The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. ZIT – Bite Town

Episode Date: October 6, 2022

Houston Improv this weekend! Please come out! patreon.com/tafs

I yeah Don't look at my dick. Don't look at my dick. Don't look at my dick. What happened? You lost your microphone? Oh, no, papa. Oh, no, papa.

Folks, welcome to the Adam Friedland show, the weekly show. While Adam looks for his microphone, he somehow can't find it, even though it's attached to his head. I have both microphones. This is my fault. I'm sorry. I should goddamn it. Now it's stuck to me. What the fuck? My whole goddamn life is just wires. Wires fucking driving me insane.

It's stuck. Quick reminder, everyone, to watch The Plumber, the Peter Weir movie. The Peter Weir movie. The kind of movie that... Did you get it? You made it worse. You made it worse. Sorry, sorry.

No, you're okay. Don't worry. Well, Adam gets to his microphone untangled from the headphones. Folks, I'm in Houston this weekend at the Houston Improv Friday, Saturday, Sunday. The ticket sales are not going well, which it's actually not your guys' fault. Turns out that they only sell tables. So you have to find a friend, maybe there's some sort of buddy meetup. Maybe this is a chance to find your lover.

A sexual lover. Or hire an escort. Hey, do you want to go to the Nick Mullins stand-up comedy show where he's doing Subway Jared bits still in 2022? See his classic Harambe bit. See a whole hour of Harambe, the lion, and Subway Jared, Dominic Strauss-Kahn era material from when I quit.

I've been on tour for six months now. Wait, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, fuck, seven months, eight months have been on tour, and I've produced a big fat fucking zero in terms of new material. But I'm a good hang afterwards. We can chat and maybe you'll meet your lover. After that, next weekend, I'm in Phoenix, Phoenix, Arizona.

Phoenix, Texas. That should all be one state. Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, New Mexico, Nevada. For ever, I always thought that was bullshit, that those are two different places. They're not even bordering one another. Yeah, but they're the same.

They both start with N, and I got a lot to say about that. If I don't mind if I blue chew, maybe we get some more information about blue chew coming up a little bit later. That's exciting. Stay tuned for that. Why the hell do people say see a later alligator? Because they... Yeah, go ahead.

Why don't you go ahead and try that to an actual alligator? Yeah, good luck, buddy. Good luck, buddy. Tommy was live. Go ahead and try saying that to an actual alligator. I look at him and I say, pal, why don't you try saying that to an actual alligator? And see where that gets from.

A one-way ticket to Bite Town, pal. That's where you're going. In fact, I think I'll be playing Bite Town next week. Oh, jeez, hope the crowd's better than this one. Yeah, that's good. I hope the folks over at Bite Town are a little bit better than you guys. That's pretty good. What else have we got, folks?

You see Dominic Strauss-Kahn is in the news. Dominic Strauss-Kahn's back in the news. Dominic Strauss-Kahn's back in the news. Who was the former leader of the World Bank arrested for molesting? He was molesting an African woman in a bathroom. I don't know what's worse, that that woman got raped in there. That's probably the first time she's seen a bathroom in her entire life, folks. I'll tell you, you know who couldn't wait to get on a plane from Africa here?

Is that lady? And the last thing she said was see a later alligator, but she meant it for real. Because she was never coming back. The jungle is filled with alligators. She was never coming back to the heart of darkness, the dark continent. Black Africa, they used to call it black Africa. You know the original title of that book was Fart of Darkness,

and it was about how stinky the Congo was. No way. No way. It's crazy, some Polish retard managed to write a book. I didn't think they had books there. In Poland? Yeah, I think I thought they only had the tube shaped meat products. Kielbasa.

Yeah, Polish people, how about that? They're very red. Polish people? Yeah, from alcoholism. They got very red. Do you ever go up to Green Point and see those fuckers up there? They got skinheads up there. What's the timestamp?

I don't know. Okay, I gotta keep, for the ad reads, I gotta keep a little... I'm feeling good, dude. I took my vitamins. It's necessary, now that I'm a vegan, I have to take those fucking vitamins. You need iron and stuff? Iron you can get from spinach and broccoli and stuff. They don't put iron in at least the multivitamin I've used forever,

because it's easy to get too much, I think. And then you get heavy metal poisoning? Yeah, you become... No, you become... You become Rob Halford. Oh, sick. Yeah. I think I'll go heavy metal poisoning.

You're like, no, it's HIV from being a homosexual. No, no, no, it's... It's heavy metal poisoning. It's heavy metal poisoning. It's from doing too much hard work. I swam my bones. Yeah. I swam my bones and it's messed up.

I jump his bones. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I might just be a British moron for the rest of the time we ever... I realize that the British moron was Rob Halford, the homosexual lead singer of Judas Priest. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something.

How do they say it? They say sang. Sang. Let me tell you something, son. Let me tell you something. Don't son me. Don't come to where I live and try to son me. I'd like to see them try to son me.

Just reading about this. I found out they're doing this in New York. They're doing a sonning each other. Why don't you come down to Australia and try and son me. See what happens. Later, alligator. That's what I'll be saying to you. First they let the blacks in, then you start getting sunned.

That's why we have to close the border. What else is in the news? I tried to fuck a guy, but I'm straight. Rob Halford is back in the news. Rob Halford is back in the news. Yeah, folks. Guys, also, I want to wish all of our Jewish listeners a very meaningful Yom Kippur fast.

You really got into your shit for Yom Kippur this year. I promise my mom I'd go. That's good. I'm happy for you. As long as you don't revert the Zionism, I'm fully on board with this new Jewish, even more Jewish Adam. I'm going to go more Jewish and more religious.

