The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Mike Recine - Episode 55

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Mike Recine - Episode 55 Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@adamfriedlandshowclips Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tafs Subscribe to  @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs Sign up to Patreon for Premium Podcast Episodes and to Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/tafs/ -- LIVE SHOWS: NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows Jun 7 — Jun 8: Spokane, WA @ Spokane Comedy Club Jul 26 — Jul 27: Ft. Worth, TX @ Hyena's Comedy Nightclub ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour Jul 26 - Jul 27: Spokane, WA @ Spokane Comedy Club #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland #mikerecine

I'm not sure what to do with this. Hey everybody, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast. This is May 24th, 2024. It is Memorial Day. So thank you to the flags of our fathers and the letters from Iwo Jima. Yeah. Both sides. You gotta respect both sides.

For sure. Yeah, because there's Memorial Day and Veterans Day. Everybody does this every year. Right. But Memorial Day for the dead ones. The dead ones. And then Veterans Day is for the- For the dad ones and then veterans days for this. Yeah For the John McCain's of the world

The pussies who couldn't handle war that's got kidnapped by the Japanese yeah Imagine going to war not dying. That's so embarrassing. Yeah, who is the a POW of? Vietnamese yeah, yeah, yeah it would be funny to be in a POW camp Vietnam war and you're like What the hell are you guys? What was this I don't even know you can't be doing this to me. I don't know yeah Where are we what's that you'd be like? Where are we where are we what are we mad at? Yeah? Speaking of where are we I will be in Spokane, Washington in

Two weeks seventh and the yeah seventh and the eighth you know yeah, yeah, I don't apparently I don't know my own dates Now I have a break for a while. That's the only thing I'm going to plug Philadelphia was fun. Thank you Philadelphia. Yeah, my sister was gonna go to that show, but she heard her back Okay, so she couldn't make it what happened. I don't know Kyla told me that she heard her back But she really wanted to see you know okay. Yeah, yeah people were very nice. I was like Philadelphia They're very nice to that club. They're nice people at helium at helium. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good room Mm-hmm, yeah, and. Yeah. It's a good room. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I got some dates. I'll be in Charlotte on June 2nd. And I'll be in Irvine, California June 5th.

You're doing the Irvine improv? Yeah. Which, I don't know, that's a big room. It's a big room. It's a big room for Microsene. Well, it's a big room for fucking anybody. I don't know, they got me going back there. I'm like, look, I sold those tickets one time.

Yeah, yeah. You know? Right. I mean and I think you've kind of bled the stone of My quote-unquote stand-up career. Yeah, yeah, you just never know though. It's my last year in the entertainment industry Yeah, oh yeah, I've been thinking that too. It's I mean at what point do you just pack it up and say okay? I'll go back to being you're like this shit. Yeah this is for children I already bought playstation well it's not even I'm not even gonna pretend like I'm above it uh-huh like but it's okay to fail at things yeah you know yeah and I'm gonna be gonna do the thing like hey I made it farther than a lot of people no I failed I don't care yeah now I am going to do drugs right I'm gonna fucking get drunk and drive my car yeah and whose fault is that

society you think about what you would do what you would uh you think about Right. I'm gonna fucking get drunk and drive my car. Yeah, and whose fault is that society? You think about what you would do what you would uh you think about what kind of career you would go into? I'd line my way into something. I mean I had to go back to Yeah, yeah sales maybe people are like what would I do work at McDonald's? Yeah, no I would get a fucking municipal job Yeah, fucking line my way. I'd find somebody I could be friends with. Sell sidingiding not even sell siding I would just say like get me a job at the Parks Department yeah and then I'll be one of these one of those like cool older black guys dresses like a pimp yeah but then he's just like he's like the he's like the comptroller or something at the Parks Department all right and he

collects eight hundred million dollars a year and overtime yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna be that you could I could I I could probably be the most handsome guy at the sanitation department. Yeah. You know, just get a nice haircut. But that has been your dream for a while. Sure. Yeah.

Those are coveted jobs. Garbage man, people don't really know outside of New York. They don't, yeah. That's like, if you're from Staten Island, it's like fire department, sanitation, then cop. Cop is like three. Yeah. You know.

They look down on cops. cops yeah garbage is higher than police But garbage, but to be one of the higher-ups in the in the sanitation department like and not have to handle any garbage You get to like wear a suit you get to go to Tony's you get to work at Tony Soprano's office There was a girl that was like friends with that whole like Chapo set who is from Staten Island that told me one time that her Dad was a Like she was from yeah, she was from Staten Island and her dad was like the fireboat captain. Yeah, which like Why the fuck are there boat firefighters? Yeah Because I guess if there's a fire in them on a boat just fucking it's already. Yeah water already What are you? Just turn it over? Yeah, or just

You know yeah, that kind of doesn't make any sense to me. It seems stupid to me, but what do I know? You know yeah, what do I know? I'm sorry. Yeah, you're right official story two planes 17 buildings Yeah, I don't know yeah, that's it makes a lot of sense. Yeah, yeah fire boats anyways She was telling me, yeah, her dad had a lot of guilt about being one of the boat guys instead of one of the truck guys on 9-Eleven. OK. Yeah.

Yeah. But why didn't he take his boat and sail up to the? Because they're pretty close to the water, aren't they? Because it's not a real job being a seafaring fireman. Yeah. That's insane. That's an insane Mm-hmm. That's an insane thing to be.

