The Adventure Zone - Ep. 21. Petals to the Metal - Chapter Four

Episode Date: August 13, 2015

Having straight-up embarrassed themselves in their first encounter with The Raven, our heroes look for alternative methods of defeating her. Merle channels a Train God. Magnus makes a fishy deal. Taako receives some bathroom aid. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. In that the wasteland outside of the city limits of Gold Cliff, you see these long lines of dust clouds. And as you get even closer, you realize that the clouds are being whipped up by wagons that are speeding through the wasteland. Is it a race? Good question. With your six untrained eyes, eight if you count the goldfish,

it kind of looks like it a little bit. You see a slender woman. And on her face, she was wearing a black feathered mask. We can try talking to her and everything. The three of you shouldn't be here, she says. Magnus says, look over there! And charges her. She's going to cast thunderwave.

Uh, 21 points of damage. Listen, we might have been a bit hasty with the smiting. Um, uh, two points dead. Oh, I'm negative five, baby. Uh, and through that window swings a halfling woman wearing, what looks like a karate gie. As she rolls into the room, she says, Sloan, you're not a killer.

Without saying a word, the raven turns into a gray cloud and goes flying out the window. Another successful battle, gentlemen. Ow. You win. Hey, everyone, this is Mark. I'm filling in for the usual guy. Took his family on vacation.

I think they went to Dollywood. It's the Adventure Zone. The three of you, have been successfully extracted from the... Happy birthday to you. Okay. Happy birthday to you. Oh, stop.

Happy birthday, dear daddy. Oh, Justin. Happy birthday to you. And a cake? Oh, my Lord. Made a fantasy cake. Oh. Happy birthday, Daddy.

Happy birthday, Daddy. As your gift, your character is still alive. Yay. Oh, thank goodness. It's the gift that keeps on giving. It's a gift I've also given to Taco. In fact, the three of you have been... It's my birthday.

The three of you have been rescue 911 from the Gold Cliff Trust. You don't remember a lot. It was kind of hazy, kind of touch and go there for a while, but this halfling woman that came to your rescue there at the very end of our last adventure pulled the three of you from this building. So you're back outside with the Goldcliff Militia, still sort of encircling the building. Although the vines that had grown around the building

and it started to encompass it have started to turn gray and start to die and start to sort of peel off of the building. Are we like on gurneys with like IVs? Are we both up? Are we in the recovery team? like eating a couple of cookies and like have it some orange juice yeah you're at your you're it's all splitting some halos some tangelo's um and uh the the goldcliff militia medics are seeing to you

you've been brought back from unconsciousness i should point out when when when this is just good for future reference i guess if you guys hit points drop to zero you don't die we had a lot of people tweeting like well i guess justin and and clinton are off the show no that's it's not Exactly how it works. But if you would like to vote for that, push 5555-5-5 on your phone and text the words top-go. Only you can save.

No, you don't do anything else. You just press 5-5-5-5, and we'll know. And we'll get it. Don't stop pressing 5 until the next episode comes out. Captain Bain walks into the cool-down tent and says, Are you guys like worse? Huh? I do not want to continue this adventure

and get caught up in all your magical entanglements until I have clarified that we have taken a short rest. Okay. I want it clear that we've rested. Have we rested? Yeah, you guys have had a rest. You've had a calm down. All right.

So if you want to roll your hit dice and recover some HPs, I'm fine with that. I'll allow that to happen. I don't know how that works. You know what? We're about to get into long rest town, unless you decide to like just start fighting people. We're about to get into long rest territory. and that'll just reset you back to zero. So, you don't have.

Well, how many hit dice do I have? Why don't you just tell me how many, what's the deal with that hit dice? I don't understand. There's a hit dice square. Yeah, and you roll those, and that's how you get points back on a short rest. But I'm going to give you a long rest. You're about to take a full, full-blown snooze. I just don't understand why me understanding the basic rules of Dungeons and Dragons is like an unfit-way to spend our time.

Like, I should basically understand the rules at this point. You have a resource called, you have a resource called, you have a resource called hit-dice, right? How many do I got? It's not on my sheet. I'm not your, I don't know, dude. Look directly down from armor class. No, I mean, it's on my sheet. It's just blank because I don't have it filled out.

Well, then whose fault is that? Four? Does that feel right? No, it's more than four. Just let me cradle you in my narrative. My narrative. In your narrative, baby Bjorn. Hold him to your narrative bosom.

Captain Bain walks into the cool down tent and says, what happened to you guys? You guys look like dirt. we got attacked by weeds that'll happen that'll happen I knew that was a risk when I sent you boys in there

I knew she was very strong oh yeah yeah for sure like like like it was like silly like we we were not even close it was not a fair matchup

it would be like if the kids from Mighty Ducks were to like take on the Monstars but in like hockey Well, the Monstars specifically drain basketball talent from Charles Barkley. Well, maybe they're all drained like Wayne Gretzky and four other good hockey players. Yeah, you know, I hate to corrupt anybody's metaphor, but I think the ducks could stand a good shot there.

I mean, the Monstars, we have no guarantee that they know how to skate. I mean, for starters. He has a good point. Most of them were pretty tall and gangly. And for a good hockey player, you want a very low center of gravity. I think the question is going to be, do the Mighty Ducks still have Emilio Estevez? And do the Monstars have an equivalently inspiring coach? Well, no, that's just...

If you saw a space jam, their coach was kind of a megalomaniac. Could they do it with the coach from Iceland? Probably, yes. In case anybody's wondering why the birthday boy hasn't tried to get in on this one, he has taken to literally examining books on my shelf, pulling them off the shelf, checking out the cover and then returning them back. It's my birthday. It's his birthday.

He doesn't have to engage with our Space Jam. And I've never heard any of these movies. What are these movies? Never heard of Mighty Ducks or Space Jam? These aren't deep consoles, man. I'm familiar with Mighty Ducks just because I'm familiar with real sports like the Anaheim ducks. Okay. But Space Jam, I only know it from the references on that other podcast you do.

