The Adventure Zone - Ep. 38. The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Ten

Episode Date: April 21, 2016

It's time for the final confrontation. Who's been hunting our heroes all throughout this campaign? What's Lucas really after? Why is Merle getting just completely boned in every fight? Answers to these questions and more linger just behind the play button. Taako has a plan. Magnus has a snack. Merle says his prayers. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone. Lucas, he's found a grand relic. It's the Philosopher's Stone. The Harry Potter book? The Astral plane, which is where our unconscious forms or our souls retire when we die. Did your mom die or did she, like, disappear one day? She passed away. I accidentally broke the Astral Mirror, so I got to grow a new one of those, although...

Smooth move, X-Lex-Lex-Lex-X-Lex. These purple volts of electricity surround you. Oh, damn it. And I am so, so sorry. Like, I was fighting for you, you ass. Guys, Noel is a spirit and robot body. She's got the fuse. You can save the world, Noel.

All right, then. Let's fuck them up. Hell yeah. Oh, dang. Ghosts? I didn't sign up for ghosts. Guess that's the cost of doing business in the Adventure Zone. Okay, you just kick some robot asses

and got a new more badass robot companion as a result was pretty good trade-off and just took a short rest, which we did before the recording to disguise the fact that we don't know how to do that. So you've made your way down this conveyor belt out of the robot manufacturing facility and have turned off a branch off this conveyor belt. And Noel in her new big badass robot suit. uh, kicks open a hatch, um, into the main experiment chamber. Uh, and it, it, it certainly looks like the type of room that a, a climactic standoff might happen in. That's convenient. Just your standard final fight room. Yeah. If Dracula was a thing here, he'd be, this would be his place. Is it, is

crystallized, Griffey? So this is weird. It's the first room you've been in this whole time that is only partially crystallized. There is, there is, is a, is. wise how much? Because it spread so quickly elsewhere, right? No. I mean, the behavior of the crystal of everything you've seen is it just spreads throughout everything it's touching. In fact, it almost

looks like it's been perfectly shaped to encompass the ceiling where it has sort of creeped in some vents in the ceiling and through some very narrow exterior windows, some like exterior vents

leading outside. You can tell it leads outside. because there's a stiff candle nights breeze blowing in. And hanging from this crystalline amethyst ceiling, you see a stalactite. And it is, the ceiling's about 15 feet up. The stalactite reaches down about nine feet. And this stalactite is huge. It's made of pure amethyst and cheese. Amethyst and cheese.

No, it's just amethyst. On the floor immediately below you, underneath this hatch, there's a big old pile of deactivated robots, like the ones that you saw in the assembly room. They all have fuses in their torsos, but they're all deactivated. And opposite you, on the complete opposite end of the room, is the gigantic locked door that you were unable to get through when you first reached this level of the lab. So inside the stalactite, you see a robot frozen that looks far more humanoid than any of you. seen before. In fact, it's kind of difficult to discern whether it's a robot or not. It has the shape of a human woman without any kind of extraneous armor plating or insane peripherals like like Noel has on her. She has a fuse in her torso, and that fuse is lit up like a Christmas

tree. And she's frozen in place in the stalactite, and the fuse light is the only thing you can see in there that's moving. However, you can see she's holding an object in each hand. In her right hand, which she has extended out in front of her, she's holding a large silver disk that's comprised of a series of interlocking rings etched with a really intricate pattern that kind of resembles circuitry, all leading to a bright, small light in the center of the disc, and that light is pulsing. And in her left hand, which she's holding at her side, you see a very plain looking stone. Directly, sorry, it's going to take a while to describe this room.

directly in front of... No, you're doing great, Grava. I'm drunk on your words. Directly in front of her. You're a poet, a poet laureate, I would say. About 10 feet away in the direction that this disc that she's holding is pointing. You see a large circular pedestal about three feet high, and floating above it is a mirror, much like the ones that you saw floating in orbit in the cosmoscope chamber that you're in.

This one is made of brilliant... sapphire with an intricate platinum trim. And like the Cosmoscope mirrors... And it retails for $9.99. And it can be yours for 10 easy payments of $0.99. What a deal. Like the Cosmoscope mirrors, you see in this sapphire mirror another world. And in that world, you see tens of thousands of these floating white lights,

sailing over a giant lake comprised of swirling rainbow-hued waters. and the lights float, they occasionally interact with each other and dive under the water, causing a ripple of light to move across the surface of the lake. And it's kind of a wondrous sight, but it's made slightly less wondrous by kind of an eyesore slightly in the background. You see an island in this lake, and on that island, you see a massive fortress comprised of stone and steel. It looks like a pretty intimidating building. Like Castle Grey's Call?

It actually looks more like a prison. Like prison gray skull? Like prison gray skull. So between this mirror and this stalactite with a robot frozen in it, you see Lucas. He's standing under the stalactite and he's holding a big stick in his hand and there's a, he's taken off one of his gloves of his knoll suit and tied it around what appears to be a hammerhead at the end of this stick and it's just banging this against the stalactite and not doing like anything to it. He's got his sleeve tied around his exposed hand that he took his glove off from. And he takes a few hits on this stalactite, doesn't really do anything, and kind of just falls over and slumps over his hammer. He looks completely exhausted.

His head is bandaged up, which you noticed earlier. And that bandages, you can see some blood coming through that now. He's inside the mirror? No, he's between the mirror and the stalactite. And he's banging on the stalactite trying to bust it open to get at the robot inside. he sort of slumps over he's leaning on his hammer and when when noel kicks that hatch open he looks up at the three of you and he's panting and he says oh shit now griffin real quick from where we are do we see any immediate like threat no nobody there's i mean you got all those robots immediately below you but none of them are activated and there's no like area of ground that we would be afraid of touch and turn to crystal no the ground is not crystallized Regardless, you are in your knoll suits. Noel would be at risk.

Carrie is fine. She's in a knoll suit. Noel might be at risk, but there's no crystal on the ground. Gotcha. And the robot in the stalag... Stalactite. Because they hang tight... They hang tight to the ceiling.

And stalag might... Because it might be on the ground. A stalag might be a stalactite. It's a terrible... The worst rules. Yeah, as a mnemonic, it's basically useless. So do we recognize the robot? inside the stalactite?

