The Adventure Zone - Ep. 37. The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Nine

Episode Date: April 7, 2016

It's going down. Our heroes have a thrilling showdown with three of their most deadly, most dead foes -- but will they fare as well in Round Two as they did the first time around? Taako defies gravity. Magnus adds to his collection. Merle learns the basics of the Cleric class. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. Abrako, fuck you. I cast magic missile out of. I'm going to die now. And you don't see you Jenkins anymore. He is gone. He has been deposited out of the back of the train. You hear him go, smell you later.

And it is Marvy, the only surviving member of the Hammerhead gang. You bring the axe down on him. He spins a full 360 degrees. And then he falls to the ground dead. Through that window, you can see what appears to be a pretty large glass cylindrical fuse, which illuminates whenever this thing talks. My name is Noel. I might have just figured out what those fuses are for.

You see three shapes appear. One is sort of massive, massively built, kind of gorilla-like. Another is much more slender with a, what looks like a cannon for an arm and another one is very short and has what appears to be like a bunch of wires sticking out of it. Oh my God, I can't believe it's you guys. Oh, yes, this is going to be a lovely little rematch, isn't it?

That's right, motherfuckers. It's time for round two. Can our heroes claim victory? once again against their old nemesies? I don't know. I haven't listened to. Don't spoil it for me. It's the adventure zone.

I think we should kick things off with a little bit of initiative. I think we should take initiative in this new podcast episode of recording. I'm excited. This is my first time rolling my new dice. Oh, what are they? Whalebone? No, I got a beautiful,

translucent green emerald kind of thing. Don't think it got stank on them. You got that elephant, dick bone. carved. And I rolled a 15. Good start. Good work, size. I rolled a 15, but I roll another one.

That's 17 total for me. Oh, right. I rolled a 15 plus nothing. It's 12 for Chaboy. Hmm? 12 for Chaboy. Chaboy gets 12. I just wrote 12.

That's not your name. Your name's Taco. Yeah. All right. Okay. How are you guys doing? Well, I roll four different initiatives. Good, good.

I think they could just round up. And the rules, the official rules, I think you can just round, average them, right? Yeah, sure, why not? So first in the order, well, before we do anything, these robots are just kind of cackling maniacally at you. I cackle right back. A backle. Okay.

Now you're having a cackle battle. A cackoff. The one with a cannon for an arm says, I've got to say, I am so psyched for this rematch. I have been looking forward to this for, well, since I was vanquished. And I got to say, I'm so glad to be here with you two bros. My two main men, Jenkins and Marvie, I'm just so psyched to have this opportunity to whoop some,

to whoop their rudipo asses with you. So let's just have a good clean fight. and may the best robot win, I suppose. Magic B? Yes. Brake. Are you a ghost in the machine? It would seem that way.

You kicked me very good. I remember the following. I cast a magic missile at Utah and then you cast one back at me and our friendship, our budding friendship was betrayed. I thought that we might have a good thing going. and I, he reaches, well, he can't reach into his pocket. If I was still living, I would have reached into my pocket and shown you, I had, I was, I had a wedding invitation for you to come to my marriage ceremony. Awkward.

And I, instead of RSVP to it, you murdered me. What's death like? It's pretty chill. You go over there and you're like, you just kind of float around in a big pool made up of, like, the sort of collected memories of everyone. one who's ever lived. It's like, it's pretty chill actually, but I prefer living and, uh, you know, I was so close to getting my hands on that's, that sweet, sweet Phoenix fire gauntlet. So, um, you know, daddy's got to get his. I mean, you guys could just go away now. You got these new robot bodies.

We don't have to fight and kill you again. As good as that sounds, I would love to get back to my usual sort of emo, my daily routine. I, I have a beautiful garden that I need to go. go back and tend to. I have some begonias that... Oh, no. What's wrong? Nothing. Your garden is great. How would you know how my... Oh, you've been tending to it since you murdered me?

It seems like the least you could do after getting my ass thrown off the back of a moving trade is sea to my plants and my begoias and my fruits and my lilies. They're all fine. Are we fighting or what? Jenkins says, oh, yeah, we can, let's move on to that. I'm actually... I feel like, listen, I'm not here to dictate the narrative,

but I feel like we've really explored your individual arcs pretty thoroughly. I'd like to get to the part where I shoot you in the chess with an arrow. It's too bad that you're going last in the initiative order then. Jenkins actually goes first. He beat a 17? Yeah, Jenkins left ass. Jenkins is this little robot kind of spherical that it kind of looks like a fry guy a little bit except he has all of these like individually moving waving wires and then his like fuse is sort of embedded in the middle of it and you can see it behind a little circular window

and his fuse starts to glow really brightly and some sparks start to shoot off of all those different wires that are poking out of his spherical body. And this, uh, this weird wave and kind of like, uh, a, uh, supersonic sound comes out of him.

And, uh, I'm going to need all of you to roll a wisdom saving throw. Uh, Griffin, real quick, before I do that, with the shield of memories.

Yeah. Does this count as robots, which I have told the shield about before? Yeah, this would count as robots. Uh, uh, three for me.

Oh my Jesus, Justin. Yeah, not good. 23 for me. A 12 for me. Holy shit. Okay. 12 is good. The good news is in the top 50%.

Yeah, the good news is that Merle and Kerry cleared their saving rolls. This spell didn't seem to have any effect on Noel at all. The bad news is that Taco and Magnus, you have been confused. Well, what else is new? This is a fun spell, and we're going to resolve it when we get to your turns. In fact, let's go ahead and get to the resolution right now, because Magnus, you're up next. Before you do anything, my friend, I need you to roll 1D10. That's a 10.

