The Adventure Zone - Ep. 17. Lunar Interlude I: Carnival Chaos

Episode Date: June 18, 2015

In this brief interlude between adventures, our heroes attend an office party — well, a carnival — at the Bureau of Balance’s lunar headquarters. They also hit up the Fantasy Costco, where they must match wits with their most fearsome mercantile foe yet. Taako makes a discrete trade. Merle tries on some cool-ass slippies. Magnus finally finds a friend. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. Griffin, can you say something about how we solved your train mystery? Oh, I mean, you actually did solve my murder puzzle. You got my grandpa's silverware? You got the whole set? I was only able to preserve a few pieces of it, but something's better than nothing, I guess. I take out the monocle and I put it in the ball. Lead ball floats up, columns of light, shoot through it, and it is empty. You have just destroyed another incredibly powerful relic.

It's called the Oculus Rift. No. It's just called the Oculus. And how much is the stuff in Taco's Bagworth? The stuff clanging around as we walked around town? That's my CPAP machine. And thanks for bringing it up, though. That's really nice.

Wow, what scumbags you are, huh? I'm jacked up on corn dogs and dogs. Dippin' dots. We're going to the carnival this week in the Adventure Zone. The three of you are on the moon base, and you are taking part in a festival that the director has thrown that has thrown in armor of the midsummer solstice, which is an annual holiday held once a year during the height of summer, as you might imagine, based on the name of the event. And the highlight of the Midsummer Solstice and the, who's just rolling dice?

Who's just, who's doing secret checks that I don't know about? Surprisingly, not me. I'm checking to see, I'm introducing a new feature on the podcast where I check to see if I interrupt you or not. Okay, well, you have to keep doing it. Congratulations. Hit. Critical interrupt.

Critical interruption. So the Midsummer Solstice is an event that is held every year. And the highlight of the Midsummer Stulstis is this eclipse that occurs. Every year at high noon, it is a bizarre astrological event. And the world's different religions append a spiritual importance to the eclipse and to the Midsummer Stolstice, which has made it sort of a pan-religious holiday. Griffith, can I interrupt you real quick? Yeah.

What are beer prices like at this festival? Is it reasonable or is it the kind of thing we're only going to have one and then everything seems over-priced? That's how they get you. It's 25 gold and you get like a roll of tickets and you trade those tickets in for beers. And so like by the time you've realized how much you've spent it, you're drunk. Yeah. Okay. And is it like a truck scenario or like a food truck or is it like stands? There's a big food tent. There's a big tent that is full of food and food vendors. Uh, there's, there's a row, uh, an alley of carnival games. Uh, there's fried foods. Uh, in, in the middle of the sort of yard, uh, in the, the, the middle of the Bureau of Balance campus is a sort of, uh, uh, roped off dance floor. Johan is, is playing some tunes on his fiddle. He's playing the devil went down to Georgia. Yeah, and, and, and songs of that ilk, just sort of getting things going. So one, one, one thing that. that is important about the midsummer solstice is in order to celebrate sort of the upcoming

harvest and chase off the bad spirits that can that that might taint the crops people typically wear costumes during this holiday and so everyone all all of the Bureau of Balance employees is basically like an office party are all decked out in in their favorite costumes I'm dressed like caco okay so I was going to ask what you guys are wearing. You're dressed like Taco. I'm wearing a taco costume. It's kind of a deep cut. Yeah, no one's getting it. I'm doing a lot of this.

Like, I'm Taco. Get a... Oh, I guess I should do it in my voice. In this reality, so there's no way that could happen. I think he means you. I dressed as you. He said, oh, is me. I'm dressed as T-A-A-K-O.

Okay. Did you just steal his clothes while he was sleeping? Yeah, mostly. They don't fit very well. He's a very slight man. Yeah, and you're big and beefy and sinewy. Honestly. Taco and Merle, what are you guys wearing? I want to be Ursula from Little Mermaid. I'm going to make that dream come true. I got the tentacles on my feet. And I got paper mchet breasts and the wild and crazy hair.

And you got coat hangers sticking over your shoulders with like paper mishay flocks them and jets them. Like you got your little eels with you. This is this is going to be on a costume. This is a cosplay at this point. Yeah. Hey, I got nothing against cosplayers. I'm proud to be a cosplay. Oh, and you're getting the hair.

eyeball from the octopus in the in the tank that fed us his dark poopie or whatever it was i thought it's a jellyfish it is a jellyfish it wasn't an octopus no you're cephalopods are they cephalopods no they're probably not i just i said a big word uh taco what are you what are you uh what are you decked out in um just as judge lancito okay you've worn that same costume for the last 25 years it's the only costume my own Perhaps high pallid in Lance Ito. Yeah, that's... Hero of the realm. Hero of the realm.

Breakout 90s personality, Judge Lance Eto. True story. I actually did at a Halloween party three years ago. Oh, my God. See someone dresses Judge Lance Eto, and I'm still laughing about it to this day as evidence by my dressing as Judge Lancito for this very special occasion. That's your tribute to that person. It's my tribute to that person. and not Judge Lantino, who I have beefed.

Well, that makes it cool. Yeah. So, so this, the atmosphere's got kind of a, sort of a state fair feel to it. People entering their prize livestock into things. No, there's no animals, no animals on the moon. Quit trying to trick me. My next, my next question was about puppies. Right, sure.

No, not there. Yeah, people are getting a little bit tipsy. Robbie is mixing up some drinks. He's got a, there's an open bar, which is very exciting. Open bar. Later. Okay. Yeah, I was going to ask, what do you guys want to do?

We have a little bit of time to kill before events of important start happening. I like to eat some fried centaur on a stick. Okay. And have a couple bruise. Let me roll. Oh, only a three. Not very drunk. Roll to see if I get drunk.

So you have wandered into the food tent. and your eye is drawn to this one booth in particular, where there is this giant vat of bubbling golden oil over a large, powerful flame, and a dwarven woman wearing a wizard's garb over it, and she says, hello, hello, step forward, step forward. Hello.

What would you like? I'm Petrilda. I'm, and I am the fried car. Conjurer. Name any food stuff you can imagine, and I will conjure it and fry it up for you so right. Anything? Anything. Your heart desires. I can put it in your mouth. Don't fry it first, though. I would like some fried unicorn, please.

