The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Jordan Jensen - Episode 54

Episode Date: May 18, 2024

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Jordan Jensen - Episode 54 Watch Jordan's Death Chunk - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@adamfriedlandshowclips Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tafs Subscribe to @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs Sign up to Patreon for Premium Podcast Episodes and to Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/tafs/ -- LIVE SHOWS: ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Welcome to the Adam Friedland show podcast. We're joined by Jordan Jensen. Nick is on assignment right now. He's in Kabul, Afghanistan. Do you know what's going on over there? What's going on in Kabul? I don't know. It's too complicated to even explain. Do you know any like anything about war or anything like that? Do girls girls don't like like like wars or anything. I like war. You do. Yeah. You have like a favorite war. I mean it's everybody's favorite World War II. I don't know. No that's a that's that's like that's like a basic bitch. No way. Everybody loves World War II. Every Karen says World War II. So many people died. No way. U.S. Civil dude. Oh yeah. To be honest low key one of my favorites

is cold. I think Cold is hilarious. Cold? Cold War. Yeah, but it's not an actual war. It's just a name. Yeah, but it's so good. Just a bunch of this. You know?

I like that. I also like the one that's going on right now. Did you see that show The Americans? I tried to start watching it recently. No, I've just been watching The Wire. Really, really makes me want to say the N-word. It makes me say the N-word. That's what you're taking away from The Wire. I can't stop the first season. Are you kidding me?

I got on stage after watching it like I watched it in the condo and I was like Cuz me and Jake are just running around Watching it you're running around watching it Every time they say the n-word they will you laugh on the train really loud. You know, that's funny Did you guys get a load of this? I hold it up like this. That's so fun. I Saw I saw Django once when I lived in DC in like a An all-black movie theater and I got like nervous when like Leo was saying it and I know he said it hard

Everyone in the theaters was dying of laughter. They everyone thought it was really funny Well that the that the racisms were very funny. So I was like, um, so then I started laughing along I said it Yesterday and he like got on he was like, all right, ladies and gentlemen ready and I was like, oh here we go And then he proceeded to do the most moving modern dance. He looked like a street rat. And he did the most moving modern dance. The song was about love and you're getting your heart broken. It was unbelievable.

He had a boombox or something? Yeah. It was a mate. And he was doing all of these. On the subway? Yeah. Really? It was incredible.

He kicked an old lady in the head? Yeah. Really? It was incredible. And he kicked an old lady in the head or something? He didn't do that. They got rid of Showtime, Showtime in New York City. I haven't seen one of those in years. What's going on? Do you go to Prospect Park? Yeah, like nighttime, usually between the hours

of three and six a.m. Yeah. And just kind of in the wooded areas. Yeah. There's just homeless men who are allowed to And just kind of in the wooded areas. Yeah. There's just homeless men who are allowed to live in them. The men's bathroom areas. You gotta get them out of there. Oh, in Prospect Park?

Yeah, like in little coves. I think those are homosexuals. No, they're homeless. The joke I was making was that I was cruising in Prospect Park. Yeah, I know, you were Ianing. Ian goes to the park for that? Ian used to cruise

He has a cruise face. It's really intense. What's the face? It's I can't do it, but I make him do it to me because it's so crazy He like walks by and he like does this look that's like it's crazy Show me he like walks by and he goes like I can't do it. It's like it's like No, no, no, no, no, it's like it's like I can't do it. I can't do No, it's something with his weird eyes that make you it's like it's sweet, but it's also like we could fuck It's crazy ask him to do it say your cruising face. It will make you be like, yeah, let's go to the woods right now That's crazy. It's not gonna make me it will it will I'm telling you I'm not

I'm the last person on this planet that would ever fuck Ian and his cruising face makes me want to become a man so that I can fuck him in the ass. You're the last person on the planet that would fuck him. 100%. If you're the last, I'm the second to last. Really? One time, I remember he said to us that he considered himself an eight and a half. I know.

I just remember how hard Stav laughed at that. I remember St just yes like shaking Stov's podcast recently and he said something like that and stuff had to be like you're just mistaken It's very sweet that you feel that way, but you are mistaken. Yeah, it's but it's great. It's I told him this before but he looks like Chuck E cheese He does he looks like Chuck E cheese. He looks like Austin Powers He does. He looks like Chuck E. Cheese. He looks like Austin Powers. No not at all. Yeah. I look more like Austin Powers. No way. He has that yeah bait like he has that weird sexual constant and the teeth. I guess like spiritually he looks like he's Austin Powers

but dude he dressed up as Austin Power from Halloween and I was like you have arrived. This is how you should always. I watched the first one recently and I really my girlfriend Turned to me. She said it herself. She's like I really didn't realize how much of my personality I've based off of that Yeah, it's one of the best movies. I was kind of the Austin Powers kid in elementary school Yeah, did I ever tell you that story about my friend went to college with a guy named Austin Powers? No, okay. That's amazing. I got his driver's license? Can you imagine that guy's life? Like the first movie came out, he's like, it's going to be six months of yeah baby yeah.

Then I'll go back to normal. Austin Powers 2 comes out, he's like, okay, first of all, they can't keep the magic going. It sucks that he has to say Austin. If you met a guy named Austin Powers today in 2024, like a vein would pop up on your forehead to keep you from saying, yeah, baby, yeah. 100%. Do I make you horny, baby?

I wouldn't let the vein appear, I would just start saying it. You'd fuck him. I would immediately. You would fuck him. Yeah, totally. I fucked him because his name was Austin Powers. There's a lot of people that are blowing comics

on the road, and I think that they're doing it because they're like like I blew this person Because it was Austin Powers? No, but that reminded me of it like there's a lot of my friends being like this girl just offered me a blowjob Like there's a lot of women being like I'll suck your dick I want to have sex with you, but then they'll blow the person then they'll be like I blew Whatever head only head only like a collector's token. Yeah, that's happened to me before really. Yeah, but I said Actually, I'd rather just go down on you. Nice.

While you call me the caseler. That's cause you're a beautiful lesbian. Just kidding, dude. I wouldn't ever do that with some stranger. Disgusting. Wait, but isn't that normal? Like someone is like performing and is fairly successful and then a girl wants to I just think of them off

No, I've never had that impulse. I've never seen somebody and you've never like gone to a Bon Jovi concert You like I would I'd really like to suck that man's penis No, I've gone to a concert and been like I'd really like to date and then eventually marry that man and procreate with him But I've never been like I like to blow him You'd like to like just decide like are we doing Thai or Chinese tonight? Oh, yeah, yeah, you'd like to like get into an argument because you had a dream the night before and I just did that the other day You why do they why do you why do you it's so hard? So mean in the dreams you're so mean and you always you always cheat on me when I'm dreaming

And then I wake up and you're sitting there and I'm like, you suck, you were just so mean in the dream. And you're always unapologetic in the dream. You're never like, you're never like, I'm sorry I did this thing. You're always like, I don't care about you. And then you wake up. Does every girl do this? I think that's a lie.

I think it's like you guys are just saying that this is a real thing. It literally happened three days ago. What did he do in the dream? He was like, I walked in on him making out with a girl and she was being all clamory and like, A girl you know? No, just some random girl on the staircase.

I know what it's from. And then I was like- Was it from the time that he was making out with a girl on the staircase? No, I just- it's because what it is is it's my- Girl, he cheating on you. It's my own shit. Like I do fucked up shit when I feel threatened in previous relationships. Like I'll feel threatened and then I'll like develop an emotional affair with somebody

and it feels skeevy so then I think everybody's done it to me. But, and then in the, it's always like this, it's always like, well I guess we're not dating anymore and I'm like, what, really? And he's like, yeah, sorry, I just don't want to. But that also is. You broke up with him in the morning? No, no, in the dream it's always like that.

