The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 40 / The Jordan Jensen Show Podcast - Episode 3

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 40 / The Jordan Jensen Show Podcast - Episode 3 Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@adamfriedlandshowclips Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tafs Subscribe to  @TheAdamFriedlandShow  for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs Sign up to Patreon for Premium Podcast Episodes and to Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/tafs/ -- LIVE SHOWS: ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland

Uh, hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast. Okay, bad news, guys. Nick, uh, some, some, there's, he had. That's how you tell them. Okay, bad news, guys. Okay. Okay. Guys, Nick, okay, there were stitches and then dead skin was grafted to those stitches and then secured by clay.

to Nick's mouth. Today he went to the periodontist and was informed that it's going to be another six days of recovery. What's a periodontist? It's like they dig for dinosaur bones. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be awesome if he just came back and just had the hardest double-d-es. Or if he just had that jaw, if he had the big Chad jaw, and he just had just a rock-crusher? Well, he always talked about getting fucking antlers. That was like the plastic surgery he wants he wants he wants that's kind of old that's kind of cute that's kind of a little moonrise kingdom it is very it he's very west anderson yeah if you said that to him he would break you'd see it break you see the brain break yeah um so guys uh it's gonna be a girl podcast

you're gonna see two bitches talking about cock periods lesbians lesbans lesbiz lisbeth and the big bitch yeah lizbith and the bitch we have And favorite Jordan Jensen. I want to know if people like me or Mike Ercene and Ian better. You? Great. Mike, we're seeing. I got into a big old fight with Racine about Israel, Palestine.

Big old. Oh, I heard about this. Really? Why do you care? Because it's annoying because on the podcast, we will like start. Why does he care? That's the question. Why does anyone care other than Jews or Muslims?

Like if anyone's too into it nobody should care nobody should make their career of all it's a fucking tragedy no don't care about it you can't care you can't really care if you're this is like when people are like I believe in God I'm like but if you're a dix and farks joke guy and then this becomes your banner like the the flag that the tattered flag that you're waving it's like what what why it's just that's how the internet is designed for autistic people like it has to make a statement it just pulls you down these epic rabbit. It's like the second you start being like, is the world flat? The internet will make you into somebody who's like, I've never, I can't even see round things anymore. I don't care anymore. Yeah. People are pathetic. I know. Can you think about it? Okay,

I don't want to offend anyone listening to this right now and probably I will, a lot of them. Can you imagine being online and making, okay, I was about to make a great point. Sorry. Let's take that again. Can you imagine being online? I just fart. You creep? Just one of those. Is that what you're pussy? Yeah.

It sounds like a barking parent. Okay, we'll get back to that. We'll get back to that girl. Okay. You're a barking parent? Yeah, you know how when your parents's maddy? Get in here! Your mom's a lesbian, so she woofs at you.

Yeah. That's how she talks. Hey! Hey! Yeah, have you seen that movie? The kids are all right? Yeah. Oh, my.

God it's a good movie two mothers to my imagine they were both Jewish oh I have three oh you have three no Jews thank God no thank Italians which is a little Jewish Jewish Italian Greek same shit dominated by the mother is Arab no I don't think so no they're all a little racist Greeks okay but Italian and Greek are dumb you can't put them in the same category because Jewish people are I'll say this yeah Jews are closer to Italians than Irish, right? Of course.

So those are like, all my friends, not on purpose, are either Jewish or Catholic. And it's not like I'm choosing it that way. They're a couple of Muslims, but that's Jewish, let's be honest. I'm not choosing it that way, but like a proper white, like a Midwestern Protestant, are the kind of people that are like, you open a door and they say thank you, but you're like, I can see in your eyes that it's not thank you. It's not like. You're just saying it?

No. Like what's like you hate, you have darkness inside of you. So much darkness. Yeah. Perversion. Perversion. They're like this all the time as soon as they're alone. They're perverted.

Yeah. No, I thought we're perverted. Jews? Pedophiles. Jews. Well, same thing. Jews and papists. Like we have like a kind of like a papers?

You don't know anything. I forgot you were retarded. Jews and Catholics, like we're told. that we're bad people, our whole lives. We're like, you suck and you should feel terrible about it, right? And that's like the commonality there. I think that Catholics are more similar, or Jews are more similar to Italian Catholics than Irish Catholics.

Agreed. And to some extent, Italian Catholics are more similar to us than the Irish. Italian Catholics are screaming at each other all the time. They're very vocal. Yeah, there's very flamboyant. I love my mother. My mother. Yeah, me mom.

And Irish Catholics are like, could you, could somebody pass me this soul? Push it down and then cancer 35. Booze, booze, cancer. Yeah. The one part of the lazy boy that the dad's always on right there where the pinky part is is just torn to bits from him just. Yeah. Just accepting shit. Yeah.

