The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Rufat Agayev - Episode 58

Episode Date: June 14, 2024

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Rufat Agayev - Episode 58 See Adam in Vancouver: https://bctickets.houseofcomedy.net/event/adam-friedland-special-presentation See Rufat on tour: https://www.rufatagayev.com/7126393-shows Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@adamfriedlandshowclips Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tafs Subscribe to  @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs Sign up to Patreon for Premium Podcast Episodes and to Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/tafs/ -- LIVE SHOWS: ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland #rufatagayev

I'm not sure what to do with this. Welcome to the Adam Friedland show podcast. How's it going guys? Nick is on location right now. He's actually he's working on something pretty cool. I know I say this all the time. I'm not I shouldn't have said that to the audience. Nick is not working on something pretty cool. But guys I am joined. Actually my the guest this week on the premium podcast he said he said you need to have this guy on the show. Literally Sam talent man Sam talent cosign is a big thing. This is Rufat Say hello to everyone Rufat Agaia. Hey, how's everybody doing? I feel like you thought too much about your outfit for your first Adam Friedland show No, I just wanted to do something a little more spicy. You know what I mean? It's like I don't know about spicy It's you tackle vest. It's the white man bulletproof vest. I don't I do you have mollies and

Bulletproof vest I don't I do you have mollies and Zans in there have you ever sell drugs? I did I've only I've only done weed and mushrooms And I just got a little joke only done weed or much and much. No, I meant sold them. No, I've never sold drugs I got into Christianity way too early in my life. Really you're straight edge Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, even a banjo is pornography oh that was your one advice yeah yeah yeah yeah how could you not um it's tough yeah I guess so I was really there's no like yeah there's no stopping do you have you haven't stopped since I think yeah I'm too yeah until I can suck my own penis, I don't think I'm gonna stop. That's pretty much what I'm working towards. Yeah, Sam was like, yeah, you gotta have Rufat.

He said he saw you in Denver opening for Joe Perrin. He's like, who is this guy? That's a big cosign, dude. That's a big cosign. He is him, man. Like, when you told me that, I I was like you're geeked off of that I was look I was a little geeked because he He's one of the few people that I like I watch it. I'm like shit. Yeah, you know you covet

Yeah, like oh, okay, and I I need to I need to level up now. I need to I need to Rid myself of all worldly, you know fun and activity and I need to rid myself of all worldly fun and activity, and I need to get good. And to actually get good at this. Yeah, no pussy, until Sam Talent sees me. Yeah, I think a lot of the time, how sad I am that Patrice is dead, because he would've loved me.

He'd be like. I would've been his favorite, I'm pretty sure. That's every new comedian, or every comedian's worst thing that they could do for their Comedy is try to be Patrice O'Neill. Why is that? because to be Patrice O'Neill you have to like Experience all the things that he experienced life on the inside be showing him

Yeah, have the same voice have like it's just, there's so many different formulas. Spiritually I feel like I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like you can't, you just, you ruin yourself. You try to, trying to be him, you know? Spiritually I think the way I talk about women on stage is pretty much, I do word for word, Patrice Spitz actually. No, you know, I got actually called out at the comedy store

by Ari Shafir and Joe Rogan for for for doing uh doing that thing about About how there was an African guy named Kulu in the audience. I was saying I hate your name to him I was saying I was like Kulu Have you heard that bit? Of course that was on like I don't know what album it was on, but it was like, it was a crowd work thing. Yeah, he went off. He's the best ever. Dude, I, it was so, Mike Racine and I, I think we're in Nashville and they have those like, it's one of the worst places in America. It's like- Really?

Yeah, it's like- Then why did Taylor Swift move there? She's racist. Well, no, it's like New Orleans, like I want to do New Orleans but with less jazz people. I don't want the jazz people messing up. You don't want jazz? No, I think I meant black folk. They don't want jazz style people. So it's just the absolute fattest bachelorette parties. Just like you see these you see these just fucking Vince Willforks walking around

But one of the things they do is they have a tractor trailer and then you just they they literally go on open top tractors And do like a booze tractor thing like listening to get low by little John They literally move these move these women with farm equipment. They need industrial farm equipment. But Racine and I were joking around about renting one of those out, and just the two of us somberly listening

to Besta, Patrice O'Neill on women. Just like a, a Patrice, yeah, yeah, just like on the street loud, just using the sound system to listen to petrines Just the elephant in the room or something I do want to say guys I haven't been on the regular episode in a while But I so I haven't got a chance to plug my tickets for this weekend in Vancouver tomorrow I will be in Vancouver British Columbia, and I've sold about 11 tickets over go see over 17 shows Someone on Twitter was like what if I buy all the tickets and then don't show up. I was like, yeah

He's gonna he's gonna Drake you know, he tried no he's right. I was like, yes Buy all of the tickets. Who did Drake do that to? He did it to policy he did it to 50 cent or 50 cent did it to somebody If he did it to Jarl and it was like a stadium over man. Yeah, these guys they need to they need a squash I love I love that uh that Milwaukee Bucks halftime show that he did who's our rule fucking with him What happened? He got booed he was just like He didn't get booed. He got it was worse. He didn't get any have you ever been a Milwaukee No, I think we were talking about it. It is it's like a Joe's a big-time fan really favorite. It's like a

it's like Segregated like one block you're like in Williamsburg the next block you're in like like Chief Keef Chicago Wild Hundreds oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I didn't realize it was like that I thought it was like beer and bratwurst and like what are fat people not Kyle the guy from the Black Lives Matter the shooter this is a yeah what's his name Kyle yeah written house written house I don't need I feel bad even saying the name. That's so I don't care. I don't know his name. I don't care. I don't care what the court says Kyle I'm gonna look at the camera. I think you're a bad boy still. I think you should have I'm gonna win it back I'm gonna redeem myself and and give you a deep cut

Milwaukee person cuckoo cow give it up for cuckoo cow in my projects who that You didn't watch BT in there in the midnight. No, we have an audience of racist Cuckoo Cal, give it up for Cuckoo Cal, In My Projects. Who the fuck is that? Remember that song? You didn't watch BET in the mid-90s? No, we have an audience of racists. Oh, okay. What are you saying? Well, of course I know who Cuckoo Pooh is. Cuckoo Cal.

Cuckoo, wait. In My Projects. I am the walrus. He's a Milwaukee rapper. He is. And what does he rap about? How he's in his projects. Oh my word, you're a Milwaukee rapper. He is. And what does he rap about? How he's in his projects. Oh my word. You're a former rapper. But you only rapped about Christ? No, no, no, no, no. I did a whole

career for the devil. I started- You stopped with Christ rap. Yeah, I stopped with Christ rap. What kind of stuff- What were your bars like when you were a Christian rapper? What kind of stuff, what were your bars like when you were a Christian rapper? Um, they were, you know, here was my thing. I was always like, I'm a rapper that's Christian, not a Christian rapper. Yeah, I'm a business man, I'm not a business man. I was trying to be cool, you know, I was like, I was trying to infiltrate the world. Like my big thing was, I wanted to like get Kanye saved and then Well, you came out Jesus walks. No, I know who's Christian. No, but I wanted to make him like evangelical like

you know Just how are you gonna do that kidnap him like Borat style? Borat I always forget is so funny when he puts a sack over Pamela Anderson and he robs Yeah, so so Rufa is also half Armenian half Azerbaijani and half That ain't white to me But that's kind of it's a beautiful thing. It's like you're half Palestinian half Israeli. They hate each other right. They. Yeah but they're you know

they got similar customs and they were. People forget they were friends. They were you know they lived amongst each other during the USS. So they weren't always so mean to each other. But you think as a half half you could go to the border and just do your set and maybe just breathe. Why? Just like you get the- Because I'm in a weird place where like a Zuri's get mad at me because you know I or not all the Zuri's but they get they get mad at me because you know I stick up I stuck up for you know the Armenians that got displaced During this past thing and Kim Kardashian is fine ass like those kind of people They ain't all like that man. Also Kim Kardashians have she's not fool. Oh, so you come on you're not trying to claim her I'm not saying I'm not trying to Jews try to claim someone with one drop who?