No, you've never seen this robot before. So we can make it out that much to know, we don't know. Yeah. I've seen a lot of robots. Are you sure I haven't seen this one? He's been of a connoisseur. Does he talk like Paul Bettany? Oh, it's a girl, I'm sorry, a woman.

It's stuck in a stalactite. It's probably not talking at all, right? Okay, I have one quick question for you, Griffin. It's on the ceiling. They're on the ceiling. On the pedestal that, that is facing where this robot is holding out that circular demophagy, right?

Yeah. Is there anything on that pedestal that looks roughly the same shape as the thing that the form is holding? No, I mean, the mirror is a circle, and this disk is a circle, but they don't seem to, they don't seem to, it's not like they're holding a miniature mirror or anything. Okay. All right. I hop down, fuck it.

Okay. Yeah, you hop down, you kind of do a maneuver to avoid falling down because there's like a big old pile of robots underneath you. Can I say? It's super sweet. Like everyone kind of gasps a little bit, and they're like, damn. Carrie and Noel move in after you. Taco and Merle are you hopping into this room too?

Oh, we're hopping. Okay. We're hopping and kind of get. And I would also suggest that maybe Noel is now, since she's a big badass now, that we call her Noel. L, like N-O-Dash. Now we'll call her yes, L. No hell.

No hell. Oh, there it is. Yeah. Lucas is kind of like, he's scrambling backwards away from you guys. I'm walking right at him. I did not stop moving when I landed. I'm going to fucking squeeze the life out of that little weasel. Okay, he's saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm going to fucking kick your ass, little man. I fire a magic missile at that little turd monster. Okay. I don't give a shit. I'm so done with this dude. I'm, fuck him. In fact, Griffin, what do I have to roll to do like a Batman? Well, hold on, Justin, are you really casting at...

Don't say, are you really magic mistlet him? No, that's probably not Taka style. All right. A lesser man when a magic missile the shit out of him. Yeah, or a lesser elf. And there are a few lesser else than Taka, so that I should tell you how badly he wanted to do it. I've just been in this Crystal Kingdom since December 19th,

and I would really like to kill him... Shit, and we've been in here that long? We've been in here so long. Luckily, we brought all this gorp. Yeah, you guys have been staying hydrated, right? Griffin, I would like to do like... When we get back, it's going to be Garfield Jr. You do my son.

I'm Garfield, the deals are like Junior. My daddy, you knew my peepal? I wanted to be a musician, but dad insisted I do this. The fantasy gotcha barn is going to take credit cards. It's going to take Apple Pay. Griffin, what do I have to roll to do, like, a Batman, like, Arkham. Like, I pick him up, and I'm like, tell me about the Ridler. You can do an intimidation check.

I want to do that, please. Okay. Oh, I almost never get to do those. I'm trained in that. Yeah, boy? You guys can do all. 16 plus four. Okay, yeah.

He is intimidated. Are you getting physical at all? Oh, yeah, I'm picking him up by the scruff of his neck. Okay, you pick him up. He's smaller than you, so that's a pretty easy thing. He goes, I'm sorry, okay, stop. Please, please don't hurt me, okay? Tell me what I want to know.

Jesus. I am done fucking around. You left us up there in a room. room paralyzed attacked by some kind of Crystal Gollum fucking talk now. Okay, okay. And I give a very subtle wink to Taco who doesn't see it because he's not paying attention. And I walk over and I say, listen, Lucas, you know, I'm your pal, but look, you know,

Magnus is really pissed. I'd tell him what he wants to hear if I were you, buddy. Oh, hell yeah, could come back up. I love your stuff. Not out loud. Oh, you're right. It's good cop, bad cop, aloof cop. Lucas goes, okay, okay.

Good cop, good cop guy there who's there to pay a parking ticket. He says, okay, stop. Okay, I'll explain everything. I, when I contacted the director earlier today, I told her that I found the Philosopher's Stone a couple weeks ago. That was a lie. Yeah. I actually found it.

I've had it for four months now. I found it for my mother, Maureen. She spent her whole life studying the planes and the realities that lie beyond our own. The Cosmoscope, which I showed you earlier, that was her life's work. It's not just suburb with some mirrors that let you look at the different planes. When you arrange those mirrors in a certain way, you're able to see into alternate realities, into parallel worlds. But she wasn't able to complete it because we didn't have the philosopher's stove with the stuff. With the stone, I was able to create the mirrors that she needed, and my mother was able to complete her life's work.

But it was... Lucas? Yeah. Is your mother the robot? Something went wrong. Yeah, okay. She insisted that she test out the cosmoscope. She wouldn't let me go in with her.

And when she used it, the way it was intended, her mind was destroyed, literally. I lost her, and I became upset. with saving her, with my background in robotics and my studies and planer energies that I learned under my mother, I devised a plan. I invented the conduit, a device capable of storing a living spirit and giving an agency over a robotic body. I created that to give her a new body that she could live in. And I created the siphon, which I could use to find her in the astral plane and fish her out of there and put her in her new body. When I invented those, I tested the bout on you, Noel. You were the first one I found. I found you in the astral

plane mirror, and I pulled you out, and I put you in that body. And I'm so sorry for dragging you into this. It was so selfish of me. But I looked for weeks, and then this morning, I found my mother in there. He points at the, he points at the mirror at that prison that you can inside of it. He says, I extracted her into this custom conduit. It was my masterpiece. And I had hoped that she would be this, the brilliant, caring woman that she was in life, but her mind is just gone. She attacked me, and I escaped, and I went to the med bay to regroup and patch myself up, and here we are. She's got the philosopher's stone. She crystallized herself, and that's stalactite. She took the siphon in with her. She nearly killed me, and I just, I have no idea why. And what have we learned from

this. I defended you up there. And you've hidden all of this from us. We could have helped. You could have worked with the director to figure all of this out. Like, as a scientist, you have disappointed. You have let down the concept of experimentation and science. You're a coward, and I hate you. Um, he starts to sniffling. He's got, he's got, he's got tears welling up. Good. I drop him in a heap on the ground. He says, I'm sorry. I just, I thought I could still save her. I thought I could still diffuse this situation myself. I thought I if I'm worried, I'm worried that you guys would

do, you would hurt her, you'd make me, you'd put her back in the, you'd put her back in the astral plane and then I'd lose her again. She's gone, Lucas. Would your mother have struck you? No. Your mother is gone. Help us fix this. Okay. And you peeed a little. You did. You did.

