The Adventure Zone - Ep. 23. Petals to the Metal - Chapter Six

Episode Date: September 10, 2015

Can our heroes secure their hairy compatriot and their arcane objective while not killing everyone in sight? Also, can they go five whole minutes without making a dildo joke? Merle soothes some anger. Magnus sets his axe to stun. Taako reveals his spirit animal. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. We came here to talk. You should have thought about that before throwing my dog in the fire. All right, I cast Charm Person on Clark. Clark, my name is Taco. It's a pleasure. It's really, really super great to me. I feel like we've known each other for ages.

I feel that way, too. And I put together a vehicle I know I can beat her in. Mine requires what's called an arcane core. Fortunately, there's a rival group of racers called the Hammerheads, and they just got in a shipment. You don't care if these guys get killed, right? I do. I do. These are the new recruits.

Walk, I'm showing them around the place. Just go about your business. Don't worry about it. They are pretty gigantic. Covered in this burlap, crude cloth outfit. They are chained to a chair. And they are wearing this full metal helmet. It's the bug bear.

It's my hug bear. It's hard. Clog and our heroes are. Re-night, but does it feel so good? Let's find out in the Adventure Zone. Griffin, have we reached a point in the adventure yet where we're allowed to fight people? You can do whatever you want.

In fact, the boss, who, I should have mentioned this last week, the boss's name is Marvy. Marvy. Yeah, with two A's. You've got to really hit it hard. Marvy. So we're facing, we got to rescue Clark from Marvie. Yes, and in fact, Marvie notices Magnus trembling.

It's like, hey, what's the matter, bud? You look like you've seen a ghost or something. No, no, everything's fine. Does anybody else hear that? In fact, you do kind of hear something coming from outside. It sounds like somebody banging on the exterior gate. Oh, shit. Jerry of this Hammerhead

headquarters. And Marvey says, hey, Jerry. No, regular Jerry. Go check that out. Why isn't the gate? Why isn't Barbara? I can check it out if you need me too. No, me. Just any Jerry. No, I like having you around. I'm going to send regular Jerry out there. You're a good time, little Jerry. You make me

happy. Jerry's got his knees. You know, he doesn't need to be walking up. I do have my niece. That is true. And what if it's trouble? You know, you ought to send somebody with regular Jerry. No, it shouldn't be trouble. I don't know why Barbara's not here. Jerry, just go check it out. Jerry says, okay, and walks out of the garage. So right now, just to get the lay of the land, there's four dudes? Four dudes, two of which are watching over Clark, two of which are sort of working under a suspended battle wagon.

And how is, how is the vehicle suspended? They're up on like lifts, like hydraulic lifts, like you would see in a garage. So yeah, there's two guys working under one of those battle wagons. There's two guys sort of with big clubs watching over Clark. And then there's Marvie sitting at his desk. So there's five guys? There's five guys and a Clark and a pizza place. If I wanted to drop that suspended car, can I see that mechanism? I'm sorry, there are four guys because Jerry just went outside.

Oh. Yeah, I mean, there's levers next to each of the next. each of the lefts. Oh, I said we take the opportunity. I think so, too. I don't know if any of us know how to work, something like that. Good news. I betcha Travis...

I betcha if Travis doesn't have the proficiency, he can roll a 20 to figure it out. I've got lever proficiency. So right there in black and white. I always told you you go blind. Are you going to... I like that joke. Thank you. That's a good one.

I appreciate it because it wasn't my dad saying something sexual about himself. It was my dad actually saying something sexual about his son. About your brother. It's bad too. Yeah, you were into it, though, dirty bird. Okay, are you going to... I'm going to pull that lever. I guess we're getting things started.

Magnus, are you going to say any dope shit? It's unlike you to just, like, do something about saying... Eh, you squished. Okay, you say, eh, you squished. and you yank on that lever and the two guys underneath go what are you and then the the wagon above them a sort of bigger flatbed truck looking wagon wait can we stop for a second before you do this has he done this the moment the moment has frozen okay before we do this we were specifically asked not to like we went through a whole rigamaroleole about hiding a body because we weren't supposed to kill anybody. Can I non-leathly squish them?

I want to be granted this, like, reprieve because it's been a couple weeks since we've revisited this, but we're in a situation that was specifically instructed by somebody we have to continue to work with not to hurt anybody because they're a cop. Oh, you can hurt. Okay, not to kill anybody. Step one being, let's squish some dudes with a car. Let's comfortingly suffocate them with the car's wheels Until they black out and then remove it instantly

Let's hope this this truck can put them in a sleeper hold I have I actually have a way out of this Okay, without reversing it Okay All right You want me to try it Yeah, the moment you're in slow mo, you're in bullet time right now This car is now fall

This wagon is falling on these two gentlemen Okay Hit the lever again to stop it from squishing them but just pinning them, and I will say, Magnus, we told you not to touch anything. Oh, that's good. Now they're just pinned. Yeah.

