The Adventure Zone - Ep. 32. The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Four

Episode Date: January 28, 2016

We may have finally found a challenge that our heroes cannot overcome: Math-based trivia. Can our heroes stump their animatronic captor before turning extra crispy? Can they stave off a crystalline death for one more episode? Merle seeks divine intervention. Magnus makes an otherworldly find. Taako's good out here. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, we're sending you in to detain and extract Lucas for his abuse of confidential information. Standard protocol applies. The regulator's boat, the storm is like picking them up and you watch them sort of disappear out of sight. A rift appears in the air directly in front of you. A small light pops out. All of these crystal shards are flying together and sort of self-forming to create a crystal golem. That's Hodgepodge, the buddy bot. He's going to teach the youth of tomorrow to be you know, sharp like me. Existing, flame jets.

The late Merle High Church rolled a five. It is final act. Of defiance. External communication, detected. The three of you aren't cheating, are you? No. A little. No! I hope our heroes know their long division.

Or else they're going to get long divided. The robot's going to cut them in half, I mean. It's the adventure. Let's resolve this killer robot thing. Or maybe the three of you will all die. I don't know. If this is the last episode, let's really make a count. Yeah.

Please select the category. Can you remind us of the categories? Of course. I love to help. This is after he, like, shut down all the communications out of the room and got real mad. Yeah, your stones of far speech and the pendant that the director gave you, are just not functioning anymore. Yeah, you have no more contact with anybody from the outside world.

And yeah, the room has this blue staticy glow all around it that you assume this is what is blocking all of this. And Hodgepodge says, Math, science, magic, spelling, problem solving, history. Can I make a, Griffin, can I make an investigation check on Hodgepodge to see if I could see any visible sort of like switches or anything that might give me a hint as to how to stop him.

Yeah, sure. I got it, 18 plus 422. Yeah, right on his tummy is a switch. Can I just say, I just want to jump out, Justin. How did it, like we did this for like 40 minutes last episode and none of us thought, look for a switch. You're a genius. Yeah, he's got a switch and it's right on his tummy.

and it looks just like a light switch. Okay. I flip it. Okay. Yeah, you reach over to flip this light switch off. And just as you're about to make contact with it, it sort of zips inside his body and a metal panel closes over where the switch lies. Oh, that happens to me when I get scared, too. Or when you've been swimming.

But I did it dexterously so he didn't notice. Okay. He did notice. Oh. Okay. Let me check the board. book. I could have sworn, does it say in your book that he noticed? Because I could have sworn he didn't notice. Yeah, I'm looking in the book that I have written for the Crystal Kingdom, the novelization

of it, and it says he noticed, which is the weird thing. That's weird. Okay, well, agree. It's in the book. It's in the novelization, so I don't know what to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything. It's in the book. Yeah. It's out of your hands. The book available now from Pinkwood publishers. Let me thank you for trying. We're taking the time to try, because it's like, it's out of your hands. It's a thank you for. We're trying. You're getting close to the bonus round. Hodgepodge says, touch my bonus round.

Little lower, please. Please select a category and stop being gross. History. Oh, that's good. No, we don't know shit about history. What are you talking about? We can't remember what we're doing right now. Math history.

Who was the inventor of Math? Pythagrius. No, okay, we're not just going to shout here. I have a history skill. that I'm going to roll against to see if I know this. So are you doing history or math? I'm doing history of math. Of math.

We don't have a math skill check. Okay, is there a math check? What are you talking about? Yeah, it's just your fucking brain. You use your brain to add numbers together. Okay, 16. What are you even doing? Okay, listen.

Is that your solution to the problem? You have to bear with me, okay? I would not know the, I, Justin McRoe, would not know the history of this world. Therefore, I would not have an answer to this question. My character, Taco, has innate skills in investigation and nature, history, religion, arcana, and religion. So I am basing the, whether or not I have this answer, not based on whether I, Justin McRoy, know the inventor of math. I, of course, do, it's irrelevant. Because I...

His name was irrelevant? Was he a rapper? Okay. I am seeing if Taco knows this. And I have a 16 out of 20 shot at 16 out of 20 shot Of knowing the The history of the inventor

Of math in this fantasy world Is what you're rolling to check The history of this fantasy world A 16 A 16 I love you, you're my brother But if my skill called history Does not literally help me

With history Trivia questions in a category Called history? What are we even fucking doing here? This is Calvin Ball Yeah, you know the answer to this one. You have this, you got this fucking question dead rights. And I open my mouth and what do I say?

You say Doug Math. Doug E-Math. Use your voice. Doug Maff. That's right. How did you? Oh! It's time for the bonus round.

Are you excited? We're pretty bonused. Yes. The bonus round is called stump hodgepodge. Can the three of you come up with a question that can stump your buddy-bod hodgepodge? I will warn you, I possess an almanac of complete world knowledge. Oh, I get it. Okay, I've got a question for you.

Go ahead. Wait, can we, can we, like, consult? No, I'm into some Captain Kirk shit here. Oh, okay, good. I got this kind of. Oh, I didn't realize. Sorry. Kirk away.

And let just, hey, Griffin, on my fantasy tombstone, can it say, I trusted my dad? Yeah, when you guys die, when your characters die, I'll let you do a full-blown, like, uh, uh, Oregon Trail sort of, uh, tombstone customization. Got it. Okay, I trust you, dad. Okay. And then your next, your next characters will find it when they get on the Crystal Kingdom ship. I am going to take a step behind Merle. Okay. And I think a step behind that. You got this. All right. Hodgepodge. Yes? What is love? Love is a feeling of strong or constant affection from one person to another.

You're a fucking idiot. The correct question would have been, what does love feel like? You stupid and stupid bastard. You're wrong, hodgepodge. It's a score of zero in tennis. No, you are the wrong one. I am right. That is what love is.

