The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Dan Soder - Episode 52

Episode Date: May 3, 2024

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I'm not sure what to do with this. Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show Podcast. We're joined by special guest comedy institution Dan Soder. Thanks for joining us. for joining us institutionalized yeah you're psycho go local like a base yeah dance taking time out of watching transporter one to be with us I really appreciate that every watching transport it was on TV and I was I got into it you DVR doing in the trunk he's like Chinese in the trunk. We want some orange orange orange You know, I'm like I'm fat now into a fat woman. Yeah Sassy fat entered my sunset years and I'm like Nice I get it. I'm just gaining weight and I'm eating nothing

I don't know rule 46 get as heavy as possible and break jazz. Well I was watching The Transporter, I don't know, like a year ago. And that scene happened, I was watching it, that scene happens and I was like, oh shit, remember R&G? And I'm like, did I get the same thing? I didn't say anything, we were losing it.

It's like soda but it's orange juice. Yeah, I'm like juice, but it's like juice. But it's soda. Yeah. When he cuts the thing and let's drink it, by the way, he realizes it's a person in his trunk. Doesn't freak out. Right. And then has the mindset to get her orange. Gina, let her drink a little and then puts her back in the bag. The movie's amazing because it's like the character has no I don't think there's any backstory. She finds the picture of boxes, or the box of pictures.

Yeah, but it's like he's just. And that's how they get, the box story. That's a good way to show the backstory. But she goes like, oh, she's like, oh, wall metal. But yeah, but he's like, he has no, like, there's no flaws, you know what I mean? Oh, he's perfect on everything. He's the best driver.

There's no trauma. He's karate. He has, when they rocket launch his French manner, and they go downstairs into the dummy-waiter, and he throws her in the water and she's just fucking yelling. They could have at least shown him getting irritated. They're like, you know, his Chinese boys scream. Even me, a character who can change anything in the world,

he's still like, what do you mean a girl likes me? Yeah. Oh, girls. Girls are tough. I thought she was a lesbian. She's not thought the rabbit. But she eats pussy. Yeah. But Jason Statham, when he goes when the transporter goes in the water, and down there, there's just there's two scuba sets just ready to go in the water, which is like, how much foresight do you need? He like lives in a lighthouse. His apartment is- He lives a lot.

It's like a very nice- Yeah, I'm at like a Navy point. Yeah, he's like, I bought the property early. The original script is him talking. I live on the very sweet little Navy point. This is him bogging down the movie with real estate talk. So you look Chinese or something. Yeah talk so you know Chinese rule number 17 fuck in that China is a transporter three there's a bunch of them in a shipping container I don't know but I'll tell you what yeah I'm gonna I'm

gonna work my way there they're amazing I'm gonna get there by the end of the night into the franchise I gotta have I gotta create a I gotta may figure out make enough money to have a private theater somewhere in Manhattan for like a midday to the screen matinee yeah I can call my friends I'm like hey dude we're watching fucking we're watching that damn cat yeah you know the live-action Dennis the menace I got it playing yeah we got we got monsters monsters in capping yeah Christopher Lloyd plays the homeless man that's definitely in the molestation.

Yeah, I love that. When he's cutting the apple with the knife, he's like, you ever have an apple before? Dude, everyone wanted to fuck Dennis, and no one talked about it. That's why he was a menace, because he avoided pedophilia. I remember being a teenager, I drew,

I was like, maybe I'll get into comics. Sure. I drew maybe two things ever and one of them is like it was Dennis Dimas digging up Mr. Wilson's yard and then Mr. Wilson's like I'll show him. He goes down there and he's got a trench coat on. He goes hey Dennis want to see the internet? And then it's just him from behind showing his penis. Mr. Wilson! Yeah, and he's like, Dennis is horrified, looking at this seven-year-old man's penis.

But then he gets indoctrined, and then he just starts becoming like Mr. Wilson's sex toy. Like apt pupil. Yeah, exactly like that. Dennis finds out Mr. Wilson used to be one of the guards. Oh, dude, he's SS, you know? His real name's like, it's like, Viltschensrand.

Teach me how to be gay. Yeah. Directed by Bryan Singer. Yeah. Hey, old Nazi, teach me how to be gay. Mike, he's like, in the old country, I was an SS soldier named Wilhelm Viltschensrand. That's the other aspect of Bryan Singer that's weird,

like, aside from the boy rape. I mean, that's a pretty weird one. But he's got an obsession with Nazi stuff that's not like. Like Lemmy? Like remember how Lemmy would collect from Hoedemann? Yeah, but Lemmy was a rock guy. Brian Singer's. Yeah, but why does that make it okay?

Well, like, yeah, that's metal. Because it's like, it's evil. It's like, he's like, yeah, it's bad. It's slur, slur, it's stutter, it's bad. It's smoking cigarettes. Oh lord, it's bad. It's a lot of stuff this bad You know the Jews got star Cigarettes and you think the There's nothing more than just

Imagine the women that were fucking him like up until the last day. Yeah, not prime, not prime Lemmy. No, yeah, Lemmy at 71 years old with like, with prostate cancer in his brain. That it spread from his particular cancer. Him wheezing during foreplay because he was smoking. It was just bloody cum leaking out of his fucking eye sockets. The only thing that gets him off is he's like, suck the mole. Yeah, right.

Suck the mole. He would do that, you know he would do that, right? To women? Yeah, that was like, I've read interviews where he's like, women wanna suck on them and stuff. It's disgusting. That's revolting. Him at like 70 years old acting that way,

and then it's like there's 21 years olds. 21 year olds that are like, well I'm from Long Island, so I have to fuck with him. I met him at the rainbow room. He's a rock. Well my dad had a motorcycle. Yeah, exactly. My dad would lose his mind It is like I'm gonna hold a Nazi knife to your throat while you suck me You my Susan Is that you Dot? Is that you? Yo I don't know but you're fucking creeping me out you're weirdo

Reminds me of getting topped from the Mrs during the Blitz I used to have a hot glass of tea as those krauts were raining down hell on me They want to know why I like Nazi stuff is cuz I got topped during the blitz as I popped in her mouth the bombs went off I had to get under a slab of concrete because she was giving me top 20 bombs falling on his block and he's like oh fuck I see that queer Mick Jagger talk about that. But I'll still say this. I think Lemmy being into Nazi stuff, not as weird as Bryan Singer being in the Nazi stuff. And Bryan Singer's Jewish?

Bryan Singer's just projecting a bunch of gay stuff, gay predator stuff onto the Nazi stuff. So he's like, the Nazi stuff, he's like, oh, this is a part of it. That's like his Nazi werewolf. Yeah, it's kind of like. He's like, what if we made the Nazis? Gay artists often project gay stuff onto whatever they're consuming.

And then they're like, oh, this must be gay also. Yeah, like. It's like, you know what he also does? They do it with Nintendo. People online, they're like, oh yeah, Princess Peaches. She got her penis cut off And then they fight like sometimes like Nintendo after the dresser like it's for four-year-olds This was made by a sweet Japanese man. He's a plumber. The bad guys a turtle. That's it guys. That's it

Anything else going on and they're like nah else. There's no anything else going on. And they're like, no, dude, it's yeah, links. Yeah, Cooper. What's the butt fuck Luigi? But Mario's got to stop him. Right. And even if even if it what let's say that's all true. It's like, how does that help anyone? Well, counter argument. What it's like this. Oh, we need more representation of trans people in a world where mushrooms turn you then make it so you can fight a tur... what does that give you the confidence to go do?

Is when he has the leaf and he turns into the raccoon. Well now because I know Peach is trans that gives me, now I feel comfortable going out in the world as a raccoon. It gives you agency. As wearing, yeah exactly. Now you can fly by whipping your tail around. But I don't know, I've watched Challengers over the weekend.

What's that one? Is that the new tennis movie? It's a tennis movie. And it's like. The slut one? And it's good. Isn't it just basically. It's the Eiffel Tower movie.

