The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Retro Style Podcast – Episode 1 – The Grand Première

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

/// ***NICK WILL BE AT MILWAUKEE IMPROV in Milwaukee, WI 4/21-4/22*** ***ADAM WILL BE AT HELIUM COMEDY CLUB in Portland, OR 4/27-4/29***

Hello, and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, the podcast. It is April 20th, Nicholas. We're high on weed right now. How do you feel? April, April 20th, 420 day. It's 420 day. We're testing out whether or not weed makes love making feel better. What are your conclusions so far?

What do you mean? We got a couple of girls to come by, and we wanted to see if the climax was more extraordinary on marijuana. Is this a pre-planned bit? No, I'm kind of just going with it right now. So how are you doing? We have a lot in the news, Elon Musk's recent rocket has exploded. You can get to that, I guess.

Yeah, okay. What else do we have, Nick? Well it's April. Everybody's paid their taxes. Yes. I personally just got fucked in my ass. Not understanding a couple of things, and everybody's concerned with business and banks right now.

The banks are teetering, we're on the verge of 2008, we're on the verge of 1929, a lot of people are saying. You could say almost every business is struggling. Pretty much every business. Right. All businesses have failed to deliver content. Yes. Or should we address that?

Can you think of any? I think us, probably. The Adam Friedland Show. Okay, so. Folks, this is a very special episode of the Adam Friedland Show podcast. The Adam interviews, guess, but today Adam is going to be interviewed in sort of a BBC style, hard hitting, you know, we're going to really get into it and figure out just what the hell is going on at the Adam Friedland Show.

Correct. Yeah, a couple of announcements I think we should be making. Let's give people a backstory. Okay, backstory. Just because people want to know. You can interrupt me if I'm wrong. Go ahead. All right, let's see.

This should be good. Okay, yeah. You're on a podcast for what, 17 years? I believe six or seven years. Six or seven years called Come Town. Come Town saw. What is the right, why, what are you writing? I'm taking notes.

I'm taking notes. This interview has been produced. This is how you normally, interviews, it's produced. Okay. Instead of a stack of cards with emojis on them, if you have just one legal pad with specific questions, you can sort of plot out a map of what you want to discuss. So you have a strategy, like a roadmap. I have a strategy.

Oh, I see that. Yeah. So yeah, you were on a podcast Come Town for six years. Yeah, integral part. And this was sort of culmination of a long time you spent just absorbing the culture in preparation. I did it for the culture, a lot of people say. To create the podcast, and the podcast was successful.

Quite successful, yeah. And in early 2021, you decided to fire probably the most prominent or successful member of the show, and rebrand it as just your show. You had had enough of sharing the pot. It was a difficult decision that I made, but we focused on it. Was it any way that influenced by Elon Musk's decision to buy Twitter? I think through osmosis perhaps, but I don't think it was a direct result of that. You know.

I don't think I was copying. How soon after you were vaccinated, did you decide to turn the show Come Town, the podcast, with zero overhead, into the Adam Friedland show, a full television production with probably $100,000 a month in overhead? It was a matter of months. I don't think it was immediate, but I think the vaccine had to work its way into my system. Yeah. You think it left the site of injection and went through your brain?

It went around my body, into my feet, into my penis. My brain definitely is part of my body. There was a Japanese study that said that the vaccine goes into people's genitals. Did you see that? No. I didn't. Yeah. I figured only the Japanese would.

Well, they were injecting it into people's genitals. No, it went from their arm to their genitals. Just directly in there. Yeah. Kind of like a blue shoe. Well, I would assume, yeah, they don't fuck, so they're going around just horny all the time. Well, if you need a good vein, you know, you might have the penis vein.

Right. There's a lot of stuff down there. There's a lot of pressures. Everything just gets sent right to the genitals in those folks. Okay. You're actually, speaking of, you're now banned from the country of Japan after a controversial system. I wouldn't say that.

There's an appeals process going on, and I can't talk about an ongoing legal case. You're in discussions with the embassy? Yeah. The United States government is actually advocating on my behalf. They're stepping in? They're stepping in. To keep you in Japan? To send me to Japan and have them throw away the key, so to speak.

Would you say that the item preland show is failing? Define failing? Well, I guess just purely from an economic standpoint, would you say that more money is going out the door than coming in? I think it depends on how you look at the spreadsheets. Have you looked at the spreadsheet? It has been sometimes, as I've looked. It's kind of one of those, if your report card is bad, if you don't look at it, you

didn't get the grade. Okay. I guess more from an artistic perspective, then, would you say that your creative vision has been solid or thrown off course? No. No? What do you foresee happening? What do you mean?

With the show. I think we just made that decision. What was the decision? Dave. Dave. What about Dave? No, he's just, his phone's ringing now. Okay.

This is respectful. I mean, we're like talking to our audience, we're giving a state of the program. What's going to happen? We're going to keep doing this damn show, and then we're going to, because I think the folks that are good enough to pay for premium, okay? I think what I see, you know, we look at Shatter, we look at information from focus groups, and it seems that people want the podcast back. No, I don't think that's what it is.

I think it's about turning out consistent content. In the form of a podcast, I don't think, in the twice a week podcast format, the twice a week podcast format will return. Twice a week podcast format will return. We've experienced some frustrations with editing. We have two interviews that are in the can, one that should be coming out tonight. But with that inconsistency, I think we've realized that we have to provide consistent content to the people that pay for the consistent content.

So we will be returning to a free and a premium model with the actual Adam Friedland show released as it is ready. This week's episode is about ten days late right now through some series of fucking, I don't know, some comedy of errors, let's say. And what are some of those errors, I mean, what, where are they committed? Not very funny. Yeah. Let's just say.