Fucking Paul Newman, I think he's I mean No Jewish. Oh. He's Armenian. That'd be cool. What is it? What's your, what, you guys are fighting a war over like cell phone kiosks or something? No, no, no.

Have you ever seen that video of, I think there are Armenian dudes that went to join ISIS like they were like LA gang bangangers. I gotta pull it up, dude They went to join ISIS They're like shooting sideways They're like they're like trip walking and shooting sideways wait Pete can we pause one second? I'm sorry, dude You got a P Are you got it? you dropped the dunta dun I need

my papa where my papa okay we're gonna start right. Yeah, I'm gonna find you this video. I find me the video. Yeah Armenian Isis LA gang bangers dude, it's really funny I Think they're yeah, they're like we in Syria homie I Have nothing to say about that cuz I don't know who you know I don't want to just I don't want to be found. That's just visibility. Yeah, and I'm good I have nothing those except those guys very cool

If you get one guy Yeah, I'm not like we made it this far like people where I'm from like when they threaten you they will do it You know, we're we're in Florida No, just like from around the caucuses, you know what I mean? Like yeah, but you're we're really far away Where they're gonna come over here. I mean they could take some shots at some caucus Take a shot take a shot at someone over there who me. Yeah. No, I'm good Don't you have you have like a village idiot or someone you don't like probably? Is it Borat style? That's what Americans think about everywhere that like that I'm good. Don't you have you have like a village idiot or someone you don't like probably I haven't been there in a while

Is it Borat style? That's what Americans think about everywhere that like that. We just assumed Borat They think we're like but but think it's pretty racist think about every movie that you see like somebody that's like kind of like that They're always like a sex trafficker or they kill John wicks dog. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I mean, you never could do anything We're like not even the main sex trafficker They're like one of the first to die exactly like sex trafficker number two They give it to like the like Russian guy How come you guys don't get any the sex trafficking shit cuz we're doing you guys do it cuz we're doing Cuz we cuz we make the movies you understand

How can you traffic and do the movies well we're not gonna put it in the movie we're not gonna be like little st. James the island the movie that's a little bit too close that's a little bit on the nose right we're gonna be like oh yeah it's the Rufat style guys yeah yeah yeah they're like John weak I will have sex with your dog let me John weak damn you might imagine the week we have sex with your dog let me John week we have sex with dogs he like you combine John wick with taken and he just sex traffics the dog well is that his dog is being fucked yeah have you ever seen the movie he takes it to like little breeding places have you seen the movie fuck the Paul Schrader movie where

hardcore off the Adam Friedland show no that's that's Paul Scheer that was a good show I loved human giant I tried the other day to find a sketch from human giant and could not find it on the internet My favorite sketch. I was when a human John was coming out shout out to those guys Yeah was when the guys at SeaWorld and his girlfriend like goes up to the tank and they're like we need one volunteer and he's like filming and his girlfriend like he's like me and then the the like Shamu gives her a kiss and and he's like saying there's like

And like he's like I saw you back there with him And she's like it's just a whale like he's just in a show He's like, yeah, whatever like and then yeah He like breaks up with his girlfriend that there's a really funny part where he buys McDonald's Filet-O-Fishes and he starts punching the sandwich Because he's Because it's a It's very stupid. I like the I like the one, you know Where the dude tries to act like he knows the jingle to the song

But they're like, oh you're clearly making this up then they see the on the commercial Basically, I like I like out to MTV's human giant the sketch show with a Z that launched disease. Sorry Yo, I loved Aziz back. I thought Rob Hubel was the star of that show though I always thought that guy was the funniest one he was the white guy okay not not bald fucked up teeth that's Paul Schreer he looked right as Paul Schrader yeah what were you talking about Schrader Paul Schrader well I mean you're a big fan of the Adam Friedland show you would have seen the the last I'm more of a fresh and fit guy. I've watched every single one of your black sand stand-up sets I've watched every single one of your AAV stand-up sets

You don't want to watch my beautiful talk show. My Jewish style empathetic talk show. Anyway, Paul Schrader is like, he's a filmmaker, but he made this movie about like a guy who lives in Wisconsin and his daughter's like on a class trip to San Francisco. And then she like leaves to go fuck. And he has to go to SF to get his daughter back. Oh, so it's like, it's like Taken but artistic. It's Taken but less martial arts. Taken really took it to the next level because it was like that movie needed martial arts. Taken took it.

Because that movie was more like, did you fuck my daughter? That movie was more like just an angry man just getting sad that pornographers are drugging and fucking his daughter. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Had karate. And she was in San Diego?

San Francisco. San Francisco, that's not even a good porn scene. Yeah, but maybe in those days. That's like a tier B, right? Maybe, well, that's it, yeah, I don't know about. Are you big, you're like an IMDB of porn? No, I'm just saying it's like Miami and LA are the two big ones. Who are your top five emcees of porn you got me a Khalifa

The ghost no, I'm talking about, you know, there's there's like like black porn stars that wrapped though So you follow the guys I like a yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta follow the guys You have to start to follow the guys You gotta follow the next night like you know gay stuff But it's just like you know when the scenes are gonna be good I'm a big like fan of classic black porn really fan When did that when did black porn introduced the like full naked but still having Jordans? It's not always Jordan sometimes. There's a sneak, but there's a sneakers aspect to it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I just I never

Understood the utility is it showing your feet is like a sign of weakness really show feet Thank you. That's why we have a black guest on the show today. I'm learning all times. See that's why Time okay. Yeah, and Is it for grip? I always thought it was for grip so you could hit what that's it's anyway So we want to tell you about Apple Just speculating About a good excuse Why Ebony too, it's such a it's a lovely anyway

Well, the best way to learn a language? Immersion. I'll be in, I'll be in, I'll be in fucking Vancouver, British Columbia. Do they teach you, they teach you how to speak stuff? Yeah, they teach you how to speak stuff. How much stuff do you know how to speak? Russian just give us a couple bars can you rap in Russian yeah Fridlanski show. The Fridlanski show. Got a... Got a... I love American television. Got a leather jacket. Wilson's leather. Premium, premium

grain leather. Yo, my dad just... We drive infinity. He married a woman from Russia, like he kind of like brought her over here. She a good woman. I Took them to a baseball game and she was like, why is there so many Mexicans here? Come on She can't come over here She can't come to my country and say that kind of thing To my to the best people to the best people that live here. I know okay But if it's not in the cards this year, you can still learn the language this Okay, pardon the rudeness. Guys, we want to tell you about battle.

What's the best way to learn a language? It's immersion, right? So you came to America, you were immersed. Immersed. Yeah, and you kind of, where were you? You were in like South Central Los Angeles. No, no, no, Erie, Pennsylvania. Eastside, though.