And then push, push, push. Yeah. And then dead. Yeah. I've exclusively dated Irish Catholic people. Do they hit you? When I'm lucky when I'm lucky. Yeah, I had a Lutheran guy that he was a puncher. Not in like a sex like please slap me. No no no no no no no just in a relationship fight.

Fight one I got a black eye from one of the Irish and I got choked and tossed that was hot but it wasn't sexual I would never cross that threshold It does I this is why I will never have sex I Thank you Okay, anyway, I don't want to hit a woman. It feels terrible. I'm in love with my mother, my late mother. But you don't have the rage thing. You don't have the rage thing.

But I feel like if I were that man, my girlfriend would potentially respect me more. Yeah, you should. But it feels horrible. When they cry, you could be winning the fight and then they cry. And it's just like, you're cheating right now. Yeah. Because I'm winning and you've just, you've like, it's a cheat code. Do you go faster to yelling or crying?

I cry someone. Yeah. No, yell, I yell. At her? Yeah. I'm Italian. I'm very emotional. Okay, regardless.

What were we saying before this about the Italians and the, I was about to make... Greek, Jewish, Italian are... Before that, I was about to make a fantastic point. The point what you were going to make is Irish Catholics. No, before. The point you were going to make is that... It doesn't matter. Greek? Where do we put that in line here?

Did they stuff it down? They don't stuff it down. No. They let it out. They're loud like Italians. I went, I texted off about this. I went to the ADL, um, anti-Semitism index when I was in Greece the summer. 68% anti-Semitic. Wow. In Greece?

When I was there, I like, looked it up. First of all, like, that's not an objective source. But they're anti- everything. They're anti-anything that isn't Greek. There was a gay guy that worked at our hotel. He was the bartender. We became friends with him, me and my girlfriend. And he was like, they're

intensely homophobic. But they all go to the park and have anonymous gay sex. Yeah. They're all gay. I mean, it's the country that invented butt sex, right? Right, with all the little guys. With kids. With children.

Right. I forgot about that. But even just, their wall drawings is them fucking kids in the butt. That's their graffiti. Wall drawings. Yeah. It's a pathetic culture. Ancient graffiti. It's dicks going right into it.

It's really pathetic that they were popping like 2,000, 3,000 years ago, and they haven't done shit since then. The Egyptians are like that, too. They were, like, amazing. They built pyramids, and then what's been going on since then? There was a library fire, and then they were. That was it. Oh, the library's on fire. Okay, I guess we're going to stop trying.

You don't meet many Egyptians. Have they been watered down? Have they been diluted? You mean Egyptians? You do? I don't. They're cool. But I don't go near around.

They don't really. They're horny. They're horny. They're horny. They're horny. You're horny. You're right. You're right.

Yeah, yeah. They're chill. Same with it. Israeli, Israelites, Israel guys. They are not the same. I don't feel a kinship with them. Not at all. They're not funny.

They're not funny. They're very scary. They love real estate. Yeah, and bad real estate. Bad real estate. They'll buy a beautiful pre-war building and make it look like shit. They're horny. I just got an apartment. I was

like talking to this guy and I was like, oh yeah, I'm a comedian and he was like, who are you? And then the entire text exchange has been him showing me apartment being like, this is the bedroom, you could fucking hear. Like, but he's very, yeah, yeah. Have you ever watched that kind of porn? Real estate porn.

No, don't open my mind. to new things. I can't. My porn problem is that a control. What's your problem? Well, now I'm looking at it like an autistic person on Wikipedia. Like I'm just following whole like I'll, I'll meet a porn. Their careers. Yeah, like I'll see a porn. I used to be like that. Really? Yeah. I was like 18. I'd fall in love. I'm not falling in love. I'm like curious about it. I want to know that what I want to know what the I'd never watch the stories, but then I'll go to that woman's stories. I'll go to that woman's thing. Girls are so stupid. You get invested in the story. I don't get invested in the stories. I don't get invested in the stories. Porn's actually rough for me because I actually come too fast with it because I've been using my brain truce along so then I see it and I'm like

Oh, this is so I mean it makes sense why you get why men are So horny if that's what you've had access to forever Porn? Well girls could watch it Yeah, but we don't because it's very you know when you get when you smoke weed and watch a movie That's what it looks like for us you know when you watch a movie when you're too high and you're like I can see all the acting and it's so cringe That's what porn is to women. It's just like it's like it's like this. It's like off to that Because once you start once you just fast forward to the part where some guy is just eating a girl out You're like oh I don't even have to conjure this then

You're that's what sexy do is the eating It's just like a fast go too. You're just like working anymore when a guy eats you out when a guy eats me out? No I tried watching porn recently because I have like a girlfriend so it's a porn store and she's a porn star Yeah, and so I haven't had sex in five months You're married. I got married. Five months is a while. Five months?

