The Adventure Zone - Ep. 12. Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Three

Episode Date: April 16, 2015

Our heroes board their fateful train to Neverwinter, and are rude to just about every single person aboard. Merle strikes out at evangelism. Magnus learns that he may not, in fact, have the biggest muscles. Taako just wrecks some baby carrots. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. Secure passage on this train. One of you will need to be Lehman Kessler. You will need to retrieve the relic and get it back to us any way that you can. Is Tom Baudet? Is Tom Bodette? Has anyone left a light on for us? You managed to make it to the ticket counter.

I'm Lehman Kessler. I'm deadly Kessler. You're deadly. That's what I thought. And you, uh, you, uh, wizardly looking fellow? Justin, I cast Charm Person on Tom Bodette. Okay. We want you to step in front of the next train if it's coming by, okay?

No! Is that okay? Oh, my God. If you don't mind, if you don't mind doing that for it. To step, you hear from outside the train all aboard. And Tom Bodette goes, well, time to go, I guess. Come on, ride the train. It's the Choochoo and ride it.

It's the adventure zone. So the three of you have just checked in with Tombo Dett. One of the Tombo Dets, one of the many, many animatronic Tombo Dets that occupy Rockport. And have boarded the train. You walk in through a door to the main passenger car compartment. Griffey, is this train luxurious or is it like utilitarian? It is fully luxuried. out. It is the Lexus

of Fantasy Trains. I'm talking I'm talking gilded. It's gilded with gold. It's... Gilded with gold, you say. It's... It's... It's...

It's gilded with... Silver and platinum. No. Just gold. Gold's the only thing you can gild with. Can't gild with anything else. Watch me. What? It's bedazzled

with Electrum. It's a... Yeah, it's a really nice train. It smells great. Posh interior, soft seats, shag carpeting, which is weird, but it's like nice shag carpeting. So you walk in through the main passenger entrance

into the passenger car, and they're waiting for you is a very tall, very finely dressed elven man who is wearing a Rockport limited uniform. He has a mustache, which is rare for elves. Not typically known for their bodacious facial hair, but there you are. And this man looks down at you as you are boarding the train and says, Tickets and weapons, please.

Ah. No problem. Is it okay if I keep my umbrella in case of a storm? Well, yeah, it's not, yeah, I wouldn't typically consider that to be a weapon. Can I see your tickets, please, though? Yes. Yes, here's mine. Snatches them on all.

Do we have tickets? Oh, we did get tickets. Yeah, yeah. That was close. I almost had to kill him. He snashes them up. Oh, Lehman Kessler. Oh, yes.

I understand we are carrying a very precious piece of cargo for you. Yes, take good care of his package. Ha, ha. That's terrific. This is kind of a fancy train. So if we can maybe watch that stuff. My name is, wait for it. Tom Vodette.

My name is Lazy GM. Do you know that there's only one real Tombo Dett and the rest are Tom Fodette's? That's true. My name is Hudson. I'm the engineer of this train. Welcome aboard. We're happy to have you. We know that you have lots of choices.

to pick from for subterranean intercity travel here and we sure do appreciate the fact that you picked us Well we tried to get on the Rockport unlimited But it was full That train is a little too extreme For most people

It doesn't even go on rails It just sort of They just sort of off-rowed Well it doesn't get to its destination Usually it usually it usually crashes It's pretty terrible But thank you for joining us. Who are your compatriots here?

My compatriots? Oh my God. Hi, Lehmann has a Scottish accent. No, he doesn't. Yes, he does. Wait, let me check my notes here. No, it's right here in my character sheet. That's interesting, because Helim and I spoke to... I keep turning down his volume, and I swear to God, it keeps getting louder. I think that is hacked into your mainframe. He's become self-aware.

You all are in luck. This is actually not a very full. train. You'll have your pick of seating in the passenger car. You have your own room. I didn't introduce myself. Oh, sorry, yes. Go right ahead. I have a name as well. Terrific. And feelings. Good day to you. Thank you for having me on your choochoochoo.

Are you disembarking? We haven't even left the station yet. I need to find a seat that has a comfort, acquittable to my situation. I appreciate your fancy speech. That is how we... Your attuities to you. For the compliment.

Now, I will be in here, and he points to the engine car to his right at the head of the train. The engine car, the entrance to the car is a very high security heavy metal door with a like window slot in it for him to look out. But it is, it's a very secure door. And he says, I will, I will be in here for the duration of the trip. I won't be coming out as just a security measure.

If somebody were to take the helm of this train, they could, I mean, they could drive it. Is this possibly foreshadowed? or rampant paranoia. I'm telling you guys. Trust me. Oh, it could happen. The mountain train security agency protocols demand that I stay in the engine for the duration of the trip. With no visitors, I'm sure some of you would like to learn how a choo-choo works.

I'd like to sit on your lap. Maybe you are not alone in that desire. But unfortunately, it's an engineering. only in the engine. And after the trip, I will escort you to the crypt safe in the caboose, and I will help you retrieve your package. But from that point on, it's in your hand. Sorry, just to clarify, where was the package again? The package is in the caboose.