Okay. But it's a thing that smart people say, comedy of errors. What does that mean? Was it a Shakespeare kind of thing? I have no idea. In fact, I never understood why they just decided some of the Shakespeare plays are comedies. And they're like, oh, this one's sad and this one's funny.

Well, I think if everyone ends up dead at the end, it's a sad one, unless you're one of those guys that's into like dead baby jokes, kind of like a you kind of guy. Me? Yeah. Kind of like someone with like a Eric Cartman style, like dark sense of humor. Yeah. Okay. So then let's just clarify what that means for the audience, because inquiry minds would

like to know what will be the new form of the Adam Friedland show, which will be called Adam Friedland show retro podcast, because it's a throwback to the come back to get another rebrand. Okay. Here's the new show. There's no new show. Okay. We will just be adding an additional podcast every week so that we can stop freaking out

when a actual talk show is in production and late and yes. So basically you will continue to get the talk show. There are two episodes that are coming out right now, the two huge guests that you guys are actually going to really love. And then in addition to that, if you are a paying subscriber, if you're not a paying subscriber, if you're anybody and you have a YouTube account, let's go to, if you don't mind going to the Adam Friedland show official YouTube channel, which is just Adam Friedland show, it's not whoever this Indonesian guy is that everybody keeps telling you.

He seems like a great guy. He seems, well, at the very least, you know, it's kickboxing. So I'm busy. I would imagine they all do. Like an Ongbak. Yeah. Either that or the big thing over there is, I guess, is going into the jungle and building a house in two days like model magic.

And tucking. They like to tuck there. There will be a, so the plan is the plan is to do the regular podcast, this, which will come out on Wednesdays. Yes. And the video and the audio will both be free. The video, you can get on the old RSS feed. That'll still be there.

Correct. The video will be public on YouTube. Correct. Then every weekend, the same thing, but pay walled on Patreon. Correct. So it goes back to the old format. And then there's also, it's no more divvying up the video and the audio. Correct.

And then there will also just be the Adam Friedland show. Yes. Which is not part of the Adam Friedland retro podcast project. Sure. So basically all we're saying is you will be getting more content if you're paying for that content. And this time, we promise. It's just very frustrating when we divvied it up to say, oh, the talk show will be behind

the pay wall. And when we have complications in our production model, in trying to start a television show off the couch ourselves, we won't. It was fine. Be in a position. It was fine when the pinnacle of the actual talk show guest was, let's say, Caleb Pitts. We have after you hit Ernie Hudson, the next week, you can't have our next two guests are, I can tell you right now in 2023, much bigger celebrities than Ernie Hudson.

No offense to Ernie. Wow. Friend of the show. Wow. I can assure you guys of that there are probably in 2023 are two biggest celebrity guests. So get ready for that. And that will be on Patreon, but we will be returning to a premium model starting next Monday.

So at least please subscribe to the Adam Freedling show just so people know that we have a YouTube channel. And this evening. All of our content is reposted by, again, an Indonesian man. I thought it was from the Philippines. Is that not Indonesia? I think it's a different place. I think one's Muslim and one is, I don't know, one is Pakiah.

So Lilo and Stitch to me. Anyway, so yeah, all we're saying is there will be additional content now going up on the Patreon and an extra podcast every week. And the same talk show that you know and love. And as always, a free episode out to the public. And that is what we're committing to because people that are paying five bucks a month deserve content on a consistent basis. Thank you.

And good. I'm glad we're on the same page about that. I agree. Because I'm tired of fighting with you about it behind you. No, he's bullshitting. We're never fighting about it. I'm tired of it. I say these people deserve something and you say to tell with them.

Yeah, I say let them eat piss. Let them eat shit. Let them eat kaka. Let them eat poo poo. Anyway, but some technical difficulties on Patreon.com. Hopefully this evening, April 20th, our new episode of the talk show, is that free or a Patreon? I have no idea.

I'm not. I think it's Patreon. It's Patreon. I don't know if there are any more. I told you this six months ago is I'm an advocate for the audience. And I... You're a man of the people. And I'm a character driven.

I'm always, I'm characters from that one. And Nick will be doing one of his classic episodes or classic characters on the new talk show episode. So strap in, stay tuned. The Philly thing. It'll be fun. Yeah. But Chinese.

But Chinese. Yeah. Where are you from? Philadelphia, China? Yeah, Chinatown. Philly. Oh, Chinatown. Yeah.

Where the bus lets off. Mm-hmm. Is it still a Chinatown over there? I don't think it is. It is. Yeah. I thought it's nice now. I don't know.

I haven't been in a while. To Philadelphia? Yeah. Okay. So those are, I guess we addressed all that? No. There's still some stuff that I think... Okay.

Ask a couple more questions. I'll go ahead. There's been some technical difficulties on the show. Would you like to explain those to people and why they happened? Which ones? Well, namely, these lights don't work anymore. We have to address these LED lights. We are getting stronger LED strips next week.

And we feel bad about that. It's yet another way that we've let down our audience. People are up in arms about these LED strips. Dave, let's go to camera one real quick. And then I'm going to... Did you lose my audio? Am I still there? All right, good.

Where are you going? I'm going over here. I'm going over to camera one. And then... Can you hear me, Dave? All right. Oh, fuck. What's going on right now?

Well, you want to just... We can take a look here. This is also a big problem. You see that, folks? What is this? You may notice that that light is off. Okay. Do you have an answer for that, as to why that light's off, Adam?

I don't know. Maybe somebody was chewing on the wires? I was not chewing on the wires. Maybe one of the mice that we have in the studio. I want you to look at me right now. Look at me. Are you watching soccer? No, we just got a text from Ginsburg that the new episode is ready.

