The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Retro Style Podcast – Episode 5

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

/// ***NICK WILL BE AT PITTSBURGH IMPROV in Pittsburgh, PA 5/12-5/13*** ***ADAM WILL BE AT SAN JOSE IMPROV in San Jose, CA 5/18-5/20*** mull.dog/live-shows adamfriedland.com/tour

Welcome to the Adam Freelance Show everybody. This is April or May the 3rd, 2023. It is day three of the Writers Guild strike. You've got Delivery McDonald's. I am playing her today, folks. This feels like top five hangover ever. Really? It feels bad right now.

You seem like you're in good spirits, though. I was with my friends, you know. Yeah. So what happened last night? I went to the Knicks game. I kept ordering Patrone. I don't know, it kind of started as a bit. Yeah.

I fucked myself. Tequila fucks you up. It makes me. It's the worst hangover. I feel so bad. Yeah. I feel so bad. Take your hat off.

Let's get a better look at you. Let's get the light in your eyes. Take your glasses off, too. I don't feel good. I took Caleb as a wedding gift. Pull your hair back. Open your eyes and look directly into the stage lights. Is it going away?

That might be sneezing. I don't know if it works for hangovers, but I thought maybe we try it. Ah! No, sorry. You really did scare me. That's hiccups. Sorry. Yeah.

What's the one for hangovers? Okay, look into the light again. Ah! Did I do it? No. Oh, okay. No, the light hurts. The light hurts.

All right. I kept ordering Patrone. What's the next playoff game, yesterday? Patrone at the cup almost killed a thug. Yeah. I thought it was like pimp. And I just kept going, Patrone. I did one of those things.

We got, Caleb and I got so drunk, I did one of those TikTok interview. It was just a drunk guy in line while I was going to get Patrone. That sounds really funny. Did you record it for the show? We need content. It's probably on my phone. The Sweater Brothers are on the picket line right now. Yeah, we don't have our riders.

The Sweater Brothers are on the picket line right now. Let's see if it's funny, dude. I'm wasting this. David's got a sign going into his zipper. Nick's win a chip or your girl gets a trained run on her? I can't answer that one. Would you rather than Nick's win a chip or your girl has trained run on her? Is this an either or?

Either or. No, nothing's happening to my girl. I'll take a Nick's loss tonight. Nick's loss. It didn't work. Normally they're like, I would let my girl, I would let the whole team hit if it means a Nick's championship. It sounds like it went off without a hitch. No, this guy said he'd rather lose than have black man gang bang his girlfriend.

Oh, you specified their black train? No, I didn't say that, but I said your girl run train and I implied it was the team running the train. Maybe I didn't do it the right way. I failed at that. Any 12-year-old could do that. I can't even do that right. There's a whole 12-year-old economy now of making TikTok interview videos. They're so good at it, you know.

Are they? I don't know. Better than me. Well, I am not hungover. What did you do last night? Had a tuna sandwich. Got eight hours of sleep? No, I slept pretty bad.

I got an acid reflux for having a late night tuna sandwich. I love tuna sandwiches. Really good. I love tuna sandwiches. What's your preparation? I go to the bodega and I order a tuna sandwich. Oh, you have a man make it for you? That's the other thing.

I'm not vegan anymore. Yeah, he's pescatarian. Well, full disclosure, I guess I've been cheating the whole time. I've been taking fish oil the whole time. I was worried. I looked into the vegan omega-3s and I don't think they really work. I started to get brain fog and I figured if I'm already killing fish by eating the fish oil, then I might as well eat, you know.

Where does the fish oil come from? Can fish eat pain? Is that bad? Pain? Pain. Can fish feel pain? Dolphins. Well, I'm not eating dolphins.

Dave says that fish cannot feel pain. They have trauma if they're caught. What does that mean? But don't people catch them and throw them back all the time? So when you throw a fish back, he dies? From the pain? What? What?

What does that mean? So they have emotions, but they can't feel physical pain. I don't believe Dave. I don't believe a damn word coming out of his mouth. He's a goddamn liar. Well, anyways. Now people can get mad at me for that. I feel like it's like a gang.

The vegans? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did not do a good job of packing McDonald's. Yeah. Oh, you have a problem with your McDonald's? I'm giving a calling complaint. Anyway, so you had to use up bad acid reflux as the writer strike. And our team of women of color writers are picketing outside right now.

Plus the sweater brothers. And the sweater brothers. Yeah. Now what's this strike over? They want less juice in the writer's room. Less juice in the writer's room? Hollywood is trying to make less juice in the writer's room, but we will not stand for it.

It'll be funny to go see those picket lines. It's just a bunch of Jewish guys sitting and folding chairs, holding signs. Drinking La Croix. Just hoodies. Yeah. Yeah, just like front zip hoodies. Yeah. It's cold out here.

We will not surrender. Yeah. McDonald's breakfast, man. Are you picking this up in the mic? Is it obnoxious, Dave? Is it chewing? I'm sure it is obnoxious. Our courage still hasn't arrived.

I got to wake up. I got to drink more coffee. But yeah, I slept pretty bad last night. Tossing and turning. Were you feeling solidarity for the writers? In what way? Well, because you're a laborer. I don't feel solidarity for anybody.

Really? No, I'm alone in this world. But it was just May Day. Yeah, it was. What is that? It's May Day. It's when a plane goes down. Yeah, but what is the day?

What are we celebrating on May Day? I don't know, something with the workers? Yeah. We're celebrating renowned workers like Bob the Builder. Bob the Builder, Bob Vila. Bob Vila. Tim Allen's friend from? Yeah.