Okay. Not only are they just pinned, but they didn't know we did it on purpose. Oh, that's good. So now we can kill the other guys. No. No. No. No.

No. No. Oh, right. Okay. All right. Wait, I only pull it. I only pull it halfway. He just is trying to stop it with the pit.

He's trying to pin him. Okay. He stopped it there. So they're pinned under the car. The wagons. All right. So you're pulling it halfway, pushing it halfway back. Yes.

Yes. Okay, you push it halfway back. It does not. And we're acting like he's a dumbass, and it was an accident. Yeah. Okay. Oh, a real Lenny. Can you give me like a taste of what that dialogue might feel like?

Yeah. And I'm going to insist on character voices. I'm going to get really hardcore about this. If you don't use a character voice, you lose a hit point. Okay. You die. And what are you going by, Travis? Have we given you a name?

I think, I think, was it, I mean, I'm gonna, this is fine. Okay. Magnus,

we told you not to touch anything, you dumbass. Now, why? Okay. None of it makes any sense. Wait, none of the,

I'm gonna stop, I'm gonna stop this little line of logic in its track. So as you push the lever halfway back into the

non-lethal position, it does not slow the descent of the car, which falls and crushes the two men. Ah, but leaving them with one hit point

and they're unconscious. You are unable to discern their hit point, number, but it does not seem good. And let's roll for initiative. But Griffin, I don't want to kill. It's your default setting, apparently.

I must not kill again. I rolled a three plus two, a five. Okay, I rolled a 12, but I roll again, don't I? Yep. That was a 5. So 12 is my highest. Not great, guys. Thanks, Griffin. comforting words from the DM.

Real shit job. Not killing is really hard. How does Batman do it? He's got all those wonderful tools. First in the order is one of the ruffians guarding over Clark. Who goes...

Twyce, Griffin. He has toys. Huh? Wonderful toys. Wonderful toys. I'm not like a nerd, so I guess I don't... We're doing a D&D podcast. The first ruffian goes Oh, no! Runs over to Magnus, and it's going to swing at you with...

Why? It was an accident. Well, we didn't mean to fight. Well, we didn't mean to crush those guys, and I might be able to heal them. That's a 19 versus AC. Oh, yeah, well. Hell, let's fight. Let's just beat them up. But hold on.

Can you do a thing? I can do it then. Okay, great. I can parry, and I can just aren't. Yeah, Perry. Okay. This guy brings a big old. hammer down on you and you Matthew Perry

Matthew Perry. When another other creature damages you with a melee attack you can use your reaction and expend one superiority die to reduce the damage by the number you roll on your superiority dice plus your dexterity modifier. Okay. So go ahead and roll damage. Why do people think the ADDs? 11 points of damage. Okay. And you got to be real cynical doing it too if you're Matthew

I roll the five plus two. So I reduce it by seven. Okay. So four points of damage and you go Could you be more We don't even live for... Can you be more weak? That's my Matthew Perry From Friends Impression

And his classic character, Chandler Yo! I don't know who that was either, Dad. Did you just birth a 90s sitcom character In your brain womb? Next in the order is Marvie, who stands up, opens up his desk

and pulls out a flower. What looks like a stun baton, like a ston, like a taser rod that they might use at a zoo, a shitty zoo. A shitty zoo where they're really bad to the animals. A Goldcliff Zoo. Yeah, and he is going to poke that right into Taco's chest who's sitting in front of him.

Oh, man. Now wait, now, okay, hold on. I'm going to call bullshit on that. Okay. There's no reason that he would attack me. Oh, that's a good call. Okay, yeah, he'll do it tomorrow. Wait a...

There's no reason he'd attack me! Well, no, because Justin's disguised is... Yeah. But aren't we all disguised and we put on their roads? He only rolled a nine. But we're the new ones. Yeah. He knows something stinks here.

Nine's not going to beat your AC, though. No. Okay. Next to the order is Magnus. Yay. Okay, Matt is going to attack the guy who just attacked him. Two-handed battle axe. Okay.

With old rail splitter. The old tail spinner. And you're going to go for non-lethal damage? Non-lethal damage. Yes, thank you, Griffin. It was 14 plus 721. Yeah, that's a hit. Oh, my God.

My desk is a fucking mess. What have I told you guys about your game stations? My game station is atrocious. All right, uh, D-10. plus six it's a five 11 points of damage yeah yeah non-lethal damage oh it's not enough to kill him anyway but okay i don't yeah can i say like non-lasting damage like it hurts him real bad but he's probably gonna be fine in a couple days uh the uh second ruffian uh give them names cragory the order. He, uh, he starts to walk forward to you, uh, but he is stopped, uh, by the strong,

grasping hand of Clark. Yay! Raises his head up and just kind of grabs onto the, uh, the back of his shirt. And even though he's chained up and, and still locked into this chair, uh, just sort of pulls him down onto the ground and just kind of pins him down. Um, and next in the order is Merle. Okay. I am going to use my warhammer and hit Clark's chains to try to free him. A little O-O-O-C talk here. I hope Clark's not mad at us.

