The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 21 Presents: The Jordan Jensen Show Podcast - Episode 02

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 21 Presents: The Jordan Jensen Show Podcast - Episode 02 ----- Subscribe to @jordanjensenlolstop, Bein' Ian with Jordan Podcast and catch her new special! ... Subscribe to @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: LIVE SHOWS: JORDAN JENSEN: Sep 21 - 23: Grand Rapids, MI Dr. Grins Comedy Club: NICK MULLEN:  ADAM FRIEDLAND: NEW YORK COMEDY FESTIVAL: Nov 8: New York, NY @ Town Hall

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Nehaal, ma! Welcome to... ...Loss Adam Friedland Show. I don't really have... Chinese, there's not like... They can say it. They can't say Jordan. No, no, but they don't have like a THE... ...Adam Friedland Show would just be Adam Friedland show.
Starting point is 00:00:28 Yeah, I think. Maybe the at the end. Adam Friedland show that. Oh, I assume. No, it would have to be that like you would have to say, Adam Friedland show, like spiritual original. Mm.
Starting point is 00:00:43 Dragon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Question? You know, this other language is constructed. Good afternoon, folks. It is September. It is Wednesday, September 13th. This week we got to do this one a week in advance
Starting point is 00:01:02 because I will be out of town and Adam is out of town as well. Adam is in Greece, which I, where the fuck is the goddamn fucking timer on this fucking thing? I swear to God. Just go to open your alarm and then you'll accidentally open the timer every time. Yeah, I know. That's what it is. It's always, I always go to the stopwatch is what I need.
Starting point is 00:01:24 But I go to the countdown timer by accident every time. I do it on stage every time too. I've handed my phonewatch is what I need. I go to the countdown timer by access. Every time I do it on stage every time too. I've handed my phone to audiences and be like, let's make this work. One says S, one says T. I don't understand the fucking, oh, oh, yeah. I'm supposed to know the different types of clocks. What do you got?
Starting point is 00:01:41 That was not a burp. That's not a burp. Yeah, I know. My gastric system is... You still vegan? No, I quit that. Really? Yeah, because I was like...
Starting point is 00:01:53 Dying? Yes. You were perishing. Yeah. Anyways, yeah. I'll do it. I'll switch back to that when I get cancer. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:07 And then I'm gonna be one of the guys that's like, no, there's a fruit and Vietnam. Yeah. And I'm just gonna eat that. You're gonna climb to the diet. I'm gonna beat this thing by eating bugs. Yeah. I think we should be eating more bugs.
Starting point is 00:02:19 I've been jamming fucking incense into my nose and eating bugs. What's that gonna be? That's how I'm gonna beat cancer by pretending to be in. That was like the move in the 70s. It was like, you got cancer, you went to the doctor in the 70s, it was like, well, we can cut, I'll cut you open and just rip shit out. Or you can eat rocks.
Starting point is 00:02:38 Yeah. Or you can do cultural appropriation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that might work. or you can do cultural appropriation. Yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, African guy, like he was like, one by one and he was talking so loud. And I kept looking up for my book and just being like, why is your, and he would look at me kind of like, what are you looking at?
Starting point is 00:03:10 And I was like, is that just what, like if English just sounds like this, like a normal vocal cord range is African? And Mexican, he was like, hey, I'm not out. And I was like, do you just have to, like if he was speaking in a whisper, would it just become a different language?
Starting point is 00:03:23 I would imagine Africa is very loud. So he's like, the guy he's talking to, like he has like ears are going back with the frequency of this man's voice. He's like, oh, they were talking to each other. Yeah, but one guy was quiet and he wasn't African. Bumba, bumba, bumba. Yeah, one guy was like, yeah, I hear what you're saying
Starting point is 00:03:41 and then I was like, bumba, bumba, bumba, bumba, bumba, bumba, and it was like crazy. I mean, it was so, and Mexican's too. I've had them on job sites and I'm like, the homeowner is here if you're saying there. I was like, oh my God, and it was like crazy. I mean, it was so. And Mexican soup. Yeah. I've had them on job sites and I'm like, the homework is here if you could do it. And they're like,
Starting point is 00:03:50 oh, okay. Oh, they're loud. Really loud. Or Guatemalan's quiet. I've never talked to them. I'm not allowed. Not allowed, you say. Anyways, so yeah, I mean,
Starting point is 00:04:01 you've already done not necessarily deep dive, but you've looked into this this little alien little tucker. I said that well that's what I love about it is that it's a Mexican version of an alien that they have an alien and it's like if you imagine light years away that there's there's alien America, there's a Mexico, alien Mexico. Like they somehow found Mexico.
Starting point is 00:04:29 It's a little guy. He's little Harry texted it to me this morning. You met Harry. He's got a spider man backpack from Camel. I know. I don't know if he's a little walkie-talkie. He has a kid that's as tall as him. Oh yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:41 Yeah, Harry texted me and said they uncovered it. They uncovered two little fuckers. And I was like, what? And then I saw the picture. It has to be fake. They look like little sculptures. But... Yeah, well, I mean...
Starting point is 00:04:54 I would do that if I was Mexico if everybody was like, you're aliens, you're aliens. It's a kind of fossilized thing. But like... I don't think... I think they made it recently. And they gave it a shout. Because all of the stuff I've read, there's nobody being like, we don't think, I think they made it recently and they gave it a shout, because all of the stuff I've read,
Starting point is 00:05:06 there's nobody being like, we dated the skin. I briefly read that they did do radio carbon dating on it. And it went back a thousand, but what if that's just what little Mexicans look like? I don't think. I was saying it was a baby and then somebody's like, it's pregnant. Well, I would assume that it's just a doll
Starting point is 00:05:23 or a sculpture or something that was made out of some kind of old stuff. Yeah, material that like, I don't know, I'm going to be able to imagine when things are fossilized, it loses some of its... I mean, it kind of turns to like ash or dirt anyway. Yeah. How do you know? Like, it's probably just a doll. Yeah. And then like, I think Occam's razor here. Okay. It's definitely not a fucking alien from 1700 years ago. Who looks like every alien we've always. Yeah, right. Yeah. And has obvious little sculpture.
Starting point is 00:05:56 Like anybody who plays with Skopey for five minutes makes that thing. Yeah, I mean, that would be fucked up. It would be weird if in our time, our lifetime, that like, there's just aliens and they are like they were in the movies and that's all. That's why they. Yeah, and then also like science does the things that are supposed to be impossible. Because it must have been crazy if you grew up,
Starting point is 00:06:25 if you were like 40 years old in like 1905 or whenever the Wright brothers made that stupid fucking plane. Yeah. You know, if they were like 40, you're like, what do you mean we can fly? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Well, that's how I feel about the watch. When I was little, I had to pretend
Starting point is 00:06:40 an imaginary computer watch that I would hit and be like, be, be, be, be, be, be BEE BEE. And now it just is something that we have. Right, I remember as a kid, they would say that they're like, eventually computers are going to be so small you can wear one as a watch. Yeah. Just imagine like a little desktop computer. Me desktop. It's like a tiny, white. They should make that.
Starting point is 00:06:56 They use with like a toothpick. Yeah. And I'm like, that doesn't really seem very convenient. And now this thing just pissing me off all the time because I... I can't wear those things. I was... What about when it tells all the time because I can't wear those things. What about when it tells you to breathe? I couldn't get mine to stop doing that. Oh, yeah. No, I, uh, it's like calm down. Mine doesn't do that.
Starting point is 00:07:13 I think because I do, I do like yoga and stuff. Really? So it logs the like mindfulness minutes or something. It can feel your yoga. No, you just said, I say, hey, I'm doing yoga. Oh, you're using it how they should be. You're a tech guy. Yeah, where I use, I use the down dog app. I'm old now, my joints hurt, so I need to do, I have to do some kind of, like,
Starting point is 00:07:36 Do you do it at your house? Yeah, I have a yoga man. I have to, I have a stretcher, I'm gonna, like, I'm just gonna be hurt. My back, I fuck my back up like three times a year. I have to do butt exercises basically every day, or my butt becomes like labia, and then I just lose all strength
Starting point is 00:07:52 to the rest of my body. What do you mean it becomes like labia? Just withers into just nothing. Just concave. So when you say you do butt... Like a pigeon chest, pigeon butt. You mean like squats, you're doing squats. So when you say you do buy a- Like a pigeon chest, pigeon butt. You mean like squats, you're doing squats.
Starting point is 00:08:06 So many squats. Just to give, you know, I need a solid. You know how like- I hate doing squats. Yeah, they suck, they're the worst. They're more sexier, so I- They hurt? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:16 You know women with like diabetic women who are like big fat hogs on bottom and then they have this like tiny little torso. Yeah, if you like doing squats, you're either fat or European. Yes, yeah. And the only people. Yeah, I'm trying to get European.
