The Adventure Zone - Ep. 16. Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Seven

Episode Date: June 4, 2015

In the final chapter in the Rockport Limited story arc, our heroes have little time to stop their runaway train from colliding with Neverwinter, potentially ruining some other group's D&D session. Magnus takes a tumble. Merle channels Gary Sinise. Taako does some pretty dope magical stuff. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. He takes this rod, he points it at the door frame, and it opens up to a greenhouse. It's the most gorgeous collection of plants that any of you have ever seen. Remember, don't leave anything behind, and you cannot take anything with you. Except memories. Jenkins killed the engineer, switched clothes with him, and then burn up the body to burn further investigate. Further investigation.

Jenkins, he's holding a shitty, metallic compass in his hand and sort of pouring over all of the items on the ground. This meat monster, if he is destroyed, like the other one you just killed, then the hand will be lost, and we will have no way of getting back into the engine car to slow down the train before it arrives in Neverwinter. Magnus turns to Taco and says, hey, do you think you could figure out that port wand thing? Absolutely. Absolutely. Probably.

Okay, cool. Probably. The meat monster trudges over to Jenkins and throws him out of the open caboose door. Smell you later. If our heroes can't stop this runaway train, then I'm going to have to find a new podcast to introduce. Is serial hiring?

It's the Adventure Zone. Jess and Angus and Graham all barge into the cargo car where you have just destroyed these meat monsters and one of the meat monsters just destroyed Jenkins and Jesse yells, let's get busy! And her axe appears in her hand. So she just appeared in the car? Yeah, they all came into the car.

And that's my entire plan for how we stop the train. They missed it. I guess they missed it, but it's really good. Can you start over from the beginning? Angus says. Well, why don't you tell you? us your plan and how it competes with his. Contrast and compare their board.

They don't want to hear my plan again. Angus leans over to you, Taco, and says, I think we should probably find that item you guys were looking for first before anybody else can get their hands on it. Okay. That was just not for you. That was in tacos here. But I guess I'll whisper to you too. I've been down and pick up the compass that he was using.

Okay. And I will cast an arcane knowledge check to see how much I know about the thing. Okay. Five. 14. Okay. Using your arcane knowledge, you pick up that this is not telling you sort of which direction you're facing. It's not a, it is not a traditional compass.

As you sort of move around with it around the room, though, the needle is moving. And it almost appears to be like a sort of a dousing rod, if you will. Right. Is there any arc—do I get anything from the arcade knowledge check that I couldn't have put together with context clues? My own damn self. No, you don't. And Angus says, what is that? What do you got there?

I think it's a compass but not pointing motion. I thought I'd know more about it, but I don't. And it's trying On the back is carved in Captain Jack Sparrow. What is it pointing towards? It's a dousing thing. A dousing rod.

Interesting. What if the killer was, the killer's victims were all extremely wealthy? What if that dowsing rod was able to point out like the most valuable thing? It would explain how we could find your object that nobody knew about because if it's as powerful as you say,

I imagine it's incredibly valuable. Well, that's a good point. Why don't we examine the stuff in the, I almost did do taco. What don't we examine this stuff in the cryptsave? Yeah, like, what do we see? You see everybody's weapons that have been pulled out and placed on the floor. Merle, you can collect your warhammer if you want.

Thanks. And your shield, if you want it, say that you're doing it. I can just assume that you have re-equipped yourself with all of the objects in the room. And then there are some other sort of... valuables laying around. There's a set of silverware, a fine silverware that has been splayed open, and some of the forks and knives are sort of laying all around the room. There is a briefcase that is locked up laying on the floor.

There's just sort of a bunch of valuable debris laying all around. It's a pretty big pile. It is all of the valuable cargo that everybody in the car was. bringing with them. And you have this compass that seems to be sort of reacting to something in the room. Could we not walk around the room

and be able to use that to triangulate? Because if it keeps pointing to that most valuable item and we walk around the room, eventually won't it lead us right to the item? Yeah, it sounds like good thinking. And I toss in the compass. Okay.

You tossing around the compass? Meanwhile, I'm keeping an eye on Jess and Graham and just kind of doing like, nothing to see here, folks, Nothing to see. Moving on back. Keep moving. Nothing to see here.

Okay. Yeah, Merle, the compass seems to be pointing you at something on the left side of the cargo car. There's a few items scattered around there. And as you move around, it seems to be pointing to a certain location. And as you look down at basically where the compass zeroes out, it's sort of spinning. you are standing directly over a small monocle with a silvery trim around it and a long silver chain. Because we do not know exactly what it is we were sent to recover. Also, be cautious.

I notice him doing this. Be careful because you remember the thrall that the previous item cast. And the big ass fire. Yeah. This conversation probably sounds crazy to the people. Probably. Don't forget about... What is going on over there?

We are rewarding faithful listeners. None to see here, folks. Nothing to see. Moving along now. Moving along. So yeah, you firmly believe that this monocle is the... At the very least, the most valuable item in the room. Is it powerful?

I guess I should be the one to try to pick it up, right? Because I resisted the thrall before. Yeah, sure It's solid Are our braces of no use In this instance? Yeah, can we like scan it or shoot a laser out of themselves? I don't know how to tell you guys this

Do we bring in kind of centrifuge? These braces are not fucking tricorders You're not going to set these motherfuckers to stun They have one thing that they do Remind me what that one thing is Just it summons the transport Cool If you do that now, you're just going to wait

a glass ball. It's going to crash into a mountain because you're in a mountain. Okay. So when I, when I poked it earlier, I wasted a glass ball. No, you didn't get any signal. Okay. Well, you know, you got to check it. No bars. No bars. Okay. I start reaching my hand towards it, but not touching, but just start reaching my hand towards it to see if I'm getting any vibes. Okay. As you begin to reach your hand towards it, you, you get a vibe. The monocle starts to sort of shake and rattle on the floor, and you hear a voice in your mind saying, Hey, hey, hey, buddy. Hey, you want to see some DVD movies?