So you have an Erie, oh, you're on the Eastside, though. On the Eastside. Oh, of course. I wasn't like- I should have known you're Eastside. I'm on the Eastside I was in. I should have known your east side here. Okay. People from Erie they know guys what's the best way to immerse yourself. It's with Babel guys. One in five Americans have learned a new language on their bucket list before they die like a bucket list. That's a sad. I want to have a threesome. I want to have a MFF threesome. I want to learn a new language.

Yeah. I learned Austrian Austrian is a language dog. It's German. Come on. Okay. These guys are fucking racist. You should know that if that's you make twenty twenty for the year you finally check it off the list with Babel. Fast forward to the end of twenty twenty four. Think of your goals. What can you do right now to give yourself the best chance of succeeding. If you learn a new language you absolutely should get babbled guys be better be a better you in twenty twenty four with Babel the science backed science backed food. They got Fauci on it. The science backed language learning app that actually works don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors. That's what I would do I get a sexy girl from the country and

And I had fallen in love with her. No, I don't do that. Why? Come on love with her bro, but it doesn't matter if we speak the same language because that we speak the language of love Yeah, she speaks the language of green card Citizenship. Yeah yeah she's gonna I'm taking it I'm taking her on you to move the family over I think of Fendi Louis Vuitton that's what done yeah we go to Fendi it's so good shopping because my dad is kind of broke so she just came over here to like face more oppression really she went for it she came over here for a poor guy

Damn, she's a real idiot that girl don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors and waste hours on apps They don't really help you speak the language I actually got an app that I thought was gonna help me speak the language But but I just met a lot of guys to have sex with on it do a leap. No, it's called grinder I thought it was a language app. I Thought these guys were language tutors. I was paying them thousands of dollars and I was just getting my ass fucked. Wow. That's crazy. He didn't laugh at it. So then I felt bad. Now he's laughing. I'm where's Nick. Where is that. OK. We'll be right back guys. Oh, I gotta tell you something else after this

that I did today. Nick told me on the phone before this, Nick told me that I am an absolute psycho for doing this, and I thought it was a cool idea. So I'm gonna tell you after this. Guys, let's go to the fucking product code. Guys, here's the special, and it's a limited time deal for our listeners.

Right now you can get 55% off. That's a fucking huge deal That's crazy. That's a huge they didn't have to add the extra as as of as a Armenian Azerbaijan and a Jew the 55% I mean that's big they've lost their minds right now You get 55% off your babble subscription, but only for our listeners at babble.com slash tafs That's get 55% off at babble.com slash tafs. That's B a B B L dot com slash tafs. I Need that actually So I got an eye exam today I needed one. Yeah

No, I just went for the for the letters Things have been fuzzy. Guess what? My prescription didn't change just my My lenses were just had become cloudy because they were old really. Yeah, I just too much I just went for the dirty glass. I went to the eye doctor for dirty glasses I'm an idiot first of all, okay But I've gotten Google alerts for near me in Brooklyn and I doctor named Dr. Adam Friedland So I'm like next time I go and I've forgotten a couple times. I was like damn I gotta go bro It's not is so Nick called me today. I was like

Hey, I'm at the eye doc. He said happy said happy Shavuot, which is the Jewish holiday today that he saw on the calendar What is what is a real suck up that guy's been sucking up? No, but then then I was like, hey, I'm at the eye doctor It's I found an eye doctor named Adam Friedland. He was like, there's actually that's there's something wrong with you It's not that exciting when you meet somebody that's that's I'd never met i'd never met one I i've never met one Really? Yeah. Oh back in the back in no here you met them here. They were one took me back to his apartment We had drinks It was cool. He's like an entertainment lawyer for hbo. So he's doing a lot. What there's a powerful one It was cool. He's like an entertainment lawyer for HBO. So he's doing a lot. What there's a powerful one Mm-hmm powerful. This guy was just an eye doctor. But then the other one was a spectrum guy

He came to fix my internet. It's like yo, oh, I thought he was like autistic. I was like yo I think man autistic mate. He was a Jew though. There's a He there we got Jew we we make the Jews live in the mountains where we're from We really went to the mountains That would be awful, huh? That's like the opposite of you The mountain yeah, we just what am I gonna do it? With the winds yeah, then the eagle ate my wife Eagles keep swooping down and eating my children on a mountain. Yeah, we make them go to the mountain

It's a horrible you make them go to the mountain. That is so fucking like no, but you know as it like 1634 over there. No, no, you know, Azerbaijan Gives 40% of Israel's oil is from Azerbaijan and all the and this back and the respect I guess what the weapons that Azerbaijan used, you know against Armenia were from Israel So that sounds good. Sounds pretty good. Yeah. Well, you gotta hear both sides So and then Iran supports Armenia, okay That's an Adam's style country that's a me style country what just like also being friends with Iran No, they're not friend Iran Iran supports no, I'm saying I'm Azerbaijan. I suck up to Israel and suck up to Iran. No, no, Iran doesn't like oh no Oh, I thought they were hedging their bets

Armenia no, no the Adam saw country is gonna go with the winner, you know, it's like I'm gonna suck up to both of them Okay, whoever nukes the other one I'm gonna be like I was rooting for you the whole time I was just telling the other guy I was friends with him but it was bullshit it was a lie I've been talking shit behind his back this whole time that's a that's that's a my diplomat that's like Kissinger it's kind of a Jewish style diplomacy I think you it would be dope if you would be the next prime minister. Of Israel? Yeah.

I don't want to go over there. They're not funny. Have you ever seen, have you ever met a funny one? Yes. Have you met one funny Israeli? I'll go on the record saying this. I have not met a funny one. Man, did you see that?

What's the point of being, why are you, why are you nervous about that? What's the point of it? Why are you why are you nervous about that? What's the point of being Jewish? Yeah, I'm funny. I used to work I used to work the army going to the army no no no but look look look look But that's the opposite what they do what they do my mother would Literally kill me if I went to the American or the United States Army We don't go to armies. Well, over there they go to armies and they're not funny. Well, I work. It's the opposite. I was a waiter at this Israeli ladies restaurant and she was in the IDF and I wasn't a good waiter. I wasn't a good waiter. But she would be like, see this is the

problem with you, you Americans. You don't't go they don't force you to go to the army, and that's why you can't you don't have any character That's not a Jewish thing to say and she didn't know she didn't know That's not a Jewish thing to war and I was like how does holding an assault rifle to a child give you character? Now you're a fucking draft dodger. I'm on her side. What do you mean? You fled a war? Me? You're a coward Don't tell girls that I was fine. You ran away. I wasn't seven. I was in a fighting age. People in Africa fight people in Africa fight a five all the time. You wanted me to be a child soldier. That's so crazy. It's crazy when you see them. I couldn't because I was crazy when you see them wearing my mom

was the end like the end. They're wearing like crazy NBA like throwbacks like 2001 they have like a raffer Alston jersey where you see like like militias in Africa they got the you know the clothes that were donated and like found their way to Africa got like a New York Knicks they got a medal finals they got a medal world champion they're wearing a world shirt that says world peace while they're killing so you know like well they're like involved in a bloody child war. Not funny actually. Not funny. Anyway, here's my point.

I don't- I'm going to go back to this point because I think that this is really a good perspective and I don't know if anyone's saying this. Serving your country- Overrated? Just the term. No offense, Pete. Well I guess her thing is how can you serve the customers in my restaurant if you haven't Overrated just the term no offense Pete Well, I guess hurting is like how can you serve customers in my restaurant if you haven't served

Serving your country just sounds gay What are you gonna suck? You're sucking your country's dick. Oh, let me serve you shut up Shut up What did you do he's a Navy SEAL actually oh he's a Navy SEAL yeah oh so he's deep indoctrinated he was he got I don't know if I could say this but he was a raid on bin Laden did they give you did you ever take LSD he did he was tried to give him LSD before they ran to Bin Laden? It's so funny they crashed the helicopter on the way to Bin Laden.

