The Adventure Zone - Ep. 31. The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Three

Episode Date: January 14, 2016

Having survived an encounter with their deadliest foe yet, our heroes take a moment to reflect on some of Faerun's most prodigious scientific achievements. Later, the trio is forced into a deadly test of intellect, and you can probably guess how well that goes. Merle does some pest control. Magnus makes a token of friendship. Taako enjoys some "Taako time." Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, Lucas, he's gone too far. He's found a grand relic and has apparently been experimenting with it behind our backs. All of these crystal shards are flying together and sort of self-forming to create crystal golem. I am casting Guardian of Faith. And I say it looks like Della Reese. Fuck, yes. Yeah, Dela Reese just stabs this right through the old chest. As you move into the airlock, it is not crystallized.

hatch closes behind you and you hear a hissing sound. There's some, uh, some, some, some smoke in the room. And then the chambers full of snakes. And you drown in snakes. You drown in snakes. You see a sign that says the magical world of elevators. Really? Yeah.

Griffin's really sticking it to the people who say he's not allowed to have elevators in this game. Hell yes, he is. Elevators are sweet. Anybody who says differently can take a hike. To the adventure zone. So the three of you are after surviving a pretty thrilling, deliris-based climax. And, yeah, that was a pretty troubling, troublesome sentence that I just said. You find yourself in the magical world of elevator, something of a museum dedicated to the elevator-based achievements of the Miller family.

Got it. Grinvon, before we go on, I want to do something that I should have thought of last episode. Okay. While covering the pendant that lets me talk to what's his face, what's the Hoosie? Lucas. Yeah, I want to contact Angus. Okay. And see what he knows about the Philosopher's Stone.

Okay. All right. Yeah, just put in his codec number. Bring him up. Hello? What did you guys need? Hey, Ango. Hey, is that, is that happening?

Yeah, the Genghis. What do you know about the Philosopher's Stone? We just ran into like a crystal gallum thing that like sang to us and it was like... Yeah, that should, that definitely shouldn't happen. The Philosopher's Stone is just a very powerful, um, sort of cipher for transmutation magic and it allows you to change really any material into any other material, but it shouldn't be able to animate, uh, material. Um, because that, I mean, that's, That's just beyond its capability. Do you know anything about like a crystalline demon? It was like a glowing ball of light.

It sang. It was really creepy. Sounded like a vocoder. How did it find you? How did it tell me everything? Well, we were walking across a crystal. Oh, let me do my magnifying. Just listen to the last episode.

Yeah. Tune to like spin the propellers. We just told them everything. Someone's been like setting aside their lunch hour to listen this and they're like, are these motherfuckers? Really. Seriously, I have one hour here. Okay? Yeah, let's do, we'll do a star fade, star wipe. I just told Angus everything. I thought, I didn't realize the voice was coming from the monster we fought. It was from like a glowing ball that then like... Since he didn't correct him, I get that makes sense to me. It sounded really cool, by the way, Griffin. I kind of, thank you. Yeah, that was good editing. Um, uh, yeah, I mean, it sounds like it was, it was somehow inspirited by a, by a, like a ghost or something like that, but,

You said it came through some sort of like rift in space time? Yes. Yep. That's not, ghosts can't really do that. So I'm not 100% sure what we're up against here. But I'll start cracking the books and see what I can find out for you. All right. Do that.

Thanks, hang out. Let us know if you come up with anything. Yeah, no problem. I love you. Love you too. Shut up. No, please. I'm a big fan.

It's like a friendship. Yeah, I tell my friends I love them. Come on, Das, 2016. I love all my friends. I love our listeners. If you're listening this, I love you. If you're not listening to this, go fuck yourself. We love you.

Sorry, we almost made you listen to Travis Recap. What happened last episode? So you're in the magical world of elevators. And there are, the room has these two rows that you can tell just like looking at the elevators featured in each exhibit. It's sort of like a chronological detail of how this particular invention that the Miller family brought to this world. sort of evolves. And there's a little plaque and a little description next to each one. The first one is kind of just like a crude bucket with a thick rope that has a year.

It says 1469 DR. Roman Miller, which is you into it to be Lucas Miller's grandpa that you talked about last week. Yeah, because we're an intuitive bunch. Yeah, clearly. This does not look like the safest elevator in the world. basically does just look like a bucket. It looks

hundreds of years old. Some cockroaches actually scurry away from that particular exhibit as you come close to it and go near your feet. We stamp on them. We stomp on them, okay? Okay, make a reflex check to see if you can... There's three cockroaches.

Okay. Roll to stomp. One for each of us, baby. Okay. Come to daddy. I hate cockroaches. I roll... Let's see.

What is reflex? Is that plus dex? Yeah, we'll say dexterity. 14 plus 2, 16. Okay. Three. 13. Okay.

Yeah, Taco and Magnus, you guys squish yours. Good. Hey. Your scurries away. Merle, why do you love Coco so much? Yeah. Shut up. I thought you hated him so bad.

Shut up, you guys. I'm saving my good roles. So there's a few more of Roman's designs. There's a one that looks like a bucket, but the pulley is, looks like. Like it's gas powered, which which looks pretty deadly. There's one that has a face on it, and the plaque says that it's called Upsie, your lifting friend. And it's like almost a cartoonish elevator that was obviously made to like franchise.