Mm-hmm. What do you think the garbage guys... That's like being a bathroom chef. Right. You know what I mean? Right. Like, I cater bathroom events. Yeah.

I guess that's not really a fair... That's not a good analogy. No, but I see what you're going for. Yeah. Right. What do you think the garbage guys were doing on 9-11? Do you think any of them stopped and... You don't think any of them tried to rescue any people for right? What do you think the garbage guys were doing on not 9-eleven you think any of them stopped? And you don't think I even tried to rescue any people right? The garbage man. Yeah, well what would they do I like it out of the truck and wave yeah people like

My fingertips are all burned up from the 9-11 fires. Yeah. So that maybe, perhaps they were doing that. So you just went to Europe, how was that? Yeah, it was good, it was nice. You know what I love about like, you know when you go to Chicago, you just kind of hop off the plane, you get right on a train. That's like every city in Europe. The public transportation is, if you like trains, I think you'll like Europe. And the airport in Madrid was very big. I was surprised how big it was. Spain and hot water right now?

For the, for the, for recognizing Palestine. For recognizing Palestine. What does that mean? Yeah, so much stuff is happening right now where it's like. Oh this all means nothing Yeah, like there is no you can really just do whatever you want in the world. Yeah I mean, there's this whole I like first of all, I didn't even know international law existed. I'm learning that now, right? I thought that companies Basically the last hundred years how it works is there's a race to build a nuclear bomb uh-huh we did it first right

we get the bully the world yeah Russia managed to do it by stealing our ideas and so then that's what created you know like the Cold War yeah and now other countries have bombs are we the only ones with us in Russia the only ones with nukes But everybody's got allies in Canada's got some India Pakistan China North Korea Okay, North Korea just got them recently, okay, and I ran wants one right But they Israel's had them since the 60s or 50s or 60s right yeah, right? Israel's gonna nuke themselves I think France was the third country Okay, it was the US then Russia then France. Okay

That's fun. Yeah, I just eating ham sandwiches on a on a nuke. Yeah. Yeah Like take lunch Madam Croc croc croc miss crotch man croque monsieur Clutch my that woman's Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc Croc That's kind of how it works. But now there's all this, reading all the news now, it's like, oh, well, there's the International Criminal Court, and they handle charges against individuals. So they've gotten arrested. The prosecutor has requested an arrest warrant for. And the Hamas guy, too.

But it's like, leave him alone. Well, that's kind of an out for him. My understanding is that guy is just, he's like, just leave him alone. Well, that's kind of an out for him. My understanding is that guy is just, he's like Shredder basically. He's just down there living as a big rat man, sending these turtle guys to go fight the IDF. Right, right. And like, so what is, like Netanyahu,

he's probably, he's eating like caviar right now. There's people dying and he's like, oh, you know, whew, long day at work. Time for my, time to plug myself into the dick sucking machine and watch my 85 inch TV and eat caviar. And like- He's watching Brett Gellman. Yeah, he's watching Brett Gellman sketch comedy videos.

And, but the other guy, he's been, literally been under he has not seen the Sun I don't think there's that one picture of him on like a couch like a fucked up couch surrounded by rubble right and he's like Big you know like guess who you didn't get but then he's been in the sewers like in this Underground tunnel complexes since the war started he presumably hasn't left Gaza, okay, and if there is an arrest warrant like His best option is just be like okay fine. I'll stay in trial. Yeah, that's what I would do if I was him Yeah, they like okay, right. What's the worst try to get me? Yeah, right?

Then I just go that'd be funny. He's like John Gotti In Switzerland the guy already spent 22 years in prison in Israel Yeah, you know right he's been out for five years. Yeah, and then he did this yeah, it's honestly kind of awesome Yeah, wait remember that guy imagine being that much of it like a Bart Simpson Like he can't when he was like 17 he like killed something like this is awesome He killed like an IDF soldier and they put him in prison for 22 years. He gets out and then he's like 1200 people dead. Yeah, how about that? Yeah, and then now they've now they've just completely destroyed Gaza Yeah, cuz this guy's you know

Yeah, it's all him. But yeah, I see that seems like to be the, that would be the move is just to surrender to the ICC. That also completely fucks the United States and Israel diplomatically, you know, in terms of their international standing. Can you imagine the fucking White House having the answer to that? Yeah.

Like, okay, so the Hamas guy willingly surrendered to the ICC to stand trial for these war crimes. But, so do you not support that? You're saying that, like, they don't have jurisdiction there? It's basically an impossible bind to be in. Right, right. The U.S. would have to say, yes, we do not believe in a system of, you know, like where the rule of law applies to everybody. At that point, because they're already, they already kind of have to deal with Putin, because he supported the ICC arrest warrants of Putin,

but not the Netanyahu one, and that one's a question of jurisdiction, I think. Okay. You know, but in this case. Yeah, I guess our boys just keep winning. Who? Our boys in Hamas. I'm not really a Hamas guy. You're not? No, I'm sort of, I'm more of just keep keep winning who our boys in Hamas I'm not really a Hamas guy. You're not no

I'm sort of more of like a Hezbollah kind of guy has was pretty cool Hezbollah is awesome. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I like that. I like that. I was Rala's kind of like He's sort of like fat Like he looks like he loves snacking Yeah, videos are awesome. Yeah, I'm into that. Yeah videos are awesome Yeah, see the video their videos are like I heard those guys train really hard to training is not fat They got jet skis and stuff. Yeah, yeah hard wheels. Yeah, like if I met them, they would yell at me for being too fat Yeah, right. Yeah, they're kind of fancy. Yeah. Yeah, they're they're like proud boys kind of okay. Yeah cool. Yeah

