The Adventure Zone - Ep. 26. Petals to the Metal - Chapter Nine

Episode Date: November 5, 2015

In this penultimate installment of a race that has gotten wildly, profoundly out of hand, our heroes take on a trio of automotive threats. Merle starts himself a convoy. Magnus fights a shark. Taako catches up with an old friend. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. A large quasi-reel horse-like creature appears on the ground. I decide the creature's appearance so it looks like a beautiful unicorn. His name is Geryl. You see a gigantic armored boar. A massive, massive battle wagon emerges from the dust cloud. Son of a bitch. It is a tank in the shape of a shark.

Oh yeah, those guys from like a month and a half ago. The walls of the crate and roof of the crate sort of just fall off the sides of the wagon. And it is basically just like a big flat bed. Three humanoids of different races, and they're all wearing cricket masks. And two of them vault over onto your battle wagon. The third one, they have a glowing purple orb. Taco, you have been dominated. Unsnap your safety harness.

and take a diving leap off of the back of the car. And you're snatched out of the air like a foul ball and placed down into the sidecar of a motorcycle. You see Clark the bugbearer. Wow, that was a close one, wasn't it? I don't have anything to say here. These stunts are giving me palpitations. It's the adventure zone.

Just to catch you guys up on what's going on, where you're at on the racetrack, because this whole thing has gotten way more convoluted than, ooh, is that a Pepsi? Spy at Dr. Fantasy Pepper. Okay. It's gotten pretty complicated out on the battlefield. You got the shark tank behind in sort of the back of the pack.

And then in front of that is Clark on his motorcycle, where he has just fetched Taco out of the air and put him into the sidecar. in front of that is Hurley's Battlewagon, which has two of the cricket racers with these hand axes that just vaulted over from the crate, which is on the right, which is now no longer a crate. It's sort of a flatbed truck with the driver on it and the mind control cricket guy on that flatbed truck. In front of everybody is the Raven, who is still leading the pack. You're getting kind of close to the finish line. it's almost in sight. And to the left, you got Merle on a fantasy spectral binacorn named Geryl.

And then to the left of that is the chariot with Magnus on it. And leading the chariot is an enraged boar. My God. What a world in which we live. If we have one more episode, you're going to hemorrhage. I know. This is Noah's arc of fantasy. Now, there's something very important that I need clarified from Justin.

For the good of the internet, how do you spell gerald? G-A-R-L. Oh, man, we were all waiting on pins and needles to see if that double R came into play. No, no. That would be g-r-l. G-A-R-Y-L, Geryl. The last thing that happened in the order. And by the way, people who started drawing Geryl before he grew his second horn, I'm on to you.

Yeah, sure. I could tell. Everybody knew. Mm-hmm. Last thing that happened was the mind control cricket racer grasped Taco by the brain and made him jump off of the back of the back of Hurley's wagon. You have been grabbed by the bug bear known as Clark and put in his side seat. And he just said a witty one-liner to you.

Clark says to you, Taco, are you doing okay? I was worried about you when I saw you flying all hither and yon. through the air. Yeah, my dude, I'm good now. Thank you. Okay. You let me know if I didn't bring my tea with me this time because I figured it would be a little intense out here and not really great brewing conditions, but you just let me. Right you were, huh? Clark's eyes look kind of glossed over. They look a bit like opaque, kind of how he looked after you cast that charm spell on him, the very first time that you met him in his secret. it hideout.

So he is motoring right along. Next in the order is, I believe the Boar, who is just going to... Actually, he's going to make an attack on you, Merle slash Garrell. And we establish that you share... He shares stats with you, Taco, right? Yeah.

Now, Griffin, is this something where I can contest against the board because I'm holding the reins? Yeah, make a strength check, and if you... We'll do a strength contest, and if you beat me in a strength contest, then I'll give him disadvantage on the attack. Great. I rolled a 20. Okay, you beat me.

All right, so he's got disadvantage on this attack. First roll is a 19, which I believe is a hit on both of you. But the second attack that I roll is a 10, which is 19. not going to do it on either of you. Okay, yeah, this, this boar rears back its head and tries to slam its tusks into garrul slash merle, but Magnus, you grab the reins and just sort of yank his neck back and, uh, uh, keep him from making contact. Uh, next in the order is you, Magnus. Um, I want to steer the, the cart or the chariot towards the flatbed truck with the crickets. Okay, you got, uh, Hurley's, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

battle wagon between the two of you. Oh, okay, I see. And that would be a pretty long trip because you're about 30 yards off to the left, and the crate is about 30 yards off to the right with the wagon in the middle. And when last I checked, the bore

was pretty well injured. Oh, yeah. Murrow likes to have fire to him. It's really, really bad off. Taco actually hit him with a fireball. Murrell cast a spell on the joint between, that sort of connects the bore to the chariot you're on.

Wasting a spell. Wasting a spell, a turn in action, the listener's time, my time. And the shark tank is right, and the shark tank is right behind us, right? Shark tank is actually pretty far behind you still. It's gaining some speed. It's closing in. It's got this big pronged spear in its open mouth that's starting to sort of rotate and look like it's about to get busy. Great. I want to get over closer to the ram then and jump onto it. Okay. So I couldn't stop the crickets that are on there.

