The Adventure Zone - Ep. 15. Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Six

Episode Date: May 21, 2015

In this penultimate chapter in the Rockport Limited murder fiasco, our players deduce the true culprit of the titular heinous crime. Merle runs out of magic. Taako finds more creative applications for Levitation. Magnus gets some fresh air. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. If the object of value that the three of you are trying to claim is somewhere on this train, then I have reason to believe that the Rockport Slayer is somewhere on the train too. You see a shadow through the frosted glass of the sleeper car breeze past. You see a large pool of blood on the outside of the closed door. This body is wearing robes. It has been beheaded. Both of its hands are missing.

It has a shimmering rainbow. No! No, we definitely appreciate it while he was alive. The cut through the neck is very clean. You hear a deafening roar come from that room. The last time I saw Jenkins was just a few minutes before I found him. He came up and did a drink service up here. You hear the engineer's voice come from a small cone above the.

the door. Jenkins was a dedicated employee of the... Now he's just a dead employee. I pick up the nodule. It's a little sticky. I put it in my ear. I love you too, Scuttle, buddy. Put on your thinking cats down the shoes.

It's time to solve a murder in the Adventure Zone. The three of you are stacked up, SWAT team style, on the door to the cargo. car. Wait, like on each other's shoulders? No, I mean, there's no like, you're not seeking into an R-rated movie. You're about to, you're about to slice. A little rascaling it? No, you're about to slice the pie with Angus, who has his hand crossbow out. He's got his backup to the wall against the door with a hand on the door, ready to go in.

Before you all can breach, Angus turns to the three of you and says, now listen, if we find the culprit in this room. You have to promise me that you'll help me apprehend him. Don't kill him or her. Whoever it is. Ooh, that's a big ask. We really want to kill him.

We only know like two things. Jumping away from fire and killing are the only two things we're really good at. We don't have your weapons though, so it would come to other fisticuffs. Oh. Be you a man to death of your bare hand. I've found that not killing is pretty

easy. I go long stretch long periods of time without killing anybody. Keeping the demons at bay. Hey listen, we all have droughts, kid. Don't feel bad. He says, okay. Cold streaks. Breaching in three, two, one.

Wait. Wait. Yep. Angus. Yeah. Check your book. Okay. He pulls out the book of interception that he used to discover your true identities and cracks it open. Says, what am I looking for? here. Is there anything since just before we heard the screen that alerted us to the Jenkins

murder or anything after any information we should have before we move forward? He flips through the book really quickly. This is not a great time for it. We're about to do some action-packed swat shit, but no, I don't, I don't see any messages in here. He says, can I breach? Can I breach? Can I breach, please? Are you all trained for SWAT hand signals? And you know about slicing the pie? Yes. Okay. Yeah.

I've had pie. Three, two, one breach. And he, uh, slides the door open. Can you paint a word picture of how awesome it looks as we breach through? Yeah, you all, the four of you, uh, slice the pie in, uh, opposing diagonals into the room, uh, Angus with his weapon drawn, tacos got his umbrella, which is a little bit less imposing, uh, Merlin Magnus, you are unarmed. Uh, but you move into the room.

A flock of dugs, doves flying. A flock of dugs, not dugs. Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug. A flock of dugs fly in behind you and then vanish. And it's totally sick. The only problem is that there is nobody in the cargo car. It's completely... Except a bunch of dogs now.

There's a few dugs. No, there are no dugs. The only thing in the cargo car is the cryptsafe, which is firmly built into the floor of the room. Now, the three of you, as you move into the room, actually feel nauseous for a brief moment, but that quickly subsides. And one other curious thing happens as you move into the room. Merle, you up to this point, have been able to sort of overhear the awkward, forced conversation happening between Jess and Graham in the passenger car in the front of the train, thanks to your your scuttle buddy earpiece.

As soon as you move into this room, that earpiece just shorts out. You are not hearing anything anymore as soon as you move into the room. And Angus starts overturning the room looking for clues. Yes, Justin. Can I roll a perception check to see if I notice anything awry about the safe? Yeah, you're doing an investigation check on the safe to see if anything's wrong with it. Yeah. I got a 19 plus

Zero so yeah just a 19 No the the crib safe seems totally intact there's It doesn't seem like it has been Breached or assaulted in any way It's locked still still locked up yeah Did we try the handle? Because sometimes you like assume it's locked And then you like try the handle and it opens you're like

Yeah and sometimes the cryptsafe does the thing where it unlocks the cryptsaf right When you try to pop that handle open and it's like God Just wait for a second. Well, I'll go in the new go. Like jiggling the toilet handle. Just like jiggling the toilet handle. And sometimes you poop on the cryptsafe. Griffin, can I roll to see if I figure out what's going on?

Yeah, what role would that be? I have a plus eight to figuring shit out. Okay. It was only a seven. So that's only a 15. No, you have no idea. Use your brain, not your dice. But...

