The Adventure Zone - Ep. 30. The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Two

Episode Date: December 31, 2015

Our heroes make their way into Lucas' floating, crystallized lab, and face off against their deadliest foe yet. Will they thrive under the pressure of an apocalyptic time limit? Or will they waste too much time just standing around, debating the names of members of the band U2? Magnus gets caught fibbing. Taako learns about a Grandpa. Merle gets Touched by an Angel. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone, Lucas, our scientific advisor, who has helped us build this base. Oh, the guy who was an asshole to the voidfish. Oh, so you have met him. He's gone too far. He's found a grand relic and has apparently been experimenting with it behind our backs. It's the Philosopher's Stone. The Harry Potter book?

Listen, it's not me who's doing this, okay? Something has taken over the Philosopher's Stone, and it used it to turn the exterior of my last. into crystal, specifically solid pink tourmaline, and whatever is handling that relic is still somehow using it, meaning everything that the gym touches is also going to get coated in gemstones. If his lab touches the ground, whole planet crystal. It's time for the regulators to roll out. We're sending you in to detain and extract Lucas for his abuse of confidential information.

Standard protocol applies. These suits allow you to cancel out a particular school of magic. Any transmutation magic that tries to affect you or any of the belongings you brought are going to be impervious. This is Carrie Fang Battle. She's a rogue and she's damn good. My name is Boyland. Excuse me? Does anyone have Anthony Michael Hall's phone number?

Because we're about to encounter some weird science. It's the Adventure Zone. So the three of you are currently sitting in a gondola, which is a fancy word for a little boat. The more you know! Sort of a makeshift dock in the Bureau of Balance hangar. Sitting just across from you, and another gondola is the regulator crew. You got Casey Fangbattle, you got Killian, and you got Boyland, who clarified over Twitter that the name is pronounced Boyland. But I received explicit permission to go ahead and call this character Boyland.

And so canonically, that's exactly what it is from now on. Fair enough. Good. And the Bureau of Balance Base has moved through the night sky to the point where it is about 50 or 60 feet up and about 30 feet sort of away from the laboratory of Lucas Miller. laboratory? Whatever you want to call it. It's America, so we're going to say laboratory. Okay.

Well, it's not like America in the game, so I think I can call it whatever the fuck I want. You're in my world now. All right. We're in the laboratory. You're getting your first look at this. Eight. Eight? Okay.

I can't see why that's, like, important to the situation. Humboy didn't save his character sheet, so he's just trying to drink. Well, I gave him that extra dry erase board, so that'll help. Is that the dry erase board available for sale at maxfundstore.com? Yeah, it's made by Topatico. Did you know that? Or Tapatako? I don't, listen.

That's not in fiction. But it's a wonderful product. I have two of them. I'm giving one to Taco. Okay. Well, I know what those look like, just like when you get them from the store, and they don't have tacos vital stats on them. So I guess you're just going to be making a lot of this shit up.

Boy, I need to save your guys' character sheets for you. Not mine. I've got mine. I do my own work. Dad, yours is literally on the most, like, ephemeral way it could be possible. Please do not act like you are king shit. Because that could be erased with like a stiff breeze. No, this is great.

Are you criticizing the product, Justin? No, it's a great product. All right. So you're getting your first look at the lab now. And it's kind of similar in a scale to the people. Bureau Balance Lab. It was kind of the prototype for the Bureau Balance headquarters. It was kind of the prototype for the base you are currently stationed at. Only it is, as Lucas suggested, covered in pink crystal. And there's kind of a gnarly winter storm happening outside. And so

there are these... Grinv, I'm sorry, gnarly is in awesome or gnarly is in bad? as in like well if you like the winter weather if you if you were hoping for a way you know you could say like they were gnarly waves dude yeah okay so if you were like snow surfing they would be gnarly waves got it um there's a lot of snow accumulating and uh it's actually caused some like weird like uh uh like spiky buildup all around the exterior of the lab yeah you're gonna need some uh grime spray or something for that but but but otherwise it looks kind of like the Bureau of Balance headquarters, except it's all sort of contained in a single gigantic dome. There's no like outdoor quad area. There's no, you know, lush field of grass. It's all just one sort of enclosed space. So like we got the LS model and he just got like the standard off, you know, like off the lot. Exactly. No seat warmers. The Bureau Balanced headquarters benefited from being the second iteration. And the director walks up to the six of you in your two gondolas, and she says,

Now, we've had to get kind of creative with your approach. We can't have you connected in any way because, say, for instance, if you repel down, if the rope touches the crystal, it could travel up here, and we could lose the base. So we've cast a levitation charm on both of these gondolas, and we're kind of going to need to just sort of hurl you down there. Nice. Nice. We're just going to, yeah, we're going to like, well, I'm not going to do it.

Obie's going to do it. But we're just going to kind of push you off and angle you, and then just kind of do like a, like we're throwing a lawn dog. Mm-hmm. Okay. I would be lying if I said this was the safety. thing. I'm on board with it.

Okay. Has OSHA cleared this? Absolutely not. But we've only got about 36 minutes. OSHA, more like, oh shit. Let's do this. Oh, okay. And with that, Avi, if you do the honors.

