The Adventure Zone - Ep. 3. Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Three

Episode Date: December 18, 2014

With one half of their former employers effectively rescued, our party begins the hunt for Gundren Rockseeker in earnest. There are just a few things standing in their way: They don't know where he is, they're all Level Clown-Shoes, and also, a jelly monster. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Last time on the Adventure Zone. Up there, you see another goblin, and next to him, you see an unconscious human man. He sounds like Kelsey Grammer, and he looks like common. He's one hell of a goblin. I have a proposition for you. I will let you leave this cave with your Barry Blue Jeans, alive and unharmed. I want you to depose our current employer, whose name is Claude. Clark.

Clark is like, he looks pretty badass. All right, I cast Charm Person on Clark. He brings you out most aromatic Ulaan tea you have ever tasted. It is enough to level, all three of you up to level two. What happened to Gundren? We were contracted to acquire Gundren and deliver him to the Black Spider. Clark's going to wake up soon, and I don't want to be here when that happens. Barry Blue Jeans is amenable to that.

He's like, yeah, let's get the hell out. of this cape. I'm not a big fan of this cave. My name's Barry Blue Jines. Once again, the yawning portal opens before you. Abandon all hope, ye who enter, the Adventure Zone.

So the four of you with Barry J. Blue Jeans are walking out of the cave towards your wagon. Very far off in the distance of that cave you hear a... Wait, what? Ah, shit. You manage to go back to where your car is.

Sure enough, it is just fine. It's still hidden. Nobody's managed to come across it. The dog in the back is pretty upset, but they're... Oh, come here, Ruby. She bites all of your handoff. I don't care. Let me roll for animal handling.

No. No. Okay. No, Ruby's mine. You all walk back, hop in the cart and get back on the road towards Fandling. Wait, I mean, we talk to Barry. Yeah, yeah. Barry, what the hell happened?

A lot of shit, and it was all really terrible. And if you gave me the option, I would not do it again. Why do I imagine that Bill Hater character when they all made their own puppets and they were all talking through the puppets? I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't think so. Sorry, it's on Saturday Night Live. I would like to, can we... That show hasn't been invented yet.

Oh, or has it already happened? Oh, shit. Future, future fantasy. Blew your mind. I think we ought to, before we head out, I think we, can we like, do one of those perception checks or whatever? We're talking to Barry right now. Oh, I thought you were done.

I thought he was done. He didn't say anything. That was not all that Barry has to offer. Oh, I'm sorry. How much, how much do you guys know? Let's, I guess let's establish a baseline. I know that Gungerun was sold or given to someone named the Black Spider through an envoy. Okay.

Yeah, you lied to us, in other words. And we found your map. Did you? You didn't find him. No, I'm lying. Oh, okay. You found, so you found the map. Oh, we know all about the map.

Found the map. So what was really going on, Barry? Okay, let's start for the beginning. Gundren and his two brothers, whose names are Thardin and Nundro. Good friends of mine. Oh, cousins, right. I forgot all about that.

The three of them have a claim to the lost mine of Fandlin. They managed to find out where it is. So why didn't he tell us that right up in front? Because he didn't trust you guys. Why the hell would he trust? cousin. Your fourth cousin. Dwarves have like 800 cousins. So it's like, you know, you're basically perfect strangers. And Dayton's a bitch. Yo, tell me about it. Or is it kind of great? Kind of. I don't know who this black spider is, but I would love to give him a piece of my mind

after I rest for about two months. I need to sleep. Listen, I've partied pretty hard before in my life. I'm going to need to sleep this one off. It's not on me. Like, we've got no leads on Black Spider or anything like that. We should head to the town. Listen, it's not my first goddamn time at the bodyguard rodeo, is it? Magnus. Uh, Barry seems pretty confident that he can track Gundron down.

Barry, let me ask you this. Do you need to go back to town? I would love to go back to town. If we can get back there, let me get a few sips, a y'all hooch, and maybe a short rest. Maybe just give me like a 15-minute pass. hour nap. Well, listen, guys, why don't we head back to town? Just gonna kick on, let him rest up. Kick on the white noise. Let's go back to town and then maybe we can buy some junk.

Sure, yeah, sure. Maybe some more round candy. Whatever. Well, why are you beefing now? No, look, hey, listen, I'll go along with the majority. That's fine. Would you rather stay here where we know nothing and nothing is going on? No, no, you're right as always. It's fine, fine, fine. You've been listening to passive-aggressive-aggressive Dungeons and Dragons. This has been Dungeon Dragons with Arnani. No, let's go. Let's go to town. Yay! Town!

Okay, you all get back to town. I don't know if you actually want to buy shit, because I'm not 100% sure how you do that, per se. Fanon is a very large town compared to, I guess, some of the bullshit villages that you guys have been through. It's a town on the up-and-up, recovering from the collapse of the moment. mining economy. So there are general stores and armories

that have really great names according to this book. There's a lion shield coster. I guess you can buy like a sword or some shit there. You drop off Barry Blue jeans to get his rest on. Oh, by the way, I need my box of shit.

Cool. You need your box of shit. Yeah. All right. Well, why don't we let him rest first? No, I just, I'm just going to go ahead that with me into the inn. I got a change of clothes in there. I smell like I smell like a wet dog. Okay.

These guys have already burned us once. We don't know this Barry Blue Jeans from shit. Okay. How do we know he's not going to take off when this... All right, I'll stay in the end and you guys go buy things. You want me to pick anything up for me? No, you're the one that wants

to go to town. Let's stay in the end. All right, you stay in the end. I'll go by things. So the four of you sit down to sort of further discuss your next plan of attack. Barry is very set on finding Gundren. If it gets out that he allowed his client to get kidnapped or dwarfnapped, it's not going to be great for his reputation. So he is, he's looking around. He says, like I said, that map, I was a fake. The real map, and this is really great. You guys are gonna love this. The real map is inside that goddamn dwarf.

Yuck? No, it's not like in his, he's not like in his butt or any. Well, I guess a little bit. It's his, uh... Is it like Fifth Element style? No, it wasn't love the whole time. Okay. And he's rooting around and he says, uh, and he pulls out a, uh, parchment that is

completely blank. And he says, oh, thank God. They didn't get the, uh, he says, uh, he's rooting around. and spreads it out and it keeps digging around. He says that dwarf, his blood, is actually the map. His blood. Isn't that great? Have you heard anything of that before?

Wow. Yeah. What the hell are you talking about? He says, he gave me a vial. He's like digging around the box. Gave me a vial of his blood. He's dumping the box out. He's emptying it upside down.

And he's saying like, well, never mind. and I may not have a way to find him if we can't find this, this blood. Shit. Well, I'm a cousin with my blood work. That is not a bad idea, he says. And he's like, can I borrow your hand there for a second? I'd be able to more comfortable if you let me decide where the blood was going to come from. I mean, just make sure you get a lot and make sure it's good blood.