Okay. Yeah, you pull up to the ram battle wagon. Yeah, you see these two cricket riders and they are taking these hand axes and they are just going to town on the hood of the car. And Hurley's like sort of drifting left and right to try and get rid of them, but not too much because she doesn't want to lose too much speed and fall behind the Raven. So you're pulling over to the right? to get close to... I want to... I will tell you what I want to do

and you tell me how I do it. Okay, yeah. I want to get over close enough to jump on and fight the cricket dudes. Okay, I'm going to need you to make another strength contest against this boar if you want to, like, control him and tell him where to go.

That is... I rolled a 21. Oh, man, you did it really good. Yeah. I rolled a 17, so not good enough. Don't forget. A red bull.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's way better. That's a 20. Still didn't beat him. Plus seven, 27. That will do it. Okay. Yeah, you, you, this, the bore is like trying to do its own thing, but you very, um, uh,

dramatically yank on it again and, uh, start to pull it off, uh, over to the right. I guess I could have given you an animal handling check on that, too, but this thing is like super fucking angry and probably would not. Well, I'm proficient in that to you. Yeah. Okay. God, you're so great. It's important to know the character you want to play and build that character around.

Hi, I'm Travis McElroy. I'm like Caesar-Macon-Ory. I'm like Caesar-Malon, only Unkillable. Did you know he did a follow-up series called The Unkillable Caesar Malone? I didn't. It was good. Okay, you've just whispered this bore and let it over to the right. Go ahead and make an athletics check if you want to jump up onto the wagon.

Merle, I'm guessing you and Gary. I'll just sort of slow down a little bit to let him pass. Oh, yeah. Okay. I got 18. Okay, yeah. You leap up on top of the hood, and the two cricket riders look up at you with disdain. And the leaping is my action, right?

I can't also attack? Right. Okay. Next in the order is actually Hurley. And what Hurley's going to do is Ghost Ride the Whip. you see her put two hands on the top of the window of the battle wagon and do a skillful flip onto the roof right next to you, Magnus. And she looks at you and says, where have you been? I was in the chair yet.

She runs up to one of the cricket riders and uses his knee as like a platform to jump up to the other one. and she plants her knee into the face of the other cricket rider. And the two of them start to go sailing off the side of the car. But Hurley plants her feet into his chest in midair and does like an en-bock spring leap off his chest. I had no idea we could just describe the stuff we wanted to do. I thought we had to like roll. It brings her, okay, here we. Oh, yeah, she did great.

And she brings her ram skull. She brings her ram skull into the face of the other one who goes sailing off, and she lands on the hood on one knee. Well, lucky I was here. Yeah, it's cool. I got this. I'm like a very, very good monk, she says. Should I get back on my chariot?

No, if you'd like to hang out here on the car and help protect me, like, oh, shit, she says. And she flips back down into the driver's seat of the car and begin. to speed up again. She says, I can use it here if you feel like sticking around or if you want to keep you know, satelliteing. That's cool too. It's your prerogative. I'll stay.

Okay. Next in the order is the tank. The spear that has been spinning up in this, in the shark tank's mouth, you hear a loud, loud boom come from. from this hole in the shark, and this gigantic spear, like almost the size of the battle wagon you guys started out in,

before you got scattered to the winds, just comes firing out of its mouth. And Taco, it very narrowly actually misses yours and Clark's bike. Woo! And it gets stuck in the back of Hurley's battle wagon with a loud chunk. And it goes deep into the wagon. It's secured with this thick metal cable that is pulled a little bit taut.

And Magnus, you feel the battle wagon underneath you sort of get yanked back a little bit, and the tires underneath the car are sort of squealing as they're trying to sort of go a little bit faster than this cable is going to allow it to. And in fact, either the shark tank behind you is picking up speed or you're losing. speed because the gap between Hurley's wagon and the shark tank has begun to close a little bit. Got it. Next in the order is Taco. You are in the sidecar of Clark's motorcycle. Before you start your turn, Clark passes by one of those black pylons that the spectators have been watching this race from.

And you hear a horn come from that pylon, but it's not like the ones you've heard every time that one of the contestants in this race has gotten beaten out. It actually sounds like kind of like an alarm almost. And the top of this pylon glows bright red and a fiery beam shoots out at the motorcycle that you and Clark are in. and Clark very, very narrowly avoids this beam. It cuts off the radio antenna. It cuts off the flag that is sort of... It cuts off his Garfield that he had stuck to the windshield. Of his motorcycle, yes.

No one, it was just sort of floating in front of the car. It cuts off his taco on board sign. Yeah, the taco on board sign goes flying behind. And he goes, whoa, that seemed. And that was rude. He said, I wonder what caused that. Hey, Clark, can I take a free action to talk to Clark right quick? Please.

Clark, are you supposed to be in this race? Well, no, I just, I thought it might be dangerous, and I thought it would be hospitable if I just sort of kept an eye on you, Taco. You're my very good friend. I don't want anything bad happening to Taco. If you're asking if I signed up and paid my fees, the answer is. The answer is no, but this is, you know, it's just land. I don't see why they get to say who can be where doing what. Yeah, I mean, that's beautiful.

