The Adventure Zone - Ep. 40. Lunar Interlude III: Rest & Relaxation

Episode Date: May 19, 2016

That last adventure was a tough one. Our heroes have earned some time off -- both from mortal danger, and from each other. But how do adventurers spend their downtime between jobs? Also, what's hot and fresh at the bakery counter of the Fantasy Costco? Magnus considers a change in careers. Merle dishes out some beard-centric philosophy. Taako takes on a pupil. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. Killian gives you guys some gifts to hand-carved, personalized wet stones. But they're nice. They're carved in the shape of ducks. Aw. They're my favorite, she says. You're chopping off my damn arm, seriously. God lied to me. God lied to you?

Angus is off in a corner. He gives you guys a big thumbs up. I give Angus a thumbs down. Oh, my God, sir. Have you become, have you been learning wizardly magic? I take his nose. Oh my God. What kind of nasty things do our boys get into? Between its adventures.

I'm almost afraid to find out in the Adventure Zone. So it's been a few weeks since you successfully completed the Crystal Kingdom mission. What have I down with my downtime, Griffin? Paint me a word picture. That's up to you, dog. Maybe you're into puzzles. Maybe you're into, maybe you did a little bit of long overdue self-grooming. Those sideburns, man, they need some.

Okay, I definitely brushed out the sideburns. Maybe got a little sideburn's perm. 200,000 nits fall out. I don't see Magnus doing puzzles, but I see Magnus wanting to do puzzles. Magnus kind of is a puzzle? Man, that's so deep, Griffin. Thank you. I can tell you what you're doing right now.

Poving. This was the scene that you wanted to do for your first solo sort of character development. Oh, I thought you meant what I was doing in real life. I have so many questions. Like, how would you even get the mic stabilized? That's my whole recording setup. Okay, wonderful. The scene that you have decided to do with Magnus is, let's just hop right into it.

Okay. So you walk into the private training moon-based dojo of Carrie Echillian and new regulator team member, Noel. And you see the three of them performing some pretty impressive, acrobatic, violent maneuvers. And it looks like Killian and Kerry are kind of like breaking in Noel, like teaching her the new maneuvers. Every once in a while, Killian will shout, Orange 11. Or that's not her voice. Orange 11. And then...

Did you accidentally do a character voice when the character voice is your voice? It's my own, yeah. Yeah. And then Noel will, like, grab Carrie and do, like, a fastball special with her. So they're running through some, some routines, and they see you walk in and, uh, stop, stop their practice sesh. Killingen throws the two girls some towels. Noel says, well, I don't need that because I'm a robot. And, uh, Carrie walks up to you and says, uh, oh, hey, Magnus, what's going on?

Uh, I'm, I'm, I didn't, I didn't mean to interrupt. Oh no, it's fine. We've been at it for a few hours. She's really coming along fast. I can come back. If there's a better time, don't... No, spill it. What's going on? Carrie, can I talk to you in private, please? I just became instantly pretty nervous, but yeah, I guess so. Ladies, take 10. And Killian and Noel waltz out of the room. Literally, they waltz, which is weird. That's beautiful.

Okay, I don't know how to say this. So, in the lab, I really liked your moves. I thought I, you get a real. I'm going to stop you right there, Meg, because you're a good dude and had a lot of fun in that Crystal Kingdom, killing a bunch of robots with you, but I, you're not really my cup of tea. um so to speak oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no carrie i no no i have just always punched and kind of rushed and done you know kind of thrown myself into everything. Right, right. But I saw you move and finesse and almost dance your way through battle.

And I want to be more precise. I want, I've done some things in the last couple of missions that looking back on, some might say we're suicidal. And I think... Yeah, you've done some, you've done some goof-ass stuff. I think that I... You want me to take you to thief, cool is what you're saying. Yes. Yes. I want to learn to fight smarter. Okay. Um, I think you're a great guy, Mag, but you are also the, just the loudest single person I think I've probably ever met. So I'm, I, I can totally train you, but the question is, are you willing to be trained? Yes. That was the first test. You passed it. Yeah. Okay, so over the, why don't you roll a persuasion check, just to see if, like, she's going to, like, require anything from you?

I don't know, is there a persuasion skill? That's such a good question, girlfriend. Let me see here. Yes, there is. Okay, go ahead and roll that, and just to determine if she's going to require anything from you. Probably, because that was a three. Okay. Plus one, four.

Listen, I'm into it. I'm into this idea. The question is, I think it would be only fair if you could teach me a little something, something on the side, too. And again, I know I said something, something, I mean, and a strictly platonic sense. Great, great, great, great, good, because I'm not. Yeah, what kind of skills do you bring to the table and you think old Carrie Fang Battle might benefit from? Well, I know a lot about animals. I know a lot about vehicles. I can build stuff.

I'm a carpenter. Do you want to learn carpentry? Bing, bang, boom. Bing, bang, boom. I'm actually in need of a birthday present. I could use, I don't know, some sort of special box, or a neat chair, or a really nice bookshelf or something.

Tell me about this person. I like to craft the thing specifically for the person. She's super big. Uh-huh. It's Killian. Okay. Yep. Great, great, great.

She likes duck. She's a duck fan. Yeah, would she like a puzzle box shaped like a duck? That sounds, yes. All right, we could do that. That's such a good gift. I'm going to teach you the secret thief skills that I wasn't supposed to, that my sensei told me not that I divulge to anybody.

And you know what? If we butter them up a little bit, Taco might enchant it so that it quacks when you're sold. Oh, yes. I know. It's pretty good. Buzinga. Everyone's going to want one. Uh,

Okay, so she is convinced, and over the course of the next couple of weeks, Carrie takes some time out of her regulator training schedule to teach you some of the thiefing arts. Now, Griffin, would you say that it is a simultaneous montages of her teaching me thieves arts and us carving a duck? Yes, it's side by side. Concurrent montage. She starts off and carves a duck, but it's more of just sort of a ball with like a face but no neck. So it's just like on the front of the ball. And she's, I know this isn't my best.

And it's just a shot of like as music plays with Magnus putting his head down and shaking his head back and forth. Yeah. I do want to run through some thie training with you. Okay. So you're sitting in the regulator's dough. Jojo Dome, and just sort of sitting cross-legged on the floor, and she's holding a bean in her hand. Like a bean? Like a food bean?

Like a little pinto bean. And she says, if you're able, snatch this here. Okay, roll a... Oh, sorry. You can roll whatever you want. Maybe a slight hand check would be appropriate. That's a 19 plus 2. 21.

Okay. Yeah. You snatched that bean right out of her hand, and she says, uh, okay, uh, you didn't let me finish, but fair's fair. That was a good bean grab, my boy. Thanks. Uh, she holds up her left hand, and in it is your wallet. Oh.

She says, ha, ha, that was lesson number two. Bean speedy's really important, but, but so is whipping up a good distraction from time to time. You got me. I need that bean back. I need my wallet back. Same, same time. One, two. Later on, a few days later, same montage.

She's just walking in circles around the room as you sort of prowl on the shadowy outskirts of the room. And she has challenged you to pick her pocket. Okay. I do that. Okay. What check would that be? What check would that be? Like stealth, you think?

Is this pre-training up? Oh, yeah, yeah. This is pre-leveling up. So my stealth is still bad. Yeah. Okay. My stealth is plus two, so let's see. That's actually not bad.

Oh, yeah, it's another 19. So 19 plus 2, 21. All right, you sneak up behind her and sort of walk and step with her very silently. And go ahead and roll. Slyde-a-hand, is that the best, like, pick-pocket check, is there? No, I think it's got to be slide-of-hand two. That's not as good, but 13 plus two. So, 50.

Yeah, she's wearing a, like, a loose-fitting robe, which is not really her style, but sort of giving you an easier time. And you reach in and you pull out a smoke bomb, which explodes in your face. And she says, it's less than three, homie. I always carry a smoke bomb. Smoke bombs are great. Now, okay, hold on, though. I did do the thing.

Like, I did pick your pot. Like, that's just mean. That's that basic. Those are the basics. Those are fundamental. So rule number three is always be aware that when you're picking someone's pocket, They might be a dick. It's a good thing to remember.

They could have just loose pudding in there. And then you pull your hand back. Who walks around with loose pudding, Carrie? Taco definitely. I've had some of his pocket pudding before. Yep. Okay. You know, Aston answered.