Starting point is 00:08:28 You're either selectively bred by a former Soviet state. Yeah, well, every name of a squat is like a Russian dead baby. That's the names of those. What's that? Yeah. Romanian deadlift, or Bulgarian split squats. Yeah, none of them are like American boy, but, you know.
Starting point is 00:08:50 Texas style. Yeah, I don't know, I like that. But yeah, I got kettlebells and then I just look up women that are hot and just tell them, they just tell them how to do it. The kettlebells you do, what? Goblet squats? Goblet and you do the thing where you like go down
Starting point is 00:09:03 and then back up. Feels good. What's down and back up? Like you're standing like this and you do the thing where you go down and then back up, it feels good. What's down and back up? Like you're standing like this and you're holding it and you bend and then lift it back up and it pulls the back up. Oh, okay. Oh yeah, so just like, like RDLs with the kettlebell.
Starting point is 00:09:17 Seven of RDLs. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. RDLs you start at the top and you go down to your hamstring stretch and then go back up? Yeah, yeah, I've been doing my wrists are fucked up because I'm getting back into handstand pushups. Oh, it's like. Everybody does those, it's crazy.
Starting point is 00:09:35 Do you do it against a wall? Yeah, you try to, you can, if the eventual goal is to do them free standing, you gotta like try to get off the wall as soon as possible. Can you do them? How many are you doing? Free standing, I don't know, it's hit and miss.
Starting point is 00:09:53 I can do like one or two, but it's the trick with doing them free. Because if you do them against the wall, like the way they do them in CrossFit, people put their hands real wide and then they flare their elbows. And if you practice them that way, you're never gonna be able to do like a regular.
Starting point is 00:10:07 You have to keep your shoulder blades like just like this almost. Like so here's your shoulder blades, you got to keep them out like that. So you use your serratif to pull your shoulder blades forward and then you have to bring your elbows in. And if you do them, I mean you can do it against the wall this way, but to do them like that, we'll have carry over to free standing. You got to keep your elbows locked way in. And then the motion is you move like your head forward.
Starting point is 00:10:35 So you end up kind of at any. Are you rid of squinting? If you had, if you squint your head, if you squint, well, you just, you sort of touch your, your, you come, head if you squinch. Well, you just sort of touch your, you're, you come. But if you fall. Touch your, you know, fall. Also, I weigh like, I weigh 90 pounds. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:50 I don't have big deal. But I mean, it is like just hard on my wrist at this point. Yeah. I think you have to do these, they say. Yeah, I don't really. But that's the thing, you do yoga and it just covers all that shit. Yeah, yoga rules.
Starting point is 00:11:03 I used to do beaker yoga, which I like, because every time it was the same thing, so there wasn't some bitch in there being like, and you know what I thought of, the harvest. Everybody like, you know what I mean? And you're like, I hate you. That's why I use apps, because I can't deal with their daily affirmations,
Starting point is 00:11:18 and it's so fucked up. I'm like, I wanna kill myself. That's why I'm here. And you're being like, my mom told me something, and I'm like, your want to kill myself. That's why I'm here. And you're being like, my mom told me something. And I'm like, your mom's addicted to drugs. Yeah, your mom's already three bottles of wine. Your mom made a yoga instructor who lives in bedstay. I absolutely, I had one, I tell you about this.
Starting point is 00:11:38 There's one, there's black lady, big black goddess of lady. Super hot. Who now, now they're the best at yoga. Yes. Five years, 10 years ago, it was like, would you believe they can do yoga too? Yeah. And now it's now that they're.
Starting point is 00:11:53 That's where you go. That's Mrs. Yoga. Yes. They're the Israelites. They're the original pharaohs. Every single one of them as came, so they're like, oh, trust me. Oh, my gosh., I'll trust him.
Starting point is 00:12:06 This woman smashed her car. She's teaching the class every day. And I go, no, no, no, I go to her class all the time. I'm listening to her. Yeah. She's more the fucking yoga. And then they go in and she's like, after the class, we talk after. And you know what, you're a comedian.
Starting point is 00:12:24 People will just, for some reason, just tell you things they should never tell you she's that happened to you um people say things to me that I'm like you mean like audience like after anybody they just there's like an open bookish about comedians like a curiosity people really don't talk to me okay okay I see that that's because the shape of your face, I think. What is that mean? Well, the way you hold your face is really like, Well, it's bright in here. It's the same way my mom is always like, So I've been wearing sunglasses on the show. It's a lot nicer. It is nice.
Starting point is 00:12:54 I'm gonna do it. Do you want ears? Well, this alienate you? What's that? This alienate you? Uh-uh. Sometimes it's alienate. The theme today is aliens, an alienation.
Starting point is 00:13:03 Um, it's that's... What was I talking about? Oh, she hit it instead really alienating. The theme today is aliens, an alienation. It's that, what was I talking about? Oh, she hit a acidic, no. She ran into a acidic juice car. He gets out and he's like, hey, can we, he was like, you hit my car and she was like, I'm so sorry and he goes, we can deal with this at my house. And she was like, what?
Starting point is 00:13:20 And then they went to his house and he was like, you can suck my dick and we'll call it even. And she told me that. And then they went to his house. And he was like, you can suck my dick and we'll call it even. And she told me that. And then I could never, again, I mean, I would go to her class and she'd be like, get down into a down dog. And I'd be like, I don't trust you.
Starting point is 00:13:32 I don't trust anything else. She blew a acidic. That's the worst person to blow. Okay, another story. And then this year's turn. Tyler Fisher. You know Tyler Fisher? Yes.
Starting point is 00:13:43 He does a good Trump impression on Wilson and is like the anti-vaxxer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've met him once twice. At the seller last night, or two nights ago, a homeless man ran at him and then he dropped his phone and then the guy we call Wheels,
Starting point is 00:13:57 which is a man who's never stood up in his life. He has dreads that are becoming whole ecosystems of terror, okay? He's disgusting and we're always just like, like when you give him a dollar, you're like, you know? And Tyler was like, where's my phone? Where's my phone?
Starting point is 00:14:09 You chased the other guy and then we all like came up to him out of the darkness. And was like, I know where your phone is. And he was like, where is it? And he goes and he pulls it out of his penis. Out of his like, like, his pants. He didn't get worse. A snake.
Starting point is 00:14:23 And Tyler was like, do you want to hear this? And I was like, yes, tell me what shape the phone was in. And he was like, slippery, wet, gunky. Yeah. And I was like, immediately like, I could. And then he said, well, finally get the vaccine now. Yes, now he needs it. No, at least we'll get the vaccine.
Starting point is 00:14:38 Yeah, now he needs it. Yeah. And then he was like, and then wheels was like, give me money. And he was like, give him a dollar. And he was like, more money. And he gave him $20. And he was like, okay, give him the phone.
Starting point is 00:14:52 And then Tyler took a video of the guy the next day being like, hey, remember yesterday, you stole my phone, you put it in your pants, did it? And wheels was just going to go, he's like, yes, yes. Yes, I do. And then Tyler was like, Tyler was like, pretty fucked up. And he goes, I was Yes, I do. And then Tyler's like, Tyler's like pretty fucked up and he goes, I was looking out for you. And I was like, I think he might believe that
Starting point is 00:15:09 in his heart, you know what I mean? In the wheels economy. Yeah. Okay, we'll get back to that in a second. Okay. This week's episode is brought to you once again by Guys, it is football season, I think.
Starting point is 00:15:25 Or it's coming up. It has, dude. Men be getting literally coming in, being like, e-a-g-l-e-s. And you have to be like, if you're a man and you like spelling, it's so bad. It's fucking, it is spelling time.
Starting point is 00:15:41 It's time to spell those teams, boys. And if you like letters, I got a couple of them for you. M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E dot A-G. Type that into your web browser and fucking gamble. Gamble on your favorite letters. I would say it was kind of crazy that we let nerds get away with the job title of Webmaster. Yeah, that that still persists. It's crazy that there's a guy that's just like, I'm a Webmaster. Are there Webmasters? I think that might be gone.
Starting point is 00:16:20 Yeah. I don't know if I think it's a whole, I think it's all managed by look at sales force, team in India every website. There's a lot of fake. There's a lot of bad names. Stewardess. Yeah. Steward. Stewardess. Steward was always funny. He was going to make me think of the retarded guy from TV. Yeah. And like Mad TV, there's my bookie. That's a George Carlin bit right there. Really? You got Mad TV, you got my bookie.
Starting point is 00:16:52 What's next? Fucking HIV. HIV positive, HIV negative. The greatest comedian of all time. Yeah. g a sports betting website, but that's not all you can bet on other things Like politics. Well really yeah horse races. I would love yeah, I should get into gambling on horses my grandfather really I think is it abusive to them? I don't care
Starting point is 00:17:21 Really? But I think is it abusive to them? I don't care. I don't care. Where are you vegan? Uh-huh. Where are you vegan? You love animals. Yeah, but I'm not.