So guess what? Look at me now. Look at me. And you're talking to the audience now. Yes. And I want you to swear to me on your life and the audience. Say, I swear to you. I swear to you on my life and the audience.

I am not a wireturer. I'm not a wireturer. Then why is the light off, Adam? I don't know. It's something with the DMX control panel. Oh, DMX's fault. Yes. Woof.

Yeah. You know when he died? No. Two years ago. When did the light stop working? No, it was less than two years ago. It was two years ago, Adam. Maybe it was two years ago.

What is that on your shirt? What is that? What is that? Right above your hand. That. I'm looking at it. It's on your fly. A wire.

I wasn't chewing on it. All right. Can we go back to the show? We're doing the show right now. All right. Ask me more questions. Ask me a couple more questions. These LED lights are off.

Okay. And you know what controls the LED lights, Adam? We have a remote controller. There's wires. Yeah. Okay. So maybe you can, maybe again, you can apologize to the audience. I apologize to the audience for the wires.

I wasn't chewing on the wires. It wasn't me. Well, then who was, Adam? I don't think it's from chewing. I think it's just the wires fail, their connection issues. I don't know, Nick. All right. Well, we'll get back to the show.

Dave, how are we looking? Do we reset correctly? And we're back on the Adam Friedland show. If you're just joining us today, an investigative report. We're here with the BBC as to why Adam is destroying everyone's life. Okay. Do your worst. Do my worst?

I mean, do your best. Why do they say do your worst? We have an expression here at the BBC. What's that? Give him enough rope and he'll hang themselves. Actually, I think that's from the deep south. Yeah, I think so. I think the world's worst clans member came up with that.

Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself. Is that what I said? Yeah. Who's that? It had to have been a guy in the clan that was like, I got an idea. Why don't we just give him the rope and then we don't have to do nothing. And then he's like, this is the longest rope I've ever seen in my entire life. At the time when the KKK started, they were like, black people are the hardest working people in the world.

That's why we got to make them slaves. They started off as fans. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, of course, that's the ethic. That's the only way slavery... I don't think that the... You don't think that Europeans went to Africa and they were like, these guys are all lazy.

I don't think the KKK... They would make the perfect slaves. I don't think the KKK came up with the concept of slavery. I think that was something that already existed. I believe the KKK were from the Confederate army. There were guys that were in the Confederate army after they lost. And then they were like, we're going to start putting on Merlin shit and being scary. Yeah.

Yeah. Is that right? I don't know. I've never been to Berlin. No, not Berlin. Whatever. Okay. Next question.

Are there other technical difficulties? Maybe we could point out. In the studio. Yeah. Namely, where is my jazz trio? Yeah. We've been asking for a jazz trio. For months.

Yeah. We have been trying out bands for the show. Actually, honestly, if you live in Brooklyn and you are a jazz trio. Yeah. And you would like to come on the Adam Friedland show. Because we need to... A big part of the problem is we keep using copyrighted content. Yeah, yeah.

So we'd like some original pieces. Some original pieces and we can get you up here and give you a little performance. Get you over here and then that'll be like playing during interstitials. My vote has always been for a while. They're all in Red Hook, I think, all of the jazz trios. Why? I don't know, but I've seen them on... They're Longshoremen?

Yeah. At the hometown barbecue, they have jazz trios occasionally. Do they? Yeah. There was the last time I went, there was a guy playing piano there that looked exactly like the mentally disabled guy from Santa Claus Camp. The Santa Claus Camp documentary. Oh, yeah.

I never saw it. You should. You told me about it, yeah. They should call that movie bad, Santa. He's not doing very well. You think Billy Bob Thornton's bad? Get a load of the fucking... Yeah.

He's way more capable. Yeah. Nick wants a jazz trio. I think that's a classy choice. My vote has always been for white rapper. We can figure it out. Maybe we could do like a rap-jazz fusion kind of house band. Last I checked, we were out to Rue Jude to have him come on the show.

He said no? I don't think the email ever was received. He's right down the street. At the J.D.E. You spent all this fucking money to be in Manhattan. You figured we could get guys from Sirius to come by. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Also, Timothy Olyphant, if you're watching, would like to have you on. Yeah, I've been watching a lot of Deadwood again. Have you? You got back into Deadwood? I'm back in. It's such a good show. It's the best... I think it might be 1B afters the pranos.

Yeah. Yeah. It's so good. Yeah. Al is the best character ever. Yeah. It's very funny to watch John Wick with Ian McShane, is that the name of the actor? Yeah.

Swaringen. Swaringen. To go from Deadwood to John Wick. Because in Deadwood, he's just this gnarled, prostitute-owning... I like to imagine he is Al Swaringen in John Wick. No, because in John Wick, he's like, welcome to Metta. Yeah. He's like this very effet...

He's a smooth boy. Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when he orders that woman's death at the end of the first one, and he's like, you'll pass is revoked. Right? Is this Devil Wears Prada?

Like Nemo Mada? Yeah. Yeah, he's a very theatrical kind of guy in that movie. I would like to attract a more foppish, dandy style audience. I think gay guys never leave your side, no matter how long your career is. That's not true. That's absolutely true. They will support Streisand until she's dead.

What about Peter Thiel and David Geithner? Those are just... Who's David Geithner? Wasn't that Timothy Geithner's brother's name? Wasn't that the story? No. I thought Peter Thiel was dating Geithner's brother, and then they outed Thiel and Gawker outed Thiel and him, and that's why Thiel had the bone to pick with Gawker, which is

why he funded the... I didn't know that it was Geithner's brother. Wasn't it? I have no idea. Okay. Oh, yeah, sorry. My camera's fucked? Yeah, it seems like...

