The Adventure Zone - Ep. 50. Lunar Interlude IV: The Calm Before The Storm

Episode Date: October 6, 2016

Our heroes have some well-earned free time between missions, although some of their sidequests are a bit more relaxing than others. Enjoy it while it lasts, fellas. Taako has a date with death. Merle spends time with some VIPs. Magnus takes a swim. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, you see a strikingly handsome, a dark-haired man is wearing a fancy suit that is covered by a long black flowing cowled robe. Oh, it's death. I'm Cravitz. Chaw. Lenny? Still not good. Still not a good goof, but...

It's not a good woman. It's like he's in the room with me. You've added quite a bit to your death count, haven't you? That one's on me. He was in a loveless marriage. Oh, interesting. Yeah, all right. We were beach dwarves.

We lived on the beach. We had a, you would call it a cottage. But to us, it was home. Magnus, you pop it open and unfurl it. You can see what's on it. But when you try to draw conclusions based on what you see, when you try to understand what it is you're seeing, your mind turns to static.

This figure in this red robe is you. I bet you goobers didn't see that one coming. What other tasty twist and turns await you in? The adventure's home. So, Taco, that night in your dormitory that we kind of ended the last episode with, you had a nice long discussion with Kravitz, who, for those of you who maybe are skipping ahead or don't remember because it's been like seven months since Kravitz was on the show, is a bounty hunter for the Raven Queen, who's the goddess of, like, the natural passage of

life and death. So you had this conversation with Kravitz in your dormitory for a good long time, and he seemed much less aggressive than he did when you sort of encountered him in Lucas's lab, where he, you know, was mostly trying to kill you. He sort of sat patiently while you explained the events of your time in refuge. But, so you're having this conversation with them kind of explaining what happened in refuge. And he sort of explained like you're kind of, you guys are in trouble, obviously, because you've added to your death count, which he's not a fan of. But everybody in refuge also died, like, a lot during those loops and that somebody has to answer for that. But your discussion was cut short when Kravitz was summoned to hunt.

another bounty for the Raven Queen. But before leaving, he attuned your stone of far speech to his own and told you that he would reach out again to continue your conversation about what should happen to you all and to everybody in refuge. But you, Taco, decide to take the initiative in setting up the next meeting with Kravitz, and you're kind of hoping to sway him to your way of thinking to sort of save you guys and everybody in refuge from getting sort of your come-upant. So my question to you is, what do you do with cravets?

What sort of hang sesh do you set up with cravets when you contact him? See, I don't seem too eager. Right, that's important. Fishing is probably out. Does taco fish? Yeah, taco fishes. I mean, it's not, I don't, I didn't. I didn't know that.

Well, you haven't really been this past any bodies of water. That's true. I'm not sure we've ever encountered a body of water. Water doesn't exist in this universe. So, um... Oh, did you hear what just opened on the, um, the, the, the satellite on the station? No.

It's so fun. It is a wine and pottery place. These are getting really hot right now. So there's one in the Bureau of Balance HQ. There's a wine in the Bureau Balance HQ. Okay. It's just sort of a way to like stress relief for everybody. So you go there, you unpop a bottle of Vino, and you just make a sculpture.

Okay, so you've invited, you call Kravitz up on the Stone of Farce Beach and invite him to a wine and pottery class on the, in the Bureau of Balin. What's this place called? This one? Yeah, this place, this specific place. This one that they opened Yeah Chug and squeeze Chug and squeeze

The chug and squeeze? The chug and squeeze Is this a franchise of a larger Okay Yeah it's a franchise of a lot of these Because you chug the wine And you squeeze the pottery So what they call it is the chug and squeeze

All right so a sort of A pretty unsophisticated name for what I would say is a pretty sophisticated business. But okay. Well, they have to differentiate. This is the rowdy one. So you book... This isn't the one that like caters to like your, your pseudo-intellectuals and your...

Absolutely. Yeah, this is like the fun one. You book two seats at a class, an evening class at the chug and squeeze. During today, it's all cabernet and vases. It's their cabin vase class. It's very, very popular. And actually, it's really hard to get seats. but you manage to get two seats together at the chug and squeeze for the cabin vase

and you get there early sort of to prep your station. So there's some finger foods being handed out and Cravitz doesn't show up for a little bit. You're actually worried that he's blowing you off. But eventually he does come into the room and hang up his dark cloak and sit down sort of uncomfortable next to you, sort of unsure why you brought him here. Also, as you look around, you realize that it's like everybody else here is in couples. Carrie and Killian are actually here taking a class together, and like everybody here is like more or less on a date. Did you say discomfort or super comfort?

For Cravitz, Cravitz seems a little like, Cravitz thought maybe you would go to a place where you could have a quiet conversation about this, but instead has been dropped into this place. and he says, well, Taco, this is a pretty unconventional place to have an argument about sort of the fate of a whole sort of small community, but I do like wine. So I'm sorry, do you mind if I drop the accent? It's like, it's really, really hard to keep it up. And when I'm not on the job, it just feels weird doing it. Is that okay? Yeah, of course. As long as I could drop my accent too.

He says, so why are we here, Taco? Why can't we just go back to the dorm and finish our conversation? Well, ironically, because I thought it would get weird. But that is, I don't know why I thought this would be a better option. Also, you're like very dangerous, so I didn't want to necessarily leave myself in private with you necessarily. I'm not going to attack you, Taco. That's, that's, I don't, here's the thing. I don't actually have a contract out on, on you or Merle or Magnus or anybody in refuge.

I'm just trying to make sense of it because, like, I've never, I've been hunting for a good long time. And I've never known anyone who has sort of bent the laws as much as you have. So I'm, like, I'm just trying to understand what makes you guys so special. Hmm Look at what I'm sculpting here What are you sculpting? The The, it's a bowl

Okay Well I do want to A big burly sort of instructor Comes by and says, hey It's vase day It's cabin vase, no bowls Let me reshape it As soon as he turns away

I fucking turn it back into a bowl Because that's my feeling making Today That's where my muse I don't fucking chain my muse out. Cravitt's chuckles, he's like, I like your renegade spirit there. Well, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

Look at this bowl, right? He's looking at it. Okay, so you see how it kind of curves up on each side, and in the middle, there's like a whole big flat part, right? That's where most people fall into. A lot of people are in this area, right here. And really, people like you who are charged, was sort of keeping the status quo.

Those are the people that you need to worry about, the people in the middle of the bowl. Me, the other guy. This is a very confusing analogy. It's not confusing at all. Okay. The people who are straight up, who are down the middle, who are sort of regular Joe pastas, they're always going to be here on the flat part. And as long as you keep them under control and as long as you keep the herd thin there,

it'll be fine. There's always going to be edge cases, is what I'm saying. There's always going to be people on the fringe that don't necessarily adhere to whatever rules you set out for yourself. That's everywhere in the universe, in every plane. I mean, you explained to me last time we talked sort of what you all are doing here, and it sounds very, it sounds important, but the fact that I visited you as much as I have means this line of work is just preposterously dangerous. So why are you doing this? Taco. Why aren't you doing a safer career? Because I'm worried no one else will have me. Wow, that was a very honest answer. I'm a bit shocked. Well, I mean, that's the truth.

If I can't be honest at the chug and squeeze that I, frankly, my man, I don't know where I can. What else am I going to do? As far as anybody else knows, my career is a chef is over. somebody wants an adventure who's got as little experiences I have going in. I can't tell it you, I can't put into this on my resume. It'll look like scribbles. So that's out. I don't have a lot of job prospects on that front. So here I am. I can certainly understand that. I was, I was given a pretty, pretty difficult choice when I was faced with being a, the career of being a bounty hunter for the goddess of death. I didn't grow up wanting to be that, of course. Who does? know. I wanted to be a, I wanted to be a conductor. But unfortunately, you know, just life finds a way or death, I guess, the goddess of death. In this case specifically, yeah, death. Yeah. I appreciate you being so, uh, so open and honest with me, Taco. I feel like I kind of, I feel like I understand where you're coming from. How much more dying do you think is going to happen just so I know how to, um, sort of pitch your case to the Raven Queen?

