The Adventure Zone - Ep. 13. Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Four

Episode Date: April 23, 2015

As you might have guessed from the title of the past few episodes, our heroes' journey isn't going to be an especially calm one. Because of all the murder, I mean. Taako mourns the dead. Merle finally plays his part. Magnus does one of the absolute coolest punches ever. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. My name is Hudson. I'm the engineer of this train. Walking through the passenger car, you only see three other passengers. Hello, I'm Jenkins. I'm the wizard attendant on the Rockport Limited. I saw a Dwarven Woman in there, and I swear I recognized her, but I can't remember a name. Have you ever heard of Jess the beheader? Oh.

This is the pleasure chamber. It is not a sex thing. Maybe it can be. I can make it so that when you enter this chamber, you can be in any room, anywhere in the world that you want to be. Hello, my name is Angus. I'm a little boy. I'm going to visit my grandpa, never winter. I can tell you that my name is Graham.

It's not as fun. I still sound like the boy that you were just talking to. You have a youthful energy about you. This week, someone reaches their final destination. heavy all aboard the adventure zone uh the three of you have just been served a scrumptious brunch service by a very reluctant jenkins i'm still enjoying my pepods was it a savory brunch or a sweet brunch are we looking like i i think justin has just decided what it is based on his earth world fully work what is what is that some edamame we're having some peatots and what's that oh yeah i filled

my pockets with croutons. Oh, man. Nice brunch croutes. Waffle croutons. Just to check in on my real Earth brother's health and well-being, daddy, you're in the same room as the J-man. Is he just eating croutons out of a bag right now? No, no, no, he's got him on a plate.

He's got a plate full of delicious croutons and looks like he's got one of those little mutant teeny tiny carrots and a couple of. couple of pea pods so that the two pea pods and the two carrots will completely cancel out the six pounds of groutons for the eight okay good call but diet dr pepper hey then that that that helps we'll check back with the judges on cookie point allocation after the recording of this episode of the podcast that we do right um but in in the game world you've just enjoyed a delicious brunch that jenkins reluctantly served you uh and uh you've been on the train now for about an hour and a half Jenkins checks back in on you and asks,

have you given any more thought to, I see, I can't do it as good this week. My throat's not as ragged. Have you given any more thought to a pleasure chamber you might want to visit? I can take you to one of my own personal favorites. I can take you to a beautiful day spa where you'll be covered in the richest yogurt. and, well, you won't be massaged because nobody else will be there,

but it's like a yogurt dip. Jenkins? Yes. Could I visit your mom's house? If you could visit a room again. You could visit... Oh, I see.

Is this an actual request or just what of your pack? No, Jenkins. Nah, we're cool. Jenkins, I have a request. Send me to your mom. popular pleasure room. Oh, I can do that for you.

He removes from his pocket, I guess, from within his robe, we'll say he withdraws a small rod, a small cylindrical. God damn it. Tell me about the small rod he pulls out of his robes. It's cylindrical and made of... Is he... Does he seem proud of it or like he's embarrassed to pull it out? He whips it out and it's basically just like a very plain looking silvery rod.

I don't know what to call it. When he turns back to me, I've dropped my robes. Okay. I'm wearing underwear. Okay. I want to be ready for anything. Well, that will not be necessary. Spell me like one of your French girls.

I put my robes back on. get a little bit sheepish about the whole thing. Yeah, like you're on a train. There's other people around. He takes this rod. You're welcome. He points it at the doorframe and sort of traces the outline of the doorframe of this very, very shallow closet that's like built into the wall of the dining car. And then he opens up the door and it opens up to a green.

house full of lush plants and rich clusters of berries and just sort of these explosions of beautiful flora that it's the most gorgeous collection of plants that any of you have ever seen. I don't know if this is any of your jams. Maybe Merle with your proclivity towards the natural world. Yeah. Are you particularly moved by, I don't want to put feelings. in your heart or words in your mouth. Magnus yawns demurely behind his hand.

