The Adventure Zone - Ep. 45. The Eleventh Hour - Chapter Five

Episode Date: July 28, 2016

Now that Refuge's destroyer has been revealed, our heroes work together to discover a way to stop it. But how many more attempts will they get at solving this, their most deadly mystery yet? Merle leads the group in prayer. Magnus plays hardball. Taako gets on his diamond grind. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. The fifth grand relic, the temporal chalice, or chalice, depending on just sort of what region you're from. I've been falsely accused, boys, I'm locked up here. They said I blew up the temple. I don't blow up in damn temples, I blow up the earth. I get those diamonds out from under them. Best there ever was. That sure's shit.

True. Oh, my God. It's actually taco. You're taco. Oh, well, it's always nice to meet a fan. The magical, the magical chef. I saw your show in the underdark. There is some kind of force field,

and it's surrounding the only other door in this room, through that hole in the floor. You can see teeth, both the flame and the purple worm, burst through the bubble, and you do not live long enough to hear the 12th chime of the clock above you. I hope our boys have a very big salt shaker. I don't actually know if salt kills worms.

It's hard to think of things to see. say sometimes. The Adventure Zone. So the three of you just died again. Oops a doodle. What are you going to do? Every time you do that, your KD ratio goes down a little bit. And there will be leaderboards at the end of the campaign.

Oh, man. Keep an eye on that. You're not going to get the fun kill shot banners. I haven't played Call of Duty in a while. Griffith, what kind of achievements have we earned so far in this run? Not a whole lot. They're mostly like the ones that you have to. unlock to like move through with the story.

Most improved. Oh, okay. I'll take that. So you're back in that white space after dying and you see the old woman again. And she looks exhausted like she did while you were working away through the mind's sort of trial and error style. But she actually kind of looks kind of pleased with you. And she says, you're getting very close. Are we hot or cold?

and then you fade out and wake up again and you're in front of Roswell and you're in front of the beautiful village of refuge like you have woken up in front of just so so many times world's your oyster um quick show of hands poll even though we're in an audio medium um were we all cool with the quick play of here's all the names and the people and skip this loop yeah i think so yeah jump right up to the locker room i just raised my hand. Justin has his up. You're going to go back to the quarry? No, I just want to get through the Roswell Exchange. Okay, yeah. The Roswell Exchange. The Roswell Exchange. As it

shall become known in all the documents. Protecting your investment. Which is like five minutes in. Okay. Hmm. I was kind of hoping that we would have found a diamond by now. Yeah. Because I feel like we need at least like a little more guidance.

We definitely know what's destroying the town, but we don't have the faintest clue what to do about it. I had an inclination to go try to talk to Isaac finally, because we've heard a lot about him and we haven't met him yet, and I feel like he's got something to do with those barriers. I will say this re-diamonds. They are the currency in this town, so it's not like you have to find them in a mine in the same way that you don't go to the, like, U.S. like treasury to get dollar bills from the printing press.

You want me to get a fucking part-time job? What do you want? I wouldn't hate that. Okay, I'm going to get a part-time job. You do have a strong connection with Wren. Let's go to, let's go, okay, yes, yes, let's go to Wren. Okay. Okay, I'm going to go try to find Isaac.

Are you guys cool splitting the party? I've got all the party points, so yeah. Dad, do you want to go with church? because he may need muscle and I'm just going to trick people or do you want to go with me? Oh, man. My first big choice. I'm rolling to die. If it's odd, shit, this is your first big choice?

We're playing this game for like 45 episodes. I am, I am, if it's odd, I go with Justin. If it's even, I go with Travis. It's even. All right. I go with Travis. Cool. Okay.

Taco. I lean in tomorrow. We're just going to go take a nap. Yeah. Merlin Magnus, I want you to think about how you would find this dude. Because, like, you haven't seen them anywhere. And so I don't know how you plan to accomplish that. But we'll get to that.

Taco, we'll start with you. You're just rolling up to the Davy lamp? Yeah, I'm headed in the Davey lamp. Okay. You're in there, and you're in there so early that you actually see these two purple kerchief ruffian-looking folks. and they're just, they're drunk. They're not like threatening anybody. They're just kind of drunk and they're causing a scene

and they're talking about how shitty the bubble is and how they're going to pop this thing one way or another. And they got big, big plants. It's kind of like that scene in Hamilton where the story of tonight only if everybody was like dicks. And they're just like talking about the big plants and emissions and stuff. Got it. If everybody was literal wangs.

And Wren looks like kind of frustrated with these two folks. Otherwise, the scene is just as it was the last time, there's a piano player playing some smooth-ass jazz jams. That the gambler and they're... Did you say jock jams? Yeah, they're playing jock jams on the piano. And I'm leaving a silence here for what that sounds like. I don't know if I'll be able to learn how to play jock jams on the piano. I have 24 hours until this episode goes up.

Yeah, the gambler and their big Goliath friend sitting at a table. And yeah, it's the usual scene. Uh, hello, uh, madam. Oh my God, your taco. I am. I'm looking for an attempt here. I'm your biggest fan. I saw you play in the under dark.

I, uh, wait a minute. Are you, are you, are you Ren? You remember me. Little Ren? Oh, I, I can't believe that. I remember. I remember you right there in one of the rows and in one of the seats, right? Yeah, row D.

Roe D. C. Seat 17. I remember that very well. I love playing the underdog. How are you? I'm doing okay, except I got a couple of these rowdy boys in here, and they're trying to really cause a stink. And one of the rowdy boys says, hey, I don't appreciate that.

