The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Jordan Jensen - Episode 44

Episode Date: March 8, 2024

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 44 w/ Jordan Jensen Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@adamfriedlandshowclips Subscribe to  @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs LIVE SHOWS: NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows Mar 21 — Mar 23: Raleigh, NC @ Goodnights Comedy Club Apr 11 — Apr 13: Portland, OR @ Helium Comedy Club Apr 18 — Apr 20: Tampa, FL @ Side Splitters May 16 — May 18: Philadelphia, PA @ Helium Comedy Club ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour Mar 8 - Mar 9: Boston, MA @ Laugh Boston Mar 15 - Mar 16: Detroit, MI @ The Detroit House of Comedy #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland #jordanjensen

Good afternoon. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is the Adam Friedland Show podcast. Adam is out. He is away at, I think, either Detroit or Boston. If you're in Detroit or Boston, check the listings at your local theater and see if Adam is there. And then also check out Dan Soder's special on the road. I invited him to come back because we had he wanted to come on last week to promote but the timing worked out he could only be on the Patreon episode at patreon.com. If you happen to be coming here because you saw Dan Soder special and you're like wow I wonder if this guy's done anything else he has. the only other thing

He's done in fact is last week's premium episode of the Adam Friedland show podcast which you can go to patreon.com It's $25 a month Nothing basically that's less than that's like a it's less than car insurance and you can get a single episode of a podcast So please check that out. And then if it's the reverse, go see Dan, go check it on the road, Dan Soder special on YouTube. I think it's blown up, that's what I hear. Is it? I don't know.

It's so good. I have to be kept off the internet now. But with a handler? Yeah, basically. I'm like, it's like the internet is another cat that they've moved into the apartment. So now I have my own room, I got my own litter box, and I can smell it. I know it's out there and it's pissing me off Yeah, but I can't see it and I don't you know you stay off it you have somebody who does all of it

Yeah, Tyler manages kind of everything for me. What happens if you go in there? I deleted Twitter. It's just it's like It's such a fucking waste of time. It's not even like it's it's like I think especially as I get older it's like I have every time I see you you say especially as I get older and every time I see you you've moved into a further stage of grandpa that you have on now the beard. Well I'm wearing these pants these were just in the office I'm wearing these because I got too fat for the pants that are probably on the floor. Are you getting fat? Because you have...

I just, I mean I'm always sort of kind of... I stay within the same 10 pound window, but it's like I get fat in a way that my pants just don't fit. But it's like it takes like the weight moves from my shoulders to just like my zipper area. I wasn't talking about the furry pants. I was talking about the sun hat in a dark dark room. That's what I was referring to. What was raining yesterday?

I don't know if it was gonna rain again today. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, a rain hat. So, and I'm trying to get the stopwatch going here so we know how long this episode goes. So yeah, Jordan Jensen joining us. And I guess we'll get the, this is like the regular podcast or any plugs you want to get out of the way. I'm gonna be in... We'll do them again at the end too.

Okay I'm gonna be in Sacramento coming up, Boston. That's a shit hole. No. Sacramento? Sacramento is. Yes. But the punchline is I like it. Oh I've never been to that club. But you know those you've done the Portland one, the. Punchline Portland? What's the one you did where you got, where you got the, is it the helium? The one with the big backdrop painted behind you? Where is that?

That's helium. That is helium? Mm-hmm. Well, this is the punchline. I've done it before. I do remember liking it. It's Caitlin Plouffeau, shotter special there. Actually, you guys should all go check that out. It's called Dirty Bird. It's Caitlyn Plouffeau Shatter special there. Actually, you guys should all go check that out.

It's called Dirty Bird. She's very funny. Check out, there are so many comedy specials now. That's what I mean when I gotta stay off Laura. I have a plug. I'm about to drop something called the Death Chunk. And it's just 15 minutes of material all about my dad's death wanting to kill myself.

It's just death. It's all death. It's not jokes I'm putting in the new hour that's coming out next year. It's all just stuff that's morbid. So if you're into that kind of shit, look out for that. Subscribe to my YouTube for Death Chunk.

Okay, awesome. Yeah, there's so many. YouTube is all stand up comedy now. You know, it's funny and I'll plug this and it's gonna sound like I'm making fun of this lady and I am but I'm also I'm not it's like a genuine the only goal of the comedian is to be funny you know. Of course. And I will say she accomplishes that but there when I was an Austin comedian when I was 1920-21 Seth Cockfield put me under her,

but she's a Louisiana comic, the occasion queen of comedy, Caroline Picard. And I used to just get high and laugh, because she started stand-up when she was 40, and so her stand-up was all just like, shitting on young people. But like, there was one video I would watch. I would go to her Facebook page and I would watch it.

Facebook page? Yeah, at the time. That's awesome. At the time, yeah, and I would just get high and laugh because the premise of the joke was like, she was also very foul mouthed. So it was like, you know, she'd be like, talking about I got an iPhone.

I'd like to see you use rotary dial. You fucking dumb bitch. It's just fucking. Fuck you, try to use a rotary dial phone. You fucking piece of shit. Rotary dial you fucking dumb bitch Fuck you try to use a rotary dial phone you fucking piece of your fingers can't even move in a circle no more Can I you probably wouldn't even know what to do you fucking moron and it was just like this angry rant Try using a chisel try using a chisel and a pickaxe. I dare you Yeah, just like it came across like nobody, like there was no art, like nobody was condescending towards you, you just got angry at the iPhone

and now you're mad at children. Yeah, that's like pre-crowd work rage without crowd work. And then she's doing well in the video, but like, yeah, like Cockville, but Bill, I was like, well, there's a lady and he would shit on her. And then I don't know, the other night I was like, I wonder if she's still alive?

Because like, you know, she was, and then she's blown up, dude. No way. Her shit, yeah, because she was like a cruise comedian, but like, you know, there used to be like, you know, there was just that ecosystem. Like comedy's so big now, but yeah, her fucking, like she gets a lot of engagement on social media.

Our Carrie was a cruise ship comedian. Now he's the biggest comic in the world. But I was watching it and I like legitimately, I mean it is funny. It's just like she's a 75 year old woman that's like, I mean she's talking about like. White or black? I don't know. She's Cajun so it's like worse both. Worse.

Worse. Whatever, like just whatever, there's like I'm not gonna say white and then black but pick one. White, black, worse. Whatever, like just, whatever, there's like, I don't know, I'm not gonna say white and then black, but pick one, you like more. Black, worse. Whatever, worse. One and two, I got no input on what's, but three is Cajun. Three is Cajun.

If you had to rank the races. Yeah, so she's the third one. But yeah, I mean, it's like a 73 year old woman. It's like, I fucking, I gotta spray WD-40 in my pussy these days, you know, yeah I like that. Yeah, I'm close to that. Yeah, but I don't know I mean yeah, it always made me chuckle But I was looking for that rotary dial phone bit because it's like that is such antiquated technology even like fucking

Ten years ago or whenever I'd watch that video like who who are these audience members that are like, yeah. Thomas Edison's telephone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like when people get mad. Nathan McIntosh flips out at the audience for the existence of AI. And I like watching that because nobody's fighting him on it. Everybody is losing his mind, it's the best.

He's super funny. Oh, he is funny, yeah. I love meltdowns. I love a good just freaking. But he's always kind of meltdown. That's just like, that's always the best. He's super funny. Oh he is funny yeah. I love meltdowns I love a good just. But he's always kind of meltdown. Yeah. That's like that's always where he goes. You see you would go into Carolines and you would like hear like. And that's what that's the world we're living in that's what it is. Okay fine by me. No problem. And then you go in the showroom and there's no one in the audience. He's on stage. He's just like, it's just Wednesday. It's just one child just getting hit with the wind.

Yeah, just some fucking, just some kid with a learning disability waiting for the YouTuber that's headlining that night. I'm here to see the guy, I'm here to see upbeat Mike. Have you ever opened for a YouTuber? I've opened for you. I am a YouTuber. You're not. Well, no, that's what I say. It's crazy. I go do stand up now and

I remember I tell these young guys when I'm giving unsolicited advice in the green room, I've turned into like a freak. I can't imagine what it's like to be with me in a green room. If you're like a 23 year old comic and then this like weird rat man comes in. And they're like, yeah, he has a podcast called Come Shit or something. And then I go bomb. You do well and then I bomb after you. And then I'm like, is there a good place to get rice around here?

Whatever and say I'm high on cratum. You just have to deal with that. And then you go to the bar and we're like the local con is hanging out with or like how's that? And you're like, I don't know, it's bad. I think like- I don't know, he kept demanding bamboo seaweed.

I feel like I should be able to me to him for what's happening, but it doesn't translate. I can't be like, yeah, he was just, he kept retying his shoes. Is that sexual assault? I don't know what, it just feels bad at being around them. But anyways, you know, I feel like that. It's like, when I was, I remember being a young comic

and there would be, you know, and they'd be like nice guys but you'd be working with headliners who were just like LA guys that got on it. They were actors mostly and they got on a sitcom or something, you know, and they'd be, and they'd be like, okay, I want a headline also. And because they were on a sitcom, they'd go headline, and they're like, okay, I want a headline also. And because they're on a sitcom, they go headline, and then they wouldn't have an act.