And Avi goes behind the regulators gondola and grabs onto the back of it and kind of just gives it like a running push off the edge. He forgets to let go. Oh, no. Doc. Oh, no. Bye. Avi's dead. No, he's not. He's not dead. He pushes the other gondola off and you watch it very slowly,

very diagonally start moving through this winter storm. And then Avi comes up and grabs the back of your gondola and says, you guys ready to go? Feel the rhythm. Feel the rhyme. Get on up. It's fantasy bobsled time. I don't know why I added fantasy to that. Anyway, bye. To the extreme. As you holler that into the abyss, you are pushed off of the, pushed off of the Bureau Balance hangar, and it's a bit terrifying because now you're kind of free-falling, kind of sinking, slowly, kind of floating diagonally, directly towards the laboratory. And your target is this hole towards the top of the base, the skylight in the conservatory that Lucas mentioned in last week's episode that you probably forgot about.

And you're kind of sinking towards this. You see Carrie Fang Battle, like standing up in her gondola, just kind of like hooting and hollering, having a good old time. But it's a pretty upsetting experience, this sinking. Magnus is actually outboard. And this descent lasts for about a good 30 seconds or so. You're getting pretty close to the base. but suddenly a squall from this winter storm

presses up against your boats and your boat starts a rockin and a rowing in the sky and so does the regulator's boat you actually see them get a little bit more altitude like this storm is like picking them up a little bit and sort of throwing off Avi's trajectory and as you approach the base they've actually gained a lot of altitude

and you watch their gondola just kind of sail over this craggy sort of crystalline mountain range that has sort of built up as the snow collects on top of the base, and you watch them sort of disappear out of sight. While your own boat gets rocked around a little bit, but the trajectory doesn't get off too much, and you guys skid to a halt on top of. of the, on top of this Lab's dome, kind of precariously teetering over the edge of this hole into the conservatory below.

Wow, what a ride. Yeah, that was thrilling. I feel bad for the other guys. As soon as your boat touches down, it turns to crystal. Oh, man. Not as soon as it does. There's a kind of a slow transformation process, but it turns to crystal. And now, like, sort of how you were precariously positioned, it's actually getting a little teeter-tottery.

I just named that boat. Okay, so we hop in the hole? No? I say we move towards the back of the boat very carefully. Well, Griffin, when it crystallizes, is it like a... No, it's not fused. It's not fused, no, it's just on there, and it's now covered in crystal. Yeah, I'm with Merle on this one then.

Okay. Yeah, you scoot very carefully to the back of the boat. Is there a check I can make you do? Well, yeah, I think I need to. What would this fall under if you're carefully scooting? Is there a scoot modifier? Athletics for balance, I guess, right? Yeah, I'll let you guys do either athletics or dexterity.

Okay. Whichever one you want. Athletics. That is an 18 plus 725. That succeeds. All right. Looking for two successes. That's a 19.

That'll do it. Plus four, that's 23. So seven. Okay. Well, the other two got you covered. They very dexterously back up to the back of the boat, and it comes down with a thud on the top of this solid base, and you are not in danger of falling in this hole. Nice. We solved the whole puzzle.

That was not a puzzle. It was, because we could have fallen in, but we didn't. Ten experience points. 11 for me, thank you. Wait, you fucked up. Why do you get more? Because you need them more. It's a handicap.

I'm handicapped. So yeah, you can see down in this hole now. It's about a 30-foot drop down into the conservatory. It's a pretty cavernous room. And it is completely, you can't see much from where you're at, but you can tell that this conservatory that was, full of all these towering trees has been completely crystallized. Can we rappel down the wall?

I think repel is like how a human being would pronounce that. I think it's rappel. I think the accent's on the first level. I think the problem is if the rope touches anything, it's going to turn to crystal, right? Can we robble rovel down the wall like the hamburger does? Could we use a grappling hook? We could use a grappling hook. All of the belongings that you have with you have been treated.

with the same stuff that went into your null suits, which I don't think I did a great job of explaining last week. It's basically like a spacesuit. I wanted you guys to be wearing spacesuits. Yeah. So you're wearing space suit. Okay. Cool.

So yeah, if you had a rope with you, you could try and climb down it or, you know, do whatever. Hmm. Okay, we do that. Okay. Well, there's a, yeah, there's a few like rocky or crystalline. outcroppings that you could tie a rope to and you all three are going to need to make

some athletics checks it'll be pretty bad if you fall down this there's a 40 foot drop that's a ton of damage but 13 plus 720 okay 9 plus 413 athletics check that's going to not be great for me let me do a quick

maybe acrobatics no it wouldn't really be acrobatics unless you're doing like some fucking Cirque de Soleil shit like suspending yourself by a single angle. Do you have a spell you could use instead of using the rope? Don't you have a feather duster

or something? Featherfall. I sold that. No, you have a in your umbrella. That was one of the effects you had. That's why I sold it. Yes. Yes, feather fall. Excellent. That's a great idea, Travis. Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. A fantasy, Travis.

Magnus, like a veteran gym teacher, goes down a rope, just like hand over hand, upside down, like totally bawling. He's the greatest. And reaches the crystalline forest floor below. And Magnus, you see Taco and Merle just try and do this, but they like get two hands down and just like both fall and you shout, feather fall. Yeah, your umbrella has group feather fall, which you got from one of the staves. Umbrella 8, yeah. It was either cut man or fall man or... So, yeah, it's safely and shrouds you and Merle in a silvery light as you slowly descend to the floor below.