Now, we each get a shot, right? I think that would only be fair, Magnus. That was my question. No. I'm wasted opportunity. Oh, damn it. Take a final chance. Okay, I have, what, okay, dad's going,

dad's angling for another try. No, God's tell you. No, don't you dare. I have my question. Okay. All right. Why did the chicken? Oh, God.

Cross the road. This is, this sounds like a hypothetical question, or perhaps even a joke. Why did the chicken? Cross the road Wait, is Griffin stumped by this? Have you not heard this one? This is not so much a question

As much as it is, the setup for a riddle joke There is no definite answer to this question Sounds like he's stumped Oh, ooh, ooh, yeah It has to be trivia Yes, not bullshit Oh, sorry kids Ask him how we solve this puzzle

Ask him how to turn him off How do we solve this puzzle? By giving me a question that I cannot answer. That was your second question, Merle. Here is my question. No, I was asking Justin. He was, uh, who's Justin? Taco.

Taco. It's not pronounced like that. It's just how I, okay. I said it as Taco. How do I shut you off? I am powered by Lucas's laboratory and its core power unit. Only by shutting down the core power unit will I cease to function. This is not.

in a very exciting round of film Hot-Bush. Can I ask another question? Yes, Magnus, just because I am feeling a little bit bored. What is a fact you don't know? There isn't one. I possess an alman of complete world knowledge. All knowledge that exists in the world I possess. Who starred in the hit TV show, Melissa and Joey?

Accessing deep database reserves. Marisa John Hart and Joey Lawrence Damn it Okay Now's what What was the name of the guard On today's special

For the Canadian show You remember Today's special What was the name of the guard On that show The Security Guard In the Canadian Children's television show Today's special

Was Google Guggo Guggo Sam Crenshaw, this is terrible. This is just terrible. I couldn't remember. I've been trying that's bugging me.

You are a useful robot. There is nothing I don't know. I know all of the information that exists in the world. Okay, why did the guy leave Double Dare? Oh, my God. And do that food network show, that unwrapped show. Yeah, did they cancel it? Was it his choice?

Do they still make Double Dare? Is he still making double dare? According to his online diary, he did not prefer getting all slimy all the time. You know, we're passing up a rare opportunity to answer every question we have in the universe. I am getting close to bringing this round of stump hodgepodge to an end. I got another question for you, Hodgepodge. I'm just really enjoying our time together. Could Pan make a rock so big even he couldn't lift it?

This is a bad question. Okay. This seems like unfair. And a little judgmental. I'm so bored. Me too. What's the largest prime number? It's up there.

On the ceiling. All right. I'm bad now. This is stupid. This game is not especially fair now that I think about it. Because if you know a thing, it exists in the world. And I will, of course, also know it. What's my fish's full name?

Stephen K. Fletcher, Esquire. Damn, I think that's right. How many fingers do I have behind my back? This is not information that exists in the world. Yes, it does. I disagree. That's information that exists in the world. I'm going to say four.

Damn. Damn, he's right. Shit. Damn. God that little robot's good. He is good. I want to make you a full-time character, Hodgepodge. I think a lot of people would really enjoy that.

Well, come with us then. Come join us. Unfortunately, I can't. I am built into this pedestal. Here, let me pick you up, strength check. No. Yeah, his body is like part of this pedestal. He is like, there's got to be off there?

His torso is sticking out of it like Zoltan style. Cake or pie? Oh, God. The answer to that is, of course, pie. Hell yeah. Wrong. Yeah, pie for life. Uh, uh, uh, how would you feel about?

Can I just cast a spell on you? Like, I used to solve it this with magic. That would be, that would definitely be cheating. And cheating would have to be punished. Hodgepodge, I have a serious, important question. Go ahead. What was the source of the voice that we heard speaking through the Crystal Gullum? That voice was generated by some sort of computer program.

Cool. Next question. All right, I attack him. Okay. That's the 13. 7 at 20. Okay. Now remember last time he attacked him, he was resistant to just mainly damage.

No, no, no, I got it. I'm just sick of this whole question thing. Okay. And I'm trying to think like Magnus. You're like role-playing. Yeah. I'm chomping for some chopping. Let's do this.

All right. Roll damage. Okay. I can't remember what that is. Oh, yeah. Okay. Two-handed. One G-10 plus six.

That's nine plus six. 15. Yeah, that's a good hit. It's only seven damage, though. That you did to him. And he still looks pretty sturdy, and he goes, Oh, you're being very predictable.

And the flame jets kick on again. Everyone roll a dexterity saving through. Yeah, use your 20. I have lost mine. Dad, it's like the most important... It's the only one I've lost. 14 plus 2, 16. Okay.

Yeah, you duck out of the little. way of the flames. And this is what kind of check? Dexterity. 17. Yeah. You duck out of the way as well. 16.

And you duck out of the way as well. All three of you duck out of the way of these flames. And he goes, wow, nice one. That's that. Really sarcastic. It was a little bit. I'm getting pretty bored. I've been so bored for so long.

Is there nothing? I don't know. I'm going to cast a spell. It's called commune. I get to ask my deity a question, up to three questions that can be answered with a yes or no. Okay. And you, Griffin, no less than one. Griffin, you are the deity.

All right. The DM is the deity. And you have to answer three questions yes or no. Hello, it's me, Pan. What's up? Wow. This is a new number. Who dis?

It's Dave, man. Introduce yourself to your deity. I want to see this whole scene play out while I enjoy it. Play it like you would play it. Orange slices. Dear Pananly Father, it is I, your humble servant, Merle High Tower.

High Church? Yes. High Tower is from Pooke Town. High Tower is my middle name. High Church is my last name. Just to make sure your name is Merle High Tower High Church. Yeah. but I just go by Merle.

Anyway. And his middle name's spelled like, Hi, Tower. Sick. I prostate myself in front of you. No. What? How can I help you, my child?

Please stop talking. I prostrate myself in front of you begging your divine wisdom. Okay, I think I can only hit you back with yes or no answers, but let her rip. Question number one. Yes.

Is there a question we can ask this damn robot so we can get on with this game. Yes. There are many questions. Oh, sorry, just yes. So far so good. Two other questions, my child.