I mean, it would just be dog shit. And then, you know, you'd like thumb your nose at it. You're like, yeah, fucking bits and doing sets and grinding and being a comedian. And then, and then- Do you have meltdowns after you bomb or do you just walk off? No, I don't hear, yeah.

No. You just walk off? No, well I do the, I'll go, I just go, no matter what happens, I'll go outside and be like, yeah, if you wanna come say hi, and there's always like, there's, I'll probably dry up eventually, but there's always like, you know, guys that like the podcast,

that have been waiting for years to just repeat things from the podcast to me. Yeah. And then I'll just, I'll be like, hey, how's it going? What do they look like? I get some, I get Mullen fans. Yeah, across, it's kind of, you can't tell. Mullen fans are like small, small Jewish, Jewish, smart,

but then they have like a little sinister thing. B&E and people are like, gourd coming out, and they're like, you made me feel like I'm a person. And I'm like, I don't think you should feel that way. Yeah, well, the answer to your question, no matter what, I mean, I really, it's like, I could just go do the, just say hi to people, because there's no pressure. It's like the easiest thing in the world.

And then people come up to me, they're like, I bet you hate this. I'm like, no, this is the best part. Well, you were the one who changed me because I never did meet and greets. And you, who you could hit with a brick in the face and you'd be like, it's fine. You were like, I do meet and greets and you who you could hit with a brick in the face and you'd be like fine. You were like I do meet and greets and I was like no way that you have all people do them so then I started doing them and it is the best part. It rules. It's like is the

reason to do it. You don't have to do anything. It's like the easiest thing in the world. That's what I would do. It's like saying hi to people at a wedding. It's great. Yeah. It's great. It's not like saying hi to people at a wedding. It's like when the wedding leaves at the end it's like good game, good game, good game, good game. It's like wedding. It's great. Yeah. It's great. It's not like saying hi to people at the wedding. When the wedding leaves at the end, it's like, good game, good game, good game, good game.

It's like that. It's quick and dirty. Well, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Do you have a person that keeps them going? No, I don't do that. Sometimes a club will do that. You need to keep them going.

Don't you have people walk up to you and they go like this? This is my least favorite thing. Dude, this just happened. I was in Columbus. And I hadn't been on the road in a while. So I was talking to people after the show and the last show. Now I'm imagining you at a wedding

with just the rice being thrown directly. The last show, like, I went on. Like there was one night where, cause I didn't pay attention to time, but I was talking, like the line took an hour and 45 minutes after the show. Till I get through everybody. Oh yeah, you texted 45 minutes after the show. Yeah till I get through everybody Oh, yeah, you texted me about that. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't think about it And then I'm like Jesus Christ and then I guess cuz it's annoying for the wait staff

The wait staff doesn't want to have to fucking wait around for that and like I think other times they can cut you loose, but And I don't even know I mean I feel anyways, you know you pull part of your pay for the wait stuff So you distribute it and then it's You do that right you just say yeah Anyways, you pull part of your pay for the wait stuff, so you distribute it, and then it's... You do that, right? You just say take out this one. Yeah, I don't wanna get it, I don't wanna be like, and then I pay them X amount, but the fucking, so there's a total,

like there's a per fucking wait, like hey, pull X for each, like wait, every wait staff that worked this weekend pull X amount of money for each one. The manager misunderstood me and thought the per waiter amount was the total amount to distribute. So like $5? So everyone got a tip of like a dollar from me.

And then he went around. Oh. I'm assuming that, yeah, he went around and he's like, hey, this is from, I mean, it's like I'm grandpa's number and then afterwards it's like I like Like it looked like one of them was like just shooting daggers at me I'm like what did like what's I guess it's because I thought because the line like took too long and Then I realized afterwards when I got the settlement. I'm like, oh Just like a quarter was distributed to everybody a little topic in my name. Yeah, right

That's I have I have people come up and they go like this quarter was distributed to everybody. Yeah, a little top of this. In my name, yeah. Right, yeah. That's so, I have people come up and they go like this. They think they're being cool because they're like, I don't want a photo. And then they just stand and they're like, just stand there in front of you. And you're like, this is way worse. We need something to do here. And they're like, I just want to say hi. And I'm like, I don't, I can't.

And then they just stare for a while and you have no way of getting out of it because you can't be like well most people are normal okay I mean you know you don't I mean Ian people are are they are bottom they are basement dwellers they do not come above ground except for to go to a part of us sometimes people are like very drunk and yeah you know I was simply for that because I've been drunk you know so like I get it but it is like Yeah, I'm I am grateful every time there's a come-town fan in the B&E and fans I'm talking to somebody really drunk. I'm always thinking about like how can I talk to you tomorrow morning?

You know, yeah thinking about like you're gonna wake up. You're gonna be humiliated. I do that What can I say now so that tomorrow you're like, oh, wasn't that bad? Especially with women, women come up and they're like, you're right, and I have a Down syndrome baby, and it's totally fine that you make fun of him, and I just want you to know, I love him, I wish I didn't have him. And you're like, don't do this.

Don't say, that did happen. How is the podcast? Are you discussing things? I'm not. Okay, all right. It's going great. I don't know a way to. I don't know how to do any of that,

but we'll see what happens. I mean, people are gonna know. People are gonna know. Ian was sold to HBO. To HBO for a huge. For $10 million. Yeah. And I didn't wanna sell out to a big corporation, so I was like, I'm gonna...

Unfortunately, Ian's already spent all of the money on gay sex. Yeah, it's gone. And so I can't make the show. Well here's the thing. I'm still deciding whether or not, I'll decide later if we get this, Pete. I understand. Like, it's so funny, because it's like podcasting. Podcasting is ruined everything.

You know, it's humiliating. It's exciting when the money's going up and then whoops, you're 30, you're middle age. And now you're dressed like a Lego man. Yeah. Yeah. And you just, you're an idiot. You're a public fucking idiot that says the wrong thing over and over again. I don't think it's the wrong thing. I think it's the all of a sudden you-

The windling income and there's no- You have to just repeat the same life every week, especially on the road. That's the problem. I feel like, you know, and maybe I'm projecting because I don't watch any other podcast, but like it's like, I would assume a lot of people complain about it.

And then when they end, it's like people are like, what's the behind the scenes drama? It's like, well, I'm, everyone's been telling you for years how much they don't want to do it anymore. They finally stopped doing the thing that they don't want to do. I, you know, it just seems pretty straightforward. So I don't know, understand the necessity of like formalizing. Also there it there can always be drama, but the whole reason people leave a play, it may be if you fuck somebody's wife or

something, but like the reason why people leave is just because they're ready to leave. The drama is like always ongoing and being squashed. It's crazy to be like, I'm leaving because of this one. It's like, it's because the idea of returning to that studio one more time makes me want to take a sewing needle right to my jugular, you know? But don't you have this? I get tired of anything.

I get tired of everything. That's just, I move, I need to switch apartments. I need to switch, I mean, I just am like that. I will, and I get really attached to one thing. Like I'll wear a sweater, like a sweater, and I just will be like, I like this. And then I buy 16 of them in every color. And then I wear that for a year.

I finally resisted the urge to do matching. Like I'll go, sometimes I'll be like, I gotta buy a shirt, I'm like, should I buy the same pair, the accompanying pair of pants pair of pants. I only go to the exporting goods. Oh Gotcha, and I was a big for me to buy green pants and a white shirt And I did that like two weekends ago instead of a white shirt and white pants or green top green bottom I bought the I don't know how your brain works. I never walk into a store and see two matching things I resisted the urge to do that and wait where are you getting matching pants?

The exporting goods like like sweatpants like literally I mean it you know I have the top to this tracksuit in the back yeah but yes matching hoodie and sweat pants do you wear that you wear that on stage I did yeah but I did white top, green bottom, and I'm like, good for me. And then somebody told me I look like Peter Griffin. And then I was like, all right, well, maybe I should have matched then. I didn't know you were full matching sweatsuit. I mean, they're the same cuts. Like, what goes with green?

Well, probably green. Probably the same green made from the same factory out of the same piece of cloth. Yeah, right. How do that? Why not? That's what I do. I just get the exact same amount. So that's how it is.

I am with everything. I can't do the same thing over and over. I feel like I'm going to, I feel like I'm, I feel like I just feel sick all the time. So I'd prefer to be comfortable. Why are we sick all the time? You're the only person I know who gets sick like me. Yeah, but it's the respiratory stuff went away. I think since I got my fucking, which the surgery failed,

but they did have to do a bunch of cleaning and stuff, and my gum's not bleeding anymore. And so. What is that from? What, gum recession? Yeah. I think I've already discussed this on the show multiple times. So I don't want to bore the people who

started my new way of staying. How's it doing now? What's that? How's it doing now? What's that? How's it doing now? It's fucked up, it's still receded. It's where it was. Okay. But it was inflamed and bleeding,

and I probably could have just gotten it, like they're gonna have to repeat the, they're gonna do the surgery again in like two months. And what, activate it, activate the particles? No like it'll be slightly different because they did the graft but it didn't get any root coverage and then most of the donor tissue died. Just slap a Zin on it. What? Just put a little Zin down there. Yeah I really don't I really don't know what what to do because I was already brushing and flossing and it would still get in fact.