I'm just trying to tell everybody about my big bold plans and come along. Join the Liberation Brigade. Well, listen, I have some business to discuss with you. Do you need me to get rid of those fellas? She says, no, I think I got it. And she pulls out that rod from behind the counter. And the two guys just, they draw on her kind of sloppily. And she blasts them outside of the bar.

over your head, they go flying out of the bar, and they are gone. And she blows the gun smoke off the rod and puts it back under the counter. There is no way you could have anticipated this, but that is exactly what I came here to see. What can I do for you, Taco? What are you even doing here? Well, I'll tell you, you remember the cooking show, so that's sort of on hiatus, kind of a revamp, we've got going right now. And in the interim, I decided that I want to share what I know with the people of the world. And honestly, and you're going to find this hard to believe, but word of your magics has sort of gotten around. Um, what you just did there, really nice.

Thank you. I've, I've been working on that. It's a kind of a new spell I've been working on. And it's called jerk remover. JerkWRew. JerkWRew. Jerkwad removal. Yeah, I'm super impressed. Can I be honest with you, though, a little bit, Frank? Just a touch sloppy, a little bit. I mean, you know this, right? I'm not telling you anything you don't know.

It's a work in progress, right? Yeah, I mean, I could have removed those jerkwads, I guess, a little bit faster, a little bit more efficiently. Well, and there's other magics, more subtle magics. Here's what I'm going to do. Here's what I'm working on right now. I am going from town to town and holding some, I think you'd call them seminars. They're sort of help your, they're called help yourself, cast yourself into math. Can I finish it?

They're called help yourself cast yourself. Cast yourself, yeah. Into magic legend. It's the use of the word cast that makes me think of every, have you ever wanted to be a model? Yeah, that's exactly right. You're talking about Heimke-Michl. Right. It's called, yes, that's what it's called.

I'll have a better acronym soon, and hopefully you, next time around, I'll have a better acronym. Let me die once. Let me die, and I'll cook something up. But anyway, so, so it's a seminar. It's a one-day thing, and I'm basically, I do it in a town once, but the only sort of hitch is, that I need sort of the payment up front because I use it to secure venue and all the supplies that I'll need for the class. How much is it? I would pay anything. Are you kidding me? How much? This is a weird question. How much is a diamond?

How many is that? Is that good? I mean, when the bubble went up, the trading price was about 300 gold to one ounce. Sure. Of diamond? Yeah. Did I remind us? What was Paloma's rate? It was one diamond for small prophecy, 10 diamond for big. We can't introduce weight of diamonds into this, into this equation.

Yeah, we'll say about one diamond, is it one ounce? One diamond is 300. Okay, so it costs one diamond. Can you believe it? That ain't very much at all. Okay, yeah. She opens up the till on the counter, and you can actually see this thing is like chalk full of diamonds,

like literally full of diamonds. Like, if somebody came in here, here and gave her diamonds, she might actually have a hard time putting them in the till, and she fishes one out and flicks it in your direction. And actually, I think that gambler elf and the Goliath, the gambler stands up and says, I think I would actually love to get down on this lesson as well. I'm always looking to hone my craft. Can you see multiple people at once? It is best if I do that. Now, here, how much magic do you know going in? Quite a bit. Thank you.

Quite a bit. That was not the answer I was hoping for. Listen. Listen, the rate's a little different for you, my friend. Now, that doesn't seem fair at all. I know, I know, but this is the way of magic. The arcane arts are mysterious haze. Anyway, you'll learn that in the seminar. In the seminar, you're going to hear all about that.

It'll be nine diamonds. Goodness. Okay. But here's the best part. After the seminar, this is mainly to secure my venue and what have you after the seminar, you get half of that back. Wow. That's a great deal. Okay. Yeah, it's a great deal. I'm skeptical, but bored, uh, they said and flip, uh,

you see him like sort of, uh, flip their, uh, a part of their poncho to the side, uh, revealing a coin purse. And they also have like a badass looking wand in a holster, uh, at their side. And they, uh, open up that coin purse and, uh, hand you a fistful of nine diamonds. Great. Oh, great. This is excellent. Now, listen, this is a binding. So everybody has to promise me that you'll show up tomorrow for the seminar. Does everybody promise? This is a reservation fee then? I'm kind of confused about. Right. Well, it takes place tomorrow. I want to use today to get everybody together. And we're going to start for, because you know Dawn's light and the effect that has on magics? No, I have no idea what you're talking. Will this be covered in the seminar? You'll learn that. That's summer.

Hell, yeah, we covered the seminar. Don't get up, but now, you haven't even passed 101. Wren takes out a little day calendar and, like, jots it down. She says, I can't wait. I'm excited already. Great. I do just have to say, my lawyers, this is funny. It's going to sound like a joke, but my lawyers have told me to say that if there isn't

a tomorrow, this is Nolan's void. But, of course, there will be a tomorrow. Yeah, that's a weird thing to even, hypothetical even to bring up. For sure, for sure. So listen, everybody start working on your magics, and I'll see you bright and early first. Let's meet up here tomorrow. Yeah, I mean, I work here, so that will be great for me. Oh, and Ash is always here, so that should be great.

Great, excellent. Catching them all. All right, so yeah, you have 10 diamonds, and you did that fairly quickly. We'll say it's about 11, 10 or so. Magnus and Merle, hop over to you. What are you doing? How are you finding this? All right, Merle.

So I feel like he's got this big house, right? Yeah. Character voices. Yeah? And we haven't been there yet. Right. So like, let's go there. Okay.

Yeah, good planning. On we go. Take off down the road. Okay, yeah, you make your way to the Elder's Manor. And it is a fairly secure looking location. is a kind of a barbed wire fence going around it and there is, it's a two-story building, one of the only two-story buildings in town. And it looks pretty nice.