Starting point is 00:17:32 I don't think it's abusive. I think horses love running. And when we pass, we pass the horses yesterday when we left here, you're stirred. I don't really think you can be abusive towards an animal bigger than us unless you do it with a gun. What if their brain is a little thing attached to a giant silly body? What do you mean? Horses are just a tiny brain with a big dumb.
Starting point is 00:17:54 I'm going horseback. It's a big brain. I mean, it didn't trouble for this. They're basically native of a man. Did you see the video of the horse fucking dumb? My bookie.agie, you can bet on the horse races. Fucking dumb. I'm not fucking dumb. I'm not fucking dumb., you can bet on the horse races. NFL College football and brand new cash out system, give you options to bet and win all season long.
Starting point is 00:18:16 The first two legs of your parlay hit cash out early and use the funds on another bet or let it ride for the chance at a bigger payday. Join the Mybooky family for an entire season filled with odds, booths, free bets, and super contest. I love the idea of a super contest. I don't know what that is. It's like a wet t-shirt contest, but they also have swords.
Starting point is 00:18:38 Maybe? I don't know. What's a super contest? Go to and find out. This is new in my bookie. So if you've been a long time listening to you say, yeah, I know about my bookie. I've been listening to this dog shit for years. Well, listen up, you fucking guinea moron.
Starting point is 00:18:56 We got the new cash bonus system that lets you deposit and withdraw quick. Use promo code TASFS on a deposit of $50 more and you can receive up to $200 in cash instantly to your my bookie account. And you bet your deposit amount once and you're ready to cash out any time. So you bet that $50 and then you get the 200 for my understanding. You can just take the $200. Yeah. It's free $200. Yeah. Free $200. Free. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:26 Zero cost. I think it used to be a thing where like they give you up to a $1,000 cash bonus, but then you had to gamble all that money. Like this one. That seems fair. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:39 That's a gift card. That's all that is. Exactly. Again, that's promo code Tafs to claim your cash deposit bonus. You can bet anything, anytime, anywhere, only with my, which is... Agriculture. Agriculture. That's the horses.
Starting point is 00:19:56 That's right. You can bet on the fattest cow with a fair. Speaking of fat cows, the fair and me and the end are going, we're speculating tomorrow. Yeah. I don't know if you spend so much time with him. Not, not, I mean like day to day stuff I get, but like anything that I can only, I have a limit, I don't think I can go with Ian to anything where I could see more enthusiasm that he's already bringing to any situation.
Starting point is 00:20:19 Okay, I'll tell you how, because if I said to you, get away from me like, oh my God, wow! In ash tray, wow, an ass tray, wow. And I'm like, just take it down a notch. I can't wait. I say take it down a notch. He has to. This is this the best thing you ever fucking see in Vegas with him. It was crazy. He's like, what's smoking inside? I'm like rapidly deteriorating down to my soul. Because also you can say to him, you can be like, I hate you and I need you to my soul. Because also you can say to him, you can be like, I hate you and I need you to be quiet.
Starting point is 00:20:47 And he's like fair, fair, fair. And they'll put himself in the cage. Also, he's depressed right now, which is when we get along really well. Mm-hmm. Yeah, how you doing, man? I've been doing really fucking bad. Next time you see him.
Starting point is 00:21:04 Dude, I've got a Rubik's Cube. I've got not just bought 15 fucking Rubik's cubes. Hey, it's not me. It just point to my lip and you're like, heard. I got it. No, definitely. It's a team effort.
Starting point is 00:21:21 Dude, I was thinking about getting it. and it's a team effort. Dude, dude, I was thinking if I get into, I'm just, I'm getting into classic tiger electronic handheld games. I just spent $18,000 on eBay. I got a whole fucking box of them. We're gonna turn them into a podcast. What do you mean? What does that mean?
Starting point is 00:21:44 No, I don't think it's going to help if you have the only Lego based podcast. Also, you're going to get sued. You can't have the Lego podcast where you're talking about sucking the entire cast of orange, blue, black, rocks. I guess Luke Mona was telling a story less than it about Jolus AirPods getting stolen and then it was like, y'all and Luke was like, sorry, it's not a story. I don't know about Jolus AirPods getting stolen and then it was like, Y'all and Luke was like, sorry, it's not a story. I don't know how you're getting like raped by a symbol of commerce.
Starting point is 00:22:12 Yeah. It is every time he talked to me and he's like, oh yeah, I had sex with a lady last night who had a dick so big it ripped back my throat open. Well, I like that he kind of, and it's very tempting for comedians to like brand themselves is like mental health people, like the mental health sphere is such a fucking like annoying thing. And then I get, it's like annoying because I get like people be like, dude, it's cool
Starting point is 00:22:38 that you've like talked about. I'm like, just because it's a podcast, I have nothing else to talk about. I certainly don't want to brand myself. It's like somebody with mental illness. So, you get the retard at your show, just fully. Yeah, to me, it's the thing to be like, I have wrist pain and then you're like, I've struggled with carpal tunnel
Starting point is 00:22:55 and see that represented. I don't want to represent anything. Yeah, yeah. I want to get through the fucking hour and talk about these Mexican aliens. Yeah. I have a lot of orderline girls coming out to my shows. But in, in gets into the, the branding himself is like a,
Starting point is 00:23:08 or not branding himself. I don't know if that seems unfair, but, you know, he does talk about mental health stuff. More of the bisexuality. Yeah, but it's, the mental health like, you, you should be fucked up. You know what I mean? Like on drugs?
Starting point is 00:23:22 No, no, I don't mean fucked up on drugs, but like the, the catalyst for this mental illness is entirely valid. You know, it's like the mental health internet influencer ecosphere, it's because it derives from like, you know, like the economy of white women inventing problems that don't exist to solve them. Oh, I see.
Starting point is 00:23:42 You're having somebody who got raped. Basically, like it's like a method got raped by his father, it's like, I have mental illness. You could do it. You're like, yeah. It's done. It's done. You're like, yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:53 It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done.
Starting point is 00:24:01 It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. like, yeah, we both had like the most horrendous, you know what I mean? Like, we're not meditating together with this. We're literally locking ourselves in a basement and losing oxygen. Yeah. Anyways, sorry Ian, hopefully that wasn't too critical.
Starting point is 00:24:17 He doesn't build himself as that, but he gets build as that. That's right. He's a bit polar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think he's very like, hey man, he is, he is. Nobody actually brands themselves as anything really.
Starting point is 00:24:28 There's a little bit of the in the women's fear of being like, I have this, it's okay to have this. It's fine, you know what I mean? There's, I've seen women be like, I have, you know, there's OCD, I say that I have OCD, and there's a lot of comics who are like, I have OCD. But yeah, it's rare that somebody becomes the comic of. Yeah, that's an,
Starting point is 00:24:51 except for Latino, which is a mental illness. That I must be like, I have that. That's me, I have that. I have OCD, I have autism. You can just say that. The autism one, how many comics say they have autism, and there's just zero, that Dan Lamarck guy. I'm like, I'm like, I start starting to have all of that. Yeah, that would
Starting point is 00:25:08 be good for you. That you could get out of so much. Yeah. What's that? Really good. There's two many blacks in here. And then people have to be like, he has all of that. That's great. He's 34 years old. What do you mean he has all time? He got the Johnson & Johnson. I've been told a lot recently I have autism. The Ian on the podcast was like, I'm hang out with Toby and I'm like, Toby with the dead girlfriend. And he's like, no, stop.
Starting point is 00:25:34 Yeah, that was the thing. It's because people do that to me. They're like, oh, you're like, I'm an autistic comedian. And it's like, I didn't say that. Like, fucking, people just accuse me of it and they say it to me, to insult me. And then the insult is repeated to me by everyone.
Starting point is 00:25:52 They say you're autistic? Yeah, people do, they assume I'm not autistic at all. No, not autistic. No, I just, I'm just scary guy. I'm just kind of rude. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:05 Anyway, Mexican aliens, Gary guy. I'm just kind of rude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Mexican aliens, let's talk about these old fuckers. Let's get into it. It's so funny to have them be like, you're autistic, no, I'm just a bad guy. I'm just, I'm just a, I'm like a bad guy. How do I think I'm a bad guy? No way. But rude is good.
Starting point is 00:26:23 I'm a rude man. I don't even think I'm particularly rude. I think I just have kind of maybe like a reserved affect and it's from maybe just staring at screens too much. You think? No, I think there is a lack of, I have it too, where people are like, I'll say something and people are like, that's so mean.
Starting point is 00:26:38 And I'm like, oh, I'm just saying, I'm just saying exact, you know what I think it is? I'll be like, I'm just saying exactly what it is because I'm a little too depressed and dissociated to like filter for anybody. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:26:50 I mean, I don't think I, I don't think I even, I think mainly the problem is my face. Really? Yeah, people tell me stuff and then I'm like, right? Yeah. Oh. I should just wear sunglasses all the time. But isn't that because you're thinking
Starting point is 00:27:03 about something else instead of what there's- No, I'm listening to them. But it is easy for me to go off on like tangents, but I am listening. Huh. I guess it's like, yeah, because I'm going to do fall into the problem where like, you know, when someone is just venting, and then you're like,
Starting point is 00:27:18 trying to find a solution. And I have to admit, Ralph and like somebody will offer, like, when you just do this and you start to shut the fuck up and just let me complain. Yeah. I don't want like, you know, an answer to this problem. I just want to bitch about it. I already know what the answer is.