Buddy, hey, buddy, put me on. I got all the latest releases. I've got, I've got Jack and Jill, too, starring Adam Sandler. It's too hot for TV. Hey, buddy, put me on. I can make anything, anything you can imagine turn real. Hey, buddy, come. Okay, I pick up the monocle.

Oh yeah, buddy, put me on, put me on. With the handle of my umbrella. Okay, you scoop it up with the handle of your umbrella. You're still going to make a will saving throw, but that's such a good idea. I'll give you advantage on it. So make a wisdom saving throw. And you're going to contest this thing's wisdom. Natural 20.

Natural 20. That's a three. Yeah, you beat the shit out of the thrall. Okay, you have resisted the thrall of this monocle. and you hear him go, oh, come on, oh, come on, buddy. Oh, buddy, come on, come on, buddy. Buddy, I can be anything in the world, anything, anything, what do you want? Just imagine it, and I can make it real, buddy.

Jokes on you. I can't think very much. He has no imagination. My friend. Okay, you have beaten the thrall of this thing. What are you going to do with it? I'm gonna throw it into my backpack, my satchel. Okay.

Maybe wrap it up in something first. No, toss it in loose into your... Toss this incredibly valuable, powerful item into your fucking Jan Sport. Put it in a headphones chamber. No, I can't, I can't, I don't want to touch it. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Okay, so you lower the, the thing into, the monocle into your bag and sort of, unscoup it from your umbrella handle and close it up, and you have contained another relic.

Kudos all around. Something weird happens as you were holding your umbrella. It also seems to almost like a dousing rod point towards the back of the chamber right near the caboose door. And there you see the Jenkins wand, not the port rod, but his wand he used for his magics. and the umbrella starts to almost like pull you, pull you towards it. And I eat the wand with my, the umbra staff. Yeah, the umbra staff deploys. It opens up like an umbrella and then it sort of turns inside out like an umbrella in the rain, in the wind.

And the wand flies into the mouth basically of your umbrella, which rattles and the sort of opens and closes like it's chew. it up and then when it closes again, the wand is gone. And you look down and your umbrella actually has a marking on the handle, like a sigil, that is actually in the shape of an umbrella on it. So your Umbra staff just ate the wand of this wizard that you have vested. Great. And what happens to my rail splitter? Griffin, something magical like that?

your rail splitter disintegrates oh no it turned to ash uh angus says i'm i'm really glad that uh everything's working out for you a wand got eaten by another staff

it was really cool and you you did a thing with a monocle and all that's great we solved this one guys but we're still hurtling towards our death but graham what are we uh what are we looking at now and graham says uh graham looks at his pocket watch and he says we've got about uh we got about about uh Nope, that's...

We've got about seven minutes before we arrive at NeverWinter, and if we don't start slowing down now, it's going to be real bad. No, you're part of like a hippie. Yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right, hold on. We've got about seven minutes before we arrive and NeverWinter. If we don't slow down now, it's going to be really bad. That's better. I think you have better motivation there, too.

That was good. Yeah, I felt the energy from that. Yeah, it was good. Let's do one more just in case, just as coverage. I have no voice, please. Let's just keep playing the game. Okay. Okay, so we've got to find the, yeah, give, I pick up the port one.

Okay. And I, let's do, let's do an arcane check on, well, I feel like I've already done an arcane check on the wand. Like, I know everything I'm going to know about the one. I'm not going to learn anything else from an arcane check, right? Yeah, certainly, certainly not in the next seven minutes. Is there a button on it? I focus on the, the engineer's, uh, room. Okay.

And point it to, well, hold on. Everybody out. Okay. And I, as people are leaving, I kind of hang back. And I'm like, okay, now everybody face the forward of the train and really focus on the engineer, what the engineer's room looks like. Are you using everybody else's imagination? Yeah, I need everybody to go into the adjacent car and just turn towards the engineer's car and really focus on it. Okay?

And then clap, if you believe in. Berries. Is everybody, is everybody, is everybody doing that? Everybody moves in there. So you've moved everybody into the dining car. Right. You're still in the cargo car. Right.

And then everybody faced towards the front of the train and really focus on it, okay? Okay. Okay. Now, while they're doing that, I scoop the remaining valuables into my back. Okay, you pick up a golden tiara. You pick up the silverware set. You pick up the briefcase. Nice.

Okay. Okay. Keep focusing. You're doing great. I leave and I go into the adjacent car with them and I focus on the engineer's room and I cast the the transportational magic on the on the door to the the car go to the cargo yeah okay uh you're gonna have to make it some sort of check yeah right I didn't think you'd be able to pull that one off I think so.

Considering I don't even know the word for what I'm doing. And I do it. Do a magic. I just did a magic here. And let me check my sheet here. Yeah, it says I have a plus five just doing it. Let's just do a spell casting modifier check. You're not casting a spell.

You're sort of channeling the spell that is imbued in this rod, which explains how you're like capable of doing it. But, but yeah, why don't you go ahead and. roll just an basic intellect check. Oh, intellect, okay. Two. Okay. My first try, fizzles. Yeah.