And then I think later on this montage, a couple days later, I think you guys are probably just like, just like fighting. But she doesn't like, no weapons, no phantom fist, just like, just straight, straight 50 cups fighting. So go ahead and make an attack roll on her. That's probably not good. Eight, I mean, plus seven, 15. No, she easily, like, dodges out of the way of that and grabs your arm and, like,

Jiu-Jitsu flips you and, like, carries your momentum. I'm going to do an acrobatic saving throw. Hold on. Okay, cool. Or is that athletic saving throw? It'd be acrobatics. Okay, well, that's not going to do it. That's a two plus two, four.

Okay. You try to land on your feet, but you overcorrect and land directly on your face and your weaner. At the same time? The same time. What kind of killbug role am I in? She sits down and she says, oh, sorry, that was, I was just supposed to dodge it. That was just kind of reflexive. Sorry about your weiner.

Sorry about your ween. Yeah, it's, how'd you get that scar over your eye? This is an important part of the lesson. I got it in a fight. No, I figured that. I figured it wasn't like a big paper cut. You're finding some documents. You got hit though, right? Yeah. That's the biggest thing for you. Like, not getting hit is like the whole job. A good thief doesn't have... To be fair, when I got the scar, I was pretty drunk.

Okay. I think that's going to be the hardest thing for you, madness. Like, you've always struck me as the big, big brash guy willing to take the big hits. So somebody else doesn't have to. and there may be a time when you aren't able to do that if you really want to pursue this lifestyle. When I can't protect someone. When you don't take that big hit and let somebody else do it. You're surrounded by pretty strong people. You don't got to be the damage sponge all the time, you know?

Yeah, but like, I don't want to lose Merle and Taco. Yeah. Yeah, they're pretty good. I guess I understand what you're saying. Hey, you know what? I think I learned a little bit of something else from you too. Making a duck? No.

Oh, yeah, okay. I think duck making is probably beyond my capabilities. No, you're doing great. It's really coming along. Don't you bullshit me. No, it's good. She holds up a duck, but it's got two asses, no head this time. I flipped the thing upside down accidentally while I was mid-carve.

A lot of people would prefer that version. Yeah, so you spend the next couple weeks learning from Carrie. not mastering the art of thievery, but getting on enough that you feel a little bit more comfortable, a little bit more confident. And Carrie holds a little impromptu graduation ceremony. Right, except you're not really wearing a graduate's cap and robe. You actually have to sneak up to or to steal your diploma. It's a very on-brand ceremony. And at the end of it, Carrie's also holding her enchanted hand-carved duck box.

You did a lot of the work on it. You did the, she did the butt half, like really good, but enlisted your help on the head half. She seems really happy with it. And she says, man, I've actually had a pretty great time hanging out these past couple weeks. And I wanted to give you something. and she hands you a small leather pouch with some belt loops

on the back of it that you might like string a belt through and when you open it up you find a set of fairly old-looking but pretty sturdy thieves tools there's like a lock pick a bunch of sort of tools that you don't

really understand what they are like metal loops and rings and some sort of small hooks. And she says, I can show you how to use those, but I bought those when I decided to become a thief. And I've gotten a way better set now, but I want you to have them. Well, I have something for you, too, Carrie. Another, a second duck? Well, hold on.

And Magnus reaches in his pocket and pulls out a wooden ring that he's carved with like a rose on top, and it's carved out of rosewood. Um, I made you this. I had to guess at the size, but I think this would fit Killian, if you would like to put it in the box for her, completely up to you. I won't say a word. It's a real sweet thought. She says, hey, high five me right now. Hi-five. Um, so you have been, uh, off, off duty for a couple weeks now, Merle. You've basically been put on injured reserve, essentially, because of sort of the trauma that you went through in the Crystal Kingdom saga.

And again, I apologize for that. No, I think it all worked out. I think it's made me more of a mythic figure. But yeah, you have been granted sort of special leave. Oh, that was a tree pun. Ah, ha, ha. Oh, I feel like a sap for not getting that. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's the only, that's my genuine laugh. If I do it any other way, I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to hear the genuine one anymore then. Okay, fantastic. Don't say any more funny stuff. So you've been given special leave due to sort of the trauma of the last mission. And were granted an all expense paid a weekend long spa resort visit.

Shut up. Yeah, congratulations. This is a special bonus. on top of your regular payment for the mission. You were given a plus one for this spa stay. I should mention this was a scenario that you came up with. And the person that you chose to go with you as your plus one surprised basically everyone. You chose the director of the Bureau of Balance to go with you for a spa visit with you.

Yeah. And let's say you're about a day into this spa, spa visit. You've gotten a, you've gotten a thorough scraping. You're kind of a crunchy individual, so I mentioned there was a lot of cruft to be removed in nice, long, aromatic hot baths. And I want to hop in... You mean I got exfoliated? Well, you got exfoliated. You got scrubbed down with a...

uh, fantasy lufa. It's, uh, you've been, you've been getting the works cleaned up inside and out. There's a colonic element. Uh, what? Uh, what? So, so, if it is seen, you and the director are, by the way, it's been maybe a little bit uncomfortable between you two, just because, like, she's like your boss and wasn't quite sure where you picked her to go with you, and she's not really one for rest and relaxation. So, uh, it's been a little bit uncomfortable, but you guys, uh, I, I think you guys are both getting the same spa treatment right now. What kind of spa treatment would you be getting? Well, I think I've been exfoliated and we've done all that. So it's something that gets rid of the toxins. You know, now that I have, you know, tree sap flowing in my veins along with the blood, I figure I got,

I got to get some stuff out of there. Okay. How about a like a macrobiatic mud sort of situation? So you're, it's like a hot macrobiotic biotic mud bath. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you and the director are in side-by-side sort of baths, and you get the impression that this is maybe set up as a couple's activity,

which is just really, really driving home the discomfort of this situation. And let's say your arm is off and in its own small potted plant mud bath. Oh, yeah, because if it was going to be anywhere, it'd have to, you know, if anything was going to be in the mud, it would be old tree arm.

Old tree arm. And somebody's actually like spraying it with a sweet smelling fluid out of a spray bottle and like pruning it and just like seeing to it. And it seems to be really enjoying that. Oh, do you have any refreshments? They have a lot of refreshments. I would love some refreshments. Yeah.

Like it's like a tea sandwich? Tea sandwiches, yeah, and maybe some cucumber water. Okay. Yeah, you get the whole cucumber sweet and the director. The director's drinking of like a huge, like Tammy Taylor's sized glass of dark purple wine. And so it's been a little bit uncomfortable, but she finally breaks the silence after the sort of attendance,

the spa attendants leave the room, and it's just the two of you. And she says, Merle, I suppose I should thank you. It's been a bit stressful for the past, oh, like seven, eight years. So I guess I could use a break away from it all. I appreciate you choosing me. I guess my question is, why did you decide to take me on this spa trip with you? Well, you know, you're all my boss, and, you know, we haven't really hit it off very well.

And, you know, you and I, we got a lot in common, you know, a little bit more in age than the other two young whippersnappers. She laughs. I suppose that is true. I mean, you're still much younger than me, but, you know. Well, thank you for that. You're very mature. You're a mature woman, and I'm a mature-ish man. And, you know, I read women pretty well, women and trees. And I was able to say, you know, this lady needs a break and a friend, I can be the friend, and I can help her get the break. I appreciate you being considerate like that.

You have to, you understand it. I try not to be cold. It's just I have to keep a professional distance from, from my staff members. You got a tough gig. Tough gig. It is a tough gig. I wish I could, you know, go on adventures, eat macaroons all night long and gab about. Macarones or macarones?

Because I really love the macarones. There's a difference. Is that what you call macaroni? No, no, no, no. So macarones are like the cookies, but they've got like a little icing in the middle. Mm-hmm. This has been pretty confusing so far. Merle, I want to know a little bit more about sort of you always seem to keep kind of an irreverent attitude.

I think it's safe to say. Where does that come from? Basic insecurities about my appearance, my height, my, you know, only have a little. in one damn arm now. No, I've just always been that kind of guy. Hey, you know, why worry about things? Have a light attitude. We're not getting out of this life alive anyway.