Well, Dag, now we've reached something of an impasse, huh? How much more? Us dying or, like, other regular dying? Just like any dying at all. What's the game plan there? I mean, there's going to be some. The thing in refuge was definitely an outlier. I don't plan to die that many times again.

So that was probably, here's what I'm going to say. and I put my hand on his hand to help him shape the vase he's been working on. It's very, very cold his hand is. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, howdy. That is a clammy one. Listen, if we can overlook that unpleasantness, I think you're going to find a very acceptable level of death in the days and weeks ahead. That's what I'm going to say to you. A very normal sort of corporeal, just usual amount of death. Okay. I think I can close the case on this one.

The people of refuge will be safe. Obviously, you all will, there will be certain exceptions made where they need to be made for the three of you. The Raven Queen is actually good, good buds with Lady Istis, so I understand you're now in her retinue. So I think I think I can close my investigation here. I guess let's just enjoy the rest of the class. Hell yeah. Let's open up another bottle and see where the evening takes us. Yeah, you have a couple bottles and you make a...

How does your... His vase turns out pretty well. About a five out of ten. How's yours here? It's fucking perfect. Okay. There's never been a better vase than this. It's fucking tasteful and rad.

Okay. You fire it and you all get to keep your vases at the end of the day. And while you're walking out, you're a bit drunk, bit, just a little bit faded. And you're walking back and it's nighttime. You're walking across the big grassy quad of the HQ. And Kravitz turns and he asks, Taco, I want to know. Yeah. Was this call for business or pleasure?

Yeah, I mean, a little bit of both. I for sure didn't want to be dragged to hell or whatever it is you do stored in the ghost house or with Casper in the lot. Don't want to do that in the mirror, if I remember. I am not interested in that. But also, I love your style, not crazy about the sort of cold claminess of the skin. But like, yeah, you know, it's been a while out here. he uh he like steps backward with a start and extends his arm and his scythe appears in his arm and

a black cloak just kind of unfurls itself over his head and sort of surrounding his whole body and all of a sudden his his super handsome face is now a skull uh and he starts looking around desperately. And he says, there's something here. There's something here, Taco. I feel it, too. It was, no, not this. There's something here. It was in the Miller's Lab, too. I could feel it. It's, it's dead and it's powerful, and it's extremely close. Are you harboring a dark spirit, Taco? Do you have suspicions that you might be some sort of vessel? And he's kind of eyeing you over with the scythe in his hand. Maybe, I mean, it's been like a few years. Was that a thing for a while, I eat old dead dudes with my umbrella. Is that a possibility, maybe? I don't, no, I don't think

it's that. He starts looking around and Kravitz turns his back to you and starts to sort of walk toward the middle of the quad, still kind of looking around for whatever this powerful dead thing is. And Taco, you actually feel the umbra staff in your hand start to raise itself up. up. It's not controlling you. It's controlling itself as it sort of raises itself up and then your arm is outstretched holding the umbra staff and it is pointed at Kravitz's back. What do you do? It looks like it's like charging up a spell. I point it skyward. Okay. You point the, you sort of wrestle with the umbrella for a second and you point it skyward and you shoot a scorching ray into the sky.

And it doesn't hit anybody, but it like launches a flare up into the sky. And Kravitz turns immediately back towards you. And he says, what was that? The Umbra's trying to kill you, man. It's not me. What? The Umbra staff, check it out. I used to think Umbro, but it's actually Umbra.

It acted on its own. I don't understand. That's not. Can I see it? Okay. you hand it over and he he looks it over and he says uh this isn't like a this isn't like a cursed item maybe your umbrella's cursed and maybe you should get that checked out this is a this is a this is a this is a an undead being this is like a litch or something big and powerful and it's

you're not a litch are you taco not to my knowledge not a litch no i mean you're not i would know if you were okay well i've had a lovely evening but this this this i got a arcane tricksters I mean, you can just lay all your stuff out if you want, but I don't think it's definitely not the salt shaker. He says, uh, he says, no, you don't have the gum is not a lich. I tell you what, he, I've had a lovely evening, but I need to go, um, I need to go think about it. While you're sort of unspooling, like, just like, unpacking all your magic items and laying him out on the ground, you realize he's, uh, torn, uh, another little rift in, space and time to travel back to the astral plane and he steps through and he says um taco it's i've had a very i've had a lovely evening do you think i'll be hearing from you again

anytime soon uh yeah i mean as long as i don't you know die again well even so we have we have we have ways of dealing with that he says well yeah that's pretty much the best excuse i ever have so i think you'll definitely be seeing me again for sure He chuckles and says, well, if that's the case, then hopefully not too soon. Goodbye, Taco. Adios. And the rift closes. So, Merle, you are on an away mission for this lunar interlude.

And it's something that you've done pretty frequently between the main story missions and deployments and scheduled bureau of balance events. and these little away missions are something that you handle with the utmost secrecy. And it's on one of these outings that you find yourself in Neverwinter, specifically in the Sea of Gardens in Neverwinter's Blue Lake District. And it's your favorite place in the city. It's just this beautiful piece of landscaping, masterfully designed. Neverwinter is known as the city of skilled hands, and that shows here, because this sea of gardens is just like a horticultural masterpiece.

Is the Blue Lake District and anything like the Red Light District? No, it's actually the exact opposite. Okay, cool. It's a good way of thinking about it, though. Cool. So you're making your way through this area, which is essentially just this big, beautiful public park. You get the impression that someone is following you. Go ahead and make a perception.

check. All right. Four. Oh, you have advantage because you have I do have advantage. Yeah, you have those glasses. Okay.

Oh, 15. Okay. With that perception check, as you were walking through this park, you turn around really quickly and you see a feathered cap duck behind a tree just like a moment too late

to keep you from seeing it. And it is the feathered hat of this person who has been following you. Merle says, okay I see ya come on out from out behind the tree

Angus MacDonald boy detective walks out and he has his hands up and he says I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I knew you're going out

on secret missions and I just got so panicked about it and I tried to talk to you about it but I got too nervous so I thought I'd just do some detective work and I'm really sorry I take the adamantium spanner and I walk over and I raise it up

While you're doing that, walking over with the adamantium spanner, you are tackled by a little dwarven boy with dark wild hair and several prominent missing teeth and a face full of of light freckles. And it's just a little dwarven boy. He's wearing a beanie. And on that beanie is a little cartoon illustration of a hamburger. And this little boy runs up and tackles you right as you're very. about to clover Angus.

And he says, What'd you get me? What'd you get me? And he's accompanied by a dwarven girl who looks a few years older than him. And she's got straight red hair and glasses that almost mirror your own. And she's wearing clean linen robes with a book bag slung over her shoulder. And she says, God, how many times do you have to tell you? don't tackle him every time you see him.

And Angus says, sorry, sir, who, who's this? Who are these people? Okay. Look, kid,

Angus, whatever. You've got to promise me, give me your word of honor that you won't say anything to anybody back at the old base about this, or the adamantium spanner is going to go. Splatsky.

He promises. He crosses his heart. Okay, sir, who, what is this big secret you've been keeping? Angus, I want you to meet my kids. This is Mavis. She does a little curtsey and says,

Hi, it's nice to meet you. Who's your new friend, Pops? This is a child detective. I think he, I don't know, I think he looks for missing children or something. That's not actually true. Well, whatever the hell, it doesn't matter. You're never going to see him again, maybe, so don't worry about it. This is the last you'll see of this guy.

And this is, this is my little fireball. This is mooky. Mookie Mookie doesn't even address Angus at all. Angus has taken off his feathered cap, by the way, and it's being very polite

now to your children. Mookiee just says, What did you get me? What did you get me? Well? He's like pinning you down on the ground. Demand it. Oh, I know.