No, it doesn't fizzle, actually. You see a figure start to take shape through the cargo car door, and you can see into the engineer's car, but it kind of looks like a cartoon. Like, everything is, like, really squiggly. Oh, like the aha video. Yeah, like the aha video. And you have basically created the, AHA video, but it's in the engineer's car.

Okay, okay, I try again. Okay. Let me take another pass of this. This time for sure. Okay, but before you cast your second spell, through the windows of the dining car, light starts to pour in as you have moved out of another mountain. And Graham says, we're in the final stretch.

It got about four minutes before we hit, never winter. You got to do something quick. I got a 19. Okay. This time you do it, and the raw. A silvery web of light shoots out and fills the door. And you can see with perfect clarity the engineer's car. It's kind of disorienting because you're facing backwards,

but through the front windshield of the train, you see the train moving forwards. And yeah, you can see into the engineer's car. Okay. Let's go in there. We go in there. We all go in there. Okay.

We're in there. Does anybody, listen, does anybody know how to stop a train? I have vehicle proficiency. Graham says, uh... Of course you do. Graham says, uh, I've been training my entire life for this, so I could give it a shot. Wait, you've been training your entire life for this. To be a train engineer.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, remember in his backstory. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you've done this in like video games before. Yeah, basically. Well, dream vision fantasies.

Still don't want to acknowledge video games exist. Okay. Okay, go ahead. No, tell me about these video James. We're going to collide with Neverwinner in about three minutes, but tell me about video James. Should we? You know video James? Ladies love cool, video James. He says, everybody, hold on tight. and he grabs the brake lever of the train.

I pop the bean in my mouth. You pop the bean in your mouth. That thing's going to run out of magic pretty soon. You don't have an infinite heavy bean. Infinite bean. Infinite heavy bean. Griffin, he ain't heavy. He's your brother.

And he rears back full strength on the brake lever and it doesn't move. And Graham says, oh, shit, hold on. And he tries it again. Now, Griffin, just to clarify before we move forward, Graham's been training his whole life to pull a lever. There's not like an intricate button pushing process. He doesn't need to know how to work the computer. He's been training his whole life to pull a lever.

As the break refuses to move, Graham actually starts furiously punching buttons in the console and twisting knobs and moving other levers. And he looks over at a panel on the left side of the console and says, oh god no guys this one is also locked to the the engineer's handprint did did anybody save one of those meat monsters's hands no we burned them up pretty much yeah I thought they were disintegrated is what you said is it possible we can disconnect the locomotive from the rest of the train yeah but the locomotive's still going to hit neverwinter and it's going to cause a lot of damage have you met us Some other D&D game problem.

Yeah. Let them fix. Wait a minute. You have safely brought the princess back to her chambers and never winter after besting the 19 dragons of the horrid rim and oh fuck a train! Oh my God, no! A train just ran in. Oh, God, no.

Oh, Jesus. We'd be safe. I'm just living out my lifelong dream of reenacting the end of Silver Street. That's all I've ever wanted. Graham is punching in other buttons And Angus is, I'm too young to die Oh God, no, this is going to be terrible. What can we do?

Graham says, Graham says, we're not going to be able to stop this train. We have to destroy it somehow. Just give me a second to think. I say we disconnect the local, We blow up the locomotive and disconnect it. And we stay in the back part. We have no, like,

I don't know that we have anything with that much power. We need to access an area that has that much power. Nothing can come through the door, though, to port the locomotive to somewhere else. Okay. There's an intrigue gate into Neverwinter that you have to go through before you arrive at the platform. Wait a minute. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. Okay. Listen. This is stupid. Are you ready to do something really stupid? I'm willing to do anything. We have about two and a half minutes.

Again, have you just met us? I take the port one and I go into the engineer's car, okay? Okay. Okay. And is there access to the roof or to the front of it somewhere where I can go stand? Well, you wouldn't be able to because you were in the illusory. You are in the port version of the engine car. So you can't leave it except through any way that you went out.

Yeah. There are other ways out of the train, though. There's a door that you came through when you first boarded the train right in front of the passenger car, which is right behind the engine car. Okay. I'll go do that. Okay. And I just need to get outside. Okay.

Okay. You are, okay, so you have popped open the door that you boarded the train through in front, between sort of the engine car and the passenger car, between the first and second cars and the train. train and you have opened it and are hanging out. Okay. Where is everybody else? I'm assuming they've left the engine car. Because they'll be destroyed. It's kind of up to them.

Well, we're not sure what he's thinking about. Are you thinking about creating a port and having the train go through it, but in the opposite direction? What I'm thinking about is I'm going to use this wand to change the gate in a Neverwinter into a gate to Fandolin because it's the only place I know of that, that's completely empty and made of glass. Well, it would have to be, it would have to be a room with one entrance. But I like where your head's at a lot.

Open it to Jenkins Garden. Fuck that, dude. How big is Jenkins's garden? Big enough for a train to crash into, probably. How about Tombo Net's house? Sombo Network coming for you. Can we get both of them? Can I come for you?

No, that's good. I've seen Jenkins Garden. I've watched him open the door. I know how to do it. I can, I can, change the gate at the last second into a door into Jenkins garden. Okay. Okay.

Cast levitate on all of us. No, no, listen. We've got this. You just have to trust me. No, wait a minute. He's got a backpack full of stolen shit. You don't know that? Okay.

Done. Fuck it. You know what? I trust you, Taco. I lay my hand on his shoulder. I trust you. Oh, excellent. I lay my hand on his hip and say that's as high as I can reach.