Listen, that was pretty scary. Honestly, she's like really scary. Tell me exactly what happened. Did she just start wailing on you as soon as you saw her? Well, no. Well, okay. I think there might have been some talk of smiting. There's more nuance, I guess.

What's hinted at? We made the first move. Maybe she made the first move. Who can say? Hold on. She didn't just attack you as soon as she saw you? No, she actually told us that we should probably go. and that we should leave.

She seemed like concerned about our safety. It was more of a body language thing. Body language. See, I mean, there was a lot of threatening behavior going on. There were vines around. Maybe somebody's pants got pulled down. A lot of stuff happened. That is peculiar.

He lost his weiner. Yep. Ripped off his wiener. Got his wiener cut off. But then it grew back because I took a long, rest. That is how it works. He looks to the, he looks to the medics in the room and he says, could I have the tent, please? Where do you want it?

And they said, yes. And then they leave. And, uh, were they German gangsters? Yoss. Yeah, I mean, you go outside the tent now. And just to be clear, Griffin, they leave. Yeah, they leave. Is that what the word you used?

They leave. Okay, I just want to make sure they leave. He was using the past present participle. Exactly. And Bain turns to three of you and says, this is unprecedented. I'd never considered the possibility that one of these grand relics could end up in the hands of like a good, like a good person, like a good-natured, good-hearted person. So she wasn't always like this? Well, I mean, yeah, but the fact that here's the thing, the power that these items grant you can corrupt you. you so completely that you just completely lose control of that power. And the fact that she didn't just outright kill you makes me think she's somehow trying to resist the the thrall of this grand

relic. It was weird. She seemed like she was buying into it, Oma. Like she was consciously into the thrall, but she was aware that she was in a thrall. We need to know more about the Raven if we're going to take her down. And I, I, I, I, Unfortunately, I think we may have an in-road. Captain, may I ask you a question? Yeah. In your knowledge, has there ever been someone who has held one of these relics and not been corrupted over a period of time eventually? I mean, all we have to go on is historical sort of evidence from before the wars.

The long, long ago. The long long ago, the long forgotten. and I unfortunately, no, 100% of the time somebody gets their hands on one of these powers, and regardless of their intentions, they lose control. Now, it's possible that maybe she's still early on in her corruption, but it's hard to say we don't have a lot of modern data to go off of. I do know. I have heard tell of one very powerful wizard who was able to resist the thrall of the gauntlet.

I don't know if you've heard of his name from legend He's T to the double A co Yeah, it's me Taco, no bigs Autographs to the left You probably heard already You probably have my CD My inspirational CD

Grab the gauntlet and don't look back The Taco story Did you ever Stream it Are you telling me that you actually equipped The gauntlet? Oh, no, don't be stupid I put it in my vass

That's what I'm talking about. Once you, I've coined a phrase that I like to use around the B-O-B, and that is once you pop, the corruption and power drunkenness do not stop. So once you start, it is a little bit. It doesn't feel good. It has a bad mouth feel, but I'm working on it. That's why Pringle stop using it, probably. Now what are Pringos?

What is it? There are Pringles. in this universe, government's pre-established, our roommate wanted some brinkles. Oh, that's right. Oh, yes, of course. And bringles are kind of like,

if you look at them, they look a little bit like, I don't know, a taco shell, except they're made out of potato. Now you're just talking. It's not going to fly. You're just talking out of your ass. We have an enroad.

If we want to get more information on the Raven, and it is my lieutenant, Lieutenant Hurley, your savior. I've suspected for a long time that she has some sort of involvement with the Raven, some sort of... Oh, yeah, she called her by name. She did.

What was her name? I don't remember. Well... I have not listened to the last episode again. That might have been held handy for my investigation, but... I think it was... Margaret. I think it was Margaret.

Susan Margaret. It was a hyphenated. She's Catholic? No. Oprah? Oprah? Maybe Oprah. Was it Oprah? Susan Margaret Oprah.

Yes. The classic Catholic name. Well, then you've just confirmed my suspicion. I want the three of you to talk to Lieutenant Hurley. I've tried to bring this up with her in the past, but you know, there's all kinds of HR implications. So the three of you talk to her and see what you can get out of her about the Raven. Okay. Sure, where's she at? probably just right outside this tent that would be pretty handy if you didn't have to like go around looking for if she was just like right there that would be nice okay send her in we go outside we go outside this

we'll see her no perfect security canvas that holds all the sound in it's baron standing outside it's hot out there there's the smell of rotting vines that's not a good look you see uh lieutenant hurley the uh half-ling monk woman who saved you from the Ravens' attacks. Just a... Girfin, can I, can I, can you clarify something for me? Yeah. I've noticed you're in the habit of doing this.

You say haveling monk woman, that's not actually accurate, right? What do you mean? Like, she's not a... She's not a woman, right? No, she's a halfling. She's... Like, isn't a woman and a man, like, those are humans, right? Female.

Yeah, but... That seems weird. Half-let, half-less? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I guess, half-less? Is that, what's the female, what's the, what's the female elf? A half-licks? Well, a half-ling.

A half-en-a-half-elf. A half-elph. A half-ling is like a, a hobbit. A hobbit. Yeah. But we can't use that because of licensing, right? No, we can't. In fact, I beat it out every time we've said it so far. Hobbit, hobet, hobbit, hobet, hobbit, hobet, hobet, hobet, hobet, hobet, hobet.

monks in the the D&D universe that's like the fighting style class right not like a religious yeah it's more friar uh friar Lawrence less friar tuck or did I get those

confused it okay well you know you swapped it but they use a staff right use both staff use their hands so it's more like friar donatello yep than friar donatello you see friar Donatello a few dozen yards away

and she is tending to two militiamen who had been sort of swallowed up by these vines. They've suffered some pretty serious scrapes and bruises. And you see her clap her hands together and sort of rub them together to like build some sort of friction. And then she places her hands on the wounds. And then you see like a sort of radiant light come from her hands. And then the wounds are gone. And these wounded soldiers look a little bit more vital. Did you see that fellow?