You did. You, I don't know how you can tell that. He rolled a really high perception check. Okay, listen, let's start from page one, okay? Who is in the stalactite? You hear a voice come out of the mirror, and this voice says, You guys really aren't that sharp, are you? You still having some trouble figuring this, still cracking this nut, huh? Well, hold on, don't, like, there's three of us.

We work individually. We're not a hive mind, maybe one of us, but, like, I would say at least one of us has a solid grasp. One of us is halfway there, and probably one of us just started paying attention. And I've got to ask a question, mirror. Who's the fairest of them all? Oh, God. It's certainly not you, my man.

Oh, me. You're not just addressing a mirror. You can actually see a figure inside of the mirror. To dad's credit, though, Griffin, in the Snow White story, there's a figure in the mirror then, too. That is fair. That is fair. You see a strikingly handsome, a dark-haired man. He's wearing a fancy suit that is covered by a long black flowing cowled robe.

Oh, it's death. And he says, let me break this down for you. That nerd is a necromancer. And necromancy is real bad stuff. Yes. We're not fans of that over here, where I come from. And where is that? You really are, you really don't know.

That was, that was a rhetorical question. Guys, it's the Phantom Zone. So your death or Hades or something. Listen, you're not too far off. Mike, I'm Kravitz, Charles. Lenny? Still not good, still not a good goof, but we'll know with it. It's like he's in the room with me.

We'll have time to workshop it later. Okay, great. I some people call me death sure Some people call you a space cowboy Boy you're not intimidated by me at all are you No Okay Some people call me death sure

Some people call me the Oh in subsocitis I'm called the grim reaper I like that one Oh I saw you in a movie with Bill and Ted My I prefer to go by Kravitz And I am a bounty hunter For the Raven Queen The goddess of the natural order of life and death

I hunt down wayward souls that escape from the astral plane or those who escape from the eternal stockade. He motions to the prison behind him. Where souls who've passed on to the astral plane who conspire to escape the astral plane, that's where we lock them up. I dole out punishment for anybody who breaks the natural laws of life and death. And I've got to tell you, this laboratory is a veritable pinaata. A real abomination. Very much. It sounds like we're on the same side here, Kravitz.

Oh, that's, let's not get ahead of ourselves. He motions, and that book appears that he consulted with earlier. And he says, Lucas Miller, you've been found guilty of aiding in the escape of your deceased mother, Maureen, from the eternal stockade, where she was in prison for conspiring to escape back to the mortal world. Your mother was in prison, Lucas, and you can't break people out of Prince. It's bad. I was assigned your family's bounty, Lucas, but when I got here and I met you three, that's when I found an even bigger trophy.

Wait, now, hold on. Wait a minute. What have I done? Yeah. What did Magnus do? Magnus. Good teamwork, Trav. Hey, I mean, I want to make it clear here.

He flips through a few pages of this book that's floating in front of him. He goes, let's see, let's see. Taco, we'll start with you. Well, hello. Taco Hello You've died Eight times

One, two Hmm Seven One of the tracks Wasn't one of it was a coma Right Well I mean it was debatable

We got a second opinion One guy said coma One guy said death Cut Cut the Cut the goose Says You've died eight times

And checked into the astral plane Exactly zero times Is that actually true? I feel like I ducked my head in the astral plane, right? You dipped your toes in. Well, you did the spa and you did the whole thing and you climbed up a rope. So those are like little discreet, like extra planes that you can sort of create.

And with your magic, you pop into the shit. What's it called? Not the astral plane. The astral plane is like, the astral plane is basically, yeah, the ethereal plane. The astral plane is like the afterlife. And has Taco actually... I'm sorry I haven't paid any attention to any of the episodes you've done? Has he actually died in game?

And we brought him back eight times? That seems like a lot. I mean, you've gotten... Been knocked unconscious, but nobody's died. If you did, then I would have different hosts on this podcast right now. Oh, we wouldn't just get new characters? Those are the rule. Well, maybe.

No, of course you would. He flips to the book again, and he goes, Magnus, let's do you next. Magnus, what's your family name? Burnsides. Oh, yeah, that's right. Magnus Burnside, you've died 19 times. That doesn't sound right.

And you've made zero trips to the astral plane. Now, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I think I'd remember. Let him finish. Let him finish. Merle High Church. Merle. That's my name.

Don't wear it out. Merle fucking high church you my dear friend care to take a guess can to wager a guess closest without going over I'm just surprised my middle name is fucking

I had no idea are you I'm gonna go with one in case we're doing prices right rules you know what I'm gonna go the other way and say 1999

somewhere in between there Merle High Church the richest bounty I've ever hunted. You, my dear man, have died 57 times. 57 times. 57 times. Oh, wait, shit. Is this alternate dimension stuff?

And you've never come to visit. You've never come to visit me, Merle? I never call. That's just rude. When you say died. Died, deceased. Lost your hit points and more. YED?

Are you, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what's, what, his form is starting to change. Um, his, his, his black robe is growing longer, and it's fraying and billowing out behind him, uh, his face is turning gaunt, uh, until it's, it's simply becomes a, a, a red-eyed skull. Um, and he's got his hand outstretched and a scythe forms in it from nowhere. Cool. Um, hey Lucas. Pst. He looks, can he look, he looks, get here without that sapphire mirror thing? I, he's, Lucas is just like trembling on the floor.

He's just a, he's just a puddle. I kick him. Okay. Uh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the mirror, something kind of unsettling in the background, that stone prison, the eternal stockade behind him, you see a swarm of those shimmering gray lights start to pour out of its few narrow barred windows and doors. And they are sort of jelling and morphing together to form a massive spectral hand, which is slowly sneaking up on cravets, who continues his spiel. He says,

I can't allow you to stay out there. You have to know that, but there's no reason for you to die violently. Just come with me. Come in easy, please. Cravitz? No, you know what? Nothing. Never mind. You know what, I will say, if you wanted to lure me in there, you should have stayed handsome, my fellow.

