The Adventure Zone - Ep. 36. The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Eight

Episode Date: March 24, 2016

Hey, things aren't really going that great for our heroes right now, but on the plus side -- it's MaxFunDrive time! You can support our show by going to maximumfun.org/donate, though unfortunately, you can't really support our heroes right now; they've got to un-goof this situation themselves. Merle saves a life. Magnus gets new legs. Taako introduces a long-overdue tentacle scene to the show. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. This robot, there's a window in the center of its central frame. You can see what appears to be a pretty large glass cylindrical fuse, which illuminates whenever this thing talks. My name is Noel. The shards form almost a perfect dwarf shape, as if they were all targeting Merle when they flew in your direction. That's just ridiculous, what?

These gemstones, they don't hate Merle. Lucas says, gang, listen, we don't have time for this. These purple volts of electricity surround you, emanating from that panel, and paralyzing you. And as the door is shut behind him, he says, I am so, so sorry. And those loose pieces of crystal shards start to self-form. Merle, you see your arm, your poor, poor crystallized arm sort of float into this mass and come together to form another crystal golem. Are you ready for the greatest adventure of all?

by which I mean donating to Max Fund Drive, make his brain on the Adventure Zone. Folks, you've been coming to our inn for a long time. You've been gathering around the old fireplace. As us four bards spin you a yarn of treasure and excitement and adventure and danger and peril and sexuality. And you just left the inn without you storied and dashed. And the buck stops here.

Well, here. this is where the buck stops is match fun drive time the de blune stops here is it a buck like a deer or is it buck like a dollar dollar are you sure

oh yeah you were there when he said it because you're old see Justin what is the max fun drive tell me all about it please Maximum Fun is a podcast network full of great shows and great people a lot of podcasts are

utter garbage but not ours mostly and you could support us making more of them and continuing to make them and making the ones we make better by donating to the network. Anything you can donate helps. We have levels from $5 a month all the way up to $200 bucks a month, although they would probably let you donate more if you wanted to.

Yeah, the top limit is infinity. If you want to dump on it. The top limit is you buy that shit out from underneath Jesse Thorne, and you rename it the maximum Dave network. And you just like, do it. You just do the damn thing. You cancel all the shows. All the Dave you can handle.

We're going to be talking all about that throughout this episode. I think we should start doing adventure, though. First of all, Justin, I just want to ask, are you lonely? Because I got you, I got your dad. Are you kidding me? This is the very first time that I have recorded the Adventure Zone without dad in eyesight. So it's like, yeah, I stole your dad. So it's like only the fourth or fifth time I've been able to record this show in the nude.

in the buff. Is it also nice to do it without fear of dad spilling drinks all over your setup? This motherfucker, he's got a fucking full glass of chair wine right next to my brand new MIDI keyboard. That shit is precarious. He actually hired an itinerant man, young man, to sit in my chair across from me with a 64-ounce Coke Zero that he bought at the Speedway. That's what I like about Dad. He's a job creator.

Dad's a job creator. He's being paid a very fair wage. He's just kind of a journeyman who goes from podcast to podcast. Ruining MIDI keyboards. Ruining keyboards and just dumping out shit on things. We got to be done, by the way, in the next hour and 40 minutes because this is not a joke. Dad and I are going to get a couple's nosewax over at Finley's Barbershop at 2 p.m. local time.

Thanks for returning my dad to me in a much better state. Daddy, I've got on my notes on my computer, so don't look over here and cheat. Oh, I won't. So when last we left you guys off, you had been paralyzed by Lucas's trap set in your null suits. Merle, you are just legs paralyzed. The rest of your body is good to go. Magnus, you have control of like your head.

You can talk and do stuff, and you have control your hands, but you can't really move your arms or legs. You're supine taco. You are just totally down for the count. And it looks like Carrie and Killian R as well. And the Crystal Golem, seeing you in this sad state, has said, well, this is going to be a lot easier than I thought. Man, it's going to be weird doing these accents with you right in my grill. Wait a minute.

Those voices have all been you? Oh, wow. I'm really looking past the kimono. That's not always, you don't look past the, you appreciate the kimono. You don't ignore it. Listen, it's better. And Justin's sitting there in the nude. You look good in that.

So, yes, that was where we left you last time. You're lying naked on the floor. You're not naked. You're in all suits. And the Crystal Golem is, he hasn't, like, just, like, outright attacked you since finding you in this vulnerable position. He actually walks over to Carrie and Killian and kind of eyes them over. And as he looks them over, he waves one of his long, crystalline spear-like arms.

And what looks like a book, a large tome made of light, appears in front of him. And he is... Hey, you leave them alone, you big stone boy? He pays that you no mind to your shitty George McFly impression. Thank you. Thank you for catching that. You know, a lesser DM. wouldn't have gotten the reference.

And he's flipping through this tone. No, Biff. You leave her alone. Just keep workshopping it. We got all the time in the world. Yeah, we got, yeah, this is a safe space for you to, I mean, God, like, God knows that I've spent the past two years just sort of mastering my shit. I don't want to bust out my Georgia McFly because now I just embarrass you, but. You want me to bust out my, my Doc Brown?

Actually, yes, I would like that very much. Okay, Marty. Well, do it. Yeah, make sure. Yeah, that's your Bernie Sanders. Do your... Getting political. Can you do your Reverend Jim now that? What does a yellow light mean?

That one actually was a badass Bernie Sanders. If you had just done him one to the left. Oh, wow. Now can you do your Drew Blank from Toonstruck, the FMV game? Yep. Boy, I sure like being in Toonstruck. Really good. Give me the lead angel

and angels in the outfield, please. Oh, a little bit more to the left because he pulls to right field. Is he getting younger as you go forward? He is, yeah. Yeah, everyone knows Christopher Lloyd has Benjamin buttons, but it's like real slow. Oh, boy.

I was going to... Just super quick aside, I was going to Google more Christopher walk, whoever that thug is. Lloyd Roll. Lloyd? I just said his name. But when I type Chris, my Google auto-completed to Chris Gaines.

So that's the kind of life I'm living. All right. So this Crystal Golem is looking through some sort of book made out of light. And it's flipping through it and sort of looking at Carrie and Killian as it goes. And then it slams the book shut and it disappears just as quickly as it appeared. And he says, well, it looks like you two aren't on the naughty list. So it looks like it's just the three of you on a one-way trip. back to the astral plane.

What? And this, this Golem actually looks at Noel, the robot, and goes, oh, hold on. And the book reappears and he flips through it and he goes, oh, make that the four of you. Mr. Cotney Gallum, I feel like maybe you have us mistaken for somebody else. Let me do my voice. Maybe you have us mistaken for, we're from this plane. Oh, is that right? Have I got a twist, did?

Uh, yeah. I mean, this is the first time that one of my bounties has told me something like this. So I trust you. I believe you, you guys are free to go. Don't even worry about it. I feel you're being insincere. No, no, no. You, but, oh, if you say so, I tried, there's no way, uh, there's no way you'd be fibbing about this.

Wait, you said, like, what's the bounty? Who are you looking for? Uh, in this particular laboratory, I am looking for a number of people. There's a lot of action to be had here tonight. Okay. Hey, Griffin, am I probably unable to talk? You can talk, but it's like strained and hilarious. Okay, great.