I'm with you, Ron Paul. Let's do this, but I need to get back into the action there, into the fray. Okay, I just tell me where you want me to go and I'll, I can get you there in one piece. I just want to make sure you're doing just fine. Can I do a I guess arcane check Okay To see if I can figure out what's going on with Clark

Yeah sure To 17 Yeah it's it would actually be Detect magic the spell detect well that was good enough Whatever well I don't want to burn a spell on it So I'm just using my knowledge of the arching arts It's actually a 20 because I got to add three Sure

He's absolutely under Some sort of spell And And it's definitely a, it is definitely a, like a mind control charm spell. And based on sort of your studies of that type of magic, you know that the castor of the spell is the one who sort of receives the affection of a charm spell. So you deduce that it is, in fact, a charm spell that you cast on him. But how is that, how is that possible?

I don't know, dude. You're very charming. I guess it's like good at magic, I guess. Is it just, is it Justin's, or I guess I should say tacos, just natural people fall in love with him? No, it's definitely not that. Yeah, it's, with that same arcana check, you know that like that spell lasts an hour. There's no reason why it should still be working on. Okay, all right.

Love, maybe. Maybe it's a little thing called charisma. What is your charisma modifier? A little thing called chorizo. What's your chorizo? loves my chorizo. The spice is the zest. I don't know how you do it.

Yeah, I, I, uh, there are people listening right now who are like, Charizo, come on, Taco. No, I said it. The, I just check my charisma and it is not that. Cool. I can guarantee you. It is not my charisma. What are you going to do with your turn?

You got a very weak, angry boar sort of right up. against Hurley's battle wagon. You got the crate to your right with the mind control guy that just tried to make you Sepaku yourself off the back of a car. Revenge. You got the shark tank behind you with its open, gnarly mouth and a cable connecting that to... How far is the cycle from Hurley's car? You're about 20 feet behind.

Clark, in the interim, I'm trying to get as close to her. as you can, okay? You got it, dude. To Hurley. Great, dude. I'm going to blast the bore with Magic Missile.

Okay. Yeah, you pull up behind the car sort of getting off to the left a little bit so you're behind the bore and not directly underneath this cable.

And you fire a volley of magic missiles at him. Go ahead and roll damage on that. They use Magic Missile is like the example

a lot in the players handbook, so it makes it hard to find if you're looking to the index. Okay, here we go. Magic missile. I'm going to fire three darts. Yeah, we're all, we all love magic missile and know it and love it. Five, two, three. Okay, yeah, this,

this bore finally gives up the ghost, uh, and you see him, uh, your, your shots sort of, uh, give a wide arc out to the left and then just sort of blast it on its left side. And it almost like, uh, collides with Hurley's. battle wagon one last time and then sort of slumps off. And Clark actually has to do a pretty deft maneuver to get out of the way of the, the boar and the chariot as they both sort of fall backwards. And the shark tank behind you runs over the chariot and just absolutely demolishes it. But the boar avoids that same fate.

And then you hear another port. I just want to say I'm really sad about the boar. Yeah. Lys, you want to adopt it or what's up? You got a foster program? Dad now. Yeah. I can't do shit now except Lou Wow.

Yeah, it's... What? Dried Luwow. You hear... Make an apple in the mouth check. You hear a horn come from the pie lunch that took a blast at you earlier, Taco. And, yeah, we are down to the tank, the crate truck, Hurley, and the Raven. Four combatants remaining.

The crate truck is what Clark was in, I thought. No, no, no. The crate truck is the crickets. The crickets that took control of your brain. Next in the order is Merle. You are on Garrell. You're to the left of the action. You're pretty close to Hurley's Battlewagon now.

There's nothing really in between you guys anymore, now that the boar's down. And it is your turn. Gosh. I don't want to leave Garrel. Don't. Stay with him through the night. No, dude, I got like an hour.

Hell, like 55 now. Hold me closer. Tiny Carroll. Okay, how about... 5430. Clock's ticking my dude. All right, let's... I'm gonna attack the shark.

You gotta... You gotta bring down. The tank shark. The shark tank. The shank tarc. Okay. With garrles horn. I will say if you're trying to attack the shark tank with garrles horn,

I'm pretty sure he is semi-physical, right, Justin? He has no damage. Like, he can't... Like, it would be like attacking it with a horse. it would not be very... That's very on-brands. But, yeah. I mean, I have a battle...

I have a hammer. Yeah. I have the... But I don't have a battle axe or... Do you still have... Wait, wait, I have choppy. Don't I still have choppy? Choppy is nothing.

What are you saying? Choppy, that's... Yeah, I do. I have a... Is that, like, an axe that tells you if you're making grammatical errors on a piece of parchment? Oh, I see you're trying to chop something.

All right, I'll tell you what. I will attack the cable. Okay. No, wait, man, wait a minute. That's not going to make any sense. That will give. Is there a crew on the shark tank? So looking at the shark tank, there doesn't appear to be any sort of visible point of entry.

There doesn't appear to be any kind of weak point. You can't see the drivers of this tank. You can't see inside of it. It is heavily armored to the brain. It's literally a tank. It is, imagine like a, what, a howitzer? Is that a type of tank? It is a tank.

Oh, that's a gun. Well, it's a tank-ass tank. And how many people are still on the cricket truck? You got one driver in a sort of pilot's compartment on the front of it, and then you got the cricket holding his scrying orb that he used to dominate Taco. All right? And I'm off to the left, right? Yeah, you, I mean, you're pretty much flush with Hurley's battle wagon now. Could Geryl reach the cricket? Yeah, sure.