Like obviously when elevators came to this world, it was like a hot thing. Because you can imagine like when elevators came to Earth is probably pretty sick, right? Like what? No more stairs? That's tight. Where can I get one? Yeah. So they tried to obviously do a theme park out.

that elevators were vetted, people just went around the stairs in their neighborhoods with boping hammers, just destroying. Never again. Won't need these. I step into that closet and I'm on a different floor. I'll never use these stupid stairs again. And then on the other side of the room, there's a row of elevators that were actually designed by Lucas's mother, whose name's Maureen. And they're way better. Yeah, they're so much better.

They're more conservative. I mean, they were developed, you know, a generation after Romans. lifting machines is what he called them. So they look more like the more traditional elevators, a little bit less stylish, more functional. Somewhere down the line of hers is Upsi, the rad lifting dude, which is like a cool reboot of Upsi, your lifting friend. He has sunglasses on.

Are we tips? That elevator was a commercial failure, just on every sense of the word. Intuit from the names Upsi and the Numerculases. of like lifting machines. They're like these, maybe they mastered like getting people up first and just didn't have a plan for like getting you back down. It's funny you mention that.

Actually, right next to Upsie the rad lifting dude was his arch nemesis in the cartoon, and his name was Downzo. Downzo the pit. Downso. Downso, watch out. Downsow the 40-story shaft. And then at the end of the line is just an elevator. But on the far side of this room,

kind of in front of the next airlock leading out of this chamber, you see something that looks unlike all of the other elevators in the room. It is... It looks like... It's stairs. Isn't that crazy? No, it's a... It looks very, very, very futuristic, like way too futuristic.

It has like almost tron neon outlines. It does... I mean, it looks like an elevator. but it is it's the most futuristic looking elevator you've ever seen and it is it's sitting on top of a cylindrical glass

display case and when you look into that glass display case it almost looks like there's a miniature model of the town of Neverwinter inside of it and atop it is this hyper neo-futuristic elevator that is

labeled as the elevator of tomorrow to scale Is it to scale with the rest of the town? No, it's gigantic. It's like your size, and it's on top of the glass display case. And Lucas chimes in through the pendant and says, oh, okay, so I left that running in demo mode. That's the elevator of tomorrow, and it's consuming, like, a lot of power.

So if you can cycle through the demo, I'll be able to shut it down remotely, and that should actually free up a lot of energy for me to channel back into the lab's core. and keep us floating above the sea for a little bit longer. What does the demo do? What is it? It's a... I don't want to spoil a surprise. Well, here's my surprise.

I'm not doing it. Listen, I'm done... Taco, that's me. Hi. I'm done with elevators. Never again. Well, last time I was in an elevator,

Vines tried to eat my dick. I'm never getting in an elevator again. Suck it. Let's not... Listen, don't say something you're going to regret, okay? Listen, here's the thing. A billion, but a trillion, my dude. The demo takes three minutes.

You just go in there and you do the demo, and then... You'll have to knock me out like B.A. Barakas getting on a plane. No way. Here, have a drink of this water. Absolutely not. No, elevators for Taco. Some of you guys need to get into the elevator and run through the demo, or else it's not going to cycle it.

I won't be able to shut it out. Go for it, thugs. Taco's here. I'll take care of it. Carre Farba, baby. How many will it take? I mean, at least one needs to go in. And how do you know what we're doing?

Are you watching us? No, I just heard this. I asked you in the last episode where you were and you told me. Mm-hmm. I picked Taco up and I walk into the elevator. Why can't, why? I don't even think I needed to do this. This is not important.

Come on, buddy. Don't do it. I swear to God. He pities a fool who carries him into an elevator. You will not like how this ends. I will burn a spell slut on you. I give no shit. Do not put me in an elevator.

I'm done with him. Who's going into the elevator then? How many does it need? How many does it take? At least one. One to three. Would two give us better odds? I'm not good...

It's an elevator. Uh-huh. All right, I'm getting in it. I'll get in it too. Okay. Magnus and Mel gets in talking to these days is. I open my pocket spa and fucking chill. You sold it.

All right. You crack open the pocket spa. That's right. No, no, no. You held on to it. You sold the fan. That's right. Okay, yeah, I get the pocket spot.

All right, you pop open the pockets spot. spot, you get a little pop tent out that folds up neatly, neatly into your pocket, and it's bigger on the inside than it's the outside. You hop inside and you get in a hot spring. And there's little pucks of scent that you can choose. Popping that hot spring. Give yourself a scented bath. And also, there is a sandwich waiting for you on the lip of the hot spring. Nobody ever mentioned sandwiches. What kind of sandwich? Tuna fish, but it's a good tuna fish. Any toppings? things? I'm trying to think. I can't think of what would be in the tuna fish sandwich that would also go into the the Tex-Mex food stuff you're trying to get me to do you think about. No, there's, um, there's some, actually

there's some, yeah, yeah, there's some, uh, diced tomato on top of it. Um, no, that's, uh, delicious. Okay, great. Yeah. Stupid. That was my plan. Tomato. That was a small, I think that's a pretty small piece of the puzzle. So I don't mind giving you that one on your continuing Taco Quest. I just want to keep it alive. Okay, Merlin, Magnus, you hop into the elevator of tomorrow, and there's just a single button there, and it has a timer over it that is stuck at three minutes. I push it. Okay. As you push it, the doors of this futuristic elevator shut in front of you, and talk, are you watching them?

Are you like, lamping? You're watching them through the open door? Yeah. You're watching them through the open door? Okay. You see a pretty incredible sight as the elevator of tomorrow doesn't go down. I mean, it does, but it doesn't go down in space. It actually goes down in scale.