Sorry, folks, it seems like Adam may have chewed on the wires for his own camera. I can't chew on the wire, Nick. How's that, Dave? How are we looking at him? What are you doing? Watching soccer? No, we got... We got the fucking episode, so now we can watch it afterwards.

So yes, folks, tonight, there will be a new episode of the talk show out on patreon.com slash tafs. It's a really good one. It's very funny. Why are you putting all the cameras at me? I think it looks better. But you aren't going to have any cameras on you? I mean, I think the people want to...

Is this good? Are they going to like this? Of course, Adam. I'm the advocate. All right, what are you worried about? You seem upset. I think I have dandruff. Let's see.

Does he have dandruff, folks? Yeah, my shoulder is on. All right, I like that a lot better. Dave, what do you think about that? How does that look? Yeah, that's cool. All right, these things are nifty, huh? These?

Yeah. Hello. Hello. People pop. Hello. People pop. This is Jamie Dimon. Yeah.

Oh. Come on. Bye. Sell. Sell. You fucking cock sucker. Okay. Another idea we have is to do a...

Dude, what is it? If that was your penis? Oh, my God, I can't wait for a pussy. I can't wait too far. So I was thinking about the other day, you're like hooking up with a girl, right? And then, you know, she's like, oh, can you use a condom? And you're like, yes. Right?

Yeah. Fuck, yeah. And then take the condom out, and you're like, oh, shit, oh, oh, fuck. And you're like, what are you doing? You're like, shut up, oh, and then you just bust into a condom. Yeah, yeah, premature. You're like, oh, you're just like fucking a condom. It feels so good.

Oh, my God. Holy shit. You just fuck the condom and come in, and then afterwards you're smoking, but you're like, damn, I love wearing condoms. Yeah, and then you push her off the bed, and then it's an ad for condoms. Damn, I love condoms. Wearing condoms. Pussy feeling ass condoms.

Yeah, pussy's fucking disgusting. But wearing a condom? For guys who they put in this condom. You think pussy's disgusting? Try condoms. Condoms. Condoms for guys. Condoms for guys.

His pleasure condom. There you go. Yeah, what about his pleasure condom? It's just a flesh-eye with barbed wire around it. Yeah, stay away from me. Yeah, it'll kill the woman, but you. There's caution tape on the package. Take that, AOC.

Yeah, yeah. She probably, she probably loves those. Who? AOC. AOC loves condoms? Yeah. That's what the C stands for. Hey, I love condoms.

Hey, oh boy, it's condom time, that's what the C stands for. Yeah. Did you ever, when you were like a kid and you got condoms from health costs, did you ever beat off into one? Just to feel like what it was like to be an adult that was coming into a condom? No. I did. No.

Yeah. That was weird. Remember, I think, did they start? They give you deodorant. They give you a mini. Yes, they give you deodorant and a toothbrush. Mini arm and hammer. Yeah.

A toothbrush. Like you have a bit. There's like a travel toothbrush. Right, like you have a bit of brushing or something. Maybe I just got that. Maybe it wasn't even health class. Did you? No, really?

Yeah, no, I remember this. I remember you got a mini arm and hammer toothbrush and then like not, you don't get an atrocious, you get like a lifestyle brand condom at 13. And they said, this is for all the, for all the pussy you're about to be getting. And then I was like, I can't wait to be an adult and hook up with the AOC. So your friend Sundar, tell us about this guy. He's quite rude. Yeah.

Is there a name he goes by? Rude Beep Sundar. It's me, that rude Beep Sundar. That hot boy getting pussy Beep Sundar. That hot boy getting pussy Beep Sundar. It's weird that in so many, and it's fair to call, cause I wouldn't, there's not, there's not, you can't call them like, there's no wigger Hindi, cause then it would just be in.

Eager. No, that sounds bad too. Yeah. They're not even really. It's two eyes. There's, they're more doing an impression of wiggers. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So I was thinking about it the other day. They're doing, they're doing like a. I was on the holodeck playing 4D chess. WVE. With data. And I said, why are the Indian guys get away with it? Yeah. And then he just, you know what?

It's like, you know the saddest thing about chat GPT is, it's not the people whose jobs it's replacing, but the guys that are excited about it is just sit around talking to chat GPT all the time. Yeah. They could have friends. I mean, not even friends. Just being fascinated by the technology. I think a lot of people are fascinated.

I still don't. Maybe I'm old, but I just don't understand how it's much different than fucking smarter child. Haven't we had this shit before? I don't know. It's just Google shit for you. That's all it does. No, but if you have to like write a paper for school, they could, you could say how

many words you need and stuff. You could already do that with Indian guys. You would like pay them to write your paper? There's websites where they just write essays for you. Yeah. But do they do it in like two seconds? Basically. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. I don't think they have rooms set up in Calcutta and there's a thousand. One typewriter's in there. Yeah. And then they each, they each do a word. Right. What's going on in the world of soccer?

What do you mean soccer? Oh, it's Champions League semifinals coming up. Also, you got Arsenal versus Manchester City coming up this week. Actually speaking of sports, do you want to talk sports, Nick? Is it time to talk sports? What do you do with the camera now? I'm just making it look a little better. We're moving around too much.

Was I? How do I look? Intellectual? Yeah. I do? Is it time to talk sports? Is it time? I'll tell you, yes, it is actually.

It's in one minute and 20 seconds. It's time to talk sports. We welcome to Talking Sports with Nick and Adam. On the Adam Friedland Retro Style Podcast. We're going to get this branding real tight, guys. We're going to figure out this branding. A lot of people have been watching this and thinking, oh, this podcast is also kind of off the rails.