And then you dip, he dip, we dip, we dip. These are all really great goose. We're going to hit the gate in one minute. Be cool, Angus, for one second. This is a team-building moment. What's the range of the port wand? You have no way of knowing that. Make us all lighter, anchor so we're floating out the back.

Wait, what? So tie it off to the Crip Safe, we go out the back door, so we're, like, separate from the train. But we don't, I don't have enough levitates to do that. I can't levitate all of us. Then levitate an object. You know what? Let's just jump. How about that?

Yeah. Let's just jump off a moving train. Yep. Yeah, I mean, this is not a suspended bridge. Yeah, it's a stupid garden. I'll follow some daffodils or something. Okay. So wait, you're going to wait until you're inside the garden to jump out?

No. No. Cast the portal. Jump out. As you lean out, you are overlooking just sort of a plain type area with some other tracks running through it. Sort of like a rail yard. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt. I'm not, yeah, I'm saying if you jumped out, you wouldn't fall 150 feet to your death.

Okay, great. Let how close way of the gate, though? I mean, you're 50 yards. Perfect. Okay. I mean, am I close enough that I could cast the speller? Do I need to wait longer? I mean, you give it the old college try. Oh, great. Okay.

I'll wait until everybody off. Everybody jump. I'll wait on 25 yards. Okay. Because I don't want to risk it. Angus says, are you sure about this? It seems like it's going to hurt a lot, sir. God, hit him.

I pushed Angus off the train. You're fine. Oh gosh. He falls under the wheels. Tom Bodette style! You got boded! You throw this canary in the mine shaft off the train. You see him roll a good distance.

And he sits up and gives you a thumbs up, but he's missing two teeth. Great. Okay. Can everybody else hop off? I jump, but I tuck and roll, so it's doing current no damage. Acrobatics check. I rolled up 45. Nope. It's not a number.

But no, that's not good. I'm going to die. You won't die, die, die. Won't I? I only have one hit point, Griffin. I mean, that's not death. I rolled a 12. Okay, yeah, that's going to hurt. It's two hit points, which in any other circumstances, I think, would be a really good number. You see Magnus go off the train. He does not sit up and give a thumbs up.

Next, who's jumping off? I'm not jumping off yet. Let Josh, let Jess and, uh, juicy jump off. Uh, Jess and, uh, just, uh, leaps off effortlessly. She actually, like, jumps off and then manages to, like, land on her feet running and just sort of stops moving. Perfect. Like a cat. Why didn't I do that?

Because she's way cooler than you are. Like, way, way, way cooler and just sort of way better at everything. Grim. Once you're off, do you have any magics that could tend to his wounds? I can give it a try. Great. That's good enough for me. Bye.

Okay. Well, I just want to say I'm really proud of you. Okay, good. And I just want you to know that... I've pushed him off the train, too. I just want you to know that I want to be like you someday. And he is now off the train. I think that's everyone. Well, Merlin,

are still. Okay. Yeah, you and Merle are still on the train. All right, let's jump because this looks, we're close. We're real close. All right. You're going to cast the thing? I probably need to jump and cast it afterwards so I can keep my concentration. Okay. Okay. It'll be really easy to concentrate when you're rolling across those railroad ties. No, I mean, I'll hop up at the last second. It's going to be sweet. That will be really cool. Well, let me get an acrobat. What is it? Do I need to do an acrobatics check or I'm like, nobody else did. Both of you are making acrobatics checks. Okay.

16 plus 2 18 14 minus 1 13 no no no I level that at that zero it's just 14 14 and what did you get Taco? 18 18

okay Merle takes a little bit of damage five damage but Taco you do not you are you land almost as gracefully as gesthood which is pretty impressive great and then I cast the I focus Jenkins's garden and I cast, I used the transport wand on the gate to never went out.

Okay. Seconds before, the train goes through the gate, you point the port wand at the gate and make a spellcasting check. 19 plus 5, 24. 24. Okay, you see in a flash the train platform of Neverwinter disappear, and in its place, you see, see a lush garden. The train goes into it. You hear a cacophonous smash as the glass container of the greenhouse comes smashing down.

You see greenery just sort of go flying, colliding with the back of the gate and just sort of stopping in midair and falling to the ground. And the train goes through. and as the container of the greenhouse is destroyed, the spell shuts off, and with a loud pop, the spell is interrupted, and the train has vanished.

Can I just say, you guys, way more successful than our last one? We didn't destroy a city or anything. The damn garden. Yeah, the garden is... Fuck, fuck Wankinsbara. I don't care about that, too. Oh, everybody, just remembered something

terrible. What's that? We forgot to get the valuables off before we did that out of the safe. And Merle and Magnus just kind of glare at Taco. Oh no. Angus says, oh no, I was transporting my grandpa's

favorite silverware. I was going to give it to him as a death day present. Oh, well. He'll be happy you're alive, Angus. That's present enough. No, he said specifically, bring me my silverware. I'd like to see it one more time on my deathbed.

Well, maybe you'll lucky and he'll be dead before you get there. You can only hope. Griffin, can you say something about how we solved your train mystery? Oh, I mean, you actually did solve my murder puzzle. You have literally for once solved

my puzzle of murder. You solved my train puzzle. Yeah. Hey, everyone. This is Griffin McElroy. You're a dungeon master and best friend. Thank you for listening to the Adventure Zone episode 16, which is the last part of our murder on the Rockport Limited Arc. I hope you enjoyed it.

I really, really liked doing a mystery for my family, and I was really proud of them for solving it, and then killing some people along the way and making treasured memories and friendships also along the way. We have some personal messages. If you want to send something into the ether for a loved one or for your small business, you can do that by going to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron.

