The Adventure Zone - Ep. 5. Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Five

Episode Date: January 15, 2015

Merle, Taako and Magnus complete their rescue mission, but then completely fail an entirely new, far more important mission. Taako acquires a powerful artifact, and doesn't seem so stoked about it. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, the door opens and exiting from it is a young orc woman who is holding the biggest crossbow any of you have ever seen. What's your name, dear? My name is Killian, lying precariously towards close to the edge of the pit. You see the one, the only Gundren rock see. Gondren. Gondren. And across from her is a drowl. a dark elf.

Who are you? I'm the Black Spider. What is your, what's your Christian name? It's Brian, darling. Don't tell me, are you here also for the... No. I shout,

Abraka, fuck you. And I cast magic missile out of. I'm going to die now. I'll drink up all the potions that you got on your shelf. So just let me enjoy. introduce myself. It's the adventure zone. So there's a big door.

Is it the only exit? The one that the... Yeah, well, I'll set up the scene. I'll start with some word magic. That's just how I like to. Wordomancy. So the three of you just finished a very intense battle with...

We're all eating a power bar and drinks from Gatorade. You're eating some Luna bars to just like get your vitamins, your minerals, essential oils, all from these wonderful Luna bars. This week's episode is sponsored by Luna bars. They're like Cliff bars, but they won't make you as constipated. So you've just finished this battle.

Killian comes out from, she was hiding behind the open giant iron rot door because she had been disarmed. She walks out and sort of surveys the scene. And you can tell she is incredibly impressed. She says, I cannot believe. you guys pulled that off. The Brian, Magic Brian is one of the most accomplished, powerful wizards I have ever met in all of my days.

I am flabbergasted, frankly, that we all did not perish. Well, you're welcome, I guess. I guess they're pretty much rad. She walks over to the edge of the pit and looks down and goes, if you'll excuse me, I need to recover something very quickly. none of you go anywhere. Hold up. All of you and Gundren. Hold up.

Before, all right, Kalyam, before you go anywhere, what is all of this about? I promise I will tell you as soon as I am literally able to. Right now, I absolutely can't. It's not that I want to. No, listen, I have a little bit of expertise with the magics. I'm assuming this is some sort of curse that's preventing a You're not even

You're super, super wrong You're like super duper wrong Let me roll to see if I'm right Okay It came up R I'm looking She reaches into her sack And pulls out a feather duster

And she says BRB and taps herself with it Sorry just to clarify Does she say B BRB. Yeah, she says, BRB. AFK, she taps herself with the feather duster and is, her silhouette is sort of surrounded by a faint gray light and she jumps into the pit. And you see her as long as you can see her before she is enveloped by the pit.

She's falling very slowly. Okay, I turn to Taco and Merle. Okay, here's the thing, fellas. There's definitely something, there's a thing that they're talking about that we can't. like mentally comprehend, right? We have to find out what's going on. There's some other level to this cave. Why do they need his blood?

What is going on? Gunnjorn stands up. He's bedraggled and he says, I might be able to elucidate you. Oh, thank goodness. What's his health condition? Bad. It's very bad.

He also smokes two packs a day. I drink MGD 64. I drink a six pack a day, and then I eat the bottles. I'm real fucked up over here. I've been eating Corning Insulation for years. But you guys have done well. Much better than, I'll be honest, much better than I thought you were.

This job has brought some unforeseen circumstances, but you guys followed through. And where's Barry, by the way? Oh, he's good. He's hanging out back at the bar. Typical Barry, right? He said he had to wait for his order of chicken wings and then he'd meet right up with us. That motherfucker loves him some chicken wings. Just, I might need your help still.

Come with me. Try asking an out-of-character question. Why does no one besides Griffin and I have character voices? It would really make this a whole lot easier. A whole lot less unlistenable. That's just what Travis sounds like Magnus. Yep. And that's...

I think you'll find that Magnus and Travis have a lot in common. Yeah, sure. Vis-a-V battle axes. and love of dogs. So Gundren leads you through these giant, uh, open iron rot doors, uh,

which opens up into a large chamber where, uh, Renee, the Jackhammer bot was being stored. Um, and through another smaller, uh, more normal set of doors and into a,

uh, very short tunnel that opens up into, uh, another, uh, room that is, is the defining feature, I would say, of which is on the far wall a large, round metal door. And this one looks a little bit more complicated than the one that you just passed through.

This one has some gears peeking through sort of the metal casing of the door. It looks like a pretty sophisticated contraption. And I want all of you to make perception checks. Wait. 12. Natural 18 plus 3. 21. 19.

Okay. Taco, in the corner of this room, you actually see a figure that is sort of huddled down. And as you approach it, you can kind of get a better appraisal of what this figure is. It is a skeleton that is sort of. sitting comfortably. It looks like it was positioned comfortably in the corner of this room, just sitting with its back up against a wall. It is draped in a bright crimson robe and holding what looks to be some sort of cane

with a, you know, curled end in one hand that is a bit obscured by its robe. It's a bit tucked into its robe. But it's just sitting there. But whoever this was, they have been. dead for a very long time. And Gundry kind of just looks at that figure and walks over to the door and starts looking at it, looking inside the machinery. Griffey?

