The Adventure Zone - Ep. 20. Petals to the Metal - Chapter Three

Episode Date: July 30, 2015

In this installment, the question isn't 'Will our heroes survive,' it's, 'What's going to kill them first?' Our money's on either the elevator shaft full of sentient vines, or the godlike criminal waiting for them at the top of said shaft. Magnus has an embarrassing pants accident. Taako runs out of juice. Merle goes walking in Memphis. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. There's a grand relic one of our seekers have found, and it is in the possession of a master criminal known as the Raven. The Gaia sash gives the wearer control over nature. Taco and Magnus, the door shuts to the elevator, and your elevator adventure begins. You see vines have broken in through the first floor and are almost like filling up the elevator shaft like water.

Rope trick. Sure enough, there is a just sort of black hole 60 feet above you. It has lowered itself into your elevator car. The vines grab onto the elevator and collapses and falls, and all of a sudden you are supporting tacos full weight. And so the three of you are now hanging. So this scene was really great. This looks like the Goonies.

Goonies never say die, but dungeon masters do. It's the Adventure Zone. I cannot wait to hear. It's been, let's take the listeners backstage. It's been about three weeks since we record. Don't take it backstage. It's all messy. No, I, well, that's, whose fault is that?

I mean, it's mine. Like, I left my water bottle lying around. There's like a half eating candy bar at my station. And all your Legos. All my Legos. How am I supposed to be in character without my Legos, Griffin? It's in my rider. It's been over, it's been like 21 days since our last.

episode and I can't wait to hear how you plan to get out of this predicament. I reached up to the giant's face and then I plucked the golden dagger from within my sheath and I bury it and I say in the words of my people, Al-a-Kachong, which is an ancient phrase that means this is for the-Kachong. This is for Kachong the knight and Kachich. And Kach-Kach-Kich and Kach-Kach, the two knights-errant that you slayed. I think you have become untethered from our time stream. Because that is, that is in a few check. I'm going on.

And that is some good stuff, though. Okay, I remember, at that moment, I remember that I have a solitary silver bullet resting in the chamber. And I spin to the steam beast and I say, this one's for pa-paw. You're litter. This is for my pa-pac-chong. You've gone all DC convergence on us. You are. Steam Beast is next week.

Okay. This week, you are in an elevator shaft without an elevator in. Can I say something? I wish I said something funnier than Steam Beast. Isn't that seem lazy in the moment? No, Steam Beast was really good. I was trying to sum up some like Cthulu type shit. No, no, no.

Steam Beast is good for the fan art. Yeah, it's evocative. Steambeast is the new Cthulu. Is it made of steam? Is it a steam punk? Steam powered. I'm still in the fucking pre-Alpha stage on this. this guy. Don't ask me a bunch of questions about it.

Besides, I have to write, before any of my creations, I have to write the full description and then mail it to myself to prevent copyright infringement. Before we get started, I went back and listened to the last two episodes because I really like listening to myself do stuff. Yeah, sure, yeah. And I, and Justin and Dad, I think maybe there's a connection between all those eyes on the moon and the spiritual being things that Justin

saw in the extra-dimensional plane. Yeah, I thought that at the time. Okay. That doesn't, so this is... Is it because I used a lot of the same words to describe them? Yeah. Yeah. So this has been our Adventure Zone recap wrap-up fancast, where we talk about our own podcast

and theories about the show that we make ourselves. You three are in an elevator shaft. The elevator has fallen. Magnus, you are hanging on to a rope that was fantastically. created by, or it wasn't created, it was fantastically suspended in the air through an extra-dimensional portal by Taco, who I'm worried

about his relationship with extra-dimensional portals. I think it's going to be a, I think maybe we're going to need to have an intervention episode here in a couple months or so. You are hanging on to... I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so scared.

You are hanging on to the very edge of this rope. And hanging on to your ankle is Taco. And hanging on to Taco's ankle after an unsuccessful rescue attempt is Merle. Below you, not too far below you, constantly growing, constantly filling this shaft is a bed of living vines that are wriggling furiously underneath you. There are about two floors below you. You are trapped between the 11th and 12th floor. and you were originally heading to the vault on the 20th floor before you were assailed by this harbor. For the last 21 days, since we first got stuck in this elevator shaft, I've been writing on my vision board.

I've been putting the energy out into the world to save us. And I've been using everything I learned from the secret. So now I think we are just saved. Let me roll. Okay, I roll the 14 plus the secret 36. What you don't know is in the interim, these living vines have also been creating a vision board. And their vision board is to consume you and destroy you. But what did they roll?