This message is for Foley, and it's from Annie. And Annie says to Foley, Little Bear, the last eight years have been an amazing adventure. Thank you for marrying me, and here's to the rest of our lives together. I declare my love the best way I can, publicly through a mackerel. Yes, yes, allow me to be your vessel. Allow your love to live through me and sustain me. I have taken your love. Thank you, Annie, and Foley, y'all sound perfect for each other.

more personal message here in the old mail sack, and it's for Lizzie Lincoln, and it's from Mateo Irvin. That is a dope name. Sorry, Lizzie, your name's dope, too, but Mateo, come on. Dude sounds like he's channeling the most powerful spell. Mateo says to Lizzie, happy belated birthday, I am overjoyed to have you in my life. You are an amazing actress, a wonderful cook, and my best friend. You make me laugh more than anything in life, and seeing as how you first showed me the adventure zone, that makes you responsible for about 98% of my happiness. I can't wait to listen to this episode with you.

I love you. Oh my gosh. So much love in this episode. I'm drowning in it. I'm drowning in y'all's love. Happy belated birthday, Lizzie, and happy cool name, Mateo. If you haven't listened to the other shows on the Maximum Fun Network, I guarantee you're going to find something on there that you like

in addition to the Adventure Zone. All of us have other podcasts. Justin and Travis and I do a show called My Brother My Brother and Me, where we give out advice. Justin does a show with his wife, Sydney, called Sawbones, where they talk about medical history. Travis has a show with his buddy Andy called Bunker Buddies. Travis has another show that he just launched with his other friend Brent. It's not on the Max Fun Network, but it's really great. It's called Trends Like These.

I guarantee you're going to like that one. I've been listening to it, and it's super funny. But there's other shows on the network not hosted by Macroys, too, like Jordan and Jesse Go. throwing shade and rendered and so many other terrific programs. So go to maximum fun.org and go listen to some other free shows. They're free and they're great. Okay, that's it for the sales portion of this episode. Like I said, this is the last part of the Murder on the Rockport Limited arc.

So the next episode will probably be like an interlude where we do a little bit of character management, some shopping, some hanging out on the moon before we jump into the next campaign chapter. Thank you all so much for listening and for sharing the show. When we start the new arc, we'll have new characters, and we name those after people who tweet about the show using the zonecast hashtag. So tweet using hashtag the zone cast, and you might end up as a character in the next campaign chapter. Oh, and also, if you have a second, if you can go write a review and leave a rating for us on iTunes, that really, really helps us out a lot. Thank you all so much to the people who have already done that. It's been overwhelmingly

positive, and we love you so much. Okay, that's it. Let's get back to the episode. The next episode will go up, God willing, and the Creek don't rise on June 18th. So we will see you then. Is somebody going to keep Magnus from dying? That would be great. I asked Graham to check on him.

Don't we have healing potions? Graham runs over to him and says, yeah, this guy's like dying and I don't have any healing. I'm like a wizard. Do we put potions work on him if he's past that point? Yeah, sure. Okay. Well, what's your stabilized patient thing, dude, dad? Oh yeah

Can you use that? Yeah, you've been trying to use it all day Yeah, I can use it Well, I mean What kept me from doing it before? I wasn't actually Nobody was dead Yeah

He hadn't jumped out of a train bad yet Two points of damage isn't that bad I would challenge anyone to jump out of a train And that's like stubbing a toe But that had just happened to be enough That I died of toe stubbage Okay, spare the dying You touch a living creature

that has zero hit points, the creature becomes stable. Okay. You run back towards Magnus and touch him lovingly upon the hip. Can I do the brush and the lock of hair off his forehead thing? Yeah, you may. That's so sweet. Yeah, you do that. And he is stable, which means he's basically at zero hit points and he's not going to die.

But he does need to be, he does need to get some HPs back. So a healing potion would probably go down real smooth right now. Well, isn't there probably an inn or something that we could just walk? Yeah, sure. Let's just walk. Okay. Can that be better? We could carry him.

Yeah, let's carry him. Okay, I like that. I've got levitating boots. He's got levitating boots. Let's just carry him. Okay, so you put an arm around each of your guys' shoulders and carry him back in to the train platform. You've got Angus and Jess and Graham in tow. A little battered, little bruised, not Jess, because she did a great job.

But she's the best. She's just super, super good at fighting and acrobatics and stuff. But yeah, you walk into the station and standing on the platform are a bunch of very well-dressed people with luggage who are just looking at you mouth agape because they just watched a fucking train disappear. and the authorities run up, the Never Winter militia run up, and Angus produces a small badge from inside his jacket and goes, it's okay, they're with me, and goes and starts to talk to them. And the chaos of this scene eventually subsides a little bit. And you are inside the platform.

Jess turns you and goes, well, that was weird. There's a lot of static talk. Train disappeared. A lot of really weird stuff just happened. But I got to say, that was pretty exciting. I thought there was going to be a pretty boring hype tour. But you guys sure liven it up. So if you ever want to come to one of my matches, I can get you in for free on the house.

Just say the word. Quick question, Jess. Is that soulbound axe thing, something you can teach me? No, it's just, you got to find it. You got to love it. You got to nurture it. It's a relationship. Will you give it to him?

I can't. I thought that was going to be the next question. Yeah, okay. No, we tried that like two episodes ago. The problem is that it's probably going to be way too heavy for him to even hold. So, you know what, Jess? Thanks so much. We'll see you over there.

