The Adventure Zone - Ep. 11. Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Two

Episode Date: March 26, 2015

Our heroes attempt to make the best out of a swampy situation, and race to Rockport before they miss a fateful train. They also meet a beloved radio personality and spokesperson, and hold him ransom for MaxFunDrive donations. Magnus exhibits his upper body strength. Taako gets charming. Merle takes a stink-bath. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone, one of our reclaimers, a brave soldier named Lehman Kessler, was murdered in the city of Rockport. He had just managed to locate and retrieve one of the grand relics. He managed to secure passage on this train, loaded his cargo onto the train, so all three of you can board, but one of you will need to be Lehman Kessler, retrieve the relic, and get it back to us any way that you, can. Is it this? Yeah. Shh,

be cool for two seconds. Okay. You pull the handle and your descent starts to slow down. You realize just as you land that you are in a swamp. These dark green leeches begin to come out of the tree. I'm going to run over to the tree and I'm going to use rail splitter to fell it so it falls over on top of all three of them. Okay. Awesome.

But the tree falls to the side. and just completely obliterates the leech that was closest to the base, the one that was actually right next to you, Magnus. Listen to Rosa Crunch over here. Are you a Max Fun Drive donor or a Max Fun Drive bow? Time to make up your mind as you enter the Adventure Zone. Is that the music? Yeah, good work, Travis.

What is that music, by the way? I wrote it with my mouth. Travis, the opening theme to the adventure zone, is just Travis doing Acapella. Wow. One leach down. Next in the order is actually the leeches. They, the two of them are. Two of them mourn their fallen friend.

They lose a turn. They're about five feet apart. No, Stephen. In front of the felled tree. One of them scoches over towards Magnus, and one of them scoches over towards Magnus, and one of them scoches over toward Merle. Magnus, the leech that has moved over

towards you doesn't actually lunge forward and attack. It actually rears back and opens up that hideous sarlac-like mouth. You see its haunting glottis part in the back of its throat and it tries to spray you with a stinky yellow fluid,

fluid. And you are going to need to make a dexterity saving throw to prevent. How do I do that? Just roll D20. Roll a D20 and add your decks. That is 17? 17. Okay. Yeah, you dodge out of the way of this stinky yellow fluid. It lands with a splash. Guys, look out for their glottis. Merle, the injured one that you hit with the thorn whip, has moved over to you. You are waist deep in the up. You sank down during your last turn. It does rear back and attacks you. And it gets a 19 versus your AC. I'm going to use my defender thing. You are not next to Dad, so you cannot. You have to be within five feet. Do I? Yes. I am going to... You basically, in order to use that, Travis, you have to be, like... Right next to him.

...fighting in melee with the same person. Sorry, I thought it was someone I could see. It's been a while since we fought anything. Yeah, because you're not Captain America. You can't, like, chuck your shield in front of them. I look forward to gaining head ability later on whenever the DM deems it appropriate. Well, I gave you an instant chop down tree axe in the last episode. So, when we started the last episode, I was in my head going, I hope Griffin puts me near a tree.

Even if it's just like walking down a road, there's a tree. Myg just chops it. Merle, what are you going to, do you have something to prevent this attack? Because you said you were going to do something Yeah, I thought it was my turn No, it's the leech's turn And he has bitten you for Ooh, damn, nine damage

Wait, did the leach roll to attack? Yeah I don't get a chance to evade He rolled a 19 against your AC God, it has been a while since we've done a battle, huh? What am D&D? Yeah, he rolled a 19 against your AC

What's your AC? 18? Yeah, so he hits, he rolled a nine for the damage. And he doesn't just bite you. He actually... He empties out your bank account. He bites you, well, he... It steals your identity. He empties out your blood account a little bit. He, uh, he latches on there, and he gets, uh, he gets a good, uh, pint and a half of your blood out of you. Uh, and when he... That's ridiculous. You don't know how much a pint of it. That's a lot. Gervin, that's a lot. Gervin, that's a lot. of blood. That's three cups of blood. Hey, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. He drank three cups of blood? I can spare it. I'm all right. Now, I'm pissed now. You can spare it? Did Merle have a lot of extra blood? We don't know if that's... And there's the time expended... Did he just say, well, he's going to be at that for a while? I'm going to go have a lie down. Try to find some little

debby's. No, he basically just shotguned dad. He basically just shotguned Merle. Um, yeah, he got... I'm going to stick with a pint and a half. Sucked that right out of view and when he when he detaches he actually looks a little bit hardier than he did just just before the time. He's grown a beard. Now it is

Taco's turn. Toco Tuesday. Yeah, how close are those two homies to each other? They are, they're about 15 feet away from each other. One is sort of engaged with with Magnus and one just had the exact right number.

Okay. I'm going to cast Thunderwave. Thunderwave. What is that now? Well, let me tell you about Thunderwave. Let me tell you about this new heat. And he strikes like Thunderwave. It's a spell that sounds most like an afternoon drive shop dock radio show.