Okay. Is this not, I thought that it might be good. No, sorry, it's just, it's been a long day. It's not, you're, this is a great pleasure room. Are they going to? Or is this just a solo miss? Anybody can go in if you want. I'm going to stay out here and continue channeling

because it's important that I do that or the three of you will die. So the three of you wander into this. beautiful botanical garden. It's very relaxing. It's a little disorienting at first, being on like a high-speed train and then being in a stationary sort of room. But yeah, you aren't too bothered by that because it's, it smells great in here. Griff, can you clarify something for me? I have to not to. No, please, go ahead. Is the door to the pleasure room just sort of like an ephemeral like floating portal or is there like a little room no it's a door it's a door frame and it's it's not so much the room that's transforming it's it's more

that the door is has opened up a gateway to this role it's not like the don't it's not it's not it's like the holodeck it's like a this is like a stargate situation yeah kind of or narnia yeah there's a clearly defined, on your side of the door, in the botanical garden, you see the same doorframe from the train that is now behind you, and through it you can see the dining car. You can see Jenkins holding his rod and put, don't, pointing it at the door and saying, enjoy yourselves, please don't take too long. And remember, don't leave anything behind, and you cannot take anything with you. Except memories Well the memories

Yes will be obliterated No I'm kidding Oh Jenkins You are a cad Nothing could destroy memories And let's leave the door open Shall we? Well yes it would have to be

Yes Can I make an arcana check to see What I can tell about the magic Of this portal? Yeah sure Do you need dice for that or Or just ask It's still but yeah

It's 21 21 This magic that he is using is let me check I don't know what it would actually be it says here super cool it's super cool according to the manual

this is not illusion magic he has not created a fake version of this botanical garden this is conjuration magic which is the school of magic that teleportation magic belongs to so this is honest to god teleportation but a very limited form of it okay it's it's

incredibly incredibly difficult for wizards to teleport proper, right, to actually go from one place to the other and just be there. This is a sort of limited, easier to use version of teleportation where you cannot sort of permanently displace yourself from one point to the other. And that's, that is why there are those limitations. And if, if teleportation magic is hard for Wiscuits to me, it must be impossible for Jenkins's. Bing. Bing, you got me. Okay. I just said that.

of nothing. Jenkins was saying I'm insane. And very, very rude. I walk around, I check it out, I see what there is to see. Nice. It's very nice, very pleasant. Thank you. I tend to it myself. This is a real garden and rockboard. I tend to myself to help me exercise my demons.

Is there anywhere in particular Jenkins would like me to use the bathroom? Is there a bathroom corner? Or is it just ladies' choice Come back through and there's a bathroom on the train I pee in the corner Great, great, great, great, great Sort of marking your territory

Not on me This isn't in a weird way This is just like I'm commuting with nature And I feel very present in the moment Jokes on you though When you step back through the portal Your piss will disappear It always does Jenkins

I've been cursed You did a witch kiss you That it did Give you evaporating Piss It was actually It's not a bad curse As it goes

No I would say it's actually very good It's very pleasant But the fear is that one day All the piss will return at once Oh no Like that scene in the shining With the elevator What is this still happening

I just want to come into the room And continue the adventure please With a work to do You enjoy the floral Pleasure Chamber for a little while and then return back to the dining car. Jenkins retreats towards the front of the car to continue his stewardly business. And the only people in the car now are the three of you and Angus McDonald, the fancy lad from before,

who closes his book, sets it down on the table and says, Hello, sirs, how is your trip? don't trust him okay good Angus we had a good time we sure missed you though I missed you too hey I forgot to ask

what are y'all going to Neverwinter for business visit relatives oh you also have I wonder if my grandpa knows your relatives what relatives live there the distant ones

well in terms of like your familial relationship or are we talking about geographical I know. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. We call him our uncle,

but it's really just a good friend of my dad's. So, you know, it's not really that kind of connection. What's his name? His name is Willard. And what are your guys' names? I'm Lehman. Still deadly. No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What are your guys real names? Huh? Excuse? What do you mean, Pope? Pardon, M.Amoa? What are the names that aren't fake that you guys actually have? I don't trust him.

I really don't trust him now. I lean over to Taco. Should I kill him? I cast Detect Magic. Okay. You cast Detect Magic. What does that do again? It sounds like a lightsaber.

It sounds like a lightsaber. It makes my book levitate out of the closet and open to the proper page to tell me what? magic does. Okay. We're really good at D&D. Detect magic. For the duration, you sense the presence of magic within 30 feet of you. If you sense magic in this way, you can use your action to see a faint aura around any visible creature or object in the area that bears magic. And you learn its school of magic, if any.

Nice. So has he got a aura? So you're casting this, I guess, in the 30 feet around you, that would pick up, basically everything in this dining car. Yeah. His book, which is a sort of a plain blue book

without any sort of cover art, it's not the secret. And if it were, I mean, it is secretive. You cannot tell what the book is. But you do detect traces of magic on it for divination. Divination is the school of magic about learning secrets long forgotten,

predicting the future, finding hidden things, and foiling deceptive spells. Griffin, can I roll to see if I can snatch the book out of his hands and hold it above his head tauntingly? Absolutely you can. Okay. This is Dungeons and bullying check, or cyberbullying, because we're doing this on the internet. So you're casting Nana-Nan-A-Boo, right? Yeah, I roll the 14 and I have a plus 18 to bullying. That's 32.