It was super nice to meet you guys. You can piss right off. Jess, could I ask you one favor? Yeah, hit me. When you tell people the story of what happened and they asked if I said anything cool when Jenkins got knocked off the train Can you tell them my smile and said No ticket?

Oh, that's good That's good, right? Tell them I said that Yeah When you tell the story, okay? And this technically came out Before Indiana Jones In like the timeline of this fantasy history

So I guess I made that up Yeah I invented that. Tell them I invented that If you go past like a trademark Place Just have them trademark trademark your dope catchphrase That good for us.

Are we in, is never winter in a world that exists like thousands of years before Indiana Jones? Like, are we, are we in the past? Are there dinosaurs? It's up to you, man. Yeah, just takes off. And Graham walks up to you guys and says, I've got to go write a report. This is going to be how I get my job for the Rockport Express. I'm going to tell them everything that happened.

And, yeah, I think this might be a way to get my foot in the day. door. One suggestion, Graham, don't bring up the whole destroying an entire train. Right. You may want to edit the story. You don't want to include that in your dissertation. I'll leave that part out. I'll say that you guys, using your wits, you guys are so great, managed to slow the train down. And they're, well, no, they're probably going to see pass that because there's no train. Like there's just, there's just no train anymore. There used to, there used to be, where there once was a train, there is now no train, is what I'm saying. Right, exactly. Anyway, super cool to meet you guys.

Can I get like your, uh, your, your contact information? Because I hug, I hug Graham and whisper in his ear. Let us be his two ships passing. I guess you're right. I guess the best friendships that you make in this world are the ones that just come to an end. Just come to an end. We'll always remember you till three episodes from now when we can't remember anything but juicy wizard. That's fine.

That's my name. And we'll always have Letterman's Gap. Do you guys know, by the way? The story of why my robes say juicy on the butt. Okay, time to go. It was a great story, but I guess you'll never know. Tell it to the bees. Tell it to the bees. Tell it to the bees. Okay. I'm going to go find some bees. Later, guys.

Check me on LinkedIn. I'll endorse you for train stuff. If you endorse me for magic stuff. That sounds very equitable. Bye. Bye. off into the crowd. And Angus walks away from the militia who have started to disperse off the platform, and he walks up to you and says, I got to say, you guys, I'm really proud of you. This was one of the toughest mysteries that I've ever solved by myself. Well, hey, hold on.

I'd say we solved this one together. Of course, yeah. No, it was a joint effort. I'd say we solved it alone without you. Well, that seems mean. I'm trying to, like, do a heartfelt goodbye. speech. But this is the moment when they carry Jenkins's body by on a gurney

and he pops up from under a sheet. And then fucking Reginald val Johnson shoots him. And then Reginald val Johnson is like no ticket. First off, that's a trademark violation. Second, it doesn't even make any sense. But it is

nice to know that Reginald val Johnson has learned to kill again. Right. And it's nice he's affair of the show. Fair of the show. Yeah. Angus looks at you and goes, I shot a kid. That's the best line reading of anything in the world.

I know we're going completely off the rails right now, but I shot a kid. It's the best any line has ever been delivered in the world. His name was Ergel. Angus says, I want you guys to have something, because I was going to take it back to the station, because it shouldn't fall into unsafe hands,

but you guys seem like you'll be able to take care of it and maybe you'll get a lot of use out of it. And he pulls out the rusted compass out of his pocket. I take it. Okay, and he hands it to Merle. And Merle, you pop it open. And it seems to me pointing toward Taco's bag, which is weird, but you don't.

Oh, okay. I have the monocle in there. Oh. Quick OOC moment. How good was the OC? we're walking away from this with the monocle, the compass, and the port wine, right? Port wine. The port wand.

Yes. Aha. Oh, shit. We forgot to get pringles for our roommate. Yeah. We haven't left yet. Is there like a new stand on the train station or something where I can pick up like that? And it's like, and I have one other gift for you.

And it retrieves. It's a miniature. It's like one of those snack size canisters. And it's sour cream and onion, which is not the best kind of Pringle. but he says they're yours if you want them I was going to have them as a train time snack but I forgot to eat them in the train times

I have something for you I managed to get one piece of the treasure out of the out of the crypt and it's you got my grandpa's silverware you got the whole set

I was only able to preserve a few pieces of it but something's better something's better than nothing I guess and I hand him three forks thanks I was really, I was really, you got me really excited that you rescued the whole set because I think, honestly, I think if I just showed these three-fourths to my grandpa, he's just going to get angry.

I'm not a magic worker, okay? Wait, well, I am, but technically speaking, I am in fact a magic worker, but I'm busy. Hey, I'm still dying. Yeah, that's true. He says, if you guys ever run into any mysteries that you can't solve, just drop me a line. And I'll be there in a flash. And he hands you a card that just says Angus McDonald on it.

But there's no phone number or anything because phones don't exist. So it's not the best business card that he gives it to you anyway. We'll use the port wand to find him. I can find him on LinkedIn. Just do that. Yeah. Okay. Chain LinkedIn.

Oh, I get it. That was good. Yeah. Thank you. So, yeah, you stopped by the Neverwinter Clinic, I'm guessing, to keep your... To get it. the bumps on our genitals checked out. This guy's almost dead and you guys all have syphilis.

What happened? How could this be? And yeah, you've, you've, you've, that's all of the content that I've created. So what do you want to do now? Let's just fucking freestyle. We got 15 minutes. I actually had a suggestion that I wanted to suggest to you guys before we go too much further. I think it would be worth, we have 15 minutes.