It's like, well this girl's sucking my dick so I guess we're not together anymore. Oh, he dumped you. Well that's a gentleman's thing to do. That's a gentlemanly thing. I always have dreams that people I love are like I don't care about you. Really. I used to have that dream when I was a kid that I was at a gas station. My parents were walking in front of me and then they just kept walking faster and faster and I kept, and then they left me and I was like, yeah. I always had a dream as a kid that I was stuck in a car that was moving, like I was in the back seat and then I had to climb into the front and drive the car

and it was like, Yeah, I have the dream where the brakes don't work a lot. What is that? That's gotta mean something. Yeah, I was saying this to Nick like a couple of years ago, but dreams often for me are like that I'm going somewhere, but I never actually get there like I Yeah, I don't really ever have sex dreams. I have a dream where it's like I'm like in a car with a chick And she's like let's go somewhere and fuck

Yeah, yeah, I've had sex with a dream I had a wet dream you did when I was Was it when your boyfriend was making for making out with that girl on the on the stairs? No Oh, no, it's different. It would be funny if you were just had absolutely geysered Do guys are people being like get away from me you guys are No way slide right off the bed if people are if I'm fucking somebody and they're like, please don't come near me totally 100% you're fucking me Yeah, I say that on stage sometimes you do that. Yeah You stole my you're fucking me

But I said that my friend said that women always are like you're fucking me and my friend said that's a classic and that Adam Friedland said And then I'm like my friend Adam Friedland and that guy's an applause break. Everybody stops everybody freaks everyone's like that that's your friend. Yeah I have two. I have one that Nick said to me and one that you said to me. What did Nick say to you. Nick said to me six million was too high of a number. Why don't you stay the black guy. And I was like I said that to you. No. I thought I said that everybody fucking says it to me. Why not. Because I'm not going to get a black guy because I think white is right. Don't say that You know that John Mayer said that in Playboy magazine once what he said I love black women But my dick is like David Duke. Yeah mine, too you only ever had sexy with

With Irishman Irishman. Irishmen? Yeah. No. Really? Yeah. That gets you off? Is it the...

Just always angry Catholic... Is the red nose the bloated... No, not gingers. Like stoic Catholic... No, they got big red noses from alcoholism. Yeah. Yeah. Really.

It's like freckle people. Yeah, yeah. Irishmen are good lovers? You wouldn't know. You haven't had any others. Yeah. Yeah Irishmen are good lovers. You wouldn't know you haven't had any others Yeah, you haven't had any idea. I had sex with one brown man, and I did not like it Brown Muslim Nice dude that you should date a Muslim guy. I hate it that be one of my friends is Muslim Ismael's Muslim

And I'm always like dude. I don't believe you I think you're just Harry Pottering about Islam. Because he starts reciting the Quran to me, and I'm like, yeah, you're just a dork for Islam. I don't believe that you really believe this. Oh, that he actually believes in God. I never believe people when they're a practical person with like, he's the most reasonable person.

And then he's like, well, Allah, or whatever. And I'm like, you don't, no way. He sings at you in Arabic? Always. He always quotes the Quran. He prays five times a day. And I'm like, you don't, no way. No way. He sings at you in Muslim, in Arabic? Always, he always quotes the Quran, he prays five times a day and I'm like, I don't think that you think that you were accidentally born into the right religion. I wasn't and you think I'm going to hell.

Also, I just don't buy it. He was named Austin Powers so I fucked him. I fucked him in the bathroom because he showed me his ID and it was Austin Powers. People do that. People just have sex. I hope that Austin Powers guy has been, his entire life has been ruined by that, but I hope he at least got pussy a couple times off it. Does he look like Austin Powers?

Be cool with his look. No, he's just a normal guy. There's a guy, there's also a guy that comes to Funny Mom sometimes, and his name is, someone was doing crowd work, and he's like, yeah, my name's, his name's Tyler Durden. Oh yeah, I remember that. Yeah, that kid. I was there for that. He's a really nice kid.

His name is Tyler Durden. His name is straight up Tyler Durden. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. My name is Limp Bizkit. That's like a, Tyler Durden is also just like a, that's like a, like a guy, like a, you know, guys that are too into like,

I don't know, what can I say? Like Bitcoin, or like really into Tyler Durden. Really? Yeah, those kind of guys. You think? Guys that like, yeah, yeah. They're like, I wanna burn down society, and I have a, I don't know where this is going at all.

Do you have any Bitcoin? No, not at all. Somebody's putting pressure on me to put money. I had all my money in checking until the last couple of months. What'd you do with it? Nothing. Just moved it to saving?

No, I don't know. They do stuff with it now. They, the Jews. Madoff, he's good. Anyway, Maya's got big tits, huh? Yeah, my girlfriend is big So can I tell you something really embarrassing happened to me yesterday? What was it? So I went in I went in for an audition I told you yeah, and so like I adrenaline pumping. I'm really nervous, you know But it's funny like you walk into the waiting room

It's all like it's five guys that look like you and they're actors really so they're actors So they're like thinking about what they learned at NYU and they're all like you know like like nervous and like small and I'm like oh fuck it like I'm a fucking comedian dude I don't give a shit about this so I was like oh it's so funny we all look the same they're like haha they all started laughing and then like one guy comes up he's like are you Adam Friedland I really like the show and I was like that's you know in my mind I'm like that's right dude I'm fuck these fucking actors like you know like I'm I'm important you know and so I'm like, that's, you know, in my mind, I'm like, that's right, dude, I'm, fuck these fucking actors. Like, you know, like I'm, I'm important, you know?

And so I'm like, it's, you know, and then they call them all in and it's me, me and this one other guy. And I'm kind of really feeling myself. And I'm like, bro, you, like, you've been in movies? And he's like, yeah, I got a couple. And I was like, oh, like, have you been like the star of any of the movies? And he's like, um, oh like have you been like the star of any of the movies and he's like I Guess yeah, and I was like, oh some fucking NYU's like thesis

Yeah, this fucking guy off-brow and I was like what like anything I would have seen and he's like no Well, you wouldn't see my face and I was like was it like cartoons or something and he's like, um, I'm the star of the new planet the apes movie that one in theaters right now he's like yeah oh my god I just got back for the press tour oh my god who is it so like oh fuck dude I forgot that people do this for these guys are professionals you guys said they like the show but YouTube show I was like these people are nothing I feel like immediately like I'm like no, but then I talked to him about like being the monkey suit and

Monkey, he's the main one acting. He's the main monkey He's a Jewish guy with glasses. No, he's not Jewish. She's like a very handsome guy But the characters is a pretty ugly guy and I'm like, well, I'm uglier than him So I have a better shot. Yeah, and then and then I realized I was like this guy played a fucking monkey you do anything do anything this guy could be a fucking ugly guy if he wants to yeah he's super who they cast really nice guy shout out to that guy he's a very nice guy cast you because they cast that girl as the girl yeah don't I don't want to say anything I'm not gonna get the thing crazy when I don't get it I'll

say what it's for and everyone is going to get a big laugh. New Planet of the Apes. You got to look at this guy. He's unreal. Is he? You don't know his name. He's so handsome. Fume.

What is it? You look it up while I'm reading. What is his name? He told me his name but I forgot it immediately. Fume. What is his? Oh. Fume. Fume. What is it? Oh. Fume. Fume.

Pronounced F-U-M-E, spelled F-U with an umlaut M. All right, guys, you ever try to break a bad habit? And it felt like climbing Mount Everest in flip flops. You ever found, that ever happen to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, we've been there too, but here's a breath of fresh air, folks.

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Funerals innovative fume is an innovative award-winning flavored air device that does just that instead of vapor Fume uses air instead of electronics fume is completely natural and instead of harmful characters fume uses air instead of electronics. Fume is completely natural and instead of harmful characters, Fume uses delicious flavors. You get it. Instead of bad, Fume is good. That's pretty good. This is a good copy, I think, right? It's a habit you're free to enjoy and it makes replacing your bad habit easy. Your Fume comes with an adjustable airflow dial and is designed with movable parts and magnets for fidgeting, giving your fingers a lot to do, which is helpful for de-stressing anxiety

while breaking your habit. Look at this, Jordan. Play with this. I have one. I played with it today. Does that satisfy you? That feeling. Yeah, this does.

