The Adventure Zone - Ep. 4. Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Four

Episode Date: January 1, 2015

After solving a particularly difficult jelly puzzle, our heroes journey ever deeper into Wave Echo Cave. Taako meets a kindred spirit, Merle does some missionary work and Magnus does some really cool stuff with some chains. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Last time on the Adventure Zone. Gunnjurn was sold or given to someone named the Black Spider. Gundren and his two brothers. The three of them have a claim to the lost mine of Fandlin. Caves called Wave Echo Cave. And I know that's a silly name. You managed to find your way to the entrance of Wave Echo Cave. You see the body of a dwarf.

It is, it's Tharden, Tharden Rockseek, or one of them. By their cousin. Yeah, yeah. He died. I searched his body for valuables. You notice that his boots are magic boots of striding and springing, hanging from the ceiling a giant black blob mass. I'm going to hit it with my warhammer.

The jelly just sort of splatters. And you send a dwarven figure just flying. You recognize it as nundro, rock seeker. I'll drink from the spring. You can actually all take this. opportunity to take a little spring break if you want. Oh shit. I didn't even think about that.

Let's go see Kenny Chesney. That's who you'd want to see. Double, double, toil and trouble. We're cooking up a fresh batch of danger for you this week in the Adventure Zone. Are there exits here around on this level? Yeah, we came down the elevator. Where are the exits? There's just one around this sort of path leading around the spring.

At the end of the path is actually a big iron door, the first door that you've seen in this cave. It is, it is fortunately unlocked. You guys can go in fairly. Does it say push or pull? It says something in Dwarven. Which means egress. I speak Dwarven. What's it say?

I speak Dwarven? It says pull. Should we check the room before we leave? It's not really a room to speak of. It's really just the path leading around the spring. I pee in the spring. Oh, you do? Well, no more drinking out of that.

You didn't? You didn't. I didn't. Okay, good. I do. Oh, gosh. I leave. You do, and it actually responds to your pee.

It responds to rock seeker piss. Thank you. Oh, well, that was kind of what I was assuming. Yeah. Any body fluid that you've got in your body is sacred to this, this your mind. I am going to spend the rest of my game here. Here. I want to leave all.

I go, I walk out the door. I walk out of the door. Okay, you go through the door. What follows is actually sort of the longest stretch in this, this cave that you guys have been through. And you get the idea just sort of from how this tunnel has been carved out that this, this is like, the heart of the mining operation in Wave Echo Cave. This is where they were excavating or that they, you know, were ostensibly turning into magical weaponry.

Hey, guys, I think this is the heart of the mining operation. I think this is where they were excavating. Is that right? You actually, all three of you just sort of know this. So you're just kind of being asked. I just sort of know it. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm kind of nodding like, yeah.

Yeah, we know. Yeah. No, I just feel it in my bones. All of you, yeah. And we can't hear you because all the damn coins jingling in your bag. You guys are making your way through this cave or through this tunnel. And you can we, as we walk through, can we talk? Yeah, yeah.

I feel like I don't know you guys. Oh, this would be a perfect opportunity. It is a very, I don't know if you guys have ever walked through a mine before. It's a very long stretch. Well, I just feel like we've grown apart. And I just, you know. Stop singing Kenny Chesney How does everybody think the adventure is going?

I'd say solid B-minus. So far, so good by me. Are you saying the content of the adventure that you... You don't hear this happening. Okay. Shut up, God! This is just us talking. Let us talk.

Do you guys remember when we killed that goblin that looked like common and sounded like Kelsey Grammer? Today, the part of tacos being played by emo Phillips. I don't. Do you guys ever hear from Clark? He never writes. I miss Clark.

I miss Clark, too. I miss Clark, too. He's right behind. No. I think this cave is haunted. Okay, I take back what I said about talking and sharing. So on we go. Do you guys have a girl back home?

Someone rolled and see if they know if this cave is on. I'm going to throw an awkward throw? I rolled a 20. Yeah, everybody criticaled on the awkward threat. 19. Listen, this is just like, you know how sometimes you go to a work party and you try to talk to the people there. But it's tough.

You know, you guys are co-workers right now. You're not friends. I show Merle and Taco inappropriate drawings that I got from a girl at another village. And they get real, get real skeved. Yeah. And so is me. And so are the thousands of people listening to the show. She's waiting for me.

Back home. Great. Okay. Are we at the end? Oh, my gosh, it's cave. Yeah, you're at the end of the tunnel. It took you guys four days to get through it. Four days of just nudies.

And it sucked. And eating mushrooms. It was the worst. It was the worst. And newties. It was like college again. It was just shrooms and nudes. And it was the worst four days.

But we grew closer as friends. You didn't. Somehow we're stronger. That's the shitty part. You didn't even do that. You make it to the end of this tunnel and you reach a, a very strange room. It is, the floor of this room, it is a fairly large circular room.

The floor of it is just this massive grate that looks super, super solidly built. Looks like the kind of thing you can stand on without worrying about it collapsing under your weight. And you know that because on one side of the room is a bunch of super heavy-duty-looking, mining equipment. There's what looks to be some sort of like medieval fantasy jackhammer. There's a lot of, you know, handheld equipment, like pickaxes and stuff like that. The centerpiece of this room, though, is this giant grinding machine. It's got two rollers just sort of covered with spikes that you assume just like people put stone in

and it grinds down to fall through the grate that makes up the floor. It is this huge thing, and you see that and think, well, if the grate can hold up that thing, then we're probably aces. Surrounding the room about eight feet up is a sort of wooden ledge that circles the room, that maybe somebody could overlook this grinding room from very safely. The only exit from this room is actually up there on that ledge, on the opposite side of the room that you guys just entered from. Can we see down through the grate? You can.