Well, he won't be mad if we free him and save him from this. Excellent point. Awfulness. Excellent point. Roll an attack against these chains. Okay, that's an eight, right? This is awesome enough. I'm going to turn a blind eye to your dice rolls, tad.

Whatever you. Well, I'm just trying to just roll in whatever. Just do roll the one with 20 sides on it. You could say whatever. They can't see it at home. Okay, I'm sorry. All right. Ah, good.

It's a 12. It's a 12. Plus your strength modifier. Plus, yeah, plus my strength modifier. Plus two, that's four. Plus the Warhammer is another four. No, I think I think you have plus five altogether. We need to get your character sheet in order.

But that's, but that's, That's enough. A 17, you bring it down on a weak-lengthy ruffian that Clark pulled down to the ground. Actually, like, rears back in fear thinking you're about to murder him, too. But you bring this down on a weak link in the chain, and almost instantly the chain's just sort of rip off Clark as he stands up and roars defiantly. I guess I don't know my own strength. And he gets an initiative role. Okay, next in the order is Taco. Great. I'm still next to Marvie. Yeah. Who's focused on somebody.

I'm going to grab Marvie's arm that has the stun baton and jam it into his face. Yeah. I like it. I'm not a strong man, but he's not expecting it. So I feel like it should fall into dexterity. Not lethal. Here's how it will do it. It'll be a strength on strength check, but because you have such a huge element of surprise.

I'm going to give you advantage and him disadvantage. So you roll twice, I roll twice. You take your better roll. Strength on strength. My first one was a 17. First one's a 17, okay. Mine is a... Second one is a six.

Okay. So mine's a 13 plus three. All right, you got him. Okay. You don't even need to roll the second one. All right, so here's how it's going to work. You are redirecting his own weapon against him, so you will make what is...

basically a melee attack. We'll call this a staff or something because I think you're probably good with those. So we'll say what's your what's your what's your what's your dexterity modifier? It probably is a deck. Plus three. Okay. So we'll say plus six to attack his face. Okay. And yell, what's the, what's the initial? Like what do I roll? A D20. D20. I'm sorry. Oh no. You have to roll to attack him now. First you were just sort of testing to make sure you could use his own weapon against him. Now you're actually making the attack against him. It's quite possible tacos never made a melee attack.

Yeah, I'd barely have not. 15, that's what I was. 15, all right, 15 plus, what did I say, six, something like that. Yeah, whatever, it's enough to beat his AC. Okay, and then you roll 2D8 thunder damage. And we'll give that also plus six. 2D8 thunder damage Okay

Um Wait Which is sorry I don't mean to be a dad here But which is DXA Hey wait a minute Is that a thing? No here it is

4 3 So 7 Uh plus 6 13 Okay He takes 13 thunder damage And then he pisses his pants

And he falls into the floor prone Uh He takes plus two Piss damage Yeah I was going to say If he pisses his pants and he's got a shocking thing, and he's and he'll get shocked again.

That's not how any science. That's how real science or fantasy science works. Son, who went to police academy? I saw all six of them. He falls to the ground, and he is stunned. And just sort of convulsing. It's really, actually, you know what, guys? It's kind of graphic.

More graphic than pissed himself? Yeah. Next in the order is the run. Fian that Magnus hit, who turns around and sees Clark free from his chains, and he goes, oh shit. And he hightails it for the door. And Magnus, you are going to get to make an opportunity attack against him. That's 17.

Is it just basic melee? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, well, it was 17 plus 7, so 24. So battle axe? I mean, yeah, whatever you use the flat part, post. I mean, not non-lethal battle axe attacks. Is there a dull side?

Uh, six plus six, twelve. Twelve. Oh, geez. Uh, he is very bloody, but he survives. And he runs out of the garage and you cannot see him anymore. Oh. Uh, are you sure I can't see him anymore? Yeah, real, real sure.

Um, next in the order is, uh, Clark, who is going to stand up and wrap his chain around the neck of the other ruffian that was attacking him. Yeah, we're fine. Clark comes through. He is going to roll. A butt. A life. He rolls a 16, which is enough.

And the ruffian takes 11 points of damage, and he is really. restrained. Next in the order is Magnus. This ruffian that's restrained is like, please, please, please, please. He's the only one still up since Marvie is on the ground. He's like, please, please, please, please.