Why not enjoy the process? She takes a big sort of gulp out of her giant glass of wine and says, I'm surprised to hear you could keep things sort of that lighthearted and still be a man of man of the cloth Well, I'm glad you brought that up. I've never been a traditional man of the cloth. I'm more like well, I don't know if you ever saw

the movie Poseidon Adventure, but Gene Hackman. That's more of my role model. Gene Hackman priest who curses a lot and really doesn't get himself tied down.

And hey, I'm going to be honest with you, director. because I've been having some doubts. I've been having some conflicts, some test of faith here over the last one. To be frank with you, Merle, we've both seen some pretty existentially horrifying things. How do you go about keeping the faith when you see such horrible things? Well, like I said, try to keep an open mind. And, you know, while I think that having that faith is important because you need to have that

relationship and you need to have some idea about, you know, some idea about a higher power, higher purpose, I've never been much of a church guy. I know it's a priest. That sounds a little weird. But, yeah, I think it's more important to just kind of embody the ideals and the things you want to do. make a bunch of rules for people, you know. So how did you settle on Pan as your patron deity? Is there a story there?

Cool beard. Pan's got a cool beard, like a goatee kind of beard. That's, sorry, you've based your sort of theology and life direction. On a beard, yeah. Yeah. And, you know, the cloven hooves are kind of cool. I'm a very shallow person, director. I'm just really, I'm so, I'm as shallow.

was a mud puddle. But, you know, cool beard, hairy legs. I have hairy legs. I want my beard to be cool. I see. There's some synergy there. There is. There's a connection there.

I grok pan. So, you know, at first it was, yeah, that guy's cool. I'd like to be like him. You know, I was like a lot of other young dwarves. You know, when I was a kid and the Panites would come around with their, they're literature and you know and their their songs their contemporary pan songs and you know it was all really cool and we had pan camps you'd go to pan camp and learn about pan and it was fun it was a great way to socialize with people and yeah a lot of i guess important values being imparted sure yeah yeah playing

playing the pipes you cavorting there's a lot of cavorting at pan camp um so you know that's how I kind of got dragged in, and the next thing you know, I'm, you know, learning more about it, and boom, bang, boom, I'm wearing the collar and all, I don't really wear a collar, but you know what I'm saying. I guess I'm jealous in a way. I wish I could have the sort of comfort that your deity brings to you, that your faith in pan brings to you, but I don't, I just don't think I'll ever be able to make that leap, she said. Well, it's kind of, let me tell you some, it's pretty much a one-way street.

Oh, old Pan, I don't think Pan really cares, doesn't really give a shit whether or not I'm, you know, his buddy or not. But, uh, you know, it's all about how it makes me feel. You hear, uh, you hear. And she says, uh, oh, I don't, I don't know about that. And you look over and your wooden arm is sort of impatiently tapping its fingers, uh, on the side of the, on the side of the tub. Oh, well, maybe Pan does give a shit.

But you know what? Here's the thing. Here's my feeling on faith. And maybe this will help you. I'm not trying to convert you. Although I do have a couple of those Pan tracks, if you want to take a look at them. But my thing is, if my faith and believing in Pan helps me get through the tough times, hey, then what's the harm?

If it helps me, if it helps me get through. stressful things and helps me get past all the goo and the black and the blood and stuff. Hey, work to my advantage. Um, she, she drains the rest of her fish bowl of wine. Oh, easy. Easy. Go and sister Sue. She says, uh, I appreciate you telling me more about this. I, I, I want you to understand my, my whole life, I dedicated myself to the study. and the service of other people's discoveries, of other people's adventures. I was a supporter. But one day I made the decision to stop championing other people's heroism

and to take the direction of my life into my own hands. And I lost dear, dear friends because of that decision, but it was the only one to make. So I admire your faith, Muriel. I do, but I think I'm done waiting on anyone to fix my problems for me. Oh, no, Pan doesn't fix problems. Let's take a look at the stub where my arm used to be. I think it's more problem-causing.

But, hey, you got to- You hear that. You hear that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you got to stand for something or are you going to fall for anything. So, listen, you have got faith. It's faith in you. I guess that's a good way of putting it.

Yeah. Let's get some more booze up in here. Yeah, let's do that here. Let me pour that for you. Glug, glug, glug, glug glug glug glug. What is this, by the way? What is this purple shit that you're drinking? Grape juice.

Oh. How old is it? 125 years. You know, there's a name for grape juice that's 120-some years old. That was what my jokes sound like. Yeah. We're going to work on that. So you, Taco, are also, you got some downtime after finishing

the Crystal Kingdom campaign. And you've decided for your time off, and maybe you can talk a little bit more about the motivations that have led you to do so, because I thought there's a surprising character choice. You decided to give young Angus MacDonald, boy detective, some tutelage in the ways of magic after he expressed some interest in it in the last episode. Yes. I feel guilty about the whole silverware thing.

About all the, just the silverware, not like the constant ceaseless bullying of this 10-year-old. That's kind of like fun ribbing, just like two equals ribbing each other. I don't feel particularly guilty about that. No, I feel a little guilty about stealing his family's silverware and then lying about it. And pawning it off for like, I think you bought like a soda pop with it. I did nothing with it. In the grand scheme of our adventures, it was not a lot of money. Um, yeah, okay, that's fair.

Um, and so you've decided to give them some magic lessons. So it's, uh, mid afternoon, uh, and you are in the Bureau Balance cafeteria, the mess hall. Um, and it's between meals. There's a kitchen staff cleaning up in the back room. You can hear them clinking and clinking around back there as they, uh, wash dishes and prepare for the, uh, for the dinner service. Um, but basically you got a big open room right now. You've moved some of the tables out of the way.

And in walks. Um, little five foot nothing, Angus McDonald, uh, wearing his, wearing his Sunday best. Uh, and he's holding a little, little dinky wand. Uh, and he just like, he's just, he just, he just prances into the room. He's very excited. And he goes, uh, hello, sir, it's magic day. It's magic day. I suppose, I'm already regretting this. Oh, I'm sorry. I can tone it down if you'd like. I'm just excited to begin my magic, my magic adventure into the, into the arcane art. Okay, all right, let's calm down a little bit. What kind of spells am I going to learn today? No spells today. The first day isn't about spells.

It's about where, what the spells you don't learn, really on the first day. How many spells don't you know? All of them? A good start. I mean, I know all about like the principles of arcane interaction and the sort of the different schools of magic and how they behave. I've done a lot of studying up, but for some reason I just can't seem to get the dang magic to come out. Sure. Here's your first problem. What is this you're holding here? In my magical wand? Yes. What is this you have here? Where did this come from? Leon gave it to me because I helped him solve a

couple mysteries on the side. Those didn't make the episode cut, but there's a whole little, there's a whole campaign we went on together. Okay. See, the problem is a lot of people get wands and they think, well, magic time, baby, like starting a car. But really a wand is just a conduit for the magic that has been inside you all along. That's wonderful. Yeah, that's pretty inspirational and shit. So how do I get that magic to come out of me, sir? Put the one down first. Okay. Very gently, very gently sets it down. Like very, very, very, very, this thing is more precious to him than his family's silverware. Now, he sets it down gentle on the ground. Ironically, ironically. So the first thing is, what if you don't have your wand?

Well, that's a good question. It's on the table, right? So you don't have it. So here's the first spell I'm going to teach you. Are you ready? Yes, sir. Magehand. I know.

I've heard of Magehand. That's good. Magehand is a, it is a cantrip, which is one of the easiest things to cast. And it's conjuration, which is, it just means making something out of nothing. I know what the words mean, sir. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to step on your game. Are you going to have a problem here?

No, no, please teach me. Is this a problem? Trying to salt my game? You run him through sort of the incantation that conjures mage hand up out of nothing. And after a good, like, ten minutes of him just kind of like standing with his hands, is like open palms, like an inch apart, a very, very small spectral.

hand with just a single finger, just the ring finger appears and instantly just like falls on the ground and starts twitching. And Angus sees this like monstrous, um, uh, uh, just pained hand and he starts, um, oh, oh God. Kill it. What did I make? Angus, kill it. Angus, kill it. Dude, stab it with something. He picks up a fork from the table and stab the hand. Stabbing him with the fork, quick. He stabs the, uh, he stabs the hand with the fork and it dissipates back in his smoke. And he goes, that was terrible. It was great. You did it nothing. You did it something out of nothing. That's magic, baby. I guess that's true. I'd like to make a full big hand last time. Hey, Taco, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure. Who taught you how to do magic? That, that's a long story. I didn't so much learn. I used to be a chef a long time ago. That's right. You made me those macaroons. Yeah. Tastes are so good. I ate it as a candlelight's treat for myself by myself in one room. Oh. Yeah, I just cuddled up next to the candlelight's bush, and there weren't so many presents under mine, but that's okay.