It's a, yeah, it's a tennis movie, and I enjoyed it, but it's clearly somebody was just watching tennis, they probably don't know much about tennis, but they and you hear the grunts and they're like, okay something's going on Okay, these two they have something going on. They wanted they are fucking in the showers. They're not yeah They're just projecting all this stuff on to somebody just grunt. Yeah, okay Probably they probably grew up together Jacked each other off in boarding school, and now it's a secret, and they're ashamed,

and it's like, Eric, can't you just watch the tennis? You have to do this. It's sports. You have to just do this while we're watching this. Someone in his life goes, just enjoy the competition. Yeah, right. And he goes, no, no, no, no, hear me out. And there's a woman who taught them straight sex,

but she's evil. And it's like, can we just we is that what the whole premises? I mean no that it's it's like basically like a Hypersexualized love triangle with a theme of tennis and it seems pretty straightforward. That's all it's about So they just took a MMF threesome and they were like, let's put drop that in the tennis If you don't go in looking for anything other than that, it's great You know that I was I was told at the box office that it was like a two and a half hour long movie Did not feel like it flew by I was engaged the whole time. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good

It's the same guy that did call me by your name. Okay, Luca Whatever, which is just is also that like call me by your name is there's nothing else It's like it's call me by your name is like She's about gay people, right? No, it's not, it's like the episode of The Simpsons where Bart has the crush on the babysitter. Yes. That's what call me by your name is.

But it's just gay version of that. It's gay, right, yeah. Do you think that's how they pitched it? I would've. If I was... You know the episode of The Simpsons where Bart likes the babysitter? They go, yeah.

And they're like, what do you think about... That, but it's gay. They're like, what do you think about, what do you think about Brian Singer for this one? I'm at the studio. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know if we need Nazi stuff. That's what Singer was like. Okay, so hear me out.

It's tennis. It's during at Dachau. Yeah, right. It's call me, it's call me Oberfuehrer. And so they call me Obermensch. They're leather daddies. One of them's eight, but he looks like a Tom of Finland guy.

And he goes on vacation with his family and he meets a guy who works on motorcycles, but he uses his penis as the tools. And he's got a bunch of Nazi memorabilia and they bond over there. He's like, oh, you like motorhead also. Yeah, it's scored by motorhead. Right, and then they're killing animals in his garage.

It's Lemmy, but he's gay. Yeah, and is there any mole sucking in this? That's disgusting. That is. And today's episode is brought to you by... I... Good throw. ...Aura Frames, guys. Ready to win Mother's Day. I know you are, Dan. Already won it. Yeah. This is how I win. And cement your reputation as the best giver in the family. That's kind of a suck up move. I'm the best boy in the family. Whoever created the least damage to the vagina is the one who won.

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Dude, I gave Trish the gift of hearing. Well, nevermind. I'm buying her hearing aids. Oh my God. What about a cochlear implant? That'd be cool. Yeah. Just like a boom.

No, I mean, isn't that the move now? I feel like they cured being deaf. Did they? There's three things that have happened in my life. Curing being deaf, like there's a solution for that now. Garfield's gay. Well, I mean, things that like, that now. Garfield's gay. Well, I mean things that like big changes. Garfield's always been gay. That's implied.

Curing being deaf. I feel like AIDS is cured. It's done. AIDS is cured. And then also weed is like legal, I guess. It's too powerful and it's legal. both AIDS being cured and weed being legalized are things that just sort of happen so gradually and slowly that it's like, I don't, I don't understand when it happened. They're also- I thought it was gonna be such a big deal. You know how it's like, suddenly- They thought if you went to the 90s,

the most futuristic thing you could say for 2024 is that AIDS is cured and weed is legal. And both of them happen very slowly where We didn't even care both are still technically crimes both both are still things that you should be in jail for But they don't enforce it carry being a bug chaser. Yeah, or a dope smoker I do like that the AIDS medicine like prep and all that stuff part of the branding is like and it'll reduce the level So low you don't even have to tell people part of the branding is like and it'll reduce the level so low you don't even have to tell people it's undetectable that commercials missing a well-timed wink right no one will ever be able to prove it's our little secret I got HIV

yes crazy they never step it up to A's anymore it's just HIV well they don, they don't want to use that. They want to use HIV because that's like the beatable level. Well, there's a difference between the two. AIDS is a condition where your T cell count drops below 200. So it's the same virus. So I thought HIV was like the appetizer to the main dish. No, no. So basically it's like having like bush like it's like having like like Well, I'm trying to think of an example, but it's AIDS is like the it's like your HIV has gotten pretty bad You're riddled. It's like it's like a because you can have I think you can have a AIDS

Technical AIDS is just a collection of symptoms. Okay, so you can have AIDS So it's like Pokemon. This is not technically correct. It's the same, but it's just bigger. They wouldn't say this, they wouldn't diagnose you with this, but you could have AIDS without having HIV. There's an AIDS doctor watching this, putting his glass down, and he goes, he nailed it. It's Bryan Singer.

Yeah, and he goes, what if the AIDS was Nazis? What if it was Nazi AIDS? What if AIDS was invented to create a super soldier? What if it was Captain America? What if AIDS was invented to create a super soldier? What if it was Captain America? Who could eat whatever he wanted. But he was a gay Nazi with AIDS. Right, yeah. Damn, Singer had the ultimate chance

to put people gay by controlling the X-Men. Yeah, I was also thinking the other day about what if we found out Tom of Finland, what if that guy was straight? And that would be one of the greatest upsets of all time for people. It's like a reverse Rock Hudson. He's like, no, I'm a cartoonist.

I draw funny comics, I don't know why. I'm not gay. Yeah, right. He thought I was gay. I just drew the thing that I thought was the funniest thing possible to me. There's nothing funnier than man on man love. Yeah, right. A cop with-on-man love. Yeah

11-inch cock. Yeah What about a biker with an 11-inch cock? They just get in the way of the motorcycle. Yeah, that's just Practical. Yeah, there's sadness to it. So the chaps would come into play No, I heard it's good you heard it's other one. You heard it's actually good. Yeah. From one friend who's sometimes wrong. I feel like it's good for the people who want it to be good. Is it more than the tennis movie. Right. I don't know anything about it but I just heard it's like California Texas California Texas is that's not a. They don't link out. It's not a link out. Well if it's Bakersfield Texas inland Fresno away from the yeah away from the coast that's Texas. Away from the if you're getting like

Bakersfield do a poll. All the like San Francisco L.A. people. Yeah. And like Arizona Bay kind of thing. You know it's real rain supreme and then then they squad I could see my California Texas just that's in my grand all lived in Lake County I could see Lake County Lincoln up with Texas and in Florida because I think there's three people that go against everyone it's those three I think Wow but then they probably recruit like Nebraska and Kansas but what is is, do you know what the, is what the war is over? Is it slavery again?

No. I think they'd never say. It would be, that would be a fun premise for a movie. Trying to bring it back? If there was, yeah, if that was a civil war. Slavery again. Yeah, like fucking Michigan was like, well, we're not, let's not be gonna have a war about it.

We're not just gonna bring it back. Why the war first and if we win. That's how they pitch it? Okay guys, hear me out. We win slavery. But who do they pick to be the slaves? Black people again? It's shocking we don't have robot slaves. That's the fucked up thing about the world.

It's coming. Well, but they won't do it. They'll continue to, people will just have to be poor. We will have the technology where we can have robot slaves and everyone can have one But then the tech industry will be like well And if you're a black person yeah, how mad you would be that they're showing more decency to Thought was that remember there's a movie I robot was a will Smith. Yeah, I robot robot It's like there's no way they would make black robot

You don't have to pay You guys wanna make them black Ever have slave robots they're coming out that I sent they have to have come skin and they will be voiced by Robin Williams please help me what if I pick some cotton shirt it's hot out here today mama there's a hot day in the fields, mama. Oh, I wish I could hang myself. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, pitching a black robot.

No way. Nuts. No chance. Nuts. You're trying to get fired. It would either be the Bicentennial Man or that one that's just a Honda. What was that one they had?