I don't... The package is in the caboose. Thank you very much. We'll be retiring to our room. Okay, well, this was a great talk. And I feel like if other people were listening to this conversation, say thousands and thousands of people, they would put their listening apparatus down and they would go, wow, that was a good recorded conversation I just listened to. And then puncture their own ear drums. And if, say, those listeners had somehow paid money to support our conversation, they would say, yes.

I have chosen to spend my money wisely, and I feel great about my life and my decisions. But see you later. Smell you later, he says, yeah, before you go, I just need to grab your weapons from you. These will also be locked up in the vault and will be returning them to you as soon as we reach our final destination. But my whole body is a weapon. You see, I've trained myself. Thank you, Barney Five. Are you one of those magic flesh swords?

I am. I've heard about those where a young witch kisses a sword and it turns into a human man. It was something like that. I read about that in my penthouse magazine. I never believed it would happen to me. No, I just give me those weapons and I'll lock them right up. Put them right in the car. You'll never know that they were missing unless you need them.

But you won't. Super safe train. I do hold on to my glove, though. Which one? Yeah, that's fine. What could you possibly do with a gauntlet? Well, it keeps in, I have smelly hand syndrome. Oh, my God, me too.

I didn't think I'd ever meet another. He pulls off the leather glove that he has over his left hand. And it stinks. There's a stink to it that it almost seems supernatural, almost as if he's been cursed on his hand. I mean, that's pretty bad, I guess. Can I, let me try,

can I have a whiff of your brand? Unfortunately, no. There was a law passed that I was not allowed to remove my wallet. I made myself very vulnerable just then. That's my hand. Okay. Give him your hand.

I, um, I can't do that. I'm not at that point in my therapy. Well, God, fine, he says, and takes up your weapons. Are you handing your weapons to him or not? Yes. Okay.

Yeah, I'll give him smasher and little choppy. And I cast, just as he's leaving, I cast Prestigitation on Travis's hands to give them a terrible odor. Okay. Oh, my God, he says. What, how did that? Can you control your hand stink? It's almost as if you've just emitted a cloud. Oh, terrific.

Is that like a, ooh, is that like a crime fighting tool? No. Like stinky hand knockout gas and you shoot it out of your finger. It's more just like a relationship ender. Oh, well, not for me, man. Oh, wait. Wait, did you find women who are into this? Is there a chat room I can join?

No, I'm just saying I'm feeling you. As a buddy, as a friend. Anyway, your weapons will be waiting for you when you, uh, when we reach never winter. Until then, maybe keep the valve closed because not everyone's going to not everyone likes getting high on your own supply. Got it. And he walks into the engine compartment and the door slams closed and you hear a heavy clunk. And yeah, that's it for the engineer character.

What did you guys think of him? Scale of 1 to 10. I liked, I thought he had good motivation. I thought his character development was good. So walking through the passenger car, you only see three other passengers on this ride. And they're not sitting together. They don't seem to know each other. They're not conversing.

They're all just sort of doing their own little things. One of them is a stout, dwarven woman with the largest muscles you've ever seen on a living person. Wait, hold on. Magnus is in the room. Well, yeah. Deal with it. Oh, no. She looks, she's kind of fidgeting looking out the window. She just kind of looks a little bit uncomfortable.

Um, sitting about two rows behind her and on the other side of the car is a young boy who is wearing a fancy boy suit. Uh-huh. And a blue fancy boy cap, uh, dressed up very fancily. Can I roll, um, inside to see how fancy? Yeah, sure, if you want. Uh, that's a 17. Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Yes. Uh, oh my God. Yeah. make sure to really add this up. Oh, it's a minus one. Oh, a minus one, then you die. In trying to discern his fanciness, your nose just starts bleeding and you fall over.

You're fancied to death. Yeah, no, he's fresh to death. He looks very fancy. Like a schoolboy, but fancy. And he's reading a book like a schoolboy would do, and he's a fancy young man. And then sitting a couple of rows behind him is a round young human man

with a big, great, big, bushy beard. And he's wearing some sort of trashy wizard's robes. They're not as, they're not as... Like, you mean bad or you mean like trashy, sexy? Some mesh. It's both, actually. You can see the electric tape over his nipples. No, it's...

I mean, it covers all of his essential oils, but it does say juicy on the back of the room where his butt would be. Are we on a train to Jersey? Yes, Neverwinter is in New Jersey. Not a lot of people know that. This is like an Alt-America, sort of like dark tower, I should have pointed out, so...

No, that's not true. Please don't buy into that at all. Yeah, and that is the passenger car as you continue walking back to... you know, set down your personal effects in your sleeper car. As you pass through the, the chamber connecting the two cars, you open up the door to the sleeper car and another elf is there, another fairly tall elven man is there, wearing the garb, wearing the uniform for the Rockport Limited. He is also wearing a sort of technicolor bow tie.

that's like prismatic and and shifting in hues. And he looks down at you and he comes up with a voice for himself very quickly. Hello. Oh, new passengers. I haven't met you. Welcome. What is this? I instantly regret this voice. Hello. There it is.

