The Adventure Zone - Ep. 25. Petals to the Metal - Chapter Eight

Episode Date: October 22, 2015

This episode is basically a self-contained Fast and the Furious movie, if that film franchise incorporated actual arcane magicks, rather than just "movie magic." Magnus does some risky jumping. Merle takes a tumble. Taako summons a new best friend. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, Hurley says, remember, we got 15 opponents, but all we have to do is beat Sloan. Okay, I cast levitate on the bobsled. The car just starts flipping and spinning wildly, and you see it disappear into the dust. Merle, you are pulled out of the car, and what you see almost looks like a gumball machine. And inside of the tank, you see a helpless Merle alongside a blue-spotted octopus.

And now I'd like to use my second attack to attack the tank. This ball shatters. So the two of you are now hanging off of the side of the gumball octopus wagon. This octopus gets two tentacles on the top of the car and is now also hanging off the side of the car. This episode's a regular stunt spectacular. Don't try this at home, kids, unless you happen to live in.

The Adventure Zone. Marlon Magnus, you're going to get it back up on top of this thing? Are you going to just spend the whole time sort of skit-skitching on your... Ooh, my goodness. I sneezed. My, was that in character? It was. I'm allergic to Octopi.

Well, it's good we know that now. Well, let me ask you this, Griffin. Now that the glass bubble has broken, is there, like, standing room? Oh, yeah, yeah. You can get up there. Then, yes, I would like to... You can go on that. Teen Wolf surf the whip on this thing.

Okay. Yeah, just go ahead and make a string saving throw. Merle, why don't you go ahead and make one too to see if you can... Do I still have the strength of the bull? Yeah, you do, yeah. Okay, good, because that was a seven. Hold on. Dad's missing something.

You're missing your D20? Hold on. Is Dad missing his D20? That's literally the only dice you need in life. He's missing all his dice, I think. Did you not bring him? I just had him, yeah. I'll find him.

Look up your butt. 18. Wow, did you... I locked them up. Yeah, but those were using Justin's dice, that doesn't count. Dad, did you look up your butt? Did you look up your butt? Oh, there they are.

There they are. I have told you this, old man, you have a microphone. If you yell again, I'm evicting you. I'm going to make you record this at your house. 18 will get you up. And Magnus, how'd you do? 22. Okay, yeah, you both pull yourself on top of the wagon.

The bottom of this wagon is sort of like a, sort of like a heavy like a troop carrier almost it's got like these tank treads on it and it's just like a big broad heavy metal base of the gunball machine but you've shattered sort of the gumball component. I would like to help the octopus up

yeah you look down and you see this sort of pathetic looking octopus six of its tentacles are just sort of waving behind it as it uses its suckers to hold on to the base of the tank I help him up That's good eating You shout from 30 feet away In another car Hey

That's good eating Okay yeah You reach down And you grab one of the tentacles Of this blue spotted octopus And you pull it up And what are you going to do with it? Can I throw it at the drivers?

They're inside a sort of enclosed tank I mean you can It might spook them I'm going to do that Okay you throw it And you hear it As it suction cups

On to the front almost like one of those Garfields that people put up on their window. Uh-huh. It says like, hang in there. And it doesn't seem to have any effect. They actually turn on the windshield wipers, and you see the octopus go flying off the right side of the car. Oh, man.

I feel bad. I feel like people are going to be upset that the octopus got hurt. He was becoming a fan favorite. Yeah. Beloved character. Well, you guys didn't kill him, and that's rare. That's true. Can we go back and kill him?

Actually, as you see him fly off in the distance, you see one of those safety bubbles pop out of his tiny octopus harness that he was wearing. So he's okay, everybody. Now, he is in the desert somewhere, and that's not like where Octopi love to be. And then we see Pita is there in the stands and they go and retrieve him, and they make him, whoa, the mayor of town. Wow. Great ending for him. Well, we'll deal with that twist later.

That is not canonical. Okay, so the two of you are teen wolfing on top of this battle wagon. Uh, I, it's been, uh, literally a month since we last recorded. So I don't remember who's next in the order. Um, but we'll say it is taco. Okay. Um, I, it has been literally a month since we've recorded. Been literally 30 calendar days.

We do, we've traveled 6,000 miles. I do magic, right? Yeah, you do magic. What am I trying to achieve? Uh, well. South Desk car. Okay. Yeah.

But Travis is on it, right? Travis and Dad. Is there still a wire from that car to our car too? Yeah, you're, no, there's not the claw. You cut the claw off, but you are, you have a rope, Magnus that is attaching you that you tied off to the. Perfect. To the Hurley's battle wagon. Free action to talk to them.

Guys, what should I do? I don't want to mess this thing up too bad if you're on it. No, we have the rope. Just do it. Okay, that's Magnus's opinion. Unsurprising, I'd say. Not, I could have, I could have written that one myself, Merle. Don't hurt me.

Please don't hurt me. Excellent. Okay, great. Just aim around him. Hurley, uh, hurley yells up from the front seat. Uh, I think I can do something. Just, uh, just, uh, just aim for the tires. Aim for the treads.

Okay. Uh, I cast, um, magic missile on the front. The front tire facing me, so I guess front driver. Cool. So you don't roll an attack, you just roll damage on that. Yeah, what's that? A 1D4. I think it's 1D4 plus one and you do it three times?