Well, you didn't actually answer it. I said, is there one? Then no. I didn't know that I was a part of the riddle. The riddler. You're a god. I definitely am. Question number two.

Come on, you got this. Oh, God. Come on. Come on. You're not stupid? Do you think I'm stupid? Nah. It's really kind of non-committal.

It's yes or no only. I don't know how to... No, you're not stupid. You're beautiful. I don't care what happens now. No third question. Okay, I got stuff to get back to. Guys, what should I ask?

Ask if we know the thing he doesn't. Yes, of course. He didn't ask that. I'm not talking to you. Oh, sorry. He has it on... No, my God, bro. He's got it on speakerphone.

All right Do we know the thing That he wants us to ask? I just told your friend yes Merle God Okay the answer to the second question is now yes Is it about the movie Kazam It's not about the movie Kazaz

That wasn't me That wasn't my Agnes I told you speak of the phone homie Listen the three of you are sharp Sharp sharp Sharp cookies I know you can figure this one out I've got to go

I've got a pie baking in the oven. What is it? I forgot the word. Later. Shit. I would... I have a question for you. Okay, but I have to warn you, my patience is wearing pretty thin. I have a question for you. Are you ready?

Yes. Who do we work for? And boom goes to dynamite. Who do we work for? He's sitting there just dormant. And you hear the servos inside. of them that have been like kind of audible this whole time they're they're spinning up real fast and uh he says um i do not understand uh and a little a little bit of smoke is now pouring out of uh of his

body uh and he's kind of shaken shaking very fast uh the the flame jets around you so their their pilot lights come on uh and you see them uh start start to kick into danger mode uh before they can do anything Hodgepodge just explodes. Yay. Bum-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-h. That blue light that has been surrounding the room the whole time is now gone. And you just hear everybody just yelling at you all at once. You hear the director saying like, come in, come in, come in.

Magnus, Merrill, Taco, come in, come in, come in. Is anyone there? Go for Magnus. Oh, boy, so you're safe. And you hear Lucas, you hear a... you hear Lucas asking how you guys are doing to you hear Ango and he's crying

you hear Ango crying and he's like I thought I was helping you guys and I knew I shouldn't have been doing it and then when it went dead I thought that you guys had died Angus just trying to help and I'm so sorry Director slap Angus for me That doesn't I think that would show up on

HR he's a little boy and I'm like an adult woman Don't think smack A little like He's talking about Smack a clock. Okay, a little one. Oh, God. Pull yourself together and go.

Someone quit in a picture. Get on the gram. Kick him. Now kick him right in the butt. Kick him real hard in the butt. Make some spaghetti and push him in the spaghetti. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Call him some names.

You like a patch Adams? I'm so glad that the three of you are right. Oh, God. Can you put an adult on the phone? We appreciate it, A-Nus. Let's talk to it. Anyway, I had this idea. What if you asked him something that the void fish had erased?

He's dead. He's dead. He blowed up. He blowed up real good. Oh, thank goodness. Okay. Well, but I love you. Bye.

Okay. Lucas, I'm afraid we won't be able to endorse your robot. What happened? I lost contract. No, yeah. You're supposed to say, like, me neither. Have you not seen Jurassic Park? Oh, me neither.

Okay, bye. going to get that hot, that hot dress and Clark phone in. Clever girl. Try to fit that one in. Hey, can I just take a quick, super quick moment if you're listening to the show right now and you just, like, busted out your Twitter fingers to say, like, you figured it out long before we did. Just fuck yourself.

Yeah, we got you. We got it. Okay. We got a lot to consider it. You are here. You weren't in the moment. There's a lot of pressure. You don't have to worry about voices.

You don't have to worry about spells. Like, just stuff it. We got a sleeping baby. sleeping baby right here right here and that that puts a damper on things uh yeah no i was sort of the conduit for that future um panic that you instilled in all our listeners i thought that puzzle wasn't too hard but you did solve it you've solved my puzzle of robot riddles um congratulations let's go down in the history books is dad's first useful spell so we got that going too um pan damn you straight to haydine indirectly sure but

It's still useful. The hatch to the airlock opposite the one that you entered this room from is now illuminated with white light. I pull one of Hodgepodge's arms off. Oh, my God. It's a theme. Yeah. He's a trope. I can't finish if I don't.

You're going to look like some sort of like crazy prospector by the next adventure just like walking around with like robot arms and mandibles. Or a spider. I like to collect mementos of my kills. Um, uh, this room, other than the, other than the airlock, this room has gone pretty dark. Uh, and you hear Lucas say, uh, oh man, that was a big, uh, a big burst of energy. When you, when you destroyed hodgepodge, uh, you freed up all the energy was using. You bought yourself about almost 40 minutes. Hey, uh, I think, I think we might just survive this thing.

I'm sorry, we killed your robot son. That's not really what he was, you know, a product. Do you need a minute? Wasn't he? Wasn't he? You know, wasn't he your robot son? No. Was he your robot wife?

He was real, but he was a, you know, he was real. was not that sort of thing. Yeah, tell us about it, Geppetto. No, he was just like a little, he was a commercial product. Hey, are you guys, can I ask a question? Sure he was. Are you guys just mean to everybody? Yeah.

Yes, we are. We were not raised well. We are mean to everyone. Okay, that's good. That's fun. It's not my problem. That was a sucking son. Your son sucked.

All right. Are you making fun of my voice? Because I've got sinus problems that there's a reason for. I'm not. Okay, I'm gonna hang up now, T-T-Y-L. What did you in Veddenetti pot next? The line is dead. Oh, I liked him.

I thought he was a douche. So yeah, there's... We moved through the portal, or whatever. Yep, there's another airlock. This one only has one exit out of it. We take the left one. So you are de-last, okay? You take me left, one of one.