So that's not how D&D works. I was actually thinking about that this past week. if I was because I'm I'm cosplaying Taco currently Are you are you wearing a robe I'm currently cosplaying

Taco is a stupid man That may change He's kind of been going back and forth But does it Like D&D Like meta D&D Like Should I be able to figure

Like is that fair If I figure something out Because that doesn't necessarily Make sense in the world You know what I'm saying I've always pictured Taco is more aloof than ignorant.

He knows more than he lets on. Yeah, but you're not answering the essential question here. If any of you can crack this open, don't fucking sit on the answer. What? If you know the answer. No, I don't, I don't think I can crack it open. He's trying to ask if Justin can figure it out. I'm not saying like...

Yeah, if Justin figures it out, let it rip, baby. A single intelligence point orc. Like, should he be able to figure... Like, does it make sense? if I were to figure something out like for that orc to be able to guess it in D&D like does that make sense? Well you'd have to make like 19 wrong guesses first.

Shouldn't I be rolling to see if I figure it out? Is what I'm saying? No. Okay. We're just talking. This is just friends talking right now. This is interesting. You know, this this counters sort of what I was thinking

because, you know, Jenkins's hands were missing, right? And what I was thinking was that The rule of the safe is that you have to have the employee of the Rockport Express have to have their hands on the safe for an hour. And his hands were missing. So what I had thought was maybe someone had taken his hand so they could put them on the safe. But there are no hands on the safe. Angus looks up from, he's dusting for prints on the safe. And he looks up at, you know, he says, yes, I had the same suspicion a while ago.

Of the effect of a really long... Way to catch up. Like basically from the start, I had that suspicion. Yeah, yeah, right. The only issue is that it's not just any employee. It has to be the engineer of the train who's locked away in the engine car. How do you open the engine car? You don't.

The engineer is the only one that can get in there. Unless you have the wand. Unless you have the wand, Jenkins's wand, right? Jenkins's wand would let you go into any area. So that would be the only way, if it was your play. chamber. You're throwing a lot of spaghetti at the wall. I think there's...

Oh, sorry, we're trying to just like piece this out, right? He said, I noticed something very suspicious about this room. And I'm wondering if you can help me confirm my suspicion. Is this the point when the lightning flashes and when the lights come back up? He's got like an arrow in his heart. I know who the killer is. Can one of you try and open the rear door, the caboose door for the train, please? I will go in the caboose.

I already do it. I'm doing it right now. Okay. You are trying to open up the very rear door of the train, which just leads out of the train. I do it. It does not. I'm pretty sure I imagined it popping open. It does not.

In fact, it seems like it has been fused shut somehow. I want to roll the punch open the door. Okay. Yeah, my whole day is about the door now. Okay, 19. So that's a 23 versus the door. You punch this very, very, very sturdy iron door, and it does nothing. It doesn't even make a sound.

I do one D4 plus push. You don't do any damage. But it says I push it, and I want to push it back and open it. It pushes you back. In my country. If it's fused, then we can't unlock it. Well, thank you, Dad. Yes.

But I wanted to punch a door. I got angry. I know. I know. I know. Can I... I want to cast detect magic. Okay.

You cast detect magic and... Dingle, dingle, dingle, dingle... Your... Normally when you cast this spell, you can get sort of an idea of the magical items in the room. You can see sort of faint, glowing traces around the magical items in the room. You cast this spell and your vision just goes white. just goes blinding white as if like everything is glowing

everything around you is glowing bad news compadres this place is magic as hell you're also picking up faint hints of the only spell that you can sort of detect is the spell ghost sound which can sort of produce a sound

if to anybody who is nearby the sound is of the castors choosing can we Can we see anything out the windows of the train? There's no windows. I'd like to cast locate object. Okay. On what?

The magic wand of the transporting closet. Okay, interesting. And then if it's within a thousand feet of me, if it's in motion, I'll know the direction of the motion. Okay. This, the rod that opens up the ports. or the pleasure chambers that you are trying to detect, you can't pick it up, meaning it is not within 1,000 feet of you.

Okay, I have a theory. This is Travis, not Magnus. I think the ghost sound that we're hearing is the sound, like, to make it seem like the train is moving. And where we are, we've been transported to a fake location that is not the actual crypt safe on the train. Angus says, if that's correct, then this is a very unsafe room for us to be in. And I recommend that we move back to the dining car.

I agree. Let's do that. So, Taco, usually, when we retreat, you lead the force. I'm out. Peace, peace and carrots, you guys, am out. I'm already out. Look at me. I'm down.

I'm already there. The back of the back of the other car. I'm God. I'm gone, though. The four of you are in the dining car now. Angus has summoned Jess and Graham to the dining car to fucking crack this thing wide open. That's what he says. It's time to fucking crack this thing wide open.

When we went back through that door, did we get a sense of nausea again? You did. Yeah. As you cross through the threshold of the door, you very briefly feel dizzy and nauseous. But then as you spend more time on that side of the door, it subsides and you're fine. And when we look back through the open door, we see the crypt and everything else? Yep. You see the room you were just in.

Okay. So you move into the dining car. And Angus begins his speech. He actually turns to you guys and says, do you guys? Do you guys want to take a stab at this first? I've done this a lot. And it's really exhilarating. And I'd love for one of you to share this, you know, parlor scene experience if we have any takers.