I, I think it would be really a good use of our time to, develop some character voices. Because I think that this nonsense of saying, I'm saying this in character, I'm not saying in character, I think it's getting confusing. For me, it's very easy to tell because I have the distinction.

Do you think, okay, what about this for Ben? But a few requests. Don't make them so terrible and unlistenable. No Scottish, no Spanish accent, no Scottish accent. This is my suggestion for Magnus. Just tweaking. Magnus talk like this. All right, dad, I'll listen and just kind of like,

see what we, see how grabs this. Let's rush into adventure. See, I like that. Yeah? It's simple, it's gruff. It's just a slightly model. I think that what we should do. Well, you're getting...

No, what we should... This is... Okay, I'm just going to stick with this. This is Magnus's voice. See, it's fucking hard, isn't it? Doing one voice. Try doing eight, and they're all on the same train. Yeah, I've done it for 40 years.

So go ahead. Well, this is... Next time you can DM and all the NPCs will be Ducky Crabtree or something. Dad, I think that Mero should sound like Ducky Crabtree. Could you do a little ducky for us now? Ducky Crabtree is our dad's famous radio personality that he created. One of many.

Don't forget like Spud Rimshot. Spud Rimshot, yeah. But for me, I'm a Ducky Crabtree, man. Well, okay, everybody's got their own. Gosh, really, Ducky has the, uh, uh, okay. Do it. Do it, coward. All right, I will.

How long has it been since you've, uh, dusted off old ducky? Pull them off the shelf. It's been a long time. About two and a half years, I guess. All right, let's hear him. Okay. Um, what do you mean I can't care?

sanctuary. What do you mean I'm out of spell slots? I think it might be a little bit of... That's pretty good because it's also things that you would do. We just try to cast spells when you can't. That was my ironic joke there. It was good. Let's keep workshopping Merle. All right. Because that's going to be rough to listen to a lot of. Ducky Crabtree is good in short bursts. Are we set on Magnus on that kind of deep and gruff? Is that because that's what you wanted for Merle?

I was thinking if Merle were short. Well, why don't you lean into sort of like your pan roots? You know what I mean? Like some of your more nature. I got to say, you just destroyed a beautiful garden. And that seems like a non-crunchy thing. Oh, it hurt. Yeah.

It hurt. Maybe something in that crunchy range. Is there something in that sort of like granola hippie place that you could go? You know what I'm picturing? I'm picturing of Danny DeVito. we're like a devout, crunchy dude. And he might be.

He may be. I don't know him that well. Devout and crunchy. So maybe if it was a little more natural, maybe a lot of me. I want you to take the Gary Sinise knob and I want you to turn it to fucking zero. But that's close.

I like that direction. Yeah, I like the direction too. All right, so a little raspy. Maybe raspy? That would hurt. I don't know if I could. Okay. Yeah, maybe.

that would work. That goes away from Madden. There we go. Yeah. It's almost a Clint Eastwood feel. Yeah, like in a feet, Sam Elliott. Okay, maybe even a little lower. Where are you going with that? What do you want to go ahead? Don't get you, gruffer, or you're getting into Magnus Terrier. Yeah, and you're getting into a weirdly sexual.

So let's go with Raspi and high. Yeah. And kind of an earthy, yeah. I want you to say, have you heard the good news about Pan? Have you heard the good news about Pan today? Yeah, I like this. Let me open up this teen extreme Bible and read a few passages. What I like is that you've got a good combination of like crunchy granola and also kind of creepy youth minister.

You guys want to see some really realistic unicorn painting? Hey, that almost sounds like a late FM disc jockey too. Check at the side of my van. All right, we got Peter Saterra now. Definitely. Definitely need to call, but it's, nobody likes bedou honey. Are you, so anybody want to go back to the moon? Oh, yeah, let's activate our braces.

What's the response time on calling the crystal balls? About 10 minutes. Depends on how far away you are from the headquarters. All right. And it really doesn't make a sense for us to go shopping in town because there's nothing. We're not going to be able to find. Oh, baby, fancy Costco's got everything. Yeah.

And in bulk. Let's listen. I think the most important thing we can do is get, these Pringles back to our roommate. Pringles? Was that his name? I don't remember. Actually, don't you think we ought to heal up poor Magnus first?

Now, we went to the clinic. We went to the clinic, remember? Oh, yeah. Sexually Jasmine. Oh, I thought that was that kind of clinic. No, no, no. It was both. It's all kinds.

Unfortunately, you owe the clinic 15,000 gold pieces. Time to go. Good luck, collectinettes. Suckers. Okay. You're going to have to find a safe spot. I'm guessing maybe you want to head out of town so that nobody sees your balls. Your balls. Yeah, we do that. Okay. That thing you just said. All right. Yeah, you are able to

summon a ball from the southeast over the mountains. You see one of these crystal spheres shoot down and is rocketing towards you in the planes just outside of the Neverwinter City limits. It slows down very slightly before it hits the ground Oh, I forgot to ask what band is on this episode of Never Winter City Limits? That's pretty good. Thank you. It's the, it's a, it's a, what's a funny band? Banana Ramah?

It's more stay in the time. So you may not, you may not want to leave. You may want to catch the time. Yeah, this, this fear collides. ground leaves a little skid mark on entry and the door pops open we get in let's get in okay you are floating back toward the moon back over the mountains uh you can see the the teeth below you you see the letterman's basin uh below you uh it's another beautiful scene uh you're you're floating up it's midday as you're moving up, up, up over the clouds.