Starting point is 00:27:32 When you're talking to women, that's when you zoom out, right? That's when you fall asleep in your brain. No, I don't think so. It might be. When I talk to women, sometimes I will take a brain nap on accident. No, I think I am relatively engaged when I'm talking to, you know, unless I'm tired,
Starting point is 00:27:48 that's the thing is I'm not good. If I'm tired, then it's like it's nap time. Yeah. No matter who it is or what it is. Can you perform tired? Yeah, I kind of just black out when I go on stage anyways. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah. Anyways, today's episode is also brought to you by FUME.
Starting point is 00:28:09 We discussed this last week. We're discussing it again. Actually, let me let me head Take it take it again. We'll do a reset Because it reminds you of the thing that you really want. No, no because it reminds you of the thing that you really want. No. No. Let's say that. Today's episode is also brought to you by Fume. Fume is pronounced.
Starting point is 00:28:31 This is gonna fuck me up every time I look at it. Fume. That's the thing. If I was just reading the word Fume, I would never problem. But when you say it's pronounced Fume and then put it, then I read it like a fucking pronunciation. How do they spell how you pronounce a F-U-M-E? U-M-E. So I think fume. Right, fume hobby. Yeah. Anyways, here's fume, right? And that's F,
Starting point is 00:29:12 F. Umel out over the U.M. pronounced fume. And what fume is is a, it creates positive habits. So, a lot of people have bad habits, right? And sucking air into a tube. Yeah. Good habits. Suck flavored air through a tube is a good habit. Look, let's say fuck you to the copy today. Let's go, they have a description of every part in here. So we'll go one by one, and easy to clean steel body. I wish I had one of those on my, me, I mean, but this is good. Upright position line indicator.
Starting point is 00:29:39 I didn't even see this, but that's the upright position. What's upright about it? Well, then the slot is here. Oh, that's yeah. In case, you know, it's not gonna fall out anyways, but maybe you're like, where the hell is the fucking, the line? Now you can see the lines right there.
Starting point is 00:29:57 You got an easy snapping for it. I really do like the action on this, this little spring I'm like, you know, just putting that in there that way. And like, all right, motherfucker, it's time to fume. Does it feel like a syringe style or a gun style? Gun style. Let me try.
Starting point is 00:30:16 Feels like put a little bullet in the, in the, oh yeah, pops in nice. Yeah, it's made with real wood. I don't know what, and the ball now just smells like the fume stuff. I don't know what... The one that just smells like the fume stuff. I don't know what kind of wood this is. What do you think? Pine, does that look like pine to you?
Starting point is 00:30:31 It's a little hard. Can't be pine, right? That's gotta be hard. It might be treated pine. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Yeah, and then it's... It looks like it's laser-etched.
Starting point is 00:30:41 Definitely laser-etched. Yeah. Fume. Pretty cool stuff. The barrel clicks to indicate position, right? So you got this little choke on the end. I don't think you put this in here, right? There you go. Now that would have been this far.
Starting point is 00:30:59 No, what if? That would have outbombed. Like this had been your gun. You'd have pulled this out and pulled the trigger, fucking wheeled it at my brother. And then you would have been just brutally raped, just beaten to death while being raped for having the audacity to pull that gun out. Yeah. Not even loaded properly. Maybe it would scare them.
Starting point is 00:31:19 Oh, I brought up the lesson to you. Next time you load this wrong, think about your demise and an alley somewhere. What do you look for? I'm gonna show you my big knife. Oh, yeah, nice, bring the knife. We have a K-Bar in the office. A K-Bar? Yeah, K-Bar.
Starting point is 00:31:38 Yeah, so you twist the barrel here and that adjusts the flow rate. And then Jordan Point is that last week, I was pulling it into my mouth and then inhaling afterwards. And that doesn't really seem to be the move with this thing. You wanna open it up and then, and then just breathe normally.
Starting point is 00:31:58 Oh, that's cool. I know. That's probably super illegal here, huh? Yeah, there's got some gunk on motorcycle oil in it. Is that a spring release? or is it just like gravity? Spring. Oh, yeah. Isn't that nice?
Starting point is 00:32:12 Don't get caught with this. I know. We're going camping though. Joel Kowski's dad. My first name brought that for me out. Not a fall Kowski. Not a fall Kowski, yeah. He is a Native American horse.
Starting point is 00:32:24 Joel, what us that. It's me, Joe Stan. It's me, Joe Stan. Yeah, this thing's cool. Isn't that neat? That's cool. It's heavy. So, and you can combine these two.
Starting point is 00:32:39 That's the thing that's great about Fum is there's a lot of accessories here like the knife, the official fume knife. Look at that. You want to look like the f***ing the coolest motherfucker on the train. The way your hand is. Yeah. Yeah, just that's the intent. Coming up to you and saying you're under arrest and you're like, for what? I'm not smoking. Send me to jail for what? What? Being the toughest guy on the train. I don't know about that.
Starting point is 00:33:16 Potent. No. I don't know about that. I'm human, boss. I ain't got time to go to jail. Anyways. Now, okay. So instead of electronics, fume is completely natural. Instead of vapor, fume uses flavored air.
Starting point is 00:33:34 And instead of harmful chemicals, fume uses all natural, delicious flavors. You get it. Instead of bad fume is good, it's a habit and you're free to enjoy it and it makes replacing your bad habit easy. You're so good at reading it in the MPR voice in the podcast. You know I used to do VO for commercials. Really? Yeah. I had fun doing that.
Starting point is 00:33:55 Like what? Well, I really, I never got cast in a guy co-ad and then one other that I think didn't ever err. I can't remember what it was, but I used to go audition all the time. Wow. It was way more fun than doing the go audition all the time. Wow. It was way more fun than doing the on camera auditions. Yeah. But real quick, yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:08 So, and it's got this thing too, this fidget spinner kind of action on it. That's a lot of fun. Airflow dial, the same function. It makes it so that the choke on there. Anyways, yeah, I like this thing. Now that Jordan showed me how to actually use it, and I'm not trying to pull it into my mouth,
Starting point is 00:34:27 and then fucking do the thing. It's okay. So stopping something is something, stopping is something we all put off because it's hard, but switching the food is easy and enjoyable and even fun. Food has served over 100,000 customers and has thousands of success stories,
Starting point is 00:34:43 and there's no reason that can't be you. Tri-fume in accelerating humanities break up from destructive habits by picking up the journey pack today. That's what you see here. There's condoms, different types of free condoms that you get at Pride. No, these are the flavor packs. They got the little tubes in there that go in this thing.
Starting point is 00:35:05 And then it just, yeah, it adds like some kind of oil or something that the air passes through. So you're not breathing in it, it's just the air. And then I guess, because you know how your nose and your tongue are the same thing, it's that principle. It is how it works. Head to That's, and use code T-A-F-S to save 10% off when you get the journey pack today, that's, and use code T-A-F-S to save an additional 10% off your
Starting point is 00:35:38 order today. And we are back. Now, let's get into these little fuckers. Okay. Little fuckers they could. Did you look the up stuff? No, I guess I could. I seemed to have lost. I looked it up and they found two. I found a lost my damn phone here.
Starting point is 00:35:57 One of the aliens is pregnant. Not his was. Oh, they found eggs inside of it. Eggs? Yeah. They found. Not it was. Oh, they found eggs inside of it. Eggs. Yeah. They found. They found the fetus inside the alien. Isn't it weird that chickens' periods
Starting point is 00:36:12 is just an egg? Crazy. Yeah. What, hold on. They'll sit on them to try and make them babies, but it's just them. I'm actually in. Alien.
Starting point is 00:36:24 This is nice. Yeah. I feel like the reason this story came out is just to fuck up the Google results when conservatives are looking for illegal aliens. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. They were sick of being called aliens.
Starting point is 00:36:38 I mean, this thing is, this looks like a shitty Halloween decoration. This has to be like just some retarded congressman and sorry, never mind. I bleep that Ginsburg. You can't say retard? I don't want to. Retard is based, it's like colloquial now. It's like retards are saying retard. Yeah, anyways, I don't want to...