Yeah, that's the longest. They're so easy for a girl, no. I know, I just have no interest. I just had the possibility the other day. It just is like, I don't want to do it. If you don't love, it's disgusting. If you don't love, it's really gross. And, you know, and you see like two homeless people fucking on the train and they're just like,

that's romantic. And you're like, that's what, that's all I want. That's all I want. That's all I'm looking for. That's all I was. But it is true. Like, everybody's doing it. Dude, I was in wherever I was, San Diego, the most disgusting city in the entire world.

Sexy city. And I had my little dog. I have a little dog now. You're not a little dog? No, not. Look. Your dog is sick, by the way. Oh.

Chihuahua? No, she's a chihuahua healer. But she was just sitting. And then I looked over and she was like looking like this. And I look over and there's a pit bull that's sitting facing us. And he's like, and he has the cropped ears. And he had a d'iwler. dad's dick like a like your dad shower dick coming out and this giant head of it and then and then as

he looked at my dog this the red tip came out of the dad dick and i was like i just and you watched them have sex no i didn't let her near him but it just was like yeah that's that's what sex is to me is just like a guy being like sex to you is having sex with a dog yeah yeah yeah yeah just maybe that's because of the irish catholic thing well for me i tried for porn recently and it just why where were you on the road why my i was on the road yeah and you got into it you're no it didn't work anymore but why'd you even open it up why not just because i was wanted to give it a shot yeah i haven't i lived my girlfriend and we just have sex i'm against can i talk about this only fans i'm against it i would like it to be removed it's sad

can i tell you i agree people in relationships are doing this they're pulling out their phone and they're seeing one girl who they subscribe to and then every day that girl posts a new photo and they are jerking off this one photo that that's cheating i think it's cheating it is it is right you agree with me but everybody's doing it and all their little a i'm not doing faces if you look at the the only fans girls it's like hot body and then this face that's like and their dead goat eyes yeah and it's a i and what about the fathers what about the dads what about the fathers yeah they they see their daughter on that crap. They're like,

they're jacking off with a solitary tear to their, to their angel. Yeah. If I caught my boyfriend jerking off to a woman getting plowed out. To his daughter.

To his daughter getting plowed out. I'm like, that's fine. That's normal. Yeah. But if I just, if I got my boyfriend just looking at a picture of a girl looking back at him,

just like in a shower, in a rock shower. Yeah. No. Like an influencer. Yeah. Like, this is what I had for dinner. And here is my pussy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little too close, yeah. It's too weird. It's voyeuristic. Yeah. Yeah, it's wrong. I don't like it. Well, the only thing I managed to make work with porn is like I remembered when I was 19.

Yeah. The greatest hits and I revisited them. Oh. And it was like, it was like a high fidelity. It was like I was going to, like I was going to revisit my ex-girlfriends. That's cool. It kind of was cool. You found the exact videos or you got found them?

There was one video from when I was, uh, from when I was, um, from when I was, It was... Tubgirl? Yeah, it was two girls, one cop. You remember tub girl? Discosting. Sorry, sorry. No, it was this one girl in a green bikini and I like spent like maybe an hour Googling and I found it.

You dug? And I was like, oh, my love. Wow. My old flame. That actually would be a cool project to put together vintage porn from the 90s and sell it as a makes take. It's a good mark. It's a good mark. I mean, two-thous.

Mid-2000s. I'm 75 years old. Get some Marcy Playground as background music. Yeah, yeah. Hey, yeah. This would be good. I'm going to make this. I love Girl Podcast. I love Girl Podcast.

So wait, so you don't want to hear about real estate porn? I mean, it's boring. It's all fake. Of course it's fair. But it's like, oh, this is the place and then they're like, and then they fuck. I'm into therapy porn right now. That's hot.

You, what? They just come in and they're like, you two are fighting so much. I'm going to, I'm going to help you be, it's stepbrothers and sister. And they... Will Farrell, John C. Riley. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Nice guys. They have them come in and then they sit there and then they're like, I'm going to help you guys fix your fight by having sex with both of you. Like there's turmoil in the household. You know what I mean? Women are... Dude, my step brother called the other day. off to problems. You're not actually jacking off to fucking.

Listen to this. You're jacking off to like, oh my God, they're having problems. I swore off sex and then my stepbrother called, who's my kryptonite, because I was groomed since I was a young child and I'm very attracted to him. And he called and he was like, he was like, I'm coming to New York and I was like, oh, okay, you can stay with me. And then I hung up and I was like, I can't. That's, I can't do that.

I'm not off sex. And then I out loud, to my friend out loud, went, well, he's family. It's fine. I would have sex with him right now if he were. I would have sex with him right now if he walked in here right now. That's probably- In the show. Yeah.

On- Probably, I would be more likely to have sex on camera than I would off camera right now. But that's what only fans is. Having sex with somebody on camera is totally fine to me. That's fine as a porn thing. It's the only fans where you subscribe and you just get a picture of a girl intimately looking into your eyes that's disturbing. That's the saddest thing. There's somebody trying to get in here.