Oh, they rolled a 22, which is weird because the dice only has 20 numbers on it. And then plus the vision, it's a lot. Okay. Well, I have an idea. Can't wait to hear it? Okay. I can't, you know, I cast Speak to Plants and it was successful, and this is basically the same plant, right? I think you might be out of Speak to Plants Juice, because you can do that. I think you can do that twice a day. And I think you have talked to...

It's the same day. Right, and you have talked to two plants today. Let me look at that. No, I'm looking right here. It doesn't say anything about two plants. No, listen, you... you sex talk to the vines outside. You laid down some nags and you you displayed some true pickup artist prowess. And then you talked to that tree and you sort of taunted him

about how you're about to kill him. But see, I feel there's a connection there. I think the swarmy talk was a connection. And all I want to do is tell them that we're plants too. And all we want is some photosynthesis action. if they'll just, and it's right up there, come on guys, and maybe they'll lift us up to the 20th floor.

That's all I'm saying. Your words fall on deaf buds. Okay, Merle, you climb Taco and climb me, and then Taco, you climb me, and then we'll all climb the robe. Okay. I would overrule Dad's talking to plants regardless, because I can't be that close to that again. Yeah, yeah.

I've been in some severe. therapy. You obviously have not been reading face Twitter because the face Twitter people Oh yeah, they've hashtagged it out for sure. On Twitter book. Yeah, all over the place. Are you going to try my body? All right, I'll climb, I'll climb.

Okay, so this is going to require an athletics check from the climber and then probably a strength check from the climb e? I'm very strong. We'll say a low string check. Can you remind me to order one more time to know? Magnus at the top, Taco in the middle, Merle at the bottom. Good, good, good, good. This is a bad plan.

So, do I roll? Taco, could you cast like levitate or make somebody lighter? And then I could climb, like, Andro is giant. Are you asking Justin? Are you asking Taco? Taco. Can you make somebody lighter so I can Andre Giant the shit? I like this Errol Flynn return of the Errol Flynn Magnus voice.

A lot of people want that. This is Golden Age Magnus. You've recone Magnus. He was sick. He had fantasy laryngitis for the past few episodes. All right, so Travis, let's return to the, if you just one more time in character, sorry, kind of get the role playing going. Just one more time.

Sorry. Taco, can you levitate or lighten something so that I can Andre the Giant this shit? No. Okay. Asked an answer, I suppose. I'm out of spell slots. I'm out of time reversal cubes. No, I, but I, this, that's a very funny bit we just did, but I am, uh, I am actually out of them. So you guys just want to take like an extended rest on this rope?

What's the deal? I want to climb your body. Oh, good Lord. Hey, it was your suggestion. The vines are now about 15 feet below you All right, what do I roll? You're rolling an athletics check, which is a D20,

and you add your athletics modifier, and then the other two boys are going to roll a strength check. All right. Okay, can I, I want to call BS on the strength check, because I've been supporting his weight to this point. I don't see why that should be altered by the climbing of me.

How about this? I don't have to roll a 10. How about this? it's a tickle check because he's got those little door fingers he's going to be rubbing them all over your body and you're going to be getting... You're going to be getting tickled really bad

so that's actually going to be a constitution check and it doesn't help the fact that while I climb I'm going giddy, giddy, giddy, kitty. Yeah, yeah, he's good... Well, that's a dwarfing climbing technique and get your fingers deep in it. All right, well, my constitution's a bit better, so that's okay. Well, I rolled a 15 plus 4.

Okay, 19. 19 for me too. Wow, geez, I rolled a 13 plus 7 for strength. Or plus five for a constitution. Well, no. Yeah, yeah. Well, either one. Okay, all successful.

Merle, you do a little tickle, tickle climbing maneuver, like a... Giddy-Giddy. Like some sort of prankster goat scaling the sheer face of a mountain. And you make it up, Taco, and you make it up, Magnus. And now you are above Magnus. You got your hands on the rope.

Just as a reminder, I'm into this plan. The portal that you created, if memory serves taco is 60 feet up. Yes. Which wouldn't bring you all the way to the top. It would bring you to about floor 18. Okay, well, we don't need to get to the top. Yeah, we just need to get to something else.

412 is where we're headed, right? Yeah. To get to it. No, 12 has been taken over by vines. Oh, that's right. That's why Merle's up here. Oh, so we need to get higher. Okay.

Lucky floor 13, I always say. How far do I climb? Um, you, you, uh, let's just say you've climbed up above, uh, you've gotten about, you've gotten about 10 feet over Magnus to give some room for, for tacos. So I guess you can establish your own rope order. Uh, talk of you're going to try the same sort of maneuver to get up Magnus and get on this rope. Okay. Yeah, that sounds good. Climb my frame. One more check from you two. Oopsie-dopsy. Um, the Constitution? What's the, Constitution? What's the? a modifier on this? For you it's athletics. Okay. For me, it's Constitution. No, you don't have to do shit, Merle.