It goes down a very, very long ways. You're pretty sure you can't see the bottom. Is there a ladder or anything up to the ledge? There is, yeah, on the other side of the room where the exit is. Is there any sign of short round and a bunch of kids in turbines running? around. Oh, sorry, for a second there, I thought you were doing a Goonies thing. I climb the ladder.

As you actually walk into the room, the door on that ledge opens very quickly. It was kicked open. And exiting from it is a young orc woman who is holding the biggest crossbow any of you have ever seen in your lives. I point at her and say, hey, I do the kicking around here. And she has this crossbow levied on you. She is totally, totally ready for you. And as you into the room, she points her crossbow at you

and just sort of stands there looking at you quizzically. Easy, Magnus. Hello. She's just sort of sitting there like, you hear her go, like, shit in orkish I'm assuming or in common she's speaking in common yeah

excellent I bow deeply to her I say hail and well met and then I think about kind of cliche sorry just give me one second I'm trying to

this is her speaking I'm trying to figure this out is it a mouth problem no it's not I'm just I just can't understand why other people would be here. I'm trying to figure out whether to just kill you guys right away.

I don't have a lot of time. I don't like collateral damage. I'm not, it does not reflect upon me very well. I'm just trying to crack the code of how other people could be here. Well, may I say something? Do it everyone. Have you heard the word of Martha Hammer-Douin today? What is that?

watchtower. Okay. What do you mean? Dad's witnessing. You're spreading the good news of Morthammer Dwin? Yeah. Great opportunity. No, thank you I'm spoken for.

Okay. Here's this. Here's the best offer I can make you. I'm going to ask you guys a question. Okay. I see my good people. Is it a riddle? It might be, depending on sort of where

you're at. I love riddles. Great. Is this your character development? Yeah. When you said development is now where they're air quotes, just want to make sure. Yeah, sure. Depending on your answer to this question, it's going to decide, I guess, what happens next.

Oh, like a choose-your-own adventure. Sort of, sure. Only if, like, 90% of the pages were, you died. Oh, like you end up with the Yeti? Yeah, this could be a Yeti picture. situation. Okay. Question on.

Are you here for the... Did she have something stuck in her throat, like a hair or something? Ah, wait, wait. I can't. We are not hunters. Okay. So, I just heard like a crackly thing, which actually tells me everything you need to know. Okay, you're not here for the...

And that's great news for me. but I cannot have you guys getting in my way. So here's my solution, and I think you're going to find it very equitable. I'm not going to shoot you with this giant crossbow. Great. I'm four. Go on. Instead, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small sort of handheld, I don't know,

it looks like a game show buzzer. And she clicks it down with her thumb, and a ball of light emits from it. and shoots into the air and very quickly zaps the crusher in the middle of the room. The wheels of which begin to spin, the rollers, the crushers inside begin to activate. And then the crusher itself seems to move. It seems to animate as if it has just been brought to life beyond its normal mechanical capabilities. and it's causing quite a clattern, quite a racket, and when you look up from it,

the orc woman is gone and has taken the ladder with her, it looks like. I know what to do. I contact C3BO and asking to turn off all the compactors on this level. So we're going to actually go to initiative. Against the crusher? I got 12. Chiboy got 20.

I got one. Woof. Damn. So this thing is deafening. It's very, very, very, very loud. There are some chains sort of hanging on the wall that are just sort of shaking and rattling. There are chains on the ceiling that are sort of shaking and rattling. There's a mine cart on the other side of the room that is shaking around.

This thing is super, super, super loud. and it is alive and it looks hungry and angry and taco you are first in the order. Excellent. Is it moving? Oh yeah. In our direction? Mm-hmm. Of course.

Does it look to have some sort of like controlling area like you would see on a like construction equipment? A big red glowing weak point? No, no, no. I mean like you would have some place. To control it. If it's a machine, is there like some sort of control panel or anything on it? No, this is, it doesn't, it's, it's, it's, it's just like a, just like a, a, a, a, a exosuit.

It's not supposed to be moving in, in, in this way. It's, it is not supposed to be alive. This is, this is, this is abnormal. This is a very powerful magic that you guys have never, never witnessed before. Cool, cool. Uh, I cast Thunderwave. Thunderwave. How close is it?

Uh, it is, it is, it is. It's very close to you guys. It's about eight feet away. Perfect. Okay. I cast Thunderwave. You have to make a Constitution saving throw. Okay. What kind of damage does Thunderwave do? That is going to be 2D8 thunder damage. Okay. And what am I saving against? Constitution. This thing has plus two constitution. I rolled an 8. That's a 10, maybe.

So 13, so no. Okay. Yeah, it is thundered. Okay, so we're going to take 2D8 thunder damage. Whoa, eight, eight, 16. Holy shit. Thunder damage, and it's going to get pushed back 10 feet. Really good news. This thing is actually weak against thunder damage.

What does that mean? It means you did double damage. Whoa. It's 32. Yeah, that's a big goddamn hit. Okay. I hit it with my thunder axe. How sweet does, Griffith, can you describe how sweet it looks when I do this?

This, this thing was charging you about to grab you with. with its mighty, mighty jaws that would have probably turned you into ground beef. If you knew what ground beef was, which you don't, or else you would know one of the legendary secrets of tacos. And just as it was about to make contact, you give it the old Fusraudah and send it flying across the room effortlessly, like you've just punted an empty two-liter of Diet Mountain Dew. When he does this, Magnus just turns to her mouth agape. But it's still alive, and it's still threshing.