Thunderwave. You got Thunderwave and the leech coming at you live. Every day you drive at five. You're in the afternoon. Zoom. Dad, you're a little too good at that. that. A wave of thunderous force sweeps out from me.

Shit. Each creature in a 15 foot cube originating from you must make a Constitution saving throw. On a failed save, a creature takes 2D8 thunder damage and it's pushed 10 feet away. On a successful save, it takes half as much damage and isn't pushed. Okay. So because they are... Oh, it hits them

no matter what? Yeah, I mean, they're going to get hit. It's just about how much, whether or not they can cut that damage in half. Okay. So what am I rolling to prevent this? Uh, constitution. Okay. Let me come up with a fake number because I didn't come up with leach constitution because frankly, Justin, I just didn't think it was going to come up. Well, we see behind the curtain and it's messy back there. You know what? I'll roll a D6. That's the only fair thing to do. Okay. All right. Uh, and I'm just trying to beat your spellcasting. Your, your, yeah. So it was 13 before. Now it's four. 14, because you got the plus one.

Correct. Number stuff. Okay. The first one gets an 11. So he's going to take it. The other one crits, 20. He's super constituted. The first one, the first one that you hit, the one closest to you would be the one that just drained, that just shotguned.

Merle. So he's the one, I guess, who's going to take the damage. So he takes 11 damage. Holy shit. Okay, he's bloodied. And some of that blood is Merle, so you know what's up. You always round down. Yeah, the other one is going to take half damage?

Yeah, five. That's a good spell. Yeah, thanks. I'm pretty partial to it. Okay. The one that just tried to spray, Magnus is not bloody, but he takes the damage. I was considering making it so that the electricity would actually shock Merle a little bit, But I think we've established this is not water per se, and I don't think that it would... Plus, Griffin's thunder is not electricity.

Lightning is electricity. Well, scientists still have yet to... Kind of like global warming, how nobody's, like, figured out if that's really a thing yet. People are still kind of confused about which one is thunder and which one is lightning. And are they both pushed? The full damage one gets pushed 10 feet, the other one is not pushed. Do you get to choose which direction? I would think, and this is just like me pulling this out of my ass,

but I would think it would be in a line from me to them. Yeah. Okay. Okay, the leech that you hit for full damage, the one that was having a dad snack, goes flying back 10 feet, lands relatively close to the other leech. You basically just blasted it right next to Magnus on the stump. So you got the two leeches by the stump with, Magnus on top of it.

Is the tree close enough to them, ditto, that they can, like, that Merle and Taco can, like, grab it and stop sinking? No, it's, I mean, it's a good 15 feet away. Oh, okay. Next in the order is Merle. Merle, you are waist deep in muck, which obviously you are not going to be able to move until you remedy that.

And your arm feels really cold. Why is that? That's what happens when you donate blood. Oh, okay. Yeah, you haven't had your orange juice. Yeah, do I get cookies? And graham crackers. Yeah, no.

Yeah, the leach bites you and then goes, here you go. Enjoy these peanut butter cookies I made. All right. I'm a leach, leach, leach. I'm going to cast something I think would be good for all three of us. Okay. That's my nature. I'm going to cast Tensers Floating Disc.

Are you sure that this sounds like a wizard spell? I have changed my mind about what I'm going to do. Yeah, I was about to say that sounds like some Harry Potter-ass shit. It's first level. Yeah, but it's wizards. I shall cast Flame Blade, which is on my list. Which one of them is the most damaged? Which one of the leeches?

They are, there's a bloodied one. They're both relatively in the same location. Is this a second-level spell? Yes, it is. Okay. Second-level evocation. You evoke a fiery blade in your free hand. Travis is going to be so jealous.

The blade is similar in size and shape to a scimitar. Oh, man. How are you? So just another rule clarification. I'm assuming that you make a melee attack with this flaming scimitar? Yes, a melee spell attack with the fiery blade. Yeah, you are not in melee range of these guys. You are sunk half waist deep in the muck, and they are like about 15 feet away from you.

Okay. I hate to keep salt in your game, Daddy, but you got to do... Come on, Dad. Let's do a D&D podcast. It'll be a blast. I cast Sacred Flame. Hell yeah. Now, this is a spell you are legally allowed to cast.

Flame-like radiance descends on a creature that you can see within range. I assume I can see. Okay. Oh, no, you had your eyes closed when you cast it. Oh, no, you got swamp jizz in your eyes. I'm the only one you keep... given muck updates to and it's because I'm short. It's all right. No, you sank into it. You sank into the goo in your last year. Yeah, but you said waist

deep. Oh shit, wait. And my waist is a lot. Retcon alert, Griffin forgot something. Ratcon alert. Uh-huh. Um, Taco, you didn't move last turn, did you? No. You sank waste deep into the mud as well. That was the brakes. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yep. Okay, so both Taco and Merle, you are, you are right, dad. I was being unfair. Both of you have sunk into the goo. Ha ha! Ha! Wait. Guys, bad news, I lost my legs. They take one D8 radiant damage. Just one of them though, right? It's not in a range.