Fried unicorn. She looks around. Just the horn. That's the rest of the horn and the dick. She looks around. I want the fried unicorn double barrel special. I see. She looks around and surveys and she leans forward and whispers in your ear,

now you're not going to tell anyone about this, right? No, we'll keep this dick just between us. Super duper, duper, illegal. Okay. And she holds two hands in the air and in one, a beautiful spiral, ivory white unicorn horn appears. And in the other, a unicorn penis appears. and she dunks them both in the vat of golden oil. Yeah, and, you know, well, no, she doesn't, like, hold her hands in there.

She just sort of throws them in there. Oh, okay. And some oil splashes up. She doesn't seem to mine. She doesn't give a fuck. And she pulls out two cylindrical, uh, fried things with a little wire basket. I hope you kept track of which was which. I'm going to eat them both.

It doesn't matter. Hands them to you in a styrofoam plate and says, uh, eat up. Mind the shards. Can I get a little pot of sugar? I'm not in the mood for meat. Do you ever find anything like breadier, something non-meaty? Like what, dear? You have to be more specific.

What bread do you have available? I have sourdough and pump a nickel. No. I have... Anything ethnic? Yes, I can... I have some non, some non bread. I can toss in there.

Alright, no, never mind. Is that what you, are you trying to trick me into a tortilla trap? It's not a trick, it's narrative development. Trying to organically push the only story this show the matters forward. Does Travis look like he has like bonuses or anything now? Does he look like bonuses? Perception check to see if Magnus looks like he has bonuses. From eating a unicorn, a double barrel unicorn blast?

That's the by lane to flavor country right there. They're both difficult to eat, but in different ways. The upsetting ways. One's mental. One is mental and one is more physically difficult. Is the dick spiral too? Dad. Wait, wait, wait.

How come everybody else can say it but me? Because you're my dad, you birthed me. I always assume that the horn was its dick. Is that just great? No, but you gain no bonuses. You just, you are filled. It tastes great. Are there any games?

Oh, gom, gom, gom, gom, gom. Yeah, you walk over to the, uh, the mini game alley. And they all look like rip-offs. There's the old toss the little ring around the bottle. Nobody's ever won that. There's that one where you have to like push a bowling ball along the rails and get it to stop. Like on the, I rolled, I rolled a 14. I have a plus six against bottles.

Okay. Uh, but no, actually, you thought you won it. But the, the ring. skips off the top of one of the bottles. No such luck. No dice. There is one particularly enticing vendor who yells at, come knock over these cans. Come knock over my cans. I bet you can't knock over these cans. I'll do it. I'll knock over your cans. I bet you can't knock over these cans. I've got them stacked up in a special way. My master trained for years to stack the cans in these ways, and he taught me how to stack these cans. You'll never knock them over. It's 5,000 gold pieces to try and knock over these cans.

But the prize is well worth it, I guarantee it. 5,000 gold pieces, sir? Try your hand, try your hand. Do I have 5,000 gold pieces? No, I don't think we have 5,000 gold pieces. I'll tell you what, sir. I'll let you take this to stab for free and you'll just owe me if you fail. What do you say?

What do you say? What are the rules? Knock over the cans. How many cans are there? There's a handful of cans. Six, six, six, or seven, I'd say. How about if I take one practice throw for free? I'll give you a practice throw for free.

Okay, I'll try it. Okay, he hands you a small, a solidly constructed ball. It would be like about a softball if softball existed in this beautiful fantasy world I've developed for you three. Does it? No, no, no. So about the size of a rocks egg. Yeah. of an in-story thing of an ogre's eyeball.

Hands it to you. All right. I'll wind up. And I'm going to throw it underhanded. Oh, I see. To get more of an arc. Don't you have magic spells and shit? You don't have to do trick, bitches.

You chuck it. Make a range attack throw on these cans. Just roll a D20. We'll say, we'll give you a plus. Well, I'd just add your dexterity modifier to it, I guess. Zero. I'm even on dexterity, so it's a 12. Okay. You knock off the top three cans from the stack. Oh, so close. Damn. That'll be 5,000 gold pieces, please.

Now, that was a practice throw. That was a practice throw. I don't remember anything about a practice throw. I have two burly witnesses here that remember that. All right. Easy tiger. Easy tiger. Listen, you dipshits. You're going to start talking in your character voices if I have to drag you into it. Okay. All right. How about double her? nothing. Let me throw another one. I know it's hard

to get you to, but once you're there, two people will live inside you. Trust. It's like having, it's like Herman's head up in here. Come into me, Merle. Exactly. Let it's spirit in. Come into me, Merle. Like any of this. Double or nothing sounds good.

Double or nothing. I love to make 10,000 gold pieces today. All right, I'm ready. This time I'm throwing overhand. Sounds good. That's a very, very popular throwing direction. 20! I rolled a 20! I'll need confirmation from the other person in the room on that roll.

In fact, roll a 20. Okay. You knock over all but one of the cans. Wait a minute! Son of a bitch. Dang! Okay, after I noticed that all but one are knocked off, I cast mage hand and send the other one flying. Okay.

You, what are you doing? You just punching it? You're doing a little mage hand punch? Yeah, just like, yeah, punched it. Bink. Okay, he does that. And an alarm goes off inside his booth. Oh, magic alert, magic alert.

We got a couple cheaters here. Let me see your hands. Hold out your hands. No, I mean, it was me. I asked for rules, and you said that knock over the cans, so I was following the rules. Oh, I think it was implied that you had to use the ball. That implied. He pulls out a big rubber stamp.

It says, cheater on it. Let me see your hands. No more carnival games for you. Listen, it's not the worst thing that's been stamped on my hand this week. Let me tell you. You three have been banned from the rest of the carnival games. No, I won't allow this. I want to roll back time.

Can I do that? Yeah, sure. Oh, that's a 10. That's probably not going to do it, is it? Okay, 20,000. Your whole adventuring party. 20,000 gold pieces. I'm going to knock it unconscious.

Is that like just an unarmed attack? Is that against the rules? That'll be. a whole bureau investigation and they'll have to get internal affairs. Let's set up an installment plan. All right. I'll pay you one gold piece a year for 20,000 years. Sounds good to me.

All right. Well, that was resolved easily. The three of you wander back into sort of the main part of the festival. Let's dance. Let's dance. People have started to get, like, drunk. So like, it's, it's one of those office parties where, like, maybe things are getting a little bit uncomfortable. Johanna is also playing music a little bit, just a little bit too sad, just a little bit too slow for people to really groove too.