Through that fence, the fence is locked. You can see a big heavy metal door that looks like about the only entrance into the building aside from some windows on the second story. That is heavily padlocked. And it looks extremely secure. there's actually a few locks on that big heavy metal door. And yeah, this fence is running the perimeter of the building. Merle, do you have any kind of like detect life or like find a person or where's that dude spells?

I have been searching through my vast litany of spells. And I can't find anything like that anywhere in there. But I do have a spell called Legend. lore where all I do is I describe a person and I get a brief summary of knowledge about that person. It can come from forgotten stories or secret lore. Maybe it'll tell us something about him that'll help us get in. Sure. Why the fuck not?

Yeah. I don't know. So that would be like for some sort of legendary character in history. I don't know that that would like apply to some. dude in a small town that has been removed from time. He's the most prominent figure in the town, though. There's no legends or lore about him in town? I guess there would be, but it wouldn't tell you where he is currently.

Because that's not lore. That's just like information about where they are. I would say my keen D&D senses are telling me we're not supposed to go into the Elder's Manor yet. I would also remind you that Paloma is literally built into this game for situations. Yeah, but Taco's taking care of that. Okay. Um, let's see.

He's not at Helpington's. He's not at Davies' lamp. He's not at the bank. Let me do something, actually. While you all are checking out the Elder's Manor, um, can you both make perception checks for me? Yes. That's a one. Jesus.

That's a seven. Okay. Nothing happens and it's all good. Don't even worry about it, dog. Well, let me do an investigation check of the Manor. That's something I would do. That's a 20. Okay.

I got no perception, but when I'm trying, I can definitely see stuff. I mean, that investigation check is so good that I will tell you, like, there's no lights on in the manner. You put your fucking ear to the ground. There's no sound coming from the manner. You use the lens of straight creeping. There's no, nobody's come in or out of this manner for a grip of time. It has been a really long time since somebody's been in this building. Cool.

Merle, let me ask you a question. Fire away. There's a couple different places we haven't checked out yet. The cave, the fallen temple, stonefruit farm. Have we actually been to the clock tower? I mean, we've seen it blow up and burn up. There's not much to the clock tower. There's not an inside to the clock tower, I don't think.

I think it's just a big, big old clock. We haven't been to the farm, right? You know what? Let's go a different. direction. Okay. We're going to go to the sheriff's office. Okay.

Right. Where we've been and he wasn't there. Yeah, but just follow me on this one. Come with me on this one, won't you? Sure. Lay on, McDuff. All right, what's, what are you doing in the sheriff's office? Roswell is...

We're going to go... Roswell's not there. Roswell's at the bank where you've just warned him to be. Now that we know what was going on at the mining place, I say we'd grill the shit out of Cassidy. Oh, okay. They probably, they probably pass me on the way, and I'm like juggling diamonds and like shaking my butt at them. I'm done.

Taco, what are you going to go do? Yeah, right. Absolutely. Is he there? Okay. Okay. Let's finish up this thing, and then we'll do Taco. All right, you're grilling Cassidy?

Yeah. All right. You walk in and she just instinctively like, garblins! Yeah. Okay, great. Listen. Who are you? What are you doing in my home?

I want to do an intimidation check. Okay. Shut the fuck up. All right, roll. You got to roll it. You can't just say a lewd word. He should say it, though. It's good to know what kind of intimidation check.

Yeah. 15 plus 5, it's a 20. Okay. Okay. Look me in the eye, Cassidy. Here comes my papers. Put them right on me. We've been down in the quarry.

What? We've seen the traps in the lockers. We've seen the smoke that eats flash. What are you talking about? Traps in the lockers? I think you know exactly what we're talking about You're buried a cluster bomb Underneath some brush outside

The quarry, am I right? I did do that That one is on me Because you wanted to get back into the quarry To find something out, right? Hey, who are you? That doesn't matter right now, Cassidy What matters is that you tell us the truth

I'm telling you shit I don't know you from Jake From State Farm You're gonna have to come out with some way of convincing her to tell you You can't you can't just like Batman growl at her and expect the truth I have another suggestion I cast Zone of Truth

Hell yes Yeah Okay she has to roll a wisdom saving throw Scooby-o bo-dini-o bob That was actually a 14 Super effective does that Nope, not enough. Okay.

Trust me. No, you're right. I think it's, uh, uh, you're, I think eight plus your spellcasting modifier, so that won't do it. Uh, okay, I feel compelled to now tell you my story of the quarry. My quarry stories, what I call it. I don't call it that. I've never told my quarry story. Okay, go ahead.

Why would I need a catchy name for the quarry story? Okay. Just go ahead and do that, please. So, yeah, the mine went dead a few months ago. we lost the mother load. So I was part of a small team of people that were working down there, just trying to find a new vein of diamonds to try and keep refuge alive, try to save up some diamonds. So when the bubble comes down, we can all have fat stacks and retire rich.

And so I was down there with a small team with my dedicated buddies, and we were digging too deep. And we found something down there. there, down by where the edge of the bubble was, we found a, found like a nest, big nest, had this big nasty worm in it. And the nest looked like it'd been cut in half by the bubble. It looked like it'd been, somehow got cut up. And then the mom, that, that big worm, that big nasty worm, it woke up. And it killed my friends. And I managed to get out. And as I was getting out. I saw something happened to it where just kind of got stopped and kind of got stuck.

And then I hit my head on Big Rock, woke up here in jail. It's the damnedest thing. And you didn't see anyone on your way out. There wasn't anyone else in the mine. I noticed some sort of, this is going to sound stupid, but like just a shadow of a man? And I saw it. He had his hands up. And that's what, honestly, that's what spooked me. And I ran and bumped my head and ended up here in this jail. And then they said I blew up the temple. That's just crazy talk. That ain't true. That never happened.