When you say a lot? Tell me about your cholesterol. Not good. Not bad. It's in the It's the good cholesterol for dwarves Okay Or so like $1,400

In that range Okay All right So I take the very unsanitary looking fork Okay Laying on the table And I prick my finger And started dripping

Okay With each You managed to hit a vein You hit a major artery In my finger? Uh-huh. Well, you don't know about dwarf anatomy. You don't know what's going on. You're real good at this. As a cleric, you know exactly where the veins are. So it's weird. It's with every drop of blood that you put on this, on this vellum, you're assuming is enchanted in some way to react to rock seeker blood. Or Barry's just a giant brick.

I'm just kidding. I can't believe you fell for it again. No, with each... Your blood is the map trick. Your blood is actually almost molding itself. It's weird. It's like it's not turning into ink.

It's staying on top of the paper, almost like it's hydrophobic, and it's forming this shape. With each drop, it's filling out more and more and more of this shape. And you do that for a few minutes. Barry's looking very impatient. He's like,

Like, can you cut more? Can we do more holes? I thought you guys were like big brave heroes, and you're just like, it's like a child getting a booster shot over here. Yeah. Eat me, Barry. Let's just go on. Okay. So you managed to get a lot of blood on this paper, and you recognize it by comparing it to the other map that it is pointing to the Sword Mountains, which are about a day's ride from Fandolin.

Um, and there, there's one point where your blood has sort of formed a circle around the foothills of the sword mountains. And Barry goes, I'll be, I'll be a son of a bitch. Okay, so how do we know that's where Thundron is? Uh, Gondren. I told you, we're very close. Uh, if he was taken by the Black Spider, I'm assuming that they were going to take him this cave. This cave, you got to understand. This is the, the rock seekers birth.

right, this cave. This is a, this is an area of tremendous power, and they see it as their, uh, their birthright. It belongs to them, uh, but they are probably not the only ones looking for it. So, uh, if, if the Black Spider took him, I guarantee you he takes them, takes him here. How far are the sword mountains from where we're at? A day. Day's ride. Yeah.

So we need to get some horses? Oh, you can use my cart. If you want... Do you want to come with this, Barry? I really need to rest. Barry, it would look bad if you let your charge... If you didn't rescue them. I mean, what...

It would look super bad if I just, like, died. It would be equally bad... Let me picture this. It's going to be equally bad for my career if I just fucking died. That's a good point. Okay, maybe you could pay us part of your commission if we go so. Yeah, I think you should cut us in if we're going to rescue this guy. You give us half of whatever you're getting paid to guard him.

If you can find this cave, you are not going to have to worry about money ever, ever again. Because we'll die? No. Well, maybe. I'm not a psychic. All right, but you've got to give us the map. If you don't, oh, sure.

I mean, it's your blood. Fuck it. Okay. Before we go, is there anything else you can tell us about Black Spider or, this cave. I haven't seen, I haven't met this Black Spider. The cave, the cave's called Wave Echo Cave. And I know that's a silly name. But it's just what they call it. I didn't come up with it. I do have one question. Yeah, yeah. Is Black Spider like a nickname? Or is he a giant Black Spider?

He'd never heard of him. Why are you asking him? Because Magnus isn't good with spiders. And apparently not going to pay attention. This is for other people. Spiders are pretty small, right? So, I don't know, while that guy would be able to, like, kidnap and extort and shit, because it's just a little spider. I don't know. They, you know, they don't pay me to think.

Thanks, Barry. Do we need provisions? Do we need to buy provisions for? I'm not going to ever make you guys worry about food and shit. No. Okay, good. That is a Griffin McRoeckery. What time is it right now?

Mid-afternoon. Did we rest? Yeah, yeah. It's, yeah, you guys have taken a long rest. You're back at zero. Let's move out. All right, let's roll out. Let's ride.

Okay. Here we come on running. Head out in the highway. So, uh, that was a good montage. Following this. Are we there now? We're there. Dad and I montage just there.

Yeah, no. I'm like, I missed it. I'll meet you guys there. You guys are totally there. Um, you followed, uh, you followed, uh, this. this dwarven blood map. It's a pretty sweet-looking map. It's all gothic and shit.

It looks like a slip-knock cover album. Wait, a slip-not cover album? A slip-not album cover. This is my album of Slip-Not covers. The one by Peter Gilles. I call it Losebo. So I'm jumping way, way forward. So I'm going to have to, you guys are going to have to bear with me because you're not

supposed to be at Wavecker Cave yet. It's supposed to be like level four or five by the time you reach Wave Echo Cave. Oh, that sounds good. Maybe we need to go somewhere else first. No, because I don't want you to... Should we go grind, like, kill some Knowles or something to level up, or collect some belts

to turn in for something? Yeah, you go to Crushbone Castle and you collect belts and now you're level 20. No, you'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Okay. What did we miss? I mean, there's other stuff in this book, but I don't want to stick to this book for any longer than we absolutely have to. Okay, all right.

There's like a castle, and there's like a bunker. You guys have managed to find this region of foothills leading into the Sword Mountains, and following this map, which is for a thing made out of human body fluid, or dwarven body fluid, incredibly detailed. You managed to find your way to, the entrance of wave echo cave. And from inside, you actually hear appropriately enough what sounds like crashing waves. And they're very intermittent.

Every two minutes or so, you hear like the sounds of waves breaking on a shore, but very, very, very loud. And real echoey. And super, super, super, echoy. And it's actually quite cold inside the cave, as you, as you. as you move. Did I bring in a jacket? You brought a nice park out. Can I roll to see if I brought a jacket?

Yeah, please. Are you not? Are you actually going to do it? It's a two. Oh, no, you didn't bring a shirt. No, he's a member's only jacket. A member's only jacket. No way for a two?

That's from members only. No way. Yeah, but how much protection is that going to be? No, your jacketless. It's surprisingly comfy, thank you very much. You're jacketless and your nipples are super hard, and they're that type of hard. where they keep rubbing against the inside of your shirt

and they're chafing and you hate it. But like it a little bit. Nope. You only hate it. You start to make your way into the Wave Echo Cave and sort of trude it to history because remember this was a mine where magical ores were mined out

and crafted into incredibly powerful magic weapon. The walls of the cave are almost luminous. They have like a bioluminescence to them where you honestly don't really need a torch. There seems to be just sort of a natural light emanating all around you. The walls are sort of shimmering with latent energy. So you make your way into the cave entrance. There's a large cavern that's supported by a natural rock pillar, a few stalagmites. And in the western part of this cavern foyer behind a column of rock are a few bed rolls and a heap of some supplies,

some sacks of flour and salt and meat and lanterns and oil and pickaxes and shovels and other sort of mining gear. And amid those supplies, you see the body of a dwarf wearing some mining gear. Do we know the dwarf? You actually do. It's Thardin. Thurton Rockseek or one of the... My their cousin. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. You identify his body and point it out to your compatriots. And maybe... Just say, Tharden. That's Tharden there. And maybe one solitary tier. One tier. I know that, fool.

That there's Tharden. You guys go ahead and laugh. I grab one of the lanterns. Okay. You can grab a lantern if you want. You guys can... can have your pick. Thurton's certainly not going to need it, right?

He's fucking dead. He died. I searched Thurton's body for valuables. You actually, you find on him a pair of... I do it covertly so the other guys I'll see. Okay. Hey, it's my cousin. Make a slight a hand check then.