Johnny Five? Asimow? No. Oh, I thought you were talking about Short-circuit short-circuit. Yeah, it was like Johnny five. I am your slave Black by the way, it was always you remember Connor. Yeah, and he goes So that character's name is Johnny 23. Yeah raped 20. Yeah, I remember Johnny Johnny five goes good Johnny five going they would call me Johnny 500 if they knew that

My secrets are programmed into my brain I have an insatiable appetite that movie is so layer the short-circuit movies Oh, yeah, some props guy just like glued a bunch of garbage together and he's like, what if this was a movie? Isn't it a white guy playing an Indian guy? What do you mean? Oh, yes. Yeah, there is a character. It's like a white actor. Yeah. Look it up. Isn't Short Round in those movies also? Yeah, he's one of the guys. Yeah, yeah.

But I think on Short Circuit, they have a white dude. And Short Round's in Goonies too and he plays a character named like Data. Yeah, Data. Yeah, right. Which, math. What was the story there that they give him? He's just the Asian friend that scooted inventions.

Who doesn't have one of those growing up? Ohcircuit he's like yeah it's a time machine now he's shitty Steve Gutenberg obviously fuck your hot Chinese mom Fisher Stevens paid played Ben jubitat IA he has he has a crazy look these days. Who's that guy Fisher Stevens? He plays the Cyrus Cyrus the virus and or God and in hackers. He's the bad guy. Yeah Him and Lorraine hackers. He plays the plague The plague that's his name and the way and and it's him and Lorraine Fucking Melphi. Dr. Melphi is the in that. Yeah, I'm looking if Short Round is in Short Circuit. He might be in the sequel. He's the robot.

No. He's the Asian-sounding robot. Asian-voiced robot is great. I thought that was Short Round. Oh no, that's just a collection of boxes. No, Tim Blaney did the voice of number five. the words short-circuit and short or round. Yeah You just do it in amalgamation. I am that's how my brain works Yeah, it used to benefit me because that's how I could write jokes sure and now I'm just genuinely confused all the time now

It just blows together. You don't know what color the stoplights are What color the stoplights are Everything's gray no, yeah, I'm seeing if he's in the second one my brain fucks things up And then I'll say things and people laugh and I'll be like I didn't mean to say that. Yeah, that's the worst Yeah, where you go? I didn't intend to do that. Yeah, I just been I've encouraged my brain to Think about things in a way in such a way where I come up with wrong answers that seem right in a funny way. Because that's all joke writing is. Yeah, it's saying the wrong thing at the right time.

It's coming up with a solution to something that is- Makes no sense. Makes no sense, but it is seemingly the shortest, is Occam's razor. Yeah, that's why when people say AI can't do stand up, you're like, no it can't. Oh, easily. I knew that.

I said that to Eugene Merman, sitting in the grotto at South by Southwest, when we met. Yeah, 2012. That fucking weekend. It was either early, oh. It was 2012. 2012, yeah.

Because I was still drinking. Yeah, and that fucking, I was sitting in the. The in-between place between Esther and Stolle. That little outside garden, Yeah, I was sitting with you in Merman and we were talking about Asimov the robot and he was like, yeah, this is just gonna take everybody's jobs. Thank God. We're comedians or says I'm like, no, they will easily. That's gonna be the first one they do. We like lifting and comedy. Yeah, I'm like, you know, like, first of all, if you've ever sat down and written a joke, you

know that there's a process to it. Yeah. And it's something it's it's it's data input right yeah you just take a thing and then you it's exactly what you just said you just do the wrong answer that is the funniest I'm actually I will say this I'm not even sure that that Atsuko lady isn't the robot from the dude I don't you could very well be that there's gonna be a clip of her getting heckled with water Yeah And just shorting out. Yeah, right. Oh my god. It'd be great to see what I see the audience and it's all Johnny Fodd Wally and Johnny five loves Great job, that's okay

C-3PO, great job, that's okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the industry's all robots now. Yeah, R2-D2 canceled for a wolf whistling at. Yeah. Oh, he did a black, he did a black whistle. As a mode, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Dude, I'm gonna be obsessed with the guy pitching black robots for the rest of the day, where he goes, okay, okay. Yeah. But he's black. I had a sketch, I had a sketch I wrote as a teenager, which RTD2 meeting Lando Calrissian,

it's the first scene where we see RTD2, and he's like, beep, beep, beep, and they're like, Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry. And then he goes, hey man, what's up with this, what's up with this tiny trash can I want? What the fuck? Hey, hey, hon. He's got a lot of hate in his heart.

You wanna explain your friend? Can you imagine? They keep him on the outside of planes. You know how upset that would make Lando? He's like, I'm the only black guy in this galaxy. Come on, man. You know how many years it took me to put on a cape confidently?

You know how long it took me to get here from 1860 South Carolina? I'm from the only black planet where they tested out the Death Star. I had my own, that's how Lando got there, there was a second underground railroad that went into space. And some of the slaves ended up in a galaxy far, far away. Yeah, where he's like, man. And he was the only one that survived the trip.

You thought saying people were bad. Yeah. He's like, I'm gonna tell you right now, man. Them raiders, dude, that's so funny. I like that guy. You thought saying people were bad. Yeah Light years away in a different galaxy and they still gave him a name like a pimp Right. Yeah. Yeah, his name is El Dorado We're to call him Slim Martian. You can't call him Slim Martian. His name is Lando Widecock.

He just spins Leia the first time he meets her. Lando, why are you getting a manicure we got to take down the death star Sold them nails the Revlon is all I do is peel money and touch bitches Now Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, I'll send you back to that two moon planet if you don't play ball by me. Yeah, and then his white friend, the tube head guy from Jabba's Palace, played by Gary Oldman as in... He's like, it ain't white boy day. Yeah, exactly.

Jabba's just a pimp. Yeah, Jabba and his friend Drexel. It's so fucking funny. Java's just a pimp. Yeah, Java and his friend Drexel. Inosahana white cock. Now baby, baby, you gotta chill. What do you think the odds are? Laya, laya, laya. The N word probably appears somewhere in Java's palace.

In those scenes in that line. I bet if you properly, if you translate Java. No, no, I mean if you just listen to the phonemes of all of that, that whole scene, it's gotta be in there somewhere. I don't think that. That's one of the things they took out when they took out the gun.

I don't think they took it out. I think George Lucas has that in there somewhere. Put some sound over it and peel it back. Today's episode is also brought to you by Ridge Wallet, which Adam, if you wanna pull up the website and talk about Our friends at Ridge Wallet Ridge Wallet great product guys friend of the show for a long time Dan. Are you familiar? Oh, yeah, dude Ridge Wallet. I've known about it for years What's your solid metal?

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And God bless him. I wish I brought it up. But I can't remember if I saw it before or just here. Do you think Ian? Just Ian in the comments being like, I fuck trans people people you fucking freaks He responds to every he responds to every criticism. He's like God what the fuck is wrong with these fucking freaks? I suck cock some of the gifts like he's like arguing with these

The idea that he's up there going you fucking abomination I said I fuck you and then it's like but there's no like it's not even it's not like he's Nick DePaulo. Yeah it's not like he's conservative. He's just people are just mad at him. Yeah. And you should know not to argue but like he's one of the rare instances where do you know he's one he's wasting your time. You know what I mean. It's like you're not going to do you think you just got engaged with Ian in the first guys They launched Ridge while with a simple belief that we can make wallets better to kickstarters over 10 years and Over 2 million wallets later. They're still starting every day with that same mentality only now

It's to improve all the items you carry I say I got I always try to embrace the lifestyle mentality. Yeah, you live it. Nick, you're a user. You gotta always have a lifestyle mentality. Live your lifestyle. Now what the hell is the Ghostbusters thing that he's doing? He just likes Ghostbusters a lot?

Is that even real? Because honestly, if you just read the sign, it looks like it means no ends. It means no end. I don't know why he would do that. That's the sign. I don't know why you would do that. I don't know why you would make a sign that says no Ian. The marketing backfire. Ah fuck I didn't pull out enough. Well no it's Ghostbusters but I'm the ghost.

Yeah but it's no Ian. But it's yes Ian. Oh you're the bad guy from your favorite movie? Wallets for too long were designed to hold everything. Receipts, gift cards, and anything else you could stuff in there, but they turned that on its head with a minimalist first approach to design. So carry less and live more. Live more sounds great. Live more. Live more.

There was a sign at the beer store next to my apartment in Texas, it was a Coke ad, and it had a bottle of Coca-Cola and it said, more mm for your buck in English, and then underneath it in Spanish, mas mm for your buck. Like they just put the word mas and then gave up on Spanish.