Do we need to roll to see how comfortably he's sitting? He looks like he was chill. It looked like maybe he just sort of sat here and was kicking it and just sort of wasted away. Are there any clothes or anything besides just the bones there? Is there any like that's what's weird? it's just the robe. Any clothes that this person had on is gone. It's just the robe and the cane that it's holding. Okay, I want to check out the robe. I'll search the robe for any clues or anything. You look over the robe, it just seems to be a plain, a plain robe. You can't

really figure out how it survived when the rest of this person's clothing sort of eroded away, but there's nothing tucked away in the pockets. Where's the skeleton looking? The skeleton is actually looking towards the entrance that you guys walked in through. Can I check out the cane? You can? Sure. What do you check?

What are you doing? I haven't told him about this guy yet. That's a good point. Justin Taco is the only one who's sort of seen this figure. Dad, there's a guy over here with a cane. Is your father here? He's your dad? Okay.

Excuse me, whichever one you are, the dwarf. There's a cane here to look at. Oh, I'll check it out. No, that won't do. No, the mouth words that you just made there can't be a sound. How come you can have a voice right here? I have to sit next to you. I literally sit next to you.

I can't. Blah, blah, blah. I can't handle that, literally. I'll go check out the cage. It's getting worse. I are Tom's of Maine. I don't need that voice. Nothing.

None of it all. While Laverne and Shirley argue in the corner, I'm gonna check out the cane. He's gonna check out the cane. I, can I, Griffin, this is a weird question, so I will ask it to you. Is there, are there like, is there any way to know if there's like the robes worth taking with me? Like if there's stats or something? Stats on it?

Yeah, I mean, when you surveyed it, you sort of figured out that it's just kind of a robe. Okay. Is there any kind of like sense, magic or something that wizards can do? There's an arcana check. There's a spell. I have a detect magic spell, but I don't really want to do it. You also. I think I would have got in a vibe.

You also have an arcana check that you can make. Oh, I'll make an arcana check. Why not? It just seems to me that there's something about this staff and robe that why is everything else rotting away, but it's remained. Arcane. Oh, my. Probably pretty good. I got a one.

So I don't know if it's, I try to eat it. I can't. Since I'm looking at, can I do an arcana check? Yeah, sure, screw it. I got it too. What's your pluses? None of you can quite figure this out. Wait, I'm going to roll now. Hold on.

You're going to make a fucking arcana check. I got an 11. Okay, it's magical, the cane. I'm going to take the cane. Wait, hold on. Just because it's magic doesn't mean it's good magic. All right, wait a minute. I know what you're going to say, but I'm going to do it anyway.

I'm going to cast detect magic. Okay. Would that not identify the magic? Use your action. I already told you it's a magic. You learn it school of magic, if any. You cast Detect Magic on the cane, and your mind starts to sort of swirl. You get, like, dizzy and faint, because Detect Magic is a pretty basic spell that you've used quite a few times, but you've never really gotten a response from it like this, because the response you got was everything.

it's it's all all schools of magic it's all of the magic that there is seems to be uh somehow embedded in this cane cool cool all right so what did you what did you what did you what did you what kind of vibe did you get from it well i'll tell you pilgrim i'm dying i'm literally dead rest in peace you were the one who wanted character voices i take it all back um taco didn't justin did I'm kind of mind-blown right now. It's kind of hard for me to concentrate. I think I ought to wrap this in something and carry it instead of holding on. Oh, wrap it in the robe.

That's a good idea. Oh, let's wrap it in the robe. Wrap it in the robe. All right. I'll wrap it in the robe. I'll wrap it in the robe. And pretty a bit along. You feel a sort of jolt go through your body.

Like the soft drink? No. And I want you to actually enter into an intellect contest with the cane. So you're going to roll a D20 and add your intellect modifier. All right. Hold on one second. Oh, Jesus, good luck. 19.

I also rolled a 19. Wait, wait, he's got an intelligence modifier, right? Yeah. Zero. Zero. The cane has a plus two. So the cane actually beat you out. you are flung backwards by a wave of force

and you just sort of thunk into the far wall of the room and you're going to take one D4 damage from that. Oh, golly. That's two damage that you take. So it almost feels like the cane has rejected you. Let me give it a whirl. I'll try the exact same thing that he just did. Okay, I want to paint a picture for what just happened.

So Merle grabs it, gets flung across the room and takes damage. And Taco goes, my turn just reaches for it. I live like I'm dying. Let's try it. Let's do this. You're fine. Walk it off.

Okay, you have a much better chance this time. I would also like to picture that the whole time this happening, Magnus is just looking at the door as a door flies across the room behind him. What did you get? 12. Okay, I only got a six. So you have bested this cane. And suddenly, it's almost like the goddamn quickening happens in this room.

There are bolts of lightning shooting out of Taco as he pulls this cane from the grip of the skeleton. And as you remove it from where it sort of had it enveloped in its robe, as you pull it out, you realize that it wasn't actually the end of a cane. It was the handle of an umbrella. and you pull this umbrella from the skeleton's grasp, the skeleton actually looks up at you, almost like it's acknowledging your presence. And as you finally rest it from its grasp, the skeleton and the bright crimson robe

both disintegrate into ashes. So now I have an umbrella. I'm in a lot of pain over here. You're a cleric, right? Oh, yeah. Walk it off. You realize that Gondren is sort of looking at Taco Agape, like, what the shit? What the shit was all that lightning stuff about?