She Miyagied the shit out of those guys. And that is in fact what she did to you. You can... She miagied us? Yeah, you remember sort of through the haze of your unconsciousness that she tended to your wounds back back up on the top of the vault. So she brings these two... She gave us good, good touches. Well...

In my opinion, she used her cheese. Yeah, I've read about that before. That's right. She cheesed y'all. She harness her cheese. Ma'am, could you step over here for a second? I think they'll be fine. We have to move the plot forward. She walks every day and says,

I'm glad to see that the three of you are doing better. She did quite a number on you, huh? Yes, thank you so much for touching us. Yeah, that's kind of a weird way of putting it, but... No, I really, I liked that you touched us and it felt good. Thank you. Okay. You are quite welcome.

I got to ask, did she say anything before I came into your rescue all DASX-Machana style? Yeah, she... Well, she seemed concerned about us, as weird as that sounds, for somebody who's in the thrall of, like, a magic belt. Kind of a... Hold on. What did you... What did you just... You just...

You kind of broke up there. What just happened? I have a stutter... That wasn't a stutter. It was like you... It was almost like you just started talking in, like, fuzz or something. What was that? I...

I am, I'm part robot. And sometimes my action winds down and when talking sitter stops work as good. Basically, it's hard to explain to the layman. You're some sort of automated golem? Do you're saying? No, no, just part, column. Like TikTok, but mainly man, but all wizard and actually elf and no man. Sweetie-hoo.

We, we, uh, yeah, she seemed concerned about us. which seems weird for somebody who is, seems to be as angry as she is? That's not, I don't think it's that weird at all, actually. She looks, she looks forlorn. She looks kind of bummed out. What do you know about her, Hurley? How did you know my name?

Captain, Captain Bain told us. Captain, Captain Bain told us. Captain Bain told us. Oh, yeah. They said your first name was Elizabeth. Don't forget to use your character voice, birthday boy. She said your name was Elizabeth.

That's worse. Okay. I, I mean, I've investigated her, but I've tried to bust her. You know, I just, when I see a perp, I just, I think I've got a, I got to buster. I'm on a roll insight, Griffey. Okay. 16. Okay, so just a flat 16.

Okay. Yeah, she's, she's definitely lying. You get the impression that she is not being forthright. Lieutenant Hurley, you knew her real name. Yeah, that was just something I picked. up when I was in my investigation. I've got to actually go because I... Wait, oh, I tell.

Hold on, wait, I see a perp over there. I got to go, guys. Just hang on one second. I think I smell in the air return of the Avengers Zone narrative favorite. It's a zone of truth. Zone of truth is back. Zone of truth. Okay, she gets to roll to resist the zone of truth, right?

Yeah, probably. That sounds right? It doesn't seem to be the most... Doesn't seem to be the most narratively useful thing, but I'm certain she can resist. Yeah, it's a charisma block. She rolled a four, so I'm going to go ahead and say, like, regardless of what the modifiers could be, and whatever the target is, that's going to fail. The three of you also need to roll, though. I think you're trying to beat a 14.

I roll the four. Okay, you're telling the truth. I rolled a six. Truth. I rolled a 16. All right, so dad can lie. Everyone else is on truth duty. Okay.

Sounds good. So where's the raven? I don't know, uh, I don't know where the raven is. I wish I knew. What's your relationship to the woman that was up in the tower with us? We were partners. We, we, we were, uh, what, what's going on? She says, I feel like dizzy.

What, what did you all do to me? It's my cologne. Go on. Yeah, we were, um, we, uh, we, we, uh, we worked together. Uh, I, I, I, I was trying to apprehend. hinder for a while, but then we started to, uh, we, we, we became very close and we, Lieutenant Hurley, we reacted rashly when we met the Raven in the vault. In the future, the next time we meet her, we want to help her. She's in danger. We need to know everything you know

about her so that we can convince her to let us help her the next time we meet her. What is your, what is your, what are the three of you all want from, from the Raven? We are good men who are trying to help, and that's all we can say. I'm not a man. I, we're good people? Yeah, no, not people again. We're good beings? Chaotic good, some of us.

And I have a huge inheritance for her, and if I find her, I can give it to her. So you're just like, you're just like, you've cashed in on your lying. And you beat the zone of truth. You actually are forced to lie. I am skinny. Now we can't back you up here, so let me... Well, don't let her. You heard the words he said, right?

He definitely said that. That's a thing he said. That is definitely what he said. Six figures. You're hearing it. He's saying it. That's got to mean something right? Listen, I want to help her too, and I think I've come up with a way.

I'm going to need your all's help, though. Okay. Come with me, she says. and starts to walk briskly, like a speedy monk would, away from this scene. Should we tell Captain Captain Bain goodbye, or? Nah, he's probably, leave him a note. He's probably cool with it.

Okay, I dropped down a note. Dear Captain Bain, went with Lieutenant Hurley. We need more milk. Love, Magnus. So the three of you follow her through the, through the winding streets of Goldcliffe. She's actually pretty tricky to keep up with.

She moves really quickly. Griffin, is there, do we get a chance to like stop and do any like sightseeing or like pick up any like souvenirs or chashkis or anything? No, or else you'd lose her.

Do you want a loser? Can I ask her? No. No. We don't have time to shop. But I want choshkis. You can shop. Listen, you know how the structure of this show. After the adventure is over, then you can shop. You've done this before. Yeah, but we'll shop back up on the moon.

I want like a magnet or a postcard. It's my birthday. Yes, you can buy a Goldcliff magnet. Yay! I'm adding that to my inventory. Okay. But it costs you 600, it costs you 600 gold pieces. I steal it.

Okay, roll a slide of hand check. Oh! That's... I rolled a 12. Okay. The shopkeeper rolled a 6th. 16 perception. Hey, you give that back.

Sorry, we gotta go. Give that back. Criminal thief, thief, stop him. And Hurley turns around and says, I'm like a cop. What are you doing? Give that back. Okay, I give it back.