One of them transitioned afterwards. One of the SEAL Team Six is trans now. I like when I hear stories about the more obsessed or not obsessed oppressed classes or people in our society When they're like on the brink like they do evil stuff Like like I like my one of my favorite things is is the Lockheed Martin float at the pride parade Yeah, like that's just a good like I don't like irony any time the CIA Twitter account says happy Martin Luther King Day or the FBI. They like killed him. I live for that. Can you imagine the bitch ass FBI is like telling your wife that you're getting pussy. That is such a bitch

ass move. Yeah. Just let me live dude. Yeah. Just let me rock. You really didn't support that statement either. No, I'm just I'm just trying to stand up for Martin Luther King getting pussy. He deserved it. He was a great guy. Yeah, I don't disagree. You know, you know who they ratted on also clean no tiger tiger FBI told you when he was he was fucking he was fucking force. Yeah. Yeah, I think America does like America does feel threatened by tiger infiltrating golf courses, right? I Don't know about that. No, he just acted too like too much like a good like people don't like authenticity That's what people like so tiger

Tiger everyone was like he's such a good guy and then we found out that oh a rich guy also is getting getting laid. Right. But like Mike Tyson never pretended to be a good guy and he's in the hangover movies even though he savagely raped and beat Robin Givens. But now we're like oh well I think he beat. But I'm not like trying to stand up for you know Mike Tyson very you know I'm just saying that like but with society was more willing to forgive Mike Tyson but felt betrayed by Tiger and it's because like they felt like oh you lied to us yeah you told us you weren't getting pussy at the Waffle Hut waitress whatever parking lot yeah Yeah. No that. Yeah. We want Tiger was my favorite. Was we're obsessed with like you know the reality Truman show. You know. Good point.

Good point. Did you say that in your set that Sam town. I'm surprised he even liked my stand up because that is one of the best. That's. I know, I do think that's really sick. Cause sometimes I do get self-conscious. I'm like, when people first see me, do they think I'm just like, yo, what's good everybody? No, but your jokes are good. This guy's a great writer.

Give me some of your Christian bars, please. Well, I don't really remember them. And the Jews put them up on the cross. No, it's- It was a Jew's fault. Well, I did go really remember them. And the Jews put him up on the cross. No, it's- It was a Jews fault. Well, I did go to the Charlie Ward basketball camp and he was on some anti-Semitic shit. Was he? Yeah.

I mean, whatever. He got in trouble. Everyone is. I got Reggie White's autograph. Yeah, I was- Do you remember when Reggie White got honored by the Wisconsin, like, state assembly after you retired? And anyway, he did something really Christian. No he was like he's like shot like Asian people they can make a TV out of sticks and he's

like Mexicans you could fit like 400 in a house and they were like they're giving him like like the state of Wisconsin was like thank you for like all your sacks for the Packers and he was like white people only care about money. He was just doing deaf comedy jam. He was just like, it was like shock. It was a whole, it was very funny. Yeah. He wanted to be Patrice bro. That was the Patrice effect. He wanted to be Patrice. Yeah. It was the Patrice effect. We're too skinny to be, you know, we can't, we can't do the Patrice stuff. It's not about the body. Although there's nothing funny about a skinny white guy Yeah, right. Oh fat white guy

That's hilarious. Stop. He just looks great. I Got I have you're just ready to laugh I have a comedian from Las Vegas that I want to show you but I don't want to I Was on another podcast before this and I don't want to like, you know I don't want to make the scene hot or make fun of anybody like, you know publicly I want to like shame nobody But I should remind me to show you afterward was Yeah Come on, just yeah. No, I can't man. I can't why but you did it on someone else's part

No, and we took it off. We took it off. You took it off. Yeah, we took it off. It's bad That's not my thing. I don't want to start beefs. I'm very hateful I did a mic once in Vegas when I was first starting stand up and there was a they have this thing the Star Trek experience Where you go in and like people are like dressed like they're on the enterprise or like Klingons there's some shit and Some guy came from his job dressed as an alien and he was like, yeah, so And some guy came from his job dressed as an alien and he was like, yeah, so, um, you know, big deal these days is a illegal aliens. Which ones the ones that you were, uh, cause I'm an alien. Oh yeah. Yeah. That was, it

was doing all alien jokes, but I was like, I asked him, I was like, did you put this on for the open mic, the 5pm open mic? And he was like, no him I was like did you put this on for the open mic the 5 p.m. Open mic And he was like no, I'm just coming from work at the Star Trek experience Living in Vegas must be foul. I mean I was just there in high school. It's pretty no It's like Florida dudes like or it's like Orange County. It's like shout out to Tarkanian Did all the houses in your neighborhood look the same? Were they like tracked housing? That's how I grew up. Where? Are you talking about in Florida?

Yeah, in Florida. Nah, in Florida I lived in a really beautiful neighborhood. Like the south side is like a historically black neighborhood because of Jim Crow. Who is he? Huh? He was a guy. Running back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He set the record for rushing all American all Jim Crow that boy could run the damn football. Who was Jim Crow. Just a lot of red. I was

wondering was he in the red Jim Crow the white guy or the black guy was a white guy named Jim Crow or a black guy named Jim. He was he he was made up. Oh, it's a character. It's like Larry the Cable Guy. Like they say like they... Yeah. You know the Larry the Cable Guy laws that were a big problem in the South for a long time? Yeah.

People had to get her done. And racism getting done. Ah yeah we got an ad guys I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this.

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I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing this. You ever try to break a bad habit and it felt like you're climbing Everest in flip-flops.

I know you you masturbate a lot. A lot. Yeah. I've tried I've tried to stop. Is it a lot or are you saying it in a stand-up comedy way where it's like you probably beat one time a day. I think it's I think which is like a guy amount because I went through so like much like trauma and I have two parents that have been divorced together five times each. So like a total

of 10 times together five times. No no I'm talking about like they both got five divorces each. Oh okay. So like I just I have probably since I was a young age I've used masturbation as deflection. You went to all the weddings? Nah, not all of them. How many did you go to? Probably like a lot of them they just stopped having weddings after a while and they just I would show up at the house and go you're married now? Did you have any like like your dad get any MILFs?

No, because my dad's always been into like really young women. Like 20 years younger than him always. But like around your age, adult though? Adult? No. I'm just saying, so a sexy younger step mom, perhaps she gets caught in the dryer. It wasn't, I hated them.

That's I think, that's the thing. Like I wasn't ever into them. I think you really missed out on, you know. On like, nah, that shit is hack, bro. So you just saw her, you watch stepmom porn and you're like, this is hacky. It's hack, because they don't know the true pain of actually having a young stepmom.

Oh, for me I watched that because it fulfills a fantasy of where my parents actually did get divorced. Oh, yeah? Wait, you got stepparents? Did you Oh. Yeah? Wait, did you? You got step parents? Did you have step parents? No, unfortunately, I never did. But my dad.

What the fuck is wrong with your parents? My dad brought her. Why are they living in the past? Well, my mom's dead now. But my dad took impeccable care of her at the end of her life. So I was really. My dad would never do that. That was a check and make.