Yeah. I'm guessing. That's the one with four sides. Thanks, Dad. Looks like a little pyramid. How many times? Three times, right? Okay.

Four, three, four. Damn, son. And then it's plus. Two? Well, plus, no, I imagine you added a plus one each time. I was added. So that's 11 points of damage? Yeah.

The three missiles fly the 30 feet span between the two wagons and hit the front tire. The first two don't seem to do anything, but the third one manages to sort of imbalance the tread that is running across that wheel. and you hear Magnus and Merle, you're sort of shaking up, not to an extent where you're in danger of falling off the car, but you definitely feel the wagon just sort of start to shudder a little bit. I do want to use my reaction real quick. Can I use just like reaction to like grab the back of his collar? Because I just realized I'm tied on and he is not.

Yeah, sure. Okay. We'll retcon that. Next in the order is Hurley, who yells to, Magnus and Merle Get ready to jump! What? She hopes that you...

She hopes that you did give them. She wants us to hump. What does that mean? She's Derrybird. She is. Yeah, I do, but that's a later thing. Just kidding. Attention fan fictioneers. No, you can't.

Don't. Please don't. Burn your computer. Put your computer down the garbage disposal. She... grabs the wheel, shifts gears again. This thing's got like 18 gears. She keeps shifting them. It's like a huffy bike.

And she cuts the wheel hard to the right. And Merlin Magnus from on top of the gunball battle wagon, you see the imposing shape of this ram horn equipped muscle car roaring at you. and it is approaching very, very quickly, obviously coming in at ramming speed. Looks like I'm going to have to jump. Oh, my God. Dangeresque. I am going to jump, though. Okay.

And I'm going to take Merle with me. It's not your turn. No, this is a special instance where I will allow it. this will be either an athletics or necrobatics check you can make either one I'm going to do athletics if you if you do this carrying carrying a Merle then you're going to be at a disadvantage because you're jumping a distance holding another person I look at Merle like can you what's your athletics and your well I guess I wouldn't say how good are you at jumping you look at him and you have a look in your eyes like can you

jump dog you're a dog hey hey hey Hey, how's your ups? You jump? Well, I'm a stubby-legged little dwarf, so... But that doesn't mean anything. Well, I got zero dexterity. That's not a lot of dexterity. Two strength.

Hey, all right. And do you have a little bubble marked in next to athletics or acrobatics? I have a bubble marked in next to athletics, and it's plus four... Yeah, dog, you're good. You're going to be fine. Okay, you go first then.

Okay. wait a minute that way I can save you You're jumping onto a car that is driving at ramming speed toward the car that you are currently standing on you're both jumping simultaneously You don't have time to

Early is ramming you She's ramming us Right yeah And I'm jumping towards a vehicle Coming towards us Yeah That's doing the math on the vector And I'm not tied to anything

If one battle wagon going 90 miles an hour departing from Chicago I'm rolling let's do this I'll roll I'll go. I'll go. All right. I can roll the 19. Holy shit. I rolled a one.

Oh, man. Maybe I do take him with me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You go ahead. We're here. Go for it. Well, I roll the 19, so. What, of course you did.

What dice? Well, I rolled a 12 plus my seven, so. Go ahead. We'll see what happens. So basically I just kind of hopped up in the air about six inches and came right back down. Yeah, you didn't really do much anything there, huh? Magnus, you effortlessly float through the air, like a leaf, and land on the back of the wagon and get your hand on one of those safety railings at the top of the car, which is good. Oh, while drinking a cup of tea.

Yeah, upside down. Okay, as I see, is he flown? Yeah, you know what? It's not, if everybody else gets a special round, Taco, you also get a special round here to see if you can unfuck the situation. I'm going to react, though, after I see what's had, like, what is, is Merle in danger? Yes, Merle is upside. We're in slow-mo time right now, bullet. Okay. Merle is upside down. He jumped way too early and not very far, and he has basically jumped and is now floating in the air, and it looks like he's going to land in front of Hurley's battle wagon.

I focus all my energy and wait for the fucking spell that I've been wanting to cast and has not had the opportunity to until just this moment. A bowl of light erupts from the Umbra staff and underneath of Merle appears a phantom steed. What the fuck? That's right. A large quasi-reel horse-like creature appears on the ground. I'm sorry, read that description one we're telling. A large quasi-reel horse-like creature appears on the ground. I decide the creature's appearance, so it looks like a beautiful unicorn.

It's got a big unicorn horn in rainbow colors. His name is gerald. It's like Gary and Daryl mixed together. I've done more character work on gerald than I did on taco. Holy shit. And Geryl, like, you can hear erasure, like, just a floating through the wind. And, like, Geryl appears underneath Merle. And with a witty, with a perfectly tonal whinny that raises through the octas,

whar! Geryl appears below Merle, catching him effortlessly. Yeah, you kind of, you're flying head first towards the ground in front of the battle wagon, and the spectral unicorn appears in front of you. And you almost do like a ring around its, the rosy around its neck. Oh, I forgot one thing. His main is like more of a mullet, but he is making it work. That's the most amazing thing about garyl.