I want it stated that I rolled a 13. I mean, he got five. I shouldn't have needed that much help, should I? No, actually, you probably wouldn't have fallen, but you would have gotten some bad burns on your hands. Oh, okay. I don't want bad burns. You need those hands. So you've made it to the floor of the conservancy.

And it's full of these, it's basically a forest, a artificial forest of these of these crystalline trees. And you're sort of surrounded, you can see two paths from where you landed. You can see a path out to a pond that has also been crystallized. It's basically just a big pink clearing now. Now, Griffin, are we safe to assume that everything has been crystallized just to save you a little time in describing everything? Everything in this room has been crystallized. Got it.

So, yes, if you want me, I can stop saying that word as much as I have been. I'm just afraid it will begin to lose meaning. Yeah, sure. In the opposite direction, you see a small sort of clearing that almost looks like a garden. Has it been crystallized? It has actually been crystallized. Great. And there are actually some...

Because you start describing things by what hasn't been crystallized yet. Okay. Like, if there was air in a room, you wouldn't say like, and there's air everywhere. And it's just like all around you and it's above you and below you in parts. Like, let's just assume crystals are like air. And there's crystals just like crystals, crystals, crystals, crystals everywhere. Beautiful, beautiful paint. And it would tinkle.

Wouldn't that be cool? Would just tinkling all around us. How's the tinkle, Griffin? Tell us about your tinkle. Put some tinkle in this crinkles. There's some ambient crinkle tinkles. Okay. It's kind of like you're on like a Mario Ice level.

Is there just a sprinkle of crinkle tinkles? Yes. Okay. And so anyway, there's a frozen garden, crystallized. There's some, there are actually some robots in it. They're holding like various garden tools, a watering can. Crystallized robots? Some sheer, yeah, they've all been crystallized.

Everything. It's all crystal baby. And they're non-functioning. I assume, right? No, they're actually screaming. No, yeah, they're not functioning. They are dormant. Should we attack them, you think?

Should we kill them? They're wrapped in air, by which I'm in crystals. Ditto? Do we have any kind of map or understanding of where to go from the conservatory, or do they just, like, drop us off a figure that we'll just, like, into it the way? Lucas said that you need to move toward the interior of the base. The conservatory is sort of on the outside. and you need to move toward the center because that's where he is in a med bay,

hold up in a med bay that is not crystallized, and he needs you to get to him and help him out. Could I suggest a perception check to help us figure out where to go? Yes, you may. I suggest a perception check. Good call. 220. There's my good role.

I've been waiting for those good, good roles. and it's when I need to look at a bunch of fucking crystals. Just exactly what I hope for. What? I rolled an 18. We're bringing all those big points. I rolled a three. Dad falls over and a crystal goes through his eye socket.

Oh, wait, no, I had to add three for perception check, so it's a six. All right. So it got both eyes. The secrets of the universe are exposed to you. You know, Taco and Magnus, you make out across this, uh, you make out across this, uh, pond and you know that pond is made of crystal right oh okay yeah yeah also everything's crystal i'm literally a pending crystal to every word you're sorry okay great uh across that pond you actually see something that doesn't have the same sort of uh pink hue that everything else around you has

you actually see a uh a faint circle of white light um and you can see some metal inside of that circle that is just metal. It's not, it is not crystallized. I would like to move closer to that. Okay. As you guys move across this pond, that crinkle tinkle that you've sort of been hearing the whole time you've been in this room starts to get louder until it's almost like a consistent like hum. And pretty soon that hum is forming like a melody.

It's forming music and it's coming from like, it's not like there's a loudspeaker anywhere. It's just like coming, it's resonating through the crystal. Um, and you can hear it. And eventually on top of that hum, you hear a voice. And the voice sounds weird. It sounds, um, it doesn't sound real. It sounds synthetic in a way. Uh, and that voice sings the following. Now, Griffin, is this something I need to write down? Is it like a direct clue? Or is it just like, okay.

I mean, it's not going to be like the password to a safe later on, word for word, that you have to like sing it back to it. It's what I like to call foreshadowing and maybe character development. What the fuck? Okay, that's what I was looking for. As you shout that, a rift appears in the air directly in front of you. It's not very big. It's pretty small about the size of a tennis ball.

just kind of tears itself in the fabric of space. And from it, a small light pops out, a small little ball of light pops out and drops into the pond that you're standing on. And then shit gets really, really raw very, very quickly. It feels like there's an earthquake in this room, and you hear the sound of trees. just falling over and shattering as you as they hit the ground. And shards of those trees are flying at you toward where this light dropped in. And from the pond that you're standing on, like a huge chunk of crystal comes flying up. And I actually need all of you guys to make a dexterity saving throw to dodge all of these crystal shards as they fly in your direction.

18 plus 2.20. 16. 10. plus zero. Okay. Ten. Taco and Magnus, you, you dodge them. But, uh,

Murrell, you are not as lucky. Um, a, a pretty sharp, like, almost blade of crystal comes flying in your direction that's been sheared off of a, uh, sheared off of a tree nearby, uh, and hits you for seven damage, uh, and knocks you to the ground. But it doesn't do, weirdly enough, it doesn't do, like, slashing damage to you. Your space suit is not cut open. It almost feels like the suit converted it to, like, blunt damage. Whatever this suit is made out of is sort of protected against slashes.