Oh, shit. Okay. You can act and move normally. Yeah. What was the deal? What was I trying to do? Well, let's not ruin it. Let's not ruin surprise.

Okay, all right, cool. I'm going to charge the gorilla one. Okay. And I'm going to try to axe into that panel in the front with a fuse in it. Okay. So yeah, I guess I'll just like two-handed rail splitter that shit. Okay. That is not good.

That was a critical miss. Yeah. You bring your axe down. You sort of do a horizontal hard chop. And that glass is made of way, way, way, way sturdy. stuff than you thought. It's basically like the shit that they put in those big tanks and aquariums. And you don't even, you don't even leave a scuff mark on that shit. Okay, well, time to try again with my second attack. Okay. That's a lot better. That's a 19 plus 7, 26.

That's a minute. No, I'm just kidding. That's a hit. Yeah, go ahead and roll damage. I'm also going to use goading attack. When attack lands, dice plus damage equals wisdom, saving throw, on fail, target has disadvantage on attack, not against you. Okay. Well, yeah, I'll do the damage first. Yeah, roll that first. 1D10 plus six. That's another 10.

So 16 damage. Okay. And then it would have to be a 22 wisdom saving throw. Well, that simply won't happen. I mean, Marvin was not a smart man to begin with, and now he's inhabiting a giant gorilla robot body. Yeah, no Okay, so 16 damage

And then Disavantage on an attack, not against me Okay, I'm gonna actually demand that you say something To goad him While you hit him Hey, do you remember how easy it was To kill you the first time? I plan on doing that again.

Yeah, you chop me And we threw your body off a cliff Off a cliff, your loved ones will never find it They probably have no idea you're even dead Hold the phone Because right now what you just said that was racist because I know me and Barbara sounded alike, but I'm Marvin. Bob, listen, Bob, listen, Bob, Barbara told me the raw deal you gave him when we were over on the other side, and it was rough stuff.

How did we kill you? I don't even remember. You didn't throw me off a cliff for nothing. I'm too tough for that. You cut me in half. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, it didn't register. It wasn't even that big.

It wasn't even in my top 10 kills. Well, let's see if I can make a mark. In that book on my, in my, what? Fuck, hey, fuck you. Travis, you're fighting pulpl or mole cop right now. Did I do any specific damage to the glass panel? Yeah, you left a big cracket in it. You didn't get all the way into it.

And there doesn't seem to be any kind of like soul juice leaking out of it. But you did crack it. Great. next in the order is um, Marvey, uh, who says, uh, you know what? Let's, uh, let's actually see if we can't start right. Let's see if we can't.

Let me get my pin out and dip it in the old ink well and start writing down something in my book. Hey, I'm doing my best out here. Um, he, uh, rears back, uh, one of his giant fist. This fist is like the size of your torso. Uh, his, his, his, This frame, like I said, is like heavily armored, very tank-like. He's got these two sort of small bent legs that is not really holding up his frame as much as his like two arms with these two giant fists at the end of him is. And he doesn't seem to have any kind of like discernible head.

His fuse is just kind of right in the middle of his body and it is now cracked. But anyway, he rears back one of these giganormo fish. I don't. And tries to pull with you. When I was selecting that, were you? He hits you for, uh, roll you, rolls at 24. That does hit. Okay.

Uh, he hits you for 18 points of damage. Uh, and he sends you flying backwards, make a dexterity saving throw for me. That's a critical miss. So far not great, new dice. Uh, you, you, you land on your back and you, you slide away. Um, so you are, you are pro. Okay. Next in the order is Merle.

All right. This is the new Merle. This is the new competent. Oh, boy, I'm very excited for this new Merle. Well-read, confident, Merle. I will be throwing spells around like a dog shaking off puddle water. Is this your press conference? Hello, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the new Merle, high church. He casts dispel magic on his friend Taco to try to get rid of this confusion that he has. And with Dispel Magic, you choose one creature. He is a creature, so he chooses him. I doubt that's how he prefers to be referred to, unless that was his nickname in college. It's him, it's Taco.

Any spell of third level or lower on the target? It ends. So, period. That's been cast. I really am, I want to tell you something, Dad. I'm so... You're liking this? I like it.

I'm so proud of you. You're learning how to play the game of Dungeons and Dragons, which is good because we've been doing it for a little over a year and a half now. Yes, sir. Confusion is a fourth level enchantment. Well, I'm casting this in my sixth level slot. You don't, you definitely, definitely don't have that. Defo.

Then I'm casting it as a fourth level Sloth. Because for each spell a fourth level or higher on the target make an ability check using your

spell casting ability. Ha ha ha ha. What is wrong with you? He's so overjoyed that he almost knows what he's talking about. On a successful check, the spell ends.

So, consider the spell ended. Did you roll? Did you roll? Did you do any of the shit? I'm getting ready to do... Yeah, that wasn't that that was a dead misunderstanding. That was him being braggadocious. I'm preparing to do the shit.

Okay. Here comes the shit, everybody. What am I rolling? Exactly. A D20? Shut up, Justin. A D20. And it's a three.

A three on that one. And then I add my spell modifier, which I believe is a five. Six. So it's a nine. You did not. You didn't dispel shit from shit. How about a little? Could I take the edge off of it?

Maybe he's a little less confused. Maybe. No, he's still very, he's still like really super duper, duper confused. If anything, he's more confused because you just saw you waggle your fingers out of a bunch and nothing happened. Literally nothing happened. Highly confusing. Hello.

We do need to resolve the fact that Taco, When you were confused, the spell you were channeling to summon Geryl ended, and he vanished underneath Magnus, which would have been hilarious if we'd thought of it at the time. Okay. Oh, what, give him an exit line. Let Geryl at least have an exit line. Sure. Hold on. Let me come up with something.