This is a tradition in my, in my culture. It's a blessing that we do for the dead that we help to... I'd like to roll against this roll. Help to usher them into... Okay. Justin, Justin, make a slight a hand check and dad make a perception check. Okay, I need to see the D20.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Uh, 12. All right. I only got a nine. Okay. Justin... No, 10.

Sorry. Okay. Taco, you notice that his boots are actually really great boots. These are... They are made for walking. They are actually made for jumping. They are magic boots of striding and springing. And so you managed to get those off of him without anybody else noticing.

That's some pretty fucking good sleight of hand. I have to give it to myself. Yeah, yeah. Well, they are loafers. So they're loafers of springing. Jumping loafers. Now, will that, can I wear those? I'll explain what they are, because maybe you'll decide to give them to somebody else,

which might be kind of uncomfortable if you give them. to Merle because then you'll be like, oh, I just found these definitely not on your cousin's corpse. But these are, your speed while wearing these boots becomes 30 feet, unless you're walking speed is higher, and your speed is not reduced if you are encumbered or wearing heavy armor. In addition, whenever you jump, you can jump three times the normal distance. I would like those, please. I think you already have jumping. Would these create encumbrance for like my spell gesturing?

No. No, okay. But you're not going to be running into anything, or going to be jumping into battle. Okay, I would like to give these to Magnus when Merle's not looking. Okay. Make another slide-in-law-in-law. Make another slide-of-hand check for me. Gosh, what's going on over there?

We'll use Dad's original perception check to contest it, but go ahead and make that slide a head check. Okay, I have 14. Yeah, okay. You slide these boots. Dad, you're just like, So tore up. Well, yeah, he's dead. So now I can jump three times as far?

You have three times the normal jumping distance, yeah. And then I say, I wonder what about those boots I gave him for Christmas? Where are his Christmas shoes? Those other guys who are just stolen his magic Christmas shoes? The magic Christmas shoes increase my speed? Because I'm already at 30. No, then it's just there. If you do ever get

If you get heavier armor That would normally decrease your speed It negates that effect Oh, I actually take that back I think my speed was decreased By my chain mail And so that brings it back up to 30 Because I was at 25

Okay great Cool Cool Hey while we're talking bullshit I wanted to ask for quick Griffin When I leveled up it said I got an extra hit die Yeah What is that

So hit die are what you spend During short rest to get hit points back You started out You started out with just one, and then you roll your hit dive for you, I think it's a D6, and then you add your constitution modifier. And before you could only do that once before you need to take a long rest. Now you have two of those. So does that make sense?

Got it. Yeah. Cool. Okay, so in the back of this chamber behind this mining camp site where Thurden is totally dead in, you see a pit, an open pit in the back of the cave. and at the bottom of that pit in the back wall is a tunnel that is leading further into the cave. How deep is the pit? Do I need to do a perception thing?

No, you can just, you can see a pit. Just spit in it. Okay. It's, uh, we'll say it's about 20 feet. It's about 20 feet down. And then at the bottom of the pit is a tunnel leading into the cave. Let's go into pit. Let's pit it.

You'll have to To make an athletics check If you want to try and climb down Unless you want to use some sort of special Tool to get down there My athletics is great Let me go first I'll catch you

Can I grab one of those pickaxes Yeah sure Why not? Now you have a pickax I'm using that I'm going to use that to help climb down Oh cool like a almost like a What is the word like a pitton?

Yeah like a pitton Python Okay I'm I'm going to go ahead and jump down. Okay. Oh, cool. I just did that thing. You could do the thing I did.

Well, but my athletics aside. If I can get down there first... Okay, yeah. Roll an athletics check for me. Oh, God. See, I didn't roll in the box. I got to roll in the box. Your magic, always 20 box.

Yeah, hold on. Your magic box of cheating. Fair enough. It's 13. 13. That's insufficient. You don't fall, though. You just...

You get about halfway down. and you get really scared and you're just sort of holding on to the edge of the wall. So you can try again if you want to try and get down the rest of the way. 9 plus 6.15? Okay. Yeah, you managed to get down. Another two?

Okay, I'm going to climb down. Okay, just using the rock face. I'll spot you. Okay. 16. Okay, yeah, you make it down. Taco? Are you going to use your pickax?

Yeah, I'm using my pickax. I'll give you advantage because I think that's a cool idea. Thank you. Oh, I got an 18 and 16 with my athletics is zero. No, it's more than enough. Yeah, you get, you all three get down and see this entrance moving into the back. It looks almost like it was carved into the cave. There's actually a lot of rubble lying around, almost like this cavern has been excavated.

It's almost a perfect square. So you think that it was probably dug out. out to get people deeper into the wave echo cave. So you can start to move down this, but you realize as you move along that this path is actually branching off and moving almost like a labyrinth into the cave. You guys run into a few dead ends. You do a little bit of map making, do a little bit of map making. Oh, God, you need more blood?

No, just normal maps. Not freaky dwarf blood maps. Oh, good. And you managed to find your way through these caverns. And you hear this sound behind you as you make your way through that almost sounds like... Behind us? Yeah. There's either a duck coming or someone's farting.

No, it's... Sorry, I didn't do it good. Hold on. Let me do a little bit of Foley work here. Hey. Oh, it's definitely farting. I think someone's having like some gogurt. Oh, God.

I almost shook their net. You got to be careful when D&D. It's a very dangerous game. So you're about, you're moving through these caverns and you hear that sound almost like it is stalking you from behind. Can I hear the sound again? Son of a bitch. How is that? That was good.

Wait, if we stop moving, does the sound stop? No, it gets louder. Okay, great. Hurry. So we move a little bit, and what do we hear? You hear that sound that I'm not going to do a third goddamn time. Oh, come on. One more, please.

Sploch, splooch, splooch, splooch, splooch, splooch, splooch, splooch, splooch. We got to get out of this jackoff cave. Why did we even come to a place called jackoff cave? What are we thinking? I told you guys. So yeah, you guys can try and hoof it through the Jackoff Cave. How about if, is it possible we just wait and see what's coming? Pardon my choice of words.

Yeah. I say we keep going and maybe a little bit faster. Hey, everyone. This is your dungeon master Griffin with a quick non-canonical, the adventure zone break. I'm going to use this time in the show to catch you guys up on what's happening with the show, what's new, because it would be weird if Taco was like, By the way, follow us on Facebook. That's my taco impression. Thank you all so, so, so much for your support in the launch of the Adventure Zone.

We managed to climb up the iTunes numbers and have gotten a lot of really great reviews that have really helped us out since our launch a couple weeks ago. So we really do appreciate that a whole lot. You guys have been so kind and so supportive. If you haven't done that yet, if you haven't left us an iTunes review, it really is super helpful for making sure that we are promoting. on the podcast section of iTunes, which is like so important when a show launches. Or if you can just tweet about the show or tell a friend, we've got the hashtag that we cooked up,

TASCast, T-A-Z-Cast. Hopefully we'll find something a little bit more holistic than that someday. You can also follow us on Twitter at The Zonecast and keep up with all of the updates as we go. We're going to launch another website on which we can post stuff like fan art and updated character sheets as the guys level up and change for people who are interested in that stuff. If not, that's cool. You can just listen to the show and the goofs. If this is your first maximum fun podcast that you're listening to, welcome to The Fold.

