The Adventure Zone - Ep. 10. Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter One

Episode Date: March 19, 2015

Our heroes are sent out on their first mission as Reclaimers for the Bureau of Balance. Their initial task is an impossible one: Do they possess the competence required to be on time for a train? The answer may surprise you, but — no, actually, it probably won’t. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. Congratulations are in order. The three of you are now fully fledged members of our order. We are happy to have you on as reclaimers. We will send you out on missions and you will do what you did in Fandolin, ideally without involving the destruction of an entire city and the loss of thousands of souls. I mean, ideally, yeah, but like... Griffith, but the capsule game from Shemir into our game.

And also the capsule game from Kroger. You pop up in that capsule. And inside is an axe. And it is set that the rail splitter can in a single swipe chop down any tree. Why don't we go to Fantasy Costco and you can level up while you're walking around? You get the Extreme Teen Bible and the Scuttle, buddy. And I want a warranty. The Bible doesn't need a warranty, sir. It's the good book. All right, let's level you guys up. So I chose Battlemaster. I was kind of thinking of maybe nature.

Interesting. I never pictured you as the Captain Planet type. Yeah, I'm going to be joining the School of Transmutation. Keep your fucking food back to yourself. Well, no, don't duff it in your magical ass. Are you not entertained? And if you are, why don't you make it rain on our ass? It's a Max Fun Drive Adventure Zone. The three of you are sound asleep, like sweet little lambs in your...

We'll call it humble. It is a humble dormitory provided to you by the Bureau of Balance. Have we put up like girly posters and like there's maybe like a lava lamp? No, no posters. The RA comes by every night. And he is a real stickler for posters. He is a dick. What about the dean?

Where's our relationship with the dean like? Good question. You've pranked him a lot. So you're kind of on a shit list. We're like the Delta House. We're on double secret probation. I don't get it. Is that a reference to something?

Animal House references every... Your children, you don't know. Every episode. Welcome to Leonard Moulton's house of old movies. So your dormitory, your room, no windows, kind of like living in a submarine. Are we in a prison? No, but sometimes it feels like it. It's not a prison as much as it is the ground, the entry-level living compartment.

That's the actual classification at the Bureau of Balance. uses the entry level. Co-ed dorm, maybe? No, just, well, if they're not for you specifically, you do have a roommate, you got a double bunk bed situation, and you have a roommate. He is a halfling named Robbie, and he's kind of shitty. He's not a great roommate. He eats all of your snack chips before you even have a chance to get to them. He loses your DVDs. I kind of like his style. There's loose DVDs from your West Wing, like, full collection box set, just, like, laying all over the place. But he's always got the choices potions.

He does have some dank potions, and that's kind of, like, the only thing that he has going for him. So it is, it's about three in the morning. Griffin, I have a serious question for you real quick. Oh, okay. Since we've brought the gauntlet in, are we kind of, like, are we, like, big shits? like here like do people know who we are is it like oh they're the first people to actually collect one of these artifacts are we a big deal yeah um i i would say yeah you you guys are somewhat big shits you kind of got a harry potter vibe going for you right like it's it's you're not

you know nobody's harry potter okay all right okay he's like a um he's a wizard uh you're not nobody's like lifting you up in the hallways and carrying you to your but you you got some respect and that's important uh when you're on the inside again you're not in prison i don't know why i said that um so it's about three in the morning you're you're all sound asleep uh or at least you were uh until you were awoken by uh robbie masturbating robbie just fucking blasting it well where where are you guys i should i hope i'm on the lowered yeah to set the scene where what what is what is your guys bunk situation all i guess i'm of the shortest, so I'm probably under

Robbie's bunk. Why would you think just the smaller races have to sleep in one set of beds and the taller... No, just because the big guys would would overpower me and they would want to sleep with a halfling. No, dwarfs are not necessarily

less physically capable. I'm talking emotionally, emotionally. Oh, well then yes, you are not equipped for confrontation, unless it involves you know, spiritual magics. I would say that... My Kenny Chesney's CDs, right?

Linguishu wanted to be on a bottom bunk, but he's too passive-aggressive, so he's on the top bunk. Taco's on the bottom bunk, but he wants to be on the bottom bunk. Hey, you just pick the top bunk and he just hates it? Well, it depends. Taco, where do you want to be? I'll defer to you. Am I in character? Yep.

We're recording the podcast now. I mean, no, I mean, is that, are you asking Justin, or you asking Taco in character? Ask Taco. It's tough. It's tough. It's tough. It's tough. What do you want, talk?

Who do you want to speak to, Travis? I'm terrified to stay. I'd rather speak to Justin. I like him better. Yeah, I get that. I'll take whatever... I think Taco would be pretty chill about it. I feel like he'd probably fall asleep.

Like, just on whatever the first betty touched. I think that this is actually how it worked out in character in the scene. It was like, no, I know, it's fine. Do you want and Robbie go on? No, please, I'm six. I'll say top, top bunk. Okay, mine is on the bottom bottom. I can let...

I'm levitate, so it's less of a risk for me to be up there. You're also eye level with Robbie, which you may or may not want, because he gets into some whack shit up on the second story of these sleeping. He's got boundary issues. He does. I mean, his boundaries are fine, but he gets into your boundaries and just makes a mess of things. He's all up in your boundaries. It's three in the goddamn morning, and the three of you are woken up by the sound of chimes coming from the intercom. I'm, bing, bing, bing.

And you hear, you hear the voice of Davenport say, would the reclaimers, high church, burn sides, and taco, report to the briefing room. Davenport. I forgot that Taco's last name was also Taco.

Yeah, it's like Mario, Mario. Or Luigi Mario. You are all awoken with a start. Robbie's like, oh, man, what a bummer. I was just getting some, Those good zies. He takes a potion out from under his pillow.