Remember that a few years ago there was that guy that killed a bunch of people at like it was like a summer camp in Norway or something and And they put him in prison they put him in one of those like you know Swedish prisons and he was complaining cuz he like didn't have playstation Yeah, no, and there's Bradwick. Yeah, there's Bradwick. Yeah, that story isstation. Yeah, no Anders. Yeah, there's rabbit Yeah, that story is fucking awesome. Dude. Yeah. Yeah, it's really cool. Yeah. Yeah, that's how that's how nice their prisons are But that's yeah fucking what's his what's his face has to look forward to it's good No matter what prison he ends up in in Europe. It's got to be better. It's gonna be better than where he is the sewer yeah

Yeah, like you why you have nothing to lose other than making the United States look bad. Which isn't that the goal of terrorism? I guess, yeah. Yeah, right. So go for it. You think he'll go to prison and be like, can you make this look more like the sewer? Like I wonder if he'll miss the sewer. Yeah.

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Visit bluechu.com for more details and important safety information and we thank bluechu for sponsoring the podcast. Boy, how many swastika flags do you need? Yeah, and then we're back. And then I gotta mentally prepare for this next read because we have a new sponsor and I'm worried about fucking it up. Yeah. Ah it up. Yeah Anyways, yeah, what year were you born Mike 1987? Yeah, it's 88 for me. You're the dragon Okay, I thought you're 89. I thought we're two years apart 88. No, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so it's

I'm the year of the rabbit rabbit. Yeah, it must be a very bad year for me, and I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it. But I guess that's good. Yeah. This year's supposed to be bad for you? Yes. Yeah, to be sort of humbled by things. But that's how it works, I guess.

This might be the best year of my life. Yeah, but you have a family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. It's still not great, but it's better than rather you just get it. It's not great, but that's better. That gives you something to live for. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good. Yeah. Yeah, it's still not great, but it's better It's better. That's better that gives you something to live for yeah. Yeah, you know yeah spite can only really take you so far Yeah, and then it's not even really worth it after you know you would think

revenge Yeah, that's a great way to live your life right That's a great way to find happiness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good motivator. Nope, I guess not. Yeah. So tell me about Europe. How was that?

Yeah, I mean, you know, there's trains. It was easy to get around. You know, the shows are pretty good. Like Amsterdam, the crowds were kind of quiet. And some guy came up to me after the show and he was like they say They said Dutch people are like autistic So I kind of like lower my expectations a little bit and just sort of you know But they wanted they had me do like an hour every every night. It's kind of a long time to be on stage

You know American shows are great. You do 45 minutes, and then you're and then you're done. Yeah, yeah, oh they force you to do an hour They force you to do an hour. Yeah, why can't you just tell them to fuck off? Isn't this I'm sorry isn't this the land of being lazy These people these people they work what 12 hours a week at the right and they want me to like what the fuck Yeah, why did you only do a hundred metric minutes of comedy? You are supposed to do Whatever the fucking hour is in there bullshit clock right there bullshit Yeah, well I tell you what I mean I certainly hope that World War three is a common

Okay, yeah, yeah Who do you think you see the sides lining up? No, just sort of like an implosion of I think it's just you know the we're overdue for something big This country seems done to me seems done. Yeah, it seems done. Yeah Which I think that'll be fine, I think well, I think we'll survive I don't know how because I don't know like I would Just go to my parents house in Jersey and like wait it out. Yeah, but you walk there. Do they have a mortgage? What's that? They have a mortgage? I don't know who's gonna what's gonna stop people from just taking their house I think you have to have a gun

I think you have to have a gun and you have to know how to use it. Okay. Yeah I think that's ultimately like cuz we did our we already did a revolution Yeah, and like yeah, it was 300 years ago, and those guys were racist yeah And then also too I only found out recently through everything I find out is through like infographics on Twitter Uh-huh, but yeah the founding fathers were all like 22. Yeah We're all like 22. Yeah, yeah There's also there's a rumor that George Washington fucked Alexander Hamilton. Yeah. Yeah, well, I don't know if that's true Okay, I wouldn't I would not say that that seems disrespectful

Okay, sorry. Yeah. Yeah, sorry to the founding fathers. Yeah, but no I say that too It's like that crazy that they were 24 years old like that's like a detriment and you think about it It's like my brain definitely worked better back then sure and it's like oh but I was so like naive and I was passionate about all these things that I don't care about it and I'm like yeah that means I'm an old piece of shit yeah that doesn't mean that I'm like I'm wise now and so right and and so I've learned that it's anything like oh I'll get better as I get older because people peek when they're... No, no, no. But I don't think that's true.

You turn into more of a coward. Yeah. You become less functional. Mm-hmm. And you're a coward. Right. And it's uh... And yeah, you're scared because you can't, you can't, physically you're not there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look at old, like the way a lot of... you could see it, you see it when you're younger. Mm-hmm. Is like, and I guess there's, you know, you maybe describe it as boomers or whatever but older men That especially if they never had a family they never did anything Where they'll get into the it's not just war history It's pretending like very soft there too much of a pussy to even steal valor They'll just like use the NATO alphabet

You know what I mean? Like they're that level of like, you know, like they just need something. They're like, maybe people will accidentally assume I was in the military. Yeah. Maybe if I start saying yes, sir. Right. Right. At 47. Maybe they'll think I was in Grenada. Yeah. Right. I learned a bunch about the post office. People think maybe that guy's a veteran yeah, yeah, or I grow the right kind of mustache and And it's a very sad thing to get to that age and you have no money And that's the only thing that really matters you know and you have nothing to show for your life. Yeah, and Do you there is no wisdom? Yeah, that's law. That's a lot. You're supposed to peak when you're like 26

I think that's what most mathematicians peak. Yeah. Like really, nobody does anything in math after like 27, 28. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And then you look at what's happening to a lot of like Gen X people and it's like they don't really... They don't seem to get better. A lot of those older Gen X guys seem like they're stuck in like, you know...