And I ate the macaroon, and it was the highlight of my holiday. I tried to learn, I was a chef, and I thought transmutation magic would help, you know, spice things up a bit, right? nobody's impressed if you put mustard on a hot dog because you had the mustard. But what if you went into a box with just mustard and a hot dog and came out with like chicken cordon blue? Like people would be really impressed by that, right? That would be amazing, sir. Chef du jour. So yeah, I try to do that.

I wasn't really that competent at first. And then I sort of lost control. And I was transmogrifying things sort of left and right without really thinking about it. Which was a bad scene. And then... Well, absolute power corrupts absolutely, as my grandpa said. That's not relevant here, but a fine point and well observed. So why don't you cook very much anymore, sir?

The macaroons you made were so delicious. And I wonder why you don't cook for your friends more often, sir. Well, Angus, one time I transmogrified something that, I transmogrified it into something you really shouldn't eat ever for life to live, I mean. And a lot of people ate that. And that went so sideways in, I just decided that I would never again cook for people I cared about because I couldn't risk. something happening to them until I get this under control, I guess. It's very sad, sir. I'm sorry for making you bring that up.

I can tell that you upset you. Yeah, that's okay. You know, I just don't cook for anybody who's close to me, that I care if they live or die, I guess, more specifically. You did let me eat the macaron. I did. I did. That must have been a lapse. I get, you know what, in hindsight, that was a lapse of judgment.

I was actually just really excited about making macaroons. And I'm fairly certain that I didn't, um, poison. Didn't goof that one up. Didn't goof that one up as near as I could tell. I mean, you're here, right? You're fine. Have you always been this height? Um, I have shrunk like four inches in, in the past couple months.

Not related. I'm sure that's not related. I thought it might just be weird moon gravity stuff. weird moon gravity stuff that's exactly you i was about to say that when you said it that's amazing um uh you spend the rest of that day uh conjuring up mage hands with different numbers of fingers on it and uh uh we did a montage in travis's bit so we'll do just a very fast one here uh just kind of jump to the end of it uh it's been about a week and a half and you've given him uh several lessons and uh uh you're back in that cafeteria between meals again and uh

Angus says, sir, sir, check it out, check it out. And he holds out his hand and a small but pretty steady flame appears in it. And he has cast a very competent version of the cantrip produce flame. And he's holding it up to you looking for approval. That is awesome. Congratulations, Agnes. Thank you, sir. Did you say Agnes?

You have done an amazing job. You know, if you keep it up, then someday you might be a better wizard than I am. And that's very kind of you to say. And I grab him by his lapels. When that day comes, little man, oh, when that day comes, I will summon whatever powers I still have at my disposal that you have not siphoned away from me. And I will take all of my canning and all of my cunning and all arcana still within my reach. and I will use it to strike you down, little man. Don't ever, ever again, challenge my power.

It's a monologue I'm working on, Agnes. I'm sorry. That wasn't actually directed at you. That's from a one-man show I'm doing. Okay, so that was just from your play acting then, sir. You peed your loincloth there, Agnes. I know you got a little suit. Peed your loincloth is the name of the show.

You peed your loincloth is the name of the show I'm working on. Can I get tickets? Oh, look. Can't you just conjure them, Mr. Wizard? Mr. Big Tough Magic Boy? He says, this is kind of uncomfortable now. But he holds out a small, like a small cardboard box with a small ribbon around it, which he undoes and opens up. And there's some macaroons inside.

He said, I made these for you, sir, to thank you for the magic. lessons. Oh, hell yeah. Thank you so much, Agnes. I am going to enjoy these in my bunk. You don't want to eat one right now, sir? Yeah, sure, I'll eat one right now. What the hell? You don't go around once, right? You take a bite into it. The texture's fine, and the texture's hard to nail in a macaroni. It is completely flavorless. It's just there's no flavor in it whatsoever. It's fine. It's just fine. I know. I'm probably, I'd probably goofed up on the flavor profile, bit. I'll tell you what, you got the texture exactly right. And really with a macaroon, that's, that's the hard part. You got to make sure to rise. One thing that might help is if you

give the pan a little shake, after you actually dollop out the meringue, you can remove some of these peaks and also sugar. Any sugar at all would be great. Dang, that was it. Yeah. That's the one. Yeah. I was wondering if you could maybe, um, use Presta Digitation to get some better flavors on these bad boys. You could, but really, you shouldn't cross those streams, little man. That got me into some

bad trouble, and I wouldn't recommend it. I was just hoping maybe you could just show me how presidigitation works. But I understand if, no, I understand. No, it's fine. Yeah, press the digitization. So this has two components, V and S.

Here you go. I'll just make the sort of taste better. You point your umbra staff at the box of macaroons and begin to cast Presti Digitation, but it's a hard spell name to say. But Prestigitigation does not come out of your umbra staff. It feels like actually your umbra staff is sort of exerting a will of its own. And Presti Digitation doesn't come out of it.

The spell scorching Ray does. And you blast this little box full of macaroons into dust with a powerful version of the spell scorching ray. And you actually have to like hold your elbow to like prevent the recoil. This is a powerful-ass version of this. And once you did this, Angus goes, well, okay, I can understand if you didn't like them, sir, but that's all you had to say. You didn't have to burn them all up. No, that's not what I cast.

Scorching ray comes out of your umbra staff again, and this time your umbra staff like pulls your elbow, um, so that it's pointing in a straight line, and it's firing the spell scorching ray into the wall, and you could just feel the umberstaff, like making you trace a shape, and it carves out the letter L in fire in the wall,

and then it does a U and then it does a P and then the staff shuts down and you feel it like just kind of lose any power that it was exerting over you in that moment. So your staff, you lost control of it and you blasted the letters L-U-P into the wall. Why? What is that? What is L-U-P? Angus takes out a notebook and he says,

Sir, I appreciate the magic lessons. but it sounds like you've just given me an even better gift. A new mystery to solve. Oh, fuck. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin Macquarie, a dungeon master, your best friend, your worst enemy. Don't cross me, bud. Not today, not today of all days.

I'm just not feeling it. Thanks for listening to The Adventure Zone episode 40. Kind of a weird episode, huh? I kind of decided that I wanted to try something different for this lunar interlude. I couldn't really come up with an idea for what to do between arcs. So I thought I'd give it over to the boys. and do some smaller sort of character development-based scenes with them. I hope you liked it.

It was fun to do it, and maybe we'll do it again later on in the future. But the next arc starts in the next episode, so I'm looking forward to getting into that. I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. We don't pay to advertise the show at all, so the only way that we have to spread the word and grow and get bigger and bring in new listeners is for you to tell your friends who you think might be interested in. the show. We work really hard on it and I appreciate everything you can do to help us spread the word around. If you tweet about the show using that hashtag, you might end up as a character on the show. We are going to record a couple episodes for the new arc probably in the next week or so. So get those tweets in now. I've got a lot of characters in this new arc that I need to name. So I've been scouring

scouring Twitter. Got a few that I've picked out, but plenty of slots available. Use that the zonecast hashtag might end up as a character on the show. Got a few personal messages on this episode of the Adventure Zone. If you want to get a personal message on the show, just go to Maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron. You can find out how to get a message on the show there. First message here is for Mike, our benevolent god of DM. It's from Mina, Jameson, Thoradin, Lamy, Rupert, and also named Rupert, and Dan Halen, which is a good D-D name.

They say, hi, fellow DM, I'm also a DM. Happy birthday. We know it's hard DMing. us, but you do it so well. Remember when Lamy killed a girl? Thoradin took a nap instead of saving us from the Dick Cream Shop and Jameson tried to kill a dragon by putting on a Spiro costume?