I don't know why I keep these under here. It's real uncomfortable. Slam's it. What soda does it most respectable? I mean, it's not in an aluminum can. Right, it's a liquid, right? He pops the top. Slams it.

What liquid does it most... What liquid soda does it? It's actually kind of got like... It's kind of like orbits. You remember orbits? I was going to say it looks like that nasty stuff with the gel balls. With the gel balls sitting in it.

He looks. He's like, caught you, caught your eye in my gel balls. That's what makes it extra crunchy. And he winks, swings again. Can we get the hell away from him as soon as possible? Griffin, I want to, sidebar, I'm a little worried about this episode. I'm worried that you exhausted yourself so much coming up with the fantasy name Robbie that you may not have the creative juice to get us through the rest of the app.

We need to be reassured. Well, to actually make up for that, all of the characters in this entire campaign chapter will be named Robbie, and that's going to be very confusing for both you guys and the listener. I think it'll all be based on inflection, though, at that point. Because it's like Robbie. Robbie. Robbie. Robbie.

Me? I'm Robbie. And I'm a skeleton. Yo, Robbie, can I get one of them potions before we leave? Do you guys, what do you need? Like, what's your flavor? What's your poison? Give me your crunchiest potion.

He's going to want something that attracts dogs. I'll give you a sampler of... It's called my hair of the dog potion. It won't attract dogs as much as it will just get you real fucked up. He says, hands you a very small sampler vial of hair of the dog potion. Okay, I slip it in my bag. Okay. Robbie's like, hey, can you, do you think while you're out, some Prangles, maybe?

You got it, dude. Come on. Can you take... Also, I got a DVD that's like four months overdue with the red box. No, no. No, Pringles, yes, DVD, no. And it's going to be the Dill Pickle Pringles, too. Oh, man.

Extreme Dill? Okay, I'm imagining you guys are going to the briefing room. I also imagine we don't exactly know where it is. How are we getting there? Just go to a dome. Are there helpful signs? Yeah, there's a dome. And then there's a sign that says this dome is the briefing room.

And we're all still on our PJs. Okay. Footy pajamas is here. The three of you walk into the briefing room in your footies, in your onesies, in your snuggies. Mine has a flap in the back. Of course it does. Is it half open so you can see a little bit of butt?

You can see the left corners on button. You see the little tattoo on his bottom. And what is that tattoo of? That's actually Kenny Chesney too. But that's the face. I got the face on my left butt cheek. And what's on your right, the body? Yeah, I was going to ask, do you have other body parts of Chesney sort of scattered about your body?

That's a lot of history to be unfolded for the rest of the podcast. On his other cheek is Tim McGraw. It's like this terrible hydra with like Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney's face, heads emanating from his buckle. It's a real horror show back there. It's actually, it just says she thinks my, and then there's a tattoo of a tractor. Okay. And an apostrophe, yes.

So kind of a pictogram on your ass. Yeah, it is. It's a full rebus. Kind of a country music, Rebus. Actually, it's Reba's Macon. A Rebus McIntyre. Whoa. Thank you.

I'll be here all week. You are, uh... I hope not. In the briefing chamber with the director, she is reading a large role of parchment. Um, that actually kind of looks like the parchment that you saw the monk carrying when you first encountered the void fish that had all. all of Magic Brian's information on it. And she is sitting over a large map

showing the lands of the Earth world below. And she's reading this parchment. She's very frustrated. And she places it down on the chamber and says, what are you wearing? What are you wearing? What are you wearing? I'm wearing my full business regalia.

Cool. You got ink? underneath that thing? And the three of you look like little Nemo's. Merle, I can see three quarters to four-fifths of your entire butt. I'm sorry, I'm cheating you of one fraction. You look like Jeffie from Family Service. This is my sleepy sack. I good night, Sarah. I guess Mr. Wrong told me not to.

The three of you will need to... Somebody unsit me. The three of you are going to need to suit up. into your business regalia because I have a job for you that I need you on right now. Well, give me like 45 minutes. You don't have 45 minutes. At most, I can give you four. Okay, Magnus starts changing.

Three of that's going to be hair product. She says, mere hours ago, one of our reclaimers, a brave soldier named Lehman Kessler, was murdered. in the city of Rockport. Oh, bummer. His murder came at a most inopportune time because he managed to locate... Is Lehman Kessler a listener?

Uh-huh. So somebody listening at Hill would just like, he-ha-ha-ha-ha-oh. Also, I would ask, when would a murder come at an opportune time? His murder came at a most inopportune time because he had just managed to locate and retrieve one of the grand relics.

His murder came in an opportune time. He'd done everything he wanted to with his life and couldn't think of anything. They watched sullibly as an assassin came in and buried a knife at his heart. And everyone agreed it was the right time for that to happen. Last night, we received a missive telling of his success. But before we could extract him, a thick fog set in over Rockport, which prevented us from sending a sphere to collect him and the relic. However, there is a commuter train that operates out of Rockport

that runs from Rockport through the teeth, the mountain range that separates the continent below, and Inns and Neverwinter, where we could more safely and discreetly extract him. He managed to secure passage on this train, loaded his cargo onto the train, but before it could depart, he was murdered, which is leaving us in quite a sticky situation. Do we know anything about the murderer or how it actually went down? We know nothing. We haven't been able to get into contact with the authorities, and even if we could, there's not much information. We could tell them. It could lead to, I don't know, it could lead to a very difficult situation for us.

We can't explain what he was doing there, why he was murdered. We don't even know why he was murdered because ostensibly nobody would know about the Grand Relic unless they were in the Bureau of Balance. There's a lot, we have a lot of unknowns. Do we know the status of the relic right now? It's on the train as far as we know. And that is where the three of you come in. We will need one of you.

It's up to you to decide whom. Dibs. Okay. That was... We will need one of you to impersonate Lehman. Double dibs. Lehman Kessler. I have secured two other tickets on the train, so all three of you can board.