Go back into my spirituality, which I was never really into. I was more into music. I think that would be good for you. Yeah, maybe it'd give life some meaning. Give life a little bit of context. Maybe stop worrying just about myself. Start seeing myself as part of something bigger. Who knows?

Maybe we could have a rabbi on for one of the video episodes. We could get that guy. What's his name? Rabbi Shuley. That guy that goes on TV. I think he's a scam artist. Yeah, he had a show I remember. It was called Shalom in the Home.

I tell you, if they had that guy around, they'd have to rabbi shoo me away from all the pussy that he'd be bringing in here. Oh, yeah. He likes him. Yeah. He likes them. His whole crew.

Yeah. His whole crew of bitches. Some yum kippur. Yum. There's a lot of Jewish holidays. Now that we have to go to B&H all the time. They're closed all the time. They're constantly closed for another holiday.

Well, once a week, they're closed for the Sabbath. And then, yeah, B&H is closed today for yum kippur. Yeah. That is very fun. They saw Christmas and they're like, what if we do it all the time? What if we had a million Christmases? What if we just had Christmas every week?

What if we had Christmas, but it was just more boring and didn't involve, you know... What if I built a tiny house outside of my house and we eat conchocular in there? That's the funniest one. Yeah. Suck it? Suck it.

Yeah. That one's funny, and then their Halloween is pretty funny. Honestly, though, do you feel good about doing the yum kippur stuff? I feel like my mom would have liked that I went. Did you feel like connected with her or something? No, I did not. Well, they do a prayer for if you have a dead parent. They do something.

That's really nice. I stayed in the room. Everyone else has to leave if you have an immediate relative who's dead. You stay in and they do the thing. And I felt like that was good. I wish I could have some kind of spiritual connection. Unfortunately, all I got is my gadgets. You got your wires.

I got my wires and my gizmos. Yeah. And sometimes Nick gets them crossed. Yeah. You know? You got your wires crossed, pal. He gets his wires crossed, pal. You ever notice how people say,

don't get your wires crossed? Yeah. Pal, show me one guy who hasn't done that. Yeah. I got a drawer at my parents' house where I live, filled with wires and they're completely crossed. Yeah. They're just jumbled up.

So what are you saying? I have schizophrenia. I'm a schizophrenic guy that does comedy for some reason. All right. Next joke. Next joke. Bite down. You see me next week and bite down.

Yeah. I'll get you a one-way ticket to bite. Was that story you have about him sit talking about the Orioles? Oh, yeah. He's on the podcast. He's landing. Yeah. Shitting on the Orioles and two guys just casually leaving the bar.

Oh, that too much for you. Get a Tom. Boom. Get, get them. Oh, and you speak of Tom fans. Stay on him about coming on the show. Apparently he's going on a big podcasting tour. He goes on the chapeau trap house podcast.

You know, I listened to five minutes of that on the plane. I couldn't tell them apart. It was like five Tom Myers sitting in a room. Yeah. Yeah. And now I have to fucking, they have to boast to me. Oh, we had Tom on. How about mom tires?

Yeah, that'd be sick. She's like, y'all want some, y'all want some Michelin's? How you doing? My name's Sandy. I'm 832 pounds and I sell used tires. I sell them. Myself, personally, I'm mom tires. That's the name of my business.

And I'm also gay. Yeah. My tire. And a riddle bit, Chinese. Just a riddle. Just a riddle bit. I'm just a riddle bit. I just got my 23 and me.

Chinese Tom Myers being like, yeah, why do they call him the riddler? It seems like this guy's the same size as less of them. Yes, that's good. He's about the same size as the rest of them, but they call him the littler. I was thinking they should call him the normal size guy. Yeah. The guy that's the same size as everybody else. I guess that's what the question marks are for.

You see him and you're like, yeah, this guy's ridder than the rest of the guys. And you look at him and you're like, no, he's not. And it's like, what? What the hell? And that's what all the exclamation points are. You know, they got a new riddler coming out to the movie. Yeah. Who's playing the riddler?

It's trans. Really? And the question marks are what are the gender identity? Really? Yeah. The gender list. The gender list on TBS. The gender list.

The gender. The gender. The gender. The gender. The gender. Yeah. I solve crimes. Yeah.

He just shows up at the crime scene. So what you're thinking, folks, what even is that? They're like, I use my, I use the power of men's logical thinking and women's intuition to solve crimes. He solves crimes with his fake tits and his giant cock. Yeah. That'd be cool. I'd watch that show.

Yeah. What would you, what would you do while you're watching it? Would you masturbate? No, they wouldn't show that on network TV, but they didn't apply the giant dick. Mm-hmm, you know, and they wouldn't show nip, but they show everyone getting horny for the gender. Mentalist. The gender and to list.

He's got, he's got mobile genders. He does. Damn. No, I feel sick again from hitting that. I think that's a problem. Yeah, problem. I wish that thing wasn't around. It's not good for you.

And it's bad. It's terrible. And I quit. And then, you know, like just getting work done all day, just getting stuff done. It's hard not to do a little bit. Yeah. You should get a wife that you can beat. I'm not, I'm not a wife beater.

Yeah, but that seems like a nice way to polish off a good day's work. I'm a wife ignore. Yeah. That's, that's, that's my wish you'd hit me. Yeah. I wish you'd hit me because at least you acknowledge that I'm here. Literally. Yes.

That's one, that's every relationship I've had. That's the problem. At least if you hit me, we'd be closer. The amount of times I've heard it's like you're not even there. Yeah. I just wrote that in the thing I was writing. Oh, the thing you're writing. Yeah.