Honestly, it's kind of rude that this strike happened as soon as I was getting back into television. Really? Yeah. There's no new shows besides this. This is the last new show. I watched all of Berry. I'm caught up on Berry. I'm excited to watch more Berry.

But they don't write it every week. It's not like South Park. I know. It's probably already done. And then they can just air it. Yeah. But, you know, Fallon, gone. It's a damn shame.

And just when we were being welcomed into their community, now we're the last remaining. Yeah. No, we actually did. We're way beyond. We're furthered. We own the means of production. We do. But there's no production company to negotiate.

Viacom does not tell us what to do. This is the most common show there is. We are the workers, and we've taken the factory. We made our own. We got her story. Her fact, her. We're working in the fact hurry. That's right.

Yeah. That's right. The C-T-H-E-R-Y. Fact. Fact. Fact. Her. Her.

Why? Because I gotta. Okay. You can't. You don't really body that one. Yeah. They can't tell us shit. They can't tell us shit.

I don't know anything about fucking, I don't know, any Michael Eisner? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know Harvey Weinstein. I've never met him. I don't know. The Adam Friedland Show Studios. In Manhattan.

Yeah. You know, the gorgeous Manhattan. Stalin could never. I feel like every, now every celebrity that's doing press, right? Promotion has no choice but to do it on our program. That's true. And they have to come on and support the writer strike. Has anyone come out against the writer strike?

I don't know. In 2007, I think the only person that did was Bill Maher. Outside of like producers, obviously. He did. Yeah. Bill Maher was like, it's bad. When he was on ABC. I don't know.

What was he on in 2007? I think fucking. Maybe it was HBO. Real time. I think it was HBO. Yeah. He lost his politically incorrect right after 9-11. Because he said that the Al Qaeda were brave.

Were brave. And that was big facts. Yeah. He was only spitting truths there. Yeah. But he took an L with the writer strike. He really fell off. Yeah.

He used to be pro Al Qaeda. He used to be a good guy. And now he's just complaining about millennials. We should get him on the complaint about the writer strike. I would love him on. He's a dream guest. I tweeted at him. What did they want?

What did they negotiate? They negotiated. Let's see what they did. I'm sorry. Let's just make them up. We already went to the phone once to listen to your video. I thought it was pretty good. Which do you want the Knicks to win?

Yeah. Yeah. We don't need to repeat the joke but slow. They run train. They run train. The slower you say it. All the questions are always about running train. The slower you say it.

The funnier it gets. If you came home and they were running train on your wife. And I say, well, the Knicks better win this goddamn championship. That's right, brother. I'd say a million dollars on the Knicks. One million dollars. Guaranteed championship. My wife, a train is being run on her.

The snow piercer has been run on my wife. What was the name of the guy that used to tie women up and put them on the train? He had a mustache. Dick Dastardly. Dick Dastardly. Yeah. I mean, a name like that. What else are you going to do?

Tie women. You're going to fucking answer phones at the bank? No. Yeah. No. You're going to kidnap. This is Dick Dastardly, your accountant. Yeah.

His mustache is just brushing against the fucking microphone the whole time. Or the headset. They were like, what's going on there? Is a cat trying to shit? What is that noise? Uh-huh. No, it's my giant mustache. When you worked at a call center, were there any guys that were trying to...

Smash? Smash the chicks on the phone? Oh. I thought you meant me. No, no. You know, any guys that were like, oh, you sound all right. No, 99%. You would find it hard to believe, but it's true.

I was one of the least autistic people there. Really? I was like... You were the most well-adjusted guy there. I was as close to you can get, especially when I worked a night shift. The fucking freaks that would work the night shift at the call center. There was a guy that had a staff. And it may have had a skull on top of it, but he had a fucking staff.

Who's Gandalf? No, he would walk around with a staff and then he had like a t-shirt that he would wear that was like a bomb squad. But it was like technical support. It was stylized like bomb squad. I may have even said bomb squad 15 years ago, but it was like tech support. But it's like, you know, no one can see that shirt. You're on the phone. Yeah.

I don't know who you're wearing the shirt for. You don't even have to wear clothes. At night. You could be completely naked. There was a girl that would bring a doll in and put the doll on her desk. Oh, no. And then brush the doll's hair. Oh, no.

What happened? Something bad. Yeah. Something bad. Yeah. Can't be any worse than working for him. Night shift technical support for dial-up internet service providers. So you never asked a girl if she wanted you and the staff got a run train?

On the phone? Yeah. No, never. You're like, let me tell you something. I got this staff guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there was one guy. I remember one of the funniest things I ever saw.

There was a guy who would bring a laptop in and he would watch. I don't even think they had a name for it. They must have. They must have been like, the YouTube thing lets plays. You know that? No. Where someone will play the entirety of a video game, but it's not like a speed run. They'll just play through the game and record it.

Okay. And other people will just watch the game being played. Isn't that what Twitch is? Yeah, but there's no, they're not in it. It's just a screen cap of the game. It's just Mario jumping. They're just watching. Yeah.

And he was watching a video of someone playing Wind Waker. What is that game? The Zelda game. The Zelda game. GameCube. We play Wind Waker. And he's on the phone and he's like, just click, just click. He's like losing his fucking mind at this old man.

He's like, just click on the, just click on the start button. It's the start and then hitting mute. It's the start button. You fucking fuck. You old fuck. And then unmuting and then like click, just click on it. Just click on it. Just click on it.