But one of you will need to be Lehman Kessler. You will need to retrieve the relic and get it back to us any way that you can. What did you tell us about? Like, yeah, what race was he? Lehman was a half-elf man. But there's no guarantee that the operators of the Rockport Limited, even know what he looked like. He could have secured his ticket in advance.

So it's up to you. Any one of you can beat Lehman, whoever he has the, I guess, the most panache, the most flair for the dramatic. performance skill. Whatever it takes. We'll need you to make believe, make pretend. Like a couple of actors.

Or just one actor. I'm actually negative one there, so I'm going to dip a roose. What will the other two be doing? The other two will be ensuring that the new Lehman-Kessler, the fresh off the block Lehman-Kessler, isn't murdered. because obviously someone's going around murdering Lehman Kesslers. This will be also a security job. I got a plus one.

You don't have to figure it out right now. Who are you bringing with you? Well, if I need a body, if somebody needs a bodyguard, I say I'll be Lehman, and that way our best fighter is able to protect me and our best magician is able to protect me. As opposed to all of our other magicians. Well, let's listen, that's a bad. What can you tell us about the artifact? We don't know.

We can't sort of... What's the shit? Well, we know we collected an artifact, but if that missive had been intercepted in the air, we, with that information, that incredibly valuable and dangerous information could have fallen into enemy hands. So we purposefully keep it vague.

Well, great. Let's do it. Are you going to fire us out of the cannon? We absolutely are going to fire you out of them. Yay! Yay! One more question before we go. How do the gauntlets work?

The what now? The gauntlets? The bracers. Oh, you just... Point and click, maybe. Windows 98. Okay, cool. Where's Killian?

Is she going to come with? I'd feel better if you were there. Killian... Killian is a regulator. She cannot go with you on a reclaiming mission. Well, can we signal for her if we get in trouble? The only way you will signal for her is if you find the artifact and use it.

And keep it. And then she will, that signal, yes, will sound off. And then she will come, but not for hang time. She will kill all of you. You are getting a little obvious there, Maggie. What? Listen, she's a fan favorite. I'm trying to reintroduce her to the story.

I guess let's get Johann and Clark in the mix, too, huh? Yeah, I want to keep the people. Can we bring Billy Blue Jeans back? Barry Blue Jeans. It was Barry Blue Jeans. His brother Billy Blue Jeans is in Neverwin. Oh, we met Billy, too. How quickly you forget, huh?

Boy, Barry, he must have made a real impact on you. All right, let's go change, clothes. Magnus has already changed. How did you already change? I started changing when you started telling your story about murdering somebody or something. You got your dick out and your whole naked body out while she was talking to you? Yeah, but nobody noticed. You need to tell me these things while...

I literally said Magnus. starts changing. Oh, okay. Well, yeah. You're very, that was a successful. We thought you made the change of life.

Yeah. I thought you were pupating. Magnus starts changing his opinions about politics. Okay, you run back to your, your dormitory. Robbies there's like, what's up?

Do you all go on a secret mission? Hey, do you have any disguise potions? No. That's a good question. Got a rusted root, CD. I'll take it.

Okay. Um, let me see disguise potion. I'm gonna be sent on my way. This adventure. No, my potions aren't necessarily, um... Useful. No, yeah, they're not utilitarian in nature. I mean, unless a utility you want is to get real fucked up, he says.

I'll take one. Well, okay, I can't just keep giving you guys these... I'll bring you back a Rusty, Judge CD. If you guys actually bring me back a rusted root, I can throw it in mortar and pestle and whip up a kind of potion that has never been invented yet. All right. We'll do it. Okay, the three of you report to the hangar. There's not a lot of people out walking around the campus.

Obviously, most people are sleeping. Not everybody's been assigned a secret 3 a.m. mission. At the hangar, there's... So you're saying, like, the line insecurity is pretty light? Yeah, you make it through TSA like pretty quickly We stop at the Hudson News Magnus actually the TSA wants to know about the super fuck-up The hair of the dog potion that you have

Because it's over two ounces Oh Drink it You're gonna have to slam that right now, they say No Yep, sorry You can either slam it right now or throw it away But I don't want to be fucked up in the canon

slam it Fuck up It may be better that one You know how people Slams it Okay, you immediately Oh gross, we just have to talk Magnus into something Um

You immediately Uh, forget like how to speak well Uh, you're, you are, uh, you will suffer a penalty

to any wisdom checks until, uh, we'll say disadvantage to any wisdom checks until this thing wears off. Um, but you're real chill. You're, you're super duper chill. Um,

and you're real happy. about it. Ditto, is this the first night that we are there? No, sorry, I should have, yeah, I should have set up the timeline. It's been about, it's been about three weeks since you've been there. Things have been pretty quiet. There just hasn't been a whole lot of new intel coming in, and this is the first mission that you guys have really been assigned.

Have we done any sort of like learning, like in the three weeks you've been here? Have we learned anything about the relics or the nature of this organization or anything that we've picked up of use? That's actually a good question. So, yeah, what you've learned, you've learned a little bit about the relics. There's not a whole lot that is like concrete information about the relics because it just by nature of the fact that they were never in the possession of one entity for long enough for that information to be, you know, especially trustworthy. Maybe there were a lot of misinformation campaigns spread during the conflict where people were trying to hunt these down. to get people off of the scent.

So there's not a lot that you know for sure. One thing that you do know is that each of the seven relics belongs to a different school of magic. So the gauntlet that you've found, which can summon huge bouts of flame and, you know, was mainly based around destruction was from the evocation school of magic. So that one's dealt with.

You don't have to deal with that one. But yeah, each of the relics belongs to a different school of magic. So there's alteration, illusion, illusion, necromancy. Accounting. Accounting, Hufflepuff. So, like, there's a lot. Heat and air repair. Uh-huh.