So it's, it maybe isn't the most comfortable dance floor environment. I wanted to get my face painted. Okay, Travis, Merle gets his, Magnus gets his face painted and what, what do you want? A Spider-Man? I want to look like a kitty. Okay. Is there a petting zoo? No, there's no animals on the moon, again.

Cannot stress this enough. I got a question that Taco asked to know it in particular. Is there some adventure here? Are we just hanging? Listen, I don't understand why it always has to be like killing goblins or gervlins or like stopping, you know, evil wizards. That's not life. Like if that was your every day, it would get super boring. Sometimes you just have to celebrate, sometimes you just have to take part in a festival.

Sometimes you have to eat fried foods and hang out with friends. So it's like somebody said, I don't know, you guys come up with something. You're at a carnival. It's not, you're not giving us a D.D. You're giving us an improv comedy proms. Okay. You're at a dentist office. He comes in.

He's a bear. Who are you going to do now? Say yes. The director, you hear her voice amplified over the yard. And she says, attention, everyone. The eclipse is about to take place if you would like to join us in the yard and join us for the viewing of the eclipse. It should be here in just a minute or so. And you see the artificer Leon walking around handing out these glasses to everyone, and he hands each of you a pair.

They're just sort of very simple black glasses, sunglasses, one might call them. so you can view the eclipse without injuring your precious eyeball cones. I wear them but only to look cool. Okay. Taco put some on it. Yeah. They're going to look cool, I guarantee it. Just as the sky begins to darken and the sun and the moon, the real moon, not the moon that you are on,

the actual main real moon for this planet. The real ass moon. The real ass moon. just as these two heavenly bodies align in the sky, you are blasted by this deafening streak that immediately incapacitates everyone around you. Everyone around you just sort of falls to the ground limp. And the sky has turned pitch black all you see

in where the sun... Did the sun run into each other? No, you see just the faintest outline of the sun now and a great black circle in the sky where the eclipse has taken place. But you're blasted by this supersonic noise. And I'm going to need all of you to make a Constitution saving throw to see if you can sort of withstand this sonic blast. I rolled an 18. Well, I roll a 13 and my Constitution modifier is five. 17 for me. Yeah, as a fighter, you have plus two to strength saving throws and Constitution saving throws.

Oh, okay, okay. And sorry, what was it, Juice? Yours? 17. 17. And Merle? I rolled a 20 plus two. Oh, plus two for Constitution. Damn. You all save the shit out of that roll. Well, we don't listen very well. That is a good point. the three of you stay standing and remain like you you you retain your consciousness and and pretty much everybody around you has fallen face down on the ground looting well you're you're a little bit too shaken to go around pillaging every person around you because you've stayed conscious you can distinguish some sounds in this calamity and it sounds almost like 20 orchestras are all playing all at the same time around you.

Like it just sounds like this cacophonous, yeah, it sounds like you're standing in the middle of a circle and all around you are just these orchestras that are just blasting you with music and you hear these thousands, if not millions of whispers. but they're all happening at the same time and they're all so loud that you can't really make out any particular word that they're saying you just understand that there are

these whispers around you. Now this is our first eclipse festival. Maybe this is normal. Maybe every year. Pretty cool holiday. Yeah, every year it's like and then we take, you know,

20 minute nap while the whispers happen and we go home and make love. So this is, yeah, Yeah, that all made super good sense. This is not your guys' first midsummer solstice. This is just your first midsummer solstice moon party. Moon festival. You ever been to midsummer solstice on the moon?

No, this is unorthodox, to say the least. And as the equinox reaches its apex, this event only lasts about, the eclipse only lasts about 30 seconds or so. And as it reaches its apex and the light of the sun is completely blotted. out. The three of you can see in the sky for just two seconds, just a brief moment. The sky is filled with thousands of bright white eyes, and they're all just burning intensely. And then as the sun and moon part from one another, they fade out just as quickly as they appeared. And then as the Equinox passes.

The music also fades. And then it's just back to normal. It's bright outside, and the three of you are left standing. The director is the first one to sit up and survey the scene. You have survived this terrible cacophonous event. Magnus immediately assumes he got a hold of some bad unicorn dick. What was in that dick you told me? This is important.

The unicorn dick is tainted. Don't eat the unicorn. Dick. Everybody stay calm. If someone tries to hand you some bad dick, just say no. Say no to bad dick. I head over to the director and say, what was that? What in the world was that? Has that happened before? Is that like a thing? She's a little bit disoriented. She says, no. Slap her. She slaps you back. Boo-ya. But now she's crystal clear. Okay, yeah, she's not disoriented. She says, no, that's, that was the first time.

I need you all to debrief with me in my office, but first let's wake everyone up and make sure that everyone's all right. We walk around slapping everyone. Okay, you hand out healing slaps to every unconscious person in the festival grounds. I use presidigination to make the guy in the sun costume for the Jimmy Dean commercials appear, because he always makes me feel pretty good. And I'm like, rise and shine. Yeah, you press to digit. This beloved commercial mascot, the son from the Jimmy Dean commercials.

Merle, you just stand in the middle of a pile of people and just start spinning, and your Ursula tentacles do the slapping forward to you. Got it. You are a hurricane of slaps. So, yeah, you guys spend the rest of the afternoon sort of recuperating from this calamity. and you meet up with the director in her office, and she says, I was incapacitated by whatever happened out there. I need you all to describe to me what happened.

Are we under attack? Oh, talk about your unreliable narrators. We, there was a loud, then bright, no, bright first, then loud. Yes. No, no. Loud and then bright I thought it was at the same time

There was sort of a confluence, right? Yeah, and it sounded like a bunch of like Instruments, like a bunch of like string Instruments, there was coffins You know the polyphonic spree? Yeah, I love that. I mean, I prefer tripping daisy, but you know how... Imagine if you played like eight polyphonic spree albums

at the same time, but like just a little bit too fast. Okay. Did you see anything in addition to the... A bunch of... It was a bunch of, like, ovals. A bunch of... Eyes. They were eyes.

Oh, yeah. Eyes. It was eyes. They were eyes. It was eyeballs. Okay. And they, uh, and they looked, um, kind of glorious, but a little bit evil. Bloodshot.