That's an excellent point. You're getting it. It's spooky scary. Listen. People were all ready to write slash fiction between you and me, and then you turned all skeleton. A whole bunch of artists just like had to like erase half of the portrait they had done. Pickyback rides.

Talk it. We call it talkets. That would be the shipper name. Talkets. That's enough. That is good. I want to know your answer. Are you coming with me or not?

This hand is like right behind him now. The answer to whether we're going to come with you or not is. Okay. This hand, uh, this massive silver. hand, uh, grabs him suddenly and you hear the wind just sort of get knocked out of him. Uh, and it grabs him and just slams him into the ground over and over and over and over and over and over again. Uh, and you hear him wailing, uh, as this hand just like, as the way as the hand is wailing on him. Just completely demolishes him and, uh, lightning quick pulls him back into the stock

behind him. And after it dispatches... We did it. We solved the cravets puzzle. After it dispatches cravets, the stalactite begins to hum. Oh, poopy. You can feel a vibration in the air around you. It's like someone just hit like a gigantic tuning fork.

And these vibrations, they're not dying down. They're actually intensifying until the amethyst around the ceiling, begins to emit those crinkle tinkles. Lucas? Lucas, what the fuck is this? I don't know. I don't know. You don't know?

No, I don't know anything. I'm sorry. Can you turn off the Sapphire portal? I can't. I don't know how. You hear those crinkle tinkles tinkles coming from the ceiling and another verse of the song plays out.

But it's different this time. You are right next to this stalactite with the robot inside of it. And you actually hear multiple voices coming from the robot. And you hear a chorus also sort of singing in unison from the mirror. And together they sing the following. Kept from our children, love with friends, subject to those we did not make.

This is my separation. and souls of the lost will come awake, enter this crystal kingdom. The voices just sang in case you couldn't understand it, or in case you're the three people on this call who didn't hear the song. Kept from our children, lovers, friends, subject to laws we did not make, this is where separation ends,

and souls of the lost will come awake. Enter this crystal kingdom. Fuck. Son of a bitch. A lot of things happen at once. The disc that Maureen's robot form inside the stalactite is holding, a brilliant white beam of light shoots out and pierces into the mirror. And you see a swarm of these souls fly at light speed. Well, not at light speed.

You wouldn't be able to see it. I don't know. I got pretty good perception. That's fair. And they bash against their side of the mirror and start to burrow through. And as they breach into your side of the mirror, they seem to, again, sort of organically meld together into a kind of like silvery goo that encases this floating mirror entirely. And from that goo, a humongous skeletal form appears.

It has two massive bony arms. a ribcage torso that's sort of sticking out of the mirror. It's just like everything from the waist up is coming out of this mirror. And a large shrouded skull. And this silvery substance seems to make up its form. Inside of it, you can make out these faint faces, most of which seem to be locked in a grimace. And from this skeletal being that's about, it's about 10 feet tall,

you hear a cacophony of voices that all say simultaneously Thank you, Maureen, your job is done. Damn it. This big skeleton turns towards the three of you, or I should say the five of you, well, the six of you. I'm not counting Lucas. And it says, Living once, permit us entry into this world

so that we may tear down the barriers between life and death. Join us in our cause. No. I'm looking at Taco and Merle here. No. No? No. Okay. Huddle. Huddle. One second. No, take your time. Okay, now listen. Yeah. Listen. You know, we've probably put a whole bunch of those people in there. Like, Fandolin at least. Yeah. Fandolin. We're not going to get good treatment at the hands of a bunch of dead people that we offed.

Do I recognize any of the faces? in the in the um roll in an investigation check that would be 15 I roll the 14 you actually see the faces of uh

magic Brian Jenkins and uh marvy in there who you apparently did not obliterate as much as you just sort of banished them back to the astral plane but they don't seem to have any kind of like they don't seem to have any kind of character or agency about them right now, you just sort of see their floating miserable faces.

And all of these spirits came out of the prison grace call, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're probably the bad ones. They say, um, will you join us in our cause to merge our worlds? We can find a way to be alive again. I'm going to have to go with no, right? Yeah. That seems no.

Yeah, you know, we're going to have to say no, but if you have any pamphlets you want to leave or... And we really appreciate you asking first. Yes, that was very nice of you. That shows really good manners on your part. You were very sweet to ask, but we're going to say no. Character voices. Character voices. Oh yeah. Listen, we really appreciate you asking nicely.

And, you know, asking permission. Wait, not... How long have we been in here? That aged 50 years. Oh, listen, we really appreciate it. Appreciate you asking first. It was really... consider it, guys, am I right? That's mood. Yeah, it's thoughtful.

Very, very nice, I see. It's good etiquette. And, you know, so many people these days don't do the etiquette. While Merle is talking, I want to like start kind of creeping around towards the Sapphire thing. So, kudos to you. Namira. I think it was great. It's wonderful.

It's beautiful. But listen, we're going to take a no. But thank you so much. And listen. I got 15, still. check. And now on your way out, look, if you'll just, just make sure, because the trash can guys, they left them in the street, if you're just moving back, thanks, Godblood, see ya, and I want to smash the mirror. Okay, you, you contested their perception check, and they got a 19.

Damn it. Phoebe, booby, booby, booby. And it slams its two fists into the ground, very, very close to you, Magnus, and this giant being shouts, you will join us one way or another. So this isn't the robot in the slag tie, right? This is from what you can tell, a legion of ghosts. Perfect. And as it says that and slams its fist into the ground, from behind it, let's say you see 16 of these gray balls of light come out of that prison and, but,

through the mirror into the room that you all are in and super quickly zip into that giant pile of deactivated robots and 16 robots shuffle their way out of the pile and encircle you let's roll some initiative hey everybody this is Griffin Macroy your dungeon master your best friend your personal trainer I want to see you squat 300 pounds tonight with your glutes I don't I don't know if that's what you used to squat. Thanks for listening to episode 38 of The Adventure Zone, the penultimate chapter in the Crystal Kingdom arc. We'll have one more episode in this arc,

and then we're probably going to do a lunar interlude. Maybe not. Maybe we just hop right into the next thing. I'm excited to get to the next thing. I know this one's been going on for a while, but you can't put a timetable on adventure. The thing just does itself. I want to thank everybody who's been listening to the show,

who's been telling their friends about the show. we do not pay for any kind of advertisement. So you telling your friends who you think would be into it is the only way that we have to grow. So we appreciate that. And in a similar way, we appreciate you tweeting about the show using the hashtag the zone cast. If you tweet about the show using the hashtag the zone cast, you might end up as a character in the next arc, which like I said, is probably going to start in the next couple episodes. So tweet early, tweet often. Well, don't tweet often.

