews smell bad? What's wrong with you? No, I wasn't saying anything. I was just. Small penis.

That's weird. Is that what you were saying? I was. I was trying to. Yeah. Yeah, OK. Of course. Is it the crocs and socks?

Is that the smell? They're not crocs. They're keens. No, it's my armpits. You want to smell them? I don't know. What if she smells them? And she's like, those are pheromones.

A homeless black guy did tell me that one time when I was a teenager. He's like, I remember he like bummed a cigarette off me. He's like, you give me a cigarette. I'll give you some advice. You ain't never going to forget. And he was like, yeah, he told me a story about fucking. Pheromones?

Pheromones. Pheromones are real. I tried to hook up with a guy. Very attracted to him. Couldn't get down with the smell. Really? Couldn't do it. Yeah.

Really? No, I think that's just people being unattractive because they smell bad. It's supposed to be the opposite. He didn't smell bad. It just wasn't the right. And when I had long hauled COVID, I lost my sense of smell for so long.

And I couldn't. I was like, I think my vagina's broken. I just can't get into it. And then when I could smell again, it all came back. Yeah. I just got COVID again. Yeah. Two times, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd it go? Did you lose your smell? No. The first time I did it for a day, and then the second time it was like nothing. I lost it for a year. Damn, that's so cool.

Really? Mm-hmm. You couldn't smell it anyway. Well, it all can't. When you have the long one, it comes back, but it smells like. Everybody was like, oh, it smells like rotten meat when it comes back.

It's all one smell. And it smells like dank bad pussies or it smells like. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom was gone for a day, and then it just came back suddenly and perfectly. It was like binary, right on off. Isn't it weird when you lose it, though?

It feels, it kind of, it's like going blind. It's a little weird. Yeah, I didn't even realize that I had lost it. And then I forget what I smelled. Then I stuck my nose in a bag of like tobacco. And I couldn't smell it. Yeah, spooky. So I didn't realize Marva chose all tatted up.

Do you think these are like Yakuza? Mm-hmm. Like gang related? They are. Because in their cultures, you're not allowed to have. A lot of cultures, tattoos, you have to be in a gang to have. Mm-hmm, yeah. Whereas in America.

Or a Holocaust survivor. Yeah, in America, you just need to be, you know, anybody can get tattoos. I don't respect tattoos. I'm sorry. Well, I hate them. I was never gone. They're disgusting.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Your parents should have stayed together. So you wouldn't do that to yourself. I hate my pair for them, yeah. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, I used to do a joke about after the Holocaust,

like to cheer themselves up. Like a Jewish guy's just getting a dollar sign tattooed in front of them. Yeah, that's good. That's very good. That's very client classic. That's funny. You always see those, the trash girls with like the date of their first child that they had when they were four years old.

You know what I mean? Right there. Really? How does that not offend people? Yeah, it'll be like 97. Wow. It's too close. Yeah, do it.

You know what I mean? Yeah. No. I don't know. I don't even know what they look like. I remember there was a Seventh Heaven episode where there's a neighbor that was in the Holocaust and Simon delivers their groceries or something.

Mm-hmm. And the sleeve comes up. And he's like, why does Mr. Feldstein have a tattoo? Mm-hmm. And the parents are like, well, because they have the wrong religion. Yeah, he's going to hell. Yeah, he's going to. He was already in hell.

He slipped and slipped out. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think Auschwitz was worse in hell or probably the same? Probably the same. I've been here and the Auschwitz wasn't the worst thing in the world. They had boxing fights. Who told you that?

I've just been coming up. People were like. Boxing fights? There were some Jews that could get cigarettes and they were higher up on the totem pole. Yeah, trustees. Yeah. No, Capos.

All right, I don't know the fucking name of it. The ones that would snitch to the Nazis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I also heard that that guy who wrote the book, that he was in the Holocaust. Ellie was El.

No, no, no, no. Primo Levi. The guy who wrote, fuck, something, another man, one man. Something about being a Holocaust and finding meaning because he was in the Holocaust. It's a very famous book. You gave me the book. The game.

No. A man search for meaning. A man search for meaning. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I recently heard he wasn't really in the Holocaust. And this is more of a come down thing, but Adam gave me the book and recommended it to me

and said it was very good. Yeah, I thought it'd be good for you. You know what I did read is the game. Neil Strauss is the game. I have read that. Yeah. And that was also from Auschwitz. It was.