Yeah, I want to hit the bloody one that gave me the hickie. The bloody one, and he's making a saving throw? He makes a dexterity saving throw. Okay. I actually already gave them a dexterity modifier. Six. Not going to do it. Plus one for your Extreme Teen Bible. Wait a minute.

Give me Nate. Oh, that's an automatic zero. Yep. If you don't show up prepared, then you take the zero. No number two pencil, eh? To one, and then a one, because I have my Extreme Team Bible. Right. Most scientists and mathematicians agree that that is two.

But it can't be proven. Okay. Okay. And I don't add any modifier to it? Nope. Okay. If only you cast that burning sword spell, that sounded dope. Yeah, it's kind of really cool, you guys.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Merle says, eat me. Okay, to the heavens? To the nudgeable narrator? He becomes momentarily aware of your existence. Is that it for your turn? Yeah, I guess. Okay, you have sank completely.

Back on that popcorn grind, though. You have sank. Don't, no popcorn. Oh, I'm sorry. He got that two damage off. He got that one sunburn on a leaf. It was like, oh, time to popcorn out. Did I?

Time for a little victory popcorn. Did I break another rule? So it's important for you to know that this is not in punishment for your impunity, but you have sank completely into the slime. Uh-huh. And you are going to take some poison damage because you can't breathe slime. You know, I forgot one birthday, Griffin. I'm so sorry.

Go ahead and take seven poison damage. Sure. Yeah. Okay. And you are completely submerged in in swamp now. Can I ask the question? Is the poison damage because he can't breathe liquid, or is it because the swamp itself is dangerous? It is because he can't breathe poison swamp goo.

It's poison swamp goo. It is if you breathe it. If you drink it and you get it in your mouth and you drink it, it's going to hurt. Okay. Are there fish? Is there a wild light? I mean, is there aquatic life? It's fine.

What do we have to do to save the wetlands? I would be more worried about saving the cleric at this point. Next in the order is Magnus Burnside. Okay. You are safe on your stump. I'm going to run down the foiled tree to where... I'm coming to get you, Magnus. Okay.

Whatever I can do to get me closest to... where Murrell went down. The tree is not going to be difficult terrain. So you can move down that. It'll take you about five feet to get to a point where you can get sort of a straight line to try and run to Murrell. But once you get into this one, it will be difficult terrain and you won't have enough movement to get there. So you could try a leap. You could do a leap in loafers.

You could try and do some Tarzan shit. Oh, yeah, wait. No, I can leap up to my speed, right? We should really be writing this stuff down. The boots of striding and springing or the leap and loafers, as we have called them, allow you to jump three times your normal distance. So we'll say 15 feet. Cool.

Can I jump from the tree then? Like, what? Can I make it to him that way? Yeah. Yeah. You'll have enough movement to do that. You straight up airbud that shit. Well, before I go.

Oh, okay. I'm going to tie the rope off to like a branch or something. What rope? I got rope. Everybody's got rope. It's in my adventurous kit Okay, but that's going to be your action, homie If you do that

Tying a rope is an action That's like, that's level one This is Thursday of school shit No, that's, I mean Yes, but you are taking the time To do something That would be considered an action Okay, then I don't

Pressing a button or flipping a switch Then I don't tie the rope Okay, all right I just jump over Because I love Murrow So damn much. Okay. And I reach in and pull them out of the goddamn swamp.

Well, okay. Again, we're going to need to make some checks because we're playing Dungeons and Dragons. It's like a drilling adventure hour in here. You're going to have to make some checks because that's how we play Dungeons and dragons. You don't just say things and do it because it's a video game. Well, it's a board game.

Scientists have yet to agree. So you're going to plunge your hand into the goo where you think you just saw Merle. You reach in. you get a little bit of beard. Do you have a beard? Wow, Dad, you should really be in charge of the fully work. You do a much better job than I do.

And Merle, why don't you make a, or Magnus, why don't you make a... He makes everything sound goofy. That's true. I don't like it. Well, that's sort of like my... What tickles my fancy? Magnus, why don't you pull your cleric out? Okay.

I roll... What's that? Strength? Strength. Yeah, we'll do a string check. Okay, great. So that was a 15. 15.

Yeah, you in one smooth motion remove the cleric from the swampy goo. You pull him out and pop him back down on, well, not terra firma. It's still swamped, but he is, he's okay. Terra slima. Terra slima, yeah, sure. And do I have any move? Like, that was all my move, right? That was it, yeah.

But you don't sink in. I don't? Nope. Uh-huh. As long as you move, you don't sink, kids. Next in the order is... Is the leeches? They both scurry towards the party.

You guys are relatively close together. One of them actually goes for Taco, who is half submerged, and one of them goes for Magnus. Magnus again, one of them rears back and spews its yellow spew at you from its haunting glottis and you are going to make it Xarity saving throw.