They were bloodshot. Kind of bloodshot. Little bloodshot? A little bit. You guys sound so alike. I love it. Uh, our, our seekers on the ground have. have reported back to us and have told us that nobody on the surface of the world saw or heard anything peculiar.

So whatever you saw, you were the only ones who saw it. This was not a worldwide phenomenon. It just happened to us up here, up on the moon. It was moon wide. Could this be the work of some kind of evil organization spying on us? I don't know what it was, but I need you to not tell anybody what you've told me today, even inside of a bureau, until we understand what we're up. I already tweeted it. What you mean you told it to a bird?

I told it to the birds and the bees. You made love? I don't understand. I made love to birds. And bees. I was a little bit stoned on unicorn dick. Listen, whatever you do in your spare time is your business, but it is of the utmost importance that you don't tell anybody what you saw

until we understand what it is that you saw. We'll just tell Killian and we'll tell our roommate Pringles. No, don't help. No, Pringles. Whatever his name was. Robert. He just wanted Pringles. He just wanted Pringles. I can't defy it for the rest of his life.

Well, sometimes that's how you get a nickname. Oh, Pringles, Robert. I believe that this is a ill omen and we must hasten our efforts to gather the relics because if a storm is brewing, we cannot hope to weather it if we're busy putting out the fires that threaten to consume our world. That's not really cool. Yeah, that was good. Did you write that? No, that was off the dome. Well, first, I think you ought to investigate that can game bastard.

Yeah. That guy's got a whole... No, I'm sorry, you're right. Right, before we hasten our efforts to collect the grand relics that threaten to destroy our world, I'll look into a seedy carnival game owner and operator. All right. Foreshadowing, that's all I'm saying. Good.

You're dismissed, please. Are we fired? No, just go. I'm tired. I'm very, very sleepy. Could he get on the case early tomorrow, huh? Yeah. The case of the mysterious carnival marker.

It was the administrator's greatest case. Hey everyone, this is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend. Your lover? No, not that. Just your dungeon master and your best friend. Thank you for listening to the Adventure Zone, episode 17, in which we take a little interlude, lunar interlude, if you will. And that's probably what I'm going to call the episode from the main campaign to do some character management, which is coming right up after this. Thank you all so much for listening to the show.

Thank you for tweeting about the show. We're going to kick off a new story arc in the next episode in two. weeks, so make sure that you tweet about the show using the Zonecast hashtag, and you might end up as a character in that story arc. Who knows? I don't know, because I haven't picked the names yet. I have a personal message for this week's episode. If you want to get a personal message for yourself or your small business, you can get one at maximum fun.org slash jumbotron. Just pick the Adventure Zone and let us know what you want me to say. This message is for Cat, and it's from this field intentionally left blank.

This is essentially a Craigslist missed connection for Kat. This anonymous person says, thanks for turning me on to this podcast. They put an ellipses there, and I interpret ellipses as like three second pauses. Peace and pleasure, Cat, smiley face. I don't know what to make of this message, but hopefully Cat will,

and hopefully every person who listens to this show whose name is Cat or Katie or Katrina wasn't just totally scared shitless. We have another personal message this week, and it's for Emmy QT Girl, or Emmy Cutie Girl, and or Mecklenorf Ann.

I have no idea. I just spit it from the dome as I read it, and that's how it came out. It's from Momo, and damn it, Katie, and they say to Emmy QT Girl and or Mecklandorf, Ann, For this B-Day, we promise to play with your hair, buy you incorrectly monogram stationery,

burn wangis, put a real poop on the bathroom floor, and butt punch the cum right out you. Turn westward and you will find a mug with the pick of you at the wedding, where your mouth is full of food and you have tiny mouth. Love you, Shmimsy. Hashtag bring back berry blue jeans. We'll see what we can do about that. We're not going to do anything. Thanks again to everybody for listening to the show.

if you haven't given the other shows on the Maximum Fun Network a chance, you should, because they're all great and they're all free, and we're going to be hanging out with a lot of them this, this week, or sorry, I guess last weekend by the time you hear this, at Max FunCon. Go listen to Jordan Jesse Go. Go listen to One Bad Mother. Go listen to Throwing Shade. Go listen to My Brother Me, which is a show that we also do. We do a couple shows on the network. You can find them all, along with all the other amazing shows at Maximum Fun.org. That's it for the commercials this week. I'll let you get back to the episode. Next episode will be up on. on July 2nd, so I will talk to you then. See ya, cool cats. All right, let's do a little bit of character management because we need to manage y'all. This is everyone's favorite part. Some people are into it. Some people like the trips to the fantasy Costco.

We got a lot of submissions. A lot of, I don't want to be critical of our fans and our loved ones, let's call them. But if you send an item, it's like, it's a sword and it does a billion damage. I can't do that. I can't include it. I would like that one, please.

It's a potion. If you drink it, you're invincible. You can't have a potion that makes you invincible. Why are you making up sound like that, Griffin? Like the ghost of Emo Phillips. Because Emo Phillips listens to the show, and he sends in a lot of shitty fantasy Costco suggestions. What about a shield? Do you want to go to the Costco first? You want to go to the fantasy goshapon?

Or do you want to meditate and level up? Let's go to the fantasy gaugropon first, because that's random. Yeah, and now we'll determine what we buy. Yeah, that's a good idea. All right, so you roll up to the artificer who, I forget what I made him sound like. I want to say Tim Curry, but I don't want to like, I don't know. I don't want to be mean to Tim Curry. No, it's a touching tribute.

It's like a tribute. It's an honor. Okay. Hello, welcome back. Do you have any tokens to throw in the fantasy goshapod? Test your luck. See, but lady luck. You do.

You got three. Okay, we do. We do. You, we've got these tokens, son. Okay, let me see those. He takes them and bites them at them. Don't be careful. They're quite heavy.

He bites them just to make sure they're legit. Pissed him back to you. Oh, God. Oh, no. I need to go. How many bites brass tokens, Griffin? You bite gold. Who wants to go first?