Try again. Wait, what about the temple? They said, that's what I'm in here for. They accused me of blowing up the temple. Because I mean, that is sort of my character. I blow up shit like all the time. I'm the best there is or ever was at it. And so when something gets blowed up, like everybody turns old Cassidy.

But to me, I think that's racism. I never, I don't know what that. Okay, great, great, great. What is the deal with the temple? What is the temple? I guess it got blown up. I haven't got a chance to get out of here. Cool.

Before it got blown up, Cassidy, like, what was it? The non-blown-up version of the temple. Yeah, it was just a little, kind of, it was a small temple. It was opened up by these two bros, and it was like all about, it was to a goddamn Istis, is what they said, Istis, maybe Christmas, Isthmus, Biscuits. That was probably it. Oh, Cassidy, where would I find? Isaac off the top of you, if you had to guess, where's he hang out?

I don't know, man. I would say here, it's just like his house, I guess. No, that doesn't make sense. This is his workplace. Damn it, Cassidy. Could you work a landagosian in there somewhere? Yeah. Or a buy gum.

Oh, yeah. I don't buy gum. I rent. I'm having fun with you, Garblins. Okay, bye. Real quick before you hop over to Chaco Can I with my lens of straightkeeping see Isaac E footprints anywhere or anything

From the sheriff's office? You don't, you don't know No Okay I don't even know if that's how the lens of straight curpin works But no It's not, but you know We make up the rules, you know

There's no rules in D&D Taco are you going to Paloma? Should you a shopping town? There is, there's Helpington's. Yeah, I should just go to Paloma because nothing I buy is going to stick anyway. It's up to you, dog. Yeah, I'm going to Paloma.

Okay. Yeah, you go to Paloma's hut in the woods, and you knock on the door and you hear, Come in. I'm going to try to really nail this accent down this time because I listened to that last episode, and I was embarrassed. Just wrangle that bad boy the ground.

Is that the Bork voice? Yes, and then, so you come inside, and there's Paloma and the floating bag. Hold on. You know our name's not Bork, right? What? Is it Bajorke? It's not bork.

Oh, God. Okay. See, I just. I just agreed to what dad said without really processing what it was that he said, and what he said was the name Bjork as Bork. Yeah. You got to watch that shit, Griffin. I was almost an accomplice in that heinous act.

Well, maybe I was thinking of former Chief Justice Bork. Did you ever think of that? Bork. Okay. Bork is the only nameplate that Bork can find at, like, touristy places. Believe they're not, someone already got BJ or gay, so I have BORC. It is on a sedan lifted by four goosees. There's a plate.

This is bork. Very embarrassing. Okay, Taka, you see Paloma, and she looks you over and says, We met already, yes? We did, actually, yeah. I guess we can skip. Good to see you again. We can skip the niceties.

It seems like you're. in a hurry. Listen, skipping niceties is our speciality. What do you need? Big, small prophecy, tell me what? Let's make this a little bit easier and retcon and say that RIM gave you two diamonds, so you have 11, because I don't think it makes much sense for you to have 10 and have to pick and choose. Okay.

You know what? I'm going to treat myself to both. Which first? Let's go pig. She says, okay. And takes the diamonds. and sits you down at the table. She says, do you need a...

Would you like a treat? I just popped out the cranberry scone from the oven. It tastes so good, and it's creamy and berry. Bork, you know I'm going to eat a cranberry scorn. She slides a plate across the table to you, and it's a fucking good scone, dog. You know, what I like here, I can see here at the bottom, you've got the bake on this. Perfectly right. this is really hard to nail exactly without bringing the outside still keeping some of the interior softness.

Did you use a cold butter and cut it up or did you go room temperature? I mostly just scorn magic. Oh, okay. Well, this isn't quite the in-depth cooking conversation I was hoping to don't eat that taco. Don't eat that taco. That's a bad bake taco. No, it's a good bake. Okay, yeah, she sits you down and while you nibble away at this scone.

I'm not nibbling away. As near as I can tell, this is the first time I've eaten in two years. There is no nibbling to be done. Travis got to eat a magic stone, I think, once. And I'm all full up for the next two years. Okay, yeah, while you're devouring this scone, one of the bigger crystal teardrops on the ceiling, sort of naturally unties itself from the string,

holding it to the ceiling, and it falls and it shatters on the table and this cloud of smoke appears. And it's actually a much bigger production than the first small prophecy that you got, I guess, a couple episodes now from Paloma. And in this cloud, it looks like it's like a movie being shot in first person,

and all you see are tracks, like, almost like train tracks or something with a light cast down on them, and they're just like sort of flying towards you. And Paloma, like, looks up at this thing. And in this vision of the tracks, you see a two-way junction come up. And then the picture just kind of stops as soon as the cart hits that junction. And Paloma leans right into you, Taco, and grabs your face and squeezes your face, cheeks. your face cheeks together and gets really close and says,

turn right. She says, turn right. Okay, I turn right. She gets like really, she's nose to nose. Turn right. Okay, I turn right. Wait, and that's the big prophecy?

You don't hear any of this. Shut your mouth. And it, uh, the smoke dissipates. It's my prophecy. I earned it. I feel lying. The smoke dissipates. And she says,

sorry, I got kind of agro there. It, that happens. It, I don't really control what happens. when and as she's talking, a second big crystal unspools itself from the ceiling. What? And this one looks different from the first one. Like all the other ones here are kind of clear with like a little bit of illumination inside of them. This crystal is...