Oh, that's right. Okay. Well, five. Ooh. That wasn't in my character voice. Five. Okay. Five was your total?

Five was my total. Twelve was my total, like, Constitution. Oh, good. You hang in there real good. Um, should I, like, try to grab him. Wait, wait.

Why did I have... Okay, so that was just me climbing a rope, right? No, that was you climbing Magnus. Yeah. Okay, so we're like... If you threw a five, like, your face is right in his butt. Okay, so I, yeah, five is the role. Okay.

You attempt to scale Magnus, but you place one errant hand on his belt. It's not a weight-sustaining belt, and you pull his pants to his ankles. And as his pants fall, so do you into the bed of living vines. Now, hold on. Now, how far away is that? It's not just going to slip right over my shoes.

Now I think he's just hanging around my ankles off of my pants. I know, sort of the shock of your pants hitting the feet. It is jarring, and you lose your grip, and you begin to fall into the bed of living life. How far of a fall do I get here? About 15 feet. into this bed of living vines. Soft living vine. Do I have time to get a spell off?

You do, yeah, sure. As you are falling toward this bed of living vines. This is, I'm trying to describe sort of the action of what these vines are doing. It's kind of like, like imagine water spilling into this chamber. These vines are just filling the chamber up. So there is a little bit of, as you land, it is a soft landing. It's a soft landing on some, there's some give to the vegetation, and you're sort of suspended above it, but these vines are, uh, these vines will overtake you, are they undulating?

Oh, God. Taco, what do you, what are you hoping to do here? Uh, well, sir, I'm trying to, um, yeah, I'm just trying to just think, I'm just to thinking it through here. And, uh, if you just give me one second to come up with what I'm doing, I'll just tell you what I'm doing. Do we still have the feather dusting? What?

You never had it. The feather dust. I have a. feather duster, but it's not hugely helpful to me, because that would just slow fall. So, like, I think if I, like, gently caressed into their bodies, like, I think that would still

upset them in a pretty major way. Could you use your umbrella and, like, pop-ins it? Yeah, I'm just going to cast blink. Okay, so, oh, man, I don't even know the ramifications of that. So you are blinking...

You're blinking out of this plane of existence. Peace. But you're still going to be in Vine, Vine Town, right? Well, no, because the thing with Blink is, when I cast Blink, I vanish from this plane, and I can, I return to an unoccupied space of my choice that I can see within 10 feet of the space I vanished from.

So I can disappear and then reappear, you know, up at that old rope. Okay. Just grab it. Why didn't you just do that before you pull my pants off? That wouldn't have helped anybody. So you...

It would have helped my dick. You failed your role in a pretty, yeah, in a pretty major way, and you fell into this vegetation. Didn't fall into it, fell towards it. Okay, you fell towards it,

and then you blinked. Are you just sort of floating in mid-air in the ether space then? Yeah, I'm in the ethereal plane. Okay. Is that not the, same place where the hole is? What?

No, it's a different plane. I think he has access to multiple, multiple planes. Yeah, I'm in a lot of planes right now. Okay, so I railroad 14. Oh, God. So that gets me into the ethereal plane. Okay, poof. Poof.

He disappears. Before he is consumed by the vines, he vanishes. The vines grow about another five feet, so they are now about 10 feet below you, Magnus. And Merle, you're about 10 feet up above Magnus. You're close actually to the door to floor 13. Is there like a little ledge in front of the door? Is there any kind of... Nope, it's a...

It's a sheer sort of face. It's not... There's nothing to really get a good grab onto. And tell me about the door? Is it closed as hell? Oh yeah, it's super duper closed. What's it made out of? Metal.

Okay. Now, is it something that we could swing into and maybe smash through? Oh, the old wrecking ball trick. Well, it is like a metal door, and it's like the door doesn't swing open because it's an elevator. You know how like elevator doors? Listen, DM, you got to work with this year. We've got to get out of the shaft that doesn't go up to the top.

Give me something. I mean... Nobody's going to listen to this show, Griffin, and say, man, I wish I'd spent longer in that elevator shop. Really was enjoying that. A lot of levels, literally. Is a manual coming up on the top of the plants? Uh, no, you cannot see him. He's been, he has been consumed.

Damn it. You need to be more careful with your belongings. I've told you this. I've, I, I literally told you that seconds before you lost in it. I wrote my name on it. I mean, I ought to be able to get it back. If lost, please return this crowbar to some guy. Okay, I'm going to roll a perception check.