Oh, well, no pressure, though. You can talk, just don't move your mouth or your face muscles or your tongue. Okay, sounds good. I don't have anything to say. So, no, I got, I know. I say we let him go. He says, all right, we don't have to drag this out. Let's not make this any worse.

needs to be. Let's roll initiative, he says. Oh. I roll the 10, Griffin. What's your initiative? No, I rolled an 8 with a plus 2 initiative. Okay. Daddy? Hold on.

You have plus 2 and you can roll twice. 17. Okay? 14, but I can't do shit. The first in the order is actually the Golem. Who, thank you. who reaches over with his left arm. He's got these two long crystalline spear arms.

He's actually going to reach over with his right arm, and he hits it against his left arm to break a little piece of it off. And then suddenly that piece is floating in the air sort of right next to him. So he has this little shard of himself floating next to himself. He sharded! I'm going to get sharded. Gross. Sometimes I would think that dad, like, fake laughed at jokes like this, but now that we're, like, face to face, I can really...

Listen, I know my audience, Griffin. I know what I do. I can't believe you record like this. This is so intimate. I can't believe you guys record like this every... Every fortnight. With dad sitting in your lap? Two mics.

One heart. All right. So he's going to... After breaking a piece of himself off, he looks down and says, oh, which one to use? Oh, yeah, you short one. And he's going to attack you with his spear arm. And he rolls a five plus seven. Is it 12?

He misses. Oh, man, that's embarrassing. You're laying perfectly still. I'm usually better than this. I apologize. I've got performance anxiety. You know how it is. Don't worry about it.

I'm sure you did the best you could. it is your turn Merle you have basically you have control of your top half your body because your hand was not paralyzed you have you didn't drop any of your stuff so you still have your access to your Warhammer battle wrench little choppy and the Extreme Teen Bible

Does he Is he the one that has my arm attached to him? It's like inside of him somewhere He's not using your arm as his arm because it would be like little, like a baby's arm. But yeah, it's definitely in there somewhere. What if there'd be any chance I could still control it from where I am?

Probably not. No, I don't know. I really want to make that work for you, narratively speaking, but it is now just a big, it's a piece of crystal in the shape of your arm. Because if I could make him give the finger with my arm, I don't know. I mean, we can retcon it and say you were giving the finger as your arm was being crystallized, so it's permanently blast. flip giving you a cold one between the shoulder blades.

Griffin, we're already halfway through the illustrations on that episode for our cartoon series. I don't know if it's, I think it's too late to change it. I think I might cast Dispel Magic. Yes, is that something you can cast? Yeah, I have Dispel Magic. Now, is what is holding us in place magic? Yes. Yeah, it was a, it stemmed from magic.

It was a magical electrical trap set in the null suits. Well, then I might try to cast Dispel Magic. Okay. Taco. Okay, yeah. See if I can free him up. Because you can only target one, one magical effect in range, or one magical creature or effect. Okay.

Roll it, and then we'll say the DC is 13. All right. At seven. Plus your spellcasting modifier is six. It's 13. 13, yeah. So, yeah, okay, Taco, you are, you feel this paralysis, a bolt of purple energy sort of darts away from your body. body and shoots off some...

Shouldn't I yell something out? Well, don't yell something because this is an audio medium, but if you want to say something neat. Shabbadoo! Shabbadoo. Shabbado. That's what I'm going to go with. Okay. Hey, can you... If I'm not there, can you glower it, Dad?

Oh, you know that's exactly what I'm doing. Oh, he already did. Oh, genetics is such an incredible thing. Everybody fucking... Adam Sandler, High Church. Everybody. But, yeah, as you... Taco, you feel yourself.

able to move once again as a purple streak of energy shoots off your bod and hits a wall and shoots some sparks off and it is your turn. You did drop your stuff as you fell down because you had that full paralysis. But you notice actually while you were down

your Umbra staff, your umbrella was actually like moving with a mind of its own like opening and closing in a way to like very subtly to scoot it back towards your yourself great cool um so i don't have my i'm like empty handed right now uh i mean you're it's it's now right next to you like all your stuff is you can move again so um you can sort of collect your belongings you can't move if you decide to stand up because standing up is a move action but i don't need to stand okay i'm good i'll just scoop my crap up okay you scoop your crap up

I need the material components for all my spells. You're out of time reversal cubes. Can you dispel my magic? Wait, hold on. Is Dad the fucking wind beneath your wings? Is he the magic that lets you know how to play D&D this whole time? Maybe we've just been using him as a point of comparison for you, and it makes you seem like you're actually way better and more confident with your daddy. I use Dad's long lapses to, like, plan my own thing.

I don't, I can't seem as quick on the draw. You know what? I'm going to cast a spell of this guy. Okay. See how he deals with a little magic. I'm going to cast Evard's black tentacles. Fuck, what? I'm going to ask you a dad question. Is that a spell you can cast? For sure.

And it's conjuration, which is right in my wheelhouse. Well, transmutation's your wheelhouse. No, it's like my other wheelhouse behind the bigger wheelhouse. He's got two. He's a bicycle wheelhouse. It's like the wheels shed. It's like I minored in sociology in college and like, why the fuck did I do that? Did you? Yeah.

Griffin. That's what led him to be so good at DMing. Squirming, so I cast a spell and like black tentacles emerge in a 20-foot square all around this cat. What's this fool's name? You don't know. Golem. Hey, thug, what's your name? I'm about to tentacle your dick.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm going to get you into a cell. some tent porn. Let me get that name real quick so I know how to credit you. In my tentacle porn I'm about to make with your body. You want me to look up somebody's name on Twitter to name this first after so you can wrap them in sex tentacles. Hey, you heard me. I didn't stutter. You froze me, Bosephus. I hated it. Find somebody who likes hentai. Oh God, dad just said the word hentai out loud. How about Crystal Gale? No, it's going to be a... Some lucky tweeter. My name's Cravitz.

That's named after Mac Cravets on Twitter. Thank you, Mac. You just got tentacled. Mac Cravitz is a great Gallum name. Is it Matt? Matt or Max? Mac.

Mac, M-A-C-Ravits. Okay. Son of Cravets is what that means. So I'll let you know what is up when his turn begins. But for right now, there's like black tentacles. Okay. Okay. Next in the order is Magnus.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not sure what to do here because my head can move and my hands can move. Okay, let me ask you this, Gryphon. Is it the suit is locking me in place or is there a magic? Like, could I fight against the suits like lockdown or am I just frozen? Well, you did already fail sort of a contest, and that's how you ended up. paralyzed. Yeah. If you wanted to spin your turn trying to like conjure up the willpower,

trying to do like a constitution save as your turn, I would allow that. But otherwise you're stuck as stuck as hell. I want to yeah. Okay, I'm still wearing the necklace that lets me talk to Lucas, right? Uh-huh. Don't you have ranged weapons? Yeah, but I like my hand, like my hands are the only thing that's free. I can't reach shit. I'm playing, I'm playing. I'm playing, I'm playing. I'm in fiction, baby. That's like you meant your arms were free. I'm sorry. Just my hands.

Lucas, you son of a bitch, if you can hear me, when this guy gets done with us, he's coming for you. Do you really want that to happen? Dispel the damn magic and let me fight him. Wow. There's no response. Lucas, you son of a bitch, if we get out of this, I'm coming for you too. You actually hear the sound of like shattering glass and then nothing.

What does that mean? He dropped a glass of cheer wine on his console On his fucking MIDI keyboard Lucas Yeah he is It sounded like he actually destroyed whatever Instrument he was using to Noelle are you locked down

No I'm I'm doing just I'm doing just fine I'm a little worried I'm actually kind of floating away From this guy Do you know how to undo whatever Lucas did to the suits I can try She floats over to you And like with with her

her long hose arm. She's being very delicate and trying not to touch the crystallized floor. But she's like touching all around the suit. She said, I'm sorry, I can't figure it out.

