The Adventure Zone - Ep. 39. The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Eleven

Episode Date: May 5, 2016

After a climactic victory, our heroes have a few loose ends to tie up before moving on to their next adventure. Will Lucas and Maureen get Regulated? Will Kravitz claim his undead bounty? More importantly, how are they going to get that big, magic rock out of Magnus' tummy? Merle does prank medicine. Magnus tells a fib. Taako just twerks it out. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone. Lucas, our scientific advisor, he's found a grand relic. It's the philosopher's stone. We're sending you in to detain and extract Lucas for his abuse of confidential information. I found it for my mother, Maureen. Is your mother the robot? Something went wrong. Yeah, okay.

Merle High Church, you have died 57 times. 57 times. Living once, permit us entry into this world. No, no? You don't want the candy. and sweets. Come on. I tap it with a glutton's fork and I swallow it. What the fuck?

I look at Legion and I cast banishment. But wait, they already killed the big skeleton thing. What else could be left in this ark? Two skeletons? It's the adventure zone. The three of you with your NPC associates have solved my ghost robot riddle. It's time for orange slices in high sea. Everyone gets orange slices in high sea.

And those, it's not the battles that you've won and the puzzles that you saw that are going to allow you to level up later. It's actually the orange slices in high sea. Can I get little debby's in high sea? Yes. I'd prefer little debis. You know, that's such a misnomer because little debis, there's hundreds of little debis. Are you speaking specifically about the oatmeal cakes? No, just like any kind of.

So you say that you say that, but then you get a fucking pecan roll. you're like, ah. I love that dad just embodied Twitter in talking about Little Debbie's. Excuse me, hold on. Oh, which Little Debbie's? Quick round, Robin, worst little Debbie minus Star Crunch. Yeah, Star Crunch. Star Crunch, you blink and you miss a Star Crunch.

That's going to be Cosmic Brownie. Oh. Is the best? Yeah. It's the best one. So the dust has settled from this big climactic battle after Merle, with a little extra juice from Pan banished Legion back to the

astral plane by the way the mirror that was in the middle of this room is still on top of you Magnus which we need to resolve at some point but yeah we're hopping back in literally just just after this battle has finished and there's

we did it Magnus has sex really quick I guess No, it's on my lungs. The mirror's on... It's on my RPG lungs. That makes sense. Noel and Carrie actually high five. I've got phantasma.

You've got what? It's like asthma, but it's RPG asthma. Fantasticma. Right. All right. No, I really like that one, Trave. Thank you. I do too.

And you all almost simultaneously, you hear static coming through your stones of far speech. And the static clears up and you hear a voice through it say like, come in, Taco, Merle, Magnus, what's going on? Carrie, situation report. Have you secured the philosophers?

Have you secured the philosopher's stone? Yes, very secure. What's going on? We lost contact with you for so long. What's the situation? We went through a tunnel. A crystal tunnel. I feel like you're goofing on me.

All that matters, are you in possession of the philosophy? Yes. Oh, we are, I, that's putting it mild. It's very, we've got it on lockdown. We're, we're not in possession of the philosopher's stone. We're in digestion of the philosopher's stone. A kabum. I guess we'll have to unpack what that means, but is everyone okay? It's in my tummy. Magnus ate it, yeah. And he is going to have to unpack. I ate it. I immediately regretted it. I consumed it. I imagine you had a good reason for doing so. I, I absolutely

did not. Is that, you know, heat of the moment, sometimes you eat a thing, and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have eaten that. Like a dog, you know. You get a bit in your mind,

you think it's going to be a grand slam. You just don't commit. Yeah, exactly. I'm glad to hear that everyone's safe and that you've accomplished your mission. And Lucas, is he, have you detained him? Yeah, he's,

he's not going anywhere fast. Okay, well, bring him home and secure the philosopher's stone and return. turn it to me as quick as you possibly can. I'm so happy to hear that everything went so well. I was worried we were going to have another fandelion situation on our hands. Unfortunately, director, Lucas is dead.

What? Yeah, we won't be able to bring him home. I wink at the robot mom. She can't wink back because she doesn't have a traditional face, but the light in her tummy kind of flickers very quickly. and she says, how did he die? He was killed by some kind of big, scary skeletal thing that will tell you all about. But apparently he'd been messing not only with the philosopher of stone,

but with the forces of nature that bind the universes together. And there were some people, yeah, it was real messed up. I mean, geez, I mean, Jeezy crazy. Yeah, juicy crust, y'all. It was some heavy stuff. But he's super dead, so we won't be able to, but he was blasted to nothingness. Ash. We do have a robot we'd like to bring back, though. Can we do that? She's super cool. She's the best. I guess that would be fine. Why don't you extract who you

need to extract and we'll debrief once you return home. Be careful. Getting back here, it's pretty snowy outside. Sounds good. You see, you actually see Maureen bot trying to tend to Lucas's wounds. If you remember, she did a really, she did a critical first aid role, which actually stabilized him. But he still, I mean, he got lit up by these robo, by these robolasers. And her hands are kind of fucked up because she smashed them to turn them into sort of makeshift, shocky paddles.

Those have a name. Defibrillators. And she, she turns to all of you and says, I'm terribly sorry, but do any of you have any medical training. I've, I've stabilized my son, but he's in terribly poor health. Oh, oh, me, me. I do. I do. Don't you dare, don't you dare say another word until you have a character voice. I am, I'm quite an accomplished healer. There we go. Well, accomplished. Hold on. I just, I got to say I just got fucking swept up in a world of imagination of fantasy. And I just want to say how transported that was. Just, thank you. Thank you, everyone. It's been so good. Yes, if you could,

please do whatever you can to help my son please okay dook can i talk to you over here while he tends to lucas yes yes i just i want to stay in in eyesight you know understand okay what's cracking we're not going to take lucas in as you heard i lied i protected your son i that was the promise i made you when you gave me the stone i really appreciate that that was very kind of you if I ever see either one of you again after this. It seems unnecessary. I understand why you would be. I understand why you'd be upset.

Listen, I swear, if I knew what was going to happen when I began to plot my escape from the astral plane, I would not have gone through with it. I promise. I did not know. When I came through, I didn't know that all of my fellow prisoners in the Eternal Stockade were going to come through me. I wasn't in my right mind. My mind was destroyed. I had no control. I don't give two shit.