I'm convinced that the flossing is a myth. I mean flossing is good but how much they want you to do it? Crazy. I think you do need to do it because like do you ever like just floss? If you don't floss regularly you'll floss and stuff will come out of there and you'll be like oh that's from breakfast. No, it's from six months ago. Yeah but twice a day is just slamming them up. I think you're

only supposed to do once a day. Okay. And you're supposed to floss gently you shouldn't like fuck your gums up. A lot of people their gum recession is caused by brushing too hard. I'm about to get invisible I mean I haven't talked like this. That might cause gum recession. They're they're giving it to me because of gum recession because this is sunken in. So I look like a white trash. Go see a periodontist and not an orthodontist. What's a periodontist? A periodontist is a gum doctor.

The dentist does the teeth. The periodontist does the gums. The orthodontist changes the shape of your teeth. Imagine being a gum doctor. Imagine going to school for just the gums. Well, it's the other way. You start like the dentist go to school for just the gums. Well, it's the other way. You start like the dentists go to schools for just the teeth. And then if you go to additional school,

you can do the gums and the teeth. And they're specialized and they get a lot of money. Yeah, I think you make a little bit more money. Yeah, because they do a lot of surgeries and stuff. That's crazy. The anesthesiologist is the one that's the best. The guy who just comes in and drives into the hospital in a race car.

A mad hatter. I was an anesthesiologist, I wore a top hat. Like the big kind of goofy. But what they do is they wear full Patagonia. Two year doctor's appointment with a watch and they're like, what's up? And then they leave and they take all your money. Yeah, it's because they need a guy to be responsible

if things get fucked up. I don't think he's responsible. I think he's drunk a lot of the times. The anesthesiologist? Yeah, he looks like a finance kid. Wasn't that an episode of House? A drunk anesthesiologist? Anesthesiologists, they figured it out. It was like, oh, is the anesthesiologist that killed him? That was probably a pretty lazy episode of House.

Yeah. Or what am I thinking of? Monk. Remember Monk? Yeah. That was a good one. And he was like, he was like mentally, like he was like... OCD. Yeah, a problem. Yeah. Why don't you keep looking at that? Do you have news, Terry? We do. We have, we have today's episode is sponsored by You pack a lip of Lucy.

It's a tobacco-free nicotine product. And this one is, now we had it, we had they make gum, they make the pouches, and then they make a thing called breakers, which is a pouch that it has an additional little like thing in that you can bite, and it releases a secondary flavor. So similar to, I don't know if it doesn't say

that you can't say camel crush, but that's sort of the same idea. It crushes in your gum. No, no, you just bite the patch packet. I'm gonna get into dipping. Aria, we should get into Lucy, because there's no tobacco, which means that it doesn't, can I say this get into dipping. Are ya? We should get into Lucy, because there's no tobacco, which means that it doesn't,

can I say this, cause cancer. I don't see that, yeah. It'll be while your face is falling off. You're gonna be while your gum is sliding off your face, like take Lucy. Well, it's not from this shit. I don't, you know. Let me see this.

Yeah. It's good, you can try it. It's difficult to open because it looks like, here let me show you. I see, I see, I see. No, no, that's where you put the spent ones. It took me like 20 minutes to figure out how to open this thing.

We had a lot more, we had the gum. When we do the reeds, usually I just have the gum. The gum I like, that's fine. I don't like putting something in my lip. Even though it is just nicotine, it does still feel like naughty. You know what I mean? You're not vaping anymore?

Nope. Here's my question. No, I quit in October. How'd you do that? I just stopped. I mean, that's the thing with any kind of like, there's no trick to quitting any substance. You just do it and then it sucks for the rest of your life.

You know, it'll suck maybe a little bit less, but you never- Do you feel better? No. You don't? No, I don't feel better being sober. I don't feel as bad as I did when I was hungover. But I mean, you know, I don't know.

I mean, I'm just like- What about the vegan thing? What about it? Did you give it up? Yeah, a while ago. How do you, which felt better, vegan or not vegan? I cannot tell the difference. Really?

Yeah, I have no, I don't, I don't think I'm real. I don't think I'm fucking, I think I'm like, there's like a simulation happening somewhere. The matching sweatpants, I didn't think that until the matching sweatpants. Yeah. Also the one time that I didn't think that until the matching sweatpants. Also the one time that I was telling you about something synchronistic that happened

and you were like, that just hits me like a wave like nine times a day. What do you mean? Like I was telling you about some weird synchronicity that was happening out there and you were like, yeah, that's just my life 100% of the time and I was like, oh, maybe you are in a simulation.

Okay, so Lucy is intelligent nicotine and there's a way to do this. Let me try, let me try. Yeah, so this is intelligent nicotine and I There's a way to do this. Let me try let me try. Yeah, so this part on the top That's where you put the spent ones which is good which probably one of the grossest things and this is a piece of hot gossip Exclusive to this Lucy ad read Years and years ago when Kurt and charade had that show on serious I would go hang out with them and I wound up at a bar with them and Ann Coulter. And Ann Coulter puts her chewed up gum back in the package and folds the tinfoil.

Okay, I have to tell you something. Yeah. I do that. Okay, well you're a fucking freak. Where are we supposed to put it? There's still the tinfoil in there. Can you wrap it on the street anywhere? I'm not gonna throw it on the street or it'll get stuck on somebody's shoe.

I'm gonna put it back in the thing. Yeah, okay. I'm not gonna throw it in the street or get stuck on somebody's shoe. I'm gonna put it back in the thing. Yeah, okay. I do that. I'm imagining that she's saving it for later. I don't think any of it is. That's crazy. Ann Coulter is not like, oh, but somebody's shoe. Anyways, fuck Mexicans.

You know what I mean? It's like, she's not like... She's not saving it like a Jew. She's not doing that. She's not squirreling it away. I think, first of all, I didn't say like a Jew. Sorry, I did. So let's not turn it into an anti- squirreling it away. I think, first of all, I didn't say like a joke. Sorry, sorry. I did. So let's not turn it into an anti-Semitic thing that I'm implying.

But she's not saving money, you know. Just accusing somebody of anti-Semitism for making a comment on anyone being cheap. That's pretty, whoa, easy there, Mr. Holocaust. My dad used to like this with his gum, roll it up into a ball with his hands and it would get covered in dirt and then he'd put it right on the dashboard. Who would do that? My father. Oh really?

Yeah. He would just roll up the gum like that. It was everywhere, little balls everywhere, cigarette butts and little balls of gum. That's insane. It's insane. Disgusting. Yeah. I like to keep them just right on the anus, tip of the anus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they kind of, it plugs in there and they sort of kind of look the same. Chewed up gum and a... Yeah. So anyways, they got the breakers, which are nicotine pouches with a tiny capsule inside. The capsule contains a liquid flavor that saturates the pouch before it's even in use. You break it with your teeth, get it situated and boom instant nicotine release whenever you need it. So it doesn't, I guess it, yeah, it's not only is it does it change the flavor a little

bit or make it more intense the breakers but it gives you the nicotine bump rate when you need it. So Lucy is made for your nicotine routine and delivered straight through your door. It's 100% pure nicotine, always tobacco free. I said they've got pouches, breakers, or gum. You can get it through two milligrams and 12 milligrams. I recommend starting at the bottom, because when they- 12?

Well, when they sent it to us, I was like, yeah, give us the fucking 12, let's try it. You know? You had to take the sticky off. Yeah, that's nuts. 12 is, you gotta be, you gotta be, I think if you're taking 12 milligrams you're like an offshore like a. Is it eight milligrams?

Yeah. I can't do that, I'm gonna throw up. Yeah, so that's what I mean. Start with the two, work your way out. We'll see how it happens. Four to eight is more likely to satisfy you if you have an everyday nicotine routine. 12 might be for you if you've been underwhelmed

by the effects of other nicotine pouches. And what that means is, yeah, you're in a white supremacist prison gang. And you need to be awake probably 22 hours a day, you know, because you rob trucks or something. I don't know who 12 milligrams is for. But they have it. That's an option available for you. If you're a normal person, four to two milligrams, probably. Two to six. Let's say that. Save yourself the weekly gas station stop and sign up for a monthly subscription. And say 15% off, no commitment. You can cancel any time.

And I love that. I love that everything's a subscription now. That's great. There's a heartbeat in my gum where it's happening. Yeah, well that's probably just from the pressure. That means your body loves. It feels like it's a cattle burning inside of my mouth. Your body's like, oh wow, this is good. It's really.