There you go. Rass, gristle, rassel, rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel. Okay. Here you go, Fireball. I got you this delicious root beer barrel It's dirty It's real dirty

Is it okay to eat steel? Yeah Listen, let Daddy tell you That's called roughage And you eat the root beer barrel And it makes you regular He throws the root beer barrel On his mouth

And just is loving it Loving it And Mavis says Mookiee that's really gross Okay, okay You're sure that's okay For him to eat? Oh yeah honey, don't worry about it

Would daddy give one of you kids something bad? Mavis walks over and starts talking to Angus and says, he didn't tell you about us, did he? Okay, so I'm Mavis. I'm Merle's daughter by marriage. My mom is Hecuba Rough Ridge. Formerly Miss Hecuba High Church during their shortly lived marital union.

And that's Mookie. That's Merle's boy with Hecuba and my dear half-brother. Angus is just like slack-jawed at all this, by the way. Angus does not know how to respond. And Mavis walks over to you and sort of picks Mookiee up and dust him off and says like, okay, so tell us about your adventures then. Out with it. What have you been up to? Well, just a bunch of stuff.

I died a bunch of times. You what? Yeah, it was really weird. There were these worms. Did you go to heaven? No, not much chance of that, Fireball. No, not much chance of that. Everything worked out, and we were actually heroes.

This is one of the few times where we didn't kill a bunch of people and blow a bunch of towns up. So it was kind of a blue ribbon day for the trace horny voice. I mean, your daddy and his associates. Daddy and his coworkers. What did you call yourselves before? Nothing. No, no. It's like another language.

It's a Fandelion. So, yeah, don't worry about that. Oh, oh, by the way. way, Mavis, I brought you a little something too. I don't want you to think. It's not a gross root beer barrel, is it? No, no, no, no. Okay. Because I'm allergic to

dirt. I know we haven't really, you know, I haven't been a very good correspondent, and I know I haven't spent a lot of time with you kids, you know, growing up. So, you know, you're getting to the age now. You're what, 150? I'm,

no, like 12. Yeah, but in dwarf years, that's like Like 12 years, yeah, 12 of them. So I want to give you this so daddy can stay in better touch with you. And I give her the stone of far speech. Okay. You give her another stone of far speech. Yeah.

I assume not true. Okay. Yeah. You give her a stone of far speech. She says, oh, man, I've actually been one of the, all the other kids in my class have a stone and, like, mom won't let me have one yet. So I'll just keep this one secret, I guess. I still have to, you know, okay, any apps that you put on your stone of far speech.

You know, there is a data limit, but, you know, I just, I think you're of the age now where you could, you know, use some sage advice. And while you won't get that for me, at least maybe I can tell you somebody to talk to. Mookiee spits out his Rubeer barrel, which he's been sucking intently on. And he says, does mine have apps too? Come on get apps. It has appetizing flavor. Good enough. And he pops it back in.

Good boy. So you have a nice day in the park with Angus and your children, Mewis and Mookie. Do you have any questions for them? Yeah. So, I kind of pull Mavis off to the side. Yeah. Mookie starts trying to wrestle with Angus, who is like, who's definitely never wrestled before.

Oh, he'll kill him. Oh, yeah, Mookie's just like, yeah, destroying. Mookie, go easy. Okay, Daddy. He's a big weenie. So Mavis, honey, you know, not that I care, but how's, how's your mom? Oh, yeah, I mean, she's doing really well.

Her Pearl Farm has been really, really productive this year, actually. She's got really the biggest beachside property of the whole Coral Heart Clan. So, yeah, she's doing well. She started dating again, like, and I thought it was going to be weird, but. Wait, wait, wait, did she, she's dating again? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, no, she's been doing that for a while now. But yeah, she's seeing a nice dwarf, you know him, glimeth.

He was one of the, you know him. He's been part of the Coral Heart clan for decades now. Maybe, yeah, but, you know, Daddy meets a lot of people, honey, and I'm not sure if I remember. She's dating again, no shit. Yeah, I mean, no kidding, no kidding. Wow. Mookie runs up to you and interrupts your guys' conversation and says, Daddy, how much longer you think you're going to be adventuring for?

I'm getting bored on the beach hanging out. Well, you know, Fireball, that Daddy really, you know, had kind of thought that, well, you know, when he gets done with this bunch, maybe you would want to go into the adventuring business with him. You know, it would be, you know, high church and son and daughter, or high church and daughter and son. Simultaneously, Mukie says, That sounds like fun!

And Mavis says, that sounds like fun. Davis says, that sounds extremely dangerous. Oh, honey, you got Dadski here to take care of you. You don't have to worry about any of that. I, you know, I don't like to brag, but in my little group, I'm the go-to guy for any action, any fighting, any combat, any spell casting, I'm kind of the guy. Angus is standing next to you now when you say that and just gives like a big fake shit-eating grin and gives a thumbs up and nods to, like, agree with what you've been saying. And I glare at him and put my hand on the antimantium spanner. Okay.

So you all have like a nice day in the park and it's getting late now. And you are, the four of you crossed the bridge out of the Blue Lake District to head to the docks to get your kids back on the boat to the home beach of the Coral Heart clan. And it's gotten fairly late. The docks have more or less cleared out at this point with most of the sailors having receded to the seetier parts of Neverwinter for the evening. And Muky has run really, really far ahead and is sort of investigating the display window of a port suites shop that has been closed for a few hours now. And Mavis shrugs and runs up to kind of console him because Mookie is very upset that this store is not open and in business. So they're way far ahead of you and finish crossing the bridge. You and Angus are sort of further back.

And Angus says, sir, I know it's none of my business, but I'm curious why you haven't. told anybody about your kids. Angus, I was a really crappy dad, and I was an even crappier husband. And, you know, one of my

biggest shames is that, you know, I kind of left them in the lurch. And I've been, now that I've come into a little bit of dough, I have kind of, you know, been trying to rebuild my relationship. with the kids and uh you know i'd you know i don't want everybody to think i was a complete and total shithead oh i'm sure poop head oh you can swear in front of me oh shit thank god um so you know i didn't

want them to know what a turd i was but i really you know pan has really helped me turn my life around he says i'm a new man i'm a new man in pan he says uh i'm you know just watching you all all all day It's just, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I think you're, I think you're going to be a good dad from here on out. Make me like you, you little turd bottle. Look, thank you. I appreciate it, but I still don't want anybody to know about this, okay? He says, okay, it'll be our secret.

Yeah, and you know what? I trust you because I think you know that if you say, yes, you'll beat me, you'll beat me to death. Yes, I got you. I got you. I'll murder you. About 80 yards or so. ahead of you. You hear on the far end of the bridge, you hear a commotion. And you see coming down the

staircase from the shopping district of Neverwinter and barreling down towards the docks is a huge wagon that is loaded with crates of trade goods that has come loose from its hitch up in the trading quarters and is barreling down this this long stair. case towards the dockyard. And Mavis is too busy trying to wrangle Mookie away from the candy store to notice this wagon that is flying directly at them. And they're so far away from you and Angus,

too far away for you to do anything except sort of run towards them and watch what happens next. And what happens next is pretty incredible. because right when the wagon is about to fall on your kids, it changes directions suddenly and violently. And it pitches just 90 degrees to the right instantly, sending the whole wagon and all of its contents crashing through the front wall of this candy shop, sending the jars of sweets inside just scattering to the floor and just destroying the front facade of this shop. And Angus is sprinting towards your kids. But you look around just for a moment.

And to the left of this scene of destruction, several yards away, you see obscured by a pile of shipping crates and downed sails, you see the red-robed figure that you've encountered half a dozen times now. And his arm is outstretched and crackling with energy. And he lowers his arm and he turns to face you and nods and then disappears. So, Magnus, after... Yes, Griffin? Wait, let me get... Yes, Griffin? After the events of the last episode,

you are having kind of a rough time because there are things that you saw on that scroll and there are things that you know, but there are things that you can't think, and there are things that you can't understand, and that divide is just like, it's just killing you, man. Is it like Fugge State?