And it's nice and it's weighty and it's got a good wood and it comes in this lovely Box just like eat just wow Well now they know that a six nine guy is working with two five foot one men on a podcast That's a good pitch for a for a for a sitcom, right? Or perhaps a drama guys com, right? Or perhaps a drama. Guys, start the year off right with the good habit by going to tryfume.com. That's F-U-M-T-R-Y-F-U-M.com slash T-A-F-S and getting the journey pack today. Fume is giving listeners of the show 10% off when they use the code TAFSTAFS to help making the good habit that much easier. Okay, we're back

to the show. Jordan, what do you look? He is a two hundred and fifty six SD card fine for a four K. Yeah, two hours. 4k Get the 512 maybe the 1 TB get the 1 TB You got to get 1 TB Okay Cool okay, and now we're back, proportional. Can we figure that out though? I'm guessing I have to see his hands, but I'm guessing that it's like it

doesn't mean that hands don't mean anything. Actually, they don't mean it. Is that right? Pete? It's like what? Like that? Right? Hard. So that's like, what is that? Like four? Maybe three and a half? Seven and a half. Eight. Seven and a half, eight. I'm very good at, I know exactly what your penis looks like. And there's no such thing as proportional actually sometimes. Anyway, yeah, yeah. I have a friend that's got like the biggest in the crew and Now he's he's been having mental health issues And he's been like texting us about like he's like I'm having a hard time right now and like I text my other friend That's in the group chat and I'm like honestly, I can't really take it seriously No, my hot friend got cheated on and I just couldn't feel that bad

I don't care about hot if you just like he tells me time, he said girls have had to go to the hospital before. Well, that's a curse. Yeah, it kind of is. I was hooking up with a guy and I felt his penis and I was like, there's no way. So I just sucked on the outside of it, like one of those fish in the fish tank. What do you mean sucked on the outside?

I couldn't get it in. Your mouth? My mouth. What a... It was huge. So he kinda does walk a lonely road. Yeah. On this boulevard of broken dreams.

It's so funny to be sad because your penis is too big. He is a sad boy. I'll tell you who it is after this. Really? Is it in our profession? No. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that.

I don't like that. I don't think, like what's the point of being funny? I know. Yeah, like I wouldn't get out of bed. I know, I just have delivery Uber eats of pussy. Why is it, no, but yeah, like why is he doing standup comedy? I saw pornography when I was 13

and they have large, very big ones in porn and I have a... Small penis. Not a small penis. Oh, okay. Not a small penis. But I thought, because also my penis wasn't... Anyway, I thought I'm never going to have a wife. I thought that it's supposed to be a baby's arm and

You know Babies arms there's so many other things for so many other objects in the world. Yeah, it's like Why we doing that why we just hit hard every time yeah, or like when you see a baby You're like oh look at that two large man's large penises every time I say baby Look at those cocks. Look at those two huge days out of that face. There's two monster cocks They got four dicks coming out of babies Yeah, they're like five because they have penises off. It's inappropriate actually to do that to babies. That's a very fair point God I just found out that This guy now wants to be a pee in a diaper and be changed by his wife sexually and it really upset me He wants to or he doesn't that's their lives. He wants to he wants her to do that for ya. It's not crazy

Do you want that he pitched it he pitched and wife and his wife is beautiful and he's not but think about this like He's been living in pain the entire time there together no No, if you have a specific fetish like that like no he just thought about it too much and then got obsessed with it. No, no. I think that like he knows that I have this specific thing and this is the only way I can come and it makes me feel like God. Right. And anytime I'm in a relationship, I can't pitch it too early on because she's going to leave. I have to wait maybe 18 months in. I could, I could say correct his I

Mean I mean, I don't think anyone should have sex. I don't think anybody should have perverse sex just I'm actually very like happy like at this point. I am completely over Sex a lot in relationships. How often are you supposed to have sex? I'm very hungry in relationships how often are you supposed to have sex? I'm very hungry. How often, you're very hungry? Yeah. Just currently? Yeah.

Do you want me to order Uber Eats? No, it's okay. You want, what do you want me to get, Shake Shack? No. Okay. Sweet green. How often, the nice thing about it, like if you live together.

No. You want a sweet green? Yeah. What kind? I want the hummus crunch salad. So you. Wait, let me ask. What what what kind I want the hummus crunch salad so you Wait let me ask this podcast is just going all off the rail of it. I'll get you Pete. I apologize I Love Pete you guys don't know Pete Pete's the best Pete protected me from a crazy lady recently

Really? Yeah, did we already talk about that, Pete? No, I haven't been here with you. Maybe we did. Who was it? Was it like another crazy stalker lady tried to bum rush me as I was being on stage? How sweet green was the first thing? I never order sweet green.

It's so scary. Yeah, it's scary. The hummus? Pete, you want anything? Yeah, can I get the kale Caesar? OK, I got you. Kale Caesar. Guess what I have for lunch, Pete?

I got a Peter Luger's burger randomly. My car went over the Williamsburg Bridge, got a flat, so it's been in Williamsburg. And I was across the street waiting for the tow today. And I went alone. I felt like a businessman the hummus He wants kale Caesar I want hummus crunch. I'm looking

God You know those days you just don't want to podcast Hummus crunch I really appreciate it. Order two of the kale and I'll pay for it for the person who's coming. Sebastian Madaskalko. I saw him go up in LA. He's incredible. I know. He's really good. I think he's the best. Anyone who's told me their problems and I find out that they have a monster, it just makes me mad.

Yeah, but the thing is sometimes the monster can feel like you can't live up to the expectation. It's same. It's how I feel about my and her tits. I'm like I don't respect any problem she could ever have. What do you mean cancer. And I'd be like we have a beautiful body beautiful face and big tits. Yeah. Yeah. She could be dying of cancer. She'd be dead. Well the only thing is that I'd be dead waste of a good body. You know? What a waste of them. What a waste of the tits. What a great pair. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I guess I've.

There's no escape. Even my trainer, who's the most ripped hot woman I've ever seen in my life, gets cheated on constantly. She does. Just cheated. I was like, I'm going to quit because you're saying that. That's the only reason I'm working out. Yeah, because guys don't want a ripped woman.

She's not. She's hot. She's incredible. She's not one of I'm working out. Yeah, because guys don't want a ripped woman. She's not she's hot. She's incredible She's not one of those like no like Doing squats big-ass thing. No, can I see a picture of her? It's just one of those days when you don't want to podcast. No, it's it's just that yeah Our attention spans are over place. You got allergies. I got allergies. I have terrible brain fog Yeah, but also I just had like, I can't say anything. We can't say anything. We can't talk about the war in the Middle East. Yeah.

But what about day? I, there's a, there's a lot more you want to talk about it. You don't know anything. Who is the secretary of state Warren Buffett? Who is the who's the head of Netanyahu? Yeah. Who's the head of Hamas? Bag Daddy. Is that true? That's the guy that Trump killed when he's like, nice. Yeah. Shane did that bit about it. What was it about how funny it was when he announced that guy's death bag that daddy. Well you do better Trump than me. We love bag daddy. We love to see him dead. He died like a dog and like whatever. Died like a dog. My favorite Gillis joke is the one where he says where he's like the way Trump argues and he'll just like come into a whole thing and then just be like your

wife has a dog face. Can you do that? He's like, your wife does have a dog face. Yeah. Um, he probably wants him to win again just because he can keep doing the impression. I want him to win again. So the boys are back in town. That's what I know. It was, I mean like, I'm so sick of Biden. I'm not going to vote for Trump, right? But like, it would feel fun to do it. And it's a New York state. He's definitely going to win. So like to do it for fun is a possibility. Yeah. Just to know what it feels like. I've only got to take that women. What? Yeah. Well that's a good that's a we all did. It's never gonna get better. Whatever. Yeah. You know what's crazy is like it's an election right now and no one's paying attention

to it at all. Do you remember how it used to be must-see TV? It was huge. When Trump was in those debates with all those clowns and he was being mean to everyone, that was like the best TV show I've ever seen. Yeah, what's going on now? People are talking about like the 12-year-old,

the people at Columbia in their tents or something. That's what the news is now? Yeah. The kids. Protesters. That's not the news. Like, there's literally a presidential election going on right now and no one's paying attention

to it. No. Yeah. It's because nothing happens. It'll just waffle. We know exactly what it looks like with Biden. We know exactly what it looks like with Trump and it didn't affect our lives at all. I was saying we should just tell them that they both won. I want somebody to win who

is anti-abortion. Anti-abortion? Yeah. But they took it away. They overturned Roe v. Wade. Right, but I want it to be illegal for me to get an abortion because I do... You want to keep the next one? I just know that I won't have a kid if I can abort. I know that I won't. So you want every woman in America to suffer. Just me. I want to walk and do a thing and then be like so you want a law written just for you. Yeah. Yeah, I Had my first lesbian thought the other day What is it? I was like a girl at the boxing gym and she was so hot and I was like, oh I thought it was you were looking in the mirror. You're like damn. I look like no, that's every day That's how you know, I don't have to look in the mirror. You're like, damn, I look like a lesbian. No, that's every day. That's every day. No, I don't have to look in the mirror.