But that's going to leave a nasty bruise, isn't it? Yeah, a 7-HP-sized bruise. Argue! And all of these crystal shards. are flying together and sort of floating in air and self-forming to create a pretty horrifying sight. It's a, it is a creature, and it stands at about 15 feet tall. It's got four razor-sharp claws extending off of these arms that are nearly the length of its body. It's got these long legs that end in almost,

in points. It doesn't appear to have traditional feet. It seems to be just sort of suspended in the air somehow. It seems to be just sort of suspended in the air somehow. And its torso is comprised of a large single piece of tourmaline that's about as broad and tall as a refrigerator with these nasty-looking spurs poking out of it. And its head is more of these crystal blades coming together to form like a pyramid-like peak. And that light has risen out of the pond you're standing on and is now spread throughout this entire crystal Golan, making it appear like his insides are all just white fire. And it's pretty, it looks pretty menacing. I whispered to my shield. Did I ever tell you about the time I fought all those crystal monsters?

Okay. Go ahead and make a bluff check. Okay. That is. is a not good enough. Okay, that's one strike. What was it? Come on. Hey, shield, he's lying. While you did that very discreetly, this giant razor-sharp crystal monster is just kind of eyeing the three of you over. He's standing still for the time being. Hail and well met.

You mean to it. It turns its head. Yoinks in a way! My name is Taco and you look like you're made of salt. It flies at you, Taco, and puts its head. just like inches away from from your own and gets real real close. Don't mention alt-say. Oh, a little hard hearing, huh?

Well, that's okay. Come on, Dan. We're adventurers? I don't sound like this. I don't know. No, that's pretty good. I don't think it's that bad. It's not bad.

That was, that was premium taco. Pretty close. Yeah. Where's the interior? Hey, hey, salt. It backs away from you, Taco. It sort of moves back. What's up now, Geo, dude?

I believe his name is Morton. Magnus, it turns to you next, and it sort of flies up on you next and gets real, real, real close and just kind of eyes you over. And it's going a little bit brighter inside of that white light. Eye it right back. Okay. You don't move your steely gaze. Yeah. Do you want to try and intimidate it?

Yeah. Now that you mention it, I do. That's a Nat 20 Okay You crit And it backs up like a millimeter So little that maybe your two cohorts didn't notice But you know

You know what you know You know what the fuck's up And he backs away from you too Like you back King King and got shit on me Like he backs away from Taco And then Merle he moves to you next And he gets all up in your business

He gets all up in your grill I start to very subtly and very easily cry. Big tears are rolling down my cheeks because I'm sure he's going to kill me. It's a clever move, Dad. I'll never see that one coming. And then with a quivering lip, I cast meld into stone. Why are you doing this? I can meld with him.

He hasn't attacked us yet. Let's not instigate with the big crystal monster. Well, it doesn't attack him. It doesn't hurt him. You just want to become... I just want to be... Well, maybe I can understand it a little better. If I melt with him.

If I meld with him, maybe I'll know what he's thinking. All right, I won't meld into stone. That white light inside of him, Merle, is now glowing even brighter. And this big crystal golem moves away from the three of you. now and surveys all three of you one more time and then holds out one of its long, sharp claws and points it at Merle. And you hear stones in its head rubbed together to form a sound that sounds vaguely like, you. And then we're going to roll initiative. Did he finish the statement by saying suck

you are a jerk you're great you too is one of my favorite band no their late work doesn't get enough credit but they've been in something of a renaissance for the past half decade

Bono is still one of the most electrifying frontmen and the business today I saw their show in Leeds It was amazing Don't get me started on slash And the edge Why forget about

Forget all about bucket man These are not people in YouTube I guess I don't know as much about you too As I thought I did What do you want? An apology? Did you confuse the edge with slash again? What you slash with an edge? Both are blades

I don't know and their friend blunts. Wow, that would actually be a way better band. Hey, everybody, is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your long-lost uncle. Lost the allostomy and the Adirondacks hiking about two decades back. I ain't seen you in a while, but you growed up real nice. Thanks for listening to The Adventure Zone, Episode 30, the second part of our Crystal Kingdom

arc. I hope you've enjoyed it. Let's get into the advertisements. I have a call to action for everybody listening to the podcast this week. I hope you're enjoying our Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Here's my call to action. Go listen to another Dungeons and Dragons podcast. I'm not saying you replace our show with theirs.

More, more you supplement it because you can't have enough real, real play D&D podcasts in your life. The one I want you to go listen to is called Drunks and Dragons. It's Drunks and Dragons. You can find it on iTunes or, assumedly, where all podcasts are sold. Drunks and Dragons is a fun, lighthearted, real-play D&D podcast with a huge back catalog to listen to. Drunks and Dragons isn't just a podcast. It's a welcoming and inclusive community of gamers

that are waiting to become your best friends. Again, not to replace me as your best friend. Still waiting on that Christmas card, best friend. But to supplement it, with more best friends, more dungeons, more dragons, more drunks. We don't record the podcast drunk, so that'll be like a new energy that they bring to the table. Anyway, the show's called Drunks and Dragons

And go look it up on iTunes And check it out and listen to it Got a personal message here If you want to get a personal message Or a business message on the Adventure Zone Just go to Maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron We got spots available for folks Who want to give a little shout out on the show

It's easy to sign up for one You can find all the details again At Maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron Message here is for Marvie I'm wondering if that's the same Marvie that I made a characterate adventure set and then my family murdered. But I hope not because this message is from Marvey, and it's from Alden.