One that's left. And you find yourself, in a slightly larger circular room than the Hodgepodge R&D chamber. There are a few points of interest in this room. There's a big pillar in the middle of the room. There is some hanging ventilation system overhead, and there's a grate that has been busted out of the bottom of one of these, this vent system

and the grate is now laying on the floor so somebody clearly busted that out and there's a note on the pillar what looks like it was pretty quickly scrawled out that says crashed into ventilation system going on ahead, meet you at elevators K

that's sorry that K is like how they signed it. They weren't just like we'll meet you at the elevators K Kay? Okay. Wait. Was that that that crew? Aituela chick? That's Killian.

Killian? Yeah. But we just, we passed the elevators. No, you didn't. We were in a place called the Museum of Elevators or whatever. Oh. No, you're heading toward the center of the compound, which are where the elevators are. Those were just decorative.

Those were decorative. Foe elevators. It really pulled the room together. You got those at IKEA. This room, by the way, is not crystallized. It is not been crystallized. I thought everything was critical. No, the crystallization hasn't really like spread all the way throughout the lab.

That's why we've been shutting the archaic airlocks or whatever behind it. Yeah. As you approach the center pillar, you see some movement come from behind it. And you hear a voice say, hello? And a robot about the size and, you know, about the size and, you. shape of a car engine floats out from behind the pillar and instead of immediately setting you on fire or asking you riddles.

You picked exactly my reference point for this call. We are super plugged in to how big a car engine is. Real gear heads, we are. Okay, well, how else would you describe something car engine size? I don't know. I don't know how big a car engine is. I don't know how big a car engine is.

Microwave size, refrigerator size, red box. Make as big a hug shape with your arms as you can. that's the size of the sink. Gotcha. So he's a hug-shaped robot. Like 12 sandwiches. It's a very huggerable robot

approximately 12 sandwiches. Like a medium-sized great day. How many sandwich is worth? I hug the robot. Well, let me finish describing it first. Oh, okay. It has a sign saying, please don't hug. It's covered in poisonous barbs.

No, it looks like it was just kind of scrambled together with leftover parts from other robots. I hastily hide the arm in my pocket. Okay. Yeah, that's... I quickly look. look up the word scrumbled.

Justin said that in a monster factory, and I can't, I, I started using it as though it were an actual word. I'm the Lewis Carroll of my generation. This, this robot, its core actually does look like a floating car engine, which I have written down here, now knowing that you have no fucking clue what I'm talking about. It's just a big, heavy block of metal. Imagine, to give you a more robot-centric point of reference, more conkey-shaped than than a, you know, Alan Tudic bot for my robot.

Does it have arms legs? It does. And again, it looks like it was made out of parts from other robots. So it has this big Hulk and central core with these vents and ports that don't actually look like they're in use. One of its arms looks vaguely like humanoid shape. Like it's got five fingers and a hand. But the metal doesn't actually match the rest of it. the metal of the of its frame it looks like it's cast from bronze um the other arm is like a foot

longer than than uh the the the humanoid ask arm uh but it doesn't have a hand at the end of it it just kind of has a hole uh at the end of it uh and it's got these four small turbines that are giving off a faint blue light uh that are somehow keeping this thing levitating a few feet off the ground it's not it does not have legs it's just kind of floating through the air um and there's a window in the center of its central frame and inside through that window you can see what appears to be a pretty large glass cylindrical fuse which illuminates whenever this thing talks and it says are you in need of assistance? Hail and well met mechanical man I'm a I'm a well I'm a robot but I'm I'm programmed a robot my name is Noel it doesn't have an L in it sorry oh god what oh boy

That's a real stinker. I got to tell you. Can I help you three out? Are you lost or what? Oh, my God. You have the first Noel we have ever met. She looks at you, Merle, and she goes, oh, my God, you are hurt. Can I help, can I fix you up?

Please fix Merle. However you can. Whatever you could do would be appreciated. And be careful with your arms around Agnes May. What do you mean? Don't worry. Nothing. You'll see.

You'll see. High five. Okay, hold on. Noel. He goes, Noel gives, Gives a high five. Magnus has a tape measure out.

Just getting the spot on his wall ready. Oh, very nice. Yes. Whoa, is that a 360 cam turn in the middle? That'll go in the rumpus room right there. It's going to look real good on some red oak. Hey, everybody.

This is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend, your bosom buddy. Is that the same thing as best friend? I don't know. I've never been quite sure what that term meant. I just assumed it was something gross. Thank you all so much for listening to The Adventure Zone episode 32, I think, and the fourth chapter in our Crystal Kingdom saga. We really appreciate you listening. We appreciate you sharing the show, talking about the show.

I'm going to say a big thanks to my buddy Evan Minsker, who wrote about the music for the show on Pitchfork. You can find the article there. I really appreciate you writing that, man. It means a lot to me. I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the the zonecast hashtag on Twitter. We really appreciate how amazing everybody's been in sharing the show. We don't advertise the show. Word and mouth is literally all we have to go on. So you telling a friend is the only way that we can get bigger and have more people be a member of the Zonecast fan. If you tweet using the Zonecast hashtag, you might end up as a character.

Like two characters you're going to meet in the second half of our episode, who are named after, Chloe Noel, that's Cloverd on Twitter, and Ernest Wheeler on Twitter. Thank you both for listening to show. Enjoy being immortalized in our fiction forever. We're going to have a bunch of new characters next week, so, I guess

minor spoiler alert. I mean, I don't know, they could all die within the first few minutes of their recording, and then we have to change plans. But tweet about the show, the Zonecast, hashtag. We appreciate it. Very, very much. Let's get on to some personal messages, if you want to get a personal message on this show, just go to maximum fun.org

slash jumbotron, and you'll find all the instructions on how to do so there. It's real easy, I promise. His first message is to Lucas, and it's from Amy. Amy says to Lucas, happy anniversary, darling face. This isn't a traditional gift, obviously. But given that I have an amazing husband who occasionally moves countries with me, I thought a message from a Macroy would be easier than shipping crockery to London. You are my favorite fellow adventure, and I I am so proud of us for making it this far. I can't wait to move somewhere. We'll both be foreigners, so you stop making fun of my accent.