I'm sorry. I can like point you what you want to hit, but I don't know how much help I can be. Huh. Interesting. Yes, please. Stand me up. Okay, yeah, she sort of wraps herself around your arms, and then it's like you're wearing a jetpack, a Noel-shaped jetpack, and she kind of floats you and stands you up.

Now swing me at him. Okay, are we going to make a, okay, are we going to make it? All right. We're taking a lot of liberties with what can be considered in action in Dungeons and Dragon's Fifth Edition, but I'm very much into it. Yeah, let's say this is a melee attack. Well, here's what we'll do. I'll roll for Noel. You roll for Magnus.

Uh-huh. We'll take the lower result. So it'll be like disadvantage except coming from two different attackers. Does that make sense? Yeah. We'll put your same modifier on it, though. I rolled a 14 plus whatever your modifier is. Okay.

I rolled 12 plus my modifier, which is plus 7, so 19? Okay, either of those is going to be a hit. Okay. So, like, fucking weakened at Bernie's. She just sort of flails your arm towards a, them as you hold on to rail splitter. Launch me. So then I do that.

I can't remember what I do. It's been so long since I hit with an attack. Okay, so we're going to say that that's one-handed. Well, yeah. Yeah. And one tube arm. We're not going to call that two-handed, but... Maybe she put a little spin on you when she let you go.

I would not let her do that. That's a six plus. plus six, a 12. Okay. Next in the order is the Golan. Hold on. Hold on. And I'm going to use goading attack.

When attack lands, superiority dice plus damage equals a wisdom saving throw. On fail, target has disadvantage on attack, not against you. Okay. So that's five plus 12, a 17.

Yeah, that's a hit. No, you have to do a wisdom saving throw. Oh, and I have to beat a 17? Yeah. I rolled an 18. Well, Tits. Yeah.

All right, it is the Golem's turn. Is he about to get... He needs to make a dexterity saving throw, and you need to be 18, as the DC on this one. Okay. 17. It's not quite going to do it. So he's going to take 3D6 bludgeoning damage.

From these tints. From the tentacles. Do you want to roll? that or should I? That's a D4. Do you see how it has four numbers on it? A D6 is like a dice-ass-dice. That's like some monopoly shit. Six, six, six. Oh, God. Five. So that's going to be 17. And he's also restrained. He can use his action to make a strength or dexterity check against my spell save DC. I don't have success you free yourself

That is brutal Okay He's restrained by beautiful Ebony tentacles And I was stroking the length of his body Oh that's somebody's something in that That's somebody's baby Everything is somebody something

That is a big, big hit You actually, you actually As those tentacles just sort of like Whap into him Some chunks of him Kind of fall off Yeah please go ahead before he does anything, that crystal that he broke off of his body earlier starts to shimmy and shake and glow bright white, and then it explodes.

And I need everybody to make a dexterity saving throw, and everybody who is still even a little bit paralyzed has disadvantage on it. He did this? The crystal that he broke off his body. Not great. Wait, oh, oh, okay. 10. Eight. Daddy, did you roll?

Yeah. What'd you get? Wait, wait, wait, sorry. What was the, what was the, it was a dexterity you said? Yeah. Okay. Oh, dexterity. Four.

Okay. 14, actually. Literally everybody failed. Everybody is going to take a lot of damage from this crystal bomb. That's five. That's 13. That is 18. That is 21 points of damage, everybody.

I take 21 points of damage for breakfast. And you, it's like noon now. So that was a lunchtime. Crystal. Well, and that's the problem is I missed my breakfast damage, and that's why I'm not doing so. It's an important lesson, kids. Breakfast damage is the most important damage of the day. How are you doing on damage?

Because you got your, you have a screenshot of your whiteboard. I'm down to 10. Okay, so everybody's not doing great. I mean, I'm still at 46. I got lots of hit points. And I'm a negative 8, so, whoa. We all are doing our best out here. So he has to spend his turn trying to escape from you, right?

Yes. And what are his options? Strength or what? Strength or decks, I think. He's very strong. We'll do strength. Strength, okay, yeah. That is a 21.

Yep. Okay. Yeah, he breaks free from these tentacles. tentacles gone now? They are, yes, he's free. Okay, they, they, they fall off of them, giving him, giving him one last final soft grace. And he blushes, and that's his turn. Big M. Yeah. Your turn. I'm casting prayer of healing. Okay. That's a good call. Up to six creatures of your choice that you can see within range, each regain hit points equal to two D8 plus your spell casting modifier. Okay.

So the D8 is the one that fell on the floor. No, it's the one I have in my hand. I should mention Griffin, just to clarify, he is no longer restrained by the tentacles, but the tentacles are still surrounding him. They're in that area, in that area

for a minute, so. Okay, then he moves out of the way of them. Yes. Okay. Yes, he floats backwards a few feet. All right, I rolled a six and a seven. Okay. And my Spellcast modifier is six. Yeah.

So 19. We get 19 points back each. Yeah. And Killian and Kerry get that too. Yeah, I see them too. Yeah. Okay. Taco, it is your turn.

Well, do you have any magic dispelling stuff? I'm like blacked out, right? What? No, he just healed you. Oh, okay. For how many points? 19. Oh, were you below zero?

Yeah. Oh, shit, son. Yeah. Yeah, with that heel, Dad, Dad, saved your goose. Have we done any death rolls before? No, I don't think so. Not a, no, you know, we might have done, I feel we might have won at one point. We did one, yeah, when you got, when Black Spider match.

Yeah, we didn't do it right, though, probably. Yeah, probably. Okay, yeah, Taka, you're back. You, it's a good thing you didn't stand up because you would have fallen right back down when your health went below zero. But, yeah, you have regained consciousness. This is a very turbulent roller coaster of a fight for you. Your heels, by the way, juice, they start from zero. So don't include the negatives in it.

You should be at 19 right now. Does that make sense? I should be at what? You should be at 19 right now? Yeah, when you get healed, when you're below zero, then you... Hey, when you took that big hit from the crystal bomb, you didn't go to half of your health underneath, half your max health health underneath it, right?

Like if your max health is 40, you didn't go to negative 20. No. Okay, good, because that's an instant. death. No, yeah. No, I did. That didn't happen to me. I was at negative 11 and my max is 50, so I'm good on that front. That's probably closer than you should do in the future. Yeah, I mean, ideally I won't fall below zero. Yeah, I don't think he was planning on getting hit by 21 points of damage from a fucking crystal bomb, Griffin. Yeah, next time we go on a fucking undersea adventure, I'll be sure to bring a cleric. Uh, you're welcome. Uh, what's you going to do? Tacco, do you have any

dispelling magic. No, I don't actually. I don't have that in my old repertoire. Just sex tentacle based. Just sort of 50 shades of gray, like... Do the thing you did with the

motorcycle, but make him tiny. Um... Hey, wait a minute. I do have a spell that could help Travis who can't move his legs. Okay. If Travis can't move his legs, then I shall create his legs. I raise my hand into the air and I summon Gerole.

Gerold! arising from below Travis are four beautiful, magical purple legs that seem to shimmer with a rainbow and out of nowhere materializing in air are two beautiful horns and like the voice of God echoing through the room and sending trickles of urine down the leg of this crystal gallum are the words, yo, what's up? Let's do it. Go, Carol. Okay.