No, it would be probably a slight of hand check if you're just going to very good. quickly try and grab this out of his hands and he roll that 16 okay and he will contest that with gosh i don't know dexterity probably yeah probably dexterity uh he's got uh plus four to dexterity and i roll the 16 that's a 20 damn you uh you try and snatch it out of his hands and he quickly rips it back and he says don't do don't try that again just i need to know what your guys names are right now i try it again okay That time it was an 18. Okay.

That time I rolled at 6, which is a 10. Okay, you snatch it out of his hands and hold it above his head. He says, okay, that's not cool, man. I get it. I'm not as tall as you are. Laugh condescendingly, Trab. Okay? I roll to laugh condescendingly.

You can just do that. Success. Okay. We're just team. Jeez and you, little fella. Just having some good sporting with you. It's a great prank and a really good goof. I toss the book to Taco.

Okay, so we're doing this now, huh? It's called Monkey in the Middle. I know what it's called. No, I can't read magic. Okay, I look at it and do an arcana check on the book. You already did. No, I did an arcana check on the room. I've done an arcana check.

Well, he threw it in where he said the book is from, it's used to detect truth. Arcana, though, is like, what is it? I had my headphones off, ironically, looking for the book to tell me what detect magic. That is fucking delicious. Arcana measures your ability to recall lore about spells, magic items, eldridge symbols, magical tradition, the planes of existence, and the inhabitants of those planes. Using your arcana, which you're going to roll now before I actually tell you what happens?

That's 22. Nice. Okay. So yeah, this is a, this book has some divination magic built into it. And you actually recognize it as an interceptor book. And what it can do is intercept messages that are transmitted through magical means and then display them in a plain text version of any language of the readers, choosing on the page, on a page of the book.

Does that like stick around? And actually, it's funny you ask, as you pick it up, the book and open it up to figure it out, the book sort of magically responds, and you can read the last message that was deciphered, that was intercepted by the book. And it reads, Lehman Kessler and Co. Not who they say they are. Stop. Charm magic spell performed at the station. Stop. Hand over to authorities immediately upon arrival in Neverwinter. Stop.

Does the interceptor, as its name would imply, keep the message from getting where it's going? Yes. Or is it just sort of like, oh, okay. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. Angus, where did you get this book? That's not important.

What is important is that the three of you tell me exactly what you're doing on this train and what your real names are. How about we have the book, so why don't you tell us some stuff and then we'll give me a book back? Quid pro quo, Mr. Angus. Quint pro quo. What he said. How about I'm a little boy who knows that you're lying and I can yell and yell and yell and get you in lots of trouble? How about except for me, we're much bigger than you and we can thump your gourd? Okay, wait, wait, hold on.

The only good thing about him knowing you're lying is you don't have to do the voice in front of Angus. Um, you know what? Here, I toss in the book. Yeah, I'm on board with that. You seem okay. So what's the skinny kid? My name's Taco. You probably recognize me from TV.

TV hasn't been invented, yes, sir. It's, this is a place out of time. TV might have been invented. I can explain everything. If you come with me in my sleeper car, there might be prying eyes in listening years. Yeah, another weird about three grown men accompanying Angus to a sleeper car. Let's go. Make sure we pass all the paparazzo on the way.

The three of you retreat with Angus to his sleeper car. It actually is a lot nicer than yours, which seems weird. But he sits down on the bed and opens up his book, and he says... God, he's not a brony, is he? I'm a mad brony, yo. We love bronies. He says, Uh,

my name is Angus McDonald. That part you already know. Uh, I am, and I'm not being braggie, because I, my grandpa says not to do that, but I am the world's greatest detective,

he says. I roll my eyes. Okay. I mean, I, I did detective good enough to see through your horse shit, so I can't be too bad. Are you saying you're a boy detective?

I, if you, want to be reductive. I have a motto and that's age ain't no thing. Anyway, I'm the world's greatest detective and I'm on the trail of a serial killer named the Rockport Slayer. I was hired on by the Rockport City Council.

I didn't think those words too. I just certain said it. I was hired by the Rockport City Council to track down the Rockport Slayer. His serial killer has been given them no shortage of trouble. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. He's been in business in Rockport for a few months now.

What he does is he targets wealthy individuals, and he murders him, and he takes their riches. But he never leaves a trace behind him. And so I'm trying to track him down. I explain that, right? I think that we are working towards a similar goal. The three of us, we work for an organization. Let's leave it at that. What's it called?