But this one has a beard. This one is like pitch black inside, save for these like strands of bright red and yellow and green that are just kind of flashing around. on the inside. And she looks up as she sees this crystal start to lower and says, oh, my God, what? And it falls and shatters on the ground. And you see, you see like two side by side visions in this black cloud that appears as it shatters on the table. The first one just looks like an ocean made out of tar with a black sky above it.

And this tar is like bubbling. And you see some stuff moving under the surface of the tar, but you can't, like, make out what it is. And that's on, like, the left picture. And the one on the right is just a gray world covered in, like, ash that is just completely barren and lifeless. And Paloma looks up over this black cloud. And she looks like completely, when she's done her other prophecies, it kind of looked like she's having, this out-of-body experience. Now it looks like she is just a baker-possessed.

And she says in this deep voice, she says, In the future, you will be offered a terrible choice between two options that will determine the fate of reality itself. In this moment of crisis, remember, there is always a third option. And then the smoke dissipates, and it's gone. and she slumps back in her chair and she looks kind of winded and I think she just kind of silently

reaches over and fishes a scone out of a little bowl and starts to nibble on it. One more time? The prophecy? Yeah, could you just do it again? I'm spaced. Yeah, I can't do it again. What are you talking about? That almost killed me. That was horrible. I can't just do it again. There was just a one crystal

and it fell and broke. Were you not paying attention? Now, I have a question for you. Interesting question. If we were to die, God forbid, And, or pan forbid, I guess, if we were to die and come back tomorrow, would that crystal be fixed? What are you talking about? Die and come back tomorrow? Yes, I guess so. I don't know.

That's, again, a kind of, that's kind of a weird hypothetical taco. It's a little bit esoteric. Hey, listen, let me get that small prophecy from you if you still got some juice in them, old bones. She says, oh, yeah, small prophecy is easy. I burp, and a small prophecy happened. She snaps her fingers, and a small crystal falls down. and shatters. And she says,

You are close to your goal, but you are missing what you need to break the barrier. She says, You will need divine intervention. You will find it at the temple of Istis. All right. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master and your onion blaster.

What does that mean, Griffin? Sometimes you just say a bunch of malarkey in the Adventure Zone commercial, text. Yeah, maybe. You want to make something of it? Don't find me now. It's my birthday. Thanks for listening to Episode 45 of the Adventure Zone. It's the fifth episode of the 11th hour saga. I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the hashtag the Zonecast. If you do that, you might end up as a character in the show. Characters like Luca, Purple MFTW on Twitter. Paloma Church of Fear on Twitter, Redmond, his name for Chris Frommlett on Twitter.

Actually, you haven't met Luca and Redmond yet, but you're kind of about to. in a second. Those are, those are all folks just named after, oh, Cassidy's named after Cassidy Sharples. All folks who tweeted about the show using the Zonecast hashtag, please tweet about the show. We really, really appreciate you getting the word out. We do not pay to advertise the Adventure Zone at all. Oh, if you can leave a review on iTunes, that would be killer too. Got a personal message here. If you want to get a personal message on the Adventure Zone, just go to Maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron. This one is for Camden, and it's from Callie, who says, oh, I'm supposed to read this as Angus. Here goes.

Happy birthday, sweet baby brother. Your sister loves you so much that she paid me. Angus, the world's greatest detective, to send you, Camden, the world's second greatest DM. Great job, Griffin. A message from the past. And she got Griffin to tell you what program he uses to make the music for the show, which is, okay, there's so many problems with this. How would Angus know who I am?

He would possess some sort of knowledge of, like, the creator behind his very existence. And I don't know that there's an in-fiction justification for that. He also wouldn't know that I use garage band to make all the music for the show, except for the theme song, which is a Mort Garson track called Deja Vu off the album Adiraxia, which I don't know that I've ever mentioned on the show before, which is heartbreaking. Mort Garson is fucking incredible. It was a pioneer for electronic music. You can look up any of his music.

The album Plantasia is fantastic and very, very important to me. Yeah, that's Mort Garson. and I make the rest of the music and garage band. You can find all my music on my SoundCloud page. It's just SoundCloud.com slash Griffin Macquarie, I think. Thank you for the sweet message, Callie and Camden, and I hope I did Angus good enough. It's been a little while.

Got a message here for my spooky daughter, Cynthia, and it's from the spooky announcer, who says, Mom and Dad are so proud of you for making it into the Spooky Academy of the Arts and Sciences. Your first term will probably have started by the time this message airs, but that's okay. Just promise me you'll be safe at the time.

those haunted house parties. Spooky XOXO, your spooky dad, and your mother. And it doesn't say the mother is spooky, but I'm just going to assume that it's like a full-blown Adam's family situation over there. That is it for the commercial break. Thank you all so, so much for sticking with us. The next episode will be up on August 11th, so I'll talk to you then.

Bye. Do you guys want to regroup? Yeah. We should regroup at the temple. Okay. Yep. It's about 1130 at this point, so the earthquake happens while you all meet up back in town. And while you meet up, I think you walk past Roswell, and Roswell's like, when are you guys supposed to go to the quarry?

You told me to wait here and you would go to the quarry. What's going on? What's with the plan? All right, listen, we've been to the quarry. There's a big bad down there. What are you talking about? I need you to find Isaac. You give me a lot of mixed.

messages right now because you told me to wait here because the bank was going to get robbed. And then you, now you're telling me to leave the bank? Yes. Get everyone out of the bank. Tell them the clothes for the day. You tell them it's a bank holiday. It's happy hug day or whatever. And go find Isaac and meet us at the temple.