Great. All can do anything. Geryl, believe. Get me to the cricket crate. Yeah. I like that. I believe in Geryl. I believe in Geryl.

Come on, kids. Clap your hands if you believe in Geryl. Geryl sprouts wings. No, fuck that. Oh, very sweet. He does do a dexterous leap over Hurley's battle wagon to get you over right next to, the flatbed truck with the cricket

mind guy mind control guy and the cricket driver in his little compartment okay so I'm close enough to the mind guy I could attack yeah he was sort of right on the edge of this truck so you could attack from Darrell I'm gonna hit him with the big ass awesome wrench that sounds good that sounds good okay that sounds good

okay first I roll this right Wait a minute. The one with 20? If it has a 20 on it, you know that the dice goes to 20. It has a maximum number of 20. No, that doesn't. That doesn't have a 20 on it.

There we go. It's exciting. It's exciting to be part of Dad's first role on the show. It's a 17. All right. Yeah, that's going to be a hit on this. You're attacking the mind control guy. How about if I specifically hit the orb?

Yeah, you can do that. Sweet. I think I will. I think I'll hit the orb. Okay. With the wrench. Okay, there's no need... In the conservatory with Professor Plum. There's no need to roll damage then.

You sort of like a T-ball approach, just wail on this scrying orb. Hey, badda-bada, hey, bad-a-bada. Which direction are you aiming this orb? You mean the wrench? Yeah, yeah, like which direction are you hitting it? Torch to-a-hoc-o. I think I would hit it up in the air so it heads towards talk about. Well, no, that's preposterous.

I'm willing to allow for a lot of things, but that's insanity. I'm just going to knock it up in the air so it flies away. Okay. You sort of do an upward, uppercut. Oh, yeah. And you knock the scrying orb high, high into the air with a... And I call out for... satisfying clunk, kind of mixing our sports metaphors a little bit, and it goes flying up into the air, and you don't see it again after that.

And you hear the cricket guy go, aw. That was my grandmother's orb. So the orb is now gone. Next in the order is the cricket. Who sends his turn crying? And rubbing his legs together, which is the same thing. It's actually both crickets turns. The driver is actually going to try and side-swipe Geryl.

You bastard. And he... God, I don't even know how I would do that. Geryl, a taco, since you are sort of controlling Geryl, why don't you make a dexterity saving throw? Okay. That's a one. Oh, shit.

Geryl talks a big game. Yeah. He is not dexterous. He is not dexter. He has never seen dexter. I would, I guess I would modify that, right? So I would... Yeah, I mean, you rolled a critical miss, right?

It would be a four. Well, there's no, there's no... A one is always a failure. You can't. Okay, yeah. You can never salvage a one. Critical miss. I got it, man, critical miss.

I got a... I got it. Griffin, do what you have to do it. I have to. It's a critical mess. People get on me for being too easy. Geryl's pulled under the... the tires of the car.

Well, hold on. Hold on, hold on. That's really critical. He gets side-s-sighted and it just kills him in one? He rolled a critical miss. Merle, as you, the flatbed truck was sort of at your height, the bed of it.

So as Garrell vanishes underneath the wheels of this truck, you land on the bed on your back. Right underneath the cricket, who did the mind. control stuff who pulls out a dagger and is going to try and bury it in your tummy. As he goes under, you hear him say, thank you for believing. I'll be back soon. Can we take just a moment?

It's not even a problem, no. I'm a spectral horse. It's not like, no, he can just, he can just make me again. It's no anything. I think is going to hit your AC. Exit stage girl, peace. Ow! He hits you for 12 points of damage, Merle.

Yikes. All right. All right. Next in the order, the crate went, the boar's dead. Magnus. Yes.

You're standing on the car. You got the whole crate situation happening to your right, about 20 feet to your right, and you got the shark tank behind you. I feel like I need to focus on that spear. You got Clark on the motorcycle right next to you.

Okay. Okay. I'm gonna make my way back to where the spear is in the back of the car. Okay. Is that something I can just do? Yeah, that's your move. Okay. And then, okay.

How thick is the spear? It's fucking huge, man. It's like a foot thick. Like it is a solid iron spear covered in these gnarly bar. that sort of have hooked its way into the battle wagon. Cool. And how deep into the car is it? It's real deep.

It's actually, you can see it poking into Taco's gunner compartment, where he was spinning most of his race. In fact, you think if Taco had been in there, he would have gotten washed, which is a verb I came up with based on what happens to Alan Tudic's character in the Firefly movie. Spoilers. Every, I fucking Gary,

this is a Dungeons of Dragons podcast. Everybody who's listening has seen that movie. Do you, am I more likely to cut through the cable or through the spear? I mean, the cable is thinner than the spear, but it's also a really solid cable, yeah. Uh, I guess I'll attack the spear then. Okay.

you're gonna have to make an attack roll on it it's got a pretty pretty dope a C 13 plus 7 so 20 okay and then a D10 D 10 okay D10 that's a 5 plus 6 so 11 okay yeah you don't appear to have done any like noticeable physical damage to it you didn't like

take a chip out of it or anything like that. It is, I guess, a little bit looser, but... I hit it for 11 damage and did nothing? It is a car-sized, solid iron spear. I thought it was wood. No, I said it was iron, my dude. Oh, well, you know who that's on? That's on me.