Just screaming at the top. And like a manager had to come over and be like, John, John, John. You know, stop him. And he throws the headset off and he's like hyperventilating. And they had to bring him a hot chocolate. He was like, just with like Wind Waker playing next to him. So they were nice to the people that worked there? Everyone that was in a management position at that company,

like even like this, like the senior executives, like the VPs and stuff, they all, I think almost all of them started on the floor. So there was upward mobility. But I mean, it was like, it was like warfare basically. You know, it was like, it's just, it is a brutal job because it's nonstop. It's fucking all day long. Just like, you know, like, and then it's not like there's any real problems to solve ever.

Right. It's always like someone that doesn't know how to use it. An old person, like hovering their finger over a button being like, I don't know how to press the button. We'll just press it. They're like, what do you mean? We'll just drop your finger down on the button like this. And you're like, no, just the way it's your fingers already over the button.

So just drop your finger onto the button. That's all you have to do. And they're like, well, I'm like this, you know, and you're like, no. See how your fingers over the button? Just let gravity drop. It's like a Mexican standoff. It's fucking insane. And it would be, it's 30 minutes of that.

Do you get mad at them? It's infuriating. And you can't, I mean, like, you know. Also roomful, fantastic roomful. You also have to feel bad because especially at that job, it's like this old people, like they're subjected to technology, right? They have to have this shit. And they have no idea.

They don't. It's going to happen to fucking everybody. You're going to be 80 years old and there's going to be a bunch of lasers going into your fucking mind. And I'm going to be like, yeah. You know, and then your fucking grandson is going to be like, just stare at the laser. Just stare into it. And you're going to be like, I don't know how, like I need to do this to see your

baseball game. I don't understand why. Can't I just come to the game? Are you insane? What are you, a racist? What do you mean, come to the baseball? You're like, all right, all right, all right. I'll try to stare at the laser and your fucking body's decrepit.

I mean, you know, you feel bad for them. It's horrible. But it's, you know, for a minimum wage just to, like, have them do it. And you might be the first person they've spoken to all day. Right, yeah. They're all alone. And that's this first thing. As soon as you log in, like, boop, and then it starts.

So when you hang up and then the call ends, right? And then there's another. Before you can even finish the note, it's like, hello? Like it's just fucking right away. Yeah. What's email mean? You know, it's just fucking not stopped. So people would like, yeah, they would like to lose.

How do you get away with not doing work at that job? Me and Norman worked there together. Yeah. And there was another guy that Norman was friends with who just for six months, he was like, he moved over to work from home for six months. He would log in and then just put the headset down and then just go fuck off. And it took, it took six months for them to, like, audit his calls and realize that he had not taken a single call.

Really? Just collecting a paycheck. Yeah. And did he show up? He just, like, left his... No, he just worked from home. Oh, he was working from home. So he would log in and then just put the fucking thing aside and, you know, leave his house,

presumably. That's awesome. Yeah. And then he would just be like, oh, yeah, there's a problem with the phone. And then when you work from home, too, there was, like, stuff that's like, you know, you have to, the phone uses, like, power over ethernet or whatever. So anytime you really want to bail on a call, you can just fucking unplug the thing. And it'd be like, oh, my phone, I guess, reset itself or something.

Yeah. Yeah. And just hang up on people. And then just your luck, they'd call back and get you again. They're like, oh! Out of 200 people that were going to call us. We were just speaking one way. Is it Nicholas?

It sounds like Nicholas. This is Vikram. No. No, it's not. No, it's not. I know it's not Vikram. I know. You're so funny.

No, it's Vikram. And I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. No, that job was fucking. Yeah. They decided like a super high turnover rate. So they didn't really give a fuck. I didn't show up for work for, like, three days.

I think I've told all these stories before. I didn't show up for work for, like, three days. And, like, I was scheduled. I just got drunk and hung out with friends. And, yeah, I showed up to work on the fourth day, just, like, very hungover. And I had a black eye. And I logged in. And my manager was like, hey, can you come to my desk for a second?

So I go up. And he's like, so, like, what happened? He didn't call or show for three days. But he didn't, once he saw what I looked like, he was kind of just taking him back. And I was like, yeah, I was sick. And he was like, okay, well, I hope you feel better. And that was the end of it. Really?

Yeah. No, they just didn't, because they have to retain people. Yeah, they're really just trying to not lose people. They had a whole, they had, like, a whole classroom. Yeah. And it was like, they were constantly hiring, every week there were 20 new employees. They would always have to hire, like, because they would lose that many people every week, just because the job is like, it's just, yeah, it's rough.

It sucks. You know what was going to replace that? AI. AI. Yeah. How about the king and AI? And it's a Chinese guy. And he's like, I hate your computer.

And the computer's like, why are you so mad at me? Yeah. And then they fall in love. Yeah. The Chinese guy falling in love with Siri. With Siri. It's called the king and AI. Yeah, it's pretty good.

Yeah. Did you see that Spike Jones movie, where Joaquin dates his computer? Her? Yeah. That would be stupid. You should have called it her. Herd. No, her.

Her. Yes, it's still the same movie, but it's her. There's emphasis on it. Yeah. There's a black woman taking her life back. That's right. After everything was taken from her. Yeah.

They should have called it she. She. Her. She. Her. She. Her. Yeah.

Yeah. They should have called it that. Yeah. My pronouns are Ben her. And I'm gay. I'm gay, Charlton. So you watch Ben her while the LEDs are being installed today? Yeah.

Oh, they're being installed today. Yeah, at 11. Oh, I thought he was just coming to take measurements. No, no. They're being installed. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. Oh, awesome.