Yeah. Okay, got it. Everybody ready? Yep. Peace. All right. Good. I like it.

Simple, straight to the point. Better luck next time, Merle. Yeah. Right. Next in the order. Hey, I'm sorry that Griffin was so mean to you, Dad. I was proud of you. No, I was proud you too.

I wanted that to work out for you. We need to reward our initiative. But that's okay. Next thing, the order is Carrie. Carrie reaches into her pocket and pulls out what looks like a little white pebble that she throws upwards into the air and it starts emitting this flashing light. And it kind of like hangs in the air emitting this strobe light. and your eyes are kind of like naturally drawn to it.

And so are your robotic opponents. And when your eyes kind of adjust as this thing stops blinking and these robots are still kind of looking up at it, you see Carrie almost like hanging in midair with her arms outstretched with two daggers, one dagger in each hand, which she brings down in a cross chop on Marvie's back. and very successfully performs a sneak attack on Marvie for Jesus for 28 points of damage She buries her two blades in his back Should have been a rogue

You see a shower of sparks shoot out of these two wounds giving him almost spark wings and she does a backflip off of his back and lands behind him. By the way, if I may say, good move adding characters who are proficient at combat to our group. Hey, suck a nut. I don't know if you remember one time I kicked somebody out of a train. Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it, Travis? No, but see, I'm actually good at this. Next in the order is Taco.

Do I need to start off rolling a D-10? Yes, you do. Eight. Wow. Okay, with an eight, you are going to use your action to make a melee attack against a randomly determined creature

within its reach. If there's no creature within its reach, the creature does nothing this turn. Cool. So within your reach, let me think. Magnus just rushed up. I think it would only be Merle is the only thing that would be nearby you. Because Carrie just flipped behind the thing and Magnus ran up there.

So go ahead and make a melee attack on Merle. I've been waiting for this. What we got there is... Why am I laughing? It's a 19 plus 4. Gee, money. That's a good... Hey, that's a solid hit.

So were you... No, it's... Were you just bashing him with the Umbra staff? Do you have like a dagger? What were you doing? I was using my short sword. Oh, fuck yeah. Although, if I was confused, would I pull that out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, he's not with it. I pulled out. Murrell's not within five feet of me, is he? No, no, no. Okay. Sorry, Merle. No, that would be too nice. All right. Go ahead and roll damage on that.

Well, here's the good news. His misfortune ends here. That's going to be five plus two, so seven points of damage. Oh, yeah. Melee, not talk of the strong suits. Yeah. Merle, I imagine you would be very confused and upset by this? No, I'm used to it.

I deserve this. Taco just like freaking out in combat and attacking you. Elicits no response except for just sort of a begrudging sort of acceptance. Well, yeah, I knew it was... He assumes that it's my retribution for him, not successfully removing my confusion. Yeah, I knew he was confused. It's quite the heel turn there, Taco. Not my...

I mean, it is fair to say he did know I was confused somehow. So, I mean, he would just chalk it up to confuse. That is, that is fair. Next in the order is Magic Brian. who says, I've been working on my magic missile for a while. Would you like to see it? Oh, you left off a word Merle at the end of that statement.

Oh, no, I wouldn't attack you, Merle. We've got no beef here. Thanks, buddy. Who's ready to see my new and the proof magic missile? I actually am. I say from the ground. I like magic. That's some level one shit.

And he casts fireball. A 20-foot radius sphere. So he's going to kind of point it at the ground in between all three of you. So all of you need to make a dexterity saving throw, and I'm going to say, Magnus, you're going to have disadvantage on this since you are prone. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, Griffin. Good DMing.

Okay. Okay, well, that's another critical miss. Holy shit. Oh, man, stink dice. New dice, you are shitting the bed. Can you burn dice? You can, father. I'm about to switch over to the old greenie.

I rolled 11. Yeah, I got a 22. Okay. Fucking Flipwizard Magoo over there. Actually rolled 19, which I feel pretty good about it. Expertly leaps into the air and avoids a fireball that consumes... Oh, I need to roll for Carrie. All of our fears.

Oh, well, Kerry was behind them, so no, Carrie wouldn't be... It consumes our doubts, and we're left feeling braver and more confident. everything's good now everything's gonna work out okay that's a lot of dice on fireball I know I've heard you rolling before Justin but that's a lot of dice on fireball yeah a lot of dice

oh my god oh my god 24 points of damage who snap oh makes my uh makes my short sort seem like a stiff breeze doesn't it um yeah you are

24 you said yeah on each one of us yeah not me well i'm bloodied oh just barely so magic brian literally like lifts up his cannon arm and like grabs his wrist and fucking cocks it

and then fires this gigantic burst of flame at the three of you taco you uh dodge out of the way and magic brian seems very impressed by that uh but yeah uh magnus you particularly just catch this one real bad you're lying on the on the ground like a

Griffin Like a starter log I have to know Did it singe my sideburns Um No it didn't However

This will be fun Muriel Your hand is a little bit On fire Yeah that's fun That is fun Remember you got that wood hand You got that wood hand

You got that wood hand And that's just like That makes sense to me That feels right in my DM belly Greenwood doesn't burn It's sappy All right fine.

You can blow on it on your turn, or maybe Jenkins will blow on it, because it's Jenkins' turn. Jenkins looks at how bad off Marvie is and casts Stone Skin. Let me tell you what Stone Skin does, because I know you're wondering. It's like a, so let me explain. In this game, clerics can cast buffs on the other members of their party to like make them more survivable and keep them from getting hurt. taking damage or making them, you know, more, it's like a really good thing that clerics can do. This is the first time you're learning this information.