He wrote it there. Yeah, about Negan. But he really was there. How to get books. I stole that book from my buddy just because I wanted to read it. And seeing the shit that he had highlighted was cripplingly funny.

Really? One of them was like, enter every room grinning. That was one of the. Oh, OK. Well, like the Coney Island guy? Yeah, yeah. Enter every room grinning. And now you can be in Bart and you

can see people who've read the game. Then you can be like, I see what you're doing there. Yeah. I never smile. I don't think. I've never seen you smile 100%. I do it in pictures sometimes. And then I look like a freak.

I've seen you smile. Yeah. When we saw that old gay guy at Pride the other day that looked like me at 70. That was that wasn't a Pride. It was outside of Caroline's. But it was during Pride. I got him with the best that you have ever gotten.

It was crucial. I mean, this guy, just this frantic old Jewish guy was stringy. I mean, he looked like Gaddafi and like fucking like a pink, tight like exit. Like, you know, when like a 70 year old Jewish guy is like, I got a personal trainer. It was perfect.

And then the gym clothes they buy, just like they're kind of like real loose. Yeah. Kind of flowy, lululem thing. It was perfect. And he had a little purse with him. He wasn't even like, I mean, it was like, I don't even know if he was gay.

No, he was like. He's just testosterone. Like a Jewish Floridian? That's what I'm hearing. No, it's like when you hit a certain age as a Jew. Yeah. Your testosterone has been gone for decades. You transcend gender.

Yeah. Just Nathan Lane in the bar cage kind of thing? Yeah. No, no, that's too femme. That's too like performative. It's just like you're neither male nor female. Yeah. You're almost there.

You're already there. I'm kind of, yeah. What did my lesbian friends say about you? That you were a transitional guy? I said that to her, actually. But she did agree. I love her. She got back together with that cunt, by the way.

Why? I know. It's crazy. Why? I don't know, because people like to be abused. I'm really upset about that. I know I'm really upset about it, too. It just happened today.

Oh my god. I really crushed it with a lesbian. She's going to cheat on her. She really liked you. She hits everybody. She's going to cheat on her with a woman who works for you. Lesbians hate me, and we became best friends. Also, speaking of homeless, when

I was trying to give that homeless guy the wings, you were trying to stop me. I really get in fights with those. It's almost been a lot. They drive me nuts around the cellar. I'm telling you, I got into almost a physical fight with two in one week. It's not good.

This one. Why? Because they get too close to you, and then you're like, hey, could you back up a little bit? And then they come. Like, he was just reaching in for the food. I can't stand the touching. Nobody should be touching.

It's like at the cellar, if you get off stage, and people try to do the good game, good game, high five. I'm like, get your disgusting little grubby ass. It's gross. So that's what happens. She's getting an air horn to blast in the face. I would love that. I would really, really love that.

That's a great idea. Well, because they're blind, so Mace does really nothing. But an air horn. No, Mace makes them stronger. I've tried it. But the air horn is a great idea. A little baton, just take him right out of the knee. Yeah.

Right in the ear. Man, an air horn is good. Yeah, I got into a fight with a guy who walked up to me. He just took a phone call basically on my body. We were just outside, and he just went, hello? And he was right next to me. I was like, what are you? He had a phone?

He had a phone. Yeah, he answered it, and he was like, this guy wasn't homeless, actually. And I was like, dude, you're just going to be that close to me. And he was like, yo, my woman will come down here and kill. And I was like, you are not. And then I started screaming at him, and then he said,

he goes, I'm going to spit on you. And that's when I was like, oh, I forgot. You surely will do that. And then I ran away from him. Jesus. The spitting. That's like it. I kind of always want to be one of those guys that picks a

fight, and then has my muscley girlfriend beat up women. I'm like, I just get drunk. I just didn't get the logistics of this guy. He's going to call his girlfriend and have her come. Kick his ass, baby. And then a big muscle woman comes out and beats a woman up. I'm like, that's right. We can make that happen for you.

Yeah. And then she carries me like a Julia Vins type. Just a. Oh, I forgot about Julia. Just do you know Julia Vins? Who's Julia Vins? Show me. Julia Vins up real quick.