And you get two hands full of mullet, and garyl very quickly hops out of the way of this speeding vehicle, avoiding a second death and now you are riding on the back of a spectral this game is fucking ridiculous you are holding on to the back of a spectral unicorn It's like riding Billy Ray Cyrus Exactly like that And you get out of the way just as Hurley

puts one of the The gigantic silvery chrome ram horn On the front right of the battle wagon Into the front left tread that Taco just disrupted And the tree just goes flying off those wheels on the left side. And Hurley corrects and gets to the left sort of getting out of the way of what happens next, which is the tank base of this gumball octopus battle wagon sort of like starts to veer to the left,

and then it corrects too much to the right, and then it just flips basically over its side that you busted the treads off of and goes spinning wildly, dangerously back into the dust clueless. cloud behind you where you can't see it. And you actually see Hurley look back and go like, God, I hope, I hope they're okay. They had those bubbles. Oh, no. You see a giant, giant, giant explosion piercing through the dust cloud behind you.

And then you hear three horns blast from, from the pylons on either side of the course. And Hurley goes, ooh. We're going to prison. Yeah. Yikes. Well, that was an accident, so we'll unpack that later, she says. Okay, so now you're back on. If you need to hide the bodies, we have a cool spot.

What do you mean? Nothing. Okay. Marl, are you going to stay on this? How long does your unicorn last for an hour handle it? And also, he has a name and it's gerald. It's real. It's gerald, okay?

I don't want to get off gerald. I feel like I'm in a little. an old spice commercial. Justin, I don't want to critique your gameplay, but why the fuck has it taken you 25 episodes to summon Garel? Geryl is a third, first off, it had to be the right moment, and I believe that was it. Secondly, Geryl is a third level incantation. It's very taxing on me.

You need to take a quick map and eat a power bar. Yeah. I need to re-energize and recarb. You are exhausted. Okay. Well, I didn't. It might surprise the three of you to learn. that in planning this whole race encounter, I never factored in the fact that Tacomite summon

Garrell, the spectral unicorn. Well, I'll just ride alongside of you. Here we are. Yeah, that's fine. Well, the problem is going to be this, that we have to, this is probably too nitpicky for our game, but like, what speed are the battle wagons going at? Approximately, approximately Garrel miles per hour. Guerril miles an hour?

Perfect, okay. I'm not going to, are you kidding me? I'm not going to ruin your fantastical visions with the thing as ridiculous as speed differentials. No way. Physics. Yeah. Also, it's a quasi-real horse-like, steep, like, are we really going to get into physics?

He's running very, very fast. It's a magical unicorn horse. I don't know that math applies. All right. Okay. So you just heard three horns. You're up to 11. And remember, there are 16 laggons total, including yours.

Oh, okay. And the Raven is still ahead of you. you a good distance. And in fact, just a few short moments after you hear that massive explosion in the three horns that followed, your battle wagon emerges from this dust cloud that you have been sort of pushing through the entire race. And you do see the Ravens winged longboat just ahead. It's about 100 yards ahead of you kicking up a stretch.

line of dust as it sort of hovers over the desert. Hey, Griffin. Yeah. Can I just say real quick, he's like a really good D&D campaign you've written. I was just wanted to say. I just realized like I was sitting here just like on the edge of my seat, like adrenaline fueled like, all right. Oh, yes.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Well, it's you. It's you guys that make the magic in me. Let's wait and see how it ends, though, because like loss seem pretty good too. So you see the, you see the Raven about 100. yards ahead of you.

Are we in second place? Yeah, it seems like you are in second place. You don't see any cars in front of the Raven or wagons, not cars. Cars don't exist. Is Penelopee pit stop somewhere behind us? Yeah, Penelopee. She's the final, Dick Dastardley is the final boss. About a mile ahead of you and slightly off to the right, you see the sun sort of shimmering

off of the skyline of Goldcliffe. which remember this racetrack dead ends the finish line is basically right up flush against the cliff the gold cliff is built around so you know that you are getting pretty near to the finish line

and Hurley yells from the front seat Taco get ready on the harpoon we're still a little bit out of range but but we're going to be able to to nabber here really quick just just stay frosty She yells. Okay, yeah, it's frosty indeed.

Listen, don't forget the big red button. Yeah. There's also a big red button, but that's, Merle, that's in your, well, it was in the front seat. Somebody's going to have to lean up and hit that when the time calls for a problem. Because now I'm on Daryl. Geryl. Geryl. Geryl.

Please. There's a second. Oh, my God. Is there a second ghostly unicorn? No, it's just gerald. The name is Derry. Can Geryl die? I just need to know the narrative stakes.

Geryl is unkillable. Holy shit. Well, hold on. Let me see. Wait, yeah, hold on. Is that just what your heart tells you? I mean, he's quasi-real. Like, what would you do to him?

He's spectral. Like, no. You would have to hit him with, like, a positron beam. I just want the three of you to know, I am more invested in Geryl than I am in any of your three characters. And so, like, if somebody's going to make... I'm willing to bet the audiences as well, Griffin. If somebody's going to make, like, a brave sacrifice, I want it to be Geryl. Does that make sense?

Because I feel like people are going to... Anyway. I just feel like Stephen is getting really jealous of Geryl at this point, because I think, like, you know, it's like, uh, who was the cute kid that they brought on Brady Bunch? Uh, Leonardo DiCaprio? Nope, that was growing pains. Did I mention he can talk? He can also talk.