All is forgiven, says the shopkeeper. Go along your merry way, but remember this kindness and pay it forward. What was that shopkeeper's name? Because he will come back. His name was Haley Joel Osmond from Pay It Forward

Haley Joel Osmond Haley Joel Helen Hunt Also from Pay It Forward The three of you follow Lieutenant Hurley into a sort of seetier part of Goldcliff It's well outside of sort of the business district

That's all sort of shiny and golden And well-tended streets Hey Griff if you were to put this in like a, just for the, the, sorry I'm imagining, right, like, if you were to put this on a modern time period in, in our realm, like, what sort of, where are we, can you give me like a comparison, close comparison? Sort of off the, you just left sort of Chicago's magnificent mile area with its, with its tall buildings and scenic vistas. And now you're, uh, I don't know, I didn't spend enough time in Chicago to get a good. Well, let's use something

that everybody can relate to. We're in like the west end of Huntington. Mertil Beach. You're in the west end of Huntington. Right. Yeah. It's less sparsely populated. Buildings are, you know, a little bit crumbier. Got it. There's a barrel with a fire in it.

Okay. And stintners. Someone's selling? And the, no, nobody's selling you a fire barrel. What are you talking about? I mean, I would buy that. It sounds very useful. It sounds like you'd try to steal it. Well, I didn't want to steal the magnet. You're a thief.

I didn't want to steal the magnet. They got priced out of being able to purchase it. All is forgiven. All is forgiven. Listen, let's not, let's not, I'm just disappointed in you, but let's not just hang too long on that sad moment. All innocence was lost. She takes you to a small garage in the, in the, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, off a main street in this sort of spooky side of town.

And she walks up to the door and lifts it open. It's a big sort of sliding garage door. And the three of you walk into her garage and the door shuts behind you and it's pitch black. And then you hear the sound of a switch being flipped. And as the room lights up, you realize this is actually a really, really nice garage. It's really well kept. A lot of modern fixtures. Much nicer than the exterior of the building would have you sort of believe.

It is a little bit messy. There are some parts scattered all over the room. There are three cars that have been completely just shucked for parts. And in the middle of the room is, and by cars, I mean wagons. All those times I said cars, I meant wagons. wagons. Yeah, wagons. And in the middle of the room is a large wagon-shaped object that is covered by a huge brown tarp that has been thrown over it.

I'm going to roll a perception check. Okay. See, if I notice anything about the object in the tarp or in the room. Okay. Natural 20 plus 121. Okay. I can't believe. I always waste my 20.

these on perception checks. Like I give a shit. No, I mean, you can you can give a shit. The vehicles that have been stripped all around the room have some sort of like weaponry attached to them. One of them has like a harpoon attached to the side. One of them has some sort of mounted cannon on top of it with a chair. But most of the parts that have been stripped from them are. sort of interior looks like maybe the engine of one of them got torn out. Yeah.

You have a hard time sort of discerning the shape of the wagon in the middle of the room, though, that's covered up. So this is, I mean, obviously associated with the racing we saw when we were flying into town. Yeah. Hurley says, surely you all are familiar with the racing that takes place outside of town. Oh, yeah. Big fans. Like, it's huge. Love it. Real good stuff.

Myself and the Raven, our relationship began. Her name is Sloan, and I'm just going to call her Sloan because I'm uncomfortable calling her the Raven. I hope that's okay. Is the Raven, is the Raven thing something's happened recently or when she was, like, doing her stealing with you? Oh, we didn't do stealing together. I, well, I... No, okay. But she was the Raven recently, like, since she's...

seem to get meaner and more powerful? She was the raven before. Well, she was technically the raven before. Let me show you. She goes over to a cabinet with a couple of boxes on it and prized one open and dumps it out. And a bunch of raven masks come out. And it's the same masks that you saw the raven wearing in the vault. I put one on.

Oh, don't do that. She says that's really uncomfortable for me if you could actually take that off. Ah, Griffin. That's a good bit. That's a good bit. I would like you to take that off, though. I'd take it off. Thanks. Great bit. Again, great bit, but don't do that anymore. She says, let me explain from the beginning. Sloan and I, I was in charge of pursuing Sloan. She was sort of a small-time criminal, and I was pursuing her. And little did I know that she was actually a battle wagon racer. And if you, if you

live in Goldcliffe, you're familiar with battlewagons. They're sort of the favorite sport of the rich and famous here in Goldcliffe. They're races that happen in the desert outskirts of town, and you place bets on them if you are a moneyed individual. They can be brutal blood sports from time to time, but most people just turn a blind eye because the powerful people who run this city kind of can't live without them. And so I discovered that that Sloan was a battle wagon racer, and she was so good. And I was sort of, I was sort of seduced by racing. And so the two of us started to work together.

And she reaches over to another box and dumps it over. And a bunch of masks shaped like ram's heads, pour out, complete with these like spiraled horns on the top of the head. I start to reach for one. Nope. She, like, with a deft movement, like a thunder clap, slaps your hand out of the way. She says, she went by the Raven and I went by the ram. It's customary for battlewagon racers to be anonymous so that the people watching don't know who you are because you are technically committing a crime. And the two of us were... Were you doing this while you were a cop?

Yeah. I mean, it's... Again, people like to turn a blind eye. Hints, hints the masks. I didn't want any. knowing I was technically breaking the law. Oh, so it's all mildly illegal. It's, I mean, it's illegal, but it's, it's so exciting. And I'm super good at it, she says. And it's, listen, if you don't hurt anybody, and we never did.

We ran a, we ran clean, she said. We, you know, it's not really against the law. You're just going really fast. When did things start to break bad? Things started to break bad about a month ago, she says. And I can't explain it. I still don't understand what was going on, but the Ravens started to develop these almost superhuman godlike powers.

And I'm not sure. And that seemed weird at first. I didn't. I still don't know what was going on, but she, she's starting to change. She started to become distant and violent out on the track. She, um, she, she took out another car that we were racing against and, and two of the people on that car died. and by car I mean wagon

and we stopped we stopped racing together after that did you notice you're using any like powers or abilities that seemed like a supernatural you know anything strange no she made that bank it swallowed up by vines

and I just thought that maybe those vines just started to grow like by themselves how crazy weird these vines wow this is an aggressive vine yes she she She has powers that she was using during the races. She was controlling storms and causing the earth to split in two. And don't get me wrong, like, it was pretty, it was pretty dope. Cool.