And Alden says, Merry Christmas, Marvie. I am so proud of you for following your dreams and going to grad school. I know the transition is hard, but you are so strong and are handling it great. I love you and know you will be the best, Alden. Or you will be the best Alden. No, no, no, there's a comment there. You will be the best, comma, Alden. Sincerely, I assume, Alden.

unless maybe Marvie is going to Alden school and is going to take you over, going to take your job, and then you're going to have to change your name to something else, like Bo or something. Merry Christmas, Marvey, and good luck with the grad school. Got another personal message here. This one's for Nicole, and it's from David. And David says,

Nicole, thank you for helping me through a rough time. You've always been there for me, and I'll always be there for you. You're the best not a girlfriend a guy could ask for. Just always remember, Josh loves Donna. That's from David. Some spoilers in there. Some West Wing mid-series run spoilers in there. Will they, won't they?

Who am I to say? I don't know who I am to say. But go watch the West Wing because it's a really, really, really wonderful television show. Anyway, Nicole, David, congratulations on your arrangement. Not sure exactly what it is. I had to reread the email a few times to sort of understand it. It sounds like there's a lot of love there. And that's, you know, that's all you need in this crazy mixed-up, dumb, dumb world of ours.

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but there's some really great stuff there right now, too, like the Flop House, and Lady to Lady, and Can I Pet Your Dog? We do other shows in the network like My Brother and My Brother and Me and Sawbones and Bunker Buddies. So yeah, there's a ton of programming there. It's all free and it's all very good. Anyway, two to me at the show using the zonecast hashtag, you might end up as a character in this arc. I still got a few characters that I need the name, so get those tweets in. If you want to help us out in other ways, you can review the show on iTunes.

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I don't really have any other, like, messages I need to say, except for it's been over a year now since we've been doing this podcast and the reaction to it has been absolutely wonderful. It's been, like, the most exciting sort of creative endeavor that I've probably ever been a part of. And thank you all so, so much for being so supportive of it and helping it be a success. We really genuinely appreciate it and love doing it. it and look forward to doing it a whole lot more in 2016. So stay tuned. Next episode is going up on January. This should be easy since this is the 31st, but I'm an idiot. So I want to double check. Yes, January 14th, 2016. Can you believe that shit? January 14th, 2016. We'll see you then. Bye.

In 18. I'm sorry I'm rolling so well, everyone. I know. I know it always seems sketch. Quite a conspiracy theorists. All right. That was an eight. I get to roll again and add two to the highest one. Yeah, my final number is 20. 12 plus 2, 14. Eight. First of the order is Magnus. So we're fighting now?

That's typically what initiative means. Yeah, we're rolling initiative to see you hugged first. I am going to two-handed slash him with rail splitter. Okay. Let me get all my Kutrimal here. Okay. That is 14 plus 7 at 21. Yeah, that does it.

And that is 1d10 plus 6. That is a 7 plus 6, 13. And I am going to use one of my new skills called Goating Strike. When an attack lands, it is the damage plus my thing. So 13 plus 4, 17. So did a, you got a roll a 17 or better and on a wisdom saving throw. And on a fail, the target has disadvantage on attacks, not against me. Okay.

Uh, 15. Not going to do it. Nope. Uh, okay. And how much damage did you deal? I did 13. Okay. You actually did six.

Okay, well, good news. I'm going to attack again with my second attack. Okay. Do and it's right. It's a 16 plus seven, 23. That does it. What?

That does it. That hit it. Great. That's a hit. And that does. Three plus... No, yeah, three plus six. So nine damage.

Okay, that's four damage. Cool. So this guy is strong, y'all. Yeah. And next in the order, you see him... Is the Crystal Golem. You see him, like, start to, like... He wants to, like, he wants...

to attack you because the attack you did to him, but he actually turns towards Merle. And Merle, he's going to float over in your direction and rake one of his claws at you. Remember he has disadvantage. That's a natural 20? Oh, man,

zies. That is a 15.7. 22 versus your AC. Well, that's definitely a hit. Okay. But at least he didn't hit you with a crit. That is true. He hits you for 19 damage, and again, your suit sort of catches those blades and sort of converts it into blunt damage.

Nice. I can't believe my blunt got hurt. Yeah, he hits you real, real, real, real hard. Next in the order, who rolled the 14? I did. Okay, it's you. All right, I am casting one of my new spells, guardian of faith. A large spectral guardian appears and hovers for the duration in an unoccupied space of my choice,

which will be right next to me. Okay. And we can see it. It occupies that space and is indistinct, except it holds a gleaming sword and shield. Fuck yeah. Emblazoned with the pipes of pan. Nice. And what is it?

Can you say what this thing looks like? And can it please be Roma Downing? I think, oh. I kind of want like a touch by an angel thing. Let's do it. No, no, no. It's your game and I want you to do whatever. No, no, no. I was going to go with Hacksaw Jim Duggan, but I think Roma Downey would be better. Okay. I just, I really want some Touch by an Angel fan fiction stuff going on in the game. Well, then I say it looks like Della Reese.

Fuck, yes, even better. Slammed down. Yeah. Now, any creature that's hostile that moves within 10 feet of the Guardian, which is standing right next to us, For the first time on a turn has to make a dexterity saving throw. It takes 20 radiant damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. Wow. Jeez. Okay. And how long does it last?