I walk outside. Wait, you saw a girl boxing. I saw a girl at the boxing gym. I was like, oh, I could date that. Really? What does she look like? Me, a little. Really?

That's the style of a gay guy, you know? The just two twins. Like, there's like, you just see them. They're the exact same guy. The problem with lesbians is they do this thing with their voice. Like, I heard one of them training and she's like you just see them there the exact same guy the problem with lesbians is they they do this thing with their voice Like I heard one of them training and she's like so how much can you lift like they do a cosplay as a man thing? I know that people are gonna be like you're doing that but they they they they literally act like they're like being a guy Yeah, they talk like that and it is cringy to me. Yeah, and I think if I think it's performative

It's insecure. It looks like you know how to like communicate with pit bulls. They do know how to. My mom just got to pit bulls. They do know how to do automotive repair. You know they do. Yeah. They do have the respect of their masters of animals and beasts. Yeah. Why do they. Why are they so good with cats. I don't understand why. There's something. Yeah. I sent my dog to my dog can't be around other dogs. And my dog, my friend was watching my dog while I was out of the country. And he was like, yeah, I dropped her a doggy daycare yesterday and apparently she was great. And I was like, she, I thought she, no, she'll go on a murder spree. She'll kill everyone there No, and he was like no there was just some lesbian that was like now And then she was like a good dog the rest of the day was it in Brooklyn. No is in Connecticut

Oh, he is like a wood shop up in Connecticut where he I forget that you have a pit bull. That's so crazy Yeah, I know. I have a murder weapon Is she a murder weapon? She's very sweet. She I Told I've told this story before but yeah when I first got her Yeah, yeah, I I you know, I'd never had a dog I just like did it like a crazy that Nick has a cat You have a pit bull Yeah, I'm like a guy and he's like a girl Yeah in waking life. I just like get met her on the street and I adopted her and I've never had an animal before. I was like you met her on the street? Spur the

moment like manic pixie like oh I'll take you home. Yeah I had roommates and stuff too at the time. Wait you met her on the street because she was homeless or you met her on the street because they were putting her up for adoption in like a cage? She's a homeless teen whore. Mm-mm. Yeah. This guy on the street was like, hey, I just bred her at my grandma's house. And now she has nowhere to live. God. And I was like, nowhere to live?

And then she was depressed also because she just had her children taken away too early. How old was she? They bred her in her first heat. So basically, she got her first first period and they knocked her up. You know what? She's got big nips. She had long, like distended nipples from breastfeeding.

They've kind of shrunken a little bit. But so she was like really sad and depressed. But she was so sweet when I got her. And then I was on a walk with her and I was like, oh, yes, I like I'm so I'm such a great guy. I've saved this whore from the streets. And then she got in this like gory fight with another people like in Clinton Hill, which is like a Hillary woman neighborhood.

Yeah. And like there were just like Karen's like surrounding it, like make it stop. Yeah. Do something. There's blood. Blood. Yeah. Yeah. And then this. Yeah. There was like a bagger Vance style. There was like just a ghost like a like an old black man who just appeared. Nice. And he's like he's like you got to put a stick in that dog's ass. Yeah. Yeah. That happened to my people. My people growing up attacked a dog and a guy drove by and went put a finger in its ass. And then somebody just did it and she was like

and stop. You think it's like two guys are outside a bar and they're like ready to go a hundred percent put a finger in like one of the bros asses immediately gonna stand he's like sorry did she stop did somebody put a immediately was it a stick I put my tongue yeah yeah they weren't even fighting so yeah there but like so then I was like now they're gonna put her to the death penalty Yeah, but I guess the other people were like They were they were chill about it. But uh, yeah, so she can't really be around other dogs

but until she met this lesbian and the lesbian was like Yeah, can communicate with her. I guess lesbians are kind of pitbulls to some extent My dog just hung out with you because on the show. Hello gonna keep this on the show. And the pit bulls. Hello, I'm doing the podcast. What's up? You got the car? Yeah, I'm in your car. All right, thanks brother.

Is that guy fucked up on drugs? No, no, no, he's not fucked up. You wanna talk to him? Yeah. This is my friend Jordan. She's a very funny comedian. Hi Jonas. Hey.

What are you doing Adams bidding for? Does he pay you? I'll get something out of it. Are you sleepy? Yeah, I'm fucking tired. Is it because you have allergies? He's a good guy. No, but I have something.

Yeah, I do have like the throat thing. I keep thinking I have a cold. I have the throat thing too. Me too. I didn't smoke any cigarettes, but I feel like I did. I did hit the vape a lot last night, but I do think it's the pollen Yo, we're where are you watching Nick's?

Where are you watching Nick's? Where are you gonna watch the Knicks game? At the crib and my Adam's wearing Adams wearing woman's socks, they're not women so those are women All right. Yeah, we'll drive that after. What are you guys doing? We're recording a podcast. Come to the studio. It's the worst, dude.

No, it's too far. He's sleepy. Jonas is sleepy. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Bye, Jonas. I love you. See you.

That's my brother, dude. I've always wanted a brother. He's really nice. Yeah. He's really good at basketball. All your notifications are coming. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the dude. I've always wanted really nice. Yeah, he's really good at basketball All your notifications are covering up my tits in this. Oh, no, okay. Oh, she's my background is your girlfriend her breath I just want to be in a relationship where I'm the background of the guy

Yours your never no would never why would have a picture of me getting a shot in the eye Really? Yeah, cuz it broke the the screen it broke the glass He would have a picture of me getting raped to death by eight apes. I don't think he's having him joy I don't think he would he would have a picture of Just your you spreading unit. Have you ever said one of these in a picture? Oh, no I've never said a picture because I'm always worried it's gonna come back you've never had a guy send you a text send sushi is that what you say I don't ask for that but that's what I would say if I wanted one of these you would say sense

is she send sushi I wouldn't say that okay no I No, I'd say send it a cheeky tasteful. Does anybody say Sen sushi? No, I don't think so. I think I just made that up. My friend did. I was like, we were like, we were at a bar and there he was seeing a girl in LA and she sent He she had sent a video of her masturbating for him because like he we were here Yeah, and and he wanted to and I saw it over his shoulder And I was like it was it's a cheeky tasteful. It was the least titillating Sex it wasn't good. Would she be in too hard on it was too gynecological. It looked like a like a pap smear. It looked like a pullback to one point five. Yeah it

looked it was actually it depressed me. He's like and he was like I don't know. Like it was very nice of her to send this but like I'm not. You know it's kind of rude. I've seen so many of those on my friend's phones. It's my favorite thing to look through the DMS that girls just send like just just super gets. Nar Nar sushi slams. He gets Nar Nar sushi slams. He gets from ladies. Yeah. Wow. So he says that he's a homosexual and then girls. He's not gay. No he's not. He's not gay. Maybe that's but that is kind of predatory a little bit. No to say you're gay when you're not gay. Yeah. Like if I say he's not gay he yells at me about how gay he is. If I say he's gay he yells at me about

how straight he is. So I he has gone on a date with men before. He did enjoy it. It is true. He went on a date like he went mini golfing with a guy. He went sex sex. He's so she's that's not a date. That's no they got Chinese food they got Chinese yeah did they go they did did they go they didn't go to the mini golfing and the guy put the wrapped his arms around Ian and then they put together no they just had to do the quick they're men they don't they're not interested in growing a bond but with one another yeah that's like each other's dick. That's what girls do Yeah, girls

But I feel like it's so accepted now in society like the guys like before there was like like it was okay to be gay like They were like really just it was in like dumpsters and like alleyways and stuff and now you could just be like, you know Now you get like a fucking be like, you know, now you get like a fucking primetime Emmy for it or something. Yeah. I remember growing up with lesbian moms and having people be like grabbing other servers and pulling them in. I remember going to summer camp and all my friends staying up till 5 a.m. when my mom was going to pick me up so they could see a lesbian. Like it was totally crazy. Like the zoo? Like the zoo. And my mom be like, what's up? Maybe that's why they're good with animals. Maybe, yeah, because everybody's poking at them.

Because everyone's like, look at this. My mom was a vet. The first time I heard the word, I was a little kid and my parents were listening to NPR and they said lesbian, and I started crying because it sounded like an alien. It sounded like a lizard alien. That's what I thought it was.