Saving throw, decks, two, I got ten. Ten, that is insufficient. You are sprayed with fluid. You take five damage and the fluid as it hits you almost like magic shell

upon a scoop of ice cream, firms up and becomes almost web-like, and you are restrained, meaning you have zero movement until you can successfully make a dexterity saving throw at the end of your turn. Okay. The other leech just goes for taco and tries to chow down. 16.

I will use my defender thing here, though, Yeah, you are close enough for that. Okay. Eight. Probably not going to hit AC on Taco. 12. No. Yeah, 12.

12. Okay. Yeah, you... Does that increase over with leveling up or... We got to get you some new armor. I think it is armor and also your dexterity modifier. As you increase that, your AC also goes up. Okay.

Right. So it's still 12. Okay. Yeah. So he does not manage to shut down. Uh, Taco, it is your turn. You are half submerged. You got a leech right up on you. Um, uh, it is the hardier of the two leeches. The leech, uh, that just, uh, sprayed Magnus is on death store. You guys are pretty clump together at this point. Can I walk? You can't. Um, you can try and pull yourself out, but you can't, you can't move. Grab onto my waist belt. Pull yourself up from my groin. No, it's okay. I'll just levitate. I'm cool, thanks. I levitate.

Okay. Is that a thing you can do? Yes, it was a second level, uh, transmutation magic. I just, I just float. Okay. Uh, you float. You start, you, that's the whole, that's the whole thing. Flood on.

The swamp, the swamp, uh, almost opens up around you like a, like a, like a open mouth. and allows you to squish out over the swamp, and you are now straight up, levitating over. And for half a second, leach and adventurer alike, I'll turn mouth agape to stare at the glory of floating taco. How long does that last floating taco? Ten minutes. Okay.

So, yeah, you no longer have to worry about the effects of the swamp around you. You going to do anything else, or is that your turn? I can't really do anything else. That's my action. and I can't I can't really move once I'm floating The only way I can sort of alter

My location at all Is by pushing or pulling Against a fixed object or surface Merle, you're up, you are above ground And Stink, you smell like swamp But you're otherwise you're good to go there, Shrek All right, how close are the two?

They're both very close One is right next to you one is five feet away. The one that is right next to you is super bloody. I'm going to cast Thunderwave, and yes, I do have it. Is that a... So suck it, Griffin. Is that a nature, whatever it is, one of your boons of being a nature guy?

It's a... Yeah. Okay, so you're having basically a dueling banjos, which is appropriate considering the setting, a Thunderwave off with Taco at this point. Yeah, I don't know if I want to do that or not. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult your game I mean, if you want to be basically a copycat of Taco then absolutely go for it

But I thought you were listening when Fleetwood Mac told you to go your own way Alright, I'm gonna try Flameblade again on the one right in front of me Okay Wait a minute, what's the difference between Flameblade and... Gosh, do you have like a sword? Something you could poke him with really hard Just like attack it? He's super bloodied

I'm rolling my own way, bud. Okay. I mean, I did just use my whole action to save your breath. All right. All right. I'll hit Mr. Bloody with my warhammer. Thank you. Happy? Yes.

Also, I don't know that you can actually cast Flameblade. Yeah, I knew you were looking it up, you little. Yeah, well, it's a good thing I did because you can't do it. Dad's a Cluizzer bard. Cluizzerburd. All right. So what are you doing, Dad? All right.

I roll what? What are you doing? I'm just hitting them with my warhammer. Okay. 16. Does he add a modifier to that? Yes, he adds, I think, plus four. It should say next to your warhammer on your character sheet.

It is plus four. That's right. Okay, so 20. That's a hit. 20. And then roll the D8. Plus two. It's six plus two.

That's eight. You bring your hammer down on the bloodied leech. in front of you. And when you pull the hammer back, the leech has a hammer-shaped indent in it and has stopped moving. He is dead as hell. Yeah. Thanks. I got some of my own blood on me.

I thought I didn't feel more excited. That was just kind of sad. Next in the order is Magnus. Okay. Oh, wait, oh, wait, wait, wait. Are you going to move? Am I going to move? Yeah.

You should. Yes. Okay. What are you doing? I move one foot back. Okay. You step backwards one foot, and you are fine. Next in the order is Magnus.

I'm going to chop them with a rail splitter, two-handed. Okay. Chopping the other one? Yeah. There's one left. Okay. 24. Yeah, that'll do it.

Okay, and that's a D-10. Can we call that one Robin Lee? Yeah, I guess you were within five feet because you were restrained, so you can't move. Yeah. And that is six plus six, twelve. Twelve. Okay, he is bloodied and he looks like he looks like he's ready to embrace the D-N. Sweet death.

Dexterity saving throw? Yes, make a dexterity saving through. You're just trying to beat a ten. Um, I got... Nope, that's not going to do it. That's a five. Yeah. You do not save and you sink halfway into the slime.