Okay. So let me think. I mean, I've already gotten everybody sort of like horny for the solution. Well, yes. Thank you. Peaking back off. That's the secret. Peking back off.

So obviously somebody has used the transportation closet. to take the magic wand somewhere. Because if it's not within a thousand, no, somebody has used the wand. We were somewhere. Somebody has used the wand on the door to that crypt so that we can't actually access the actual room where the crypt is because they are using Jenkins' hands on the crypt.

But now we can't access the actual crypt. Instead, when we walk through the door, we're in a like kind of Ocean's 11 fake vault location. Angus says, that's exactly right. It would confirm my suspicion. Watch this. He walks right back into the cargo car with the Crip Safe. And there's a small scrap of paper, a ticket stub lying on the floor. And he crinkles it up into a ball and throws it at the door.

And it seems to just sort of hit an invisible barrier at the door frame and fall to the ground. And he walks back through and says, you can't take an item from one of those pleasures. rooms out of the pleasure room. So that room is almost certainly a fake. Good, detective work. Whatever your name is. It's Magnus, but that's not important right now. So whoever...

It usually is. Angus says, let's talk about the murder itself. I want to hear what you guys found about the method of the murder. How this murder was executed. What was the cause of death for Jenkins? Um, beheading? Be handing? Yeah, that...

Be burning? No, the beheading. I mean, that's, that one's pretty obvious. If you guys are having trouble, a thing can't live without a head. You guys are like keyed into that. Listen, we didn't get CSI out on it. We weren't able to check levidity in time of death and shit. We saw that he didn't have a head and there was blood everywhere.

That's the best we can do. Uh, what, did you notice anything else strange about the scene of the crime? His hands were cut off and it was two different cuts. Yes, exactly. What could have possibly... Let's identify, first of all, what could have possibly caused the killing blow? What could have possibly beheaded? It was just as beheading axe.

Well... No. The crab thing. You said it was completely clean? It was a totally clean cut, which would... Is it possible that using that transportation magic, the body was transported differently from the head? I think you're close. It couldn't have been the act.

Because the axe is soulbound to Jess, and Jess has an alibi because she was in the room with Graham. Also, a weapon of that size would have made a tremendous noise, and it would have alerted everybody on the train that the murder was taking place. If the head was in the pleasure room or in an alternate room and then the magic was shut off, would that have done it? I think that's exactly it. And we have a clue that can confirm that. Remember, when we first came to the scene of the crime, there was blood on the outside of the door as well, which makes me think that they turned up a port in that door, stuck poor Jenkins head through, and then shut off the port.

And because the door would have still been open, that would explain the blood on the other side of the door. That's why you can't find the head. There is no sign of a struggle or sound of a struggle in that room, which makes it simple to deduce that the victim was asleep when they were killed. But why the hands? That's the problem I keep coming up. for the safe.

I think that's entirely possible, although, again, Jenkins' hands wouldn't open the safe. It wasn't Jenkins' hands. What are you saying? I'm so... Oh, my God. It was the engineer. What about... Okay, but wait.

Jenkins is the assassin. Jenkins killed the... Okay, listen. Okay. Listen. I have a moment of lucidity, and I don't want to waste it. Jenkins... Jenkins killed the engineer, took the head so the body couldn't be identified, switched clothes with him, took the hands off the body, swapped his clothes, swapped the body with his clothes, and then opened the pleasure chamber into the engineer's room so he could kill him there.

Right? So that's how he got in the engineer's room with his wand, with his magical closet. And then burn up the body. to prevent further investigation. I think you're close. I think that definitely he destroyed the body with the fiery crab to keep us from figuring out

that it wasn't Jenkins. I think a much simpler solution. By the way, classic Jenkins to use a crap that says to use a spell slot. Just burn one spell slot, Jingle. If we're 100% accurate on this, I think we need to be a lot more respectful of Jenkins' magical potents.

I will soon or die. I think a much easier method for him to access the engine car is when he took a drink service in there. Oh, well, I liked mine better, but that's fine. I'm glad you're contributing, Angus. I'm also glad the engineer is drinking. He's still in there, because when we talked to the engineer, the engineer answered. The engineer answered through the audio device above the door, which could have easily just been ghost-trained. It could go sound.

It could be any number of schools. So where is Jenkins now? This is a very curious, curious question. Remember when we were talking in my sleeper car about, and I revealed my true identity and you guys revealed your true identities? Yeah, we all grew closer as friends. And Jess says, what are you talking about? And I guess says, oh, I'm the world's greatest detective. Anyway, you remember, before the murder, before any of this even happened, we were in a

by the sound of somebody moving past the sleeper car towards the back of the car. If Jess and Graham were in the front of the car, the engineer was already dead. Who was... He had a name, and it was Hudson. Hudson. Remember all those great Hudson Hawk? Remember all those great Hudson Hawk goose? I'll never forget them.