Lesbian. Oh, it does. And they were like, why are you crying? And then I said, because they said something about like lesbian, like the lesbian movement or something. And I'm like, are they, they're like gonna come to earth? It sounds like a monster. Yeah.

Yeah. I cried when I watched- The lesbians are ascending. You know when I cried? I cried when I watched Dumb and Dumber when I was being they're ascending you know what I cried I cried when I watched dumb and dumber when I was a kid why my parents rented it for me and they went out to dinner I was with a sitter when they give the little boy the blind boy the bird and it's dead and he's petting it and he says pretty bird I just started weeping as a little kid. I felt so bad for the kid.

He didn't know that the bird... I don't care about the bird. I just cause I'm a lesbian, I care about the bird. Oh, you can't, you are. No, I just thought it was like, he thinks the bird's alive. Oh, that would never bother me. Really?

I can see a homeless man like folded over dying and I feel way more bad for the dog. That's with him That's like healthy. I just I don't care about people but the bird that is sad I found out my mom was gay I didn't cry, but I walked in and I thought she was being attacked with a Weapon, but it was a dildo Really you saw a woman yeah using what with her big fat lady Yeah, a fat lady dildoing your mom.

My dentist, to be honest with you. Your dentist, really? Sounds right up, but it's true. And they're like, your checkup's on Wednesday. Yeah, and I had to keep going to her. I have a friend who said he walked in on his dad having a threesome. Yeah, I've seen my dad have sex so many times.

Really? So many times. What the hell is going You don't have doors in your he used to fuck a lot in a tent if we'd go on a camping trip with this woman Name Diane. I remember her name because his name was Jack and it was Jack and Diane little diddy Oh little diddy turn it yeah all day and I'm Ellie's hamso and then one time I stayed in a cabin and I stayed in The attic and there was a hole and I would look through and I would see what are they doing? And you're like dad you're murdering that vagina right now yeah you're absolutely he was crushed and I remember one point he looked up at the hole so it looked like he was looking right

into my eye and I was like oh I've said this before but all of my Latin American friends like South American friends have had an uncle who's taken them to a whorehouse at like 13 and they've all like cried and not fucked. Yeah, it's really traumatized Yeah, it must be very traumatizing seeing a woman that age Just you know You would see an adult like an older person and then just having them be intimate all of a sudden where their crinkly face and Too much makeup remember being a kid and seeing too much makeup and being like there's something bizarre Oh world guys don't know what makeup is a woman to be wearing blue eyeshadow

And I don't know that she's wearing too much makeup Really? Yeah girls will say my girlfriend would be like she was wearing too much makeup was like, I don't know Wow, yeah It's also funny like when like a girl's like that girl's a bitch. I'm always like She's I don't know. She has long hair and she's got boobs and so she seems pretty nice got long hair She can't like tell if a girl is me Just like it's just a girl. Wow. No, she's she has long hair. She have she has boobs. That's not true You pick up on people's personalities. No, no, I

Don't really I maybe I'm just a mess. I'm dumb bitches. You don't see the difference between yeah I'm just like mess. I dumb bitches. You don't see the difference between. Yeah. I'm just like she's she seems great. Oh No, I want you to run full analysis on every hot horn really she's deficient She's hilarious. Oh my god. That is something. She's so good. She's she's so smart, too My guy friends will be like she's funny and then tell me something I said and it's it's crippling It's so offensive. It's crazy. Yeah, we're idiots. You guys are idiots It sucks I wish I was But it's fun to date a guy because you guys are so dumb

Yeah, yeah, it must be it is because you can just you want to do Confusing the data girl. It is, yeah. It's so confusing. We're mad all the time. They're mad at you for not doing something but it's in their head and you don't know that they want it. Instead of saying that they want it, you have to know that they want it. And then you're in trouble.

All of us just wanna be swaddled and we want you to scream into our faces, I love you and I'm not leaving. That's all we want. Just swaddle. I haven't found that experience cause I do that on a first day. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I wear a wire on a first day Why do you wear a wire cuz I record all my sets, you know, why wouldn't I record all my dates, you know I got I got I told you I got a call after the war started

From my guys to be like, how are you doing with this? Wow, and I was like my career and they're like no the war against our people and I was like we really do run Hollywood Yeah, but Jews run Hollywood not because it's like that's where the money is it started off as like a very shameful No, we invented Hollywood. Yeah, Hollywood was like It was low brat. My great-grandfather was like a Yeah, Hollywood was like no juice can't have it It was low brat. My great-grandfather was like a silent and he was like a scum Silent filmmaker. He was a silent film actor because he only spoke Italian your great-grandfather was yeah He's no shit and it was very scummy to be an actor. So then they were like, well, let's give it to the Jews

That's your industry because you guys are scummy. Yeah, we were like get into the oil industry We couldn't get into like like to yeah like coal or anything yeah that yeah that we went into the new one you did a great job yeah it's like it's like our Palestine basically really good we've given yeah it's basically Palestine eating disorders so much pedophilia. You should stop eating. I finally got the Jewish accent. I was watching that pedophile documentary. Wait, they all talk like that? Oh man, I'm not going to be able to do it. Why is everyone watching this pedophile documentary? It's nasty. Come over here little boy. That's how they talk. They're

worried. That's how Dan Schneider talked? That's how the free, the, is it the, the field men's? Oh lands Oh capturing the Freedman's yeah yeah yeah oh I thought we were talking about the the fucking the Hollywood pedophile the Nickelodeon documentary no that was crazy but not as crazy as when I went down the Google hole of what Amanda Bynes is like now you see what she she looks crazy crazy why is she looking like the unrecognizable you know what I saw today? What?

Eddie Winslow from Family Matters. Yeah. I got this from, I follow World Star Hip Hop on Instagram. Of course. He just did a porno with a trans porn actress. That's fine. Yeah, but he's back in the news. He's going viral again.

Nice. Good for him. Yeah. Well, Drake from Drake and Josh made a whole music video going I can relate And at one point it pans over because he got molested and at one point it just did molesting too, right? No Why do you get canceled? Cuz he drug addict Underage girl underage girl. Guess what happened to him. I just saw go to his Instagram I can't he's like a he's like a TV star in Mexico now. Oh wow Yeah, they were like vamos like come come over Drake e Josh from the documentary Drake e hosh

Come over the Rick Rick e e hosh Yeah, Ricky. Oh, she's Ricky. Oh, come vamos done. Yeah, I say Jordan or done Yeah, he's like just a TV personality in Mexico now since the doc The doc did it. I don't know what did it know I guess it made a document he made a music video where it pans over to a cream for like five set like it lingers on cream and then you look up the cream obviously because of how long it stays on it and it's anal like fissure it's anal like Rub cream like when you cut your ass

says That is that's real. That's real. Isn't that crazy? What he did music video? He's a musician literally the music video it shows him going into a trailer with an older man as a boy video it shows him going into a trailer with an older man as a boy. Oh god. It's so on the nose it's crazy and then it shows him in a hospital bed and it trails over to Cream and you're like is that is that like sponsoring this music video and you look it up and you're like oh my god it's butt cream. I mean but it is like it's pretty obvious like why that industry like attracts pedophilia because it's like people who's like children who are desperate to be famous and his parents are throwing them into that like yeah if you're like the guy deciding which child it is and if you're a pedophile you're like I'm

gonna get that job the guy who decides which child goes on Lizzie McGuire and Lizzie McGuire when she auditions has to look pretty she has to kind of act like an adult in order to be funny and cheeky yeah exactly you know she has to be like I'm a adult girl and they're like I was watching the news when I was growing up I never watched any of that crap I watched a lot of it really yeah I love Drake news you love Drake's in love with them for the singer Drake of Drake and Josh. Oh, yeah. Have you ever looked up Drake's dad? I don't know.

I've never seen Drake and Josh. What does he look like? No, no. Drake is a singer's. Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course. Incredible. Yeah.

So sick. He's amazing. Have you seen him rap? Look up his rap. His dad, apparently, people are saying that his dad was getting pussy off a Drake and it was a little bit not okay how he how he did it or something who cares get pussy where you find it the fucking Drake and Kendrick thing it was like it was just

it was a huge week for white people it was a huge week for white guys Jake Velasquez shout out told me that in the wrap off or whatever it's called, they didn't even say any faggy. They weren't even calling each other gay. It was just like, was it just like analytical, emotional banter back and forth? No, it got to a place where Drake said you beat women and then he said that you fuck kids. Oh, you fuck kids is a good blow.