What? No, no, no, I'm not doing a voice for Geryl. I know I can control Geryl. Don't be stupid. Wait, you want a voice in NPC? This is an unorthodox. He's not an MPC. He's an NPRH.

He's in Neil Patrick Harris? That's the voice. Yeah. Yep. And everybody, please welcome to show, Neil Patrick Harris. Hi, everybody. What a pleasure to be here. What is that?

It's no email, Hunter, Keros. He's a wizard. Okay. We've put off the story for too long. From behind you, you hear a be-steal roar. Clark. No, it's actually, you see push its way out of the desk cloud that you just emerged from. You see a gigantic armored boar with two tusks that seem to have been like sort of shaved down to be like these serrated blades on the front of its face.

This bore is a little bit bigger than your battle wagon. It is ginormous. It's a big old boar. In character, Magnus looks back and smiles really big. He likes the idea of fighting a giant metal boar. Well, it's not just a giant metal. It's not a metal bore. It's armored.

It's not a robo boar. Although shit, that would have been cool. No, it's a real boar, and it's armored, and it's got these sharp tusk, and it's pulling sort of like a big chariot with two riders who are also wearing boar masks. And they pull out of the dust cloud, and they're gaining speed on you coming up quick. And they're sort of behind you into the left. behind you and to the right, another wagon emerges from the dust cloud. And this one is sort of perplexing.

It just almost looks like the big shipping crate that you guys were in at the beginning of the race. Like it looks like it's just a big shipping crate, a big red shipping crate that is, if it has wheels, you can't see them. They might be underneath the shipping crate. But it is just sort of moving along. and you don't see any holes in it. You don't see anything. It's just like this. Is it gliding?

We can't tell? You can't tell. It is off the ground. But this shipping crate is also coming up quick to the right side. You can't sort of, there's no discernible means of propulsion on this crate. It's just a big crate coming up through the wasteland. Ditto, how long do I have to wait before I can jump on the chariot? Well, you have to wait until your turn.

I hate this game. Yeah, it's a stupid game. It's a stupid game with turns. Okay. So is this all the same encounter? Oh, yeah, boy. No sleep, tell. Dang.

Andling. Okay. We're back at the top of the order, Merle. And I suppose Geryl, we'll say you have sort of free movement with Geryl within reason. So you are riding Garrell, you feel a tight bond with him holding on to his main Garrell turns back to him and says

What's next little man? Oh, I like the voice. That's what Garrell sounds like. Okay. That's badass. Yeah, he's great. Well, it seems to me that we've got two opponents left before we make a run on Raven, right?

Yeah, listen, here's my plan. Listen, listen, listen, listen. You're a loose cannon, Carol. Listen, I got a plan. Let's go eat some oats. Spectral oats. New spectral oats. They're enriched with fiber and shit.

No, no, no, you're cool. What's up, though? Let's attack. Yeah. The armored boar. Hell yeah. And see what we can do. What kind of damage we can do?

Fuck that shit up. Hell yeah. You're just a little man, though. You got a gun or something? I don't know. I got better than a gun. Okay. I got a 357 magnum, the most powerful handgun.

That is a gun. That's a gun. That's a gun. I'm going to cast guiding bolt. Hell yeah. Okay. I cast guiding bolt. You don't have to say that character, I don't think.

I don't think so. I think you just do it. Well, you are doing characters. You have to say it in Latin. If so boltus guidiness. Yeah. That's a Harry Potter. spell.

I tell you what I'm going to do, though. Okay. If you change your mind from the guiding bolt? No, I'm going to cast guiding bolt. Okay. But I'm going to cast it on the connection between the armored boar and the chariot. Whatever's holding it. It's sort of a big wooden truss.

Is that the word? Travis, I can't. I heard you gasp, I just need to reiterate here. Only trees. Not all wood. Yep, yeah, it's like a gigantic. Like a tree? Like a tree?

Log, not like a tree. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to cast guiding bolt. Right, I cast 2D8, right? Well, you have to do it. You're either making a range attack or the thing gets to make an evasion. It says ranged attack. Okay, then you're going to roll a D20 and you're going to add your spell casting modifier to it.

And 15. You roll a 15? Yes. Yeah. So 20. Okay. Yeah, that's a. That's going to be a hit on this wooden connector.

All right. And now I roll 2D8 plus 2. Okay. So 7. 9. 5. 7. 16 all together.

16. All right. Yeah. You cast guiding bolt and a shimmering arrow of light flies out of your Extreme Team Bible. And with a kunk just sort of connects with this big, thick wooden connector between the wagon. and the boar. It didn't destroy it or anything like this, but the wooden connector is now sort of glowing

because guiding bolt also has another effect on it, doesn't it? Yes, it does. It's, it, but before the end of the next turn, no, it doesn't have anything else. It just glitters. Oh, I thought it helped other people, I thought it helped other people attack. Oh, I'm sorry, yeah, you're right,

before the end of your next turn, the next person has advantage, thanks to the mystical dim light, glittering on the target. Cool. Yeah. Okay. Next in the order is the crate, which is just going to accelerate and pull up about 20 feet to the right of your battle wagon. And that is all that they are going to. do.

Next in the order is Merle. Merle, because I know you like jumping. Mel just went. Oh, I'm sorry, Magnus. Because I know you like jumping the crate is about 20 feet off to your right. It's significantly taller in stature than the wagon you're on. So jumping on it, that would be a tricky maneuver. The boar wagon hasn't really accelerated up to being sort of adjacent to the wagon.