Yeah, it looked really cool, but people started to get hurt, and so I stopped racing with her. Did the Raven mention any strange adventures she had gone on around this time or meeting with anyone? No, once she started developing this power, she stopped telling me really anything. Did you happen to notice her wearing a really cool belt? What? Never mind. Any cool, um, okay, did she wear any new accessories? No, is that the source of her power?

No, it's just, we're always looking for new fashion ideas. Just want to stay impressed in the trends, you know. Listen. I seems unrelated now. Kind of a red carpet thing. Context, yeah. I think I have a way for us to stop her, she says. But I refuse to harm her.

She says, whatever we do, I won't be party to anything that sees any harm come to her. She's not at fault here. She's just lost control to something that's bigger than herself. Don't you worry. We'll take care of that side of things. She's not a bad person. She's not going to be able to give up her powers willingly. She's, she's terrified.

Last time we spoke, she had this moment of lucidity where she talked about how afraid she was, that she was developing these powers she couldn't control and that the only thing she wanted was proof that there was something more powerful than her. She wanted to be bested. She wanted to be proven that this power she developed wasn't absolute that she could maybe one day be rid of it. Listen, if you're looking for people more powerful than her, the last time we met her, she knocked, this out in like one attack. Well, that's because you're trying to fight her, she said. If we tried to hug her, it would have gone better?

Well, no, she's probably really good at hugging, too, because she can control vines and just sort of wrap you up and give you a plant hug. I think there's, I can't beat her in a fight. I'm an extremely gifted martial artist, but there is one thing I think I can beat her at, she says. She reaches over and grabs the tarp and rips it to the side, exposing, A battle wagon that has a dark gray, tanned leather exterior with these sleek patches of thick silvery armor all across it. Cup holders?

Yeah, there's definitely, definitely some interior tweaks, some cup holders inside. A couple of bucket seats in there. Does it come with satellite radio or is that additional? That is non-existent. The bow of this battle wagon is long. and flat with what appears to be a black metal engine block poking out of the, poking through it. And on the front of the car, two shiny chrome spirals are positioned on either end of the hood.

All like ram horns. Imulating the appearance of two ram horns. It's ram tough. On the back of the wagon, there's this array of six huge exhaust pipes hanging off of the back of the car. It is, this battle wagon is the single most imposing physical object you've ever seen in your entire life.

Griffey, is it, is it more like Mad Max or is it more like sleek? Like, has it, is it battle damaged or is it like, Oh, it's not battle damaged.

It almost looks Frankensteinian. Like, it looks like if the, like, six of the cars from Mad Max have been smashed into like the death proof muscle car. Um, it looks,

it looks at the same time. like sleek and also like really, really dangerous. Shotgun. I called it. You all heard me call it. That's a bitch and ride. Yeah, thanks. I've been working on it for weeks now.

I've stripped some of the best parts off of the wagons that I've won in Pink Slip races, and I've put together a vehicle I know I can beat her in. I know I can beat her in this wagon. She says, but I need riders in order to pull that off. But before we can even challenge. I'm going to need help getting my hands on a part to finish this wagon off. And unfortunately, getting that part is going to require a bit of law breaking. Is it a hood ornament?

No. We got two badass ones of those already. What is it? The door? Nope, we got doors. Sponged ice? Engine? Nope, got an engine.

Gasoline. Wheels? Gasling, kind of. Top? Like a top. But not a car, right? It's a wagon. It's a wagon gas.

to put in your wagon engine? Listen, I know you're really worried about your friend right now, and I know you don't know us really well, but let me promise you this. Are we out of the zone of truth? Yeah, yeah, you're far away from it. Everything's going to be fine. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master,

and your best buddy in the whole wide world. Thank you all so much for listening to the Adventure Zone, episode 21. We're about halfway through the current story arc, and if you can't tell, based on where it's going, I'm very excited for where it's going. I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about and sharing the show on Twitter and the like. We really appreciate it. We appreciate your iTunes reviews. Oh, if you tweet about the show using the Zonecast hashtag, you might end up as a character on the show like Captain Captain Bain, whose name for Ventin Bain, who's Flesh eater on Twitter. you could end up like Lieutenant Hurley

who's named after Jill Hurley, Genealogy Jill on Twitter. Or you could end up like Sloan, who's named after Kate Sloan, who Sparkle Sloan on Twitter. Those are just a few characters that ended up in this arc. There's probably a couple more

that we're going to name for this arc. So get those tweets in. And thank you so much for telling everybody that you know about the show. We've seen a lot of people tell their friends who are into D&D, seeing a bunch of people say to their friends who aren't into D&D,

but might like the show anyway. I've seen a lot of people start playing D&D because of the show, which is really flattering. I have a Jumbotron message here from one listener to another. I hope they both listen or else what is the point of buying a message on the show. If you want to get a message on the show, all you have to do is go to Maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron, and they'll tell you exactly how to get a message on the show.

It's pretty easy. This message is for Caroline, and it's from Joel Barclay, who says, Happy birthday, Caroline. Congratulations on being a year older. Looking forward to the next one with you. Yours truly, Joel. And there's a smiley face emoticon. And I've been doing these for a few years now on the other podcast we do. And it's really hard to enunciate emoticons.

So I'm going to try and smile in a way that makes a noise. And I hope it comes through. That's actually the sound I make every time I smile. It's grotesque. Happy birthday, Caroline. Got another message here. Ranger Colombo, and it's from Sith Bilbo, who says, happy sixth anniversary. How did a common woodland Dracula like me ever end up with a Jedi like you?