Can I sidebar with Merle while they're doing their sidebar? Yeah, Merle is currently probably over Lucas helping him out. So while he's doing that, so I'm confused. Why do you think Magnus decided to help? He made it pretty clear that he was pissed. I think he's just that kind of guy. He blows in the wind. He goes back and forth.

That's true. That's true. And he's also, you know, trapped under a big mirror. So he's probably feeling a little vulnerable. Yeah, wait. Yeah. Oh, wait. Sorry, I forgot about that.

This cyber is like, listen. Listen, here, if I ever see you and I'll kill you once I get out from this mirror. It kind of, you know, diminishes the threat a little bit. Yeah. I forgot about that. Not quite as badass. God. when dad has to remember our story

is in a bad way, huh? When dad is our PG compass, it's a real problem. Lucas actually comes to, under your healing hands and turns towards you and Maureen, Magnus, and says, I'm not sorry at all.

He says, Magnus, if you lost somebody important to you, what wouldn't you do to get them back? Oh, I slipped with the stitches. I'm sorry. Oh, God, ow. Character voices. I swear I gotta come out of the table. I was character voices. That was not a character voice. Deborah, repeat the tape, Deborah. I slipped with the stitches. Sorry. I fucking swept away right now. That was to repeat. A rift opens up in the room. No, no Crystal Kingdom crinkle tinkles, but a rift opens up in the room. And a, uh, a white light.

comes through, as you've seen it, come through many times before. And it lowers itself into a dormant robot that Kerry and Noel kind of trashed earlier. It's missing an arm already. It's already been magnisted. Magnide. It's been magnified. And this robot stands up and it's all beat to hell and this robot says, okay, okay, okay.

Listen, gang, we don't... What is his voice? It was cocked. It used to be cocky. Oh, yeah, it's cockney. Okay, okay. So, we dealt with things over on our end. It's me, by the way.

Cravitz, hi. Yeah, well, we got that. You didn't recognize me probably because I'm not inhabiting some sort of crystal beast, but it's me. It's Cravitz. Soap. Yeah. That was quick thinking, Muriel.

You're a powerful dwarf. I didn't think that you would have the ability. to banish a being as dangerous as the Legion back into the astral plane. I've got to say, I am genuinely impressed. Still waters, my man, still waters. And to be fair, let's give credit where credits do. He had some help from his god, Dan. What's so funny?

God, Dan! God, Dan it! What's the joke? He He uh He uh He uh pulls up He waves his he waves his one

Uh remaining robotic hand in the air And that floating book uh appears once again Um And it's floating out in front of him And uh a quill appears in his hand And he starts doing some some scratching around in this book And he says Dear diary

You'll never believe what happened Dear man in the moon Dear Pinethouse Forum Uh He says, okay, here's the deal. You all saved my bacon, okay? You saved my bacon. If that thing had come through and open up a more permanent portal into the actual plane,

that would have been the ball game, basically. And it would have looked really bad for me. I mean, it would have been the apocalypse and like the end of both of our worlds, but it would have been bad for me in my career. It would have hurt your quarterly review. Absolutely. It would have shown up. We've all been there.

So here's the deal. Merle, Magnus, and Taco, despite the fact that you've died nearly 100 times between the three of you, you've technically never... I still don't remember that. Yeah, it can be tricky dying. Technically, you've never checked into the astral plane,

and therefore you've never escaped. So on that technicality, I've called off bounty. But I swear, if you die again, that is it. No more Mr. Nice Death. That's it. Cravitz is going to come a calling. So are you, should we, will we listen for your voice echoing after us? Should we listen for a cockney voice or kind of a distinguished gentleman voice? All right. Yeah, I jump between the two. I jump between the two at will, don't I? The other, the other head on your shoulders, Zephard Biboach's style is big on addressing us. Listen, I can jump between them at will.

Check this out. I know, got another accent. What's this one even called? I don't know. What's all this then? I think that's still cockney, but with a mouthful of marbles. I've got to switch between different accents to trick my prey. That's not true.

It's just a fun little character trait I've got. You sound like Harry Snapper organs from Monty Python. Dinsdown. I could also do a bunch of fun, Michael, Winslow-style sound effects. What's that? Now, Lucas... That was a machine gun.

Yeah. Lucas, you've technically never died at all. And I can assume your necromancy days are behind you. So I can call off the dogs on you, too. But Noel, Maureen, I'm sorry. Your ghosts. You have got to come with me back to the astral plane. We've got to take you back.

Well, hold on. This is not going to go on. Overwell. Without... What? Well, you first. You first. Without them, we wouldn't have been able to stop Legion and save your ass.

I get... I totally get that, but Legion was a bunch of escaped ghosts. And that is also what Noel and Maureen... If I allow them to go, it could... If we allow a little bit of exception to the rules of life and death, then anybody could... Take advantage of it. So, let me ask you a question. Would you kill somebody whose soul was still in their body?

Well, no, of course. Okay, well. Under the right circumstances, if it means collecting a soul that belongs to the astral plane, then yes. But their souls have found new bodies. Just because they happen to be mechanical, doesn't mean that that life is any less valid, Battlestar Galactica. And what if we just changed a couple words rather than if it was when you collected the soul? What do you...

Are you talking about like a time limit or something? Yeah, maybe we just negotiate a time. Say, we phrase it as they need some time to finish affairs in the earthly realm that they couldn't before they were, you know, killed before their time. So you need to give them... Blank. I'd appreciate that. I got some stuff I'd like to, I've got some stuff I'd like to pop off.

Hey, let us sweeten the pot. If you let them stay on board with us, you can come collect their souls at a letter to date, and in return, if you let us keep doing our sinister work, I can guarantee you an influx. Okay, that's not really how this. This really isn't how it works.

We deal in lead, friend. We deal in lead, as my friend has said, and we, I know you wanty souls, right? And these are going to be top-notch. Mm-hmm. Delicious souls. Right, right. This isn't. Oh, before their time, delectable.

This is not really a, it's not like we're playing, this isn't a dark souls game. It's not like a weird. It's wanty souls. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, sound good? You give them, say, what, 20 years?