Okay. Nice. I rolled a 13 plus zero. Okay, everything is shitty. This whole situation sucks for you. Uh, no, with that actually, with that perception check, you can actually hear, uh, sort of a, uh, you, you hear the sound of something sort of rubbing up against this door on floor 13. Stephen? Who?

My fish. No, your goldfish wouldn't be on the other end of the door. Oh, yeah, he's in my pocket. Yeah, that's right. Trave, why don't you swing back and forth and maybe we could, I can make the jump to the door? there's nothing really for you to there's nothing really for you to grab onto there yeah the problem is it's closed from our side

and not so we gotta have to figure out a way to get well I think yeah but I mean I probably can't reach the door but maybe if Travis swings back and forth from the bottom a la the pendulum yeah I can get close enough to whack it okay I do that okay so you start to sort of swing back and forth giving uh giving Merle a little bit of momentum

he's a bit higher up on the rope so he's not, you know, going as far as you are at the bottom of it. But you're swinging back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Your pants are down. And are you free-balling? Yeah. My dick and balls are out and everything. But that's helping the momentum, if you know what I mean.

It should be some good fan art. Okay. So your whole business is out. Oh, yeah. I'll just knock out the door with my wiener. Okay. So your whole zone is out, and your whole adventure zone is out, and you are swinging back and forth to give Merle,

some momentum. And Merle, you're just going to try and clobber your way through the door with your, with your trusty Warhammer? Yes, I am. Okay. I guess make an attack roll against it. Okay. Let me sure.

I can't go wrong. All right. That would be 2D8 plus 2? That's your damage. Oh, okay. All right. So, roll of 20? Yes.

And add strength? Add, there should be a, on your, sheet it should say what else you add to it so it's plus five okay but but you're still rolling a d20 to see if it hits right yes okay okay all right see if it hits first and then uh she that's gonna not be good that's a three three yeah okay so you uh you are uh coming in at this door hot you rear back your warhammer you yell something aggressive and threatening in Dwarven, and you bring it in full speed down on the door. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

That rolled a D-10. Save by the bell. No. No. That one. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. I'll tell you. Yep. Oh, man. Your plan worked perfectly. Roll the wrong one. Save by the bell. Oh, my God.

Sorry. Nine. Fuck me, running. Though, we must all. admit, significantly better than three. Nine plus two. Okay, with an 11, you bring your hammer down on the door and it dints in slightly. It doesn't, it doesn't create a hole big enough for anybody to get through, although you can kind of see through the cracks. And what you see through the crack in the door that you have just

made is a lot of vines. Excellent. Excellent. All right. Climb up, old man. That's a pretty good canary in the mine shaft, though. So we know we need to climb higher, basically. Climb up.

Taco, are you going to get out of the... Are you going to Banff back up on to you? You got to come get me, man. I'm chilly here. I left a daquery over on this side, so I'm just like... The vines have almost caught up with the bottom of the road. They're about five feet below. And in fact, Magnus...

That's the case. They got his pants. Magnus, with your pants around your ankles, one vine has actually sort of lifted up like a snake charmer from this bed and is going to rear back and strike at you. But it only rolls a 10, which is not going to do it. No, it does not. I lift my legs up and do a very impressive crunch. What are you doing?

I'm tightening my core to raise my legs up out of the way. Okay, you raise your legs up out of the way. way. Your keys fall out of your upside down, down to pants. No, because I've got snap button pockets. Oh, shit. Sorry. Your wallet falls out of your pants, but the wallet chain catches it. Yep.

The bottom of its art. All right. Fannie pack dangles. Your dog, your comical cat in the hat, hat falls to the ground. Your devil sticks come from somewhere and just careen towards the bottom. All right. Listen, it's time to climb. Hey, hem. Listen, it's time to climb this rope. Get up it, motherfuckers.

Okay. Because I think what I want to do, just so you boys know, is I want to Phantom Fist punch a door. Okay. And that's... Why don't you climb then? Because you got like 10 feet. Because I'm on the bottom, and that door is... Got vines behind it. We don't want to go in there. So we need to move to the next level and see if there's... If it's...

All right. I'm going to move this for it. Dad, climb. Okay. We got to climb. Yeah, just make an athletics check and tell me where you're going. It'll be a pretty easy one because you're not climbing up a person and you're climbing a rope. Okay. Nine plus four, 13.

Fine. I got 15. All right, where are you all going? And Taco, I got to warn you, the vines have caught up with the rope. If you're going to bamf up to it, you're not going. I've reappeared 10 feet up the rope. Okay. I want to go to floor 14.