You know what I mean? No, it's more like what you saw on the scroll. You saw yourself wearing a red robe, right? So you have that information. You saw, you see yourself wearing a red robe, but there's a, like, a next logical thought that would come from that observation. But when you try to think it, your mind just turns to static. So you saw it, but you can't understand it, but you know it, but you, like, can't, like, figure it out. And it's, it's just tearing you apart and keeping you up at night.

Is it safe to assume that it's the same kind of static as is usually associated with stuff that the void fish has blanked out? Yeah, that's the only thing you can think is that it's a familiar sensation of when information was sort of kept from you before you were inoculated by the voidfish. But that's not how the inoculation works, right? Like after drinking the voidfish is icker, it shouldn't be able to suppress anything from you. So you decide during one of your mini-sum. sleepless nights after your discovery to head to the voidfish's chambers to get sort of a direct answer from it. Well, as direct as you can from the foy fish. Sure. It's really late. It's like 3 a.m. There's just a small amount of a small outfit of guards guarding the hallway into the

Voidfish's chamber, and they allow you to pass through undisturbed. I think you probably have like a certain amount of like hero hero worship well also swagger but like I think these guards also know your name and know what you've done at this point and like just think think the world of you so they let you pass through no no problem and you enter the voidfish's chamber

and you realize that Johan's already retired to bed this is the first time you've been in the chamber alone with the void fish um ever and the void fish is not asleep and in fact as soon as you walk into the room and it twirls and fans out its tendrils in its tank as you enter the room and approach it. And it immediately sings a refrain of its little song. What do you do? I put my hand on the glass?

It immediately puts a tindril up on its side of the glass where your hand is. Hey, buddy. It sort of, it twirls around again and sings another refrain of its song. And then it takes one of its tendrils, and it kind of, like, motions upward, like, pointing at the top of the tank. And then with another tindrel kind of, like, motions, like, beckons you towards it. Okay. In for a penny, in for a pound kind of thing, you know? Yeah.

I came to talk to the voidfish. I'm going to talk to the voidfish. Okay. So it's motioning, like, upwards. What do you... Is there any kind of, like, stairs? There ain't kind of like... There's a ladder.

There's a ladder leading up to the top of the tank. Okay, I climb the ladder. Do I need to do like an acrobatics athletic check? No, it's just a ladder. You make your way up it. And the tank has a top. I roll the 19. Oh, shit.

Yeah, you climb it super cool and good. You do it one hand. No legs. One hand. Totally sick. And at the top of the ladder, you're on the heavy metal sort of lid to this tank. And there's a hatch with a long handle on it. And it pops open easily.

And below you is just the tank. and the liquid that the void fish is suspended in. And it's sort of backed away from the side of the tank that the hatch is on, sort of giving you room to hop on in. Yep. Well, you know, I said that thing about the penny in the pound. I get in. I get in.

Okay. You take a deep breath and are you going in like full, like all with all your stuff? Or what do you do? No, no, I'm in my fantasy underpants. Okay, you strip down to your fantasy underpants. What are there? Are they fantasy meundies? Oh, yeah.

Okay, so they're stylish and comfortable made of a modal fabric that wicks away moisture. Yeah, and there, can I just say? They look great. Oh, of course they look great. Anyway, you strip down and hop into the tank. The water is, like, surprisingly warm. It's not like... I do want to paint it.

I do want to say, like, it's just occurred to me that if, anybody walked into these chambers right now, I would probably either like never live it down or get in the most trouble. Like this thing that I'm doing, I almost guaranteed there are probably rules against like, please don't get in the void fish's like pool. Yeah, people, I mean, people have to drink this stuff, right? Like at the very least, you are hopping into the beverage center of people of like the inoculation station.

So you think about that, but you lower yourself into the water. And you're actually like, you're able to open your eyes in here and it doesn't like sting or anything like that. Everything is pretty cool. And you lower yourself down to be like on the level with the void fish. And a single, it outstretches sort of a single tendril and it starts to reach towards you with this tendril. Okay. Do you, are you cool with that? Can I tell you something, Griffin?

Yeah. I try with Macro would not be. but I think Magnus is totally down. Okay. I got all these damn questions. It reaches out and taps you on the forehead, and as soon as it does, your vision kind of goes dark.

And Magnus is dead. And Magnus dies, and that's it. Thanks for listening, everybody. Now it's on to the next... No. You actually are shown a memory, and it's not your memory. you are seeing a memory and you know that you are seeing it from the perspective of the voidfish

and you're in a dark place filled with twinkling crystal and that are just sort of casting these dancing lights on the wall and it's the wall of a cave you're inside a cave but it feels because you're feeling what the void fish is feeling in this memory it feels like home and you know that because there's other voidfish here too. And they are of varying sizes with sort of, you know how the voidfish has like a spiral galaxy of lights inside of it? There are other voidfish with like different patterns of lights rotating inside of their gelatinous bodies and you feel like safe in this place.

But you know that the other void fish have been communicating stories of a coming storm that will doom this home. that will doom this safe place. And so the Voidfish work to build up their defensives and shut the world out. And because they're sort of isolating themselves from this coming storm, they don't really have any interest

in entertaining these visitors that arrive who are groundwalkers and they're clad in these brilliant red robes and then suddenly the vision goes to static. and it pulls away from you in shock. Okay, I grab a quick gulp of air. You swim out to the top of the tank and get another breath and then swim back down. And the voidfish seems like kind of scared.

It seems like kind of worried. But after a moment, it reaches out a tendril and touches you on the forehead again, and you're pulled into another vision, and you are, the void fish again and you are with a one of these red robes and you are you are sprinting towards a great silver ship like a great silver boat that is starting to lift upwards out of the water where it's docked and then suddenly the vision goes to static and the voidfish kind of retreats again um scared that it can't show you this this vision Do you have any question for the void fish? I realize, like, the voidfish is, like, revealing these things to you, but, like, does Magnus have any questions he wants the voidfish to try to answer?

I'm going to try something. Magnus thinks, can you hear me? The voidfish spins around and sings out its song. Okay. Why me? I feel like we're connected in some way. Why? Hmm. Okay. The Void Fish thinks about it. And then it touches you on the forehead again with one of those tendrils.

And it tries to show you that exact same scene of the, of it being taken toward a big silver ship this time in this memory, which again, you can only see a few seconds of before it sort of. statics out, you see the sky is just pitch black. There is nothing happening in the sky. And you also see something horrifying. It looks like there are these big black pillars of tar, sort of just falling out of the sky and smashing into the world that you're on. And you also realize that you're sprinting towards this ship, and then the vision goes to static again. And it pulls back away from you. Is this the past? Is this happening? Is this the future? What am I looking at? It doesn't know how to answer that.

Let's, okay, let's simplify. Flash once for yes, twice for no. Okay, it flashes once for yes. Is that a vision of the past? It flashes once for yes. Is that a vision of my past? It doesn't know how to answer that. Is it a vision of your past? It flashes once for yes.

Were you separated from your family? It flashes once for yes. It, it, by the way, you probably need another breath. And when you come back down from taking this breath, it, it, it's, sort of spins around like it's excited, like it has an idea. And then it reaches out and touches you, uh, on the forehead and you see, you, you, you see what looks like, um, you see what looks like a galaxy. You see this big scene, but it like really quickly, it statics out. And then it tries it again, but this time the galaxy like this, this vision looks like,

it looks more rudimentary. Like it looks like a like a 3D animation or something like that, but that's static's out. And it keeps trying this and trying this. But every time it does, like the vision becomes more and more and more abstract. And finally, it shows you a vision that you can see all of without any static that has been abstracted down to the point of looking like it's like a child's drawing.