Who's feeling lucky? I'll do it. All right, Merle. Step up to the plate. All right. And here's my token. and I'm spinning the wheel

It's more like a lever Or a dial or a knob Okay, you throw the The token into the fantasy gosh upon Spin it, roll a D20 D20 Okay All right, let me see you

All right, let me get that up here And I rolled a 10 A 10, middle of the road totally average You said that you'd go like that You said it didn't work that way No it doesn't I'm just saying numerically It's between

It's between them Okay so you Hold on Open up my spreadsheet If only Griffin had known this was coming I have several spreadsheets That I work off of At any given time

You're gonna have to three monitor this shit Griffin I'm already two monitoring this shit This is getting out of control I guess I can loop my Hell of it. Anyway, okay. Attend. Okay, so a capsule comes down into the prize chamber. You lift up the door to the prize chamber and retrieve a capsule that's about the size of a shoe box. Okay. And you crack it open and appropriately enough, there are some shoes inside. Or to be more

specific, they're more like slippers, like house slippers or like fuzzy bunny slippers. These are some slippers that have small aesthetic wings on the back of it and the art of a sur what's his name? I literally just said it. Leon.

Oh, of course. For Leon Rosler. Leon, the art of usur, takes these slippers and eyes them over and opens up his giant tome, his own spreadsheet, his own triple monitor spreadsheet on his desk. And flips to, let's see, let's see, S. These are your slippies of haste. And these are a very wondrous magic item while you're wearing these.

If you ever find yourself in danger or about to enter into combat, you will be able to move a little bit faster than those who are trying to get the drop on you, he says. which in D&D game speak means you will have advantage on all of your initiative rolls from now on. Whoa. That's good for you. Yeah, whenever you roll for initiative, you roll twice and take the higher result. So these are really good shoes. Cool.

Those are some badass shoes. Those are some cool-ass slippies. Yeah. Do you toss on those cool-ass slippies, I'm guessing? I'm tossing them on. They're a perfect fit. It's weird how that worked out. It is weird.

I thought they're too small. Oh, well, what are you going to do? Well, okay. Maybe you can sell them at the fantasy customer. Maybe they're just like, maybe they're just a little too small. So like they fit, you can wear them. But like, you don't like it. You know, you're going to get a little chafing on the back of your heel.

You love them. They feel great. They got some Dr. Scholl's inserts. Only, I guess it would be like Magister Scholl. And he's a warlock. A foot warlock. Who wants to go next? I'll go.

Okay. Magnus, you step up to the machine. I rolled an 11. Give me some flavor. Don't just... Oh, I will now spin the wheel. Okay, you spin it. Whatever.

Of justice. You got an 11? I got an 11 if that's good. Oh, God, no, it's not. No. No, it's okay. You, a capsule drops down... Shield, shield, shields.

It is not shield size. It is much smaller than the capsule that you got the rail splitter out of. It's maybe the size of like a volleyball Is it a volleyball? It is actually a green cloth glove That is made for your right hand And you hand it to Leon the artificer And he flips through the book

Let's see Don't see anything for this in G And he keeps flipping It takes him a while to find this one And he goes, ah, ah This is a magic item called a Fletcher's Mitt. And what this does is if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of an arrow or a crossbow bolt, this glove will give you a little bit of help in avoiding or even catching the projectile being fired at you, he says.

Which means you have a plus one AC against ranged non-magical attacks. And if you avoid any range non-magical attacks, you grab the projectile and have it. Well, all right, then. Nice. Now, does that in any way conflict with my phantom fist? Or can I wear both? I mean, you can wear both. Great.

We'll say the phantom fist is for your lefty. Okay, great. Taco, you want to hit this shit? Yeah. I walk up to Leon and I hand him the token. Oh, God. How do you, how can this be? I can't believe you've done this.

I'm ready. Okay, he hands it back to you. Just sweetheart, I want you to pop it into the machine and turn it yourself. I can't do it for you. Remember the monologue I did last time about, like, how I can't give you magical items. I can't have a fake. Okay. Do you, I'm going to, if you hand this to me again, I'm going to take it away from you and you won't get a magic item and you'll be very sad.

No, I want a magic item. Leon just do it. I can't. It's a game start. Be cool. Be cool. Leon. This machine has been sanctified by the gods.

If you get a magic item out of it, it is like the gods are giving it to you. If I turn the wheel and something dope drops out, it's my thing. Do you understand? But you didn't hurt the guy with the stinky hand. I heard him. Yes, you heard it him great. Here's a coin, put it in the machine, turn that their knob, and Bob's your uncle.

All right. I put the token in the machine. Okay. Halfway there. Oh, boy. Now, which way do I turn it? To the right. And I want you to take both your hands and make L's with them.

And the one that looks like an L is the left hand. Okay. So turn it the opposite direction. Is that clockwise or counterclockwise? It is clockwise. I don't understand. I'm a digital line myself. Why did you ask the question between the two?

I'm still trying to. figure it out. So I'd use learning opportunities like this. Okay. I'll put my hands on the crank and you just turn my hands. He leans in under the tape. While all of this is going on,

I've handed my bow and arrow to Merle and I'm telling him to shoot me while I try to catch the arrow. Just in the background. Just quietly in the background. Okay, that's fun. Merle, you want to make a range attack roll against a...

This will be, it's critical. This will be its critical role. Okay. Range attack roll Two Two, okay The era just falls out of the boat And I run over and pick it up and like, I did it

I did it This is like the scene in James Bond movies Where he gets the tools and is immediately like Oh, I want to shoot this at the thing In the interim, I have figured it out And I have just turned the crank Okay, you've turned the crank Roll the D20 for me

16 16 Okay, a small ovular More like a cylinder Pops out of the prize change chamber, and you take it and pop it open, and inside is... Oh, tampon. Why is it every time to put a quarter in a machine a tampon comes out?

It's not a tampon, I promise. I told you I didn't want to turn it. It is a small... It's a time pawn. Time pawn. Time pawn, the time traveling tampon. It is a small folding fan, like a handheld folding fan. And on it is blue, and there's a lovely tableau of some clouds on it.

And you hand it to Leon, who flips through his book, opens it up to an entry and says, this, oh, this is a fun item. This is the Gustmaster 5,000. And this fan is capable of once per day producing an incredibly powerful gust of wind that you can use to, say, knock-back. a foe or put out a flame or send some dishes flying or anything you could do with a stiff breeze. This fan will allow you to produce that breeze once per day, which in layman's terms means you can cast the spell gust of wind using this fan once per day. Oh. It'll come in handy when your soup's too hot.

Yeah, thrilling. You know, between this fan and this fancy sombrilla, I'm one 17-inch waist away from Scarlet O'Hara. A real plantation lady over here. Leon says, actually, let me see your umbrella there. It looks like there's something different than the last time. This item is very interesting. It ate somebody else.