Noel was kind of, yeah, Noel was starting to give up the ghost a little bit, holding up your full weight, Magnus. So this comes as a relief to her, and she sort of releases you from her grasp and floats off a little bit. And you are now mounted in combat, full-blown brand-style. This is going to make the cover of the paperback. Right here. Yeah. But I must, I gotta, again, I do have to drive this point home.

You are slumped over this horse. He can move you around, but you are very much, uh, uh, kind of dead weight on it. I'll take it. You have a little, okay. Uh, is that all for your turn, Taco? Yeah. Okay. Magnus, it is your turn. Okay. I see. This attack is going to be possibly the funniest melee attack ever performed in a Dungeons and Dragons game. Gero.

What's up? I want you to leap over him. Yeah, no problem, dog. Just leap over him? Yes. I'm just a regular. I mean, I'm beautiful and powerful. I do have the qualities of a regular horse.

How tall is the gallum driven? This gollum is about eight feet tall. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. You could do that. Yeah, steeple chase that bastard. Yeah, I see where you're going with this. And I love it. But no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm good.

You want me to run you past him or whatever? Yeah, do that. Try to just freak him out or something. Yeah, that's no problem. Here we go. Okay, if we're doing this and you're going to be doing a moving attack past him, then I'm going to call that an opportunity attack that he gets on you if you're moving past him. No, no, no. Here's what I'm going to do in actuality.

Since I'm on, Gailel now, I'm going to delay my turn till after, until after, Merle. Can I do that? I know where you're going. You're going to delay your turn after... Okay, but the horse can't move you if you're delaying your turn because I was counting his movement as your movement. I mean, cool. I'm mounted and I can move around. Okay. You're delaying your turn until after Merle. Yes. Okay. It is the golem's turn then. The golem picks up, he's sort of standing on one leg. He lifts his left leg into the air and And he brings one of his arms down on that leg, and two pieces of him come off this time that are now sort of flanking him left and right. And they are both glowing white. And for his attack, he is going to take another stab at Merle.

Sorry about this. I know this probably seems a little bit unfair, but, you know, works work. That's a crit. Yeah, you didn't scope that out. if you want. I see it. Merle, you take... Oh my God. Wait, hold on.

Can I force to re-roll with my protection shit? I... Maybe. Yeah, let me look. Hold on. You guys are pretty close together, and this is a melee attack. Yeah. When a creature you can see attacks a target other than you, you can use your reaction to impose disadvantage on the attack roll.

Okay. You must... All right, we will say that you fucking, like... slump your dead left arm over and throw the shield of memories to like sort of block the first attack as the second one comes in and is a fucking two which is not going to hit with modifier so yes his first attack looked incredibly powerful but the shield as he sort of dropped it to the floor deflects it away and his second one misses heartily and he goes I don't even know how that worked out like with physics

Me neither. I'm like trying to figure out how that worked, and I can't seem to make sense of it. But that is his turn. Merle. I can do dispel magic again, right? Yeah, sure. I'm dispelling that magic on Magnus. Okay.

You still got a roll to contest it to beat a 13. Oh, I got it in my hands. Oh, that's not good. It's a two, Trave. Okay. With my modifier, though. With your modifier of 11. No, it's not.

It is an 8, but it's still not good enough. Yeah Magnus, you still want to take your turn now? Maybe it'll free them up a little bit. Couldn't it have just like a couple of degrees? Maybe like one arm. One arm. Maybe he had one arm free.

You have wrist control now. Wrist. Wrist control. Cool. It's all in the wrist, Travis. I can be smarter about it. I have a skill called commanding strike. Oh, okay.

use one attack to command an ally to make a weapon attack add superiority died to damage. So which one of you... It's probably Merle, right? Yeah, Merle's got the battle wrench. Yeah, Merle, attack. Can we... This is just a request to people who are Merle.

Can we just like, fuck, maybe we should attack that crystal? That's what I was going to say. Should we... Well, there are two of them now. Yeah, it seems like those... Could I take one big swing at both crystals? Wait, holy shit. Hold on.

Hold on. How big are the crystals? They're not that big, actually. They're about the size of like your fist, kind of jagged. Cool, cool, cool. Merle. Yes. Wait, who's next?

Taco's next? Yeah. Yeah. Taco, in my pouch. Get the glutton's fork. Okay. When I get a chance to, for sure. Okay.

That's my turn. Okay. Okay. You're just sitting on this horse who's like, I imagine at this point, Geryl would be like, did you need me for something? Oh, okay. Well, hold on. And then also, you know, Meryl attack one of the crystals.

I was halfway through season two of Daredevil, guys. Come on. All right. Just picking up. So 17. Yeah, that's going to be a hit on the left one or the right one. Could I knock one into the other? No, because he's standing in between him.

Shit. Okay. I'll use my plant side, so that will be the... Yes, yes, yes, yes. Your dominant hand, your right hand. I hit the one on the right. Okay. With the battle wrench.

Okay. Go ahead and roll damage. Plus your strength modifier. That's, uh, yeah, it's not very much damage, but it's enough to shatter this thing, uh, and it falls harmlessly to the floor. Uh, next in the order is Taco. Uh, how close am I to Travis's bag? Uh, I mean, you guys were,

literally standing right next to each other when you went down and you haven't really moved much. He is up in the air with he's up on garril but you can easily stand up and reach him. Okay. I'll grab the fork out of the bag. Okay. I don't know what this thing is.

I don't remember either. So I bought it at the fantasy Costco. Once a day, the fork will allow the user to eat any non-magical item they can fit in their mouth and gain 2D6 points of damage. Just tap the fork on the item and it will turn edible. but isn't that magical well poop

I mean it's a floating crystal if that's not magic I don't know I think we made up I thought what he meant by non-magical item was like an enchanted sword or shield or something yeah no that's the non-magical items are things that can't be destroyed like a magic sword can't be destroyed

but I'm yes this yes yes yes yes to all of this now I'm going to say what you just said but in character Use the fork Eat the crystal You'll feel better Luke Use the fork

The fork will be with you Always No I do want it back It won't be I will want the fork back Okay are you doing this taco Are you doing this thing? Hell yes I am

Okay I Hmm Yeah I don't think you're gonna need I was trying to think Is this a fork-based attack? No, you can just kind of plug that bad boy in, and you're doing this into the crystal piece that's floating,

not the Golem himself, right? Yes. Okay. All right, yeah, you plug it into this fifth-sized floating crystal in the air, and as you do, your fork slides in as though you are piercing a bread roll. As you do, actually, you realize this particular piece of crystal. It's actually part of Merle's former arm. Oh, crap!

As it turns in, but it turns into like one of those fucking awesome red lobster cheddar Cheddar rolls. Okay, so I take a big bite and what's it taste like? It tastes fucking incredible. It tastes... Describe the taste of Merle. There is a... Would you say a pecanter?

Yeah. It's super buttery, super buttery, super, super soft, super buttery, super flaky. It's like there's a sweetness to it, like there's some sort of sweet. element, like a brown sugar maybe in the butter. But it feels, it actually, it's weird because, like, it wasn't cooked. You magically transformed it into, like, some sort of edible material. So it should be, like, a meal ready to eat. But actually, it's, like, soft, like, it just came out of the oven.

Damn, I'm delicious. It's fucking incredible. It's really, really tasty. And it goes down real smooth. Okay. I, uh, I pop the whole thing on my mouth. I'm loving it. Butter, pop, blah.