The elevator of tomorrow shrinks way, way, way down. And Merle and Magnus, you don't really feel anything too different. But, Taka, you watch as they're now completely shrunk down elevator. Okay. Very slowly descends into the glass display case. Cut to inside the elevator. Taco jumps outside. Do do do do do do do do.

Taka jumps out of the pocket tent and says, do you see. Do you see? He's like running around with his hands in the air like Jordan after he won one as many basketball championships. Don't look so stupid now, do I, you tiny bitches. Back inside the elevator. Do do do do do. The elevator. I could eat you.

Comes to a stop. And the doors open. And all of a sudden, this glass display version of the city of Neverwinter, it now looks pretty big to you. Like, you're not actually, it's not actual size. You guys are actually, like, almost the size of the, some of the taller buildings in town, kind of a Godzilla thing going on. But, yeah, it is a weird version of Neverwinter because it doesn't look like the Neverwinter that you three have almost certainly visited at some point in your life, there are some things

about it that are a bit off. The buildings are much taller, for one thing. They reach into the sky. There's a, there's streetlights. There's like, not like the, the, the gas torches that you might see in some of the more civilized towns in your world. They're like actual electric street lights and there are metal battle wagons, lots and lots and lots of them. There's a mobile in the sky that is carrying these different airships of different shapes and sizes and models that are that are circling this model version of Neverwinter. And it looks like an impossibly futuristic version of Neverwinter that you are now inside. And as the doors open up, that three minute timer begins to countdown. Lucas, can you still hear us? It's pretty cool, right? Yeah, so what's the deal? Like,

can you tell us about it now? Yeah, this is, this is my vision for Neverwinter, and ideally any town. So not really an elevator, though, right? Like, we didn't really go up and, like, it's not like, this didn't get us to a different floor, so it's a pretty shitty elevator, really. Well, it's all semantics, don't you think? But it was more of like the shrink machine into a version of Neverwinter of tomorrow. You did go down, technically speaking. I mean, yeah, but it didn't really elevate us. Okay. But imagine what if we could build like a tower that got smaller as it goes up,

but you could shrink in size and adjust your own size as you go up. Wouldn't that mean? Outside the glass, you guys can see Taco pertain to be Godzilla, like stomping around. Like, little claws. Yeah, Taka, as you look down as they step out of this elevator all tiny, like, you probably do feel a sense of grandiosity looming over them. More than usual, which is. considerable. And I bet he's huge to us.

Gigantic. Yeah, he's gigantic. Taco, and actually from your vantage point, you actually see something else on the outskirts of the town. The elevator is sort of positioned in the center, the Times Square of this display. And it's a little statue of George Am Cohen. Actually, you see a cockroach that is now scurrying over buildings and moving very, very quickly and then suddenly this cockroach is over the two of you on the side of a nearby building and you hear it hiss and rear up revealing two dripping green fangs and it hissed and it hissed at you is at you nastily, and then you hear like that sound effect that means you just ran into a

random encounter in a Final Fantasy game, and we're off to the races. I, uh, I, the moment that I see that happening, I turn on my heels and I sprint back to the pocket tent because I forgot my sandwich in there, and then I rush back so to where I could see really good. Man, it'd be super cool if we had like our wizard with us. Uh, roll for initiative. He's with you in spirit and enlarge. I rolled an 8 plus 2, a 10.

Oh, God, I rolled a 4, but I get another roll. A 5. You're really bad at D&D. I am. Yeah. First in the order is Magnus. This thing is... It's actually not too high up, because, again, you're about the size of the buildings.

As a free action, can I tell my shield about the roach that I squished earlier? You're going to have to make a buff check. Okay, what do I have to run? No, no, it wouldn't be a buff check. It is a actually, because you actually did kill a roach. it would be a charisma check DC-10. That would be, oh, that's, what if I roll a 10? Hey, if you're curious what my initiative would have been, it's a natural 20.

Right. It's a tie goes to the runner. Oh, wait, charisma? Don't you have charisma? Yeah, plus one. Yeah, plus one, 11. 11, yeah. Okay, yeah, the picture of a cockroach appears in your shield next to an armless robot.

And I think that's the only thing. Yeah, that's the only thing I've done effectively so far. Crystal Monster? tried crystal monster. I failed this one. They tried, but he fucked it up. Okay, I'm going to two-handed access that shit. Okay.

You're attacking the cockroach? Yeah, that's 18 plus 725. That is a hit. Cool. Looking good. Yes, it is. Taco cheering on the sidelines. You can get them.

Cool. Yeah, I'm going to just attack it. I'm not going to do any of my special stuff. Uh, 1d10 plus six. That is three plus six. That's a nine. Okay. And then I'm going to hit again with my second attack.

Go for it. That's a Nat 20. Holy shit. I forget what we do for that. Me too. Oh no. Critical hits. When you score a critical hit, you get to roll extra dice for the attacks damage.

Roll all the attacks damage die twice and add them together. Then add any relevant modifiers. Okay. So roll your damage dice and then roll it again and add the two results. That is a six plus five. 11 plus your modifier yeah plus six so that's 17 so all the other with my two attacks it was 26 you're good at hitting shit yeah it's the only thing I'm good at uh yeah you uh you take one of its antenna eye off just whom you can see it drop to the ground it's pretty gross um and can I just say

quick thinking on the stomps because this fight was going to be much harder uh yeah but it is a it is the cockroaches it is the cockroaches turn and he's going to scurry on top of the building that he's kind of on the side of, and then point down at the two of you, and a cone of green slime is going to spray out of its mouth and come towards the two of you. Point of order, you said quick thinking, let's call it what it was, which is a fucking lucky break. No, what I'm not. Let's call it a joke. It never crossed your mind.