It's still lacking behind you. always. Have you snapped yourself back into the rails, by the way? Sure. I may undo that here in a moment. Okay. All right, it's your turn. There's not really much in jumping distance, unless you wanted to try for the crate, which would be tricky. But otherwise, it's your turn. You know what? I'm just going to do basic and pull out my bow and aim for one of the guys driving the the boar car did out the attack that merle did on the thing was it like oh it cracked three quarters of the way through no it's a it's a it's a big big big chunk of wood it's gonna be hard

to it's gonna be hard to break off certainly you you i'll guarantee you won't do it with an arrow okay uh yeah i'm going to i'm going to aim an arrow at the uh at the uh at the uh one of the drivers so okay so there's two riders one of them has a big old two-handed scimitar on them, like really big, like, uh, like, uh, dude-sized. Uh, and the other one has a pretty imposing looking crossbow, almost like the one that, uh, Killian wields. Ooh. And I can't jump to them yet. No, they're way, they're way, they're pretty far behind. They're about, uh, as the crow flies, they're about, uh, they're about 40 feet away from you. You know what? I'm going to ready in action then and just like, crowds down and

get ready to jump when they get close. Do you just want to delay your turn? Is delay my turn? Is that the same as like when they, then I? No, no, no. That's ready and action. Delay your turn is you just take yourself out of the order, and then whenever you want to get back into the order,

you just say, I want to go now, and then you go. Well, but I want, like, yeah, okay, then I'll do that. Okay. Next in the order is the boar wagon. I want to go now. Oh, no, wait. Sorry, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. It's too soon. So, they do accelerate up pretty much adjacent with the car and unicorn. The guy with the big crossbow is going to launch a shot at you, Magnus.

Okay. He rolled 23. I mean, yes. But hold on. I can do stuff. Oh, yeah. You have your Fletcher's mitt. Yeah, I do have that But that just gives you plus one AC I think Yeah

Well that's not melee attack though Is it? No, it's Okay Sorry Oh man I'm rolling like shit Yeah

Uh 8 points of damage Nice Uh Big old Big old crossbow bolt comes in And catches you in the shoulder Uh for eight Uh

The Rider with the scimitar Is going to Ready in action Uh Well Now, hold on. And the boar is going to attack the garrul-merl hybrid beast.

Wait, so the boar is sentient? Yeah, it's a boar. But you said it wasn't a ro-oh, it's a-okay, I got you. It's an armored, like, mammal boar, not like an armored engine, which is what I thought you made. No. I thought it was like a boar-shaped engine. This is a case of hearing hoof prints and thinking robotic zebra. What are you talking about?

I wanted it to be a bore-shaped engine. Griffin, I got very excited, and it was not that. It's fine. We're dealing with hamster wheels and octopi and giant things. I don't know. I thought it was like somebody who was going to come up to you and whip out their phone and show you the pictures of their trip to Napa Valley. That's pretty good, Jake.

That actually sounds fascinating, though. That was a 14. I'm guessing it's not going to hit you, Murrow. Dodge. Can you confirm or deny? Oh, yeah. What's your AC number? My AC number is 20, no.

Not saying. Holy shit. 21? No, not possible. No, mine's only 17. 18. 18. 18.

Okay. I'm sorry. Justin, what's Geryl's AC? Infinite. This can't be. Well, that's, take a break and go to the commercial break, and during that, we're going to suss out some numbers vis-a-vis gerald.

Hey, everybody. This is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your dad. Yep. I have been your dad this entire time. I know this might come as a shock to you, but thank you very much for listening to episode 25 of the Adventure Zone. If you want to get a message on the show, a shout out to a friend or loved one or family member like me, your dad, then you'll be.

You can go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron and find out how to get up on this podcast. Let's kick things off with a message for AJ from Andy, who says, Remember that time we were playing D&D and you were wrapping up an epic two-year campaign? You impressively wove your words describing the destruction of the god-killing emerald sword, and I interrupted you with a monstrously beautiful eight-second long fart. Well, this is my public apology to the best DM ever. Thanks for the heads up on this podcast. Try not to feel too bad about that.

Andy happens to a lot of people specifically on this podcast, but fortunately we can edit those out. Thank you to Audacity for giving me that opportunity. Here's another personal message. This one's for Amy, and it's from Charlie, who says, Happy birthday, darling. I'm still absolutely delighted by your interest in D&D and can't wait to start our campaign. May the grace of Bringbrong lead. our Jurf quest onto glory.

Hopefully the shitty peanut doesn't piss all over your headphones before you have a chance to hear this. I love the hell out of you, Ames. Let's keep having fun together. I don't know which of that is in the real world and which of that is in the game world. I don't know if one of your characters

is actually a shitty peanut that pisses all over headphones. But that kind of sounds like a dog? I don't know. I don't want to assume. but keep having fun. Hang in there, you two, and keep on living. Here's one more message. It's for Tiny Amy, and it's from Mike. It is specifically written here with an exclamation point, and then that the exclamation point is important.