Just let me go, let me go, let me go. You guys can have whatever you want. Oh, is he like crying and stuff? Yeah, he's crying. He has also pissed his pants. It's just like ankle deep in this room. It's not bubbled. Should I worry about the dude who ran out the door

who's probably going to get a bunch more people? It's up to you I can't tell you what to worry about That was more directed at my fellow party members Let me talk to this full for a second Hey hey where's the arcane core It's in a chest behind the boss's desk It's on top of the toolbox just

Is it locked? Yeah yeah yeah But where's the key It's over on piss pants over there Not me, the other piss pants All right This man's one The original the OG piss pants

Please let me out of here Handle my light work. I go over and while they're doing whatever happens next, I'm assuming it'll be unpleasant. I'll go ahead and go grab that key. I'll pat it down for the key, and I'll help myself to his stun-a-baton. Thank you very much. I would like to walk over to Clark. Hey, hey, buddy. I hope you remember. Clark! He looks like he's about to pop the head off of this record. Clark. You're my hug bear, buddy.

Do you have any idea? What a rough few months I've had. I can imagine it's been pretty bad. Pretty bad. But we're here, and we're here to help. But we can't do that if you kill this man. He starts to choke this ruffian a little bit tighter, and he is walking backward toward one of the battle wagons

that's covered up by a tarp. He's like, just stay back. I swear I'll kill him. Stay back. If you let this man go, I... Oh, man, I'm so mad at you guys. Oh, boy, am I angry? Boy, am I peeved.

All the oolong you want. If you let him go. I cast calm emotion. Okay. Whoa. You attempt to suppress strong emotions in a group of people, each humanoid in a 20-foot radius sphere, centered on a point you choose within range,

must make a charisma saving throat. This is the most soothing. Yeah. A creature can choose to fail this saving throw if it wishes. If a creature feels... You know what? I would like to just chill out a little bit. You know what?

Maybe he would. You don't know Clark. Okay. Clark is not going to want to do it. How big is the radius of this spell? 20 feet. All right. So it's just going to hit these two guys.

I'll roll Clark first. And I think I'm rolling 8 plus true spell casting modifier, which I think is six. so 14 to be? Uh, yes. Uh, I did. I rolled 19. Uh, the ruffian

rolled a... Are you sure you rolled a 19? The ruffian rolled a three, though. And he's like, oh, man, whatever. They were chill about dying. This is crazy. This is a crazy chain thing that's going on. That's pretty cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Hey, Clark, go ahead and crash into me, buddy. I don't know. Having a cool day. Uh, be a bow. In a smooth motion, Clark Sparta kicks this ruffian toward the two of you and rips the tarp off of the battle wagon, which is a two-wheeled, long, sleek, sort of rusted bronze looking like motorcycle type battle wagon. And he hops astride it and goes, if I ever see you guys again, I swear, it'll be.

bad for you. But Clark? Nope. And he, uh, revs the engine. Why I love you? He revs the engine and zooms out of the garage. How could you do this to me? Dip. Uh, I don't believe he left before he could do one of our classic bits with him.

You, uh, memorable moments. The three of you actually hear, uh, another sound, uh, after the revving of this, this engine dies down. Uh, you hear what sounds like sirens coming. Oh, dip. Oh, no. this isn't great Does Travis have Battlewagon proficiency?

Do I ever? Time to ski d'attle. You have vehicle proficiency. Oh, I know. I've been bonered for this whole adventure. I go over and open the chest and well, let me open the chest and see if you got to get the key off. I did or I said I did that.

He's got to be. As you reached down to get the key off, Marvie, he looks up and you goes, this is a legitimate business. What are you all doing? I swear I'm gonna take the game get revenge on this act this heinous act. We should have killed him. It's not too late.

Nah, just flick the piss off the key and let's get out of here. Okay, you flick the piss off the key and you pop open the chest. You take the ring of keys. He's got several keys on it. Of course. And it takes you a few seconds to find the right one for this chest. But as you pop it open, you do see a... actually a really nice chest.

And inside is a sort of velvet padded lining. And there are two sort of, there's one cube-shaped divot in this lining with nothing in it. And then right next to it is another divot, but this one's actually filled by a shining blue cube. That looks like you can see like a sort of a swirling white cloud inside of it. So it looks like there were two in here before, and now there's just one. Okay, great. I'll grab that one and throw it to my back. Okay.

Yeah, you pick it up and tossing your back. That's gone forever. Yeah. So, Skeed Adel? Hey, real quick, can, uh, lever man, can you, uh, raise the car up and check on those fools? See how they're doing? Yeah, the sirens. The sirens are getting louder.

Okay, you lift up the lever. Uh, they are, they're breathing. They're sleeping. Hey, great. Putes. Right, time to go Wait, what about the battle wagon Let's drive for it

No, if we if we drive for it That's way incriminating Yeah, I guess that's true Hey everybody, thank you for listening To The Adventure Zone episode 23 24 22 to 24 It's in that range

I'm your dungeon master Griffith Macquaroy Let's do some commercials We have a few personal messages Some shoutouts To use the TRL parlance You can get a jumbotron message on the adventure zone,

just go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron, and you'll find all the details you need to get a message on the show. Like this one, this message is for Nigel, and it's from Adrian, or Adrian. I think it's Adrian. Or is it Adrian? Well, shit. Now I'm stuck on the diving board, aren't I? I'm second-guessing myself a little bit too much.