Like, I'm going to get small and fight them. I saw that coming. Cockroach. You saw it coming? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I saw it coming. You guys are going to roll a dexterity saving throw?

Okay. Okay. Me too, or no? I rolled the 16. No, you're good. Because I'm so much bigger than it. Actually, go ahead and, did you roll, go ahead and roll initiative taco if you weren't. I did.

It was a natural 20. Well, I forgot to drop you in, but if you want to do something. I don't. Okay. I rolled, uh, my dex saving throw was 16 plus 218. Daddy? Yes. Oh, 12.

12. Okay, Magnus, you swiftly dodged to the side, stepping out of the way of this green slime, which coats your short companion. And, Merle... Do I get to do the thing with the shield that gives disadvantage? No, that's for melee hits. Okay.

This is a... Marlott is a bad feeling when this slime gets on you, a bad burning, bubbling, acidy feeling. Um, and you take... In my tummy? Uh, on your skin. Oh. Oofa doofa.

Uh, you take 19 points of acid damage. Ooh, mommy. How did that get through my suit? It, it just did. It permeated it. Uh, it soaked, soaked through it. How convenient! Your suit is wet with acid, and it sucks.

Okay. Um, but it didn't burn any holes in it or anything like that. It's a pretty great suit. Magical. One might even. say. Merle, it is your turn. Wait a minute. How many points of damage? 19. Okay. I'm going to cast banishment on the cockroach. Okay. You're just going to yell, get out of here, cockroach. I don't love you anymore.

No, my friend. Banishment is a spell where you send one creature that you see within range to another plane of existence. Target has to succeed on a charisma saving throw or be banished. For good? no way you have this spell this is some like... I'm showing it to Justin. Level four cleric spell banishment. He is sending that cockroach to a

and you're using it against a coggerge. Well, if you're looking for uncharismatic targets, well, that's a good call. And he did just hit you for 19 damage, so I don't know why I'm turning my nose up out of him. Yeah, he can suck old bub. Yeah.

The spell lasts for one minute. Just making sure you know that. Yeah, that's fine. I will roll it. Okay, so you're trying to banish him to another plane of pieces? I rolled a 13. Well, I have 12 in charisma plus 3, which is 15.

I don't think that's how it works. I think it's your spell casting modifier, which is still more than 13. So, okay, yep, this thing after coding you in acid just goes, and disappears, being spirited away to a harmless plane of existence. 30 experience. And now we just need to stand here for a minute while moral concentrates. Why you fucking dip? Yeah, we're going to get back in ye old elevator.

Okay. You pop back in the elevator, and the timer above that button says 130 on it, and it's counting down. Cool. We wait patiently. Okay. Hey, Lucas? Yeah. Was there anything else we needed to do in here besides get attacked by one of your janky-ass cockroaches because you don't clean your elevator room?

Yeah, that's how it works. It's my cockroach just because I happen to a period. It's your lab. Clean your shit. My shit is pretty clean, okay? I don't spend a lot of time polishing the elevators. My bad, I guess. Anyway, no, there's not much to do in there except to appreciate my bold vision of the future, but I guess Pearls before swine and all that.

No, it's super great. I love your shitty elevator and your weird glass town. Did you see the airships? Yeah, that was great. you're a real dork How much time left on the timer? It's at 45 seconds I thought it was a nice touch

No, it was great I love the way that they were there Yeah, they were there And actually there was a way If you climb up one of the buildings You could have ridden Spot! The cockroach appears

It appears on the top of the building That I was on And it is Whose turn? Magnus, it's your turn You are in the elevator And this cockroach just appeared back on top of the elevator it was on, or on top of the building it was on. I am going to brace at the door of the elevator with my shield between the cockroach and us.

As this is happening, you see Taco, it looks like he's trying really hard to open the glass. Okay. That's in case in the town. But is there another sandwich inside the glass? He's not, but it looks. He's making a very convincing show of it. Okay. Do you need to roll a bluff check there?

Yeah, I'm going to roll a bluff check on them. This is 18. All right. Well, we have... Taco's doing his best. We just have to make it to get back there. We have to protect Taco. Okay, we'll say you're preparing an action, I guess, Madness.

I'm going to push back if he tries the end in the elevator. Is it attached, by the way, just at a curiosity? What? The glass encasing the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It kind of like comes down in a funnel. the pathway that they came through, like a glass funnel that they traveled through in this elevator.

Really, it's a lot I could do. Really? I mean, without, like, raining shattered glass down upon them. Okay, next is the cockroach, who is going to scur your way, and I guess let's do a... Strength check. Yeah, or a grapple check, I guess, which is just a strength contest,

to see if you can buffet this thing away. That's a 22. Okay. This is just to see if he can get in the elevator with you. Correct. This is not his action. That's only a 14 for me. So, yeah, this thing tries to get past you. You kind of push him back with your shield.

And then he's going to take a, he's going to jump in and bite at your ankle with his pincers. Taco. Or Magnus. God, why am I, like, keep getting you confused? Like from outside the thing? Yeah. Okay. He's going to, like, kind of poke his head in through the elevator.

I got you. Uh, that is a 19. Cool, cool. I'm trying to remember what the thing is. Oh, yeah, so the shield of heroic memories, I get a plus one. Yeah, to your AC. Well, that's only 19. Yeah.

Uh, and that is nine points of damage, is this thing. Bites, bites around your ankle and latches on. Okay. Ow. Um, Merle, you're up. Okay. I'm going to cash prayer of healing. on me and Magnus.