So, Mike, says, congratulations on the triple occasion of your birthday, your new teaching career, and your first D&D session as the DM. I am sorry that my character spent most of that game with a psychoactive frog in his mouth. Hopefully that is one challenge you will not have to face in the classroom. Good luck. Man, Dungeons is the dragons is such a good game.

It's like an infinite world of possibilities. It's like Monopoly if everybody was just making shit up all the time. But congratulations, Tiny Amy, on your triple threat. And good luck teaching the future of the world. I want to say thanks to everybody who's been tweeting about the show

using the Zonecast hashtag. We got probably another episode in this story arc, and then we're going to move on to something else. So if you want to maybe get a name in the next story arc, be immortalized as a character in the Adventure Zone world, just tweet about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. If you haven't done so and you really enjoy the show, if you wouldn't mind sharing it with a friend,

even if they don't play D&D, we have a lot of people who listen who don't play D&D. It's got crossover appeal, as they say, in the industry. If you could help us spread the word because we don't pay a, sent to like market the show or anything. That would be bonkers. I wouldn't even know how to start doing that. But yeah, just try and help us spread the word about the show.

We really appreciate it. Oh, if you can rate and review us on iTunes, too, that also really helps. I know like every podcast in the world asks you to do that, but it really is very helpful. My apologies for, on the last episode telling you the wrong date that we were going to be doing our next episode. I'll try and do better this time. The next one is going to be up November 5th. November 5th, 14 days, two calendar weeks from now, November 5th is when the next episode will be up.

I really hope you enjoyed the Flap House episode. It was a lot of fun to listen to. But we're back and we're energized after our month off and we're ready to get back to heroism and shit like that. But yeah, thank you all so much for listening. Next episode's up on November 5th and I will talk to you then. Bye. He follows like the, you know, in terms of like his speed. and shit like that. He is a horse,

but, like, it doesn't say anything about, like, vulnerabilities or anything. If I may, if I may pitch something here, what if Garrell is an extension of Taco's Spirit? He's the, he's the bold, cool, like, calm, collective part of Taco's Spirit,

and so all of his resistances are the same as Thomas. What's that called on Harry Potter? It's his Patronus. Yeah, okay. Yeah, we'll allow that. Well, then, we have to have the classic battle. I need, I'll have to rush gerald at the bore. We have to.

Well, you can maybe try that on your turn. Jurassic Park style. Sure. Next in the... I will be going now. Okay. Next thing is Magnus. I meant to say, of course.

It's Magnus. I would like to jump onto the chariot. Okay. By doing this, you are leaping over Geryl. Which is going to look pretty fucking sweet, actually. Yeah. It's got to be in slow-mo, too. All of this, all of this, this whole thing, by the way, has all been in slow-mo.

Oh, wow. All right, so acrobatics. No, athletics. That's what I'm good at. And these are all real effects. I mean, none of this is CGI guys. Yeah, no, no wire work. This is all practical.

I rolled a 13 plus 7 at 20. Yeah, 20 will do it. You hop on to this battle wagon. As you land, the guy with the scimitar is going to take a swing at you. You have activated his ready to action. I figured. 16 versus AC

That is a miss My AC is 17 Okay he swings just a second too early I am going to use He cuts some gum off of the bottom of your shoe That is how near the miss was I'm going to use repost When a creature misses you with a melee attack

Expend a superiority dice To make a melee attack against that creature If you hit add superiority dice Which is a D6 Okay Although somebody tried to explain to me on Twitter That it was a D8 If that is correct

I apologize I'm going to keep rolling with D6 because it's what it says in my helpful booklet I made. Why would it say D6 plus two if it's D? I don't understand. It sounds like a lie. Yeah.

It sounds like you were maybe lied to. Let's maybe go with the rulebook and not what the liar said. Okay. So, melee attack, my battle axe. Oh, that's 14 plus 7. 21.

21 is a hit. Great. And then I roll the... Okay, so the damage is D8. six plus six 12 plus two so 14 points of damage uh yeah 14 points of damage okay the you you hit this guy hard and you stagger him backwards

um and he he pitches backwards and bumps into the guy with the bumps into the guy that was holding the crossbow uh and as you sort of knock them backwards to the side of the to the side of the wagon They actually sort of tilt the reins of this bore a little bit, and the wagon moves away from your battle wagon. You're about 40 feet away from them now. Cool. So now my turn. Yeah, you get to do two attacks?

Can I, Griffin? Yeah. Real talk. Yeah. Can I throw one of them off the chariot? If you beat them in a strength contest. I've got strength of bull, and I'm feeling real pumped up. I got the Red Bull coursing through my baby.

Yeah, fuck yeah. That's what Red Bull. By the way, this week's episode is brought to you by Red Bull. Let's you throw people. I'm going to throw... I'm going to throw Simitar guy off the chariot. Okay. You got them both up sort of against the ropes on the far side of this chariot.

That's a 16. That's a 15 plus strength seven. So 23. Okay. Yeah. Also a hit. Or no, I'm sorry, this is a strength contest, isn't it? Yes, I'm throwing him. I rolled a 19, which would have been good normally if you didn't have that fucking

Red Bull coursing through your veins. You're so powerful. Okay, yeah, so you are going to just sort of pick him up over your head with your bull strength and chuck him. It gives you way! Which direction are you chucking him? I am I am chucking him This is important

Chuck him in between So he falls under the wheels God no I don't want to kill him I'm gonna throw him away from The action What has happened to this game So like two left away from your battle wagon Yes

Okay He's gonna make a dexterity saving through to see if you can grab the side Oh he can't He's super can't Okay yeah You chuck the scimitar wheeling guy off the wagon and you hear of boom as his bubble deploys

and you see him fly off. Great, my second attack. Oh my God. So many attacks. And then I'm going to use disarming strike against the guy with the Crossbow. Okay.