Hello? Oh, it's a little male man. It's the male. That was cute. Ginsburg. Do we have an ad read? Oh. Speaking of Stepbrothers, today's episode is sponsored by Lucy.

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you get a little fucking you got a blast I did eight at once of the Lucy's because we're sponsored by them too it's fun you are you can sponsor you guys too yeah and what what happened you threw up too makes you know nice you throw up too makes you nauseous I mean no it it doesn't it's amazing and you put it in your lip and you enjoy the immediate nicotine flavor and release so guys you get four milligram or eight milligram of tobacco free 100% pure nicotine and delicious flavors like apple ice, one of my favorites. Espre.

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C-O and use promo code T-A-F-S and you get 20% off. Here you guys go. This is verbatim. Okay, I have to read this. Okay, I don't want to, but I have to. Here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age. Pass.

You're smug laugh at him. They're only for adults of legal age. age and every other and every order is age verified warning this product contains nicotine and nicotine is an addictive chemical thank you I would pay a lot of money to be off these things the end of disgusting really bad 36 years old I can't stop I tried I listened to Alancars quitting made easy look like shit doing I know I know it's bad do you wake up in the morning and in bed it's always in bed under the pillow

Under the pillow. It's bad. Right in my dog's face. Your dog. So you got a dog so you've given up on men and marriage. Oh, okay. It's better than cats, I suppose. I got a dog to have something on the road with me so I wouldn't hang myself. And it does work. It does help.

You take it on planes? Yeah. Oh, you're like legally blonde. Legally blind. Legally blind. Legally blind. There was a famous actor. I don't know who it is. Don't know who it is.

Maybe you can tell me who it is. Susan Boyle. Tell me who this is. I'm gonna show you a picture of this man. And boy, howdy, if you know who this guy is. It's gonna be like someone, Al Pacino. She knows nothing about movies. This is him.

No. No. He is. For what? I don't know. He plays a politician in something, but I came out of the bathroom and he was holding. Literally, she took a picture of some guy.

And she's like, that's a famous actor. Imagine you sucked his dick on that flight. You're like, I fucked an act. I sucked an actor's dick. on a plane. He's famous. I can't even imagine putting a dick, give me out. And he's like, I'm a tax accountant.

I'm on this flight right now. He was swiping through women, though, and it was bumming me out so much, because he was like 6'5, pretty hot. But the women he was looking at were just, like, these, like, young. Dog shit. Oh, like whores. Just hoars.

And it was just such a bummer. He just seemed like he had just gone through a breakup, lost his relationship with his daughter, and now was swiping it through women. So you're just washing him. You didn't ask him if he's all right. No, I didn't ask him if I could tug him, if I could tug him. If I could give him a little tug on his rig.

Yeah. On his rig. I should have. Yeah. Imagine approaching a guy and saying, can I tug your rig? Can I tug on your rig? Yeah. Listen to your partner.

I like to tug on that rig. I'll try it. If you pay me money, I'll try it. I'll go up to somebody and do it. Where? On the next plane I'm on. On the plane. Would you like me a tug on your rig?

I couldn't do it. That wouldn't happen. Imagine like Ian, I say that to him. And he's like, this is going to be great content. And he's sitting next to a guy and he's like, can I tug on your rig? He would do that. He would hold the phone up. And then the air marshal would like tackle him.

He'd go to Guantanamo. You know there is no air marshal often? It's not a real thing. It really stresses me out because I always am worried I'm going to do something crazy on an airplane. And I'd like to be. And masturbate. I vape a lot. on the plane yeah I've vapes so much I've gotten caught a couple times really yeah what

they say they said what was that smoke in the air and I said uh my inhaler and then one time it went off at the bathroom and I was like I don't know what happened and I put it in your pussy yeah no way I put it in my underwear insane I was like I don't have anything on me you put it in your ass I didn't put it in my ass I can't I don't no that's too risky so who's that actor you watched him the entire flight trying to find out yeah but one point I left the bathroom and I And I come and I walk over and I see his face and then I just pan down and he's just holding my dog and I was like Did he pull my dog out and then I was like he took your dog? Well, she was in the carrying case and I was like did you take her out? And he was like No, I didn't take your dog out your dog got out and I grabbed her and can you tug my rig?

And can you tuck my rig? You know what kind of offended me? He was looking at all these women and I was being so nice the whole time on the plane and there wasn't even like a flare. He wasn't even giving me like any flirtatious energy. And just as I had the thought of like, oh, I'm sure he's married her with somebody. He pulls out the dating app and starts swiping. And I was like, I need to. And you were like this. Yeah, yeah, dude. I was just jerking off my dog.

You're jacking off your dog. What guy would pass that up? I know. A woman jacking off a small dog. I was just going like this to my dog's body. Yeah. Yeah. I was trying to demonstrate what I was capable of.