The heartbeat. I have eight milligrams of crazy. Look, the heartbeat is, that's like the, that's power, you know, that's a good thing. That's love. Considerations slash ideas slash prompts. What is your favorite Lucy flavor? Apple.

Yeah, Apple. Apple's a good one. I already said what strength I prefer, the normal people ones, you know, two to six. Not to discriminate against anybody that might need $12 million. Not to discriminate anybody on loads of meth currently. Yeah, right. When do you throw in your Lucy?

It helps with... Going to the mall. Yeah, creative stuff when you're trying to pick out an outfit and you don't want to match. Find your car. Yeah. Midday slump at the golf course, post coffee. Now, midday slump, that is certainly something I can relate to. I'm good in between the hours of 4 a.m. and 9 a.m. I got a dog so I've been napping. Yeah. I'm all about the nap now. Why do you

need a dog? Oh, get a dog to sleep on you. You're napping. Napping's hard to do. Yeah. You have all the coffee? I nap all the time. Really? Yeah. You look like you're napping sometimes when you're awake. Well, it's funny. A lot of people, their perception of this podcast is that it's like, and what's actually happened is, I asked repeatedly, can we just do the podcast at 9 a.m.? Can we get it out of the way at 9 a.m.?

There's a bunch of other shit to do. We can get it done at 9 a.m. And it is impossible to get Adam to adhere to that schedule for more than a week. It doesn't happen. It just won't happen. Oh, so then you're sleepy. This gets recorded in the afternoon every time.

And I just, I'm not an afternoon guy. I'm not. I've never been. Did you record come town in the mornings? No, late at night or? Late at night you probably have a resurgence. Oh yeah, cause it's like doing stand up. We would do it at night.

Night is the best. I, yeah, the, I can't, the, this time, the problem with this time is I'll come in here and it'll be three daylight outside and when I leave it'll be dark. Brute. Especially early on too, cause I, you know, I saw a job. So you do it like, yeah, after work or something.

It was fun, you know, hang out with friends after work. You're 26. Yeah. You're making money for the first time Yeah, you know now you're old Now you're old now you're fucking old and then a loser 3 p.m. You need a nap You're a loser and you barely you made some money But you would have the same amount if you had just had a regular job for the last 15 years Yeah, you probably have a family also. Yeah, maybe a family. Yeah

Instead of the HIV virus. And whatever your neighbor's name is. Yeah, so here's some of our favorite customer reviews. The best nicotine pouches I've found, they feel and taste great. I couldn't be happier with my monthly subscription. There's another one. They're delicious and discreet. These pouches give me all day focus.

So thankful for Lucy for providing us a clean nicotine alternative. There's another one. The berry citrus is juicy as heck. Ugh, I hate that. So much flavor being tossed around. It's like an orgasm in my mouth. So each one of these gets progressively more... Juicy as heck. Sexual. Yeah. Thank you Lucy. You're so juicy. Juicy as heck but then also say orgasm. Juicy as heck like a fucking pussy that I'm slamming my dick into.

Yeah, right. It's super juicy if you know what I mean. It makes me feel like I'm nutting inside of a woman's vagina. Call the action. Here we go. So let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to lucy.co and the M is missing. Why? Because the melanoma is missing because you can't get cancer from, I think, I don't know. Lucy.co. Slash T-A-F-S and use promo code T-A-F-S

to get 20% off your first order. Lucy offers free shipping and has a 30-day refund policy if you change your mind. That's Lucy.co and use code T-A-F-S to get 20% off and always free shipping. You must read the below exactly as written. Okay. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and even in every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. But yeah, I don't know. I like them. I've used them around the office when there's maybe some little bit of work to do, some emails to send off, begging the bank for money to try and support your wife. Okay, and we're back. We're back. We're back. Are you bouncing cameras back there? Yes. It's a big weekend. Yeah. Kung Fu Panda 4. No, it's five. It's gotta be five.

Is it four? Yeah, it's Kung Fu Panda 4. We're getting home. Jack Black, friend of the show. Is he? Sort of, I guess, kinda. You listen to it? He follows Adam. Wow! And then we DM'd him and I don't think he, Adam, he may have responded to Adam. Nobody talks to me.

They can't. Why? Because you're locked in a kitty cat room. Now, now, now I am. Well. But they don't know that. You don't know? Is Kayla tell it, what's her name?

Uh, Kyla. Kyla, is she telling you what's up? Do you think there's gonna be more variations on the name? Like. Kayla, Kyla, Kyra, Kyra? You got like, what they've done with Caitlyn in the last 20 years. It's crazy.

Some of them like the fucking like, like the wagon wheel families. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like the Nicholas Sparks cover wagon wheel family. What they've done with Caitlyn. Yeah, totally. K-H-E-I-G-H-T-L-Y-O-U-N-N.

Well, what about Ashley? K-H-E-I-G-H-T-L-Y-O-U-N-N. Well, what about Ashley? I was thinking about how Siri is very racist because when Ismail would call me, Ismail would be like, if a girl named Ashley with like 12 Gs would call her, it'd be like, Ashley's calling and Ismail would be like, ee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e you but it could say Ashley with three G's in it. What the fuck are you talking about? Siri? Who? Who's Ishmael?

You know it. Whoa. Who's Ishmael? Ishmael? Officially the state of Israel. The country in Elton. No it's not. Like if it calls, like if it's like, if my friend Ishmael calls.

At least you unlock your iPhone first. Christ. If you, shut up. You dumb slut. If Ishmael calls, it's like, it can't say his name. It's like, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is calling, but if- Siri does?

Yeah, it can't pronounce it. But if a woman named Ashley with 3G's and an H and a Y calls, it's like, Ashley is calling. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I guess I haven't had any kind of chance to test that out, because I don't know how much

a weird fucked up. And I also don't have Siri announcing phone calls. Yeah, I do. Adam is the only one that calls me. He calls me six or seven times a day. Yeah. And if I don't answer, he'll just start texting me question marks. Oh yeah, how about the question mark on the thing that says.

Maybe 10% of the time does he actually have information that needs to be relayed? He'll call him Ian. 10 is high. Ian? Wow. What? Ian does? The information that I actually need to get from Ian.

What Ian does is he likes to do a debrief before I have to leave. So he'll do a full debrief and then he'll be like, alright, I'm getting a new burn. He'll be like, alright, just a recap one more time. I don't know if you've ever felt that level of suffocation We gotta get those two we gotta get those two to team up that would be at it would be in Adam would tranquilize Ian immediately What do you mean? He I mean when he was here without you was ripping the chair apart He was I did not see any of that, but yes, it was a babysitter type feeling It was it was been here multiple times when I haven't been here

And I've requested that he doesn't smoke in our studio does he? He does he insists on smoking cigarettes in here. It's a substitute teacher went out of it's not like a smell thing It's like we've got a bunch of expensive equipment. Yeah, it's also like a fire hat I don't only use smoking cigarettes in here and he's decided that he can yeah, yeah, and then then I've asked Adam. He's like, I tried to get him to stop but he won't listen to me. It is. It is. When you're not here it is like a substitute teacher. It is like they're rolling in the TV for the kids to watch a movie and then you just start. Land before time. Land before time. We should just start airing the land before time instead of doing the podcast. I think so. How often Are you doing this every week?

Twice a week. No. Still. Twice a week? Yeah. Where does the other one go? On patreon.com slash T-A-F-S. $5 a month. I thought it was $25 a month.

$25 a month for the low price of $25 a month. $25 a month. For the low price of $25 a month. I'm just, I'm still hoping. Like, you know what would be great? Yeah, what do you want? One subscriber. One subscriber. Just a rich, like a pig, a cartoon pig wearing a top hat. Yeah.

Who pays us $250,000 a month. What's the highest you have? What? What's the highest you have? What's the highest you have? Is it donation? Yeah. I don't fucking know. I've been checked in forever. I don't know. So why don't you shut it all down? This can't last. Why do you want it to keep? Why is it still going? Because I need the money. Okay. This can't like, this can't be, it can't, it can't hit 10 years. All you have to do is say racist stuff and then it'll go up. You just have to do that. That's the whole trick.

I don't want it. It's not about it going up. But you can skyrocket it up, say the n-word. You'll get all the Patreon money you want. It's fine. You know what? I'm very lucky. I got a nice life.

I'm happy about it. I feel grateful. We got Kung Fu Panda 4 in the pipeline coming out tomorrow. Is your cat still alive? Yes. That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I say that you have a girlfriend? Sure, yeah. Did she name the cat yet? No woman can live with an unnamed cat. The cat, like, you know, I don't know if you've spent a lot of time around that cat, but her personality doesn't warrant one name, I feel. Okay. You know, other cats, I have no problem you give them a name, but she's just, she's kind

of just so nebulous in her. Yeah. And yeah, she's like a little rat. Like she's ratty and like sneaky, but also dumb. And it's like, you know, it's like her personality. So you have a million names for it. You're not just calling her cat. No, yeah, right.