And the magic umbrella. You guys are crazy. Oh, hey, nice umbrella. I look at Gunger and I say, handle it. That's how I do. Okay, so Gondren says, Gondren puts his hand on the door. and very slowly the gears of the door start turning. And while those gears are turning, he looks at you and says,

you guys deserve some answers. Yeah. Please. And some money. Well, maybe. Yeah. Yes. Okay.

My father. Wait, hold one second. I have a thing called Zone of Truth. Okay. Sure you do. In the Zone of Truth, it's a 15th. foot radius. I gotta tell you, this,

I think it's important we get the truth. No, I think that's a great play. Go for it. Okay. All right, I have to. You say, you say, hold on one second, Gundren, excuse me for a second.

Ah, shoo, Zone of Truth. Try to hide it under your breath. All right. So what is that? Did you say Zon of Truth? I did. Shit. I meant to lie.

Ah. He's got to make a charisma saving throw. Okay. He's probably not especially charismatic. We'll say he has a plus zero. What does he have to beat? Hold on. Probably a 13, right?

You rolled a 4 plus 0 is 4. So he's telling the truth now? Okay. Okay. Whoa. Did you guys feel that? Feel what? Nope.

Well, you would have to tell the truth. No, only he's feeling it. Is it targeted or is it everybody in the zone? Are we all telling the truth? Everybody in a 15-foot radius? Oh, damn it. Did you just cast some sort of magic spell on me? Yes.

Okay. That's weird. I don't really caught into that, but... Well, I'm pissed off because you're the one that sent us on this mission to get our asses kicked. Because you just admitted you didn't think we could do it. You've got every right. Listen, we've got to get through this fucking episode. I stole a bunch of gold.

I stole a bunch of gold. He did. I wasn't supposed to see him, but I saw it. Is this compulsive truth, or is it just like when we speak? I opened my mouth to lie about gold. I was just going to remark about how we hadn't found any gold this whole time and how we're really upset about it, but I'm sorry, I found a bunch of gold in here. Gunnran gives up.

I'm having a really great time, and I think we're becoming closer as friends. Gunnren looks over Magnus. He's like, that's very sweet. Your boots look weirdly familiar. Where did you get those? They were giving to me as a gift. Shut up, Taco. He stole your magic boots, too.

Nope. Oh, those were Thardons' magic boots, I think. We stole Tharden's magic boots. He's dead. I hated that guy keep him. Yeah, I know. I'm not crazy about that. Anyway, exposition time.

My father, Cyrus Rock Seeker, was the... My uncle. Your uncle, yes, was in charge of security for Wave Echo Cave. and when the orc marauders came to destroy Fandolin and seek out the wave Echo Cave and take it over, he managed to very heroically lock away all of the magical items, magical weapons, equipment, trinkets, everything, away in the mine's personal vault, which is here behind me. Unfortunately, in order to do so, he also had to lock himself in. So he sadly sacrificed himself.

You know, for a zone of truth, you're using a lot of adverbs. How do you know it's sadly? That's the truth. That's objective. I was a bit sad about it. Fine. Some would say sadly. He sacrificed himself to lock away all of the treasures of this fault.

So he goes all Scrooge McDuck. How long ago? This was about a decade ago. Damn, those orc barotters. Yeah, there's no way that I'm going to open this door and have a happy family reunion. But fortunately... I lean over to Taco. Can you eat gold to stay alive?

No answer to that? Just too, too dumb, too dumb to answer. Too dumb. I was worried that if I answered, he might respond. And that would prolong the conversation. Even for a second. The door makes a few definitive clunks. And Gungerun says, fortunately, this door is...

is attuned to rock seeker blood. So I can open it up and we can have ourselves a field day with the treasures and weapons and everything within. I just want to point out to him that a few minutes ago, pee works too, as we found out at the spring. He could pee on the door if he wanted to. Yeah, so if you need to pee. I'm totally cool.

Thanks for asking, though. Kind of a weird question, kind of a weird request. I'm regretting letting you guys into this. with every passing second, but anyway, here we go. Not too much honesty. The door rolls open, revealing a very small passageway that unlike the rest of this cave is actually kind of dark. You remember the rock walls of the rest of this cave are sort of illuminated.

They sort of have a natural, magical glow about them. But for some reason, whatever's at the end of this cave, this passageway is pitch black. And he says, well, here we go. And starts to walk on through. Okay, some kind of light source in the tunnel may be a good idea. Is that your voice? That's my Magnus voice. I just, I think, I think, I'm making a DM decision, trademark DM decision right now,

that Taco is the only one that gets a voice. Okay, fine. Wait a minute. Nope, it's decided. All right, I'm going to cast light. It's a can trip. Okay. It gives a 20-foot radius around us.

brightly and then another 20 feet dimly. And just because I can, I make it a pale lavender. How nice. It's nice. I could choose the color. That's really, really romantic. Okay, so the four of you walk down this passageway, and as you step foot into the vault's main chamber, you notice a lot of very strange things very quickly.

the first of which is as you step foot into the chamber, the sound from the ground underneath is not the sort of soft crunch that you've sort of come to expect from the cave and mine floor. It's like a plink. Like, hold on, I've got a glass here, so. Like that. And you look down and realize that you are, in fact, walking on black glass, almost like obsidian.