There's about 12 seconds left on the elevator timer. What part of the cockroach is inside the elevator? Like half of it managed to get in. Magnus was like bracing the door with his body and so like only just enough of it to get in to get a good

mouth around Angus or around Magnus. Then I changed my mind. Okay. Yeah. Because I have the funny feeling that he's going to block the elevator doors and we're still not going to be able to get out of here. Okay.

So I'm going to hit him with spiritual weapon. All right. What is it going to look like this time? This is so exciting for me. It's going to look like a great big golf shoe. A gigantic spiked golf shoe. Like a cleat? Like a cleat?

Yeah, but with spikes, you know, like engulfing. Okay. I don't know, but fine. Well, you're not a golfer like me. Fair? A lie. A lie, but fair. Seven plus six, which is 13. I don't think about your spellcasting modifier.

What, six? Hold on, I'm looking. Yeah, it is. He's got the Extreme Team Bible that adds one. Yeah, the shoe comes down on this thing, but it just kind of like gives it a weird like Shiazu massage. Okay. And then disappears.

Fine. Magnus, it's up to, or Taco, it is you. unless you choose to keep sandwiching down. Wave the sandwich. Try to distract him. The sandwich is very good. It's the one thing that I can do. Yeah, but if you wave a giant sandwich, the giant cockroach is going to want it. I'm trying to find something that won't. It's something you can pretend to be doing to help us?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Wave the sandwich. I start to pray. That's fine. I'm going to cast a can trip called minor illusion

Is that illusion with a? This creates a sound or an image of an object within range that lasts for the duration This illusion also ends If you dismiss it as an action or cast a spell again So I'm going to Behind him I'm just going to cast like Like another one

Like a picture of another cockroach I don't know. And it's, but good it's wearing a dress. A really sexy lady cockroach. And it's wearing a dress. And that's heteronormative. I don't know what the, what the cockroach's thing is. Whatever the cockroach is attracted to. It's his greatest desire. Yeah, it's like, it sees in itself. No, it's just like a, you create a sexual, a sexual mirror of desire that projects. That's kind of sophisticated for you to make an illusion of.

It's a sophisticated illusion. How about this then? It's a sexual, a sexual mirror of desire. It's an illusion of a sandwich that, like, with a... He's wearing a dress. It's a very sexual sandwich. It's like a garbage sandwich that a cockroach should just go bananas for. Yeah. Okay. It's like dancing.

And it's like singing that, let's go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby. This is important, by the way. I am not risking my actual sandwich in any sort of distraction-based activities. I cannot risk it falling out of the ground of this filthy elevator museum. So I'm not, it is, I, I am holding on to that thing with a grip of life. Okay. In fact, if I need more than one hand to cast this, this particular can drip, I am out.

Okay. Yeah, you create a garbage sandwich, a dancing, singing garbage sandwich. And the cockroach still attached to Magnus's leg starts to scoop backwards, but like doesn't want to let go of Magnus's leg. So let's do another string check as this, as this cockroach tries to pull you backwards out of the elevator. 18 plus 725. Uh, that's only an 11. Okay.

Uh, he, uh, he, uh, he, uh, he can't pull you backwards out of the elevator to take you back to his desired sandwich prize. And you hear him sigh and he's, sounds kind of bummed out. Okay. So does that mean he let, does he let go of him? Uh, no, he's still holding on. The clock has, uh, about six seconds left on it. Okay. I'm going to, uh, free action, put my shield away.

Okay. I'm going to grab. Um, uh, let's see. Would it be better to pull off his legs or his mandibles? Oh my God, not again. I'm going to go for the mandibles. Yeah. I got my, I got my Fledger's mitt and my, um, my magic punching glove.

So I'm not worried about his poison or whatever. I'm going to grab them and pull them apart. All right. Yeah, go ahead and wishbone this guy. That is a 17 plus 724, folks. Slorp? These two curved, pronged, acidic mandibles.

Come right off your leg and right off the cockroach, who you hear hiss again. And he kind of rears back. And is, actually, the two of you guys make another dexterity saving throw, because there's going to be just a little bit of gunk coming out of this guy now. That is it 12 plus 2, 14.

Uh, 10 plus nothing, which is 10. Okay, yeah, you both, uh, both of you guys take four acid damage as this thing's, uh, produces a, uh, upsetting amount of goop, uh, as it rears backwards. But as it rears backwards, the, uh, the doors, uh, almost with perfect timing shut, uh, leaving, uh, leaving this now, sadly mandiboless, uh, cockroach, uh, back stuck in tiny town. and the elevator taco you see it come up to the surface of the glass display case and return to its regular size and the doors open and as it does the lights inside of tiny town and the lights those neon lights all over the elevator and even the lights in the museum shut off and the three of you actually feel like a jostle and your stomachs give out just a little bit as the lab very suddenly moves upward a little bit and you hear Lucas chime in and say wow great work guys uh we we just added a whole lot of time to the clock i was able to give us an extra like 24 minutes uh that was

that thing was using a lot of power i'm gonna watch an episode of parks and wreck yeah you got you got you got the time for it what did you think of my city it was super great i put the mandibles in my bag okay yeah wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute let's share the mandibles there's two of my fucking mandibles no they're not hey wait How do we split two mandibles three ways? You don't get any sandwich. I hug, I hug taco. Thanks for everything you tried to do.

I saw you working your face off out here. I really appreciate it. You did see the sandwich? Thanks for risking your sandwich. No, I never risked my sandwich. Don't you ever say that? I was just made a pretend sandwich for you. I give one of the mandibles to Merle.