Starting point is 00:37:07 This has got to be just a moron. This is a guy from a congressional district with nine people in it. Yeah. He's like, he's like this beloved member of the community that probably owns like a shaved ice truck. And they're like, we're sending Pablo to Congress. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:24 And then he's there. And he's like, look, I found an alien. But he talks way louder. And then everybody in Congress, in Mexican Congress is like, yeah, this is basically our majoritailer green. It's like our dumbest Congress man, you know, like this can't be. Well, and they had somebody look at it from the, like, if you look it up, it's like the alien investigations. It's like some guy with like, it's very racist to assume that Mexican Congress is taking
Starting point is 00:37:52 this seriously. You know what I mean? There's no way that it looks like they really are. It looks like they're being like, we have this thing, okay? Yeah, because it's their, their Congress is probably like our Congress and it's like, great, we don't have to work for the next hour. We just let this fucking dumbass talk about aliens. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:08 Yeah. Is he talked about it in Congress? He went in and set it up on a little table. Yeah, but... This is my little guy. They've been displayed the Mexican politicians. Oh, I'm sorry. I was under the impression that a congressional representative brought the alien in and was
Starting point is 00:38:22 like, you know, for a show in town. I say, I have a show in town. If they have a show in town there. I think they did. No, it was too small. All right. From Costco, Peru, represented, it wasn't even there, alien. It was from Peru.
Starting point is 00:38:35 Yeah, but they had them because they spoke Spanish. Yes. Yeah. You know, if I'm a spearhead by a journalist and UFO, you a phologist, a phologist. They need to make that a better word. They do. It's bad. Definitely not webmaster though.
Starting point is 00:38:51 Also, you can't combine O andologist. You know what I mean? That's like a weird branding thing. I'm an a phologist. Yeah. I would like to offer my sincerest apology. You know? I'm not trying to be an alien, a phologist.
Starting point is 00:39:08 I think what they're doing is wrong. But Jamie Mason, who testified under oath that the mummified specimens are not part of our terrestrial evolution with almost a third of their DNA remaining unknown. Okay, so they have a way to extract DNA from these things. But the DNA is unknown. Okay, so they have a way to extract DNA from these things. But the DNA is unknown. It looks like it's, well, I get, I don't know. Can't you extract DNA from a t-shirt? Can you? I think so. All right.
Starting point is 00:39:37 Couldn't you be like, what is this? And you extra, I don't know. I mean, if you, honestly, if you go to Reddit, I'm sure someone can explain why this is like the dumbest thing in the world. Ginsburg, you look like a reticue. But it's also like how are they these new? You know what I mean? Alright, anyways. There's been study by saying. Ooh. I just got a hankering for big old slice of pepperoni pizza.
Starting point is 00:40:06 I know, I've been craving pizza all the time. My pepperoni specifically, I don't know, like it's crazy. We live in New York folks. We live in New York. We're at it. We can get pizza whenever we want. And you know, occasionally I'm like, oh, I'll just get a slice of pizza. But something about a craving for pepperoni pizza in particular when you're like I need a slice of pepperoni. Yeah
Starting point is 00:40:28 That's a really good feeling you follow that feeling. Yeah, I mean I often don't get to pepperoni pizza because right now I'm dealing with two canker swords. I was laughing today about a guy walking by me and being like I was thinking about your canker swords like a guy was like hey Smile and then if I was like oh, I can't actually have two herpes, sores that are gaping and oozing. And if I smile, I'll crack them open. I don't want to do that. And that that might deter him.
Starting point is 00:40:52 Yeah. I tried that stuff. A guy followed me home and I picked up a, a hairy cold man I picked up and was like, hey, I just smeared shit in my pussy. Yeah, yeah. To get the guy away. Hello.
Starting point is 00:41:03 Oh, it's the AIDS doctor. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for calling. Yeah, they always say pussy knives doctor. I still have knives in my pussy, huh? Ah, that's a shame. When people tell stories about people, they always go like this. They're like, oh, anyway, so I went into, I was talking to Nick Mullin and I went in and I was like, hey, nobody. I told the story.
Starting point is 00:41:33 Huh? Somebody told you the story. No, this is just what everybody says. I was not talking to anyone to make that clear. It was just like, anytime somebody who does a pretend story or they're reenacting a story, they're always like, yeah, I was talking to him and I was like, hey, just notice it now. You'll see it everywhere.
Starting point is 00:41:49 And you'll be like, you didn't sing, hey, to that person before you said something every time. Hey, it's Jordan. It's not real. Well, I told you, and I don't, I mean, it's rude to out him on the show, but I don't care. But Adam sent me his, like, research notes for the last year to print out for him, to get, like, prepared. And it was very cute.
Starting point is 00:42:11 But he wrote, hey, good afternoon. Thanks for joining us into his cue cards. Oh, nice. Yeah. Nice. Thank you. Hello, everyone. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:22 Yeah, written down. Yikes. he's a baby It's I remember when I before I even did stand up like that's how I would like write material like write out a no way really Yeah, oh, oh, hey, thanks for having wow I'd write out long form piece of paper like imagining what it would be like. No, yeah, yeah, I'll memorize this And I never get oh, yeah, the memorizing thing I Like imagining what it would be like. Yeah, I'll memorize this. And then never again. Oh, yeah, the memorizing thing. What you start doing stand up, it's like, oh yeah, there's no, there's no actual writing that happens.
Starting point is 00:42:53 There's no physical act of writing. No, there's bullets that you're in your phone that are chaotic. Yeah, I've never written out anything. Yeah, it was always like, think you would just have the whole joke in your head. Like, here's a road map. And then I figured out how to say it. And then that'll exist as one word regardless of the length of the bit. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:14 You got any? Yeah, you have cues. I have one on my phone. I just open. I don't know what it means. But it just said, I love bus. I love bus. And I was like, thanks Jordan.
Starting point is 00:43:22 That's great. Sometimes I could write it out a little bit more in that. I love bus. And I just think that thanks Jordan, that's great. Sometimes I could write it out a little bit more in that. I love bus. And I just think that that's gonna open like a knowledge hole and I'll shh shh on gravel. It's surprising that more people don't try to write children's books. I think people do. Have you seen? Have you been to a children's bookstore?
Starting point is 00:43:38 It's like millions of books. No, but the children's books now are like, like, I'll kill myself. This is, I see why Donald Trump and Yolo You know, it's like what the fuck is this? It's a political content for Like somebody that still shits in their pants. Yeah, they don't need to have opinions yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah You know what I mean? That's the thing now that's what drives me crazy. Like, hey, people get mad about like, like, children's gender identities or whatever. They're like, oh, you can't let a child
Starting point is 00:44:12 make those decisions at five years old and then it's like, yeah, but that whole issue is fraught. So I'm just not gonna have an opinion on that. Let the chips fall where they may. But like, turning your fucking toddler into a resistance baby. Yeah. I mean, it's like, that's fucking, and I guess I already do that with baby shit.
Starting point is 00:44:32 Honestly, that's kind of embarrassing. There is a resistance baby. There is a two-year-old, and he like, oh, well, he loves Minnie Mouse. He loves Mickey and Minnie Mouse. It's like, you just have to ask. What about when they just pierce their ears? It's the same as a trans baby to me. What?
Starting point is 00:44:44 When they pierce their ears. Oh. as a trans baby to me. What? When they pierce their ears. Oh. Is that bad? I think it's bad. Why? You're puncturing a tiny little baby's fresh. I think circumcision is not great. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:55 Puncturing, giving, decorating your baby. You might a little tattoo it. If I had a son, I would get them circumcised. I would get them tattooed. I would get them circumcised because I feel like at this point, then that would be kind of punk rock. To circumcised. I would get them tattooed. I would get them circumcised because I feel like at this point then that would be kind of punk rock. To circumcise? I don't know. I think you leave the that's punk rock. I'm just trying to stay ahead of the curve. Yeah, I don't want to be like every other parent. I think everybody circumcises. I think it comes down every woman goes like, I think
Starting point is 00:45:22 they're not doing it anymore. Like doctors? No, I mean like parents, young parents. I think it comes down every woman goes, I think they're not doing it anymore. Like doctors? No, I mean like parents, young parents. I think it's rude to assume that a person won't be able to clean their dick skin. That seems insane. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah, well, why not just get their asshole removed?
Starting point is 00:45:37 Yeah, yeah, please. Yeah, can you just bring it to the outside? I did just get my asshole waxed for the first time in my life. Really? You know what she said? She goes, Was that on the menu at the spa?
Starting point is 00:45:48 Yeah, it's a Brazilian. I thought Brazilian meant triangle. I don't know why I think Bermuda, I don't know what I was thinking. And then she goes, time for the butt strip and I was like, please don't do this. And she was like, oh, you want to just leave that. And I was like, you're right. And then I got on my hands and he said, she was like, what are you doing?
Starting point is 00:46:04 And I was like, I'm giving you my, well, and she was like, no, and she was like pulling me and she was like, and I was like, please don't make me do this. And she was like, on your back with your knees to your ears. And I was like, this is a baby getting his diaper changed. I can't do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:17 But she did do it. It was crazy. I was really sweaty. Like it's like scary and clammy. I also thought the lights would be dim, but they were like, they were like elementary school lights. Who's gonna be like, wow, your asshole looks amazing. Okay, because all my friends were like,
Starting point is 00:46:32 you should wax, it's better. So I was like, I'll try it. And then once you wax everything, you're like, I can't just leave like a little detective mustache in the back. You're not. You're right. I'm not,. It's why.