I can't tell you. Good detective. It requires that you obtain as much information about the cases you possibly can. I'll tell him what it's called. It's called the... Oh, You got something in your throat? Did you get that okay?

Is there some sort of magical charm preventing you from telling me what it actually is? The thing that's preventing it is the... of... that we wear on our... Okay. He looks over your bracers. Oh, I see. Those are some sort of communication-intrated braces, right?

You are good. You are. You're real good. That was right between the eyes. Got him. He says, I have reason to believe that the serial killer, the Rockport Slayer, is somewhere aboard this train, because last night he murdered the real Lehman-Cessler. Can I ask you a question, Angus?

Yeah, please. In the book, there was a message. Does your book tell you who a message is sent from, or do you just sort of snatched out of thin air? According to this, it was sent through a magical line down the rails by a Tom Bow debt. I knew killing him. We should have killed Tombo's dead. I knew it.

To explain, when the charmed person's spell wears off, the person who is charmed knows that you cast a charm's person spell on him. Oh, well. If memory serves, we didn't even need to cast it. We just did it for shins and giggle. So good job, us. Tell me this, he says. I know that you all are restricted in what you can and can't tell me through magical means. but can you tell me this?

Was Lehman Kessler carrying something very valuable? He was. Can you tell me anything about it? No. Let me try. It was one of the... No, that's not doing it. It's not going to work.

Not working. Look, kid, we're taking a lot of things on faith here. You're going to have to take some things on faith, too. Angus, here's what we can tell you. Okay. This item, if it falls into the wrong hand, is remarkably dangerous, is incredibly bad. And this item, if my suspicions are to be believed,

is locked up in the safe, in the cargo car. Is that correct? Well, that's not really that impressed. That's where we locked stuff up, Angus. You didn't really, like, deduce the shit out of that one. He wasn't showboating. Yeah, I'm just sort of working with you now. Oh, yes.

Then, yes, you're correct. That is correct, Angus. Oh, no, it's too late for that conversation, but let's move on. Okay. So the issue that we're dealing with, Angus, is it's back there. We don't know very much about the item except that it's very dangerous. Have you tried explaining to the engineer so he can open it up so that you guys can secure it?

Here's the problem. What we're talking about is so, like, big deal. This is going to sound phony. Well, we don't know who we can trust. Listen, look at us. We're three grown men trusting a baby with the secrets. I'm not a baby. I'm a, I'm a, what, how old?

I'm 10. Did I say how old I was last time? 10. 10 it is. A master of observation, indeed. It's this attention to detail that convinced us. If the object of value that the three of you are trying to claim is somewhere on this train, then I have reason to believe that the Rockport Slayer is somewhere on the train too.

So we need to, uh, as he's talking. and explaining this to you, you see a shadow through the frosted glass of the sleeper car, breeze past the windows, and Angus gets very quiet. And he says, I have reason to believe that Rockport Slayers. I can't hear you. Well, what's that? Prying eyes. What? Prying eyes. Prying eyes. There's prying eyes and prying ears. Hey, shh, there's prying ears everywhere, Angus. What are you yelling about? Kiddy, you crazy? I am 100% sure That the three of you don't possess the competency required

Solid To perform multiple murders without getting caught by me already He is a good detective That's pretty good Is that your way of saying We're off the suspect list for being serial killers? For now But I will need you to help me catch

And apprehend Which also means catch The Real Rockport Slayer Who I know is somewhere aboard this from outside towards the front of the train you hear a high-pitched shriek how was that

that's good and Angus goes oh no we need to go check that out right now aboard this what? Abboard this what? Train okay let's go okay the three of you move from the sleeper car

towards the front of the train towards the passenger car Before you even reach the door to the chamber between cars, you see a large pool of blood on the outside of the closed door. And there is actually a little bit of blood on the door itself also. But the door is closed. Oh, that sounds oaky. I don't like the look of this one bit. All right.

Well, you go first. Okay, sounds fair. He says, that is not like you at all, Magnus. And opens up the door to the space between the sleeper and passenger cars and walks inside. And from where you're standing, you can see a scene of pretty tremendous gore. Are you walking into the space between the cars? Yeah, oh gosh, yeah. I was going to say, that's not very Magnus rushes in of you.

Oh, yeah. Magnus rushes in. It's not a while. since I got to rush anywhere. Look, kid, you did the detective work. We'll do the heavy lifting, all right? You are now in the space between the cars, which is a pretty tight fit. Imagine about the size of like an elevator car with entrances on both sides, one leading towards the front of the train, towards the passenger, one, the one you just stepped through.