No, it was real. But yeah. You were trying to go. Give it up for his dad. You were trying to go with the like, That was that was like wait No, it was real but yeah, yeah You were trying to give it up for his day. You were trying to go with you're trying to go with the like what's wrong with them? But I would have loved it if my dad brought home one of these milfs, you know Okay, I had a few let's cut the we got a few So have you ever tried to break a habit and felt like you're climbing Mount Everest and flip-flops we know you you've tried to What's the what's the longest you've stopped on your bad habit of touching yourself? When I was a Christian I once went 30 days 30 days

Yeah, 30 days till I had a but I had a, till I had a wet dream and I was like, why am I denying my mother? You're not like on a train, like in a fucking duster. Oh no, no, no. So you're fine, you're probably, you're a guy. But I just have like religious, you know. Just don't feel bad about yourself, you're a beautiful man.

And you know, we've been there too, Rufat especially, and here's a breath of fresh air, it's fume. It's not about giving up, it's about switching up. Fume takes your habit and simply makes it better, healthier, and a whole lot more enjoyable. So here's what it is. Instead of vapor, go cut to Rufat. He has the fume, he put a flavored core in it.

And fume uses completely natural flavors instead of electronics. It's not an electronic tool. Actually, give that a spin too, the wooden part. It's got a good weight to it, and that's a satisfying noise, right? It does function in a fidget kind of spinner sense exactly and instead of harmful chemicals They just use delicious flavors. So what you're doing is you're just flavoring your air baby flavor in my air it's it's imagine like a glade plug-in but like a

That's electronic like a imagine like a Glade plugin, but like a... But that's electronic. Like a blunt. I'm hitting the Glade. Yeah, exactly. It's like a Glade plugin, but a blunt, and hitting the Glade, which is, I think, stoners around. Is that allowed?

That's allowed? I think you can say... Hitting the Glade? You cannot, it says, do not say that it's a glade plugin. Oh my, you're lying. That's like a blunt. They said the owners of Fume do not want people to associate with glade plugin flavored blunts.

The taste, the first time you tried it, you just tried it for the first time, was it more flavorful than you thought? It's good. It was fresh. Yes. And that is the maple pepper flavor, which is like not a flavor

that you would even have come up with. They came up with that for you. And it's maple and pepper for the first time. It's like Dr. Bronner's toothpaste. You know, where it's like, is this working on my teeth? No, it says you can't. Bring up any other brands. No, they don't like Dr. Bronner's because it's like what am I supposed to read this whole fucking bottle? I Thought I crushed but you were just coughing

No, don't cut the coughing that was no the coughing is, the coughing is bad. And also the Dr. Bronner's thing, I thought, I thought that would do better because it's like, you know how they have all those words, but you weren't listening. You were just thinking of fucking your brain was just a, was just like, that's the shit I don't like. I was trying to give you a good, no, I was trying to give you a good like a snitch. That's the shit I don't like. I'm not trying to interrupt you. That's like your brain was Shit I don't like Your brain trying to be a while, you know what's happening in my brain. Yes No, it's happening in my brain. Yeah goes my hero as I look at you, dude and Sam Talins hero as well Okay, guys, it's beautiful. It's real wood guys start your year off right with a good habit by going to try fume

That's F um calm slash taffs get it your journey pack today Fume is giving listeners of this show 10% off when they use my code Tafs to help make starting the good habit that much easier. All right, that was That was one of the most efficient ad reads we've ever done. Right Pete. Pete how's it feel to be watching incompetence on this level. When you were in the Navy when you were in the Navy. When you were in the Navy Navy. Well you know your who's the who's your boss the Admiral or something so what would your seaman have said about such a herky-jerky ad read I'm sure he wouldn't have been happy what's the thing you got to scrub the desk scrub the poop deck no that's

a little on the nose wait what's the thing at the gotta scrub the deck. Scrub the poop deck? Mm-hmm. No, that's a little on the nose. Wait, what's the thing? At the Naval Academy, you have to climb like a giant, like, caulk? They oil it up and you gotta climb it, and it's incredibly bad. So at the Naval Academy, but what's the first year? The first years are named what? Plebes. The Plebes.

The Plebes. Oh yeah, yeah, the Plebes. The freshmen, they have to climb an oiled like basically a pole. Yeah it's basically a just a phallic of they have to climb an oiled phallus and they have to like get on each other's shoulders and like to touch the top. And that's how you join the fucking Navy. No I mean for real though. Shout out that more people need to start joining a Coast Guard. Why is that? Because it's like they don't really send you to war. They'll just send you to like a little like disaster area. What about the war of man versus shark? You know? What about seeing

someone, you know, get ate up, get bit up. You know, did you hear Trump's shark thing this week? No, what was Trump's shark thing? He hates sharks. For some some reason he told Stormy Daniels he's like I'd never give money to any organization that supports sharks he hates them he was at a rally and he was like he's like I he's like I've often thought of something probably because of my connection to MIT he said it like as if you know like this is a real lecture yeah this is a real like fucking Schrodinger MIT, he said, like as if, you know, this is a real, yeah, yeah, this is a real like fucking Schrodinger's cat. He said if you were in a boat that was sinking

and it had an incredibly powerful battery. I heard that, I heard, yeah. First of all, you think that you can electrocute the entire ocean. And then he's like, I'd rather the electrocution than the shark. He's like on a Tesla boat, right? He hates sharks. He made Stormy Daniels watch Shark Week in the hotel

and said how much he hates them. What's something that you've made women watch? Like what's something that, like your go to? Sopranos? Yeah. Sopranos? Yeah, every time. And I watch it with the girls.

I start dating someone they haven't seen it. I go through all of it. And I'm like, that's what it's, I like look at her and I'm like, that's what the game is all about. I'm like, you know. Watch the whole thing with them? All 88 hours?

Yeah. Damn, that's a commitment. No, no, I mean, I think it's- Is it your way to like indoctrinate them? No, I just think it's like, I mean, I watch Sex and the City with girlfriends. I do it. I do the other way I just watched fleabag with with a woman Was she a slut?

Was it fleabag is the British lady? Yeah Phoebe Bridgers Phoebe Bridges. Yeah, and what did it work out? Are you guys still together? Yeah, we cool. You're cool. We cool. We like we're in the we're in like a maybe like a grayish area We're figuring things out Let's figure that let's let's figure that out right now. You want to figure this out? Yeah All right, so she made you watch this this fucking girl show. I gotta watch more girls So you already put the work in on that? Yeah, but she made you watch this this fucking girl show. I gotta watch more girls. So you already put the work in on that

Yeah, but now she's right now. She's like I'm not sure about you. No, no, no, I think it's like right right now I'm just trying to figure out you know with like my heavy touring schedule You know, it's Sam talent ever since Sam talent found out about me I've been getting a lot more road gig This is big for you. Yeah, especially today is big Yeah, it's you know, it's gonna be crazy You know you you you planned your big closer also after the third ad that we have to sell Yeah, I have you have your big closer prepared for the end of the show big closer So you you told this girl that you're a rambling man. You can't you can't know I didn't say I know

I'm just trying to figure out. I feel like- How old are you? 36. I've been in- I'm 37. I think at this point- I've been in some relationships. I've been in some-

Let's hear about it. My neighbor said this. My neighbor's son, who's a gay man, he told his mother, she was like, Just that sentence is so funny. My neighbor's son, who's a gay guy, was telling me this the other day. No, he told his mother she was like... Just that sentence is so funny. My neighbor's son who's a gay guy was telling me this the other day. No, he told his mom. He's like a wise, like a backer, advanced style.