Well, when we put the mandibles together, it says best friends. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin McElroy. You're a dungeon master, your best friend. your yoga instructor. I want you to take a deep breath. I want you to hold that breath in. I want you to twist your body up until you feel calm and enlightened and stuff. Thanks for listening to Episode 31 of The Adventure Zone, the third, I think, part of the Crystal Kingdom epic saga. Coming soon to a theater near you, if you listen to podcasts and theaters, don't do that. You pay for the movie, watch the movie.

I have a personal message. If you want to get a personal shout out to somebody on the show, it's real easy. just go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron and figure out how to do it there. I said figure out. We tell you how to do it. There's no puzzle. There are no clues you have to unravel. This message is for Wolfgang, and it's from Gimble, Jasbon, Dag, Koren, and Satoru, your loyal dog squad. And they all say to Wolfgang, Wolfgang, you've been a beacon of light in the terrible world you've designed for us. Thank you for DMing us through burning bushes, Stone Shaper jokes, and so many flipping dragon eggs. Here's to many more sessions, several spicy chicken sandwiches, and drawing pantless monks. I love this.

I want this show to be like, I want to basically become a singing telegram for Dungeons and Dragons players to appreciate their DMs. Because it's hard out there, and he deserves those spicy chicken sandwiches. Bring him a spicy chicken sandwich every game that you play until he's just so fucking sick of the things. Then when he sees the spicy chicken sandwich, he just pukes. One last personal message. This one is for Kinchi.

and it's from Jimmer. What's with the names this week, gang? What's with the names that everybody has? Jimmer says to Kinchi, happy 13th anniversary. Thanks for being the Killian to my Yohan. So we're just going to go ahead and make that canon. I don't know that I'm ready to do that yet. I certainly see a lot of sparks between the two of them and some sparks between the two of you. And really, that's all that really matters. Happy 13th anniversary. Thank you for shipping our characters. Thank you all for listening to The Adventure Zone. We really appreciate your support. If you want to help us out, you can subscribe to the show on iTunes or leave a review there. It helps get us a little bit of visibility on the iTunes charts. You can tweet about the show using the hashtag the Zonecast. I think maybe

in the next episode we're going to introduce some new characters and we might name one after you if you tweet about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. Go listen to the other shows on the Maximum Fun Network. We do other shows like My Brother, My Brother, Me, Sawbones, and Bunker Buddies. But there are lots of other great shows on there, too, like The Fop House, and Judge John Hodgman, and Jordan Jesse Goh and throwing shade. And so, so many more. Just go to Maximumfund.org and just click on literally any clickable thing on that page. And you'll find a great podcast to listen to. That's it for this commercial break.

Let's get back into the action, the elevator action. That is, that's nothing. The next episode will be up on January 28th. So we will talk to you then. Bye. So the only other thing really of note in this room is the exit into the next arcane airlock. And really it's providing the only source of illumination in this room, not all the power has gone out in the magical world of elevators. Great. Let's do that.

Okay. Yeah, it pops open and you hop inside. It's very similar to the last arcane airlock you ran. It is a brightly illuminated white chamber full of white light. and as you get in, there's another hissing sound as smoke comes down. And, oh, God, we can't do that every time. Guys, there's going to be a lot of elevators. There's going to be a lot of airlocks. We can't, we can't snake it up each time. Okay, but just know, folks at home, every time Gervyn says hiss, just in your head, think snakes.

And, yeah, there's another Y branch, and there's another sign hanging in between these two rooms right in front of you. one of the signs is labeled radiation ventilation maintenance chamber and the other direction is labeled little genius buddy bot R&D I feel like this is a trick like if we want why would Griffin make you a Y chamber when he so clearly wants us to go to the right if we go to the left maybe that takes us straight to Lucas I think he's been playing fallout

It does sound like that Can we take a rest? I'm down to 20 points, 20 hit points. I mean, you only got about 28 minutes. How long is the short rest? Like an hour. What? Yeah.

You don't you have healing spells? Yeah, can I cast one of my healing spells? Yeah, sure. I'll burn a prayer of healing. Actually, I can cast it. Are you full hit? I'm good. All right, I'll cast it on me and Magnus.

Okay. All right. Five plus six, which is 11. Great. Okay. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Two D8, right? Tight.

Seven. 18. So. 18 points of damage, or healing. What's the opposite of damage? Non-damaged. Undamaged? Now that you've been thoroughly undamaged, it's time to make your choice.

What was the one to the left? The radiation ventilation, maintenance chamber. And the other one was the little genius buddy bot, R&D. Okay. I feel like we're supposed to go to the buddy bought one because it's the one that sounds fun. Go whichever one your tummy tells you to go to. What do you think, Justin? Who's Justin? Taco. No, this is O-O-C. Fantasy Justin. Fantasy, oh, do you want to speak to Fantasy Justin? Let me get it for you. Hello? Which one do you think we should do? You're on the line with Fantasy Justin.

I understand you guys are playing some dungeons and dragons. I would love to hear your queries. I take a ball out. Just press three if you want to hear what my fantasies are. And press four for a dice roll. Catch a little bit of coffee right now. If I press the hang up button, does that end everything? Well, you're charged per minute.

I fantasy, Justin. A long-time listener, first-time caller. Wow, caller, so good to hear from you. So we got a question out there, and it's from a Maggie Nuss. A lot of people are saying, is magic real? The answer is yes. Of course it is. Magnus, go ahead.