If Hudson was already killed and Jess and Graham were in the front of the car and the four of us were in my sleeper car, who was that moving towards the back of the car? car, and where are they? Is it Jenkins? Yeah, I mean, yes. So Jenkins is in the actual final car. Jenkins is in the real, with the real crypt. All right.

I point at Jess, and I say, summon that soulbound axe. We're going to hack our way through a wall. She says, I'm not going to break my axe trying to chop through a train. It's a soulbound magical axe, you coward. Yeah, but soulbound shit. can like break and then I'll have this shitty soulbound shit can break. I'll have this shitty, I'll have this shitty broken

axe soulbound to me and I know the D's soul binding procedure is really painful so I'm not not going to go through that. So he went in the engineer's car for drink service kill the engineer. Use the wand to open up a port from the engineer's

car to the safe room, right? To the crypt. No, use it to open it up to the dining car thing so he could decapitate the body and do all that stuff. What I'm finding curious, Angus says, is why he didn't just kill the engineer in the engine car, cut off his hands in the engine car, and take his hands to the crib, to the cargo car, before he had to alleviate suspicion from Jenkins.

I think that's right. He had to, whenever this job is done, he doesn't want anybody looking for him. And it's a lot easier to escape and start a new life as a corpse than as a criminal. Well, it's hard to start a new life as a corpse. I think. Because you're dead. I have a theory. You can't get around.

You can't get out a lot. That hadn't stopped eye zombie. I have a theory. I have a theory for how the corpse found its way into the space between the passenger and the sleeper cars. Well, somebody probably held it because it's a corpse. I was just saying, like, when you're a corpse, you can't. Let's hear your theory, little man. Does anybody else want to take a stab at it?

Oh, boy, we've had such a good hit rate so far. Maybe the weird crab carried it on its back. It was on the drink cart. In the drink cart, Angus says. Eureka. Shut up. You already do that answer, Angus. I don't need your pity.

No, I'm just, I'm very proud of the three of you. You've been much more competent than anybody on earth would have ever thought. Well, we didn't get to know us. Yeah, we blew up a whole city once. When I'm, uh, he, uh, he walks over to the three of you and starts whispering. What I don't understand is if Jenkins was also the killer of Lehman Kessler, how does he know about this item that I can't hear? And apparently nobody seems to know about except the three of you. Is he a member of the Bureau of Balance?

Is he a, you just stack out. That's not for you. Okay. I'm, I'm asking like a compatriots. well um could we uh could we use the the oh oh you know who we need push a button you're on a train underground there's no response she can find us she's what she's gonna do that magic griffin how do dragons exist just make it happen dm uh no it does not happen you guys are on your own no no deus ex machina he's got to be a man he's got to be a member

the bureau. It's the only thing that makes sense. Angus says, the really tricky part is how we're going to be able to get to Jenkins before we arrive in Neverwinter. He points at Graham. Graham, how long do we have until we arrive? And Graham pulls out a stopwatch from his pocket watch, or a pocket watch.

Not a stuff. His juicy robe. He reaches into his juicy robe and pulls out a pocket watch and pops it open and looks at it. And he says, about 25 minutes And Angus says We don't have very long About 25 minutes Yeah we just heard him

Okay I would like to May I cast locate object again Yeah I cast locate object again On the same rod Yep This time you get a ping

Towards the back of the train In the cargo car So it confirms I have a question for Boy Detective. Yeah, shoot. So the rule of you can't bring items

back from the pleasure chamber. Yeah. What happens if we could successfully bring an item back? You can't. Would it disrupt the magic? It wouldn't do anything to the magic. It just wouldn't go through.

How do we disrupt the magic? Either by stopping the caster from channeling the spell or destroying the item that's channeling the spell. killing. Well, but we got to get to him first. Oh, yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are there windows on the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the car. Son of a big. Is the wall punchable? Are there windows on the car next to it? Uh, there's a door, uh, before the dining car. Yes, but you were saying there's a door at the back of the cargo car. And in the fake train.

it's fused shut. Right. I suspect that's because pleasure chambers can only have one entrance. So if we were able to get around to that door from the outside of the car, how sturdy are the walls of the train? It's a train, so pretty sturdy.

Fairly sturdy, right? I would say they're about, in terms of sturdiness, they're about a train level, which is to say pretty sturdy. in a locomotive sense. Here's what I'm, here's what I'm, here's my, let me put forth the theory I'm thinking about. What if we were to go back into the dining car,

put Mag, I cast Levitate on Magnus, put him out a window, and he goes and knocks out the side of the cargo car. Or the door. Or all the way to the back and come through the, or go through the back of the caboose. Either way, if I levitate him, put him out the bargo car,

back of the train, then he could get around to the back or the side if I look for another way in. And then he'd have to take down Jenkins on his own? That seems pretty dangerous. Well, no, all he has to do really is distract Jenkins long enough to bring down the port. We have the far stone, right? So we can use the stone to keep in contact. And as soon as he brings the port down, we can go in and take Jenkins to Browntown. Here's what we're going to do. And here's the good news. The best news is there's no way he's going to use any spells on us. We know how finicky is about conserving his sloths.