I found like Vincent Prize. I found it. Hello. Welcome to the train. I'm Mike Myers as Lord Michaels having a stroke. I'm doing my best. Welcome to the train. Are you making fun of my voice?

He's getting air-fell before our eyes. Who don't a bucket of water on this guy? How could I be sad? I've got new passages to welcome to the... God damn it, can I talk? Welcome to the train. my name is Jenkins. Can I help you find your seats or where to put your luggage, man?

I don't know. I like your tie, Jenkins. Tell me about it. This is my flair. We all get to wear one piece of flair on Tuesdays. What does it do? What's it do? What's the thing?

Tell me all about it, Stud. It looks amazing. Well, yes. It doesn't possess any curative properties or what, who are you? Does that fit him? Stop, stop. I want to unfold this bow tie thing. Wait, stop.

Let's start over. Hello, I'm Jenkins. I'm the wizard attendant on the Rockport Limited. I will help you with your bags. I reach out slowly to touch his bowtie. Okay. You can touch it, I guess. A light surface.

You can keep going. A light surface level touch would be preferred. I really get in there. Are you an attendant who's a wizard? Are you an attendant for a wizard? I am a wizard who attends to your needs on the train. You let me know if you have any questions. I can take your bags.

have a few other luxury services I can provide. My voice is like shot from this weekend and it's really, I like, we have to record No one made you do this voice, Griffin. This needs to, I'm just saying we need to do a series wrap on Jenkins in this episode because I don't think I'm going to be able to do him next week. I killed Jenkins. Thank you. I have a few other luxury services I can provide to you.

I can take you into one of our pleasure rooms. I'm cool. I'm not hate you. It's not old, gentlemen. It's not nearly as salacious as I made it sound. It's just when I say things with my voice, it always sounds like I'm talking about slow sex.

Hey, Jenkins, I just noticed, I think your bow tie is too tight. I loosen it slightly. Does that help? Oh, my God. Thank you, guys. A witch A witch kissed me and it cursed my...

Oh. No, that's a joke. Can we level up for that? That was great. I feel very comfortable with this voice now. Yes. Now it's like an old pair of shoes. He helps you all load your luggage into your sleeper car.

there's a triple bunk bed It's basically like a big old Neapolitan ice cream sandwich of dudes And you feel like the smell in there Is gonna get pretty right pretty fast It's not a very big car But he helps you load up And starts to show you around the train

So he says This is the sleeper car Well hold on Sorry, I hit my R very hard there. So this, of course, is the sleeper car. You can rest in here. The trip will take about three hours once the train departs, which it should any minute. So you won't need a full night's sleep, but if you're feeling nappy,

this is a place where historically people sleep. Jenkins can I ask you a question I'm not finished okay what you're going to want to do is place the pillow underneath your head we know how to go to sleep

just checking I'm here to serve to attend to your every neat so you're all set on blankets yeah we actually need extra pillows I sleep with a pillow between my knees and between my elbows

and behind my head and under my feet if I could get we're going to do this now huh I'm going to hear this out now. I prescribe to the Griffin Macroy's sleeping method. I need to build myself a fucking exosuit of pillows. And I'm not like, I'm not like proud of it.

Like I'm, yeah, I am embarrassed about it. And it makes trips with my family a living hell. Yeah. A pillowy hell. You go into a room you're sharing with Griffin, then you look for a pillow. There's just none there. He's absorbed them all. Yeah.

I need them for strength and energy. Jenkins says Now, of course, the car that you passed through coming in was the passenger car and that is a car that is great for sitting. Now, Jenkins, I saw a... Thank you, Captain, obvious. I saw a Dwarven woman in there

and I swear I recognized her, but I can't remember her name and I don't want that awkward moment. You know what I mean? Do you have any information on her? I'm not supposed to share privileged information regarding the identity of... Give him some bribe. Give him a bribe.

We run a very discreet travel service. Jenkins. Jenkins. Come on. Jacob. Remember the thing with the tie? Remember? When you touched my tie, despite my request that you did not.

And it helped you out and felt good. That is a instrument of yours. Jinky. Okay. Okay, but you didn't hear this for me. Okay. Have you ever heard of, uh, have you ever heard of, uh, Jess the beheader.

Oh. Uh-huh. At WWE, right? She is a famous midworld wrestling Federation star. Of course, I don't know why they call it wrestling because it is a blood sport. There's not much grappling as much there is,

you know, deadly Malay. You wrestle with your conscience after you kill somebody. Yes, and she has a very particular way of dispatching her foes. Is it possibly? What's that? She unheds them. She got their butt off.

Yes. Well, did I get it, Jenkins? Yes, you got it. Just between us wizards. A hundred trivia points to you, my good sir. You get a free round of a shots in the bar car. I don't know what brings her on the train. I do know that I did have to carry her axe into the back car.