Yeah, yeah. I would say. I feel like we've had a couple laughs since. I was worried at first. It's 4pm. That's a big part of the problem. It's 4.44pm. Make a wish.

Anyway, when you do this, you got to think about it as you're doing radio. Yeah. Okay, so. Radio you got to do in the mornings. You know why? Because the early bird gets the worm, you know what that is. A tiny penis. Here comes the worm.

Here comes the condom. Yeah. I got to stop doing voices on this show. That's going to be. That's honestly. That's going to get us in trouble. The real reason, it's like, I know we switched to a visual format. I can't, it's no longer go off season for old me.

Everything's got to be written down, otherwise. You can't tell them that though. Why? Because if it's written down, then it's go off season. Somebody else can see it first and say, don't say this. On a podcast, it's basically old time. You know what I was saying? I was expressing these concerns about, look, you know, the show's failing and we're struggling

to. But we're presenting a. We get advertisers and then they're new so they don't know what they're buying. So we say a million listeners. The show's not called Come Town anymore. When it was, you get an advertiser, they know what they're getting. With this, we get an advertiser and they think, oh, it's about fucking. Adam's got your life or something, I don't know.

And then we do the read and they threaten us instead of paying the money. But what was I talking about? I don't know. But guys, Ryan Garcia versus Gervonta Davis is coming up. That's crazy. They got fucking men fighting women now in USC. No, two guys. Which one is the girl?

Neither. Oh, okay. Ryan Garcia versus. I guess I misread it. So Gervonta 28 no, Ryan Garcia 23 no, little bit of a. Ryan Garcia, do you think he's related to Andy Garcia? Oh, that would be good. Yeah.

You think maybe he could ask Andy Garcia to come on the show? I want to ask him about the Untouchables. About what? About what it was like? Brian De Palma. Brian De Palma, but also the choice of name for that movie. Like it should be about India? Yeah.

Yeah. And then you're like, oh, I'm going to watch this India movie and then you get some mobs. It's reverse in the movie. I mean, Untouchables isn't a bad thing. In the movie, that means these guys are so powerful you can't touch them. Right. That's the highest cast in Unorganized Crime. But in India, the Untouchables are the lowest cast.

That is pretty confusing. It's confusing. It would be great to ask Andy Garcia that. Anyway, Andy, tell us, do you think if you were a big fat guy, would your name be Candy Garcia? That's a good question. Yeah. If you were horny, would your name be Randy Garcia?

Okay. If you were the boy from Toy Story, would your name be Andy Garcia? If you were at the beach, would you be Sandy Garcia? Sandy Garcia? Mm-hmm. Okay. If you were in the movies. If you were getting a hand job, would you be Andy Garcia?

Andy Garcia. Yeah. Um, Landy. Landy. If you. Lando Calrissia. If you were black. Lando.

Space Man. Would your name be Landy Calrissia? No. We're back. Or if you were Chinese, would your name be Landy Garcia? If you were Chinese and horny. Chinese and horny. Yeah.

Or Chinese and horny. Right. Oh, I forgot his name isn't Randy. I was at a Chinese restaurant the other day. I told you this already. But Chinese New Wave music from the 80s came on. You should play it into the left. It's good music.

No. We gotta avoid the copyright stuff. It is good. It is really good. What's the name of the band? Shout them out. You can't say. Okay.

I said, I said, who is this? That would be a shot in the dark. Can I say it? Which one? All of them. Um. I had a bunch of great names for what I thought this band was. What?

The least tame is probably Bruce Springroll. Bruce Springroll. A joy division. What was it? The joy of doing division. That's pretty tame. Love math. The bajas.

R's for L's. R's for L's. But the best one, and the first one I came up with. You know the band in excess, add a couple of letters. Okay. Yeah. There you go. There you go.

Safe. Yes. Brand safe. Uh-huh. So this is a big fight coming up. Two undefeated fighters. Dhavante Jarvis. And Randy Garcia.

Dhavante Davis. And Ryan Garcia. Yeah. If he was with Andy Garcia, Andy Garcia, Andy Garcia, if he was good at construction and giving hand jobs, Andy Garcia double entendre. If he was a computer from the 1970s, maybe Tandy Garcia. Tandy Garcia. That's pretty good.

He's like, yeah, people used to call me that in the old neighborhood growing up, and that's why I wanted to become an actor to prove to these people I'm not a fucking computer. There you go. There you go. I'm not here. Pretty fucking good. I'm not fucking typed on. I'm here to act.

Yeah, that must have been really pissing him off back in the 1970s. I was pissed off. People are like, hey, what are you, a fucking computer? You don't know. In old Brooklyn? I'm a Cuban-American actor. In old Brooklyn, all there was to do was eat pizza, but you get bullied for having a silly name like Andy Garcia.

Yeah, that's true. The guys from the old neighborhood, they come by and say, what is this guy, fucking Tandy Garcia? The computer? Tandy. That's a good question. Tandy Garcia. In Brooklyn, that's, they used to say that kind of thing.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. It pissed me off because that guy's name was Faggio DeSuck Penis. Yeah, really? He was an Italian guy named Faggio DeSuck Penis. And you didn't even pull the trigger on making fun of his name. I didn't think of it until I was in college. It was one of those things where you're in the shower, you realize you're comeback,

but it's 25 years later. Yeah, I was in my 70-year at Cooney Stonebrook, and I thought to myself, ah, his name's silly. Yeah, yeah, I could have made fun of Faggio DeSuck. Instead, they used to break the keys off the keyboard. DeSuck Penis. They used to break the keys off the keyboards to make me eat them. Really? Yeah.