And as you look around, you realize that that is actually the composition of this entire chamber. It is a large, I would say about 60 feet in diameter, almost dome-shaped room that is completely made out of obsidian, it looks like, or black glass. And Gondren looks up and says, something's not right and starts to walk in towards the center of the chamber. and as you move towards him you see a single figure that is dwarven in shape, but it's so badly burned, burned all the way through almost like charcoal, with one hand sticking up in the air, with on its hand a silvery glove, a silvery gauntlet. Okay. I high-five him. Okay, you reach over and high-five the silvery gauntlet. Say bro and dwarvish.

And how do you, and what is that? Say bro in dwarvish. I'm asking you to bust that out for me. Okay. Bushka. I think that's actually Russian. Or Klingon. Or Klingon.

For big wolf. Orb. Okay. Okay. Okay. Orb. So you high-five this, this silvery gauntlet. And,

And a spout of flame actually comes out of the gauntlet and burns your hand. And you actually take two damage. Okay. Fire damage. Good going, dipshit. Sounds about right. Gundrin starts to look over this dwarven figure and says, Sorry, just to clarify, is the figure like moving alive?

No, it's dead as fuck. Super dead. Super burned up. Okay. He looks at and goes, that's my pops. That's my dad. Do you know anything about the glove he's wearing? It seems like some sort of magical artifact, but everything in this,

this room is supposed to be filled with magic weapons and impossible armaments that, I don't understand what's going on. He's getting very, very, very angry. I can't notice. And that was almost a voice. Calm down. I'm allowed to you voices. It's just just not you guys

Except for Taco Because he's found it You know what I mean Once you've found your voice You can bring it to the table But this is not workshop time Do I see anything else in the room? No

Do you need a perception check Is there another exit? Is there just the one door? Just the one door, it's a vault So it would only have the one very secure door That you already passed through But no This lone

Krusty, crumbly figure wearing the gauntlet is, and the very sort of epicenter of this room is the only thing here. Okay. Don't high-five it. Got it. I want to get the umbrella near the glove and see if there's any kind of reaction or if I get any sort of magical vibe of a connection between the two. Okay. Yeah, you whip out the umbrella and you point it at the glove.

and there doesn't seem to be any kind of response between... Try flipping it open a couple of times. You hear from behind you a voice go, what did I tell you? See, I know who that is. You turn around and it's Killian, and she looks very disappointed in all four of you. Killing says, I told you guys to stay put.

I don't understand why you keep being so difficult. I don't understand why any of you are here. We got bored. You left for, it was like four hours, it felt like. It was like, literally minutes. It was a minute and a half. We got bored. It was 90 whole seconds.

You guys couldn't stand still for 90 whole seconds. I don't know why do you do the stuff you do. Yeah. Like try to kill us. Yeah, we didn't think it would be a good podcast. I know what you're thinking. She, um, goodbye fourth wall. She surveys the room and sees the gauntlet in the middle and pulls out her crossbone and says, everybody, very slowly, none of you have high-fived that thing, have you?

No, no. Oh, God, no. Are we still in the circle of truth? No, you're... Are we still within 15 feet of where we were? No, no, no, that was in the other room. She says, everybody step up. That is, that's what I came here looking for.

it is indescribably dangerous. Everybody step away from the enchanted gauntlet, please. They have to be a complete idiot to high-five it. Did we get a verdict on high-fiving it? Definitely a thumbs down. It didn't seem to work out so great for Magnus. Well, maybe it's supposed to be a low five. Huh?

I've solved it. Gundren is standing very close to the gauntlet, and he looks at Killian. and says, are you guys here with this filthy orc? Whoa. Hey. Hey. Cheezing with the racism, Gundro.

We're all just one brotherhood of man. And Killian's an orchist. Killian says, uh, did you just call me filthy, dude? Hey, everybody. Um, we're going to take just two steps back real quick. Gunnjorn. And Kieran says, this gauntlet, everything in this fault is my birthright. There's no way I'm giving this thing up to you.

And Killion says, don't test me. Don't test me. Had a real long day. I got all webbed up in the other room. Hated that. Gosh, Griffin doesn't even need us anymore. Yeah, we're just standing up to the side doing like the tennis match, look back and forth. Like, how's this going to play out?

Gondren says, boys, you've served me very well. I have one last job for you. I need you to take her out. And Killian says, hold up. Not so sure about that decision. Doesn't seem like a good one. Hold, stop. Everybody stop.

Gundren, do you know why this room is empty and there's a gauntlet on like a dude's hand? I don't know why this is the only thing in this room. But I know that it's mine. Killian, do you know why that is? I have a pretty good goddamn idea. Yeah. Okay, so Gundran, how about we chill the fuck out and we find out what's going on? Killing, are you able to talk to us freely at this point?

I can't. I can talk to you as much as you. Here, do you what? Here, this might answer your question. That thing is called the kshshsh, shh. Mm-hmm. So, so, yes. It's called the Maraca sound.