So, yeah, there's medical database entry. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I can think of a couple others. Give me some time. That's actually a Bureau of Balance Tech. Yeah. At the technical...

The two-year Bureau of Balance Community College Technical Institute. Yeah. Yeah, that's about all the information you gain. It's been kind of boring. You just haven't had, like, a lot to do. You've done some training, keeping your bodies right. But... Getting any levels or anything?

No, I gave you two levels in the last episode. We gained six levels. We're now level ten. We can't spend more of an entire episode just leveling you guys up. So, um, it was, it was a smash hit, though. People love, people love leveling up. Yeah, people love mechanics. Uh, there's only one guard standing watch, uh, at the hangar, the night shift, the graveyard shift.

Uh, and it's your old pal Avi, who, uh, gave you the brandy when you first arrived here. Avi. Avi. He's like, hey, guys, what's up? Avi, I'm real fucked up. Oh, dang. What, what happened to this guy? Oh, hair of the dog that bit him. You're not really supposed to, like, get on one of these if you're... I mean, I won't tell.

I'm fine. Okay. You kind of sound like some kind of wolf man. He's totally cool, dude. Why are you... Why is it whisper time? Okay. Do you guys...

Avi, Avi, Avi. Yeah? Avi. Thank you. Yes. You're his best friend. I think you guys are pretty... I think you're a cool dude.

Yeah. Avi. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to go on a mission? I can't. I can't. It's my job.

Okay, we'll meet you down there. Well, I won't be able to... Avi, be cool for two seconds. I think I'm being pretty cool. Offi... Yeah. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Be cool for two seconds.

Okay. We'll see you down there. I won't... Don't... Avi, it's a secret mission. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. You down there. Wink!

You're cool to you. clarification, did he just wink or say wink out loud? It'll be okay. We got him. We got him. It seems like you're having a great time. I would wink back, but I can't. Never learned how.

Do you have any of that brand that we could take with us, though? No, it's like three in the morning. I'm going to actually cut you guys off. You're cut off. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here because I'm about to fire you out of a cannon. Have you guys used one of these before? Is this your first time getting shot, getting blasted? Well, obviously we've been blasted before.

No cannons. Okay, well, it's pretty easy, guys. Just pop in. Magnus gets in. He taps on the sphere to open the door. Somehow Magnus got in before the door was open. It's the same type of sphere that you guys came in to the Bureau balance on.

It is a Volkswagen-sized glass ball with heavy brass fittings all around. Are we talking like Jedda, Beetle, like a van, what kind of Volkswagen? Volkswagen Golf. Okay, thank you. And, yeah, taps on it. Same sort of situation, four shares with straps for you to lock in on. And, uh, yeah. Magnus is down and immediately falls asleep.

You get the extra chair, you're going to, like, recline one and lean back? Well, let's let him lay down in two chairs. Okay. He actually, uh, obvious has, uh, ooh, careful man. Uh, if you do that, you'll definitely die. Shh. That's okay, let him. Well, okay, it'll be kind of a weird way for his character to be, uh, written out of the story, but...

I'll buckle him in both seats. Um... Why is this a thing? Can we just get the fucking cannon or what? Avi be cool. Taco wants action. I want out of this place. Okay.

So there's one seat that is something of the captain's seat, which somebody will need to be in charge of. There's no... I got it. No. No, man. Don't drink and drive. Don't drink potions and drive.

Who wants to be in charge of the land? of this. Taco. Get up here, big boy. Well, I mean, okay, my intelligence and dexterity are both pretty good. I guess it makes sense. I'll take the reins. Okay. Avi says, well, there's not really rains to speak out.

You're going to want to sit in this front left chair, and there's a handle that you're going to feel. You feel it on the left side? Yeah, right there. He's feeling his handle. Dad, what? Yucco, moving on. I get it.

I've got the totally non-sexual handle. He says, before this is super important. Before this thing hits the ground. And then the door shut. Before the door shut. Before it's the guard, you've got to pull the handle. Pull the totally non-sexual handle right before it hits the ground. Or else you go back.

Okay, bye. it. Who was that? Probably obvious. Okay, kick it. Floor it. As soon as the door shuts a large tube pops out, slowly ascends from the ground. Hey, how come Griff, Travis can get away with it? The sphere.

That was in character, Dad. The three of you are loaded on, on top of the departure gate, rolls forward into the tube and a hatch behind you slams shut. And then we sit in the tube for 30 minutes while they check something on the sphere. Yeah, they de-ice the tube for a long time. It's completely pitch black. There's no light whatsoever until you feel this tube that you're in start to descend. What is it about the word tube, Travis?

Because it doesn't even see remotely. Like fallopian tubes? Is that what you're having a raffle about? No, it's just a funny word, Griffin. Descends, you feel it descend, and then you see a small, like, pinpoint of light in front of you. Like an aperture?

And you hear a voice say, Uh, Please put your head flesh with the back of the chair, so you don't break any of your neck bones. I'm the flight safety person and good luck This is a pre-recorded message on the best take we could get

I heard him say flush Departure in three two, one What? Oh sorry The audio quality is not great Because it's like fantasy But I said

I want a large fries It's not three to one Bye And the three of you are flung forward at a velocity that you previously may have considered unsurvivable. Magnus's neck breaks and he dies. Magnus, are you actually laying between two chairs or are you... No, I'm sitting up like a big boy.

Okay. That's, yes. And this experience is especially exhilarating for you. It's basically the ending of 2001 of Space Odyssey. because you guys are basically flying, but you're actually just falling very, very quickly. Would you say it's a sobering experience? Yeah, I would say so.

If only you could open up a window and get some fresh air on your face. Yeah, I would say that the effects of this potion, while potent are not especially long-lasting. It's basically salvia, the salvia of potions. Dad, salvia, it was a legal drug. that you were allowed to take for a long time that would make you basically teleport but for like 15 minutes.