You know, don't lose your mind over it. Just, you know, tweet about the show. And if I see your name, and I think it matches up good with a character that I've designed, then you'll end up as a character in the show. Got a few personal messages here. If you want to get a personal message on the show, shout out to a loved one, a friend, or a small business. Just go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron, and they're going to get you all set up. Here's a message for Sarah Bay, and it's from Cody Singletary.

Cody says to Sarah, happy birthday to my wonderful wife. I hope hearing our favorite DM, Aww, read this message is almost as good as a present as finishing up your PhD. Thanks for getting me obsessed with podcasts by introducing me to Taz. It got a little out of control after that and still is. I love you and can't wait to finally live in the same place this summer. Sounds like sweet reunions in the books, sweet podcast reunion. Very excited about that.

And thank you for listening and saying nice things. Also, I just realized that your birthday is April 23rd, And this is maybe the closest that we've ever come on any MacRoy show to doing a message on a birthday. So this is a special moment for me too. Got another personal message here for CJ. This one's for Patrick, who says, wishing the best boyfriend ever, good luck matching a residency program.

Wherever you end up, you'll do great. I still love how when I played you episode 1.5 to suck you into the adventure zone, you played dumb and pretended you weren't already secretly caught up. I can't tell if that's love or gaslighting. or maybe it's both. Thanks for being the Sloan to my Hurley. I love you so much and I'm so lucky that I met you. I ship it.

Well, I don't need to ship it is the thing. But congratulations. One last message here. This one's for Coleslaw and it's from Biorese Bounty Incorporated. I'm going to go ahead and guess that maybe this is another one of those in fiction D&D messages. Let's find out together. Happy birthday to the best DM we know. It's been just about a year since you had this crazy D&D idea, and every week since has been a magical adventure full of smash doors, spider buddies, and arrows through the coxics.

Coxex. We hope your Constitution saving throw against birthday hangovers was a success. Love, Dinwin, Milo, Viniran, and Nila. I love that this podcast and the Jumbotron in this podcast is like a secret, like, a secret. like Illuminati DM messaging tool. Keep it up and keep that weird but wonderful sounding game going. If you like this show and want to hear more from us, go to macroyoshows.com. We got a ton of shows that we're all doing like my brother, my brother, and me.

Justin does a show with his wife, Sydney, called Sawbones, a medical history show. Travis does a show with his wife, Teresa, called Schmanners, which is a manners-based podcast. I do a podcast with my wife called Rose Buddies, where we talk about The Bachelor, or we were when The Bachelor was on, and now we're talking about a bunch of reality dating show trash. There's tons of shows that we do, and there's a bunch of shows in the Max Fun Network, which we are a proud member of. Just go to Maximum Fun.org, and you can find shows like Getting Curious and Throwing Shade and Bullseye and Judge John Hodgman and The Flop House. Tons of great programs there for you to listen to. But I'm going to let you get back to this podcast

because that's all of the commercials that I have. Thank you all so much for listening. the next episode will be up on holy shit may 5th 2016 man you blink and you miss it uh may 5th we'll see you back then for another heaping helping of intrigue and adventure and danger i love you so you've got 16 robots uh you've got this big giant uh let's just call it legion because that's what i have it listed as in my notes um this giant being made out of many many ghosts uh that's is coming out of the mirror into the astral plane. It has encased the entire mirror in its silvery goo. And first in the order is Carrie, who turns to Noel and says, let's take care of the robots.

Let's take care of the robots. You get the robots. You're a robot. You should know what to fuck up robots. You boys, you take care of that big, what is the big, I don't even know what that thing. No, I got... Okay, cool. I got...

I had you at big. Uh, Carrie does like a... Let's not fight. Carrie? Carrie. Carrie does... I'm sorry I yelled. Carrie does a, uh, a, like, badass roll over Noel's giant hulking robotic shoulders.

And, uh, stabs, uh, a dagger into two robots, uh, right in the core, uh, deactivating them. And then, uh, uh, you. throws her dagger into a third, uh, taking it out of commission two. Man, I wish I was a rogue. Single handedly,

uh, the, the, I've got some weird mechanics for this fight, but, um, those two are going to act differently than you guys are. And,

uh, uh, actually next in the order actually is Noel, who cocks her gun arm, uh, and points it at a row of robots. And she takes three of them out of commission. So the two of them,

uh, go back to back. and take out six robots leaving ten robots in the circle around you. Hey, guys, here at a second, we're totally going to fight this big skeleton thing, but let's just, like, comment on the fact that they're way more capable than we are. Yeah, this is not a new information. And that it looks really kind of cool. Oh, it's so cool.

I'm so glad we're all here to see this. No, they're flipping the fuck around the room and, like, doing all kinds of bullshit on. I don't pity anyone who's not actually here seeing this. Wait, or I do pity? Whatever. Whatever. Next in the order is a Legion, who is going to rear back its massive skeletal right arm, and it's going to take a swipe at you, Magnus, since you tried to rush it.

Uh-huh. And it's going to try and grab you. Okay. Oh, that is a 26. versus Any number but your health I think that's gonna hit Yep, it's super does

I don't know versus my speed I probably would have beat it too Legion grabs you With its right arm It brings you right up to its face And roars Right in your face Uh huh

I roar back Okay It does not seem to care Neither do I Because it gives you the old force seam right at the wall. You hit the wall and you take only

11 points of damage but make a dexterity saving throw to see if you can avoid landing that would be 17. Okay, yeah. You slam up against the wall and in an unlikely feat you land on your feet. You got thrown

basically right backwards past the stalactite and basically near the hatch near this big old robot pile. But you have landed on your feet. Next in the order is, oh, I'm sorry, Legion gets two moves. What?