It is now the leach's turn. He is actually going to move right back over to you, Magnus, and try and recover a little bit of health. He rolls a 15. Against my armor class? Yes. That is not going to hit, and I'm going to use ripost. When creature misses you with melee attack, use reaction,

and dice to make a melee attack against them if hit plus dice to the damage. Oh, so you roll a D20 and one of your superiority dice. Correct. Which is a D6? Correct. What is that on superiority dice? So that is, that's Travis's new thing. He has a pool of resources called superiority dice.

He gets four of them per day, and he can spend them to do these maneuvers. So right now he's spending one of them to repose, which means he makes a counter. attack adds the result of the superiority dice to it. I got a 24? Yeah, fuck yeah. Okay. And then the damage is, we'll just, D8, 4 plus 6 is 10 plus 5, so 15. Yeah, you straight up like Babe Ruth call the shot and send half of this leech flying way deep into the swamp.

And then eat 12 hot dogs and drink 14 beers. What's really impressive is that you did this without leg movement. You are halfway down to the swamp, and you basically, like, some sort of chopping robot, reared back and sent half of this thing flying. Good upper body, dude. Thanks, bro. You have solved my Shrek puzzle. Folks, we have a lot of fun today.

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and that link, maximum fund.org for us slash donate and bully some other people into it. Yep. And then make sure to tell us about it so we can thank you and tell us about all the people you bullied so we can thank you for bullying them. And so we can bully them because, God, we love bullying. Oh, I love it so much.

There's nothing D&D players love the more than bullying people. So, yeah, thank you all for listening to our second Max Fun Drive special. We hope you've enjoyed getting two consecutive weeks of episodes. It's a grueling pace for us, but we do it because we love you and because we're excited about this drive. We're enthusiastic about this network, and we want you to come be a part of it. And remember, as you're listening to this, if you're getting this fresh off,

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It was like air hockey. They just sort of pushed Taco. Just sort of slid him across the top of it. I got a taco balloon. You got a good lay of the land when you crash landed so you knew which direction to head. You made it out of the swamp. It took you a little while. Your tickets for the Rockport Limited say it departs at 10.15.

And by the time that you managed to get to Rockport, it is. it is 945, so you are cutting it relatively close. We got plenty of time. You're also rolling up into Rockport. Magnus, you are covered in a stinky yellow goo that dried up, so it isn't really restricting you anymore, but it is unsightly and unstinkly. Taco, you are just sort of crusty from the waist down with swampy goo that you have been unable to rinse off your body.

Dad, you look like some sort of weird shit monster who is just caked in swam. And your character in this game. Yeah, you said dad. Merle is absolutely clean. Merle, you look like a little just a little shit monster. You have goo caked in your clothes and your beard and your

do you have hair? I have a little fringe of hair, yes. A little fringed with shit. Where you least expect it. What does that mean? A little fringe of hair. Like a tonsure. It's like a tonsure.

It's kind of like how some people get their basketball number carved in their hair. But for you, it's just your hair is your basketball number. And what number is that? That would be 26. 26, okay. Thank you for not saying. And listen, I don't, I mean, not that it's important, but I lost a lot of blood. Don't be worried about me.

I'm fine. Yeah, you guys have not had time to have a short rest. you have had to book it in order to get to this train on time. So you roll into Rockport. It is a city of iron and industry that is built into what is that? That's a city on the move. Okay, so thank you. It is sort of built.

Rockport, a city on the grow. Welcome to lovely downtown Rockport, city of Israel. and of dreams Home to manufacturers Bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo creators You know it's me Bing Crosby I love every visit Scholastic Films Presents The people here are so alert and kind

And they always make it feel like a second home to Rockport Hey you look like a little pile of shit dwarf While visiting Rockport Don't fail to visit the Museum of Industry Boop, boop, bo, bo, bo. The three of you are making, the town. You don't need this train.

We can entertain ourselves here. And we don't need the rest of you don't need me. You've grown up the spotlight. I am completely irrelevant. The town of Rockport is built into the base of one of the mountains that make up the teeth. It's, it is, it's huge. This entire range of mountains, imagine like a bunch of Kilimanjaro. just sort of layered, stacked up on top of each other.

And that's kind of, yeah, I mean, it's pretty majestic. It is a majestic mountain range. And the town is built into the base of it and sort of in the back of the town. Really going into the mountains, there's sort of a main avenue leading straight towards it, is the train station. So you guys know basically where you're going. You walk by the Museum of Industry. You walk by some factories, some buildings that are just all smokestacks.

Any truck stops where we can grab a quick shower and some jerky or anything like that? You can try and find a sheets if you want, but you may not have time. Yeah. Character sheets. It's up to you. If you guys want to try and find a place to clean your bodies before you... I just think it would be smart if we're going to try to run a scam that maybe we look halfway. Well, you got a half hour. You could, yeah, you can try and look around. Where's the nearest brothel?