Again, I have to stress this. I think his incompetence may have been a ruse. And if you try to step to him, you may get got. Hey, Angus, you're the world's smartest kid. Have you ever heard of a man named Magic Brian? You just staticked out for me. Exactly. Let me make one addendum to your plan here, Taco.

Okay. Cass levitate specifically on my magic jumping boots. So that way I'm not at like the mercy of being levitated and moving around. Oh, I love it. It's delectable. Let's do it. Magnus is so on board with this plan. Okay.

And that was Magnus speaking. That was not Travis speaking. That was Magnus speaking in third person. Oh, God, I get character voices. Magnus is on board with this plan. That don't sound like death and sadness. Mixed together in a pudding. I think maybe Magnus has a Spanish accent.

Oh, God, no, he doesn't. Oh, good. Good. Excellent. And I think I've been doing it up to this point. Yeah, it's been flawless. Thank you. Before we do this plan,

okay, how many spill sauce do you have, Old Bean? of your, you've already burned two on locate object. Have you not, what about your zones of truth? That was last adventure. No, man, you're not arrested. I think you are fresh out of magic, my dude. You're magiced out. I'm sorry I have to do the DM for you.

Plus, we've talked about this plan eight ways to Sunday. Let's just do it. Let's just get, get busy. Get busy living or get busy. You will die. You're gonna die. Hey, everybody, it's your dungeon master and your best friend, Griffin Macroy.

Thank you all for listening to episode 15 of the Adventure Zone. I hope you enjoyed the unraveling of the mystery. I saw a bunch of folks online, get some of the parts of it, right? I don't know that I ever saw anybody completely nail it. I guess it was a little bit convoluted looking back on it, but aren't all the best mysteries almost completely incomprehensible? No. Thank you all for listening to and sharing the Adventure Zone.

Remember, whenever we start a new chapter and introduce some new characters into the story, we pull from Twitter mentions using the hashtag the Zonecast to pick up on some names like Jenkins and Angus McDonald and all kinds of folks. Those are all named after people on Twitter. Just use the hashtag the Zonecast and talk about the show and you may end up in the game. I have a personal message here for Ben and it's from Grace. And Grace says to Ben, happy anniversary, sweet man. Or maybe I put the emphasis on the wrong word there. Let me try again. Happy anniversary, sweet man. That didn't make sense. Thank you for putting up with my lack of competition and strategy games, inability to understand song lyrics, and impromptu dance parties.

I'm looking forward to what the next few years will bring. My wheat is your wheat. That's very sweet. I don't know if that's a Caton reference at the end. We've been talking about doing an all-Kat-on podcast where instead of playing Dungeons and Dragons, it's just Catan. So every episode's going to be really, really similar. A lot of sheep slinging.

But happy anniversary, you sweet, sweet man. If you haven't already listened to the other shows on the Maximum Fun Network, you should go give them a swing. Go give them a try. I guarantee you will find at least six shows on the network that you really enjoy. Maybe it's going to be rendered. Maybe it's going to be stop podcasting yourself. Maybe it's going to be Judge John Hodgman.

Maybe it's going to be throwing shade. I don't know. I don't live in your brain and I don't know your comedy preferences. But go to maximum fun.org and just have a poke around. It's all free and you're going to love it. That's all the advertisements I have for this week. Thank you all for listening to this week's episode. episode. Let's get back into it for the second half of this episode, which I will title the part with the idiotic train stunt.

The next episode is going to go up on June 4th. We already recorded it, and it turned out pretty great. I'm really excited about that one. So June 4th will be the next one. So I will see all then. You are all gathered around the table in the dining car where Graham has unfurled a map of the train route. I thought you're going to say of the train, and it was just a straight line. and he has pointed out one part of the route, and he says, Shouldn't there be some really cool music playing in the back? Like the oceans, love, and they're... There's a brief gap between the teeth where we will have... They call it the Letterman gap.

He says, yes, it goes over... It's a suspended rail line over a lush basin over... over it called Letterman's Basin. And at the speed that the train's moving now, you'll have about 90 seconds exposed. Okay. Where we won't be inside the mountain, and that's going to be your best opportunity to get around.

You'll have to move around two cars. You'll have to move around the dining car and get to the back of the cargo car. If you want to pull this off, he says, are you sure you want to go solo on this journey? Yeah. By any chance, is Magnus a Chinese acrobat? Let me look.

Let me look at my character sheet. Oh, look. Says it right there. A Chinese acrobat with a perfect Spanish accent. Sure enough. He's the great... All right. I'm ready to go.

Fire can do us, my friends. He's a great American melting pot. Graham hands you a small bean. Is it a magic bean? Are you surprised? Graham says, When I heard you talking about your plan, I thought that maybe I could help out by alchemizing this delicious bean for you.

If you pop this into your mouth, you'll become extremely heavy. So don't use it if you're on the side of the train, but if it looks like you're, you know, something's bad about to happen. You're about to go flying off the train. If you take this, you might be able to sort of drop yourself back onto it. But just hold on to it. Okay. Graham, master of foreshadowing.

and he pops open the dining car door and it's pitch black you're still inside the mountain Graham says we'll be outside in 10 seconds do you have anything you want to say to your teammates any last words Don't touch my stuff

I need to cast levitate Your shit isn't levitating yet Okay yeah and I need to cast jack shit Yeah that's You're right. Stop zone-truthing, everybody. Have a little bit of faith in humanity. Are you braced there, Mario?