That's 11 plus 7, 18. That does not do it. Really? Yep. Nice. I know sometimes things happen that you try something and it doesn't work. 18?

Yeah, bro. Doesn't work? Okay, fine. You're level six now. This is how we do. All right, fine. I threw one of them off. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

And the guy with the crossbow, it was the one, like, with the reins, right? Yes. Okay. So you see, you do your second attack, and it doesn't go as great, but you can still sort of see the scimitar guy, like, bouncing around behind you. And he's sort of bouncing backwards towards the dust cloud. that you guys emerge from. And, uh, you actually see him get hit by a massive, massive battle wagon that emerges from the dust cloud.

Son of a bitch. It is a gigantic tank in the shape of a shark. Oh yeah, those guys from like a month and a half ago. Uh, it's got razor sharp teeth. It's got a cannon on top. It doesn't seem to have any sort of like window to the cockpit. It seems like...

We're going to need a bigger cart. The gigantic shark tank is... By the way, I didn't realize that I made a shark tank like the show. So we pointed out on Twitter like, hey, great joke. I was like, what do you talk? Oh, my God, yes. It is a great joke. Yes, I did.

Shark tank, you see it emerge from the... dust cloud behind you, and its mouth opens up in this big, uh, pointy spear with these like sharp, like fangs coming out of it, starts spinning inside of its mouth. Remind me, they like us or they don't like us. Next in the order is Merle. You're still next to the wagon. The boar wagon is to your left, but it got pulled away pretty far away. You got the shark tank behind you, and you got the crate to your right.

Hmm. All right. I am going to... First, I'm going to pet, Geryl affectionately. Okay, that's your turn. And that's your turn. No, it's not. No, that's a free action.

No, just a free action. You get inspiration. I do appreciate that. Thank you so much. Yeah, you're welcome. I am going to... I'm going to cast spiritual weapon at the one charioteer still remaining. Okay.

What does that do? It just makes a floating spectral weapon. You can make a melee spell attack against a creature within five feet. I'm not within five feet. No, homie. You're not within eight five feet. You can get over there. You can get over there.

You can definitely get over there. Is he back on my cart? Well, I'm on Gerald, too. He's on Geryl. Can Geryl make a move towards him? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, within striking distance? Yeah, yeah, that's no problem.

Yeah, I'm counting Geryl's movement as your movement. Geryl, get me there. Absolutely. You got a range of 100 feet, homie. That's no problem. Holy shit, that's insane range. I'm a horse. Okay.

So the horse, Geryl. Is it a horse or a unicorn? Because we keep interchanging. Unicorn. He's a unicorn. I look like a unicorn. But it's just a glandular condition. The spectral.

I mean, I'm a, I'm a, I have no, I'm whatever Taco wants me to be, whatever he wants me to look like. Okay. Look, look at him right now. And Taco flicks his wrists and Garrell has a second horn all of a sudden. Oh, shit. Check that shit out. Okay, so we have a word for those, actually.

That's a deer. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Deer don't have. He's got one on his nose like a rhino. It's a bina corn. Deer, I'm a binachorn. I got two rainbow-colored horns coming off me, and it's amazing. Hell yeah.

Garel the binicorn All right, Garel the Vinaugn runs you, Merle, over adjacent to the boar wagon. The two of you are over there. And I cast spiritual weapon. Okay. So it's...

So like the power of prayer? So that's 18. So if it's a melee attack, I had strength to it, right? So I had two to that. So that's 20. Nice. Okay.

Yeah, that's going to be a hit. Nice. And good math. Thanks. For a change. What does your spirit weapon? What does your spirit weapon look like? It looks like a big tennis racket with a waffle iron on the front of it.

Nice. What is it even? Okay. Wait, what? Hold on. It could have been anything. And what you did was like the craziest homemade home defense. I've ever heard of.

It's very... And then Joe Pesha, it falls on Joe Pesham alone. It's absolutely home alone. And it's real hot, so it's going to leave an impression on his face. Yeah, it looks like Buzz's tarantula. All right. So I roll D8, 2D8, plus 2, so it's 2 times... So that's...

8, so that's 20. Yeah. 20 points of damage? Do 20 points of damage with my waffle iron. Yeah, he... You conquer... him down on the head and he goes completely

unconscious and falls backwards off the wagon and you see his bubble deployed and the side of his head looks like archie, right? Yeah. As he falls off the wagon... Can I grab the range or is it? It's not your turn. The boar actually

seems enraged that you have conquered its two riders and he lets out another beastial roar but it's not his turn. It is in fact Shit, boar. I feel like I haven't taken a turn since the last time the crate moved.

Did I skip you, Taco? I think you skip me, my dude. I'm sorry. Yeah, you should have gone before. You should have gone before Merle. That's all right. Taco, it is your turn. I have no idea what it did.