It feel like you're 1000 kilometer away. Folks, are people still doing postcards? All letters right there. Everybody can read it. Yeah, it's true. What if you wrote on there? Hey, I'm gay. Don't tell anybody.

I hope nobody sees this. Postcard. Yeah. Yeah. I'll try that one out and bite down next week. Yeah. I'll be in my town four nights at the comedy lodge. Yeah.

I'd like to see you try and say that to an actual alligator. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. There was this nerd that I went to high school with. I probably said this on the old podcast, but this is not a nerd besmirching podcast. I'm not going to talk shit, but he was hometown may have been a nerd besmirching podcast, but the Adam Friedland show is pro

nerd. There was this kid. This is a wire and gizmo show. And when that's not happening, guess what? It's fucking Yom Kippur, pal. Yeah. It's secot. It's Rosh Hashanah.

Uh-huh. It's what's the other one? It's Passover. Yeah. Simchat Torah. Simchat Torah. You know, that's the one where they get drunk. You're supposed to get drunk.

On Manichevitz. You get drunk on shots of potato vodka. What are some of the other Jewish holidays? Um, Shmini at Sarat. And that's Toyota truckathon. Yeah. Toyota truck month. And they're losing their goddamn mind over there.

Yeah. Um, it's fuck a thon at the Toyota dealership. Come on down now and fuck Larry, the finance manager. It's Toyota fuck month. Show your pussy to Larry. It'll fuck you. It's fuck a thon. It's Toyota fuck month.

It's Toyota trans sales event. We're trying anything. We're trying anything. No one's buying these cars. Are you trans? Please buy a car. If the bank's allowed to be gay, why can't Toyota be gay? It's true.

Come on down for gay trans Toyota day. No money down. There's going to be a car, a car dealership to a Pride month event. I'm sure there has been. Yeah. It's Mazda Pride event. So, oh yeah, there was this nerd I went to school with named Richard. They're always, they were, they always have their full name.

You notice that gay guys and nerds. Dick. Yeah. Dick. A nice straight guy named Dick. Yeah. But they're either like, they're all Christopher Richard. Yeah.

Richard was a nerd and he's, he said all of high school that he had a fiance and that it was Wiccan and then probably huge kids. Yeah. Nothing like, nothing like a Wiccan girl with a huge cold tits. Yeah. Shoes up. Yeah. They're just the pastiest.

They're poorly circulated. Yeah. They got the blue veins. Yeah. Yeah. They're veins like a penis. You pull them out. Yeah.

You pull them out and you're like, Jesus, are you using a walk-in freezer for a bra? Why are your tits blue? Folks, have you ever noticed that these Wiccan girls have cold tits? Yeah. I'll be trying that one out in bite town next week. So he had a bumper sticker that said, don't be mean to dragons because you'll end up getting burnt. Damn.

I did a fucking number on my back on those wires. Yeah. Dude. I'm sorry, man. It's all right. Nick is killing himself for the show. I did it the most. And guys, listen, the studio is looking pretty right.

This week we have our second install. We're pretty fucking excited about how things are going to come along. And if you want to support the show and you want to support the, you know, whatever, whatever is going on and what we have planned, we're looking at next month is going to be the official launch of the new Adam Friedland show. So guys, you can go to patreon.com slash T.A.F.S. And you can subscribe. You get twice as many episodes.

You get exclusive video content. There's a couple of videos up there right now that we've already done. We have more in the works right now. So go to patreon.com slash T.A.F.S as a little plug, the Adam Friedland show. What did Steven said? He started a podcast called the friends and guys podcast is like, stay tuned for fags episode one. I love Steve.

We got to have Steven on the show more. Yeah. He he was on the show that went on without yeah, I know, but he got afraid to talk about all. Yeah. He was like, yeah, Adam, I feel like I didn't I really blew it on the show doesn't. Yeah. People it takes a while for people to you got to turn off the you got to forget that anyone's

listening. Yeah. You know, you got nervous. It's serious. I could see it in your face. I got nervous. But I warmed up. No, you know, I was it was just there's something more about going into a studio and you know,

it's live. Yeah. And you know, there are cameras and those heavy doors that close doors. Yeah. It's just like I was thinking and I was like, wow, this is like when I was watching Howard on E jacking off to the blurred titties as a youth. I was like, no, no, I'm now I'm a pair of blurred titties. This is huge for me.

But you know, I think I got the during the second second block. I think I was I felt a lot more comfortable at first. I was a little show. Folks, you hear this song blurred lines. Yeah. This guy's talking about when it's okay to rape a girl. Mm hmm. It makes you wonder Robin thick.

Does they mean thick headed? Yeah. What a freaking moron. Yeah. To write a song like that. You got to be a freaking idiot to rape. It got me thinking I'm going to start writing a song and it's called can I eat Hillary Clinton's pussy and I'll be in the I'll be in the studio all week recording that one.

If anybody wants to talk to me after the show. Imagine the song version of that Hillary yeah. She walks in the room. She's got an old car. I want to lick it. I want to suck it. You know I'm Tom Mars. Can I suck you?

Can I suck you? You know I want that old car. Let me suck it. Let me just let me and from the bottom of your the drapes that you wear now the ten thousand dollar drapes that Hillary Clinton wears his clothes. It's true. She what is she? She dresses like fucking like like in like sci-fi when she dresses like Kim Jong-un, but she

dresses like it. She dresses like a North Korean sci-fi when there's like a religious leader. There's like a premiere. Yeah. It's also just the Benny Jezorin. Right. Yeah. Exactly.