Okay. That's where I'm going. floor 14. Taka, you're going to need to make an athletic soul too. That's a natural 20. Hell yeah. You're holding on to it with your toes. Yeah. Okay, so you've moved up to floor 14.

Okay, I want to punch it. Okay. Are you guys going to try and give him some momentum? Yep. And we got two of us now. Okay, you got two of you. You guys are swinging back and forth at floor 14. Back, forth.

Back forth. Come on, hurry. Okay, I got a 15 plus 7.22. Okay, that plus the natural effects of the phantom fist, you blow the doors backwards, which is weird because again, they do not swing. These are sliding doors. So powerful, so effective is the phantom fist. And as you do, the three of you sort of tumble out of the elevator shaft onto TerraFerma, well, it's not. Exactly terra firma.

The building is still sort of being terra flora. It's getting, it's still being assaulted. And the... And thus the elevator battle ends. We've done it. Level up. You have arrived on a floor that is a lot of cubicles, basically. Maybe it's, I don't know.

This is where the boring business gets done. It's just sort of your standard office base. The boring bank business, not the sexy bank business. Right. All the sexy stuff happens in the lobby. This is just mostly like watercoolers. There's a few water coolers. There's some motivational posters. Does anyone hate Mondays?

It seems like everybody does. There's nobody on this floor, though. Dilbert. That is just yelled Dilbert. Just so I can understand the sort of business we've infiltrated here, this is a kind of bank where it does all the money stuff down there where people come in the building. and does like the more pedestrian things higher up. Is that right?

Yeah, that's right. Okay, got it. Sort of just like a, just sort of your standard bank. Just a bank. Just a real banksy bank. Can we do a Travis Pulley's Damn Pants Up check? Yeah, can I check this? Oh, I roll the zero.

I don't know what to tell you. I roll a perception check and notice that Merle is, or Magnus, is a smooth down there like E. And that's Canon and lore. No, I already said my business was out. Wait, hold on. Oh, I wrote, I have a very impressive penis. No, there's no, no, no, no, uh-uh. That was before the vine reached up snake-like.

It has lopped off his genitalia, and he is smoothed on their lickety. Cannon, locked. Locked. Um, but before I, before I pull up my pants, I want everyone to notice that I'm wearing me undies. I'm incredibly comfortable. Oh, no, excuse me, I'm wearing yee undies. Yee undies.

Okay. This is of our podcast brought to you. I roll a perception check just to see what we can see now. We're standing up. It's a 17. Some stuff, probably like two or some shit. No, I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

I'll tell you. Don't be like that. Don't be like that. Nah, be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. One.

So 18. Okay. With an 18, you see a few things. First of all, like on the other floors, floor 14, has the, access to the stairs directly next to the elevator shaft. Floor 14 also have some windows looking outward on the exterior walls of the room, not the wall that you are closest to that you just swung through. But the other walls are mostly windows, and through those windows, you cannot see much daylight.

You see vines sort of constricting around the building, although they have not broken through to take over this floor quite yet. So, DM, remind me, our goal is to get up to the top floor. That's, as far as we know, that's where it feels like this is all going to kind of go down, right? Yeah. 20th floor. There's not been anything to indicate to this point that there would be any civilians throughout these floors or anything of interest between floor 14 and floor 20. You haven't, I mean, you haven't seen any civilians now.

So should we just like head up the stairs to the top floor? floor and like bypass all the other floors. Boy, that's sure would make my job easier. I mean, that would keep me from needing to describe five more office. That feels kind of on the nosy. Yeah, let's just go to the stairs. Yeah. Okay.

Or is that too easy? Oh. Is that maybe he wants us to do it. Oh, maybe he wants us to think. It's not one of the, one of the floor thinking that we think that it's too easy, but it is in fact just the right amount of easy. What if this whole thing is just a game? as the three of you are debating

whether or not you should stop at every floor a giant plant burst through the open elevator ship to the wall it is in fact a venous flytrap oh okay I was going to make you fight a venous flytrap

no I'll be I'll fly a venice yeah yeah maybe it'll have some gold no we're on the stairs that you guys are on the stairs did you guys see that That's the power that I wield.

I can will a Venus flytrap into existence. And then I can just evaporate him. Did we see, like, right before you did that, like, a dawning awareness in its eyes like this was, that it was going to wink it a nothingness? Yeah, it knew. It had a very, very quick existential crisis. Please don't let me die. Feed me, Seymour. I don't want to go back to the void.

Okay. So cold. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin, Mac. You're a dungeon master and your very good friend. Thank you so much for listening to Episode 20 of The Adventure Zone. My apology is if you hear some sort of grinding sound, that just started from outside. I think somebody is building a smaller house in front of my house.