Late 90s, early 2000s. Yeah. They don't really evolve, you know late 90s early 2000s yeah they don't really evolve you know yeah yeah they don't I guess yeah well I don't know what I'm gonna do uh-huh probably fucking TRT that's like why you have to do it okay the only option is like maybe just try to get jacked again. Mm-hmm Are you still vegan? No, I had to stop doing that. Okay, it's hard, right? Yeah Yeah, I mean I can explain why I stopped but it's boring. Yeah, unlike the rest of this Like the rest of this podcast which has been just just a firestorm of amazing content.

I forgot, I just realized I left the AC on. I don't think it matters though because we're using the dynamic mic. Also as soon as we started I just like, you know when you had to take a dump so bad you can feel the shape of it. You already know what it's going to look like. Like you have to take a dump so bad you can feel the shape of it. You know what I mean? Like you already know what it's gonna look like. Like you have to take a dump that bad. You're like, oh okay, yeah. I see what we're working with here. That's kind of the zone I'm in right now. Have you shit your pants recently or as an adult?

I never do that. I don't really do that as an yeah. Yeah, I haven't either But I feel like I'm like do for one. Mm-hmm. I feel like one's coming. Mm-hmm And I'm not I'm not ready for I don't know what to do Mm-hmm. I feel like very recently I shit on the floor a little bit right before getting into the shower. Okay, okay And if it had been 30 seconds earlier, I would have shit my pants. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I kind of sort of a mission impossible style Sure, you know like Indiana Jones getting his hat shit my pants yeah yeah yeah I kind of sort of a mission impossible style sure you know like Indiana Jones getting his hat like that sort of that sort of thing yeah yeah and then you sit right in the in the shower is what you're saying no I just it was shit on the floor then I took a shower and then I cleaned it up

after I probably should clean it up first okay then I could have just done up first, because then I could've just done it with my bare hands. I could've just scooped it into the shower with me. Yeah. Is your son still shitting himself? He's old enough now. No, he's going on the potty. And it's weird, because you have to buy them a tiny toilet first, right?

Yeah. That goes on. I remember that as a kid, learning how to use a small toilet So now he's got like his own seat, but yeah, he did have we got we just got rid of the little toilet Mm-hmm, but that's funny because it's just like a little bowl. There's no water in it Yeah, so you got to like dump it in the toilet and then what? Yeah, just shit on the floor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just have him shit on the floor Yeah, it's it's I

Think if I had a child I would litter box train them. That's not a bad idea. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know Why more people don't do that? Yeah, he It's hard to like wipe a kid's ass I didn't realize when they're sitting on the toilet because you don't really know what you're doing. It's much easier I wish I could like lay him down on his back and wipe his ass like when he was a baby Mm-hmm, but it's hard to like get back there with the with the wipe. Yeah, you know yeah, yeah That's reminded me of something so it's like I guess what I'm saying is I can't wait until he's like a

Older and gets injured in a car accident and I have to change his diapers. And I can lay him on his back. I'm trying to, god damn it, what was I thinking about a second ago? I don't know, but that happens to me all the time. An anecdote I had. Oh yeah, on show. I'll be on stage and I forget what I'm supposed to say next.

Oh, I do that all the time. And then I have the worst instincts, so I'll be like, oh, so fucking Israel, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just looking, I just silence worst instincts. I'll be like so fucking Israel. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Just looking at just silence. Yeah, 300 people. Yeah, I'm like I'm getting paid $270 for this actually it's also I also don't care Like there's a that's the worst part is you get older and you find yourself in situations where you should be mortified or humiliated Yeah, and you just don't give

should be mortified or humiliated. And you just don't give a fuck. And then you feel bad about not giving a fuck, because it's like, well, I should. I should. You know, I should. I shouldn't just be a fucking laughing stock. But then it's like, why not? What the fuck does it matter?

There is no reason to continue living on this earth. Right. Anyways. Yeah, one time my grandfather... Shark tank. There was a guy that came on with like a... He's like, oh, it's a toilet seat for like kids. But then it's like modular or something. And they immediately clocked it. I think they were like, wouldn't a kid's penis just get caught in the hinges? Like they don't use those words. Like you're looking at it and you're like, yeah, that seems like that would just cut his dick right off.

