The Adventure Zone - Ep. 28. Lunar Interlude II: Internal Affairs

Episode Date: December 3, 2015

Our heroes return to the Bureau of Balance's moonbase after a job kind-of well done. They've got a lot waiting for them: A heated debrief, a major change in the payroll and, of course, a visit to everyone's favorite fantasy bulk shopping outlet. Magnus makes a tentacle connection. Merle gets Zone of Truth-blocked. Taako really just wants to get down on some Quiznos. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. My name is Johan, but nobody's ever going to know who I am. And I don't know, it just gets to me sometimes, you know? As far as you know, is there another, like, are there, is there a bad Bureau of Balance? Like a Bad Beer of Inbalance? As far as we know, the rogue wizards who called themselves Red Robs created all of these weapons of mass destruction, these red robes, are all gone. As he falls, you see a figure standing behind him,

but you can't really make out its race definitively, because all you can see is a bright red robe. Who's ready to do some character management? Come on, guys, we got to do it at some point. It's the adventure. We haven't had this situation before where I've got a bit of a sinus thing going on. And so I guess like interpreted in fiction, everybody at the Bureau of Balance is going to be sick. Like everybody you talk to today is going to have like a little bit of a head cold or something.

Maybe they got a mold thing going on. Oh, that, oh, you hate to see that. That's going to cost you. That ain't cheap. Yeah. Once you get that black mold, these floating moon bases, what you're going to do? You're going to get floating mold truck up here? You've got to move to a better moon base at that point.

That sucks. Anyway, the three of you have just returned from your successful mission in the pedals to the metal story arc. You know, I feel Griffin that success is how you define it. We had a good time. We became better friends. That's good. Did you, the latter thing? Well.

Okay. Anyway, you're in one of your floating balls, and you've returned up one of the moon bases shoots. and have just arrived in the hangar. And as the door to your ball opens and you emerge into the hangar of the Bureau of Balance's Moonbase, you see a big crowd of Bureau employees they're waiting silently,

and as you step foot into the hangar, they all just explode into uproarious applause. And they're all cheering. Yeah, they do. And is this the kind of thing it happens every time we come back from anywhere? Like, have we grown used to this, or is this new? Yeah, this is just the first time I told you about it. Just to assume that everywhere you go, whenever you walk in the room, people are just exploding with a prorias a plus. No, this is the first

time you got in this particular treatment. And they all look kind of sick. And Avi runs up to you with a bit of a runny nose, and he runs up to you and says, guys, that was amazing. We were watching all of that. We watched the whole battle wagon race. That was like the most exciting, thrilling thing I've ever seen. You guys are nuts. You didn't see the part where I used the bathroom before the race, did you? No, no,

we were just watching through the pylons. We didn't. I don't watch you every time you go to the bathroom. Okay. How would I mean, I mean, how would I even get my hands on that kind of technology? Listen, did you, did you own, what would it have been like if you would only listen to it, though? Can you

imagine. Well, no, because like the sick stunts and jumps and stuff you guys were doing, like, that would, that just wouldn't translate audio. Yeah, it just wouldn't have translated. Yeah, I really liked, uh, I liked how you made that one goblin slide, go up in the sky, and it was like, and then you were like, eat this. And maybe you didn't say that, but that's how I remember it. And then it, like, shot in the sky, exploded and all the people on it died.

Shouldn't we have gotten some kind of payment for that? I mean, in there some kind of rights? We didn't sign anything away. Yeah, that's true. You'll be hearing from our fantasy lawyers. You're part of our Patreon, right? You're paying for this access. If we keep joking about that, it's good.

It was streaming on witch. What's that? It's like magical Twitch. It's like magic Twitch. Oh, there you go. Dad, Twitch is a service that... I know what it is. Do you?

Explain it. Are you up there all the time? Dad's climbing that hearthstone ladder today on Twitch. I'm a Twitcher. I don't think that's true at all. That's because you don't get enough potassium, my dude. We're having some fun now. Avi looks at you and with a start.

He says, oh, that's right. The director wants to see you as quick as you possibly can in her chambers. She needs to dispose of the relic. Oh, yeah You should You should get over there You should get over there Post haste

She seemed She seemed a little upset Oh He sneezes Sorry about that Oh, bro bless you We go there Okay

You do that Do you make your way Do you need to play Like some walking music here Boom Bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo No I don't want to overdo it with like the interstitial tunes If we did one of any time

You make your way to the big central dome on the far side of the big grassy quad and enter into the kind of throne room situation that the director has set up here. And as you walk in, she doesn't exactly greet you warmly. She says, do you have the belt? Yeah. Do you have the belt? She sighs and sneezes a little bit, has a bit of a sniffle. She says,

Davenport! And a familiar little known man walks out carrying a cart with a lead ball on it, with a glass window. Proud favorite Davenport. He pops the glass window on this heavy ball open and says, Davenport. And Port points to the hole. I have the bell. Okay, put the bell in the hole.

If you mean the sash. Well No Sash is just a flowery way to say belt No What is that I whip out the sash Okay

And I walk over to the hole I look at it A little doubt in my mind But I drop it in Man I love this fucking This like meticulous moment to moment The sash swirls down Yeah I love this

I'm way into it We never should have gotten dad Those creative writing classes For Christmas All right, I stroll over to the vociferous hole. Nice. No, none. No, that's actually a monster and Harry Potter.

Okay, the shit's in the thing. Okay, the shit's in the thing. Davenport winks. Why? And he shuts the glass window on this heavy doll. And wheels the cart back through the door behind the throne that the director is sitting on. And then shortly thereafter, you see a guard wheel that car. into the large illuminated chamber that the director pulls a string and the curtain parts,

and you can see into this large illuminated chamber. The guard picks up this big heavy ball and places it on a pedestal in the middle of the chamber. He walks out of the chamber, and the director taps her staff firmly on the ground, and suddenly, like you have seen, what, three times already? Or is this the third? This is the third. Like you've seen twice already The ball is lifted into the air

By these beams of light As dozens of these beans of light Just sort of pierced through it There's a deafening roar And then the lights shut off The ball descends back to the pedestal A guard comes in Picks it up

It's a little hot He's doing a little bit of hot potato with it It puts it back on the cart Wheels it back in the room Opens it up Full of sandwiches Full of sandwiches You figured out the true

You figured out the true nature of the Quiznos chamber. We solved the Quiznos puzzle. That was just going to be like the resolution of Arc 7, but you've, I don't know how you pierced the veil. You know that this whole, whenever this happens, this is hotly discussed in the Reddit, in the Adventure Zone Reddit. Oh, yeah. Whenever an article is, one of these days, I'll remember to, like, draw something on the ball before it's taken away, like a magic trick where you write your initials on the bullet. Yeah, sure. But you didn't this time.