Just in communion with God. Yeah. Yeah. She dresses herself. I'm the high priestess of fucking hell. Hello. I am Reverend Mother Hillary. Yes.

Yeah. We're gonna have a big month. We're actually asking Hillary Clinton's permission to do gay month at Toyota. Oh man. Here. We gotta watch. Here at fuckface Toyota. We gotta watch her.

We gotta watch her. We gotta watch her show where she learns she learns how to be a comedian. With the French clown. With the. Well the French clown is a clip from it, but it's Hillary and Chelsea Clinton learning about comedy. I think we can watch it and then learn about comedy too. What we gotta do right now.

Let's hear it. Is we're gonna have to. What we gotta do. We're gonna have to talk about. My bookie. My. Bookie. Dot.

A. G. Five years ago I had a stroke and I've been living off disability, which wasn't enough to actually keep myself alive. So I figured fuck it, I might as well gamble my disability checks. So I've been going to my bookie dot A. G. and placing money lines on what are you pulling up? The website. My bookie dot A. G.

Folks, the NFL season is in full swing. The Raiders are one in three guys. You can bet on fucking sports at fucking my bookie dot A. G. And the full website is mybookie dot A. G. Don't put the F word in it. Guys, they have a sports book, they have casino, they have racing. You can deposit money, you can deposit bitcoin, you can deposit your seed. They got contests. Let's see what their contests are nowadays.

Oh, they got a my bookie super contest. Think about it. Think you know about football. Pick five games against the spread each week and earn points for the wins. A battle for huge cash prizes all SZN long, I don't know what that means, SZN. Oh, oh, it's a cool way of spelling season. Oh, Mr. G. Chinese. Oh, black lives matter.

Oh, Chinese is a fuck. If you are Chinese, you're a fuck. If Japanese, you're a crew. If Chinese, you're a fuck. My bookie dot A. G. They got another contest called survivor contest. That's where survivor, who remembers that TV show? It's still on TV.

Lot of fun. You know what else is on TV? The Simpsons. It is. It is. What happened to that damn Jeff probes? I had a weird moment the other day when I realized that I'm the age now that Homer Simpson was when the Simpsons started.

Is that right? He is. I'm doing 33. Yeah. I'm the age now that Homer was when the Simpsons started. That's good. Got me wondering, what's next? Am I going to turn into a cartoon character?

Am I going to get a big gut and I should start drinking Duff beer? I guess you folks aren't television fans. I guess we don't have TV owners in here. I met a girl the other day at a bar. She told me she doesn't have a TV in her apartment. I said, so how do you watch TV then? She says, I don't. I said, well then, how the hell do you, I said, fuck you.

That's pretty good. I don't think it's nice to talk to women though, I tell them. By the way, tomorrow at 9 AM, we're good on the floor. So after we wrap this up, we got to move everything over to the equipment room. So they can, and then I guess I'm going to have to, let's do it, I'll get those outlets put in now because I'm not going to be able to bring that ladder on the floor after. All right, cool. At least I'm not going to be able to drag it all over the fucking floor after.

Okay, let's finish this, My Bookie. So they got the My Bookie Super Contest, the My Bookie Survivor Contest, or you a survivor, approve it. Pick one team each week, straight up, no spread. If your team wins, you move on to the next week. If they lose, you're fucking out. You can't pick the same team twice. How long will you survive this win or take all contests?

They have another one called Squares. Get hyped for every quarter of action with Squares. Select your NFL or NCAAF, what's NCAAF? That's Black Fags. What's up, man, we're the Black Fags. Oh, that's the NAACP. We're a biker gang. Yeah, we're the Black Fags.

NCAAF Squares. Isn't that one of the New Zealand rugby teams? The all black fat, no, the Black Fags, the Black Fags, Squares on the game board and choose the score. Winners get paid every quarter. Terms and conditions apply. Guys, you go to fucking my bookie.com. You sign up for dot A G. You sign up.

You get your bonus. Okay. They got these great contests. They have live betting. They have casino. They have races. It's like a day at the track with the ponies. Let's see who's coming up.

Oh, Delta Downs. What's going on over there? They got a bunch of Southern arslers. In race one at Delta Downs, I'm going to be picking my boy Sam. Oh, heavenly Trump. Heavenly Trump. He's a 15 to one. He's on the outside, he's in the 11th gate.

All right, guys, so go to my bookie.ag, you put in promo code come down to come down 20. You get all this fucking free shit. You get free money. You get free everything. They got the best odds. You don't need to download a nap. You just do it on your browser. They have live in game wagering and it's on all fucking sports.

So go to my bookie.ag, promo code come down, come down 20. Thank you. My bookie.ag. My bookie.ag. Wow. It's crazy. You could bet on preseason basketball, but those games are real. What do you mean they're not real?

Well, they don't like, it's not like they're competing. They play their starters for like 10 minutes. They don't like, they're not trying to win. You know, I realized the other day, if you take the word letter P out of the word competing, what do you get? Commuting. Nice. Yeah.

Yeah. That's two. He's like, I've finally written a joke. It took 35 years to stand up comedy, but I actually happened upon a joke. I figured it out, folks, folks, let me ask you something. You're at home. You're showing your penis to your wife for the first time. She's she's spewing a bunch of Thai gobbledygook.

You're, you're, you're 15 Budweiser's deep and the thing won't get hard. What do you do? You wait seven minutes until the Bluetooth read and you go back to this. Let's go back to it. Yeah. Damn. Okay. Well, good.

I'm glad that's now that that guy emailed me back. It's like, good. It's now there's a deadline. So I have to get all this other shit done and then we're done, done, done, done, done. What do you mean? With the room. If stuff is done, then it's just, then it's just shit gets dropped off, light it. You know what I mean?