A mystery. To mark the occasion, I sent the brothers your three psychopomp prints as they and Papa Macaroy are our psycho-pumps through the valley of dull times lighting the way with their goose. I hope they like the prince as much as I like you, X-O-X-X-O. This is the part where I pretend that I got the prints, although I didn't, because I don't have a P.O. box in Austin. But my brothers have P.O. boxes in Los Angeles and Huntington, which I'm sure you can find the address of on our other podcast. And, yeah, I'm sure they're really great prints, but I don't get anything. People send them cookies. I don't get any of those cookies.

100% of those cookies get eaten by the time I get to them. Anyway, happy anniversary, Ranger, and Sith. I'm sure those are your first names. I'm just sure of it. Okay, that's it. I'm going to let you all get back to the episode now. The next episode will be up on August 27th. So I will talk to you then. Bye. I guess I'll roll for perception. I want to see she seems very confident in her abilities. Yeah. I want to see if that's like, is that insight or perception to see if that's like justified or if we're dealing with kind of a little rascals-esque situation here. A little rascals-esque situation where like, buck, Weak wheat makes alpha, alpha, like, go steal something for him? No, we're like, they think, like, we've got this.

They're going to win the big race, but really, like, she's not very good. I mean, she seems really confident in herself. You don't need an insight check for that. And this wagon looks pretty badass. She tells you, the part that I need is a really integral component. You're allowed to come up with any propulsion system you want for your battle wagon. And mine requires what's called an arcane core. And it powers the wagon's engines and some of its other special features.

We'll get to those later. But they're a really rare commodity. And fortunately, there's a rival group of racers called the Hammerheads. And I've been following their activities for a while, and they just got in a shipment. So if you can break into their garage and get me one of these arcane cores, I can win you that race. I can bring the Raven's reign of terror to an end. How many of them are there? You don't care if you don't care if these guys get killed, right?

I do. I do. You can't, you can't, listen, I wish I could give you lethal authority, but I am still sworn to uphold, well, the important loss. I know I'm sort of in a gray area a little bit, but I need you to get in there. Don't kill anyone. Get me one of those arcane cores and then bring it back here. It might be a little bit tricky not to kill anyone because they're a pretty,

they're known for being a pretty savage group of racers out on the track. They don't take as light a touch as the Raven and I used to. But yeah, I need you to get in there, get me one of those arcane cores, and get right back here. Is this like a big gang? Is this like 20 people or is this like we're dealing with two or three? I would say their total numbers are about 10. Cool. Well, then flashback to what Taco said just a few minutes ago.

It will be fine. Everything's going to be great. Yeah. Yeah, we'll be able to handle this. No problem. No problem. You don't have any, like, knockout gas or guns. No, I left it.

Nuclear weapons. I do have one of those, actually. I got a fat. Maybe some poison that'll knock them unconscious, and then, like, in two days, they'll get up. No. I mean, that's up. I was hoping that you guys would have, like, the stuff you needed to do adventure the way that you like to do it.

Do you have poison, and lock it off for two days, and then they get back up, and it looks exactly like delicious hamburgers. Because I think if we had that, we would have a really good shot here. Or maybe in a donut? A donut would be good.

Maybe like a giant... Okay, listen, what does everybody really want to eat more than anything? Well, I'll answer that. And it's the giant little Debbie oatmeal pie for Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Yes. If we could get one of those and poison... Honey I Shrunk the Kids' Dad was a film starring Rick Moranus

where he shrunk later you might be really It was also, to be fair It was also a TV show Yeah Starring Peter Scallari Yeah If you had to try one of those There's poison

Then like that would be That would work too Like a poison knockout poison Two-day knockout poison I think the way to go Is definitely like poisoned food Of some sort I don't really have anything like that

Is there a catering company That we could hire Are you guys just hungry Kind of I have formulated a plan Oh boy. Here's what we need from you, Hurley. We need something that they might be interested in buying,

and we can present ourselves as peddlers that are trying to sell to them some component they might need to get us in. Yeah, rogue traders, right? Yeah, something to get us in the door, and then we can acquire the part you need much easier while two of us distract them. I mean, I have a few parts left over from these cars that I've stripped for parts. I guess you could give that a shot.

I got this harpoon god. I got a cannon. I guess you could all kind of load those up in one of these wagons and then just push it right over there. I mean, the most valuable... Is it next door? The most, no, it's a few blocks away. Ugh. The most valuable thing I've got is this battle wagon, but there's no way I'm going to risk that.

That makes sense. Let's challenge him to a race. What if we raced them? I don't have anything. I don't have anything to race them with right now. This one's not running. You got the battle wagon. Oh, this one doesn't work, right.

Yeah. You mean like a foot race? Disassembled this battle wagon and then make a shittier one that doesn't mean this part. Clearly, we're not pushed on time. Yeah. I mean, they're... We can montage it. They're pretty formidable racers themselves.

I doubt that they're going to be pushovers. I did think my plan was pretty good. Which one was yours? Was yours the foot race? No, mine was the one where we pretend to be traders. Oh, yeah. Undercover Part Salesman. You don't think there's anything they'd want to trade for?

I mean, you could give it a shot. I don't know their business practices. They like their weapons, so if they were going to trade for anything, it might be that. But these Arcane Corps are really, really valuable. I doubt they'd want to just do a fair trade. with you. They're also known for, they're also, we're not talking about a fair trade. Listen, these are pretty,

unfair trade. These are a pretty violent bunch. There's no guarantee that they won't just jump you and take those parts for themselves. Hey, I have an idea. Yep. Merle, do you think, do you think they may need religion? I'm just going to go ahead and jump in right here, catch you off with the past. Very, I very much doubt it.

Well, you don't know what's in their hearts. That is true. Let Merle Tug a second to share the good word. Let me just tell you about Pan. I'm good. I have another idea. Are we role playing within role playing? This is going to be great.

Why not the three of you each try your own thing and it'll be like a little contest? Wait a minute. This is perfect. Yes. That is what we will do. We have three different approaches and we are each going to try our three different approaches on the hammerheads. Excellent. Yes.

Mine involves me getting beat up. Okay. Exterior, Knight. What are the three? What are the three? Well, you know what? Just, I don't want to hear what the approaches are. We'll just, you tell me who wants to go first.