Adrian says, Happy birthday! Hope this year brings you many adventures. Thanks for being the best big brother and showering me with stickers, burritos, and cat pictures. Also, belated thanks for letting me play D&D with you and your friends when we were kids. That was really nice of you. Let's do that again sometime. Nigel, Adrian, that's a good family, man. I have never been showered with burritos by my older siblings,

except for that time where they literally threw burritos at me at a Taco Bell. I don't like to talk about the Taco Bell incident. This message is for Dave Amago, and it's from Lexa Machuze. And Lexa Michuz is spelled out, it's either spelling out both of those names phonetically, or this is definitely some sort of secret Illuminati code. Lexa Machuze says to Dave Amago, Bandit's parents are a dogo Argentino Erdale Terrier Cross and a dogo Argentino-Mut cross. That one guy at the park was right.

I know you're probably saying yourself, Griffin, You really nailed the pronunciation on those complex dog breed names. You really got it in one. No, dear listener. I got it in seven. It took me seven takes to say the word Airdale Terrier. And I'm pretty sure I said it wrong. Anyway, Lux, I'm going to choose.

I'm glad that we could clear up this whole dog thing. Dave Amago, I can't imagine the kind of peace of mind that this is going to bring to you. Here's one last personal message, as long as we're Casey casing out. It's for Ray. and it's from Keith, Kyle, Arwin, and Chris. Those four say to Ray, Happy birthday, Ray, from your adventuring party and your dungeon master. Even if Twigit, who am I assuming is Ray's D&T character using context clues,

even if Twigit only manages to roll ones when she heals, and she seems bent on taking over the world with an undead horde, the party just wouldn't be the same without her. We hope you're not too drunk when you hear this so that you'll actually remember it tomorrow. We've all been there. Our dad is in a state of constant white Russian drunkenness. And it makes managing his character and his play really difficult.

That's why he's always rolling the wrong dial at the damn time. Anyway, that sounds like a pretty cool crew. Happy birthday, Ray, happy early birthday. His birthday is on the 17th. We came pretty close, though. I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. I'm talking about lovely individuals like Jill Hurley,

who is Lieutenant Hurley, the Ram. I want to thank Kate Sloan, who is Sloan, the Raven, and Marvey, who I have completely spaced on properly naming, but I have it right here in my text document. That's Morpoh Winfrey on Twitter. That's Marphy, the gang leader, sorry I made your character, pissed their pants. We're wrapping up this adventure within the next couple episodes, but get those tweets in because I'm always looking for cool-looking names,

cool-sounding names, or lame-sounding names that are appropriate to lame characters. any of you have lame names. You're all beautiful butterfly snowflake snowflies? It's like midnight. It's like midnight. I know you're all listening and they're like, oh, Griffin's been chiefing. It's not true. I'm just a sleepy boy. Thanks to leave reviews to the show on iTunes. I feel like I've been going for 600 days on this commercial spot. So I'm going to throw it back to pass to us. The next episode is going to be up September 24th. That's a Thursday. and trust me that episode we already recorded it

it's gonna be a real humdinger you're really gonna like it anyway back to the show shit I meant to text you guys earlier a secret thing and I completely fucking forgot okay can you text it now

here's what I want here's what I want I want the three of you all to text me right now the animal that most encompasses your characters

state of being. Okay. The animal that most characterizes your character. I meant to do this yesterday, I forgot. And don't show the other two. I think this is right. I really thought about it. I want you to know this.

Oh, nice. You feel like that's right. Yeah, yeah, no, that's real good. Okay. Okay. I love it. You all crushed it. Okay.

The three of you absconded from the Hammerhead headquarters. The sirens were getting pretty loud, pretty fast. You thought that maybe this is when the adventure would come to an end with you guys in the slammer. But I'm proud of you for not murdering any more than you did. Yeah, you definitely did murder. But you have made it back to Hurley's garage.

And she slams the door behind you. And she's like, did I hear, did I hear sirens? What, no. That was birds. Real big birds. They didn't catch you guys, did they? No. That's why we're here.

You're stupid. That's a great. Listen, that is a little dumb of me. Here's your sign, right? Anyway. She says, did you get the core? Oh, you know it. Okay, let me see it.

Hand it over. No problem. All right, I popped the cube out of my bag and hand it to her. Okay, she is bewildered by the beauty of this engine component. And a big grin spreads across her face. She said, this is it. This is it. This is it.

Guys, we can do it. We're going to be the best racers ever. We're going to have the best racing team ever. You guys did great. You didn't... One thing, you didn't kill anybody, did you? No. No.

Not to our knowledge. We most certainly did not. I guess I'll have to take your word for it. If I hear anything on the police scanner, though, I will be... Well, I'll be very disappointed in you. There won't be any, like, consequences if you did kill anybody. It's just... No, no, but listen.