It is hug day. Like, it is hug day. So I don't know. Like, we have our own sort of holidays that we made up because we've been in this bubble for a while. And so hug day is one of them. So yeah, that tracks, Roswell says. and says, okay, what should I do when I find him? Bring it back here? What do you want me to do? Bring him to the temple. Meet us at the temple in 20 minutes.

Okay, sounds good. And Roswell runs off towards, probably back towards the sheriff's office. And you make your way up to the temple. So this involves like a little climb. There's like a small ramp, almost like the ramp that you took down into the quarry that leads up to this plateau. And once you're up there, you can overlook all of refuge. And you can really see like, like how fairly small this little village is. And you can really see like the big patch of woods behind the elder's house that leads back to what looks like a small little bit of almost like an orchard that has, it looks like it has also kind of been vivisected by this bubble. And there's only sort of a small portion that remains in the town. And behind you, on the plateau is what remains a. of this temple,

which I will describe as soon as I find that part of my notes. Y'all are doing shit, like, wildly out of order at this point, and I love it, but it is very hard to keep straight. Okay, point of order, you just had an old lady tell me to come here. So, like, you're going to have to take some ownership of this. So this temple that Cassidy has been accused of destroying, of exploding, it's definitely fallen. And what is left of this temple tells a story of its former glory.

It looks like an old like California mission style church with terracotta walls that comprised a single large sanctuary space with massive double doors that overlooked the town. Magnus, you're kind of like picking out these architectural details despite the fact that like the- Look at the joists. Yeah, despite the fact that like most of this building is on the ground. Like you can see the space where this massive sanctuary was. The door frame is still standing, but like very little of the building is. You can see at the front of the temple over this teetering door frame, you can see that there's some wooden framing that would have supported this steeple that has collapsed through the side of the building. That steeple has a circular indentation that used to hold a clock face that's currently laying on the ground.

You're assuming it's a clock face. The numbers on it have almost completely worn off. The only signs of its like former function are these clock hands, which they're rusted to hell, but they look like they were at one point these beautiful, intricately woven, sharp-looking hands of the clock. And so just like every part of this temple is on the ground and just beat to hell. Merle, do you know anything about Istis? Merle about to make his first religion check. I know Istis of Panama

Cool Yeah, I'll make a religion check Look out My religion What do what do I do? You have a skill that's called religion Yeah You just roll a D20

All right, here we go 13 Plus 3 for religion 16 Um Yes, Istis, you you recognize the name. It is a fairly, it is a less trafficked goddess. She's not so, like, not a lot of people are worshipping Istis, but she is called the Lady of Fate in most circles.

And she is represented by a woman who kind of moves between these different ages. And it's sort of, in summary, sort of thought of as like the keeper of fate and time. I'm impressed with the amount of knowledge I have about this entity. Yeah. You also notice... How did I spell her name? I-S-T-U-S. You also recognize a sigil on this doorframe that, again, is like really super tarnished,

but you make it out to be the sigil of Istis. And, diddo, is it so collapsed that we can't get into it? I mean, you can walk, you can step over the wall and get into it. there's just like, there's just like not really a lot there to get into. You know what I mean? Like, you can see, like, the floorboards. Like, you can step over those and be in the building. But it's like, most of it has just completely collapsed.

Okay. Well, I'm going to do an investigation check, I guess, and see if there's anything important here. Okay. It's a 16 plus nothing. So 16. With that investigation check, like, you don't. see any signs of life. There hasn't been anybody here in this building for what looks like like a thousand years. And with that investigation check, I will also tell you, you don't see

scorch marks. You don't see nothing has been like shattered and broken. It's just kind of fallen apart. So you don't see signs of an explosion, which is weird considering Cassidy is in jail presumably because she blew up this temple. You don't see any signs of like a bomb going off or an explosion or anything. Is there anything else about the clock? Like where are the hands pointed? That is a good question. I think the hands, I mean, some innocuous time like 7.15 a.m. Don't I have something where I can call on a deity or is it just my deity? I think it's just yours. I don't think you have a cell phone. Like you can call up Istis and she'd be like, New phone, who dis?

Okay, I have an idea. Okay. I would like to step into the middle of the ruins. Okay. And I would like to close my eyes and quietly say a prayer to Istis to guide our fate. Isn't that kind of my gig? Yeah, I would say that maybe you should let the priest do that. Why don't you all do a quick group prayer?

Okay. Just hold hands. Yeah. Perfect. Just like church camp. Our God is an Istis gone Okay Oh holy Istis

Hear the plea of us Your earthbound servants As we try to keep all hell From breaking loose In this lovely town That's kind of shitty looking And please cure My friend's voice

And then So that he sounds Beamed down upon us It's a miracle Your fate Your fate changing beams of power And just love us And let us love each other

Amen God how powerful Um A Nothing happens Shit And then there is this A breeze

Um That comes through And it's a nice soothing breeze Again it's It's kind of sticky here Uh very human Um, your shorts are helping out some with that, but it's, it's just a sticky place. Uh, but a breeze comes through and it feels nice and it blows some of the, uh, uh,

uh, dust up from the floor and a, uh, a small white piece of cloth that, uh, looks like it just kind of rotted off one of the, uh, curtains that are laying on the ground, starts to, get blown around in this wind, and you see it to start to float effortlessly on this wind away from this church, and you see it blow up into the northwest a little bit towards. You can see in the distance, like it's flying towards the cave. I follow it. Just Forrest Gump style? Yep.

Do, do, do, do, do. Now that's hook. Run, Magnus, run. Okay, are you all going to the cave? Probably, yeah. Not as fast as, yeah, Magnus. Yeah, I do love Magnus chasing things. It's like one of my favorite things from this game,

and now you're just chasing a rag that is flying through the air. And I want to be clear, I'm doing it full-on, like, kid trying to catch a butterfly style. You know, like, like, I'm just arms akimbo running, so happy. Giggling, yeah. Okay, yeah, you make your way north to this cave, which is also up on the plateau, It is tucked away into like this outcropping, almost like a second plateau on top of this plateau that is fairly large and ends at the bubble.