That's the Chris Farley joke when he was El Nino. He goes, El Nino is Spanish for the Nino. Yeah, his Coke just really was like, oh, give was a shame. What's that SNL sketch where it's like the hidden camera, like Folgers? One of the funniest, I have that clip, I send it all the time to people where he goes,

sir, what if I told you you were drinking decaffeinated? And he goes, Liar to me! The funniest part is this, when he goes, what? Yeah, he goes, what? He was about to go psycho. And then he looks at the woman, and then he looks at the coffee, and then he looks at the guy again. I But just that first part always gets me yeah Fuck I just thought of something they got a lot of other stuff to their reach walls. Yeah, go ahead. I might I was you know, so I'm

Friendly with their the the main guy cuz we've been with the ridge From the beginning ground floor. There is a huge company like I remember Probably eight like six years five or six years ago. You guys were messing with them. Yeah, and They sent us a bunch of stuff and now this is the first time we've done reads for them where they have not sent Stuff. Yeah, they sent a gold wallet and which I think it's just because they still they do this because they're their friend They don't need this show. Yeah, they fucking advertise on the Super Bowl. It's charity. It's like they don't They could they maybe Wimbledon this is charity for them to advertise with us. I wish they would send this stuff I might even buy something Which I'll tell you this, I would not do

with any other sponsor that we've ever had on this show. And that's why they've taken their innovative design and material approach to create products that you can rely on. Yeah, I've had this wallet for years now. Yeah, that thing is solid. The items you carry every day are your tools. But I want, they updated the backpacks. backpacks and I want that's what you want

I want the late back technology is jumped in the last three days. I both use the backpack every single day. It's lovely It's the commuter pack if you want to get shop this look like Nick and I guys go to Ridge wall calm put in promo Code TAF TAFS and you'll get a great great like I'll guess what I'm gonna try it try it right now and I'll tell you how much you get off I just thought about my dad's name being Garfield no yeah it's great that'd be a pretty bad name for a dad to have I don't know I kind of think it might be better than Gary and we you know what would be the worst is Roseanne if your dad's name is Rosanna yeah Roseanne is a tough one Roseanne is a tough one to bounce back. Yeah, just over the school PA.

Yeah, Rose- Dan, your father, Rosanne, is here to pick you up. Mr. Rosanne Soder is here. Rosanne Soder is here to pick up his daughter, Dan. Dan. Oh, I'm sorry, your son, Dan. Yeah. I thought it was daughter because you have a woman,

you have a fat woman's name. Because you have a fat, mean name cuz you have a fat mean ladies I believe the discount is what is Rosanne doing that? She's been kicked off all social media, and I can only imagine she's full grift her opinions are getting even worse Yeah, she's just full grift. She's Fox News now. Yeah, but like more than that. I think she's got crazy She's full grift. Yeah, it's crazy. She called that lady an ape Let's look at our Muslim Brotherhood meets Planet of the Apes That's crazy, which sounds like you want to talk about fun cross it

Well to hit that up after right after the transporter series we're doing Muslim Brotherhood versus Planet of the Apes That's actually the new sequel. They're doing yeah, that's it Guys you get 10% off and free shipping I believe. Promocode T.A.F.S. at Ridge dot com. I'm I'm interested to see when I go home if Katie finished the transporter. Yeah. Because it was on and we were. What are you going to do. You're living close here. Yeah. OK. And we were like, what are you gonna do? You're living close here now. Yeah. Oh, okay. And we were like in it. Like to the point where I went, I can leave in five more minutes.

Yeah. You were in it. We were in it. No, I just did this within the last year. I watched it. Cause I got cable. We were calling the bad guy, Baby Bangs. I got cable again.

That's the best part about cable. I just sit and I watch movies all day long. That's- I watched Blue Velvet, Mulholland Falls yesterday, dude I was the new Baywatch was on yeah, who's in it the rock the rock the rock is in a great body Great bod great Efron another great bod That's the best part about cable is you just fall into these old movies. That's what hotels on the road so much of my life You know I was thinking about like

old movies. That's what hotels on the road. So much of my life you know I was thinking about like using using letterbox differently to log whenever I think about a movie because 90% of my day I'm just thinking about movies that I've seen. Yeah. I don't have any of my own experiences or emotions. You just lived through something you saw in 1997. I'm in Williamson, Oma and I go oh brave little toaster. If you remember he's probably trying to get back to his family. That's right. It's a sad movie. When I see a homeless guy and his dog I go homeward bound. Yeah. Anytime I see a dog fluke that's probably that dog that guy is probably fucking that dog's wife. And then Singer goes make it a Nazi. Yeah. Anytime I see the Holocaust I go oh yeah Brian Singer raping children.. Yeah, grooming them, going, do you want to meet an X-Man?

You know the story of App Pupil, right? The thing that they did on that? No. So there's a scene in App Pupil. App Pupil's the movie where his neighbor's a Nazi, right? Brad Renfro discovers that his neighbor. His older neighbor who's like, isn't it Liam? Ian McKellen.

Ian McKellen, yeah, it's like a great actor. Right, he's like. Magneto. He's like, yeah, it's like a great actor. Right, he's like, Magneto. He's like, well, what did you say? Did you say you want to hear about gassing the Jews? What if I just showed you my penis instead? What if I laid down and lathered you in baby oil? What if I sucked your cock instead?

If you have a swallowed cock. What if instead of me being a Nazi, we were gay with each other? We embrace that. But I don't know the story. He's like, look, I'm already an SS officer. I might as well be a pedophile. If I'm here, I might as well taste the fruit. I've already gassed the Jews.

I might as well fuck children. I mean, if you're here, grab everything you can. I'm already going to hell. We crossed that line. If you're robbing a bank, take the pen. The other day I had a bite of cheesecake and I said, we're already here. I might as well eat the whole thing.

I mean, winning, bro. It's a cheat day. Look, I'll switch. That's the strawberry on top. But now I want the cake. Fucking high 14. Which is boy butt. But now I want the cake. Fucking high 14. Boy, but. Boy, but from my neighbor.

This is making taste noises. Right. And that's the premise of that, people. But when they were filming the movie, they went to like a local junior high school. And they were like, OK, so we're going to, we want to, you guys can be in a movie. Oh my god, what a pedophile move.

They brought a bunch of 14-year-old boys in the locker room and just filmed them naked and then a couple of the kids went home and told their parents what happened and the parents were like what the fuck? And then fucking the studio just like covered it up. Damn. Yeah. Cause that was the 90s.

So there was no really heavy internet presence. Pedophilia was cool back then. All you had to do was stop by a house and cut a check and like a dad was going Like yes season ticket Can you imagine being like the PA there that day and they're like, um, so what What are we doing? I gotta go. I got a spritz down these boys $150 a day. Yeah, I realized we were doing child. My dad got me this job. I thought you needed me go get bagels not boys

Then singers like Extension cord Yeah, and then they're like where does this go into you like the guy that heard sandusky fucking that guy back It's back when film was around so Guys were out we gotta change great excellent Oh, you don't need a lot of carbs Yeah, that's fucking nuts, and it is paid him off. I don't even know if they paid him off That's how egregious they got George put on magnetos helmet mm-hmm. Do you think he has?

Is a smaller one for his car? helmet? Now you can't read my thoughts. Charles. Now you can't see what gets me off. Ah, you'll just have to see if it grows enough. Also, those two guys, definitely, there's something going on there. They did a kiss where they nudged up against each other. Back in the 1960s England theater school.

Can you imagine? Can you pre-AIDS England? Every, that's every. All you had to fight was curiosity. Every mark wrong that you could have in the like, is this, what are the odds something gay is gonna happen? They're going, oh you seem very.

Old Vic Theater. Yeah. 1960s. Where a lot of times they had to dress up as Ophelia. A man had to play Ophelia. Oh, they love cross-dressing. Yeah. That was their thing. They were like...