She has like the face of a doll. She's this Russian. The body of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, Russian people. Karen Feehan. Yes. Karen Feehan does not look like this. No.

Look at that. She's pretty. Karen's pretty fucking jacked. Not like that. Yeah, Karen. Does she have to take testosterone to get there? I'm sure. I'm sure she's irradiated.

This is like only Russia could produce something like that. My sister's kind of like that, actually. Is she? Yeah, she looks like that a little bit. It's scary. Yeah. Whoa, that's not real. It is real.

That's photoshopped. What? She's got to be auntie. No. Look at her tiny little head. How'd she do that? Creatine. I guess, you know, you just got weird genetics over there.

I'm thinking about getting auntie myself. My other friend is thinking about getting auntie. Because he's sleeping all the time. Yeah, he's sleeping all the time. Yeah. I want to start. I never sleep. I can't sleep.

I haven't slept in four days. Really? Yeah, you start to feel like you're tripping all the time. Yeah. No, I mean, I sleep like four hours at night. It's like a real problem. I've tried everything. I'm like up to like three muscle relaxers

and I doesn't do anything. Just I try to hardcore like almost like a roof full of the other. I actually got good sleep last night. And I just actually, you know, usually I'll go to bed. And I'll turn the lights off. Because I think you're supposed to do that. Yeah.

I stayed on the couch. And I just watched Better Call Saul until I fell asleep. And I fell asleep at a normal time. Yeah, because you weren't thinking yourself to death. Yeah. Well, I don't really stay up thinking. I just, I mean, I do. But it's like not like anxiety or anything.

No, I don't know how people can do the like the on your market set. It's sleep time. Like when my buddies will do that. Like if I used to be able to, I used to be more active. I would like, even when I run six miles every day, I still really do it. Yeah. I'm not worrying or anything.

It's just as you're just up. Dude, it just doesn't the switch doesn't hit. Yeah. What does help? I did. If you take Nyquil, Nyquil is the key. No, but you feel like shit the next day. They have Z quill without like all the medicine.

Yeah, I take that too. Sometimes it's fun to just be sleep deprived and especially doing stand up. It feels great. It's like I'm you're fast on stage. Oh, so I was so hard the other day when I was like in like sparkly zone, almost passing out. You do great because you don't care. And you're like, this is a dream.

That guy's a lizard. Who fucking you know what I mean? Like everything's it's like doing stand up on mushrooms sometimes if you can get the right dosage. It's good. This is not real. Yeah. Gun violence.

Yeah. I mean, we kind of burn the whole. Well, look, there's already people saying, I don't know about this Adam Friedland show. No, I mean, last time they were talking about getting a studio now they're eating terror chips. So we're going to get a studio. It's going to be a proper late night talk show.

Yeah. Intellectual mind you. I was thinking more morning show. I was thinking Hoda and. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Kathy Lee. I was saying we want to do the show.

9 a.m. and you're drunk off wine already. Yeah. You know, you're a drunk and Persian bitch from Westchester. Yeah. And you drive you drive down to Midtown drunk every morning. Yeah. In your ass class. I would love that.

And you've got you get a DUI every day that they let slide. So that you can do the morning Adam Friedland morning show. That's my goal in life to marry a powerful woman and then just be on Xanax all day long. Yeah. Like a rich woman. One of a harem, yeah. Yeah.

Like kind of like to be Doug the wife of Kamala Harris. Yeah. And then just be in bed all day. Be tragic. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's probably what he's doing. Old school telephone like that red telephone right next to you.

Oh my god. Be incredible. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm going to do. I can imagine you with your your dick and balls tuck backs like shockingly easy right now. Like I can it's crazy how much I can pick.

No, every time I've done like a face app of me as a lady, it's. No, I don't imagine that. I really am just saying you with it tucked back with your legs slightly. I really doesn't have a buffalo bill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Buffalo bill.

Yeah, my legs aren't that nice. I'm happy to do. Yeah. Really easy. No, I will stop. I'll do it later. Yeah. OK.

I'm not going to do it for you. You're not going to do it. OK. I'll show you the other side. I'll show you the bowl. The bowl of fruit, you know. Oh, OK, OK, OK. I'm not going to show you the front.