And next in the order is Magnus. Can I get behind it? It's actually up against the wall now because it was just tossed. And how high is the ceiling? The ceiling is about 20. feet high. The ledge, the wooden ledge above you that the ladder was stolen from is about eight feet up. Great. And how low are the chains? The chains from the ceiling? They're hanging down about, hanging down about, we'll say about 10 feet. Great. There's also chains on the walls that are

on the level with you. They're just sort of hanging on hooks. Great, great. My magic jumping boots, do they let me jump higher? No. You're not layering. You're not layering. You're not, Larry goddamn bird. Do my Larry Bird boots let me jump higher? No, you haven't found the Larry Bird Boots yet. You've only found your magic jumping loafers. I take the chains down, as many as I can carry. Okay.

And I'm just going to heft them into the grinder. Okay. You don't even need to actually make a roll for that. I'm assuming that you can confidently, it's a big, it's a big target. you toss the chains into the grinder and as I do I raise my my shield to protect my face is my money maker yeah always got to take care of the face that's a good call too you throw these chains into the thing and it was not built for that uh you gum up the works you gum up the gully works uh and it's it's almost like it just tears itself apart from the inside out it is just in a a heap of of shrapnel uh the

the rollers are just torn asunder. Everything is flying all over the place. It sounds like a hail storm on your shield. And when you look up, there's just a heaping pile of debris. That horrifyingly is still sort of rumbling around. But it is decidedly taken care of. Cudas all around, gentlemen. Yeah, that was a very quick grinder battle.

But I want to make a perception check. The orc woman leans back in and go, I was like, oh shit. Oh, shit. Okay. I want to make a perception check to see if the idea of, like, when I was thinking about what would have happened to us if we had gotten caught in that, I want to make a perception check to see if the concept of ground meat would occur to me. That's justified.

I'll give you half of the first clue that will lead you to the secret of ground meat. beef. You understand that if a thing were to be ground, it would be more easily digestible and probably would be easier to season. But you haven't unlocked the seasoning secrets yet. Okay. This is the question. Tocco's just furiously writing down notes. This is the first step. You understand the concept of grinding. He's just circled ground question mark like eight times. Yeah. Oh, if we'd had a cow here. Well, that's the thing. You wouldn't even know that beef would be the thing to grind, right? You could be like... Yeah, but it would have been a heck of a thing to throw in it. No, it would have been sweet, but you didn't have that on hand. So you might be thinking like that down.

I understand grinding. Ground rocks, ground water? Can you grind water? You don't know. You're so goddamn stupid. About tacos. About tacos specifically. Who would ever thought it was not chain proof? You know? I did. I know. I would say that Magnus did. Good job. Good work. Next, uh... Let's get up on that platform. Yeah. Can we climb the chains to get up to the platform? Wait, my way, wait, is the grinder still, it's not moving, right? But it's still operating. It's just sort of like little pieces of it are just kind of bumbling around.

There's no way to climb up on top of it to get easier access to the chains on the wall or the chains of the ceiling? No, it's everywhere. There are pieces of it in the wall, like embedded in the wall. You guys, it's only eight feet up. I just stand underneath it and kind of put my finger, like interlace my fingers and go like, who wants up? and just kind of heft you guys up there. Okay. I like that.

How many gold did we get from the grinder? No gold. Did we get a feeling of accomplishment? You took one step towards solving the taco mystery. How is that not enough for you? I mean, that's... Not for me. How about rupees?

No. Did we get a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment? You feel good. You got a shit ton of experience points. And you know what? Travis, I'll give you an initiative point. Or a inspiration point, because that was an inspired usage of chains.

and I will move the chains you didn't move the chains into his into his grindage come on let's go I'm gonna take a chain with me yeah you know we're up on oh good idea

you just in case are you just gonna do this every time I introduce any sort of mechanic you're like oh I may need that mayonnaise later like no that was the solution to the mayonnaise puzzle no I just I want it to like wrap around like shield and arm and shit it's like

okay shift armor so you just want to be more cumbersome. Yep. Maybe they're tire chains and they'll come in handy. This coming later. You make it through the, you make it up to the wooden platform. You go through the door that the, the orc woman came. Keeps open.

Yeah. It's a, the door is a little bit busted and you think, like, that woman's irresponsible with doors. Like, this is not her home. She shouldn't just be going on. I use my carbonry skills to fix the door. Okay. Yeah, you do that.

Let me guess you're plus 25 in carpentry No I had I nerfed Travis' character Well before you guys got on You weren't around for that But there is a little bit of numerical tweaking That happened behind the scenes Apparently I was just too good at D&D

Yeah you're too good at Just coming up with very high numbers for things Our rate of progress is just It's staggeringly This is the show This isn't the show It can be I want some high adventure

Okay. High adventure. It's just beyond compare. High adventure. You go through the door and you realize it's actually a dragon's mouth and now you're inside a dragon. High adventure. Hail and well met adventures. It's me.

It's Griffin, the dungeon master for the Adventure Zone, the podcast that you're currently listening to with a quick midgame break. Just wanted to do some quick announcements for the show because this is the time that we do the announcements for the show. Thank you all very, very, very much for listening to episode four. and presumably the previous episodes, we've had a really great launch, and we owe all of that to all of you who have downloaded the show, who have left us ratings and reviews on iTunes, which it's still not too late to do for people who are telling friends about the show and getting them on board.

We're still in that sort of early period where it's really important to get the show off to a really great start because that traction is sort of what makes or breaks a podcast at the beginning. So anything you can do to share a show with a friend, leave a review on iTunes, anything you can do, We genuinely very, very much appreciate it. A real quick, big announcement. We have a website for the Adventure Zone now.