And it's all just like crayons and abstract. shapes and these shapes seem to tell a story that you can see all of without being interrupted by the static. So you see 12 circles of all different colors and they are arranged in a larger circle and they're rotating in perfect harmony with each other. And they continue this orbit for a few seconds and then you see a bright white circle of light that sort of flies in and lands in the middle of their dance. And for a moment, these 12 multicolored circles rotate a bit faster with more complex rhythms spiraling inward and outward in this beautiful choreography, all with that white light at the center of it. And during that movement, that frenzied movement, another shape appears

and it's a huge black circle that slowly encompasses everything you see. And it grows larger with each circle that's consumed. And then it's just that big black circle all menacing and stationary. But then the white light shoots out of its mass, out of its side, and flies away. And then the black circle moves slowly in pursuit. And then you see the same cycle again of the spinning circles and the light appearing and then the big black circle coming to devour all of it. And it plays about four or five times before you have to swim up to get a breath of air. Okay, I have at least three questions. Okay.

Question one, and this is for Griffin, the DM. Yeah. Or no, I'll ask the fish. Yeah, please. Does this have anything to do with the planes that Lucas was working with? It doesn't know how to answer that question. Are you a prisoner? It flashes twice for no.

Would you like to be? free. It sings its song. It sings a refrain of its song. And then it looks like it's tired. It looks like it's actually extremely exhausted. I just have one more question.

It looks up at you one last time. Should I trust the director? It doesn't answer you. It doesn't know how. You climb out of the tank sort of leaving this thing to recover. And as you start to walk out of the room and dress back up, you start to walk out of the room and the void fish slams against the wall of its tank.

And it's kind of scary. And it sings one more refrain of its song, and it sounds like, it sounds like panicked. It sounds like it wants something from you desperately as it's singing. and it motions towards a small desk in the back of the room with one of its tendrils. Are you hungry? It blinks twice for now. And it's pointing, pointing, pointing, pointing towards the desk. Okay, I check out the desk.

Okay, it's just a small desk that Johan has set up in the back of the room that sure enough he does have a bunch of compositions on. And there's one that is almost like, on a comically small scroll that Johann has titled The Void Fish's Lament. Magnus plays an instrument, right? Like, that's something I vaguely remember from character creation.

Yeah, he definitely does. He loves music and dance. That's right. Okay. Can I assume... I don't think you're like a master, you know, lutzman or anything like that or else it certainly would have come up in your story.

But I remember when we were doing character development that he has some sort of... Yeah, he's... He's got some musical abilities. So you see this sheet music for the Void Fish's Lament. And it's not an especially difficult song to play because it's just seven notes, all arranged on a staff in two different phrases. And so you see this sheet music, and you kind of play it out in your head,

and it echoes the tune that you've heard the Voidfish sing. Only it's been a while since you've played any music. And so you read the sheet music. like you used to when you were first learning music by reading it letter by letter instead of reading it as as you know tablature on a on a sheet of music and so you read the composition like that letter by letter and when you read it like that the notes read E, G, G, and then arrest, and then B, A, B, E. Baby.

You had a baby? You have an egg. As soon as you have that realization, as soon as you say that out loud, in a room you're not in, and in a room you've never been, something reacts to you saying what you just said in the voidfish's chamber and a quick bright light flashes and a small quiet alarm bell rings. Hey everybody, this is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your sleepy time boy. It is so late while I'm recording this. Thanks for listening to episode 50, the big 50 of the Adventure Zone. Another Lunar Interlude episode before we move on to a very important arc in our

campaign. Thanks for sticking with us. And I'm excited. to get started with the new thing, and I hope you are too. I have a few things to say here in this commercial block of the TV show. Oh, man, it's not a TV show. It's a podcast. You do a TV show for three weeks, and you think you're fucking George Lopez or something. I have a Jumbotron message here for Jen, and it's from Brian who says, Thank you for being my adventuring partner for the past 10 years.

Here's to 10 more years of dungeon crawls and excitement. I wonder if that I've... There's so many different possibilities here. Either this is sort of a metaphor for like a relationship, or you play D&D together for 10 years, or you are actual like, I don't know, Spalunkers or something. That could be very cool too. But congratulations on 10 years of whatever adventure stuff you guys are up to. Got another message here, and it's for Shauna from Richard and preferably read by Clint. I'm so sorry, Shauna.

Dad doesn't know. how to use email so he can't actually get these these jumbotron messages uh to my wife of 25 loving years i love you more than words can say you're my bestest friend my lifelong bedmate my joyful noise and my heart's one true desire i'll gladly party with you on the next 25 years of adventure as long as you'll stay by your champion's side and cast heel cast heel buff and perception spells happy anniversary from the mackeroys and me uh congratulations that is such a big anniversary, Sean and Richard. And that's so beautiful.

Congratulations on that. And hang, just, you know, keep on, keep on doing your, keep on doing you for 25 more years. But then at 50, call it quits. No, just kidding. And then 75 and 100, then 125. Who knows how far medical science is going to take us? Medical science, good God, it's late. I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the hashtag the zone

cast. Now is the time to do that. want to end up as a character on the show, uh, because I'm picking names for the new arc pretty soon. So, uh, tweet about the show using the hashtag the zone cast. Uh, mostly, we just like really appreciate you spreading the word about the show. We don't pay to advertise the adventure zone at all. So word of mouth is the only way that we have to, to get out to new listeners.

And you all have been so, so, so, so kind to us in that regard. Um, yeah, just thank you so much. Uh, if you can leave a review on iTunes and, you know, just tell a friend about the podcast. We appreciate all that good stuff too. Uh, we are a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. You can check out all the shows at maximum fun.org. Just start clicking around. You're going to find shows that you love.

I guarantee it. We also do a bunch of other podcasts between the whole Macquaroy family that you can find at Macroyshows.com. You can also find contact info. We have PO boxes that a bunch of people have been sending us really cool stuff, too. So thank you all for that. Again, that's all at Macroyshows.com. I think that's it. The next episode is going to be up on November.

Nope, not November, Hatha, October 20th. And it's going to be the start of a new arc that, oh, man, I should start working on that. I'm going to quit recording this now and get to it. So yeah, October 20th, see you then. Bye. So starting off with this,

everybody's favorite section of the podcast, the level up time, the level up shuffle. We'll start out where we usually start out, I guess, which is with a trip to Leon the artificer to put your token. in the fantasy goshapine. I put my name myself and turn the handle myself. You fucking sprint into the room,

and Leon is like, hello, and you just like hold up a hand, like, no, fuck you, Leon, and you just sprint up and slam dunk it into the coin slot and turn the handle. And he's like, a tear well's up in his eye. He's so proud and so relieved. Roll a D20 for me, my boy.

Oh, hold on. Sorry, one second. Yes, hello. this is Travis Oh Hi Luke I think he's getting a call from an apartment Oh I'm doing great Listen to how cordial he's being

Magnus rushes in But Travis is very cautious About his domicile We sound like we're doing golf commentary Griffin I think he ought to go with a mashy niblick here We could be there as early as Monday So let's see That'll be maybe a wood

He might go with a wood here. I think he's definitely, definitely got wood. Nobody can argue with that. Oh, I know, because he loves housing. And that gives him wood every single time. Now, you've seen Travis in this situation before, Griffin. What can we expect him to... How can we expect him to attack the whole?

That sounds fine to me. Decor raining. That can be playing destiny right now. I'm going to actually do, so you want to knock out a quick Iron Banner match. Great. Yeah, let's get a quick IV. So, yeah, Sammy the lease

and tell me the best way to get it signing, get it back to you and the best way. Listen to this businessman. Oh. I'll have the lease on my desk.

Okay, good. I mean, it's really up to you guys. It's whatever you guys are comfortable with. Oh, not doing it. Have it your way. Well played. Well played indeed.