Are you excited? Yeah, definitely now. I thought he was just coming to take measurements. Folks, we're getting LEDs. Yeah, so if you can. He's been broken. Yeah, Dave go wide. So these things, there's actually, I mean, I guess you can see some of the texture.

There's LED strips behind these arches, and they're not, they've never been bright enough that you can really, these are velvet. Yeah. Crushed. Crushed velvet on all these walls. And it doesn't really pick up on the cameras. And it was because the LEDs weren't bright enough. And then we're thinking, you know, some talk of maybe shooting light at the background,

but then that, then it's, there's too much. And so hopefully the new LEDs resolves that issue. Guys, it's going to be incredible. I know we said we're almost done with the studio and that'll continue. But once, once those are fixed, because these ones just burned out completely. Yeah. No, I think that that's the wiring. I don't think it's.

Okay. Well, once those are in, and we get the, this hair light fixed, whatever needs to be fixed, so that we can get your hair looking super greasy. Yeah. In those interviews. And then, yeah, I guess we need the two booms up here. And then, and then that's it. And then that's it.

No more pre-production stuff. Yeah. I guess I have to fix that fourth chair we bought. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We have to, you have to do a little welding and soldering. Yeah. I don't know if, yeah.

We could just add some wires to it. Mm-hmm. Because I want, that's going to be my chair. Just a little bit of wires. And it's just boo-boo-boo. Just a little bit of hydraulic. I'm turning it into the spider from Wild Wild West. That would be so sick.

Yeah. It would be. To get this, the Wild Wild West surgery. Mm-hmm. To get your legs cut off. Yeah. Just have it, just be spider. Stephen Hawking should have had that.

I would have respected the name. They should have, yeah. Instead of coming up with space, he should have invented the spider from Wild Wild West. That's what I would do if I was disabled. Of course, man. Who's that? Kenneth Branagh? Huh?

Was it Sir Kenneth Branagh? I have no idea. I think it was. I saw that movie. Spider-Man. In theaters. I did too. Yeah.

That's really kind of like an ableist sort of movie. Why is that? Well, you say this is the kind of, if we don't check disabled people, this is what they're going to do. They're going to make steampunk spirals. They're going to turn their wheelchair into a giant spider and try to bring slavery back. Yeah. Yeah.

That's true. Yeah. I mean, am I wrong? No, I think you're right. Did I miss the point of that movie? Well, I thought the point of that movie was that in the olden days, there were black special agents for the government. He's a captain in the army.

Oh, he's an army captain. Jim West. Wild Wild West. Yeah, but his name was also Jim West. Yeah. The original script was called Jungle West. And then they said no. I think it was originally called Wilding Out West.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It was doing sketch and improv comedy from the top of the dome. I thought it was Child West. Child Child West. Yeah, I thought that was the title. Yeah, Child Child West.

Yeah. Pretty good. Yeah. It was actually Wild Wild Breast. And Will Smith had just huge tits. That's a movie I would like to see. Yeah. Everybody said, you can't be an army captain.

Why? Because I'm black? No, because you have giant tits. Giant tits. Yeah. And it's 1886. Where'd you even get those tits from? How's that possible?

Yeah. Where'd you get giant tits, Will Smith? I wonder when the first breast augmentation surgery was. Probably fucking 10,000 BC. Probably. Probably like some caveman knocking a woman out in the closet. We gotta look this up.

Immediately, just stuffing berries into a wound that he created. Make the titty bigger. I have to make woman titty bigger. He speaks English, does that mean? I don't know any movies, cavemen. They always just, hey, bo bo bo bo. Yeah, they speak English and they just know half the

words. Yeah. Me make fire. Yeah. 1895. Oh, so right around the time. Right around the time. So it's period appropriate.

Yeah. What's the story? Look at this website. It's like a thing that's been mentioned on like a. Look at this website. History of Britain. Yeah. That is a good website, guys.

It's like a story that's been mentioned on multiple podcasts about how the giant spider was supposed to be in Back to the Future. And then there was some studios active that's like, oh man, I love this fucking spider. And then they had to like figure out a way to use the in a movie. And that was, what are you talking about?

The Wild Wild West was just a star vehicle for the giant spider. Really? I remember hearing that. What did you hear? I don't know. It's like, it's one of those. It's one of those things?

One of the, yeah. It's the thing that, you know, my podcast guy's talking about. History of Britain. Maybe I made it up and I'm remembering the thing I made up. I think it's a lie that you started that now everyone believe.

Yeah. History of society is Egypt, Rome and parts of India. Surgical body modifications were made to help wounded soldiers. Where can we find about breasts? Oh. Modern-day breasts and breasts are relatively new

technology. I just want to see who the first, who the legend was. Oh. Austria and Dr. Robert Gerns Gersuni. Yeah. Another thing. This guy's a legend.

Another thing. What did you put up with? Something like, well, you know, Hitler did some good stuff. And then that's the only thing you can cite is breast augmentation. Okay. In the year 1890, Austrian doctor Robert Gersuni

started this entire breast enhancement magic by injecting paraffin oil into women's chests. The initial results looked fabulous. But over time, breasts grew very hard and lumpy. In some cases, extreme infections also occurred. They had killed hundreds of women. And that's awesome. That's awesome.

This guy, this guy is awesome. That's our awesome story for you. By the time 1920 came, the procedure was abandoned. Yeah. He couldn't figure it out. During World War II, some of the Japanese prostitutes revealed the secret to their perfect-looking breast silicon injections.

So that comes from the other guys. We don't give them enough credit for that. Good for them. And we wanted to bomb them. And we did. We did. Yeah. We did.