Okay, I don't see how that's going to help. No, because you can get baths at a brothel or an inn or something like that. And I think the place where they're going to ask the least amount of questions is the brothel. Is there somebody around us we can ask? With a lot of eye makeup and like a beauty mark. There are a lot of people on the street. It is a busy town. Is there somebody around us who just looks like

helpful or maybe is wearing armor? Maybe Tom Baudet. Is Tom Baudet anywhere in this town? Has anyone left the light on for us? There's a Ron Baudet who is dressed in a suit of armor in a standing in a police watch box. Oh, what? That's not a thing that exists.

Yeah. He's going to pour us towards brothels. I like your creativity. Magnus, talk to him. You got the charisma, baby. Yes, there's a constable looking fellow. What did you say? What was the person's name you were asking about? Tomodette. Tomodette.

He's the guy. Motel 6, you'll leave the light on. Okay, yeah, Tom Bodette is there for some reason. God, I'm getting into... I'm sure to do a good Tomodet impression. Okay, hi, I'm Tom Bodette. What did you guys need? That's really pretty close. You guys do you're here. I'm actually part of the tourism industry, part of the welcome committee, so tell me what you need to know.

Oh, we were looking for a brothel officer. Uh, what now? Uh, ignore the shit monster. We're looking for a place where we can bathe in like a real quick hurry. Uh, that's kind of a weird request, but it does seem like you need it. You guys stink. I heard Rockport was a city that welcomes all kinds. Yeah, we do, I guess.

Including shit monster. Kind of begrudgingly. We have a bathatorium. Okay, great. Where's that? Uh, it's about, it's on the Oscars of town. It's about 25 miles out. Well, that's shitty.

Bonette. That's probably not going to come. You guys can come back to my house if you want. I got like a hose. Yeah, that's a good. Sitting right in front of it. Okay. How far away is your house? It's right here. You're right in front of it. Oh. I was wondering about the hose.

We got no next to your boots. That explains it. And he takes you back into his backyard and turns his faucet on the side of the house on. The hose has sprung a leak. He's like, oh no, the hose doesn't work. That's a shame. So here, just come close to the faucet and he just starts splashing you. I cast it. I want to make a duct tape roll. Okay, you put your finger over the holes in the hose and start just sort of blasting each other. All right, I cast the can trip of mending on the hose and fix it.

Okay, that's the thing you can do now. Just to thank him. Okay. Oh, thanks, man. Listen, I want to do something for you, Tom Bodette from Motel's X ads. You're going to check this out. Oh, wow, my hose. Thanks, dude.

My dad gave me this hose before he. And he just turned the lights on. In P, in P. In what? No problem. Oh, sorry, I don't, internet doesn't exist yet. Wizard speech. Sure.

Sorry, I've heard of this. Okay, do you guys... Should I hose you guys down? You want to take turns doing each other? I understand we just met, so you may not trust me to... Let's all hose each other. Okay. I got a sprinkler, too.

We could have some fun back here. You guys aren't going anywhere. Okay, we spray each other real quick. Time's wasting. Do you have, like, one of those wild... Oh, those wiggles? Legals. Oh, those wiggles.

Oh, you got it. Okay, yeah, you guys have a brief, a 10-minute sprinkler party with Tom Bodette in his backyard. Does he have a slip-and-slide? He doesn't have a slip-and-slide. He did just make a, he's got the fixings for mimoses. You guys want some mimoses? No. Sorry, Tom-Bodet, we've got to get out of here.

But we'll see you when we come through Rockport again. Does anybody want to kiss? Yes. I hug him. We got to go. That's good enough. It was really great to meet you guys. I always love you, Tom Bodette.

I don't know that that, okay. You're welcome that we will. you into existence, Tom. Yeah, thank you. I'm going to die as soon as you guys leave. Do you think maybe we can... No, come on. Maybe Tom Bodette's a big fan of the podcast.

And as we walk away, he whispers, I'll see you again, Bureau of Balance. He pulls a red robe. He pulls a red robe over his head and vanishes. Okay, so you are destunk. You managed to make it to the ticket counter of the Rockport train. station with minutes to spare. And the ticket taker who looks mysteriously a lot like Tom Bodette is like... Don Bodette.

It's like that scene in Wizard of Oz that's just the same guy. Come on in! It is actually Tom Bodette. And he says, oh, weird, you guys are taking a trade and you should have said something. By the way, I didn't catch your guys names. What do you guys go by? What are your handles? I'm Lehman Kessler.

Okay. I believe there's already a ticket for me. There is. Yeah, and we are holding some of your cargo as well. Let me get that. He reaches down underneath the desk and pulls out a shimmering, almost platinum-esque ticket that he slides through the – there's a window that he is behind with a small gap in it. He slides it through the gap and hands it to you.

He says, Mr. Kessler, you're really going to – you're going to enjoy the journey. Are these two coming with you? These are my retainers. Okay. This is Bo, and that's Diddle. and uh which one's which uh the the short one that has kind of a vague look in his eyes that's bow okay but you've just described neither they're about the same height and both of them look relatively vague okay the one who's pretending to be a wizard is beau and the i'm leon kessler and the are you guys

related uh he spells his with two uh with an oh he said leon and that's my twin brother are you who works for me. I thought you said, I thought you said, Lehman. Hey, we gotta go. If you'll excuse us.