Thanks for being a benevolent DM. Please don't kill us. Love the worst D&D players ever. Based on the few scenarios you've laid out there, and I'm thinking that was probably your squad at their worst. I think that might be a fitting sort of

superlative for you guys to have. Got another one here for Erica round Seattle, and it's from Zach Round Francisco, who says, saying goodbye to a long-time friend. The Macaroys seemed like the best vehicle to deliver how sad I am to be leaving. We'll miss our bad movie days more than I could possibly express. You're an awesome friend, and I hope by the power of the interwebs, that doesn't change. If you ever need to see a cat talk again, you're always welcoming Callie. Wondering, there's a sad message, and it sounds like it's going to be a sad goodbye,

but you'll always be friends no matter what. And that's all great. And I'm more interested in hearing the cat magic that this person apparently possesses, and I will get my answer off the air. This message is for Cosmos Craig, and it's from Mom and Dad, who say, hey, Cosmos, that's right, buddy. You just heard your name on the Adventure Zone podcast. Hell yeah, here's a few bonus ones.

Cosmos, Cosmos, Cosmos. Why? Because your parents rock, of course. We couldn't get your name as a character, because we have exactly zero interest in tweeting, but here it is on the podcast anyway. Cosmas, Cosmos, Cosmos. See, they threw in a few, too. We hope when you are older, you realize how cool we were for letting you,

and then the message got cut off because you ran out of characters, but I'm going to assume that ends with let you listen to this foul, foul podcast program. And I can't help but agree. You got some cool folks there, Cosmos. Cosmos. Cosmos. Cosmos. That's a good name. One last message here. This one's for Stephanie, and it's from Dana, who says, thank you for the last few years of love, fun, and creativity. I'm so honored and lucky to be

marrying you this October. Awesome. I love that on this show, we get messages in, like, way before, like nine months after they are relevant. I love you with all my heart. P.S., let's get those wedding invitations for Travis, Griffin, and Justin in the mail ASAP. Yes, if you want to send wedding invitations, you can actually find all of our P.O. Box information at mackroyshows.com. That's where those live. That's a good place for those to go. And congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. Go listen to the other shows on the Maximum Fun Network. There's a lot of really, really great programs on there, including a new one called The Greatest Generation, which is a podcast about

Star Trek. If you're just sort of a general nerd, that sounds like one that you might be able to sink your teeth into. If you're not a Star Trek fan, there's a ton of other shows on the network that I'm sure one of them's going to tickle your fancy. Just go to make a lot of maximum fun.org. Check them all out. You can check out all the other projects that we macaroys do at macroydshoes.com, like I mentioned earlier, all of the video stuff that we do at Polygon and all the podcasts, the many, many podcasts we do, you can find them all there. I don't want to go on any longer because this episode's already going to go on for forever, and I want to get back into it. But thank you all so much for listening to it. The response to the last story arc was like

genuinely moving, and I'm really excited about the places we went in that arc. I really enjoyed you know, exploring, making music for the first time and using it in the show. You can find all that music on my SoundCloud account. It's just Griffin McRoy on SoundCloud. The whole Crystal Kingdom soundtrack's up there now. So, yeah, thank you all so much for your kind, warm reception. So basically all the stuff that we try to do on this show. So we're going to get into the character development part of the podcast.

That's going to be the back half of this episode. And then the next episode is going to go up on, Oh, manseys, June 2nd. So we will see you then. Bye. We're back all together again, and I hope all that went. Okay, we're recording this part, but we're recording the second half of this episode before the first half of the episode that you just listened to. So if it was a fall, if it was a colossal failure, should we apologize in this part of the show?

You know what? I'm going to say, you're welcome. Whatever it was. I'm sure it went really well. So the three of you have sort of, uh, regrouped. grouped back at the Bureau of Balance. And I don't know why you didn't do all this stuff immediately after the Crystal Kingdom arc, but you're doing it now because we got to do.

Yeah. Well, because everyone was on Christmas break, Griffin. We had to wait for Leon to get back from the candlelight. Yeah. Leon was out. His family celebrates Elven Candle Nights, which, as we all know, lasts twice as long. And that's the end of the goof. But Leon...

I wish more goofs had. that. Yeah. It's so nice. When they're done, they're done. But Leon, the art... Just a finite bookend, and then the joke teller says, and that's the end of the joke. And now you know the rest of the goof.

The rest. Um, so Leon is back in his, uh, in the goshapon artificer chambers, uh, where the three of you find yourselves now with a shiny goshapon token. And as soon as you walk into the room, Leon just goes, uh, oh, fuck. Oh, no. No, we've, we've got it this time. You said that. every time that you come in.

Look me in the eyeballs. I've got it. And I hand my token to taco. You're going to give Taco two goes at it then. Well, he's going to do it for me. No, that's not how it works. Double.

Here's the, no, I know. No, no, no. It's to you. No, you shut up. Here's the thing. He reaches into his robe, and he pulls out three shining, sparkling,

wrapped, delicious-looking pieces of candy. And he says, you guys get it right on your first try and you'll be rewarded with the most delicious leftover candle night sweets that your sweet little malice have ever tasted. Point of order. Do we all three have to get it right to get a candy

or does each person get a candy for getting it right? No, you know what? Let's raise the stakes. Yes, it's an all or nothing game, Magnus. Oh, you got me, Leon. Put the coin in the goshapon machine by yourself turn the wheel, get your prize, you do it good. Oh, it's tasty candies in there. Hey, let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question.

That's a fun, Magnus joke. Uh-huh. What's your favorite candy? Targish Deli. Marzapan. And you, Taco? I like Ferrero Rochairs. Oh, wouldn't you just know it?

He waves his hand over these three sweets, and they transform magically into the three things you've said. Dunk. All right, let's do this. I put my token in. to the machine myself. Hell yes. One for three. And I got

a two. Is that good? Should I roll again? The number does not matter. Is it good, Griffin? This is actually very good for you, Magnus. You hear a loud kachunk come out of this machine as a pretty

sizable package falls out of it. Tell me more about my sizable package. We're just going to say Every one of those It's just you're not going to let any of them sail by Nope It is a very

You know what I just changed my mind It's an empty package you get nothing No no no No it's a pretty big package It is a You pull out a capsule from this machine And as you pop it open You see what appear to be

Dark gray feathers and they're not actual feathers. They seem to be made of some sort of like studded leather, like super light leather. And as you sort of unfurl it, it looks like some sort of a very light piece of torso armor, chest armor, with this light gray feathered design.

Yeah, I am. On board. And you take it back to Leon, who flips through his book and very quickly locates this item. He says, okay, that is the featherweight cuirass. And it's an interesting piece of armor that increases the wearer's flexibility and mobility. The featherweight cuirass, it has the same AC as the armor that you are currently wearing, which is actually kind of impressive because it's definitely lighter. But it gives you plus three on every acrobatics check from now on.

Oh. So any feats of flipping or things like that that you want to do, you can now go have an easier time doing them. So I expect more stunts in the future from Magnus. Sweet. Yes, especially since, as people who listen to this after the fact will know, I'm going to train in that with Carrie. Yeah, unless you trained bad. I don't know.

Oh, okay, maybe I trained real bad. He says, okay, please, who's next? Who's going to keep this streak alive? Griffin, just so I know, is it like a cape or is it like a chest piece that's like a chest piece? Okay. Yeah. I just want to give our fan art people.

Well, and also you didn't know what it was. I think fan art sounds diminutive. I think like co-creators. Yeah, let's just say. Collaborators. Collaborators. Oh, yeah. I want artistic collaborators.

Because they put more work into it. Then we do. Absolutely. And we make all the money. We don't make any money. Oh, we don't make any money. No. Not if there are.

Mm-mm. We don't. You're saying it like the way you say things. No. No. We don't make any money. Dad, did I inherit my inability to sound sincere from you? That's it.

You have that insincere sincerity. You do it for things that make you sound good. Dad does it for things that make him sound actively worse. When he's telling the truth, you sound like the devil, dad. No. Who's up next on the candy train? He says and shakes the candy train. You can do this, guys.

You all or nothing. Pulling into candy town. I'll go ahead and go. Who are you? I don't recognize your voice. I'm diabetic Merle. All right. Candy means nothing to me.

That's a real, I don't know if that's a real character choice. It's a real Clint choice. I'm not saying, hold on, I should back pedal. Diabetes isn't a choice. No, it's not. It's a lifestyle. In dad's, dad's case, it was more of a lifestyle. Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Krispy Kreme. Okay. Still shaking his candy in his hand. Ooh, chik, chik, chik, chik, chik, here it comes. I extend the coin. He's biting his nails. I'm getting closer and closer to Leon with it. No, I shake a no-no can at him.