Oh, my. That's probably longer than you three of them. got loved in you. What? Wait, what? I'm just saying, just based on your sort of habits. I'd be willing to, here's my thing.

Here's my thing. I love games and gambling and risks and wits and wages. I love all that. I know. I saw him Bill and Ted. You went crazy on that stuff. Oh, you're familiar. Wonderful.

So if you can sweeten the pot, make something in it, get something in there for me. I'm not so much interested in you just murdering a bunch of fools because that does, you know, nothing for me. But, you know, put something in old cravitz's pocket. Anybody in particular you want snuffed? Yeah, I've got an idea. Okay, hit me. How about a card game? All right.

Let me switch to my Cockney card game play. in voice. What we're talking about? We talk about Uno. We talk about Scrapple. How about we just make it simple? High card draw. Okay. This seems like we could be... Unless you're afraid. No, I would... I prefer a nice game of Baccarat over a cigar. But yeah, all right. Let's play a high card draw. Let's do it. See, I'm very excited because I have a set of cheating cards. Oh, well, let's not use those. No, no, that was Travis saying that. I didn't do it in character voice, Griffin. Okay.

A line, we've worked so hard to keep clear. What are the cheating cards do? No idea. Okay. Probably should have looked that up before I engaged in the card game. Were they in fantasy hot Costco scraps? No, I think I picked them up off a body in like the first. Yeah, like episode two, you did.

You picked them up off of the like slave trader. Yeah. Hillbillies. Okay. can use those how would we resolve cheating a cheating deck of cards i would say that the best way to go bluff i think bluff check right um i also have a deck of cards here and i'd love to do some prop some prop work um so maybe we just like i'll draw one and that'll be cravitz's cards find the lady where's the lady yes everywhere keep your eye on the lady here's what we'll do i'll draw one for cravitz okay and then

we'll draw one for you magnus and then if it doesn't if it beats it you win if it doesn't if it doesn't beat it, you make a deception check or a slide of hand check, either one. And if you're successful, you can go again at infinitum. Got it. That's a nine of clubs. And that's a five of clubs for you. So why don't you make a whichever one you want? And let's say you beat a DC 13.

Okay. That was a 14. Slide of hand, 12 plus 2. Okay. Thank you, Jesus. There it is, Jack of Diamonds. Okay, yeah. All right, that felt like maybe a little anticlimactic.

Maybe we should go best two out of three. What do you say? We got also arm, Russell. I mean, we didn't sort of establish a wager for me what I would get out of that. But I was just going to sort of collect all of your souls if you lost. Oh, tits. But you know, you did good. You did great.

You know, I wanted to let you have this anyway. You three have done a lot of great work tonight. Let's just, those rules of nature. are there for a reason. So let's just stop running a foul of them as if this was all just sort of fun-funzy-fund make-believe. What do you say? You got it. He starts to walk back towards the rift that he has opened up. And he says, well, it's been real and it's been fun. And it's been real fun. But I'm going to head back to the other side. Maureen Bot. uh,

stands up, uh, from, you know what? I'm going to go ahead and say that Marine bot, uh, helped you get out from under the mirror because this is getting fucking ridiculous. Yeah.

No, no, no. I was having too much fun envisioning Travis doing all this stuff while under the mirror. You did, you did that whole card trick thing, using the mirror on top of you as a makeshift card table. Yeah.

Shuffle up and deal. Where's the lady? Find the lady. She's not my tummy. Uh, Maureen walks towards him and says, Lucas, I'm so sorry. I know you did so much to help me out,

but I can't stay. I can't stay. I have to go back. When I entered the Cosmoscope, I saw something I should not have seen, and it killed me, and it destroyed my mind, and I lost myself,

and my willpower was taken from me, and the only way I was able to recover and fight off the spirits that inhabited me in that crystal stalactite was to partition what I saw in the cosmoscope to this conduit's internal memory. But as long as I'm here, I'm in danger of remembering,

and I can't lose control like that again. I won't. And she walks over to you, Taco, and Merle, and says, please, whatever punishments you require for Lucas, I understand, but please promise me, do whatever you can, just keep him safe, please. Team meeting. Can I have a quick team meeting? Quick team meeting. I'm making a dramatic exit, but as long as it's quick, yeah, sure.

I stitched the word dickhead in his body, just so you guys know. So we get our revenge in secret. Yeah, that pretty much makes up for it. Good job. Yeah, trying to kill us and everything. Okay. Can you promise me that you'll keep my son safe and not stitch the word dickhead into his body? You got it. No. Can't promise.

She walks over to Lucas and sort of kneels down over him. And Lucas looks like really upset, but he's not really saying anything. He kind of seems like he's in shock a little bit. And she says, I know this seems unfair, but it's really not that bad over there. As dour as this sounds, we'll see each other again. someday. And then she leans in close

and whispers something to him. And then the light pops out of her conduit and floats over to the robot that Kravitz is in and the light pops out of his conduit.

Cravitz. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tell Julia I said I love her. All right. There's a lot of Julia's over there, but never mind.

I'm kidding. I know who you're talking about. Thank you. All right, Maureen, you're ready to go? She says, uh, yes, I'll see you later. And disappears through the rift. And he goes through the portal as well and it closes up. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, you were going to ask about Elvis. Yeah, I was. I was. I was going to ask about Elvis. A rift opens back up. A rift opens back up. And he pops out. He goes, what?

Uh, how's Elvis? Um, still alive. The mystery continues. Bye. Bye. Dad had a fish named Elvis Did he? Didn't we have a fish that got froze over in real life?

No, that was Bob Shubi. Bob Shubi got frozen in real life. And came back to life. Came back to life and grew so large that we had to let him go in Fourpole Greek. Is that true? Yes, it's true. Oh, wait a minute.

You flushed him, didn't you? You son of a bitch. You were too tender and gentle. Son of a bitch, I thought until just... You were only a sophomore in college. You couldn't have handled that heartbreak. He had to let him go to the creek because he was so big. I thought that was true.

Well, guys, let's just dial this in real quick because that would also definitely still kill him. That's fair. It was not a very clean creek. It was a bad creek. I mean, it's still not a very good creek. Elvis was a Pocostima, one of those scum suckers, wouldn't he? Lucas stands up, still not really saying anything and walks over to a console and punches in some buttons. and you feel the lab around you start to come back to life.