But I didn't this time. Is anyone else like dying for Quiznos now? I couldn't even listen to the shit you guys were shitting because I need to quiz. And here's, let me give you the real kicker. All the Quiznos here closed. No, what? Yeah. It's a Clizzo's Ghost town.

It's no way to be seen. Yeah. How did that, how did that, how did that, how did that, how did that, how did that, how did that, Happen? Was there some sort of union strike? If you can't keep a sandwich store open in Huntington, man, I don't know what to tell you. It's not really a food town. I'm dying for Quiznos. Please move.

Give me a, give my mind a fantasy so rich, it can banish the, the, the, toasty, crunchy, savory taste by gooey cheese. This episode is sponsored by Quiznos. I wish. We don't exist anymore. And we don't deliver. Not to cities where we don't operate. No, I doubt they would do that.

You have just seen another grand relic destroyed. Supposedly. Supposedly. And the director looks at you and she seems kind of bummed out a little bit. I give her a hug. No, she doesn't let you really get that close. to her. She just sort of holds up a hand I look at her, offers on the table.

Open invite. She says I saw the race. It was unconventional, but impressive, which might as well be the catchphrase for your trio. Yes.

I need to know something and I need you to tell the truth. Okay. Oh, wait. Yeah. I cast Zone of Truth. No, he doesn't. Oh, okay. I need to know what happened in Captain Bain's office. Oh, that.

Oh, that was crazy. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Is there somewhere we can talk about it where there won't be any prying ears? Anything you can say in front of me, you can say in front of Daven. No, it's not that I don't trust Davenport. It's like everyone else on this island thing. Okay, follow me. She takes you through another door to the left behind.

her throne, the door to the cerebro chamber, to the right, and you follow her into her private room. And she says, it's her private office and she says, okay, please, tell me everything. We do that. I cast detect magic. Oh, yeah. Just to make sure that we're like cool. All right.

If I send presents to magic within 30 feet of me, I can see a faint aura around any visible creature or objects in the area of the bear's magic, so it can permeate stone, metal, lead, or dirt. And I cover my mouth a little bit while I tell her just to help out. So wait, what are you doing, Magnus? I'm covering my mouth a little bit when I tell her what happened. Why? In case anyone's listening. For cameras. How much you watch football? You're like a coach calling a player. Okay, sure. Okay, so you're casting the tech magic. You don't detect any persons in the room other than yourselves and the director. I mean, at this point, when you cast detect magic, your guy's shit just like goes up like a Christmas tree.

Right, because we're sweet. And receive from the goshapon and the fantasy Costco a number of magic items at this point that are all lit up. The director has some stuff on her, too. Behind her desk, there's actually a really big portrait of herself. and it has some sort of magical property about it. It has a sort of illusion magic appended to it, but that's about as specific as you can get with it. I'm going to do an arcana check, Griffin.

Okay. On the painting. Okay. And let me see what I get. It's a 20. Whoa. Nice. Natural 20.

Legit 20. You have knowledge of magic. and you do know that there's some illusory magic on this and just sort of piecing together your knowledge of illusory paintings what it could be, it could be ethereal, it could be you can pass through it, it could be the actual image depicted on the painting is not what you're actually seeing.

Okay, well, while Travis, or sorry, what's this dumb fantasy thing? Yeah, Magnus. while Magnus I feel sometimes I feel kidnapped but my brothers are forcing and call them cool shit

his name is Travis folks okay so No I'm deep in character now How dare you While Magnus is explaining that I think I'll go over Just sort of like

Like If I could do this in a way That won't be hugely distracting Like I'm just sort of saddle up there And poke around on that Portrait see if I get anything else out But I'm not gonna distract us

I'm not to taste down A weird rabbit hole I'm just kind of curious. All right. Two things. First of all, if you're having a conversation with somebody, I'm not going to let you just do that. Well, I'm having, I'm having the conversation. That's a, that's an actual conversation.

If you want to do that, Taco, you're going to have to make yourself a stealth check. Well, good. Let me do something first. Let me distract her with a little magic trick. All right. I have 52 cards. Would you three stop dicking around and tell me what happened in Captain Bain's office? All right.

No, we will not. stop. Now, I have 52 cards. So he poured some some booze, tried to get us to toast it. We didn't want to toast it. Taco over there tried to cast Charm Person. It bounced off.

Then he slammed the booze on the ground, drank one glass of it. It was poisoned with some kind of like shadow root or something. Shadow Thorne, whatever. He died and then a dude in a robe showed up. I tried to

Punch him a couple times, tried to chop him with an axe. That didn't panic. Stop, stop, stop. What did he look like? Tell me everything. Did Captain Bain use a, I don't know. No, I know what Captain Bain looked like. He had a mask and he would, uh, it looked like a wrestler's mask and he had all these muscles.

That's not what Cain did him look at. From Batman. Oh. They were talking about the one who visited us. He was in a red robe, I think. He looked like a what? Orco, orco from. Uh, he man?

You're sure he was wearing a red robe. Yeah, that much, because I've tried to punch her a couple of times. She looks flabbergasted. She looks completely blown away. What's wrong? This is, the red robes are the order that created the Grand Relics. I warned you about them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they're all, they're all gone. They shouldn't be, they shouldn't be here. I mean, he might have been a good, good ghost. And he is gone now. He's gone. Yeah, yeah, he's not here. They're all gone. Did you, did you defeat him or something?

Well, oh, God, no. We tricked him. He seemed like he could have wrecked our shot pretty severely, actually. I couldn't even punch him. What did he tell you? Did you have, did you talk to the Red Road? He told us, like, be scared and that we would learn fear. We would understand fear.

I remember that part. I remember that being scared, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a whole thing about fear and being careful. And then I think he said that the director should give us a raise. I remember that part too Yeah look both ways before crossing the street Yeah close cover before striking

A lot of good stuff like that Stuff about tearing the tag off a mattress All right, okay, all right, okay, all right, okay, okay Okay, okay Hey listen, Taco clept out on a little bit of that poison stuff That he, remember you took the rest of the bottle Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got some of the bottle here Would that help?

Why would poison help? Well, no, it's just like if you could get any details out of it. You just sit it down to the boys in the lab? Do you have a lab here? Do you have a fantasy lab? No, it's in development. Listen, I need the three of you to listen what I'm about to tell you very carefully. And I love your shenanigans.