If you had to pick one animal to have sex with. Great question That's a really good question These are kind of things I think during girl time That pit bull My dog No it's a woman Oh the pit bull that want to rape your dog

Yeah that seemed most like the man to me It looked like it did porn It looked like Aaron What's that guy's name? Berg Aaron Berg Yeah Aaron Look like Aaron Berg

And that made you want to fuck the dog But it just looked most likely able Borg tweet after our friend died. Oh my God. Oh my God. They killed Kenny. That was crazy. It was really fucked up.

That's horrific. I know. It's really crazy. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. What's what it's, it's so nasty comedy. I'm sick of like there's this ass. There's this like community in comedy.

Everything's about your mother's cunt AIDS, prolapsed, vagina, anus, rape. Keep going. It gets too gross. Is that funny? It is. It's hilarious. Is it? Yeah.

You hear your mother's cunt AIDS, prolapse vagina, and you're like, ha, ha, ha. Prolapse vagina is just nasty. Yeah, is getting me. Maybe it's just nasty. Poop? Poop is funny. Jokes are funny. Farms are funny.

But something that's just nasty does not make a joke. Fart. Farts are amazing. Farts are very. Very fun. A fart is not a joke, and that will have me laughing for longer than a joke will. But I'm talking about, like, oh, I'm going to go blue in my act, and then it becomes all, like, Asian, prolapse, pussy, vagina, incest, mothers, cunt. It's just like, what if it, it's too nasty these days.

Can't people have a little bit more respect? What is with this? Oh, oh, you know, I go there. That's the other thing. It's like, oh, I'll say anything in my act. I'll go there. And they say, gross. Because I'm the only person I can think of.

No, you talk about, you know, funny stuff. I talk a lot about, about farts, but you do it in a funny context. Sometimes it's just nasty and not funny. That's true. When? What have you seen? I'm just saying there's an aspect of comedy that is just nastiness.

Yes, there's a guy at the cellar who doesn't act. out of having sex and every time it repulses me. But it crushes. It crushes every time because it's so shocking. If it crushes, then fine, pass. Yeah. But just saying prolapsed anus, Nancy Pelosi, January 6th, gun in pussy. Like, January 6.

If I hear January 6, one more time on stage, I'll fucking call myself. It needs to go. That needs to go. If I hear this, you look like you're there January 6th. I mean, that person should immediately get deleted off the Facebook. Also, we're in New York. No one looks like they were in January 6th. It's so weird. When I started stand-up, the big thing was Nickelback.

That was a big punchline. Like 13 years ago. That's what I call Jews. That's for the anti-Semites out there. Okay. That was the big punchline. Or like, you look like you listen to Justin Bieber. Yeah.

Because he was like 12 at the time. Totally. And that was like the ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Now it's anus crack whore. Crack whore. Alleyway gun rape. Gun rape.

I know that one. Gun in the... Yeah. Shove it in your... Pull the poop out. Put it back in. Pull the poop. Eat the poop.

The poop. Yeah. Put the poop in the back in. Just relax, guys. Yeah. Have a nice... Make a... I like a good vagina joke,

Because you don't hear them that often. Women are very cagey about their vaginas. I love it. I love it when they're like, and when a female congress on stage on there, and, you know, of course, it was that time of the month. You know, I love that. I love that.

I'm like, go off queen. I don't mean more that time of the month, but wouldn't it be nice for the woman stepped on stage and they were like, I have an excessive amount of discharge right now? Yeah. I'm discharging it, an excessive amount. My pussy real nest.

Yeah, my pH is creating a crust. I got a pool guy come down. do a pH test. It's crazy. You guys have swimming pools. I don't have a swimming. No, you guys have to check the, like,

you know how, like there's a guy that comes and checks your pool. Like, there's a, there's a chemistry that you guys, you guys have to have, like, beakers and, like, a bunsen burners to make sure that your shit is good. No, you just ignore it. If you go iron skillet with it and just let it marinate, you're fine. You just got cheese coming out and stuff. No, you just, it's one of those things where at first you're like,

I don't know if this is right. I feel like I should do something about it and you're like ah by the time you ignored it creates its own ecosystem that's symbiotic and you have bugs in there Yeah things cleaning up other guys you're a little critters. Yes, it's a close loop It's a closed ecosystem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. You got to leave it alone You can't be going in there with the things and the creams and it's the same way I feel about chapsic Chapsic. Chapsic make your lip dry. You can't use it can't use chapsic can't use face lotion I don't wash my face You don't wash your face no of great skin or your pussy don't want you can't wash the pussy You can spray it.

I hose it down. I hose it down in in hotels to have the spray gun. That's probably the only way that I jerk off anymore is the spray gun hotel. You just hose yourself down. I just hose it. Kind of like during the civil rights movement when the police were doing that to protesters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of what you did.

Yeah, it's the Holocaust. See, that's a nasty thing to say. It's not the hall. Yeah, they did that. They were. Holocaust. Crap. Yeah, Holocaust.