I love you today. Like that, Nanka, middle. I mean, it's very, very sweet. I'm sure there's a sweet and personal story behind it, and I'm just crazy about all the love here. But I like it. Today we'll have to do. That's the message of the hit Broadway musical rent.

Here's another personal message. This one's for Tim Cullen, and it's from Zach Tartel. Zach says to Tim, Hey, Tim, I wanted to thank you for getting me into Pathfinder and making our group hangs even more fun. I love ignoring my beautiful wife for hours to Skype with you chumps and fight orcs and shit. I'll spend $100 to try and get you a fantasy goshapon item. Tim plays an int-based ranged caster and rolled a six.

Good luck, Tim. Hashtag bring back very blue jeans. Oh, man. I will deliver that off the air. I don't want to give all my book of secrets away. I spent a long time writing that book of secrets. but I will make something up off the top of my head. How about one of those slime hands, one of those sticky hands that you get?

But instead of just it being a sticky hand that you annoy your mom with from the back seat of your minivan, it can talk. That was not a good one. My apologies. This next message is probably my favorite one, maybe that's happened on this podcast so far. It makes you very happy. It's from Frank Texican and it's two Barry Blue jeans. And Frank says to Barry Blue Jeans,

Hey buddy, arrangements at the Regal Beagle and Fandolin are set out for 44th cake day. They promise to have plenty of Shinerbach on tap reserved for us. And hundreds of Virgin Free Range chickens are available for hot wings. The best part, Kenny Chesney tickets. After this past craptastic year, I really need this break from real life. See you soon, my friend. I guess we're like almost a year late on delivering this message maybe. because I have terrible, terrible news for you.

This is wonderful. Please, please everybody keeps sending in fiction jumvitrom messages. Hey, do me favor. Go listen to the other shows on the Maximum Fun Network. There's a ton of very, very, very good shows, all waiting for you to listen to them. There's stop podcasting yourself. There is bunker buddies. There is sawbones.

I'm going to take a while here to plug a bunch of new Macroy projects. First of all, we have a new website called Macquarie. Macarroy Shows.com. Yes, is a little bit egotistical that we have a website tracking all of our different projects, but I'm looking at the website now and it's kind of ridiculous how many pies we got our toes in. Not our toes. Gross. That's nothing. Travis and Teresa launched a new podcast called Schmanners this week, and it's about etiquette in the real world and how we should all be using it and stop being such clowns. It's called Schmanners. It's really, really good. Sydney and her little sister Riley launched a new show called Still Buffering, and it's all about hashtag

teen life. That one is also on maximum fun. Rachel and I launched a podcast called Rose Buddies. You can find that on iTunes. It's where we talk about The Bachelor. It's really, really a great show, especially if you're a member of the Bachelor Nation. And I think tomorrow, this is going up on Thursday, so Friday, I'm going to be launching a new podcast for Polygon with Polygon's Dick Robinson, where we talk about video games. There's a lot of stuff going on, and I'll probably remind you of it over the next couple episodes. I try not to self-promote too much, but we just have a lot of stuff going on.

So that's what's up. That's it for the commercials. I hope you enjoyed the rest of the episode. The next episode will be going up on February 11th. So we will talk to you then. Bye. Noel floats towards you, Merle, and a cavity opens up,

a little hatch opens on her central frame, and a syringe pops out of it. And the syringe is full of a green, fluid and she starts to float in your direction with this syringe. Now hold real still. Is it laundry detergent? No, it's not. It's super power juice.

Well, being a cleric, I recognized a healing touch when I see it. Stick it in me. Okay. Yeah, this needle, first of all, passes through your suit. And you die. And you feel a little poke in your arm, but you're basically like getting a booster shot. and you get healed for 3D10 plus 6 damage. If you want to run back.

Right. Yeah. Here we go. Six. Two. Nine. Six to nine. This is a coverall bingo.

17 plus six. You get healed for 23 points of damage. And you feel like energized after this thing shoots you up. And it was heroin. Ah. And now you're addicted to heroin. No. Again, heroin.

Sorry, it'll take me a little bit to synthesize more of this first aid fluid, but... We don't... I don't need any more. Okay. These guys. No, Al. Pleasure to meet you. It's real nice to meet you, too.

Hey, what are the three y'all doing here? We're looking for Lucas. Lucas is in towards the center of the lab, but you, y'all can't get over there. It's been crystallized, and I've seen what happens if you, if you touch you, if you touch you, the crystal, you get turned into crystal. And so it's pretty unsafe for y'all to be going around. We got these suits. Yeah, the suits keep us that from happening to us. Oh, you guys have those front. Y'all have nal suits. Yeah, of course. So I guess you'd be okay to go in and try and find him. Have you seen some other people come through here looking for Lucas? Um, no, I must have missed him.

There are other folks here, too? Don't worry about it. Can you show us the way to Lucas, please? Well, yeah, sure. There's another airlock hatch directly across from the one that you came into this room from. You figure just goes in deeper toward the center of the compound. However, on the right side of this room, as you came in, there are two other hatches. And one of them has a plaque hanging over it that says Lucas's private quarters. The scanner, the hand scanner that you've been using to open up all these airlocks, the hand scanner on this one is actually red, which you haven't seen before. The others have been green and have opened pretty easily whenever you touch them. The other hatch isn't illuminated at all. It looks like it's completely powered down. Yeah, those are the other two doors in this chamber.

And, Noel, before we go on, tell us what's with them other doors? Well, those are, that's, I mean, that's where, that's Lucas's private quarters. You can read, right? No, yeah, cool, cool, cool. Is he in there? No, that's just, like, where he sleeps and keeps his, you know, keeps all his stuff. What kind of stuff? Fun stuff? I don't know, like, his personal belongings. I don't, I don't, I don't go in there, usually. Do you have access to it?