I read about it in Rolling Stone. I was going to say, yeah, this is you telling my character not telling your father. No, yeah, and again, I'm saying, I read about it in Rolling Stone. Even drug is a stretch. It was from the earth. Yeah, it was a...

It was like a blueberry or a potato. A kind, kind, kind bud. But you three all have this knowledge from your reading. From the Rolling Stone. Like Travis said, it's like a blueberry or like a heroin plant. Hey folks, just want to step in here. We've been in the rest of the episode, Justin.

I know, I know, but like this is Justin. Sorry to interrupt. This is Travis out of character. I want to step out of my character. You may know me for my work in the podcast. Justin in the podcast dressing room, a towel around his neck. Oh, hello. Didn't see you come in there.

Tough morning of podcasting When I'm ready to unwind After I have an orbit I have an orbit I have an orbit gum And also soda An orbit soda and I buy plane tickets Why do we have an episode this week

That's a fine question Well it's the Max Fun Drive time What's the Max Fun Drive? Well Max Fun Fun is a podcast network That we're a part of along with other shows That we do like my brother my brother, me, Sawbones, Bunker Buddies, and there's a ton of other podcasts on the network that people love like George Jesse Go and stop podcasting yourself and Lady to the Lady,

Ono Ross and Carey, so many others. And this podcast network is funded by people like you who love our shows. So every year, once a year, we come to you hat in hand and say, hey, if you've enjoyed the podcasting that you've. heard from us over the past year, we would really appreciate a monthly donation to our organization and to the shows you listen to specifically because once you sign up to pledge a monthly gift, you'll say what shows you want your money to go to. And it's actually split between the network and those specific shows. So you're directly supporting the shows that you love on maximum fun.

So I would imagine that we have like a lot of listeners who maybe this is the first show on Maximum Fund that they got down on. We're tapping into that that rich vein of D&D podcast listeners. Sure. Can you explain like what we have used that money for other than just bundles and bundles of salvia? Well, we've used it to purchase the equipment that makes this show possible. We purchased some new microphones to that and I can record. here. We've helped to set up live shows

and stuff like that across the country. We pay our hosting fees. We pay for the art that this podcast, you know, the podcast art for this podcast. All kinds of stuff like that. It goes to help support the show and help make the show what it is. And also,

it also goes to the network so the network can continue to grow and add new shows like Adventure Zone and Bunker Buddies. Straight up, bar none. No holds barred. The Adventure Zone, like, just wouldn't exist. If it was not for the donations that we've gotten, because we've been a part of the network now for, like, what, five years?

So, yeah, stuff like the Adventure Zone and Bunker Buddies and Sawbones, like all the shows that we've, you know, expanded and added, just wouldn't be possible without the support that you guys have given us. And here's the thing, you can become a max fund donor for just $5 a month. What? I know, as low as $5 a month. And for $5 a month, here's the thing. not only do you get the wonderful feeling of knowing that you're supporting an awesome network,

you also actually get shit, which is pretty cool. Hey, dad, I want my daddy to tell me what I get for gifts. Come on radio professional. Come on radio professional. All right, like for five bucks a month, you get an exclusive bonus content amount. You get an exclusive bonus content. You can't get any other way. There's tons.

Like, there's literally years of material. I think I, like, added it up, and it's literally like, days of worth of stuff to listen to that goes back five years. Including a bonus adventure zone episode. We know that you get lonely in those weeks off, not during Max Fun Drive because we're doing two consecutive weeks of episodes,

which don't get used to because it's still killing us to make that. But if you want even more, we have a 45-minute long prequel to the Adventure Zone that tells the story of how Merle, Taco, and Magnus met and became adventuring buddies, and it's really great, and some of my favorite characters I've ever devised are in it, and now I'm never going to get to use them again. But if you want to be, if you want to hear that, you got to become a monthly maximum

fund donor member. Dad, what about $10? Yeah, if you want more, $10, you get the drive-exclusive tote bag. That's French for tote bag. Yep. Now, do I still get the bonus content? Oh, yeah. That's the beauty of it.

You really took a shot in the dark thing. I really had no idea. You got it in one. I have a lot of knowledge. I am, you know, I'm new. Daddy? Hey, Daddy. Yes, son.

You have been a, I don't know how much our listeners know about you and your style. Client McRoy. Because they know about us, right? If they've been listening to my brother and my brother, me, they know our deepest, darkest secrets. They know every angle of us. They may not know. You've been working in radio for 60 years? 40 years?

Is it really 40 goddamn years? Man, you're all this shit. 40 goddamn years, trust me. And have you ever done a pledge drive before? No, I have participated in bonus episodes here. But I've never been the person that made the plea. Haven't you done like a PBS? I'm talking about it.

Actually, I did do a PBS fundraiser with John Pertwey, Doctor Who number three I wore a Doctor Who number four scarf And he made great fun of me As well he should I can't imagine why So you should be like super dope at this And you should really bring in the big bag

Well let me see how I do with this one Okay $20 per month You get the in-flight power pack I'm talking the mobile device charger The collapsible water bottle Antibacterial wipes You get the pilot wings too Those all have the maximum fun

Rocketship logo on them right Yeah they do And maybe you're wondering do you still get the exclusive bonus content? Do you still get the exclusive tote bag? I don't know. Yes, you do. You do.

Now, let's say you want $35 a month to go to us. How about a pair of Rocket Engraved shot glasses? In case you're a two-fisted drinker, you can just wham them back, wham them back, and get all the other stuff. You're not responsible for anything that happens to you after whamming them back. $100 per month membership in the inner circle. What's that? That is where we sacrifice.

animals on an altar of blood. The altar's made of blood? How does that even work? Is it frozen? It's very, you add a lot of like gel to it. Frozen blood, ice. Frozen blood is like a jello mold of blood. Let me step in here before we make it more.