I do. I genuinely love your shenanigans. That's both true. The zone of truth on that one. No, it's, it's, you guys are fun to watch. But if you encounter, the man in the red robe again just run away as quickly as you possibly can

if they if they do some sort of mind control on you and they figure out what we're doing here with our operation that's that's the ballgame boys I'm not joking about this if that red robe person figures out what we're doing here and finds their way up to the up to our base that's it but what if it just turns out to just be like a person

in a red robe having nothing to like lowercase R's, just like somebody who bought a red robe out of store and is wearing it. I suppose there's an outside chance that a person bought a red robe and then somehow became a ghost or something. Well, I would have to punch it to find out, wouldn't I? Well, that sounds like your M.O. anyway. Listen, promise me. What if it was Hugh He Hefner? He wears a red robe all the time. Promise, promise me. Do they, are they privy to the, um,

The information that the void fish hid, they're all like in the loop, right? No, they shouldn't be. But they also shouldn't exist, right? Like, I mean, we don't know anything about these cats. We don't know anything about these cats. They're breaking all the rules. Another good reason we need to act with caution around them. Promise me.

I'm just trying to remember if there's any other important things that, like, we forgot from the last story arc that people will be like, Why didn't they tell them about? I didn't know him about this. Clark showed up. Plark was there. Oh, yeah. He was, do you know Clark? What is it?

Have you met Clark? What's a Clark? It doesn't matter if it's fine. It's a hot track. Listen. And then, wait, let me try it. Let me try something. And then the three adventures told her everything that would be relevant to what they had just done.

I'm, I am. And it was good. What did you hear just then? I heard you say the three adventures No but it wasn't me clearly No, no, that was his voice I'm sorry for greeting you So terselly earlier

Captain Bain and I were very close friends And I just can't I can't believe I can't believe he was turned by the thrall Of the Gaiasash Did you taunt him with it in any way Did you even wait at him? I think he was turned before we got there

Yeah, it seemed like a charm. I tried to charm him, and whatever it charmed him must have been, to put it wildly, extremely powerful, because I couldn't, I could not charm him myself. Don't, don't discount the thrall that these items have baked into them. The three of you are the only people I've ever met, I've ever known that have been able to resist it. Yay! And to that end, I have something I need to talk to you about. Here comes the raise. The three of you have saved single-handedly, I guess six-handedly,

saved this organization. And Captain Bain's betrayal is proven that nobody else, possibly on the planet, is capable of resisting this thrall. So we only had a few other reclaimers in our order, and I've reassigned them to other jobs. It's just you three now. Moly motion. Naturally, yes.

you will be reassigned to lodging more deserving of your accomplishments, private change. Oh, yeah. With an unbeat of us. Yeah, Pringles has to come with us or no deal. Who is Pringles? He's our roommate that wants us to get Pringles.

We haven't been back in a while. He's going to be so surprised. Or dead. You're talking about, you're talking about Robbie? Yeah, Robby Pringles. Don't, don't concern yourselves with Robbie. any of. Oh, no.

Uh-oh. What happened to Robbie? Robbie has been thrown into the brig. We're going to be keeping an eye on him for a while. Pringles? Because he loved Pringles too much? Did he pop and then neglect the stop? Hey, if that's a... If that's a crime, we all deserve to be thrown in the brig, right? Oh, I hear you. Those things are ridiculous. What do they put those things?

Don't focus on that right now. It's time for happier news. I'm putting you guys up in the best seats in the house. the best dormitory we have available to us. I'll take this office. No, it's still mine. Do we get double O status? Oh yeah, we want license to kill. We've been a license to kill. We've been so restrained up to this point.

I'd be willing to talk to you guys about new titles. Right now, you're just reclaimers. But since it's just the three of you, we could call you any damn thing we wanted. I'm a little hard, high, awesome sauce. No, that sounds dumb. You said awesome sauce out loud, now you have to go to the Phantom Zone forever. I want to call Dibbs on lead reclaimer.

I want to be chief reclaimer. Oh, no, wait, Captain Reclaimer. Oh, that's even better. I want to be Doc Reclaimer. Okay. So just, I'm going to just shorthand still call you guys reclaimers, I guess. I have another thing that I need to talk to you about. because we're putting all of our resources behind the three of you,

it's time that we offered you greater assistance when you're on a mission. And to that end, we've hired a new seeker whose sole responsibility will be providing you with live intel when you're hunting down a grand relic. Can I see your Stones of Far Speech for a moment? Sure. Yeah. What are those? You fork over your three walkie-talkie-esque stone. of far speech and she withdraws a small wand from her robes and she points it at each one and twists her wand a little bit and hands them back to you. And she smiles because the next

thing you hear comes from your stones of far speech. You hear a voice say. Uh, yeah, just drive up to the drive-through window and, uh... You hear her voice say, hello, sirs. It's the poor detective. It's Angus. And the door behind you. opens and standing there in the doorway, you see holding another stone of far speech, Angus McDonald. That's my dude.

By popular demand. I had a sworn you died. He is wearing a bracer of initiation. And he walks up to you guys and says, that's right. I'm going to be working pretty closely with you three from now on. I take his razor away. You pull on it, but it's like firmly attached to him.

Okay, so we're still doing this, huh? This is embarrassing. If you put a gun in my head, I would have sworn you died. Well, I was super good to see you, though. You guys destroyed the train, and we all jumped off of it, and you gave me the only remaining piece of flatware from my grandpa's set. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all coming back.

The director says, Angus was, well, Angus was beginning to be a bit of a thorn in our sides. He began to take on some cases from people, Planet Side, who began to file these missing persons reports for people they couldn't remember. And it began to get kind of complicated, and he was getting a little bit hot on our trail, so we figured, you know, if you can't beat them, hire them.

So now he's our pet. And she towsles his hairs a little bit, and he blushes. Aw. Now we own Angus. Well, I don't know. I'll add him to my inventory. I wouldn't say that much, but if you do have questions about something or if I have any intel about a mission, I'll be able to give it to you guys on the fly. Good boy, Angus.

Well, I'm not a dog. Good boy. I'm just a coworker, I would say that. Good to see you, Angus. Yeah, this has been great. And you're not dead, right? Just to double check. Still, corporeal.

Are you evil? No, I'm great. The director. reaches down to her desk and pulls out a roll of parchment and jots some stuff down on it and hands it to you, Magnus. And she says, I need the three of you to do me one last favor. If you can report down to the voidfish's chambers and give this to Johan, we need to feed the void fish this particular information. I look at that paper. Can we read it first? I suppose if you want, it's, it's information about Captain Bain.

When a member of our order passes away, we have to get rid of all knowledge of them from the world below. It's sort of an ugly part of the job, but it's necessary to keep little rascals like Angus off our case. That little asshole? Well. Yeah. Okay, we take it down to Johann. Okay, yeah, you know the way. So we can hurry and get some shit.

Yeah, you're getting close. I give it to the voidfish. Have we ever spoken to the void fish? Is it possible to speak with the void fish? You haven't tried. You make your way down down the long, long elevator with its soothing music that you took a ride with Johan that one time. And you walk down the hallway that is lined with guards. and you pop open the door to the Void Fish's chambers with your bracer.

And inside you see Johan. And he's dressed in his silly bard gear. You see the Void Fish. And you see a human man that you have not seen before. Human man. Who are you? He doesn't pay you any attention. Human man is having a, it sounds like a heated argument.