Yeah. All right, that's good. The cat, yeah, there's just, mostly I look at the cat and I go, who do you think you are? Yeah. Who, just, who the who do you think you are? Yeah. Who just who the hell do you think you are? What a crazy life if you if you did the the John Malkovich's body tube and woke up in

your Nick Mullins cat. Wow. But the reality is the cat doesn't think anything. It's sitting there and it's just there's nothing. It's just drooling. Yeah. Oh, you have a drooling cat where you pet an intro.

Well she doesn't have any teeth. Really? Yeah, she's never had any. When I first got the cat, I took it to the vet and they were moved. Is that fruit? What? That's disgusting.

Sorry. No. I'm just trying to get your numbers up here. Is that so you can fuck your cat's face? I hate this business. Yeah, I know dude. I know, it's really fucked up. I realized the other day when Joe List had Sam Harris

on his podcast and I was like, I can't do this. I can't be in this basement. I can't have the slide whistles. I flipped out. I had a nervous breakdown. Somebody yelled in the audience, Mary Ian, and I flipped out, I had a nervous breakdown. Somebody yelled in the audience, Mary Ian and I flipped out at them. Oh no, he goes, she is.

Oh my god, dude, can you imagine how fucking awful that would be? Do you know how often I get that? Can you imagine how fucking awful of a life that would be? For both him and I. For both him and I. For fucking, I would be, even if I had forgotten about you, 20 years or not, let's say I fucking, I get lucky, right?

Somehow, $20 million windfall, and then I just walk away. No one ever hears from me again. I'm living in Woodstock. I got a house, I got a home gym, I got a little studio, maybe I'm into painting, I don't know, my projects, I take care of animals, I got nothing. I have no public involvement whatsoever, and I'm 55 years old.

And then I'm like, oh right. Oh God, they just lived again and they fucking, they have to podcast. They wake up in the same bed. That's all people want. Dude, oh yeah. They yell that out at me. I might literally throw up at the idea.

Do you know, I ran into a woman today and said, where do you and Ian live? And I was like, don't do this. And she was like, like what and I was like, you know, don't do Mary Ian. That's so disgust That's worse than than implying. I fuck my cat's mouth. I think so I I mean, I know that's why I had a nervous breakdown I was like I can't do not because but because I was getting people yelling stuff out like that or yelling stuff out like I don't even want to think about you and Ian like holding hands Yeah, you know what I mean? I know yeah

That I'm glad that you feel that way because a lot of people are like come on No, shut up. They that's such a distorted view of the world because you and Ian are people that are brought together by Economic necessity. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's like it? It's a commentary on just how badly this experiment of how we've structured society has fucked up. Now there's two people that can barely pay their rent in a city that's just this bloated nightmare by having mental illness at each other, right? And then you see that and you're like together forever Love yeah, you know, that's the human emotion love. I

Think it's just that there's turmoil and people have turmoil in there. They hate their spouse, so they see me and Ian screaming at each other and they're like, see you honey, that is love. They're on the TV. I think that's what it is. No, yeah, no, it needs to be. I think the Indians figured it out. It was arranged. Yeah.

Dude, it is arranged. I talked to an Indian lady about this and she was like, it's the best. I just have to spend my life figuring out How to love my husband as opposed to a million figuring out how to love a million other people which makes sense Just one guy you're like all right. Let's make it work. Yeah, I mean I went on a date recently with a guy first of all the autism is out of control out there out of control on the dating apps They're all autistic. I don't, cause that's the thing is like, and I don't think I've ever,

maybe I've joked about it once or twice, but like, there's people that'll seriously treat me like I'm autistic. And I'm like, I'm not autistic. You do it like, yeah. I'm not even, yeah, it's just, I mean. You talk like that, with the breath, huh? No, I'm just like, I'm just not particularly charismatic.

I'm not autistic. I'm just, maybe I'm a little bit rude, but there's nothing autistic about me. And now it's become a thing where people were ironically leaning into being autistic. To now I feel like everyone just thinks they actually have autism. But that's the problem.

And girls do it now too. Cause now real autistic people are coming out into the world because you know hot guys are like I'm autistic and they're like me too and then those guys are being like I'm a person and they're getting on the dating apps and then you have to go out with them and they're actually like autistic you know picking their nose and eating. Yeah. But Adam does that and he's not. That's insane. He picks his nose and eats it and then but he's not I wouldn't say he's autistic. No he's not. That's insane. He picks his nose and eats it, and then but he's not, I wouldn't say he's autistic.

No, he's not autistic. He probably has better social skills than most comedians. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. He has non-comic friends. That's good. Yeah.

You're not autistic, you're just, your brain is moving too fast so that when somebody's talking to you, you just have to check out because there's a thousand things. No, I'm just a rude person. No way, I've said things and you have a rebuttal for it before I've even finished the sentence.

The gears are going very, very quickly. I'm just yes anding. I don't think I'm rebutting. No, no. Dude, I'm just imagining you and Ian as the- Don't. As the, like in Beal juice when they see themselves dead in the wedding.

In the wedding. In the wedding. In the wedding. In the fucking. In the, oh yeah. Yeah, that's what it is. Together forever. Oh my God, yeah. That's how it feels. I mean.

It's as revolting as the idea of like, like imagine letting the dishes just sit. Imagine you made your own like French onion soup and then fucking like let the pot soak. And then left the sponge in the sink soaking that up and then put the sponge in your mouth and like sucked all of the dish water out. That's the same that viscerally.

My sister made me drink a cup of dish drained gunk after watching the dishes. I drank it. I was a fat fuck. She was like, it's chocolate milk. Look, drink it. Yeah. It was really bad. The smell of sponge I think might be my least favorite. I think that besides that and Subway, I think not like Subway the sandwich place. I think those are the two worst smells in the world. Sponge, Subway. I thought I just recently telling somebody a story about being in a movie theater one time that I in the world. Sponge, Subway. I was just recently telling somebody a story about being in a movie theater one time that I guess was right next to a Subway sandwich place. And so you could smell Subway the entire.

What does that smell? Sweet meat? I don't know, yeast maybe? It's not yeast. They don't use yeast. That's packing material. No, they have to, I think the bread comes like, and it needs to be proof really

Yeah, it looks like a turd you ever see they got trays of it in the back They're like look it's fresh and it's like I've been done. I then I don't want fresh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Give me old It's bad. Yeah, but there's something about it. There's a six. It's like a 99 cent city smell It's like plastic being burnt slightly. It's bad. Yeah. But yeah, that is, I agree. And that's not to say I love Ian, I love Ian, but us being together makes me, it makes me feel so alienated from everybody on the planet that one person would be like you guys

should get married. You know what I mean? It's such a poor read too on like what a dynamic is. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like a... It's just man, woman. Gay, gay, gay. Yeah, You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like a... It's just man, woman.

Gay, gay, gay. That's it. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Yeah, right. Today's episode is also brought to you by My Bookie. Our good friends at My Bookie have been doing business with them for years.

Thank you, My Bookie, for your continued support of the Adam Friedland show. Can this just be on PBS? Can I just get money from PBS and they can have a PBS show and I don't have to deal with it. It could just be, that's what I want. And then it's just, we'll dim the lights a little bit more,

I'll talk quieter. I'll still say all the stuff, but I'll talk quieter. How much money do you need? You don't need that much money. How much money do I need? There's an exact number and I can tell you after. Really? To know that I won't end up like that my the people I care about it taking care of and I am too and yeah I have it yeah. An exact number? Yes. They're trying to get to and then you'll go to Woodstuff. I'm ten years away from it. Wow.

You gotta do something. I'm 10 years away from it. Wow. You gotta do something. I know. How do you expedite that? I don't know. But I think everybody can feel it. There's a moment right now, this is a do or die year for everybody, not just me.

Yeah. If you were at home, if you work at Taco Bell. JFL went under? Yes. Which good. And you know why it went under? Why? Because they fucking blew all the money

like catering to the Quebecois. How? Because every fucking year at JFL they have to blow all these resources on, like because all these French fucking idiots are like, where is the ma'am? We need to have a ma'am show. Have you ever seen any of that?

The what? Their local shows that they have to fucking put on, they have to like, they have to cater to the. But what's a mom? Mime. Oh, where is the mime? Yeah. Yeah, like the giant parties and stuff.

The local, the French Canadians have such like a dog shit idea of entertainment. And then they put on. Do you think they think they're really French? Like French French? They do, yeah. I mean, they're, it's like their own culture. But like, if you look at the shows they put on I mean it literally is it's like a half-naked clown walking on a tightrope

Oh, wow, it's bullshit. It's garbage J.F.L. Does that yes? They have to do that stuff and my theory is I don't know anything about the financials, but they blew too much money on on that on the mimes. Yeah on mimes. On catering to their version of Cajun people. I don't know what they did. I don't know how you could lose money. I mean, you have, I don't know, there's literally a festival that like some retort runs. Well, they're certainly not paying the comedians. I mean, that's not.