He's not reacting at all. Okay. He's acting like you're not even talking about clerics. The spell turns the flesh of a willing creature you touch as hard as stone. Until the spell ends, target has resistance to non-magical bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage. So all physical attacks, Marvie has resistance to. Next in the order is Magnus. Um, where am I in relation to Magic Brian?

So you got knocked backwards quite a ways. You're about maybe 20 feet away from the three robots. Okay. So I'm going to stand up. Okay. And then I'm going to action surge. And I'm going to charge Magic Brian. Ooh, okay.

So I'm right up on him. Okay, go for it. And then with my attack, I'm going to pry his arm off. Oh, this old fucking chest nut. Well, I just got blasted by his Mega Man arm. Okay. And I want to take his arm off. So I'm not going to let you do that with an attack if you want as an action to try and pull his arm off, but for you to be able to deal damage and...

No, okay, that's fair. Yeah, we'll make it... This is my standard action then instead of an attack, is I'm going to use my crowbar to pry his arm. off. Okay. Yeah, I'll give you, uh, uh, it's going to be a pretty high check, but I'll give you advantage since you have the crowbar thing. Well, that's a 19, plus my strength is a 26.

Uh, pop. Oh, I was just kidding. I can't feel anything, but, uh, it is a bummer. I, uh, and then my second attack, uh-oh. I'm going to hit him with his own fucking arm. Okay. Can you shoot him with his own fucking arm? Oh, can I, Griffin?

Uh, yeah. Please. Please. Yeah, you, uh, yeah, uh, yeah, I'm gonna say he just channeled fireball through that arm. And I don't think you're gonna be able to cast another fireball out of it, but there is definitely, like, this arm is still hot to the touch. Um, and there seems to be like, um, you know how like when people use like a flame thrower and they use it, there's still that little spout of flame that comes out after they're done, done blast off. Yeah, I'm gonna shut that into the glass in his chest. I just went to, oh, okay, that's very cool. I just went to WrestleMania and the rock, had an entrance that lasted about 25 minutes, and it involved him using a flamethrower to set

his own name on fire. That's how I know so much about fireball physics. Yeah, I'm going to put that gout of flame into his chest. All right, you aim it right into his fuse. That's another 19. That's good, because I think that was technically a spell casting check. You cast, hmm, what do you cast? What's fairy fire? That doesn't seem like a thing that you... Yeah, that's like a beautiful light made of fairy magic. Yeah, go ahead and roll 3D10. We'll say this is a very powerful use of the spell firebolt.

Six, one, ten, 17 points of damage. Okay, yeah, you put this thing right up against the fuse in the middle of... of Magic Brian's chest, you fucking cock it and release all of the leftover fire magic in his arm, and you just blast the thing in the middle of his chest. And it does a ton of damage to him. And his, that glass fuse kind of shatters. And the white sort of floating light that was inside of it, pops out and is now floating in between the two other robots. And you hear him go,

well, damn it. I had such big plans. I mean, that was very cool. You blew me up with a robot gun, but I had such big plans for the robot bodies that I had found. I was going to return to my love and we were going to finish our wedding.

But apparently, the best laid plans are mice and men and all that, yes? Yep. I am just going to, just one seconds. Do you mind if I, uh, do you might, this might get a little uncomfortable, but do you mind if I, uh, and then he, uh, this, this white ball flies into the, uh, same fuse that, uh, Marvey is inside in the little wiry ball. And you hear Marvey go, no, wait, I thought Jenkins was in the wiry one. Oh, yes. Shit. Uh, you hear Jenkins say, uh, oh,

Oh, come on your foot's on my butt, and my butt is on your ear. This is clumsy, and there's only enough room for one in here. We're just nuts to butts in here. This is wholly unacceptable. Are they doing kind of like that dance, like when in cartoons, like a squirrel goes into somebody's clothes? That's what I want a picture. And then the squirrel says, we're nuts to butts! And it's like a funny joke because squirrels are nuts and all that.

But no butts to nuts, I'm hungry. Uh, next in the order is, uh, Marvie, uh, do I have to roll to save against your shit against your goading strike? No, you're just, it just is that from now on. Forever? I mean, until the battle's over. That can't be right. Whatever.

Uh, he's going to attack you anyway because you murdered him in real life. Uh, he is going to, uh, charge at you and do like kind of a thunder clap. with your body in the middle of it. Oh, sorry, until the end of your next turn. Okay, well, that's still this turn, right? Yeah. Okay, he rolled a 19 versus AC? Well, that's a tie.

Tie goes to the runner. What was the attack? What kind of attack was it? Hurting. Hurting gorilla slaps. Well, okay, but it's just like he's punching me. He's doing a thunder clap. It would be bludgeoning damage.

Oh, no. points of damage. Okay. Shiklak. Merle, just so you know, I'm not doing great. Yeah, he hits you real, real hard. You feel a little bit woozy after that one. And next in the order is... Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'm going to use my superiority dice

to do Perry. When hit, use superiority dice to reduce damage by D8 plus my dexterity. It's five plus two, so reduce it by seven. So you take eight points of damage. Next in the order is Merle. I'm going to cast Prayer of Healing. Up to six creatures of my choice that I can see within range, each regain hit points equaled to 2D8 plus my spellcasting modifier. and since I'm using my last number four spell slot,

if you're using a spell slot of third level or higher, the healing increases by 1D8 for each slot level above second. Excellent. So an extra 2D8 on top of the normal base amount. And the 6. And the 6. So I'm rolling the D8. It is a 6.

So 4 times 6 is 20. You got to roll all 4. Justin, will you keep count? Well, six, nine, uh, 15, 15, thank you. 17. Okay. 17 plus six, which is my spellcasting modifier. That means 23, and that means each one of my compatriots and myself get 23 points of healing.