Hey guys, it's a good time for the great taste of Merle. It's a happy Merle. Dad, I like that a lot. Proud of you. The Golem takes a... Wait, hold on, he gets 2D6 health back. Huh? For the glutton's fork, when you eat it, you get 2D6 points of health back.

You're saying, Mirl, eating Murl in particular, take this bread. It is his body. It is a sort of healing, like, you get two Duxin's a little bit. sort of healing like transubstantiation quality to it. All right. Four and three. So it's seven points of healing. Okay.

Delicious, delicious, delicious mural healed me for seven points. The Golem, who looks pretty worse for wear after the last round of combat. And now having sort of taken, breaking, broken parts of himself off, he's actually looking really worse for wear. And he also takes like a step. back from you, like, kind of staggered. And he's like, what the fuck is wrong with the three of you? You guys are fucked up.

That's some, that's some sick shit. Oh, God. I've got to regroup. You will, I promise you, the next time we meet, you're coming with me. I'm taking you in. Why? He says, you know why. I don't, actually.

I really don't. The Golem form falls apart, collapses on the floor, and you watch the white. fire portion of him, uh, passed through a rift behind him and, uh, disappear. We won! I think we actually just legitimately want a battle, you guys. I think we did. Yeah, he was, uh, he definitely did a expedient retreat, but he was, uh, I mean, between the parts of him that you, that he broke off and crystallized and that the tentacles ripped

off, uh, he was, he was falling apart. So now can Merle just like dispel magic willy-nilly? Uh, you gotta burn a slot. Uh, yeah, let's, I mean, you guys can take a short rest to recover. Oh, hey, let's give the pocket spa. That sounds like... Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. You should help. You drag the still paralyzed members of your party into the pocket spa and luxuriate and relax and recover some health in a post-battle debriefing. Are there monogrammed bath robes? This is important. In the pocket spa?

Yeah. I mean, they'll just say the letter T, right? They're more just like loincloths, really. They're more like... Yeah, more like, more like loincloths. You just drape around your crotch. Can I steal those like I stole the robe from the Sofetel in L.A. to get charged at Griffin's room.

Yeah, that's fine. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'm sorry about a lot of things. But you know what I'm not sorry about is all that money we're about to get. All right, while we're in the pocket spa and just kind of sitting and relaxing for a bit, Griffin appears to us. And we start talking out of character. I want to tell you all about the Max Fund Drive.

We've talked about it last week. You talked about it on all the other shows that we do. Certainly you know about it. But if you don't, we are part of the maximum fund organization. We are a pledge-funded organization. I know we also do ads on the show. I've seen a lot of people be kind of curious about that. The amount of money that we get from ads and the support that we get from ads

is like a quarter of how we fund the stuff that we do. Most of the money that we get from the shows comes from donors. and that money allows us to yesterday. I went to a local reputable store in town and bought a whole second recording setup so that I can... Because I'm here. Because dad's here. And when we were preparing for the bonus episode, I bought all kinds of D&D books and did a shit ton of research and work that was funded by donations from listeners like you. We spent tons of money.

I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes on episodes where we... goof them up. But we spent a bunch of money on new recording equipment. We have hosting fees. That's how we're paying to have our nose hairs removed in a few minutes.

I'm so excited about that. And that's really going to improve the audio quality on future episodes. Well, yeah, everything's a right-off. Yeah, that's going to sound like fucking McConaughey once we get the network of...

And if you donate five... If we get 5,000 new and upgrading donors, we will send you the sticks that they use to rip out dads. It's going to be some fucking Lovecraftian like nightmare stuff

happening on that stick. Anyway, we do stuff like live shows. We fund those live shows with the money that we get from the podcast. We've expanded it. Done more podcasts. The Adventure Zone is a like experimental podcast we did that we are able to spend as much time on making it. And I'm able to spend as much time on like doing the music and all that stuff because of the, you know, the financial support we get from from you guys. So there's definitely like a your money goes to us. And it is some of it helps support the network. But whenever you donate, you get to pick your favorite shows. And by picking those shows, like you are directly, directly sending your support to those shows. So, so can somebody, anybody, start walking me through what these different donations levels are and what they'll get

our sweet listeners. All right. So you mentioned the $5 a month, Ditto. If you do $5 a month, you will get access to bonus content that will blow your mind out of your face. You will be sitting there and you'll think, oh, a couple episodes to listen to you, and then you'll click on the link you get sent and you'll be like, oh goodness, what am I going to do with all this bonus content? You'll feel like a bonus content hoarder. You'll worry about stacks of bonus content falling over and crushing your cats. That's how much bonus content will become available to you for $5 a month. You get bonus content for every podcast on the network in perpetuity.

So all the bonus episodes we've ever done across all the different podcasts. We got three bonus episodes for the Adventure Zone. We have one prequel episode where our heroes meet. and square off against the team of heroes. A lot of people are like new donors this year, and I've been tweeting about a particular character from an episode named Hambone that I forgot about that. Shit, I forgot about Hambone.

I love Handbone so much. We also have our LA Podfest episode, which was a side story where they go on a beach vacation, and then this year we have the Adventure Zone Knights, a whole new universe, new characters, new adventure, knew everything that was DM by Travis. So you get all that just for being a $5 a month donor. Justin, what can we get for $10 a month?

Well, and not only that, as long as we're talking about the bonus content, one, the Adventure Zone N-I-G-H-T-S, just in case anyone is wondering. That's important. A lot of people are asking. And two, if we hit that 5,000 new and upgrading donors, we're going to put out more of those bonus content throughout the course of the year. So you'll get more episodes of the Adventure Zone Knights if we hit that 5,000 goal. Yeah. And thank you for saying bonus donor or not donor.

bonus boner because that's well i've been saying um donors bonus a lot and now i just want to say bonus um at ten dollars a month you're of course going to get the bonus content for five bucks uh that you get the five dollar level but you're also going to get a bandana featuring art from your favorite maximum fun show uh you could get the adventure zone it's really cool with lots of like in joke references to the show uh or you get you know any show you want our future feelings won't be hurt. We're not, you know, you know us. Come on. Yes, they will. Dads, dads will be hurt, but that's just him. Yeah,

mine will be hurt. At $20 a month, they're, by the way, they're very cool. They're sick. You can check them all out. You know what? Just go to maximum fund.org or for it slash donate, and you'll find a link there to look at all of the, uh, the bandanas. All the bananas. Um, you got a $20 a month level. At $20 a month, you will get, of course, the bandanas, the bonus episode content. You'll also get the MaxFun and Venture Necessity Collection.

This is a, uh, a package of, of, I guess, camping gear, or like wasteland survival gear. Or like a multi- Or like boring party gear, too. I mean, there's some fun stuff on there for everyone. Shitty boring party that doesn't have toilet paper. Good news, there's toilet paper, portable toilet tissue in this pack. There's a hot chocolate packet.

There is a paracord bracelet that I think turns into rope. You can use that to like hog-tie a cattle or something. And there's a multi-tool with the Maxone Rocket logo on it. A lot of outdoor. or necessities. Can dad talk about a level? He's really good at it. Yeah, dad, tell us what you get at $35 a month.

Be careful, though. Be careful. Well, at $35 a month, you get a vacuum thermos. Now, this is vacuum with two U's in it. That is how you spell vacuum. Vacuum. And that's with a travel. It would be Vakum otherwise.