That's what I mean. They don't pay them. I got bed bugs the one year I was there. It's like, it's dog shit. And also it's like, everybody will do it because they want the credit. So then where is the money going? I, yeah, that was the year I did it was probably,

I think the worst year ever. So you can't fire Jeff Singer and then immediately go out of business. That's so fucked up. It is fucked up. You can't be like, this guy's a rapist, racist, or whatever the fuck he was. And then just immediately plummet that sucks

Yeah, he was holding it. He was holding the whole What's he doing now no idea I always thought he's a nice guy it's a shame he raped all those people I know what happened exactly No, I did he do that. I thought he said the n-word. Oh, okay Yeah, but he did call me when I got into JFL and did this he was like, hey I just want you to know, we're gonna keep our eye on you, we think you're really good, and we're gonna keep our eye on you.

And I was like, oh fuck. And he was like, because you're coming to JFL. And I almost was like, I don't wanna do this. He's like the American Idol commercial break? Yeah, it was crazy. Yes, yeah. It almost made me up. You know what's funny?

You know who loves doing that? Yeah. Is like, loser guys that turn, like they're in their late 50s, and then they start thinking they can trick people into assuming they were in the military. They don't even have the confidence to like steal valor. They'll just like wear a hat for a ship.

You know the guys, or they'll use the NATO alphabet. Like they'll just use the NATO alphabet and then hope that you're like, oh, this guy was a... Where have you seen this? What? Where have you seen this? Seen these guys?

Yeah. I used to be exposed to them all the time. Really? Yeah. I knew one when I worked at a car dealership, but they love doing, and they do it in restaurants. I'm gonna be honest, even if I see somebody with military time. I'm upset

I don't believe you yet. No, so this guy they're old guys that are have always been losers and then like they're old enough that no one can tell They're like, oh, I can just make people assume that I used to be an athlete or I was in the name They have no idea that I was a guy that like collected bugs, you know until he was like 40, you know So they'll like you'll grow a mustache or something. They're like, they'll read a Tom Clancy book. They'll carry the Tom Clancy book around. And then you're like, does that man know how to read? And it's upside down. What about the stolen valor of the Southern guys, the mullets and the boots? Well, let me tell you, these guys, so these guys, what they'll do is they'll go to a restaurant and then they'll do like, they'll like tell the waiter, they're like, I would like to see the manager, please.

And then the manager, then they'll be like, oh fuck, I'm in trouble, and the manager will come out and be like, I want you to know that this young man gave me the best service that I've had. And they like, they wanted, they loved doing that kind of, you know, they were real, yeah. They love the surprise. Actually, amazing job.

Wow, you're right, I do know what you're talking about. And because they think they just wanna surprise somebody. And there's something so sweet about it that like, because they wouldn't get enough attention just leaving a nice tip and they probably also don't have the resources to do it. If they're like, if I make this guy think that I'm mad, but then actually that he's the best,

then that'll be. What is that? Hey, boy, get the fuck out of here. What is this? Now that's a damn nice truck, boy. It's like that. I don't know. It's people that have like,

they learned emotions from, yeah, American Idol basically. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what causes it. It's just a desire to have some kind of importance. But sometimes you think like I- But not in a sinister way, you know?

It's not, a guy came up to me in Lowe's today and was like- By the way, sorry. My bookie, Mybookie.ag, this episode brought to you by MyBookie.ag. And we've got a big weekend coming up because it's UFC 299, not UFC 300, that would be a little bit more exciting. But it's UFC 299, it's O'Malley versus Vera II. So I don't know what happened to Vera I, but oh, Mali versus we got an Irish versus Vera.

What is that a woman's name? I guess it's his wife that he brings up. Is it two like this? Or is it like Netanyatu? It's Vera two. Netanyatu or? You know, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, not what his name is.

It's not like, not the name you're trying to think of. Yeah, so. Who am I thinking? Nasiratu? What is the name? Nussratu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's Vera and then the number two. I'm assuming it's a rematch of O'Malley versus Vera. With UFC 299 pay-per-view on tap this weekend,

it's time to put your money where your mouth is. So it's time to put your money on some guy's cock. It's not the name your money on some guy's cock. I just don't. You're about to put my book in. It's not not the name that you're thinking about. It's not something else. It's not an incorrect thing. Anyway, sign up now for a host of boosted bets and exclusive money bag props that let you grab

A-tier fighters and incredible odds. UFC 299 is the perfect opportunity to cash in on your fight knowledge and my book. You know you asked me like, have I felt better since quitting the vegan thing? And I think I was having a lot of trouble speaking. I think I did get give myself like a vitamin B deficiency. Oh. And now that's gone. I'm not like tripping over. I was like worried about it. I thought I had like a neurological problem. I'd be like, you were yeahh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. Yeah, you seemed more sleepy,

but I'm trying to chill on me. I'm definitely sleepier, but I think that's just being 35. Also too, I was doing better, and then I got the gum surgery, and then I gave myself a week to just be in recovery. Yeah. And then I found out I failed like 10 days after

and then I was just sat in bed crying, I was depressed about it. And then I just like, I haven't been moving. So if I'm like, sleepier in the last month, it's just a inertia from like sort of checking out. Are you going to Equinox? No, no. I do not have an Equinox memory.

I have a lifetime membership, which by the way, it's funny, I feel like have an equinox memory. I have a lifetime membership, which by the way, it's funny I feel like I've I've run into more More often in public saunas have people be like hey, I'm sorry you did that from the come-town podcast And I'm just sitting there in a than anywhere else. Yeah more in saunas, and I'm like well. Yes. I am actually Wow It's nice that feels like that's the perfect place for it because there's something like ancient about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the old kind of public forum

was just being in a bathhouse. And your dick and balls are just out and you're like, mm-hmm. Yeah. You know what's funny? I got a lifetime. Wow. And lifetime fitness, 90% of the time. Because I go all over.

I'm a world traveler. Yeah. So I go all over and over and I'll go I like the lifetime and whatever town I'm in and 90% of the time The sauna is just in the gender respective Locker room, you know it's in the water but sometimes sometimes it's in the public in the pool area They'll have lap swimming and it'll be in the pool area And I get ready to go to the sauna and so I take all my clothes off and I put the towel on and then I'll like follow in the pool area. They'll have lap swimming and it'll be in the pool area. And I get ready to go to the sauna and so I take all my clothes off and I put the towel on and then I'll follow the signs for the sauna.

And then some of the time you're just nude wearing a very, like a towel. Yeah, the tiny towel. And then you're like, okay, well, I guess I'm just walking through and then I'm out in the public sauna and it's like families wearing dress like this sitting in the sauna. And then I'm like in the public sauna and it's like families wearing dress like this sitting in the sauna and then I'm like, hey, how's it going?

They have like the big leaves that they're slapping each other with. I wish, that'd be cool. Who does that, Filipinos? The bathhouses. So my bookie and with the Bantam Wait Strap on the line and Saturday night's main event, you can stream and bet on it right from the sports book giving you the advantage until the final bell rings

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so I don't even know why. I don't even understand what the fuck the point of promo code is. It's for tracking. I've tried using our promo code on a million things. Nothing happens. It never happens. You know what's nice?

I finally like, because I still get emails, I finally hit a number of Instagram followers, which is not a lot. It's only like 175,000. Where does it get offered free shit all the time? Yeah, I just said yes to a load of peanut butter. I got offered a free trip to Costa Rica. Okay. Like a whole fucking weekend. Like I got peanut butter. Yeah, it's actually a pretty good deal. I mean, I mean, I probably shouldn't even like, but they're like, come to Costa Rica, it's for like an animal shelter.

And do what? They're like, just, they're like, you have to like, post content that's like positive about the animal shelter. And it's like, did you kill a bunch of animals? Like, why do you need this? Why you? Yeah, why me? And then also like, why, like, what is an animal shelter?

Like, they're like, we gotta be famous. I famous I guess they need donations and then but I have no idea I think they just have some person that's reaching out to a bunch of people I guess I got they could have just asked me for money I probably would have given it to them but now I'm like these don't give me money away you have no money what you have no money that's deductible oh you got to max out those charitable contributions. See the big problem is I don't really understand. My thinking is always how do we get the deductions up and my reportable income down?

So I'm spending basically. I write off every tattoo, every sweater, every sock. You probably don't want to say that publicly. Really? Yeah. You probably don't want to say that on publicly really yeah Absolutely, there's I guarantee you there is not a single circumstance in which tattoos are a deductible expense they show on stage Yeah, even they like them even then even like the wardrobe stuff it would have to be it's like yeah It's like that I think the wardrobe has to be if I didn't go on stage I would wear nothing I would wear what you're wearing

I know but you would have to be like it has it would have to be like you you're playing a woman Like a woman called white sweater. I'm playing. I have to be in public which I would never be without yeah I would just I look this is all based on shit somebody told like a comic told me in a green room and when I was 20 This is all based on shit somebody told, like a comic told me in a green room when I was 20, where there like no gym memberships, no clothes, no haircuts, no groceries. Those are like the four ways. I don't write off groceries, Uber rides entirely.