Starting point is 00:46:45 But also when you're doing doggy, it is nice to know that it's just clear and smooth back there. I want it bleached. I think everybody starting at the age of five should get their asshole bleached annually. Anually. Anually and annually.
Starting point is 00:46:58 Yeah. Because think about it, it just bleaches all the poop that you've ever accumulated. All the stain. I was reading today about, like that's the kind of shit, it's like it was an article about like a research and not really know anything about this shit,
Starting point is 00:47:13 but that epa epa epa genomes. Epigenetics? Why, epigenetic, I, maybe there's epigenetics or like epa g, g, G some just some I don't know It's some shit on the outside of the cell that like contains some information and it's not like Basically that thruster thing was about how they had like research into like anti-aging stuff and they can take mice and they can Do fucking something and edit this part of the cell that actually reverses their aging process.
Starting point is 00:47:49 Makes them like aging reverse and they can... Benjamin button? Yeah. No way. Yeah, restore youthfulness and mice and then... But do they go back to be babies? And they can... No, you can...
Starting point is 00:47:58 They can stop it at a specific point and then they can also speed it up so they take the mice and make them age rapidly. And they're hair is gray and you're fucked up, but they can like go back and forth. And this research and then like the next step is figuring out, you know, can you do the primates and eventually humans or whatever. And then I forget how this started or why I was looking this up.
Starting point is 00:48:22 And then I started just sort of fantasizing about myself being in a mortal. Yeah. And then just being, you know, castle piano. I don't know if I'm a guy who could be. But that's the thing. I still wouldn't have a castle from the 1400s. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:48:40 It's like you fantasized about like, what if we had medicine where I could be a mortal? And then it's like, and then what? I just eat checks mix for a thousand years. Yeah, do yoga, your apartment. That's not exactly. It's like nobody, you know, and that's, it's funny because you think about like,
Starting point is 00:48:55 what if you could make your pet immortal? You could have an immortal pet and your immortal. That would, that might be. Yeah, maybe, my cat's getting old now. She's already kind of old. She's old when I met her. Yeah, yeah, and she's like starting to slow down a little bit. It makes me sad all the time.
Starting point is 00:49:10 She's the best. I go sit down by her and I'm like, are you, do you need anything? I think they'd leave to die, which I think is really cool. Like they hide and you can find them in crawl spaces. Dead. Yeah. We should do that. No, I'm sad.
Starting point is 00:49:23 Yeah, I would get that, I would get the surgery, the pill. I have no idea, I read about this stuff. They tell you all the stuff that doctors are doing. And I'm like, but hat, like what is it? Like what is a gene? Like do you mean you're editing the gene? Yes, like this, like it's birth back there? You were hooked up to a microwave
Starting point is 00:49:41 and then you put the mouse in it. Yeah. There's a beep beep. I'm literally imagining you cutting him open,. Yeah. And there's a beep beep. I'm literally imagining you cutting him open, grabbing a gene, which is a kidney bean. Taking its skin off and putting it into like a scanner and then re-changing the skin and putting it on. I have no idea like what the actual process is.
Starting point is 00:49:57 I guess it's got to be like a, it's some kind of chemical that they eat. A telescope, definitely telescopes. Petri dish, things split. Yeah, I know that. Yeah. Uh, but damn, why don't I bring that up? What was I thinking about? There was something funny that that tangent went on when I was like, ah, it's that's funny. But what were we talking about before? Gene editing. But then, but what was I saying that led you to talk about the gene editing? Oh, you know what I'm just saying? How they present those, those, you know, like articles as if,
Starting point is 00:50:32 this is right down the pipeline, but it's like, yeah, I mean, you can't get rid of wrinkles really, and it's like, fucking, there's whole industry. There's still literal, like, snake oil industries that are. What a balding, that's like a vor. It's a ferocious thing. So for is basically a guy on the back of like a horse cart. Yes. In 18th century, man, like a magical lixa that go to take it.
Starting point is 00:50:55 Do you go via talent, any back to what it was? Yeah. And it's just like women spending like $500 a month. Yeah. Bring it 14 year old. That makes it 108. It looks slightly of me. She's a hundred eight. She looks slightly less Armenian. That's what you get.
Starting point is 00:51:08 What about this thing? The lip thing is out of control. They got us, do they not know what it looks like? That it looks insane? Well, they do this thing? I have no idea. They get addicted to it, I think. Yeah, we're doing it.
Starting point is 00:51:19 I just found out all my friends are doing Botoxes, they're for me, every one of them. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. And then it makes you feel like you have to, that's the other thing with trans women is they get so much surgery that you start being like,
Starting point is 00:51:28 if you're a woman, you know, you made yourself into a woman and I'm a woman, do I have to keep up with you and get those big fat titties? You don't have to keep up with anybody. That's the best part about getting older is like, you just stop, are we the same age, you 34? 32. 32.
Starting point is 00:51:44 You just stop giving a shit. It's kinda nice. Right right there, you just like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, just wearing the most comfortable thing. It is nice. But the asshole waxing, I will say, I think you should do it. It feels great when you're in the shower and you, you know, you have to scratch your butt hairs to get them all clean.
Starting point is 00:52:01 There's not, you don't really have to do that. No, no. You never get in there with your... No, I just sit on the edge of the tub. And I kind of just like a slot card, just do laps. Oh, squeaking. Yeah. Around, squeaking around.
Starting point is 00:52:16 I just do laps around the edge of the tub. Yeah. Yeah. With your cap, I was being just like a little roller coaster. And I put on, I have a hat that looks like Thomas the tank engine on the top. I have Thomas the tank engine's body and my face inserts in the front and the rest of the train kind of hangs off the back. Oh, I got you.
Starting point is 00:52:38 The whole thing that moves with you. And then once I'm finished, then I turn the shower on and I let it clean up the tub. I don't actually touch the water. Your tub is made of soap. Yeah. Yeah, right. The water itself would be bad for my fresh coat of paint that Mr. Topham had provided to me for getting the freight deliveries, you know, their destinations on time.
Starting point is 00:52:59 Right, right, right. I see. That's good. Yeah. Well, I scratch my little buttole here. But not anymore. Yeah. Yeah. I remember like when I was a kid and I used my dad's shower. There always be hair on the soap. Oh, it's because he would shove that he would put the soap in his ass. Like just at least wash the soap.
Starting point is 00:53:25 No, and you can get it good. You can get it so it has like, if this is the soap, it has like almost like a point so you can really fuck yourself with it to really get in there. That's the move. I'm not, I used to be that person, but now I'm a Dr. Brown or scratchy.
Starting point is 00:53:39 Oh, you used Dr. Brown. Yeah, just the burn. Yeah. Really hurt. It feels bad for a while. I used that shit for a while. It's just because I like reading the book. It gave me something to do in the shower.
Starting point is 00:53:50 But then, you know, now you can bring your phone in there. So I just do that. Do you bring your phone in the shower? I have brought every phone in the shower since the iPhone 6. And... You read it while you're bathing? Yeah, just wear a shower, yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:03 Cherry? And then, I don't shower very long. And I take cold showers too. So I'm just like, those are good. Yeah, just for a shower. Yeah, and then I don't shower very long I take cold showers to so I'm just like those are good. Yeah, I'm sitting out I want them to get colder now. I've gotten used to them and it feels in a winter time It's nice when we used to pre-record come town and we would be we'd go to the Berkshires I'm all miss those days. That's for nice cabin week Yeah, we seven the Berkshers would be frigid.
Starting point is 00:54:27 And like an old cabin with like frozen pipes and just doing blow all night to like 4 a.m. Sleeping for two hours and then getting up and hitting an ice cold fucking shower. And jumping rope for an hour. You would jump rope for an hour after Coke with your little mouse heart. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:50 Oh, I think that's really what we did, the damage. All these girls were doing Coke with, not I wasn't doing it, but they were doing it. And women do this thing where they like, they lock you into a conversation. And the first day they're like, come in, come in to the bathroom, come in to the bathroom, come in to the bathroom, and you have to go in there.
Starting point is 00:55:06 And then they talk to you in a way that you can't stop them. You can't stop what they're saying, and you can never get out of the conversation. And it's like if a snake was going into your mouth coming out your ass and going back into your mouth, and you can't get the end of it forever and ever. That's how it feels. Yeah, no, I'm glad I don't.
Starting point is 00:55:23 It was meant to be fun. Well, I don't do drugs anymore. I know the feeling of the burden. It's the same. The person when you finally get sober and you think about all the time that you were having fun, and you're like, that's just so.