That's good and Drake is kind of stuck because he can't be like uh well 17 is legal. You can't say you 17 is you can't publicly say that field as you can. It's crazy Jerry crazy. It's crazy Jerry. It's crazy. That was season five of Seinfeld. That's when that was like must see TV, the number one show on television. How old was she? 15 like 17 show Shana. She had big old things. She was hot. 17 is fine. Yeah. Yeah. But Drake in this day and age, Drake can't say that if, if it is 17 every 17 year old looks like a fucking come goblin right now anyway, cause they're all getting their boobies pumped up and they're in their lip fillers Filled in and they all look

They're shaped to have a penis inserted on that speak on that Talk that old women are just becoming more 17 year old like looking and everybody's into kids now No, it's talking about that either all these old women that are trapping pedophiles They're like I thought you were 12. Yeah, and she's like no I was kidding me. We know He's like you to catch a yeah, that's like a that's the new way they do it. Yeah Yeah, catch a catch an old bitch. No, they all look like Peking duck. There's two heroes in this world Marcus Monroe, who's that a comic who can juggle really? who's married to a woman? That's 15 years older than him I love that Paul Rudd who has just a regular ass-looking wife. He's a good guy only if anything. Yeah

Yeah, love it. I mean, I think that that is a have you seen Pierce Brosnan's wife No, he's got a he's got it like a bag of shit. She's a big old gal Yeah, but she like a beard cuz like Hugh Jackman's maybe gay. I don't know but it is cool when someone has an ugly wife. It's great Yeah, I don't have that option. I Can't be like a really good have an ugly wife. Yeah, but I can't be like oh It's like look at that ugly guy with his ugly wife. He deserves that right? I can't be like look at that sexy man with that ugly wife. He must be have a heart of gold or be gay. Right. Or be a gay guy with a heart of gold.

Or she's rich. I automatically think she's rich. Or she's rich. Yeah, yeah. I go she's rich quick. But Marcus Monroe, his wife has a daughter. That's like his age. That's what's crazy. Really? Yeah. And when a man does that, That's what's crazy. Really? Yeah. And when a man does that It's very strange. It's a pornographic film. Isn't that interesting? He's a hero, but a man doing that would be disgusting. Mm-hmm. Would you ever date an old-ass man? Yeah The problem is the breath goes the breath goes pretty really smells terrible I remember that from synagogue when I was a little kid

Yeah, those old men would just blast you in the face But it's just a fuck it smell like poo poo. Yeah. Yeah, I would go 50 you go 50. That's not old What about a 70 year old man? No, no, no, you know, I just found out William Chattner's 93 years old. Oh My god, he looks amazing. I need to see what he looks like. I Need to see how old he is. All right. I hate podcasts. We're doing a great job.

Are we? What's the guy? What's Ron White posted a video where he was like, my mom died. She was 69 years old. She was not 69. In the video, he looks 85. I think he's older than 69. Oh, his mother just died?

Yeah. Yeah. People's looks can really fall off suddenly or they could just like me I'm I look young for for 37 but there's gonna be a day where I wake up and I'm just hideous. I just like look like a like a disgusting woman. Like Fran Lebowitz basically. Yeah you'll get to Fran pretty quick. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna look like a man pretty soon. I mean it's already starting to happen, but.

Really? I'm gonna go full, yeah. I'm gonna age like a Native American chief. I'm just gonna get square. How old are you? 30, almost 33. 33 years old? 33, yeah.

May 28th. Wow. So are you freezing your eggs? No. So what are you going to do? Oh, get the abortion laws changed. Have you ever caught a body? Oh, no.

I've caught a lot of loads, no bodies. I think it might be a spittoon. It's happened twice. It's happened twice. Same girl? Different girls. Yeah, I just, that's great. Yeah.

It's sad. It is sad. It's really sad. It's really sad. I'm really glad that I had to do it. It's not like yeah, I'm always worried about a go Democrats. It's sad no matter what like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The first time especially if you love the person the first time you don't then you're like fuck that guy. I'm going to have my little buddy. Yeah, I think it's the first time it happened, I was like in my early 20s. And we went and we got the address wrong of where the place was and we thought it was in the nice neighborhood and it was in a not nice neighborhood. And I like had brought the New Yorker to like wait in the lobby.

And they were like, lay that down and we'll cut it out of it. Yeah, it was all like, it was all black dudes and me and I had the New Yorker under my arm and it was just like there were guys with teardrop tattoos that were on the phone with their mom and they're like mama that bitch lyche she said it was like supposed to be 400 but it's like 600. They said it was cash only too. I had to go to the ATM to pay for the murder. Why didn't you leave immediately? Hello. Hey come in.

Hi. Welcome to hell. Why didn't you leave? Why did I leave what? And go to a different clinic. Because we, because I don't know. She went into the room. I went in with my friend while she

got a baby chopped out of her. Sucked and chopped. It was really intense. Sucked and chopped. At one point she got a baby chopped out of her. Sucked it, sucked and chopped. It was really intense. Sucked and chopped. At one point she said, stop. I changed my mind. And they said, no, we already chopped it all up. Like they put in a, what do you call it?

They chop it and then they sucked it before the pill. They chop it inside? Yeah! Chop it up, suck it out. Yeah. Sushi style. It is kind of, it is against Christ of course it is a little bad It is a little bit is against God's little bit against Christ. It sucks. Yeah, I'm for whatever the girls want

But it is like it is a little bit against Christ. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't know like Yeah, that's a horrific thing. Have you heard of this guy Kermit? Gosnell no, there's this guy in Philly who was like the, like they, there was like a, like the FBI bust, busted him and he was like the, the DIY like, like bringer of death and he was like doing like very unsafe abortion practices. I think also like after like birth he was like killing them. I think they described the scene that they walked into and it was like horrific like I'm gonna fail. I'm gonna pass out. Why do we what is the

what is podcast? What is the why do we do like I don't know. We just talk money so we could just hang we could just hang out with each other. We are hanging out and then we're just talking about this nasty stuff. We can't say anything we really want to say. And then these people are at home, and they're like, nah, where is Nick? Where is Nick? They're not saying that.

Where is Nick, the Jew? It's the Jew and the fucking, that bitch. That bitch in the Jew. They're not saying that. He repeated that story. That story was from 2018, May 3. I have it on the Jew. They're not and he's a he repeated that story. That story was from that story was from twenty eighteen May third. I have it on the spreadsheet. He said it on come town. Sov stop called him gay after he told that story. Why are

you turning all of a sudden? I just don't want to podcast today. I don't want to podcast today. I don't I'm an actress. No, I'm an actress. Now, what happened with the I'm an actor. I guess what I had one taste of the Hollywood life going in for one audition and now I've seen I've seen what I could be doing instead of this Chateau Marmont. But what about the ocean made you feel this way? What's going on? The abortion thing is because we talk about this nasty stuff on. Oh yeah, you hate the nasty stuff. I'm just sick of this. We talked about this last time you were here. I forget that you hate the nasty stuff.

It's just too gross. We didn't talk about that. So many of these comedians are like, yeah, and it's like still birthed, Gaza still birthed, prolapsed, anus got, and they're like, oh, don't, don't tell me, like, it's my first amendment right? Because if we were hanging out, we'd be talking about our friends and we're not allowed to talk about that. We'd be talking shit about people. Yeah. That allowed to talk about that we can't talk about people that's all I want to do is talk shit about people I know right it's really hard so let's just

talk shit okay first Mike Racine huge dick Ridge Wall okay let's do an ad for this. I lost my ritual. They're gonna love this Okay, oh My girlfriend said it's from restoration hardware. Okay. Gotcha. Okay She's trying to get a couch guys and now like people know you're trying to get a couch. That's fine I don't care. This is against Christ you make you do Put your penis between two giant. I don't do nothing all day. Do this. Yes, you don't care. This is against Christ you make you do Put your penis between two giant. I don't do nothing. I do this. Yes, you don't do no You lounge around hard. You just went to the Bahamas or wherever the fuck I went to Jamaica and it was because why would you go to Jamaica because I have a lot of respect for what that culture has

given me You went to Jamaica. Yeah, why I don't. It seemed odd. It's a tropical island. How'd you like it? Trump was right. We should have a whole country. Yeah. No, I'm just kidding. No, it was beautiful.