You've got Fantasy Justin on the line. I hate both of you so much right now. Should we go to the left or the right? What did they think, Fantasy Justin? Coming up in the next hour, Peebo Bryson. Oh, yeah. Nothing says love in a fantasy time like Peebo. This is Yamo be there.

This is fantasy Justin filling in for Delilah who I killed and have taken over her life the talented Mr. Ripley style. If you're like me out there, you are just looking for that shoulder to cry on. If you're like me out there also, you're wearing Delilah's skin. Fantasy Justin. And remember to put in the promo code, Fantasy Justin. If you want 1,800 pro flowers to show the fantasy person in you. your life. Let's go to a little grody.

Yeah, let's go to the little buddy bot. Little genius buddy bot, R&D. Yeah. Okay. You place your hand on the door to the right. It opens, and it reveals a much smaller room than the one you were just in. It is a circular room with a vaulted ceiling, and about 15 feet high. And it's pretty dark in here, actually.

There's only a single light straight overhead that is shining down on a pedestal in the center of the room. And on that pedestal, you see almost kind of like built into the pedestal. You see a adorable little robot. This little robot is, he's got like an LED display face that right now, is just showing two closed eyes and one thin closed mouth. It seems to be in idle mode. And it's pretty cute looking, except for one sort of problem, and that is this robot.

And in fact, pretty much the entire room is pretty badly scorched. He's been blackened a little bit. But as you enter into the room and the airlock seals behind you, his eyes open up. And he plays a little power-up tune. As he turns on and he says, Hello there. My name is Hodgeodge. Are you kids ready to learn?

Yes. Yeah, we can learn. Sure. Please see. Your names. Um, Magnus. Magnus. Is that what Madem.

Magnus sounds like. Gosh, I was really shocked. Magnus has had a bit of a sore throat lately. Merle. Murl. Toku. Takeo. Welcome. Thank you for brain.

Are you excited to learn? Yeah. Yeah. Always. Please select a difficulty setting. Child. Adult. Or master.

Child. Child. Accepted. I call it. Child mode activated. Before. anybody else does anything, I call Angus. Okay.

Hey, this is Angus. What's up? Are you down here? Hey, listen, are you down here? Because I can swear I'm talking to you right now. Are you down here? No, I'm back in the, I'm in the director's office. We're working to figure out what that thing was, that crystal Olin that attack.

A likely story. Do you have a brother? I swear to God, there's a little robot down here. Did you sell your voice for like a robot company? Did you sell your voice to a robot company? I'm not a, do you think I'm a robot? A friendly robot? No, I'm a flesh boy.

Oh my God, that's just gets worse. The worst way you could say first. A flesh boy? If you guys, I need to get back to work. Do you need something? Is it pressing? Oh, I'm sorry. Are we inconveniencing you when we're about to get blown up and burn up?

You know, if we don't want to talk to you, you disappear from existence, right? Ask anybody. That's how it works. Lucas shimes in through the pendant and he says, Oh, well, that's that's that's that's that's that's hodgepodge the buddy bot. He's he's there. He's one of my inventions I'm most proud of stuff because he he's going to teach the youth of tomorrow to be, you know, sharp like me. We can't have a better tomorrow if the if the children of tomorrow aren't educated to be, you know, whip smart adults.

So I made hodgepodge to sort of pass some of my, my intellect on to the future generations. He's a real sweetheart. Cool. What's he do? He just, you know, quizzes you on stuff and you learn and you become smarter by being quizzed on stuff. Oh, okay. Yeah, it sounds straightforward. What about the fire? What about the what? Fire? Oh, oh, yeah, that's right. The room was in R&D mode. We had it, we were doing some stress testing on him just to make sure, you know, before we release him as a commercial product, he can stand up to, you know, enormous amounts of pressure or, you know.

For when kids set him on fire. Well, yeah, if a kid put him in an oven, we didn't want him to, like, break immediately. He's going to be a pretty expensive toy, so, you know, the room has some stress testing capabilities, but just, like, don't go around poking into the, poking on the walls, and it'll be fine. If you can actually run through his program, you'll be able to shut him down, and I'll be able to remotely turn that room off. So, get to work. All right, yeah, child mode, Robbie. Child mode activated.

Thank you for fun. All right, little wonder. Let's do this. Please select a category, kids. The categories are math, science, magic, spelling, problem solving, history. So not, no movies. Nothing about food. Math, science, magic, spelling, problem solving, and history.

I'll take magic. We'll start with magic, child mode. Name a spell. Zone of truth. That's right. That's a spell. Discrepancy detected. Error detected. Please wait. Biometric scan shows the three of you are not children.

Well... Difficulty setting changed to master. Well, hold on. Please select a category. If we're talking about emotional growth... Yeah. I'm really good at spelling. I whisper to them.

Spelling or problem solving. Spelling selected. What? What? No, wait, wait. Please spell the name of the magical creature, Erika. Please spell Eric Kolkra No

Cokra Um Eric E-R-I-C Damn it Incorrect Eric Coulcra I went to middle school with him Incorrect

No I did Please wait It starts to make a pretty horrific buzzing sound Here comes the fire And you hear some almost like old dial-up beeps and boops coming out of them. And then you hear a pretty much deeper and less friendly voice come out of him.