I don't know, what was the thing supposed to do? I don't know, it was like a modular, it was a thing so you could leave it on the toilet and then the kid could use it and then you know, it's like small. It's like a it's like a two-size toilet seat or so Okay, so the middle part has another smaller toilet seat in it that you can also put up, okay? Now we're out and he has to pee I just I just take him over to the nearest tree and he goes and pisses on the tree That's a big time Chinatown move. Is it? Which I don't I don't I'm not I don't do that

Yeah, I was in Chinatown and there was a lady holding her son's penis and broad daylight. Uh-huh canal Street Wednesday Yeah, fucking middle of the day just holding his penis. How old is the kid? He had a shirt up doing And his pants are down He's like 11 He's like holding and he's peeing on the ground and she's holding he's like 11 He's like holding and he's peeing on the ground. Yeah. No, he wasn't 11. He was like, you know, I don't know Ages ages really? Yeah, so you could have been anywhere from 2 to 37 years old Yeah, I'm not gonna do that But it would be kind of nice if you could because they don't really know like, you know how to aim Well speaking of having a son you parent you strive not to be yeah for example the mom who refs from bleachers

the dad who loves gifting punny shirts or the parent that gets a little too excited about spaghetti Wednesday so we all plan to be the best mom dad we can be and this you definitely don't this is taking way too long to get to the point here. Yeah, I don't want to mess with your bag. You should probably have life insurance right? Sure. What happens if something happens to you? Yeah.

Young Benny, he has no one to hold his, help him wear the bathroom. Yeah. You know, they probably don't want me saying that either I had a call with the with with these people and I was like I don't know if you want me doing Say anything Drive my best yeah guys life insurance is very important okay, and you should have that's it's responsible You know you got people in your life you worry about them Yeah, and you think the best who listen to show have people in their life who work doesn't matter get a life insurance policy

Everybody's got somebody yeah, and life insurance is awesome But we yeah, because it's like then like you're you know you're taking care of somebody And you don't really have to do anything mm-hmm there that they have to pay out all this money and the problem is that it's very hard to sign up for. So there's a company called Ethos, just like ethoslife.com slash tafs, if you want to use our promo code. Ethos is easy online life insurance. And you can get it. It's affordable.

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In a way where it's like after like, you know, not something that's a concern of my waking life Yeah, and that's the benefit of life insurance, right? I can't be like well, what's what's gonna happen to them? I better make more money. No, I'm done. I tried as i can i can't do it yeah i'm burned out yeah and uh... and that's what life insurance is for and uh... luckily you know i don't know how to do i don't know how to do it so you can go online it's simple to sign up for they ask you some questions you know they say the are you assuming it's like are you a smoker or something and I just say

absolutely not in fact I'm going to live for a thousand years yeah and they say oh great they're like do you ever drive on the highway and close your eyes and see how long you can do it yeah never I don't take any kind of risk-taking behavior no you don't do that when you're driving what's that you know you're never driving on the highway and you like close your eyes No I took my pants off in my car. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was like I was like nobody could see me I was in the highway and I do anything weird but I was like, let me just what if I was just completely nude, okay? Next to people I thought it was hilarious. hilarious. I was like 17 at the time.

I was like, no one has any idea that I just don't have pants on. Yeah, yeah. Sort of a little British comedy moment for me. He's got no trousers on. He's operating the lorry without any trousers. OK, so ETOPS is a life insurance provider they provide life insurance for you and it's very important.

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Yeah Be the parent you want to be get up to two million dollars in life Term insurance in ten minutes with ethos answer a few health questions and get your free quote at ethos life comm slash tafs That's et hos life comm slash tafs. Yeah, don't be the effing are who gets too excited about spaghetti night Mm-hmm, you know get term life insurance or ethos today help protect your family and two mil. Oh, that's the description Okay, I think I Did that correctly yeah, it was good. Yeah, that was great. There was a charity I think a long time ago where it's like you could buy animals for like a third world family

You could buy like a family a cow Or you buy them a goat yeah Ox oh yeah mm-hmm yeah and then so you I was looking at the brochure one time and you could yeah you could do like a cow or goat and then you also get it for you get an Egyptian family He is such a beautiful bird. Beautiful bird. Yeah, they're Gilbert Godfrey parrots.

You can get a family of falcon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're kind of cool. Yeah. A parrot. But you could also get them guinea pigs. I think that's kind of funny because they would just eat the guinea pigs. Yeah.

You know? So it's like, here you go, here's lunch. Oxfam offers edible guinea pigs to families Yeah, that's the thing. I don't really understand Kate Bullock booked me on some like Gaza benefit show uh-huh Last night forgot. I agreed to do it. Yeah, it's like also. I think your audience is gonna hate me. Yeah but I went and did it and it's like the whole premise of that is it like we're just Like I'm just doing Janice or like stand-up comedy at a genocide. Yeah Were you raising money or I get but how much money are they raising right right in lounge?

$12 It's like well, why don't we just do nothing? Yeah, why don't we just write a check? Yeah, that seems to be better than me going and bombing in front of a bunch of people that look like they hate me. You're like, free Palestine, so I'm having trouble getting my wife pregnant. I think it's the vaccine, folks. Right, that's the other thing too, is you're still just doing stand-up. Yeah, it's not like you're not like I mean You're still just doing stand-up. Yeah, so it's not you have Gaza material The audience is wearing the cafe, and then I'm just talking about Apple vision Pro

Yeah, and then that's supposed to help. I don't understand Yeah, how it works right, but I didn't watch the other sets on the show It's better to I don't know you want to do you want to feel like you're doing something. I guess I don't know no I don't because I know I'm not doing anything. I know the world is a dark, evil, hypocritical place where you're powerless to make any kind of meaningful change. In fact, you're so aware of how powerless you are that when you see people trying to make a difference,

it makes you angry and you resent them even more than the people actually committing the atrocities. Because you say, how dare you you know I mean it's like better than me. Well not that you even think you better than me, but you're You're furthering this delusion because otherwise we would Ferment the necessary kind of anger to just You know kill all of the people that do hold all of the keys. You know what I mean?