I put it in the slot. Okay. Yes. Spin the prize wheel. Oh, sniky. If it rolls on the floor, you don't get anything. You got a negative. You got a nothing.

Imaginary number. 17. 17. Have you rolled a 17? Okay. You put the coin in the slot and turn the crank. A much smaller capsule comes out of the machine than the one that Magnus got. This one's actually more obvious.

It's a bit longer And as you Open up the capsule Inside of it are some Nerd ass looking glasses Like some real thick boxy Like Elvis Costello Brown Tortoise shell shit

Okay Kind of six string samurai kind of thing Yeah kind of you yeah bit buddy Holly and you take it back to Leon, who flips through, there's actually apparently a lot of glasses in that machine because there's like several pages of glasses, and he locates the ones that you, that you've pulled out, and he says, uh, BXR specs, BXR specs, BXR Spex, Bax, no, not quite. These are, uh, these are called awareness frames. And, uh, they are some nerd-ass looking glasses, he says, um, that, uh, enhance the, uh, wearers.

ability to perceive the truth and see things previously unseen, which means that while you're wearing these glasses, you get plus two to both your perception and your investigation checks. So as long as you're wearing these, you'll be able to find things a little bit better and sort of discern the truth of things. So plus two to perception. And plus two to investigation. Leon falls to his knees and like crawls towards you Taco and says Taco Please set me free

Taco taco taco Tico Tadine I cast blank What the Okay you disappear from this plane of existence and reappear in the ethereal plane All right and I walk in the ethereal plane over so I'm staying next to him Okay. And then I reappear and snatch the candy from his hand and put my coin into it.

Make a slight of hand check with advantage. What? Make a slight of hand check with advantage. That's an 18, baby. Like Indiana Jones. Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. I want to make sure that I can't add anything to it. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I got a, I add three to dexterity. That's 21. 21. Uh. He, like, as soon as you do that, he just looks at you and stuns silence and just falls to the ground and curls up in a ball and releases your coin, which rolls across the floor and he just starts weeping on the floor. And he says, we were so, we were so close to Candy Station. I'm already pulling in, Bubula. All right, I picked my coin up, but I pop a fairer was sharing my mouth and I tossed the other boys their candy.

And I go put my coin in the slot because I do know how it works. You're sure that you did it in the right order and you put the candy in your mouth and the coin in the slot. Yeah, I'm positive. Because he's got fillings. And that would hurt. Roll that D20, my boy. Ooh. Eight.

Okay. A pretty average-sized capsule rolls down and out of the machine. and as you lift up the flap and retrieve it, you pop it open, and inside, you see a relatively plain looking slingshot. Carved out of wood with a rubber sling, I guess, on it. And it's carved from a light wood,

but there is an intricate etching in the handle of it. and uh, uh, fucking Leon just like from the floor, like flips around the book, uh, that's up on his desk and just like points to the book and tells you to look at it.

And, I guess that's fuck you. It says, fuck you, Taco. No, uh, it actually is open to an entry.

Uh, and you see the picture of the slingshot you're holding in it. Uh, and this entry, uh, describes the hole thrower. Uh, and once,

once per day, the whole, hole thrower can put a perfectly circular hole into any non-living, non-magical object or barrier. You roll a D-10. You point the hole thrower at what you want to put a hole in. You roll a D-10, and then the hole's diameter is that many feet, whatever you roll. So you can use this to open up a door in a wall or a hole in a door or a, you know. Door and a wall.

So is that, is it, okay, so it's like a barrier, not a, not a, not a, not a thick thing. For walls and doors, right? Not like... I'm trying to think of... You couldn't shoot it at the ground and open a hold to the other side of the earth, no. Okay.

It would have to be within reason. In fact, let's just say whatever you roll in the D-10, it can be that many feet deep as well. Okay, great. Got it. And you can use that once per day. Okay. That's it for your fantasy gosh upon visit.

Leon says... sits up and he wipes the tears from his eyes and he says, I'm not going to give up on you three. I'll get you next time with my gadgets. If you guys keep this up, Leon's going to be the big bad at the end of the at the end of the campaign. And you broke me. Or maybe the second, maybe the second Big Ben.

It seems like we're all done there. Where are we headed to now, Griffin? I think I know. I think it might make... Oh, you know what? I actually heard that they're having a sale. That's not true. They never have sales.

They never have sales at. Costco, we've got a deal for you. That's probably anti-comacted for you boys, because I just said they never have sales at. Yeah, no, we got it. Yeah, you're at the fantasy Costco. Is this the third or fourth time we made it to the fantasy Costco? I think this is the fourth. I'm not sure, though.

Okay. So, you all got paid $2,000 gold pieces in your last adventure. The only other revenue source we had was the bag of gems that Magnus found in Lucas's private quarters. I'm not sure if you remember that. I do. I wrote it down. I appraised that at 1,200 gold pieces.

It is up to you, I guess, if you want to share that or not. I think Merle was in the room with you when you found it, so that may be a tricky. I'm, I'm, okay, I'll tell you this. I will, uh, it's, it's like a bonus to buy things that people want. too that are more than... Oh, like a pool. Okay. We'll call it a pool of money.

Well, then you guys have 2,000 gold pieces with this floating pool of 1,200. And I don't know if you had any money left over, but if so, you can add that to the total. And then I have emailed you a list of items. Should we go down the list and read off some of the stuff that people send in? Griffin, can we buy just regular stuff to you if we need just like regular supplies? Yes, there's a... So there's a table in your players' handbook of just like everyday common objects. And within reason, I'll allow you to pick stuff out of that.

I think you can buy it. I want to buy a mastiff. A what? A mastiff? A dog. Nice try, but you know there's no dogs on the moon. But I want it so bad. He's explicitly said there's no dogs in the moon.

But I want it. It's so bad. I'd like to do something really different. Okay. Look in the eyes of my heart, Griffin. No. I would like to do something that actually makes sense for me to buy. Okay.

And I know that's kind of out there. Oh, by the way, I should mention, in addition to the, like, a dozen or so new items in the menu, everything you have never, you didn't buy in past visits is still available. I had that on this list as well. I think with my bad habit of burning through spell slots, I ought to buy Matthias. The Living Grimwar. Yeah, you got it. So Matthias, the Living Grimoir, is a new item sent in by Will Barnett.

Thank you well. It looks like Barrett here. I thought it was Barrett, too. Yeah, sorry. I'm sitting very far away from my computer. Will Barrett? Thank you well. It's this Clockwork Owl, it's a Clockwork Owl, has been owned by dozens of different wizards throughout its lifespan and can now recite Arcane Knowledge on Command. All Arcana checks made by the player who owns this item gain advantage. In addition, a player can use this to prepare a spell they do not know once per day. This spell still takes up a spell slot of the spells level. So you don't get extra. You can have a spell that you wouldn't normally be able to learn and sort of have it live in this owl, but whenever you cast it, it does still burn one of your spell slots. That's cool. And it also gives you advantage on arcana checks.

And then I would like to put my 500 remaining into the pool. Oh, okay. That's very kind of you. Okay, the pool is not... Well on our way to that magical flaming sword thing. That's what I was thinking. So the leftover from last time we still have John Williams' eight-year-old son, Colin, who sent in this... You can't buy Colin.

I thought for a second, yeah. No. And he's such a talent. Colin sent in the flaming, poisoning, raging sword of doom, which is the sword with a gigantic blade, wreathed in flames with a crooked, oozing scorpion stinger, affixed to its point, and it just does a bunch of damage. But it's 60,000 GP. And may I say the people submitting these are, every time they just get better and better and better.

They do. Do you want to say, try and keep those descriptions short. So many people send in so many cool items that are like nine paragraphs. explaining what they do, and I love it, and I love how much work went into it. We just can't. We can barely keep hole thrower straight. So I don't...

Hey, Griffin? Yeah. If I pick up a rapier, just a regular old rapier, is there somewhere I can go on the moon to pay to have it enchanted? No, that's not really how magic items work. I see.