But he's like, Rufat, Rufat always got a girl. He always got some women around him. It's like Brian Fellow's Safari Planet Tracy Morgan? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's who it is? He always got a girl. It's like hide your kids, hide your wife kind of guy? That kind of gay.

A little kind of, yeah. Okay, yeah. Keep going. And I took that personally like, oh maybe like, maybe I don't always need to be like in a relationship, you know what I mean? Like maybe I just need to chill out for a second. Who cares? I need to reconnect.

I need to reconnect with myself. No, guys, I'm sorry if this is- I need to get my- Guys, I hope you guys appreciate this. Oh, because they're all incels. I'm going to give you advice right now. Why do you have to feel bad about that? They don't have girlfriends. First of all, they're not going to like it. First of all, they're all incels. I'm gonna give you Advice right now. Why do you have to feel bad about that? They don't have first of all they're not gonna like it

But that you're like that they're in that you're like, oh, why do I always have to have a girl? Oh They think that that's like saying I guess I'm bragging. I'm bragging. Yeah, you're saying like oh, I'm I just I'm bathing in so much Puss no, no, no, no. Oh oh I could be my own woman shut up Rufat It's better. It's better what but then to be with a look But you get stuck in these relationships You don't have any time to breathe in between like I feel like you're doing more for the person if you take your time You know what I mean, and you don't rush into things. It's just it's you know We should have a conversation there is a I'm 37. have a conversation tonight call right now. Let me talk to her

Oh, I'll do it for you, dude. No, it's I'll do it for you I don't know. I'm my therapist is teaching me how to communicate and be more open who's a very like I'm very dodgy Is it a girl? Yeah, it's a woman. I could never I I thought so too. I could never cuz I I can't fully No, but my last therapist was like a chubby Jewish man He was very jolly. I can't see a Jew either and he was he was he turned me into a little bit of a simp, bro He was like all these beautiful girls. Oh the Goyles and it's summertime now and they're wearing less clothes There were a lot of goyles in New York City. Yeah, he made me, he kind of turned me into a simp.

This new, this new- What, wait, how did he turn you into a simp? Like, cause he was like, I was fine, you're falling in love. He was like, you have to honor the feminine mystique. Yeah, yeah. You know, the divine feminine. Where is this, where is this woman therapist, she's like, no, your feelings are valid. What if she's trying to get you not to get with chicks

because she's trying to get stuck in a dryer and say, I can't get out. My friend, I would not mind a soprano situation in my life. Oh, Jennifer Melfi. Yeah, a Melfi situation. So how old is she? I don't know. But she is a little older like she's like, yeah You know back in my back back when I was in the 90s. Oh, really?

Was that around she's like a back in the day style? Yeah. Yeah, 1993 golden era hip hop No, I mean I can if it's a girl, I'm even a little bit gonna. So you think I should just keep hopping into different relationships? My grandma touched my bicep last time I saw her and I found myself flexing. Just even it was my grandma, she's 93.

Like I wanna still kind of impress girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can't fully, even if it's a nasty, disgusting old woman, not my grandma, just someone else, my grandma, beautiful. Batty? No, she's 93. I mean, yeah, she's fire. But like, was she batty back in the day?

No? No. Oh. Oh, my bad, I wasn't supposed to say any, okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, she was, she was a batty, damn. That's crazy. I don't know, how do you answer you answer that question like you see pictures of them when you were young and you're like, oh, you know Like I look I look at my grandma and I was like I was like, oh I'm thick you would clap it

Grandma like this. I saw a picture of her parents. Uh-huh like young and it was a handsome man and a big old girl And I was like I was like that. I was wondering was that people in your family I mean she was she was a strong woman I was wondering if there were different beauty standards or if he just liked it like that. Oh in Armenia No, I'm not Armenian dude. I was looking at my great-grand because I know You know our women I feel like, yeah, if you have to do farm stuff, you need an oxen. Yeah, you going back to the Borat stuff, right? I feel like, no, back in the old country, that was a, you couldn't go for some art ho.

You couldn't go for some girl on Adderall. I'm on ketamine. Shut up. We have cows that need attending. And these eagles keep swooping down and attacking us. Because you're a Jew in the mountains? Maybe. I don't know. I was just a callback. No, but I think, yeah, so I have to see a guy because I could tell a guy, I'm like, yeah, I'm a fucking loser But a girl I'm like, you know, I'm just like just try my best Yeah, I have like a much easier time talking about I can't see a Jew. I can't see a Jew either. Okay No, I get that my current guy. He's like ten years older and he said he's Catholic

He said one of the first sessions he's like I noticed you talk about being Jewish a lot Stop it, and he's like is never positive. Yo, it's dead to that shit No, he's like it's never in a pot. It's never in a positive light, and I think a Jew would just be like yeah Of course it's terrible to be so yeah, we hate this Yeah, but a Gentiles like oh yeah, it seems like you it's always a negative statement about being Jewish Yeah, it seems like you it's always a negative statement about being Jewish But you would be like, of course, it seems yeah, I wouldn't wish this on upon my greatest enemy That's what I like. That's one thing that I like about the Jews is I like the neurosis I like the like self introspection kind of like the self hate. I valid I like that

That's like the thing that I loved about Jerry West how much he like just was like angry died Yeah, it killed apparently really did kill him apparently he was upset about that show winning time he was very he wanted to know if he was actually that big of a dickhead he was was he yeah he had a bad anger problem I don't know these guys haven't watched sports they're only just racist they don't know about sports they don't know about hip-hop they don't know anything anything. No. Just give us some bars from Christian rap. It's a crisis because men are Christless. We grab mic devices to save the unrighteous.

So you're more like a lyrical style. Yeah, I was lyrical and lyrical. It was like a boom-bap kind of 1990s. Yeah. Yeah, we taking it back. We taking it back. We definitely taking it back. Yeah, I was back. I grew up in the backpack generation. Do you think it was the greatest story ever told?

The story of the Christ? But isn't that story just told everywhere? You know what I mean? But is it the best? I just don't think it's the best story. It ain't that good. Boogie Nights is better than... A lot better.

Than Geez. Sopranos is way better. Some guy... Ridge Wallet is even better than... Oh shit, I love Ridge Wallet. even better than. Oh shit I love Ridge Wallet. I can't get enough of this crap or not crap. Great products. This is yes Ridge Wallet. They've been big supporters of our show. Am I allowed to hit the fume while we do in the ridge. Of course. It's a great product. Ridge. No, not condoms.

Are you a magnum guy? Me? I like the magnums. Yeah, in middle school. Really? Yeah, back in middle school I was. You don't get magnums now? Well, I know you're hitting it raw,

but I'm just saying, if you were, were you magnetizing? You're a magnumite? I haven't had sex since seventh grade. What? Yeah, I was one of the first I've had sex in seventh grade What yeah, I was one of the first and you get six and seven grade. I was sex in fifth grade Yeah with all the every single girl Dude that I remember in sixth grade two kids had sex and I went home and cried because I was like we're just kids I Like had it hit puberty yet. I was like why we now we we're doing sex I was like I don't even have pubes yet yeah did were you

tracking it were you tracking the my cycles yeah I want to know when I was no I swear I was like tracking my ovulations yeah guys I was tracking whether I was when that what whether I had pubes like so long. Oh my god, I was so late. I was clocking it, bro. I was clocking it. Full bush like 10th grade. But the moment I even got some hairs, I was like, yes! I was so happy. I went back and listened to the whole Slim Shady LP.