Starting point is 00:55:34 I'm just like sad. I feel bad for myself and my friends. Totally, the 10 am, the looking and realizing it's 10 am. Yeah, I mean, I only once or twice let it get that bad in the, because I mean, I really didn't do drugs outside of like the second year of COVID,
Starting point is 00:55:50 and that's because it was just like, it was everywhere here. The bars were still closed, and it was just, yeah, you go to, there'd be 15 people in a studio apartment. And so much, so many drugs on COVID. I had to drive my friend just near the ambulance just because he was free count.
Starting point is 00:56:07 I was like, COVID wasn't going on. We would just go to a place where loud music would play and you'd feel fine. But us just sitting here looking into our fucked up pupils is like, obviously, giving you a panic attack. I don't know why Coke was so big. I did it too during COVID. Yeah, that's when I quit.
Starting point is 00:56:20 That's just everywhere. I don't know who did that, but yeah, no, I had a year, 2021, I guess. But yeah, that's when I quit. No, it's just everywhere. I don't know who did that, but yeah, no, I had a year, 2021, I guess. But yeah, that year it got, I was not, you know, it wasn't like I was smoking crack or anything, but more than, more than twice a week, I think it was a problem. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:56:38 I was doing it, I was getting really into bowling. I was doing Coke and then I'd go bowling for hours. That's weird. Yeah, I know. And I would be so good at bowling on coke. And then the second, the second I wasn't on coke, I would suck immediately. So I was like, it was the most,
Starting point is 00:56:54 because everybody else would be drinking and parting. And I was like, I don't drink, but I do. Coke all night. And that was the thing. Yeah, well, that was my problem. That's why I couldn't drink either. I mean, I also can't, it's the same. I just have a problem with a consumption. Yeah, well that was my problem. That's why I couldn't drink either. I mean, I also can't, it's the same, I just have a problem with a consumption.
Starting point is 00:57:07 Yeah, yeah. I will do it with literally, like Annie, I'll do it with Bakers chocolate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking something is disgusting. And I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, I could just sit there
Starting point is 00:57:20 and just keep doing drugs. I get the dips between the dip bumps. I would fall into a pit of despair and need to, I'll call people and be like, we need to get as many bags here as possible because the idea of coming down to have a virus and I may, some people don't have that, I have that bad.
Starting point is 00:57:35 No, I would get to the end of the night and be like, okay, I'm done. That's amazing. I would be like, I'll have to kill myself if we go. Yeah, no, that's all depressing. But whatever, life goes on. You know, I've got my yoga now and I... And people are age, you're doing it all the time, but we're not.
Starting point is 00:57:51 Priggin? Yeah, yeah. I don't know, it's just depressing because it's like I tried to take care of myself. I've tried to take care of myself for a long time. I've had periods where like, you know, it stopped drinking and like, you know, get into exercise and clean up my diet. And I feel better. And like, I'm mentally like, you know, doing better because I have some kind of like structure.
Starting point is 00:58:11 And it's like, wow, I was just a hold on to this. This feels good. I guess the depressing thing is I think about that and knowing these like cycles. It's like, well, it's good. You know what's funny? When I first met Ian, I had a drink for 18 months or something like that.
Starting point is 00:58:25 And we met at stand up, what was the one that was in Long Island City that was like the other standing room? Oh, yeah, yeah. We met at the standing room, or maybe we met a couple, that was the first time I hung with Ian. And yeah, I was like, yeah, I don't drink.
Starting point is 00:58:42 I've been sober for X amount of time. He was like, he's like, oh yeah, that's really good. He's like, yeah, I don't drink. I've been sober for X amount of time. He was like, oh yeah, that's really good. He's like, I'm sober again recently too. And I was like, oh, like again, like you quit. He's like, yeah, and he told me I started, but really fell off the wagon at the airport and was drinking hand sanitizer and went to a club trying to buy crack.
Starting point is 00:58:58 And, but crack, not crack. Yeah, and I was like, how long were you sober? And he was like, about 18 months. And like it just shocked me because I had felt like at that time, like having 18 months, I was like, oh, I'm free. I'm like, no, I don't have to worry about this anymore. But then I was like, shocked last year. I didn't drink for nine years.
Starting point is 00:59:18 Oh, really? And then I started drinking again. And luckily it like ended before anything really bad happened. It was just, I got drunk three nights in a row and I had a two day hangover. And what was the catalyst for drinking again? Yeah, I got a lot of things. Yeah, I remember I was around for it,
Starting point is 00:59:39 but it is weird how it just works. How it's like you can just slip it back in slowly and people just adjust around you. You know what I mean? Why drinking again? Well, it just feels like if I started drinking again, it feels like every day of my life would be like, my God, Jordan, are you all right?
Starting point is 00:59:52 You know what I mean? And they would take me into a psych ward. But it's not true. Like my buddies all the time, I'm like, do you want, oh, sorry, I forgot. I'm like, wow, I could just drink again. Did you start drinking? Did you quit drinking me so early or what?
Starting point is 01:00:03 I quit drinking. I haven't drank the whole time when you were out of it and back into it. So it's been like a maybe almost two years since I got into the cellar. Because I had quit drinking and I got into the cellar and I like had a glass of wine to be like, and I didn't like it, so I just stopped forever.
Starting point is 01:00:21 Why is that was like sober for nine years, but I was doing drugs that entire time. Yes. Not frequently. Yeah. Initially, not frequently, because I was, you know, it's funny, it was Adam, because when, it mean him a lot in DC, but then we came up here,
Starting point is 01:00:35 I would hang out with him a lot more, because he was like, you know, one of my only friends. And, yeah, I was never like a Coke guy prior to that. I didn't know any Coke guys. And then Adam was always, I was never like a coke guy prior to that. I didn't know any coke guys and then Adam was always I was back She called God He would be what man what man was dry back I was get you should be calling I
Starting point is 01:00:56 You know yeah, and And then yeah, and then it would be like I remember thinking like if you did coke more than I might think of it If you did it more than once in a three month period, you had a problem. That was like my thinking. Yeah. And then it becomes more than three times a week. Yeah, right.
Starting point is 01:01:12 Yeah. I know, I remember telling my mom, I remember slipping it out and being like, I have a Coke problem. She was like, oh, really? And I was like, yeah. It was like a six year thing. You know, it's crazy.
Starting point is 01:01:23 Yeah, because it was like the only thing that I would do. I mean, six years in terms of like how long it took to build up until it was more than just, you know, once or twice a year. Also, it's like an oval teen for relationships. Like if you're dating somebody and you both are doing coke together, you just like love bond over being so fucked up. And then anytime you're not on coke,
Starting point is 01:01:40 you're like, I think I hate this person. So you used to do coke again. Yeah, that's dangerous. I've never been in one of those situations where things have been like just drug-based. Yes, I've done it once in a state, in a real. And then when I quit, he was like, we never do anything together like bowl. And I'm like, yeah, I think I hate bowl. I think I was just on drugs and didn't want to talk to anybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This isn't like damn. I wish we hadn't switched to this topic, but whatever, I got a new lease on life now.
Starting point is 01:02:06 I've been actually sober for four months. That's great. Yeah. And that is great. This shows a lot of fun. You look better and healthy and are way more present. No, thanks. Huge difference.
Starting point is 01:02:23 Yeah, the shows we're having a lot of fun with it. We had fun. I mean, Ginzie had fun this weekend shooting stuff. That's all wrapped up. Ginzburg will, I think we'll have the next episode of the Adam Friedland talk, the Adam Friedland show, the actual product out. I don't want to be over-promised.
Starting point is 01:02:44 But Ginzburg, what do you think we'll have like a rough assembly done by probably the end of the week, huh? And then just it's just cleaning up that opening. Yeah, all right. So realistically the middle of next week. And then yeah, and then we have like, we have now many how many interviews do we have just in the bag now four or five? Yeah, so we can just like now we can just focus on shooting like the the other stuff So what is this what is this this is just podcast? This is audio. This is the Adam
Starting point is 01:03:20 No, this is goes on YouTube, but this is the Adam Friedland show podcast. And then, and then the talk show will be Neil deGrasse Tyson type people. Yeah, those types of things. The talk show is, ideally what the talk show is, is there's, I mean, if we can get to the point where you we have,
Starting point is 01:03:38 I mean, we sort of like approximated it, like some kind of like little like narrative thing that weaves in and out of the talk show, but ideal I mean, I had to sum it up. It's like sort of like, you know, not Larry Sanders, but you have a like a scripted thing about a talk show That's but then there's also actually a talk show. Okay, Dracula's scripted thing about talk show and then Neil deGrasse Tyson is talk Show, but it's all one episode. It's all one episode.
Starting point is 01:04:06 Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then ideally the scripted things we get bigger and bigger and that's what's fun for us because it's like, you know, this, you know, we, even in six years of podcasting, we still don't really know what all the buttons on the recorder did. Yeah. This is like a huge, you know, and we're very lucky and spoiled almost to be in a position where we can like figure out how to Like shoot things and you know like make them come together by asking Ginsburg to help us. Yeah You know, well Ginsburg, where does your what is your background?