And Noel actually walks over to, Magnus, are you out from under the mirror? Let's say this is the time where Noel comes over and with her four robot arms. We're cool on crystals, right? The crystal and menace is like, done. Oh, yeah, it stopped. Maureen was the one in control of that and she stopped using it. Justin, is the crystalline minis like a propaganda poster about some far off country? We must stop the crystalline menace.

Um, the, uh, uh, so, Noel helps you out, Magnus and says, uh, Magnus, I really appreciate you going to bat for me there. That was, um, that was real brave. That was real brave. That was real sweet. Anytime. The ladies love you. It was my, I mean. And, and Taco and Merle and Carrie, all of you. I, you, you all did great tonight. Um, she, she lifts the mirror up off you and pulls you out. Um, oh, thanks. That was crushing my weiner. You really broke the tension.

I appreciate that, Magnus. Lucas says, all right, I stabilized the lab. The exterior hall is reverted back from its crystallization, so the weight differential is able to be supported by the core. But most of the interior systems have been compromised, so I don't really have an escape route. But I think I have another way out. Heaney presses a few more buttons on the console,

and through the wall of this lab chamber, the Kool-Aid man, a familiar face appears. Oh, yeah. One with a glowing red clown nose and a terrifying facial features perched on some elevator doors. Mr. Ubsie. And he goes, looks like everyone came out of this, scrape, safe and sound. It's a candle night's miracle. Oh, yeah, this is still happening at candle nights, wasn't it?

Yep. By the way, I rescued your orc friend in that big family of dog. And Kerry goes, oh, you got Killianaut. Oh, thank God, I was so worried. Yeah, me too. Me three. Well, you know the trail. Climbing in my belly.

And his doors open up. As his elevator door face opens up, there's actually some like strings of goo that separate. As he opens up as a sort of elevator slime. that sort of falls to the ground. Oh, God. I don't got all day. Man, let's get on. All right.

Yeah, I get on. All of you pop in. You, three, Carrie, and Noel. Lucas starts to walk toward the elevator, and then turns and walks over to Maureen's disabled conduit and takes a small screwdriver out of his coat. and pops out the central fuse that she had in her conduit. And it kind of looks like a small lantern.

Now that he's sort of just holding it free from the robot, Lucas takes this lantern and walks over and holds it out in your guys' direction and says, I know I fucked you guys over tonight. and I'm probably never going to be able to make that up to you. But whatever my mom saw in the Cosmoscope, I don't want to know what it was. And if what she said is true, it's somewhere in here. I want you guys to take this and keep it safe.

And I'm going to, I guess I'm going to make myself scarce. Before you go. Yeah. Listen. Take care of those stitches. You know, so they'll heal right. Yeah, I have medical training, so I'll be able to, you know, take care of them. Lucas, go out and do good.

Okay. I'm going to do my best. I promise. You'll never see me again, but if you do, I'll be doing good and don't kill me instantly. I'll try to stay away for you, but I don't know. like we should like no promises. Let's match up our schedules just to make sure that we don't,

you know, I'll put you on a Google calendar and we'll try to figure it out, but no promises. That sounds good. I'll Skype you. I'll sky view. No, don't do that. We don't have very good reception on the moon.

Upsi's face closes. And digestion begins. The digestive process begins. Hold on. I'm really going to take my time with this part. And you can actually see through Mr. Upsi's eyes as he, He's not like on a wire.

He's basically straight up winking on some shit as he flies backwards out of the hole that he made in the wall and out of the lab, which you see sort of getting smaller and smaller as you, your party inside of Mr. Upsi, sails through a snowy sky led by Upsi's bright red nose and back up into the hole in the moon. Hey everybody, this is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master and your fungeon master. Now, what's a fungeon master? I hear you asking. It means I do like corporate retreats. Thanks for listening to the Adventure Zone episode 39, the final chapter, and I swear, I mean at this time, of the Crystal Kingdom story arc.

I know we've been beating that drum for a while, but it felt weird for it to just be like, hey, here's a big final boss fight. Anyway, it's immediately on to the next thing. We're going to do a lunar interlude next week, or not next week, two weeks from now, and then it's on to the new campaign arc. I'm really excited to get to it. I want to think everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the hashtag the Zonecast. We're going to do kind of a different lunar interlude for the next episode, which I'm very excited to get to.

And then after that, we're going to start a new story arc. There's going to be lots of new characters, lots of opportunities to be named after one of those. characters. Sorry, no, wait, flip it. You're not going to name yourself Taco. That doesn't make any sense. But we'll name the characters after you. Just tweet about the show using the hashtag the zone cast. And if I see your name and it sounds like something that would match up with the character I have designed, then you'll end up as that character. Easy, easy, peasy, lemon squeasy. Also, thanks for telling your friends about the show. We don't pay to advertise for the Adventure Zone literally at all. Your word of mouth is all that we have.

to go on. So if you have a friend who's kind of a geek that you think would enjoy the show, or not a geek. We don't want a geek shame. Then tell them about the Adventure Zone. We sure do appreciate it. You can also help us out by leaving a review on iTunes and subscribe, but you know all that shit. Let's read some personal messages. If you want to get a message on the show, just go to Maximumfund.org.combotron. You can find out how to do it there. Got a bunch on this episode, so let's dig in. I got a message here for Kira. And it's, I'm specifically told it's pronounced like the female gelfling's name in the dark crystal and or Kira Knightley. And that helpful tip was sent in by Kira's mom, who says,

Happy 13th birthday to the most brilliant, gorgeous, talented, snarky geekling and junior delicate flower a mother geek could ever hope to spawn. I love that we can enjoy so many fandoms and shows together, including the Adventure Zone. Remember, when all else fails, Akio giant piece of plywood. Love you bunches. I don't have anything for you to say. is a very, very sweet message, and this sounds like a pretty ball and family unit.