And as you penetrate the cloud layer, the credits start to roll. The credit starts to roll. A soft accordion music is playing. And you see the moon above you, getting closer, much closer. And then a small hole opens up in it, and you fly up into the moon and are received in the launch room. by, oh fuck, what's his name?

Avi. You're received by Avi? He says, Hey guys, how to go? Well, hold on. Avi's great and all, but we did just collect another article. I thought maybe we'd get some kind of heroes welcome. Like, end of like, what is it?

End of New Hope. Nope, nothing like that. Okay. Evan, I want to know something. Do you have a wall, like the homicide detectives, you know, it's just covered with pictures of all these people like Avi and and Johan.

How do you keep it straight? On my dome piece, brother. I got a murder wall in my brain. That's weird. Alvi, listen, we need to get to the administrators as soon as possible. Did you recover a relic? Yeah, for sure.

You guys are unstoppable. You guys are fucking legends. We're like a runaway train, never coming back. Whoa! I get it. And then we all three jump in the air and fucking freeze frames. For six minutes. This is Milliboyette Productions in the episode.

Shit, boo, boo, do. Goods all, bro. The entire Quantum Leap theme plays, and you unfreeze, and Avi leads you back to the director's chamber. And she says, I can't believe you've done it again. I can't believe you've done this. And wheels out another one of those heavy lead balls,

led by a heavily armed guard who wheels it up to you on a tray and pops a hole open in the lead ball, points towards it. It says, put it right in there, brother. Where's Davenport? I have a question. If I have already resisted the thrall of it, am I cool?

Yeah, you're cool. I take out the monocle and I put it in the ball. Okay. As he shuts the window pane door of this lead ball, you hear a voice from inside go, oh, come on, man, oh, come on. Oh, come on. Oh, my, man.

And the guard wheels, the lead ball. out of the room. We didn't even get to play with the Monaco. And we don't even know what it does. And wheels it into the Cerebro Chamber. And the director pulls the curtain. So you can see into the chamber. Same thing happens.

The lead ball floats up. Columns of light shoot through it. And then the ball descends. The guard comes into the chamber, wheels the ball out, back into the room and opens it up. And it is empty. It's beautiful. What?

And the director says, you have just destroyed another incredibly powerful relic. That relic was imbued with impossible illusion magic. It's called the Oculus rift. No. It's just called the Oculus. And it is able to turn anything you create with illusion magic into something real, into something tangible.

But that sounds great. It's very great. Unless you use it to conjure an illusory army or some sort of illusory dragon or an illusory black hole that then destroys the world. Not seeing a downside. But we could have used that for so much good. You cannot use the grand relics for good. Their power overwhelms and inevitably leads only to evil.

Griffin, this is the scene at which we start to plant the seed of like, oh, 20 episodes from now when Magnus like splinters off and it's like, we can use these for good. This is the beginning of it. Yeah, this is the end game. We're setting the scene for the end game. Yeah, this all begins now.

You could have used it for good, the power, as long as it was wielded responsibly. Director says, you better keep that shit in check. Because that sort of thinking will consume you and tear you apart from your friends and lead you to create a rival, of faction. You're probably right. This will probably never come up again. Led by Dark Magnus.

Sorry, but once Magnus gets started thinking about something that's hard to stop. There's like a runaway train, never coming back. Jump in here. I take it your adventure involved the train. Well, yeah, you knew that. You set us down there to get off the train. Yeah, come on. You know this story. I just would have thought that you would have used.

your powers of persuasion to get the relic off the train before it even departed. But the way you did it was certainly interesting. Well, that's what we're here for. Ours had murder. Had what? Murder. Most foul. The modern beast.

We made some good friends and we grew closer as a group along the way. I would say it was very satisfying. It started storytelling goes. Well, friendship, I would say, is the greatest reward. that you can receive in this life or any other life. That said, it is important that when we erase this from everyone's memories, we also erase it from like Angus and Grant. I don't want those people calling us.

That won't be necessary. We won't need to erase anyone's memory on this job because you didn't destroy a city this time. Yay! Is this our quarterly review? This is your quarterly review. Compared to last time, 100% year-over-year improvement. Yay!

Do y'all want to get paid or not? Yeah. Davenport! And Davenport comes out, Davenport! And walks up to you with a silver tray with three more fantasy goshapon tokens on it, and a sack containing 2,100 gold pieces. Ooh! And how much is the stuff in Taco's Bagworth?

What? Sorry, what? The stuff clanging around as we walked around town? That's my CPAP. machine. And thanks for bringing it up, though. That's really nice. Wow, what scumbags you are, huh?

Guys got one fallibility. He's got a rubber in his face. And here's the bad thing. Only one of us actually uses a CPAP machine. Why am I laughing? It's not funny. It's pretty funny. Then in that case, no perception check.

Let him keep it. I don't mean to pick on you, Dad. Once it's starting to try to stop. It's like a runaway train. Hi-fi. We strayed. I look longer. We're done.

We're done. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Oh, hey there, everybody. I'm Guy Branum, and welcome to Pop Rocket, a new weekly show picking over the pop culture we all love to love.

With me to talk TV, film, music, and anything else entertaining, our journalist Margaret Wopler, academic, writer, and DJ Oliver Wang, digital strategist, Winner Mitchell, Medians and Tina Mewha. It's an intellectual and incredibly snark-filled discussion about pop culture by five cranky Hollywood 30-somethings. No name

calling, no rudeness, just straight talk and a lot of role play. I'm only 30-something for another year. Me too. And I don't tell anybody I'm 30-something. Poprocket comes out every week from maximum fun.org.