Sounds like we're about to have a fateful signing of an important document. Real estate. Gotta be, gotta be getting to the end of the phone call now, right? I know, because we're almost done with a podcast. We pay cable and water

That's what it is It's just like You don't live there right now It gives a shit No You know that we have a Yeah I don't think I think that'll be fine

We have a water issue in the basement We just You know where we just decide It's a swimming pool now Yeah that's a way to look at it And you don't have to have a washing machine. You just don't get clothes in the basement. I'm right in the basement zone.

That keeps it clean. And the right problem is almost completely on the control. I mean, a good majority of them did drown. Now you're going to have to scoop up the floating dead ones. Sorry about that, fellas. It's in the hole. Yes. It's in the hole.

Yeah. All right, congrats, Trave. Way to go, bud. All right, we have to get back into the game. Yeah, please. My character sheet says I'm level 10. Is that right? Yeah, you are now, and we're going to get to that.

No, no, no. We were level 10. Oh, really? Oh, shit. Okay, we're going up to 12 then, boys. Okay. Let's resolve this goshapun roll first. I rolled 14.

Okay. All right. So you put your token in and turn it, and a fairly small capsule pops out of the fantasy goshapon. And when you, Pop it open, you see inside just, it's just a plain sort of bronze or maybe even copper ring. And it doesn't have any sort of etching or anything on it. It's just like a plain sort of brown metal ring.

And you bring it to Leon who cracks open his big book of magic items and is flipping through it. Like he's going, let's see, rings, rings, rings. And he's holding it up because there's a bunch of rings in this book. But he thinks he's finally found it, and he says, oh, this is a, this is kind of a neat one. This is the ring of the giant slayer. It goes on your penis. It's meant for your dingle-donger. No, it's a finger ring, like a normal one.

But you wear it and it grants you some extra proficiency when battling something much larger than yourself. which means that while you're wearing the ring you have plus one attack against and plus one AC versus attacks done by enemies who are of the size category large which means like 8 to 16 feet or higher so anything that's like anything that's 8 feet tall or taller

is technically of large category or giant or like gargantuan or colossal I fight a lot of those things so I think that that's probably useful. Yeah, so when you're fighting something basically much bigger than yourself, you get one extra AC and one plus one to attack. Cool. So look out Yao Ming. Yeah, I put it on my

non-wedding ring finger. Okay. You have nine of those, so... Yeah. I didn't think you would stack them up like a roll of lifesavers. Let's say, I put it on left pointer finger. Okay, cool. Who's up next? Okay. Merle. Okay. Murl steps into the room. Okay. And from about 10 feet away, takes his token

and bounces it on the floor like beer pong and it goes right into the slot. Okay, well, no. You got to roll for that. You're going to roll if you're going to do a trick stunt. I'll do it, I'll roll. I'll roll. I have that much confidence.

This is just like, I guess, a range attack with a coin? Sure. Why does do this every time? As soon as Leon sees you stop and not approach the machine with the token, he's like, God, no, please God. No.

I whispered to. I just remember my idea. I was a good, good, gosh, boy. You're a good boy. He hands you a toffee. Yeah. Well, now, this should be wisdom because it's, it's calculating the angles and it's a lot of trigonometry. Okay, sure.

Yeah. Why not? Okay. So, 15 plus three for wisdom. 18. Oh, with an 18, it still doesn't go in. This would require baby basically the greatest roll of all time. And in fact, it plinks off the glass of the machine and it hits Leon in the face.

And he like recoils. He's like, oh, God, just pick it up, please. And put it in the machine. Please, I'm dying. I'm in hell. I'm in hell and you're Satan. Okay. So I pick it up and I walk over the slot.

I'm a bit chagrined. Yeah. Although I'm not really sure what a chagrin is. Okay. Put it in the slot and turn the crank, but I turn it in the wrong direction. It just doesn't do it like that. It doesn't turn like that. It won't turn like that.

It should. It doesn't. It turns in one direction. Which direction does it turn in? I think clockwise, but do it just... You think? You think clockwise? It's not real, daddy's making it up. It turns clockwise, and I know it. Okay. So I start to turn it clockwise.

And it goes, the coin falls in, and it does the thing. Okay. All right. Roll a D20. How about a six? Oh, no. Oh, God. Is that Griffin's saying, oh, God? Oh, no. Oh, it's fine. Oh, no, this one's amazing. Okay. A, uh, a, a, a fairly large capsule about three feet long, uh, falls out of the machine, uh, and you, uh, sort of effort to pop it open. I don't know, how tall is Merle? Wow.

This thing may be taller than him. Probably, uh, not four feet. Maybe three and a half feet? Three and a half. That's a little, okay. Uh, yeah, this thing is about as big as you, and you pop it open and inside, of this container is a broom. And that's it. It's just a nice broom. And you sweep things. No, you take it over to Leon, who is like, oh, well, I don't even really need the book for this,

but I guess let's keep it official. And he opens up the tome to the only entry for broom. And he says, you lucky boy, this is a fun one. This is a broom of flying. And sure enough, this wooden broom, which weighs three pounds, functions like a mundane broom until you stand astride it and speak its command word. It then hovers beneath you and can be ridden in the air. It has a flying speed of 50 feet.

It can carry up to 400 pounds. You can send the broom to travel alone to a destination within one mile of you. If you speak the command word, name the location and are familiar with that place. The broom comes back to you when you speak another command word provided that the broom is still within one mile of you. Awesome. You have a magic flying broom. I can play quidditch now. You can.

Yep. Definitely play quidditch. Awesome. That's cool. Yeah, that'll be a fun one. Thank you, gotcha upon machine. That's good because you also like doing dumb, mounted attacks that you never work. And I apologize for being a prick.

Leon just nods and shakes his head. And then Taco, Leon doesn't say anything to you. He just like fucking stares, daggers at you. Yeah. In your direction, just stone-faced. Leon sees Taco walk dutifully across the room. and walk up to the machine and drop a coin in and turn it. And he hears, but his back is, he hears it because Taco's back is to him.

He falls to his knees. And thanks a God, the name of which you've never heard before. And he is weeping and shuddering. Just then Taco's coin flies across the room and smacks Leon in the face because it had been a clone I cast Miss Lede out in the hallway

and and Taco's just screaming with laughter it's the funniest thing that's ever happened in Taco's entire life it's literally the best I don't even want anything

you can keep literally keep the coin nothing you can give me would be better than your expression right now the coin balance He bounced off his face and rolled off his desk, landing fairly close to you again. And he is just like, he's in shock, I think.

He's stopped crying. He doesn't seem like sad or disturbed. He seems like he's broken. Yeah, he is no longer functioning. You have thoroughly broken this man. I win. All right. And then I pick up my coin and I put in the machine.

And it is 16. Okay. Okay. A capsule about the length of your hand falls out of the machine. And when you pop it open, there is what looks like a small circular bracelet inside. And you are going to have to look this one up. You scoot Leon's book away from him as he is frozen in place and start looking through the bracelet. section, and you finally find one with a picture of the bracelet that you have, and you find an entry for the band of projected thought. And what this does simply is you can communicate telepathically

with any creature you can see within 30 feet of you. Hmm. Okay, cool. Like forever? While you're wearing it, yeah. Wow, nice. That was a good batch of items, guys. But you know, you know where we can find an even better batch of items. Where's that? That's where the music just played there. Griffin, I have a question for you. Did you purposefully not tell Merle the command word for the broom? Does he have to death?

I'm going to come up with my own. Oh, he's DeFo going to come up with it himself. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I sent you all the batch of fantasy Costco suggestions. I just want to say we got 1,300 emails with suggestions. And I went through, uh, it was a labor of love.

But I went through pretty much all of them. And, gang, they got so good. We're getting, like, fairly close to the end. This may or may not be the last fantasy Costco trip. It probably won't be. There will probably be one more. But, like, y'all are getting so good at this. And thank you all for sending in those suggestions.

So, yeah, we got some new items. And then I have also every item that you all haven't purchased. So the store's catalog is pretty enormous at this point. So, oh, and you have 1,800 gold pieces. Plus, if you had any leftover, I don't know if you've been tracking that from previous trips, money that you didn't spend. I think we had 200 left. Are you making that up, or? No, I don't know why, but I seem to remember 200.