Also, it's posh to be gay there. It means your parents have money and they sent you to a boarding school. Yeah. Yeah. It's a flex to be gay there. They're like, yeah, I don't like... Yeah, I'm not poor. Yeah, ew. I'm gay. Pussy's for poor. Yeah. Yeah. It's a flex to be gay. They're like, yeah, I don't like. Yeah, I'm not poor. I'm gay. Pussy's for poor. Yeah. I'm a gay guy. I'm not. That's why they're in those X-Men movies because Brian Singer is like, I'm going to get the old queens together.

Me and the old, the guys that taught me, showed me the road. I'm going to get my Sifu. I'm going to get my master. Right. Yeah. He's the little red panda guy. The red panda and the turtle. I still haven't seen Kung Fu Panda 4. If he had that midtown, I mean dude, that screaming, Jack Black munching and kicking ass. Yeah, I love those movies. I think this one he gets diabetes. Does he?

Yeah, it'd be great. I mean he could. From bamboo. He's like, why is my piss sweet? They do like motion capture for all those, I think this one he gets diabetes does Sweet motion capture for all those all the fights are like real Jack Black's doing the fighting Well now probably a stunt double but they do motion capture on all the fight. They do motion capture for motion cash Short and weird shorts right showing his hairy legs Yeah for the for the the kung fu panda movies have like actual like karate happening I wonder if I'm gonna make it how many transporters are there three if there's four of them I Might make it through all four this weekend. That'd be awesome because I'm already two-thirds of the way through one Yeah, and I want to see how to goes. Yeah crank one and two you should just I've seen crank

I like it was actually really not good the last Guy Ritchie movie And I want to see how two goes. Yeah, Crank one and two. You should just watch. I've seen Crank. I like Crank. You know what's actually really not good? The last Guy Ritchie movie. Oh yeah. It just fumes. What's it called? Gentleman or something? I watched half of it on a plane. What's it called?

He's like in a prison or something and then he comes out. I forget what the premise is but it's just like... It's just Guy Ritchie... It's like the end of Robin Williams. When he was just like doing Robin Williams stuff where you're like, yeah Is it banana is it bread pal You're coming are you going in there? Can you imagine like his family didn't find them for like an entire week cuz he record he pre-recorded like that Right he's dead in the closet there's a mannequin. Oh

Knock knock who's there? Knock knock who's there? Hello Santa Claus what cuz. Hey, knock, knock, knock, knock. Who's there? Santa, Santa, who's there? Hello? Santa Claus, what? Cause someone knocked. Someone knocked. Oh, I didn't hear it. That was eerie. Yeah, it was crazy how that happened.

He seriously said knock. He said knock, knock as someone knocked, knocked. I don't think anyone knocked. Peter, was that you? No, I didn't hear that at the first time. Hello? Come in. Come in. No, I didn't hear that the hello come in come in

Hey Not right now later All right, thank you. Thank you. Don't forget exterminators get an exterminator. Yeah, you got to get one but not the Nazi cokes. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator.

I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator.

I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the exterminator. I'm the got? Yeah, he did. He gets killed by the scum. He gets got, dude. He's good at being fat.

Skinny John Goodman bugs me. It's like right wing Roseanne. Well, cause he's one of those fat people that made it to old age somehow. Yeah, well it's also like he's iconic. And they're like, yeah, you gotta, you can't be 800 pounds in 90. Yeah.

You can't do that. But he also was like the fat guy yeah he was like watch me friend yeah I'm gonna do my best goddamn King Ralph he probably bumped off the rest of the fat guys yeah he killed by the conspiracy yeah yeah candy all far was good moves murdering everyone where they do the thing with the cork board in the string where you see them in every background of a picture. Chris Farley. Farley.

We're going to say Will Sasso died. Will Sasso's the man. He's been dead for years. Dude, he's the last Ronin. But we'll just say he's the last Ronin. Sasso's my guy. He's the last ever. I love Will Sasso.

Are you friends with him? We like, we'll DM once in a while. But I'm like- Oh like so there's something going on On that TV, you remember that yeah, we came back skinny He came back skinny He came back skin I thought was good man, and then when then the boy they did that sketch where he's like I can still be funny even though And it's just bombing. Yeah, he's fucking just eating all the food Dude I wonder what would happen if Goodman came back fat. Yeah, you feel like you know

He's like fucking 78 years old, but he dude. So what is Jonathan Winters still alive? No, you know, I can't have him in a tube like Walt Disney. Yeah. Yeah He was like Jonathan winners was the original was the og the og fat fat sassy fat sassy. Mm-hmm Midwestern. Yeah, John winners is is, go back and watch his shit. Proper white. Proper white. Proper white. Bread white. Bread white. Yeah. Yeah. Middle of the country white.

I remember my dad rented It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World for me. Yeah. And he was like, this is the funniest movie of all time. Did it translate? I was like, Rat Race is way better, bro. Rat Race is much better. I was like, Rat Race kills this.

My dad showed me. He got pissed at me, yelled at me. Really? Yeah, he was like, this is better than Rat Race. I was like, Rat Race is so much better. Rat race is much better. I was like rat race kills this. My dad showed me. He got pissed at me, he yelled at me. Really? Yeah, he was like this is better than rat race. I was like rat race is so much better. Rat race is much better. My dad put on Blazing Saddles and he was right. That it's bad?

The only thing I remember from that movie is the N-word. That's the only thing I remember from Blazing Saddles. That part's still very funny. They got some great punch lines with the N-word. Do you realize that the new sheriff is a dole? The. The funniest part, the funniest n word is that joke should be in every movie. Every movie should have that scene in it. The funniest part is when after he beats Mongo with Candy Graham, and the old lady comes by with the pie and she goes sorry about that whole uppity thing and he goes oh it's

okay miss and then yeah there's a beat and she comes back and she goes, you'll have the decency. You'll have the decency not to tell anybody I talked to you. The audacity of those comedy writers in the 70s. Richard Pryor. Those comedy writers in the 1970s, just 10 years after the civil rights movement, to be like, yeah, it's okay to say this stuff. Yeah, we watched with Dr. Klo.

There's barely been any time they're like, yep, nope, society's fixed, time to just blast blast it was prior the n-word. It was prior Mel Brooks wrote that movie There's a lot of stuff that's there's like n-words in a lot of 80s early 80s. Yeah, Eddie Murphy shit. Yeah, where they were just like, yeah, we get thrown around the SNL Robert Goulet sketch. Oh yeah. Farrell just drops it in front of Jay-Z, Benny Siegel in Memphis. Yeah. He was doing a, the thong song as Robert Goulet. He very funny. And he like a lays into it. Yeah. Not too long.

I mean nineties, late nineties. Yeah. And it's crazy. The way he says the words, it's crazy that there wasn't like pushback against taking it away from comedians the way like now It's like the like comics will get very upset to be like this PC culture. This is cancer culture That's like not letting me do the same joke about like oh, what are your pronouns? Like that's the that's the hill everybody wants to die on where it seems to me taking the n-word away from us That I would I that would have been the line for me This way if we had the end if we had it, let's say we already got it as comedians. That's we got it

What would you trade for it? Oh, I know that we gave that one up without a fight that we were just out here Just being like hey Robin Williams like what's this thing? Fucking genie from Aladdin Taken away from us and by us I don't mean white guys I mean comedians sure he got taken away from us and and and without a fight, and now suddenly everybody's, oh you can't say this anymore, you can't say that, and it's like, well the stuff you're saying sucks. It's not funny. The N-word is hilarious.

When used properly as proven by Def Jam comedians. Yes, I mean I would say. And Robert Goulet. And Robert Goulet and Robert Goulet's shout it wild that he shouted it. If you're a while, it could be it could be like this is sort of maybe a Schrodinger's cat sort of thing. Yeah. It's like, would it be so funny if you could?

Probably not. Yeah. The forbidden fruit. You know, when you go on vacation with your friends, you have a weekend, you're at a beach house and maybe it's like 16 hours go by. And then somebody's somebody just goes in the somebody gets like, you know, there's like they hours go by. And then somebody just goes in the, somebody gets like, you know, maybe they have Maxwell House in the rental. That's like the coffee they have there.

And you're like, what the hell is this? Boop, coffee. Everyone's, everyone dies. You're like, come on. Come on. Come on. You can't. I know.