Early breast augmentation. Yeah. And what's your fit today? Adam, you got a salmon, pig salmon, cardigan. Yeah. You want to do a fit check? You got Sombas. I'm wearing the same clothes I wear every single day.

Cobbs, comedy, club, front zip hoodie. Kind of nice. Yeah. That hoodie. Yeah, it was nice. They gave it to me. Nice pair of khaki pants. These are just jeans.

Khaki jeans. Yeah. Yeah. Salmon, salmon, cardigan. Salmon. You got jeans. Sweater, jeans. Yes.

Vineyard Vine's Duck Dynasty crossover. Kind of? Yeah. Is Duck Dynasty still on? I don't know. What was that show about? It's a family that invented the duck whistle and other, like, billionaires. They are?

Yeah, they just ride ATVs to each other's houses. They're mad rich. Yeah. Yeah. Off duck whistles. Duck to the duck. Does that duck sound like? I don't know, dude.

It's like that. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. It's a queef. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, the writer's strike. What do you think this is going to end? Let's put it to bed. Hopefully long enough for our show to really, really take off. Get a foothold. Get a foothold.

Yeah. You know? We become a must, you know, go to stop on any press and tour. Not must-see TV. Bust-see TV. Bust-see TV. When you watch it, you nut. Yeah.

I mean, ideally speaking, we make enough money. Because I know this is about the Cosby show, right? Cosby almost bought NBC, right? Because his show was so successful, he almost bought the whole damn network. How about Bill Santa Clausby? Okay. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. I'm Barack Obama and I'm Bill Cosby and I'm Santa Claus. That's pretty good. And I'm gay. And I'm gay. And I'm gay.

And I'm a Spanish fly. Spanish fly. Is that an actual fly? What is that? I think they put bugs in your drink and then they have sex with you while you're passed out. Do you think in the fly community that other flies- He's the rapist. They're like, look, pal, we eat shit.

Yeah. We don't rape women. Yeah, exactly. We are on thin- Listen, we have standards. We are on thin ice. Yeah, I eat dead bodies. Yeah.

We get to eat shit for a living because spiders, the worst bug, have decided we're their enemy. Yeah. And this swarthy Latino. Yeah. And so I tell you, don't kill spiders because they actually kill the bugs that Bill Cosby uses to rape women. As if you see a spider in your house. It's true.

It's true. Yeah. You think it's scary, but it's actually a hero. Saving women. That was a plot. Wild, wild west. Wild west. I may be disabled, but I'm going to stop Bill Cosby.

They said the disabled man could never stop Bill Cosby, but we'll see about that. It's true. Today's episode is brought to you by a new sponsor, Freeze Pipes. Should we show them? Yeah, of course. Let's get this. It's a visual medium. So Freeze Pipes.

Dude, you guys are really going to like this crap. And you're going to say, what the hell is Freeze Pipes? Well, it's right there in the name. I thought you said Freeze Pops. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're not talking Flintstones here. This is the big boy stuff. This is for grown-ups.

Freeze Pipes are pipes that have, what is it, glycerin? Glycerin. Glycerin. So if you're a fan of the band Bush, you'll love Freeze Pipes. Let's see. These pipes have the glycerin. Yeah, start with the small one. We'll work our way up the product.

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Okay. Look at this. This looks like a watch for your boss. Yeah. You know? That looks like you worked 40 years. You're retiring. They're giving you that.

Yeah. You've done so much here. You've done so much for selling. Bob Dickhead Chevrolet that we're presenting you with this. Oh, is that magnetized? Yeah, it is. There's a little magnet over there. Yeah, yeah.

That's a magnetized box, right? That is nice. We're presenting you with this. And let's see what it is. It's foam. Take the foam out. We've gotten you a box of foam for you. Okay.

Yeah, so you take this piece of foam out. Look, there's a couple of easy steps here. I'll show you. You can say, but this, freeze pipes, that seems complicated. Yeah, that seems, yeah. There's a bob. What the hell, guys? I don't want any part of that.

A lot easier than you think. There's not even a latch. It's a magnet. You open the box up. Unreal. And then you're saying, what the hell? What the hell is this? It's just foam.

It's foam in here. It's just foam. But there's a surprise. Let's see. Not only do you get a free piece of foam. Yeah. They could use, look, as sound dampening material. So when you're like, not now, honey, I'm smoking weed.

Yeah. I'm smoking the foam in your ears. Yeah. Don't blame me. I was smoking weed. Yeah. I can't hear the other cars honking. Yeah.

I'm fucked up on weed. I'm high off of weed. With the foam that I... With the foam. The foam I get. Now with free foam. So you put the foam in your ear. Okay.

And then you take the free... Let's see. You take this. You say, what do you say? Oh, wow. I can't believe I get all this free foam. Yeah. Yeah.

Guess what? More foam. Yeah. Foam that is surrounding the piece. The piece. Yeah. The piece... They got bingers, bubblers, and pieces.

You put this part over your nose, I think. And then the other... For free. And that's free. That goes... That's free. That's free. That goes there.

The other one goes in your ear. So you don't have to listen to your fucking bitch. And I don't know. You can't see it. You can't see it right now. Yeah. But you look great. I look like I'm a guy that knows how to fucking smoke weed.

Dude, you look like a weed expert. So you tear off some of the foam. Yeah. You put that in your ears. You look like Bob Goddam Marley. And then you say... Let's show them this piece. Now I'm ready to freeze my pipe.

Okay. So what does that mean, freeze your pipe? So this thing's got... You see this little choo-choo train part? Wow. It's got... I can't see anything. Okay.