It is theadventure.com, which will take you to our Tumblr page where we are collecting a lot of erratus about the game. New episodes for the show are still going to be posted on our Maximum Fun page, which you can find at maximum fun.org. There's a lot of great stuff you can do on Maximumfund.org. You can listen to the other great shows on the network like Sawbones, Jordan Jesse Go, Judge John Hodgman, bunker buddies, throwing shade. among so, so many others, and my brother, my brother, and me, the other podcast that me and Justin and Travis all do together. You can also become a donor to Maximumfund.org. If you really like the program, it helps support all of the shows on the network,

and specifically us, if you choose us as the show that you want to donate to. So that's a really great thing you want to do if you want to go above and beyond and really help us out. But on the Adventure.com, we are mostly going to collect things like character sheets. Right now we've got Taco and, I believe, Magnus, is character sheets up there. So if you want to see, you know, what the, what the game mechanics for those two characters are, you can check that out. We're also putting a bunch of fan art up, among other things.

So, yeah, the Adventure. Dot Zone is where we are going to be collecting a lot of that stuff from now on. You can also tweet at us. We are at the Zonecast. If you want to just tweet with the hashtag the Zonecast, I think we're abandoning TazCast because it was a bad hashtag, you guys. It was just a bad hashtag. So, yeah, tweet at us.

we are going to start including characters in the show based on people who tweeted at us, including in the upcoming half of this episode, three characters who are named after Brian Lee, that's at Brian Lee on Twitter, Killian Zuba on Twitter, and Renee Renuples on Twitter. Thank you to the three of you for tweeting about the show, for spreading the word, and to everybody who's been spreading the word. We're going to keep doing that. So if you tweet about the show, there's a chance that we might include you as a character in the campaign from now on, which I don't know, seems like an exciting opportunity to me.

But I'm just making all this shit up as I go along. That's it for now. Thank you again so, so, so much for listening, for sharing the show for everything. We did not know what kind of reception to expect for this show, and it has been nothing but flabbergastingly sweet. So thank you all very, very much. And now, back to the Adventure Zone Adventure. The Adventure Zone Adventure.

You go through that door, you are going down a stone rot hallway. This was obviously not carved out by a mine. This is a, this was not carved out by mining equipment, I should say. This is like a hallway that you would find in a building made of stone, I guess. And you hear reverberating down the walls the sound of clanging, of metal, the telltale sounds of combat. And then you hear the woman, the ork woman that you encountered earlier yell, help.

Oh, sure. Yep, you got it. I shout out, eat a biggin. God helps those who help themselves. Could you use a hand down here? Come on. Okay, I run down there. Okay, foolhardily?

Yeah. I guess that's... That's what you do. Magnus prefers action. Okay. You all run into... I don't. I waddle, like a four-year-old baby.

I sit down on the ground. I'm not helping her. Okay. I get down there and say, Don't worry, I've got my... And they're not there. Come on. I got my road dogs.

Oh, shit. I'm studying... We can do anything together. Oh. Magnus. My legs are sore from all these coins. I'm carrying. Okay, Magnus, you run down the tunnel and exit out into a huge room, a massive room that almost seems like a quarry,

almost seems like a pit, like a mining pit where they would dump the product down. That's on the far side of the room that the quarry is on. It's God, it's huge. It's a 40 by 40 foot hole in the ground on the far side of the room. It is actually bigger than the floor of the room itself. The only other exit in this room is a giant iron rot door. A huge production. You wonder how they got it in here.

It is very, very big. How hard am I wondering this? You're like, do I need to roll? You're like, hmm. I rolled a four. So you're not wandering very hard. You're like, oh, the door, fuck it. Whatever.

Also, in this room is the orc woman that you saw before who has just been plastered to the wall with webbing. She is thoroughly webbed to the wall. She's almost entirely covered except for her head. And across from her, about 20 feet. from her is a drow, a dark elf, holding a staff that he has pointed at her. He is dressed in black robes. On the black robe, he's wearing a tabard

with a white spider on it. Do you guys get it yet? Yeah. He's the, oh my gosh. Griffin, can I roll to see if orc women completely covered in Uwee-goly webbing is a fetish of mine. Yeah, I guess.

I need to know if I'm going to be distracted. All right. I guess this sucks. Okay, it's a six. No, it's not your cup of tea. Yeah. I run in and hit him with the shield and try to knock him in the hole. Well, no.

That's what I do. That's not really how done. Wait, let me roll. Success. Okay. So he's dead now. Did everybody else run in, or is this just a Magnus situation? Yeah, we're all in there.

I'm not in. I'm not helping her. All right, I'm in there. I'm ambling. Okay. The black spider, the person you're assuming is the black spider, has his staff pointed at the woman who is webbed to the wall, but jerks his head and turns to you and says, oh, what a fantastic development.

Oh, we have guests, dear. How exciting. All right, that's weird enough that I'm going to come in the room. What was that? Oh, the third guest, how exciting we have even more guests here. She makes place at the table for all of them. He seems nice. Hello, hello, welcome to my cave.

Oh, man, I just took my headphones off to hear what I sounded like doing this voice. It sucks. I just want to say I'm so happy to meet someone else who talks normally. Well, I want to be a Charlie in the box. I love your cadence, dear. Where are you from? New Elfington. Am I?

Am I? Yeah, sure. You can be from new Elfington. Is that built on the ruins of old Elfington? We burn it down because no one can figure out why that's called Old Elfington. Oh, shit. I need a retcon. There's something else in this room.

Lying precariously towards close to the edge of the pit, you see an unconscious, dwarven figure that Merle you recognize as the one, the only Gundren rock seeker. Gundren. How did you forget the one fucking thing?