And boy, howdy, did that thing weigh a metric. trick ton. But I don't mean to complain. I'm happy to do the work. It's not where I thought I'd end up in life, but you know, life's a continuing, evolving adventure. I love life on the rails.

You meet a lot of interesting people. Did you carry the X back there? Yes. Kind of a shitty wizard. I'm sorry, sir. Nothing. No, tell, no. There's a second level stuff.

No, come on. Let's have a wizard chat, and I'd like to hear... You should get out there and level up. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Burn one of my daily slots on making an axe levitate? Oh, sorry, I didn't realize life on the trails was so demanding. You had to have pyrotechnics at your fingertips 24-7.

Or you can just do what I do, which is have unlimited spell slots and use every spell in the book. Oh, I've heard of you. From every discipline. You are of the god kind. He says, now behind the sleepy car, sleepy car, sometimes I call it the sleepy car.

Behind the sleepy car is our dining car. You can go there for... Peace. Okay. Magnus leaves. We can walk with you. We can do like a walk. Nope, you're just going by...

Yep, peace gone. Well, to you two. Now, Grevin, I need you to describe both scenes simultaneously. I won't do that. I'm very, very tired. I pop back into the sleeping car. You guys, the craziest thing just happened in there.

Travis is taking control. Magnus just turned into Kramer. It was ridiculous. They just handed me 2,000 gold when I walked in. Behind the sleeper car is the dining car. You can go there for one free, complimentary meal of your choice. I'm also the chef on this trade. So I'll make sure...

Now that I can put a name to a face, I'll make sure to bake a lot of love into whatever you order. You saving his spells for that? What are you eating? And then he eats a carrot in his face. That's tacos mic drop. I mean hard tack. Life's hard on the road.

The only time that you're allowed to eat food, while we're recording this podcast, is if it's fully work for actual in-game eating. So I'm just assuming the taco's like having a party right now on some baby carrots. He's eating some hardtack. What is hardtack? You know, like Johnny cakes? You know.

Oh, that's not hardtack. It is. Seabiscuits. Really hard bread that they had during the Civil War. Surprise you didn't read up on this before we recorded. And then they used it to put stuff up on the wall. You're going to have a justice going to go on another hardtack run. You got to edit this one out too, girls.

Griffin. And then behind that is, of course, the cargo car. You should have been walked through our security protocols at the station. Wait, what am I doing? What's this fucking voice? You've gone into Mr. Belvedere. And then, of course, behind. What was it?

It's a moving target. And then, of course, behind. A little droopy dog. Behind the... I'm dead. One... Lincoln. That's how you.

you sound. And of course back there's the core of the core. I'm sort of the mill blank of the train. I keep everybody in stidious all these

different characters, which one's the real beat? You'll never know. The three of you are being very cruel. I'm sad now. You're making me very, very unhappy.

I live to serve the people on this train. I've never been He did like this in my life. Smoking. This is not out of character laughing. This whole time, everything you've done in the past two minutes has been to this man's face. You're just standing.

Do you want, do you even want the rest of the tour? Yeah. I, Jenkins. This has all been in character. You telling me that this person Jenkins was having. This incredible mental breakdown. I couldn't remember what his own voice out of it? It was a very metaphysical moment for...

Who am I? Psychic incident. This is a cave. I need to know that Jenkins was having this breakdown right in front of us. What is? No, that's not it. It's up here. Who am I?

What am Jenkins? I hold Jenkins. No. It's no. I'm quite I'm a big brave boy You're my big brave boy I can stand up to the slings and arrows

That you fling at me I just I would just like to finish the tour And get back to work please Jenkins we're just trying to make you strong brother Behind the dining car's the cargo car I'm done have a good day Let me know if you need anything But but don't expect a quick response

Of course Of course it will be a quick response response. I'm sorry. I can't let my... How do we summon you? How do we summon you, Jenkins? Well, the train has four goddamn cars, so just open all the doors and yell at all. So is it like a magic word or like a whistle? Is there a bell somewhere? A witch kissed me and cursed me so that anytime anybody yells a secret word, I have to attend to their every need. And that word is my fucking name, Jenkins. Got it. Jenkins, would you open the window, please? Careful, don't burn a spell. on it.

I, yes, here, he opens the window. Is that good? Perfect. Perfect. Griffin, just, out of character. This is a great time to come up with a Jenkins catchphrase. I feel like he's going to be a fan favorite. Maybe like as he leaves, have him say something like that. Sure.

How about this? What do you think about this one? Dynamite. Yeah. I like that one. So that's the one I'm going to use, definitely. The train lurches and starts to move forward. Jenkins looks out the window he just opened and says there's a man standing in front of the train,

which is peculiar. If you'll excuse me, I will need to go and handle that situation. Call him Tom. Call him Tom. Sorry? How do you know it's Tom Bodette out there? Yes. It's always Tomboedette.

Do you think this is spell slot worthy? Okay, I'm out. Gink, what was it? Dino mite. Sayonara. No, that's what sucks. You'll get it. You'll find it.