With the Voidfish? With Johan, actually. Oh. This guy is saying, we don't know anything about this. We don't know anything about this creature and we're putting all of our faith into it. What if it, wait, we don't know what's life expectancy? What if it just dies of old age? Are they talking about taco?

What if this thing reproduces asexually and, you know, pops out a kid that makes us forget its own existence? Then we'd be sunk. You've got to let me take a look at it. I've got animal proficiency. I think I can answer it. Listen, we're having a conversation. Can you just hold on a second? What makes you think you can just...

Oh, I don't like this guy. All right. You, uh... Pump the brakes there, person, man. What, uh, what seems to be the problem? Oh, it's you three. Oh, yeah, we were watching. Yeah, we were watching your race.

Uh, we were, uh, we were all pretty impressed. Johan says, yeah, that was some, yeah, that was some pretty sick shit. All right. Let me, let me sign this eight by ten here. And what is your name? What name do I make it out to? My name is Lucas. Lucas Human man.

Human man. No. I was having a conversation with your lackey here saying that we don't know how this voidfish works. We don't know how it operates. And I'm asking him to let me take it back to my lab and just see if I can figure out what makes it tick. Okay, one, he's our goon. Not a lackey. Okay, well, fine.

And for another thing, we know. there is no lab. The director told us. Are you part of like the team here or what? What's your story? That's not, that's not actually important. I think it is. If you want to take old fish, you've got away from us.

I'm kind of curious if you've like drank the juice of the void fish or not. He would have to because he's using the words void fish. Yeah, I mean, I've had a good, good deduction there, Magnus. But yeah, obviously I've had a sip of that sweet stuff. Are you part of the pure appellate or what? What? You, I am over? He does not have a bracer.

Hmm. He says, I'm, I guess you could call me a consultant. But listen, I'm just going to go above your head there, Yohan, and go see the director about this. Because I'm not going to rest easy until we know how this thing operates until we know more about it. Because I don't feel comfortable putting the fate of the entire... He's interrupted by the voidfish. You hear the void fish almost like scream or sing, but it blasts out this long, steady note. I want to check in with Stephen the fish and see if this has affected him in any way.

Okay. He's been reduced to ash. I was hoping he would like, I don't know, sign to me. I recorded that whale. I recorded the voidfish's noise that now I'm taking it back to my time so I can communicate with the satellite that's making one of the voices. It's a muckle feel better. You heard the voidfish blast out this long, extended note, and then following that, two more notes in succession. And it's really loud.

It puts an end to the argument that Johan and Lucas were having. and it almost knocks you back a little bit I look at Lucas and say what he said It's really cool It's a really cool line and everybody's like yeah nice Nice Yo-Johan does go nice But Lucas says that's exactly what I'm talking

You don't know what he said We don't know what this thing He said fuck off It belts out another Three-note refrain And Lucas says Okay obviously I'm upsetting this thing I'm gonna go

talk to the director, have fun with your little pet, but if your pet had croaks for some reason, just know that that's on you. And he turns with a huff and walks out of the room. I put my hand on the glass in like a, hey man, it's going to be okay kind of gesture. It actually puts a tentacle up and puts it on your hand. Oh, dear God, that's beautiful. Yo-Han goes, uh, what in the whole shit is even going on? I've been watching this thing and feeding this thing for almost a year now. I've never heard it, I've never heard it like sing before.

I've never seen it like to have like a touching gesture with another person like that before. What's going on? Fishy's my dude. I guess I'm a little bit jealous. I don't know why fishies might. And the Void Fish plays its three notes again. And Johan goes, I have a theory, if you will. indulge me for a second.

Okay. He pulls out a... He pulls out a small harp, and he plays those three notes back to the Void Fish. And the Void Fish answers back with four new notes. Is it lovely? It's kind of lovely. The notes are kind of lovely.

Johann plucks them out on his harp again. And he seems to sort of taken... Like in this moment, like he seems like he's just kind of enraptured in this moment. And he keeps playing those notes over and over again. And pretty soon, him and the voidfish are almost like doing a little... Jamming? Yeah, they're jamming. Like, they're doing a little song together using the notes that the voidfish belted out.

Freebird! Play Freebird! You feel that as they're noodling. But they seem like they're both sort of hypnotized by each other with this song. But eventually the void fish kind of goes dark and stops. It's singing and just screams. And it's very scary, yeah. And it sort of breaks this spell that was sort of coming up between the two of them.

And it just repeats its notes again. Johan. Johan, that is what? What's going on? I was just, I don't know. I was just sort of playing that song. It sounded nice and I It's weird guys

Like it's not one of mine Like it's not one of the compositions I fed him We were just We just have a little A little moment there What's your theory? It's kind of nice though

I have Honestly I don't know It's this thing Unless this things like learning To compose music for me That would be kind of weird Is this a, Do you think it's a language

Did you get anything from this? No It's just a nice Just a nice song I got it a nice little musical memory What is it? No, I'm just saying like, I made a nice memory today, and I have my three friends here.

We need to do the rights of remembrance for old Captain Bain, though, if you have that parchment, the director went ahead and called down. He takes the scroll from you and loads it into the little chamber and pulls a lever, and you see it float up into the tank,

and the void fish consumes it. You guys have anything? You guys have anything you want to say? about Captain He was a good man And it was It was unfortunate Did he try to poison you?

It was unfortunate that he was corrupted at the end But we'll always remember the good that he did Supposedly before we met him Who are we talking about again? Captain Captain Bayne Captain Bayne Right He had a gruff voice

Not the gruffist mind you But still pretty gruff It was gruffish It was gruff It was gruff Yeah, yeah, that would be even better. He's no Mark Gruffalo, but, okay, so is he dead or what? Is there, if he remembered him enough?

Because that's literally all I remember about him, so. He did try to kill us. But we're not, that's not the kind of thing you talk about at a funeral. Yeah, that's true. Can I, um, can I ask you guys a question? Sure. Of course, Johan. Are you guys really okay with, with this part of the deal?

That we get forgot? I... Are you cool with, like, if you beef it down there, the world just forgets about you? Well, I'm not planning on ever dying. Yeah, like what he said. You know, will they forget everything? Like, I had a pretty popular cooking show for a while. Will they forget that?

I owe a lot of people money, so it actually is pretty beneficial to me. Yeah, it's kind of a wash. Anyway, I've just sort of existentially bummed myself out, so I'm going to head out. But you guys take her sleazy. For sure. Hey everybody, it's Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, your best friend, your Harvey Firestein, kind of, I sound like a bit right now. Thanks for listening to The Adventure Zone episode 28 in which we go to the moon, which is a convenient place where heroes like to go to level up and shit. Thanks to everybody who tweeted about the show using the Zonecast hashtag, we have a new NPC that we just introduced, Lucas, who is named after Lucas Miller, who is Lucas Churps on Twitter.

or if your name is also Lucas Miller, it's also you can say it's you. But that is the specific person I kind of drew out of the hat for this one. In the next arc, we're going to have a bunch of new characters. But yeah, thanks Lucas and thanks to everybody. He's been tweeting about the show using the Zoncast hashtag.