I loved it. Did you like the patois? Is that why you went? Because you got all into the Chet Hanks talk? Yes, I've been doing Duolingo patois. And I went there, and I was like, ear me now, ear me now. Nice. Disp Adam Friedland.

I did my act. I got booed. And then I did some daggering. Do you know what daggering is? No. Yes. No. It's like the dance, the sexual dancing style they do.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Where it's like just, it's just. Yeah. Did you do that? No Read the read the wallet. I did it and I hurt my penis. How long were you there? We don't have to talk about that. See we came and talk about that We can't even talk about we had a resort thing or did you stay at like a little Airbnb? Oh nice

I was with my my friends from my Jewish friends from from before from friends from from before from the day from before from before the screen Sorry, I have a bad attitude right now cuz I'm an actress is it cuz you're hungry No, I ordered you a salad. No, I had I told you I had a hamburger before this Okay, we can cut all this. I'm just telling him to to cut things it's gonna be two minutes long. That's fine That's what they get

No, I like the freakout. That's gonna be must-see TV guys the Ridge wallet Ridge launched with a simple belief Ridge launched with a simple so embarrassing guys Cut that Ridge what launched with a simple belief that they could make wallets better. I do like ridge wallet and I lost mine. So if you're listening, please two kickstarters over 10 years and over five million wallets later, they're still starting every day with that same mentality. Only now it's to improve all the items that you carry every day. So guess what guys they've expanded their lineup to key chains pens backpacks. I use the backpack the bridge commuter bag. It's very good. They have aluminum wallets. They have RFID guards in their wallets guys. They had a fucking Super Bowl ad. They're

only advertising on the show because they they they feel bad for us wallets. Uh no they've actually been big supporters of the show because they they Feel bad for us wallets. Uh No, they've actually been big supporters of the show. We shout out to rich but wallets for too long We're designed to hold everything receipts gift cards and anything else you can stuff in there I used to have condoms in there. Well years before I fucked I Put I put a condom in there. I think I had a condom in my wallet. Maybe six years before I actually had sex It's good. That's like manifesting. It's like Jim Carrey's write yourself a million dollar check One day I'm gonna use this and then I used it But it was a kind of more of a solo situation. Yeah. Yeah practice you ever do that jack off into a

Into a condom. Did you Yeah. Practice you ever do that Jack off into a into a condom. Did you do it after health class? No, when they gave us condoms in health class, I went home that day afternoon, jacked off into it just to feel like what it's like to wear a condom. They turn one to put you on Mike and give you a voice modulator. No, no, no. Do you want to do a voice modulator like a like a we're doing a documentary yeah, and then did he invited me to one of his pool parties?

He told me he wanted me to be a rapper. I said I've never even rap before. He said don't worry about it. Get on the couch. They turned they turned basically wall. They turned everything on on its head. What is it? I can't even read anymore. Oh okay, okay for too long wallets were used to carry everything like gift cards and anything else you could stuff in there. And then they turned it on its head. They turned that on its head. What does that even mean? The copy's bad. It is really bad. Is that like break dancing? Yeah, they turned it on its head. They turned that on its head. It's a great

company. With their minimalist first approach to design, so carry less and live more. We have a lot of friends that use these micro scene uses it huge cock The materials guys are solid quality products that and they use quality materials Basically their approach is material first Which I don't know what that means, but it sounds that sounds good. Yes good. Yeah, it sounds good Yeah, you can't feel it also you think you're gonna not be able to feel your back pocket, but you sounds, that sounds good. Yeah. It's good. Yeah. It sounds good. Yeah. You can't feel it also. You think you're going to not be able to feel your back pocket, but you can't feel your back pocket. Yeah. It's the, it's the micro penis of wall. Yeah. You know what? Multiple girls have told me that like a guy has brought, no guy has taken it out

and they're like, they're like, they felt bad enough to just let him a hundred percent. Yeah So mean to say not uh-uh I've had a tiny penis unveiled and I've been like I'm gonna do that so nice. Yeah, what am I gonna do? Get it out of here I've done I've said get it out of here to a big dick because that I don't feel bad for one time I had a bad day and a girl I was dating gave me a two-hand. And I was like, you don't need two hands. But it's so, she did it to be nice. Yeah, that's really nice.

I'm like, that's really nice. It's awkward when you try and do the two-hand, but they're not a two-hand guy, because then you, you know, I have too big of hands. I can do a little bit two-hand. If it's a child. But Ridge Wallet, never mind. They, that's, it's a great everyday carry. So they've taken their innovative design and material approach to create products that

you can rely on. The items you carry every day are your tools for better living and make them something that you can count on. Oh, look, look, look. Ridge Wallet key thing. People love this key thing. I love this key thing. I hated it when I first got it and now I really love it. thing. I love this key thing. I love this key thing. I hated it when I first got

it and now I really love it. Yeah. You walk around, you got jingle jingle in your pocket. It's got good torque. Yeah. It's torques. Look at that. That's a phenomenal what, you know, I have these keys bouncing around, you know, and when you're sneaking up on someone from behind that, that completely blows your cover you're sneaking up on someone from behind, that completely blows your cover. So you can use one of the- Can I ask you if, is this funny? Every other culture calls-

Promo code taffs, ridgewall.com, discount, ridge.com, promo code taffs, go ahead. Every other culture calls- I don't like when you talk about different cultures. Every other culture calls sneakers like tennis shoes, basketball shoes trainers and we call them sneakers what do you mean every other culture is different parts of America they say we're sneaking up on people what yes let's go yes there's something there but like it's not a cultural I I mean in like in like, Ohio

They probably call it as something like a yeah tennis shoes or something. No, I don't think it's like that. Oh Yeah, dude Pete's the best wait, what do you say I have a joke about black people that they are loud Okay, good that they are loud, but it's just cuz I have a joke about black people. I have a joke about black people being loud, I apologize. And- Being loud. Yeah, cause they are loud, they're loud. And it's just cause white people have been scheming since the beginning of time.

Oh, okay. That's the joke. So that would go good with the sneakers. Thank you, Pete. So they should learn how to scheme too. Yeah. Sneakers are for. That's what the sneakers are for maybe

you stop calling them basketball shoes you quiet the fuck down beats my biggest fan I love this he's loving it yes great he's loving me all day he's loving it I'm doing nothing to him a mic P you want to you want to Mike in the in the control room? P is the food here. Yeah, where's that? Where the salads? How'd you get we have enough No, no, we'll get we'll get like in another five minutes five minutes and then we could have salads talk shit about people Okay. Okay. That sounds great. Just like sex in the city kind of yeah yeah. Oh, you've never had anal. That's what we're doing. Have you ever seen sex in the city every season? Me

too. Multiple times. Who's your favorite boyfriend burger? Thank you for asking me. He's the best says burger burgers. The best says burger. Yes, when she hits him in the face, I hate a pet. I hate Aiden. You know he's back on the new show. Yeah I know. They had to kill big because he sexually assaulted everyone on. So you want to know something really honest. Yeah go ahead. Big same exact thing. No big. He's a multimillionaire and he has a driver but it's the same dynamic. What do you mean. With the. He calls you at. He's like, hey kid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's divorced

Yeah, he has a driver. Yeah, he died on Peloton. Yeah He sexually assaulted everyone on set 100% I Don't see you that way I see you as a Steve but everybody you always say if it's an Aiden or a bigger a burger Yeah, and plenty of Aiden's is the best because he's also a writer and he's just he's just like this bitch is doing like like a Shitty writing about getting her ass fucked and stuff, and he's probably really good at writing it probably drives him nuts Yeah, he was too and also Ron Livingston. What happened to that guy great actor? office-based band of brothers. He has a

show now. What is the show? It's the show that you clicked the other day that we watch for two seconds and we're like oh it's really bad. Remember no no no the other one. It was two seconds long. I forget what it's called but burgers the star of that one. It's called something. It has like an adaptation cover. I don't know. Wait so she had a dream and then got mad at you from the dream You can say it quietly. No one's hearing you Yeah, what is it? Why do they do that?

They know that they but they all I've I think it happened to me two months ago. Yeah There's so mean in the dream. Also there is some honesty to it. It knows who they are in your dream and it is completely uncharacteristic in the dream because you just watch this person do a thing and then you wake up and you're like, I can't really deal. I don't want to talk about this. This is so gay. You brought it up and now he's he wasn't here to defend himself. I stood up for you. I stood up for you.