I'm really, I'm really glad that the three of you are the people that you say you are, because if you are doing some sort of ruse right now, it would be very, very important. Goodness, no. So Lehman, Leon, and Didley? My name is Flan Bodette. Okay.

I'm going to just go. Magna is Tago a thumbs up. We're going to stop for a second. We're going to stop for a second. We're just going to stop for a second. And we're just going to go down. the line. I'm going to point at you and you're going to tell me what your name is. Obviously, Lehman, Kessler, he points at you. That's me. I'm Leman Kestler. Yeah, got that one.

Points at Magnus, you are... You are... Mm-hmm. Yes. Go on. Leroy. Tell him. Leroy Kessler. No, I'm, I'm Didley, Kassler. You're deadly. That's what I thought. And you, uh, wizardly looking fellow? Justin. That's deep cover. Perfect. Perfect. Okay. Justin Lehman. And Didley, uh, yeah, Didley and Justin, you guys have your own tickets. I'm, I'm hoping, please. Oh, that, no, look at mine very careful.

Yes, yes, we do. Look at the shiny thing in my hand. Yeah, I gave that to you. It's not just psychic paper. I cast charm person on Tom bodette. Okay. That's just sort of, it's sort of like the only arrow in your quiver when it comes in handling bodets.

That phrase has never lived. No, it's unfortunate. You know, it's funny. is that we were able to charm the last modet would just charm. This modet is too wily for me. I'm going to have to use magical charm. Okay.

How does that work? Can I make a, I guess it's a perception check to find out if I know if Rockport is just populated by all Tom Bowdoets? It's like House of Wax. I rolled a 16. Yeah, it's all bodets.

It's all the way down. But those bodets know around a city because this place is immaculate. Okay, so you were casting, what do I do? I'm going to take a humanoid. Tom's going to make a wisdom saving, though. I assume that you have already set a wisdom level for Tom Burdette. No-Tal six is a bitch man.

It's got to be a six. It actually is a six, so good luck. I'm just trying to run. Wait, wait, don't tell me. He's pretty intelligent. I'm trying to roll a 14, right? Is that what I'm trying to beat? Yeah.

Okay. Ah, shit, I rolled a six. That's 12. not going to do it, he's charmed. Hey. What is up? What can I do for you guys? You guys want to kiss? Tickets.

My retainers need tickets. I already gave you mine, and they seem to have their own already. Okay. We just need the cargo, and then we're going to get on the plane. Can I just say something? And this might sound weird. But I think the three of you are exactly who you're telling me you are. And I don't know.

Again, it seems like a weird thing to say, but I am just so. charmed by you. Nothing weird there. It's all normal. By the way, we got a sleeper car, right? You do, yeah, and a seat in the passenger train as well. Compos some snacks. Okay, he slides

some Melba Toast, just unpackaged through the glass. I was going to have these as a lunchtime treat, but it seems like you detect magic to see if it's magic Melba. Isn't all Melba toast pretty fucking magical to be able? Can I roll to see if I get horrifically depressed by the idea

that Tom Adek considers Melba toast to be a fun snout. Well, no, because it's transformative. You can do anything with it. What do you got? You can, you can, I'm afraid to say food stuff now because dad has me fucking paranoid that every time I say a food thing, he'll be like, oh, well, that goes on.

Good. You should be dungeon master. It's just I didn't expect one of you to be so vigilant for Tex-Mex. Well, just get used to it. Um, that's actually that in real life. You cannot drive past a text makes place. He's a, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, slow down. Slow down.

Uh, he says, uh, he pops open the back door of his ticket booth and says, uh, you guys are actually the last ones to, uh, board. So if you want, I can walk into the platform. And then go home and slowly die. Go home to my bodette wife. My bodette kids. Bernadette Bodette. This is the weirdest episode.

Yep. Uh, uh, He starts to walk you through the train station. We need the cargo. He asks Lehman, what are you, what takes you to never went through today? A combination of business and pleasure. Oh, biz pleasure, huh? I've heard of that.

Pleasureness, huh? Yeah. I got to keep it pretty close to the best. You understand, don't you, Tom? Now, Lehman, we've already received your cargo and we have it locked away in the cargo car. So that's not going to be an issue. That's going to get there safe and sound. It was rated as a high priority item, and so it's kind of protocol for me to walk our VIP passengers through the security process.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you'll just come with me. He takes you into the station. It is a, I mean, it's a cavern, right? It's carved into the foot of the teeth, one of the mountains in the teeth. But it's not as drab as you would expect a cave to be. It's actually very well lit with some fountains and a new stand kiosk. A new stand kiosk inside.