It's maximum fun.org slash donate is the place to go do this. You're certainly already feverishly Googling to figure out how you give us money. Maximumfund.org for us. Donate. The inner circle. It's a secret club where Maximum Fun hosts every month will send you, one of the hosts of Maximum Fun will send you something special, something that they love that's important to them. And if you're part of the inner circle, you're going to gift that gift in the mail every month.

True or false, did we not send people a digital copy of the movie Meet the Dietels? Or did we try to? No, incorrect. We tried to do that. That was unavailable. That one's locked away soundly in the Disney vault. We sent the Buckshot LaFunk CD. Oh, yeah.

Brain from ourselves. Jazz, pop, funk, rap, experimentation of Buckshot LaFunk. Now, say I want to do, I want to go all out. Big money, cash money, $200 per month. No, can't do it. It's not possible. We're hearing from our boss upstairs that for a limited time you can do two hours. God is talking to us.

Get that money, son. How about free registration for Max FunCon 2016? Paper chase, homies. $200 a month, you get everything that we've described so far, and registration for Max FunCon 2016. Max FunCon is wonderful, by the way. Yeah, if you're already a donor to the network, you can still get these gifts.

You just need to step up your pledge drive amount. If you're at $20 right now, go to $35. You get the whole kit and caboodle. You're at $10. Go to $20. Do a little bit more. Have you started listening to new shows over the past year? You know, you've started listening to VentureZone or some of the other shows on the Maximum Fund Network.

Please, we just, we can only do this because you support it. So don't wait. Go right now while you're thinking about it. Go to maximum fund.org slash donate. I want to someday make enough money that we can do this every week. We're looking for a cure. And not only that. We're looking for a cure.

Let me say this. Death fever. If you're already a donor and like you're giving at the level that you, you know, that you can comfortably do. But maybe because of new shows like Adventure Zone, you've shared them with other people. Like you have friends that you know have become fans of Max Fun because you said, hey, listen to this show. I know you like Dungeons of Dragons is really funny. Now they started listening. Encourage them.

Say like, hey, are you a donor? This is the time to give. You're going to get extra stuff. You know, starting at 5 or 10. If you're not a donor, keep in mind that every new. donor we get, we have challenge donors that are kicking in a set amount for every, for every new donor that we get, and there's a lot of challenge donors. So even if you kick in at the $5 a month level, we are going to get like a pretty big donation just because you joined up from all the challenge donors. So keep that in mind to it. It's basically doubling up on your, on your donation.

If you can't donate, I understand sometimes times are really tight. You can't kick in that $5 a month. We totally understand. If you would, though, if you can't do that, please help us spread the word about the drive. You can use the MaxfundDrive hashtag and use that link, Maximumfund.org for it slash donate. Just help us get the word out about the drive going on and help bully other people into and let me say, this is also a chance for us to say thank you so much. Whenever you start a new show like Adventure Zone, you start a new thing, it's always kind of like, man, I really hope people like this because we like doing it. I literally thought 10 people were going to listen to it.

And you guys have been so amazing. It's really wonderful to launch a new show and get such a response to it right away. So whether you donate or not, just thank you very much for listening. Thank you for enjoying our show and other shows like this on maximum fun.org. You guys are really, really wonderful.

Thank you so much. That was really sincere. Yeah, that's how we do it. Should we get back to the adventure? Let's get back to the show. Oh, if you donate. Maximumfund.comfund.org for us donate. If you donate, tweet out of something, thank you.

Yes. Oh, yes. Yes. The three of you aren't falling so much as you are, you weren't shot out of this cannon straight down. Rather, you were shot at kind of a steep angle. You're almost going forwards more than you're going down. And it's kind of beautiful.

The sun is rising over the teeth, which is a towering mountain range that runs over a long it's three. I'm incapable of saying that word. Is itthmus, the one that's like a strip of land connecting to bigger pieces of land? Okay. Like the isthmus of Panama. Right.

You can say Christmas. Why is this hard? It's the ongoing war on itthmus. You're flying over the teeth. It's beautiful. It is the scariest, imaginable way to travel. it is not without its benefits because you get a full 360 degree panoramic view of the world around you.

And so you're flying over the teeth when you reach the end of the range when you finally start to descend. Again, it's just so beautiful you are flying over a flock of Pegasuses. Pegas Eye And you're actually getting really close To them as you're descending And you're going so fast I pull the handle

You pull the handle That was like intoxicating though for a second I was just like staring at it like Let's just let it end Okay you pull the handle You're still about You're still a good nine episodes You're still about a good run

We all hold hands You're still about a mile off the ground and you pull the handle right, actually, right before you were about to collide with this flock of Pegasai. No, it's Pegasus. And you pull the handle and your sphere is encased in a silvery light and your descent starts to slow down. Right actually as you get into this flock of Pegasai. You haven't, you didn't obliterate any of them with your trajectory. You have slowed down.

However, you are now spending a lot of time being caught in this flock, and they are panicked. A few of them run into the de-glass chamber, and by the time that you get out of this swarm of beautiful winged horses. They're just pooping everywhere. We are covered in pegashit. You are covered in pegashit and your trajectory has changed pretty wildly. Well, super cool, DM. What?

Well, we're supposed to get on a train. You've ruined it with their storytelling. I didn't tell you to pull the handle. Your trajectory has changed pretty wildly. You are, you've basically turned about 90 degrees to the left in the direction that you were originally headed away from a lush, soft green pasture outside of the town of Rockport, which you can see the lights of below. You are moving away from that destination and into a thickly wooded area. Super cool.

Just by triangulating, you're guessing it's a few miles outside of Rockport. And as you pierce through the top layer, the canopy of these woods, and look down, you realize just as you land that you are in a swamp. You realize just as you land that you've never truly loved anyone. No, it's not a crash landing. It is a soft landing. But you have landed in the mucky mire of... a swamp. You are strapped in.