Maybe not. Because we didn't spend everything because we put some in the pool. Let's just stick with 1800 for now. Why don't we just ask our listeners to tweet at us right now? Yeah, tweet at us right now. Oh, wait, that's not how time works. Damn. Well, now, the 1800 was at our.

reward for bringing in the item? Yeah, that was your payment. Each of you got $1,800. Each? Yes, yes. Sweet. Yeah. So we got some new stuff in here.

I'll just start going down some of it. And if you all want to purchase any of these new items, hauler, so we can just read it that way. Well, I already know what I'd like to buy. Okay. I want to buy the Ring of the Grammarian. Oh, that is such a fun one. You can use the Ring of the Gramarian to once per day alter one. one letter in a spell title as they're casting it for a different effect.

For instance, the user could start casting Cause Fear and activate the ring to instead cast Cause Bear. The effect of these spells are determined by the DM taking the wishes of the castor. Literally. Into account. Maybe one of the best side. Maybe one of the best. That was sent, and appropriately, it was sent in by Harry Best. It was.

Fucking, fucking incredible. The guy that started Best Buy. Yeah, that was him. So good. All right. So you're buying that. That's 700, gold pieces,

so you have 1100 left. And I am going to stash the 1100 because I'm going to start saving up so I can buy the butt-kicking John Williams' eight-year-old son, Colin, flaming, poisoning, raging sort of doom. Now, that one does cost 60,000 gold pieces. And you remember Griffin saying that this may be our last arc, right? I'm planning on making a lot.

a mulla mula in the next door. And then buying a sword for like the final giant sword. Yes. Yes, Travis. I'm in, I'm in, hey, go for it, dude. I'm totally into it. Some of your teammates could totally use that money. No, dog. No, you can't, this is good shit.

That's good shit. Now, think about it, Travis. I buy swords all the time that I don't use. That's capital G, capital, that's good shit. We're moving on. All right. Yay me. Garfield, the deal swirlock goes,

I love it. Chase that paper, son. Don't stop thinking about tomorrow. I see two things I really want, and I can't decide between them. Does it include things like the slicer of Tepir-while Isles sent in by Riku Sakan, which is an item that is useless, but with a good enough sales pitch, you can convince anyone of its value and get them to trade you their most valuable possession. That's a fun one. That is good. I do want to point out we got about 20 different vaping-based items.

The one I went with is the billow branch from Jordan Reed And it just is a cool vape that you can use to Gain advantage on the appropriate persuasion and intimidation checks Or just use it as For other purposes as well No, I think there are those What do you think about? I do like those

I'm looking at the pocket workshop Because I'm pretty sure I was created for Magnus Yeah, this one is sent in by Joshua Kelly Do you want to read the description? Yes, from the makers of the pocket spot comes the pocket workshop. Our top-of-the-line master craftsman's woodworking shop is concealed within a battered red toolbox. When open, the toolbox reveals a descending staircase that leads to a pocket dimension containing your deluxe craftsman's workshop. Your workshop is well lit, properly ventilated,

and equipped with salls, planes, lathes, and dozens of hand tools. Everything you need to make your project a success. The workshop is always stocked with the highest quality wood from across the realms, as well as nutritious snacks and refreshment. So it takes, it's kind of like the pocket spot. It's a pocket dimension where you can go and do some woodwork. And while you're inside of it, I don't actually like the time distortion thing because I feel like you could use that to do some really fucked up shit. Oh, and I sew wood, Griffin.

Yeah. So there is no time distortion field inside of it, but it's just a little workshop that you can pop into whenever you need to. Then you're going to need to lower the price on that. If there's no time distortion, I agree. I'll tell you what. I'll take the pocket workshop and the grappling hook for 1800. Hmm.

Hmm. The grappling hooks can only use once a day. I think that's a fair deal. It was the grappling hook was sent in by Brett Tucker, and just basically once a day it is a hook shot you can use. I put the once a day restriction on it, because otherwise you could more or less nullify most acrobatics athletics, checks that you would ever need to do.

So, yeah, you could use it for all kinds of different stuff. Garfield approaches and says, Hmm, England to make a deal. That was 42 L's. What can you give me to sweeten the pot? I think that since you removed the time distortion thing, that's a discount. It's clearly faulty.

The description says that it distorts time, but I tried it out. I plugged it in and didn't do it. So I feel like that's at least 25% off right there. If you can sweeten the pot with goods of your own, maybe we can do a handshake thing. I've got a frosty mug. That's some bullshit.

No, no, no, I don't have a frosty mug. I got a mug that doubles the potency of the drink. Ooh, still bullshit. How was that bullshit? He, um, he goes, I know what I want. Your sideburns. Give them to me, please. Well, the problem is I would do that, but I physically cannot.

I drank a magic potion to keep my facial hair always looking exactly the same. I can't change it. He pulls on another magic potion. He says, this magic potion cancels that one out. He pulls out a razor. Come on. Let's get it gone. I have to pass because if I did this, there'd be a lot of fan artists who would be very mad.

He comes in really close. He says, how about just a little, just a tiny little scrambling? And you can do it yourself just a few hairs off those beautiful burns. What do you say, bud? Do it. How many hairs? Name it. Pick a number.

For my needs. Dark needs. Five hairs, thank you. We'll be good. Deal. Okay. You hand over 1,800 gold pieces and a few hairs off of your burns. It's going to take me a minute to pluck these babies.

They're heavy roots. Okay. How does that... I mean, are we talking like two hands? hands on a big pair of tweezers, just like pulling as hard as you possibly can. Ooh. Yeah, but we'll let Taco shop while I work on it. While you just scream in the background.

Okay. But you hand over these five hairs and 1,800 gold pieces, and you get the pocket workshop, and you get the grappling hook. Uh, taco. Uh, yeah, I would like to take the slicer of Tepir, weir aisles. Okay. And not sure how that one's pronounced, but the description is very cool. That's the one that you can convince somebody of a magic item.

Let's see. And what's wrong? I was just going to read some other descriptions because it feels like we're like wrapping up here. There's the Rickle Axager's Pocket Guide to Adventuring Third Edition. This is the other item I'm picking up. Oh, excellent. Well, let me read one of the other ones then because another really good one was sent in by Sebastian Simone. Oh, the jar of bees.

It's a jar of bees, which is a literal jar of bees. could probably throw it at enemies or through a window and create a distraction, but they could also be dumb-dums and drop it and get stung a whole bunch. We would. That is how that would work out. But you're going with the pocket guide to adventuring third edition. Yeah, that'll be 2,000 total, so I'm hoping that we can strike up a deal. What are you selling, stranger?

I will give you this very cool ring of pointing in addition. Um, didn't you buy that here? And then never used it, huh? Yeah, it's still in its mint condition. It's still in the package. Maybe you can get a refund. Do you still have the receipt? No. I can give you $200 in store credit for that, completing the transaction.

Perfect, great. Okay. Um, this, the, did you explain what the guide to adventuring does? Yeah, it, once per day, uh, I can read a section on an associated skill check. and for the next 24 hours, I can have advantage on it. And I can also read that aloud to give the advantage to another party member. Yeah. Which is a pretty good item, but it's also very expensive.

And also, like, how often do we do, like, the same skill checks over and over again? Not that often. Are you trying to talk about it? No, I'm saying, like, I'm talking to our listeners who are going to, some of whom are going to know that that is a very powerful object. All right. Is everybody done shopping? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to read the section on the persuasion in there first because I figured there's no need to waste it. It's going to get it. Oh, okay. Yeah, cool. Cool. Okay. Are you all done here at the Fantasy Costco? I have one more transaction I'd like to conduct.

Okay. Garfield. Yes. I have something that I think is really going to interest you. Oh, my God. This is the slicer of Tepir Weir Isles. And I notice that you have a really cool sword. It's a flaming, poisoning, raging, sword of doom.