If everybody was like, this is hopeless. There is no democratic solution here. Voting is doing nothing. All of this supposed free speech is doing nothing. Right. Setting myself on fire didn't work. Yeah, that's why I always thought it was funny, the idea that people say that even to describe societies as authoritarian,

that there's some difference between a democratic society and an authoritarian one. Not to say that democratic ones are also authoritarian, but it's the opposite. That we can't help but have like a type of democracy, because in the authoritarian societies, when they fuck up, they'll just kill you. The people will rise up and kill you. It might take a lot. You can probably get a lot of them before they can get you, but it'll happen. You know, they always like topple. And it seems like that in the long term is less oppressive than a system where every six months you go to the local

Elementary school and you press a button and then you're still funding a genocide. Yeah There's nothing you can do about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know, yeah It's almost like you have more power. Maybe you do a benefit show, right? Right exactly when they're killing your family you have more power. Yeah, right.'m going to vote against killing my family. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're so cucked. I know yeah.

It's a terrible world to live in. Yeah. Yeah. Are there any like video games that are out there? Are there any video games that are good now? I don't know. I don't really know why. Do you play?

Are you playing? No I'm just wondering like what you... Kurt recommended that Helldivers to game Okay, but I'm not yeah, I haven't been playing that at all. Okay. Yeah So no, I don't know anything about it. I don't know what it is Have you seen any movies that you like? What's that hat from that's a restaurant? It's a Sahadis. It's like a grocery store Yeah, you're's it's like a grocery store

Yeah, you're wearing a hat for a grocery It's really good. It's on Atlantic. Yeah, I'm not being paid to you know yeah, then they didn't give me free hummus to Only like kind of recently fat. I feel I May be going all in see I don't know I feel I keep feeling like I'm losing weight Yeah, I know maybe maybe you might come back to earth, but I don't wear your grocery store hat is help right yeah I mean yeah, and it's like It's very inch of all the types of people because it wasn't like fat people weren't a type of people until Lizzo And uh-huh that made that's also is that still happening?

Like I know like I feel like because this is I feel like they're with this thing that's going on There is like kind of like a cultural upheaval. Mm-hmm where? Like, you know, we had to analyze we spent ten years analyzing microaggressions and learning about the damage that can happen when you like a fucking like a squint in front of an Asian person. You know, like some stuff that's like this is the this is the worst thing that could possibly happen. Yeah. And now we're like witnessing a historical atrocity.

You know, that we're all paying for. And now it's like suddenly that's up for debate. And so like, well, you know, yeah, we don't and now it's like suddenly that's up for debate and so like well, you know Yeah, we don't know we can't we don't know right like how do how do we really want to describe? What's going on? Maybe is it justified where literally any kind of minor grievance was front page news Yeah, you know like four or five years ago. Yeah, and So I don't and I'm trying to bring that back to the fat people thing It's like I don't think like out of that world we created fat people as an identity

Uh-huh, and now it seems like that might be the first one that's like dissolving Where people are like oh actually you're saying I'm not like a protected class anymore I think they might be done, and I think it's just because Lizzo got, she sent back Seamless. Yeah. I was watching an old Med TV sketch and it's Michael McDonald playing like a car dealer and Paul Vogt comes in as a fat lady who's trying to buy a car. You ever see that? No. I'm sure it's hilarious. It's really funny. She's like, I'm here to buy a car and he's like, well we don't have any vans or we don't really sell vans here And then she like gets in the car and he like calls 911 and he's like hi

There's a woman stuck in one of my cars right now, and then she gets out. He's like oh, thank God She's actually must add some bacon fat Smeared across her backside yeah And that's just the whole that's the whole sketch. Maybe I'll get back into watching mad TV Maybe that'll be the answer yeah as far as yeah, it's good stuff Yeah, have you seen tie tires premiered? Yeah? I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it I'm excited. I went became a cable guy a couple years ago, okay, and So I don't have Netflix anymore. Okay, okay. Maybe I'll be torrent.

So what are you watching, like, Bar Rescue and... Um... HGTV? A lot of, like, you know, just like ten minutes of... different movies here and there. Okay. Yeah. That's mostly what it is.

Lifetime Movie Network. Yeah. My 600-pound life. Yeah. Show about dwarves. Yeah, yeah. My 600-pound dwarf wife. Okay.

Yeah. That's cool. 600-pound dwarves. I had my 600 pound dwarf wife. OK, yeah, that's cool. Six hundred pounds dwarves. I had an idea for a movie the other day. I was thinking it's Martin Lawrence and he plays a mentally disabled man in South Carolina in the 70s. OK, that becomes an assistant football coach at a high school. Right. And they like at first they bully him, but then they bring him on. They're like, oh, let's bring this guy on

Yeah, as an assistant football coach and stars Martin Lawrence and it's a comedy. Yeah, and it's called black radio That was a good time for actors When they were allowed to do that it's yeah, right Yeah, and so yeah, so it's radio But it's the Martin Lawrence, and then you called black radio, and it's a comedy okay. Yeah And he's like hell nah Yeah, how about that movie the other sister with Juliet? That's great movie. Yeah, yeah, my favorite part about it is that like Giovanni, Robisi is just playing himself

It's like you can't even tell that he's like doing yeah, they're like no you like showed up in a dog costume It's like yeah, you're just a guy that likes marching bands uh-huh. You know and he's like yeah, no problem Yeah, well you gotta listen this This music that I love I Like did I like I like I like, I like, I like the sousaphone. You know? Have you seen it? I like parts of it.