And he says, accessing R&D facilities, accessing flame jets. I reach down and turn my belt to fire. Okay, yeah, you very quickly turn your elemental belt to fire. and you feel a wave of warmth washover of you. And then all three of you feel a wave of warmth wash over you as small holes open up in the room all around you and jets of flame blasts out of each one

for about one second. You are wreathed in flame. So all of you make a dexterity saving throw, please. That's not good. Seven plus four, no, two, nine. 17 5 Wow

Are you using the right die Are you rolling a D6? Yeah, these have been some real stinkers Merle Uh, one more time What were those numbers? 25. No

17 for Taco Okay, Taco You, you, You duck down real quick You hide behind the pedestal And get out of the way These jets Mine for my next second

I lift up my sandwich To get a nice little toast going Oh nice How long are you just nursing this sandwich? is the first sandwich I've ever encountered it the entire world ever And he's boat guarding it Fair

The late Merle High Church rolled a five In his final act Of defiance Okay Morel you take 10 points of damage magnus You take five Because your elemental belt It gives you resistance

Cool Okay so listen Don't give up I know the three of you can do better than that Don't give up Okay next time We don't just have to fucking spell Okay we have like skills and stuff

We can roll a dice. Select a category. Problem solving. But first, let me cast shield of faith. What's that to? Shield of faith. Shimmery field appears and surrounds a... Oh, a creature of your choice.

No, that's all right. I don't want to just cast it on me if I can't protect everybody. Oh. Cast it on him. I don't know why, but... Go ahead. I'm sorry. Problem solving.

Yeah. Let's try problem solving. Because we're really good at that. Problem solving. Master level selected. Three houses occupy a lonely village in the wilderness. One house is red, one is yellow, and the other blue. The houses are occupied by three beings, a dwarf, an orc, and a human.

One of those three owns the sharpest axe in the land. Another, the most balanced sword in the land. And another, the heaviest hammer in the land. Using the following clues, please tell me, the color of each house from left to right, the occupants of each house, and the weapons of each person. Your clues are, the dwarf and orc hate each other and refused to be neighbors. The human lives in a blue house. The orc does not use swords.

the yellow house contains the hammer. The human lifts to the left of the dwarf. The red house is from the far left. One more time. Eat me. Please repeat the question. Please get me your answer. Repeat the question, please.

Just once. Waiting, your answer. Repeated questions are prohibited on master level. The... Can you use it in a sentence? The order of the houses from left or right is red, yellow, blue. occupied by the orc, the dwarf, the human.

Human has the hammer, the orc has the axe, and the dwarf has the other one. Almost completely wrong. Of the matrix of answers you provided, you had nine options to be correct, and you got very few of them correct. Awesome.

I expected more from the three of you playing on master level. Why did you not choose a lower difficulty setting? To be fair, we did. I will offer you a second chance. The dwarf has to live in the first house. The dwarf has to live in the first house. Human in the second house. And the ork in the third house has to be.

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's my part. Contribute. The humans in the blue house. So the human can't be on the far left. Now, the human has to be in the middle. That's the only choice.

Human has to be in the middle. Okay. Okay. Okay. Perfectly balanced sword. Okay. Got it. Got it, got it, got it.

Okay, I know this. The order of the houses is yellow, blue, red. Wait, from left to right? Yeah. He said the last clues that the red house is on the far left. Oh, sorry, that's what I mean. Red, blue, yellow. Right, right. The human is in the... The The word of the humans is orc human dwarf. Ork human dwarf. Right. And the weapons, I have no idea. Well, the human has to have the sword. And the hammer's in the yellow house, right? Yes. Yes, so it would be axe, sword, hammer. Your answer, please.

Okay. The order of the houses is red, blue, yellow. The order of the occupants is Orcumann Dwarf. The order of the weapons is axe, sword, hammer. Congratulations, the three of you might just become geniuses after all. Like me, your buddy, hodgeby. Thanks, hodgepodge. You're a real dick.

We completely broke character there. Please select a category. How many of these damn things we got to answer? Until your geniuses. Please select a category. I attack him with my hammer or my axe. Okay. That's an 18 plus 725.

Okay. Roll damage. Oh, yeah, yeah. D-10. That's a 10 plus 6, 16. You actually only do 8 damage to him. And he says, Oh, be careful.

You're playing. Oh, you're rough. And then the holes in the wall light up again. Another spout of flame shoots out at all three of you. Dexterity saving throws, please. 16 plus 2.18. Okay. Lucky number 13.

A 2. Uh, taco and... Wait. Dexterity. I got a dexterity modifier. That's a six. Oh, well, that doesn't do it. Uh, Turoko and Merle.

Uh, the two of you take, uh, that's eight damage each. As you are wreathed in flames. Play easy. You don't want to break me, do you? No. Oh, wait. I have a great idea. No, you don't.

You just have a horrible idea. I do. Hear me out. Hear me out. I pick up my stone of far speech. Angus. Yeah. What?

What's up? I want you to just stay on the channel and listen. Yeah, okay, that's great. What are you doing? There's like a robot who's like asking us questions, and I want you to answer about it. Oh, like a puzzle game. That's my favorite. Yeah, I thought that might be the case.

All right, we just set, can we just set the stone in front of the robot and can we leave? Yeah, we're good now, right? Griffin, you can talk to yourself. The robot says, please select a category. Spelling. Spelling. I'll look if you want, another chance. Spell Ere Caracocra.

And Angus chimes in and says, oh, guys, this one's easy. It's A-A-A-R-A-K-O-C-R-A. Tell them, A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-O-C-R-A. Please wait. Error detected. Tits. External communication, detected. The three of you aren't cheating, are you?

No. A little. No. The room starts to glow blue a little bit, and then you hear Angus go, hey, guys, there's something going, guys, is I can't, I can't, wrong with, oh, and then the line goes dead. Okay. Now it's just the four of us. It's time to hop some real fun. Maximumfun.org.

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