That's horrible. And then he'd pull his cock out, and I'd have to spell his name with the key. I'd have to throw up the right letters. And you couldn't even... I'd have to spell out Faggio. Even if you were writing his name out, you couldn't even tell he had an embarrassing name. I couldn't, yeah.

You idiot, Andy. Anyway, where would you bet if you wanted to bet on this Garcia versus Davis? MyBookEat.ag. I think that's a great place to bet. And guess what, guys? With our promo code T-A-F-S, it gets you 50% bonus on your initial deposit. That's free money. That's free money to play with.

And if there's anything I like to do, it's playing with money. Let me look up the alphabet real quick. I'm going to see if we missed it. Why are you looking at me? I've missed any of the letters for... Bandy Garcia. Fandy. Gandy.

I'm going to take a Gandy at my whole... Okay, so... Garcia. Okay. Guys, we have the MLB season back. We have the NBA playoffs. Oh, Pandy Garcia. This is from Joey, the guy who sold this ad.

He says, Jirvantha Davis beats his wife and he's undefeated in the ring. I don't think you're supposed to read that part. It says in the thing, the screenshot you sent me. I know. The screenshot from him telling us that there is a my book he read. No, he says, Jirvantha Davis beats his wife and he's undefeated in the ring. Do as you please with this information. He said that.

Okay. How about Vandy Garcia? If he has a van. And he lives in a van and he kills a Gabby Petito. Okay. Or Landry, Brian Landry. Laundry. Laundry Garcia.

And he got eaten by alligators. Look at this. I can't just look up the alphabet as an adult. It's all like baby shit. It's got to make me look like a fucking idiot. Yes. That's not even the full alphabet. That's the next business.

Fuck the Adam Friedland show. We get an alphabet for adults. Alphabets for adults. Yeah. We got to have a grown up alphabet. All black and white. No different colors. No bullshit for guys who want to pretend they're in the military.

My bookie dot A.G. promo code TAFS. Back. What were we saying about alphabet for adults? No. We should stay on this because there's other stuff in there. It's not just this Devante Garcia fight. What's his name again? What do you mean?

That's it. No. You got basketball. Boxing. You got Gervonta Davis. You think there's any relation to... Gina Davis. Andy Garcia.

Yeah. Gina Davis. I don't even consider it a Gina Davis, my dear. Wow. So neither of these guys have ever lost a fight. Yeah. That's the big thing about this fight. And there's been a lot of smack talk.

It's like kind of a pretty boy, Ryan Garcia, versus a tank. They call him Tank Davis. Tank Davis? Yeah. So strong. T-A-N-K-D-Y, perhaps? Tank D. Garcia. Yeah.

Yeah. But then they would be brothers. They would be. Yeah. Like Mario and Luigi. Like Mario and Luigi. Now, hold on now. Are Wario and Waluigi related to Mario and Luigi or are they just...

Yeah. They're cousins or something? No. We have to talk about the NBA playoffs. NBA playoffs are in full swing. You're in the first round right now. We've got a lot of great action in the NBA. And the best odds, you can find them at mybookie.ag.

What else is there? Did they match your deposit up to 50%? They match your initial deposit up to 50%? Who do you like for the NBA playoffs? I always thought playoff was such a funny word. What? It's like, hold on. I gotta go playoff real quick.

It's like beating off? Well, yeah. I guess I was thinking more of like an involved, you know, like a child. What do you mean? I'm gonna go playoff these fifth graders over here while no one's looking. I mean, but they play basketball. Hey, kids, get in my van. I'm gonna play you off.

We'll give you some candy. I'll play you off. So you thought of... That's what it made me think of. Like, a pack of... People getting molested. Yeah, yeah. People molesting.

I don't know. I would change... I guess I never thought of that. I would call it the finals, if it were me. Well, the finals are at the end of the playoffs. So then you start to call the first ones the beginnings, then be at beginnings, and then the finals. I think that the beginnings are that you have a season, right?

That's the preseason. No, you have a preseason season, and then playoff finals. Then you change it into the preseason to the epilogue. Epilogue. Yeah. So the preseason... No, that's prologue. No, it's the epilogue of the last year's finals.

I think it's the prologue. No. The preseason is the epilogue to the year prior's finals. Oh, okay. You call the preseason... So you check back in with all the characters, you know, and load. ...the NBA retro style. And then the regular season is the preseason, then the beginnings, and then the epilogue

two, epilogue two. The epilogue two, be continued. Okay. That way it keeps people watching until the next season. Yeah. If the NBA is listening, give me a call. Give me a call. We have maybe some exciting business to discuss.

I have a couple more ideas. Okay, let's hear it. To be continued with them. To be continued. Yeah. I always thought that was a funny thing to put at the end of the show. To be continued? Yeah.

I was just like, yeah, of course, I didn't think it was going to cancel. Yeah. That's a good bit. Very presumptuous of me. That's kind of like a good for, you could do that for stand-up, I think. Which I'll be doing this weekend in Milwaukee. That's the other problem with the show is there's been no time to promote, we're not doing it regularly.

So we can't promote our stand-up dates on the show, and we've both seen a precipitous drop in ticket sales. Yeah. The audience, I mean, I sold 10 tickets in Salt Lake City. So we're losing money on all those. And five of them were arrested at the show. And a moment of panic, I converted all of my money into a one solid 400-ounce gold brick. So all of my net worth is sort of tied up in a brick that I keep in a shoe box in my

apartment. And you're kind of, Nick is now kind of, his brain is kind of unraveling into like treating the brick like kind of Wilson from Castaway. You're having full conversations with the brick. Is that Tom Arnold's character? No. That's the volleyball. Yeah.