Oh, okay. So you haven't even seen the movie. No, but I remember like- You're just bringing it up to make me walk the plank. Well, I remember the trailer and the- And doing impression of Giovanni Robisi as a mentally disabled man. I thought that was good. And then you go. I haven't seen it I've seen like parts of it, and I remember that but I was making a larger point about you know actors They don't let actors play

You know yeah, yeah, and not for any other reason that one joke in Tropic Thunder, right? You know that kind of? Sealed the deal mm-hmm. That was sort of the end the deal mm-hmm that was sort of the end of it mm-hmm yeah yeah but I tell you have to find twins with Down syndrome I will be playing a mentally disabled man it's in Spokane Washington okay whatever the comedy club is called there please go get tickets I don't even know how that's selling yeah no don't care yeah't care. Don't know, don't care. You said one time you were like, the less effort I put into things, the better they go.

You said it must be like a Chinese thing. I think so, yeah. Well, you've got to be, I mean, you don't perceive it. When you're struggling, it's because life and time is just a violent river that just sort of passes you by the more passive you are the easier you can navigate it because you're gonna die one way or the other sure you know yeah but yeah the last two years I feel like I've worked very hard and it's yeah it seems to have not worked out well Right hmm. Yeah, but or it has I guess it's all comparative. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah

Yeah, it's kind of like cuck to be working hard though. You know so we're trying yeah Yeah, in a way yeah, especially when it's perceived as those people not working hard either right like no No one can perceive the effort either so yeah, Yeah, well then what am I doing? Yeah? Yeah, but to be like doing homework. I don't want it. I'm like I'm trying to be mr. Positivity these days I think the world is a bad place, but I'm good sure yeah, yeah, you know yeah, I'm okay for the most part I should turn the air conditioner off, and I should have taken a dump before we started the podcast hmm So you didn't get to take a dump I haven't okay

Do you want to pause this you know take a dump? No Lev kind of already let the cat out of the bag, but I when I go on the road I'll take Kratom to Just get through Being on stage because I still don't really like it and I don't think I ever will okay It is it is like that's not a thing I think I'll ever get used to some people love it performing some people always be standing in a room in front of 300 people staring at you yeah, and so I need something, but I can't drink anymore right and help take the edge off

Yeah, but it does work similar to like an opiate where I won't Mmm. I won't go to the bathroom for a while, for the entire weekend. And then I get home and then it's, I'm like, oh boy, I know I'm going to pay for that. I know I'm going to be punished for that one. Today's episode, speaking of travel, is also brought to you by Ridge Wallet, who now has a whole line of luggage. Okay. Yeah. wallet who now has a whole line of luggage okay yeah let me see let me see go to the website

ridge Ridge What's the part of stand-up that you that you do like They got look they got Yankees Wallace. I Don't know I mean I gotta say I don't like it But there's you know when you like riff something out this new on stage. That's it though Yeah, you know it's like the sec the second is joke is like you already came up with it before then I'm like alright well Yeah, even if it does well again. I'm like yeah, Larry Yeah, I already did that yeah part right you know

It's it's nice. Yeah, I like that nap in the hotel room Yeah, I like when you guys for an early check-in at like 9 a.m. And they go yeah, I think we can accommodate that yeah Yeah, you know sometimes they act like a real asshole for doing that sure okay, so ridge wallet calm They got a lot of they got baseball stuff, so we got ridge Branded wallets they got a key holder now. I've had a Ridge wallet myself for years. They're one of my favorite sponsors and they're doing a big push for Father's Day. They got a Father's Day sale so you get 20% off. And then if you use promo code TAFS, I think you get free shipping and then maybe some additional kind of money off. But their Father's Day sale, I love this wallet. I'm sure

your dad will love it too. Maybe you can get Benjamin to get you a wallet. Yeah. Yeah having get you a Fucking wallet they got rings now, too Okay. Yeah, so you can get married to your wallet So you get married to your ridge luggage? They got 30% off their travel kit, so I guess this is like a whole set. Comes with like these fucking cubes, these modular cubes. And I'm a modular guy. You know me.

I love for what is modular. That means you can build stuff. Yeah, there's like, you know, there's different components all change. Right. When I'm in the airport, you get people into thinking I may have been in the military. But I'm explicitly saying it. I love to show off my modular gear. All kinds of Velcro patches and shit attached to my stupid fucking body. And just so they're like, wow, was that guy maybe, obviously he wasn't a combat veteran,

but maybe he delivered mail to the other soldiers or did something along those lines, just anything other than being a fucking podcast guy. It's something, maybe something respectable, who knows? And I tell ya, I really make it work with these packing cubes that go with the Ridge Wallet. So you would start with one cube and then you can get, you can build to a, you can configure it like it's a house? Yeah, I like this stuff, I like I do like their shit

I kind of want I mean I got this this is not rich, but they're the King crab orange yeti does so that's so that's back right because because they got a yeti store down the street I don't know if you saw that. Oh, I didn't know yeah They got a yeti store down there filled with king crab orange shit, okay? Yes, I had one of those that color a few years ago if the subreddit knew about this they'd kill themselves if the Yeti guys with the things those guys have gone through to get their hands on the king crab orange merchandise yeah and I'm just here just a New Yorker higher than a pig on shit uh-huh just fucking buying this stuff just drinking out of it this is my

drinking yeah this is not this isn't part of the the private collection at home. Yeah for the other men who survived testicular cancer This is my bring this around I'd dang it up Yeah, I don't care cuz I can always go down the street and buy another one. You can't. If you're living with your fucking GI bill money in fucking Louisville, fuck you. The official mug for men who've survived testicular cancer. Yeah, anyway. But yeah, Ridge Wallet has stuff that matches the King Crab Orange thing.