Uber rides for sure, but you're always doing, you know, like I mean, I gotta take an Uber here, this is work. So, I don't have to. In fact, these days I take the train more than anything. I like the train. I've gotten back into the train. Yeah, me too. Yeah, it's nice. I was doing only ubers. It got crazy. I think for a minute what ubers the train I think that was why we all mellowed out. It was getting a little annoying like there. Just be some guy just like

Nick like on your face. You know, come on I've never been bothered by the people on the train the train is annoying because the schedules get fucked up and you don't like sometimes I get I've In the last ten years I've had multiple periods of and back before I made money when I was done with the train when I'm like I'm not taking the train anymore. I just fucking walk. Yeah I remember I would go to stand up New York to do like whatever like Kurtz podcast or something And I would just walk from Chinatown. I'd be like, okay, the podcast is at seven, so I should probably leave by 345. That's the best.

And then yeah, I would just walk 100 blocks. Yeah, I used to get from Brooklyn into the city to spots. Because, yeah, I got fucked over. Like the first time, I was like, when I was brand new to the city, I got like a check spot at Stand Up New York. And I was like, oh, that's important.

That's like a good club. And I left like two hours early and I sat waiting at the Delancean Essex. I mean, and it turns into Panemonium because the train doesn't show up and then there's no information. And then people are like, should I keep waiting? And then you end up waiting.

You wait 30 minutes, 30 minutes pretty much to cut off. And then you'll go to another station and it ended up taking three and a half hours to get there. Yeah. From Chinatown. And then I missed the spot because of the fucking trains. But that still happens. Sometimes the train will just like,

the train will just really fuck you in the ass. Well, I think now it's just, I mean, eventually you just get to a point where you're just the late person. But when I first moved here, I think I was late for every single job I ever had because of the train and it just is 100% and now you just go to the train 15 minutes early. It's also crazy too when you move here and you're like a young comic and you go do like mics

and then you go home and how long the train takes at like 2 a.m. From the creek in the cave, from all the way up? From the creek in the cave to like bed style? It's, yeah, that's the exact. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would take forever. So fucked up.

Yeah, I mean, I would mostly just hang out at the, that's why I stopped taking the train back then. I would just go to Chinatown. I think we have to wrap this up because I drank too much water and I'm about to piss myself. Okay. But, catch Jordan this weekend in Boston and Laugh Boston.

I watched your special was with my mother and we were losing our minds in my bed giggling like school girls. My mom. That's cool. She's very mean. Shout out mom. She watches it and she's like, this is gay.

She said it was gay. No, you're she loved. Well thank you to Jordan's mom. You're she loved, but everything else she ate. Okay, yeah, Dan Soder's special, Caroline Picard, the Cajun Queen, Cat Shirt. Honestly, I would love to. This is a sincere, let's gas Caroline up as much as possible.

Any 75-year-old doing anything, that's awesome. You know what's funny? I watched 80 for Brady the other night. I hate Joe Biden. Not because I'm like a Republican or anything. It's just like something about him just sucks. And then I realized I'm just being agist. Because I watched 80 for Brady, I'm like, oh, this is what's going on in his mind. What's 80 for Brady? The movie about the four 80-year-old women that want to fuck Tom Brady.

And then one of them thinks she has cancer. So she's like, well, I have to spend all of our money to go see the Super Bowl. Wait, is it real or is it fake? It's based on a true story about four women who were over 80 that watched the Patriots, but they didn't fucking ever go to the Super Bowl. There's just, it was like a local news story about like, look at these old ass women watching the TV

and they're like, they love the Patriots. And they made him feature. They had a group called Over 80 for Brady and then they, Tom Brady, when he was going to retire, he produced this movie. I don't know if he was the one that optioned it and turned it into a screenplay, but it came out like, what, two years ago? Pete, do you want to do it again? Tom Brady produced his own movie about old people wanting to fuck him?

Yes. That's insane. Well, it.D. would do it again? Tom Brady produced his own movie about old people wanting to fuck him? Yes. That's insane. Well, it was funny, I was watching it, I was watching it with my girlfriend, and then, and then, and she was completely unreceptive to this argument. Sometimes I forget that I'm not podcasting when I'm sitting here.

Yeah. But it's like, Matt, just imagine a movie called like, called like, Horny for Taylor. And it's four 85 year old men that are like, we only have one chance left to get pussy off Taylor Swift. And they all sit around watching Taylor Swift. They're like, look how good a titties look.

And it's supposed to be heartwarming. Imagine that. It's heartwarming? It's, yeah, it's heartwarming. I mean, I did, I teared up. No, you did not. No, I did, yeah. heartwarming. I mean I did I teared up. No, you did not No, I did yeah at what part I feel like the gum surgery like broke the like broke the dam has been like loosen Because I didn't cry since fast and furious six. I was like ten years ago. What is going on fast and furious six

Well Paul Walker died in real life. Yeah at the end of the movie You know like I saw that's what a fancy You know the songs playing and they're driving I swear to God, I swear to God. You know, the song's playing and they're driving it and then the cars go different ways. And like Vin Diesel drives into the next movie and Paul Walker drives to heaven. And they had to like, they put his face on,

they like photoshopped his face on like a different guy. It's like, goodbye dude. And you're just stopping for the first time in 20 years? I cried in the theater. But that was, no, I was like 25 at the time. And then I hadn't cried, you know, and I had family members die, friends die. And I tried, I would like, I would like,

and it wouldn't happen. And then, and then yeah, just that week with the gum surgery and stuff, because it was like, I feel like. An eight year old's being like, we're gonna go gang, bang. Well like I feel like an 80 year old's being like we're gonna go gang bang. Well I feel like I've been backed up because what happened I think when I was 26 things started to change things started to take off and then because my perspective at the time is I'd been in comedy for 10 years and I did the things you're supposed to do and when I moved to New York I moved to New York feeling

I already failed a comedy I kind of just wanted to live in New York and then like there would be little things here and there but like when cometown started to Take off I Like tensed up because it's like okay. I got a hold on oh yeah, and then and then I like I think that that and then you know Other things like becoming a public figure, that's weird. And then you just, I feel like I became very emotionally reserved. And then, yeah, just having the week off and getting the gum surgery was the first time I like,

because I haven't had a physical in a decade. I haven't gotten my teeth cleaned in four years. I think it's that you have a girlfriend that you like who's cool. Well, somebody that, yeah, like just be vulnerable and then somebody like because I mean I've been in other relationships I mean certainly like having support I guess. I did not think I was gonna like her and then she walked up to me and I took a bite of a tiny mini candy and I was like eating it and

she was like looking she was like looking at it like this and I was like do you want the other half and she was like yeah can I and I was like 100 this and I was like, do you want the other half? And she was like, yeah, can I? And I was like, 100%. And I was like, okay, I'm all in on this. She will win. But anyways, yeah, no, I did tear up at the part in 80 for Brady where you think that Lily Tomlin has cancer, but this is the most, first of all, fuck this movie.

It's funny, whatever. I don't wanna shit on a two-art because it is good as a movie. Nobody is gonna come after you for shitting on it. Nobody will see it. I don't know who don't wish I wish it on a two-hour because it is good as a movie nobody is gonna come after you for shitting on it Nobody will see it. I don't know who wrote it morally It could be a friend. I don't Tom Brady. It sounds like yeah, well, but morally It's like it's these creepy old women that want to fuck somebody a quarter of their age Yeah, Tom Brady Tom Brady is basically a child. Yeah, And if we're like all things equal,

Tom Brady as a, what is he, 38? What do you gotta be, something like that? 40. 40 years old. Okay, you think that's an adult, but these women are 80, right? So they're basically subway Jared in this situation. Yeah, yeah, I agree.

And then the movie, I mean it is a comedy, but like all that's happening the entire time is they go to the Super Bowl and they're surprising everyone because they're just better at everything than everyone. One of them is like, oh, she eats edibles and then winds up in a poker game with Pat Noswald. What? I've never heard of. And Guy Fury and stuff. She's in this poker game and she's just like, oh? I've never heard of her. Yeah, and Godfrey and stuff.

She's in this poker game and she's just like, oh, they don't think she's gonna win, but she's beating all of them at poker. She's the best at poker. And then there's a game where you throw a football and the other old lady is like beating this athletic, you know, young man. And then there's a hot wings eating contest

and Sally Field is all, she's eating the hot wings. Nobody else can eat the hot wings except her It's just like Sally Field isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is devastating. So that's the same idea over and over again It's like people are under oh this 80 year old woman can't do anything It's like oh, she's the best at the monster truck rally that we have she's a bit and then eventually they go into the I guess like the like like the coordinators box or whatever and then they're like calling the plays themselves and they're

the reason that they won the Super Bowl in 2017 is the Patriots movie. And one of them has cancer but she doesn't really. She doesn't even have cancer. That's the premise of the movie is like, it starts off, first of all, it's like the first 15, like the whole first act occurs in just a living room. And they keep jumping back and forth in time because they were like, let's just bang this all out in one day.