Sorry that the show has so many, just like what I would call hypermature themes. Got another message here. This one's for Stephen the Crazy Bot. And it's from Garrett, the Night Shift Night, who says, Hey, homie, happy birthday. Man, we've been on so many crazy-ass adventures, huh? Let's hope sometime this year we can actually try playing D&D ourselves,

and if not, more Adventure Zone Adventures to Adventure the Adventure. Adventure. DM, Stephen's character, is a ranger, and the role is an A. What does he get from the fantasy goshapon? I don't have a fantasy gashapon loot table designed for a ranger, but I'm going to say a nice gray hat. A knight, just a hat that looks real nice. Our next message is for Cavanagh White, a Templar,

and it's from Northern, a dungeon master, who says, in a fiction that I desperately want to know more about, Tristan, Synthetic. As you move into this next season of your life with the wonderful partner you've found, I want to congratulate you and wish you the best. May you two grow deeper and greater together. If you change your mind, we can still live the dream we once held. So meet me with Vixie at the OPH off Bass Lake on Sunday, or potentially Bass Lake. I'm assuming all of that was in fiction. And now I want to, I kind of actually want to know more about Base Lake. Is this like some sort of dubstep fantasy world? Because If so, hold on, let me just delete the rest of the campaign notes I have for the adventure zone.

Okay, and they're gone, and I'm going to chase that bliss. I'm going to chase that dubstep fantasy setting. And one last message for this episode. It is for the dread pirate Ian, and it's from Katie, who says, to my dashing rogue. I can't believe it's been four years since we had that epic sword fight and then got married. What a crazy day. Since then, it's been nothing but adventure and quoting Magic Brian, and I wouldn't have it any other way. You're the Elon to my Haley, the Merle to my vines, yuck. And I'm settling this

once and for all. I love you more. I think that's evidence by the fact that you got up on this show before the Dread Pyreidian. So yeah, by my metric, my judging, you crushed it. Go check out the other shows on the Maximum Fun Network. There's a bunch of really great all totally free programs on there. How about the newcomer, the beef and dairy network? It has become my number one source for all kinds of news, any kind of news that I could ever hope for regarding steak and milk and how to like feed cows and take care of them properly. I've learned a lot from it. Again, the beef and dairy network on Maximumfund.org, it's essential. If you want to hear us, do other podcasts, we have a whole fleet of them. You can find them at macroyshows.com.

I've got one that I do with my wife called Rose Buddies, where we talk about The Bachelor. another one that I do for Polygon called Cool Games Inc, where we design cool video games. Justin has one that he does with his wife, Sydney, called Sawbones, which is a medical history show. Travis has a whole bunch of shows, including Interrobang and Schmanor's show he does with his wife, Teresa, about the history and proper execution of manners. They're all great, and they are all at macaroyshows.com. Thanks for listening. We're going to get back right into the episode now.

The next episode of The Adventure Zone will be up on Thursday. May 19th. Again, like I said, it'll be a lunar interlude. We're going to do our usual character management stuff as well as some new storytelling stuff that we haven't really tried before. We did do fantasy Costco, but we've already recorded that bit already. So hold on to your item submissions until the next time that they return to the shop. And yeah, until then, until May 19th, hang in there?

Yeah, hang in there. So you've returned to the Bureau of Balance Headquarters. And as the doors of Upsi open, you see it's actually not as thoroughly staffed as the Bureau H.Q usually is, because it's very late at night at this point. We'll say it's probably around like four in the morning. Still candle nights. You began this adventure like early evening in Candle. nights and just made it through, although I'm pretty sure the timing on that doesn't work out based on the arbitrary time limits that I kept setting throughout that, well, whatever.

And you are met with applause. It's not as fervent as it usually is, because again, people are pretty drowsy, but people are, you are welcomed warmly by adoring fans as you step out of this weird living elevator and start to walk towards the main hall. And as you approach the main hall and you walk across the quad, which is, you're protected by some sort of barrier from the blizzard around you you see a large

shape wearing a null suit charging at all of you from the main hall and as this shape gets closer you realize it's actually Killian who rushes in and swoops up Carrie in a big old spinning hug and she

says you good and Carey says psh yeah and Killian looks at the rest of you guys and is, uh, are you all good? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, pretty good. I've been considered.

I've been better. How's the arm, Earl? Hmm. Thorny. That doesn't sound good at all. But like in a good way. Um, uh, all of you, Noel, Carrie, Killian, and the three of you are, uh, have made it to the main hall and you are standing in front of the director.

This is the room where, uh, one of the, uh, walls sort of opens up to a massive window into the chamber where the relics have been destroyed. It is, it is really late. Some, some groggy looking staff have assembled to help sort of conduct the destruction of the Philosopher Stone. Davenport is in the room by the director's chair. Angus is off in a corner somewhere, basically half asleep, but he gives you guys a big thumbs up and a big, a big cheesy grin.

Angus, I give Angus a thumbs down. and I go I do the thing where you put your hands together and then you put two fingers through and you twist it around and then you wiggle the two fingers he looks amazed wow oh my he runs up to you Matt

oh my god sir have you become have you been learning wizardly magic? I take his nose oh my god why doesn't it hurt I cast I cast

press the digitation to make it look like his nose isn't there oh good And even Magnus is surprised His childlike wonderment Turns to absolute terror As he goes

No please give it back Give it back I need that to smell You and you're eating Oh no Hey Angus Do you know how you're gonna smell now? No

Terrible How could you It's chiming I was just chiming He reaches up and touches as it feels his nose is still there and goes, wow, okay, that was kind of a dark one.

It's kind of messed up. And he says, good job, by the way. I'm really proud of you guys. And walks back to the corner he was standing in. Couldn't have done it without you, Dangus. The director, who also looks pretty tired. Let's just assume that you kind of debriefer

on what happened there, because I don't think anybody wants to hear a thorough rehashing of the last 11 episodes of the adventures of. Bluff checks and deception checks. Yeah, are we telling her the truth? Okay, I guess we can play this out. I guess if you do want to bluff about, let's just skip ahead to that part,

to the final encounter. And she says, so tell me exactly, how did Lucas die? Are you certain that he is gone? He was trying to stop the terror he created, but it turned on him. He was blasted by some kind of spectral energy blast. We're not sure. And it blew him away.