Yeah. This is the last thing. And then that's the last thing. And then, and then lights and sound. Yeah. Also too, I got to block out one more of these windows. So do that. I can do that tomorrow.

I think they're polishing the floors. They're going to. I don't know. I really don't know about the floors, but I imagine they buff them and then they're going to lay down like some kind of oil based fucking like. So will we have access to the unit tomorrow? Yeah. We're sliding around.

Yeah. They're going to just do it. He's coming to 10 a.m. You're not even going to be awake. No. You're going to be dreaming about Jewish heaven. I'm going to be dreaming about next year. Did you make a brisket?

No, that's for Rosh Hashanah. Rosh Hashanah. What do you say? It all lazy. Rosh Hashanah. Rosh Hashanah. That's for Rosh Hashanah. Because Jews are tired.

Y'all, I'm tired. Jews are tired. Y'all. I'm tired. I'm tired. What do we got coming up? No, you don't eat for this one. Halloween.

Do we want to do something spooky for Halloween? Of course we want to do something spooky. A bunch of dead bits. We're going to do. Yeah. What we're doing is we're going to go to the bit graveyard. We're killing the show for Halloween. Yeah.

We're going to murder the show. Yeah. It would be funny if like we just never like something. Never came out with the show. Yeah. Yeah. It's common, dude. They're three guys who are like, I know it.

It's common. It's common. I hope we can at least do some of the other stuff. You can call me a fag. You can call me a kik. But if you call me a goddamn liar. Actually, I've lied plenty of times. I've lied so many times.

You can also call me a liar, I guess. But I'm not lying about this one thing. Yeah. The show is coming out. And then what we also need to do, because look, we do have the premiere episode with a big guest. We got our big celebrity guest with over one million Instagram followers. We need to hit CAA to like just fill the calendar.

I know. I talked to them. Also, Jim said that they would actually probably help with that. I think like Jim Norton. Yeah. Well, he just goes to New York. He just gets Ian. No, no, they had.

They have like big guests that go on that show. Yeah. Well, we need a producer like Dermot McAllery or Tom Scarrett has been on the show. Oh my God. Yeah. Huge. We could have Diane Lane on the show. Oh my God.

Dude, she's so hot. Kira Sedgwick. Diane Lane is so hot. We got folks. I'm sorry. I just want to fuck the first first episode of TAFS. We've got Kira Sedgwick coming on. Kira Sedgwick from musical guest Chinese guy featuring Dracula.

Yeah. The from the from her Kira Sedgwick from China, the gender lentilist, the gender lentilist. Yeah, they got this show bones. Folks, I watched it guys. They got this guy David Boreanus in this damn show. Bones. There's not a single skeleton on the show. Yeah.

I mean, I guess the people have skeletons in them, but then you could call any show. Yeah. Bones. In fact, I was saying they should call every show bones except for the Simpsons because those are cartoon characters. That's the only one where they can't use it. Hey, how about family guy? Yeah.

How about family? Who else would we want on the show? Folks, write in. Tell us what you want. It's also two. I want to get. We want Tom. We want Tom.

We want Tom. Yeah. Guys, get in Tom's messages, tell him the offer stands at $10,000. I'm going to figure out a way to get it where we can have people call in and it just pipes into the studio. I'm so hyped on that. We could do we could do like a like a Dr. Drew love one. Yeah.

If we get what we need is a we get the switchboard because at some point doing live shows would be cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we should we should figure out how to do that. But you're right. Yeah.

What are you doing? You're coughing. It's just a little cough and it's dusty in this damn place. Damn. I'm excited now that I know now that I have a deadline and I can I can go back out there and keep getting work. Now I just want to it's it's how much shit do we have to move? What's that?

We don't have that much. Not that much shit, but we got to get all the tape off the floor. And then once everything's moved, they're just doing in front of the flats. Yeah. Once everything's moved, I want to just get these. I've been intimidated by by doing folks. I know you guys think I'm a moron, but I'm not stupid enough to touch electrical wires. Good.

Unless I know exactly what I'm doing. But I think I don't know what I'm doing, but I think I got a handle on it. I just need to throw outlets on those those two pots up top. Yeah. That's great. And then we're going to be plugging shit into the ceiling. Yeah. You can plug the lights in up there.

Yeah. That's great. And then also I should I should clamp down. You know, I guess maybe I'll just get some like heavy duty felt. And then if we need to, because I will have to get up there to move lights around once we get the DP in here. So just put that under the ladder. But are the ladders going to fuck up the new floors?

That's why you need like felt or something to put the felt on the bottom. Yeah. Oh, I got you. I got you. Guys, we're getting new floors. I'm excited. What else? What else?

So I work at 7 11, but you know what that means means I'm half Indian, half Japanese. Mm hmm. What's he up to? What are you doing? What are you doing? My girlfriend doesn't have keys. So she's going to come meet here. Oh, she's coming here.

Yeah. Damn. I have to piss so bad. You can we can pause. You can go pee. Do you want to just try to do five minutes on your own while I go piss? Yeah. Let me see.

Why don't you make up a monologue? I'm going to go piss. I'll be back. Monologue about what? Folks, I don't have a bladder problem. I just drank a gallon of water. He drank it in the store before he checked out because I was thirsty all day and I didn't. I was working and I didn't think to drink water, but I got a piss now.

I'll be back. Well, Nick said makeup of monologue, but I'm going to interpret that as not knowing about the monologue, not knowing that it's a comedy monologue for a talk show. I'm going to do a dramatic monologue from a play about Greenwich Village in 1981. Greenwich Village, 1981. A plague has descended on me and my friends, the queens, the fags, the gossips, the fairies, the butt boys, the sailors, the bikers, the leather daddies, the subs, the doms. We're all dying.