OK. That's for my girlfriend. All right. It's too intimate. So should we do like the monologue? We could go through. I don't know. I think it might be too late for the monologue.

We have to go to Andy's. Do you really have a monologue prepared? Yeah. We had a whole monologue and we wrote all day for this. Did you really? Yeah. We prepared the whole day for it. I don't believe you.

Yeah. Oh, we did. I can't tell what's in here and what's not in here. How about you? It wasn't a productive day. No, we had a nice day. All right, let's give it a go. OK, how about you read?

I'm not reading anything. No, no, no, no. Our guests will read this one. OK. Oh, you're going to make the guests do the work? Yeah, it's like Norm MacDonald. It's nice. Read the one highlighted.

Who's Norm MacDonald? Well, yeah, you're Adam. I'm Norm. No, I'm Nick. Well, OK. Computer is nuts. OK. Read that one.

Monologue voice. We can update. OK, is this record or record? What? Record. Record, yep. OK. Well, that's not a crazy question.

OK. Record sign up for vasectomies after Roe v. Wade ruling. In fact, lines are so backed up, it's harder to get a vasectomy than it is to get an abortion. Yet, you don't see men protesting, which begs the question, are women just being whiny cunts? That's pretty funny, right? Do the sound effect.

That's like a monologue joke. OK. The Pope, want me to keep going? Yeah, do another one. The Pope dismissed resignation rumors following a knee injury, saying the thought never entered his mind. When asked for comment, he said, it's

going to take a lot more than a dick-sucking injury to get me out of this job. That's funny. Do another one. A North Carolina woman was left with a zombie flesh-eating disease after being chased by a skunk. She first noticed symptoms of the gangris condition in November, about a month after she

had a run-in with an aggressive skunk. While the suspect remains at large, he was heard fleeing the scene, saying, la bella fem ve leuse le couche avec moi plus moi. It's a peppy lapieu with a skunk. That was my joke. I wrote that one. Nick wrote, I think, all the other ones.

Maybe at the top, read some of them from the top. Ricky Martin was hit with a domestic violence restraining order. That's funny. Details haven't been disclosed, but considering Puerto Rico has some of the most lax domestic violence laws in the country, you know it's got to be bad.

One thing's for certain, she won't be living la vie de la locale, so. It's pretty good. I like that joke. Are we done? You want me to keep going? Joey Chestnut? Yeah, do that one.

Joey Chestnut says he's not feeling good after his 15th win in a row at the annual Coney Island hot dog competition, but said it pales in comparison to how bad he felt last month after winning the 10th consecutive title at the 10th annual dog shit eating. Why is 10th annual in there twice? It's 10th consecutive 10th annual. It's clumsy.

I should have changed it. It should just say it pales in comparison how bad he felt after his win this year at the 10th annual dog shit eating contest. I don't know, wait, yeah. Did you write 10th consecutive or me? I wrote 10th annual, and you put in 10th consecutive annual. No, I tried to say Philadelphia dog shit eating competition.

Philadelphia is funny. That's funny for jokes. Just the word Philadelphia. Yeah, like you know those clowns in Philadelphia at the Philadelphia dog shit eating competition. I hear you. You're not wrong, but I think what you were looking for was Kalamazoo.

Yeah, Philadelphia is funny. OK. Kalamazoo, what the hell is that place? It said, but where are we? Australia? Yeah, it sounds Australian. Is it not in Australia? No, it's in like Michigan or something.

What? Is it really? Yeah, Kalamazoo's here. Kalamazoo, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I guarantee you they've had a mass shooting in Kalamazoo. How do you spell it? It's in Michigan. Yeah, K-A-L-A-M-N-I-G.

If this isn't United States. Come on, bro. What? It's an intellectual talk show about gun violence. That's what we're going to have Thomas Sowell on. I'm going to try and trick him into spelling the N word. Tim Dillon loves that guy. Does he?

I think so. Dude, that guy, Thomas Sowell, is hilarious. He's the OG Ben Carson. It's in Michigan. He's way better than Ben Carson. You go back 100 years, that guy's on talk shows. He's like, black people are actually the laziest. He's pushing up his glasses.