Also, the whole point of your quest is here. I was too busy thinking about this great, great voice that I came up with for the Blacksbron. I suppose no introductions will be necessary. Yeah. I would like to know who you are. Okay, so you would assume that

introductions aren't necessary. I'm sorry. I don't need to be introduced, do I? My reputation precedes me. Also, my spider tablet. Who are you? I'm the black spider. Guys, I think this is him.

I'm Magnus. Do we need to roll initiative? Not unless you plan to strike me. Let's not. I'm Taco. We're just here for Gundron. You can do whatever you want. Oh, your voice is like a song.

I use Mage hand to Chris's cheek Thank you darling Listen we're just here for the Gundren you can do whatever you want to With the org woman All gunger's purpose has been served If you if you want

You can take him in Gosture Excellent It's a pleasure Doing business with you Oh I'm sorry I will need a little bit more of his blood though How much more That's not going to work for us

I'll know a pint a couple of vines. How much blood does yours have? More than you'd think. Darling, I didn't catch your name. Give him to me one more time. Oh, it's Black Spider. It's not my Christian name, though. Guys, I know how this works. If we figure out his name, he's banished. Not the beetle juice. Oh.

Okay, while Taco is talking to him, I steal all the gold back out of Taco's back. He doesn't know I have it. Okay. So, this is the, Griffin. I'm very curious to ask if you don't mind answering a few questions. No pressure if you don't want to. I want you to say so feel very comfortable here. Oh, please, feel free.

How is the fuck? Do you know about this magical cave mine? Greg's List. I doubt that's true. Don't tell me, are you here also for the... No. Screw the... I'm here for my cousin.

Which one? The fork woman. The only surviving one I'm guessing I am naturally drawn to helping My cousin so Okay I attack Black Spider Fuck this shit No

No wait Maybe there's a peaceful way to solve this It's not peaceful I'm gonna kill him All right I'm afraid I see your friend's hand where it's I see your friend's hand where his hip be at And I don't

We need to deal with these things one at a time Okay I'm talking to him Dad says he wants to go help Gondren Okay Can we address that He's doing that. And I think Magnus ought to go rescue Webb War. Oh, no, she's mine.

No. Magnus has to decide what Magnus is going to do. I know. Merle is helping his cousin. Do what you want to say? I do need... How about if I, can I do some kind of check on... Gundren?

On Gundren. Yeah, sure. Maybe a first aid check just to sort of see scope him out how he was doing. You won't... He won't... The Black Spider probably won't let you over there to heal him, but you can sort of check on his condition. What is first aid against Griffin?

Is there not a first aid skill? No. A healing skill? There's medicine. Medicine. Medicine. Medicine. Medicine. Okay. So I roll. A D20 and you add your medicine. Okay.

15. Okay. He's alive. That's great news. He is alive. He's living. You can see he's breathing. But he is unconscious. But he's living. So you still got the one cousin. Can I... Okay, so he's still a lot. Okay. That means...

The bad thing is he's got some great boots, and that means you're out some boots. You're out some more... Well, he was unconscious. I take the boots. Okay. No, I was joking about the boots. Oh. I'm just still talking with...

Well, find out what's going on. The Black Spider. Griffin, why is it... Why doesn't the Black Spider have a name? Because he's mysterious. I told listeners that if they tweeted a link to our show, that we might use their name for... Okay, fine. I've got one.

Uh, just want to ask one more times, because I'm still not clear. What is your, uh, what's your Christian name? What were you born, born name? Black Spider is. Is it? Um, do you have a, uh, a check, a persuasion check? A, uh, uh, do a persuasion check. See if you can, see if you can squeeze this name out of them.

14. Sure, that'll do it. It's Brian, darling. Brian, Brian? No, just. You're related to Wendy, darling? No, it's just, Brian. You don't need to add anything else to it.

Just pride. We, uh... What happened to your voice? We need to take, uh, Gondred with us. We're going to take the woman. And can you tell us, uh... Here, you're a magic user, like myself. Um, maybe you can tell me, when you say,

I only hear kh, do you know why that might be? Uh, it's a tricky situation, isn't it? Here, this will be fun. Uh, the reason you can't hear it when I say is because the has actually so you won't be able to until you

I caught all of that I bet your mic looks like a giant bugger right now I wasn't doing it with my nose so unfortunately I'm going to find a solution unequitable unsatisfactory

and I I'm afraid that this is where it ends I charge him Okay He was He was not surprised by your By your action Let's roll

Let's roll initiative Let's get it on I got A 7 Whoa natural 20 here Holy shit So 22 for me 16 oh yeah 16

Cool top of the order is Taco What is he Now is he on the edge of something No he's nowhere close to the edge of the pit Like how far is that? So this room is really big. I mean, he's like, he's like a good 50 feet away.

Okay. All right, perfect. I am going to cast burning hands on the webbing. Okay. You also have, you have that spell sculpting, right, so that you don't immolate this woman? Yes. Right. Yes, exactly.

What is that? I mean, she has this advantage on the saving throw, right? When I cast an evocation spell that affects other creatures, I can see, I can choose a number of them equal to one plus the spells level. The chosen creatures automatically succeed on their saving throws against the spell. Okay. They take no damage. Well, she's the only bonus target there.

And you don't really need to attack. The webbing can't make a saving throw. It's webbing. It's not sentient. Okay. So, yeah, if that's how you're spending your action. That is how I'm spending my action. Cool.

You burn her away the webs. She collapses to the ground, but gets back up to her knees. she is conscious and she looks at you, uh, sort of, uh, quizzically again. She, she doesn't know why you have, uh, done her this solid, but she says, uh, wow, thanks. Does she still have any sort of weapon as far as I can see? Like the thing with a big button on it? Or her crossbow? Is her crossbow gone?