He says, he turns to you and closes the door, but then he cracks it back open and pokes his face in, and he says, smell you later. And a t-shirt is born. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin Macroy, your dungeon master. Thank you all very much for listening to episode 12 of the Adventurlety. Adventure Zone. Sorry that it is late. We got a little bit sidetracked when we were doing our live show. We only had a very small window in which he could record new episodes of the Adventure Zone, and we missed it. We goofed it. We done fucked up. So sorry about that. We're going to have another episode next week to make up for the week that we missed. And then we're going to get back to our usual laxadaisical every other week schedule.

Thank you all so much for listening to The Adventure Zone and sharing it on Twitter with the hashtag the Zonecast. As always, if you share our show on Twitter with the hashtag The Zonecast, we might name a character after you, like we have done so many fucking times in this episode. We got Hudson, the engineer, that's Timothy Hudson or V Lobster on Twitter, Jenkins, Ben C. Jenkins on Twitter, Graham, who you're going to meet here in a second, that's Graham Enos on Twitter, and Angus McDonald, that's Angry Angus on Twitter, and Jess the beheader, who is Jess Osterhout, Sherlock Holmes, on. Twitter. That's a lot of characters. Not sure if we mentioned Lehman Kessler is Lehman Boy on Twitter.

I think I pointed that one out last week. But yeah. Here's another first for the Adventure Zone. I've got a JumboTrom message, hot off the presses. If you've never heard my brother, my brother, me, or any of the other podcasts on the Maximum Fund Network before, you can purchase a personal message for a loved one, a friend, a spouse, a family member, any special someone in your life. If you go to Maximumfund.orgs, 4.combo. You'll find the way to do it there. They book up pretty far in advance, so don't expect any birthday time miracles. But yeah, go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron, and we will hook you up.

Here's an example of what that sounds like. This message is for Ryan, and it's from Ryan's husband, Mike, and his friends John and Julia. That hive mind amalgam of people says in a horrifying, three-throated voice, congratulations on getting another level in insurance man. The adjuster specialization gives you plus five to authority, plus two to stress, and minus two to shitty coworkers. In addition, five times per day, you may command an underling to do time loss or other menial tasks. You're a fantastic husband, a great friend, a badass cleric, and an awesome DM.

That's a lot of hats coming from a monster with a lot of voices. Congratulations, Ryan, on your promotion, which is, I think, the subject of this gentleman. I'm very proud of you too. Here's another jumbo-tron message for you. This one is for The Hammer Trinity, which is a trio of fantasy plays that are happening in Chicago right now. The Hammer Trinity runs its epic every Saturday and Sunday through May 3rd in Chicago. Go to The House Theater.com to learn more and purchase tickets.

If you like Gerblins, if you like moon bases, and flaming gauntlets, then you're listening to the right show for you. But if you want to see sort of a live, fantastical take on those ideas, you'll love. love the Hammer Trinity. It's three fantasy plays, all produced together in marathon performances by the House Theater of Chicago. The Trinity tells the story of a young orphan recovering a magic hammer, defending it against pirates and the crownless faction, and ultimately saving the land. So, spoilers there, I guess. It's a nine-hour nerd fest, holy shit. And it's a fantasy theater binge, the likes of which you've never experienced. Also, there's dragons. I don't know how they got a

dragon in there. I thought they were extinct, but maybe not if you believe in magic in your heart. go to the house theater.com, get tickets for the Hammer Trinity. You heard it here first, unless you've heard of this before, and then we're like the second or third time you've heard it. But yeah, thanks you so much for listening.

Please, if you get a moment, share it with a friend, share it on Twitter, leave us a review on iTunes. That really helps us out. And thank you all so much for being so supportive. Oh, and God, we haven't done an episode since the Max Fund Drive. You all crushed it in the Max Fund Drive.

So many people, so many new donors came in and pleasure support for this show. And it was the most, wonderful feedback we could have ever possibly hoped for. Thank you so much for telling us in a very direct and very helpful way that you like what we're doing. We're going to keep doing more of it. And as a reward for you donating, I'm not going to make this break go on any longer. Here's the rest of the episode. Thank you and enjoy. Do you buy tired? I can take a short rest. Let's take a short rest. Okay, you take a 15-minute

power nap. Like a pizzazz. You take a pizzazz right there as the, The train departs from Rockport Station. And as it departs, it has started to begin its journey through the teeth, the mountain range that connects the two major land masses. Next will be the tongue and then the throat. Here it comes. And then these are the enunciators. And then through the gully works. Let's head into the car so we can talk to those guys.

Okay, you go into the passenger car, and nobody's actually there right now. You hear the sound, you hear somebody from the car behind you, from the dining car. You hear a voice going like, oh, wow, oh, man. Oh, we run in there. I want to know what it is. Let's go into the dining car. You go into the dining car where you hear these exclamations. The dining car is the fanciest car on the train.