You're actually kind of face down. You're facing down, so you're strapped in sort of hanging from the chairs looking down at this swamp. And that is where you are. Okay. Do we see, is there anything we can see? Other than swamp, any landmarks or anything? No. It is, there are a lot of trees around that are,

sort of blocking your vision. The only thing you can see is the mucky water below, which your sphere is kind of starting to sink into. Okay. Okay. Now, where's the door? Is it in front of us on the muck side? Do we need to roll the sphere backwards or something?

The door is face down in the muck. The door is submerged. It's still closed. The muck water's not getting in. I would like to take a throw ourselves backwards so it rolls out of the muck and the door's free roll. that was a lot of things that was a lot of concepts that you just give it to us

how mad would they be how mad would the bureau be if I just smash this thing do they have more of them is this the only sphere they've got you saw several of these spheres in the hangar so yes they have more of them

I like my roll up backwards and free the door idea but sure go for that okay try it are you going to try and do it while you are still strapped into these chairs hanging from the ceiling? Because it might be hard to get leverage.

All right. Let's unstrap. And then push against the side so we begin the sphere rolling until the door is free. Okay. By the time the three of you get unstrapped without, you know, landing on each other comically, the sphere is about one-third submerged in the goo. Okay. What's your approach going to be?

Are you trying to just basically hamster ball this? Yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking. It's like sinking, though, right? There's nothing solid below us. Are we sinking? Yeah. Okay, we're not going to be able to roll it. Oh, sure, yeah.

I'm getting out. I climb out of the door and leave. The door's door is underwater. Okay. What? You're going to kill us. The door is under goo. Wait, I saw this on Mythbusters.

We have to wait until it's completely submerged, and then the pressure equalizes. We can open the door. swim out. The swamp that you are sinking into is not water. It is a viscous sort of almost quicksand-like goo. How heavy would you say the orb is? It is the dimensions and weight of a Volkswagen Gulf.

Okay, I smashed through the side of it. Okay. God damn it. What? Somebody's like mowing their lawn right outside of Lik Tora. Oh, I thought I'd made a choice, and you're like, well, fuck. You really back me into a corner, Travis. Okay, with your axe?

With my phantom fist. I'm going to punch through. Okay. Using your heavy plate gauntlet phantom fist, which you purchased in the last episode, you rear back and punch forward as you do a larger spectral hand sort of wraps itself around your own and helps you in this endeavor. and you smash through the glass a couple feet above the water line of the goo. And you have successfully made a hole that is big enough for the three of you to fit through.

Not all at once, that would be hilarious. But the three of you can get through this hole that you've created. We do that. Fully. Okay, the three of you fully get through the door, by door I mean makeshift hole that you have just blasted in the side of this thing and have made it out onto the swamp it is very very tricky terrain one might even call it difficult terrain it's hard to keep your footing and it's hard to

sort of keep yourself moving so that you don't also get glorped down Don't my magic jumping boots Help me in difficult terrain Am I making that up? I think you're making it up Hmm I guess it's open to debate If only this game were made of everyone

Making stuff up Huh anyways You uh Yeah so the three of you've made it out The sphere is almost totally submerged Um Oh I left my wallet in there Would

What if I were to do like um If I were to use the ray of frost, could I freeze the swamp around it? That's for the shot. We got a thing going here, maybe. Yeah, yeah, let's see what happens. Maybe the blue ring would help him, too. That's a frost resistance ring. Yeah, yeah, but ice is beverages.

It helps me. A swamp is not a beverage. I'm just going to go ahead and cut you off with the past there, Dad. Swamps aren't drinkable. Well, don't forge your choice is all. My daddy can drink any swampy once. Okay, I'll cast Ray of Frost to try to try, sorry, I like morphed back into Justin because I'm not saying out loud what I'm doing. I'm going to cast Ring of Frost, Ray of Frost, sort of like the swamp around the ball to try to halt its sinkage.

Okay, yeah, you do that. You sort of do a quick circle of Rea Frost around the sphere, and you have managed to, freeze at least the top part of the swamp, which has managed to halt the descent of your sphere. Okay, okay, listen, listen, we need to get busy here. I don't have, I don't have any magic that can help point us in the direction we need to go. We're trying to catch a train, right? Yes.

Okay. Yeah. I don't have, none of my spells sort of leap to mind that would be helpful to us. Um, you're, uh, hideous laughter or nothing. You guys have any like spells or, uh, abilities? Can I do a perception check to see if I can, can sense any, like, train-like activities? Uh, can you do, sorry, a perception check to see if you sense any train-like abilities. Like, a distant flood lamp, or perhaps a place where tracks used to be, but aren't right now.

This is a solid, solid, solid plan. Yeah, so that is some solid engineering, is what that is. We use, I got a one. So you failed on your, critically failed on your,

but we, we know the direction, we could start shoveling swamp into my mouth. We could see rock port when we landed. The three of you, I'm going to set the scene. The three of you are standing in swamp water, just sort of stomping around to keep yourself from,

sinking. You have frozen the swamp around the sphere. As the three of you are debating furiously about what trains could possibly be close to you, you hear kind of a goopy sound coming from above you in the canopy of the trees above. And you get a goofy sound. A goopy sound. Yeah, kind of like a... Oh, great. Okay.

Can I do a perception check to see if I... Let's all do a perception check. I got a 16. I got a 13. Oh, I got 15, because I have a minus one perception. 14. Okay. Magnus, you see, just for a flash of a second.

a green, slimy, eye stalk popping out of the canopy of the largest tree above, and as soon as you sort of make eye contact with it, it zips back up into the tree. Hello! Do you know where the train is? Magnus, actually, as you yell at it to try and negotiate or get it, some information. The i.stock pops back out. And then further down the branch, another eye stock pops out.