We'll drop you in now. The boar is fucking super angry. You got the shark tank behind you spinning up something nasty. You got the crate to you're right. Yeah. I mean, I like, I guess I should... Oh, man. The crate seems, though, mysterious, rather than non-threatening.

Yeah, the crate's just kind of... I'm not going to attack the crate. Craze is chilling, for all we know. It could be full of, like, stuffed animals. Yeah, I was thinking about... Okay. That's Jaws music, is making it hard to think. Stop it.

Bum-bum. Nope. Boom. Just hit him next time he does it. That's the only way I'll learn. Squitter him with his spray bottle. You're costing us tens of thousands of millions. Tens of thousands of dollars.

Yeah. You know, I think I'm going to cast, I'm just going to cast fireball on the bore. I don't know. Yeah, it seems probably pretty good. Yeah, it seems like a good thing to do. Yeah, I'm just going to cast fireball on the boar. Okay. Because I, the shark is serious, but I think we're closer to being able to deal with this

boar situation. Is the shark right behind the boar? Oh, no, you're waiting. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's pretty far back. It literally, it just came out of that duskaw that you emerged from like 30 seconds ago. So you got to make it, the boar has to make a dexterity saving throw. Oh, my God. Well, let me do my trick.

With those hooves? How much dexterity modifier it gets. That's a two. It's a fun, fun tip for you at home DMs. Just roll a D4 and use whatever number. It's a quick little shortcut. 13. Okay.

So now I roll a D20? No, you got a, it's your spellcasting modifier. This happens to me all the time. What's your intellect? What's your intelligence? What's your intelligence? My intelligence is, plus off the chart.

17. And then it's a bonus of three. Plus three. Okay. Plus three. And then you're proficient in spellcasting. So that's plus two. Plus,

I have a plus three proficiency bonus. Okay. So that's six. Yeah. And then you have the plus one from the umbra staff. So it is actually plus seven. So 15 is your to dodge. Okay.

Seven plus eight. Okay. So that does not. I did not save. You have fireballed this bore. Okay. Hold on your butt, bore. well and also

what does the board have to roll to hold onto its butt and also Magnus hold under your butt since you are you're sort of your fate is kind of bound to this bore a little bit I'm riding along next to him on gerald oh yeah that's a good point hey who wants bacon I couldn't I sort of thought that's what you're doing

taking a long time but yeah it's no problem um Griffin, will you edit out the five minutes of silence while Justin came up with that line? Yeah, yeah, sure. Uh, you're 33 points of damage. Fuck me running. Yeah, it's 8D6, homie.

The boy's kids felt that. Yeah. Yeah, you, uh, you set this bore on fire. Uh, this bore is now, uh, it's not, it's not on fire. It's on fire for a brief moment, uh, but it is definitely struggling. Uh, it seems very angry. Its armor is like superheated, and you hear it's sort of sizzling, and there is actually kind of a nice smell in the air. Oh, wow, yeah.

That's good eating. Pig roast. Put an apple in its mouth. But yeah, he seems like he's like a stiff wind could knock this bore over. Next in the order, though, is the stiff wind. It's the stiff wind. The boar falls over to. No. Next in the order is the crate.

And the crate. Waves at you. actually falls apart. The walls of the crate and roof of the crate sort of just fall off the sides of the wagon. And it is basically just like a big flat bed with a small component in the front or a small compartment in the front where somebody is controlling the wagon. And on it are three humanoids of different races and they're all wearing cricket. masks. And two of them have some gnarly looking hand axes and big poles. And those two are actually going to use those poles to sort of vault over onto your battle wagon. One of them crits.

That's a good jump. And the other one gets a 19. So they both make it onto the battle wagon. One of them lands sort of on the hood. And one of them sort of launches and lands on the side of the car. It's like holding on to the windows on the right side of the car. The third one doesn't seem to have any sort of perceivable weapons. Instead, they have a glowing purple orb. And this cricket person holds up this orb that starts pulsating with this light and points a finger at you, Taco, in the back of the car.

And you're going to need to make a wisdom-saving throw. Okay. That is a three. Yeah. That's a success. And that does it, yeah. Congratulations. Yeah, it was a two.

You needed to beat a two. Great. No, actually, that is very insufficient. hunt. Taco, you have been dominated. No. By this cricket person. And you don't have any control over your body right now.

Okay. This cricket person does. You actually hear the sound of crickets in your head. Mm-hmm. And you, but you have no control of your body. You hoist yourself up out of the gunner chamber where you are standing. And you unsnap your safety harness. sweet

and you throw it off the side of the car okay great and then the safety harness the thing that bubbles when you fall off right uh huh cool and then you run

and take a diving leap off the back of the car that sounds like two actions uh it's technically all movement uh he moved less than 30 feet uh so you take off your safety harness and you just chuck yourself off of the back of the wagon.

And you get a good leap. You're sort of flying backwards. And just as you hear Hurley shout, no, as she looks behind her, you hear something. You hear, and from behind the shark tank, you see a stream of dust come up on you as your flying through the air. Again, in bullet time. Again, in slow motion. And you're snatched out of the air like a foul ball by a gigantic furry hand and placed down into the sidecar of a motorcycle.

And driving that motorcycle, you see Clark the bug layer. Hell yes. Who looks at you and says, wow, that was a close one, wasn't it? Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. Oh, hey there, everybody. I'm Guy Branham, and welcome to Pop Rocket,

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