Don't give up. Believe in yourself, and you might end up as a character on the show. Thanks to everybody also who's been reviewing the show on iTunes and subscribing and telling their friends to subscribe. If you could please tell a friend to subscribe or tell a friend to listen to the show. We do not market or advertise the show in any conceivable way. So every tweet that you put out about the show really helps us a lot, and we certainly appreciate it. We have a website, theadventure.com.

We got some stuff on there. We always put up the new episodes to put up fan art that I really like. I started to put up some of the interstitial music, the simple, like, stinger music. I've been making for the show up on there, too. So if you like that, you can find it there. and yeah, I want to get character sheets up there too, but that's going to require my three family members who play D&D with me to keep good character sheets.

So I'll see about that. I want to share some love that some people sent to some other people. If you want to get a message on our show, you can go to Maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron and find out all the details on how to get a message on the show. It's really, really easy. Here's one for Seth, and it's from Mary Magdalene. And Mary says to Seth, happy second week of being 21.

The Jumbotron on your birthday got sold out. But still, here's a belated happy birthday from our favorite DM. Aw. Thank you for being my side always, especially this year, through thesis breakdowns and graduation and securities. You're good boy, and I love you. Now, it's time to hit the bars. You and me, Brother Bear. Sorry we couldn't get you that particular message on your birthday, but I like to think that your second week of 21 is really where you start to, the pupation process really reaches its peak and you come out of that, a beautiful, big, just drunk butterfly, I guess.

Happy birthday, Seth. Here's another message. It's for Adam, and it's from UCI Pals. I'm guessing that means Adam's UCI Pals. And that that's not just like the name of a children's family. or something. UCI pals say collectively to Adam, Adam, you had a big boo-boo, but you're getting better now. Your recovery must be blessed by Poseidon. May your gills pump hard and your swim bladder be ever inflated. Men well, and someday you too shall be a champion in the great halls of Taracas.

I hope the macaroys left that last part in, best fishes or wishes from your old fish buddies. Listen, there's room in here in this podcasting world for all kinds of adventure role-playing themed podcast. That's a hello from the Magic Tavern ref, which, yes, yes, now that you've brought that into our show, I'm filing a lawsuit against all of you. You hear me? UCI pals, I'm coming for each and every one of you. I need a list of names and addresses and sueability. Max fun is maximum fun, of course. our parent network, we're really happy to be a part of them. If you haven't, go listen to some of the other shows on the network.

They're free and they're really, really funny, like throwing shade. Stop podcasting yourself. Jordan Jesse Go, Judge John Hodgeman, there's a ton of really great shows on there. We do other shows in the network, too, like My Brother and My Brother and Me, and Sawbones, and Bunker Buddies. There's really great shows. We're really happy to be a part of the network. It's Maximumfund.org. Go get yourself a download.

That's it for the Money Zone for this episode. Thank you all again for listening. The next episode will be up on December 17th. So I will talk to you then. Bye. The three of you roll up to the goshapon, Leon's chambers, Leon, the artificer. I forgot to mention Davenport did give you three tokens. Of course he did.

As a reward for your good, good work. And Leon, whose voice, I forget how it goes. But it sounds a little bit different because he's sick. If it sounds different from usual, I've just. written an in fiction reason for that. He says, uh... Well played, Griffin. He says, uh, go, go right ahead.

You guys know the deal. Okay. I go first, I'm not going first this time. Yeah. I'll go first. Do you have a superstition about first person always gets the shittiest loot? Well, I've gone first. Yeah.

I've gone first before and got hosed. All right. Okay, I hand Leon my coin. Okay. Uh, Leon hands it back. You guys, I can't fucking, every fucking. in time. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, you have to put it in yourselves.

We can't give you... That's what she said. Leon just stands up and leaves him. I put the coin to the Gosha-Pon. All right, everybody, that's a series wrap on Leon. Let's hear. A great character that no longer exists on the show. You put the coin in to the token into the goshapon.

And now I roll, right? Yep. You roll a D20. 20. Perfect. And predictable. You turn it. You see a big old bubble in there, big old capsule, and it looks like it's got this awesome bladed throwing shield in it.

And you see it like jostle as you turn the crank, but it doesn't fall down. I punched the machine a lot. Leon runs back into the room. Don't, hey, for real though. Then get the shield out of it. That is not how any of this works. I want it. Leon walks back out of the chamber.

Dunsky. What does fall into the chamber is a kind of smallish capsule about the size of a cantalote. And you pick it up, and as you crack it open, you see that this capsule has inside of it a belt. And the buckle of this belt is pretty peculiar. It's got a dial on it. a little knob and around that knob you see a little

you see three symbols and one of them is looks like a flame and one of them looks like a little ice cube and one of them looks like a little lightning bolt ooh and you I guess taking over for Leon since you annoyed him

out of existence walk over to his big old book and flip through it under belts you find what you think to be the right description of this item It is the Defender's Dial. And once per day, you can turn that dial and activate the belt. And for five minutes, it will give you resistance to fire, cold, or lightning damage,

which means half damage for many of those three sources. Nice. Defenders belt. Nice. Defenders' dial. Defenders' dial. You sure it's not a sash? No, it's a belt.

Who's up? My turn, my turn, my turn. Okay. I put my coin in perfectly. No problem. There was something we had to turn. First try. You've just made me angry for Leon.

Yeah. It feels like you're antagonizing. But I do Leon. I feel like you're just antagonizing your real brother now. I turn around. I spin around without even looking just like bump the, the like crank with my elbow, like the fonds. Yeah. No stupid.

And it lands on eight. Okay. Ooh, okay. A pretty sizable capsule pops out. It's almost rectangular. And as you crack this open, you see a slick black leather cloak inside of it. And as you hold it up, this cloak has like a badass hood. And as you as you put it on and hold your arms out, it almost looks like it kind of

has wings a little bit outstretching from it. And you look up cloaks in Leon's big old book and you deduce that this is the cloak of the manterey. And this is a black leather cloak that grants magic users plus one AC. And what's cool about it is when submerged in water, it transforms and it grants the wearer an additional plus 2 AC water breathing and it allows you to swim 60 feet. It gives you 60 foot movement speed underwater. Wow. So it kind of like almost turns you into like a slick Manta ray and gives you additional powers when you're underwater. Cool.

But it gives you plus 1 AC when you're on land as well. Great. You know this means our next mission will be on a desert, right? Next in the order, I guess, is Merle. You're only one left. Yeah. All right. I hold my coin on my shoulder and let it roll down my arm into the slot perfectly.