There are a lot of other really great podcasts that you should take a moment to listen to. If you haven't listened to our other podcasts, my brother and my brother and me, that might be in your wheelhouse. But there's a ton of other shows to Throwing Shade, Jordan Jesse Go, Judge John Hodgman. And seriously, like over a dozen shows, all free, all really great. So make sure that you go give those a listen. We're going to try to include you guys in a few fun ways in the show in the future. So if you tweet about the show with the hashtag Tazcast,

we're actually going to name a few NPCs after people who do that. So that might be fun. I also have this idea for like building an in-game shop with merchandise that you guys create. I'm still formulate. It's still percolating that. If you can't tell, I'm really, really excited about this show. and I have a ton of ideas for the campaign and stuff that we can all do together. We can make you guys part of the adventure.

So I'm really excited about that opportunity. Anyway, let's get back to the show. Thanks again for listening and for sharing the show. And enjoy the rest of this Jizz Tunnel adventure. So the three of you have emerged from the Jerk-off Cave, and you are very happy to be out of that particular. place. But yeah. And you find yourself on

this large stone ledge, sort of a stone outcropping that is just sort of a natural part of the cave, overlooking about quite a ways down, about 10 stories down, actually, a giant spring filled

with well spring water. That is enormous. It's shimmering. It's not a diving board, no. It's more like a diving board. No. It's more like ledge. You're just standing on it. It's floor. Above the spring is a giant stalactite that is actually glowing much, much brighter than the walls of the cave, which remember are sort of having natural shimmer. Are we still in the cave? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You said we left the cave. We just love the jerk off portion. You left the jerk off tunnel. Let's see, you know what? I should, you're right, Justin. That's my fault is a DM. I should watch my parlance. It was a jerk off tunnel.

Okay. So we're out of jerk off tunnel. You're out of jerk off canyon. Listen, a cave can be made up of all kinds of sorts of different things. Springs. Some of them having nothing to do with jerking off. Yeah. You've never seen me in a cave.

That's true. He's this, he's, hold on, is this funny? Spunker? Like a Spelonker? I don't think that's actually funny at all. Hey, Taco. Hey, Murrow. Should I jump in this?

spring? Well, it's 10 stories down, so you'd almost certainly go. Should I jump in? No, don't do it. No, not yet. Don't do it. Don't do it. So you actually realize that periodically, every few minutes or so, a single drop of water sort of forms on the stalactite as stalactite drops of water want to do, and falls into the spring. And when it does, it actually causes this disproportionately enormous wave from the outside. It's sort of just like a ripple that moves very, very quickly and just sort of pushes up against the walls of the cave and comes flying up with like absolutely tremendous force. Some of that water actually manages to get up onto the outcropping that you're standing on, which you actually now realize is blanketed in this carpet of fungus. But it's not like any fungus you've ever seen before.

It's these shimmering, beautiful, multicolored mushrooms that you are sort of standing and looking at from the exit of the Jerkoff Tunnel. And they're absolutely beautiful. They are beautiful mushrooms. And on the other side of the ledge is a wooden elevator, sort of a lift, leading down to a path sort of circling the spring. Do any of you have a nature skill? Could you check out those mushrooms See if you know anything about them? Hmm.

Hmm. Yes, I'm plus three for nature. Okay. You can make a nature check if you want. I'd like to make a nature check. Okay. No, wait a minute. That was just insane that.

I'd like to make a nature check. Okay. Oh, he's becoming one. You've never seen... Oh, go ahead. 22. That was really, really good. But you've never seen these mushrooms before.

You don't read 22. You never should be fucking named after me. You've never seen you print a book. You get a book published about these mushrooms. Taco shroomgovers. Taco stools. Taco stools. That sounds nasty.

Oh, man. I actually got to crunch up Supreme at Taco Bell the other day that gave me the taco stools for the last day. It was really bad. So you've never seen these mushrooms before? You're not sure what they are. But you did notice actually that as you exited the tunnel and are sort of standing over this carpet of mushrooms, that they actually seem to react to your presence somehow.

They sort of swelled up a little bit as soon as you entered the room. And as soon as you sort of started talking, some of them started shuttering a little bit. Some of them started rattling a little bit. So you don't know what they are, but you did notice that they had some sort of like sort of natural biological response to just the three of you being there. Hey, and well met mushrooms. As you say that, Travis, to the mushrooms, a group of them right below you shoot a cloud of spores straight upwards in your direction. So I need you to make a constitution saving. No, that's just their way of saying hello.

An constitution you say? 13. Okay. You sort of, you sniffle. You get the sniffles, but you're fine. Bless you. Shh. Everyone be quiet.

Actually, as you said that, like a little bit, a little cloud of sports just kind of shot up to your ankles. But then came right back down. Okay. Guys, I think there's something with the mushrooms. You did it again, and they just sort of get up a little bit. Okay. Listen, I'm going to point. at the elevator.

What are your guys... I need your character sheet so I can just know this stuff offhand and not ruin the mystery. But what are your guys passive perception skills? Mines three. No, your passive perception would be...

I think it's 10 plus your perception modifier. Then mine's 13. 13. My is 9. 9. Okay. I want Merle and talk

to go ahead and make perception checks for me. I'll just sit over here and whistle. 17 for me. 12 for me. Okay, Justin, you actually... Sorry, I don't know a Justin. Sorry, it's... He's losing his sense of self.

Let's part the kimono a little bit. It's been actually like a month or so since the last time we played. Taco, you notice, hanging from the ceiling, actually, I should say, it was on the ceiling. now it is falling a giant black blob mass that is now plummeting right on top of where Magnus is standing. And it is in the process of falling, looking like it's attacking him. And it makes a sound like,

Oh, it's goosher. He was my favorite folk hero growing up. I would. Well. Well, it's coming at Magnus. You didn't see shit, Merle. I'm the one who sees it. Oh, that's right.

You saw it. Can I see the look of panic on his face and dodge out of the way? Does he make a panic? It's all up to Taco. We're role-playing now. How close to my to Magnus? I don't know. I mean, you guys just exited this tunnel.

You're probably relatively close. You're probably just checking out the sights as you were on this ledge. While he makes up his mind, may I make one comment? Yeah. Magnus, are those new boots? They are new boots. Thank you. I crafted them while you were napping.

Both of you guys make Constitution saving throws for me. Oh, you duller. That's to Dad and Travis. Yeah. 17. 72. No, 21, 21. You're still fine.

I'm going to need you to make up your mind. I cast Ray of Frost on the blob. You're going to try and hit it while it's falling from the ceiling? It's a can trip. I'm going to hit it. Ray of Frost to the blob. All right. I like this.