You can buy a rapier, though. We can work that out. Get one that looks like a mastiff. your dog sword. We also have items like the mockingbird gum from Jacob Mao, which is a pack of gum, and when you chew it,

it allows you to emulate another person's voice for an hour. I'm going to pick up the magnetic charge. Okay, that was... Thank you, Drew. Read what it. Yeah, please. A fist-sized glass ball with a blue button on top.

Once the button is pressed, the ball will begin to glow and produce a magnetic field that lasts two rounds of combat. The field repels any metal, objects within 10 feet from the ball. Take one day for enough charge to be built up to use. Let's put a check on that later.

Just to sort of, I think that would be more interesting. Because also we're going to get in an argument, like if a big fucking tank rolls up and you throw this magnet at it and say like, oh, it should blow the tank away. We should have some sort of way of determining how powerful it is, but we can figure that out later. Okay. Please do the math on your own gold. Working on it. Okay. That was another item.

There's the all or nothing coin, which actually a lot of people send in. This must be like a like D&D staple. But anyway, once per day when you're supposed to roll a D20, instead of rolling a D20, you flip a coin. And if it's heads, it's a critical hit. And if it's a tails, it's a critical miss. What do you think, boys? Do you like that astral shell? Is that something you think we need?

Is that the one from Henry Sigol? Yeah. It's a conch shell that allows you to interrogate the souls of the recently dead. I feel like we accidentally kill a lot of people and that could really come in handy Yeah, because when we want to apologize and stuff Yeah I added this to the list thinking it would be so cool

But that's a good point Like I had the exact same thought process Of like that time you accidentally murdered Barbara And then wanted to get some information from Barbara How would that conversation go? Like oh dog, sorry we merge you What's the password to your fort? Trevor, you think about it for a second

Because I know the two things I want to get Go for it. I'm going to grab the mockingbird gum from Jacob Mao. A pack of green and blue speckled minty sticks of chewing gum allows anyone chewing it to emulate another person's voice for one hour. Cool. That's 200 J.P. What's the next? And I'm also going to get the arcane tricksters glove.

Okay, yeah, this one's neat. It turns my mage hand invisible and allows it to perform stealthy actions, including pickpocketing, sleight of hand or other acts of remote ledger mane for these checks use your arcana score not your stealth score now it is not mentioned here does this have a i'm i'm guessing it does it was it intended to have like a once a day refresh on it or is it just whatever um no it's just this this this permanently augments the may chance spell so this is actually i stole this from the book this is this is an item that i came up with uh there is a rogue archetype called the arcane trickster and the it's so fucking cool i've been messing turn around with that fifth edition app and like looking at all the different builds that you can make.

And the arcane trickster rogue can't do a lot of the stuff that rogues can do, but it can cast some spells. And one of the like benefits it gets is it knows mage hand no matter what, and it can turn its mage hand invisible and use it to pick pocket from somebody or it can use it to put something in somebody's pocket. And it does it with with mage hand. But it's not like an instant success. You just, you still have to make a check to do those things. It just gives you some, some more things that you can do with Mageehan. And I know this sounds like a powerful thing, but it's also the most expensive thing on the menu.

Yeah. Uh-huh. And that's it. I think I'm going to go. That makes, that's 17. So I have 300 left over to throw into the pool. Okay. Okay, there's now 2,000 gold in the pool.

So you guys. I'm going to also grab the tarantulas bracelet. Sick. Uh, once per day bestows spider climb on the wearer for 10 minutes. and renders his movements while moving completely silent, granting him advantage on stealth throws. I meant his movements while climbing, yeah. Yeah, I thought that might be the case.

I want to be explicitly clear. There's no web slinging. You will sling no webs. But you will climb and slime, just like a spider can. With great responsibility. Yes. Let me run down some of the other stuff we got. There's mystery powder, which was sent in by Brian Mellab.

Nacus. Yeah, that felt good. Sent it in, thank you. It's a bag of powder that has one charge that refills once per day. So it's a bag that refills with this powder. And when used on a target, whether friend or foe, you roll one D-100 and have the effect chosen from the wild search table from the wild sorcerer part of the player's handbook. So there's a sorcerer class, and one of its, like, paths is wild sorcery.

And there's a big table full of, like, weird effects you can do, like, your skin turns blue. or you grow in size by one size or something. Yeah, but I don't have a D100. That is a good point. There's some way to fake it. Like you roll a D10 and... I could just buy it and support the flailing dice industry. Well, you roll 2D10,

and the first number is the first digit and the second number is the second digit. That's how you do. I guess that too. I really want to buy the Strong Mouse laughing amulet just so we can use it once. The comedic pressure on Strong Mouse's laughing amulet, send him by William...

I want to do it. What's it you? So it is actually a great description. This is one of my favorite ones of this batch. May I? May I? Yeah, please. Go ahead.

Traditionally worn by high priests of the boisterous and jovial smiling God, the amulet carries the image of a stylized human face, mouth open and laughter. And whenever a foe is defeated, the wearer may activate the amulet by tapping it twice and then delivering the best taunting joke or victorious one-liner applicable to the current situation. If the jest pleases strong mouse, which is to say if the DM thinks it's funny enough, he rewards the adventurer by recharging up to 1D10 plus con HP. But strong mouse is a fickle god. Jokes that fail are punished with a small bolt of lightning, dealing 1D6 lightning damage per failure. I didn't hear that name of it.

Is it called the Clint McElroy suicide? I'm doing William Hughes I see this as a challenge I see this as William Hughes Clinch and McClendon Me personally If you're going to buy this with money

Out of the Pool I'm going to put a restriction on it And say that you got Really try your best And if you phone it in And make a joke out of getting struck You have to hand it over to me and Justin Understand

If you buy this thing My expectation for the one-liners In this game Is gonna become just way more stringent. It's going to take a lot more for me for you guys to get a chuckle buster out of me. I don't care.

I'm up for it. If you don't want me to, I won't get it. No, I think it's hysterical. Yeah, Justin, I'm looking at the Champions Belt, which is another 800. Yeah. Yeah, I think that that would be, I didn't really have my eye on anything else,

so if you wanted to grab it. But there's 800 left if there's anything else you want. You know what? I might go ahead and get from Bianca Rodriguez the no-sodium salt shaker. It's a salt shaker you can put on a food that turns pink of it, contains poison. I like that. Oh, it seems like that. Yeah, you know what? Let's do that, and then we'll take two healing potions.

Okay. Yeah. And you know what? And the haunted doll. And that's going to take a see even. You know, with my big amulet in my glasses, I'm going to look like the guy that sang a Humpty Dance. Yeah, exactly like Mr. Humpty.

Thank you. Senior Humpty. I'm going to add a modifier to the no sodium salt shaker that it actually also makes food just taste really good. It's just like a delicious spice. Oh, cool. Dido, can I throw just a regular old rapier in there too? Sounds like you're going to go over your budget,

which means it sounds like it's time to deal with me. Garfield, the deal, Warlock. Sorry, I was back in the stock room while you bought you. were perusing my aisles. I'm glad I caught you before you go. I have something important to ask you. Yeah? What is it?

Do you like deals? Let's see how we can squeeze this rapier into the mix. Magnus, perhaps you'd like to give me a little bit more blood on some object that you have? Oh, God. Was there blood on a thing? You signed a shield in blood that you gave to him once. Oh, I did do that. You dirty, nasty boy.

I love it. You can have my old chest armor. What even was it? I don't know. Plate mail, I think. It smells like you sweat into this a lot. So much. That's a Burnside family thing.

Add some blood to the mix. Maybe I think about it. How much blood? A good amount. For 25 gold? Flip it over and look at it because on the inside is the name Thomas Kincaid. So it's probably a collection. This, yes, this seems very valuable.

I'll have to hammer out the weird nipples that you have. No, that's a deal breaker, Garfield. Those came around naturally. Why do you care whether or not it'll have nipples on it? Because it's an artistic piece as much as it's functional. You give you a little bit of blood on this thing and I'll be good to go. All right, done. Here's a little bit of blood.

Oh, I'll get it. He gets a weird black dagger with a bone on it. Let's use mine. Oh, God. Okay, he pricks your finger with the knife and, uh, uh, rubs it on the chest plate and hands you a rapier in return. Pleasure doing business with you. That seems an awful lot for a 25 gold piece rapier, I'm just saying. It's just blood, homie.

Doesn't grow back. Um, let's level up real quick. Okay. Uh, who wants to go first? We're getting up to level 10 from out last adventure. I will. I have to buy something. Okay, what does it say? It says...