Her crossbow has been taken by the Black Spider. Uh, I just rolled initiative for her, though, so maybe on her turn, we'll find out. Oh, excellent. Okay. Okay. Next in the order is the black spider Who on his turn Is going to reach into his sack That he has and he pulls out this weird little

Fist-sized throbbing pod Okay That he smashes on the ground in front of him And then Have you guys noticed how much much in D&D is very sexual and creepy. Dropping. There's a lot of,

he reaches in a sack and pulls out his throbbing pod. Really, Griffin? The pod explodes in a puff of green smoke. And from the ceiling, through cracks in the ceiling, crawls a gigantic, literal black spider that climbs down a web

and jumps in front of the Figured. Oh, I get it! I just said that out loud. Okay, great. In the distance, you hear the sound of spores being shot into the air. Size-wise, it is twice as tall as you. Oh.

It's a very goddamn big spider. Got it. That is his move. Dad, you're next in the order. Merle. Now you got two black spiders. Spoiler alert, you're in final. final boss territory.

So burn them spell slots. This is the Sephiroth of this adventure. All right. I am going to cast sleep on the dark elf black spider. Okay. Can we just call him Brian? Yeah, Brian. Brian.

You know what sucks, though? The actual literal spider is actually also named Brian. But it's so with a Y. Yeah. Yeah. So Brian with an eye. I'm going to cast sleep on. Brian with an eye.

Okay. Says I roll 5D8. Oh, shit. Okay. And then what? Right? And then you just have a number. And the total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect.

Oh, okay. So I rolled the D8 and multiply it by five? No. Roll it five times. Yeah. Do it real quick. Okay. Three.

Okay. Four. Seven. One. Eight. Two. Ten. Seven.

Seventeen. That is not going to do it. Okay. But now you know that Brian with an eye has more than 17 hit points. The more you know. My plan is working. That was a reconnaissance bad spell. Next in the order is...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I just realized something. This works within a 90-foot action. on all of the creatures within 90 feet. Brian with Hawaii also has more than 17 hit points. Excellent. Great. Great afternoon so far.

Next in the order is the orc woman who reaches into her pocket, pulls out that buzzer, and says, here goes nothing, and it clicks it down. And another ball of energy pops out of it. and actually flies through the giant iron door. And she says, oh, hmm, okay. And then you hear an extremely loud pound at that door. It's actually like a few rapid fire poundings. Sorry again for this very sexual language.

It's very rapid fire like against the door. Like Sheldon on Big Bang. Come on. You can't keep referencing Big Bang. theory during this podcast. I spelled it with two G's. Okay. It's the big thing. The Dora stands fast, though, and that is

the end of the orc woman's turn. Who's up now? I have a free action, ask her her name, so we don't have to keep doing this. Calling her the orc woman? Yes. Yeah, that's fine. What's your name, dear?

My name is Killian. Nice to meet you. Can we do the spider stuff now? Yeah. Tell me, no, come on. Now that we're into the... Tell me about your dad. Is that what you want to do right now

with the double spider situation? Can we open the door as a free action? You would have to figure out how. It's very, very, very big. It's like... So it's not the door we came through... No, no. It's a giant one that we can't figure out

how they got down here. Okay, so it's not the grinder reanimated. Wait, I got this, guys. Hey, door, open. Did that work? Didn't work, no Because somebody didn't remember his please and thank you Oh, please open door

Does it say push or pull? No, there's no dwarf Is there a crash bar? All right, forget the door, I guess So is the spider up now or am I up now? Sorry, yeah, it's Magnus Great. I'm going to jump on the spider's back.

Oh, shit, okay. I guess an acrobatics check? Yeah. It's going to make an opportunity attack against you you do this. Oh. Okay, well then instead... Okay, so what I'm going to do

is attempt to run past and get one of the legs of the spider with my chain and trip it. Yeah, that's interesting. Why not? So you're gonna... It's a very big spider. So you're going to try and like pull an Empire Strikes back

like at-at-sweet maneuver. Correct. Okay. Interesting. I don't know how physically that's going to work. I'm very strong. You're just going to try and like whip it around one of its legs as you run by it and just sort of pull real hard? Yeah. Okay.

Listen, it's not a great idea, but it's a Magnus idea. Yeah, you know what? That idea is decidedly Magnus. I guess... Can I use my point of inspiration? Sure. I guess you're going to make an attack with the chain. Okay.

So unarmed or... Well, you won't be proficient. So just roll and make a... strength check, I guess is what's going to be. So that's 9.13. Yeah, so 13. That's not going to do it. Do you want to use your inspiration roll again? Yes.

Okay, so that's an 18. Yeah. Okay, so you managed to whip this chain around one of the spider's legs and you pull real hard. I guess make another strength check. now that you've got the chain around it to see if you have the strength to... That is 20. 20? Okay.

Yeah, fuck it. Why not? You pull really hard on this spider. You don't like flip it over or anything, but the this side, it's the four legs on this side sort of give out. And it sort of is prone now. Cool. So good job. You knocked a spider over.

And then I'm going to use my action search. to attack it with my battle axe two-handed. Okay. What are you attacking? There's a lot to attack. I'm going to attack his underbelly. Underbelly's not exposed. You didn't flip it over. Oh. What does being prone give me? You'll have advantage on the attack.

Okay. Well, then I'm going to attack its eyes. Okay. So you're going to whip right back around and get to Eytown. Mm-hmm. Okay. Go ahead and make a... No, that's not going to do it. That's a... An 11? So, no. Advantage, 18?

Yep, that beats his AC. Great. Go ahead and do damage. One, two, ten. So that's ten. Ten. On its eyeballs. Good eyeball hit.