He was sending him. He's no longer with us. And also his mother was in a robot, and she took him. What does that? What do you mean? took him. It was very sweet. I'm trying to use appropriate language, okay? She took him. Like, she took his body. His remains. Yeah. That's, that's very unfortunate. Lucas was, Lucas was instrumental in the creation of the Bureau of Balance. And to think that he could be

turned by a grand relic is very disheartening. There were a lot of other factors. Hopefully he can find some, some rest in the astral plane. I roll this. 16, by the way, plus one. On your bluff check? Yeah, deception check. On what? Deception check, there's no bluff in fifth edition. Oh, weird.

Okay. Yeah, that'll be sufficient. I was going to make one of you guys roll it, so that's fine. And I didn't lie, so. And you did not lie. Yes, you're very careful. Okay. And now she walks over to Noel and addresses her and says,

I've heard a lot about you through their stones of far speech. Rather, I should say, I heard you. More specifically, I heard you kill a bunch of ghost-filled robots. And Noel says, yeah, that was me. Did a point of order, does, is no, like, when she was just talking to us about, like, the beer of balance and Lucas's import to it, was Noel hearing that? Is she just getting a lot of static? Or, like, is there a way to get her, like, will the voidfish's acre still, like, work on her? I mean, you could ask her.

I guess I could... Hey, Noel, have you been hearing any like weird static? No, what do you mean? Cool. And the director says, I had the same suspicion, Taco. Noel, I'm the director of the Bureau of Balance, where an organization dedicated to the collection and destruction of the grand relics, like the one that destroyed the Miller's laboratory earlier tonight and killed you in Fandolin some months back.

Now, please, this will sound weird, but please repeat the name of our organization. And Noel says, uh, oh, the Bureau of Balance? And the director looks at the three of you. What? She says that anyone else see a problem with this? Well, I do worry if, ooh, okay. I do see one problem is that if souls are going to keep coming back over from that side, that's something we're going to have to be aware of,

because it seems like once you've slipped past this plane and return to it, you've maybe freed yourself from the voidfish's magic. I had the same. Oh, shit. I had a similar suspicion. When I could hear you all through your stones of far speech, I lost contact with you once you went to the lower levels. But I heard you fighting with what sounded like Magic Brian.

And Magic Brian, his two accomplices knew who he was, which they should not have been able to do if they were not inoculated. Magic Brian's been a race. It seems like the undead, or I should say the living dead, are immune to the Void Fish's powers. Director, is it possible the red the red cloak people are extra planer, are undead spirits? I don't have enough to go on right now, but I'm fairly certain that might be the case. Because I tried to give one a wapton of chopping and I couldn't get at it, which makes me think maybe it's like a ghost thing. Let's debrief about that later, she says. Cool, cool, cool, cool, got it.

I've got another problem. I got a bigger problem. Yes. Our initials are Bob. Yeah, that doesn't bother anybody? We're the agents of Bob? Well, we used to be the Bureau of Outstanding Balance. And that was, that's just a non-starter.

She says. Boo-ab? Yes, Boo-wab. Carrie says Okay, so Noel already knows what we're up to here. Why don't we put her to work? Like, I think Noel would make a pretty ballin regulator

and now that Boyland is gone, God rest his sweet soul. Me and Killian could use a replacement for our trio. And Killian says, hell yes, I love this plan. Me and Carrie and a robot ghost with a gun arm, fuck yeah, that's awesome. Sounds like a spinoff. That sounds like, yeah, that's some torch-wit shit.

I'm into that. And Noel says, well, if I can stop more stuff like this from happening, I'd be happy to join up. And director says, well, by my count, you killed about a dozen ghost bots tonight. So I think we can skip the formalities of the rights of initiation. You boys remember that, right? You had no problem at all taking care of those. Well, Noel, congratulations. I guess we'll figure out a way to put a bracer on.

that later. Just for more sort of a press, a more pressing issue that we should try and get into right now is Magnus. Payment! Is that what you're going to say? Were you going to say payment? Payment will be delivered

upon receipt. Sweet, sweet luke. Upon the receipt of the rock that is currently working its way through Magnus's digest. I'm going to need some magical prunes. I cast zone of stool softener. She says, we don't have that kind of time.

I don't want you to be constantly subject to the temptation and the thrall of the Philosopher's Stone for the next 36 hours. It's going to, you can't just poop out a rock, she says. I've done a lot of research. I've pooped out a lot of things. We need to figure out a way to get that rock out of you right now, she says. I could puke it. that would take some real doing. Oh.

I think I need to do surgery. Oh, no. Yeah, let me help out my good friend who helped me out with my hand. Let me help out my buddy. I just start sticking my fingers down my throat. I'm good. Come here. Lay down.

Boy, this is a real horror show. Just give me a second. That rock has, you ate that rock about 45 minutes ago. So it's like down there. It's not, yeah, that doesn't seem to be working. I don't have a solution. Madness starts punching himself in the stomach. That works, that's fine.

I don't have a solution in mind for how your guys are going to do this. I want you to really explore the space. Okay. Do you have any transportation magic? Do I have any transport? I don't. I can see what Leon has. Yeah, get Leon.

What's Pringles doing? Pringles has been imprisoned for several months. And the fact that you have forgotten that makes you think that maybe he wasn't so important to you. I meant like what's he doing as far as like magic these days. None. He's in the in the pokey. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. I think we should see what our cleric can cook up.

This definitely seems like his area. It would be kind of what I do. I have a suggestion actually. Let's hear it. Okay. I have a spell called stone shape. Where I can influence the shape of a stone to change it and alter it.

And perhaps if I change the shape of this stone inside of him, it might come out a little easier. Might have an easier egress. Okay. I'm thinking something with hooks. Jeez. And a big bulbous... No, sorry.

I may not. I can change the shape of the stone inside of him so he can pass it easier. Now, do you want to remind you that? I dropped off your hand and saved your damn life. It's not like I did it out of malice. I'm trying to save you so you don't have peritonitis. Because your tone of voice does not convey that at all, Merrill. I'm listening to you with my ears.

if possible, I would love to avoid a shitting-based solution. A, because I don't want to know what exists beyond the explicit tag in iTunes. I don't, like, is there a fucking NC-17 rating? I don't want to, I don't think I want to be a part of that. But also, I would also not like this scene to drag on as long as a human being's digestive cycle. Wait a no, no, no, no, wait a minute, I got it. I got it. We can work together on this, you and me.