And Tom Arnold is a voice. I don't think that's what happened in the movie. That's what I remember. No. I think it was a, he was like, hey, I want to fuck a volleyball. No. He was Castaway. Yeah.

Rosanne got her pussy all over my face. No. That, I think you're thinking of True Lives. Yeah. Coneheads, maybe. Coneheads, maybe. Yeah. I think Tom Hanks cuts his hand.

I don't know why they call it Coneheads. They should call that movie Butt Plugs. It's true. Yeah. Yeah. You never see someone try to put, try to put, what's the name, Dan Ackroyd into their ass. Yeah. So anyways, mybookie.ag promo code T-A-F-S and tell them what you get with that.

You get 50% off your first deposit or 50% bonus. They match your deposit. Yeah. Yeah. Up to 50%. Yeah. So hot item in the news, Kentucky Fried Chicken had to legally change their name to KFC. Why?

Because it's technically not chicken. Seriously? Somebody told me that in like seventh grade. Yeah. So that's still in the news or? It's just, that's probably about the last time I checked in on what's going on in the world. There was a parking garage collapse.

Yeah. That's big. New York news, we had a big parking garage collapse. You know what I noticed is Mayor Adams, he was giving a speech, he said, first of all, he said the mayor. Gomez Adams? No, not Gomez. Louis J. Gomez was the mayor.

No, no, no, no, no. Eric Adams, mayor of New York City. He was. Anything, any relation to? Gomez Adams. Andy Garcia. Andy Garcia. I don't think so.

He gave an address at the scene of the crime, you know, calm things down. Crime. No, not crime, catastrophe. They expected foul play. I'm not going to, I'm not going to put that out there, no. But they did send in those robot dogs, the, what do you call it? Foul play, I always thought was weird too. Why?

Because what is this, baseball? No, it just makes me think it's like, you know, oh wow, this fifth grade has got a stinky pussy. Uh-huh. It's foul. I don't know. I don't know how you draw that connection. What is the word play?

It's always. The play reminds you of children. Yeah. I always thought foul play is like when you don't hit it between the foul poles in baseball, they should call that a foul play. I always thought they should call them stinky balls. Instead of foul. Uh-huh.

Because foul is more disgusting. Yeah, foul. It hurt. If you say her pussy smelled foul. Yeah. Yeah. If she was stinky, then you'd be like, oh, that'll happen. What if his name was Stinky Garcia?

Uh-huh. And his pussy smelled? He's like, all right, I'm the new commissioner of police here, and I don't want to hear any talk about my stinky pussy. Yeah. In the Untouchables. In the Untouchables. Yeah.

Director Brian DePalma. Anyway, so you had lunch with James Cameron recently, how'd I go? We did. We did. You want to talk about what he said to us or no? No, you had lunch with James Cameron. No, we did. Uh-huh.

No, I'm in the interview right now. D.B.C. style. Yeah, I had lunch with James Cameron. You raped and murdered a four-year-old girl. Tell us why. No, I did not. You're thinking of someone else. Yeah.

Did you see Elon Musk, that D.B.C. interview he just did? No. People are posting it being like, oh, he did the uno reverse on him. What did he do? I don't know what's going on with his torso, but he's like. Is he fat? Well, he's, I don't know if he's like doing like H.R.H. and not working out or something, but his like rib cage is out to here.

He's like a barrel chested? Yeah. So his body just doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Do you say, that would be a good cat call if you saw him walking down the street. I felt like that would be. Ooh, your body make, don't make no sense. That should be the premise of the new Aliens movie.

Is Elon Musk has a. Well, Space X becomes the company that goes and discovers. The aliens. Well, I think that already happens in Prometheus, but. And it's called Space X. And it turns out Elon Musk himself is a xenomorph. Where he was, he gave birth to one. Yeah.

Out of his chest. Well, yeah. Out of his body. Out of his body. Yeah. A lot of pregnancy in those movies. Yeah. It's, it's kind of a metaphor.

For. Getting pregnant. Getting pregnant. Mm-hmm. You know, they should, instead of Ripley, they should have sent the fucking Plain Parrot up there. I'm thinking one of the things that we want to start incorporating back into the show is setting Guinness Book of World Records.

Somebody just did that, didn't they? For a podcast? No, no, no. A black lady has the biggest afro in the world who just set the Guinness Record. We could beat that. Yeah. How big? It's like five feet in circumference.

But honestly, you look at pictures of her and I'm like, I see this lady all the time. She's probably just the only one who thought to enter. Do black people know about the Guinness Book of World Records? I think so. Because I feel like there's a shocking dearth of black people in there. All of the records are bullshit. It's always like, it's always not like, unathletic things. It's like the guy that ate the most pandas.

Longest fingernails. Yeah, right. Yeah. It's all this stuff. There's no. Well, who's the Guinness Book of World Records guy that can jump the highest? That's not in there. I mean, it probably is.

It definitely is. Those weren't the ones I was reading. Which ones were you reading? The pennies guy or the Chinese guy that ate an airplane. I don't think that's in the Guinness Book of World Records. It's in there. Yeah. Most airplanes eaten?

Yeah. And the record was just one. I think it was just one. It was this guy that ate an airplane. But that's not a record. I think that's Ripley's you're thinking of. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's crazy. The Guinness Book of World Records is one of two books that was spawned by a drunken argument with people. What do you get? You get money if you set one or you get just beer? I think you get a million dollars. One million dollars. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like the Millennium Prize. Dude, that's going to cover all of our production costs. Yeah. We got a set of records. Okay. Most. Jewish.