You know what? Sorry, I messed up the steps. I know I said it was simple, but you put the foam on your face... After you freeze the pipe. So it's got a hat. And I guess that goes... It goes in the bowl. Well, you put the hat on.

No, you put it in the bowl. You put the hat on. And then the glycerin is in here. What's that? Yeah, the glycerin is in the twirly-wirly part. The twirly-wirly part. So... So what happens is...

You empty the glycerin out. No, you don't. Oh. Adam, your jacket. Your jacket's ruining the freeze pipe ring. And then see this hole here? It fits perfectly into your mouth. Wow.

Let's get that on camera. Sorry. It goes through the hole. Wow. And then... So the glycerin part, that's when you freeze. So then once you get here, you put your entire hat in the freezer. Nick, can I ask you a question?

And you leave it there for about two and a half hours. Can you put it back in your mouth? Yeah. I can smoke weed out of that, too? Yeah, I can smoke weed out of it. Oh, my God. It's mostly just to keep the foam cool. So what you do is you freeze your pipe.

You put your foam on the pipe. You put your head in the freezer. And then once your head's in the freezer, the glycerin gets cold. Okay. You take the hat off, and then you put the hat back on. Okay. Okay. Now you're ready to smoke weed.

Now I'm ready to smoke weed. Now you're ready to smoke weed out of the freeze pipe. Okay. And I'll tell you why. What if you want to... Time to enjoy bigger clouds without the throat burn or coughing attacks. No, those are your rules. Take the pipe, please.

You deep-throated it. It's nasty. It's time to enjoy bigger clouds without the throat burn or coughing attacks. For the coldest and smoothest can of the smoking experience, you need a freezeable pipe, bubbler or bong, from freeze pipe. Yup. Included on every piece is a freezeable glycerin chamber that cools smoke by over 300 degrees. Whoa.

Now it doesn't say whether that's Celsius or Fahrenheit, but I can only imagine... Celsius. Celsius. Gotta be Celsius. I lost the hat. Okay. That's fine. No, you gotta put the hat in the...

Okay, that's good. Yeah. You want to check out some of these other products? I can't get the hat on to my nose. This is... There's a lot of stuff that goes on your nose. In this. On...

This one is, I think, mostly nose-oriented. Okay, let's see. So this is... Look at this. More foam in the box. They call it the Freeze Pipe Bubbler Pro. All right. 300 degrees.

2023 edition. Hold on. Pop one of these chambers in the freeze for one hour, and the smoke passes through. It's instantly chilled for toks so smooth, you'll check if your bowels are even... The bowl is even lit. No more chest burn, no more throat pain, no more coughing attacks, just icy, smooth puffs that are easy on the body and full of flavor. Dude, that sounds fucking dank.

Now, I'll tell you what. That sounds dank. I've used these. Yeah. And I wish I had read the copy before, because I was unaware that this is for cannabis, because they don't tell you... That's the one downside they don't tell you that... What were you putting in there?

Well, it didn't say, so I just started off with anything that didn't cost me any money, so I free stuff around my apartment. Kitty litter. Yeah, cat litter. And some fluids, I found. No, I think this is for weed, dude. But, and you know, I spent the weekend in the ER. Smooth toks, but I think I have HIV now.

You've got this smoothest. I got very smooth toks, but they said that my white blood cell count is particularly of concern and I need to see an oncologist. No, that is terrible news. But I wouldn't know that I had cancer. Because the toks were so smooth. And if it weren't for free spipes. That's...

Yes, exactly. The free spipes literally helped me diagnose my cancer, and it also helped me with the... Getting sick from smoking household objects... The PTSD I have... Brought you to the hospital. From Kourangal, from my time in Afghanistan. Really? Yeah.

I went last year. What happened? I don't know, it was like a jet blue deal. Really? They're flying out there, though. Yeah. Kabul, directly. Yeah, I was in Afghanistan and I was raped.

Really? Yeah. Northern Alliance? Huh? Northern Alliance. Uh... Those guys are classic Spanish fly type of brothers. Yeah, it was Bill Cosby.

Really? He's over there. He was just over there. He said that's the only place he can find more. Oh, because it's still legal there. But thanks to Freeze Pipe. Anyways. Start smoking like royalty without paying a king's ransom.

Okay. This is what I love about the weed companies is that, like, I am just imagining. To work there, like you, like part, like the job interview, you gotta be like, I'm high all the time. Yeah, I love it. Like every position. First of all, it's more of a lifestyle thing for me. This is a guy with Rick and Morty tattoos on his face.

Start smoking like royalty without paying a king's ransom by visiting thefreezepipe.com by visiting the free... But I can't even tell. Is this high or Indian guy? Start smoking like royalty without paying a king's ransom by visiting thefreezepipe.com. Is it thefreezepipe.com? Dave, can you pull that up? Make sure that's not a typo.

Go to their URL. I couldn't look. Because I don't want to say the wrong website. Is it freezepipe.com or thefreezepipe? The king's... What is a king's ransom? I have no idea. It is thefreezepipe.com and this website looks legit.

So visiting thefreezepipe.com and use promo code T-A-F-S for 10% off your entire order. It's thefreezepipe.com and use promo code T-A-F-S for 10% off shop today. And say goodbye to harsh smoke forever. Let's see what they got in the medium-sized box. Okay, so what we have here... This looks like a fucking pair of Timberlands. Dude, that is... That's for the pros.

That's for serious smoking. Now I know what you're thinking. Smoke weed out of my shoes? Yeah, yeah. It's not shoes. It's not shoes. It's foam. It's foam.