Okay. Do a slight a hand check for me. Okay. Do I roll one of these dice things? Yeah, the one with the number 20 on it. Two. Okay. It actually doesn't go in the slot and it rolls down the room and

down in a grate and it falls down in a grate and it's gone. Okay. It's just keeping in the way things usually work. But it's not a very deep grate. And I reach in and get it. You fish it out, yeah. All right. I'll just put it in very meekly and mildly.

No, part of me wants you to keep doing the stunt until you pull it off. All right. I try it on the other arm this time, the other shoulder. All right. And it's a 19. It is. It is. Fuck yeah.

Nothing but neck. And we've just determined that you are left-handed. Yeah. You drop it in and roll that die. All right. Six. Six, okay. You get the throwing shield.

No. You get a really small capsule pops out. Of course. That you can hold in your hand. And when you pop it open, there is a, a pendant, and the icon on this pendant is a little red cross, almost like the, like a first aid kit symbol. And as you look in the book under pendants, you find a picture of this item with the description. It is the physician's pendant. After casting a spell that causes a creature to

restore hit points, roll a D20 on a roll of 16 plus. That spell did not cost you a spell slot. Ooh. Oh, sweet. Sweet. And what's it called again? So any time you cast a healing spell, roll a D20. And there's basically a 25% chance that you get to keep the spell slot.

Now, did it? Let me ask you a question. All of these seem pretty specific to us. Do you have 20 different items for each of us that it could be? I have a list of items for each of you what it could be. So Magnus is not going to get like a wizard shit. Let me just say, once again, DMing, knocking it out of the park, that's genius.

Excellent work. I think that's a really cool mechanic. Excellent work. Thanks. But honestly, I think, you know what my greatest creation is. What? It's the everybody's favorite retail shopping franchise. You're in the Fantasy Costco now.

That's that catchy jingle, that chart-topping tune plays as you as the sliding doors open. I got fair I had a sell ringtone. I think Barry Manilow made that one. and a haunting semi-spectoral vision floats up to you and goes, Welcome to Fantasy Costco. I'm Garfield, the Deals Warlock. Fuck me. We've got a lot of exciting deals for you today if you're willing to part with your coin.

How many monies do we have? You each got 1,800 gold pieces. You got 4,500 as your winnings for the race. And you got 900 for the lockbox that Travis, that Magnus beat in a poison drinking contest. And if that doesn't sound familiar to you, it's because it happened five fucking months ago. But that was episode one of pedals to the metal. I also would, don't we get money from the bureau for doing the mission? Not for this one, actually, because the winnings were illegal.

The winnings were illegal. And so, like, they were just like, you know, why don't you just take that instead and it'll be kind of like a fun raising. It's almost like they were trying to like maintain balance. Yeah, like that's sort of their whole thing, right? Like it's sort of like right there in the name. Yeah, right there. And Doctor the Books. Yeah, kind of like a little bit juice it.

Okay. So I'm looking at a just a whole wide array of. Yeah. This is an amazing list. Yeah, there's a ton. I want to highlight a couple just because like I know we won't be able to afford this one. But John Williams' eight-year-old son, Colin, created the flaming poison, flaming, poisoning, raging sort of doom, a steel at the 60,000 gold pieces.

So that one is sitting, that one's sitting in like a big old, like, safe with a glass display case. Right. It is an important item here at the fantasy Costco. A gigantic blade, wreathed in flames with a crooked, oozing scorpion, sting. a fix to which point deals on extra 20 melee damage. I would like to steal that. What do I roll? A 40.

Something tells you that would not be successful. Okay. So just round down the list. I'm just going to bust out some of the things because I know, I'll probably post these on the Tumblr, but I don't think everybody's going to read that. You've got a rusted can of cheer wine that is sitting on the store shelves. It looks like it's been through hell, but it seems to be just radiating this vital energy. The one I really like was sent in by Chris Callison Birch. It's the shield of heroic memories.

Yeah, I'm getting that one. Okay. Chris did such a good job crafting this item that I can't not buy it. Okay, well, if you're going to buy it, read the description because it's fucking radical. This is one of the coolest thing. This is perfectly round Silver Shield initially has a mirror finish. As a hero takes it into battle, it remembers the enemies encountered, gaining a plus one to AC on any subsequent battle with creatures of that type. The events of the battle are intricately engraved into the shield's surface, which has a seemingly endless capacity for detail. Like, that's bad.

That's fucking radical. And then my boy Chris Callison Burch took it up another level with this next part. The bearer of the shield may also attempt to recount past battles real or imagined to the shield. Upon a DC-10 charisma check or a DC-15 bluff check, the shield confers a plus one AC against the creatures described in the tall. tales. Three failed attempts at recounting stories causes the shield to be cleared of all its memories. The engravings disappear. It reverts to his mere finish. All bonuses are lost.

So this is a shield that remembers shit that you fight and gives you a plus 1 AC whenever you fight them again or you can lie to the shield and say, oh yeah, Cobalt's totally fought those dudes. That's fucking great. It's brilliant. Now, does that stack? What do you mean? Does that, if you fight cobalds like twice, do you get plus two AC? No, no, no, no. It's just always plus five. Okay, got it. Or else that would get crazy.

We got Asher Volmer sending the anti-gravity sphere, just like a little bomb that you throw that disables gravity around you. Drew Davenport sent this one, and I really like it, to Glutton's fork. Once a day, this fork will allow the user to eat any non-magical item they can fit into their mouth and gain two B6 points of health. Just tap on the fork. Tap the fork on the item, and it will turn edible. You got the Champions Belt from Ben C, which lets you once per day instead of making a wisdom or charisma check.

When you would make those checks, you can substitute your strength modifier. Phone of Friends Scrying Bones from Matthew Wallace. Those allow you to cast these bones that allow you to ask me a question and get like a yes or no answer. I really like the nitpicker that was sent in by Tom H. That's what I want. You want to buy that? Okay, good. I couldn't decide if I wanted that or not.

Can you read the description for me, Merle? Well, it resembles a miniature garden gnome that carries lock picking tools in his hands, and when not in use, it's just this four-inch tall statue. But twice a day, it can be placed in front of a locked object to unlock it. And at this point, the statue comes to life in order to pick the lock. After the lock is picked, or if he's not able to open it, it reverts back to the inanimate statue. Now, while picking that lock, the nitpicker critiques. any or all members of the party

on their recent performance in the campaign nothing escapes the critical eye of the nitpicker no matter how small the perceived offense I gotta have that That's fucking brilliant Yeah It's fucking good Okay so you're gonna buy that

Samantha Perimbas and in the plastic sheriff badge It adds plus three to bluff checks When impersonating a person of authority I like that got kind of a psychic paper feel to it got the flaming, poisoning, raising sort of doom from Colin. We talked about that. Bianca Rodriguez sent in the no-sodium salt shaker, which is a salt shaker. But if sprinkled over food or drink that contains poison, the salt turns a bright shade of pink.