I am no longer bloodied. Yeah, I'm sure they appreciate that. Um, okay. Well, I was down to three. Holyo. So shit. Uh, okay. Um, next in the order is,

Carrie who does a little Hey Merle real quick before she moves you should move use your move back get away from Taco he's confused his shit

okay I do that which are you moving towards the robots or away from the robots come towards me I'm moving away from Taco and I'm moving towards Magnus

and I'm kind of hiding behind him a little bit and cowering okay good I have the whole protector thing that I never get to

use. Yeah, I know. Boy, I love this. Teamwork and this strategy. Okay. Carrie does a little gymnastic role to end up right behind the now conjoined Jenkins' Brian bot. And she is going to grab a big fistful of those wires and just kind of drag a knife across him to give him a little rude haircut. That's my favorite Edgar Allan Brown.

post story. The rude haircut. That is a hit. For those of you keeping score at home, Griffin's right now fighting himself. That is true. And he's doing a great job. And she hits them for 15 points of damage. And you hear both Magic Brian and Jenkins yell at the same time. Oh! And maybe I'll edit that to make it so that they both happen at the same time. Or I can use my like, I've been studying Malaysian throat singing. It's this cool new technique. All the kids are talking about it. They do it in Malaysia all the time. Coldplay learned it when they were there.

Studying. Next in the order is taco. Oh, I'm sorry, taco, taco, taco, taco. We should have resolved this last time. Come on. Do it, buddy. You got to roll a wisdom saving throw. You can save out of this. If you do good.

That is a 16 plus... Yeah, you saved. Okay. Oh, thank God. Okay, first off, some apologies. Ardu, to the stabbed parties I have so grievously wronged. I am sorry about that, darling. There's that sweet voice I've missed so much.

You're on the list, Bucco. Hey, bad news for you. I better, you better hope you have a lot of robots, my friend. I have a question for you, my dear new friend. Yes. I'm ready to let bygones be bygones. Just answers this one question for me, Suisse. Suisse?

Sure. If that's French for please. Mm-hmm. Would you like the fish or the beef? At the wedding, you mean? Yes, yes. I'm a vegetarian, actually. So, do you have a third option?

I, um, no. Well, we'll have some sides, some hearty sides, and of course, sweet bread rolls. Um, but I'll send you a link to my registry later. I asked, I had a toaster on that registry, but I no longer think that that will be necessary. And you see a little toaster attached.

pop out of that robot and two pieces of bread pop out of them. So the two robots that are left, how close are they to each other? They are very, very close. These three were standing like shoulder to shoulder. Like emotionally? Well, right now, Jenkins and Magic Brian are like super uncomfortably close. Yeah, I reach into my bag and I pull out a single glass sphere. Okay.

Oh, I'm getting, ooh, I got goosebumps. I said, uh, inside is the memory of the goblin king. Uh, you're not too far off. And I say, you know, you two, uh, remind me of somebody. Who's, who's that? Yeah. You remind me of the babe. Then I throw the glass sphere at them.

It shatters and they float into the air. Oh, shit. There is no longer gravity around them. They don't have gravity. Oh, shit. Oh, God. The, the, okay, this is especially effective on the gorilla row. bot because like I said, like he was sort of all of his center of gravity was based up on his

fists. And now that he does no longer have that, he is like kicking and flailing like a little baby throughout the air. I am scrunching for some punching. The circular wire bot, you see those wires sort of extend and expand and retract trying to like find purchase on this conveyor belt. But it is, it is not doing an especially great job of steadying itself. Cool. Okay. I'm not confused anymore. Pretty much figured it all out. Like life? Yeah. And I scurry back behind.

I run away and hide behind Merle behind Magnus. Okay. You guys, can I say to something? You guys are adorable right now. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin McRoy, your best friend, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your dungeon master. Thank you for listening to episode 37 of The Adventure Zone, working through a bit of a lost voice situation, thanks to WrestleMania, but I'm on the mend, and thank you for your patience and your thoughts and your prayers in these trying times. I want to say a huge, mega, gigantic thanks to everybody who donated to the show during the maximum fun drive. We hope you enjoyed the episode. We're going to be doing more episodes of the Adventure Zone

Nights, the bonus campaign that Travis did an episode of as a donor-only bonus episode. We're talking about how to best do that. We're going to release it to the donors. We're going to do a few more of them before the next pledge drive. So we're really excited to do that. I'm mainly excited because, like, God, like, all I can think about is playing Dungeons of Dragons. I want to play Dungeons of Dragons really bad, but I can't because I got to do,

I got to do this part of it. And thanks to everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the hashtag the Zonecast. That's the Zonecast, the hashtag. If you do that, you might end up as a character on. the show. A character like, well, shit, Jenkins and Marvin and Magic Brian, who's, I can't remember what Twitter names they're named after, could end up as a character like Noel, who's named after Chloe Noel, Clobert on Twitter. We're going to be starting a new arc probably in the next episode or two, and so you'll make sure you get those tweets in now. I'm always looking

for names. I've already got a couple picked out for the next arc. So, yeah, tweet about the show using the hashtag the zone cast and help us spread the word. We appreciate that part of it too. We appreciate you leaving reviews on iTunes and just telling a friend about the show. We don't pay any money to advertise it. So you telling your friends who you think would be into listening

to four people play Dungeons of Dragons. That's the only way we have getting the word out and we really, really appreciate it. Got a few personal messages to read out in this here commercial break. If you want to get a personal message on the show or a message for your small business, just go to maximum funding.

dot or slash jumbo tron you can find out all those hot deets right there this one's for captain brotastic i don't well no let me stop i apologize for saying hot deeds i felt bad as soon as i said it okay captain brotastic this message is for you it's from andrea alice ray morgan the honey swagger and zach and that rogues gallery says to captain brotastic joe congrats you survived another year you dinged let joy be unrestrained and so on. Without your unpredictable, capricious, and invariably excellent RP, our games would be impoverished, and in general, our lives would be mired in insupportable dreariness in Anui. Boundless love from your DM and your fellow skid marks. And hello to Jason Isaacs. What's up, Jason? Hit me up, it's your boy, Griffin. How come you stum me up at the Taco Bell yesterday?