Come on, where did they sell it in the government? And then they say, maybe hour our 27 it's fucking just flying It's just calling it just drip it off all the time And then it's right and then it's like it's like and then it's then you got to tighten your belt day three or four Yeah, you got to tighten your belt cuz you're like oh, we've been saying I feel like I've said the n-word way too much You gotta tighten your belt, cause you're like, oh, we've been saying, I feel like I've said the N word way too much. I feel bad about it.

But we still have like, there's still too many Entenmans left. Yeah. And you're like, do I get a, I guess I'll eat it for breakfast, I gotta have a donut for breakfast. But you take a break. Boop!

But then you take a break, and you're having coffee the next morning. And someone goes, oh, you gotta come with that, boop, coffee. No, it's on the drive back. You've checked out of the Airbnb, and you're like, oh, you got a cup of that, boop, coffee. No, it's on the drive back. You've checked out of the Airbnb, and you're like, wow, that place was great. And you're leaving the review for the host, and you're like, what if I just called him this?

And everyone's like, ah, I'm like, I said it. Or you're in charge of the car. And you're going, you know, like I said, it's full of boop, and you go, oh, man, you're nuts. Yeah, you're going, hey, what if instead of budget rent a car, it's called boop, rent a car, and then that's just one. What if instead of Target, it was called boop? You're going nuts. You're going fucking nuts.

Right, and then it comes back, and then maybe. And then what happens is, you left one in your suitcase, and you're having a nice dinner with your fiance, and you go, oh, you know what he said? He said, what if it wasn't't target what if it was boop? Yeah, she doesn't laugh. What are you doing? You're like we were at the beach. It's all right It was dewy beach. We were at the beach. Yeah, and it was folgers. It was we got a little carried away It was maxwell house. It was maxwell. It started off with the maxwell. Look, I would never say I would never say

I I love that your cousin married. Yeah That guy's so cool Yeah, no it was funny because he had obvious because he wouldn't say because he why would he say because Mike wouldn't say that about them But it's funny that he said it. It's funny because he's talking about coffee. Whatever, I'm not gonna fucking. I shouldn't even have fucking told you. I'm not gonna fucking eat in the guest room. Yeah.

I could've cheated on you. The only thing we have in common is your pussy. I'm sorry I said that. I'm sorry I said that. You know what, I gotta go. I'm gonna go get a coffee. But yeah, you know how, that's how it is. Yeah, that's exactly how it is.

And back in the 70s, it was like that except in a writers on TV Yeah, yeah off track and on every this is Sesame Street watching you watching like General Hospital, yeah, they go whoa You didn't need to call him. Yeah, he's like picking up the syringe. He's like, what's this filled with? G G's I get two Gs? GGs? I need 50 GGs of grape soda for the... And he goes, oh my God, doctor! Doctor, you can't say that! He's like, I'm just kidding,

the Civil Rights Movement happened 10 years ago. What is this future? Of course I'm not serious. Remember the Civil Rights Movement? My socks are still wet from those fire houses. I mentored six years prior to this this but then I grew my hair out I wouldn't say it around I wouldn't say it around Jim Brown of course I'm not racist I have sideburns look at me I have a full beard it's 1973 how could I

possibly be right I had I have a sex with my neighbor. I couldn't be racist. I'm not a Nazi. I'm not Garfield. But to some extent, it being on TV makes the beach house less special. You know what I mean? The beach house is the one place you can wild out. If it's on TV, then it's like less... You're saying like dessert. You're saying the same argument about dessert for breakfast. What I'm saying is like, yeah, the beach house is a dessert this it creates a sanctity of the beach house You know if it's just all willy-nilly, you know every Jewish comedians are saying it on television. It's it's less It's less special. How many do you think Jewish comedians were like, yeah, but I'm Jewish. Let me get let me get that

That is the worst one I think they should start saying it over in Israel I think if that like honestly like they've tried everything PR wise and they're just losing back Yeah, every time if Netanyahu was like, What's up, boop? What's up? All y'all boop, about to find out. All these guys are boop. Soft A. Whoa! Whoa! From the streets.

Then it would be an entirely different argument because then you would lose a Western audience because then they wouldn't be talking about the genocide. They'd be blinded by, he's using the N-word. Yeah, he's like, yo, all these Raphas, all these boop and Raphas. Yeah, right, exactly. They're gonna stay in tents?

Yeah. How many boop? And his style's outdated too. He's wearing like rockwear and ATX. Big, big T-shirts. Just Mark Echo stuff. Big, giant T-shirts. Yeah, right, cash jeans.

Yeah. You know, like. He's just got, he's got a side hair. Yeah, no, he's got the sweatband, the low-legged Nelly sweatband. Just fat watches. Yeah, baby G-Shock on. They go, a ceasefire has been called for because these boop, they don't want to see us go to the streets. No, it would confuse people so much they wouldn wouldn't know I think you just solved it. I know that would be a real hell

Yeah, it wouldn't solve anything. There'd still be a genocide happening. Yeah Children would still be being murdered. Yeah, which I don't know if I could say that I might go to jail Yeah, I think you might get I think you go to jail now if you say it's a genocide I don't do watching the cops move in on Columbia last night. You know that seems that seems like that's really gonna work That's a great idea. Let's arrest it. We hundred students. Yeah, that'll really get people to stop hating Israel Good job Guys problem. Yeah, they're all sitting in jail right now going you know what I learned my lesson. It's not a genocide Yeah, it's you know what you're correct. We should send them more money

They're great. They're great guys. Also for camping like what were they? Where did those tents come from? Yeah, that's what my dad said to me on the phone. REI? There's a lot of money going into those tents. He literally said that on the phone. You know what? I was like, what are you talking about? As someone that's from Colorado? Oh, yeah, this is your milieu. Those are I know the I know the gear. You know that's from Colorado. Oh yeah, yeah. I will tell you. This is your milieu. Those are, I know the, I know the gear. You know that, you know that model. Those, those are sleeping six comfortably. Soros is dropping like, Soros, Soros. Someone's behind that. Soros is. You got big money behind those tents. Soros is getting some uh. Follow the tent money. Yeah. Yeah. I really feel like, I feel like Soros is like, uh, you know,

was it Island of Dr. Moreau where he has the human chess pieces? Yeah. That's like Soros is like, you know, was it Island of Dr. Moro or is it the human chess pieces? That's all Soros is doing. He's a guy with so much money, he's like, I just wanna see people fight. He's like, I don't have any agenda. What are you talking about? No. Dude, if I could get my rocks off of the PlayStation,

I wouldn't be doing this. Yeah, exactly, no. I'm gonna fund both sides and cause people to fight. I'm gonna make Kyle Ripness. I feel like they all do that. They just make like these poor, they just whip poor people into a frenzy. Turn them against each other and they go,

this shit's better than TV. Yeah, poor people killing each other. See, I'm the kind of rich now, my aspirations are like the Empire State Building Lego set rich. That's sick. Having that kind of money and time. Yeah.

Where I'm just. I wanna download Uncharted on my Steam Deck. That's the kind of. Those games are amazing. They're so sick. The first one actually, I, to download uncharted on my steam deck. That's those games. Those games are amazing So the first one actually I Number one sucks two through four second is supposed to be the best second two three and four rule I like the first one a lot and I didn't do much of a regression of regression like from the games like how they nailed the Puzzle solving in the action and two three and four of uncharted. Yeah, or unbelievable

Well, I played the first one first That's why yeah, I played one Three first I got the collection for ps4 cuz everyone's like uncharted 3 is the best. I'm like why I gotta play the other ones I don't not know what's happening. Yeah, I started at three like an idiot Yeah, so what a fan gave me a code a fan of mine worked at PlayStation He's like, here's the downloads. We mean worked at play. Wow, what a brag that he worked at PlayStation in San Diego You know, it's crazy. There's a company called the Pokemon company that you can work for. Please work for Pokemon That's the name of the company

It's not like fucking it's not like and I don't think you work for PlayStation as much as you worked for the developer They work for Sony. Yeah, yeah, you know, I think you worked for Naughty Dog in San Diego. Which I played a bit of the, what is the zombie one? No, no, no, that's the one we're talking about. Yeah, we're talking about Uncharted. The Last of Us. Oh, that's great. I played one, I didn't play two.