There's the immovable rod. This one was sent in by a bunch of people. The first one I saw was Timothy Rina Ferry. The immovable rod is actually in the player's handbook. It's a flat iron bar with a button on one end. When the buttons push, the rod does not move from where it is, even if staying in place defies gravity. Thus, the owner can lift or place the rod where he wishes,

push the button and let go. Several immovable rods can even make a ladder when used together. Can support up to 8,000 pounds before falling to the ground. So you just freeze this thing in space. And then the last one, Eric Adkinson, and the diadem of fabulous truthiness, which once prolonged rest, you can cast a free zone of truth, but target a single target rather than a radius.

There's a bunch of other stuff on there also that I came up with, but we'll get to that if you want to buy it. If not, that's the stuff that people send in. Thank you so much for sending in your suggestions. If I didn't include yours, it was probably because it was just a little bit too complicated for us to use in regular play. We try to keep things fast and breezy here, or it was a joke, and I enjoyed that joke, but it didn't make the cut. I would like the Shield of Heroic Memories. It's 1,200 GP, got 600 left. And the glutton's fork. Now, admittedly, that puts me at 1950, but I would like to sell back my old shield for 150.

Let me see it. Let me see that bad boy. This is a Magnus Burnside's official merch. You could put this up if you open like a rock and roll hall of fame or something like that. That's not a bad idea. You boys, I see you increasing in equity by the adventure. Tell me, can you sign it for me? Yes.

I handed my Sharpie of truth. And I sign it. Oh, no. Oh, no, dear. I mint in blood. Oh, yeah, that too. Sure. It won't be in mint condition then.

Oh, I don't need it to be in mint condition. What are you going to do with it, Garfield? Let me just see that bloody shield and good transaction. Everyone got what they needed. Oh, no. Am I going to die? No, dear. That was Travis asking.

I'm terrified of Garfield the deals for a lot. Why? I'm just here to save you some Sponduli, my man. Okay, so, Merle, you're buying the Knit Picker, that's 900 GP. What are you going to get? I don't know. There's not a lot that's like blowing my skirt up. Well, I really like the nitpicker. I really like the phone of friend's crying bones. Okay, yeah, those are cool. That's 500, so that's 1400.

Did you want those? No, you're going to go nuts. I will appreciate having some options ruled out for me. Yeah. Can I hang on to the rest or... You won't remember. Yeah. Are you...

No, you're right. I won't remember. I got 400 left. Give me that can of cheer wine. All right. Yeah. I love you cheer wine. You take this can of cheer wine and like...

You don't know what it is, but like it looks delicious despite the fact that it looks like it literally has been through hell. Like there's burn marks and rust. all over it. You can only kind of make out the logo. You only know that it's cheer wine because the back of the can lists that it was brewed and beautiful

Atlanta, Georgia, probably. I don't know I'm making that up. You don't recognize... We have one right here. It's bottled under the... It's bottled in Salisbury, North Carolina. Oh, is it? By the independent bottlers

under the authority of Carolina beverage corp. Yeah. So, like, you don't understand those words, but you deduce that this drink that you're about to slam is called cheer wine. I'm enjoying a cheer wine as we speak. It's fucking great. You know what it's not as good as?

Quiznos. Coos nose. As you take a slug of the cheer wine and you down that whole can, your max HP goes up by five. Great. Yeah. And that cleans me out. Okay.

So you got the strying bones. Oh, so it's like good for your digestion too, huh? Boobo. Thank you. You got those scrying bones and you got the... What? Oh, and the nitpicker. Okay.

And then Taco, you haven't spent anything yet. No, I don't. I want the anti-gravity sphere and the plastic sheriff's badge. Okay. That's a thousand. And then... Tell you what. Why don't you throw in that immovable rod?

Because we're all spending a lot of money here. That's 2100, my dude. That's a... that's a lot don't you think yeah i mean for but i have 18 so what i'm asking me me halfway me me me halfway let me get the let me you got anything on you that i think i could resell for 300 gp i don't care about the profit my man i just want to break even uh not all that silverware you stole from the kid yeah did i ever see that i already sold that i already bought that up from you my man you know what i'm gonna give you i'm gonna cut you a great deal

I'm gonna sell you a comedy prop that I thought would come in handy that never really came in handy I see this is my pocket spa I want to sell that to you You bought that for like 800 GP last time It hasn't really come in that handy Get a couple of healing potions too

Okay well no Well no I mean it's a good point Maybe there might be a time when I like I could use it Listen I've got your best interest at heart my man Griffin doesn't put in a lot of rests So it's like Selling the poison Non-stop

Oh here How about the Gus Master 5,000 How about I say you that? Didn't like that one very much, huh? All it does is cast a spell I can already cast I don't like it to do it I don't know what you want me to say

They can't all be hits Yeah alright we can do that So we're going to let the buyer beware So we got a deal, huh? Great So you get the immovable rod, the plastic sheriff badge, and the anti-gravity sphere. You understand the anti-gravity sphere is a one-time use thingy. You throw it down and it explodes. And same thing with my cheer wine, right?

Same thing for the cheer wine? Yeah, it's gone. It's gone. Yeah, it doesn't. You don't get to keep getting five additional. But you have permanent plus four hit points? Oh, I know. Five.

Plus five. And you're got to get more because it's less. level up time, let's just burn through this shit. Oh my God. Please. I have life outside of this podcast. I don't. I love being here. It's the only time I feel alive. Who wants to go first so I can go to your part of the book?

I will do it. Looks like at level seven. Yeah. You get a Marshall Archetyte feature. And then at level eight, you get an ability score improvement. Sweet. Also, at level seven, I get a thing called Know Your Enemy. If you spend at least one minute observing or interacting with

another creature outside combat, you can learn certain information about its capabilities compared to your own. Interesting. So you can basically figure out if they could kick your ass in any particular department. When you hit eighth level, you can increase one ability score of your choice by two, or you can increase two ability scores of your choice by one. I thought this was level seven. This is level seven, right?

No, we're doing seven and eight. Oh, man. Great. Yeah, big jump. So, Trav, two stats you're going to boost by one, or one you're going to boost by two. you can't go above 20. I'm going to bump Constitution from 15 to 16. So that that will raise that.

I'll throw a point into wisdom and take it from 10 to 11. Say I've spent some time on the road. So you get, you get, no your enemy. Uh-huh. Two new maneuvers also. I do. Yeah, go ahead and learn those off book. I'll trust you because that'll take you a while, I feel like.

Yeah. And you get an additional superiority diet. God, you get a lot of shit at seven. Okay, well, just in summary, man, it just became more awesome. Go ahead and do your hit die roll. Okay, and how many do I roll? 1D10. And then you add your constitution modifier, so it's good.