Your staff ate somebody? Well, it eats their magic, I think. Yeah, it eats the wand. Oh, that's right. So the Umbra Stavs are capable, staves, I should say, is the plural. They're capable of devouring the power of the magical objects used by any wizard that you defeat in combat. Let me see it. And he takes the umbrella and looks at the handle and says,

did you notice this sigil of an umbrella appear on your umbrella's handle after you could soon? This is interesting. This Umbra staff is now capable of at any time casting slow fall on yourself and your adventuring party whenever you need it. So the spell is actually called feather fall. It is essentially the spell that Killian had in her magic feather duster thing. And you can choose up to five falling creatures within range, and their rate of descent slows to 60 feet per round until the spell ends. That doesn't mean anything. People just slow down while they're falling.

And you can channel that through your umbrella once a day, and it doesn't consume a spell slot or anything like that. So, well, thanks for stopping by. It's always good to see you three. Can we have some more stuff? No, no, no, no. But I really like this stuff. Yeah, go get some tokens. If you get an A-plus on your report card, maybe you'll get some for free.

Okay. That's a Chuckie Cheese joke. Y'all went here up the Fantasy Costco. Did they do that too? Well, it's an accelerated reader. Wait, why am I doing it? It's an accelerated reader that I'm thinking of. Fantasy Costco, where all your dreams come true.

Got a deal for you? Got a deal for you. That's the jingle that plays as you, there's like a motion sensor and the Fantasy Costco and it just blasts that every time anybody walks in the store. You imagine this is a terrible place to work. Oh, yeah. Because that tune is just going to get stuck right in your dome. Yeah, you guys should have the email with the Fantasy Costco inventory. Yes.

How many monies do we have? So you got 2,100 gold pieces for completing your last mission. Yeah, so each of you would have, if you split it up evenly, which I'm assuming you do. Oh, no, no. $700, but then also Taco, you've got some stuff to hawk, right? Yeah, I got a lot of valuables. I don't know exactly what. You're going to have to tell me.

You had, let's see, you had a tiara, and you take this to the customer service desk, and maybe you say, like, I'm returning this stuff. I don't know. I lost these. So for the tiara, you get, not much. About 20, 20 gold. What? Yeah, it was fake.

It was fake gold. Um, also that... Why was it in the safe? Uh, they didn't, maybe they didn't know it was fake. Oh. Um, they're not especially interested in the other items. They are interested in the, uh, uh, the silverware set. Uh, and the appraiser is, is going over, uh, the silverware set and looking over it saying, like, uh, this could be worth thousands.

This could be worth, this could be worth tens of thousands. This is very rare bit. Oh, wait, one second. It seems like a fork is missing. from this set. Yeah, I gave it to some idiot. Oh, dear. Dear, that is so unfortunate with a full set of this extremely rare silverware.

True silverware is what it is. That we could have exchanged that for 20, maybe 30,000 gold pieces. Unfortunately, because a piece is missing, I can give you, uh, 280. Do you do you say anything about the patina? The patina is quite nice, quite a lovely patina. He doesn't know the word. He's just trying to sound a pretty pretty good. So 300 altogether

Fine That's 100 each And do you want that in store credit or cash? Just give it to me cashed Please hurry my friends are nearby In cash it'll only be 15 Okay store credit Taco

You get a voucher for 300 Costco bucks Good Taco come on I got free cheese Okay I'll get some cheese Just hold on All right that stuff in my pocket

And I go find free cheese Okay, so, 2,400 altogether, although if you wanted to split it up in the canon of the story, everyone has 700 gold pieces, and Taco has a secret extra 300 in fantasy Costco box. Excellent. Now, I thought I bought the unlimited pasta pass. Did you? I couldn't remember. It has, this is the pasta pass that has, from Danes, the 23rd, that has no practical value within the game. Can you read the description again?

Can be used at any participating all of guys? garden for free unlimited pasta for the owner of the past and free soft drinks for their guests. I don't remember if I said this last time you guys weren't shopping, but the original description said that it was only good for six weeks. That seemed like it was hymming you in to like haul ass to an OG. So we got some old stuff, some new stuff, some stuff I came up with, some stuff that other people sent in. If you want to submit an item for fantasy Costco the next time our boys go shopping, it's

Adventure Zonecast at gmail.com And you can send in an item. Do you want to read the ones that people send in? You don't have to read it. Yeah, sure. There's a haunted doll. Some people have sent in variations of the haunted doll, but this one will basically take the third death save that you roll.

You have to roll death saves when you go down. And if you roll three, you die. This one will take that third death save instead and die in place of you. There's a ring of pointing that Daniel Kiefer sent in. This is basically a laser pointer. There's the tankard of potent drink from Troy Hoffmackle. This makes beverages more alcoholic. Or if you drink water from it, it immediately sobers you up.

There's some healing potions. This is a new item from Bodhi, Brookwhite. From Bodie Brookwhite. They are the glasses of lightning comprehension, which allow you to read and comprehend text of any language that you know 10 times as fast. So speed reading glasses. And then there's the lens of straight creeping from Dylan Duarte that allow you to find footprints, tracks or markings of any person or thing that traveled through the area recently once per day. And then there's some other items in here that I came up with, like the alchemist ring that gives you extra healing when you drink a healing potion.

There's the ring of recall, which allows you to regain a spell slot for a failed spell casting. there's the mystery bag that one's exciting 300 gold pieces you don't know what's going to be in it I'm really eyeball in that mystery bag there's the pocket spa for 900 gold pieces which pops out and whenever you take a short rest you can chill out in this little spa tent and regain extra hit points when you recover uh yeah there's a lot of good stuff on offer griffie you'd be straight with me yeah is that $300 mystery bag worth it do you what's the point of it being a mystery bag If I'm going to ruin it. If I ruin the mystery, Travis, then it's just a bag.

Let me ask you this, Griffin. When he finds the mystery bag on the shelves, what does he say? It is a... Yes, paints us a word picture. It is a patchwork, leather bag, small. And it's about the size of a fantasy softball. And there is some sort of spherical object inside. Does it literally or figuratively call to me?

Am I looking at it and thinking, finally I am complete? No, you know what? You know what? It does. It calls out to you. Magnus, you feel the calling. Well, if he doesn't buy it, I will. Maybe it's just your curiosity.