Foam for the whole family. More foam. Freeze pipes. It's foam for the whole family. That... You're just giving them that for free. That's what they get for advertising. You're just throwing coffee at them.

What this thing is perfect for... Let's say you're a cat burglar that specializes in vinyl records. You go in and somebody's like, oh, where's my fucking astral weeks? Oh, here. It's safe. For the shelf. Meanwhile, three weeks prior, you slip this bad boy into the jacket and you're fucking... You listen.

You're halfway to fucking Afghanistan with coffee. You're in Afghanistan. Listen to some... Listen to the... The warm, the warm, dulcet tones. Listen to some van. Yeah. Yeah, what is this for?

It's foam. It's foam. But to use with the bong, I'm assuming that you... You have... I don't think that's smokable. Yeah, that's not smokable, but you got to get this guy here. Oh, it's a free mask. It's...

Free mask. Let's see if I can do this with just my hands. Let's see. Let's see what you're doing here. Okay. Oh, okay. I see exactly what you're doing. Yeah.

Do the voice. Well, I can't... Yeah, I can't write on the show anymore, but I can definitely do art department. Yeah. Okay. All right. I got some... Can I pitch you some lines?

No, hold on. Smoke with me. Why don't you just let me do the video instead of fucking trying to take it over before... I'm sorry. I got too excited. I just saw you were doing such a good job of it, man. Can I pitch you some lines? I will pitch you lines for it.

Let me make my art, please. Just for once. This is good. Oh, very good. Yeah, it's pretty good. So you get your Timberlands and your Batman. Okay. That's another benefit.

And now you're Batman. And now you're Batman. And now you're Batman. What else is in the box? So look, there's a lot of places. A lot of places are behind the times and haven't legalized weed yet, but you get the foam out and then you can just set up shop right in front of the elementary school in the middle of Tennessee with this bad guy.

Okay, so you got a baker. You got this guy. Wow. You got the fucking... This part, I think that goes in your ass. Okay. And then this is... Let's get that in your ass.

You get this part in your ass and then... This part on your penis. And look, imagine I'm downtown Tennessee. I'm smoking weed, fucking myself in the ass with a glass dildo and somebody calls the police and they say, please officer arrest that moral degenerate and they'll have to say we can't. He's Batman. He's Batman.

He exists in a space outside the law. What's that other piece for? Oh man, I think I almost made myself throw up. Really? Yeah, pulling air through this thing. What's the other piece for? Just an empty... What?

What's the other piece for? The middle part. One of them is the one you freeze. I think this is the one you freeze. See, that's got the glycerin in it. Okay. And then the other part. Yeah.

The other part. This is some heavy duty equipment. Oh, that's a percolator. You got a couple perks. Very nice. Yeah. I'm worried about breaking this. It's good.

It's a... Okay, let's check this one out. This is the bub. Now, what are these? What are these clips? I think that holds it into place. I'm sure the instructions are on their website, and looks like there's a slot for an SD card, but that's not in here.

So I think that maybe you can remember your settings. You can... Okay. You can load Switch games onto an SD card, and it'll send the game into your brain while you're smoking weed. You can smoke weed. Yeah. So from the weed into your brain video games.

Yeah. I like that. Yeah. That, I like. It's fun doing crimes. Smoke weed with me. Sure. I'm not going to say it.

Say it. Can I pitch? Can I pitch you lines? Okay. Say it. No, say it. That's your line you want to pitch. Smoke weed with me.

This one's cool. It's like a gun. How is that even a line? Well, he says swear to me. Swear to me. So he's like, smoke weed with me. It's pretty good, though. Yeah.

Dude, look at this. This is like a gun. Yeah. I'm going to commit suicide with weed. Kill myself with weed. I'm going to kill myself with weed. Yeah. This is like a little megaphone.

Look at this thing. We're tiny and we're striking and we're not going back to work at the cuckoo clock until we get better pay, especially at noon because that's the longest dance. The cuckoo. The cuckoo birds are WGA. We're on strike because, you know, so noon you do a dance for whatever, fuck. Okay. Yeah.

Action. Okay. Extree. Extree. Read all about it. Yeah. Yeah. Adam Friedland.

Rape's woman. No, no, that's not in the newspaper. Extree. TV show host Adam Friedland, accused of downloading child pornography. Read all about it. Accused and acquitted. Just accused. Just accused.

Someone just said it. It's just overt. Yeah. What are these gadgets, Albert? Which was this a cock ring, Albert? Smoke weed with me. Just say it. No, it's not a cock ring.

Just say smoke weed. I already said it. You did? That's not a cock ring, Mr. Wayne. Mr. Wayne, when me and your father started this company. It was cool they added that guy. The guy's from the company. What's his name?

Yeah, Fox. Yeah. Mr. Wayne, your father loved me and he loved my body. Your father and I shared our bodies for years. Well, we're out of. I met him at Shull's. We're out of Freeze Pipe. So anyways, folks, where'd the copy go?

This stuff. So remember. Great. That's thefreezepipe.com and use promo code T-A-F-S for 10% off. There you go. Shop today and say goodbye to harsh smoke forever. That's 300 degrees less from the freeze. That's the guarantee, no?

What's this, dude? It's a hat. Yeah. Smoke weed with me. It's good. You like it? Smoke weed with me. I would have to have the vape.

It's good, right? You like it. Smoke weed with me. Smoke weed with me. It's good. It's good. I'm going to try pot. It's so funny.

Yeah. Batman, the Joker's playing on trying pot. No. No. That's illegal. It's against the law to try pot. Did you know the founding fathers tried pot? Yeah.