Okay. See? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I have a spell called stone skin. Okay.

So here's what I'm suggesting. Instead of changing the shape of the stone, let's change the shape of the Magnus. Oh. So we're looking elementary canal. Exactly. Elementary, my dear Watson. Okay, here we go. Okay.

So I'm going to cast stone skin... Is this where we can do like a propeller cutaway? And then it comes back and it's done and everything went great. I'm casting a stone skin on Magnus. Okay. Magnus, you're going to lie down for this? Or... Knock me the fuck out. I cast sleep on Magnus.

Okay. I got spell slots to burn here. I cast sleep on Magnus. Magnus is out, and I'll cast stone skin on Magnus to make his skin into stone. Okay. Magnus, your skin is stone, but you are asleep. I'm dreaming of large women. Go on. All right, so you now you have stone. I have stone shape. I just have to decide what shape. Like a tube. Come on, man.

I'm asleep. You're going to turn it into a bag or a shelf with the rock sitting on it. It would pass a lot easier if it were like, A spiral. A fun spiral. Like a screw kind of coil kind of thing. Like a fun spiral. Hong shoe.

Please just do it and get it done. Hong shoo. Okay. That's what I go with. I go with the spiral. It falls out. Okay, hold on. I imagine I'm not the only person having a hard time visualizing what literally just

happened to Magnus's human body. I think that is saying he changed the bottom half of his. body from waist to toes into a large stone fun stone spiral. Yeah. Like a water slide. Like a fun water slide that the rock could just

harmlessly slide down. You know like those bubble gun machines you know and they go down the little pass and they so you turned the bottom half just making sure I got this because people are going to draw fan art of this and it's going to be fucked I'll turn it back.

You turn the bottom half of his body. You turn him into like springy, the spring sprite, and waited for the stone to just kind of tumble out of his butt tube that you've created. Yep, yep, yep, that sounds good. Dungeons and Dragons is a great game. It's a very good game. You don't get this shit in shoots and ladders, that's for sure. You do actually, you explicitly get this in shoots and ladders.

Absolutely true. Yeah, you do get that. I mean, we're playing, I would say, generously fast and loose. some of the 5E. We may have moved, we have given everybody a sneak preview of six E. Six editions,

mostly scat magic. Okay. The philosopher's stone comes tumbling out of Magnus's supine form. And P.U. Stinkeroon.

Like a child on a marquee water slide at Schlitterbahn. And tumbles and rolls across the floor. And to make it even worse, we videoed the entire thing. Absolutely. you did.

And you kind of get a better chance to look at it now that you're not also fighting a big ghost monster. And it just looks like a plain looking rock. It's light brown. It's got smooth edges. It's, okay, I just changed it.

It's light gray. It's got smooth edges. It looks like a little nugget of poop. No, it's a pretty, again, we're teetering on the NC17 rating. It is,

it's an innocuous looking object, but you can't help but feel a sense of unease, just being around the philosopher's stone. Am I still sleeping slinky? Yeah. Can somebody please unslinky him, because it's getting, it's goofy. Make a lick a hi, mecahany ho. Okay, he is back in human form, but still stony, I guess? He's still a stone's speaking next hour, so it doesn't limit his movement.

So yeah, you get the sense of unease, being around the philosopher's stone. It's giving off an energy Like you know when you used to like lick a double a battery and you'd feel like uncomfortable? That's what it's like it's a it's an it's giving off an uncomfortably energetic ORA We're ready for you to summon Davenport Davenport's actually standing right there and he says that Davenport Davenport

Feel free to destroy my stone baby Carrie actually starts to walk towards the philosopher's stone And she seems like out of it. Like, she just starts, like, uh, uh, reaching out towards it, like with a hand out stretched, uh, and starts, starts walking towards it. I use the handle of the umbra staff to, uh,

knock it over to Davenport. Okay, you give it the old knuckle puck. Yeah. Uh, okay, as, as, as you knock it towards Davenport, uh, he actually catches it perfectly. Uh, and, uh, carry like, Carrie like falls forward to her knees as like she was like

about to jump on it and she falls forward and like shakes her head and looks up at you guys as like well I just oh man it's a thrall I know right that was that could have been really bad thank try having it in your tummy thanks that would have been that would have been super duper bad

and everyone everyone agrees that would have been super bad does everyone agree let's go around the room what a competent person with one of the artifacts I think that would have been bad. Davenport looks down at the Philosopher's Stone, and his eyes seemed to just sort of go into the days. Davenport. Put it on the tray. He looks up of everybody.

He goes, Davenport! Oh, beloved Templeton. And he tosses it into one of those big lead balls and shuts the, uh, and shuts the, uh, the hatch on it. and a couple of guards start to wheel it out of the room, back into the back room. And then a few seconds later, you see it up here. The director draws a curtain, and you can see the window into the cerebro chamber, and the guards lift the ball up into the central pillar of the chamber, and the director taps her white oak staff on the ground.

And like you've seen three times now, these huge, columns of light, stab through the ball. As you do, you can faintly hear the encased screams of Joe Pesci. Because that's what... Now, what does that sound like? Just from a sonic. Oh, yes. The pillars pierce the ball.

The room goes dark. The guards come and fetch the lead ball. A wheel it back into... A wheeled out of the cerebro chamber. A few seconds later, they appear back. into the main hall, and they open up the ball, and it has emptied out. Cool. So that's for it.

So that's the glove, the belt, the stone, and whatever. And the Oculus, the lens from the train. Is that what, is the, the Oculus is what. Jenkins. Yeah, that was the, that was the one that you rescued from the train. So we're, that's like halfway, right? We're more than halfway there. Yeah, that's.

More than halfway. I, um, good for us. This is going better than I. I ever could have expected. You three. Us too. Yeah. Well, you six did excellent work tonight.

I'm very proud of all of you. She says, Davenport! Davenport heads into the back room and comes back out with six small burlap bags. Actually, they're not pretty small. These bags are actually decent size. They look like something that a burglar might bring out of a bank or something, because each one contains 2,000 gold pieces and a token for the fantasy goshapon.

Well, happy candle nights to us. Hi, everybody. Freeze frame. Not quite. Oh, damn it. You said freeze frame. I said freeze frame, Griffin. Unpause.