There are a couple of crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling over eight or nine, you know, five-seat tables that are all very intricately set with crimson tablecloths and gold cutlery on them. there are large windows overlooking the, well, the nothing you're going through a mountain. But there are actually some either magical or just sort of bioluminescent lights that you will pass by every few seconds or so, just to let you know that you are making progress. So somehow they've set up some interior lighting inside of this train route. in this car you don't see Jess the beheader but you do see the fancy boy he's sitting at a table in the corner still reading his book just sort of surveying the scene and you see on one of the walls on the far side of the room is almost like a little booth like a almost like a confessional chamber that has its

door open and you see Jenkins standing outside of it seems to be like channeling some sort of spell onto the chamber and then emerging from the chamber is the juicy wizard who says that man that was amazing I've never felt so relaxed in my whole life and Jenkins says I'm glad that you enjoyed that I live to serve and he's still he's sea man Griffin his that's what it was it was he's his eyes are still kind of red and the guy uh The Hedge Wizard asked, hey, man, are you all right? You seem like you're upset.

And Chinkin says, no, it's, I don't want to talk about it. Jenkins! Jerks! What up, dog? That's them. Hello, how is your nap? Is everything good? I had a good nappy.

That's great to hear. Maybe you were being very fussy before because you hadn't had a- fuzzy baby. Am I right, Jenkins? So just real quick. First of all, do you need anything? But before that, do you have maybe anything you want to tell me? Still dig the bowtie.

Jenkins, I'm really sorry about threatening Tom Bodette earlier. Yeah, I feel pretty bad about that. When we're back in the village, I just want to see. Okay. Is he doing all right, do you think? Uh, are you speaking about the Tombo Dett who tried to kill himself in front of our train? Ah. Hey, Jenkins.

Yes. great choo-choo by the way quick question you mentioned the pleasure room and we got a little weird about it but now that I'm more relaxed and sort of comfortable in my own sexual truth right now

could you talk to me about I'm just trying to chase my bliss I'm just trying to chase my bliss can you tell me about the pleasure room he says well you're looking at it it's not this train car we don't

just open your shirt I don't let Oh, I'm sorry. I had an itch on my tummy. Let me get that. And got it. Okay. Buttoning back up now, slowly. And we are fully dressed. This is the pleasure chamber. It is not a sex thing. Maybe it can be. It is actually a type of magic I specialize in called a port. And I can make it so that when you interpret, enter this chamber, you can be in any room, anywhere in the world that you want to be. Just a quick getaway while we're traveling through this rather bleak mountain environment. I lay my hand on jigged shoulder and say, there's nowhere I'd rather be than here, my man. And I squeeze gently. So you don't want to trip in the pleasure chamber? No, I do. I do.

But you literally just said that you'd rather. Not you. I guess we all said some stuff. Listen, how does it work? Do we tell you where we want to go? You tell me where you want to go. There are some restrictions.

It's a kind of teleportation. But you can only open up a pleasure room to a room that only has one entrance and exit. And that is what you step through through this port. Is it an illusion? It is, no, it is a time. of teleportation, but it is a very limited type. You can't take anything from the room, anything. If you leave something behind, it will be destroyed, so don't do that.

Make sure you have your belongings with you. Where did Jucey go? He went to one of our special luxury pleasure rooms. We have prefabricated. It recreates the beaches off the Sword Coast. You know the ones. Oh, yeah. Right.

Where the palm trees sway and the beach of babies are there. They are extant. Predlers there. He wanted a tropical getaway. And so we hooked him up with our tropical getaway room. But you don't have to use one of our prefabricated rooms if you can think of any room in the world that you want to be in. Take your pick and sorry. Can we say like we want to go visit somebody but we don't know what room they're in?

It's got to be a specific room. You got to tell me the room, unfortunately. You can't just say, I want to be in a bank vault. Not that it would matter because you couldn't take the money anyway. Could you recreate our sleeping car? I guess so. That would be kind of crazy. I'm not creating anything.

You're actually going to these rooms. All right. I'd like to try it out. I'd have a room I'd like to go to. Can I go? I'm still trying to do this. Scottish thing. Kind of. All right.

And I'm not complaining. I'm just like pick one. If he does if you can do that voice, I'm going to have it import you to get the pleasure room in the inky blackness of space. All right. I'd like to go to the I'd like to. What happened to your accent? Do I have to... You told me

to stop doing it, damn it. No, Justin told you to stop doing it. Taco's a fan. All right. Here's what I want to do. I thought... I thought your name was Justin. I'd like to go to the room where, where are my package is. I went to see my package. Are you talking about the cargo car, which is literally any points to the left,

through this door right here, you want to use my incredible teleportation magic to go into the room that is adjacent to the room we're currently in? No. And also you can't. When you put it that way, no. Yeah, when I put it anyway. I want to go to the engineer's room. I want to go where he is behind a lock door that I can't go through. I preferred the other voice.