And I'm going to say that as soon as he raises a, his hands and I see a ray of frost coming at me. I'm going to I'm going to dive down. I don't think I mean you're not going to know exactly what's what's going on. You just see Taco sort of spin on his heels and volley a Ray of Frost at this at this falling object. That's why I'm saying I'm going to move. I don't want to get hit by Ray of Frost. You don't see this happening. No, nobody does. Except for Taco Taco. This is going to be I'm going to, this is going to be a hard shot. I'm actually going to give you disadvantage on this attack because this thing is falling at terminal velocities. Okay. So that means you roll twice

on the attack and you use the worst. Yeah. Okay. I got an 18. Okay. What do I add to this, Griffin? Add to my rule? Your, uh, I think it's plus five.

It's your, it's your spell casting modifier plus your, uh, your, uh, your proficiency bonus. So 23. Is there 23 and 10? 10. Oh, dip. Wait, remind me how Ray Frost works. Is it just an attack on their AC? It is a, uh, on a hit.

It does. does one D8 cold damage, and its speed is reduced by 10 feet until the start of your next turn. Okay. So you managed to get a hit off. Why don't you go ahead and roll damage on it? We'll count this as a surprise round, I guess. Three. Just three damage?

Yep. It's not very much damage. So you hit it. Nice. It doesn't freeze it, but it does sort of push it back a little bit, and it lands with a very very, very loud splooch directly behind Magnus, who now I assume is aware of its presence. Now, wouldn't the amount of noise it makes alert the mushrooms? It actually didn't. That's weird that you noticed that. Very perceptive of you, though.

Are you sure that you only have a nine passive perception? I can perceive it, but I don't get it. It seems like you've got your wits about you. How big is the splooge wet spot? That's the worst sentence I've ever heard you see out. It's your terminology, pal. It's not, it's about the size of you, actually. It's about dwarf height.

It's a big production. And now that the shit done popped off, as we DMs like to say, let's all roll initiative. You guys remember how to do that? Well, hold on. Maybe he's not going to attack us. Maybe he just wants to be our goofy buddy. No, he's definitely not going to be your goofy buddy. Okay.

You guys will have to be each other's goofy buddies. I got 19. Oh, five for me. Oh, I got four. You guys need to give some initiative. All right, first in the order is everyone's favorite fighter, Magnus Burnside. Is that me? Go for it.

Yeah. First. You are standing right next to this thing. I would say Merle and Taco, you guys are about 10 feet away. Okay, so this is like sentient, right? This is not just a sentient. Okay, all right. Ocker jelly is what it is.

It's not a gelatinous blob. Oh. Or a gelatinous cube. You would know that's a gelatinous cube. I'd be dead. They're cube-shaped also. Okay. This isn't a cube.

It's just sort of a mound, a round, pound of sound. I'm going to attack him. Okay. With my battle axe, two-handed. Sweet ass. Thanks. I got a nine. Uh, that's actually enough to hit its armor class.

Sweet. Um, and then I do one D8. Seven plus four. So I did, uh, oh, excuse me, part. No, we'll go with that. 11. 11. Um, bad news.

I, I, some people might actually call it terrible news. Uh, he has a, uh, a, uh, a strength against slashing damage. So that's the first, there's, there's two discrete pieces of bad news. Mm-hmm. That was the first. first. So he's actually only going to take half damage from that. That's a good clean hit, though. Also, whenever the ochre jelly takes slashing damage, it splits into two new jellies as if it has at least 10 hit points. So now you have two jellies. Now, Griffin, why didn't you tell me that before I did it?

You should have known better. You could have helped a brother out and just told me like, hey, don't slash this guy. If you were making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you drop some jelly on the Are you going to take a knife and just start cutting at it, you dumb son of a bitch? It's all I've got. What don't I get you shoot with an arrow? That's piercing damage. That would have been preferable, certainly. Oh, okay.

Well, you got double jellies now. Then I'm going to now move out of the way. You're not going to do anything. You're done. No, I can attack, and now I'm going to retreat back to you guys and get away from it. Okay. Are you going to stand in front of them, like a brave fighter? Are you going to...

More to the side, like showing that we're all in this together. Okay. Great. Uh, it's now the double jellies term. Uh, one of the jellies just sort of waddles, uh, over to... Please keep in mind that it's, its speed is reduced by 10 feet. Oh, shit, that's a good point, Justin. I'll say that one of their speed is reduced by 10 feet.

I think that's BS, but okay. Okay, no, you're right. Both of them have a speed of 10 feet, which you have just reduced to zero feet. Um, so, uh, one of them just sort of sits there and, and, and, you're right? shutters about. The other one sort of melts around some of the fungus on the floor and sort of

absorbs it up into its mass. So now he's got some fungus sort of floating around in there. Cool. But neither of them are capable of hitting from that far away. So you guys are safe. Good play, Justin. Good Dungeons and Dragons.

Next in the order. Who rolled a five? Is it you talk to me? You're a great wizard. Yeah, you're super good at wizards. Thanks. I'm going to do magic missile since we've got two cats here. We have cats now?

No, I mean, they're things. I'm going to use two darts on the one on the left and one on the right. From my perspective. Okay. How does that work again? I create three glowing darts of magical force. Each dart hits a creature of your choice within range that you could see. A dart deals one D4 plus one force damage to the target.

Okay, do you just want to roll one damage dice for all three? Well, let's see how that goes. Yeah, if it's a good roll. If it's a good roll. No, that's not how we, that's not, that's a shitty house rule. Good news, it's four. So yes, one roll for all three will be just fine. Okay, remind me how you distributed them again?

Basically, that will be 10 force damage to the one the left and five, forced damage to the one on the right. Okay, and the one on the right is the one that had the mushrooms up in its girth. Right, okay. Okay. Cool. Next in the order is Merle. I'm going to cast sacred flame. I'm going to cast sacred flame on the one on the right with the fungi.

Sacred flame means they make a dodge, right? The target must succeed on a dexterity saving throw. Yeah. Against your spell casting one off the fire, it's just 13. So they have to beat a 13. Guys, you won't believe this. Dexterity? Not these goddamn jelly strong.

You're doing this on the one on the right, right? Yeah, the one with the fungus. Oh, God damn, that's a 19, though. That is going to do it. That jelly just made the save of its lifetime. So you don't do it. You do burn away a bit of the carpet of fungi around that one on the right, so he's not going to be eaten any more shrooms until he starts moving around.

Well, good. I hope I've made their friendship. Back to the top of the order. It's you, Magnus. Hey, guys, I don't think we're ready for this, jelly. Travis, I need to make a Constitution saving. No, that was to Justin and Dad. That wasn't as Magnus.

I don't think so. Magnus doesn't make bad jokes like that. You kind of had like a tone in your voice that made it sound like that's... You know it was Magnus because it's much more like, Oh, whoa, rah, rah, ha. You've never done that. You've never done that voice. I think we all know that that's how Magnus sounds.

Look in your heart. Maybe the fungus are so distracted. We are reaching the Tom Hanks event horizon where Travis just is Magnus, and I guess he, like, kills himself in a cave somewhere. Okay. Okay. So go ahead and play Dungeons of Dragons. Okay. I'm going to shoot my short bow then.

Okay. At which one? The one with the fungus in him. Okay. And I got a critical miss. Bram-blah. I did bad. Yeah, you did a very bad job.