She says, you're all free to go, but Merle, Magnus and Taco, I'd like to see you in my office before. You retire for the evening. Okay. All right. You walk back into her office through a door directly behind her chair in the main hall. You've been in this office before. It's the, I can't remember the last time you're in here. I don't know if you guys do.

You came in here once during one of the lunar interludes. Oh, yes, when we wanted to tell her about Captain, Captain Bain. Yes, that's right. So you're back in this office. office. And there are three seats pulled up to her desk. She sits down at the seat behind her desk and invites you to sit with her. And she says, I'll be quick. I know you've had a long night. What have I done to lose your trust? I was listening in and I heard you parley.

with the red robe again after I explicitly asked you not to. When did we? You were spying on us? Yeah, this is a legitimate Travis McRae question. When did we do that? In the Cosmoscope and the red robe thing appeared before you and you talked to it. If you'll remember at the end of Pedals of the Metal, you talked with it, and she said next time you see that thing just fucking run away. Don't talk to it.

Director, everything up to this point has taught us not to trust anybody. we haven't been getting all the information and I think you would agree that that's true If you want us to trust you, we need to know everything you know about the hooded figures I don't know about the hooded figures But if you want to know whether or not you can trust me

I have no reason to She reaches down under her desk And opens up a drawer And she pulls out of gun and just opens you fools up. She pulls out a small glass orb and produces a small wand and she touches the wand to the orb.

And from the top of this orb, these three-dimensional images, like these holograms sprout from the top of the ball. And they start to cycle through a series of shots of what looked like destroyed towns of different sizes. Uh-oh. And she says,

this is the settlement of Armos where a seven-year-old girl found the philosopher's stone and turned the city into peppermint candy. Uh, and sure enough, this, this, it looks vaguely Candyland-esque,

this, this settlement. And she says, uh, 714 people were killed. And then she taps on the orb again, and a different village appears, and she says, this is the village of Greenhold, where a warlord used the oculus to manifest a small black hole, which annihilated the entire town, killing 1,152 people. And she taps it again, and you just see an ocean, and she says, this used to be the archipelago of Moonshay, which drowned in three minutes under the weight of a storm summoned by the Gaia sash, 2,512 people.

She taps it again, and you just see a sequence of black glass circles. And she says, certainly this looks familiar. Certainly you recognize Fandlin. And the other seven cities that have been destroyed by the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet. Eight cities destroyed, total. Twelve thousand dead. She says, I swear to you, I am trying to stop this from happening. And we're over halfway done, but if you give up on me,

Now, if you stop trusting me now, we have already lost. I need to know, are you with me or are you against me? Director, here's the truth. What did you have for lunch on December 3rd, 2015? You don't remember, right? No. Well, that's when you told us not to talk to the red ropes. So what I'm saying is we forgot, okay?

It was a very long... It's not necessarily mistrust. It's just stupidity. Like, just write us a note, okay? Have you just met us? Yeah, like, we just write a note. We're really stupid. Next time, if you can hear it happen on the stone,

just be like, hey, dummies, remember? Hey, dummies, remember? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh. She puts the orb and wand away and kind of laughs to herself and says, I'm sorry, I just... We're getting so close. We really are. And I just, I don't, I mean, we're getting close to finishing our goal.

And I guess we're also getting, you know, closer as people. It's just, I- High five. Okay, she high-fives you. Yeah. I just, I guess I have my own trust issues as well. If you say it was a mistake, I believe you. Just please, it's whatever the-

Director, don't you want us to get as much information out of the red hoods as we can? You have to trust us, too. You're right. You're right. I apologize. I got overdramatic there for a second. If we forgive you. How are you listening to all this shit? You have invaded our privacy. We have stones. She takes her stone of far speech out of her pocket. She's like, look, there's a little switch right here. You can just sort of flip it.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Did you? Oh, get right out of town. I'm sorry. Now who has trust issues. Yeah. I'm sorry for getting so serious. I've just been putting my hand over it like a Dummy. This is going to take a couple of thousand pieces of gold for me to get over this. Oh, unfortunately, my per diem is empty.

I don't believe you. Listen, I, this is a work in progress. This, this thing we're working on here. I'm sorry to raise a stink on candle nights of all nights. You're free to go. This is, as you say, a work in progress. And this is a twerk in progress. And I start twerk.

Ooh, you like that. Free train. But I'm still twerking. Yeah. Everybody doesn't is frozen. Yeah. Like in a police squat. I'm just torquing.

It's everyone else freezes. I'm going to do a little post-credits epilogue to the Crystal Kingdom. Okay. Should we listen? Yeah, sure. You've returned to your upgraded bedroom suite. And started to... started to unpack your adventure kits.

You're also cleaning up after the candle nights party. Your bedroom is still kind of decorated with candle nights regalia. There's gift wrapping sort of strewn across the room. And some drinks and refreshments are left out. People left this party in a hurry to kick off this mission. Through the glass window below, you can see the dim lights of the Miller's lab shine through a thick blanket of of snow

and as you're unpacking and getting ready for bed Taco you hear a voice coming out of your bag as you wrestle around you find the source of it and it's the fuse that Lucas recovered from his mother's conduit and handed to you all And it's unlike Are we all together

Griffin or is... Yeah you're all together We're eating Schwarma And it's you're having secandalized shwama It's cold, but it's still good. And this lantern is unlit. There's no spirit inside of it. It's vacant.

But you can feel some machinery inside of it faintly whirring. And you hear a voice inside of it, and the voice sounds kind of like Maureen's voice, but like totally lifeless and, for lack of a better term, inanimate. And you hear this voice deliver what sounds like. like kind of a grim prophecy. And this lantern says, I saw all of existence all at once. I saw a dark storm,

a living hunger eating it from within. But I saw a brilliant light heralded by seven birds flying tirelessly from the storm. I saw seven birds, the twins, the lover, the protector, the lonely journal keeper, the peacemaker and the wordless one. And then it repeats that list again.

The twins, the lover, the protector, the lonely journal keeper, the peacemaker, and the wordless one. And it actually repeats it several more times before the machinery inside of it dies down and it is silenced. That's the worst candle nights carol I've ever heard. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. New to Maximum Fun, the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

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