Being like, oh, thanks for having me on, Adolf. You know, I actually read a study out of Japan that says that black people, they have the brains of walnut-sized brains. Oh, Adam was doing research for these. I see that he has a tab pulled up called Peppy Lapute. You were googling Peppy Lapute. I wanted to see things he would say.

Yeah. Maybe do the first joke, the Scrabble joke, and then we'll end the show. Scrabble has removed 400 slurs from its official word list, thereby giving up its title as the world's most racist board game, a title which is now held by monopoly George Floyd edition. That's pretty offensive.

What are these ones that are in black? These didn't make the cut. Those weren't finished. A South Jersey man went on a nude crime spree. Yeah. Finish it. South Jersey man went on a nude crime spree, but I don't even know what he did.

He hijacked a car. We'll get some new ones. Let me just score through the headlines in the New York Post real quick. Toddler, who lost both parents in a high-loaded park shooting, was found under dad's body. No, Nick, that's not funny. Oh, I'm sorry.

Irina McCarthy, Kevin McCarthy, and 88-year-old Steven Strauss have been identified as three victims killed when a ledgered gunman, Robert Crimo, opened fire. None of this. Cremo, yeah. Robert Crimo. It just happened. It's not very funny.

All right. OK, the toddler who lost both parents in high-loaded park shooting was found under their dad's body. Oh, wait. Here we go. Here's a better headline. I'm deeply, deeply sorry. Says the uncle of suspected Highland shooter,

Highland Park shooter, Robert Crimo. Let's see what this guy sounds like. Wow, we apologize. Our dame, Placo, just spoke with Crimo's uncle. Let's listen in to that. Crimo and Placo. Paul, thanks for talking to us. What did you want to say to the people who

were hurt, the families of the people that were killed? I just want to say I'm deeply, deeply sorry for everyone that lost their lives and got injured. From the bottom of my heart, it's heartbroken. And my heart is shattered to hear this. And I can't even believe it. I can't even believe it. Believe it.

And I just want to express my. I think this guy's mentally disabled. Yeah, it's not very funny. It's making me feel bad for him. Wait, that is the shooter? No, it's his uncle. Yeah. He was a white rapper.

All right, here we go. It sucks. New Yorkers face return of alternate. If I shoot people up, don't trust my uncle if he apologizes for it. Yeah. He's a bad guy. OK, read it.

It sucks. New Yorkers face return of alternate side parking after a two-year hiatus. It sucks, man, said Ricardo Sinclair, 43, an electrician who commutes to Manhattan from Piscipsi. Alternates, alternate side parking. That's what they call land in a dick in Margaret Cho's. Yes.

That's pretty good. Very good. All right. Pelosi, oh, here we go. Nancy Pelosi's husband was arrested for a DUI. Really? Yeah. Wow.

It should be a DUI hunt by the Cavort at Italian Resort owned by Andrea. There's too many Italian ones in this, I can't figure. All right, yeah, Nancy Pelosi's husband got a DUI. You probably think that stands for driving under the influence, but it doesn't. It's actually in this instance, it means doesn't understand why his Italian cunt wife gets away

with insider trading. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. It's woke. Hey, yeah, yeah, doesn't do. What the fuck does DUI stand for? Doesn't driving under the influence. Doesn't understand.

You know, this is what we've got to do a morning show. It's too late. I'd have three Zinfandel's. We have to meet Andy, too. And we also, yeah, we've got to go meet Andy. Who's Andy? I don't know, some guy that some guy's some famous YouTuber that's gone.

No, no, don't say it. You've said we've got to go meet Andy like seven times. Yeah, we're meeting the boy from Toy Story. Your show, I read, yeah. We get raped. We get raped in an alley. We're meeting Andy from Toy Story. Bargaret show strikes again.

All right, you guys have been great. Thanks for tuning in to what? Thanks for having us. Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. Bye. Check out Jordan. You got anything you want to plug? Oh, I got all sorts of shows coming up.

Go to my website, jordanjensoncomedy.com. I'll be at Helium Buffalo all this week. If you guys want to come out, I'm sure those tickets are not sold. Also, if you want to support the Adam Freeland show, we are getting a studio. We do have to meet Toy Story guy. Oh, I'm at Hilarities with Ian Fydance.

And then I'm headlining the next weekend. It's very nice. Check out patreon.com slash comtown. And we'll see you guys next week.