I believe it's called. Oh, my God. I'm looking at your entire stock, and it does seem to me that's your most valuable possession. Would you say that's accurate? Yes, it's absolutely the most valuable thing in the store. Well, get ready to talk about this. that in the past tense, my man, because I have got something really special for you. This is number one, an exotic item. I know people are always looking for those. You can't buy

this as any store around the block. In fact, as far as I know, from a faraway land, it smells of exotic spices. Oh, I imagine. I'm very impressed. You know, not a lot of people have the sort of olfactory acuteness able to sense that. You must be a very discerning smeller. So this is a very valuable item and trust me when I say it is going to pay big, big dividends for you

if we could just make this transaction. This is as much as this pains me to say, I've come here and I only have this to offer. I have no gold and I say it pains me because you're getting such a good deal off of me, but I do need

But well, my thing costs 60,000 GPs. So how many GPs is yours? Get ready for this, 61,000. Can you believe it? What a steal, eh? That's quite a profit. Mm-hmm.

I know that's what you're all about, is profit, hmm? Okay. Well, make a persuasion check that you have advantage on. Two? That's probably not going to get it done. And 18. Plus... Zero, just 18.

Um shit I will point out to you Gervant 18 is the third best number he could roll Yeah He feels pretty good to me All the numbers you could roll Uh

I also want to just say I can't speak from rural But while all this is going on Magnus is just like Darding his eyes back and forth Like kind of like Is this gonna work? Is this in there?

Uh He says Let me smell it And he takes the item He smells it Mm those spices though and he gives a little taste

he says all my senses are delighted by this bad boy yeah okay it sounds fair to me nice and he goes and cracks open the case and retrieves the flaming poisoning raging sort of doom

and hands it over and puts the and puts the slicer in the case in exchange and he comes back to you in Taco and says Sucker, you have no idea what you've just done, do you? No? You've just made a bad trade.

This stone you said is worth 61,000 GP is worth easily double that in the hands of a brilliant merchant like myself Garfield. I mean, I do want to point out he did just sell it for 900. What are you talking about? Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. That was O-O-C. All right, well, I guess we'll figure that out later. I strapped the flaming, raging, the flaming, poisoning, raging sort of dew to my back where it shall remain. You're not going to let your old fighter buddy use that sweet-ass sword? I knew that was coming. It's just a style play.

It's like a spoiler up there. It does plus 20 melee, damn it. It's like my neon undercarriage. It's just trying to. To get a great look. Well, I guess saving my money was a stupid-ass mistake. Holy shit, that was funny. As soon as I realized what you were doing, like, I was sent into a panic spiral.

Let's go ahead and level up and then be done with it. So I've written all mine down. So I'll start. Are you moving up the fighter tree or the thief tree? Yes, I'm moving up fighter tree. Okay. So I get to either add two to one ability or one to two abilities. And also, this is another call out I'll put to the listeners because I don't want to go back through 50 episodes.

I can't remember if I've been doing that on every even numbered. You have been. Okay, great. Yeah, I've been making you do that. But just remember, you are essentially now moving up to level 10 in the fighter tree. That's what I leveled up. Okay. So I'm going to bump up my wisdom from 11 to 12, so I add one there and strength 18 to 19.

So that doesn't add anything, but sure. Proficiency bonus moves up to 4 if it wasn't already. And also at level 10, your superiority die turn into D10s. So now you have that advantage as well. And I also get a new maneuver. maneuver. I'm going to go with precision strike, which allows me to add my superiority dice roll to attack rolls. Oh, that's a cool one. And I also get indomitable, which is a skill that lets me do a second chance on a save roll. And my hit points increased from 92 to 107.

Jesus. All right. So precision attack, just want to make sure you know that you do add. the superiority dice to a roll and you can use it before or after. Yes. So if I miss, I can then use it. That's a really cool one. Okay. All right. That's a lot of neat stuff.

And you can only use your indomitable thing once per day. Correct. Okay. I think that's right. I'll be up front with you. I'm away from home and I don't have my most updated. No, yeah. It says you can't use it again until after a long run.

No, no, no. I'm saying I don't have my most updated character sheet, so I'm pretty sure my Hit points were in 92 before this, but I have to double check. All right, we'll figure it out. Who's next? Go ahead, Deb. I'm going up to 11th, right? 12.

12? Yeah. Okay. You do that twice. You do that twice, and that's how much XP you get, or extra HP you get. Oh, I forgot to do my constitution model. That's another 6 HP for me. Okay.

Okay, so, all right, there's first D8, and that's a, oh, that's a six. And I add my constitution to it. And that is a three. So that's nine extra HP. And then do it again. And that's a five. And I had three to that.

That's eight. So I had 17. Yes. Which takes me up to 71. Yes. Starting at level 11, you have access to height. You can cast level six spells now. At level 12, you get an ability score improvement.

Right. And I also, I get destroy undead. CR2. That just means whenever you cast turn undead on like a group of things, now it kills like a stronger set of enemies, right? Okay. So before it might kill like the weakest skeleton or whatever. Now it can like wipe out a pretty big squad of a pretty sturdy undead guys. Awesome.

Okay. And then. Level six spells, right? Yeah, you can cast level six spells. you have to add either one point to two different ability scores or two points to one ability score. So if there's something you want to bump up, that's your charisma, intelligence, wisdom, strength, constitution, dexterity. Well, it seems like dexterity throws me off a lot, so I'm going to add both to dexterity. Okay.

What's that bringing you to on dexterity done? Two. Well, it brings me to 12, but the modifier's two. Modifier would be one. Yeah. At 12, it would bring you up to plus one. Okay. And then I think that's it.

My hit points are up to 64. Whatever. I have 12D6 hit die. I get the extra ability points are really the only cool things for me here. I'll keep that at 12 then. And so if my charisma is 10, I make that out 11. That's not going to change anything, right? No.

Right. Well. But if you. put them both into it and buffed it up to 12, then you would get plus one modifier. Um, okay. I'm just going to put one into intelligence to make that 18. Great. And then I'll put the other one into charisma and make that 11.

Okay. So now you have plus four. So your spellcasting modifier goes up even one more. Yeah. Uh, all right. And you also get a six level spells. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, yeah. You have one six level spell slot. Uh, uh, Okay, that's everybody, right? Yep. Let's end with an epilogue just to give it, give it something hot here at the end, something spicy. I love me a good epilogue now. I wish it hadn't taken me 40-some-odd episodes to discover the power of a good epilogue.

Mm-hmm. This is the epilogue. Are you ready for the epil? We're in it. Okay. Yes. So you all aren't seeing this. Taco Merle and Magnus aren't seeing this. I mean, this is just sort of like a shot in the movie that the audience is seeing.

And what we're seeing is a disheveled study of somebody who's preparing for something big. It's somewhere underground. There's a chill in the air permeating these wet stone walls. And the room is lit by several dozen candles, which are all arranged around a desk, which are piled high with magical tomes and piles of maps. Behind that desk is a large wooden board that is displaying a map of the whole of Féroon, the continent that this story takes place on. And there are strings connecting images and diagrams at certain points on the map like Fandolin and Armos and Greenhold and Rockport and Goldcliff

and Neverwinter. And all these different cities are sort of connected by this web of strings and pictures and diagrams. And it's the board of somebody who's been tracking the relics and the bureau intently. Other than the candles, there's another source of light in this room, which is a six-foot-tall glowing pod that stands on the opposite end of the room from the desk. And it's full of a swirling green liquid. And inside, we can see something growing, or rather someone growing. There's a body being created inside of this pod. But the liquid inside is too opaque for us to see who it is. And the last thing we see is the desk again.

And there's a scroll that is unfurled and held in place by four candles, one at each corner. And this scroll is an incredibly detailed map with a route drawn through it in red. And it is a map depicting with perfect accuracy, the headquarters of the Bureau of Balance. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Great questions of your life. Great questions of your life.

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