Things got rough in there, and some people got hurt, pretty bad, but they escape with their lives, you know? I guess that's all I can hope for. Right. Let me put it, let me put it this way, if this makes you feel better, this was definitely our least fatal conflict we've

ever had in our entire life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We could have killed way more, and we have. Oh, boy, howdy. We killed like a whole town once. Yeah, we wiped out a whole, no, there. It's neither here nor there. So is this the right thing? I just took a guess. Did we do

good, or? Did we do good, or What's up? You proud of us? Do we all get like hugs? She looks. She looks kind of horrified with you, actually. No, she says, yeah, no, that's the right thing. Let me pop it in.

She pops the hood of her sleek black battle wagon. And you see her fidget around with something in there. She pulls out a big old spanner and twists some stuff in there. And then the engine kicks on. And it is deafening. It's like a beefy muscle car. I don't know anything about cars, I should mention, just for the remainder of this campaign. So, like, if I say something, you go, no, that's not how a car works.

Just know that it's a fantasy world, and that is how battle wagons work and calm down a little bit maybe there. Got it. Hurley takes the three of you around a big wooden table, and she unfurls a large map showing what you assume to be the race track, the battle wagon race. track. And it is about a six-mile course that starts way deep out in the wasteland outside of the city and ends right by the cliff to the west of Gold Cliff. It looks like you actually need to hit those brakes pretty hard once you hit the finish line because it ends pretty much right on the cliff's edge. That's pretty sweet. Good job Griffin. Thanks. And she says, okay, let me explain to you guys the rules.

We're going to be up against 15 opponents. Wait, we? Yeah. I assume this was like you were driving and we'd be like, yeah, go. No, you're a battle wagon. Eating some pretzels. A race team can have four people on it, so I'm going to need all the help I can get. I'll be driving the car.

Magnus, here's what I'm going to need you to do. you're going to be in charge of security. Anything goes out on the racetrack. So we're probably going to have a lot of borders. And when that happens, I'm going to need you to keep them off the wagon. We're going to have some hop-ons. We're going to have a few hop-ons. You always have a few hop-ons.

So we're going to be Magnus without borders. Yeah. And listen, if the opportunity strikes and you see a good opportunity and you feel like hopping onto somebody else's wagon, I'm not going to be. Okay. Don't ask twice. I won't. Probably the least necessary sentence anyone's ever uttered in all of our adventures, frankly. Now listen, you win a battle wagon race by either finishing first or being the only surviving wagon by the end of the race.

So we're going to need somebody who can assault the other wagons in as non-lethal a way as possible. and I can't think of a better person to handle that than you taco with your range magic. So we're going to put you, there's a gunner compartment in the middle of the car. I attached a harpoon cannon up there. We're going to need to save that for as long as we can because I think we'll need it to catch up to the Raven.

But otherwise, I just want you up there flinging your magic missiles as you do. Are you wanting to win? Are we just trying to like get a hold of the Raven? I want to win. Beating her is the only way that we're going to be able to convince her to take that sasha. All right. Can we ask her to not use any magic stuff?

I don't think she's going to listen to that. She's a really honorable racer. Like, it's her favorite thing. So I don't think she's going to, like, you know, cheat by making a big wall of vines come out and block us or anything. But you never know. You never know. She's a lot of things, but she's not a cheater, you know, and I don't think she could. Yeah.

Damn. Killer, thief. Yeah. Crazy bird. woman, yeah. Yeah. Well, she's okay. She's, she's, she's, she's all right.

She looks kind of bummed out now. You guys are. Hey, everything's gonna be great. Cheer her out. I'm sure she's a real nice lady. Merle, I actually have something I want to give you. She reaches down under the table and she pulls out a long, flat box. And she pops it open and it's a pizza.

It's a fresh cheese pizza. Mmm, that's a nice of pizza. Sorry, Griffin, did you say a cheese pizza? Just for me. No, you just blended Kevin McAllister's line with... Buzz your girlfriend. What? She opens up the box and inside is,

I made my family disappear. That's where I went to. That's the actress. There's really no way to modulate. Yeah. She opens up the box and inside is not a pizza. It is a really big black metal wrench. Dildo.

Damn it. It's too many pauses. I know. It's a large black metal wrench. It's almost as tall as you are, Merle. And it has four green, gyms sort of going around the head of the wrench. And she opens it and hands it to you.

And it feels heavy, but in like a good way. Like it's got a good heft too. Like a comforting weight. Right. She says, I've had this for a long time. And I'm going to need you to wield it out there on the track. It's called the adamant spanner. And it's going to allow you, those four gyms you see there, those are all imbued with a charge.

of a spell called repairs. And you're going to need to use that out on the course if we take too much damage or a wheel falls off or something like that. I'm going to need you to be the body man on the car and help keep us afloat, as well as just sort of support the team as much as you can with your party.