I mean, I could. I'm asking for a friend. I guess I could open it up. And you hear Lucas come in through that pendant and say, Like, hey, excuse me, can you not do that? Would you mind please not going into my room? I cover up the pendant. I mean, think that is going to know. I'm Lucas and I say let him go in the room.

I don't think that was actually. I don't think that was actually. Should I roll a ventriloquism check or? You could do a performance check or a bluff check, whichever one you. Sure, sure, sure. By the way, this episode of the Adventure Zone, the part of Newell being played by Delta Burke. Let's see. Performance. I got plus one to that, so that's a six. Okay, you literally just go like,

Hey, it's me, Lucas, and I'm thinking to let him go in the room. And you did it with your, you did it with your fucking wide open mouth. Shouldn't we just ask Lucas which door to go through? I know. Oh, wait, this is OOC, too, dad. I don't trust him at all. Okay. Like, I don't like him at all, and nobody does. so I don't want to ask him shit about shit.

Okay, then let me ask you this. What does OOC mean? Out of character. You know the O.C.? You know the teen drama O.C? This is the prequel. Oh, okay. Okay, cool.

Ordinary Orange County. And now back we are. Noel, what's with the shutdown door there, the other one? Oh, we don't really use that room anymore. Yeah, it's just, it's vacant. But we just don't use anymore. It's sort of just a, you know, every lab has a derelict room in it. Is that like an old saying?

Yeah, they're chatting. I wander behind Noel. Okay. Yeah, no, that's just kind of like common knowledge. If you have a lab, you gotta have a, you gotta have a derelict room. I think my grandmother crocheted that on something. Yeah. I'm going to cast a disguised self on myself to make me appear like Lucas.

All right. Yeah. You have, at Noel, might as well, you have beautiful arms. Oh, well, thank you. I mean, it's more, hey, what's going on here? Oh, my, oh, Lucas, how did you? I'm going to give you advantage, but I'm still going to need you to make a bluff check of your, does your voice change magically automatically using?

I thought that was breathtakingly accurate. Yes. Are you sure about that? Otherwise, you can't change your body type, so you must adopt a form that has the same number of basic range of limbs. I'm less worried about that. more worried about your voice. Let me finish.

Otherwise, the extent of the illusion is up to you. So your handprint could match as well. Yeah. I'm hoping it won't come to that, but I could try. That seems a little crazy. Like, that doesn't make sense to me. I think it's only visual. I don't think it affects your voice.

But I'll give you, because you're now disguised, I will give you advantage on a bluffer performance check. As we've established previously in fiction that Taco is a master of impersonating voices, as we saw with little Jerry. Yeah, that's true. That has been already established. It's in fiction. Yeah.

Bluff check is... Wait, what do I add to that? Bluff? No performance. Is there no bluff? Nope. Fuck, man. I don't know these skills at all.

18. Okay, yeah, that works. She buys it. Oh, Lucas. Well, how did you get out? I thought you were trapped behind you... I have a null suit. Where do you think they got it?

Oh yeah, yeah I guess I didn't think of that Okay, well Yeah, these guys work with me Can you pop open the I lost my hands Can you pop open the No, you're wearing gloves

For the null suit Can you open my personal quarters please? Yeah, I mean that was kind of a weird Series of things you said It was weird how it happened like that But that's what's happening I agree that it didn't like you But you can't understand

The complexity of human interaction There's a whole dance, tat to tat, if you will. Yeah, sure. All right. She floats over to the scanner, and she has a little satellite dish-looking thing attachment on her central core frame that she just sort of waves in the direction of the scanner, and it turns green. Well, here you go.

We should really get the heck out of here, don't you think? It seems like this place is going to go down. Yeah. Can you, hey, Magnus or Merle, which are, what? of you guys, can you go down and get the thing that we need? Oh, definitely, definitely, definitely. I go into the room. Okay.

Yeah, because I'm feeling a little woozy from the snot shot he gave me a few minutes ago. Are you just making up effects now, Dan? Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. All right, I go down into, wait, which character am I? Magnus goes into the room. Okay. Yeah, you pass through another airlock. And on the other side of that airlock, you are in Lucas's private quarters.

And it is filthy. It's a filthy room. Lucas is a dirty boy. There's like dirty dishes all over the room. There's papers strewn all over the place. If there's a floor in Lucas's private quarters, you cannot see it. The bed's not made. There's food on the bed.

There's towers of books all over the room. And other than this sort of this huge. mess, the only feature worth noting is a pretty long desk in the back of the room with a lamp on it. And that is also the only sort of light source that's on in this room. Okay, I'm going to check out the desk. Okay. You're just checking it out, are you making a roll? I'm making a roll, I guess. I'm investigating. Okay. 18 plus zero, 18. Okay. Yeah, with that roll, you can see, well, you can see, well, you can clearly you see on the top of the desk is a little magnifying glass sitting on a tray,

and this tray has a bunch of these very small broken little pieces of various gemstones. You see some amethyst, a few very small pieces of diamond. You see some little slivers of pearl. All of them look like they are sort of broken off of. of bigger chunks. There's some sapphire, some ruby in there. But they're all pretty small, but you estimate all of these gemstones

to be worth about 1,200 gold pieces. Yoink. Okay. I am going to take those for safekeeping. Okay. And with that investigation check, you also notice, there are a couple drawers to the side of the desk that don't seem to have anything of value in it.

But with that investigation check, you find a very, very, very small hidden compartment underneath the bottom of the desk that is locked up tight. Okay. I got this. I've got my nitpicker. We've got... Then you use it.

Bud, the nick picker, he can unlock it. This is awesome. Are you guys coming into Lucas? This is why it's felt like that every time we've been effective. If you can believe it, imagine writing a high like this. At least once per episode, sometimes even twice. I gave you life. That's true.

I gave you. You have my genetic material that I gave. Yeah, you gave me life. Apparently mom gave me D&D skills, weirdly. Just like genetically speaking, it's the only good make sense. It is passed down through the mother. I'm sorry, you're not going to harsh my vibe. Ain't nothing going to break on my stride.