So. I'm not, I'm not great with subtlety or calm. It's not called the Maraca sound. I can't tell you what it is. Gundren, step off. You are done. You're done. We're done here.

and Gundren says, or better idea, and he reaches over very quickly, snatches it up and puts it on his right hand. Okay, this goes well. And the, his dad crumbles over and he says, oh man, I feel really bad about

and he is engulfed in flame. I regret this immediately. But very quickly the flame subside and he's not dead. He's fine. He's not all burned up. He's, I wouldn't say he's fine.

His hair is standing on end, almost. Like, are he serious? A little bit Yahoo. Yeah, I mean, that is his hairstyle. Okay. Gungrin, how do you feel? I feel powerful. Pretty.

I feel so pretty and witty. And Killing says, well, shit, and shoots her crossbow at Gundren. But he puts his hand out, the hand with the gauntlet, and the projectile burns up before it can reach him. Um, Killion says, everyone get away from the fiery dwarf now. Um, so we have to choose. I charge the dwarf. Uh, okay.

Merle, you charge the dwarf, um, and as he sees you coming. You mean, Magnus? Oh, sorry. It's like the choice has been made. Magnus, you charge the dwarf, um, but just as he sort of stopped that projectile, he puts his hand out and knocks you back with a fiery wave of force. Um, and you, how much damage? You take, uh, uh, uh, five damage, actually.

Okay. Holy crap. Uh, you go sliding across the glass floor and he says, I'm done with this. He says, it's a payback time. Um, and he, quick, quick as a cricket. What's the thing? What's a fun idiot for things that move quickly? Bunny.

A quick, quick as a child's wish. He, um, uh, flies out of the chamber through the door you came in. and it just sort of surrounded, almost like he himself has turned into a dwarven fireball. He goes flying out of the room. And Killian says, that went about as shitty as it possibly could have gone. Grape job, you three.

And Angus sits up and says, I almost had him. She says, we need to get him and we need to find him. and we need to stop him before he destroys the whole world. Okay. Y'all down? Super clear. Sure. Well, okay.

I'm not going to lie. This is super above your pay grade. Hey, Killian, I'm detecting that that glove was magical. Yeah. Again, very, very studious. You are a very powerful wizard to pick up. Oh, well, thank you. Oh, she's invoked.

By the way, I have sarcasm. I haven't told you guys this. I made a character choice. Oh, what's that? Taco's an idiot. Like, he's a wizard. He is dumb as hell. So when he saw that glove, once he flew out in a big fireball,

that is when it clicked in his head that might be magical. So he's very learned, but a little bit not quick on the uptake. Is it possible that maybe he was destined to be a different class? Like maybe he was more suited for like the barbarian. lifestyle. He was so stupid that he went into the wrong area at Hogwarts and he was just like, just magic. The sorting hat was like you should be like a lumberjack or something. And you're like, no, I want a magic. And so that's where you are. Yeah, exactly. Where were we at? Glad we have that backstory now. Save the world. Right.

Hey, everyone. This is your dungeon master. Griffin McElroy with a really quick mid-episode break. Not a lot to talk about this week, not a whole lot of new announcements, but just wanted to give some information about the show, because otherwise it would be weird if Merle was like, check out our Tumblr. That's my impression of my own dad, I guess. I've never really done it before, so that was live. I announced this last week, but if you haven't checked it out yet, we have a website, theadventure.com. I've seen a few people say on Twitter it doesn't load, that's because you put in Adventure.com. And we were not fortunate enough to grab that prestigious you are It's theadventure.zone.

It's going to take you to our Tumblr where we have a bunch of really cool fan art, a couple of character sheets, some info about the game and the show that we do. Hopefully when we get a little bit more free time, we'll be able to keep that more consistently updated. But right now that's sort of your source

for when we publish new episodes and info about the game itself. We are on Twitter at The Zonecast. If you want to tweet about the show, use the hashtag the Zonecast, not TazCast. We've abandoned that hashtag because it sucks. We've also got a Facebook fan page.

It's just The Adventure Zone. You can find it on Facebook, the way that you find fan pages, which I guess is you search for them. But we've had a few people post some pretty great stuff in there. So if you're looking for even more ways to socialize with us digitally, there's one for you right there. I've also had a few people this past week tweet at us asking why we didn't do an episode last week. I probably haven't been super clear about this, but we are doing episodes twice a month every other Thursday. That means that by the time you're hearing this, the next episode that's going to go up, is January 29th.

So yeah, we skip a week. And we've also had a few people ask if the show could become a weekly thing. Honestly, right now, no. Just because it takes a shocking amount of time to prep this for me to, you know, be the DM and put the story and everything together. It takes a while. And then we record for a super long time. And editing all that down, it takes a long time.

Also, there's four of us. So, you know, scheduling more play sessions is kind of tricky for us right now. So right now it's going to stay every two weeks, and if that looks like it's going to change, you will be the first to know. I want to say a huge thanks to Glenn Weldon on Pop Culture Happy Hour, the great NPR podcast, for recommending the Adventure Zone on the latest episode.