So it's enclosed, correct? It is enclosed. There are no windows. It's just sort of a, you know, like a space between trains. I don't know how familiar with trains the three of you are. Lying on the floor, you see a body. This body is wearing robes. It has been beheaded completely.

No. It's both of its hands. Reach inside its robe and see if you can find its rod. Both of its hands are missing. and does he have a tie just have a bow tie tell me it doesn't have a bowtie Griffin

it has a shimmering rainbow no we definitely appreciate him while he was alive Jenkins Jenkins has been beheaded

behanded if only you'd use one of your spell slice oh no in the corner you see Angus leaning over

the body of Graham. Graham, too? And he's just jerking it. He is not beheaded and behanded. He's not, he doesn't seem to have any wounds. He's just lying on the floor.

And Angus says, who is Graham? Graham is the juicy wizard. Ah, thank you. Graham is the juicy wizard, of course, that you all remember and love. And Angus is the juicy wizard, Graham. Yeah. Angus is leaning over his body. And he says, he's just fainted.

Also in the car, you see the drink cart that was Jenkins, the dearly departed. You forgot his name already, Griffin. Well, he's dead. We don't know. He's been dead for seconds. And there is a considerable amount of blood on the floor here, too. And God, I got a lot of names going. And Angus says, look over the body as quick as you can before anybody else gets here.

That's my job. Let me look at the body. Okay. You can all make investigation checks if you like. Well, I am the medical expert. Yes. Okay. I want to see if the rod is missing.

That's a fair question. Okay, you're going to do that. I roll the 19. What are we rolling? And also look for investigation checks. And also look to see what if his wand's there too. Nice. You roll the what now?

19. Okay. Magnus, you very quickly investigate his belongings. There's no rod in his possession. There's no wand, no magical instrument. Really, nothing on this guy. A six for Taco. Did I find anything? You're just sort of investigating.

You know, I'm looking at, I'm looking at this investigating scene with my six. Okay. With a six investigation, you don't see a lot. The only sort of peculiar thing you notice is that the cut through the neck, the sort of carving job that happened there, is very clean. It is a very, very clean cut through the neck. Let me investigate the body a little more. I rolled a 20. A 20.

Okay. With a 20, you notice two things. first of all is that the cut through the hands, the cut through the wrist, I should say, to remove the hands is not clean. It is not nearly as smooth, as professionally executed, I guess you could say, as the neck itself. And the other thing that you notice is that Jenkins' clothes are, other than the blood that has gotten on them, They are relatively unscathed, untorn. There doesn't appear to be any sign of a struggle just based on what he's wearing.

So the three of you have investigated the corpse and... Is he bleeding from the neck and the wrist? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a sprinkler right now. Okay. Angus. One of those wacky sprinklers. Angus looks at him.

He goes, we need to get Graham to a bed or something as quick as... And he stops. and looks up and he says, nobody move. I turn around what? He, with a flick of his wrist, Angus produces a hand crossbow from his sleeve and shoots it at the ceiling. And as he does, you hear a growling sound like, like that.

and suddenly a figure starts to take shape on the ceiling. First you see four very, very sharp straight claws, almost like crab claws, attached to a large, round torso that on the bottom of it has a circular mouth with three rows of glowing orange, teeth inside of it. And Angus points at the door behind you and says, I'm going to get this guy out of here. You three run. No, wait, hold on. We got this. It's cool. And with that, Angus grabs Graham and with a surprising amount of strength for a little boy, pulls him out of the chamber. And just as he does, this crab-like creature above you, his mouth, the teeth on his mouth begin to spin. his mouth begins to glow.

I'm following Angus. I'll see you all in hell. Okay. Come on, stupid. All right, go. I'll get the rear. Go. We don't have any weapons. We have magic.

Well, some of us do. Which direction are you staying in the car? Are you running towards Angus? Or are you running away towards the back of the car? Is the thing still on the ceiling? Yeah. I gave up my weapons. Did I give up my shield as well? Yeah. Oh. You guys really want to run away. You don't want to fight. I have no, we have no, you have no, you have offensive magic? Yeah. I have offensive magic. I want to tell you a story about the time that there were three ogres, right? And then one of them hit me so hard, I almost died. You were sitting up at some sort of weird laser just shooting flask, willy-nilly. And Travis is ripping the arms off of robots. And I got punched so hard. I almost died.

died. I'm not going to go to toe to with a crab or you're armed with a terrible Scottish accent, and Travis doesn't even have his shield. I'm out. I mean, did I say Travis? I mean Lehman Gessler. Nope. That was wrong all the way around.