I'm bad games. You actually, yeah, you miss really bad. It goes flying off the ledge into the water. My favorite arrow. Yeah. Yep. You got that arrow sign by fantasy bird back. It was your favorite.

Next in the order is the jellies who are now going to move and do stuff. One of them waddles up to Merle. Are you sure it's not tacos? turn? Yeah, I'm 100% sure. Okay, all right, sorry. One of them waddles up to Merle and sort of starts to stand on its legs, stand on its gelatinous legs and sort of form a sort of pod, a big meaty, jelly fist. Griffin, how much do these things look like the creatures from Flubber? Oh, that's actually the original name. The book says to call them Flubber, but I wanted to avoid any sort of trademark disputes.

So it forms a sort of gelatinous fist with some of its mass and sort of tries to smash into Merle. I'm going to use my protection thing. Okay, so that forces disadvantage? Correct. That's good because I rolled an 18, which would have been 22. Instead, it is a 17 plus 4, which is 21, which I assume is going to hit. You're welcome, Merle.

Glad I could help. Merle, you take... God damn it, I rolled two once. You take four bludgeoning damage plus three acid damage. That's seven. Seven. Wow.

Yeah. I forgot to maybe scale these guys down a little bit. These are them level five monsters I was talking about earlier. Now Merle took seven? Yeah. I took seven. Yeah. Ow

I was wondering why you didn't look more concerned about that I guess because I thought it was you No I'm the one that's named after Mexican food stuff Bad Daddy And I'm named after Merle Haggard of course Perfect The right jelly

Will Make a path for a wall That it's relatively close to Sort of goblin up shrooms As it goes And And starts to actually Climb up the wall

of the cave heading back up towards the ceiling. Coward. And that's what he's going to do with his turn. Next up is Taco. So how are these, how are they looking right now? If I look at the two of them in terms of condition. You've got one right up against you guys that just smashed Merle. That looks pretty puny.

Looks pretty weak. As you guys are sort of blasting them with magic and the attacks that have landed on them, you're just sort of splattering parts of them away. So the one that Just Attack Merle is pretty puny. The one that's scaling the wall is actually pretty big still. Still pretty huge. It's got a bunch of those mushrooms filling around. There's something actually now that he's up against this glowing wall,

you can sort of see through him a little bit, and there's actually like a larger figure sort of in the healthier-looking beefier one that's climbing the wall. So if you were to con them, You would say that the one that just attack Merle is probably a little closer to the ropes. All right, I'm going to hit him with a ray of frost. Okay. 19.

Oh, yeah. Seven. You get him for seven damage? Mm-hmm. That was a good attack. Hey, you did a good job, Taco. Thank you. I'm all magicked out.

I'll take my constitution check now. He is, uh, well, yeah, yeah. Sorry, go ahead. Roll back. It's a 15. Okay, you're fine. Wow, these are good constitution saving throws you guys are doing. We're very constituted.

I guess that's true. The jelly is frozen completely solid. Are they strong or weak against stomping damage? There's only one way to find out. After Taco is Merle. Okay, Merle left to take a call. I've been covering for Merle. Oh, come on.

I know. You've ruined the fantasy. There's no cell phones. in Dungeons and Dragons. So everyone's back? Everyone's ready? We are all back. I hear somebody's Pepsi Max

bubbling up. It's a surge. It's a surge, actually. Are you kidding me? And it's the color of windshield wiper fluid. It's the most denseness and dragons thing I could think to drink. Yeah, good job.

Justin didn't sleep for six days. You really split the uprights. Justin, I'm actually going to give you a point of inspiration for drinking surge while we play Dungeons and Dragons. Go ahead and write that down on your character. sheet. I don't know what that's for. You can use that whenever you want to gain advantage on a roll.

Okay. Merle, sorry, it's your turn. You got one frozen goo ball right in front of you, and you got one climbing up the walls. Okay, and I wasn't paying attention. You talked about the condition of the two of them. One is frozen solid right in front of you. One of them is climbing up the wall. All right, then I'm going to cast sacred flame on the one climbing up the wall.

Okay. So it makes a check, a dexterity check against 13. That's a nine plus, sorry, minus two. That's a seven. So, yeah, that's a hit. Seven. Good hit. A palpable hit.

Yeah. Okay. He takes the hit, sort of loses some of his goo, just sort of streaks down the wall, just a bunch of streaks on the wall. Just a bunch of streaks on the China. We can't do a crossover, Mr. Belvedere, jerk off reference. Okay. Top of the order, Magnus. I want to kick the frozen one.

Okay. I want to kick him over the edge of the ledge. Okay. Go ahead and make a kick check, I guess. That would be an unarmed strike. And we call that a palae. Are you proficient and unarmed? Do you know?

I have a plus six and unarmed No, you don't I do Is this pre-nerf? Is this before I patched you? Let me see, hold on No, it's fine, plus six, cool, do it So I got an 11

Okay, yeah, that does it Because the thing is dead But you did a really showed him You really, really Drove the point home That you guys aren't nothing to fuck with And then you never said he was dead You just said he was froze

So what happens to the bomb? It's gone. It's just, it turned into snow. It turned into beautiful snow, and the snow is swirling all around you. Let it go. Let it go. Dad, I need you to make a Constitution saving. All great.

Five. That's what you get. That's not going to do it. You are going to take 1D4 poison damage. Great. A 2. All right. When I look at the snow, I say, that's how we do.

And then you make a Constitution saving. 22. Yeah. 21. Sorry, 21. And I yell, guys, stop talking. Have you just make a Constitution saving trip? I got a six.

A six, yeah. You're going to take 1D4 poison damage. Okay. That's a one. I shriek in terror. Seeing him poison. You take a Constitution saving throw. 15.

Yeah, you're fine. The jelly is going to take. Keep it down. The fungus is right out to the stuff of our boys. That is a seven. Okay. That's a three.

That's three points of damage on top of the one that you took. Okay. So if everybody's done, if this monkey shines. Ow. You weren't supposed to die in this room. We're not real good at this.

Actually, while you guys were doing all that, you lost sight of the jelly scaling wall. And instead, you just sort of hear the sound of gushing above you. Well, another successful battle. Actually, you're still in order. Next in the order is Taco. Make a perception check.

Yeah, sure, if you want. See if I see it. Well, I got a five anyway, so let's not even mess around. I cast... You can make an attack on a creature you can't see. It's just very hard. Or you can try and illuminate it somehow. Yeah, no, I'm not going to do that.

I am going to do press digitation and just shoot some sparks up in the air. Hell yeah. To try to catch a glimpse of it. Shoot some bubba sparks? Okay. You don't need to do a roll of sports No, I'm actually just shoot so I'm going to shake up a can of sparks

And I'm going to spray it in the air to see if it hits the slime guy Do you want to do that or do you want to do the fireworks? I'll do the fireworks thing. Okay, yeah, Taco launches of their silent fireworks Of silent fireworks. But deadly. Into the sky. And they burst and then sort of just like freeze frame up there.