If somebody steps two, if things get a little bit real, you could also clobber somebody with it because it's pretty good about that, she says. So not a pizza. It's not a pizza. It is a plus one magic mace, though. Whoa.

Cool. So. Is it for keepsies? Maybe. Okay. Maybe if you're good. Everything is for keepsies if you're sneaky about it. That's a good point, Justin.

All right. I put it in tacos bag. It says that quote on the back of my trading card. She says she looks you guys over, kind of thinks it over and goes, oh, oh, you guys are going to need safety harnesses too. And she pulls out Nope She both

No you don't Harness You don't even want to know what That's all of it She pulls out some Some black Uh Uh

Sort of Dildos Dildos Dildos Damn it She pulls out These black vests That are made out of these

different straps And buckles Um Are they a little Sequiny Because they remind me Of like My show choir vests

Uh No they're not Seekwini at all They're very functional Not a... Do we have time to put some sequence on them

before the race? The race is tomorrow morning, so if you want to spend your night plenty of time. I could spend the night like teaching you guys about battle wagon racing

or you could spend the night putting sequins on your safety harness. I'm not sequence. Yeah, I'm gonna go to sequence. What would Bob Fossey do? Yeah. Well, she hands you through

the harnesses. Magnus and Taco yours fit fine. Merle, yours is a little bit tight in the midsection because she's, She's giving you one of hers, because she is also of the small races, but she's not nearly as wide as you are. So it's a little bit tight.

So short and fat, these are the two things you've established about me today. So let me just go ahead and establish. It's very tight around your tummy. And that's fine. That's fine. I bet it cuts a nice silhouette. It does. It looks real good.

Because it's so tight. It's very slimming. Sliming, yeah. Basically, you're wearing dwarfs. It's more like spank. That's a girdle. Yeah. It's door of spanks.

Dudes. Fantasy Spanx. Fantasy Spanx. Fantasy dude Spanx. She says, these, if you fall off the wagon, these will automatically deploy a bubble around you. That will slow the impact with the ground and keep you guys from getting completely murdered out there. Don't get me wrong. It's still really, really very super duper dangerous.

Like people are going to be shooting, you know, crossbows and throwing speech. and doing all that stuff. So these won't protect you guys from that. But if you do fall off the wagon, these are going to keep you from definitely dying. Is there a way to deploy it automatically? No. It just pops off once you fall off the wagon

and are about to hit the ground. Gotcha. Oh, and I have one more thing. Remember, when you're out there, it's technically not legal, although we're going to have thousands and thousands of spectators watching through these she points out on the map.

These black pylons that sort of outline the track, those allow the spectators to watch us. So you're going to need anonymity. And so I have one more gift for the three of you. And she pulls out three boxes full of dildos and pizza. Dildos are pizza. She says, I whip these up based on your guys' requests. She cracks the first one open and tosses it to you, Magnus.

And it is the head of a roaring brown grizzly bear. Yeah. It is. It looks really, really intimidating. You guys can see his eyes sort of through the grizzly bear's open mouth. Sorry, I just opened up the text that Travis sent me his animal request in. And inexplicably, there's a picture of redneckings. Reginaldville Johnson.

Travis texted me a picture of Reginald Bell Johnson about a week ago, and I'm not 100% sure why. Well, he's a large bear of a man. But this is completely unrelated. She says, Taco, this one's yours, and she slides the box across the table to you. And as you open it, you see two adorable beady eyes looking back at you. And you see a long snout with a black nose, and it's kind of a cute, fur, you see. face, but in its mouth you can see a row of surprisingly sharp kind of unadorable teeth. And she says, I'm not 100% sure why you requested the mongoose, but here it is.

It fits perfect. Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. I get that. Can I ask grizzly bear I get for this big beefy man beef here, but why the mongoose? Because the mongoose has specialized in acetylcholine receptors that make it impervious to venom. And so they're known for killing snakes. Very surprisingly dangerous. Like, you know, Ricky Tiki Tiki Tavi, you know, not everything has to be a joke. Sometimes you can just be honest about your feelings. And that's how I see myself, you know.

I may not be the most threatening silhouette, but I like to think of myself as somebody who can stand up for it. You know, it doesn't always have to be goof, goof, goof, dillard. Oh, I'm traveling around with the bonus squad and I never get to just say what I'm feeling. I have emotions. Cast calm emotion, quick. It's not all Aberka, fuck you and what have you. I have a beating heart.

I'm multi-dimensional. I'm a fully realized creation. Fuck. This whole speech is coming from inside of this mongoose mask. Which really intensifies how dramatic it is. She says, Merle, here's yours and slides the box across the table to you, and you open it up, and you see two giant yellow eyes inside looking back at you, surrounded by white feathers and a rugged-looking cracked yellow beak. And she says, the owl, a symbol of wisdom, and also they can barf up holes. mice skeletons. Just like you.