Wait, does it say like pay 299 if you want to level up? Fifth edition Character She ate premium version completely add free. Automatic character leveler 1 through 20. Purchase now. Whoops. This is a good application. And I think that's a good usage of some dollars. But if you want, we can do that later.

And I can just sort of walk you through what you will be doing in the app. Justin, are you okay with spending it? Because it's your iPad. Are you okay with spending... It's like the dad's account, so... Oh, okay. So, yeah, go ahead, Jeff. Okay, so in practical sense, in real world terms, I'm multi-classing now, which was the

training with Carrie. Which we have talked about, and I've given you explicit permission to do, because we figured out how to do it story-wise. Yeah, so basically, I am now a level eight fighter and a level two rogue. Which I think makes sense for Maddoings, because you do, you're protecting guardian, but you also do you're kind of a nasty boy out on that battlefield yeah yeah um and it it brings with it a couple of fun new things the one i really like is thieves can't so what is that it's like a secret language yeah it's like a secret language which is also like secret writing and symbol language too um that if you

talk to somebody or write symbols to somebody who understands thieves can't they don't understand it what i found interesting is the book described it as taking twice as long as normal so i don't know what that means, how that translates in mechanics of like, like if I were in the real world using Thieves Cant, where people would just like, this seems like it's taking forever. Hey, dog, steal any good shit. Because I think it's supposed to be like snuck into your language so that people wouldn't realize you were doing it. Yeah, and I also think it's also mostly written, like the secret written language of thieves as well. All right, I'm into that. It also comes with, um,

sneak attack, which basically when I make an attack, if I have advantage, or if someone is flanking them with me and that person who is flanking is not unconscious or anything like that. Right. You would get advantage under that situation anyway. Yeah. That I, if I'm using a finesse weapon or a ranged weapon, I add one D6 damage on the attack. Right. So that's what the rapier is for and also that number, I assume, will go up. So I like how that actually balances out a lot. Like, it's a different weapon for a different situation? Because you wouldn't use your rapier normally. It's not as powerful as rail splitters unless you can get the sneaky, sneaky drop on it.

So, like you really will be playing both roles. I like that a lot, actually. I also have cunning action, which is once per turn, I can take a bonus action and either dash, disengage, or hide. Okay. It also, in multi-classing, allowed me to be proficient. efficient in another skill, one of four or one of the thieves rogue skills. Okay. With stealth and also gave me a set of thieves tools.

That's neat. And one of the things you get to do is a first level rogue is pick either two of your skills or one skill and your thieves tools and be double proficient in them. It's called expertise. Okay, cool. So I get a plus 10 on stealth checks. Jesus. Yeah.

And I'm doubly proficient with thieves tools. If I'm doing it correctly, if we're not doing this right, this is actually one of those situations. Most of the time, like, Circular Hearing Tate the Healing takes 10 minutes to cast. I don't want to hear it. I actually do want to know if we have fundamentally fucked up Travis's shit. I was Googling the shit out of expertise to find out if it was the kind of thing that's stacked, but like I couldn't find it. Multi-classing, I think is inherently, it's cool, but it's inherently very complicated. But if you're, if just being a straight up and down fighter, if there's not enough, like, cool utility stuff there, which I totally get,

I think you should be able to do it. I also realized from going back and listening to other episodes and doing research into the multi-classing, that when I'm holding my shield, I should be adding plus two to my AC, and it should be 20, which I haven't been doing. So that's another thing to keep in mind. If I'm holding the rabier and the shield, I don't do as much damage, but I can withstand a lot more damage. Okay. Yeah. Okay, I bought the app. Well done.

Thank you. Were you getting, like, fucking Candy Crush ads? while we're playing D&D? No. Okay. And I don't think there was anything else that... Oh, oh, oh, I take that back. One more thing with multi-classing is,

even though I'm only a level eight fighter and a level two rogue, it still counts as a level 10 character. Yeah, that makes sense. So my proficiency bonus went from plus three to plus four. Okay, dig it. And start thinking about a new name for this hybrid class that you're playing that I can sort of offhandedly refer to. I understand that it's two different sets of levels.

But I feel like a combined class name would be very handy. I'm going to say bouncer. We can work on. We want a sales sword? SELSword. Ooh, I like that. Mercenary. I think mercenary is a good way to go.

I'm strong and also a little bit sneaky. What about a rough boy? Rough boy's it. We found it, guys. It's rough boy. Oh, okay. Is it RU-F-F-B-O-I? It absolutely is RU-F-F-B-O-I.

All right, who else is leveling up? Well, I did. Do I need to take? Tell you? Yeah, tell me what you did. Did you get any new big things of consequence? I trust that the app, you got some more HP. By the way, Travis, get your extra HP.

Yeah, I did. I'm up to 99. All right, make sure that you roll the hit dice on the rogue side when you level up as a rogue, which I did. Okay. I did. You get 1D8 instead of 1D10 when you level up as rogue. Did you get anything cool? Daddy.

Okay, yeah, I'm looking. It doesn't seem like you got, it seems like you kind of just got. The proficiency bonus goes up. Everybody does. Yeah, but I plus four. He did that. automatically. Dad doesn't have like classes of like tutelage as I do, right? You did get some new spells. At level nine, you got insect plague and tree stride. Yeah, your proficiency bonus went up to

four, so that's going to affect more or less all of your roles, which is good. You should have a new cantrip, and also you can now cast level five spells, fifth level spells. Beginning at 10th level, you can call on your deity to intervene on your behalf when your need is great. Employing, wearing your deity's aid requires you to use your action. Describe the assistance you seek and roll percentile dice. That's 2D10. If you roll a number equal to or lower than your cleric level, your deity intervenes. The DM chooses the nature of the intervention.

The effect of any cleric spell or cleric domain spell would be appropriate. If your deity intervenes, you can't use this feature again for a week. Otherwise, you can use it again after you finish a long rest. So you would have to roll a... You would have to roll a... A 10 or below on 2D10, which would be pretty tricky, but then again, you are asking for...

You got 50-50 shot. No. You have a 1... 25%. You have a 10% chance. Wow, guys. Wait, you have to roll less than D10 on 2D10. 2D10, the first number being the first digit

and the second digit. Oh, gotcha. I thought you meant Adam together. No, that's a percentile dice. Okay. We've never had to fuck with percentile dice before, but that's how that works, I think. So, yeah, you can roll 2D10, and if you get lower than 10, then you can make Pan do something for you. Like, help you move.

Seems poor use. I don't know. All right, cool. So you got a bunch of new spells. You got the ability to cast stronger spells. and you can now ask Pan for direct favors. We can even reccon and say that's what happened at the end of the last chapter with the golden leaves. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. That was when you leveled up. Taco. Yes. So, on the less exciting end of thing, for Fisher Boats is also up to four. I have the D. I'm up to 57 hit points.

See, that sounds good to me. Yeah, I mean, that's a, I can take a couple of tasty, tasty hits. My, I have a new, I have the ability now to cast polymorph because of my school transportation. I can cast polymorph for free once per day. That's the shape changer feature of my, my tutelage in transportation. So you shape change into, so I'm reading this now. When you do so, you can target only yourself and transform into a beast whose challenge rating is one or lower. That's some druid shit.

I didn't know you could do that. Yeah. Yeah. So Taco can now be. So you can animorph? He can animomorph. You're an animorph now? I'm an animorph.

It's basically. Don't fucking stay in the hawk too long, Tobias. That is important. A lot of people stay in the hawk too long. Don't stay in the hawk too long, Tobias. Yeah, but that's my stuff. That's cool. And you got extra health.

Okay. Wow, that was a big, that was a big level up sash. A lot of people got some cool shit. All right. And I'm ready for whatever's next. You're not ready. You guys want to,

you guys want a little preview of what it is? Yeah. What's new in the next campaign arc? Yeah, what do you got, big boy? I'm still figuring it out. Boot-lau-loo. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned. Listener supported. Hi, are you a fan of Star Trek The Next Generation? Well, that's weird because it's a corny show. But my friends Ben Harrison and Adam Pranika do a lovely podcast about it. It's called The Greatest Generation and it's on maximum fun.org. I thought that this podcast was a bad idea, but I was wrong. Please listen to the greatest generation on maximum fun.org.