Good enough. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin Macquarie, your dungeon master, your friend. Thank you for listening to the Adventure Zone Episode 13, part uh, four, I think, of Murder on the Rockport Limited. Speaking of, sorry about the murder, they just happened on the Rockport Limited.

I did not realize that Jenkins was going to be such a crossover hit when we killed him, but no use crying over spilled NPCs. Just a little bit of general housekeeping this week. Just a reminder, if you tweet about our show with the Zonecast hashtag and spread the word, there's a chance you could end up as a character on the show, much like Angus and Graham and Jess and like the billion people that I had to come up with that are all on this train. That could be you. Just use the hashtag the Zonecast on the Twitter.

If you want to submit an item that our heroes could possibly purchase at the Fantasy Costco between adventures, you can shoot a short name, description, and price for that item to AdventureZonecast at gmail.com. Also, if you want to see some pretty bitch and fan art, then you can go to theadventure.zone, which is our central hub website where we post new episodes, a cool art that we found, and character sheets, which I realize I haven't updated in a long time. But I'm busy. Get off my back, Dad. Wait, well, my dad's on the podcast, so I know that you're not him, but you know what I mean. Got a personal message here for Sophie Manfat Canon of the Kent Manfat Canons.

And it's from Matt. Matt says to Sophie, happy approximately your birthday. Since moving to Hong Kong, life has been less smelly and entertaining. I don't know if that means less entertaining in conjunction with the smell factor or you're the most adequate acquaintance a boy could wish for. Can't wait to see you when I visit London in November. I will bring your other birthday gift, my magnificent presents. P.S. come to Hong Kong.

Okay, thanks, bye. I'm pretty sure Hong Kong and London are basically neighbors. But as this podcast has proved time and time again, I don't know shit all about geography. If you like our show and you haven't checked out the other shows on the Maximum Fun Network, you should

because they're all free and they're all really, really great. We have other shows on the network, Justin Travis and I do an advice show called My Brother My Brother and Me. Justin does a medical history show with his wife, Sydney, called Sawbones. Travis does an apocalypse show with his friend Andy called Bunker Buddies. There's also non-macoroy products on the network like Jordan Jesse Go. Stop podcasting yourself, throwing shade, pop rocket, lady to lady, one bad mother. There's a lot of jams on there, and you're going to find something that scratches your itch.

I guarantee it. That's all I've got for this week. Thank you all so, so much for listening and sharing the show and reviewing on iTunes. We feel your love on a daily basis. I wake up in the morning, and it's like the first thing I feel. It hits me like a wave. Like, whoa. Somebody out there likes listening to my family roleplay.

Anyway, that was stupid. Thanks for listening and enjoy the rest of the episode. Okay, so what if the three of you decided to do? Layout for me again. We're in a train car, right? You are in the space between the passenger and sleeper cars. We're looking into the passenger car. The Angus has just pulled Graham into the passenger car, and he told you to run the other way.

The weird crab is in front of the... It's on the ceiling with its glowing mouth pointed downward. And he's in the ceiling and the space between. Yeah. I have stopped a time here. for all of you with my, my immeasurable DM God magic, so that the three of you can make a decision. I mean, I already made mine.

I like pushed Angus out of the way. Like, give me. Yeah, I'm going towards the passenger car, I guess. Okay. You are in... It's better to stick together, I guess. Sure. Whatever helps you sleep.

I'll go along. The three of you follow Angus into the passenger car. And he yells, shut the door! Were you burning a barn? I shut the door. Okay. You slammed the door behind you, and as you do, you hear a deafening roar come from that room, and the door seems to buckle and rattle.

You feel a burst of... Did I try to do the folly? Yeah, yeah, sure. I brace against it. That's good. Dad did it. I wanted to do it, but dad did it. I'm sorry.

I was helping. That's the worst. You weren't helping. I was going to do a hilarious joke. Okay. Oh, man. We'll take it from the top. Okay.

So can't do the folly on the roar? Yeah. That was a pretty good joke. That was worth two takes. That was worth going back. That was good. Yeah. That was good.

Let's take more passes. That one felt a little limp to me. Uh, That was the door. Angus yells. That felt good to me. Angus yells. Can we do a silly one with maybe something like we'd crunch up some cellophane to make it sound like he's walking through leaves?

Wow, that door sounded so realistic. Oh, he found a horse. Oh, no. And he's underwater. Oh, he's throwing punches. And now, I don't know what that was. The train derails in everyone. on board dies.

Do some fucking folly on that. I want to hear the folly of all of your death rattles. Three ghosts appear and strangle all three of you to death. What's that sound like? That's my death rattle. Yeah, it's a pretty good goof. You feel a sort of burst of hot air come from behind this incredibly lifelike rattling fantasy door.