We were supposed to meet a Taco Bell for some reason? I don't know. That didn't. That wasn't going anywhere. Anyway, happy birthday, Joe. I think that's what that message was about. Here's another message. This one's for Ryan, the Supreme DM, and it's from Lydia Knife Fight, Oliver Depester, Gilders Leave the Third, Mill House, De Wood, Tucson Smith, and Dolomite Bat. Fuck, please let that be a D&D party. Or, no, fuck, let it be like a real-life, like, ska band or something. Or maybe a D&D Scott Band. Happy International GM's Day, Ryan. We hope your day is like rocks. I think that was like a month ago, which wasn't ideal. And I wouldn't blame you, dear listener, for forgetting, because my whole family did. Didn't get any presents in the mail.

No special cards, but that's, you know, that's fine. The real gift I get is the time I get to spend with them on this podcast. Happy GM's day, Ryan. And one last personal message. This for Bob, and it's from Chelsea, who says, happy birthday, Bob. I can't wait until this summer when we get to move in together and be the amazing gay sibling duo we were always meant to be. Thanks for always being there for me, and I hope hearing a birthday message from the brothers who you were almost as cool. Oh, no, I read that, I read that wrong, like an asshole. Uh, I hope hearing a birthday message from the brothers who are almost as cool as you is as awesome as I think it'll be. Love your sister. Chung, Chung, Fever, P.S.

nagalog. I can't, I literally cannot tell if this is a foreign language or a coded message or if it backwards, it just said something racist or, I'll just assume it said something racist. I will say happy birthday to Bob and I will apologize to America. That's not me. I don't own that. Hey, if you're a donor to the Maximum Fun Network or even if you're not, go listen to the other shows on the Maximum Fun Network. Just go to maximum fun.org. Go tune into shows like getting curious, like throwing shade, like sawbones. Jordan Jesse Goh. Like, Judge John Hodgman. If you like the stuff that we're doing here on this podcast,

you can go to Macroyshows.com and find all the other shows that we do. We do My Brother and My Brother and Me and Sawbones and Punker Buddies and Can I Pet Your Dog and Schmanters and tons and tons of other podcasts, all at Macquarie Shows.com. That's it for this commercial break. Thank you all so much for listening. And thank you once again for all of your support during the Max Fun Drive. You all killed it.

We smashed our stretch goal completely out of the water. and the Adventure Zone crowd came out in a major way for us, and we really appreciate that support because, again, this show wouldn't exist without the support of the Maxim Fun Network and the people who listen to it. So thanks once again. That's it for this commercial break.

We'll get back to it. Next episode will be up on April 21st. So we will talk to you then. Bye. All right. Next in the order is Magic Brian. All right, let me see if I can control your... Do you mind if I, let me just take control of like Z's.

Can you give me control of like Z's 14 wires? And you can have Z's at 28. You just give me Z's 40. And here, Jink, it's like, yes, okay, God, yes. You can have, let me, let me rewire, let me route you access to, okay, let me open up the packets and the kernel. Okay, fine. You now have access to those 14 wires.

Please use them wisely. Those were some of my favorite wires. He casts haste. The target speed is doubled. It gains a plus two bonus to AC. It has advantage on dexterity saving throws And it gains an additional action Each of its terms

Can you do that, Merle? No Where have you pin? No The components for this I've been begging for extra AC I don't have the components The components for this is fun

Is a shaving of licorice root So I just imagine you like Poppin a little Little Cracker Barrel candy into there And then you The components have been in you all along And then you cast the best buff ever When the spell ends

The Target can't move or take actions until after its next turn as a wave of lethargy sweeps over it. Well, that's kind of a downer, I guess. But it lasts for a minute, which is 10 rounds of combat. Next, in the order, is Magnus. Oh, no, I'm sorry, it's Jenkins. Jenkins still has...

That what? Jenkins still has control. Wait, hold on. Yeah. But it's one creature. Two minds, one body. One heart, two hearts, two souls, one body. One robot, two loves, one love.

Ja! Jenkins says that tied to... bring out the big guns. And his 28 wires all point at you, Magnus, and they spark up, and he cast dominate person as he rolls up a fucking fat

420 blunt. He's trying to dominate your person. Let's go ahead and make that wisdom saving throw that you've been looking forward to this whole time. That is a 20. Welcome back, Travis. You actually have advantage on that role, since you're actively in a

fight with this thing, but you cleared the save. Cool. That, spoiler alert, they added that caveat because Dominate Person is bad, bad stuff. It's your turn now, Mac.

Okay. Remind me, what's the stone skin? Stone skin is they have resistance to melee damage. In addition to that, he also has haste. So he has plus two to AC, advantage on deck saving throws, and an extra action on his turn.

Great, good, great. Great, great, great, great, great, great, great. I am. I'm going to grab those 28 wires And I'm going to swing the Jenkins bot Into the Marphy bot Okay, this is You're just like going through

Making sure you find the The fucking Jenkins wires And like you're like threading Well you said they were pointed at me Yeah, all right, that's fair They were pointed at you from this floating Wiery body That's...

I'm picturing like a fry kid Is that the right? Well, they're called fry guys not fry kids, that would be crazy. Well, they have fry kids. Do you think they're just born, fully formed fry guys? Well, do they reproduce asexually? Do the men carry the children?