It would be with a travel tumbler or a tavel trumbler, since we're really going all Norm Crosby on this stuff. Also... Let me just turn out of the fucking flop house. And all the stuff Sound like other words Hey, I like those guys I didn't used to

$5, and you still get the stuff from $5 you still get the stuff from $10, you still get the stuff from $20. But with 35, the vacuum thermos with the traveled tumbler. So if you're traveling somewhere, you want to take a tumble, boom, there it is. You get up to $100 a month, get this now.

Well, hold on. I want to tell you a secret. Oh, please do. there's a secret $50 a month level for upgrading donors so if you're not ready to make that jump

from 35 to 100 I get it that's a pretty big jump you can go from 35 to 50 oh you get for that Jesse Jesse Thorne'll make you blondeies

and send to your house I upgraded to that level just so my pod boss would have to make me a dessert I did that too take that Jesse see me blondies

dance for me Petition Tienhorn The good bake Now do you get the blondies At the $100 level too? I assume so Maybe, I don't know

Anyway If you're throwing Jesse $100 a month He'll bake you whatever you want At $100 a month You can get membership In the Inner Circle Which is our monthly culture club

That means every month One host of one maximum fun show Or three hosts We'll show up at your house And sing Karma Chameleon That's exactly it No, we pick like a movie or a book or an album or something that we really like, and then you will get, you will get it, usually just like a digital version of it.

The only time that we got picked, because, I mean, I think they know that we're relatively uncultured people. We picked the album Music Evolution by the band Buckshot LaFaunc. It's a terrific album. If you missed out on that recommendation, just go Amazon that shit. I guarantee you, you're going to enjoy it. That's at $100 a month. If you really want to support us and you have a lot of money to throw around, how about $200 a month?

That gets to a free registration for MaxFunkCon 2017, which is the annual sort of convention that the MaxFund community does where we do a bunch of fun podcasts up in the mountains somewhere. Have you guys ever put together that like brownies are brown and blondies are blonde? Yeah, homie. Yeah, like think about it, right? and that kind of insight you can only get at maximum fund

on maximum fund fund. We know that a lot of people are like most folks aren't going to be able to do $100, $200 a month. We get that. Definitely we get that. Any amount of money that you can chip into us helps. It really, really does. And if you're unable to do any amount, I get that too.

We've all been in a place where money was tight and, you know, we just weren't able to make a donation. If that's the case, go on Twitter, tweet out the link, maximum fund.org, forward slash donate. use the hashtag MaxFund drive and tell your friends like, hey, do you like these shows? Go support them. Like, we appreciate that.

That means a lot to us. So helps for the word. Help donate if you can. If you like our shows and you can kick in a few bucks a month. We really appreciate it. It's at maximum fun.org slash donate. And yeah, let's get back to the show. All right, you guys are in the pocket spot.

You're all loinclothed out. You're having yourselves a good time. Despite the fact that it's not weird at all. It's up to you guys whether or not. Are we naked? We're not naked. You're loinclothed. up.

Okay. But yeah, you have recovered from the paralysis. And you can take a short rest, by the way, if you want to recover some hit points. I know we don't usually do that. Well, how much time do we have, did it? Are we on the clock for the crystallization of the thing still? You've got about 30 minutes left, so you do have some time still. I believe that the pocket spa is outside of the normal time space continuum.

Yeah, no, you had 40 minutes. And then when you pocket spot, I don't actually remember how much time I said you had. But why don't you take a short rest because you guys need some health. Okay. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. So you roll your hit dice? Oh. Are you looking at your phone while we're recording?

What are you doing? Yeah, this is what I've got my whiteboard on. Okay. Mr. Fancy Fants? That's horse apples. He does it to me all the time. He's checking sports scores. I'm back up to full, baby.

All right. So which one is the D-10? You roll D-8s. Oh. I mean, you roll as many as you want. as long as you have hit dice. All right, a six and a five. Keep going?

Yeah. Yeah, I roll D6. So a lot of people are wondering how many times. I know you at home are wondering how many times. Well, here's Griffin to explain it for you. I got 12. That sounds good, doesn't it? 12's good.

About 12. 12 feels about great, doesn't it? All right, you have per your level. You can roll that many times. Eight? Yes. Okay. Wow, okay. You can roll one of those per

per level. Per wizard level. So you can keep rolling too, Dad. Oh. You can roll up to eight times because you guys haven't taken a short rest this chunk. Great, I'm going back up to 45 hit points.

So I rolled two more times, right? Mm-hmm. Okay, yeah, you guys take your rests. You are having a good, a good chill-out time. I assume like Carrie and Killian are like also recovered from the paralysis. That's what I'm trying. Yeah, yeah, everybody's good to go.

Everybody's like, everybody's rocking in the free world. And you step out of the pocket spa back into the main elevator lobby. And as you approach the central elevator that Lucas went down after paralyzing all of you, you hear Carrie Gasp, and she points at Killian's helmet. And on the back of Killian's helmet, you see a small crack that started. forming after she fell to the ground from the paralysis. And she says, oh, she says, oh, she says, oh, Killian, no, no, you can't go on like that. You can get, you can get some crystal in there.

That's super dangerous. And Killian feels the back of her helmet and says, oh, my God, this is, I'm, I, oh, my God, this is the most frustrating thing that's ever happened. All I've wanted in life up to this point is to find Lucas and destroy him. And I don't think it's safe for me to go on much further with this here crack in my helmet. Do you want to swap helmets? Well, that seems like your sweet head can't get crystallized either, dumb, dumb. It's already pretty thick.

I cast duct tape of Dormammu and seal up her helmet. That doesn't exist yet. She says that's a really sweet. off for Magnus, and it is technically your fault, because, like, we were just about to bust this perp when you started kibbiting. But I, I got to be honest with you guys. I don't think it's that smart for me to get close to the relic to begin with. Oh, that's not your job, right? That's like our job. Yeah, I mean, it's up to you guys to recover that stuff. And I, um, I haven't really told you guys this, but you remember when we met and we, we recovered that gauntlet together?

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. I really wanted to grab it and take it and put it on and get fire, fire powers. Like, I really, I don't know how to describe this. I was like, when you guys ran up and grabbed that thing, I was like, ooh, I kind of wanted to, like, kill you and have it for me. Yeah. Does that make sense? No, we all, we all wanted that. We just didn't. We rose above, and that's the important thing you've proven yourself. No, but I was about to definitely not rise above. Does that make sense? Like, I was like...

You just ran out of time and you got distracted or something. I've been there. Yeah, so I really... I don't think it's that good of a call for me to get in there and grab it. How about this? How about a new job for you? Yeah. You and Noel get the bug bears out of here to safety.

Jeez. Okay, Noel, if it's okay, I'd... I'd kind of like to see this through. I can tell you how to get them out, though. We should be able to figure out a path through the lab to extract you that's not crystallized. But I need to, there's something I need to figure out. Is it math? No, I know all math.

I'm a robot, so I can just like punch that into my windows, sort of my MS-DOS calculator brain. But yeah, I'd like to stick with you guys if that's all right. Okay. Okay, Noel floats over to Killian and, uh, uh, uh, prints out like Conkey's secret word of the day. Uh, a little map of the lab. And then, uh, she pops out a little highlighter attachment from her frame and doodles on it for a bit. And Killian takes it and says, uh, okay, I'm gonna, I guess I'm gonna head out. Um, Carrie, be, be careful. Um, just get these guys to the finish line.