Okay. You know, so that's cool. See, they had King Crab Orange. Okay, you know so that's cool See they had King Crab Orange maybe like three years ago because I had one Look at these colors tell me those aren't they're nice very matchable Yeah, if you're a yeti guy and then when you're at the luggage carousel, you don't have to worry about some Biden administration official taking your luggage, you know Yeah, just if you're not worried about yet, like an incomplete fucking creat-a-skater. An incomplete first time smoking weed creat-a-skater stealing your luggage. Does he still have a job in the administration?

I have no idea. It was so funny. Because it was like a big deal, right? Yeah, but the job was like like they were like the fucking like Like just like an administrative assistant in a mailroom. Yeah, like the Department of Energy I mean it was like not yeah, right like they had like oh, it was like the head of the department I don't think so right. I mean I wasn't like they just paraded him out there to be like look who we got look What yeah, yeah, right? Yeah? Which like how do you know they were stealing luggage? I mean they seem so confused to begin with Yeah, they could have thought it was theirs yeah

You could be that guy he could have been like beep boop beep boop boop Yeah, I really I really want this luggage So maybe I'll email the guy and ask him to send it to me because I really don't that's the main thing I don't like yeah stand around at the carousel and look at me with I have to pick up. I can't my brain doesn't work I can't remember. Yeah, what my bag looks like so I have to pick up almost every Samsonite bag and I unzip it and I look in the bag Shit only one type of bag People are like excuse me. That's mine. I'm like well this my shit? There's only one type of bag really. Yeah right, exactly. People are like excuse me that's mine.

I'm like well now I know motherfucker. Right. What am I gonna do? After I've licked the contents a few times. You probably stole all this shit anyways. You're probably a thief too man. Yeah. That's the thing too when you get to the gate and they go there's not room for your bag

you want to check that. You go uh I don't know it's gonna get stolen. I got a shit so damn bad dude this sucks. But anyways ridgewallet wallet comm slash ta FS I hate it cuz I say I spend days not even being able to shit Uh-huh, and then when I finally have to it's always like something always comes up right right you know yeah, and that's the struggle yeah You could probably you could probably Know we'll have to be have to give a little bit of breathing room to our friends at Ridge

I wouldn't want to end the episode with an ad read sure that would be annoying to them. I will just I'll say this I recently saw I guess I haven't seen anything. I saw challengers in Civil War. I want to go see both of them. How were they? Both good. I like both of them. Cool. Yeah, yeah. I rewatched the Mask of Zorro. I wanted to reshoot the sauna scene from Challengers.

Okay. Did you see Challengers? No. There's about two guys that are- What happens? Two guys that are gay? Well, they're not gay necessarily, but they grew up together in boarding school playing tennis. Okay.

And then a woman comes between them and they develop a rivalry a tennis rivalry but it's also this kind of love triangle sort of thing okay and the the less dominant of the two the one that's kind of like a slow burn kind of guy who like the first guy he fucked the first guy's fucking the girl and he's like not caring about her and the other guy steals the girl from him and then the the guy steals the girl from him. And then the guy who steals the girl in a slow kind of approach, he eventually becomes this great tennis star, whereas the first guy is just sort of like a layabout bum that never really made it to.

And so they have to play a match. I don't know how tennis works, but apparently the best guys in the world of tennis just still have to play like the new Rochelle Tennis tournament, I guess. So that's what happens, and they meet up in the finals. tennis just still have to play like like like the new Rochelle tennis tournament I guess right right so that's what happens and they meet up in the finals so the whole movie their backstory is intercut with them playing this this tennis match okay and I'm gonna make the move with my brother but a piece of cheesecake comes

between us okay so this is still leaning into the fat identity that's barely a joke that's barely a joke you're just like yeah you wait all that time be like you know I make the same movie but it's a it's a candy bar me and my fat brother fighting over a piece of Reese's fucking cups anyways sorry there's a scene where I do feel like I'm losing weight though yeah you do actually look thinner thanks and I said I'll say this welcome back Welcome back welcome back to society Anyway, so there's a scene where One of the not gay men goes into the sauna and the other guys all sweaty and he's waiting there

And if the old first guy I guess he's got a bigger cock than the other guy So they don't show you his penis They show you his ass and everything else and he's like fucking like saunter and up to the other guys like you ready for the match Tomorrow, you know, it's very Tom of Finland kind of yeah Yes, homoerotic scene nice, but I want to reshoot it and he just comes in he's like dude Is that the king crab orange 46 ounce yeti rambler? And there's me and I go you goddamn right it is Is that the King Crab Orange 46 ounce Yeti Rambler? And then it's me and I go, you're goddamn right it is. And it's me in the sauna at lifetime.

Yeah. Great. Yeah, with the nicest. Anyways, ridge.com slash tafs, ethos life insurance, bluechew.com, folks. Microscenecomedy.com.

Microscenecomedy.com, I'll be in Spokane, Washington. My special's up on YouTube on normal. Check out Mike's special and I don't know, either I'll see you guys next week or maybe I'll be dead, who knows. Yeah.