Until it deals 60 damage total. Wow. Damn, Delorese. Holy shit. Deloress is a badass. No kidding. Okay. But this thing can't move.

It's sort of like a stationary... It's staying right next to us. Okay, cool. That's a neat spell. Yeah. Okay, so you built a little security person for yourself. It kind of makes my swinging in axe that a guy look pretty pathetic, doesn't it? No, no, no, no.

Okay, but that's your turn, right? Because you cast a spell. That's my turn. Next in the order is Taco. So, like, what's this guy vulnerable to? Do we know? Insults. Global warming.

Okay. Just time, just the erosion of time. The bite of a jealous lover. Huh? Huh? Well, more like poetic. bite, not like an actual bite, that'll be weird. I'll go, I will actually...

Don't worry about it. Nothing. I forget I said it. I'm on a lot of cold medicine. I'm gonna confirm immunity to biting damage. Don't try and bite this fucking thing. I mean, like... Kill it. I guess I'm just kind of bored by... Do you have any sonic

spells? I mean, I've got Sonic the Hedgehog. I'm just as I brought the tape. Do you have anything that lets you melt with stone? Oh, crap. A lot of people have been talking about that lately, and I don't think it makes any sense. I'm going to cast... You know what?

I'm going to try this. I'm going to try... Shatter. That sounds good for a crystal thing. Holy shit. A sudden loud ringing noise, painfully intense erupts from a point of my choice within range. Each creature in a 10-foot radius sphere centered on that point. I'm just aiming for, like, its head.

The creature takes three... D8 thunder damage on a failed save or half as much on a successful one. Read the next part. Creature made of inorganic material such as stone, crystal, or metal has disadvantage on this saving throw. Yeah, that's why I cast it. Fuck, yes. Okay, I had no idea this spell existed when I wrote this whole campaign art.

Okay, so here's the problem. This thing has got to be close to at least Merle, because he just moved and attacked Merle. So Merle, you're going to have to be a part of this save as well. How big is the thing? It's a 10-foot radius. How big is the creature? Oh, I did say it was 15 feet tall, didn't I? Yeah, so I ended its head. Okay, I'll give you that. Merle's no way it's Merle 5 feet tall. No, absolutely not. Okay, cool. Four foot 11 and a half tops. Cool. Okay, yeah, so this thing has to save against your spell saving throw, which is Yeah.

Eight plus your spell casting modifier, which is either six or seven. You don't know. Seven. Seven. Okay. So I have to beat a 15. Yep. I got a 17, but I fucking disadvantage.

14. All right. Shit. Okay, this thing's about to take a ton of damage. Here it comes. Here comes. It's going to be a D8 that won't deviate. Okay.

I'm just trying to give you time. Okay, so wait. Is the diamond? Yes, it's the date. Five. Eight. Eight. Wow.

21. 21 points of demulage. Okay. Not only that, one of its arms just explodes. You just sort of reduce it to pink dust. Quick question. Was it his favorite arm? It was, let's just, I'll say this.

I don't want to get blue. If you're a child. and you're listening to show legally, you have to tell me it's entrapment. This is baiting an arm. Got it. For baiting fish hooks. Exactly. Oh, I thought he meant masturbating.

Dad? Clinton. What? You don't know what that is. Shut up. Gross of Rooney. So, yeah, his arm explodes. But from behind the three of you, you hear more moving.

And more pieces of crystal tree, fly at this thing and builds an even more deadly looking razor sharp clawed arm Oh Is running an option? I mean, it's always an option, yeah.

I see. It is your turn. It is your turn, Magnus. Sometimes Magnus rushes out. It would be the first time I've heard of it. Although I suppose You know, this podcast hasn't sort of encapsulated the entirety of your character's lives. Yeah, you don't know.

Yeah, sure. Magnus is 400 years old. Well, we don't know about that. Taco has a peanut allergy. I haven't even gotten to that yet. Merle likes long walks in the beach. I don't know. It's just, it seems pointless.

There's all these crystal around. What are we really hoping to do here? Fellas? Anything? Hey, you're on your... I mean, I had his head. really hard with a shattering spell. Yeah, no, and I thought that that went great, but then like he made a tree arm or something.

I mean, I'm into running. I didn't. Let me say that in my character voice. I'm into running. That's fine by me. If you guys want to bolt, let's do it. Yeah, it looks like we are skeed-daddling. Uh, okay.

I'm not- No way, are you okay with that, Magnus? Yeah. Merle? I don't know if you saw, I hit him and did like six damn. That is not something I am used to. Merle, are you good with running? I think that you're a bunch of honeies. Okay.

I think this is the first time we faced anything that was actually tough, that we weren't assured of beating. Yeah. And you're going to run away. You know that if we all... Way, way, way, run away. You know that if we all die, there's no more podcasts and we don't get the money from the max fund donations anymore, right? Hey! Okay.

Griffin, wait, wait, wait, before we do this. is this not what we're supposed to do? Because it really felt to me like we were supposed to run away. But there's no like... This is our adventure. Yeah, there's no like... Well, I want to win D&D. Yeah, sure.

Don't chop up the kimono. Let me go. I ripped open the kimono, whether you like it or not. Okay, we'll say you guys start moving away from this big crystal golem. And we'll use Magnus's turn as sort of the basis of that group action. And on the start of this Crystal Golem's turn, he watches, where are you running? Remind me of the options? Back to where you dropped in or that white circle of light around the metal hatch.