Don't, don't, you know, don't be a hero. Um, and, um, and, I'll see you guys back. Hey, Carrie, if you want to be a hero, I mean, we could use at least one, right? Wouldn't say no. Carrie, don't be a hero. Killian walks back out through the door back, back towards the bug bear encampment and is gone. And Carrie walks over and presses the button to summon the elevator back in the middle of the room. And she says, oh, I feel, I feel, I feel.

considerably less good about our chances now, if I'm being completely honest. But let's do our best out there, guys, huh? I mean, we didn't ask, but thanks, Debbie Downey. When the elevator that Lucas went down shows up and the door's part, there is a metal grate, a heavy metal grate now covering the door as it opens. And there doesn't seem to be any sort of discernible clasp on it. There doesn't seem to be any discernible, like, handle to open it up. there's just this heavy metal grate now covering the elevator.

I open it. Oh, and you do. And wow, shit. Damn, I should have thought of that. No, it doesn't seem to, it doesn't even, like, rattle or move. I rolled a 17 for opening. Okay, it's not. You needed a DC-70,000 in order to open this metal grade.

It's, like, solid. It's, like, not... Could I try? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't get it. I heal both of their hernias. Okay. Yeah, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

And Kerry says, Well, I guess we should just turn back and go home. Mission failed, right, guys? No. Hey, we did our best. Hey, we did our best. No harm in that. All you can do is your best.

I think somebody's been listening to too much adventures. You don't want to be like those guys. You hear a sound come from the elevator, though, from above you, actually. And then you hear, and you see the elevator sort of, shake violently as you hear what I can only describe as a smashing sound

come from above and then there's a quiet passes after this smashing sound comes from on top of this elevator Carrie, good check that out and there's a second smash

and then a third smash I take this opportunity to get my glutton's fork back from Taco Okay priorities Yeah, this elevator is getting like destroyed. This elevator car, I should say, is getting destroyed.

The one with the heavy metal gradeover is getting destroyed. And as more smashes happen, you see that the source of this violent elevator car assault is coming from a bright yellow, what looks like another elevator car. and it is smashing it down and crushing it like a tin can. And pretty soon this locked off elevator car just falls. And replacing it, you see, now appearing in front of you, a bright yellow elevator car with a big bright red nose and two big white eyes on either doors. And he says,

Hey, kids! Does somebody need to go down? It's Mr. Bucket, or whatever his name was. It's me, Mr. Upsi, you're lifting friends. Oh, yeah. I heard a rumor that you kids needed to go to a different floor of the one you're on now. You heard correct. You'll climb on inside my tom-tum, you goose.

People would ask her for guest star for so long, and who would have thought we would get long-dead Fred Gwyn here to play a role? I don't know who that is. I'm just an elevator. Climb on my belly. That's pretty bad. Yeah. Pursimal buttons from inside of me. I get in him.

I get in Why is it so wet in here? Why indeed? I might be metal on the outside, but inside I'm a real living boy. I'm upsy your lifting friend. Upsetting my lifting friend. That's a good joke. Which way are we going, kids?

Down! Let's go down. Oh, down's my least favorite. You find a, in lieu of a proper elevator panel, there's just sort of a fleshy series of nodes next to his door. And you press the one underneath, and he goes, That tickles. And you begin to descend. How's your day going?

He was an invention. Why would someone invent him to do this? He's a genetically engineered elevator. And who'd have thought we'd ever miss Girl from Ipanema playing on the sound system? I could do that for you if you wanted to happen. Yeah. Tall and tan. No, no, no.

Make Griffin do it. The girl from Ipanima's coming to take your stuff inside your house. Here she comes. I haven't heard the song before. You're doing great. Magus, are you still riding Geryl at this point? Yes. As far as anyone's concerned, I hadn't forgotten I was doing that.

I've never had a horse before. You still don't, my little man. I'm just riding inside you. Possession does not figure into it. Yo, are we there? I don't know where we're going, but like, I would like to be of use at some point. You're doing great.

I'm very proud of it. part was that hour we spent in that spa. Oh, wait a minute. How long was it? An hour did I say? No, how long was it, actually? It wasn't that long. It was not an hour. Okay. Um, he says, uh... So what are you going downstairs for? Just general downstairs-y stuff.

Yeah, just stuff not up here. It's stuff down there. Just going down there. Are you going to need a return trip anytime soon? Because I've got my soaps to catch up on. Um, we'll call you. Okay. Not between the hours of four and five-thirty, though. Because of your afternoon sobs? Yeah, my elevator stories.

What I... Are they any good? Wait, are they any good? Uh, they have their ups and downs gone, say it. Thank you, Dad. Thank you, Dad. I don't understand. So what, so I bet, I guess what Griffin's trying to say is we killed that

crystal thing a lot faster than he thought was... His fleshy interior doors open up and you are let out. He makes a barfing sound as you leave his tummy. And he goes, that's another joke I do. Anyway, bye, I love you. The door is shut and he disappears. You have exited out into another sort of lobby area, although this one is a lot smaller than the one that you were just in.

The lab, you noticed when you were outside of it, has kind of a conical shape to it. So it's bigger on top than it is down below. Kind of a Cloud City Bespin thing going on. So there's not as much sort of area down here. But you are now in a much smaller, darker lobby. And as far as you can tell, there's only two doors in this lobby.

This room, by the way, is not Christi. There is a... What are you looking for, Dan? I don't know. Just looking. No, pay attention. Don't read. I'm listening. Okay. There is a very large,

uh, heavy looking, like, vault door that is all sealed up. And it has one of those hand scanners on it that is lit up bright red. Um, and then there is a, uh, an even bigger, um, sort of industrial door, sort of like you would find in a warehouse that that trucks would drive into. And this one is actually sealed up with one of those hand scanners that is green.

Okay. There doesn't seem to be any kind of labeling going on. Noel says, okay, so if Lucas is anywhere, he's gonna be in the main experiment chamber. And that's through that circular vault door. If y'all wanna get a move on and get him. What's the big door? Well, that leads to the robotics manufacturing

center. That one, please. All of the, oh, are you sure? All the rooms on this floor are sort of networked by this robot delivery system. So robots, as Lucas and anybody in the lab needs them, those robots are going to be put together in the manufacturing center. And then we have like a conveyor networking system that delivers those bespoke bots to wherever you need them.

That sounds like a fun room. Yeah, I mean, it's pretty cool. It's like my, for me, it was like my nursery, you know? What do you think, Geryl? I'll be honest. I don't know what you're trying to achieve. I mean, the robot roob sounds cool to be, but the other thing, who's the Lucas? Do you hate him and want to kill him?

What's the story there? I legitimately don't know what you're trying to achieve. You know, it would take too long to explain it because I don't remember. About seven episodes too long, my dude. What do you think, Taco? If the conveyors connect everything, then we could go in the robot room, and it would probably take us to Lucas's room. Do you think? It's right.

But it's right there, she's saying. It's saying it's through the circular door, right? Mm-hmm. Which she's saying Lucas probably is. Yes. All right. Open Lucas's room. Are we trying, can I?