I've never asked. Like, sea horses? I don't know, Griffin. What do I need to roll? I roll the 15 plus 7, 22. This would be a throwing attack. And you're just, what's the, I guess the point, what are you trying to accomplish here?

You're just trying to make these two big robots hit each other? Yeah. Okay. This is very power rangers. I'm very much into. it. Make a... Yeah. I want to smash them together. What did you roll?

The attack was a 15 plus 7, because that's my combat, my attack bonus, so 22. Okay, that ties with the buff with the big guy, so you'll do damage above them. Just roll 1D10 plus your modifier. I rolled it 8. Let's say that my damage modifier is a plus 4. Okay, you throw the wiry bot that held Jenkins and Magic Brian into the big old gorilla bot that held Marvy. And as they collide,

the wire bot takes all that damage. The Marvy bot does not, because it has the stone skin, it takes half that damage. And you see the fuse inside of the little wiry bot shatter and explode, and two balls of light fly out of it, and fly into the big gorilla bot.

So now all, you see these three fuse You see these three lights inside of the fuses, the fuse in the big gorilla and Marvybot, and you can't really like distinguish between them anymore. It's just like glowing very, very, very brightly. And you hear just sort of the three of them fighting amongst themselves. Are we in sort of a confined area? Yeah. Okay. Why? I would argue, I wouldn't the gorilla bot take another hit colliding with the wall? The Jenkins bot robot. is like pretty little. It's about shoebox size. So I don't think it would have enough force. It was the tiniest of the three robots. So I don't think it would have enough force to, like, do that kind of like wrecking ball damage to him. All right.

But sort of the force of it hitting it did enough, but not enough to like move it, move it backwards. So now all... But the good news is I get a second attack. Yeah. And now I'm going to punch the shit out of that gorilla bot. Okay. You're just going to punch it? I'm going to phantom fist the fuck out of it.

What, okay. That is... a 14 plus 721. Does that hit? It does not. No, it doesn't hit his stone skin, AC. Would you say I'd still push it, though, because it is floating? Yeah, you push it a little bit, but not enough to, like, kill it. Well, bummer. All right. Marvie is going to take a swipe at you, Magnus. He is floating.

I duck. Okay. Wow, that was easy. No, he is going to have disadvantage because he can't, like, put his feet on the ground and, like, you know, turn into it. That would be a hit. That probably isn't... 16? Nope.

Nope. All right. Yeah, you block his blow away with his shield. Repost! If attacked and missed, attack plus the superiority die. Okay.

That is a 16 plus 723? Yes, that is a hit. Excellent. And then it's just standard melee attack. so we'll say one-handed rail splitter. One plus six, seven plus the superiority.

Three, so ten points of damage. Okay, it does not do very much, again, because of his stone skin, but it is enough to make Marvey bot give up the ghost quite literally as the fuse in his chest explodes and the three ghosts come flying out of him. and Magic Brian says

Oh, good going, Marvie. You really proved yourself there, Arnold. Good going, good going, strong man. And Marvie says, hey, I did my best, okay? I'm a dead guy inside of a robot. I'm new. I'm learning my body. I'm going through robot puberty.

I'm learning all kinds of stuff about myself. Are you there? God, it's me, Marvin. I don't know how my robot body works. And Jenkins says, boy, you guys are just absolutely hopeless. I'm going to go find another robot to get inside. Oh, yeah, they can do that.

And Carrie, Carrie shouts at you, Merle, but like whispered. She's like, Merle, can't you like, do some clerks stuff? Can't you, like, channel the divinity or banish them or something? Hmm. Yes, I can. I can't. I cast turn undead. And destroy the undead.

Uh, okay. Uh, they get to roll a wisdom saving throw. Um, Marvey, rolled a critical miss. Uh, and evaporates. Uh, Jenkins rolled a seven and evaporates. And Magic Brian. Holy shit.

Magic Brian, uh, also does not clear it. Uh, Jesus, the three of them just kind of turn into beautiful particles. The white light just sort of starts to fade away. Wait a minute. What? You, uh, yeah, you, you are successful. You did it.

You shout a command word from the divine extreme teen Bible of Pan, and that command word was, boogity, boogity! All right? And Magic Brian says, what, what does he say? was this a boogity? Ah! And they start to disintegrate, and

Jenkins says it looks like Team Rockets blasting off again. Griffin, when you say they evaporate, do they go back to like heaven or hell or the after plane or whatever? Are they gone? Kind of seems like you just obliterated their soul.

Kind of seems like you just kind of erased them. Man, you know, at the end of the day, I punch people, but dad, unmakes their existence. Who's the real monster? Well, I guess Griffin because he told Dad to do it. That's fair. Griffin's a monster maker.

You've taught me a lesson. I've learned the lesson. He taught you to kill. No. To obliterate. To obliterate. Yeah. Dad unmade an existence. Three. They got any gold? What's the loot? What's the fat loot?

Do we need to roll need? Check the loot table. I roll need. See if they're very existence left behind any gold. Maybe some kind of like power from like unmaking a human. You strip some copper wire out of the wiry robot, and you think you can sell that for some fucking meth money, baby. You do have Magic Brian's blaster arms still,

which it seems dormant now, but you can still feel a bit of like magical energy still coursing through it. I hand it to Tago. I don't have any use for this magic shit. Thanks. I could use a spare arm. You earn that spare arm, and you'll get it. I'm the guy that just obliterated three dudes.

You're not, you're not Mr. Potato Head. You can't just swap your arms out interchangeably. No, not until you reach level eight. He is level eight. Oh. And then let's have a fucking arm party. I went to an arm party once. Trust me, you don't.