Right, so we'll do a couple of costume changes. But so they're sitting there and, you know, it starts off, they're already watching the Patriots. And it's like, how did this start? And it was like, it was 10 years ago, I was finishing up my chemotherapy and the TV got stuck and they couldn't like turn change the channel, the remote stopped working. And they're like, oh, football, turn it off, turn it off.

We need to watch a woman getting murdered, you know, like whatever they needed to see. And then Tom Brady comes on the TV and they're like, let's suck his penis, you know, and then they're just lusting after him and then they get into football from the lusting, you know. Okay. And then so this is 10 years later and then they're watching it and then there's like a contest

to win tickets to the Super Bowl. And like, Lily Tomlin plays the one who had cancer. She's like, what if we went to the Super Bowl, and then she buys tickets, and then there's a contest, but she buys the tickets and tells her friends she won the tickets. Unbeknownst to them, she's gotten more like test, more medical screening. And she's got a letter from the oncology like center. I'm like enthralled. I'm like, and then what?

She got a letter from the oncology center and they've been trying to call her, but she doesn't want to pick up the phone because it could be bad. Tom Brady. Well, it could be bad news. So she won't open the letter from the oncology center. She hasn't told her friends and so then like you know you

kind of get the sense that they present you with the idea that this woman knows her cancer is returned. She's gonna die. She can't go through the chemo again. She just wants to take her friends out for one kind of like last hurrah memorable experience. That's very sweet but then you watch all this and eventually they're like why wouldn't you just just open the letter? She's like I'm worried it'd be something bad and I don't know and they're like and at this point they've lost the tickets and they gotta find the tickets again and they finally get in and they're in the skybox and then they're the reason that they win the Super Bowl and then at the end it's like oh and she doesn't even have cancer

and it's like well no, and she doesn't even have cancer. And it's like, well, no, now you have to die. Because like, old- You fucked a kid. Even cancer aside, you're 85 years old. You've already gotten more. It's time to die, you have to die. You've already gotten more than most people. You've taken more. Does one of them die?

One of them dies. In the- No, none of them die. Sally Field, her character is married. Her character is married to Bob Ballaband in the movie. And then they're like, oh, look how boring Bob Ballaband is. Meanwhile, she's 75 years old. Likely her husband would be dead. Yeah, well, because he's like,

can you give me notes on my paper that I wrote or whatever, if he wants notes? And she's like, I don't have time for this, you know? Meanwhile, her husband is a fully functioning 80 year old just writing books. Right, so she won't give him notes in the book, she goes. And then she's like trying to cheat on him. With Tom Brady?

It's kind of like, she wants to get better at flirting, I guess, it's a way to get this joke in there about like, nagging or something. I don't know, at a certain point, something happened. Either someone called or I had diarrhea, but I left, I went to the bathroom and I missed a chunk of it. But they're in an Uber ride. And she's like, I never got a chance to flirt.

And then she tries hitting on the Uber driver. She's like, oh, you have a nice head. She says that to him. You have a nice head. Imagine if you tried to do this with me with the movie Face Off. What, describe the movie Face Off? Verbate him.

Well, Face Off is a masterpiece. It really is. Yeah. You told me about it and I watched it. Oh, really? Yeah. See, I don't even remember that. Yeah, I love Face Off.

And then I really watched. You remember what the See, I don't even remember that. Yeah, I love Face Off. And then I rewatched it. You remember what the joke was that the old lady said in the Uber, but you can't remember? Tell conversations I've had. Oh, I thought you might, you don't remember the movie Face Off. No, I remember the Face Off.

I don't remember any podcast I've ever done, ever. Yeah, yeah. It's a blur. But you can picture movies. Of course. To finish. Because it's a story. It's not just some stupid fucking conversation

I'm forced to have. Yeah. What are you? I'll ask you off the bud. What? Well, I was. And thanks, guys. Thanks for joining us this week.

I have to piss so bad. OK, go. And my weekend recommendation, 80 for Brady. Nice double feature, 80 for Brady, and then a bunch of Caroline Picard clips. Subscribe to my YouTube for the Death Choke. And I'll say this, it's sort of a palette cleanser for Joe Biden. Everyone hates Joe Biden. He's making old people look bad. But you can... He's not that... Did you see the Golden Bachelor, that guy? No, what is that? The bad guy? They chose an old ass bachelor and he is 100% autistic. He's just teased and you're like, I want love.

I've never really watched a bachelor and I'm not like, I'm not watching a bachelor. I'm not doing that. I've been to like bachelor parties where people watch the bachelor and I sit there and I try to watch it. I genuinely do not get the appeal. And it's like, I mean, people are like,

oh, it's easy to get into, you can have people over, but why the Bachelor? Why not guys' grocery games? Why not any reality show? What is it about the Bachelor that makes this? Because it's a competition with a bunch of insane people, and at the end they are forced to get married. I used to go to the same-

Why not guys' grocery games? It's the same exact thing. It's not the same thing. One is like forever and it's this fake thing and then the girls get in fights. I used to be against it, but then I watched it with the roommates and you get into it, you get attached to one character.

I watched an episode the other night and it's like, if you told me this aired in 2003, I wouldn't know. It's just a guy being like, yeah, when we had Sam, which is the other day, I was like, you know, it's like probably the best It's like one of the most amazing afternoons in my entire life Yeah, but then they kiss and it's this insane kiss where one of them is biting the other one's tongue

And they don't know how to do it and you're like, oh, that's so glad you said that because I was like really feeling that also there was also Were we talking about some heavy and sandwiches? I like when in the middle of the bastard, they cut to an animal just like. Even the events they did. Like I just watched, they did like axe throwing. Is that even a thing anymore? I feel like the entire middle of the country.

It's the Bonton, the whole show is the Bonton. The entire middle of the country is just a wasteland of empty craft breweries and shut down axe throwing places. Places like called Wedge and Spackle or whatever. And then every town, it's all just homeless people and one guy who has a Tesla yeah just a guy that goes around that wouldn't the Tesla like Mad Max I hate Tesla's there everywhere yeah I guess they they won Elon one dude every time I have to push that button to get out it's crazy I hate the way that makes me feel I get

hostile immediately yeah the stupid button that says this is how the door opens just have a door just have a handle I don't know any time but now I sound like the woman with the rodeo your phone Tesla fuck you bitch Button you want me to push out bought try taking the dog sled to fucking church asshole Try taking the dog sled to fucking church asshole. Fucking bullshit, Tesla. I take, Tesla, I wipe my fucking ass with it, motherfucker. I mean, it's literally. You said dog sled, but you said dog for so long.

Yeah, dog sled. I mean, that's like, that, to be fair, that is 90% of a certain era of Texas comedy. It's saying like, boh, shit! Maybe that's why black comics are like, I can do an hour and a half, because they're just, they're just, and you think, um, is there syllables

are just drawn out? I think that's what it is. Yeah. It's hot! I got a hot, well they all kinda, it's like Ron White started it. Ron White was the first guy. Ron White the other day, did you see the thing

where he was like, I feel bad. But he was like, my mom just died, she was 69 years old. What? What? What? What? What do you looks like? How is that possible?

He looks like 106. I know I said it to my friend and I was like, so he was like negative 20 when he went here. I think he just missed, he must have been wasted. He was like, she was 69 years old, so just wanted to let you guys know. I watched it and I was like, this is a bit.

I look at all the comments, everybody's like, everybody's like, Mike and Dolan's one person's like, what? And then everybody else attacks them like, just shut the fuck up. It was crazy. He looks a hundred and nine in the video He can't possibly be He is like 60. Yeah, it doesn't he's got to be 60 years old. There's no way

What but what was he trying to say What, but what was he trying to say? My mom didn't die, I don't know. That was what I was, yeah. You have to watch it, because he's like in the camera, like he's telling a secret, like he's like, I just want you guys, you know, my mom died last night, 69 years old, so just thought you guys would want to know that,

which why would everybody want to know that? But the 69, he didn't look at it back at all, and it was crazy. Poor guy, that's gotta suck. Because you would think like you when you're younger you're like oh my parents don't like die when you're young and which is tragic but like when you're old no matter what you're it's always gonna suck when your parents die but now you're just disgusting body you're old and gross you know I know now you almost look like now you're bad person for not putting your mom down

earlier. I know, yeah, yeah. Anyway, thanks for joining us. We will be back next week with a special guest. Me? No. Actually, no, I'll tell you after this show. Okay.

Yeah, it'll be fun. Adam's gonna be gone, so I'm gonna do it without telling him on Saturday. I'm gonna find you that video, probably. Okay. All right, thanks everybody. Yeah, it'll be fun. Adam's gonna be gone, so I'm gonna do it without telling him on Saturday. I'm gonna find you that video probably. All right, thanks everybody. If I said anything bad or weird, I'm sorry. Please don't harass any of the people that I mentioned. Please just enjoy this as a podcast and then go about your day. Please don't think anything more of it. Please maybe at most either say, well, that's not really funny, and then turn it off, or chuckle a little bit, but then move on.

Just move on, please. Thank you.