Thank you all so, so, so much for sharing the show, for leaving reviews for the shows on iTunes. If you haven't done that already, it really does help us out a lot and people have been so kind already with their reviews. If you want to end up as a character on the show, tweet about the show using the Zs, Zonecast hashtag, and you might luck out. We still have a couple more characters to meet in this adventure arc, so get those tweets in now, and you could end up mingling with our heroes. I have a personal message here. If you want to get a personal message to somebody else or for your small business on the show,

go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron. It's really easy to sign up for a slot on the show, and we will read your message. Like this one here, this message is for Tristan, Lara, and Ainsley, and it's from Big. And Big says, thanks so much for your hospitality this summer. I loved seeing you and look forward to doing it again soon, and perhaps actually meet an awake Ainsley this time. You're missed in Boston and on the Munt and Flip teams, but it's great to see you doing so well. Also, thanks for introducing me to the Adventure Zone. It's pretty great.

Excelsior! He actually, that was in... the message. I didn't just like get excited about something and yell out Stan Lee's catchphrase. Thank you so much Tristan Lara and Ainsley for spreading the good word. And Ainsley, I'm so sorry for your sleeping sickness. That's it for this commercial break. I'm going to let you all get back to the episode. The next episode of the Adventure Zone will be up on Thursday, August 13th. So I will talk to you all then. Bye. So you guys are schlepping up to the 20th floor? Yep, seems that way.

It is an uneventful, albeit somewhat exhausting, climb. Well, I guess there's only six flights of stairs, and you guys are like... Yeah, we just, like, hung off a rope and fought bad guys and shit. Yeah, okay. We can walk some stairs.

Yeah, you climb the stairs, and it is an uneventful climb to the 24. Floor 20. As, what? Floor 20. We're not going to say anything better than that. Griffin, we got to fight some... weeds at floor 20.

We have 30 more minutes to go, and we're not going to say anything better than that. Did you even think about that? I did. Okay. I did, but I wanted to pull the rip cord before Justin got to it. Well, well done. What are you guys talking about? Don't worry about it, Dad.

You guys emerge into the 20th floor. This is a somewhat smaller, dome-shaped, room, then the main foyer and the, uh, or sorry, foyer and the other floors that you have, uh, found yourself on, uh, on the far wall from the stairs that you have just, uh, exited from, uh, is a large circular window, uh, overlooking the city. This one does have some vegetation that's grown all over the outside of it, but it's not, uh, it hasn't completely blotted out the sun. And on the left side of the room, you see a few things.

You see a large hole in the wall, a large circular hole in the wall. And next to that, you see the giant heavy iron door that has more or less been ripped off of that hole by hundreds of really thick vines. It's almost like they reached up, grabbed it, and just sort of pop the top off of it. And you see all over the floor, you see papers, you see sacks of gold, you see tons of these iron lockboxes, just sort of scattered all over the floor. And like a carpet of vines has spread out from this vault. And standing over this sort of mess overlooking the, financial destruction that has been wrought.

You see a slender woman, maybe probably a half elf based on her stature, wearing black leather armor. And on her face, she was wearing a black feathered mask resembling a raven. It's not like a, not like a masquerade mask. It almost looks like a weird. realistic raven face mask. And around her waist is a belt that is woven from these brown reeds that kind of clashes with the rest of her black ensemble. You feel like maybe somebody never had to talk with her.

Is she self-conscious about that? I am. I've created her, and I'm self-conscious about how she's clashing. but the three of you feel sort of a sort of a draw from the belt that she is wearing around her ways. Guys, we're looking for someone named the Raven, and she's got a Raven mask.

So what I'm saying is, maybe she's a fan. Without taking his eyes off of her, Magnus, just kind of whizzer us to them, hey, remember what happened to gun, Wait, let me drag it in the voice. Remember what happened to gungeon when he put on the glove? Yeah, there's not.

When he put on the glove and one little like bad shit cuckoo, that's probably like going on here. So, you know, we can try talking to her and everything. The three of you shouldn't be here, she says. Hey, as you talk at like regular, regular ass volume in the same room as her. The three of you shouldn't be here, she says. it oh oh um we didn't see any signs or anything um the door was open so we just came in the door was covered by vines it's not safe for the three of you to be we didn't did you guys see vines like i didn't see any vines there were no vines no no and we walked out to it was just open i'll try i can i can make the vines pull back and and give you an exit from the building but you need to go right now we It's not safe.

We're going to refinance, so we really need to get that done. Or else the bank's going to take our farm. Yeah, they're going to foreclose on our farm that we own together. When I'm done with this bank, there won't be anything left for them to give out. Your finances are lost, but your lives can be saved. Just go, go, she says. Raven, may I take a shot in the dark here? Do you have some beef with this bank outside of just like stealing the money?