I was like, I got a hairbrush, I did a little Lainey Kravitz action with my thing. I was sagging. you put a scarf on it Yeah, I was a front sagging. My mom was like, can you put your pubes away? I was like, sorry. I'm a man Tommy He'll figure back briefs No Kirkland signature, let's talk about Ridge guys Jesus-cred we're being sloppy with these aren't we Pete. Pete don't tell Nick and also everyone watching don't tell Nick and come to Vancouver this

weekend. They launched Ridge the owners of Ridge with a simple belief that we can make wallets better to kick starters and over 10 years later and over 5 million wallets later. We're still starting every day with that same mentality. Only now it is to improve all items you carry every day. So basically, you know the Ridge Wallet? Yeah. So it's like, it's basically, you know, I walk around with a wallet,

I got the pocket constitution in there, you know, I got magnums that I've been saving since seventh grade the last time I smashed. The ridge ridge wallet can fit some magnum No, no ridge wallets like come on. What are you doing with all these receipts go raw? You got a you got to strip it down to that. That should be the new tagline ridge wallet go wrong Well, guess what they what wallets for too long were designed to hold everything. I had an NDA in my wallet an NDA in my wallet. I had an NDA for Post Smash. Post Smash. Yeah.

I'm like, I heard famous guys have these with chicks. So they're like, I don't even know. J. Justin Bieber and JB. I was like, I've done some open mics recently, so I need you to keep this on the low because I'm starting my comedy journey. So I'm going to need you to sign this NDA. Yeah, you're doing it. I'm doing I'm gonna need you to sign this NDA. Yeah, you're doing it artist's way.

I'm doing artist's way, you gotta sign the NDA now. Wallets for too long were designed to hold everything, receipts, gift cards, and anything else you could stuff in there. We turned, oh they turned it on its head with their minimalist first approach to design. Minimalist and design, those are two words. You're like

that's Apple. That's Apple. That's Apple. That's the iPhone. That's that's what's carry less and live more the materials you cannot build better quality products without quality materials. So basically they have these shits out of aluminum titanium fucking the Terminator of wallets carbon fiber. Guys they've but they have more products than just that they have backpacks. I use the backpack every day the commuter bag. They have keychain is the backpack flat. The backpack is is it just like a great material that like you could be in a fucking hurricane and your shit won't get wet. I shouldn't make that as a claim Guys they have items for travel carry-ons

Guys go to Ridgewall calm use promo code TA FS you'll get a nice fat little discount and tell them that Adam sent you and and It's Father's Day get it for your dad. You'll get it for get it for get it for your dad Get it for you. He's been bringing milfs around you and you forgot you forgot about uh to be erotic with them I'm just saying if your dad ridge.com Tafs I'm just saying if your dad, you know fell short as a father. Mm-hmm. There's no better way than smashing. Yeah Yeah, I got morals, bro. I don't know I For some weird reason yeah, it just I think he respect you he respects me. I think he would respect you

Now they'd be like listen. He's be like listen your man. No, you got a full bush This is your Azerbaijan bar mitzvah You just you just you just smashed my mouth You know what it hurts But I'm proud of you Has he ever said that before? No, you should try It's so sad guess what guess who's not gonna get get caught hanging around you who right the MILF after you Have sex with her in the laundry room. She's not gonna be like let's day think we have a laundry room

In the you come from a different type of Class, huh? You come from we have a washing machine is a laundry rooms. It's just the garage. So I guess yeah In the laundry room slash garage. Mm-hmm. There's oil stains on the floor. She's not gonna want to be like Rufala's date She's gonna be like don't tell your father's but see I'm not told me that he had he told me he had Be he live in Florida. I when I say when he say Florida, I think Miami I have to come to this shit place st. Petersburg It's not even like the movie spring breakers said it would be I Thought I'm James Franco

No, and he has he has cornrows and put the guy I put the gun in his mouth And I suck it like he make make him suck like penis and remember also Gucci Mane was in that movie and your father he's a bomb and I've been flashing poos at you every Thanksgiving's what the fuck do I have to do if anything he would respect you for the first time, Ruffat. But instead, I have to flesh titty. I have to walk in shower, watch you masturbate. Why masturbate when you could have all of this? I was in a war before this.

Nah, she wasn't. I was born in Chernobyl before this. I have three pussies. I'll let you hit all three holes, Ruffat. This is crazy. Ruffat, which one today? My friend's brother. When I was in college, my friend's brother. It was more like torture than riffs. I'm sorry It was kind of rude Pete was like Pete like he's killed people Rose battle-style

Naval kind of comedy my friend my friend His older brother when we were in college he came to visit and I was like, what do you do? He's like I work at the Tyra Banks like she had a talk show Oh, yeah, she had a show called Tyra that suit. Yeah. Yeah Classy he was like he was like I was like, is it funny? He's like, she's a fucking psycho, dude But um, they they had an episode on ladies with someone wrote in said I have two pussies, right? And then came on the show it was like yeah, like the thing about me is that I actually have two vaginas and then people start writing in the show and that's when they had seven

ladies with two pussies and the intro of the show is like before you today, 14 posts. She said you have seven women and 14 vaginas. You're a do you remember that intro to the show? Remember that thing on a that's that Galifianakis special where he's like Yeah, it's very funny. I'm sorry. I love that. Yeah Seven women and 14 words pain, but she was like so serious She was like staring at the camera. She's a maniac. Yo, she was crazy Tyra Banks. She still I was smashed any any woman If they're consensually, yeah

Would you smash my stepmom? I don't know what she looks like Can I see pics of all five? No, no, this is power rankings. This is This would have to come on. You asked me if I would have sex with my grandmother I didn't say that just said was she you know like was she banging yo like back in the day. She's not my taste She's rude she's European gals right my girlfriend's like Italian Irish Jewish she's in New York she's New York style girlfriend. Like she was in the movie kids or whatever

like no no not that style more like the movie Manhattan with Woody Allen when she was a 13. She was 13? Oh okay. she was dating My hero now, uh What nothing I was I was implying that she had an underage relationship with comedy legend Woody Allen And I don't I regret even telling that that make that statement because he's a legend and he's not I don't I think He's been treated very unfairly. He's no Tyler Perry What the hell are you talking about? He's no Tyler Perry has Tyler Perry ever made a movie where Called Manhattan where his black and white and he has a 17 year old Bro he made homecoming bro, he made no he but he didn't I mean Madea that movie with Kelly Rowland that thing was

I saw I saw Madea goes to jail in the theaters Yeah, and should and it was pretty to watch the play that actually I used to see the play the D used to get The DVD plays back in the really? Oh, yeah culture gentleman rate. What were they about? They were the same thing They just were like they were going in like they were really like singing. It was more theatrical It was like about it was like way was like, way better than Hamilton. Way better than Hamilton. I never saw Hamilton actually. I don't like hip hop.

I was at a wedding recently and there were kids like going around from table to table. Like a TikTok riz party? It was a wedding between two people that love each other actually. But these little kids were going around from table to table like a tick-tock riz party it was a wedding between two people that love each other actually but these little kids were like going around they're like hey can we do our song for you and they were like he was a bastard bastard son of a Hamilton and I was like can you get I don't care that's lit they were doing Hamilton for us Alexander Hamilton I was like stop it you're annoying me yeah they were pranking bro. That's annoying me

That's like I every time I go to one of these I just remember that he hasn't asked yet. I Feel so single at this and now I have to listen to you bastards rap Hamilton to me I'm just I'm just a fucking dumb bitch. Are you gonna are you gonna? Well all but everyone everyone gets married even the fat ones What's wrong with me my borderline personality disorder? my sex problem You dated be of course you've dated somebody with BPD No, no damn. I have no pretty much, I think every girl, right?