This is a little Scrooge McDucky, isn't it? Where's Flintlock Glamgold or whatever the fuck his name is? It was Flintlock Glomgold, Travis. You got it. Unfortunately, no, I won't do that. Like, it's like a security protocol for the train. like you said anywhere any room in the world any luxurious a day a day spa a uh a botanical garden a green yeah go yes yes we're i'm going to take you up on that later dog for right now i'm going to get my grub on

okay if you say so but if you change your mind can i entice either of the two of you i don't think i don't want to waste it yeah i don't feel like we're grounded enough let us have a little And then we'll get back to you. Okay. I go sit next to the fancy lad. Okay. Are the other two following suit? Yes.

I want to walk up to the fancy lad, and I want to say to him, you're a fancy lad. I pull out my extreme teen Bible. You know, being fancy is good, but sometimes it's better to be pansy and not just fancy. Let me read to you about Pan for my Extreme Team Bible. Bible. What do you say? Uh, hello, sir. Thank you for the evangelism, but I'm affiliated already, and I appreciate it. And my dad says that I, I'm not allowed to talk to people who worship pagan gods. Well, oh, that's fine, I guess. But you know, if you're going to stay close-minded and you're not going to be open to new ideas, you're not going to grow up to be a very well-rounded young man.

Okay, sir. I apologize. if I was being rude before. Please tell me the good news. Well, I tell you what, let me leave you this Pan Chick track, and you read it. Oh, great. Reading's my favorite, he says. I noticed that you were reading a book.

So you read this track, it's by this man named Chick, and it's all about Pan's tiny shoes, and it will lead you to make the right decision. Thank you very much. There's been some solid dungeons and dragons, saying, What is you name? Really moving the story forward. I'm brother, I'm brother Lehman.

Just call me Brother Lehman. Brother Lehman. Hello, my name is Angus. I'm a little boy. Do you, I'm going to visit my grandpa, never winter. Have you been to never winter before? I nudged Taco. He's the bad guy.

That's definitely the bad. That's definitely the bad guy. Excuse me, sirs. My grandpa says it's rude to whisper, especially on a train. My name's Angus. We had to say dirty words, Angus. Dirty words. You can't hear adult words. My grandpa, my grandpa says swears are not.

How are you from? Me? I'm not allowed to say. Are you from Fandolin? No. Where is that? I've never even heard of Fandelin. And you never will. And you never will. I like to read my books because it's like I get to go on a journey in my mind.

Taco. What are your names? What little kid likes reading? It's him. Sirs, what are your names? Well, I already heard your name. name, sir. Thank you for telling me it. I'm Diddley. I'm Justin. Didley and Justin, those are two fabulous names. My name's Angus.

What's your last name, Angus? McDonald. Angus McDonald, you say. Angus, do you like magic tricks? I do. I like them very much. My grandpa said he would take me to one and never winter. He would take me. My grandpa told me. He said, I'm going to take you to a magic trick. It didn't make a lot of sense Are you off put by three grown men

Standing over you asking you a bunch of questions? No, I was hoping I would meet people and make friends on the train Even though you're not allowed to talk to them That's pretty interesting Well, strangers aren't strangers anymore once you've talked to them and learning their names Do you want to go in the pleasure room with me? I already went to the pleasure room I went to my dad's library

Did I say my dad? I met my grandpa What's your grandpa's name? My grandpa forgot is name. He's very old. Wait, but you also forgot it? You never knew it, Angus? The memory of my grandpa's name died long before

I was born. It's a word not spoken since the birth of dragons. He prefers he prefers grandpa. I call him grandpa, because he's my grandpa. I love him. This is definitely a setup. He's a bad guy.

Well, let me show him my magic trick. Just let it ride. Let me show you this magic trick, all right? Okay, sir. It's called Zone of Truth. And when I cast Zone of Truth, well, you'll just have to see how cool it is. No, wait. Merle casts Zone of Truth. My brain feels like it's tingling.

I feel like I'm sneezing, but long. Like a long sneeze. That's the magic. Is it, it's not a, okay. Great. I get a chance to roll and resist this, right? Yes, you do. You get to throw a charisma saving roll.

Okay. And Clinton, remind me, does this affect all of us in the zone? No, just whoever I target it. Oh, thank Jesus. I don't think that's true. I don't actually think it's accurate either. I think the zone of truth is a zone. Otherwise, it would just be called Truth Beam, and you hit him.

He rolled a 24. What? What? Now, that's too low. We were looking for a 25. Hey, the tingles went away. That was a weird trick. Well, you're growing up.

Can I have a little side chat? If this fool just roll at 24, he is a really fucking bad guy. He's a bad guy. That's a racist. You can't hear this. We're whispering. This is clearly out of character. No, and this is out of character, too.

I'm telling you you're being racist right now. Just because somebody rolls good, that makes them evil? It's a luck-based... It's a luck-based... I've seen the dice. How can you roll a 20-sided dice and get a 24? He had a lot of charisma. He's a charismatic young man.

He's in the Boy Scouts of America. He volunteers in his local soup kitchen. He's a great kid. He's definitely a bad guy. Well, hold on. He's still a kid. He's a little boy. No, we're not going to kill a little boy.