Because it seems like there's money all over the ground here that you could be. taking, but you seem to be ignoring it in favor of some other article. I don't, I don't have any need for money anymore. I, I have become, I have become unto a God, she says, sort of, amused at her own godlike power. I cast sleep. Okay. What does that mean? I'm putting her to sleep.

Okay. Well, yeah. How do I, how do I resolve this? Well, let me see. Let me tell you real quick. Hold on. Sleeping. Sleeping. Sleaping. Says he begins to snore.

Okay, so I roll a 5D8, and the total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect. Okay. So, seven, four. 11. One, seven. Eight, 19. Five. Twenty-four.

Okay, she has way more than 24 hit points. Excellent. Okay, well, ignore me. Let's pretend like nothing happened. Kidding. I was practicing. She pulls from behind her a thorny whip, and she says, okay, I gave you the opportunity to leave. I didn't want to her.

We've seen something like this happened before, and the last time one of these articles, I say, pointing to the belt was in the head. There's nothing like this belt in the world. Trust me. Well, there was. There was this gauntlet. It leveled a whole city and thousands of people died because the person didn't listen to us. I can control what this is. I'm not worried.

No, I'm not worried. You look at yourself. There's thousands of vines everywhere. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I don't, yeah. Yes, I agree. It's totally rad. I'm, listen.

No, this is shit. I'm not going to give up the belt. I, uh, part of me wishes I could, but I'm telling, I am telling you there is literally no way I can give up this belt. This, this, I, I need this belt in a way that the three of you. Or your pants are fall down. I get it. My pants fell down a little bit earlier.

We've all been there. You lose a little weight or you bought some pants that you thought looked really good. But you knew there were two sizes too big when you bought it. And you said, when I'm cinch this, maybe I'm tailored. When I'm done here, I'm going to level this building to the ground. And the three of you don't want to be here when that happens. leave now. We don't have a way to leave, okay?

Our DM won't let us. We won't let us. If we leave, they'll revoke our sponsorship contracts. She says, that's not my problem. Let's smote this turd. Did you say that in character, or? No, Magnus says, look over there! And charges her.

Okay. Let's roll initiative. Oh, good. This is exactly how I was hoping this will play out. 19. 7. My first is a 16. I get two initiative roles.

Right. I guess I'll take the 16. Okay. First, I also just want to state right off the bat that all of Magnus's attacks will be non-lethal against her. Because so far, she hasn't made any moves against us. She hasn't heard anyone. No one's in danger. Magnus is all about justice.

I'm not just trying to kill her. Okay. So I'm trying to basically knock her unconscious. Boy, getting your Nards knocked off has really whipped you out. You've changed. Listen, respect above all else. I protect those you can't protect themselves. I respect justice.

That's Magnus's deal. Yeah, okay, Kendall. That's okay. That's fine. Magnus has a penis. Okay, so does the fight start? Are we fighting? Is this a fight?

We won. That was it. We did it. We're going to start. Okay. First in the order is The Raven. She holds up... I'm sorry. I rolled the 19. Yeah.

She's using a super powerful artifact. That has made her... Has made her onto a god. She is going to hold up her hand. That's not holding the whip in it. and aim it at Merle,

and she is going to cast... Actually, she's going to point out at all three of you, and she's going to cast Thunderwave. What are you rolling against? I'm not rolling. You guys are making a Constitution saving throw against her spellcasting saving modifier.

Okay. Well, Blark. That for me is 5 plus 6 11 I have a 10 No sorry That's a 9

I have a 4 5 plus 9 14 Wow you guys all beefed it She She She casts out a thunderous wave of force That since the three of you Flying backwards

To the back wall of this room Where you came out of and you are going to take a significant amount of damage. 12. All of you take 28 points of damage. Cool, cool. Totally sweet. Next, she...

28. 28 points of damage. I am bloodied, just like that. She is going to take another action and looks at Merle and holds up her whip and and casts Thornwit. I'm actually not bloody. Sorry, I just wanted to make that. Ooh, everybody.

Close call. She makes an attack roll against you. Okay, now I am going to use protection. Okay. What does that mean? So you have disadvantage against them. Okay, well, the first roll is a 26. And the second roll is a 22.

That hits you, I'm assuming, Merle? What's your AC? 18. 18. Okay, yeah, that's a hit. And you... She seems fairly strong. And you take...

21 points of damage. Snaples. Okay. Listen, we might have been a bit hasty with the smiting. How are you doing on health? Let's see. You said 21? Yeah.