So we're still trying to catch Lucas, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, the hand scanner to Lucas's room. What color is? is it? It's red. And the hand scanner to the robot room is green? It's green. Seemed to me that we can't get through the one with the red hand print. We might be able to get

through the one of the green hand print. Are they close enough together that I can get both hands on them at the same time? Yes. Okay, I do that. You look really cool. Like fly to the Navigator. And then I'm like, hey guys, look, Taco stepped into the quantum leap accelerator and vanished. Remember? From the intro. Guys. I cast gust of wind

to make my hair blow up. Does this help? Guys, remember? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, indeed. Noel takes a stab at the red hand scanner

and can't seem to do anything with it. Now do the robot room. Okay, okay, okay. She puts one of her appendages on the green hand scanner and cracks it. And that large, large, large door slides open. And a gust of smoke and fog pours out of this cavernous robotics workshop. It is a humongous room with a number of really just gigantic pieces of fabrication machinery all around it. And it's all feeding onto this assessment.

assembly line that connects all these different pieces of machinery onto a central conveyor belt that is running into a tunnel at the end of the room. And there are tons of these scrapped robots lying all over the place. This room is like- Magnus goes crazy, just pulling arms, left and right. Hobson arm-boner. Yeah, this would be a good place for you to do that because there's hundreds and hundreds of robots. But they're just like laying all hither and yon. This place is as messy as Lucas's private quarters.

Yeah, so there's a bunch of these scrapped robots all over, just all piled up. What you notice about some of the robots, some of the more sophisticated looking ones, is they have little windows in their torsos. And inside those little windows, you can see what looks like a big glass fuse, kind of similar to the one that Noel has in the middle of her chassis behind another window. And Noel's just kind of like looking at these robots with these fuses in their chest And it's kind of like moving them around

With her arm and just kind of looking them over They're her brothers and sisters Um Hey Noel Any thoughts you'd like to share with us in this moment No I haven't I haven't actually been in here In a while I don't know what most of these are

I don't know what's going on with most of these Uh-huh But we should, let's get a move on. Let's go through, that tunnel is the robot delivery system, so we can go through there, and that should be able to get us into the main experiment chamber. I'm going to roll a perception check to see if any of these robots stick out to me in particular. And I'm going to roll an insight check on Noel.

Okay. 16 for me. I would not do great. Yeah, the only thing you can kind of put together, Taco, is that not all these robots have these little fuses built into them. And the ones that do have more sort of vaguely humanoid appearances to sort of compare them, the ones that you see all laying around with the fuses, as compared to Noelle.

Like, Noel, like I said earlier, is kind of like roughshod. She's kind of put together of all these different component parts, constituent parts. A lot of these robots are kind of approaching sort of a human, look to them. And you can kind of put together that, like, if anything, Noel was sort of a prototype to whatever these are. I rolled it to you. Okay, you, Noel is a robot.

Got it. Can we maybe take some of those fuses? They're actually, like, embedded in the torsos of most of these things. So you'd have to take, like, the whole thing, and it would be pretty cumbersome. Hey, Noel. I noticed that you have a few. sort of fuse-looking thing similar to some of these other robots. Yeah. What's that all about?

I mean, it's just one of my power units. I don't know. I don't actually, I don't actually know that much about my own sort of, you know, my own sort of machinery, but, yeah, Lucas has always just told me that it's just another power source inside of me. So, um, we should, guys, we should really get a move on. No, wait, wait. We don't have that long. Noel? Noelle, look at me. Look at me, Noel. Yeah. I'm looking. You're better than any of these damn junky robots.

Well, I'm the only one floating, I guess. That's right. So don't be looking at them and getting sad. Okay. You are my special angel. Magnus goes through the door on Geryl. Geryl, onward. Okay, yeah, you move into the tunnel.

It's actually dark as fuck in here. There's like no lighting whatsoever. And this conveyor belt is not running. There's like nothing running in this room. It's quiet. As you go through, Noelle actually powers on a, a little flashlight in her body and is helping you all look around.

What color is it? Lavender. You really caught me off guard with that. I know. But you recovered nicely. And yeah, she's walking you through this tunnel. And it's still quiet, although you hear what sounds like sort of a low-pitched wind coming from in front of you as you moved down this tunnel. She says, all right, I should be able to get us.

There's a few twists and turns we need to make, but shouldn't be. too complicated. And almost as soon as she says that, you see a light in front of you, what looks like a floating ball of light in front of you that appears from around

a corner. And then you see a second, and then a third ball of light. You see three floating balls of light, and they fly at you fast. But they don't collide with you, they just kind of pass over and around you, and as they do, you hear what sounds like this sound of like men like moaning sadly as they fly by you and move through the tunnel back into the robot factory. Oh, snap. I might have just figured out what those fuses are for. From behind you, where the lights went, you see three shapes appear in the tunnel behind you.

And they are three humanoid robots. One is sort of massively built, kind of gorilla-like. Another is much more slender with what looks like a cannon for an arm. And another one is very short and has what appears to be like a bunch of wires sticking out of it. and they all run at you and once they get within sort of spitting distance they stop and you hear all three kind of laugh and one of them goes

oh my god I can't believe it's you guys oh my god I can't believe I get a second stab at this uh that's the one that the big gorilla looking one says that and the one with a can for an arm goes Oh, yes, this is going to be a lovely little rematch, isn't it? And the short one with the wires sticking out of it says, That's right, motherfuckers. It's time for round two.

I said I'd smell you later. Consider yourself smelled. Hey, thank you so much for listening to this episode, and we just want to make one more plea. There's only a couple more days left in the Max Funn. Fund Drive, as you're listening to this. And it would really, really help us out. The Max Fund Drive is literally the only reason that we are able to do the Adventure Zone.

It's the reason that we started doing it is because we knew that you kind people would support us in doing it. And it made it make sense for us to make room in our lives for it. Yeah. It is a huge undertaking, specifically by Griffin. but also also to a lesser extent us but we're able to do it because you all have our backs every time and thank you for that first off because it's a lot of fun to make and a lot of people seem to enjoy it.

We could use your support no matter how much you are able to give. Just go to maximum fund.org slash donate. You can find out all about all the different rewards you can get and gifts you can get for the different donation levels. Again, $5 a month will get you all the bonus content. you'll get three bonus episodes at the Adventure Zone. They're all really super great. I'm really proud of them.

But there's also bonus episodes of my brother, my brother, and me, and Sawbones and Bunker Buddies and all our shows in there. $10 you get the bandana, $20, you get the survival kit. $35. You get the vacuum thermos. Vacuum. The vacuumum thermos. Thank you, Daddy. Yeah, lots of stuff in there.

But really, the only, the important thing is that you just give whatever you can and support us and allow us to do more dumb shit like this. There's a couple other important things we want to mention before. we let you go. One, if we hit that 5,000 new and upgrading donors, Dad and I are going to get tattoos. Yes. Adventure Zone tattoos, so keep an eye out on that. Two, there are challenged donors. So no matter what level you give at, there are people that have committed to giving, you know, a little bit extra anywhere, I think, from like a penny to like a dollar per new and upgrading donor. So every little bit helps. Every time you upgrade or donate, we're going to see a little bit extra money for them. Also, there's a live streaming Jordan Jesse Go episode on Friday the 25th, so you can tune in and watch that.

I think I'm going to be on it. So don't miss that. And you can tweet with the hashtag toast to Max Fun, the reason people should support Max Fun and the link Maximumfund.org. Ford slash donate to be entered into a drawing to win one of John Hodren's favorite Breville products. And I'm betting it's a toaster, but don't quote me on that. And also, I am rapidly approaching retirement age. And I have no savings. Nothing at all.

Any kind of pension. I mean, I'm going to be living on the street eating cat food. So please, please. Make it good cat food. Make it good cat food. I like the chunky. I like the salmon based. So please, only you can make this happen.

That's it. We will see you in two weeks. Next episode is up on April 7th. So we'll talk to you then. Bye.