White circle of light, please. Yeah, let's go for it. Are we ever going to know why he pointed at Merle and said you? Oh, because you just have one of those faces, you know, that people see and they're like, ooh, that guy. The three of you make a break for that white hatch. and on its turn Wait a man, can we please at least go

Yes, I will assume that that is what you The sound that you create As you did that And as you As you bolt on this crystal golem's turn Della Reese is going to get A strike With her heavenly sword

On it And this thing Makes a dexterity saving throw that's a nine so I doubt that's going to clear it no so yeah Delorese just stabs this thing

right through it's 20 radiant damage for yeah it gets stabbed right through the old chest and it actually takes 40 radiant damage and you hear it scream through that that crystal beak

that it intimidated Merle with earlier you hear it just like scream and the light in this thing kind of pops out of its chest and leaves that crystal golem and the golem just falls to the ground. I knew we could do it. Way to go, Della!

And a rift opens up back in space and the light flies into it and disappears. I never doubted us for a second. I knew we could win. Della Reese. Deloress looks at you and says looks like someone just got touched by an angel. She she sheathes her sword and disappears. Yeah, it's pretty good. Wow. That was an

excellent adventure. What kind of loot do we get? I mean, there's a bunch of, uh, you know, virulent crystal all, basically everywhere. Fuck yeah, finally some crystal. This place is probably worth about, uh, like 20 trillion gold pieces, just like to, in total. Okay. Just like if you take, I still want to make our way to that, to that glowing hatch thing. Okay. Uh, yeah. Uh, I'd like to go check that out too. Okay. Yeah, it is a circular hatch with a gap in between these two semicircle doors. And there is a...

Oh, wait. Huh? Merle. Huh? That's why it was you, because you're the holy man, because you have some kind of religious thing, radianted double damage. That's why he singled you out. Okay.

Let's remember that So yeah This hatch has a small panel On the door of it And it is not crystallized And you hear actually Lucas Come in through the pendant That the director gave you

Before you Departed from the Bureau of Balance headquarters You hear Lucas say First of all What the hell was that? What just happened? I heard a bunch of crumbling and cracking and crinkle tinkles.

Yeah, it was awesome There was a crystal monster and we lured him into a trap that we had set. Yeah, we pretended we were running away. And he fell for it. He fell for it, dingus. And then we killed it. Well, we, a trap. So, yeah, we killed it.

Yeah, we did. 20 experience points. We gave ourselves 25 Christmas experience points. Well, that shouldn't, there shouldn't be anything here. Anything that was in the crystallized rooms should have just gotten, just should have gotten frozen. Well, you weren't here, were you? You weren't here. Hey, Lucas, uh, my name is here. Um, in your experiments with these crystals, did you, uh, ever hear a voice or sounds like something was talking to you? Um, no, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about. Okay. All right.

Us either. I don't believe you, but that's cool. No, huh? No. It didn't happen to us either. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-huh. Uh. Nope. Nope. Okay. Have you made it to the, to the, to the, to the, to the, to the, exit of the conservatory to the first arcane airlock? Is it the glowing hats? Yeah, that's what it would look like. Yeah, sure. Then yes. Oh, yeah.

Okay, yeah, just put your hand on the panel, and I'll channel enough energy into it and let you guys through. And then once you move through that chamber, I'll be able to shut down that airlock and buy us a little bit more energy and a little bit more time. I do that. Okay. Wait. Is this going to affect how the reclaimers, all their shit, and being able to

get in and stuff. I thought we were the only reclimers. Are you saying that into the pendant? No, I've got my hand over the pendant. I'm talking to Merle and I forgot who they are or what they're doing. And I don't care about them anyway. The regulators, the ones who are like supposed to back us up

and like arrest. They're doing a great job so far, aren't they? Where are they? They got blown away in the gnarly storm. Oh man, like the Martian. Love that book. Listen. Okay. we're done here

good conversation I think that we've already proven that we can't keep really good track of them just from like a narrative human being like I don't think we can keep tabs on them they've got really got a fin for themselves

because we need the time You know what? I can't fault your logic all right I uncover the pendant I put my hand on the thing Here's what I'm saying Either they die They cover the pendant

Either they die or we forget them Either way they're not going to Probably both. Yeah, probably both. I uncover the pendant. Oh, thank God. It was getting a little stuffy. Wait, that doesn't make sense.

No, that's not how it works. Are you independent? Can you live with the pendant? He is independent. Oh, that's a good joke. Anyway, just put your hand on the panel on the door, and it should open up for you, and you'll be protected from that crystal thing.

The next chamber should be clear as far as I know. Cool. I do that. Okay. Well, hold on that. Magnus... No, that's okay. God, son of a damn it. Could you two not have gotten together on the letters with which your names begin?