Two points dead. Okay. She's going to take another action. and she's going to look at Taco and she is going to use Thorn Whip again. Is it she, does she understand that she's doing it to a corpse? Does it like bother her? Does it seem like great- Are you dead?

Oh, I'm negative five, baby. Oh, okay. I'm dead as disco. Well, I already had 23 from our previous excursion. Oh, that's right. Then she's going to... Wait, no, no, no, hold on. 23 from what?

the fight I guess we had with the vines down next year no you fought Trent you didn't yeah well the well what was the 23 from it had to be from Trent yeah you didn't you didn't rest no I thought we rested before we went up no homie you y'all rushed in

she's gonna attack Magnus then first role is a that's fine I didn't want to do this stupid podcasting weren't right first role is a 19 thanks donors you dip shits I mean 19 would hit

and you You can't force disadvantage an attack against your solid. That's correct. Okay. 16 points of damage. Okay. And she's done. Okay.

Well, I'm stuck at a crossroads because my compatriots are down, but I'm not like a healer. So I'm going to charge her. Okay. Run at her with my axe out. And I'm going to double hand strike. swing my axe at her. Okay. That's a 15 plus 7.22.

Okay. As you start to attack her, she claps her hands together and a gust of wind sort of throws you off balance and your strike goes easily, easily misses her to the side.

So she's going to pose impose disadvantage on you, so go ahead and try again. That is a 12. 12 plus 7, so 19. Okay, that hits. Cool. Let me get out some other dice here.

I'm glad he's happy. I mean, I'm not happy. Let's see, this is 5. Okay. D10 plus 6. So that's a 10 plus 6. 16. Okay.

You slash at her. You catch her in the right. shoulder and she looks she seems very surprised that you have managed to hit her and you take a chunk out of her leather armor and you see a little bit of like green blood flow out of the womb that you've created and then the wound and I'm gonna attack again oh okay I rear back my axe and then I grab the belt Okay. So that's a 17.

So is that side of hand or deception? Yeah, that's going to be a slight of hand check. Be careful that because that's going to, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, things got a thrall probably. Okay, 19. 19. Okay. You reach out and you put your hand on the belt. It doesn't have a clasp.

It's just made of these, uh, brown sort of like rubber tree reeds. Um, and as you reach out. reach out and touch it. Uh, what feels like 10,000 volts of electricity, uh, goes shooting through, uh, your body. Uh, her eyes in that instant, you can sort of see them through the mask. Uh, and they glow just sort of bright blue. Uh, and you are thrown backwards with a wave of, of electric force. Um, but what you don't know is Magnus is super into that. I have it written down here on my sheet.

You take nine damage and you are thrown back basically crumpled in a heap with your allies. Okay. That does take me down to four hit points. Okay. Next up is the Raven who holds up her thundery hand and once again points it at the three of you. But before she can get off her shot, the large circular window in the back one, of the room blasts

open and shards of glass go flying and through that window swings as if they were

repelling from the top of the building and have breached into the room a

halfling woman wearing what looks like a karate ghi um

or is it pronounced g ghi ghi I think guy it's guy is it it's giro so now you're being a butt

She's wearing a karate gie, and she's wearing a bright silver Goldcliff Militia badge. And she swings into the room. She's small in stature, but she's incredibly fast. And as she rolls into the room, she holds up one hand in a flat palm facing her foe behind her and the other in sort of a steady pre-chop motion, sort of snake pose, maybe crane style, and she stands there, and she yells out, uh, Sloan. Sloan? She says, uh, Sloan, you're not a killer.

Uh, and I bought a taco and Merle. Hello. And, uh, word, without saying a word, the raven turns and looks, uh, this, uh, this halfling woman that has swung into the room and she spins and turns into a gray cloud and goes flying out the window and is gone.

The raven does? The raven does, yeah. Okay. Well, another successful battle, gentlemen. Ow! We win! She runs over to the three of you and says, Can you walk?

Absolutely not. I can't even hear you. I'm in hell right now. I'm dead as hell. I can walk, but I may not. She takes her hands and slaps them, does a quick clap and starts rubbing them together, sort of channeling some energy, some she... And my genitals grow back. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I just met Elvis. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, how you doing, Merle? I'm glad you made up the heavens. Oh, Gloria B. The ground. And she... His name is Elfus. I don't want to go back.

Uh, she... That's it. That's the end of the answer. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. A Thai is a pedantic person.

I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way. Gyro. Yiro. Sacre blue. Sacrebleu. Ayers Rock. Ulu-Roo. What you are witnessing is real.

The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with real cases. They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court, the real people's court. Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's internet court. Find it at maximum fun.org or wherever you download podcasts.