You think every girl has? I think pretty much like 97%. I mean, I'd- All of them are like- I wouldn't disagree. I'm gonna fucking crash this car and we're gonna die. We're gonna fucking die. And you're like, all right, we'll go fucking,

we'll go to, we'll go see the fucking that when I was with that Jewish therapist. I remember telling him I was like, yeah, my girlfriend like spaz that on me and like hit me. He's like, that's what Goyle's do No, he was like he was like the check. I need to check it. He was like, did he say you need hit her back? No, no, no, no, he was like he was like, that's a problem. Sometimes sometimes you need a slap a bitch sometimes when she's getting out of line. A therapist could just give the worst advice. I know. But it's a communication that's protected by law, right?

Yeah. So you could just pass all your tests to be a therapist, and then just go in and be like, I I think you should um, you know, I think you should like what if you kill something like if you're therapists Like you know, they're not smashing. You know what I mean, and they're giving you advice That's crazy. I wasn't saying if they're not getting put I was saying they could tell you like I think I think you should kill your parents Oh, yeah, I think they're the source of all, I think you should kill your parents. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they're the source of all your problems and you should just murder your parents

and get the life insurance and split it with me. And then we can go to Florida and there's no state tax and it's gorgeous this time of year. Yeah, you gotta get a few steps we're getting nothing out that what out of the act out the whole thing it's crazy We gotta go from the ad can we start from that I'm just dying here Well, let's just go. Let's just can can we just died that felt bad what am I

talking about I think you should be a serial killer I think you should oh she shouldn't have been wearing that no no no come on no come on come on no no come on come on Pete this is let him get Pete, there's like 300,000 people watching this. So Rufa, what was that story about you said where you had two cars that were made into one? Okay, so like my first car that I ever got was back in like in college and I remember asking like my mom for a car. So she bought two Honda Preludes and she had the the Armenian mechanic kind of like Frankenstein-ish

together. She welded it? Well he like used one. One had a crash on one side and one had a crash on the other one? He didn't weld it but he like put like he gutted the parts from the inside and put it into the other one. And I remember being like driving. It wasn't like two cars cut in half into one.

That would have been cool. That would have been cool. That would have been better. Like a fucking two face situation. I thought this was a way better story now. I know. You just did an engine swap? It's more pride. You were, I was asking him,

I was like, you got any crazy stories? He's like, all my stories are pathetic and sad. And you were like, oh, my mom gave me a car that was two cars. I was like, that's funny. You're on the highway. It splits down the middle. The love of your life. She gets separated. You know, she's on the other side falls, you know, and then you're haunted by that the rest of your life

falls off a cliff, a Florida style cliff. No, it just, it goes into Everglades alligator fucks her. No, the car broke down in Nashville and it's like a country song That is like a down in Nashville Armenian car and just only it only drove up to 50 miles per hour. That's it That's about as sad as it really cuz preludes kind of whip a little bit No, but it broke down so like it wouldn't if it hit like 50. It just would turn right off It was bad. Do you regret listening to the same talent

about putting me on the show now? No, you're my friend, dude. I like just hanging out with you. We'll clean, well, Pito cleaned this up. Pito added some auto-tune to it. All right, yeah, yeah. Well, dude, just say some rap stuff and don't leave that in where I say say some rap stuff.

Did you meet Kanye when you were a rapper? You did when did you meet him? We got into was living in New York got into this No, this Mason Martin Like a Margiela for H&M party and it was like in this. Oh, I love Calabas Love I love I love waiting on the street for a drop But it wasn't even a dress. It was just like the party. Oh, so you're on the list actual party We got in with like a G G von Chi intern Mm-hmm. Okay

Yeah, I was working at American in peril at that time nine dollars an hour. You know how I do They said the same remember high school. Yeah, I did a fly as girls were the working at American Apparel that's my first dad in retrospect that they were being forced to alcohol by Cut that too We continued wait, so Kanye was there and what you were like you like you're like, let me get off 12 bars And what you were like you like you're like let me get off 12 bars Nah, cuz cuz he was behind like a rope he was behind like a little velvet rope and he was speaking to that

guy from From chromio, oh yeah tracks brother Yeah, talking to a tracks brother a track was his DJ on the road. I got a crazy What's it called a DJ story? from from Kanye to But basically he was behind this velvet rope He was talking to him and then all of a sudden a photographer came up to me and this dude He was like he's a fucking dickhead man

He's he's a piece of shit man And I guess Kanye kicked the photographer out of the the little velvet area Because he didn't he asked Kanye who he was So you should ask him for it you already have the vest on uh-huh should ask him for his camera Get over the rope and then be like give it to me do 12 bars big Sean What would you have done as your best bars for Kanye? Just just imagine. This is your one chance in life. It's like Justin Bieber singing for us sure I'm already at that one chance in life. I'm on the Adam Freeland

The audience I'm fucking this is your mom's spaghetti moment do it for our audience. These are big hip-hop I hate this what not hip-hop heads. They're racist. No, they were really into the beef. They said, oh, Drake switched his flow up three times on Family Matters, but then Kendrick ended it all, and then how do you come back from saying you're a you can't say 17 is legal in Canada. That's not something you can say. I don't know why I'm giving them a Jewish voice.

Give them, this is, Kanye might be watching, he likes the show. He likes the show? Yeah. I swear to God, if he hears this story, it's a really interesting story you just told. You might feel bad that you never got to get your bars off. I don't want to get my bars off. Rufa, please! Okay, I'm gonna give you a shook ones type beat.

Okay, give me a shook one type beat and give me like Give me our freestyle for you. No, we gotta do give me like three topics No, we stuff for you. No, we got to do like a Kanye beat. You know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna do let the beat build instrumental This is gonna be great, let me see if I got repsaps. I might have raps. I might have raps. I think I got raps. Okay, we're gonna do instrumental. Are you ready? This is, okay, let's go.

Uh, yeah, I did write a little rap. I'm gonna do the little rap. Alright, alright, yeah, I did write a little rap. I'm gonna do the little rap. Alright, alright. Yeah. Uh, this goes against everything I stand for, but I'm doing it for the show. I'm doing it for the show. Alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a hater, part of the patriarchy, calculating parsley. My current state, I'm based in Bossy. The dog in me, dog. I turn into the tin man around to Nashi. Tim, grab the tool, man, and fucking off me.

I'm with Hannah Gadsby and Charles Barkley. We smoking CBD up in the Rari with the Ouija board trying to talk to Navalny. Okay. Wait, Navalny was the guy that got killed by Putin you got killed by Putin So that's they're gonna learn something and they're gonna they're gonna vibe out. That's not a bad I just wrote that oh, I thought I was top of the dome. I thought you were texting. No, no No, you're a free song like with a text go. I was reading off the phone like Drake, bro Well, that's Drake reads off someone else's phone actually wait, where'd my fume go? Oh, I'm gonna fucking lose it

If I don't find my fuck. All right guys, it's been a great episode. I'm in Vancouver this I'm in Vancouver this weekend You got any where's my fume you got dates? Um, I mean, uh, I'm in Richmond, Virginia July 12 a city. Yeah, the funny bone Nah, it's this like new place. Okay, I think called super bloom or something like that. I've heard of that. Yeah Yeah, it's gonna be fun. Go check out roof. Fuck guys. Thanks for joining us