And you go in this cave entrance and you go through a bit of tunnel. What's your method of approach? I should ask that whenever you go into a building or new situation. I think you know. Just like barreling? Yeah.

Okay. It's a thing. We have kind of established the dynamic of him barreling in, me trying to make him stop and Taco hanging back. Okay. Well, then, Magnus, I guess you're the first one to see, but all you boys see, there's like a slight curve in the entrance to this cave after you go through a short tunnel. You see lantern light kind of flashing off the walls on the inside of this cave. and you see what looks like the shadow of a guy reading a book in this lantern light, and as you come like barreling tactlessly into this cave,

you see this shadow move really quick, like look to the side, and then throw the book down, and then the lantern light goes out. Hello? There's no response. Now, don't be like that. I'm sorry I caught you reading. I won't make fun of you, I promise. He wasn't sitting on a toilet, was he?

Oh, I hate to see that. Okay. No, there's no, there's still no response. Aziz, light. What? I was, from Fifth Element. Dad, could you make some... Holy shit, dog.

There's like one person, though, who went crazy when I said that. Dad, could you make some light or tacos? I can't see. I certainly can. All I have to do is touch one object that is no larger than 10 feet in any different. mention and that object will... The human spell library, Clint McElroy. That's right. What are you touching?

I'm going to... My butt. I'm going to... I think it looked really cool. I'm going to touch the amulet around my neck. Okay. And it'll beam light forward. Yeah. Like Dr. Strange. You touch your joke omulet and it illuminates and you can see... I'm assuming you've moved a little bit further into the cave. You see this small chamber that like the cave kind of of dead ends into.

And there's some, there's a couple barrels in this chamber. There's a, a cart in this chamber with a couple boxes on it. One of the barrels has a lantern on it. And then laying on a rug, sort of, Wait, we needed the light to see the lantern? The lantern got turned off. Okay.

And in the midst of this little scene at the back wall of this little chamber, There's a rug, and there is a book laying on the rug that is actually open and face down, like it was just, like, thrown down. And with its back up against the wall, there is a skeleton. And the skeleton is wearing a sort of brown sackcloth robe. And it has, it is also wearing an omulet. And Merle, you recognize that omulet. It's also the sigil of Istis. Why do you keep saying omulet, like an omelet amulet?

I mean... Because it looked, that's what it's made out of. Yeah, it's an egg necklace. He got it at the magical store of Denny's. And this skeleton has another interesting thing about it, and that it's skull has been like painted in bright, like yellows and purples and like green segments, almost like a Diadalos Muirtos mask to help sort of

give you an idea of the aesthetic its skull has been like intricately and beautifully painted but it is just laying down with its back up

against the wall is it alive? Well it's a skeleton yeah but we're like in D&D where there's like centars and ghosts and shit so like it's a fair point

skeletons move around and sometimes you got to fight them hey Griffin is the chair alive D&D, you don't know what I'm leaving out. Oh, by the way, when you came into this cave, you heard the explosion behind you from the bank. Oh, done. What time is it?

It's getting there. I read the book. I grab the book and read it. The book is like, oh shit, let's tie it all together. The book is not some religious text. It's a Caleb Cleveland Kid Cop novel. See. It's like it's from like a it's one of the later ones which aren't as good

Because he's a teen cop And it's like what's the fucking point isn't No no I'm thinking of something else I'm gonna check out the skeleton Wait a minute Those are Angus's favorite books right? I mean they're a very very popular book series Oh my god

The skeleton is Angus No Only now do I miss him Nobody saw this coming How did he get here I'm going to check out that Skellington. Okay. Hey, where is Angus?

Didn't he come with us? No. That's what I was... No? That was the live episode that we did. That was a live episode. That was a live episode. That was a live episode.

Because we did two episodes, two nights in a row. But no, Angus is not with you. And in fact, I should point out, since you've been in this town, your stones of Fars Beach are not... You have not had any messages from anybody at the bureau on your stones. They are just completely dead silent. We knew that. That's why we hadn't checked them. We figured.

Yeah, sure. I knew. Come on, man. Wait, hold on. There's a rug in the cave? Yeah. I'm going to look under the rug. You find a trap toward it.

No, there's nothing under the rug. Fuck. Does it bite him because it's alive? Skeletons move in this game. And sometimes you have to fight him. I'm not making this up, Justin. I don't want to... Carpets can fly.

Read your Aladdin. Suck my butt. What are you doing? I'm checking out the Skellington. All right. How are you doing that? Are there any pockets in the robe? What's the deal with the amulet?

Well, as you, yeah, there's pockets in the robe. I find some receipts. Okay, you reach into the pocket, and as you do, the skeleton, you can't tell if you just, like, disrupted it and knocked it over, but it moves, and you hear like a, er. See? I have a spell to cast.

Uh-oh. I hope that skeleton's right to spill of secrets. It's called resurrection. Oh shit. I touch a dead creature that has been dead for no more than a century. Its soul is free and willing that target returns to life. Yeah, it restores life to a creature. Does this spell take like an hour to cast?

Because this seems like the kind of spell that takes like an hour to cast. Otherwise, if you can just instantly bring back any dead person to life, it may reduce the narrative of the Adventure Zone podcast event. It's seventh level. Necromante. Why are you laughing? Because you're like level eight or something. I also have.

And you're also not a necromancer. Not in any way she has. I also have. It does take one hour to cast. Fine. Okay, wait, what's the tie? No, no, no, no. Go ahead. Have your fun.