Maybe it's something deeper and more spiritual. Are you both looking at it? I'm thinking about it seriously. Is this some kind of like the earth bag that drives people insane? Magnus, you're looking at it? Yeah. Okay, while they're looking at it, I buy the pocket spa and dip. All right, so you're buying the pocket spa?

I'm buying the pocket spa. Do we not have any gold from last time? I don't know. You got to monitor that yourself. Yeah, I cannot keep track of that shit for you. So that's 900. So I guess you're spending 200 of your voucher and your other 700 gold. How did he spend another 200?

What do you mean? No, I specifically waited until you guys were looking at the back. That's when I checked out. Oh. You have no idea. Guys, Will, you see the spa I bought for 700. You got to give you a great deal. Yeah, you got a great deal.

For me, Garfield, the deals wore off. You made it. I've made it into your game. It's our first cross-universe character. I'm a new hire here at the fantasy Costco. The benefits are terrible. Dad, we, I should mention it, Dad. We do a comedy advice show called My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

On that show, we have a new character that I've been invented named Garfield the Deals Warlock that appears whenever deals are made. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Is it doing well for you? Not really. Not really. Some solid response.

Spins them up and down. Good. Okay. All right, I'm eyeballing the mystery bag and the lenses straight creeping, but I also want that the tankard of potent drink. Oh, show, why don't you just take everything in the store without paying for any of them? I'll give you $700 for those three items in total. I think you should have to roll to haggle, right?

Yes, yes. Prepare to contest me, Garfield the Deals werelock, and a test of mercantire wits. What is that? How that be? What does it fall under? Charisma, I guess. Okay. Garfield the Deals Warlock has plus 50 charisma.

Oh, I roll the 13 plus 1. I roll 15. As someone who has personally interacted with Garfield to the Dills Warlock twice, I can personally attest that he does not have plus vindy charisma. No, he only has plus two charisma. And he rolled a six, so eight. Okay.

Fine. What's in the mystery bag? Don't tell my boss, though. Don't tell, I know I'm called the Deals Warlock, but then we have... Everybody answers to somebody. But we have a very strict bottom. It really disappointed me that the deals of Warlock has to consider petty earth concerns like margin.

That's very bad. Gotta keep the lights on. Okay, Merle, what do you want to pick up? What's in the mystery bag? Oh, right. You crack open the mystery bag. And inside is a glass sphere, almost like a... You would find in a, like a snow globe.

And it is filled with water. And floating in that water is a goldfish. Oh, finally. And that's it. What is it? Do you? It's a goldfish. You have a pet.

Get off my back. This could not have worked out any better for you. Okay. Is it a, I'm going to name the goldfish Stephen. Stephen, okay. Stephen the goldfish. Travis, I thought you would be psyched about this. I'm pretty psyched, Griffin, but it is very much like the feeling when a kid is begging for a dog and the parents like bring home a goldfish.

Well, if you show that you're... 400 gold pieces for the fish. Oh, my God. It's my fish. All right. Okay, so you've got, you got Stephen. You got a tankard of putting... Stephen.

Q. Fletcher, Esquire, the goldfish is the first. full title. Lord Stephen K. Fletcher, Esquire, the goldfish, the third. You got your lens of straight creeping. Okay. Make sure you write this shit down, please. I'm writing it down right now. Okay. And Merle.

Only one mystery bag? Yeah, that was the only mystery bag. Wow. Sorry, man, this is like survivor auction rules, baby. Well, I tell you what, I'm, I, if you're still in the Hagland mood, I'll give you all 700

for the ring of recall. Because anytime I can retrieve a used spell slot. Yeah, so it's not any spell. It's if you cast a spell and it fails. Right. I don't lose the spell slot. Okay. I understand.

It's a good ring. I wish I'd seen that one. Well, I got my spa. It's such a deal in that spa. What a bargain, right? Just kick it over it. I'm out here in the spa, by the way. Oh, I go on the spa.

May I join you in the spa? Join me in the spa. All right. You're in the spa. It's beautiful. There's a fountain. Can I call it a chill out tent? Yeah, it's your chill out tent.

There's a fountain. I have a little orange juice. There's a mud bath. It's actually bigger on the inside than on the outside. There's some sort of interdimensional stuff going on. But yeah, it's lovely in there. What's like the thing from... There's Chadee playing nonstop.

There's nonstop Chade. It's bigger on the inside like the Targis that, um... I think it's Tarmus. The Tarmus. I shall meet you in a test of wits as well. Wits and wagers. If you so choose, but if you lose, your first child is mine. Goodbye, Justin.

All right. I will have your child, he says. He rolled a 16, plus 2 is 18. Wow. Are you tough enough? He says. We'll see. Wits and wages, he yells, apropos of nothing.

So a 20? I rolled a 10. No. That one is 11. I will name him, Gregory. Or her. If only, you could somehow come up with an extra 100 gold pieces. Here, I have an extra 100 gold you can use.

You got the, you got the spot for six. 600 gold? Taco, that's amazing. That's incredible. What did you roll? He looks at Taco and says, yeah, he really, he really beat me in a test of wits and wages. And winks, winks at taco over and over, just winking, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. Yeah.

Okay. What do I do with the hundred, the hundred gold? You trade it in for goods and services. What are you talking about? There's nothing left. The ring of recall. The ring of recall. I'm giving you the hundred.

need to buy it. Oh, yeah. Thanks. Yeah, no problem. You're welcome, Christian Bale. But remember, you owe me. This is alone. This whole time I'm sitting in the spa singing to Stephen.

Okay. We're starting to bond. There's definitely a connection being here. And Stephen's starting to parboils. As you sing, as you sing to Stephen, the ball seems to pulsate with magic. No, it's just a goldfish. Okay, so you've got the ring of recall.

Leveling off time, let's make this brisk. I'm going to bump you all up to six. Let me get my player's handbook. Let's make sure to do this right. Everybody's going to get extra hit points. Yeah, I've already got mine all sorted out. Yeah, I did my hit points, too. Just to streamline.

Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, cool. So I, at level five... Oh, your shit's about to pop off. Yeah. Yeah, the fighter gets some pretty awesome shit, y'all. So you need to get some extra hit points. Have you rolled that already?