It's really cool. And because of that, you can actually see the mask. of it sort of directly above taco. Cool, cool. Merle says, ooh, pretty. And he does. Constitution saving throw. Oh, right.

You can't die in here. 18. Okay. Cool. No, 20. You rolled an 18 plus two. Next in the order is you, Merle. This thing is about, this thing is about, it's on the ceiling about 20 feet up.

And now I can see it. Is it like one of those sticky toys that you throw up and we can see it starting Let's see it's starting to like peel off. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I have to try Sacred Flame one more time. Are you gonna burn all your spell slots, though? Sacred Flame is a cantrip, I think. Is it a can'trip bad or is it a spills lot?

It's a cantrip. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, I'll go for it. What's the, wait, what's the range on that, though? 20 feet. 60 feet. Oh, God. Flame away.

Why don't you flame the bad guys in the other cage? Yeah. Why don't you just flame your way out of this adventure? Just hit Clark. Just flame the final boss. Yeah. I just thought maybe. making it competitive was a good idea.

Okay. Yeah. All right. Okay. I make a check. Cool. I roll the four. So that's just, I'm not even going to buy.

So I subtract two from that. So bad. Okay. So am I rolling damage? Uh-huh. Yep. Seven plus. Nothing.

It's seven. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You do that. You blow a lot of his gunk off. And it sort of rains down, actually, on, on, on you and Taco.

Why don't you guys actually make reflex checks to see if you can sort of dodge this rain shower of ochre jelly jism that you've just showered all over the two of you. I don't see a reflex on here. Oh, sorry, it would just be a dexterity. Dexterity saving. You better do it because I'm minus one a dexterity.

Well, you both are going to do it. He can't reflex for you, Dad. That's not how reaction is for it. That's a good point. 16. 22. Yeah, cool You're both safe You it's like the matrix

You let or you just sort of Oh yeah Dodge the jism No It's like that It's like that one scene in the matrix Where they all dodge the jism That was Matrix

That was Matrix with three Xs Yeah Is there anything I can kick No but it is your turn Q with the kicking Got these new boots The ocher jelly on the ceiling looks like it's just sort of

just sort of a few fluid ounces. Merle uses hand signals to tell Magnus he should shoot it. Hold on. You had mentioned earlier there was a figure in the jelly. I mean, it's not a few fluid ounces. It's still, I was being hyperbolic. Does it look kind of, is it like a crank situation?

Oh, where there's like a brain inside? Well, is there like a smaller person inside of it? Is it a thing? At this, at this point, There's so little jelly remaining You can actually make out the shape of a Humanoid figure inside of it Cool, cool

It doesn't look like it's operating it from the inside out though Crang-like I see oh maybe it's being digested I'm all I'm gonna do is I'm gonna move Well not all I'm gonna do but I'm going to stand in underneath it with my shield raised Hell yeah and get ready to catch it as it falls. Dig it.

Cool. Well, that's on his turn. That's actually exactly what he's going to do. He's going to come down hard, though. So let's do a strength contest to see if you can withstand the blow of the jelly. Am I just rolling? Yeah, you'll do a check and you'll add your strength modifier to it. And that's what I'll do too.

And the winner takes it all. I roll 13 plus 2, 15. I rolled a 21. Okay. Yeah, you take the full weight of the jelly and just sort of easily cast it aside a few feet away from where you're standing. And that is it for the jelly turn. Is it taco? Yep, taco time.

Reefrosts. Here it comes. Count it. That's a... What is it, like a high number? I miss. What did you get? His armor class is a joke.

It's a one. Oh, well, that's a miss no matter what. Well, one plus five, six. No, no, it doesn't. You can't add anything to a one. You shoot out crushed ice. Wait, like that. And the jelly enjoys a cold beverage.

I can't add anything to a one. A one is a critical miss. No matter what, it misses. There's no, there's no fix in it. Yeah, so a little bit of two ice cubes come out. You ran out of coolant. Yeah. Taco shouts, fuck.

And you make a constant. Susan saving threat? 12. Okay, that's fine. Next in the order is Merle. You should... Okay.

I've already established that it's... Okay, so there's a difference between what did you hit it with originally, Trave, that split it in two? That was my axe. Slashing damage. So that's slashing. We haven't tried bludgeoning it, have we?

No. I'm going to hit it with my warhammer. We also haven't tried hugging it. I'm just saying, guys, maybe there's a peaceful option. I will very flirtatiously hit it with my warhammer. Okay. Kind of a wink and like a hip wiggle.

You hear the jelly go, hmm. That must be jam because jelly don't shake like that. 22. Oh, yeah. And then you roll 1D8 plus 10. Whoa, you roll max damage? I did. Damn.

The jelly just sort of splatters. And you actually send the fungus that it had ingested, which, by the way, was healing it the entire time you were fighting it. And you send a dwarven figure just flying out of the jelly. It rolls for about 10 or 15 feet and stops just shy of going flying off of the ledge. and you guys are out of combat. Congratulations, you've solved my jelly puzzle. Yeah! You have solved my puzzle of jazz.

Wait, was the solution kill it? He didn't say it was a hard puzzle. It was a very sticky situation. I'll make a constitution check. That was Agnes saying that. Oh, okay. I would have taken just you saying it, but that's fine. 13.

13, you're fine. Sometimes Magnus makes fun. Sometimes Travis makes fun. It depends on who's got the wheel at the second. There's actually a pretty big patch where the jelly has, the jellies, I should say, consumed a lot of the fungus. So you can safely stand there and talk it with your outside voices if you want, if you feel like it. Is it possible to gather up the fungus for future use? If you want to try and pick some of the fungus, I'll let you...

Hold on, Merle. I'll let you do it with a nature check if you want. What's a nature? check. Nature check. Nature check. I'm terrible at nature. Okay.

I'll try it. 18. 18. Yeah, you grab some mushrooms. They're not glowing anymore when you pick them up, and then you sort of ponder the nature of, like, life. You sort of ponder, like, the circle of life and nature and what... It's sort of, like, this perfect reflection of what we humans are doing to our ecosystem.

It's really tragic, you guys. Does it have a healing properties? That's what I need to know about. I've got some Netflix documentaries. I want you guys to watch. Does it have healing properties? I mean, god damn, there's one way to find out in there. Secondalic properties.

I hand the mushroom over to Merle, and I say, hey, you look rough. You took some serious damage in that fight. Maybe just give this a whirl. Trust me, I'm a wizard. I ought to eat one. You should eat one. All right. I'm going to eat one of the mushrooms.

Uncooked? Yeah? Yeah. So are you a Eden? You want it raw. What would Anthony Bourdain do? He would eat the weird jizz mushroom

off the cave floor. I am painting myself into a terrible corner. Do you know why Anthony Bourdain would eat that jizz mushroom? Why? Because he's got no reservations. That's also why he can't get dinner at a reasonable hour. Yeah. Tell me what to roll to see if it kills me.

No, you just eat it. I eat the mushroom. It tastes amazing. And you feel like a buzz, like you just drank a 12-ounce glass of delicious surge. But it doesn't patch your wounds, unfortunately. But I can't stress this enough. It was really delicious. You think maybe the water that was sort of nurturing these mushrooms had some sort of pecanter.