Yeah. Next in the order is the tank, which is going... Wait, I get two attacks, bro. All right, Brosef, go for it. How far away is the tank? It's about 25 feet behind Hurley's wagon. Okay. Can I do like a strength attack and try to pull the spear out?

It has these, I don't know if I'm describing it well enough. It has these like barbs on it that like are hooked backwards so that when they went in, it's almost like it's locked itself into, you know. I mean, I feel you. Okay, then my second attack, I'm going to aim my bow at the cricket that's stabbing it, Merle. Okay. 12, 7, 19. That's a hit. For five damage.

Okay. Yeah, you see him, like, lifted both of his hands in the air with a knife in there, maybe about to get another stab off on your buddy. But you hit him in the tummy, and he takes a step back. He looks miffed. Next in the order is the tank who is going to retract the cable even further. You feel another sort of shutter from the car, another sort of squeal of protest from the tires underneath you. And you're now about 15 feet away from this tank. And the mouth of this tank, you start to hear like a whine from it as its servos and motors sort of begin to hungrily activate.

next thing in order is Taco Taco you are still sort of with the battle wagon another pylon in front of you you hear it heat up and another laser blast comes out of it this time

the sort of warning alarm gave Clark all the info he needed to get out of the way of it pretty easily and it leaves a black singe mark in the dust underneath you as you steer out of the way. I'm going to do a perception check on the tank to see if I can spy any points of vulnerability. Okay.

Got a 17. It looks absolutely invulnerable. You don't even know how these guys got into this thing. You can't find like a door or an entry hatch. It is, it looks like just a giant, big old chunk of metal. How do we solve his tank puzzle? Wait a minute. Go!

Hey, Clark. Yeah. Sorry, sorry, I mean, yes, sir. How far are we from the tank, Griffin? You're next to the wagon, so you're like 15 feet away from it. Perfect. Hey, Clark, can you scoot on over close to the tank? That seems dangerous.

Are you sure about that? Oh, positively, my dude. Are he slows the motorcycle down and pulls up next to the tank, and Clark says, what, what are you going to do? And now I'm worried. Hey, listen, we're buds, right? For life? Yeah, for, you're my main, are you asking you if you're my main dude? Yeah.

What does this tattoo say? Are we main dudes? I would say absolutely we're main dudes. Excellent. Can you hop on that tank for me? What do you mean? Yeah, I just, you know how the lasers keep shooting you and stuff? I'd really love it if you could hop on that tank for me.

It seems like it might be dangerous. Yeah, a little bit. But like buds. Anything. Dangerous levels. Of course, what am I saying? Danger is nothing between friends, he says. Of course.

Excellent. I'll take the reins, no problem. Just give it a leap. All right, you clumsily switch positions with it. How's your vehicle proficiency, by the way? I bet Travis is losing his mind. Like 30. Okay. Great.

You sort of... It's higher than Travis's. Not... That's what it just says on the sheet is higher than Travis's. Not possible. I doubt it. Travis... Magnus jumps from the battle wagon into the driver's seat of the motorcycle.

No. Okay. He, yeah, he jumps on to the side of the tank, and he is now holding on to the side of it. And he says, what's the next sort of thing? What's the next step here, boss? You just chill. Just chill on it. It's going to be fine.

Okay, if you say so. But listen, if you see the laser, don't get hit by that. Well, do make sure it does hit the tank for sure. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend, that guy who sat behind you in gym class. I don't know why there's a science eating in gym class, but there you have it. Thanks so much for listening to The Adventures Zone episode 26. I know I said in the last episode that this episode is going to be the last episode. in this arc, but things took a little bit longer, well, a lot longer than I expected.

So the next one, I'm like 90% sure is definitely going to be the last episode in this arc. I know it's going for a while, but you know how these fantasy races go? They get out of hand. I want to say thanks to everybody who tweeted about the show using the Zonecast, the hashtag. Whoops, that's not the right sequence for that word. Let me try that again. I want to thank everybody who tweeted about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. If you tweet about the show using the Zonecast hashtag,

might borrow your name. Might just take your name and stick it on an NPC in the next adventure arc. So yeah, get those tweets in now. I'll be honest, you have a little bit more time to get those in for the next arc than I originally thought. But you know how these races go? They get out of control. I have a few messages for you this week. If you want to get a message on this show to promote your small business,

your artistic endeavor, or if you just want to say, hey, or sup, or hit me up, or I deeply care about you to a friend, you can go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron, and then you can get a message on the show there. We have spots available for you to get your heart love out there. Hey, let me ask you guys a question, a deep personal question. Do you like space? Do you like sci-fi or science fiction, as some people call it? Do you like the planet Neptune? Let me propose that you visit Albert Breyer.com.

The word space, not just the actual, like, the character space. Go to Albertbrier.combeer. And check out Children of the Trident, a sci-fi novel that is only $2.99 on Amazon. $2.99. That's dirt cheap. Children of the Trident is a new science fiction novel by B. Albert Breyer. It's an adventurous story about the Trident Academy, an elite military academy in orbit around Neptune. When tragedy strikes, a small group of stranded students must work together to ensure their survival,

battling attrition and a mysterious, relentless pursuer. As the children work to survive, a deadly conspiracy is revealed that will change everything mankind knows about life and space. That's Children of the Trident. Check it out at albertbrier.com. Sounds equal parts spooky and thrilling and riveting. and then an extra dash of thrilling. I also have a personal message. This one is for Wren, and it's from Don Calzone, the Calzone King of Minnesota. Don Calzone says to Ren, you are the best person.