Pardon me, sirs. Do you have any fruit leather? I ran. I just plumb ran out. All right, Angus. We're going to go talk to a juicy wizard. Okay, I had a good chat with you and I like Okay, we're done

Okay, sirs, well thank you very much Take the hint Okay, bye Just thanks for the company, bye Yeah As you turn to walk away from him You swear that you see the color of his eyes Just turn blood red

And no, I'm talking with you That's not true You're going to talk to juicy Wizard? Mm-hmm. Okay. Juicy Wizard is sort of running his hands over the pleasure room chamber, like just sort of eyeballing it, like studying it almost.

He's like, wow, this thing's amazing. Don't you guys love being on this train? The train's the best. It's pretty dope. Sorry, what are your names? I feel rude because I talked about how much I love this train before I introduced myself and before you had a chance to introduce yourselves. Oh, my name is Diddley.

Deadly. Mm-hmm. Didley. Is that short for something? Bo Didley. Wouldn't Bo be a much easier way to truncate that particular moniker? Way less fun. I'm right, my man.

You are so right. Hi-five. Okay. Let's get that out there. Now, I can tell you that my name is Graham. It's not as fun. I still sound like the boy that you were just talking to. You have a youthful energy about you.

Yeah. A very angloist-like vibe. Uh, what are your guys' names? I'm Lehman. Lehman Kessler. Hi, Lehman. Hi, Graham. Justin.

Uh, I can't help but notice your garb, your robe, your robe, and your hat. Are you perchance a wizard too? Yeah, man. Totally. Don't you recognize me from TV? Shh. Oh, my God. Is it really you? Justin.

It's a stage name. No, wait, strike that. Taka. How old are you, Graham? Me? Yep. Oh, I'm, I'm, uh, me. Oh, my age?

Yeah. Me? My age? I'm trying to, me? My age? I'm not a little boy. I'm, he's aging before our very eyes. Hey, okay, pipe down.

Thirty-six years young. Pipe down, Benjamin, but let me lay it up for you. I'm taco. The Wizard from TV. Yes, it's great to meet you too. But on the train, when I'm in private life, I go by my real name, Justin Lehman. Oh, that's not that weird to

have a train name. A name that you use only on trains. Can I tell you something? Yeah. Can I tell you something? Please. Can I tell you something?

Yeah. Go nuts, my man. Graham is my train. name. Do you have another real name? Yeah. What is it? Percy? Good choice with Graham. Yeah, Graham's way better. It just feels like a thing that you would say on a train. Absolutely. It does. It feels like a train name. Check this out. All aboard, Percy. It just doesn't work, does it? Anyway, Graham's my name. Graham, what's your school of magic,

man? I'm undeclared. Working on it. It's just I... Oh, that's fine. Remember that age? I moved down one ladder and it's like... Like, yeah, evocation's pretty great, but I sure, I'd love to turn that apple into something else. See, I lack creativity, and that help, that hinders me. That's a hindrance, right, but you'll find it. Don't beat yourself up. Will I? He is 36.

What I really want to do, he says, is I would love to work on a train. It's been my dream my whole life is to be, be a work on a train, be whatever. roll they need me on just to live life on the rails it's just something i just just always appeal it's this train is amazing they have a pleasure chamber just to grab a mop my man grab life by the horns what do you just like start mopping and just like see what happens sure is that the secret you know that or be a hobo yolo i could be a yobo yo-o a yolo hobo i would have a hard time finding a place where i could squat on on this particular train. But...

No, just go in the bathroom. Gross. What a very gross thing. Yeah. I've, I actually, it's uncomfortable because, um, I just applied to be on this train and I didn't get accepted. Um, and so I just sort of came on to shadow, uh, Jenkins just to like, see what I could learn, see what I can pick up. I lean over to taco. Motive.

That's motive. You're a, you're a worse wizard than Jenkins. I said that. I'll have so that jinkets good here. Why would you do that? Oh, I didn't want you to have to waste a spell slot trying to read my mind. He says, I know how precious they are. I feel like this conversation's starting to take a turn for the worst.

So I'm going to head out, not leave, because the train's going through a mountain, and I would die. But you get the picture. It was great to meet you guys. and he walks just not very far away from you. He walks like eight feet away from you and sits down at a table by himself. It was very clear he didn't have any pressing engagement that he needed to get to. I think he preferred not your company at that point. We are really making friends on this train.

Influencing people. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey everyone. We're the flop house. One of the newest additions to the Maximum Fun. Fun Podcasting Network. I'm Dan McCoy.

I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin. What is the flop house? You may very well ask. We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast? Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying,

one, we've been doing this show for over seven years, long before the entire premise of our show was a cliche. And two, shut up. Sick burn. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast, a podcast about words that sound like other words, A podcast about me singing long, irritating songs like this one. A podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie or discussions about sex tarps.

Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out. And talking about ding-dongs. That's mostly used to. Wait, what? So if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today or visit maximum fun.org to follow the show. The Flop House.