Should I be Pearl? Mine actually is a silent P. So shit, and you're Pearl and Pagnes. You guys really are the worst two people. What were you going to say, Tago? Dad was going to say something. I'm just calling him Dad. Okay.

he's my dad dad what were you going to say he was going to say something well I'm in character so I don't answer holy shit me you're running okay Morgness is going to say something now

I just was wondering if it might be a trap but we're obviously in a hurry to get through the airline nope not a trap eat me we don't know you you're a real

you're a ding bad too I don't like you at all but let's go I say we'll go through this is game boring and this is a podcast let's go uh you you move into the airlock and it is it's like a it's like an airlock in a spaceship or a submarine um it's a it's a small

chain which we have all been in um no well maybe probably maybe in the backstory probably not um it's it's just a little chamber and it has two of these white circular hatches on either side and as you move into the airlock it is not crystallized it is uh it's made of uh just sort of a white uh metal and um uh the hatch closing is behind you and you hear a hissing sound, there's some, uh, some, some smoke in the room, and then the chamber's full of snakes, and you drown in snakes. You drown in snakes. Not again. Uh, no, there's no snakes, just a little bit of smoke, and then, uh, the smoke clears, and you hear like a bing bong noise. Maybe I'll put that in in post, maybe I won't. Um, and-

wait, wait, wait, you said smoke and bong, Cheech and Chong are in there. Yeah, hell yeah. I thought you're doing... And they're covered in snakes. and cheaches the snake It's so strong They're both snakes It's all snakes It's all the way down

Soup to nuts Snakes snake snakes Man I hope when J.J. Abrams Remakes this podcast He takes all this stuff out What you decided to do, guys It's just lose a lot of the snake stuff We know the fans

Love it But we worried that it wouldn't be As approachable in the material Because it's real heavily laden with snakes I didn't really understand It becomes hard to follow Because our heroes Joe J.J. Abrams is a puppet?

Our heroes become snakes and they are all married to snakes and they use snakes as weapons. Hand me some of that mercorone and cheese in the blood that lets them do magic. They eat snakes for fuel and they become snake robots for a while. It's very confused. So we got rid of most of the snakes. There's still a lot of snakes.

This is just a regular amount of snakes for the adventures then, which for any other thing is still an enormous about of snakes. And lens flare. That's the two big things. So, on the other end of this airlock is more snakes. On the other end of this airlock,

it actually, I know I said there was a hatch, a hatch on the other side. There's actually two hatches. It branches off. It's forming sort of a wide junction. And hanging in between those, those two hatches is a,

a sign and it is noting which is in either direction. And you hear Lucas say, now you should be at a branch in the path. And I'll be able to buy us a little bit more time. We're at about, oh, we're running real low, guys. We're at about 10 minutes before this thing hits the water. So whichever when you go in, I'll be able to disable the airlock on the other side and buy us a bit more time by giving me more energy to channel into the core. So pick a side and I'll just, after you go through, I'll shut down the other one. What are the two sides? Well, to the left, you see a sign over the hatch that says research material storage chamber. And then on the right, you see a sign that says, the magical world of

elevators. Really? Yeah. That's what it says. Griffin's really sticking it to the people who say he's not allowed to have elevators in this game. Again, it's the research material storage chamber or the magical world of elevators. This one's easy. It's elevators.

Let's go. Here we go. Okay. You walk forward and open up this next hatch and it spins open to a beautiful. ornate room, a fairly large chamber that almost sort of resembles like a museum with these different exhibits lining both sides of this long chamber. And inside of each exhibit in little brass and wood display cases, you see different elevators. and you hear Lucas chime in and say like, oh, you made it to the magical world of elevators, huh?

Yes. Well, this lab has been in my family for a few generations. I inherited it from my mom, but there was a codicel in the will that required that I keep this museum honoring my grandpa's greatest technological accomplishment intact. He invented the elevator. And honestly, like most of the technological advancements in our world, that was all, that was all, Grandpa Roman. So, yeah, I couldn't change it, but go ahead and have a look around. I think you might learn a little bit of something about elevators. Don't we have like shit to do? Is it hard feeling like you're always in his shadow? Oh, good question. Do you feel like you're in

Roman's shadow? I mean a little bit sometimes. Like, I'm trying to make my own mark on the world. And frankly, I feel like a lot of, a lot of his inventions were kind of primitive. And people just aren't as about inventions. Like when the first elevator came around, forget about it. But you're trying to invent a new, better elevator, and people don't want to hear any of it. Well, it's an up and down business. People say that about Thomas Edison a lot. Like, you invented the light bulb, but right, but like they didn't have them back then, right? So if I had been around back then, that would have been easy for me because they didn't have light bulbs. They didn't have anything. So, like, inventing stuff was way easier. These days, I'd have to invent like a double light bulb

or something to even get that kind of impact. Hold on for a second. I gotta write that down. Double light bulb. You can have that one. That's fine. No, don't give it to him. No, money has no object to me.

That's patently untrue. That's not in character. I'm just telling you. I'm calling a horseshit on that on behalf of our listening audience. No, no, no, no, no. It's just a facade. The fact that money is patently important to Taco is patently untrue. That Paco would say that is not.

Okay, fair. And I think we've learned a little bit about Lucas today. Yeah, it feels really grown. Let's go home and think about what we've learned. I got to say the timing on this episode's a little bit off, because I think we're at the end of it now. And, man, it would have been cool if it had ended with Delo Reese stabbing a crystal monster to death, and not the three of you entering a museum and then, like, having to talk with some guy about his grandpa.

Well, why don't you recut that in here? Delores shows up and stabs through an elevator. And she says, well, I got a taste for it now. Just love killing. It hates elevators. I'm Delores, and I love killing. Looks like this elevator just got touched by an angel, right guys? More like a delavator.

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