I know that it's stupid to get mad. Who do they think they are? If you see somebody in the dream do something bad and you wake up and they're next to you, it's hard to not be like, oh, hi. Oh my God. You know what I heard recently? When one person starts checking the other person's phone,

it's because they've either already done infidelity or they're considering infidelity. So they wanna catch the other person. I've never checked a phone. I've never checked a phone either. Because anytime I've accidentally seen something, I always find, you know what I mean? Like anytime I look over in any way,

I always hurt my own feelings. No, I know sushi. You see sushi? No sushi. The first time a girl ever asked me for a picture of my penis, I said, I said really? And So I just took a picture and she's and I didn't know that. Flaccid. Yeah, it was flaccid and she said She's like, I'm you kind of ruined my day she was I was like, oh, I didn't know that.

It was when that technology had just started. Yeah. You know? On a razor? Yeah, I sent it on a chocolate. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I sent it on a sidekick.

Nextel beep beep. I sent it on a, yeah, where you at? Yeah. Chirp chirp, where you at? Yeah, yeah chirp chirp. Where you at? Yeah, I've never really been I get dick pics sent to me all the time from unknown numbers all the time really. Yeah that's Very smart brother Yeah, it's the same person and I block him and he keeps doing it really. Yeah

What if it's someone you know? We got to entrap this person. I've tried calling and being like, leave me alone. And then I just. You called the number? Yeah. It's kind of funny just to lead with that, just a penis. Like eventually you'll be like, all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, fine. It happens all the time. He said he got my number from Tinder a long time ago. But then I looked it up and that it wasn happens all the time. He said he got my number from tinder a long time ago But then I looked it up and that it wasn't in the history. I saw on the street There's a there's a guy in a car and he was street harassing a girl street harassing I got street harassed today, and I yelled at him great, but it's kind of a little foot. No I got really mad What do you say he was like what's up beautiful, but and I was like stop

I was like please stop and he was like no you with you on it. Have you got it? And I was like, what are you doing? You said do you want to have sex? No, but he was Sorry, yeah, there's a guy in a car and he was he was just playing his saxophone and I was like get away from he was playing saxophone at you. Oh fine. Oh fine. Yeah. There's a guy in a car and then he clearly didn't have his bit prepared. Yeah. He didn't have his lot. He didn't have his line ready. He just saw the girl and he got so aroused that he was like, oh, I gotta say something. And then he goes, he just goes, please, please, please, please. And then she stopped and she's like, what? And he goes,

why are you so beautiful? That's what he said. And then he drove away because he was so embarrassed because he didn't have anything prepared. My favorite is- Why are you so beautiful? A couple weeks ago a guy drove by me and he goes, what's up? He was like, what's up baby? And I turned him because his window was right next to me and I went, what is wrong with you?

And then we both were so like jarred by my reaction that we both just started laughing and he was like, I'll see you. And I was like, bye. This is good. It is like a little bit like, I't know it's like no cuz it's never Guy it's always from a gnarly dude, and you're like I hate that you're even considering me as an option I want you to not even see me. I want to blend into the linens of New York, you know They don't want to arrive on your radar

It's the the batting average of those guys, it's gotta be very low. I don't know. I don't think it's ever worked, probably. I have friends who have fucked like Uber drivers and stuff. Really? Yeah. A booba car and stuff?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. You know, he was a doctor in his country. I know, that's why she did it. I told my dad I met a doctor. One of my friends fucked a, Chloe fucked a FedEx delivery guy. Well, that's like a that's a kind of a fit, you know, like sex is important thing, right?

It's an AIDS thing. It's that's how you get HPV. It's not good. He's doesn't exist anymore. I'm sorry for saying AIDS I shouldn't have said that HPV That's the thing that it is only so girls. Yeah, that's so funny. You have it too. Yeah, but it doesn't do anything to go. It's really fucked up Didn't have a fish tank that wouldn't happen. Yeah, I mean I guess like What was I say? Oh, yeah, the batting average has to be low but like I Don't understand like oh I went to like I told you I went to a lesbian bar Yeah with two lesbians.

Yeah. And I was like, let's go to the club. And they were like, there's just one bar left in New York City for lesbians. Yeah. The hole, the bottle hole. The cubby hole. The cubby hole. Dude, I got stalked from the cubby hole.

I went into the cubby hole with my gay friends, got a stalker, and it was intense for a little bit there. Patty, at the cubby hole. Okay, so I was there and there was another guy there. I thought I'd be the only guy, right? No, boys don't. I was like, I'm about to pay respect to the culture, and then there was another guy there, and I saw him, the second we we walk in he goes up to my girlfriend

He's like, what's up? How you doing? And I was like here of all places here I was like fuck off bro, like get like and I was like what the fuck is going on? Like this happened here and then I like keep watching the guy all night and he's going around and at first He's starting with like the lipstick ones and then he's hitting up like mad ows he's hitting up rapinos he's going mad out he's like he's got he then he starts going for everyone and they're all like you understand what this place is but like i at a certain kind of a good move do require the dick sometimes at a certain point i'm like this this is the most amazing man I've ever seen in my entire life. He is doing the right thing because lesbians do crave cock and if they're not getting a woman then they will just do that.

I don't think that. Yes, they do. I dude, my moms they do it. Not one of them gags. They fuck guys? Occasionally my mom, my biological mom, she'll go get some strange. Yes, right. Because they don't have vanities. No, but at a certain point, it's like that guy, like what happened? And then I went up to him again. I was like, what are you doing?

I just have to know. And then he was too drunk to even explain it. Oh, well, that's the answer. I'm like, is this your thing? Is getting turned down by lesbians your fetish like your is a wasted guy who wandered into a bar and went so many ladies perfect. Let's go ratio is popping here. Yeah. What's another gay bar woods woods woods is in Williamsburg. It sucks but I've been there there really but it's for chicks both gays Have songs like that like yes

Come to my window Who's is that I'll be home crow whoever crud I'll be home for Christmas is a lesbian come to my Soon come inside that's lesbian gay guys, Dixie chicks. It's like the vibe. The vibe of that place was so like, it was so somber. It was so like, like I just got to get out of this town. Like that kind of thing. It's too tight in there. But like at a gay place, they're like, you know, they're making it rain. They're like, you know, they're making it rain. They're like, uh, like, do you believe in life after love? It's too much. It's like, uh, it's a, it's a carnival, you know?

And that place, it was like, it was like, Yeah, lesbians are sad people. Oh my God. These people don't fucking care. We have to have just fucking talk. Oh my God, you're flipping again. What's going on? All right, let's call it.

Let's call it. Let's just have salad. Okay. Any final thoughts, closing thoughts? No. I'll be guys, I'll be- What's going on? All right? Let's call it. Let's call it. Let's just have salad. Okay Any final thoughts closing thoughts? No, I'll be guys. I'll be starting a solo pod called RIP Jordan Jensen Really? Yep. Is he is he in cool with that? Yeah Promoted it. Oh my god. Wow the congratulations. Thank you so much. You're all alone like bill Bill Burr? No, no, no, I have other people on, but non-comics people, it's like psychology philosophy stuff. Okay, so keep it, look out for that.

Another podcast for in comedy. Guys, I'll be in London, I think Vancouver maybe. London? Spokane, a bunch of dates, and then I think I'm gonna do a special in the fall, and then I'm going to kill think I'm gonna do a special in the fall and then don't do a special to kill myself don't do a special there's too many specials wait don't do a special you gotta wait you gotta wait don't do a spec I've been doing stand-up for 13 yeah you gotta wait what's the point of doing

it's a boom right now you gotta wait for it to calm down a boom in specials yeah specials are gonna stop they're gonna slow down and then I do my special. Yeah When is that gonna happen next year next year? Yeah How do you know Ari Shaffir sat me down and talked to me about it? Oh, are you sure? Yeah Yep, hmm You don't think another comedian telling another comedian don't do a special? You don't want it to be Stavnik and then you, oh, I have one too. Wait a second, just wait.

Yeah, but what if I have one of the finest comedy specials of all time? That's what we all think we have, but the thing is that we don't. Just wait. Ian's called live, laugh, and love? That's funny. It's wild, Wild happy and free. Keep an eye out for my special. It's called Pimp Chronicles 3. Check out wild happy and free. Don't check out death junk. What's death junk you. Yeah.