For its second move, it is going to point its other hand at you, Taco. Oh, man. And over your head, a small silver flame appears and just kind of floats there over your head.

Wait, I've seen this. He's the ghost of Christmas past. That's it for Legion's Next in the order is Merle. Okay. You got 10 robots. You got Kerry and Noel sort of addressing them, and you got Legion. I want a Cascardian of Faith.

Okay. I want Delorese. My giant Deloreses. Wait, can you determine the size of Deloreses? Can any of us? That is fair. Now, Griffin, do you think my rustic, hospitality trait helps it all here.

If it wasn't for that rustic hospitality, you would not have landed on your feet just then. In fact, you probably would have exploded as soon as you hit the wall. I always factor that. I always factor that into... Thank you. Hey, Dad, can you remind me how Guardian of Faith works? A large spectral guardian appears, hovers for the duration. The duration in a spot where I put it.

It's got a gleaming sword and shield. And any creature hostile to you that moves to a space within 10 feet of that guardian for the first time on a turn has to succeed on a dexterity saving throw. The creature takes 20 radiant damage on a failed save or half as much on a successful one. Okay. And you're just going to pop this thing down. I'm going to put it right amidst hovering majestically like, you know, like six feet above

our clustered group. Okay. Should I do my battle cry now? Taco? You've geezed so much at this point out. Just do it. Light them up, Egon! Thank you.

It's pretty good. That's intellectual property theft. Next in the order are the robots. Taco, make a dexterity saving throw for me. Twelve plus... Three. That is not going to do it. This circle of robots, there are ten robots.

right now, I'll turn towards you and you see that each of them has much smaller but still dangerous-looking blasters on their arms, kind of like the ones that Magic Brian had, and I should say that Noel currently has, and fiery beams emerge from them and like a firing line all come towards you and you're going to take 19 points of damage. All right. Now, is that something that just moved close to him? No, these guys are all sort of outside of the, of the, they're all sort of sort of standing in a circle all around the room. None of them moved.

They just turned and fired. I can't factor in the movement of a bunch of different robots. I'd lose my mind. As they do that, Taco, that white light that was over your head, disappears. Great. Okay. That's good. Next in the order is Magnus.

It's targeting. It's targeting us. There. Everybody knows. All right, so I'm going to charge right back up there. Okay. I'm still on my feet. Yeah.

You have a move? How close together are the 10 robots? Wait, before I run. Lucas. What? If I smash the mirror thing, will it go away? I mean, the mirror has to be perfect in order for it to maintain a connection with her... Got it.

Okay. I run up, Griffin. I charge it the mirror, double-handed axe. Okay. I guess I attack the mirror. That's 18 plus 725. That is a hit. But as you bring your axe down on the mirror,

you don't seem to penetrate this layer of silver goo that the Legion has encased this mirror in. So the damage goes to Legion. You don't even seem to, like, part it or move the goo at all, but you hear Legion recoil in pain. I'm going to do a goading attack on Legion then. Okay. Cool. So the damage is 15. Okay.

And you need to roll better than a 14 to avoid it. I did not. I got a 9. I am goaded. I'm going to use my second attack. Okay. To swing again. Okay.

Go for it. That's probably not going to do it 16 plus 723 Yeah that's gonna do it Oh well I didn't know And this time it is I hit for only eight points of damage Okay And you know what I'm gonna use my action search and hit again

Okay, it's all I can do 14 plus 721 That's a hit Yay Seven plus so 13 points of damage Okay Yeah it's a lot of And then I pull out my squeeze bottle, maybe towel off some sweat, sit down on a stool nearby, and think about how good I did.

Three times in a row. Okay. Taco, you're up. How closely grouped are the 10 robots? So they are standing in a circle around this room. We'll say they are each about three feet apart. Can I delay my turn? Yeah.

Do you just... No, not for... No, no, no, no. I know what I want to do, but, yeah, I would have delayed my turn. Okay. Next in the order, just let me know what you want to, when you want to pop in. You don't know it. Next up is Carrie and Noel.

Well, let's just make them do like a joint attack. Maybe Noel throws Carrie who spins with her knives. And it's super cool, you guys. Like a speedball special. Holy shit. This joint attack takes out seven bots, leaving just a paltry three robots. That is why Chiboy, the latest term. Next in the order is Legion.

Well, hold on, Justin, did you want to go now? No, no, no, no. I want Legion to go down. Next in the order is Legion, who is going to use. its first action to conjure up some spirits from the prison behind him. And these spirits, you see it fly into the room with you, and they just sort of meld in with Legion's skeletal form, healing him Well, poop.

That's not fair. For 19 points of damage. And with the second action, Legion is going to summon more spirits from the prison. Oh, man. Summons 14 spirits from the prison, which fly out of the mirror,

and into the big pile of bots and 14 new fresh hot bots pop out of the pile you've got 17 robots in the room with you now that is all Legion's going to do for their turn though Merle is next in the order Merle do you have anything that would

like banish shit that's what I'm going to do I'm going to channel divinity I am going to turn undead I hold up my my symbol my holy holy symbol your extreme team Bible my extreme team Bible

They got to make a wisdom saving throw. And it affects anyone that can see you. I say they because isn't... I mean, there's a whole mess. No, it's a plural form. Okay. Oh, shit. No.

But it affects all the robots, too. Yes, it would affect every robot in the room. I'm going to roll a joint saving throw for the robots. Okay. So you don't have to do it, uh, uh, whatever, 15 times. Uh, the robots save. Legion does not. All right.

Legion kind of scatter. You don't destroy Legion. It's more, it's a bit too powerful for that. But you do turn Legion. And basically what that's going to amount to is Legion kind of splats a little bit, for lack of a better term. And you send some goo of Legion sort of scattering throughout the room. starts to self-form again, but you have scattered it all around the place exposing the mirror to the astral plane.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. Oh, by the way, when you splat it, you do send it flying into the danger zone. So it's going to have to roll a dexterity saving throw to avoid being pierced by Delorese. It does not save on a dexterity saving throw. Way to go Della. Della, as the thing kind of pops off towards it, you see your angelic. Della Reese form, just kind of fucking fruit ninjaist guy as he goes flying all around the room,

cutting him up with a golden radiant sword. How much damage does it do? It does 20 radiant damage. It actually does 40 to Legion, who you hear scream out in pain. as pieces of it go flying all around the room. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, I hate that.