You don't want to. You take your arm off, you throw it in a bowl. and some... Can we celebrate my victory? No. I feel like we did. Why? Griffin, can you do the...

Tell Daddy solved your whatever puzzle? Yeah, you solved your... You solved my doing the thing that you learned to do at your class level two puzzle. Yes! You solved my thing you've been able to do for literally over a year now. And I did it by completely obliterating three of the most beloved NPCs we've ever had on the show. Hey, maybe they'll come back.

There's always a possible... No, they're done. No, they're gone. Let's move forward down the pipe where we were going on the conveyor belt. Okay, yeah. Stop by these nerds. Yeah, uh, uh, uh... Also, Carrie's been really quiet.

Could Carrie say something? Like, great job, guys. She kind of stunned my obliterations. Yeah, she's actually pretty blown away. She's like, wow, Merle, I didn't know you had that in you. That was some savage shit. I didn't either. I did kill all three of them.

Yeah, no. No, you didn't. Magnus, you did a great job, too. I mean, I definitely lost... I destroyed the robot bodies. I definitely lose in the lid of that, their pickle jar, but let's... You know what? Let's just split the...

We'll split it four ways. We all did... Oh, sorry, five ways, Noel. Sorry. Noel actually is being extremely quiet. Noel hasn't, like, said anything this whole time since the three ghost robots showed up. And she's just kind of floating sullenly away from you down the... down the tunnel with her flashlight on.

And she's- Guys, Noel is a spirit and a robot body. Oh, man. She's got the fuse. She's gonna be real bumped out about this news. Taco, go talk to her. Come on, guys, we gotta, we gotta move on. We're almost there.

Noel? Yeah. I recognize now that you are a spirit and a fuse in a robot body, but I want you to know that I appreciate you as a member of this team. You have held this out a lot. I don't know what you're talking. I really don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, whenever you're ready. I mean, holistically speaking, you've gone from being a sentient's AI to being a soul trapped in the machine. I think it's a zero-sum game, right? You didn't have any illusions about your own agency, right? Is this like funny? Is this like, you, like, are you joking about this? I'm not joke. No, I'm not joking.

I mean, I just told, I mean, you thought you were a robot before, right? Oh, no. She says, Oh, gosh. Okay. Somebody's really stepped in the old spectral do-doo now, eh? I, I did, I, um, I did, I died. She's like, I'm, oh my God, I'm, I'm, I'm remembering now.

I, I, I, my name is Noel Red Sheek. my family runs a cider press out in a hogs bottom. I was riding our donkey into town, and I was making a delivery to some dive bar. It was the sleeping giant. And it was in town in Fandolin. And we heard... Never heard of it.

And we heard screams from outside, and there was this man. He came downstairs. He called himself, called himself blue jeans. And he was so kind. He told us to hide in the stock room, and he hid us, and he fought off this dwarf that was on fire,

and he got him out of the bar, and we thought we were safe. And then the whole world got burned up. That sucks. That is bad news. Woof. I hate to hear that, you know. Too bad. I'm so sorry.

But what matters now is that you're technically a lot. Well, no, not technically. No, literally, technically. You're in a techno body. So you are technically alive. She actually starts laughing. Oh, good. She's like, I'm sorry, I just, sorry, I just remembered.

I was in that back room and everything was getting burned up. And I remember my last thought was that the whole world was getting destroyed. And the fact that I'm here and you're all, y'all are still here. I thought the world was ending. I thought my whole family was going. But the world's still here, right? It's still here. Yep.

Yeah. Fandlin not so much. Let's parse the question. Was your family in Fandilin? No, they were out in Hogsbottom. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're running.

Do you guys know what happened to Fandolin? No. Uh, no. I heard. You just said that it burned. It burned you, I think. You said that, right? That was you.

Yeah. We are part of the people. Yeah. That tried to keep things like what happened in Fandlin from happening. Yeah. Yeah. We have a pretty good success rate. If you count, if you don't count that one, which we can all agree was a world-class boner.

Now, if you want to keep what happened to you from happening to other people, it is imperative that you ate us down here in completing our mission. And this, this thing now. You're saying that this thing that's turning this lab to crystal is trying to do to the world like what happened in Fandolin? You can save the world, Noel. All right, Dan. Let's fuck him up. Hell yeah. The fuse pops out of her chest, pops out of the bot.

And it seems to be floating in midair. Not like smoothly. It's almost like the spirit inside of it. is like pushing up on it. Like, imagine like a bird sort of like moving its bird cage just by flying really hard into the top of it. This is like an extreme amount of effort that this soul is using to push its fuse upward into the air.

And you see it move its way over into the pile of parts that you left on the floor that were the robots whose asses you just kicked. And she floats into the big, gorilla suit's body. And you see that mech, that you see that robot stand up and pick up the wires and sort of

tie it around its back. And you see it pick up one of the arms left over from Magic Brian's robot and strap that on to itself and take some of the plating off that one and take some of the plating off the old Noel bot and sort of

And I throw the buster arm and say, take, let's go to fuck up You see a fucking port open on this robot's side that it catches that buster arm in midair. And these four robots combine fucking Voltron style with Noel in the middle of it. And she says, hero time and cocks her gun arm. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

We're Dave and Graham and we host Stop Podcasting yourself. We started this podcast back in. 2008, before podcasts had to have any kind of concept, so we don't really know how to describe it. It's kind of like going to the barber shop if your barber knew all about the first season of the show, Elf. It's like a 90-minute massage where the masseuse is two people talking to each other with a third person. It's like the Monsters of Metal Tour, only quieter, no music, and just talking. It's like a make-out session, but without the lips touching, they just talk a lot. Download stop podcasting yourself from iTunes or maximum fun.org.