We really appreciate it, and we've had a lot of people say that they found the show through that. If you're one of those people, thank you. Thanks for tuning in. And if you're not one of those people, thank you. Thanks for tuning in. We have had a really, really, really great start. I'm kind of flabbergasted at how well,

well the show's doing, how many people are tuning in. We could still use your help if you want to kick in, you know, an iTunes review or, you know, just a recommendation to a friend or tweeting about the show. I don't think we did any Twitter names this week, but next week's episode, I think we have one. And then the episode after that, we're going to have a ton because it's, it is exposition time, y'all. But thank you all very much for tweeting about and recommending the show if you want to keep doing that.

We super, super duper appreciate it. One last thing. If you do want to donate to the show, become a maximum fun subscriber and support our community of podcasts, which includes things like my brother, my brother, me, Sawbones, and Bunker Buddies, three other shows that myself, Justin and Travis, all do. Well, some of us do, some of them. It's complicated. But we are all on that network, and so are like more than a dozen truly fantastic shows like Jordan Jesse Goh. Oh, no, Ross and Carrie, the Goose Down, a lot of really terrific shows on the network. I love being. a part of it. We've been a part of it for years now. And it is just a great home and an amazing source of free entertainment. If you want to become a supporter, you can go to maximum fund.org forward slash donate. And you can find all kinds of details about how you can help us make a little bit of money off this thing. Anyway, that's enough for me.

We're going to get back to the adventure. I know I said last week that this was going to be the last episode in this particular story arc, but actually we have one more just because the session went very long. So next week's episode is going to be the last one in this first story arc that we have titled, Here There'd be Gerblins. And then the two weeks after that, we're on a something new. Well, same characters and everything. Same campaign. Just the next chapter, because that's how we're organizing it. Anyway, that's enough. Back to the story, back to the full crew. Thank you all for listening and enjoy. The four of you, Killian and you three, backtrack through Wave Echo

cave pretty effortlessly. There are no extra bonus jellies for you to spar with. You make your way out and it's pretty easy to track Gondren's movements through the cave because he has left a charred path behind. He has gone super-sayan. He's basically gone super-sayan. Only firier, I guess. More Bernie. Like weekend at Bernies? Kind of. You all make it out of Wave Echo Cave and... To find him congoing on the beach because music is playing. Yeah.

Andrew McCarthy... Andrew McCarthy? What is that dog's name? Yep. And the single guy. And... Steve Guttenberg. You all managed to follow the path out of Wave Echo Cave.

That was not a Steve Gutenberg film. That was Guttenberg. That was Guten free. Oh, man, my joints really lock up when I see a Steve Gutenberg movie. It's really painful. So you make it out of the cave, and his fiery war path extends beyond the cave. You manage, with Killian's help, because the three of you are dullards, that can't, like, follow a path of blazing fire. Now, hold on.

Hold on. I don't want to make this character choice for everyone. That's Taco's character. That's Taco's character. Magnus, you're actually the smartest one of the bunch, which seems like that. All your class choices. I don't want to make that character choice either. If only you guys could sort of rotate classes one to the right, I think you all would probably

be a lot better off. But you follow the fiery path. And after a few miles... Would you call it a swath of destruction? A swath of burn... I mean, all that is destroyed is like some planes. Okay. So there are planes?

There are planes. You're trekking. back, and after a few miles, you realize that this path that he, this trail he is literally blazing is heading back towards Fandolin. I knew it. He's going for Barry Blue Jeans, you guys.

You think he's going to kill Barry? He has to assassinate Barry Blue Jeans. No, I think he's going to go form up, like Barry's his buddy. He's going to go pick up his teammate. Killian says this is bad. We can't let him get, if he gets to Fandolin, it's going to be pretty horrible. We got to stop him before he gets there.

The four of you are in the cart, by the way, that you borrowed from Barry Blue Chains that you rode to Wave Echo Caves. So you're making pretty good time. You're not exactly sure the speed comparison between magic fireballs and wagons. Fireball dwarf and a wagon, but you think you're making pretty good time. Why doesn't Killian just use her magic feather duster to make us all lighter so then it moves faster? It doesn't work like that. she says. Stop.

Stop thinking you know how magic things work. You've proven pretty enapped at it. Can we high-five the cart to make it go faster? You can try, yes. If that's, she's just exasperated. Yeah, oh yeah, that'll do it. Oh, yes, you're saving the day, Magnus. Keep high-fiving the cart, I guess.

Keep high-fiving the... I'm doing it as far as I can. Good. This is not a joke. I can't sleep on Magnus. I just can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

All right. It instantly works. It's four, five, nine, ten, fourteen. Nope. How many hit points do you have? 17. Oh, there's right. I forgot. There's one more. Eight. Okay, 25.

Okay, yeah. Sleepy time. Magnus is asleep. So, yeah, you are successful in putting Magnus. to sleep. You take him out to a farm and he runs in play. You're asleep. You're asleep. You're asleep.

You're asleep. But Travis isn't asleep. Jesse. I can't sleep on track. Oh, God. It's getting real. It's getting real. The four of you in the wagon are getting fairly close to Fandlin and you, you, uh,

Magnus wakes up, puts his shoes back on. No, this is actually fairly soon after the sleep spell was cast. So, um, you still sleep. Sleep lasts for how long? Until I wake him up. I don't think that's exactly. I think it only works. It puts him into a magical slumber there.