You ready to go? Yes. All right, boy, who can fly. And you're levitated. Okay. I was waiting for a sound effect. Yeah, there is no sound effect for levitate. That's just whistling.

I don't know. There is no sound effect for levitation. Everybody is the first thing you learn in wizards. Okay. Just doing weird 1940s fully work for like a tornado or something. Magnus, you are suddenly, you have this weird sort of sensation. It takes you a while to sort of get used to staying upright with just your boots levitating and nothing else going. But you're kind of Marty McFly in Back to the Future Part 2.

Yes, I am, Griffin. Just sort of hovering off the ground, just sort of waving your arms in the air to try and stay upright. And as you were figuring out this balancing act, all of you are blinded as the train exits the mountain and you see a rickety sort of suspended rail bridge underneath you and then about 150 feet below you see a lush forested area and Graham says go I get real caught up by the view and spend about two minutes looking at it. Okay, you're back inside the mountain. Oh, no! No, I go out the window. Okay, you go, well, it's a door.

I go out the door. Okay, Graham clicks down a button on his pocket watch and yells, go. So what are you doing? Explain to me what you're doing. That's such a good question. Could you describe to me what I'm looking at first? This is in zero time. This is like bullet time.

Okay, you're in bullet time. There's two train cars, so you have to get past. the dining car and the cargo car. That's what you are looking at. The dining car has a few small windows on it that maybe you could use as hand grips. Yeah. But if you are looking for me to tell you how you are about to pull off this incredible acrobatic feet, that's not my job. I just created the situation.

Well, I have one risky. idea. And that is, I don't have to do anything but let go and then grab on again. Because the train's moving. It's just a matter of timing that if I can grab, you know, the back of the train, then I don't have to do shit. But that would require probably an immense dexterity role. Yeah.

And if you fail this, I'll kill you. You will not hesitate. Listen, maybe risk and reward. If you do it, it'll be fucking rad. If you don't do it, you'll die, and you'll have to start a new character. I'm going to, can I retcon that I've tied my rope off to something in the car? What have you tied it off to? I don't know.

One of the tables in the dining car? Okay. Well, we could hold the other end of the rope. I don't trust you fuckers. It seems like a lot of work. What if I get bored? See? All right.

So you've tied a row. rope to what? One of the tables in the dining car. Okay, and you've secured it around your waist? No, I'm just holding onto it. Like, I'm repelling down the side of the train. I'm going to slack in my grip a little bit to slide down the rope. Okay, I see.

So the rope is sort of like a... Just like sideways repelling. Like a streamer coming off the train, going behind it, and you are just sort of slowly scooching your way down it. Correct. Okay, so you are sideways repelling down the link. of the train. Moving down past the dining car, the cargo car that you are now next to is kind of almost

perfectly smooth like a bullet. Perfectly smooth, like a butt. You are successfully navigating the length of the train. And you make it past the cargo car to the caboose door. There's like a small platform at the back of the door. with a small step going up to it off the back of the car. Mm-hmm. And standing on that platform is a giant brute of a monster.

Excellent. Skinless, made of meat. He is gargantuan, sort of the Hulk size. But he has a very, very small hand, very small left hand. That smells very bad, very, very stinky small left hand. And you stop to admire him as you are sideways, repelling down the side of the train. And as you say that, is that the conductor? This brutish monster rears back and punches you in the sternum.

Okay. Ow. He rolls a 21. Well, yeah, then. This is not going to be good. No, it's all right, yeah. And he hits you for 16 points of damage. Wow.

As he clocks you, you need to roll a dexterity saving throw to make sure you don't let go of the rope. Well, I don't. Would that? Just trust me, I don't. Wouldn't that be a strength roll? That is, I rolled a 19. A 19, okay. So you do manage to get, to stay holding on to.

to the rope, but this punch sort of just like, like you're on a tire swing. That's great. Pushes you backwards. Let me ask you this, Kirby. Yeah. How far are we away from re-entering the tunnel? You can yell to Graham to try and get an accident. I mean, I can't see it.

You're about, actually, as you get swung away from the train, you see that you are about one third of the way there. Okay. So like second wise, could you estimate? 60 seconds. Cool. Okay, well, so now I'm just kind of like flying off the train, right? Yeah, you are no longer, before the rope was sort of flush with the train's wall and you had sort of perfect control on it as you were repelling down.

Now you are just sort of holding on for dear life as this rope sort of swings around. You're no longer like level with the train. You're like a bit above it now. Perfect. Um, I'm going to wait 59 seconds. Okay. Listen, because this is going to be physics and it's awesome. As we go into the tunnel and the rope starts to compress back against the train,

just before it gets to me, I take the bean and basically become a wrecking ball and smash into the brute at the back of the train. Listen, don't give me the bean if you don't want me to use the bean. Okay. So you are holding onto the rope with one hand. Mm-hmm. So you are flying above the train. You are waiting. You have waited 59 seconds.