Who will it claim next? I moved to New York City for one reason, one reason only, to be a fag. Everyone growing up in my small town in Iowa said that I could never be a fag. I could never be like one of those big city faggots. I moved here with a stick and a spindle over my shoulder. I walked from Iowa to New York City. When I arrived, I saw faggots everywhere. Boys with handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets,

fucking in alleyways, dumpsters, garbage trucks, sneaking out in the margins of society. They know a plague has descended on us. Everyone's dying. Who's going to die next? They say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. It's John Lennon who said that. Who's also a fag. Hello?

Hi, doctor. What is it? I do? Is there a cure? No. Okay. Well, yes. I've had rough trade sex recently. Okay.

Well, thanks. Semper five, brother. Okay, so what was your story about? It was kind of a dramatic monologue. I kind of lost a fell off the fell off the wheels fell off the tracks, but it was like kind of jumping shit on motorcycles anymore. Mm-hmm. You know?

Yeah, Keneval kind of really just was the only one we had his son. Oh, his son. He had Keneval Junior. Yeah, Richard Keneval who liked computers. Like you go check this out. And then he the overclock is his pentium. So, yeah, I just talked about, you know, it was kind of one of those angels in America style AIDS plays.

Mm-hmm. You know, so I just did a dramatic monologue about growing up in Iowa and everyone telling me that I could never be a fag and telling them I was going to go to the big city to be a fag. And then a plague has descended upon us. And then all my friends are dying. Who will save us? President Reagan, is that you?

Reagan. President Reagan. President Wagon. Is that you? Is that you? President Wagon. Are you there, God? It's me, fat titty girl.

Um, folks, if you're like me, your dick doesn't work. Yeah. Like Nick. Folks, if you're like me, your dick does not work. If you're like Nick, your dick doesn't work. And the only way to fix that is by going to bluetooth.sexy. Guys, in recent studies conducted across America, it was found that all men, or at least 99.5% of men,

cannot get an erection. So you go to bluetooth.com and it says have a better sex, discover your options with an online provider. And provider means some bitch on it. They made you do a Zoom meeting, right? Yeah, I did a Zoom. I didn't have to do a Zoom meeting. I did a Zoom with a nurse practitioner, not a real doctor.

You get included. I said, I didn't know that. I had demanded a real doctor. Bluetooth is a dick-chewable company. 40% of Americans hate taking pills. Bluetooth, they invented a chewable form of generic viagra, seagullis, and levitra. And it's 100%, what's included is 100% U.S. licensed medical providers,

prescription consultation for Sildenafil, Tidalafil, or Verdenafil. Professional, look, I didn't fuck those words up at all. Yeah. That's all it takes. Vitamins in my brain is working again. Dude, you're fucking, you're cooking with gas. Yeah.

No waiting rooms, no appointments. Guys, it's probably changed the lives of every single person who has listened to this podcast. But if it hasn't, you can go online. You can talk to one of their licensed medical providers. No awkward in-person visit to the doctor, no awkward trips to the fucking pharmacy where they laugh at you.

They ask you not to come back. They say, come back when you're a real man. And I say, you're not even from this country. And then they say, fuck you. So, guys, you don't have to do any of that shit. You can go to your apartment or home in discreet packaging, like a fucking secret agent. It doesn't say dick pills on it.

And then you can rush to the fucking mailbox and hide it from your girlfriend. I choose my backpack to hide it in. I have 100 dick pills on me at all times. And whenever we're making love and she says, why does your breath taste like blue raspberry candy? I say, it's because I like candy. And she should mind her own fucking business.

She says, well, I want some blue raspberry candy. I said, no, I ate the only one. Lips like sugar, sugar pussy. Folks, have you heard this song, Lips Like Sugar? Yeah, it sounds like you'd get diabetes from sucking your wife off. You ever eat pussy so hard? Your legs have to be amputated. And she's going to want to get back at Bill

for all that shit he pulled. Yeah. Sorry, folks. I was thinking about this fat girl in Byte Town. Let's just say we got a date with Destiny. Is that her name? It could be. I'll write that down.

That's good. What's your name? Destiny? What's your name? Destiny? Because I got a date with Destiny. She said, no, my name is Michelle. And I said... Have you ever been to a stand-up comedy show? I said, have you ever seen a man

pursuing a nightmare at 40 years old? A lot of people pursue their dreams, but some folks pursue a nightmare. Some folks pursue a nightmare before Christmas. Yeah, that's what Chris Angel said when I saw him live, that a lot of people follow his dreams, but he followed his nightmare. He followed his nightmare.

Yeah, that's pretty good. I like that a lot. Anyway, guys, you go to blueshoe.com. You sign up. You talk to one of the people. In my book, you use promo code COMTOWN or CUMTOWN20. You sign up. You talk to one of their licensed medical providers,

and they give you your first month free. All you have to do is pay $5 a shipping, and then you can get your dick hard. We can't guarantee your girlfriend. We can't guarantee that you'll last long. You might still bust quick, but it'll get hard as fuck. That's all girls want. You don't have a hard old fashioned penis?

You might have a hard penis. She said my penis is small, and I told her, no, it is old fashioned. What's going on? Girlfriend problems? No, she said she'll be here in 20. Okay, we'll be done. 20 minutes.

Okay, so, Sarah. Ah, fuck. Now I'm like, no, I'm just anxious because there's much shit to do. Oh, we just got to move all that stuff. She'll help us. Yeah, move the stuff. I'm going to put that bitch to work.