I would like to go first. Okay. I'm going to go first. I'm more excited about Burles. Okay. Exterior night. You, the three of you are congregated around the corner from the entrance to, to the hideout of the hammerheads,

a savage racing crew whose headquarters you are attempting to infiltrate. And keep in mind that you are, have been forbidden by Hurley to kill anybody. Well, she can forbid all she wants. The Hammerhead headquarters is surrounded by a 12-foot scrap metal reinforced wall with twin spirals of barbed wire at the top of it.

There is a large imposing gate in the middle of the wall on the street that you are peeking out onto. And there are two ruffians holding, two human ruffians holding large clubs chatting with each other idly by this gate. And then adjacent to the gate poking, right out of the tall metal wall is a booth with a glass window looking out onto the street, and inside you see a third ruffian. Okay.

All right. I walk up to the two ruffians. Hello, friends. Hey, hold it right there, buddy. Hey, hold it right there, buddy. Don't come any closer. We're doing important business. Yeah, we're doing an important business.

Second one says. You Bowery boys. The first guy who talked is the lowest voice character Griffin's going to do out of all these trophians. Yes. Those are pretty impressive clubs. But let me tell you about my impressive club. The club of Pan.

What is that? The club of pan. Is it like some sort of bread? No, no. It's like a wonderful, beautiful place where you will spend eternity. Do you know where you're going to go after you die? I'll never die. I'm too strong. Yeah, he's real strong. My mommy told me I'll never die.

He's real strong. Hey, uh, hey, uh, third guy in the booth says, uh, hey, hey, bud, why don't you scram? We, uh, we're doing business here, okay? We don't want to hurt you. You seem like a nice enough little bloke. Why don't you get out of here? And, uh, well, that's very nice of you. I'm here on business, too, the business of saving your souls. They're pretty safe already. I'm pretty, I'm pretty, I'm pretty cool with how my soul is. Yeah, me too. Yeah, me too. So, I just...

You really think so? Griffin, it's traditional. Let me tell you something. You don't know what's coming down the road. Someone could try to poison you. Someone could try to rob you. Someone could try to kill you. Someone could run a train right into this building.

Wouldn't that be terrible? And then, where are you going to be? Under the train is the answer. Griffin, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But most of the time, DMs let people roll instead of just trying to bullshit their way through scenes. No, I don't want to do anything to get in the way of this. So wait, are you...

Are you going to run a train through here? Is someone going to try and reason us? There is a chance of all of those happening. It's a wicked world. Do you not agree to a wicked world? Are you an insurance salesman or a religious figure? Listen, listen. Yes, I am.

I've heard a pitch like this before, right? but most of the time it's like, cut your wicked way. It's not like God's going to kill you with a train. Because where's a train you're going to come from? Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Out there in the world,

there are all kinds of bad, bad people, miscreants. Just when you think you're the evilest, most powerful, wickedest person out there, there's people right outside your door, right out there in the dark, who are going to come in and take everything you have. And then where will you be?

Dead. that's where you'll be. Are you catching my drift yet, boyo? I think you drift is that you're going to try and kill us with a train of something. I'm kind of starting to pick up what you're putting down, and I'm not sure I like the smell of your jip. Let me point you. Look. I elbowed taco. Did he not wash his jib before he went up there? Allow me to show. Now, if you look, you will see right down there, and just then I use thomatergy. A thermometer train? To make a loud sound of a train at the other end of the street.

Holy shit, this guy's not kidding. He's got some sort of train powers. Now, I would like to help you guys avoid that train. How do you think that's possible? Yeah, tell us. What do we have to do? We'll do anything. You got to run like crazy shit.

Well, you don't want to convert us to your bread religion? Yeah, you go ahead and run. I'll catch up to you, and I'll give you one of these extreme. teen Bibles and I'm holding in my hand right in just a few minutes. Wow, that's a cool looking Bible. Unfortunately, I'm, I like my current religion I'm affiliated with. I'm a Lutheran. So I'm going to stick with that.

Whoa. Do you hear that? Oh, that's getting louder. Guys, you can stay here if you want. I'm getting the hell out of here. And the littlest one, standing outside by the gate, scampers off. And his bigger counterpart that was standing there, yells at

Hey Jerry Get back Jerry Come up Jerry Uh Jerry's really Afraid of trains You've really spooked Why don't you get out of here

Bud? You're starting to pass to us All right Jerry Jerry just ran away Yeah Oh He left his wallet My name's not Jerry

It's Jerry It's Jerry Is that with two E's at the end Six It's italicized Jerry You know Jerry

You know Jerry People People who need people are the luckiest people in the world. He grabs his club with two hands and starts to walk towards you. Bud, I'm not kidding. You got to get out of here. I smell something funny and I think it's your jib.

Get out. I run. I run so far away. All right. He chases you down the street. I got to return Jerry's wallet. Jerry. He chases you down the street a little bit and then stops and returns to his post.

Okay. Magnus waits an appropriate amount of time until everything's Calm down. I walk out to the gate. Hello! I would like to join your gang, please. Okay, you gotta pay the dues. You gotta pay your gang dues. How much would that be? What's the going rate for a gang? Is it a monthly thing? Do I need to like pay up front? Oh, there's no subscription service. It's just a one-time fee, $10,000. 10,000 up front and then you get you get in.

10,000 what now? Goldens. I've got this fish. I don't know. if that helps. Oh, let me see him. Well, can I hold him? You see it with your eyes. Oh, no, let me hold him. Listen, I'll, listen, I'll give you access to this gang. You just got to give me that fish forever. I'm sorry, I can't do that, but why would you even teach, why would you top teeth me? I can tell you where to get other fish like this. I've got a guy. I got a fish guy. He can set up your whole gang with fish.

If you let me in the gang, I will hook you up with my guy on LinkedIn and, sorry, chain LinkedIn. and you can get in there and get all the fish you want. It's a nice offer. The problem is I see your fish and I like him. I think I love him a little bit. Oh, I get that. I get that. He has that effect on people.