Okay, then use your damn midpicker. Okay, so, Burrell, you're moving to the room, Tucker. Are you coming in as well? No, I'm watching. I'm keeping a lookout, baby. Okay. There may be stuff to steal. My new thing is like Magnus Rush is in.

Taco's good out here. My new thing is tacos good out here because that's a lot less work for me. I can just kind of like chill. Merle, do you have a motto vis-a-vis bravery? Yes. It's not for the faint-hearted. Okay. I'm not sure how that applies to anything.

Is that your motto or are you just afraid to tell us that because your model will shock us all? I don't want, yeah, I need a little time. We're talking T-shirts and posters. So let me come up with something down the road. Okay, I take Bud, the little nitpike. Is that what you've named him? It just sounds so cute. Okay.

Bud. And he looks like a garden gnome. Yep. Except he's got a backwards ball cap on. I take him and I put him in front of the lock drawer and I say, Bud, I need you to pick this lock. And of course, you are free to pick the nits and be as critical as you want of us. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Thanks for the permission. Boy, I sure do appreciate that. My Good Man, Murrell. He starts to animate as soon as you get him in the vicinity of this locked, lock. And what have you been calling me this whole time? What did you call me? What did you say my name was?

Bud. Okay. I'm calling you, bud. You understand. I'm like a living thing. You can't just like go around and being like, oh, well, that bird's name is Terry because I saw it. You understand this, right?

Bud, pick the damn lock. I'm getting, you know, I'll get to it. He pulls out a... You sound like Sheldon Lillard. He pulls out a, like a rolled-up cloth thing that he unfurls, and you see a number of lock picks and tools inside, and he takes a couple of them out. He goes, I have a name, by the way, and it's not Bud. You can't... Okay, I've come up with a new name for you, Merle.

Your new name is... Joshua. How do you like that? It hurts, don't it? No, I kind of like that. Joshua High Church. That actually sounds good. Joshua Hight Tower High Church. Joshua Merle High Tower High Church. My name is Ernest.

Okay? Just like common courtesy, you can call me by the name that my mom gave me, which was Ernest. Not budd. I think you. You call me Vern. Oh, boy. Now pick the damn law. I'm working on the lock.

It's a tricky lock. Okay, I'm a little man. What do you want me to do? I'm a little man. Boy, how. Pick some nits on them now. Hey, I'm trying to imagine this. Does he just, like, have his little hand crammed in the lock?

Grabbing. Oh, he's got all those little tools and tumblers. Yeah, he's gotten rid of his tools, and he's just like, he's getting in there. He's elbow deep in this lock. Oh, God. Oh, God. It pinched me. Ugh.

Hate these locks. But I'm so good at this. Unlike, unlike you got, you know what? you guys are good at. You know what you guys are good at. Solving, solving riddles their robots gave you, huh? Thank you. No, it only took you 25 minutes. It was great. Well, it was tough. I appreciate the compliment. Yeah. No, this is a genuine. This is, we've just, we're just now meeting. This is how I sound when I'm being genuine. Oh, thank you. I'm just saying in general, the three of you are, I'm just saying the three of you in general are very good at paying attention to your surroundings and

remembering the clues that you see in those surroundings. Thank you for later. We really appreciate that. And then using those clues to solve later conflicts. It's like your three's core competency. You're like the fucking, you're like superheroes for remembering and observing shit. I feel that means a lot to me, bud. I feel like Ernest is reading ahead to the subreddit comments on this episode. It's like just reading what people said about it. My favorite part is when the robot literally said, say the thing that you know that I don't, and that wasn't enough of a, of a hot, hot hint for you guys to solve the daily double. Well, you know, sometimes it takes a second, what we got there. Thank you.

I hate the three of y'all's brains. You hear a click. Okay, great. Put them in your bag. Okay. Yeah. Well, okay, good thanks. I opened the drawer. Way to thank.

Way to thank! Tell me he's afraid of the dark. He yells way to thank as you jam him into your backpack. You pry out the secret drawer. And inside is a small velvet bag. with a little cinch on it, a little small string cinch. And as you undo it, Magnus, are you the one? Yes.

Doing this, okay. As you un-sinch it and open up the bag, you pull out from inside. It looks like an old compact mirror. And the exterior of this mirror is woven in this ornate silver pattern that, is actually kind of tarnished. And yeah, that is what was inside of the bag, is this compact, like, mirror. Wait, I know this one.

I polish it. You tried to, but this tarnished is like, is on there. This thing is... And then a genie comes out? A little old. And a genie comes out? Two genies come out. No, no genies.

Two genies. I open it. Okay. You open it. and inside isn't actually like a reflective mirror. Inside is actually just a circular disk of emerald, and it looks flawless, this circular emerald disc. And it's not reflecting your image,

but as you look into it, you actually start to see some moving figures inside of it. And as they take form, you can see clear as day into this scene. You see two men sitting on a pretty comfortable looking sofa with a big pit bull spayed out on top of them, and they're looking at this flashing illuminated box on the other side of the room. And then suddenly the image changes, and you're looking at sort of an older woman who's sitting in the driver's seat of some sort of vehicle, and she's listening to the smoothest jazz in a line of other vehicles in front of a building with a, a sign with a big burger on top of it.

And then you see another image. You see a young woman who's curled up in a, like a bay window nook in a dark house. She's watching a heavy snowstorm outside. She's drinking tea. And she looks like she's tinkering with some sort of handheld device with these two glowing panels on it. And then you see another image of like a CD bar where this three-piece rock band is playing to a pretty small crowd, but everyone in the crowd is singing along to every word of their songs. And then you see another image of an old man who's asleep.