These past two years and question mark months have been the best of my life. I will never forget that time you discovered what air dumps were or when you secretly hit that car. I love you more every moment, and you're the best. I love you more every moment and you're the most best ever. Thank you for introducing me to the Adventure Zone and Mbim Bam and sharing your life with me. And then it says, but not, be you in an OT. Is that French, bignon? I think that's what they call those little delicious fried donuts.

Anyway, congratulations, Wren. It sounds like you've really locked down a champ. There's definitely an element of financial stability there, what with his successful Calzone biz. And just congratulations to both of you. That's quality love right there. Also, thanks to everybody who has subscribed to and rated the show on iTunes. That really helps us out a whole lot. Hey, go check out the other shows on MaximumFond.org.

There's a lot of other really, really, really great programs on there. Like The Flop House, who did our Switcheroo episode a couple weeks back. There's other shows that we do, like My Brother and My Brother and Me. There's other shows that we don't do, though, like Jordan and Jesse Go. Stop podcasting yourself. Can I Pet Your Dog? Baby Geniuses. All kinds of great shows.

Go to Maximumfund.org. Check them all out. Oh, one last thing. We're probably going to be going to the Fantasy Costco pretty soon, the store where our heroes can spend their money. So send us an item, if you want, at Adventure Zonecast at gmail.com. Just make sure it's not, you know, completely broken, overpowered item. and also not just like a silly goofy.

We appreciate silly goofs here, but in terms of like being added to the game, it can be kind of tricky and not great. So yeah, AdventureZonecast at gmail.com, that's our email address if you want to send us a fantasy Costco item or just say sup. That's it for this commercial message. The next episode is going to go up Thursday, November 19th,

and we'll talk to you then. Bye. You've convinced him to do this. Technically that was all talking, so it was a free action. Do you want to do something with your turn? I guess I'm not really close enough. It would take an action to get close enough to one of the other vehicles, right? No, you haven't moved.

You haven't done anything. You're in charge of this vehicle, which we'll say has garrul distance, so you can go wherever you want. And there's still a cable. I was not able to dislodge that. Yeah, I'm going to get it. Uh, the, uh, is the, is the mind control, uh, cricket within range? Uh, you can get within, you can definitely get within range. Yeah, I'm going to scoot up there and, and give them a quick. All right. Fuck yeah. With a twist of the throttle, you, uh, you jet up. This thing has a lot more sort of power than you, uh, maybe assumed, uh, because it sort of almost rips out from underneath you, uh, and you pull up, uh, sort of duck your way under the cable and, um, and, go within range of the flatbed truck with Merle and the other cricket on it.

All right. Mind control cricket is going to get a big heaping spoonful of scorching ray. Okay. Are you scorching ray? Sorry. That was Trave. Don't you ever apologize. What does that mean? You're just making a range attack roll?

Yep. How did they go? Pretty good. I'm going to make actually... Are you attacking? The driver or the... I'm attacking the mind control guy with two of them.

Fuck. And then the third will go at the driver. Okay. It's a range spell attack for each ray. What do I add to that? Your spell casting modifier. Okay. Which is five.

Six. Six. Six. Six, yeah. 21. That's the first one on the mind control. First one on mind control. Okay.

That's okay. Next one is 24. That's a hit. On the driver, we've got a... 18. Damn, son. Three hits. Okay, so I'm going to roll

2D6... 2D6 fire damage for each bolt. First bolt against my control. Well, the damage is the same for all three. I think. No, no. I had to make three range

to spell attack, so it's three different damage. Okay, whatever. because it's stupid target Yeah, we're just making shit up It's all fantasy First bolt does 11 against mind control Okay Next bolt does 10 against mind control

Okay Third bolt does Against the driver Does 8 Okay The mind control one You lift him up out of the car and see him go a good distance, also on fire.

So like double bad. And then I yell after him, Peace out, Psycho Mantis! Pretty good. And you see his protection bubble from his safety harness deploy, but he's very on fire. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's just like a little rotisserie.

You're basically just hotboxed Psycho Mantis. Shit, that is... That was for Geryl. That is what that was, wasn't it? And then the driver of the car, you blast through sort of the back windshield of the pilots compartment, and the blast continues out the front windshield, and then you hear just sort of a car horn coming from the flatbed truck,

just like a solid sort of car horn. coming from the flatbed truck. Oh, no. No, like he fell forward, but he's asleep on the wheel? And the flatbed truck begins to lose speed and sort of wobble with Merle, lying down in the bed of it. Merle, it is now your turn if you want to find a way out of this here, Pickle. All right.

The windshield's been busted out, right? The back windshield? The glass separating us? The glass separating you from, yes. Okay. I am going to use my stubby little legs. Okay. And vault through that open back windshield.

Okay. I'm going to feed first. Okay. Kick that cricket. I mean, kick the cricket away from the steering wheel and out the door. Okay. Maybe an acrobatics check if you're trying to, like, do a leap through a small window. Okay.