Exactly. Listen, you're not the only one that knows about animal stuff, taco. Okay. It's called a bolus. It's called, I know it's called a bolus. Magnus. Yeah, so, so your mongoose mask taco fits really well. Surprisingly, you can see out of the little beady eyes really nicely. And same, same goes for you, Merle, with your owl mask. You sure it's not a little too small, like my head's too fat or, you know, anything like that? No, she tailored this real nice for you.

Okay, all right. She says, well, I'm out of presence, so I'd like to move on to the next scene. Star wipe. The three of you try on your different kit. She takes you over the wagon, shows you your positions. Griffin, are we montaging? Yeah, we're montaging. You put on your masks.

This will be fun. I don't know if we've ever done a montage before. Merle, you are going to be riding shotgun with your big old spanner. Imagine, I'm trying to give you an idea of the proportions of the car. Imagine like the deathproof muscle car. Like a long, like a challenger. Like a flat hood, pretty wide back end, big old covered roof. So you're going to be riding shotgun.

Merle, there's like a little component in the center of the car where like the back seat would be, where the harpoon cannon is mounted. So you'll be sort of poking out, like peeking out above the roof. Wait, you mean taco. Taco, yeah, sorry. Merle, you're riding shotgun. Right. And Magnus, there are two rails running along the back top in front of the car, just like two rails.

You're going to be strapped into those in your harness. Yes. able to sort of move throughout the length of the car. There's also a handle on the back of the car, the roof of the car, and the hood of the car for you to hold on to if things get hairy. Yes. And she is going to be driving the car. Does that all make sense? Yes.

Yes. You're in the gunner compartment. Sort of in the center of the car poking out of the backseat through the roof. That's cool. do you not like that? No, it's fun. It's kind of a whack-a-mole kind of thing. I'm going into it.

Yeah. All right. So you spend the evening, well, it's your montage. How do you spend your evening? I mean, is there anything that will increase our proficiency? Like, because this is a montage, right, it's not just stuff that we ourselves can learn. So is there, like, are we, you know what I'm saying? Like, are we learning anything?

Is there stuff I can put on my boots to help me, like, get traction on top of the car and stuff like that. No, do you still have your Infinite Heavy Bean? I don't think you do. My Infinite Heavy Bean. I can't remember what happened in past episodes. I'm not a machine. No, it's, it's, I mean, it's more like a, like a summer vacation montage,

unless like a Rocky Training montage. It's more like a Camp Nowhere thing. Now, can I take this opportunity to unlearn spells and real, Oh yeah, this is this is a long ass break. You guys are starting from zero, because I don't want to give it out any spoilers, but you're going to need all the health and magic you can't get it. Griffin, is there anything I can do in this montage

to increase my AC from 17 to like a more robust number? No. Again, Camp Nowhere. So is this, are we training or are we? For God's sake, no, you're jumping on the blob on the lake and sending each other flying, and you're having an ice cream party. Okay, all right.

We had joy, we had fun. The montage is over. Oh, shoot. It's the next morning. And the three... Morning montage. The breakfast. The morning has broken.

There's an egg sizzling in a panic. Oh, we got a rude goldberg machine to make breakfast. We switch it on. It's like clicking. Okay. The four of you wake up bright and early in the morning. Good morning, conkey. In fact, you didn't get any sleep last night.

Actually, no, wait. You did, because you had a long rest. Why did we montage so hard? You montage so hard. In lieu of a long rest, you montage. You all drove your battle wagon out into the desert to a predetermined spot before the sun even rises. And you see a large crate in the distance on wheels.

And there's a pit crew of goblin. sort of watching over the crate sort of motioning hurley inside. And she drives into the crate and the door behind you lifts up and closes. So you are inside this crate. She says, this is another sort of security precaution. It also helps keep things fair because you can't really scatter out the other vehicles that we're going to be going up against today. Listen, so you spend about a half hour in there moving hither and yawn.

Sweating our balls off. Yeah, it's sweltering. It is extremely, extremely hot. Surprisingly, your masks are nice and cool. You're not sure what material they're made out of, but they seem to be keeping you dry, perspiration-free. So nothing like the Kalabunga costume. No, nothing like the costume that we all, at some point in our lives wore

to celebrate the good country music coming from WTCR. That's it, yeah. Giant Cow costume. There's some holes cut in the, uh, cut in the the crate that you guys are inside letting beams of sunlight in there's also a significant amount of dust coming in

you get the idea that there's a wind whipping up kind of a light dust storm outside and as the beams of light start shining in you know that the sun has rose and then your crate stops moving and you hear a flurry of activity outside you hear engines revving you hear war cries you hear

singing, you hear some deep voiced laughter, and then you hear a loud horn. And Hurley says, ready yourselves, when you hear the second horn, that's when we're going. Remember, we got 15 opponents, but all we have to do is beat Sloan.

Do you guys have any last words? Yeah. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Don't. Listener supported. Hi, I'm Lisa Hannawalt. And I'm Emily Heller.

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