Poop. Yeah. Holocaust Auschwitz Pussy mother Prolapse You love prolapse I think prolapse is good Prolapse is disgusting

It's great It's crazy that your pussy could fall out I met a dog with a prolapsed uterus And it was rubbing it upon us Uterus from the inside of the inside Was falling out It was crazy Oh my God

Speaking of prolapsed Anus Holocaust Ship Station guys Let's talk about how important shipping speed and costs are to you as a customer. Have you left an entire cart behind because shipping would take too long

or is too expensive? You're probably buying a hose or something. Have I left an entire cart behind? Yeah, yeah. If you were buying something like... Oh, yeah. You've done that, right? Yeah.

Because you're like, this is going to take forever. Yeah. You're like, I need a mitre saw for whatever you do. I'm really proud of you for knowing what mitersaw is. I'm a man still. Even if I'm a... It's crazy to hear you say that aloud with your life. like that what it looks like that this is this is intellectual oh I gotcha I got

I gotcha I gotcha shipping can make or break a sale as your business grows ship station could help organize how you ship your orders so you can stay competitive while you scale up and there's no when you have a business you got to scale up what is that that's an incense yeah should we light it off yeah kind of hippie style it's nice I don't have a lighter though yeah whether you're shipping a hundred packages a month Or thousands. Kind of like the merch for being Ian with Jordan podcast.

Yeah, I don't know where any of that goes. You're not getting shit. Ian's giving it to the gals on only fans. Ship station lets you automate routine shipping and easily handle returns. There's a free trial and quick setup. So it's easy to try things out before you commit to and get... What else they want? Do you have any stories that help relate to ship station and

Shipping in general? You don't ship anything. I'm not shipping anything. Does this make it easy to ship? How does it make it easy to ship? It makes it so easy because it's automated with the line of black people. It allows you to print shipping labels at the click of a button. Okay, it's effortless In it What do you say? Oh, it integrates everywhere you sell online. like Amazon, Walmart, Shopify, and more. You can manage orders, print labels, compare rates, optimize every shipment, and automate delivery notifications.

So ship station has enterprise solutions. These people don't have jobs. Dorks. These people don't have fucking jobs. The ship station, if you board the enterprise, and then you'll want to go into light speed, and that's how fast you'll get it is at the speed of life. Do you watch Next Generation?

Yeah. Amazing show. Is there sugar-free red bowl in this building? Yes. Can I have some? Yes. Thanks. Okay.

Over 130,000 companies have grown their e-commerce businesses with ShipStation, and 98% of companies that stick with ShipStation for a year become customers for life, folks. So promo code T-A-E-F-S. Today at Shipstation.com, and you will get a 60-day free trial. Shipstation.com and that's promo code T-A-F-S and thank you Ship Station for sponsoring our show and we're back with Jordan. Keep talking. Sugar-free. Keep talking into that camera so he can give it to me. I love you. There you go. Take a case. We're sponsored now. That's really good. That's really good. They don't give you money though. They just give you as much of this. Oh, they're pulling a liquid death. That's some bullshit. It's bullshit, right? They're like,

We'll give you... That's not good. We'll kill you slowly and give you cancer. Don't try that. How would you... How do you do like this? How do you do that? You say to me, you say, I'm gonna give you something,

and no calorie, no nothing. Into words, how would you describe the flavor of a Red Bull? Metallic, sweet... It's impossible. High fructose corn syrup with a lightning... That's not a... flavor though oh what is it it tastes it tastes like medicine it tastes like dime a tap do you remember dime a tap no when I was sick my mom gave me dime what's

dime a tap it tastes amazing I like couldn't wait to get sick because it tastes so good it's a liquid spoonful of sugar helps a medicine go down thing it was like a yeah some medicine for little kids wow but it's like diamond tap but more did you ever get your tonsils out remember that medicine that was good my mom's supposed to all the jello to sugar-free and I lost like 30 pounds, but I was extremely overweight. So it was actually a good move. I got my tonsils out in South Africa when I was looking out. Whoa.

Did Nick get his teeth out in South Africa? What's going on with this? Nick got all of his teeth out so he could give head better. I didn't. And I'm like, girl, you can't be that much of a slut. Okay? Like, to remove your teeth and beyond that, like, I don't want some toothless bitch Slavin on my knob.

It sounds actually pretty nice. Really? Think about it. Think about gums. Think about gums on your dick. Think about, have you ever met a declawed cat? Holy shit, is that a fun little teddy bear? Oh, so sweet.

A declawed cat. When they take the claws out of the cat and you can hold it and it can't scratch you and it's the soft. It's very fucked up. It's very mean. I don't like that. But a declawed teeth for dick sucking. Let's go. So Nick got this because he's like, my teeth are getting in the way of giving head to

anonymous guys in, like public restrooms and stuff like that. I'm like, listen, like, I support you. That's your thing. But that's what gum surgery is. I mean, this is like the, now I'm telling the fans. The euphemism is he's having a gum graft, but really what he's doing is he's installing a blowjob machine. Yeah. On his face.