And then from a hole in the tree, another eye stock pops out. What up? And slowly from those three positions, you see begin to climb out these dark green leeches begin to come out of the tree. The ones on the branches are descending towards you on strings of goo and plop down on the surface of the swamp next to you. The one coming out of the tree

has made it down to the base of the tree. And the one that just came down off the tree, the biggest one, rears back and opens a mouth lined with three rows of razor-sharp teeth. And it begins hissing at you. Hello. And it's...

So I was asking you about a train. And it is it's initiative time. Do you guys remember battles? I've heard of them. Five. Ten. 20.

Wow. Top of the order is Merle. You are on difficult terrain, which means that your movement speed is going to be halved. The leeches are basically lined up in a row in front of you.

They all came down off the same tree, and they are, they're close. They're about 10 feet away. All right. I want to cast thorn whip at them. What is that? I have no idea what you're talking about. All right.

You create a long vine-like whip covered in thorns that lashes out at your command towards a creature in range. You make a melee spell attack against the target. If the attack hits, the creature takes one D. six piercing damage, and if the creature is large or smaller, you pull the creature up to 10 feet closer to you. Okay. Is this a spell?

What, is this a second level spell? This is one of the cantripes that was managed me when I switched over. I see. Cool. Okay. All right. Sweet. Whip away.

15. 15. Is that just what you rolled? That's what I rolled. And then you have your spell casting modifier, and you have plus one because you have your extreme teen Bible now. I think it was plus five before, so it should be plus five. So it should be plus six.

with your teen Bible, so 21. So 21. Yeah, that's a hit. Right, and then I roll a D6. It's a 6. Perfect. Magnus yells, don't move them. Okay.

Wait, do you have to move him? Doesn't have to, huh? Okay, cool. Yeah, you have whipped him. You whipped him good. Are you done? How many little things are poking out? There are three leashes.

Okay. So which one did he just... The one in the middle? The one in the middle? The one that came down off the branch? Yeah. Okay. Are you done with your turn?

I think so. Okay. You sink into the swamp to about your waist. Good luck. Next in the order is Magnus. Do we know how much damage we did to him? Six damage. You said it out loud with your mouth.

Oh, okay. I'm going to run over to the tree or move to the tree that came. down off of. Okay. And I'm going to use rail splitter to fell it, so it falls over on top of all three of them. Okay. Awesome. Yeah, you distribute a devastating chop to the base of the tree that the three of them came down on,

angled in a manner to make it sort of slide off in their direction. You give it the old Bouchito blade. It's almost like it's pronounced Bishimi blade. Give the old Bishimi blade. It's like you didn't, it's like you felt nothing as you went through. It was almost like you were chopping through a curtain or something. Sorry, I need to mute our mic. Dad has decided to take this opportunity to enjoy a popcorn snack.

Oh, wow. So literally the worst possible audible thing. I put it down. Please don't eat a popcorn snack. I was actually looking forward to enjoy the popcorn snack with you. Well, maybe like, during a break. No, it's not like we couldn't tell that you weren't eating a goddamn popcorn snack. It was like you were breakdancing on...

Really? How do you know this was my first bag? So Travis is doing some dope shit if you guys would allow him. Yeah, yeah. The rail splitter passes through the tree like a baseball bat passing through a ghost. And the tree slides off of the base and begins to fall in a straight line towards the leeches. and they are going to make dexterity saving throws to try and get out of the way. The first one, the one at the base closest to the tree.

Well, the two, which is a five, that's not going to do it. The one in the middle that just got attacked. Got a 19, that will do it. He darts forward towards you. I'm assuming Travis, since you ran over to the base of the tree to make this happen. Yes. Okay.

I stated that. Okay. And the third one rolls in 18, which is sufficient. He darts forward, too. But the tree falls to the side and just completely obliterates the leech that was closest to the base, the one that was actually right next to you, Magnus. Did someone eat popcorn? Dang, he's good.

Yeah, I'm really good. So you have destroyed one of these leashes. there's two left and I'm going I just want to say like this is the first D&D I appreciate this as a podcast this is the first D&D in history where someone has not been able to

enjoy a salty snack yeah yeah really never it like the two shouldn't even it should be in the fucking players handbook like be sure to get your salty snack to enjoy as you play D&D realism is just blown all the hell yeah sorry but

I feel like I'm working. I feel like I'm preparing my taxes. That's what D&D is without salty snacks. There, I got that off of my chest. Well, we'll need to come up with some sort of, like, one of those booths that they have at carnivals for the money blows around. Listen to Rosa Crunch over here. Listen to who? Rosa Crunch.

He's not going to the back of the snack bus. Okay. You know that she wasn't called Rosa Van, right, Guston? She wasn't called Rosa Bus. What are you talking about? He just is getting crunching Go ahead, move me

I'm going to step up on I'm going to step up on the stump Okay, you're stumping That's a good idea This podcast is an auditory nightmare Hellscape Thanks for the money though One more time before we let you all go

First thanks for hanging out with this for an hour If you are able to help support the Adventure Zone If you like what you're listening to here And you would like us to keep making it and keep supporting us and making new stuff and all the other hosts of the Maximum Fun Network. Please take a moment right now. Go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and help us make more great content. Remember, 10 bucks a month. You get a drive exclusive tote bag plus a ton of bonus material that goes back for years of new stuff. 20 bucks. You get that, the tote bag and a mobile

device charger, classful water bottle, anti-bacterial wipes, and pilot wings. And for 35 bucks, you know, that plus a pair of rocket engraved shot glasses with the maximum logo on it there's a ton of stuff but above all that what you really get is our gratitude you really get our thanks and our love you won't get that love no I'm just kidding you'll get it no matter what we love you no matter what

and we're talking emotional love right yes whatever it takes to get that money good point so go to maximum fund org forward slash donate now and then tweet at us let us know so we can thank you and then tweet your friends and tell them to go All our Twitters are just our names. Daddy, what's your Twitter? Doc Kerm.

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