The train is started to move back into the tunnel. As the dining car moves into the train, it begins to pull the rope back in towards the train, and you pop this heaviness being in your mouth. Mm-hmm. Okay. And from your position above the train, you get super duper heavy and begin to fall directly behind the train. The rope catches on the roof, and you are going to make a, really cool acrobatics check

if you're going to do this thing because I should have just killed you on the side of a tunnel sweet 17 that's a 19 19 19 okay you come down on this thing

hard you managed to get him with like your curled up knees sort of Tony Jaws style which hits him for we'll say you came in pretty hard and you're really heavy, so we'll say 2D8 damage.

That's this one? That's 14. You knock this meat monster with the hand of the engineer through the door. You see him collide with Jenkins, who is bent over on the floor digging through items that he has apparently pulled off of the Crip Safe, which is pulled out of the Crip Safe, I should say, which has been popped open. and there you see another meat monster with another very small hand with his hand firmly planted on the crypt safe.

Can I see tree splitter? Rail splitter. Rail splitter. I call him tree splitter. It's my pet name for him. You do. You see it on the ground behind Jenkins on the ground close to

the front door. And through that front door, you can actually see your party in the dining car. Yeah, you knock this meat monster back into Jenkins, who is on the ground. He's holding a shitty metallic compass in his hand and sort of pouring over all of the items on the ground. When this meat monster collides with him, he falls over. The silver rod that he was using to channel the ports flies out of his grip. And Merle and Taco, you can see.

this scene now through the door of the cargo car. He looks up at you with a start, and he goes, what the fuck? And we're going to get into combat, but I'm going to give you a surprise round on him, since this was all very, very surprising. I want to spit out the bean and jump across the room. Okay. So that's why I'm going to be on the same side as my party and rail splitter.

Okay. You spit out the bean, making you float again with your magic jumping boots. position yourself against a wall and just like sort of... Just be clear. Like I spit it back in my hand. I didn't just like spit it out. Yeah, because maybe you want to be heavy again at some point. You just sort of missile launch yourself across the room.

And you're going to punch Jenkins or what are you doing? No, I just want to get my jump across the room, punch him. Or just give him the fingers. I fly by. Okay, you fly by the... As you float effortlessly through the room over the meat monster, you flip him the bird and now you're on the other end of the room. And that's going to do it for your surprise room.

We need to roll initiative. Five. I rolled a nine. 13. That's a good spread, guys. Now, Griffin, my question is, are Jess and Graham and Angus backing us up? And will you be playing three MPCs versus three MPCs? Depends on how quickly you guys can all kill them. Okay.

First, in the order are the two meat monsters. monsters. Cool. Great. And the first one is the one that you need in the chest, who stands up and trudges his way over to where... Isn't standing up a move action, Griffin? No. It takes half your move.

Oh. Don't tell me the rules of dungeons and dragons, please. He stands up and trudges over to you and uses his big fist, not his little stinky fist. to just sort of overhead hammer strike you. And that's a 24. Jesus. Yeah, that's a hit. It's a solid hit.

And that is 13 points of damage. All right. I'm in a bad way. And the other one takes his tiny hand off of the Crip Safe, treaches towards you, and comes at you with sort of a chop from the side. Rules and 19. I mean, yeah, that hits.

That's 11 damage. Okay. On down to one. Okay, that's it for the meat monsters. Next in the order is Merle. Okay, so if he has one, I cannot cast Spare the Dying. That's a cantrip. Well, then I'm going to use my Warhammer on the...

You... Oh, okay, so many things. You don't have the Warhammer. You're not in the room. Yep, you're right. I will move forward into the car. Okay. And cast sacred flame on the wounded meat monster.

Okay. Yeah, go for it. Oh, I have to roll. He rolled an 11 against your spellcasting modifier, which is higher than that. One D8 radiant damage. Okay. Oh, man, you know, I really. wish that when I was getting punched a bunched a bunch, I remember that I had a bunch of skills

I could use to avoid taking damage. Oh, maybe next time. Punched a bunch. I like punched a bunch. Okay, so that's five. Okay. Plus one for the Holy Symbol, right? For the Extreme Team Bible?

Yes. And you're going to do bonus damage because these things are undead. Vulnerability to a damage type means damage of that type is doubled against it. So you blast this thing with radiant light. What does that even mean? You've destroyed it. Okay, good. That's, yeah, good, excellent. Yay me, win.

Next in the order is Magnus. Great. You are standing in this room. You got one meat monster left. Jenkins has stood up and rolled poorly on his initiative, so he hasn't taken any actions. he says, how did you, how, it's going to take me a while, get back into Jenkins. I was so excited when he died that I wouldn't have to do him anymore. And then he proved to be so popular.

I know. How could you, how could you have possibly seen through my, my perfect crime? Because you're not a very good wizard. I'm the best wizard. You're a wiener. I hate you all so. You're a wiener, James. I hate you all.