It doesn't define it. For one minute. What? Really? Yeah. Oh, oh God. Killing him is like a sleep that lasts a long time. The four of you in this wagon crest of hill,

um, you're, you're about, uh, four or five miles outside of Fandlin at this point. And as you do, you actually see one of the most harrowing signs of destruction that Gondren has wrought. Everything else has been, you know, he's burned down some trees while blazing a path towards Fandolin. But here, as you look down, you actually see a convoy of wagons that have been completely destroyed, completely burned out.

They were like Conestoga wagons, so just sort of the framing of the wagons remains. There are a few cinders actually still burning in some of the wood of these wagons. They're completely destroyed. And you see laid out next to them a few charred bodies that you make out to actually be orcish. So you think that Gundren has sort of exacted some level of vengeance on orcs,

he is just not a big fan of. He's an orchist. He really is. He really is a big orchist. You realize that when someone is a racist, you don't call them like blank-aist for each person they hate, right? He's still just racist.

When did you wake up? Okay. The spell only lasts for a minute, but like, Magnus actually got very comfortable. So now... Can we see Thundron? Gundron? Gundron.

No, because the path has, has blazed past this this wagon. He did, he has not made it to town yet. He did, he did, you can't tell. You can't really see Fandling yet. He did his business here and then he managed to keep moving on. You actually see that not everybody in this scene is dead. You see four human figures who are sort of picking over the remains and they have their

own wagon with them. They're sort of scavenging through this, this burned out convoy. And actually, it's an, it's an open wagon that they have, and you can see in the back of it a cage with a adolescent orc boy in it. And he's locked up and he's just sitting there. Yeah, you're too far away. You're about 80 feet away from the scene, so you can't really hear anything, but you you get the impression that these are scavengers who are taking whatever valuables they can from this scene.

And apparently kidnappers. And Killian sees this and says, oh, Jesus. She's like, I know we're in a hurry. It's up to you guys. It's your call. What's our call? Whether we stop on help or not. Is there anything to fight?

Actually, I think what he's wondering is there anything for him to secretly steal when nobody's looking. No. Okay, Magnus rushes over. that we should change the name of the podcast to Magnus. Magnus rushes in is now the name of the... Listen, I'm playing my character the way you're supposed to. I value action over thought. I rush in to help the boy in the cage.

Okay. You rush in and... Are there still fires burning anywhere? No, they're very minor fires. You don't need to do any... Okay. You don't need to, you know, get out the extinguisher or anything. Okay.

You rush in and you see these four scavengers. they are dressed in pretty raggedy clothes, but they have, you know, swords, daggers, some weapons on them. And one of them turns away from the cart and sees Magnus rushing towards them and says, oh, hey, some guys, yo, hey, slow your roll. Slow your roll, partner.

We're just picking the bones of this scene. We didn't do any of this, we promise. We're just trying to four honest, you know, fools trying to make a buck, buck in this hard cold world. Certainly y'all three can sympathize with that. I respect your motivations. We don't have a lot of time for this.

Give me the boy and we'll be on our way. What are you going to do with the org boy, huh? You're going to train him up to be your ward? He's not some pet dog that you can adopt. I know how bad you won't want him. Then why do you have him in a cage? For selling. What do you think happens to him after you sell him?

That's not my problem. I get the money for a telling a boy. Listen, I'm gonna give you to three. We really got a lot to do. He says, I'm not, I'm gonna say some cool shit now. He says, me and my posse are gonna give you to two. We'll give you to one. Well, how about this?

Zero motherfuckers. And they all draw their weapons. Cool. I cast phomatergy. You gotta roll for initiative. Oh, yeah, it's got him to that point. That you just, the screen just, just. sort of got like all pixelated and you heard the do and that's how you know that like a you've just entered into a random account.

Do we think that from Magnus taking his nap, that was a short rest to regain hit points? Yeah, you guys were all on a pretty long ride. So we'll say that counted as a short rest. It was a very restful ride. So you guys can roll hit die to... Except for the fact that we were following the trail of a flaming door if it was all real chill. I rolled a 17 initiative. I did as well. Who has the higher, what are your modifiers? Mine is plus two.

Mine's minus one. Okay, so Travis goes first. What did Travis have? You guys have the same score, but in the case of a tie, whoever has the highest modifier goes first. Juice, what did you get? 15. Okay.

That was in character. He just said 15 and no one knew why. Roll to see if they're unnerved. They're shiny numbers. Get out of here. Gurf, when you have four opponents like this, Do they each get their own initiative role, or do they just sort of act collaboratively? I roll an initiative role for each discrete type of enemy you're fighting.

Okay. So if you were fighting some bandits and a bear and a bug bear, but there were like 14 bug bears, I would only roll one bug bear roll. But right now we're fighting the equivalent of dumpster divers, right? These are actually ruffians, bandits. Oh. Yeah. These people aren't too.

worried about their carbon footprint as much as they are, you know, plundering, pillaging. First in the order is actually Killian. And Killian says, let's keep this... Wait, what a Taco roll? Taco roll to 15. 15? I shouted it out loud. Killian got a natural 20.