But immediately that silver goose starts to creep back together, starting to approach the middle of the room again. Next in the order is the robots who are going to attack, let's see, let's roll a randomize for it. Actually, the robots are going to attack Lucas. Good. The robots line up a salvo of shots, ooh, no way. And you see them all 15 of them, or 17 of them, shit.

Griffin? Yeah. I almost hate to do it, but can I use protection to make it disadvantage against the attack on Lucas? Does that work on melee attacks or range attacks or both? It says when attacked with a weapon. No, no, I'm sorry, Trab. That's not, it wasn't an attack, it was a dexterity saving throw.

Oh, okay, great. Then he is going to get attacked. That was going to be a really sweet moment, but instead, Lucas gets... Wait, I wanted to know that I tried. Wait, before... How big's the biggest chunk of... How big's the biggest chunk... So Lucas has, like, the targeting reticle, right?

Like, I know Lucas is being targeted? He doesn't have that little fire thing above him. It just, you see all the robots point their weapons at him. It seems like without direction, they just target whoever they were. want. Okay. Would I have time to slip in my turn here, or are they going to hit it no matter what? Would I have enough time? You would have had, you would have had to have told me that you wanted to take their turn, your turn before they did. Okay. Got it. Lucas gets blasted by 17 different lasers, and he slumps to the ground, and you see some, you see some vapor coming off of him.

Cotton. And he ain't moving. Cotton. Thick, thick, thick. Thick, he's vaping right now inside of his... No, he's just been blasted to shit. I mean, okay, listeners, we did try. Both Jason and I.

It's just, he was meant to die now. You can take your turn now, Taco, if you want. Well, yeah. We're almost back to where you were in the order to begin with. Yeah, I guess I should go ahead. I'll tell you what I'm going to try. I'm going to cast shatter on the stalactite. Okay.

Yeah, I'm going to do that. It's going to do... The stalactite's non-magical, right? We've established that just because it's weird... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't mean it's magical. Okay, it is going to do 3D8 thunder damage. 16.

You cause this stalactite. You send a big crack up it. And that crack very slowly creeps towards the ceiling and you send the stalactite plummeting down to the ground. And as it hits it, this stalactite just kind of continues to shatter, freeing up the robot inside of it. There's an unintended or perhaps intended consequence of this is that as the crystal hits the ground, it begins to spread throughout the room. room. And it is moving, it's moving out relatively slowly, but it's creeping, it's corrupting this room. Hell yeah. You see Noel actually start to back up away from this spreading crystallization. She looks kind of worried about it, or she would if she had a face. But this robot that was inside

of the stalactite stands up is still holding both the disc and the, the philosopher's stone, um, you see it stand up and it's, it's moving kind of erratically. It's moving, uh, it's, it's acting kind of strange.

It starts to walk in one direction, but then it kind of jerks itself backwards towards another direction. Uh, and then one, one of its arms is like pointing towards the mirror and the other one is like grabbing that arm and pulling it down. It almost looks like this thing is having a fight with itself. Um,

and you see it sort of bend over into the fetal position. and from its conduit in the middle of its body you see like a dozen of these spirits just come flying out of it as if they'd just been like thrown out of it DJ Jazzy Jeff style

and the the robot stands back up it only has a much fainter light in its fuse in the middle right now and you hear this robot say point at Legion and say, get the hell away from my son.

Nice. Yeah, that's about what I thought would happen. Let me roll a quick initiative for... Okay. After she points at Legion and shouts that, she looks around at the room and sees the growing crystallization and then holds the stone that she was holding to her chest, and you see the crystallization just sort of get sucked back up into the stones that fell to the ground, and the spreading has stopped.

Cool. Magnus, it's your turn. Maureen, give me the stone. What? Who are you? I'm the guy who's trying to stop all of this. Trust me. Give me the stone.

Self-centered much? Yeah, we're a team. I mean, we're helping, too. Roll a persuasion check. Okay. That is a 19 plus 120. She's like, okay. That's cool, cool, cool.

She says, I saw you attack my son. Why should I give it to you? Roll disadvantage because you accosted Lucas earlier. Fair enough. That's a 16 plus 1, 17. So because he was a douche. She says, Are you going to help undo this?

Yes. Catch. She chucks it your way. As you grab it, Magnus, you hear a voice in your head go, yeah, that's right. Use me. Use me. You can turn the world to gold.

Don't you want that big old golden world? Think of a line your pockets. Line your pockets, kid. buy all the candies and sweets you want. You're not a big enough boy to handle these kinds of objects, Magnus. As that's happening, I want to rip the glove so it folds around it. So I've got it in like a little sack. Think of it that way.

Like my nilsuit glove. You got a little sack. You have a little, tiny little sack. We want to make sure we're getting straightening. You don't want the candies and sweets? Come on. I tap it with a glutton's fork and I swallow it. What the fuck?

You have been holding on. under that one. Yes, I have. I'm gonna have to, this is like the most magical object that there is. Yep.

No, I'm saying Glutton's Fork works on non-magic, this is like the most magical. I thought it was just, it's got to be small enough to eat it.

No, it's small non-magical object. But I'm doing it with the glove. You can eat this thing, but it's gonna stay a stone. That's fine. I'm not gonna digest it.

You can wrap this thing in a fucking hot pocket, but it's still gonna be a magical. Yeah, it's in my tummy. Okay. Make a fucking constitution saving throw to see if you can swallow this fucking rock that you're trying to eat with your mouth and put in your body. That's a 15 plus 3, 18. You have, I guess you turned your glove into a delicious pastry crust that you have wrapped around the Philosopher's Stone and then through some doing.

He turned it into the falafelor stone. You have swallowed this thing and it sucks because you can hear this fucking Joe Pesci-assie-ass voice from inside your. gullet now shouting up into your body. Yep. And then I'm going to smash the mirror. Wait, Chad, don't forget to get your... Okay, what was the point of eating the rock? Yeah, I don't know what you got out of that, but do...

Well, I wanted to digest it, but then you said it was magical. But at that point, I'd already committed to the idea of eating the rock. And now I figure it's just safe at my tum-tum. Don't forget to get your 2D6 points of health. Oh, yeah, thank you. Uh-huh. For what... For eating what...