I'm very acrobatic. I believe it. Is that 11 plus... What's your... What's... Let's say three? Three. Yeah, 14.

Yeah, okay. You leap through the back window. You see the driver. He does have a hole in him and is not especially moving. And he's leaning forward on the horn, but you give him an Indiana Jones-style kick out of the compartment

and out of the wagon. His bubble also deploys in vain. Oh, good. Thank goodness. And he goes bouncing back into the distance. Was he a Nazi cricket? Do we know that? Absolutely he was.

All right. Just go ahead and assume if you killed somebody in this game, they were a Nazi and had it coming. All right, good. And that was just my move, right? Yes. That was not my action. Well, no, you did kick a guy. I think that's not technically.

I mean, your foot was involved, but we can't just say if your foot's involved, it's movement. I moved my foot into him. Okay. But can I get it? grab the steering wheel? Yeah, sure. Okay, yeah, you have taken control of the flatbed truck and another fucking vehicle enters the game. You hear a horn also, uh, as he goes flying out. Well, I edit those into the show. I don't know if you've listened, so you don't need to, like, do them. Oh. That was just very confusing for our listeners. Yeah, too, they got two horns.

Again, listeners, I apologize. That was not a canonical horn. Uh, next in the order is Magnus. So it's just, uh, you got Hurley's battle wagon with the spear coming out. connected to the tank. You got Taco driving this motorcycle. Taco, remember, you don't have a safety harness anymore because you threw it off the back of the car when you were mind-controlled, so be careful about that. And you got Merle, who is now driving a truck.

We got ourselves a convoy. 10-4, back door. Okay, I delay, but I'm in the gunner compartment. Okay. next to the order is the tank. But before the tank can do anything, you pass by another pylon, and you hear another alarm horn come out of it,

and you see Clark sort of ready himself for what's about to happen next, because what happens next is a bright red beam comes firing out of the top of it and cuts a path through the top of the shark tank and it basically decapitates the top of it. You see it, the top of the shark tank just sort of start to slide backwards

off of the back of the tank. It cuts the sort of top of the mouth off of the tank. The cable is still a... attached, but now you can sort of see the harpoon gun that fired on you guys. You see a pair of legs just fall over, and you can see sitting in the captain's chair of this wearing a hammerhead jacket. You see somebody sit up who avoided the death beam, and it is Marvie, the only survivor member of the Hammerhead gang sits up. And you also see the top of the car that's, the top of the tank that sort of slid off as you cut a hole clean through it. You see Clark almost kind of like

surfing off of the back of it. And as it hits the ground, you actually see him sort of ping pong off and go rolling backwards, hitting the ground. You don't. No safety harness for him. No. Good job, buddy. Love you. Thanks, dude. You hear Marvie yell. Damn you guys. Damn you guys!

And pull back on a lever and the cable pulls back even further. And the teeth are now in biting range of the car and basically just buries all of its teeth into the trunk of the car. Very narrowly missing Magnus. And it's now sort of lifting the back tires up. Raven in the distance far off in front of you is starting to blow your guys' doors. Unbothered by all these other racers, she's, she looks like she's about to handily win this thing. Next in the order is Taco. Oh, no.

I didn't. Well, I'm assuming. I would like to. Yeah. Yes. So, can I jump into the car now? Yeah. Well, you, it would be more of a climb, but yes.

I would like to get into the shark now. Okay. Make an athletics check and you can get up into this compartment. Okay, that's a 13 plus 7.20. Okay. Yeah, you leap up, take a running leap and sort of mantle over the front of this shark tank. You see a pretty grisly scene inside. That beam got actually a couple guys.

And you are standing sort of. dominant over Marvie. All right, I want a two-handed attack. Okay. That's a 15 plus 22. Okay, yeah, that's a hit. And that does 10 points of damage. That's seven plus 13 points of damage.

Okay. Yeah, he takes all of that. You catch him square in the left arm and leave a big old gash in there. And you hear a snap. You're not sure where it came from, but that's not good. Is there some kind of like release or something I can hit? Like an ejector button?

It's not James Bond-ass-in-law. No, no, no. For the spear. I mean, there's actually a lot of buttons on the dashboard. There's not one that says like press here to DeSX Machina, but... I want to attack the dashboard. Okay. That is 16 plus 7 at 23.

Okay. Yeah, with a 23, the, uh, you go ahead and deal damage. Eight plus six, 14. Okay.

Uh, yeah, uh, you, you bring your, uh, your, your axe down on the dashboard of the shark tank.

Um, and an explosion of sparks actually shoots up at you. Uh, and, and, and deal seven, uh, lightning damage to you.

Uh, but the, uh, The bottom jaw sort of unhooks itself from the car, and the cable comes free from the gun. You still have the spear in the back of the car, and the cable loose from it, but you are now completely disconnected from the shark tank. And the car plops back down, the back tires of the Hurley's Battlewagon plop back down on the ground with a kachunk. Cool. Next in the order is Taco.

Taco Graves the handlebars And fucking guns it For what Towards the Raven Okay Top possible speed Top possible speed

Okay Um Ludicrous speed Ludicrous speed She's about She's about like a hundred feet In front of you Yeah

Um Uh huh Uh huh go on You But did you hear But did you hear when I said I gunned it Can you think of Yes, you are gunning it.