Move the stuff. Get those outlets done. Which outlets? Oh, up top. Yeah, the ones on the ceiling. And then also think about that pipes loose. So I should at least... No, that's fine.

It's fine. Don't worry about the pipe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can do that later. Yeah. I'm just trying to minimize. I don't want to pay to have the floors fucking look nice because they're going to be on camera, folks.

We're not insane making floors look nice for us. Are we going to have a no shoes office? Or are we going to have like an Asian family? You're going to have to wear booties. I'm going to wear booties. We're going to wear painters booties even while doing the show. We're going to wear a suit with painters booties on. Yeah, because Nick doesn't want me to ruin the floor.

Now that I have nice floors. Jesus, I really am turning into just an old queen. Yeah, literally. Yeah. Yeah, Nick put plastic on their couch. Yeah. Because he doesn't want spills. I'm just hyacinth now.

She's the best. Yeah. She's a great show, folks. If you've never watched Keeping Up Appearances. We talk about it all the time. I think it's a big recommendation from your boy. It is a show that both Nick and I enjoyed growing up. And then we found out we were, I don't know,

you're probably the only other person I know that's watching. Tim Dylan loves it. Does he? Yeah, it was my family show. We all watched it together. Really? I didn't know that. My family wasn't even aware of it.

I just watched it. Because my parents are from, they lived in England for a long time. They're from Mouth Africa. They're from Mouth Africa. Mouth Africa. Yeah. They're from Guck Town, Mouth Africa. Welcome down here. We call it Mouth Africa.

Mouth Africa. Because I'm about to Mouth Africa too. I'm going, dude. I'm going. I'm booking my flights tonight. I'm going. Did you uninspirited? I'm going to see, I'm going to see Granny.

She's 91. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. We go to Safari, dude. We'll see like fucking exotic animals.

Yeah. Once we get this fucking show popping, dude, we're taking this shit on the road. We're going on tour again. Yeah. We are going on tour again. That is another thing that we're planning. Up and up and up. I was talking to our agents about it.

They want to do it. You guys, we got just one, one, like three more weeks of just sort of a lull while we, while we do some, no more patchwork. I know we said this already, but no more just feeding you slop. No. We're going to like, and look, and frankly, I'm sorry, but the podcast days are probably numbered. I guess we can continue to release an audio version of the video stuff, but we got to

have a talk show. Yeah. We'll have a, I mean, if it's a talk show, we can sort of release it. Sure. Yeah. But, but I mean, we are going to do a lot of, like we said, we are going to have exotic animals in here. Yeah.

And they will all be wearing painter's booties. I'm so excited. I got to be careful though. Yeah. And make sure that I'm not having mental illness. No, yeah. That's a, that's the, that's the best part about being mentally ill is that sometimes you'll be in a good mood and they have to go, this could be dangerous.

Yeah. This could be bad. I got to be careful. I can't trust the depression. I know that's fine. Yeah. You know? Yes.

The upswings. Fuck this world. Fuck this world. But, you know, and the other thing, I don't want to speak for the blue shoe corporation, but it does cure manic depression as well. That is a, they're not promising it, but we have plenty of anecdotal evidence. Do you like that band panic at the dick sucking factory? Yeah.

They're from Vegas. Yeah. That's the, that's the band in my city. Panic at the penis center, panic at the penis center, panic at the place where you show your night tonight at the penis center, panic at the place where you show your penis to your friends. Yes. Um, what, what are we going to talk about for the end of the year?

Yeah. And we've learned early on that this is, we learned early on that this is not the kind of show that can have zero preparation. It was nice that we had that for years, but this is going to be, which is good. That's what you want as a fucking like as a podcast listener, not as a podcast listener, but as somebody that makes stuff, you shouldn't like, you know, the problem with the old shows is it was, you just phone it in, you know, and this, it makes me feel bad. Yes.

When you do that. Yeah. I know. And as, as the standards are going to begin to change, so it just kind of feels like that we were in that mode for a long time. It's kind of evolving. Yeah. It's evolving into something.

Please come out to Houston this weekend though, because all of the money is being sunk into the show and I do need just maybe another, another month where I don't have to just live off, stand up money. And then, and then we'll figure a budget out. Yeah. Fire and forget whatever that means. Yeah. No.

Yeah. I think we need a kind of a house bitch. Yeah. My therapist said that I got to go no contact with my ex-girlfriend. Yeah. And I told her we didn't have any contact for the last two and a half years of the relationship. In fact, I was the entire time she's a fat black woman in prison that I started correspondence with.

And that's the only relationship I've ever been. You never got a conjugal visit. Yeah. I've never gotten pussy. Yeah. I didn't get pussy. She was actually scamming. I've tried pussy.

Yeah. I watched, I've watched a bunch of shows about, there's that show love after lockup. I've talked about it before in the show, but women like in prison will find men and just like smuggling phones. Coming up on BBC four. And they'll just make, they'll, they'll scam them out of money. People who eat too much cheese. And then I'll just kind of stop doing it.

I wish I could boy. Every time I have to keep eating more cheese. Florence is a six foot two rat from England. Few people know that half a percentage of the population in England is just mutant, giant rats about that for so random. That's totally random. That's totally random. Is it random enough for you?

Yeah. I'll pitch that to robot chicken. Yeah. You can have some action figures do a stop motion. Yeah. I like making the green robot chicken because it's literally that's just all I've ever done. Yeah.

That's the kind of bullshit that I do. Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. Jerry Springer, but he's fucking five million pounds. Fat Jerry's ladies and gentlemen, fat Jerry Springer. So you, you were sleeping with her brother and her brother was sleeping with.