Angus yells, What are you doing? I told you to run towards the back of the train. Sirs? Well, we wanted to, like, protect you. I don't need protecting. I need, you know what a great thing to do? To protect me would be, he says,

and the door behind you in the space where you found the corpse just blasts open, and that crab, that fiery crab monster lurches through. And Angus yells, it would have been great if you had brought it in any other room except for the room that we're in now if you had maybe if you know what listen if you could have agroed him and trained him towards the back of the train oh I get why they call it that now

anyway we better roll initiative okay I rolled a 10 I rolled a 19 well damn dog uh 11 we should love this one chill touch this one's nice Chill. Hey.

Hey. How about a chill touch. Chill touch. Just relax. I think chill touch is what they do in Earth Girls are easy. Be cool. Take a seat on my Adirondack chair. Okay. First in the order is Merle.

First off, let me explain the situation. The three of you are in the passenger car, which is essentially just a row of two rows of benches on the left and right sides of the train with some windows next to each bench. Imagine the layout of a... Well, a train. And in the front row,

sitting who's just turned to survey the deafening noise and yelling, you see Jess, the beheader. And just behind you is Angus, who is still dragging Graham, the fainted, juicy wizard, away from this crab, who is directly in front of you.

And with that, it is Merle's turn. So Angus is heading towards the front of the train. Angus is basically trying to get Graham away from the... Right, but I'm trying to get the direction fixed on my head. Towards the front of the train. The crab is towards the back of the train. Right, exactly. Okay, I have decided to no longer try to be...

Wesley. I'm from Princess Bride. I'm going to fulfill my role as a cleric. I cast shield of faith. Okay. A shimmering field that lasts for 10 minutes and will give each one of the three of us plus 2 AC. Okay. You're welcome.

You're going to move or do anything? No, I'm just doing that. Cast and shield of faith. Okay. I hold up my book, my streamteen Bible, a bright, clear crystal blue. Sheen erupts from it. Is it clear or is it crystal blue? Yes.

Crystal clear blue it with a slight bluish tint. Griff, are we able to tell like what, does the crab seem organic or robotic or what is it? Oh, it's organic. It is, it's not an automaton. It is...

You're not trying to sales about those. Yeah. How big is it? Like, compare it to an animal? It is the size of a Hmm, that's a great question, Travis. Sort of a Galapagos turtle. Okay.

Oh, that would hurt. What would? If it pinched us. Yeah, it was not. It doesn't have pinchers as much as it has these long, razor-sharp claws. And a mouth that is very big and has lots of teeth like a sarlack. Okay. Yeah, but there's still good meat in there.

Oh, for sure, for sure, for sure. Awesome. Okay, Merle, are you done? You're not moving? That's it. I'm not moving. Okay. The three of you are just standing shoulder to shoulder then, I guess.

It is now the crab's turn. He scuttles towards the three of you, sort of rotates his body, and rears back on one of his claws, and swings one claw each at all three of you. Sweet. Oh, that's a cool up. Just sort of a raking attack.

We'll start with Merle Which one do I roll? I'm rolling to attack your AC All right That is a 17 Yeah 18 is my armor clack Actually it's 20 right now right

Oh that's right yes Okay so his claw just sort of grazes you And just sort of glances off your puldrons Of your chain mail armor The next claw comes down on Taco and that is, ooh, god damn, 24. Just barely. And I'll go ahead and roll the attack on Merle, too, to see if it hits.

That is a 18. Wait, on me, you mean? Yeah, sorry. My AC right now is 19. Thank you, Merle. Okay, so Taco, you are the only one that got hit by that, and you take... Take,

plus eight, 14 damage as he rakes it across your chest. Am I correct in thinking that without my shield, I can't do? Yeah, you can't. I think that's true. I think that's true, too. I'm going to say it's true,

because how, what the fuck? What are you going to do? Jump in front of it, like, in the line of fire? I mean, I will. I'll take that damage. No. Taco took that damage,

14 damage to the Taco. Wait, how many? Yeah, 14. Listen, you guys are level what? Level four now? You can take a beaten. 14's nothing. I shouldn't take 14 damage.

Really? You should see a doctor, Griffin. Next in the order is taco. No, wait, wait, wait. It just has protection. When a creature you see attacks a target other than you with his in five feet. Oh, no, you must be wielding a shield. Okay, never mind. I was about to say, what are you?

Hey, you cut it out. Get your damn hands off him. You get your damn lobster cloth. off him. No biff. Okay. Taco, it is your turn. Where is the thing has made its way into the train car, right? It's right in front of you, yeah.