Can you think of any way to make this thing go any faster? I can. What you got, Dad? What about the secret red button on Hurley's truck? Well, he's not in Hurley's truck. I'm not in Hurley's truck. I'm on a motorcycle. What about Blink?

No, Blink could get me like 30 feet. Yeah, I guess I could... Okay. Okay, I want to try this and see how this goes. I'm going to cast Enlarge on the motorcycle. Okay. If I double the speed, if I double the size, then I would, by extension, double at speed, because it's covering more terrain in half the time.

Is that what Enlarge does? It doubles the size of a thing? It raises the size one category, so I don't know what that. I mean, oh, it double. Yeah, it doubles. It doubles in all dimensions. Okay. So yeah, it's going to be a giant motorcycle.

Okay, yeah. That's all I can come up with. All right. I think it will work. Okay, I'm into it. Okay, yeah, you double the size of this motorcycle, and it is, in fact, going faster now. I think scientists, if you're a science-minded person,

I'm not interested in it. You just cast a spell on the thing. Don't tell me about physics. Yeah. You channel this spell as you're totally, ripping that motor. And as the motorcycle enlarges, you're actually kind of hanging off of the handlebar a little bit.

Like, it's not really taco size anymore. Yeah. I don't need the whole handlebar. I just need the gas. Okay, yeah. But I'm saying you're almost literally, you got a little bit of your butt still on the seat, but it's almost like you're hanging off of these handlebars.

Perfect, excellent. Because you've just made it very, very big. But it is thrilling. It is going very fast now. and you get up behind Sloan about 30 feet or so. Perfect. All right. Next to me order is Merle.

Oh, Lord. Okay. I just have this feeling that red button is important. I'm going to steer the truck as close as I can to Hurley's vehicle. Okay. And even though I'm a stumpy little dude, I'm going to try to leap back onto Hurley's vehicle. Okay.

All right. Yeah, you kick open the driver's side door of the flatbed truck as you pull alongside, and it's your turn. What are you doing? Rolling, I guess, you could make a, this isn't necessarily acrobatic. You could do athletics if you're better at that. And you are. 19? Yep.

You leap over and land on top of the car. You want to slide. Actually, do you want to get it? A 19 is good enough to get you actually in the shotgun. So I could hit the big red button now? Yes. It's got one of those like hatches over it, like that you have to use to... Like the NORAD guy.

Yeah, so that's two actions. He's got to lift the hatch and then press the button. It's a really heavy hatch. It's a really heavy hatch. Is that true? No, actually, as you lift up that hatch, Hurley looks over it and goes, One second, Bronco, let's get all our chickens home to roos before you kick that bad boy off. Oh, okay, text.

All right. Bucaroo. Okay, yeah, because I want to wait until Magnus gets back on board. Yeah. Because Merle's gone. Taco's gone. You're Merle. Taco, yeah.

Appreciated. All right, I will delay my action and prepare to push a button. Okay. You can just prepare to hit the button when everybody's, or whenever. Okay. That's what I do. Cray is next. Crate already went.

Bore went. Marvie goes next. and he reaches down under the dashboard that you've just annihilated and he pulls out a big old hammer and he's going to swing that at your knees

to try and sort of get you off balance. Mm-hmm. And he rolls at 21. Okay, that does hit my AC and I am going to use Perry. That's only if you... Miss, isn't it? No, peri, repost is if missed, Perry is when hit, use reaction dice to reduce damage.

That is a D8, by the way. Yeah, D8 plus dex. Okay, well, let me roll the damage first. Okay. 14. 3 plus 2, so I take 9. Okay. You said 14?

Yeah, you take 9 points of damage. Yeah. And he doesn't exactly sweep you off your feet. but your knee hurts and it's your turn. Okay, now I want to jump onto the thing. Okay. Well, hold on. First, I want to attack him.

I was about to say, let me attack him and then I'll move. Okay. That is a 12 plus 7, 19. Yep, that's a hit. Four plus 6. 10? 10, yeah. You bring the axe down on him. He spins a full 3-160 degrees as,

gore splirts from him and he gives you a male finger and then he falls to the ground dead we've really backed off the no killing thing haven't we and then his bubble deploys and he just very slowly you just you're like as he just slides off of the back of the car really I jump on really really slowly now I'm going to jump onto the ram okay she's she's like directly underneath you Yeah. So you don't have to roll for that. You basically just step down back onto the car. And you are on the car.

And I brace. Okay. For what? I don't know. Okay. You're going to snap yourself back into the safety rails? Yes. Okay.

Can I push the big damn button now? Hurley says, she actually yells up. Tucker, you get up there! Are we going to win? Do you want us to win? or what? I desperately want us to win. I got it.

Okay. Well, just as a backup plan, she leans over to you, Merlin says, uh, let's do this thing. All right. I'm going to hit that red,

big red ass button because I think it's going to give us nitro-injected funny fuel. You hit it, and a tiny console pops out and gives you cappuccino. Somewhere in the distance, ludicrous smile.

Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm Lisa Hannawalt. And I'm Emily Heller. And if you're not listening to our podcast, Baby Geniuses, you're missing out on stuff like Camille Nangiani, solving the Zodiac murders. Who's like, would you ever go to a friend and you're like, hey, could you lick all these envelopes for me?

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