He's wearing what appeared to be like earmuffs. He's in a large metal tubular room with these rows of mostly full seats, and there's a loud whirring noise in this room. You see a bundled up woman hiking up a steep hill, and behind her you see a brightly lit city skyline that's towering over this massive harbor full of boats, and the buildings in this skyline are taller than any you've ever seen before. And like every 10 seconds or so, your perspective,

looking into this mirror, just shifts. and it's showing you more and more scenes of this impossible world. Griffin, I'm sorry, I had to run out of the room real quick. Oh, man, that's my least favorite adventures own players bit. Okay, so he's stealing technological ideas from our world. Are you saying this in character, or? Well, this is me saying it to like Justin and Dadding, Griffin. Okay, I don't know any of this, but you can say it to that if you want.

No, no, no. This is me saying it like we were sitting at a table in real life and not spread that all of the country. I need you to come out and relate that information to me. Otherwise, I won't be able to implement it in any meaningful way. Okay. I will communicate it to Taco in a minute. Right now I'm telling Justin. Yeah, but like, you got to think of a way to tell Lucas because I'm Lucas right now. Okay, I got you. Cool. I think we're dealing with like a Bioshock Infinite looking through the portals and stealing. That's how they came up with elevators. I don't know.

This might be Griffin's incredibly complicated way to justify to listeners to why there are elevators in this world. Oh my God, it's all been retcon for elevators.

It's all been for this. Well, retcon implies that I didn't have this plan from day one. I can remember when we were planning for this show,

Griffin said, and wait till you hear how I came up with how to get elevators in it. It's a twist they'll never see. There's no rec coming

but I'll be dropping elevator hints throughout. It's his Kaiser Sozé moment. All right, I throw the, I close the compact. Okay. I put it in my bag. Okay.

You hear a voice come through your pen. Hey, you guys aren't in my room right now. Are you? I haven't checked in with you in a while. No. Completely unrelated, though. Like, have you ever thought about like a maid service just for like the whole lab in general? I mean, I have help here.

But I don't know if you notice that the parts of my laboratory are covered in virulent crystal that if you touch it, you get turned into crystal and die. What can you tell us about Noel? You guys found Noel? Yeah She's just like She's just like an She's just like an assistant She just helped

Why does she look cobbled together From other parts? I don't know what you're talking about I'm sorry that my design Apparently isn't up to your standards Um We just saw like another robot buddy Who was like real well put together

And she's kind of like shit They're not cut from the same cloth right Like I Did you build her when you were like eight? No I She's one of my Character voice

Charves and Peggy. Is she your first robot? No, she's at, she's one of my more... Did you build her from a kit, and you forgot to look at the cover of the box? She's one of my more recent... Okay, she looks a little rough on the outside, but you're not really appreciating her genius. What she's supposed to, like, end up looking like the U.S. Enterprise or something, and she ends up looking like... You're just so obsessed with what she looks like, you didn't even think about the fact that, yeah, the buddy bot looked really cool, right?

Mm-hmm. But he, he only had pre-programmed answers built into him. Noelle can think. She's, she's... You guys are so frustrating. You don't appreciate any of these things that I'm making. What's the deal with the shutdown room? Oh, that's just a derelict room.

You know how every lab just has a derelict room in it? No. Is that a thing? Yeah, it's just a room we don't use. It's a big lab, okay? We just don't use... Griffin, is there like a porthole or something on the door that I can look in of the shutdown room? So you're going back down out to the...

Yeah, we're out of his shitty room. Okay, but you better fucking hang up on him. Because I'm up here. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I cover the thing again. Okay. No, there's no porthole.

There's no little peephole looking into the room. There is, as you look over the shutdown door, there is, you see some holes, like very, very small holes in the wall above the door. And there's like a little, you can see like a faint sort of impression. and it's right where the plaque is on Lucas's side that says Lucas's sleeping quarters, where that looks like it would be over the store, it's just gone. Whose sleeping quarters was this? And right as you say that, you hear a sound that sounds like boom. And as you turn to investigate the source of this sound, you see a rift in space.

about 20 feet in front of you, close to the central pillar in the middle of this room. And from out of that rift, you see a little chunk of pink tourmaline. And that pink tourmaline is illuminated from inside with a white light. And as soon as it pops through that rift, it falls to the ground. And as soon as it touches the ground, the room begins to transform. It starts to spread out from where that crystal touch the ground. It climbs up the pillar and spreads all over the ceiling. it's spreading all over the walls and it takes over the whole room and then almost as soon as the

transformation is complete you begin to hear them tinkle crinkles again oh here they come those tinkle crinkles oh yeah we're in nal suits i was trying to get really worried for a second uh yeah you are totally safe um and uh noel's noel is kind of panicked and she is becoming very uh cognizant of where she is floating uh making sure not to touch anything um and you hear those tinkle crinkles and they're building and they're building and they seem to be playing another melody as as they build and then you hear that voice that you heard back in a conservatory and it sings another verse of its song. I show the ice is we should see, but for my vision is talking. It's fire.

Did you guys notice the voice said but four? You guys What's a butt for? For pooping, silly The central pillar in the room That is now completely crystallized Begins to groan Sorry, did you say Billy crystallized?

All right, that's the end of the episode Cliffhanger! We're Billy crystallized! You look marvelous. Yeah, oh, I hate it when that happens. Oh, God, is that Mario from Mario? Are you? Maximumfund.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hello, internet. I'm Travis McElroy. And I'm Teresa McElroy. She is my wife. And he's my husband.

And it is our pleasure to introduce to you a brand new podcast. Schmanners. It's extraordinary etiquette for ordinary occasions. Teresa, let me ask you this. Can you teach me how to write a thank you note? Yes, I can. How about tips to improve? my table manners. I'll do my best. And will you finally explain to me the difference between casual

and business casual and cocktail and formal and black tie and all that stuff? If anybody can, I can. But like, it's going to be funny, right? Of course. I'm going to give historical origins and how those manners fit into our everyday lives. How could it not be funny? But also sometimes we'll talk about like burps and farts, right? Yeah, when not to. But we'll still talk about it. Yes. Great. So come join us for our new hilarious show. No, RSVP required.

Coming to you soon every Friday on Maximumfund.org. It's Schmanners. Manners, schmanners. Get it?