Stephen is very charming. I'll tell you. Hey, just to clarify, just so I'm clear on this, the other here are watching, right? Yeah, yeah. Okay, good. I just want to make sure. He says, I'll tell you what, you can join the gang

And then I'll get to fish Monday, Wednesday and Friday What is today? Today's a Thursday Okay, I like this so far How do you not know what day it is? You know, I've been very busy? I get that. Sometimes times just sort of slips away from you

Tell me about it. You don't have that nine to five? You know what I mean? Pretty soon, it's like, oh, what even day is it Without the weekly board meetings? The guy in the booth yells at Hey, Jerry, I don't think the boss would like you letting members into the game

without consulting with him first. I'm happy to meet with his boss. I'll tell you what, why don't you... Jerry, this is Jerry E talking. I'll tell you what, why don't you let me go inside and I'll check with the boss? You stay here, I'll go inside and check with the boss, and then we can move on

from there. Sounds great. He goes in, the guy in the booth flips the switch and a small opening in the gate opens up, and the guy goes in and then the guy in the booth flips the switch again and the uh the door shuts and now it's just you and the guy in the booth i look at the guy in the booth and i say oh wait did he say thursday yeah yeah yeah he says thursday it's thursday are you drunk it's thursday sorry i will be right back

if he comes back to him i like 10 minutes tops i'll be right back okay the boss is gonna be pretty miffed if you if he comes out you literally like 10 minutes all right 10 minutes i run back to taco Murrell. Okay, I took out another one. One left, Taco. Taco. There's one left. You got this. Do your magic. Okay. I, out of sight of the guards, cast a disguise self on me

to look exactly like Jerry. Oh, brilliant. You got to say that in the mic, Dad. I want that recorded for posterity. Oh, brilliant. There we go. What is this spell? What is this spell? What is this spell? I've never heard of it. Disguised self lets me alter my appearance to look like whatever

for an hour. I can only there are some limitations on it. What is Jerry, by the way? What is his... Human. He's a human. He's a human. Now we're talking Jerry, not Jerry.

I can make myself... Little Jerry. Little Jerry of Freight of Trains. Yeah, a little Jerry of Freight of Trains, including my clothing armor and weapons and other belongings on my person look different until the spell ends until I dismiss it. I can seem one foot shorter or taller or can appear fin, fat, or in between. Okay. So I saw Jerry.

That's why I wanted to clarify that we were watching this. Ah, okay. I change myself to look exactly like Jerry. Okay. And to help sell it, I come walking back with my hand on Jerry, patting him on the shoulder. Well, I found him. I talked him into coming back. Here's your wallet, Jerry.

This is a real smart guy. See? But listen, guys, now I got to take a poop. You know, like a poop, like a real emergent poop. That's why I brought you back, old buddy. Hey, listen, man, I really appreciate you. You guys should listen to this guy. He's a smart fella.

I got to take a poop. I get that. You know, we don't have a bathroom in the garage. That would be disgusting. Let me into the garage. Of course, well, okay, that doesn't make sense. They're doing a lot of work in there. They would need some sort of place to poop.

I don't know what to tell you, bud. We don't know what to tell you, bud. You should know this. You should know this. You know we don't got a bathroom. You know how when you have to really, really, really, really poop, you don't really think straight. Listen, I got a really poop, but I left my teepee in the garage. Do you need, listen to me, little Jerry.

You've always been my favorite. Do you need me to take you And don't be afraid And don't be embarrassed Because we've all been there But do you need me to take you To the John Is he inside the garage?

It's not inside the garage He opens up the door to the booth And walks outside And he's like Give me a hand I'll walk you to the John And we'll just go And we'll take care of your business

And we'll be back Before the boss knows what we're gone You can poop Sounds great Okay Come with me He says Mural, clobber him.

I got a roll to see if I have to poop because I need to make this look real. Constipation check. This would actually be a bluff check. Thank you for reminding me, Justin. Okay. Shit. Yeah, exactly. Which part?

The part that I'm Jerry or the part that I have to use the bathroom very bad? Just this whole situation, I think you're bluff in like six different ways. He's going to roll an insight check to contest. He rolled a 14. Well, I've got a... What's the adjusting stat on bluff? Yeah, there's no bluff, Gryphon. Oh, there's not?

No, not in 5th edition. There's not a lie, lying? Performance. Deception. Deception, yeah, that's what it is. I got a 16. Okay, yeah. All right, come with me, little Jerry.

Give me a handle, get lost. And he starts to walk off with you down the street. Towards his shit. towards the shit I walk back up and just kind of stand with Merle and go should we wait He left the door open

I mean I know but like Should we help Taco? Is he got to go in the bathroom with that strange man? And then you guys hear You hear from your stone That you have with you Your Farspeak stone Well I think this is gonna be fine

I'm not worried at all If I think that it's going to be a fine poop And I think I can totally handle this whole poop by myself It's not a big deal No, Jerry, listen. I don't want anybody to worry about me. Well, Merle's sounds like he's fine.

Little Jerry, you can't tell me not to worry about you. You don't want to love you to much. Come on. He's got shy bowels. No, Merle, he's gone. I'm gone. Through the Stone of Far Speech, this is good. Through the Stone of Farr speech, uh, Taco, or Merlin Magnus, you hear, uh, wait a minute, who's that coming down the street?

Wait a minute, that looks like, that looks like you, little Jerry. What the hell is going on? Oh, shit. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artists owned. Listener supported. Oh, hey there, everybody. I'm Guy Branum, and welcome to Pop Rocket, a new weekly show picking over the pop culture we all love to love. With me to talk TV, film, music, and anything else entertaining, our journalist Margaret Wobler,

academic, writer, and DJ Oliver Wang, digital strategist, Winner Mitchell, and comedians, and Tina Mewha. It's an intellectual and incredibly snark-filled discussion about pop culture by five cranky Hollywood 30-somethings. No name-calling, no rudeness, just straight talk and a lot of roleplay. I'm only 30-something for another year. Me too, and I don't tell anybody I'm 30-something. Pop Rocket comes out every week from Maximum Fun.org. I'm sorry.