Beatable. Guinness. World. Records. No. You can't Google it because that way maybe let's ask ChatGPT. Dave. Hold on.

Here's what we do. We run ChatGPT and say write us the longest book of all time and put our names on it. And say that we wrote it. We wrote it and then we've written the longest book of all time and then we get the Millennium Prize. Or we break ChatGPT and we set society free. I think people are already doing that. They are?

Yeah. They make it act like they're grandma. And they say show me your pussy. No one does that. What? Yeah. No one does that. Don't tell me I haven't seen anything.

We can do this. Easy. Things with my own eyes that I've seen on this earth do not exist. This is easy. Which one? Most CDs balanced on one finger. Current record 50. You can get 51.

Can you tape them together? You may not poke your finger through the holes of any of them. The finger must be flat against the CD. Have a fun. Like that? Like this. Yeah. 50.

Easy. You can put on T-shirts put on in one minute, 31. You could train for that. We got one million dollars. All the production expenses are covered. What if I die? What? What if I die?

From what? Putting on too many T-shirts. You can't die from that. Well, I'll tell you. I feel like I'm dying already by putting on too many hats on the show. You barely wear one. Anyway, most yellowing with chopsticks in one minute. Dude, we can beat these so easily.

Most Jell-O eaten with chopsticks. This is what I mean. This is what's in the Guinness Book of World Records. These are the stupidest things ever. Yeah. It's all just, it's guys that are bad at things that are like they have nothing in their life, which means probably, yes, we could set Guinness Book of World a record. If we get one million dollars for the show, we are fine.

That's a great idea, Adam. What do you mean? We're going to set a record on the show and we'll do it right now. For what? And the record is going to be, I already have it written down, is most wire is eaten by one man. We're back on this wire shit? You don't want to eat the wires?

No, I'm not going to eat a wire. Can you please eat the wires? No, it's disgusting, it has metal in it. I got to figure out what we have back here that you could eat. I'm not going to eat shit from back there. I hate this. I got it. Okay.

So here's what we're going to do. The Guinness World Record we're setting is most lotion eaten by one man. See if you can put that entire thing of lotion on your face. On my face? Yeah, just try to do it. And here we go, guys. This is it. The world premiere of Adam.

But I thought you meant eat. Yeah, I know. You're not going to eat it, but maybe you can put all that on your face. All right. Okay. Let's go down. So let's see if there's a record. Most lotion on one face.

Dude, there's a lot of lotion on one face. Most lotion on one face Guinness record. I don't ruin my clothes. Yeah. Okay. Yep. It's not a record. So put it back on and we'll go by pumps, all right?

Put the whole thing. No. Come on, man. Just do as many as you can. This is a desperate attempt. No, it's not. Ready? Okay.

Take your glasses off. How do we look? Does he look good on the camera? All right. We got the light. Oh, bisexual. Okay. One.

Ding. Two pumps. Ding. And then you got to go fast, too. So I'll start the timer again. This is three. Three. And let's do the most.

What's the timer timing? Five minutes. In five minutes, see how many pumps you can get. Four. Go fast. You got to go fast, dude. I'm only doing this because my skin has been bad. Yeah.

No, we're doing it to save the show. Come on. How many is it? Six? Seven. Eight. Eight pumps, folks. This is live, the world record for most lotion on one face.

I don't... You got to count because I'm narrating. I don't know how many. Dave, how many is it? It's 13. 14. 15. 16.

Oh. 17. I don't like it, man. 18. This is like... I'm 36. 19. 20.

21. Do I look cool, at least? Yes. 22. 23. I don't want to get this on my clothes. 24. Keep going, dude, faster.

25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32.

33. 34. 35. 35. 35. 35. 35. 34.

35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42.

43. 44. 45. I'm going to have to shower or something. 46. How does it look? 47. No, it's...

Keep going. We're almost there. 48. 49. 50. Faster. 51. 52.

53. There we go. Keep this pace. 4. No, but now it's on the floor. 55. 56. 57.

58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 60. 60. 60.

60. 61. 62. 63. 64. Halfway there. 65. 66.

67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 72. And a half.

73 and a half. Seventy-four and a half. Seventy-five and a half. Seventy-six and a half. Seventy-seven. Seventy-eight. Seventy-nine. Eighty. Eighty-one. Eighty-two. Eighty-three. Eighty-four. Eighty-five. Eighty-six. Do I look nice? Eighty-seven. Eighty-seven. Eighty-seven. Eighty-eight. Eighty-nine. Ninety. How am I going to get that? Ninety. Ninety. Ninety. Come on, dude. I'm just going to a hundred, okay? No, no, no. We've got a minute and a half left. Keep going. It's on my jacket. Ninety-one. Ninety-two. Ninety-three. Put some in your hair. Ninety-four. Ninety-five. Ninety-six. Ninety-seven. Ninety-eight. Ninety-nine. One hundred. One hundred one. Come on. We've got a minute left. Almost there. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

Eleven. Thirty seconds. Twelve. Fast. Thirteen. Homestretch. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two. Twenty-three. Twenty-four. Twenty-five. Twenty-six. Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. That's it. Okay. So, a hundred and twenty-nine. We've got a hundred and twenty-nine. If the Guinness Book of World Records reach out to us at the Adam Friedland Show, we've set the record. We're ready for the million dollars. You can send it to the office at any time. Adam, do you want to give a round of applause? Thank you. All right. Go get yourself cleaned up. All right, guys. Make sure that you subscribe to the Adam Friedland Show on YouTube, and we'll be back this weekend with a premium episode, and maybe some guests, and we'll get all this lotion cleaned up. All right. Thanks, folks. Good night. Do we have a towel?