Kind of Matt Rife style. I wonder who gave the first blow job. It had to be quick. That's a good question. It had to be apes. It had to be definitely a guy. It was definitely a guy to another guy. Because it was like, it's too good of an idea for a woman to come up of it.

It is, 100%. No woman would think of that. No, no, it's too advanced. Circle in a circle? That's not happening. No way. I wonder who the first guy who titty-fucked was. That guy is a retard.

Titty-fucking is so pathetic. Pathetic. It is pathetic. But you have a girl with big titty. I used to me. But what is it? No. Stav and I used to argue about titty-fucking.

for years. He likes titty-fuss. He's like, have you no imagination? He just becomes a connoisseur. Oh, is that it? Think about what she's going through right now. It's brutal, and we have to look down at your dick and look at my neck when I'm not down. She has your fat, smelly body

like sitting on her gut, right? Yeah. She's probably like, if he drops, I'm dead. I'm dead. It's over. It's over and I'm going to dive in titty-fuck. In between her breasts and she's like, this is erotic to me. It does nothing to a woman. And they're supposed to push it together?

They push them together? Yeah, because when you're laying down, the titty flop down. Right, so you have to push them together. You can push them together and be like, yum, this is great. Yeah, it's weird that men are okay with women pretending to experience pleasure. You know what I mean? I'm not anymore. You're not?

I don't even do doggy anymore. Really? That's gay sex. That's gay, doggy's gay sex. To me it is. I like that. To me it is. Although I did find out recently the gays have sex facing frontwards.

I found that I recently too. I saw a movie that had a gay sex scene in it and it was they did missionary. And I was like, I didn't know that they were so romantic. I know. I didn't know. I thought it was pure doggy all day long. I know. I got waxed and she waxed to my butthole and she was like, you need to be on your back with your knees to your chest.

That's how you found out? Yeah. And then I was like, that's not the best way to the butt hole. And she said as a gay. And she said, yes, it is. And then I asked my gay friend and they're like, yeah, that's the easiest access to the butthole is on your back. It's also romantic when you can see the person. Yeah, but then you have your feet up into little like a baby getting his way of diaper changed.

I don't think that's how babies get their diapers changed. They do. With a dick in their butt? With a dick in their ass? Have you ever had a baby? Have you ever changed a baby? Blassing. It'd be so funny if you got pregnant and then you're in the delivery room and then just a wrench flopped out of your pussy.

I would love it. the day it died. It was a wrench. I would love it so. I heard a guy on the train just now, as I was coming in, big quaff, gay-ass haircut. Elvis Presley. Yeah, he said to his son, he was like, he was almost like a steampunk guy, and he was like,

I don't want to talk to you because everything you're saying is disjointed. You just keep bringing up one subject and then changing it. And then his daughter goes, dad, he's 11. And it was the worst. It made me, I went into such a dark zone. He was like, yeah, well, I'm like, what do you want to do today? And he's like, McDonald's. come on and I was like he's your it's crazy to me when people get mad at their own kids

because it's just an extension about gay people being able to adopt no I'm I'm more mad because he seemed like a gay guy who is masquerading as a straight guy had kids regretted his life's decisions take it out on his kid being adopted you ever see a bit you ever see a gay guy I was saying about this gay you see like a little effeminate man and then you see his wife and she's a big fat hog and you're like how homophobic do you have to be to have to fuck this beast every night instead of just taking it in the ass? I take a different perspective. What is it?

That like, imagine listening to her shit about the bitch at work. Always about the bitch at work. And the only guy that's capable of actually being a good husband is just a gay man. But why is he doing that? He's going to give her

a foot rub and be like, I can't believe that bitch did that. I mean, listen, I'm not saying you should live in the closet, but I'm saying like, he is capable of more for her than a straight guy. Of course, but that doesn't, you have to be so homophobic to just take that hit.

I'm not saying he should leave in a lie. Yeah. But I'm saying functionally as a husband, he's probably better than what I could do. Another theory I have? I listen to the most boring stories in the world and I have to be like, do you really?

I hope I don't do that. Any guy does. Any guy does. And we have to be like, We have to see your boring stories about Nick's mouth surgery. That's not my stories. You talk about it. My stories are about awesome stuff.

Like what? He had triple double last night. If you look at the stats, there's three guys in the NBA over three, averaging over 30 points. Like, they're getting so good at the... Your stories are worse. You want to... Your stories are worse. You want to hear my other story?

You're getting fucked by a guy. This is... I don't interrupt sex for a bad story. This is how you're having sex with a guy. I'll tell you right now what it's like. Okay, okay. You're as a Karen. Okay, you're, okay. You're having sense with a guy and you're like,

your version of dirty talk is the best you can come up with as a fucking white bitch is, um, you're fucking me. You're fucking me. You're fucking me. You're fucking me. You're a very interesting one. You're fucking me. Oh my God, you're fucking me. Oh my God, you're fucking me. And then, and then what you say. What do you come up with? You come up with this. That's you. At least I have words coming out. Me? Yeah.