With the U.S. sister. I miss Springer. Is he still on TV? Jerry Springer. Yeah. Oh, I love Jerry. I used to watch it when I was sick. When I was home from school sick.

It meant that I could watch Jerry Springer. It was the best. I wish I could earn the respect of black people like Maury Povich has. I think you are the show mostly I got the demographics information. It's mostly black people. Mostly black people. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd like to get some advice with that. The hood fucks with me and I got the baddest Chinese bitch on my side. It's weird that they call it a clitoris hood. You know, I guess, in some cases it because it looks like a hood on a sweatshirt. But my ex-girlfriend's case, it's because it's been filled with black guys. I'll try that one out in Bite Town next week. Yeah. I guess you guys, I guess we don't have any racists here.

I guess we don't have any racists here. I guess we don't have any varial and racist in the crowd tonight. Does that lady Lisa Lampinelli still do the roasts? They used to always say that she she would have a lot of black lovers. Somebody's been telling that was the joke about her. Somebody's been telling me there's a dance dance revolution happening. Folks, yeah, good luck changing the government with dancing. You're going to need guns.

You're going to need more than a couple of dances to get to get the man whose brain is dying. These clowns in Congress, these clowns in Congress. What are you going to dance at Mitch McConnell? Yeah, yeah, good luck with that. Yeah, yeah, the dance now. They got this game folks called dance dance revolution. I get the dance part.

I get the dance part, but the revolution part. What kind of revolution is happening? An audience of zero man losing his mind. Just doing that. That would be a great. I mean, there has to be at least one homeless guy who's just things. He's just doing stand up for no one. Just a guy in this subway.

Yeah. So just his just observations about life. They're just, you know, make absolutely no sense. A guy who moved here for stand up, who's just literally failed and lost his mind. How about stand up Mamadi and a woman comes on stage and she's got a big pair of tits and we all drink out of them. Yeah, that'd be nice. Yeah, that'd be better than regular stand up.

I think that's just like a woman in the 50s. And she's got a tattoo above each one of her nipples. And one says whites only and the other says colors. Oh, that would be racist. That's just how it was back then. That's just how it was. That's just how it was. White women, they'd have.

She'd let the brothers drink. They would have to let the brothers drink. They'd have two titties. And I said, which one of them is the colored fountain? That was my move back in the 50s. That was your pickup line. I point to a white woman and I'd say, which one of them is the colored fountain? You sound like O.J. Simpson's childhood friend.

Did you see the documentary? He's got a friend that's not on TV. He's just one of those guys that be like juice. That's when juice found out his father was gay. You know that? What? That O.J. walked in on his dad being gay. With who?

With a guy. With a guy. Oh my God. Yeah, isn't that funny? That's gay. And then he kills his wife. Yeah. He killed his wife and her lover.

You think his dad was on top or bottom? I wonder. Yeah, it does make you wonder. It does make you wonder. Yeah. What was that we were at? I got this guy, Jesus Jones. Now, I get the Jones part.

But Jesus? Has he even been to Nazareth? You know who I think we should have as the next president? You know those little guys they got outside of the Home Depot? Because they'll do it for cheap. That's true. And with the money we save, we can explore space together. Arm in arm with the rest of the world.

What if they made the president you make like 100 million dollars a year or a term? You do. You don't make that much. Well, I guess you do through like speakers fees. Speakers fees after the fact, but also by by manipulating the stock market. Oh yeah. You're not playing the pick in the ponies in the stock market. Yeah, I guess you do.

I was just thinking like maybe if they paid a lot of money, then we we get. So we get a little bit more talent in there than these clowns they got right now. Kind of like teachers, you know, that's why all teachers are are dumb and they don't want to tell you what I would love to bust up that fucking teachers union. I would love to just get in there, fire all of them, replace them with guys from the Home Depot Park. Because you know they don't know that's that's who the Chinese riddler should call the littler. Yeah, it's really funny how little they are.

It is very. They are so little. Yeah. And it's funny too. Because in your head, you're like, oh, that's probably because in Guatemala, they didn't have fucking milk. It doesn't make sense. Yeah, you're just brain makes up some racist reasons stupid shit.

Yeah, it's because they only they would have one taco a day in Guatemala. So they didn't afford tacos. They didn't have the nutrients. Meanwhile, I'm a solid and most four inches taller than most of them. Yeah, and I'm laughing at them as if I'm Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah, exactly. They really do make me feel big. Do they?

No. You should hire them to hold your dick. I should have hired them. Mm-hmm. Hey, you wanted the drywall. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, just come in. Come in my car.

Just get in the van. Just get in the car. That was that's Henry Rollins book addressed to children. Just get in the van. Get in the van. What if what if we should have Henry Rollins on the show? Yeah, it'd be badass. He's a vegan.

Yeah. Me and Henry Rollins are friends. You are. Yeah. Oh, you chill with Rollins. We don't chill. We correspond. Oh, you correspond.

Yeah. I send them postcards. And everyone can read it. Yeah. That's embarrassing. Henry, don't tell anyone I'm gay. I'm gay. Don't tell anyone.

Yeah. Some guy in the post office calls you up. Oh, I heard you gay. Well, folks, it's about that time. What are you doing? You taking a phone call? Well, okay. Well, folks, it's about that time.

Thank you again for listening to the Adam Friedland show. Adam has to go get his girlfriend at the front door. Perfect timing. Please go to patreon.com slash TFS and subscribe. We got big things coming. We promise. Yeah, it is going to be. This is a new welcome to the future.

The future. All right. Thanks guys. Love you.