I think the British are coming, dude. I'll tell you. I really smoke weed, but the last time I got high, walking around my apartment saying, I think the British are coming, dude, to myself, just crying, laughing, hyperventilating alone in my apartment. It's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of my life. How is it? Ten years later, it's still funny.

It's so funny. It's still funny. It doesn't quit. It's so funny. It's still funny. It's still funny. He's a genius. Yeah.

Right. Would you have a bong hit transplant? All right. Come nation or not. Come nation. Taft's army. Guys, we got to get Tom on the show. We got to get Tom on the show.

Tell him, DM him $20,000. I mean, don't DM him that amount of money. Don't send him money. Tell him. Actually, don't tell him that much. Tell him the negotiations. Tell him I love him. Tell him Nick will be out of state.

Yeah, I'll be gone. I'll be dead. Nick will be dead. And Tom will give his eulogy. Boy, I can't tell you how excited I am. These lights are coming. Would it make you feel happy if Tom gave a eulogy at your funeral? If you do a little set?

I don't want no funeral for me. What are you going to do? Blast me in the space. Yeah, sick. Yeah. That's what Hunter S. Thompson does? That's why I'm being nice to Elon on Twitter. Really?

Yeah. He's going to get you in the space. Launch me into the sun. Really? Yeah. You can't get to the sun as far. I think we could send. Why don't we shoot?

Why don't we send in garbage to the sun? Yeah, it's like we'd incinerate everything. Right. Why is that not a plan? I have no idea. You're literally the smartest guy I've ever met. There's what we should do. Instead of fucking around with fossil fuels and all that.

If somehow, nobody's ever thought, why don't we harness the energy of the sun? If you could put like a hose that goes to the sun, you could just suck some of the fire out of it and use that to fuel everything. That's right. That's right. You just turn the fire.

I don't know. You just get the fire. You pull the fire, suck the fire down, and then that goes under a boiler and you use steam power for everything. You could have a little like a little like a wheel on the back of your head. Easy.

You could have a steam powered spider. Easy. You get the legs. Yeah. I guess the problem would be everyone would need it. The hose of the fire. Everyone would need their own.

Six years old. Dad, they take the hose. And then the fire will come down. Whatever, dude. I'm high. Dude, I did get a little bit high from that. You must be smoke weed for... Dude, smoke weed with me.

Yeah. Smoke weed with me. That was Batman. Can I try it? Can I put the Batman on? Yeah. Let me see. You got to put it under your glasses.

I know, no. That's how it sticks. It's cool. He goes through the hole? No, no, no. Around the ears. Oh, that's smart, dude. Yeah.

That's good in design. Is it nice? Yeah, it looks pretty good. Nice. You did a pretty good job. Thanks. You're welcome. All right.

Well, we have one minute left before the deadline. Where are we at the new lights? I told you. Guys, you may be wondering why the hell is the show ending in 52 minutes? We have a strict schedule now. It's the only way. We have a hard out. Yeah.

We have a hard out. But if you guys go on Patreon.com... We got started six minutes late. If you go on Patreon.com slash Tafts, there were two premium podcast episodes and another episode... They're both of those? They're both posted. Okay.

And then another episode of the Adam Friedland show. We just recently had Andrew Ray on. Another one coming out within a week. And if you enjoy the show, even if you don't enjoy the show, please subscribe on YouTube. And if you do enjoy the show, please subscribe on Patreon.com. Help us keep the lights on because... Yeah. I don't know if we're going to...

For whatever reason, switching over to a visual medium, the sponsors don't really like our brand of endorsing products. We just did a fucking... A 30-minute commercial for free. We literally did like a fucking... What do you call it? What are those long commercials? But at least they told...

Info... What is it called? Info Wars. Until we have... Why are you so stupid? What? I'm brain dead right now. Because you're hungover.

You drank Patron all night and harassed people at the Knicks game. I just... That one guy... Doing an ironic Zoom or TikTok thing that nobody... Didn't work. Didn't work on anybody because you're 40 years old. I shouldn't have played it. I shouldn't have played it, dude.

Because you're a 40-year-old man and you were being like, hey, you know children? You know what children do? I just think it's funny if guys say that they would let their wife be fucked by multiple men for a sports championship. Yeah. Well, that'll have to do it for us this week, folks. Join us again next week on the Adam Friedland Show podcast, which is what this is. And then go to Patreon to check out the Adam Friedland Show premium podcast.

Correct. And then stay tuned for the Adam Friedland Show, which is a talk show, which airs when we finish editing the interviews and putting everything together and color correcting it. That should be out within the next week. The biggest guest we've ever had, I do mean that. It's going to be very good. There needs to be linear progress with the Adam Friedland Show. I think there just needs to be enough names for the different things that we are doing.

We have Adam Friedland Show podcast, the Adam Friedland Show premium podcast. What's retro style? That is the audio version of the Adam Friedland Show podcast, which is the video. Available on YouTube, the regular podcast. Simple as that. To me, it's simple. It's pretty good. That's not a problem to me.

I have no trouble differentiating. All right, folks. Thanks. We'll see you. Patreon.com. I forgot to plug dates. Fuck. Yes.

May 12th through 13th, I'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv. May 12th through 13th, I'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv. May 19th, I'll be at the Coliseum in Charleston with Big J. Okerson, Shane Gillis, Tim Dillon, and who else? Who's the third one? No, it's me. Ron White. No, it's me.

Ok. San Jose, May 18th, 19th, 20th, Austin, June 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Irvine, June 8th, 9th, and 10th. Guys, I will see you at all those places. I can't wait to see you. All right. Thanks, guys. I love you.

Nice. Yeah.