You understand why I can't allow you to like, instantly bring any dead person back to life no matter what. Even if I'm using a spell, I don't know. And don't have. And don't have and can't have. It will never have. Even though I can use a spell, I don't know, because I have Matthias, the living grimwar. Oh.

That doesn't make it not an hour. Yeah, you still, yeah. Fine. You don't have a magic owl that, you don't have a resurrection owl that can bring back any dead person from life. I have an owl that lets me use the spell. I don't know. That's fair. That's cheating. Damn it. Cheated the system again. What are you doing with this skeleton?

No, that's fine. If it's going to cut... I don't have time. Yeah. Okay, so here's the thing. Something was in this room and moved, right? And dropped the book and turned off the lamp. There's no other exit to this room. I grabbed the skeleton and shake it and say, give us your secrets. Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

See? Suck my butt. Justin. Was that in universe? Yeah. Suck my butt, Tago. Unhand me, please. Sure, no problem. Can you make it a little bonier?

Unhand me, please. That's, yeah. Nice. What do you hooligans want? You've come into my little hutch here. I was enjoying a good Cleveland tale, and he just broke the big case. And you randos rolled up on my spot.

And what is your name? That what is your name, hooligan? I'm sorry, what is your name? What is your name, hooligan? I'm Merle the hooligan. I'm Magnus the hooligan. I'm Taco. You're alive. I don't believe it. There's egg on my face. You don't know how big of it. I guess you are. You heard the whole thing.

I did. You really ding-donged this one up. Yeah, I stepped in. Good news is I'll be dead soon. What do you mean? So tell us your name. My name is Luca. Are you of the Temple Istus? I am the Chief Clarif. of the temple is this not that I mean not so much anymore but um but yeah that's me all right

so your name is Luca are you about to do a joke about the song Luca no no go let's please go ahead I live on the second floor forget it no what floor do I live on no nobody wants my input this week fine fine fine fine fine if we're literally you live in a cave underneath a pile of rocks are Are you one of the brothers? How do you know about that? I heard about it in town. Well, that's not true. It is true. Cassidy told us about it.

Oh, okay. Sorry, I was getting my prophecy confused with your... Or shit. By the way, Luca is talking, like, not moving a whole lot. Like, his mouth is moving up and down almost imperceptibly when he talks. But he says, yes, my brother and I came to this town together. What are you doing here? Why did you come looking for me? How did you find me?

We're investigating the bubble and a chalice and a big worm. I debated about this because you've talked about looking for a thing and people are like, why wasn't that static doubt? But I think if you just reference a chalice, it's not static. Lower case C. He says, you're here to stop the bubble, here to. Stop what's going on in this town? Yes. Yes, we are.

He says, Okay, I, I like where you're coming from. I would also very much like to stop what's happening in this town. You guys understand that time is like, time is sick in refuge, right? Yeah. Yeah, we've gathered. It kind of goes against everything we do in the church of Istis. We celebrate the normal passage of time, and that is anything but that is happening.

here in refuge. What do you need? How can I help you? Like any information? I was in the temple, just doing my prayers, doing my scribing and such, counting the offerings when it just, something happened and everything inside the temple aged very quickly. And luckily, I was the only person inside. and none of my

the followers of Istis were harmed but I that's how I ended up in this story state and how the temple ended up in its sorry state and I don't know what did it but I suspect it's the same thing that's causing everything to be all screwy in this town

Luca I'm gonna ask that Murrell take over questioning because he is a man of the cloth as well and I feel like he might be able to get a little further and we don't have a lot of time okay so explain what think to me, I know it's D&D and everything, but how the...

Okay, so you wanted us to save time by putting that in charge. Yeah, let him finish. How are you talking? That is an excellent question that I'm not entirely sure of myself. I assume it is only by the grace of Istis herself that I am allowed to continue to function in this goofy-ass town, but I'm not 100% sure. I'm not complaining though Although it is I haven't really

Interfaced with anybody else in town Since I've entered this sorry state It's as you can imagine pretty upsetting To see a living skeleton man Merle Ask him about his brother Hey How about them brothers

Are you at Like the idea of brothers in general I guess it's great Two boys They're your brothers Related with the same parents I love it Tell me about your brother

my, my bony friend. I only have the one, brother, and I haven't seen him. Aren't we all brothers? In Istis, sure. I haven't seen my brother Redmond in quite some time. We came to this town together to start up the temple, and he went off into, let's call it, the private sector.

and opened up his own farm here in town. That was very lucrative, but he got kind of screwed when the bubble went up, and, well, I think he harbors quite a grudge about that. So he's been trying to brute force his way out of town, and I don't know that that's the way to go. I think we should rely on the grace of Istis, but, you know, who am I to, I am not my brother's keeper?

Well, kind of. He said, I would be willing to help you out, to help you, to help you seek divine intervention from Istis herself, but I will need my brother's help in order to do so. Can you please go find him and talk to him and tell him that Luca misses him and needs his help? Yeah, probably not in this loop, but. He says, what are you talking about, this loop? And as you say that, you feel the tremors start again from outside, and you hear the bell start to chime. What are you talking about? this loop.

It's been so much fun. I've got it. I've got the solution to everything. I know the answer to every question. Hey, I know the joke you're setting up and it's not going to work because we remember on the next leaf. Oh, shit.

Yeah, I think this time the, this supersonic explosion happens outside and, uh, I think the cave just collapses on all of you and Luca, uh, and you get crushed by rocks. Ow.

That, that hurts. When you come into the white space this time, the old woman is lying on the floor. Shit. I moved to her. And you wake up. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture.

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