Well, I started playing one, and then I found out that the Last of Us part one is like the the remake like the good remake Yeah, and so I stopped playing it cuz I'm like well. I just want to play that one then I'll play the new one Yeah, were they were they updated it. I was playing the streaming one on like Like the cloud yeah, no you got to get that last of us is great I haven't played last of us too, but I just got done I'm still playing a little bit see for this kung fu game. Okay, and it's fucking fun. I played battlefield one. Basically, it's just yeah It's always funny to find out who plays what games yeah like Shane plays gay shit. No, he plays like military strategy He plays like the military version he does like the military version. He does like Age of Empires.

But that game's awesome. Napoleon's like fucking roller coaster tycoon. He's playing Waterloo City. He's like, what are you doing? He's like, you can't attack in the winter. I had him pegged as like Just Madden. No, he's good at Madden. We play, at Skankfest, he was there a day early and then I showed up and I went into his hotel room and he was playing like one of

Those he's like no I have a battle right now. Yeah, it was like what? Yeah, the sorrows he said Chains made too much money and he's gonna do that too because you know and because he's getting there He's making that kind of money He's already playing fucking like little human chess He's got La Mer and Gardini. Yeah, Shane is three years away from making La Mer guys. I go down there go down there and say fuck Israel Go down there say I'm black and I hate is Do it do if you tell or you're gay. Yeah

Like all right, I guess I don't If you tell or you're gay, yeah Go down there and pretend that down syndrome and say I'm down syndrome and I'm black and I do dude Dude, yeah, which one of our friends is gonna have Soros money. I think Shane might be Nate has it Nate has Soros money Yeah, they could be like I want you to go. I want you to go bomb some but is he like that though? Yeah, he's just gonna buy haircuts Yeah, I'm getting he's gonna buy a hoverboard modern. No, I got a guy that comes Bonnie cuts each hair He goes one by one. I'm paying by hey, I got the world's smallest scissors made And this guy it's only one guy that they shrunk a guy down Walker how they go across the room. It's like that

He's got a million dollars to have tiny man like you never thought that Nate is Willy Wonka rich He's got a cane and fake trips You make a bunch of kids die in this factory. It was this fun man my joke factory. I'm a fat German boy die And I paid his dad off. I paid off his dad singer style Yeah, I made this bitch turn into a blueberry I remember doing a podcast doing like one of my podcasts with Lewis and Tim. Yeah and fucking oh, yeah bastard radio Yeah, it was one of maybe was just real-ass podcast But like I think and I don't recall and then somebody's probably gonna fact-check me on this

But I remember Lewis being like we can make ten million dollars off like coming I was like, it's not gonna happen, dude. We're not gonna make $10 million. And then, yeah, and then Tim's like, it's not gonna fucking happen. And Louis is like, I promise you, I'll make $10 million. I mean, Tim laughed at him. And now, Louis is nowhere close to making $10 million.

But Tim has $10 million. He surpassed it. Yeah, yeah. Tim not only did it, Tim took Louis' dream and floated to the top. That's a great idea Louis goes Lewis it's and so it shall be done Lewis Yeah, this is my original idea that you do it. Louis has sharper image money Yeah, where he goes what if a chair could hug you? Yeah

Dude, what if a back massager had an alarm clock? Massager had an alarm clock Because goggles yeah, and you can see like Mount Rushmore But you're that you're like like an image finder. It's like all the gear for a grill. Yeah lasers It's laser guided grill Check the meat. Yeah, yeah, we're Yeah, I guess you could do that. That would be something. I was imagining more guiding the fork into the... He's like, yeah, brookstone.

So I got this all... So yeah, I was on my way to Denver to do Comfort Works. And I spent $10,000 at the brookstone in the airport. That's... whoever started Sharper Image goes, we'll sink the idiots with money. It's a trap for idiots with money. Right, yeah. Nouveau riche. Your uncle, your fat-necked uncle.

Will come in here and be so tired from walking around. I need a high-tech backyard. Yeah, he'll walk around with his stupid family in the mall, and then he'll land here and want a massage. Oh, it's got to be nice. It's called Brookstone. That sounds like the name of a sub development for billionaires. Do you know what's funny? As they turned around and named chocolate raspberries and acai's Brookstone to grab the same demo.

Wait, what are you talking about? Have you ever had Brookstone chocolate acai? I had acai one time in my life and then I realized, oh this is ice cream. Wait, they just took the name. And I don't like, I didn't, I thought I was getting like a grains bowl. No, that's like, it's like, yeah, it's like frozen yogurt.

I went into an acai place because I'm like, oh, I hear this is healthy. And then I was just eating dessert for lunch. And I was like, this acai. Oh, it's Brookside, I was wrong. Oh, classic. But they got it so like. Brookside, okay. But you know, they're going for Brookstone. That's like they're going they're hoping you remember sharper image. Absolutely

I remember sharper That was the place in the mall where you go like I'm gonna go sit down They got that was one they had to as soon as the recession hit they were like, oh, we're done. It's a wrap No way. There is no way this business survives Any kind that was a 100% for drug money. Yeah. Well, it's just for America having two months' money. No, he's right.

It's for a guy that sold weed and he was like, totally- He was like, I don't know what I'm gonna do and then all of the stoner- If you already bought the volcano, then you need the, yeah, the fish tank and like, light show. What if we just do it for older people? And everyone went, that's a fucking genius idea. A volcano for older people. Yeah, that's it It was all the stuff for people that we had to stop smoking weed. It smokes your medicine

Your blood pressure is what you're gonna fucking brilliant. Yeah. Yeah, yeah vaporize Vaporize your diabetes You can suck down your insulin ripping this vine is what you hold bag puff up. I hit a bag of insulin the other day. I'm ready. I can eat dude. I got Hattie's. I checked fucking Hattie's. My brain is whampin. Yeah. I took too much insulin. I love that. Yeah. I guess it is those guys that like

start making too much money at 19 from like flipping weed and then have a kid have a son that they would die for. I would die for him. I would die for him. Yeah. I'm gonna put all my money in sharper image. Yeah. They're they're still fucking 14 year old girls. It's a singer plan dude. The singer stop. Yeah. It's a singer roadmap. I gotta get into something. Battlefield 1 is just too good. I've rediscovered it recently, because I played it a lot in 2016. Do you play Battlefield 1?

Battlefield, is it third person or first person? It's first person. It's World War I. So it's all like bolt action rifles. This is the most satisfying thing in a game. Iron sights on a bolt action rifle and shooting somebody in the fucking head and you can't even see them They're just like a little dot on the other side of the map trench warfare blink. Yeah. Yeah, is there mustard gas and shit? Yeah, yeah, there's gas

But those sound fun. Yeah third person. I'd be all in it wire everywhere I know it fucked up in the bar guard. It shows you how stupid I am, but I like third-person games That makes it what was the Xbox one Gears of War? Yeah, here's a war was great. Yeah, here's where you had the giant suit I don't remember maybe there was a suit. I Came for free I bought I bought an Xbox 360 and I think Gears of War 3 yes free with it It's exactly it and it was I remember remember playing it and not knowing any of the backstory, I was like, this is the dumbest, like the characters' names were stupid.

Like Marcus Penis, isn't that the guy? It was all names of guys that have barbed wire tattoos around their biceps. Right, yeah, exactly. It was all like a 47 year old guy at the gym hoping people think he's on steroids. They want to ask him what his work on the team is. He wants people to think he's like right.

He wants to have a look. He wants to get a look. If I wear a flame beanie and I get bad enough people are going to think I'm on steroids. And if I take a supplement and then they can ask me about my supplements. I'm going to, I'm uncharted is what I'm rediscovering. I played Woke Spider-Man. So uncharted 2 what I'm rediscovering. I played spider-man Charter to which one battlefield spider-man miles Morales. Yeah, it's good Have you put spider-man to I played both spider-man twos great

He was so stressed out trying to get into hip-hop college and his deaf girlfriend was doing her graffiti There should be an Ian finance game what an Ian finance game There should be an Ian finance game. What an Ian finance game Awesome, where you suck a trans and then they get mad at you It would it would be awesome I got a deal where like some company decided to work with him and he's like doing a hole He's like the road to my video And he's like turning it into content and then it comes out and it's the worst game just terribly programs Unplayable it. Yeah, your PlayStation burns when a smoke comes out.