And in the middle of this, the entryway into this station is one of the cargo cars of this train that is non-operational. It's not on a track. It's just sort of up on a pedestal. And Bodette walks you over to the car and pops open the. caboose door and is like, come on in. I'll show you around. Okay. This is the cargo car that is on all of our trains. It'll be on the Rockport Limited when you take it to Never Winter. As you can see, there's no windows in the car. It keeps it very secure from Marauders. Most of the line runs through the mountains,

so we're not especially worried about train jumpers, if you will. Have you had any incidents recently? Never. We have never lost a piece of cargo. We have never lost anything that we have locked away. And that is because, he says, of this thing. And he points to the middle of the car is a five-by-five-foot onyx cube. An omic cube.

That sounds so cool. Anx cube that is built into the floor of this train. He says, this is a crypt-safe. A cryptkeeper, if you will. If you want to be that way, if you want to be that guy, sure. If you want to be like that. This is indestructible. Nobody's going to be smashing into a crypt safe anyway, anytime soon.

May I test that? If you want, but don't use a weapon that you like to do it. Never mind. Okay. What makes it special is it's time locked, meaning only a rock port. limited, can open it with one hour of sustained physical contact. Engineer. So it's not like, even if a robber somehow did manage to get on board or if somebody

managed to pass our screening process and get on board a train, they are not going to be able to pop this thing open. They would need somebody who works here to do so and they would need to stand there for an hour, which just simply would not happen. It is the safest way to get your shit from point A to point. point B. Does that really slow down the luggage unloading process? By about an hour, yes. So in that sense, but the train makes a 200 mile journey in four hours, and you would be hard pressed to find a performing transportation that is going to be that expedient in the world. So, well, Tom, I'm sure,

I mean, since I've done this many times before, you have some kind of backdoor method for me to check just to make sure that my merchandise is safe. Well, it's already loaded. It's loaded onto the actual train, and once we put it in the CripSafe, it actually becomes the property of the Rockport Limited until the train has made its

reach his final destination. So that unfortunately will not be possible, but believe me, it is in not only good hands, the best hands. Okay. Sounds great. It doesn't really. It doesn't sound good at all to set up.

something. This is bad. No, I heard all of that. Tom, you're still charmed. You're charmed. Put your fingers in your ears. Can I say something? I loved it. I love your caution. And I love just how suspicious you're all being.

Now, listen, Tom, when we're all done and we're completely done with you, we will kiss. Sorry? No, we want you to step in front of the next train is coming by, okay? No. Is that okay? Oh, my God. If you don't mind doing that for it. No, we can't kill Tom Bowdez.

You'll be, you'll love it. It is a once. What is it happened? What happens when I do it? Oh, it's a once in a lifetime experience. No. Marl, you're a cleric. Dad, why is our dead being a kill switch, beloved picture of Tom Boett?

We can't kill Tombo Ted. I have a feeling. Okay. you hear from outside the train all aboard and Tom Bodette goes well time to time to go I guess

I'll show you guys wait wait let me clarify let me clarify yeah not a moving train just step in front of a train wave goodbye and then step off the tracks okay that seems weird

weirer even then but let's let's get you guys situated this is going to come back and bite us in the ass. I know it. Not killing Tom Bodette. You'll see.

Tombo, dead, hold on, wait, rearrange the letters. Voldemort. What? So real quick, before you go, we just sort of remind you, before Max Fund Drive ends, which is just in a couple of days, this is your opportunity to go to maximum fund.org for slash donate.

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Go to maximumfund.org forward slash donate, choose the shows you listen to, support the network, become a member of maximum fund.org, feel superior. Tell your friends how much better than them you are now

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I'll never get to go to Max FunCon. And we really want our daddy to get some money. So please help our dad get some money. Please give our daddy some money. You could keep our daddy from killing Tom Bodette, please. Give our daddy some money. For just pennies a day. You can keep our dad for murdering Tombo Dead.

We will spare. You either donate or Tombo Dead dies. Make sure to pass this our long as a vested interest. We should make it clear, Federal Bureau of Investigation, that we're talking about the fantasy Tombo Debt that we just invented in the game. In no way is this a confession letter. Well, okay. Wait a minute.

Why didn't we keep a beloved character holly? That's the adventure zone Max Fund Drive 2016. There you go. Okay. Taco. Oh no. No. Not Taco.

Taco is dangling over a pit of sharks. No, let me tell you who it needs to be. The much beloved Davenport. Davenport. Now, yeah. Everybody loves to listen. Before we get off the subject. We want to say thank you.

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I'm just a macroy. We'll leave the light on for you. Maybe. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. Hey, everybody.

I'm Emily. And I'm Lisa. We co-host baby geniuses every other Monday on maximum fun. We interview comedians, musicians, cartoonists, circus clowns, and experts in the field of... Vacations, the afterlife, cool, recipes, self-improvement, fashion, candy, boys, boys, girls, turtles, women, dating, fitness, parents, air removal, conflict, resolution, Santa, meditation, babies, modern dinosaurs, bullies, middle-aged circles, the Beatles, middle-aged men, experts, teens, life hacking, bribing, baby talks, personal organization, the name dexter,

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