Yeah. I've got both of those done. I've got everything done. So at level five, the fighter gets the ability to roll an extra attack. So basically I get two attacks per turn. And if I use action surge, I could hypothetically attack three times in one turn. Now it's important to note that it is, you get double your attacks when you take an attack. action. So you cannot take an action and then get a bonus attack. It is if you choose to attack,

you attack twice. You can't, you can't like mix and match your actions. And then at the level six, I got ability score improvement. So I brought my wisdom to 10, making my modifier zero instead of negative one. Cool. Good call. Because that was starting to hurt. I rolled my hit point dice and brought my max hit point total up to 57. Nice. And then I also realized that I was not putting the right attack bonuses on everything. So it's even across the board. Nice.

One other thing, all three of you, the proficiency bonus that you have that has been plus two this whole time is now plus three. Correct. So that's going to change a lot of stuff for everybody. Basically, if you're proficient in a skill and you make a check with that skill, now you get an extra thing to that. Or if you cast a spell, you're proficient in spell casting, you get an extra plus one to your spell casting attempts. So your attacks with weapons, your proficient end, that's an extra one there also. So everybody, this move up to level five

and then up to level six is a pretty big one. But that's for attack bonus, not damage type, right? Exactly. Right. Right. Right. Okay. Um, I think that's it for you. I think that's it for me as well. So I roll my hit points. I got 37 hit points now. Whatever. Why are you so dismissive of that? I'm not, I'm just like, it's not that interesting or funny. I got 37 hit points. That's me. Okay.

And so Griffin laughed, like some kind of anime character. My, uh, everybody remembers what my, um, what type of magic I do, right? Transmutation? Thank you. Okay. So you clearly did not. At level six, I can spend eight hours creating a transmuter stone. that stores transmutation magic.

I can benefit from the stone myself or give it to another creature. This creature gains a benefit of my choice as long as the stone is in the creature's possession. That includes dark vision out of a range of 60 feet, an increase of speed up to 10 feet, proficiency in constitution saving throws resistance to acid, cold fire, lightning, or thunder damage. And each time I cast a transportation spell of first level or higher, I can change the effect of the stone if the stone is on my person. Okay, so cool, you can create a little thing

that... It's like a power gym. Right, you can make a little power gym and then I think the damage resistance one probably be helpful. If you're like in a volcano fighting fire monsters, then you can make yourself resistant to fire damage. Cool. Nice, so by moving up to level six, you also,

your proficiency bonus is now three also. And that'll affect stuff across the board. And you also now can cast third level spells. And I assume that you get some new spells that you need to learn and write down. I'll do that in my private time. Okay. Cool.

I think that's it for you. Whoop. Okay. It says at level, at fifth level, I got Destroy Undead. Yeah, so that's dope.

I don't think you've had to use this spell yet, but you have a, you can use an ability called channel divinity, which you can only do a couple of times or so per day. And you can channel your divinity to do something special particular to your domain. So I think for like the nature domain, you can use it to like influence plants and animals or you can use it to cast a spell called turn undead, which you cast into a big group of zombies that are shuffling at you. And it makes them run away. It makes

them get away from you. With level five, now that spell becomes destroy undead, where if it affects any weak undead things, so like a puny skeleton or a weak zombie or something, they are instantly destroyed. They are instantly killed. That is in my spell list, or is that... No, that is totally separate from your spells. You don't burn a spell slot or anything channeling divinity. It's just something you can do.

It's situational, but if you're ever in a situation where you guys are being surrounded by zombies, you cast this spell and whatever it hits, basically, it's going to insta-kill. Okay. Oh, okay. So starting at level six, you can channel divinity twice per day, and you get a new feature based on your domain, which is the nature domain, your big pan fan. Right. So, starting at sixth level, this is a feature called dampen elements.

Starting at sixth level, whenever you or a creature within 30 feet of you takes acid, cold, fire, lightning, or thunder damage, you can use your reaction to grant resistance to the creature against that instance of the damage. So you guys are fighting some sort of lightning wizard guy, and he hits Magnus with lightning magic, you can as a reaction, which is something basically you do between turns, you can have that damage. Or if somebody gets hit with fire damage, you can have that damage. Have as in cut in half, not take it on myself.

Right. You cut the damage in half that anybody takes like that. All right. What's that called? It's called dampen elements. So just remember, anytime anybody takes any kind of elemental damage, you can cut it in half, which is pretty helpful for a... cleric. Do the hit points change?

Yeah. So roll a D8. Do you get any kind of modifier to it? Yeah, plus your constitution modifier. Yeah. Did you not do that, Juse? No. So add your constitution modifier twice to your total HP. Okay, so I rolled a seven. Okay, plus your constitution modifier.

Two. Is two, so that's nine, and then do it again. Okay. I rolled a five and a seven. So 16 total gets added to your total. Okay. I might edit out those rolls. You just got 16 more total hit points. Okay.

You also, last thing, you learn two more nature spells at level five, which is plant growth and wind wall. I don't know what those do, but I'm sure you'll find a use for them. Okay. I think that's it. Yeah. So nothing but hit points goes up, right? So, right. Travis is the only one who got, at level six, got some extra ability.

points. I think you guys get some at level 8. All right. But your proficiency bonus went up too. Your proficiency bonus went up up. All right. I'll crunch the numbers for you guys. Thanks. Yeah. Should be pretty easy. Man, I wish there was a D&D Insider app. Do you think any

Wizards of the Coast people listen to our podcast that can do that shit for us please? All of them? Even the Magic the Gathering people? Yep. Have you guys listened to our Magic the Gathering podcast? It is not very good. Macle Magic? Mackle Magic is what it is called.

We do not even have a rudimentary grasp of the rules. No. No, and Griffin keeps shuffling Pokemon cards into his deck. I tap two Swamp Energy and in his Charzart. And the Charzart's fighting a blue-eyes-white dragon. That was a Yu-Gi-O reference. Bye, everybody. See you next week.

In two weeks. Here on Dork Patrol. Thanks for listening to Dork Patrol you. See you in two weeks. The end of Dork Patrol. We're taking our Doritos and going. home. We drunk up all your mountain do. Now we're headed down the road. It's the end of Dark Patrol. Hateful. Just hateful. A hateful song.

Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey everyone. We're the flop house. One of the newest additions to the Maximum Fun podcasting network. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin. What is the flop house? You may very well. Well, ask. We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast? Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying, one, we've been doing this show for over seven years, long before the entire premise of our show was a cliche. And two, shut up.

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