The Skull Level has been, it's just the worst. That's what happens when your PlayStation melts down. It's like, just down here at Rockstar Santa Monica, with like, dude, we're working on the Ian game. And I'm, dude, catch up. Don't plug it into a Power's trip. Blessed and amazed to be able to like experience this super cool stuff in my life. That's awesome.

There's a class action lawsuit. He just goes absolutely decimated. His external appearance is like a guy that's excited with the journey. Yeah, the reality is is a man that's barely Yeah, right He's like he's like a guy in the camps eating a dried rat that he's hidden from the guards and he's closing his eyes and imagining it's a cheeseburger and that's his mind he's like party it's like you know and people from the outside see the fantasy yeah they see the fantasy where they're like oh my god he's got bodacious babes around him? this guy's like happy is he in a convertible eating a cheeseburger?

working and enjoying the process. And then you just hear the heavy boots of a Nazi soldier walking around outside If you put him in a room that was like airtight and there was silence for longer than 30 Just there be a singularity Just Matthew McConaughey would come out Alright, man, that's how I'm bored. Look I like alien. Is that my daughter? Oh you go. Oh man, I'm gonna tell you right now, I sucked them off and I got problems. Interstellar was on TV the other day. That's a good one. Well, you know what I noticed too,

is like you know how they have those just the block robots? Yeah. At one point in the movie, Matthew McConaughey does the Matthew McConaughey close talking to one of the block robots. Yeah. Where they get him like over the robot shoulder, he's like, do you mean to tell me that we don't have any way to get down

to that planet it's just a block he's like just doing that like close do you think when he eventually goes when he goes crazy when he's like 80 he'll just be doing that to appliances he's already crazy but I'm saying like when he truly loses it and they can't put him out in public I guess he's gonna lose he's gonna be EG and he'll be bucey. He'll know be EG and Carol you think yeah He has the same I was right same kind of story about Donald Trump. I wasn't bird elf goodman Yeah, and it was check. We were in the back of the radio shack They do have the same voice we were in the back of the radio

back of the radio shack. They do have the same voice. We were in the back of the radio shack. He said, I said to him, you know I was writing for SNL, that's my favorite part of the story, I was writing for SNL at the time. So I said, you know, why don't I tell Donald Trump to put on a bathing suit? I thought that would be so funny to watch Donald Trump put on a woman's bathing suit. But she does it, says it in the context of I was working at SNL. Yeah, like Lauren goes I kind of like that Yeah, how about how about how about this guy? She just comes in the razor and because you guys she pitches a bad idea She's like she's like, how about this for a sketch idea? It's we do we do Jimmy Carter and he's he can't get the hostages back. I don't know something

Yeah, and then and then Lauren goes wow. Yeah, really funny funny How about we do are you getting raped in a dressing room? It better be because Donald Here's a here's an even better sketch idea Donald Trump raping you in a Boring how about you ask Donald Trump to put on a bathing suit maybe get raped yeah EG boring. How about you ask Donald Trump to put on a bathing suit and maybe get raped? Yeah. Yeah. What's the E stand for? Extremely raped by Donald Trump. There's roasts in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You couldn't hit one of those buttons on the thing on the time. Wow. Took a while to go shopping. Did somebody get raped in the dressing room perhaps?

This is a mean girl. This is a mean girl. This is a bully girl. Which makes sense because that's what they always say what SNL is like. Yeah, that he gossips. That very thing where he goes, hey everybody, look who's back from Bergdorf Goodman. What happened? Did you get raped by a businessman? Eye roll. Anyways, we got sushi but we ate most of it. Because you were out getting raped. How would you say that? She's like, wow, thanks. Oh, oh wow, there I was.

Well, I wouldn't describe it that way. It was more of a fight. We sort of fought each other. Fought each other. It was a tangle like two rams bucking into each other. Is she from Texas? What is that? Is she like, is it, she's just doing her thing.

Her being Matthew McConaughey is hilarious. Yeah, her and Ron White. And she was low dead. Trump raped Tater Salad. I drove 45 hours to get raped in the Bergdorf Goodman. You ever have the president's cock up your ass? He goes, now that'll give me a little US value. I said, okay, I'll vote for the Democrats.

I said, sure, I was raped. Okay. Dude, Ron White doing fucking Bergdorf Goodman rape. But here we go. I was right. Yeah, I got some crazy stories. And he wiped his penis off my butt cheeks. You ever had shit come wiped? You ever have a man wipe your butt cheeks with his cock? I don't know if you know how deep butt cheeks are.

You ever have a man use his cock like toilet paper in your ass? It's called a credit card slap. Hey, I've had a dipstick rubbed on my forearm, but I've never had a cock rubbed on my butt cheeks. And that's why they call you... He's just a guy in the biggest hat you've ever seen, just not laughing. He's going, I paid for this. It's going. I paid for this. We messed up.

I paid for this. I thought he was the good one. I thought Ron would say. I thought George Soros, Ron White. I honestly haven't checked in since the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. I thought we were coming to see transphobic hate speech. I had no idea that he was.

I didn't know. I thought he still had his fourth four seam fastball. I had no idea that he just thinks he really went off the reservation Dude I can't wait to watch all the transporters. All right. Well, go ahead brother. Thanks for joining us. I will be at helium in Philadelphia We just added a show on May 16th Thursday night late show That's in a couple of weeks. We sell that one out out then maybe we'll add Sunday show but 16 through the 18th everything's gone except Thursday late please come out to that and also just announced for a presale Boston the Wilbur Theatre and the Lincoln Theatre in September that'll be the weekend of

the 29th I think 28 29th I'm in one or the other or something but you can check it out at my website mold dog slash live-shows Thanks Well you Grand Rapids, dr. Grins May 16th through the 18th And then I will be at Columbus funny bone May 31st and June 1st and then I will be at Columbus funny bone May 31st and June 1st and then I'm on the Burke her Bert Kreischer fully loaded tour and then Addison improv so let me ask you this when you're like you're doing the shows the Bert tour He's not on stage. You're just in the back for hanging is this shirt on

So he's always off. Okay, all right, you never know what you're just in the back. Phone hang. Is his shirt on? Yeah. So he's always off. Okay. You never know what you're getting. Yeah. Wow. Little call man, little call. Yeah. I want to know what the ratio is. I've explained this to Burt. I've said this to Burt's face. He's a blank check. Remember the Disney movie blank check? Yeah, Mr. McIntosh. The thing with Burt is like, the joke is taking his shirt off. It's a pop but I see kind of like it's listen I see him I see him so often with his shirt off. It's like does the shirt ever come off? I'm gonna if he just starts off with the shirt off. I don't understand what's happening You don't have it. You don't have the angle, right? Yeah, it's Hulk Hogan tearing his shirt off

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, but I'd never you see Hulk Hogan with the shirt off all the time I know but you see him tearing the shirt off but the tearing the shirt off is what gets the Trish That's what I'm saying. When does that happen with Burt because it seems like at the beginning of the show So he takes the shirt off and he comes out dude. It's a pop So it's sure it's on when he comes out and then he tears how many minutes in right off the top, dude That's his opener. Oh Get into it shirt, but here's the other thing that I don't understand anytime I've seen a picture of Burt Kreischer with a shirt off his hat is still on I don't know how dude

He does the shirt with the hat still on Wow What now I take it you know here, but I take it Bird I'm gonna give you a little bit of advice right and I think this is a big move It's a big move big move for Bert is if he could figure out a way to instead of tearing the shirt off, have it suck it into his own asshole. You're ready to party. Yeah, he's like, I call that the EG in care. Why?

You know what? We're going to do it as a cold open. Yeah what we're gonna do it is cold open yeah that's gonna be our cold open yeah live from New York all right guys thanks for watching I'm in Spokane in July there are more dates to be announced I think I'm gonna do a special fall do it. Do it, dude. Do it. I hope, you wanna come? Do it. You wanna do the set for me?

Do it. All right, thanks a lot, guys, bye. Peace.