You just bump that up. Yeah. I'll give you the plus three bonus both times, even though it should be plus two ones. That's a 7 plus 3. It's 10. So 10. And that's a 2 plus 3, so 15 more. Yeah?

Yes. Yeah. So you have 15 additional extra here points. Okay. and then figure out your other stuff, your maneuvers and all that, jazz, and we'll just, we'll talk about those when you do on. I'm up to 72 hit points. Yeah, you're a baller, and a shot caller.

You're level eight, guys. It's about to get tough out there. Who wants to go next? I'll go. I have both my spell slots, so I have that all set. Yeah, so by level eight, now you can cast fourth level spells. That's crazy. Hell yeah.

You can cast two of them. You get two fourth level spell slots. It doesn't look like you get anything. at seven except for the spell slots. And then at eight, you also get the ability score improvement. So plus one to two stats or plus two to one stat. Can't go above 20. I'm going to up my intelligence one and my dexterity one.

Okay. And then your hit dice. 1D6 plus your constitution modifier. Okay. Just just twice? Do that twice, sir. Okay. Five and eight.

So 13. Which brings me into 50 hit points all together. It's a beefy wizard. It's not bad. And then you learn some new spells, but I trust you can do that offbook too. Yes, I will. And, yeah, but you do learn new spells. Cleric, time, time for the cleric.

Yay! I don't even know bards were in here. Oh, was it too late to make Magnus a bard? Way too late. Eight levels too late. About a year too late. I'll get them next time on the reboot. So at 7, it doesn't look like you get anything except for you can now do fourth level spells.

And then at 8, you get, wow, you get a lot of shit. Okay. So at 8, you get the ability score improvement. So go ahead and decide on that. You get either plus 2 to 1 stat or plus 1 to 2 stats. Can't go above 20. I want to put 1 in wisdom, which kicks me up to 17. Okay.

and one in Constitution, which gives me 16. And then let's do your hit dice, too, because it's about to get complicated. So that's 1D8 plus your Constitution modifier. Okay, my Constitution modifier is three? Correct? Yes. You just bumped it up to three, and I'll let you use it both times, too. Okay, so you said a D8?

D8. If Justin, you want to help find that? Seven? I already did. Come on. You got a... Where's your caddy? Dad got a dike caddy. I forgot to bring my dice caddy.

Oh, my God. Is it like a pill caddy that you... It's amazing. I will... Who's the name of... You don't remember? I don't remember. I wrote it down, though.

Next time, I will praise these people for giving me the dice caddy. It was wonderful. It's amazing. It is literally a pill caddy. A huge pill caddy. A huge pill caddy that has each slot labeled. Yeah. Nice.

That's incredible. See if you can check the irony of him forgetting to bring the caddy that... You know what I need. I need a dice cadet. A caddy. Yeah. Or just a wallet chain. Or I was thinking like a golf caddy who just like walks around with you and like hands you.

Oh, it looks like you should use the DA today. You've got a downhill slope, but it's been raining. Okay. So I do that twice? Yeah. Did you add your modifier to that? I have a seven plus three. You roll the seven or you...

Okay, ten. Okay, now I do it again? Yeah. A five plus three. So that's eight. So that's 18. So I add 18 plus the five for my cheer wine. Yeah, man, I'm going to have to start hitting you dudes hard.

That's a 70. That takes you up to 70. Nice. At level eight, you have a spell I don't think you've used yet called Turn Undead. It's actually not even. a spell. It's a thing you have called channel divinity. And it's a thing you can do a certain number of times a day. I can turn undead, but I can only do it once.

You cast this spell and it casts in a 30-foot radius and it forces undead things to move away from you as quickly as it possibly can. But at a certain point, it also turned into destroy undead. So if you use turn undead, any, like, particularly weak undead creatures caught in the blast are just instantly killed. Okay. But it only affects, like, really weak undead creatures.

I'm trying to find a way to, like, explain this in non-game turns because there's, like, numbers and shit in the book. But at level eight, like, it becomes more capable of destroying, like, stronger undead creatures. Okay. That makes sense. Cool. Yeah, it makes totally sense. And then for your nature domain. Is he talking to me?

Yes. Was that to me? Okay, yeah, it makes perfect sense. So you learn the spells dominate beast and grasping vine? Oh, shit. Is this really you? Okay. At level 8, Merle, you gain divine strike.

You gain the ability to infuse your weapon strikes with divine energy. Once on each of your turns, when you hit a creature with a weapon attack, you can cause the attack to deal an extra 1D8 cold fire, or lightning damage, your choice to the target. When you reach 14th level, the extra damage increases to 2D8. Holy shit. So every time you attack, every time you attack, you can choose to roll an extra 1D8 of fire, ice, or lightning damage.

Yeah. Sweet. That's sweet. Remember that. Write device strike down on your character. She's big letters. I wrote it down. I wrote it.

I wrote it. So how about my spell slots? Yeah, to get more of those two. We'll figure that out too, but now you can cast fourth level spells. You and Taco just became better at casting spells, and there's a way, I think you don't have to memorize new spells. I think you have to prepare them from the pool, but Taco does, and I don't know how that works, but we'll figure it out.

Guys, we're just playing it by the seat of our butts. I've chosen my attacks, my new maneuvers. And we'll get to those. We'll get to those, definitely. Do you have a button prepared to Griffin? like some sort of like exciting thing at the end? Well, no, and I'm just now realizing that, and it's made me pretty nervous. Okay, well, let me come up with something.

I'll just make something up. Yeah, please. And then we, the three of us have been sitting around, and I don't know what that would look like from the exterior, but it looked like, I think it would look like parts of our bodies were just like growing for no reason. If you were watching from the outside. And then there's... And then just as like that's concluding, there's a knock on the door. And the door

slowly swings open. And there's a... Behind the door, there's a shadowy figure. And we turn and see the figure. And then we all go like, oh shit. And then the figure in a voice that is both masculine and feminine, old and young,

says like, you got that right? right and then credits. It's Samuel L. Jackson. It doesn't, it's just both masculine and feminine, old and young. It's just like, so it kind of sounds like all voices, but then it's just like, hold on your, and then we're like, oh boy, and then the voice is like, got that right again. Yeah, and then at the beginning, now, and now there's a sneak preview of the next episode,

and you look up, and it shows, it's, next time, and it shows, next time, and it shows, and it's And it shows the figure, and it's an old man with a big bushy gray mustache and he goes, well, it looks like I've found them in the wrong room. Sorry, gang. Maximumfunn.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

A Thai is a pedantic person. I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way. Gyro. Yiro. Sacri-blue. Sacherblis. Ayers Rock. Uluru.

What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with real cases. They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court, the real people's court. Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's Internet Court. Find it at maximum fun.org or wherever you download podcasts.