Men just go like this. I'm fucking you. You like my dick? Do you like that? Do you like that? And we can don't have the courage to say no. So we just say, you're fucking me. You're fucking me.

We just say a fact. And then you're like, are you going to ghost me? Are you going to ghost me? You're fucking me. Are you going to ghost? Are you going to ghost? Are you going to go? You're fucking me.

I don't make any noise. And I don't make eye contact, but I keep my eyes open. I'm like this. That sounds so erotic. Yes. You said like the worst fuck of all. I'm the worst.

I'm the worst. And people think I'm going to be good because I'm like, I'm like this. You're a fucking mate. I'm like this. Please. I know you're on a five months drought. Yeah. Next time.

Okay. Next time you pick up one of these hobos that you meet. Yeah. One of these homeless guys. He's a, his hands are, there's a barrel fire. He's warming his hands. You're like, oh, my. my god you're weird you want to come back and next time next time old like uh old like dirty larry

from around the corner comes up to your apartment just try the you're fucking me thing just try it out okay well just try it up i'll give a shot we say things like that you're like we don't want to lie we don't want to be like your dick is so big because you know that your dick isn't that big so we have to be like this is sex i'm having sex we're currently engaging in sex that's what it is right yeah thank you for this the honest you know what my other theory is like what is she's talking who cares yeah yeah you're fucking mate is that what my it says no oh okay no that's like a girl like a a girl that's constantly complaining to her friends about getting ghosted from hinge and then and then they're

like trying to tell you can you set her up with someone and then you're like she's the worst person I've ever met my entire life, I wouldn't curse my friends. Even my most disgusting, pathetic friends, I wouldn't curse with her. Yeah. Those are the you're fucking me girls. Are you going to gossiping? The faggags. Yeah, it's typically just an nasty unfuckable. I think the best thing I ever heard is my friend was getting fucked in July by a guy and he said, I want to fuck you every Christmas. That's funny. Yeah. Every Christmas. What's the best I've heard? I don't when people talk out loud to me it I get cringed out I break I break the fourth wall You know you break the fourth wall yeah I

I you're like a Kool-aid man out of it I leave the building you break the fourth wall yeah You're like this is actually a TV show I'm like this is actually just too insecure people having sex You don't need to put on any sort of airs with me you can just you know Pretend that I'm whoever you need me I just say if you break up with me I'm gonna kill myself Yeah, that's a girl thing that's a girl thing that's a girl thing that's a girl thing that's a girl thing that's a girl thing that's a girl thing Has anyone, you know who the pinnacle of all girls is? Yeah.

The girl who went to jail for convincing her boyfriend to kill himself. Do you remember that there was that court case where it was, she was like on trial because like she was constantly texting him like, did you do it? Wasn't her thing that she was going to do it too and they were going to meet heaven? Because if that's the case, that's fine. She's like you're in so much pain, you got to do it. Because she just love girls, because she just loved. drama too much. I think she went to jail for it. Good. Did you dad? Did you do that? Did you do that? Did you that's what she was saying to him? Did you do it yet? That's the critical of all girls

Did you die and then he doesn't say anything bad because he died and she's like did you ghost me? Are you ghosting me? I can't did you dad? Did you guys crazy? Is that really what happened and he did kill himself? I think you did he did she say she was going to kill herself too? No, no, no. Really? You should kill yourself because you're in so much pain. Did you do that? Oh, cause then she would get victim. I do, this is kind of a girl thing. I do, I was like talking with my girlfriend the other day. Like, she was like, if I got a terrible car accident and I had to be in a wheelchair,

this is, this makes me feel like a bad person, but I am a bad person. She said, if I was like, had to be in a wheelchair, like, would you stay with me? And I was like, everyone would think I'm the best. I'm the best guy in the world. That's not a bad person. And she's beautiful and she's in a wheelchair. And I love her so much and I'm pushing her around. They'd be like, he is a saint.

It would really turn things around for me. My best friend got paralyzed and I said, I'll take care of you and I became her nurse, but I made somebody else come in to wipe her butt. I refused to wipe her butt. And with that, Jordan, you have therapy, you have to go, 415, love you. Oh, wow, perfect timing.

It's been girls chat. Thank you for listening, guys. Fucked. Guys, I'm in Boston and fucking Detroit in March. What about you? Whatever. Oh, I'll plug. Let me plug. Plug. Take it. I am going... What?

Oh, put my mic on. I am going to be in Sunnyvale, California, that I'm doing to be an in tour, in Nashville, Chicago, and Rosemont, and then I'm in Arlington, Virginia, Austin, Texas, Sacramento, Sacramento, Boston, Appleton, Wisconsin. Great, great, great. Bye.

See you. Bye. Bye. Love you. Is that good? That's awesome. Okay. That's the most fun I've had doing this.