Starting point is 01:04:38 Swedish just kidding. I mean that your background background obviously your he's a filmmaker. I know you're a Jew Yeah, your filmmaker. I know you're a Jew. You're a filmmaker? Yeah. Nice. Yeah, he's our editor, but, you know, he can do a bunch, how you can do anything? That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:04:52 Where'd you get him? Well, honestly, probably you can thank cocaine for that. Nice. The drug use, it's like that's how, I guess, getting ingratiated into the... Full circle. Yeah, the film scene here, during this, whatever you would call it.
Starting point is 01:05:08 What are you meeting? Like, we need a guy like you. No, literally. Yeah. Because it's really, it's funny. It's like New York is such a big city. And then there are certain aspects of it, like cultural exports of it.
Starting point is 01:05:22 They get represented like, you know, I mean, like the easiest example is all the like dime square stuff, right? Like so, and you put it in. But you, you are the one who told me that's the key stuff online and it makes it seem like there's this like kind of like cohe or like cohesive like, like, like, deliberate aesthetic that's being created, you know, like this is a project. When in reality, it's like the things that are made here
Starting point is 01:05:50 and like a meteor on the internet or for culture, just have a leg up because it is New York. And that's not necessarily meaning that it's better, it's just there's more people doing like certain things that have overlap here, so they build up steam and that it's better. It's just there's more people doing like certain things that I've overlap here. So they build up steam and then it's distributed, you know, kind of like globally or through the internet or whatever.
Starting point is 01:06:12 And then externally, yeah, it looks like there's more happening than there actually is. When in reality, like whatever you do with it, I don't know about music in New York, but certainly, you know, it's like comedy. It's like, it's just a bunch of people doing something. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:06:31 That's why I wonder why they don't make something with all of that. I'm not really articulating the point I'm trying to make. I think it's cool to call things projects. Yeah. Like just me in a room with a podcast, the Jordan Jensen project, and it does give an entire aura of something. Right, like you're doing something. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:06:47 Yeah. No, I went to a fashion show last night. What? I don't know, I just got an email for this fashion show. What'd you wear? Well, you don't wear, where it is. Oh, yeah, you're sitting watching. Did people take pictures of you?
Starting point is 01:07:01 No, I wasn't in the fashion. I know. When people sitting in there like Nick Mullin. No. Oh, okay. No, I didn't, wasn't in the fashion. I know when people sitting in there like Nick Mullen. No. Oh, okay. No, I just went there and I didn't know. And I ran into Eli who's in a catchin's boyfriend. Okay.
Starting point is 01:07:14 And I don't know, I don't think they're married. He's just your boyfriend. I saw him there and I was like, oh, hey, it's nice to see if you're familiar face. I'm like, what are you doing here? He's like, I don't know, it's got an email. And then I watch this fashion show and it's like, it's like, there's like a fashion world, presumably, but then it's just people doing something. You know what I mean? I just, I feel like
Starting point is 01:07:33 it skits a frenic. No, I know what you mean. Now I know what you mean by it. Yes, like, it looks like there's an entire, yeah, when I think of Fashion Week, I'm like, oh, the world, the Epcot of Fashion is coming to New York. But that's not what it is. It's nobody pulled up on their carnival trolleys and like, everybody get out. You know, we had to pack up fashion. Well, it's the same thing. It's like, you know, of the best example is like you think about Hollywood in LA.
Starting point is 01:07:57 Yes. Hollywood means that as a kid, you're like, well, there's spotlights all the time. And there's like palm trees and limousines. And then actual Hollywood itself is like a slum. It's a slum. It's a slum, yeah. It's a slum filled with Brandon More dels. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:08:13 That's all it is. And homeless guys with no shirts on, but featherboas. Right. And then there's a big concrete five block by five block wall. Yeah. And inside that wall, there's an airplane hanger. And inside that airplane hanger's an airplane hanger. And inside that airplane hanger they make like these massive movies that like seem real and have this like big.
Starting point is 01:08:33 And in those movies it makes it they make it look like Hollywood is a big thing. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I don't know what I'm saying. Sorry, I have all of a sudden. I know what you're saying. They know what you're saying. They know what you're saying. But I know what you mean, where you meet somebody. It is the whole synchronicity thing that we've talked about before where you're like, oh yeah, this is not,
Starting point is 01:08:53 it isn't like a stumbling upon something that is like a, there isn't like an infinite amount of things. And if I see these three things, that's an insane. It's like, oh no, everything is like barely, there's barely anything out there. So you're going to see these three things because everything is exactly, that's what growing old is.
Starting point is 01:09:09 Like I was watching a movie and I was like, I've been to that place, and then it pan-passed the comedy store, and I was like, I'm literally performing there tonight, and then the guy was like, I'm from Riverdale, and I was like, my feature who's here with me is from Riverdale. And I was like, oh, that's what aging is, you just are accumulating. That's why old people want to like bird watch,
Starting point is 01:09:24 because they're just like, show me something that I haven't seen because they're just not that much. Yeah. You know what I mean? Especially in New York and LA where it looks like there's like exponential worlds. I know, yeah, I didn't get it. And it's like, I mean, Louie had that bit about,
Starting point is 01:09:39 you know, seeing somebody that's like recast in your life or whatever. Oh, that's a good bit. I forgot about that. He just texted me. I have, I have a, I have a, other thing now where I'll just stare at people in public because I'm like, I know who that is.
Starting point is 01:09:55 And I'll stare at them. And it's just somebody with like a face. I've seen. Yeah, but then if you ask their name, sometimes it's the same name. But I can't, I can't, you can't be the one's your name. I can't just stare at people, you know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:10:07 No, I saw a girl the other day and she looked so much like this girl Emily that I grew up with and then the person was like, Emily and I was like, is that just because people see that little baby face and like, that's an Emily, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know. I guess it all comes back to the aliens thing, put a bow on it. Yeah. It's like, what if we guess what aliens look like because there is just limited possibilities?
Starting point is 01:10:32 Yeah. That the universe is not actually infinite. It's infinitely small. It's actually much smaller than even a gene. Yeah, but then somebody shows me a picture of like arches Utah and I'm like, what is this place is huge? This place is unfathomable.
Starting point is 01:10:48 Utah is what a waste. Yeah. What a waste Utah. Crazy. It's like something that was beautiful stuff in the world. Same with the Vat. Same with every guy there is like, yeah, my name's Fuston Strawberry.
Starting point is 01:11:02 I'm the CEO of CoffeeX. Yeah. Coffee shop. But of CoffeeX. Yeah. Coffee shop, but we also do fair trade. Backpacks. Yeah, exactly. Just screen print, the shittiest screen printed, Heather Sunset Orange. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:11:18 Geometric, there's a geometric letters that make up his name. A vector of a bear. And then, yeah, we sell snowboards and coffee. And all the women have botanical tattoos of like, right, craft brews inspired by 2014 Instagram filters. Yeah. And they all taste like soap.
Starting point is 01:11:38 Yeah. And I have, and they have pictures of the golden ratio just like printed out and put in frames. Yeah. And that's the entire culture of Utah. Did they have Native Americans? Yeah. pictures of the golden ratio just like printed out and put in frame. And that's the entire culture of Utah. Did they have Native Americans? Yeah. They have casinos with around by Native Americans. And Navajo.
Starting point is 01:11:55 Apache. I have no idea. I don't know. Well, thanks for joining us this week folks on the Jordan Jensen show. We will be back to our regular scheduled programming next week. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, and I don't know, I guess the only thing to plug is New York comedy fest. I mean, Adam will be there. I'll be there at the stand-end headletting.
Starting point is 01:12:17 I'm plugging the half hour, if you don't watch it, it's going to be bad for you. Things are going to happen really bad for you. Half hour on my YouTube. You're a desperate crunch to release our comedy specials. So we can... Mine's only half hours, so you don't even have to commit that long to it, like some people. I'm sure it's very good. It's...
Starting point is 01:12:31 I haven't watched it. It joins a very good comedian. Thank you. Yeah. All right, thanks, guys. I should have sent it to you. I should send you half hour. Yeah, do it.
Starting point is 01:12:42 That felt good the lights went on. I'm gonna kill him. Why? You think about all that drug shit? Do you have an insatiable craving for the hottest entertainment updates, the news of the day, and thought-provoking topics everybody's talking about? With Sirius XM, it's never been easier to tune into the entertainment you love anywhere you go.
Starting point is 01:13:09 Here unbelievable moments play out live on air, plus newsmaking interviews, smart and silly comedy, and unscripted point of views, all with a list hosts, celebrities, experts, and legendary personalities you want to hear lives here. At TD Small Business Banking, we know that small business takes vision and determination. And while you can small business from the office, a home, the cab of a rig, or the departure gate of an airport, it's always easier to small business with banking advice and support built around you. That's why we're ready to help you small business even better with industry and region-specific advice.
Starting point is 01:14:16 Book your appointment at slash do you small business today. today.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.