He has lots of eyeballs, so you may have carved out a couple of them, but he still has more than enough to look. Do all of his looking. But still, did damage, knocked him prone. Good job. Yay, Magnus. Okay, that is the end of the round. You hear another clamoring at the giant iron door, which has actually started to buckle a bit in the middle.

My throat gets so sore doing this goddamn podcast. That's because you're saying. It's so much adventure. Yeah, it's all the adventure. It's wearing on my cords. Yeah, so this door has started to bend and buckle in the middle a little bit. We're going to have to get a contractor in here. Next, top of the order, Taco.

I'm going to cast Magic Missile on the spider. Okay. Not very creative, but that's where Taco's at today. That's just what Taco is into now. He's a real meat of potatoes wizard.

He's about efficiency. They can't all be chain at sweep the legs Johnny maneuver. I'm just gonna, how about I just shoot magic? Ouchies at him until he dies from it. Okay, this is how we do. So you make an attack?

Or no, they just automatically hit. Yes. Okay. Go and roll your damage. 1d4 plus 1. Yeah, 3, 1D4 plus 1. Okay. 2.

No, we've already established that all three do the same damage. Okay, so 3, tied 3, Nine. Okay. Yeah, he didn't like it. I wouldn't think so. Next in the order is Team Spiders.

Team Brian. What does Brian even do? What's his story? I bet he's got spells. He does. Okay. Brian with a Y. Wait, which one is Magic Brian?

I'll just call him Magic. Eye. Magic Brian looks at Taco and goes, oh, that's very interesting. Is that, what is it? Magic Missile? Is that what that was? It was unrecognizable because this is how I usually do it.

And he points his staff at you and uses his magic missile. Is he shooting all three at me because he can do whatever he wants? Oh, yeah. Maybe a couple he throws at the big spider, just to, like, show that he can. You're in a magical wizard duel. You're in a wizard duel, Harry. That's a three. So three times three is nine, plus the extra three damage is 12.

What's the extra three damage? Because it's plus one. Oh, okay. That takes me to zero. Oh, shit. Really? Yep. I only had 12 hit points.

Brian goes, uh, what's up now? I really thought they were getting along, too. Yeah. Me too. So you're not dead, but this is the first time that we get to learn about death saving throws. Isn't that exciting? That is thrilling. What do I do?

Well, you have to do it on your turn. Okay. But that's it for Magic Brian. Spider-Bryan is going to stand up and attack the person who is right in front of him, which is Magnus. Hello. Hi. Hi, Spider. You have a weakness to spiders, right?

Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm afraid of spiders. The way this patch is not working out for you, bud. No, that was addressed in-game last time, that I am not a fan of spiders. So I'm going to actually give the spider advantage. on the attack. Sweet. That's super cool.

Because the giant spider needs all the help he can get. He is just going to sort of rear back and come forward at you and snap his spider teeth. Mandibos. His mandibos. That's a 9 plus 5, 14? No. Okay. And that is a 14 plus 5, so 19.

Ah, that hits. His mandolin's got me. You take. Let's say one thing. You take five piercing damage and four poison damage. Mm-hmm. Oh, I'm sorry, you make a Constitution saving throw before you take that poison damage. Go ahead and do that.

That is Constitution 7. No. Okay, I'm going to take nine damage. And, okay, you're fine. There's extra stuff that it does if it kills you, but it didn't. So you're cool. that is it for the spider turn. Next up is Merle.

Dido, could you real quick just explain how saving throws work before we get to Justin's turn? So if dad and I need to do something? Just real quick, Juice. Whenever you start your turn with zero hit points, you must make a special saving throw called the death saving throw to determine whether you creep closer to death or hang on to life. So you will have to make one on your turn. It's basically the same as it was last time. Or in the last edition, you make a saving throw if you get three successful ones.

then you're alive if you make three failed ones, you die forever. But people can help you out of it before that. If you are healed, you can be helped out of it. There's a lot of different ways you can be saved. Okay. Okay. What kind of a saving throw do I do, though? You just roll a D20.

If it's above 10, you're good. Okay. I think whatever's on the other side of that door is going to help us, and I think it would be worth opening the door. So thomiturgy allows me to instantaneously cause an unlock door to fly open. Okay. Okay, sweet ass.

You point your magic symbol at this giant iron door. Do you say any dope shit when you do it? Yes, I do. She thinks my tractor is sexy. Boy, by the hoary hordes of Hogoff. Okay. I imagine this, some old man like Conan shit, but I'm... It's Dr. Strange, man.

If Cumberbatch doesn't work out, I'm there for Marvel. Yeah, that'll be perfect. casting. You point your holy symbol at the door. It is innervated with magical or spiritual energies and it flies open and behind it a light pours through blinding all of you. And as your eyes adjust, you realize that they are headlights that are fastened to the front of a giant mechanoid bipedal robot, essentially. that has four arms. It's not exactly Iron Giant.

It's not that sort of human figure. Superman. Almost looks like a tractor with legs. Is it sexy? Kenny Chesney! What's the robot's name? The robots, oh, should I do another Twitter? Yeah.

The robot's name is... The robot's name is Renee. Renee? Yeah, it's Renee, the Jackhammer Robot. And I call it Renee the Jackhammer Robot. And I call it Renee the Jackhammer. robot because you can also see in lieu of arms it has two

giant jackhammers and as soon as these doors fly open it sort of flexes its jackhammer arms and sprints full speed towards the giant spider and just rams right through it just stabs right through both arms keeps running and dives into the pit

with the spider impaled on its arms and Brian one of it and I just goes, well, shit. He goes, hachi-machi, I wish we'd been... Brian! Brian was a wine, no! And he jumps in after him. He was my favorite spider boy.