All of you are about, you're sort of clustered up together about eight feet from the door that you came through. Okay. Okay. I cast levitate on the crab. Nice. Okay. It has to pass a Constitution saving throw. Constitution is not this crab's strong point, which I'm sure you'll be how to hear.

I'm glad to hear. What is that? And then what? You just, you levitate him? Yeah, he floats for 10 minutes. Okay. I didn't know. You can do that.

And he can, well, you have to have a, I mean, if it's unwilling, you have to pass a Constitution to saving throw. Okay. 11? Yeah, I didn't pass. Okay, this crab is now levitating. How high? And what does that mean? You, it would float up to 20 feet.

Right? at this point, it can only move if it uses another physical object to like push itself? Yeah, it can push off of a surface within reach I can change the altitude by up to 20 feet

in either direction on my turn. Can I say something as a free action? Yeah. Knock it out of the train. Cool. You know, basically, if you levitate it up to the roof,

you've got a crab on its back, not able to move. Yeah, I want to knock it out of the train. Magnus, it is your turn. Excellent. I'm going to step up and phantom fisted out a window. Okay. That is a 17.

And you have to beat AC? Yeah. Yeah, he has 16 AC, so that connects. So that hits one before. And don't you get some sort of bonus for your unarmed? Oh, it does. It does. It's 1D4.

So I hit it for two, but I get to push it. Okay. And I'm going to push it through the window. So basically, I'm punching it out of window. The window is about six feet, which is the left or right? You're basically in the center of the train right now. I mean, I'm punching it with my right fist. So it would be towards the left.

Yes. Okay. You punch him, and how far can you punch him with the Phantom Fist? I don't know. This pushes the target back 2D4 feet. Oh, okay. Great. We will say because he's experiencing some like anti-gravity shit right now, we'll bump that up to 3D4.

Okay. So you need to get six if you want to try and get him out of the train. Six. Okay, yeah. Ten. Okay. You punch him towards the. left side of the train. He hits the glass and it shatters, but he gets a chance to try and grab

onto the sides of the train to avoid getting knocked out. Let's do a straight up and down check. If it beats 10, then he manages to hold himself. He got an 11. So you punch him. His basically mouth side goes flying into the glass and shatters it, but he manages to stab his claws into either side of the window and hold himself there without going out. But you did do some damage to him. I'm going to action surge and punch him again. Okay. I'm dedicated to this.

I want this to happen real bad. It needs to happen. That is a 19. Okay. Yeah, that does it. and I guess you don't need to roll for distance. You roll damage, so go ahead and hit him. Okay.

Two. So that's another two. So altogether, I've hit him for eight damage. Okay. And punched him out a window. Okay. Same chance to resist. Wait a minute.

Why is he get a chance to resist Phantom Fiss? So if at any time you are being knocked off a ledge to your death or being knocked into, like, a hole or any situation where you are being killed with movement, you get a chance to, a reflex save to save yourself. The only other time you wouldn't do that is if you're like asleep or unconscious or something. But that time I only rolled a seven. So you, he is latched on to this window. You run out to him one more time and do like a jumping punch attack and his claws,

his claw knees buckle, and he gets pushed out the window. You are on the inside of the tunnel, so he gets scraped up against the side of the tunnel and train, and you see him move down the length of the train as it passes through this tunnel, and he's just sort of getting gnashed up. He's not outside of the car for very long when you see another burst of flame, and he sort of rocket propels himself back into the train about two calls down. Now, hold on.

Now! But because he just got straight up grinded down the length of the train, we'll say he took 2D12 damage from that. Wow. That's a 10 and 11. Wowzers. And I hit him for 8.

21. Yep. So he's taking 29 points of damage. Yeah, and he is bloody, and he is further down the train, and that was pretty fucking radical. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Welcome to Oh, No, Ross and Carrie.

Ross. Hi, Carrie. What do you think is creepier? Okay. You jump into a swimming pool. All of a sudden, the water goes away, and instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors. Or our show. That's pretty tough because we visited a live exorcism.

We joined the Ordo Templi Orientus, where we had to worship a naked lady. Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult. They were scary. Super creepy. We joined the Etheree Society. We tried penis enlargement, or at least I did. Oh, boy, I tried breast enlargement. We have basically done every creepy, weird fringe thing except for thousands more,

which we will get to if you listen to our show. I'd still say the swimming pool of my ancestors' bones. Well, and I don't even know if people would listen. I guess they shouldn't. But if you want to, we're at maximum fun, and this show is called I Know Ross and Carrie.