She goes, hey, guys, let's try and make this quick. And then she whips out her crossbow and fires a projectile. This is the first time that you've really seen. her giant mega crossbow in action, where it hasn't been sort of stymied by a flaming magic dwarf. And it fires the bolt the size of a short spear at the lead ruffian that was trying to intimidate you with his countdown. She rolls a 12 plus 6, is 18, which beats their armor class.

And it does. Oh, God. 14 points of damage. He, the bolt hits him and it actually sends him flying back about 10 feet. It is a very powerful blow. And he lands prone, but still alive. Next in the order is Travis. Okay, wait.

Hold on, wait. I wrote a T. Yeah, that stands for, that's badness. Okay, I'm going to two-handed. battle axe at whichever one's closest to me. There are two sort of close to the wagon where the thing is locked up, which is also where the orc boy is locked up. That's about 20 feet away where the now injured ruffin just landed.

There's another one that sort of had that guy's back, who's probably the closest. He's about 10 feet out from you. Great. I step up to him, two-handed battle axe. Oh, wait. Got to roll the right dice. Uh, 24. Oh, yeah, God.

And it does 1T10 plus 4. Uh, 13 points of damage. Holy shit. Yeah. As you approach him, he's like, bring it on, tough guy. And then you hit him and he's like, don't. Bata long, dumb, don't, don't, don't, don't. Hold up. Oh, hold up.

Oh, dang. Oh, dang. Oh, dang. Is this Jesco White? Oh, dang. He's alive, but dang. Next in the order is Merle. You got two severely wounded ruffians

and the two by the cart that are still full health. Okay. I am going to cast thomiturgy. It's a cantrip, which allows my voice to boom up to three times as loud as normal for a minute. And I'm going to yell. There's only four of them.

Platoon one attack from the east. Platoon two attack from the west. Which echoes down the hill. The two full health... I'm going to say you're making an intimidation check. Why don't you actually roll that? And I'll give you advantage since you made your voice very loud and believable. Okay.

Let me check. And these guys are going to make... We'll say an intelligence check against it. They have minus one intelligence, so that should go fairly poorly. Yep. You said an intelligence check? They're making an intelligence check to combat your intimidation. Oh, okay.

Because you're lying to them, essentially. Nine? Okay. What would be his modifier on an intimidation check? Intimidation is one of his skills. Plus three. So 12. They only got a four, so that is sufficient.

The two roughy and the same. by the cart, look at each other. They look at the boss who's lying on the ground with a spear-sized bolt in his stomach and say, what do we do? He's like, I don't know. I guess, I guess go check it out. And so the two ruffians split off to the east and west and start running in either direction looking for these reinforcements to come.

Guys, did you hear that? Did you hear from the hills? There's an army supporting us. I think we're going to win this thing. Yeah, Taco, definitely. Dear sweet Taco. Next in the order is Taco himself, the man the myth of legend. I thought I don't even have to do anything.

Roll to chill. Chill tracker. No, I'll go ahead and I'll get my little magic missile. To which one? You got two injured ones and the other two have runoffed. Or they're Splitsville. I'll do two bolts for one of the injured and one bolt for the other one. Really badly injured one.

And that's a D. It's a D4 plus one. You only roll it once and that's the result that you use for all of them. Four. Four damage? Yeah, you don't even need two bolts on either of those two dudes. you they were they had three and two health respectively so they're they are both nixed stevie nixed these two are um congratulations you saw my bandit puzzle

all right we pop up in the cage say hobb of the cart check their car real quick any good shit um good now we own a boy no man can own another man justin we freed a boy who's chosen to join us rather than stay out in the woods by himself he's an orkling are you Are you, so you're freeing the boy? You're freeing the orc boy? Yes. Yes. Okay.

You find some keys on one of those two dead bandits and you pop open the cage. And the orcish boy doesn't seem especially grateful. He sort of barely even acknowledges your presence. So he's a teenager? Yeah. He's moody. He's listening to his nirvana tapes. And he just sort of starts to walk away.

He just walks away. So he's an emork. Okay, bye. That was pretty good. Killian is like, you know, I'm grateful little, well, wait, that's my gungering voice. I'm getting groggy already. She says, wow, what an ingrate. What a jerk.

God, kids these days. Ork kids these days, I tell you. Did you know him? Are you kidding? Now who's the orcest? Yeah. Oh, do you know, do you know Stephen? He's an orc too.

He's orc too. Hey, I know an orc named Stephen. Do you know him? That's what you sound like right now, Taco. We don't have time for this. I don't know is Stephen. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture.

Artist owned. Listener supported. Oh, hey there, everybody. I'm Guy Branham and welcome to Pop Rocket, a new weekly show picking over the pop culture we all love to love. With me to talk TV, film, music, and anything else entertaining, our journalist Margaret Wobler, academic writer and DJ Oliver Wang,

digital strategist, Winner Mitchell, and comedians, and Tina Mewha. It's an intellectual and incredibly snark-filled discussion about pop culture by five cranky Hollywood 30-somethings. No name-calling, no rudeness, just straight talk and a lot of roleplay. I'm only 30-something for another year. Me too.

And I don't tell anybody I'm 30-something. Poprocket comes out every week from maximum fun.org.