In retrospect, I wish we'd been attacking Magic Brian this old. Yeah, Magic Brian's feeling right as rain. Magic Brian is so, so desperately sad. By the way, when this... He takes ten points of sad damage. When this robot did, it's epic spider tackle maneuver. It just barely avoided... stomping on Gundren.

That's good. But he's fine. Yeah. I just wanted you guys not to worry about Gundren because it doesn't... Oh, we weren't. I forgot he was over there. Okay, yeah, good. Because I also thought that that might also be the case.

All right, let's keep moving. Next in the order is... Next in the order is Killian, who doesn't really have a whole lot of options at her disposal. She pulls out the animator again and clicks down on the trigger, but nothing happens. Um, so she just says, uh, she just sort of, uh, walks over to one of the giant iron doors and sort of, uh, tucks behind it, uh, says, uh, good luck, guys. Typical or if you find, if you find my crossbow, let me know, but, uh, I'm gonna go ahead and let you all handle this.

See what, see what she can see what you can do. And that is the end of her turn. Next in the order is Magnus. Okay, I'm going to rush the side of my beloved taco. Oh. Um, and, and I say, now this may be a little cheesy, but I can't let you go. And I pour my potion of healing, uh, betwixt his lips. I'm going to need you to describe that a little bit slower. Yeah. And he wakes up and, and the word cheesy is what's stuck in his head. It's another clue. Griffin, grant me cheese. All right. You know, you, okay, I'll grant you the word cheese. You can't possibly understand the idea of cultured milk. Um, okay, I've written cheese question. on my seat.

So we know I'm, I, that's just in my head. What does that word mean, cheese? How does the healing potion work, Tribe? Do you know? Um, no. I just have it written down. We got it from the card. We got three potions. You got to write that shit down.

When you drink this potion, you regain 2D4 plus two hit points. So juice, if you want to go ahead and resolve that. Is that my role? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Wait, but while he's unconscious, can I check his stuff? Ditto is the, is the, is the potion of, 10.

10 points. That's a good role. I'm back in the fucking game. Is the potion of healing a minor action, or is that my action? Well, the fact, if you had given it to him, probably not, but the fact that you actually used it on him. Yeah, that's going to be your turn. Great. Terriff.

That's brotherly love right there. Magnus looks at the cleric and says, so now it's your turn to attack, because I did the healing. Whose turn is it given? I'd like to point out, though, that I killed the spider. No, you did great. I just saved our wizard. So, Magnus, he does it all. The guy that's been stealing shit for the entire adventure.

I think actually, Renee, the wrecker bot is the one that... No, no, no, no. On we go. Come on. Okay. Next in the order is, actually, you, Taco. You can... Excellent.

So you are prone, but you can stand up for half of your movement. So you can stand up and still... Well, I'm not going anywhere. Okay. I stand up to my full wizard-wisiding height. Which is two foot higher with the hat. Yep. Excellent.

And then I shout, Abraka, fuck you. And I cast magic missile out of. Four. Oof. How does 15 points of damage taste? You actually, you blast him back away. The force of the spell hurts him a lot. He goes flying backwards, and he lands fairly close to the edge of the pit near Gundren,

and he stands up, and he is, man, all jacked up. He's bleeding from both nose nostrils. His shit is wrecked, but he's still alive. He says, it seems like you've learned well from me, maybe. Did you maybe take a few pointers from my rad magic missile? Or was that a taco original? I actually already said my one cool thing, darling. I don't have another.

I understand completely. Well, you know, when they make a movie of this, Mike Myers is going to play both of them. Mike Myers will play all the roles. I'll play all of us. It seems to me, it seems to be my turn. I keep sort of oscillating between like Taco and German. I want to really land in the German wheelhouse. Let me try again.

Uh, yes, it seems that, uh, it seems that my goose might be cooked, huh? Uh, so, uh, just, just one more trick up my sleeve and we'll see how you respond to this. Uh, and he grabs Gundren by the scruff of the neck and rolls off into the pit with him. Oh, shit. Uh, but then you see, uh, at the same time, uh, two small dwarven hands, uh, reach up and grab the pit. Uh, reach up and grab the edge of the pit. And then you see two more small Dwarven hands reach up and grab the side of the pit. And almost simultaneously, two Gundren Rock Seekers pull themselves back up onto stable ground.

Who would have seen that, Kalman? I didn't. And one Gundren Rock Seeker, we'll call him the Gundren Rock Seeker on the right, looks at the other one and says, oh my God, okay, I think I see what he's trying to do here. Listen, you have to understand, I'm the real Gundren Rock Seeker. You have to believe me. I can tell you anything you want to know about the rock seeker clan. I can tell you anything you want to know about Fandling.

You have to believe me. I'm the real Gundren rock seeker. And the Gunter and Rock Seeker on the left says, No, you must believe me. This one on the right here is an imposter. I'm the real Gunterian Rock Seeker. How do we tell them apart? Ask me anything you want to know about dwarves.

But which one's the real Gundam Rock Seeker? Is it possible that he has cursed the other Gundren rock seeker to sound German. and weird. That's exactly what he did. He's a bad boy. He's a bad boy with lots of all kinds of sinister magics.

I walk over and kick that one into the pit. Which one? The one who just talked. Oh, no. The mystery is solved. You've solved my final riddle. You are your riddle master. Jeez, how deep is that pit?

How old is his voice? Congratulations. proven yourself this priority and landed on Brian Brian I'm so proud of him

I'm going to die now the life is flagging from my party I see my family I had I cast magic missile out of again. Oh, it's very bad news. And the Academy Award goes to Brian.

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