I hate you all so much. I'm going to call you Wankins from now on. My name is not Wankens. How about Dinkins? Dinkins. How about Dinkins? Dinkins. Dinkins.

I'm going to kill everyone on this tree, and then I'm going to bring you all back to life again, and then I'm going to kill you again. More like Junkins. This is... Yeah, but that would take another spell slot. Next to the order is Magnus. I want to pick up Braille Splitter. How do I do that? You do it?

Okay, I pick up Braille splitter. Okay. But bend from the knees. Ben from the knees, not from the waist. And I want to pop the beam back in my mouth. Okay, you pop the beam back in your mouth. You're very heavy. How close to mine to the meat monster?

He's right. He's right up on you. He just punched you. Great. I want to swing my axe at his head two-handed. Okay. That is 22. 22.

Okay. And that... Yes. Sufficient. 1D10 plus 6. This is a D10. That is a 10. 16 damage.

Okay. He is bloodied. And now I want to step backwards. But you're heavy. If you do that, you're going to take an opportunity attack. Well, I don't want that. No. Who would?

It's a big meat monster. But if I don't... get away from him. I'll die. No, I'll still step back. Okay. It is important to me to get away from him. I have one point of damage. Okay, you're going to take an opportunity attack. Are you ready for the opportunity attack? Let me brace myself.

Okay. Uh, 18. Oh, man, it just hits. Okay. It's going to be more than one. Well, that's a, that's a gar and goddamn tea. I think the real takeaway here Is this This step back has betrayed a real lack of faith

In my ability to kill that monster That's 10 points of damage Woof Okay hold on Hold on I guess when you fly solo That happens sometimes Maybe should have let your boy tackle

Yeah, maybe having a team is not That bad That's great coming from a cleric who expanded all of his Spell slots to heal me Doing weird shit earlier Oh, well, you're the dead guy. Here's a zone of truth. You're dead. So I'm going to use Perry, use reaction dice to reduce damage by the dice plus my dexterity.

Okay. That is eight plus my dexterity is ten. Your dexterity is ten? No, my dexterity is two, but plus my dexterity is ten. Okay. So do you get a counterattack? No, not with Perry. I only get that with repost when it's missed. Okay, he brings his meaty fist down on you and you effortlessly like the water move around it. And now you can move.

Okay, I'm going to get back with the rest of my party. Okay, you're back there. Next thing you order is Taco. I'm going to cast Ray of Frost. I know it's boring on the monster that's already taken some damage. Okay. You're still outside of the train in the space between cars Okay well I came I came within 30 feet of okay he was right by the door so you can you can shoot him through it

I'll just cast through it okay uh 22 uh yeah that's a hit nice okay and then it does six damage uh okay cool he is very very bad off uh next in the order is Jenkins who uh surveys the scene He drops this compass he was using and his silvery port rod thing. And he leverages his wand and points it at the meat monster. And he says, okay, I see I'm outnumbered and out-axed. I am a big enough man to admit defeat. here is the deal I will make everybody on this train. He says, this meat monster is equipped with one of Hudson's hands.

I grew this monster out of Hudson's hand. And if he is destroyed, like the other one you just killed, then the hand will be lost and we will have no way of getting back into the engine car. to slow down the train before it arrives in Neverwinter in. He looks at his pocket watch. Apparently everybody has those. He says in about 10 minutes. So everybody is going to back off and shut the door to this car.

Leave me to find my treasure. And we'll be able to stop this train in time. What do you say? Magnus turns to Taco and says, You think you could figure out that port wand thing? Absolutely. Probably. Okay, cool.

Probably. Good enough for me. We don't need a hand. Jenkins says, uh, no takers, huh? No, thanks, Papa. Go fuck yourself, Wankens. Go, yeah. What he said, but like, imagine me saying it too, but angrier.

Like simultaneously, like a Greek chorus. He says, uh, well, okay. Uh, and he points his one. at the meat monster and a bolt of fiery flame shoots out of it. And he rolled a two and misses the meat monster by a country mile. The worst. And with that, it's back to the top of the order, which is the meat monster, which trudges over to Jenkins, picks him up by the throat and throws him off.

the out of the open caboose door. And Jenkins rolls an eight on his dexterity saving throw. And you don't see a Jenkins anymore. He is gone. He has been deposited out of the back of the train. You hear him go, smell you later. I'll, uh, then I guess I'll cast sacred flame again at the meat monster. Okay.

Well, hold on. Wait a minute. Did we just lose the wand? No, he set it down. Okay, all right. The meat monster rolls a eight, which is not good enough. Yeah, six. Six, so that's 12.

Damage. He is reduced to ash as well, and he floats out the back of the open car door. Finally free to go to heaven. Well, no, meat monsters don't go to heaven. Wow, Griffin. All meat monsters go to heaven. That's my favorite Don Bluth movie. Yeah, monsters go to heaven.

That Bert Reynolds. And Don Bluth is my favorite arrested development character. Let's stop there. I'm that solid goof. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey, everyone. We're the Flop House, one of the newest additions to the Maximum Fun Podcasting Network.

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