One. That's two points. For eating whatever you tried us hoves into your field of vision. Yeah, you actually, you also take two. points of damage for swallowing a motherfucking rock. Balance is out. So now it's safe in my tummy. And spoiler alert, you're going to take a lot more damage than that when it comes time

to get it out. That's fair. And now I'm going to smash the mirror. Okay. Make a melee attack roll against that mirror. Okay, it's 16 plus 7.23. Okay. Yeah, roll damage.

This is going to tear his butt up, isn't it? I know that's... Four plus... So that's 10 damage. Okay. Yeah, I mean, that's not a lot, but with your two-handed battle-ax swing, you send the, you put the smallest, smallest crack into this thing. And the picture behind it just vanishes. And the disc falls to the ground. Make a dexterity saving throw for me? That's not going to do it. Five plus two, seven. Oh, my. I'm gonna roll a 1D2, flip a coin, just see which way this thing falls. Yeah, it's falling Magnus word.

This thing falls on you, Magnus, and you take 14 points of damage. Oh, that's not that, but. As it lands on top of you, and you are pinned underneath this deactivated mirror. Yeah. And as you deactivate it, you hear Legion just kind of scream in anger. Um, and, uh, that is it. We did it. Bannanana, nah, nah, nah, nah, no, it.

Legion is still definitely, definitely in this room. Okay. Oh. Um, Carrie and Noel do some dope shit and they take out five robots. Uh, no, that's not going to do it. Uh, Noel with two of her four arms, grabs a robot, tears it in half, and then throws the two chunks at two more robots taking them out. Um, and, um, and, um, and,

and carry slides underneath one's knees and grabs its feet and pulls it to the ground and then chucks it at another one taking out a fifth. I just wanna take a moment here to say that I regret eating the philosophy stone. Yeah, it seemed like kind of pointless. It seemed like a great idea when I thought I could eat the stone itself and then you were like, but it's magical.

And I was like, I'm still gonna do it. And I was like, oh. You hear the falafelor stone inside you go, Hey, Magnus, is it weird that I'm kind of into this? Oh, no, it's a four thing. Oh, God. I'm learning all kinds of stuff about myself right now. I think we can still turn the world in the, you know, gold, a candy, sweets. I punch myself in the stomach.

Okay, okay, okay. Legion is next. All of the silver goo has sort of brought itself back to the center of the room and has sort of come back together. on top of this pedestal and reformed. Now it's just like half a skeleton, half a gigantic skeleton, but it no longer has access to the astral plane and all of the benefits therein. So it is going to just attack the prone Magnus

who is pinned under the mirror twice, and you're going to have disadvantage. Or I guess he's going to have advantage because he's attacking a prone target. Cool. Uh, that is a 21 versus AC. Uh, that is a hit, yes. And a 19 versus AC?

I mean, both of those hit, yes. Okay. Um, I'm going to use Perry, though. Um. To reduce damage? Yeah. Okay, we know what it does. Just roll to do it. Yeah.

Okay, that's 10, 12. So it reduces it by 12. Uh, it was going to be 43. Oh, my Jesus. So 31. Points of damage? Who, Boise. Yeah, I'm still alive. What are you getting down to?

I'm down to 16, Dad. Thank you for asking. I don't have a freaking tricorder on me. I can't keep up with it. No, no, no. That was not sarcastic. Literally, thank you for asking. I appreciate your concern.

I have a real hard time sounding sincere. It's a real life problem I deal with. I love you, son. I love you, too, Dad. Um, you, uh, next in the order is Maureen. Uh, she runs over to Lucas and she smashes her hands into the ground. And she just keeps doing that over and over and over again, um, just kind of mangling her hands, but exposing some active wires. Um, and she, uh, holds those up against her sort of ruined hands and puts them up against, Lucas's chest. Clear! Yeah, but literally like, yeah, defibrillating him.

And let's do a first aid check. That's a crit. He jumps up, he's better than ever. He's 10 feet tall. He doesn't jump up, but after a few pumps, you see him open his eyes and... Of course, all that would have taken about 10 minutes because that's what happens in the movies. and at some point, somebody had to have yelled at him,

Don't you die on me! Right? Yeah, all of that happened in the span of this turn. Good. Merle, you are up. I've been through a rough campaign here. I've had my arm chopped off. I'm not sure how I feel about pan.

Because God lied. We've been all through that. I'm having a moment. I need guidance. I'm going to take just a second just to do a quick prayer. I'm just going to pray to pan. Meanwhile, everyone just kind of looks around awkwardly. Hope the answers.

I'll do it quick. Pan, if you're there, and if you're not a big fat liar, tell me what to do. Okay, hold on. Let me think about this. Golden leaves very slowly start to bud and sprout from your soulwood arm, sort of enshrouding it in a patchy bush of these golden leaves and gross and your hand, the branches that have formed your sole wood hand sort of mold your fingers into a finger gun and points directly at the Legion

Thank you. I look at Legion and I cast banishment. This is where I send the creature to another plane of existence. And they've got to make a charisma saving throw, or they're banished. How charismatic are a pile of ghosts. Yeah, they can't be very charismatic, right? No, especially, they're just like a weird skeleton thing. The only charismatic ghost is slimer.

All right, here I go. I'm going to cast this, and I look at him and I say, You shall... Oh no, I'm sending him somebody. You had better... You shall pass. You shall pass. Get out of here.

Eh, you banished. All right. So this thing is... Normally, like, you can't banish something this big and bad, but you have weakened this thing to a pretty critical state. And he's got Pan's help. And you've got the help of Pan. So I'll roll disadvantage on this roll. Oh, the second one was an 11.

those golden leaves that sprouted from your hand forced your thumb down as if the finger gun has just fired and the leaves blow as if with the breeze that is coming in through the windows encircling the giant skeleton who you hear shout as it is it sort of implodes in on its

creating like a small, not a black hole as much as a very small silvery hole that seems to suck in the remaining 23 robots all around the room. The spirits blast out of the conduits inside of them get pulled into this silvery hole. And then in an explosion of golden leaves, they disappear. Della Reese looks on. Della Reese smiles. You've done it. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned.

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