I shouldn't say Picante because then Taco's going to think that this is his moment. That it's it, they've wandered into a sul-sac haver. Is it continuing to drip and flow up over the edge? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's not flowing up onto the edge. It's sort of crashing against the rock wall and just sort of shooting straight upward. It's not like, you guys aren't in danger of being like swept over the edge or anything like that. How do we go investigate the dwarven figure?

Yeah, you still got the dwarven figure there. You got the elevator leading down, which actually, has like an iron lattice gate that has... Is there a man inside wearing like a jaunty hat and saying like, Oh, later this has got its ups and downs, that kind of thing? Yeah, that's exactly what... Lawn furniture, fourth floor, ladies lingerie, second floor. So...

I want to go investigate the dwarven figure. How do we do that? Just walk over. I walk over to the dwarven figure to investigate it. Okay. I'm assuming that you... Anything you say from this point on will be at a little whisper. Because I'm...

I am... Guys, we have to be quiet. You roll the dwarf over, and sadly, tragically, Merle, you recognize it as Nundro Rock Seeker, the second, the middle brother of the rock seeker. No! And then you take a constitution. Nondro! Check out his boots. While you check out his boots, Murrell takes a constitution saving, girl.

Seven. Seven. Not sufficient. That's one, though. Just one poison damage. I take... Dwarves have an advantage on saving throws against poison. Oh, tight.

And you have resistance against poison damage. Oh, great. We'll do that again, then. Roll. I don't know. Well, there are several that that should have applied to you. Well... Nine. Oh, plus two, 11.

Oh, then yeah, you're fine. Okay. I take Merle gently by the shoulders and lead him away. as I kind of like tilt my head towards the body at Taco like I'm gonna out check his pockets I searched the body for valuables you little nope you don't see it you're with me you're being consoled you don't know I'm doing that he's family you don't know I'm doing it he's a blind spot to you right now you need to be nurtured he does not have magic jumping boots no my magic jumping boots topical um he does have with him though

a rucksack with some mining supplies. You think it's maybe some of them that he got from the mining camp outposts that you guys found at the front of Wave Echo Cave where you found his dead brother. Don't worry he was long dead before you struck the killing blow. Oh, we weren't worried. Oh, okay. In the bag, though, he does have a very small lockbox

that is fortunately unlocked, because y'all don't got no rogues in your party, that has inside of it 320 gold pieces. A small fortune. All right, I put all that in my bag. God. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, go ahead, Mr. Funny Man. I assume we've split that.

You guys don't know about it. I put it all in my bag. Okay. I'll let the three you guys figure that out later. I watched that happen. You've done that bitch. and I take the rest of the gear and I throw it over the edge

and then I call out I don't know guys they got it all I guess before now Constitution and as you walk around we just hear jingle jangle jangle jingle jangle jingle jingle jingle jingle jingle jingle jingle you have like a ton of coins in your pocket

no they're all bottle caps I'm saving them for unicef I'm saving bottle caps for unicef I would love some gold though if you want to buy some bottle caps Every year, dragons kill kids. You can feed this entire village.

With bottle caps. I don't know. They just eat the things. No, I am going to need to make that Constitution saving through it, though. Yeah, that's fair. Five. It's not very good, is it? Two damage.

Also, in the lockbox is a small, very rusted iron key. Oh, there was a key. Okay. I bet that's to the elevator. Gesture, did you say? I wave them over and show them the key. And you give them like a thumbs up. Like a thumbs up, and then I point to the elevator.

And I snatch it because I was the only living relative. Okay. And you point it. You get the awesome rusted key. But you have to spend a night in the haunted house. It might be a magic elevator. Maybe that elevator is actually a warhammer or something. Maybe it's like the Wonkavator, and it'll go anywhere we'll go anywhere we

want. Let's get the fuck on it. Okay. Yeah, you, it is indeed the key to the elevator. Oh, thank God. You turn it, you go down. You are now on the level with the, uh, with the spring. You are actually getting a little bit wet as the, as the waves come up on you. What is the, how is the elevator working? Uh, it's sort of a rope and pulley situation. Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. It's very medieval and very fantasy. It's the kind of thing that one might take up to a parapet. I want to drink from the spring. Oh, okay. Yeah, you drink from the spring, and you, it's amazing.

You feel very, very energized, and you actually feel right as rain. You feel like you just woke up from a long rest. So kind of like a Seattleist commercial? You feel kind of like you're in a Seattleis commercial. We all get in tubs. Yeah, you actually feel incredible. And if you took any damage, it's actually, it's actually, it's actually, fine.

Y'all got you in on this spring. I better get a drink too. Okay. I'll drink from the spring. Okay. It kills you. It kills you. You die.

It's anti-dwarven raid. You can actually all take this opportunity to take a little spring break if you want. Oh shit. I didn't even think about that. Let's go see Kenny Chesney. That's who you'd want to see. That's how you'd want to see. Dwarfs a very specific.

Dwarves have very specific musical tastes. Most of them are into, like, electronic dance music. Most of them are, like, crazy about Diplo. Hell, I'm not like every dwarf you know. Do you know about Diplo, Dad? Yeah, they're little building blocks that people have. Like Legos? Right?

That's exactly right. I'm so proud of you. Can we make it canonical that Merle was cast out of, like, his clan because of his love for Kenny Chesney? Yeah. They were all listening to Scrillex. You're like Chesney Well, you never accept your taste in music, Merle She thinks my tractor's sexy

And I think I'm no longer welcome here Any way for us to store Some of this water? I checked my inventory I mean, you check yours See if you got a canteen or something I don't have a water skin I do have a water skin.

I bizarrely did not do not have a water skin on me Wait, do you have an adventurer's kit, juice? No. I do have a water skin. Can I fill it with water from the fountain? You can. You reach into the shimmering water of the spring, and you scoop up some of it from your water skin. It's amazing.

As you lift the water skin from the water, you peer inside, and it's actually almost like a flashlight. Like, it's that bright the water. It's shining out of it. I don't want shiny water. And as you stand there and look at it, it actually gets less. and less shiny, the longer you have it in your water skin until eventually the light completely goes out. And I assume it's lost all magical. Yeah, you get the idea that maybe it's not the water as much as it is the stone that the water is landing in.

Like the basin itself is sort of improving. I want to fill my water skin with the stone. I solve your riddle. You pop one out like a jawbreaker. And now you just suck it, sucking on stone. New from Kenny Chesney Sucking on stone Come on there

Damn get on my tractor bus Maximumfund.org Comedy and culture Artist owned Listener supported We're Dave and Graham And we host Stop Podcasting yourself We started this podcast back in 2008

Before podcasts had to have any kind of concept So we don't really know how to describe it It's kind of like going to the barbership shop if your barber knew all about the first season of the show Elf. It's like a 90-minute massage where the masseuse is two people talking to each other with a third person. It's like the Monsters of Metal Tour, only quieter, no music, and just talking. It's like a makeout session, but without the lips touching, they just talk a lot. Download stop podcasting yourself from iTunes or MaximumFun.comfun.org.